Original subtitles

Hello, this is John.

Hi, John.

God, who?

Listen, we don't want a subscription to the LA County Times, and we'd really

appreciate it if you took us off the call list.

Ha ha, no, it's Teresa.

How are you?

That's so great, Don.

Listen, it's a crazy question. I was thinking, is there any way we could stay

your house one night?

I'm heading up to Napa, and I just thought it would be great to catch up.

Well, I really would have to talk to you.

That's so great of you, Don. Thank you so much. We'll see you soon.

Wait, wait, wait. Who's we?

Your husband? Is he coming?

No, me and Camille. Louis is in Hamburg. He's meeting us up in Napa.

See you in a bit.

No, wait, wait, wait. When are you coming here?

2 p .m. today.

Love you. Ciao.

Okay.

Well, I guess we'll just drop everything and carry you.

How's that?

That. That.

That was Teresa.

Oh, that's great. How's she?

There's a funny thing. You'll be able to ask her in person in a few hours

because she invited herself to stay at our house tonight.

Well, that's fantastic.

God, it's been so long since I've seen her.

Wait, you're not mad?

I mean, we have plans.

What plans, Dawn?

Well, I thought we were going to binge watch a little Anthony Bourdain, a

food porn.

That's all you, big guy.

Gotta run.

Have a great day. Okay.

Be careful with that kettlebell swing.

Is it bad?

Yep. Is this coffee fair trade?

Fair what?

Fair trade.

You know.

Coffees from developing countries, harvested and distributed independently

local farmers, to promote better trading, condition, and hopefully one

achieve economic sustainability.

What do you think about that?

I think it's hazelnut.

No, Dad.

It pains me to say this.

But you are just another cog in the greed -fueled machine known as

corporatocracy. Oh, my God. I've got to get out of here. I need to meditate.

I can tell your skin's a little raw from hugging trees lately.

You're not going to get laid with that attitude, son.

It's not even a real word.

Oh my God, that's so amazing. I've never even been to Venice before.

So wait, you actually went to George and Amal's wedding?

How did you pull that off?

Well, Louis did all of George's legal stuff for his properties in Italy.

He has like five huge villas. Oh my God.

Chad, don't be rude. Come down here and meet Teresa and Camille.

So, Camille.

Camille. How do you like your mom and dad's celebrity life?

I think it's bourgeois.

What's bourgeois?

Well, Carissa here was just telling us about her fantastic life in Europe and

the fact that she and Louis got invited to George and Amal's wedding in Venice.

I think we're going to go to the WHO summit in Geneva this summer.

Well, Louis will anyway. I'm going to be working on my shopping skills.

I guess you can't serve two masters, can you?

Exactly.

Wait. What just happened?

Hey, everyone.

I have a great question.

And I think it'll, uh, spark a rather... ralving discussion amongst us.

Did anyone tell me, um, just how much greenhouse emission would spit into the

air during that celebrity wedding?

Anyone? No? I mean, what with the private jets flying the celebrities in,

motorboats shuttling guests to and from the wedding, and... all the food being

flown across the world.

And we will not forget the egregious amount of toxic waste that was dumped

the waters because of those damn two -cycle motor engines.

Now, anyone care to comment on that?

You're never going to get a girlfriend with that Debbie Downer attitude. You

need to lighten up, Chad.

Yeah, Chad, get a blowjob or something.

Chad, I did not raise you to be that man.

Lighten the fuck up.

All in favor of Chad getting laid, raise your hand.

I'm simply advocating. No, no, no.

Here's the problem. Nobody cares about what a 21 -year -old is advocating

because you haven't lived yet.

So just sit there and look handsome and get on.

So anyway, I go to the most incredible spa and I want to take you to get the

most amazing massage.

My treat.

Oh my God, that sounds delicious. I would love that.

That's actually perfect timing because I have to take the plans over to the

client's house.

So why don't you ladies go to the salon, get your massages, and then we'll plan

on meeting back here later for some dinner.

And Chad over there can stay here with Camille and get to know your pseudo

stepsister and a real girl. Talk to a real girl. That one made from plastic.

Again, I am the slave in this meal.

socialist household.

Sure, Dad.

I'll play the monkey and entertain your guest.

Cool. Did he eat paint chips as a child? I don't even think he's mine.

So, Emil, do you read prison?

If I need to upgrade my grave watering system in five years, why don't we just

do it before we break ground?

In about five years, there's going to be a new town council. They're going to be

more business friendly.

Now, during that time, they're going to sue the state to have the regulations

struck down because none of the other counties are complying with the

regulations. Now, during that time, the federal court's going to review the

case. That's going to be another four years. So during that time, by then, you

can sell them. property or you can lease it to an overseas company and let them

handle it.

Sounds like a really devious way to get out of paying $250 ,000.

Well, I can see how that could be interpreted that way.

Am I going to have to worry about your son chaining himself to my property with

all his other save -the -will juice bags?

Hopefully not. No, I think...

By then, he'll be in Africa, I don't know, protesting diamond mine conditions

something.

I don't know.

You saw all this talk about money and diamonds and federal regulations.

That's my pussy craving to be pregnant.

Want to be my wet pussy, darling?

Don't you give me that big crooked butt.

What's that?

Oh my God.

I'm going to put the other leg.

Oh God.

Oh, my pussy.

I want that cock.

Ah, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Ah, yes.

Oh, baby girl.

Yes.

Oh, God. Good.

Oh, God.

That's so fucking good.

Give it to me.

Give it a beautiful mouth.

Give it to me.

Good girl.

Oh baby.

How does that feel?

Is that good?

Is that good?

One more time.

One more time.

Oh my god.

Just like that.

Just like that.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh,

good girl.

You giving up?

I definitely want you to do something like that.

Amen.

Let me, let me.

how much pressure to use and where to put it at. You ever thought about doing

this professionally?

Listen, rubbing your feet is one thing, but the idea of rubbing complete

strangers in oil just makes me sick. So going to Africa with wild animals and

flies inside of your head is a great alternative.

I just want to do something more with my life, alright?

I don't want to become another consumer just contributing to all the bullshit

that our society values.

Like, you know, fancy cars and the idea of celebrity and fucking Twitter

followings and all that shit. I just, I resent it.

Okay.

So, these Peace Corps girls aren't even cute or are they all just like, you

know, tree -hugging granola girls?

Some of them, sure.

Did you ever bang one?

Maybe. Didn't even stick out?

Uh, no, not particularly.

Well, good. I should have no competition when you're stroking yourself and

you're sent on an African plane.

mm -hmm

Do you have a bra?

Oh.

So good.

Yeah, leave it on.

um um

Aww.

Oh.

Thank you.

Oh.

Like I was telling you, ever since the therapist brought it up, we really

haven't been happier.

I still can't believe a therapist would recommend that. And that Dawn's okay

with it?

Well, look, it's kind of a win -win. I mean, we both know that we love each

other.

And we also know that we're not afraid that we're going to meet someone who

us better, right? Right. And runs away.

And, you know, we see that basically people have needs and desires when they

happen, and we can act on those without it blowing up the relationship.

So at the end of the day, we both get what we need, and everybody wins.

I don't think Lewis would even believe it if I told him.

I mean, he's just totally alpha male. He thinks about business all the time.

Oh, girl.

Look, with his looks and his money, don't think that if a woman wasn't

attracted to him and offered to suck his dick, that he would say no.

Well, hello, Heather.

Hi. Hi.

I see you're back, and you brought a friend with you.

Yes, this is Teresa.

Hi.

Don's ex -wife. And I brought her for one of your very special massages.

Well, thank you for the word of mouth.

Shall we begin?

Yes, please.

You're right, he's really good

Oh, wow.

Fuck.

I want you guys to come right up front.

Oh, she looks so good singing like that.

Oh, yes.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Fuck yes. This is so hot.

Yes. Yes. Uh huh.

Oh shit. Oh shit, that's a good dick.

Oh shit, yes.

Wait. Wait.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh,

fuck,

it feels so good.

Fuck, it feels good.

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.

Oh,

fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh,

fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh,

yes. Oh, that's so good.

Oh,

that's...

Step right in.

We've got to rearrange this.

Oh, shit. Oh,

my God.

You're right,

it's the best massage I've ever had.

Okay. I like the way you think.

Take that.

My turn again. Go over there.

Get up there.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.

Shit. Oh shit. Yes. Sleep like that.

Oh my.

Oh my.

Oh my.

Oh yeah. Oh fuck. Oh yeah. Oh fuck.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

Oh my god.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh fuck. Wait a minute.

Oh yeah. Fuck he fucks so good. Yeah?

Oh is he fucking? Oh. Oh.

You let him like that. You let him like that.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. Oh,

my God.

oh yes oh yes

oh my god

I'm gonna watch you eat a pussy. Yeah.

Please.

Suck it like that.

Oh, baby. Oh,

shit. That feels so good.

Oh, shit. That feels so good.

Oh, yeah.

Please, please, please.

Shit.

Shit.

Oh,

fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit, shit, shit.

Fuck.

Give it. I want it. I want it.

Give it. I want it. I want it.

Oh, God.

Oh, yes. Come here, baby. Come here.

Oh, yes.

Come here.

Oh,

yes. Oh, just like that.

Oh, my God. I want it back. I want it back. Yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Yes. Please.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Give it back.

Give it back. Give it back.

Yes. Please.

Oh, please. Please. Please.

Nice.

Nice. Yes.

Fuck that pussy.

Please. Please.

Please. Fuck, it's so good.

Yes. Right there.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

I want to see it. I want to see it. I want to see it.

I want to see it. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Uh huh.

Uh huh. Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Feel free to come back whenever you'd like

I'm upstairs.

Sorry, I was feeling a little grungy in the shower downstairs and didn't seem to

have hot water.

Well, that's odd.

I'll have to check that out.

Where is everybody?

Chad was about an hour ago. He said something about some spoken word thing

the cafe. He invited me, but it's just not my thing.

And my mom texted me and said that her and Heather were going to go grab a

after their salon thing.

So I guess everybody flakes the word if you're holding the bag.

Listen, I really got to apologize for my family.

It's okay. I wasn't expecting the rule of treatment.

Well, are you hungry? I mean, we can, I don't know, order some Thai food, watch

a movie.

You smell like sex, Don.

What? I said you smell like sex.

Are you having an affair?

No.

I'm not having an affair, Camille.

Okay, Heather and I have an arrangement that certain couples enter into that

allows them to stay together and to also be happy.

So you fuck anyone you want without consequences?

It's a little bit more complicated than that, but on the surface, yeah, that's

the answer.

I've been watching how your family does things. It's not like any other family

I've ever met.

It's kind of twisted in the way I'll do things.

Well, Camille, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I don't know what your mother has

told you about me, but when we were married, we were young, and we really

see eye to eye on a lot of things, so we decided we were part ways and, you

know, not hate each other.

I understand. It's okay.

She's never spoken a crossword about you.

Really?

Yeah. She actually said you were the best fuck she ever had.

And I need to know exactly what my mother was talking about.

Can I be a part of your Twisted Little Family?

Will you let me join in?

Welcome.

You know what you taste like?

What?

Hope.

Well, that's a good start.

I always wanted a step -daughter.

You move fast.

It's John's birthday.

Mmm.

Yes, please. Just enjoy yourself.

Oh,

yes.

Where did you learn that?

YouTube.

Oh, my God.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, baby girl.

Yes,

yes, yes.

Thank you

So fucking good.

Oh, baby.

It tastes good. It tastes good.

It tastes really good.

Oh my god

Oh my god, yeah.

Oh my fucking...

Oh yes.

Yes.