Original subtitles

In 1991, she became the first female late-night talk show host

on a major network.

Tonight with Katherine Newbury is the gold standard

She has hosted over 6000 episodes, winning 43 prime-time Emmy awards.

She's brilliant. She is excellence without compromise.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

this year's recipient of the American Humor Award,

Katherine Newbury.

Thank you so much for this incredible honor.

I do have to say, I think America is in a tough spot

if it's giving this amazing award for American comedy to an English woman.

I guess they're right, foreigners are taking all your jobs.

I mean, what happened?

Is there no one funny left in the country?

Is Martin Short dead?

What about Jerry Seinfeld? Or how about Alec Baldwin?

I mean, come on. Did someone blow up the Hamptons?

Whatever the reason, I'm assuming I'm here because 28 years ago,

you gave me the greatest honor of my life:

You made me the host of Tonight with Katherine Newbury.

Oh, God!

I've hated many pairs of shoes in my time, but none more than these.

Everything hurts. I'm in hell. How are you?

I liked your speech.

But you have notes. I know you have notes.

My only note is to drink as much as you want.

I ran into Steve Martin. He sends his love.

He sends his love?

Jesus Christ. How sick do people think I am?

Please don't die before I get home.

I haven't got the strength to organize your funeral.

-Go party. -Are you kidding?

My SPANX cut off the blood to my head.

I'm going to bed.

-Good night, my love. -I'll see you tomorrow.

You know what I hate?

Those friends who are like, "Oh, can you take off your shoes?"

Nope! Not taking them off.

You know why?

Because this is not Japan.

It's the United States of America.

Next time you go to a friend's house

and that friend says, "Hold on. Can you take your shoes off?"

Here's what you do. You take one of their shoes

and you take a shit in it.

All right? Right in front of him.

Boom, you're welcome, America.

Oh, what a wanker.

So how did the speech go? Did you like what the writers wrote?

Well, I kept the last line. "Thank you for this honor. Good night."

I'll take that as a "no."

The network has been trying to contact us.

You have to call Caroline back.

I was just reading about her. Yeah, here.

Listen to this. "As a female president of a network"

Don't start any sentence with "As a female." So tacky.

"I want to remind my network that show business is still business.

When I was at Harvard Business School,"

where apparently she majored in name-dropping,

"I learned if we're not hitting prospective consumers in all four quadrants,

we won't make a return on our investment."

She sounds hilarious. I can't wait to call her back.

Great. Gabe Eichler is waiting to talk to you.

-I don't know who that is. -He's one of our writers.

I'm in a single-income household.

And Jen and I just had our second baby, Taylor.

Adorable, huh?

She takes after you.

Yeah. Thanks.

So there's a lot of expenses at home right now

and I think it's time for a raise.

I see.

This is actually very exciting to me.

-Really? Great. -Because what you're describing

is the most clear-cut example of the classic sexist argument

for the advancement of men in the workplace.

You're asking for a raise not for any work-related contribution,

but because you have a family.

And that's why, in the 1950s,

family men were promoted over the women they worked with.

I've never encountered it in such a clean, teachable way.

I don't think that's what's happening.

I can't give you a raise. It's like giving a raise to a drug addict.

-What? -Your situations are identical.

A drug addict makes certain decisions outside of work

for their sense of self and comfort,

and then the addiction demands more time, energy, money,

just like a child.

-My child's like a drug problem? -Exactly.

You want special treatment.

You can see how unfair that'd be to a single man or woman.

-There are no women on this staff. -Gabe

And it's because you hate women.

So you can sit there spouting this pseudo feminist bullshit,

but we all know what's going on here.

We need to hire a woman.

You're fired, obviously.

Just so you know, this show sucks and has for years.

Everybody's here for the paycheck.

That would mean more coming from someone with a job.

All right, man. Yeah, sorry.

Bradley, I don't hate women.

-I don't think you think you hate women. -What does that mean?

I think you have a problem with women.

I love Mary Tyler Moore! I love Gilda Radner!

They're both dead.

I think you have a problem with living female writers on your staff.

You never want to renew their contracts.

Well, find me one worth keeping.

-Would a gay guy work? -No!

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

God! Okay, all right, all right.

Oh, there's my guy.

-How are you, buddy? -Good.

Remember my little brother, Hayes? He's the funny one in the family.

-All right. -Wait, someone in your family is funny?

Hayes, your timing could not be better. Gabe got fired last week.

Gabe asked if he could go home and have dinner with his kids. Suicide.

So when you go in there, no commitments.

-Okay. -No girlfriend. You're a monk.

-All right, monk. -Dad already called the network.

-You got this. -You got this.

Thank you.

-Good luck, man. -Text me after.

All right.

You worked at "Chemical Plant." Is that a cable show?

No, it's a place. It's a chemical plant.

-I still work there, actually. -How did you even hear about this job?

Your submission came from Margaret Yang in Human Resources.

At the chemical plant, there is a corkboard,

where people hang notices for bikes, futons, missing cats.

And one day, I saw a notice for a company-sponsored essay contest

where the prize was, you could meet any executive you want.

-An essay contest? -Yes.

To meet an executive like the head of the chemical plant?

Yes, I think that's what you could've picked, traditionally.

-But you didn't. -No.

I picked Vernon Gleason, the chief operating officer

for all of Mainline Chemical, which owns my plant,

but also owns ComTech, which owns this network,

which owns Tonight with Katherine Newbury.

So you went to our parent's parent company

in order to make this interview?

-Yup. -And you have no experience in comedy?

No, I'm obsessed with comedy.

I've seen every episode of this show. I've read every book written about it.

-I do a little stand-up. -Where?

If you have a problem, ask the chemist.

She'll always have the solution.

Which kills with people who know about chemistry.

I'm actually emceeing a benefit pretty soon. It's kind of cool.

"Cancer Isn't Funny. A night of comedy in support of lung cancer."

Jesus Christ.

-Yes. -It's me. Did you hire a woman yet?

-Working on it. -What's taking so long?

-Submissions haven't been the strongest. -Just hire a woman!

I also wanted to add, I live with my aunt and uncle

and 11-year-old cousin in Queens.

I have no friends, no boyfriends. I am a monk.

This job would be my life.

Would you consider yourself a litigious person?

-Litigious? -A TV writers' room is not very PC.

It can be a pretty masculine environment.

Oh, I saw the writers. I'm not overly worried about masculinity.

You're hired.

For 13 weeks. And if it doesn't work out, which it probably won't, you'll be gone.

I can't believe this.

-I thought this was going very badly. -It did and then it didn't.

Here's my spiel to new writers.

Nothing funny happened after 1995. Don't talk about the Internet.

She doesn't wanna leave her desk, doesn't wanna leave the office.

Don't rock the boat.

Oh, but don't use the expression "Don't rock the boat"

because she hates it. Got it?

Didn't you pitch us this same exact thing last week?

-I did a different iteration. -Exact same thing.

Hey, guys, this is...

-What's your name again? -Molly.

Mali. She used to work at a chemical plant, now she works here.

Thank God. We're starving. Can you find out the soup of the day at Au Bon Pain?

I need you to send packages back to L.L. Bean for me.

She's not a production assistant, dipshits. She's a new writer.

Hi.

So you start tomorrow at 10.

-Great. -Okay.

Are you okay?

I'm so happy, I feel sick.

That's our show, everyone. I hope I earned the privilege of your time.

-Brad. -Yeah.

Who is the woman who was the second guest?

Diane Feinstein? U.S. senator?

I thought it was Mike Myers in old lady makeup.

Jesus Christ.

Why does she keep booking these boring, old broads

when I rep the funniest comedians in the city?

Because I have a soft spot for boring, old broads.

Speaking as one. Hello, Billy.

-You look gorgeous as ever. -Thanks.

To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from the world's pushiest manager?

How about getting my guys on the show? It'll shake dust off of this place.

-Dust? -Okay, Billy.

Your charm is wearing off. I'll walk you out.

You know I'm right.

Good for you. You're going to go celebrate with your friends?

-We're gonna go get drinks. -You deserve it.

Okay, Mom. I don't wanna keep them waiting. I better go.

-Was that the microwave? -Oh, no, it's the doorbell.

Be right there, you guys! Okay, I gotta go.

Where did that catchphrase come from?

"I hope I earned the privilege of your time"?

It came from me.

A sign of respect for my audience.

Your audience.

Your tiny, proper, catchphrase-loving audience.

It's cute. I like it.

-That's a little insulting, isn't it? -You know what's insulting?

Waiting a week for one of your employees to call you back.

I apologize. I was away, accepting an award for comedy.

Comedy's the three-and-a-half-minute chunks of filler on TV

between the commercials you sell.

I came to tell you this year is your last.

What?

This season is your last.

You're canceling the show?

No, I'm canceling you.

The show is irrelevant. The ratings reflect that.

Do you wanna know who Jimmy Fallon had on last Tuesday

when you had Doris Kearns Goodwin?

Robert Downey Jr.

They washed a sheepdog. It was fucking glorious.

I'm sorry, Caroline.

Should I have played giant Connect Four

or perhaps sung a karaoke song on a tandem bicycle?

It's Doris Kearns Goodwin, she's a national treasure.

Agreed. I only wish she'd been an Avenger

-instead of writing about Lincoln. -She could be an Avenger if she tried!

Your ratings have been in steady decline the past 10 years.

You won't even try to appeal to a mainstream audience.

The worst part is, you seem proud of it as if it's beneath you to put forth effort.

It's so English.

I'm sure that attitude scores you points at dinner parties, but

I don't go to dinner parties. Who are you replacing me with?

We haven't decided yet, but we will.

I hope I earned the privilege of your time.

After all the years, the decades I put into that show!

-Can you believe it? -As a matter of fact, I can.

They're a bunch of idiots. This is the cyclical nature of late-night TV.

There are gonna be highs and slumps.

This particular slump has lasted over a decade.

-What? -The show hasn't been good for years.

Wow, I'm glad your candor's still intact.

Sorry.

If you felt this way, why didn't you say something?

I thought you knew and didn't care.

-No! -Are you sure?

Walter, I've invested in two things my entire life, you and this show.

-I won't lose it! I can't! -Then you fight again.

Something you haven't had to do for a long, long time.

They want to replace you,

but they can't replace you if everyone loves you.

Okay, okay, okay.

-Good morning! -Oh, my God. You are so funny.

Why am I even awake now? I'm a stand-up.

I didn't even start my set till 10 last night.

Why did Brad want us here so early? Makes me kind of nervous.

You're nervous? That's surprising.

Brad's assistant said he saw Caroline Morton here yesterday.

Caroline Morton? Why would the head of the network come here?

Hopefully, they don't lay everybody off. I need this job.

-They fired Gabe. -Hey, babe.

Gabe should've been fired years ago.

He once went home early because he had a "bad bagel."

Dickhead, I shared an office with that guy for 17 years.

Oh, I heard he got hired at Kimmel.

-Fuck him. -You said Kimmel wasn't hiring.

There's a lot of reasons Caroline could be here.

Maybe she wants to sleep with me.

It's a little early in the morning for you to be this sexually charged.

So let's just...

Sorry to interrupt your coffee cake and catching up,

but Katherine is in the writers' room.

God.

If I may, I just wanna say, it is such an honor to meet you, Miss Newbury.

I'm Chris Reynolds.

My name is Eugene Mancuso. And when my parents got divorced, this show

I don't know who any of you are. I don't know who any of them are.

Oh, well...

Tom. I'm Tom. I write the monologue.

I'm the youngest monologue writer in the show's history.

-Don't care. -No? Okay.

I won't remember any of this, so here's what we'll do:

You're One, Two, Three...

Four...

Hi, Katherine.

Oh, Burditt! Thank God! How's your baby?

She's 27.

Her baby's doing well. She's just started preschool. She's

Never mind. I don't wanna know. I don't know why I asked. You're Five.

Six, Seven. That's what I'll call you from now on. It's just easier.

Are we allowed to call each other by our own names?

Just learn the numbers, Reynolds. I mean, Two.

-Yeah. -Can One and I switch?

I'm the most senior writer.

I'll take Seven. Lucky Seven.

Can we get into it and see if we can salvage anything worth taping?

You had that "trapped in the closet" thing?

Why are you dressed like you work HR at a funeral home?

Parvati, I don't look like that. I look professional.

Like I work HR at a law firm.

That's a card game you play with your children.

Anyway, it's something like that.

-You start. -Okay.

But it could be funny. That'd be your job.

-Who are you? -I'm Molly.

I'm a new writer.

-The new female writer. -I can see that, Brad.

-What are those? -These are cupcakes.

They're my way of saying thank you for this amazing oppor

You're late.

Late?

I thought I was almost two hours early.

Does it look like you're early?

Brad told her we start at 10.

Get in here.

-Should I? -What? Sit down.

Okay. Yeah.

-We left the obvious ones -That's where Mendelsohn sits.

He's in the bathroom, so...

-Okay. -And that's McCary's seat.

Where is McCary? I told everyone to be here at 8.

He got a call from his girlfriend, so it'll be a while.

They're newly long-distance, and I think it's hard for her.

Has it been hard for McCary's girlfriend? He must be such a catch.

-Could you sit down, please? -I want to.

-I'm trying. -Could you try harder?

Yes.

Oh, okay. I'll just use this trash can.

There's hardly any trash in it at all.

-Excuse me. -Okay.

Thank you.

It's kind of comfortable. Better than a chair.

-You're Eight. -What?

-Your name is Eight. -I'm Molly.

Why would anyone care what your name is?

None of you understand what's at stake? I am being replaced as host

because of declining ratings and lack of quality.

-Wait, what? -The show is great!

-Let's see them do 300 shows a year. -Fuck the ratings.

-We get no respect. -What do they know?

What do you think?

Oh, I think it's horrible.

It's terrible.

It's the worst. I hate it.

Please stop saying synonyms for "bad." Tell me what you think.

If I'm being completely honest...

and acknowledging how much of a fan I am of the show and all of your work,

I think there is room for a little bit of improvement.

Sorry the show doesn't appeal to the heightened sensibilities

-of you and your friends at the factory. -It's a plant, not a factory.

Whatever.

Seven's right. It's not smart to come in on your first day

and criticize a room full of people who have been doing this for years, but...

I asked your opinion, and honestly, I do not disagree with you.

I've been hearing a lot of this recently. Last night, from the person I know most

and today from this person sitting on a trash can whom I know the least.

But taking both into account,

the show is bad, I don't know why and I think it's your fault.

I love you too.

Oh, you must be McCary.

-How's your girlfriend? -Really good.

She got this new job so she's emotional. She misses me.

She'll be seeing more of you because you're fired.

Could you see him out? Now, this is what's gonna happen.

From this moment, none of you has a life.

You have no wives, no girlfriends, no kids.

You have only this. You live this show. You breathe this show.

When you masturbate, think about this show.

You'll finally earn those big, fat paychecks

that pay for your divorces and gym memberships you never use.

Think about why the show is bad and come up with ways to fix it.

Eight, sit on a chair tomorrow for God's sake!

Okay.

So...

Can I take the fired man's seat?

We'll all be out of jobs. I'll have to move to Long Island City.

-Probably sell all my clothes. -Don't be so dramatic.

How would you know? You don't have nice clothes!

It's not surprising. Any of your friends talk about the show anymore?

No, it's a relic. There's no buzz about it.

It's not a relic, okay? She is an icon.

It'd take them a month just to remove her Emmys.

Maybe Little Miss Chemical Plant can help us.

Don't even joke. Reynolds, give me one of your Xanaxes.

I need all my Xanies now that I'm poor.

Molly Patel!

Molly Patel, the quality control specialist.

Oh, my God.

Hobbies include ruining our lives.

I don't think she's worked a day in television.

I think she's a pathological liar.

I wish I was a woman of color so I could

get any job I want with zero qualifications.

We talked about this. You can't say that.

Hey, man. You remember Molly from earlier?

Yes! She told everyone the show was bad.

That's her. You'll be sharing an office with her.

Brad. Brad. Brad?

This is nice. Who's that?

That's the guy whose desk you're taking. He was fired last week.

He was my best friend.

So you must be pretty new too.

You don't have any stuff.

Oh, I've been here 27 years.

In case I get fired, I don't wanna get too comfortable.

You gonna tell me about your day?

It was a bit like trying to mount a prison production of Hamlet.

But at least prisoners get sunlight and exercise once a day.

That sounds very promising.

You always worked best with a captive audience.

Right now it is a hostile environment to be an educated, white male.

I mean, it's staggering how unfair it is, okay? Staggering.

Yeah, they completely overlooked my brother.

She's a diversity hire.

She'll be here 13 weeks. She's a single mom or something.

Hey.

I'm not a single mom, by the way.

I just look like one. And I guess I dress like one.

-No, I I wasn't talking about you. -Then who were you talking about?

My cleaning lady.

Your brother lost a job to your housekeeper?

-Yup. -Whatever.

Just so you know, I'd rather be a diversity hire than a nepotism hire.

At least I had to beat out every minority and woman to get here.

You just had to be born.

One of my grandparents was an immigrant!

This documentary was insane.

It said, basically, we're all covered in tiny bugs, and

No cupcakes today.

So, Molly, what is your deal?

I am from Central Pennsylvania. I love to laugh

No. Boring. Like, what do you hate?

What neighborhood do you live in? Who are you fucking?

I

I hate injustice.

I live with my aunt and uncle in Queens.

-And I'm not sleeping with anybody. -Where'd you go to school?

-Luzerne Community College. -Loser Community College?

Luzerne.

-It really sounded like you said "loser." -Why would I say that?

Don't listen to them. I dropped out of school and worked at the docks.

That's why I write so many jokes about seagulls.

What is the stage like? I cannot wait to see it.

We're not allowed on the stage. Only Brad and Tom.

-I'm head monologue writer. -You are?

You haven't mentioned it in 10 minutes. I was worried.

You all write on the show and you've never been to the stage?

Okay. Okay. This is how it works:

The writers are supposed to get here at 10.

I usually get here at 9.

Then we go into our offices and read headlines for joke ideas.

Some are a little more focused than others.

We submit jokes to Brad, who makes the selects.

That's what makes it in the show.

-Here you go. -I usually get some good stuff in there.

Then we meet in the writers' room to go over Brad's selects.

Oh, kiss my ass!

Then at 6:30, the show starts taping and we all watch.

And that is how we make a TV show.

So you never interact with her the entire day?

Until yesterday, most of us hadn't even met her.

Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I thought this was the women's room.

No. Wait, wait. You're right. It is the women's room.

We just haven't had a woman here in, like, ever. So, yeah, we use it.

Doesn't Katherine mind?

You kidding me? She doesn't come in here.

She has her own bathroom. We actually come in here to

To take a shit.

I don't understand anything about this job.

You're right about not being allowed on set. It's fucked up.

-Why don't you say something? -Like "see something, say something"?

Because it's not airport security, Molly, it's a TV show.

And she's not the...

classy role model you've been watching on TV for 20 years.

Hey, you know what?

I'm doing stand-up tomorrow night. Come see me.

We'll get a drink after.

Okay. Let's get going, everybody. One, you're up.

I have an idea entitled "Hollywood Zoo." Animals that look like celebrities.

-No. -Or celebrities that look like animals?

Can I...? Okay.

"Shrimp My Ride."

"Fancy Pelosi."

"Celebrity Fitted-Sheet Folding Challenge."

We worked on that together.

You and a celebrity race to fold a fitted sheet.

You know what? Forget it.

Can I just remind everybody here that the stakes could not be higher?

-Two! Go! -Okay.

So the Miss America Pageant and the Westminster Dog Show

are both the same week, so I thought, why not combine the two?

We ask the girls to run around the circle, ask the dogs their take on immigration.

Oh, the Miss America Pageant.

The scholarship competition where it's still appropriate

to ask a beautiful teenager who can't afford college

but who can afford breast implants about world peace. We're not doing that.

Where's John Phillips? I wanna hear his pitches.

What?

John died in 2012.

-John's dead? Are you kidding me? -About the death of our coworker? No.

Oh, that's terrible.

-He was so funny. -Yeah.

-Eight, what? -First, I'm very sorry for your loss.

He sounded like an incredible person.

Second, I'm really honored to be presenting my ideas here today.

God, I wish I was John Phillips.

I thought I'd take a step back and see what wasn't working.

This is what I do at quality control at the plant

and I thought I'd do that here.

The headline of my analysis is "Complacency."

I noticed three major areas where there could be a lot of improvement.

The first is your overall unwillingness to do high-concept recurring bits,

where you have to physically leave the studio.

Those can go viral if executed well.

The second is your total lack of presence in social media.

You seem to have contempt for it, which feels ill-advised

because most of your audience is watching on their phones.

The third, I think people get very excited when you share your beliefs.

What you just said about the Miss America Pageant, that was awesome.

When you reveal strong opinions,

it's when you really come alive as a performer.

That's when I come alive as a performer?

-Yeah. -Could I see that?

Absolutely.

I just want to say, I'm no longer attached to this idea.

Thank you so much.

So, what's the solution?

Oh, I don't have one.

Just to be clear, you don't have any new ideas or jokes?

No.

I've been doing this job nearly 30 years and I know what works,

and I'll tell you what doesn't. An absurdly confident newcomer

coming in, criticizing my show and giving me assessments of my comic persona

without doing the hard work of presenting me with solutions.

This This room is a ship.

I am the captain and you have barely earned the right to be an oar!

Do I make myself clear, Eight?

I have not changed. The audience has. They don't want smart comedy.

They want Kevin Hart on a Slip 'N Slide, so give them what they want.

Who's the most tacky, famous person out there?

-Reality star? -A YouTube celebrity.

There was one at the club I was at last night, and I got trampled.

It was the most glamorous thing that's ever happened to me.

-We're not considering doing this, right? -Mimi Mismatch.

-Who? -She is a YouTube star

who does comic sketches in the basement of her parents' house.

-Oh, my God. -She has 25 million Twitter followers.

-Okay. -My daughters are obsessed with her.

-She -Just book her. Book her.

Sorry.

I really gotta go.

-Oh, God! -Yeah.

-I can -Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

God.

Okay.

This has to stop.

I don't know, maybe I should just move back to Pennsylvania.

Can I give you some advice?

-You need to shut the fuck up. -Excuse me?

If you hear something you don't agree with,

you have to resist the urge to give your opinion.

I will not be marginalized by the iron fist of white privilege

that pervades this work environment.

I am not trying to silence your strong female, Indian, woman-of-color spirit.

Hashtag "Me too, trans is beautiful, blah, blah, blah."

You're still a new writer with no experience.

You need to stop giving advice and write something.

You're a writer, so write.

Okay.

Come on. You get more work done on top of the desk than under it.

-It's gonna be all right. -Thank you.

because of a coyote warning.

Not to worry though, they managed to get out in the nick of time, beep-beep.

I don't I don't understand that.

It's "meep-meep."

-What are they doing? -Practicing the monologue.

-It's the Road Runner thing. -Oh, the Road Runner.

-The enemy of Wile E. Coyote? -Yeah. Exactly.

Today, while President Bush underwent a medical procedure,

Vice President Dick Cheney was acting president

for 2 hours and 15 minutes, which is longer than any woman.

That's it. That's the joke.

I think we're good for the monologue unless I'm missing something.

I have jokes for the monologue.

Well, you don't write the monologue.

-But I wrote some jokes for it. -I have ideas for Katherine's hair,

-but that's not my job. -Seven, shut up.

Eight, for God's sake, go.

I shouldn't do this in an English accent,

-should I? -No.

"Three Republican senators are proposing a bill

to yet again defund Planned Parenthood.

As always, the men most obsessed with women's sex lives

are ones getting laid the least.

I never thought I'd say this, but thank God I'm going through menopause."

Good Lord, Eight!

You're the only talk show host who can make that joke.

-Plus, you're pro-choice, aren't you? -I am. What do you think, Seven?

My philosophy is the show's better

without the specter of abortion in it, but that's just me.

I think it's audacious.

Do people really want to hear about menopause? Because I don't.

-I don't know. I kind of liked it. -No, it is too political. We don't do that.

We haven't done that in a while.

So we'll start with fracking, work our way up to abortion.

People would talk about it for sure. And you believe it.

It's a bit long. Trim it and put it in the monologue.

to Vegas. Forty tourists were Listen, you've written it out with "40."

No, not make it bigger.

-Bigger, why? -That's got to be a word.

But don't change it now. There's no point.

Today, in Las Vegas, 40 tourists were...

-Burditt, I'm going to the bathroom. -You never have to tell me that.

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Was that William Butler Yeats?

Yeah, it is.

-You're not supposed to be here. -What?

Mimi Mismatch is here. I got a selfie.

Maybe now my daughters will talk to me again.

So you're doing the Planned Parenthood joke?

Be careful of showing who you are.

Once you turn that switch on, you can never turn it off again.

Katherine Newbury!

Yeah, and I have not seen anyone so poorly received

since I took a peanut butter sandwich into an elementary school.

It was announced today,

Starbucks will no longer require a purchase to use their restrooms.

Oh, no! I'm worried they might get disgusting.

My joke's next.

So an owl's been dive-bombing tourists in Times Square.

-She skipped it. -Very dramatic.

Not the only species angry about the price of Hamilton tickets.

We're back. I'm excited. I'm here with YouTube phenomenon, Mimi Mismatch.

The bit that launched you into superstardom, really,

was you with your dog, Lenny.

Here he is.

And you sniffing his butt, sniffing Lenny's butt.

And you pretend to faint.

Because it smelled real bad. Yeah.

And how on earth did you come up with that?

My dog Lenny had colitis,

and, for a while, had a real smelly butt.

So I took my life and I filmed it

because I find that the best comedy comes from truth.

How wise.

And these little videos of yours are your, as it were, contribution to the world?

Your way of pushing mankind forward?

-Well, they're fun. -What would you say was your calling?

My calling?

What is it you're most passionate about?

Is it dog-butt videos, or would you ever expand into...

cat-butt videos, say?

I know what you're doing.

-Excuse me? -You're mocking me.

You think that because my videos are light and silly

that I'm somehow intellectually inferior to you?

The only reason I said yes to this show is because my mom said you were smart.

But now I see that you are just a bitter, out-of-touch, old lady

-who's mean to people she's never met. -Go, go, go!

The fact of the matter is,

is that you need me, not the other way around. Bye!

-Is this live? -I don't know.

-I'm sorry. -Did you not prep her?

-Who here is good at sex? -Yeah!

All right, okay.

Now, I think that we're all about the same.

Because the truth is, there are like 10 sex acts.

And if you're an average American guy, you only need to do the first five.

That thought is entering your head. I'm gonna go to six. I'm

Especially you. Do not go to six.

Because everybody's number six is different.

-What was your favorite part? -You assumed I had one?

Yeah, I was watching you and you liked it.

I did like it.

I I like how relaxed you are.

Like, you're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you.

I've never been relaxed a day in my life.

I know. You're the hardest worker I've ever met, besides Tom,

which is probably why he's so threatened by you.

He shouldn't be. Katherine cut my joke.

It was so embarrassing. I told my mom to watch.

Oh, God. Oh, no, no. Never tell your parents to watch the show.

That's like guaranteeing that they cut your joke.

Also, get ready for this.

Like, you'll spend all day writing 50 jokes and they'll cut all of them,

and you will have achieved as much

as if you just stayed at home and called in sick.

Okay. So let me get this straight.

Never use the women's restroom, never tell your parents to watch the show,

don't decorate your office, and be fine being obsolete.

So just don't enjoy your job.

Exactly, yeah.

Tom tells me you do stand-up. Are you good?

Oh, no. It's just a way for me to test out material.

I am emceeing a show soon. It's a benefit for lung cancer.

That's random.

Not really, my dad died from it.

Oh, fuck. Wait

Were you close?

-With my father? -Well...

-Yeah, I was. I was. Now I feel bad. -Fuck.

-I'm sorry. -No, I'm sorry.

Do you need a good-looking, moderately funny stand-up to close out the night?

-Wait, really? -Do you know any?

That'd be amazing. Why would you do that for me?

-Because I'm a nice guy. -Okay, I know you're not.

I know what everyone thinks of me.

But just because I was lucky to get this job,

doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to lose it.

So if you think you can sleep with me

because you won't see me after three months, you're mistaken.

Who said anything about sleeping together?

Okay.

-Thank you. I had a nice time. -Thank you?

Wait, whoa, whoa, wait. Where you going?

Come over.

No, no. Thank you. I just don't think it's a good idea.

Yeah. No, sure. Yeah, yeah. We can do this dance.

-Dance? -You won't sleep with me now,

but you will in three weeks.

I get it, it's a feminist thing.

Are you kidding? Has this ever worked before?

-Oh, no. -What?

The Mimi interview went viral in a bad way.

You are just a bitter, out-of-touch, old lady

who's mean to people she's never even met before

The Mimi thing will blow over.

Am I like your least favorite aunt?

All my aunts are dead.

I need a publicist.

Making you accessible to the average American?

That's what I do best.

I told Leo, "Want an Oscar? Fight a bear."

You're not above the public or looking down at them.

You are one of them. You're America's sweetheart, baby.

You gotta put in face time with journalists.

They don't wanna talk to me and not to Brad, no offense.

No, none taken.

-I've been told I have no charisma. -Exactly.

So, what if we threw a party at your house and invited the press?

They could see you in your element.

You are not some cold witch who hates children.

You're cozy and domestic.

-I don't entertain. -You're an entertainer.

-I'm bad at small talk. -You're a talk show host.

-I'm not a people person. -Oh, honey, that's ridiculous.

If you want to turn this ship around, you're gonna have to be.

How do you feel about extensions?

Holy shit, honey.

Oh, what am I doing here?

-That's right. What's up, baby? Yes. -Hey, Daniel.

Daniel, you're funny.

Is that that comedian, Daniel...?

Daniel Tennant.

Billy Kastner's done amazing things with his career.

"You're welcome, America!"

We'll get you some face time. You gotta be cool about it.

Steve Martin gave it to her. Costs more than my apartment.

It's so beautiful.

Is that a tag?

-No. -Well...

Oh, God. Fuck.

What are you doing after this?

I don't know. But I will keep you posted.

-Hello. -Oh, God.

-I thought you could use this. -Oh, I could.

I have never fake-smiled so much in my life.

Is it obvious?

Very, yeah.

It's the same smile you had

when you lost your first Emmy to John Oliver.

Thank you for reminding me. You got a cigarette?

Yeah. I was wondering if I'd get a chance to talk to you alone

Stop it, Charlie. It was a mistake, and it'll never happen again.

That's how I got involved in that charity.

I'm gonna talk to some other people.

-Oh, God! -Shit.

-Oh, I'm so sorry! -I just got this blazer.

I need it for Lampoon hazing next week.

-Hayes, you remember Molly? -Yes!

Hey, I'm so happy you got that job.

It's cool they did that. It's important.

I think it's important they hire the funniest, most qualified people too.

Damn it.

Can I help you?

Sorry, I thought this was an empty room.

Why were you looking for an empty room?

Just to be alone for a minute. Not to steal anything.

Although you have really nice stuff in here.

I'm not a thief. My name is Molly.

Hello, Molly, who's not a thief.

I know who you are, by the way.

You're Walter Lovell.

It's an honor to meet you. You were one of the greats.

-"Were"? Jesus Christ. -Oh, no, no.

No, I mean, you're still amazing.

I mean, aren't you a professor emeritus at NYU?

"Emeritus" is what they call you when you're not dead yet,

but they don't want you to come in.

I actually know what that's like.

I write on the show. Your wife doesn't like me very much.

Why aren't you downstairs with the rest of the party?

I think people have a better time

when they don't have to pretend they don't notice me twitching.

It's called neuropathy,

one of the symptoms of Parkinson's disease.

A piece of advice:

Don't marry a man until he gives you a complete genetic profile.

Luckily for me, there is literally no interest from any man.

About Katherine...

be useful.

Make it so that even if she doesn't like you,

she needs you.

If it's okay with you, I'd like to stay here a while and listen to you play.

All right.

You said, "The only true meritocracy is in comedy."

Indeed, yes. It doesn't matter where you're from,

what you look like, how much money your parents have, funny is funny.

That's meritocracy.

As long as you're white, male and from an elite college, right?

Because that's all your writing staff is comprised of?

I write on the show.

And I definitely didn't go to a fancy college.

Does Katherine know your name?

I heard she refers to the writers by number.

I am called Eight.

Because Katherine said she couldn't be bothered to learn everyone's names,

so she pointed at the writers, shouted numbers and named me Eight.

Yeah, she also keeps us in cages and doesn't feed us.

But she does let us go to the bathroom once a day.

No, of course she knows our names.

My name's Molly. You have bad information.

-Yes, you do. This is, of course, Molly. -Hi.

-Everybody, let's make some room. -Hello, Brad.

-One of the writers, everybody. -Hi.

-How would you describe Molly? -Molly.

Molly. Molly is...

She said I was the vibrant splash of color

on the gray canvas of our writing staff.

I was touched.

And then she said something I'll never forget.

She said that despite our very different backgrounds,

-that I reminded her of a younger her. -Younger me.

Isn't that wonderful? I mean...

Huge.

Everybody's gonna want to get this.

Let's get a picture of Katherine and her beautiful Indian protégé.

-Molly. -Molly.

Guys getting this?

Thank you.

That's pretty good.

I think it's going beautifully.

-You haven't killed anybody yet. -Nope.

But it's still early.

You want to come over?

-Yeah, sure. -Oh, excuse me. Thank you.

Three weeks. Right on time.

Wait, really?

No, I just set that before I came over.

-Very funny. Very, very funny. -Come on.

Billy Kastner.

I guess everybody could get invited to this party.

I'd like to introduce you two to Danny Tennant.

-Danny, Walter Lovell. -How you doing, Walter?

And, of course, Katherine Newbury.

Classiest couple in New York City since Diane Sawyer and Mike Nichols.

Danny here, very funny, famous, and currently,

every female coed in the U.S. wants to lose their virginity to him.

-Stop. Just half. -That's gonna keep you busy.

Katherine, I'm sorry, I have to say, I am a fan.

You were such an inspiration growing up.

And your comedy is so smart.

I'll be watching your show, and I have to look up half the words you're saying.

That's so kind.

Did you take a shit in anyone's shoes yet?

You know, from your stand-up.

When you're at parties, you like to take a shit in people's shoes.

From the special. You saw the special.

Yeah, well...

Diarrhea!

-Did you enjoy talking to my writing staff? -Yes. Talented guys.

-They are. -Charlie Fain, especially.

Danny, what's next for you?

Prank show on MTV, or an arena tour sponsored by an energy drink?

No, I think I'll take a little bit of time off,

and work on some new material and kick around some new ideas.

You're at the height of your career and you're stopping to kick around ideas?

Yeah.

Daniel Tennant?!

You're replacing me with Daniel fucking Tennant?

We're in negotiations. Thank you, Margaret.

You cannot do this. We are working on something.

-You have to give us a chance! -You had a chance.

That's what 10 years of ratings decline is.

You can make it easy for yourself.

You can welcome him in, make it seem like you were part of the decision,

or it can be hard.

The choice is up to you. Believe me, I take no pleasure in this.

Oh, for God's sake, do me the courtesy of not lying to my face.

Fine. I take a great deal of pleasure in this.

Did you ever wonder if I think you're funny?

No.

Do you think I should, as president of the network you're on?

I've seen six presidents of this network come and go while I've been here.

Somalian fucking warlords have more job stability!

You didn't answer my question.

If you're asking me if I've ever respected your taste,

then the answer, Caroline, is no.

And if you want to replace me with a meme,

a T-shirt of a man who hides his xenophobia

and, by the way, his hatred of women behind a congenial frat-boy persona

to make yourself seem relevant, then by all means, you go ahead.

But I will not allow you to destroy the show that I built.

Know what's funny? Remember how kids used to have games in their pockets?

We passed on that.

Where are you going?

Oh, Four and I have that charity comedy event.

-I'm the emcee. -You're not going.

I'm so sorry, I have to go.

It starts in 30 minutes. There'd be no one to replace me.

And who's replacing you here?

Look around. These guys are staying. Four's not going.

It's not worth it.

I'd listen to that. That's good advice.

I have stayed late every single night this month.

It's for a charity. I'm sorry. I'm very torn.

You shouldn't be torn and you shouldn't let me know you're torn.

You can't just download your emotional state on to me

and hope that your honesty will somehow exonerate you!

-Upload. -What?

It's upload your emotional state. So if you take something off the Internet,

that's download. If you put something on, that's upload.

-So if this conversation were the Internet -Shut up, Seven.

-What the fuck? -Yeah.

Eight, if you leave, don't come back.

I made a commitment, I'm sorry.

Okay. Okay.

-So Okay, so -Yeah, continue.

Hey, hey, hey, give me the lineup. Thank you.

Okay. Okay, so Okay, so here's the pitch:

You are a pirate. It's 1860s.

I mean, it's like both. She's got the parrot on her shoulder

Right.

My day sucked.

I was fired from my job.

No, yeah. Really. Like 15 minutes ago.

I was actually fired for coming here to be with you guys.

And now, looking out in the audience, I'm not sure I made the right decision.

No, but really I got fired and I didn't think that was possible.

I mean, look at me, guys.

Look. I am a dark-skinned Indian woman.

Aren't I un-fireable?

I mean, I'm a token for God's sakes.

-Why is this for lung cancer? -I think the emcee girl's dad died from it.

-Who's the emcee? -I think she works at Colbert.

She works for me.

that I should have been fired.

Thank you so much for being here,

and thank you for coming out for this great cause.

Let's keep it going. Our next performer is...

Go on.

It's me.

Our next performer

Okay, this is surprising for a variety of reasons.

Our next performer is Katherine Newbury, everyone.

Thanks. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Now shut up.

So I joined Twitter.

I didn't want to, my publicist made me.

And I was okay at first.

I was with the twittering and the tweeting.

But you know where it lost me?

Fave-ing. Fave-ing.

Because "fave" is short for favorite, right?

But you can only have one favorite.

You can only have one. You can't have lots of favorites. It's stupid.

Faves. Faves. They can't all be your favorite.

It's stupid.

Lot of Twitter fans in the audience tonight, I see.

So that's not working.

Well, shit, guys.

I don't know, I just don't know.

I guess that's why they're taking my show away from me.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's happening.

They're taking my show away, and the thing is...

The thing is,

if they take my show away,

I do not know what I am going to do.

I am a woman in my 50s in Hollywood.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

In Hollywood, what am I going to do?

You know what? I've got it.

I could play Sean Penn's grandmother

in the movie where he is married to Emma Stone.

His childhood sweetheart.

It's so unfair. Tom Cruise is the same age as me.

We're the same age. He gets to fight the mummy. I am the mummy.

No, no, no. I'm too old to play the mummy.

They'd get Anne Hathaway in to play the mummy and put makeup on her.

I'll have to have a facelift just to do voice work.

I'll have to have Botox and lip filler

just to play the voice of a wise, old tree in a Pixar movie.

You know when you're watching an awards show

and they play people off with music when they've gone on for too long?

That's what they're doing to my life. They're just, "Get off! Time to die.

Just fuck off.

Take that old face and just go, go sit.

Go sit in the dark somewhere.

You remind us all of our ex-wives.

Yeah. The older ones."

Thank you. Yeah.

I hope I earned the privilege of your time.

Thank you, Dee, so very much.

-Get in the car. -Okay.

She's coming back. She's coming back! Come on, you guys!

I'll call you back.

-Don't push me. Don't push me. -She's coming back!

-Hey, look who's back. -Oh, my God.

-Hey. -Hey.

This is my fault. You were too scared to tell me what you think,

and I think I was too scared to hear the truth.

I am the only woman in late-night network television,

but I have been doing the same format and the same jokes,

hell, even the same cadences as some of these other guys.

So you want more jokes about female issues?

No, Seven, I'm not asking you to write me a tight five on menstruation.

I just wanna say only things I can talk about. Nothing is off-limits.

If you think it's funny, I don't care how personal it is.

I am a 56-year-old English woman who has never given birth

or seen a superhero film.

Write to that. You cannot offend me.

If you don't know enough about me, come and talk to me.

I swear, I will not scream at you.

I want it to be specific and I want it to be political.

I'm gonna do the abortion joke tomorrow. She's writing monologue jokes with you.

Sorry, I'm not a screenwriting course at the JFK Radisson.

I can't teach a total novice how to write jokes overnight.

No. I hate to break this to you, Seven, but you won't be teaching anything.

I want someone who doesn't think the same way as everyone else.

She's writing monologue jokes with you.

Listen to me, no matter what you hear online, from your agents, wherever,

believe only this:

This is my show and I'm not going fucking anywhere.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

We've got a great show tonight.

More good news from Washington.

Three Republican senators have yet again proposed a bill

to defund Planned Parenthood.

As always, the men most obsessed with women's sex lives

are the ones getting laid the least.

Never thought I'd say this, but thank God I'm going through menopause.

What exactly is wrong with my bits?

To be honest,

you're a little old and a little white.

Okay.

Those are facts. What the fuck can I do about that?

So recently, someone accused me of being,

quote, "A little bit old and a little bit white."

To which I responded, "I'm very old and very white.

I never do things halfway."

But what can a person like me do about that?

If I try and fix it, I can come across as trying to be some sort of white savior.

Then I decided I was okay with that,

so let me introduce you to a new series on Tonight:

"Katherine Newbury, White Savior."

My name is Katherine Newbury. Do you watch my show?

-Nah. -Nah.

Okay. Well, that's demoralizing.

Could you tell me if there's been any instant

where you feel that you've been treated differently because of the way you look?

Yeah, I feel like I can never hail a cab.

You feel like you can never hail a cab?

Let's see what we can do about that.

Here we go.

I actually didn't need to go anywhere.

That doesn't matter. This is how white saviors work.

I don't understand why people wouldn't want

to get to know about great journalists and writers.

Because that shit is boring. This is a comedy show.

And now, your host, Katherine Newbury.

Now, you are in a show about teen vampires

called Van Helsing Prep.

And you play a character called Lydia Stoker.

I can see they did a lot A lot of research for this.

It's silly. Whatever, it's for teens.

-She actually seems very smart. -I work to ground this character,

-though she's always in a bikini... -I'd watch that show.

I'll start to watch that show.

Kind of a guilty pleasure?

Well, you know what I think?

There's no such thing as guilty pleasures, only pleasures.

And I think Van Helsing Prep is a real pleasure.

-You've seen it? -Yes.

And your character is reminiscent of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.

What I mean is that it is It's very hard to pull off.

Thank you so much for saying that.

I mean, I haven't seen every episode.

-Can I hug you? -I Sorry?

Hug you?

She wants to hug you.

-Hug her! -Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Heavens to Betsy.

There, there, there.

-Hey. -Burditt's outside smoking.

No, I came to talk to you about a bit.

Katherine helps people complain about a messed-up Meal Kwik order?

I don't know if it's a thing yet, but do you wanna work on it with me?

-With me? -Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Of course, please. Come in. Welcome.

-I'll go get a chair. -Or a trash can or whatever.

Very funny.

One of the best parts about being a celebrity

is that if you complain about something on social media,

the company takes care of it because they're scared of bad publicity.

Nobody cares if your flight gets canceled, but if Chrissy Teigen's does, watch out.

So I've decided to file your grievances for you.

Millennial, how did you feel when your burger arrived without fries?

I forgot about it, and then I saw you on the street, and you asked

Devastated. Devastated.

We're so happy we avenged you!

-Great. Great. -Enjoy your fries, everyone.

"Playful viral bits and an overall more-engaged demeanor,

Tonight with Katherine Newbury is becoming a must-see once again!"

Yeah!

Tell me how you feel you were treated differently

because of the way you look.

Something small, not systemic.

There's nothing I can do about getting you approved for a loan.

Into the cab. Into the cab.

-Thank you so much! -You're welcome.

No, don't wait up.

Okay, yeah, I love you. It's all good.

I'm proud of you, Katie.

Hello, everyone. My name is Katherine Newbury.

Now, let me ask, does anyone in the audience suffer from depression?

Nobody? Apparently, I'm the only one.

I guess depressed people aren't the call-and-response type.

Now, schizophrenics, they are all like, "Here, here, here!"

And that's just one person.

Speaking of depression, this week, for me,

has been a total series of disasters.

-It's late. -It's been particularly irritating

You should be going home.

Were you really depressed?

-Or was it just part of the act? -I'm sorry?

I watched this stand-up so many times

when I was growing up, and it always made me feel better.

Like, she's talking about it and she's being so funny,

so I must not be weird for feeling this way.

Yes, I was depressed.

I still am.

Come with me.

And here we are.

Oh, my God!

How many Emmys do you have?

And a Golden Globe.

You were knighted?

You're Dame Katherine Newbury?

Knight sounds so much better than dame, doesn't it?

Knight is Lancelot and romance.

Dame, just the old bag who takes too long in the grocery checkout line.

Burditt is a baby in this photo.

That was the first year we won the Emmy. It was good stuff back then.

That must be Tom's dad. I mean, Seven's Dad.

Must be nice to inherit a job from your father.

He's not terrible just because he's privileged.

If his very worst qualities are elitism and snobbery,

that's not all that bad, is it?

Yeah, well, he thinks I'm a diversity hire.

You are a diversity hire.

What? You think no one ever accused me of sleeping my way to the top?

The point is, you're here.

And if you want people to see you as something other than a diversity hire,

you have to make them.

It's not fair, but it never is for women.

I want you to know that you have changed my life forever.

-No, look No. -And I will

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but...

your earnestness can be very hard to be around.

God. Why can't I express my admiration for you?

Successful people hate their own admirers,

and we're suspicious of people who compliment us.

-How do you have any friends? -I don't think I have any.

Yeah, it's getting late.

I have bad news.

For sweeps, they...

want you to introduce Tennant as your replacement.

We tried.

I was watching Game of Thrones,

and I'm watching it with my girlfriend, right?

And she's like, "Oh, my God!

This is so unfair!

All the women are nude, but none of the men are nude."

So I whipped out my nuts.

And she's like, "Oh, my God! Gross!" And I'm like, "Hypocrite much?"

But the other one got cut, right?

We can cut it and we can put this in there in its place.

So if we're running long, we can end on the Supreme Court joke.

And if not, we got two more cards ready to go.

All right. So why don't we? I don't know

Okay, I just have to say.

No, I need to say that you don't have to do this.

Stop!

-You need to do this. -Introducing Tennant is the classy move.

You make it look like it was your decision. It's the best we can do.

No, it's not.

This is your show.

It's an expression of who you are.

Is handing the show over to Daniel Tennant who you are?

I have to prepare.

That's not cool.

Hey. Hey!

-Are you out of your fucking mind? -Okay.

You can't tell her stuff like that. They made a decision, Molly.

Now it's our job, our actual job,

to find a way for our boss to tell America that she's stepping down,

and to do it in a way that makes her look classy and smart,

-and for all of us to save a little face. -Yes, saving face.

The most important pillar in the WASP handbook to life.

Okay, there's no pillars in a handbook, so get your metaphor straight.

You think we wanted to give the show to a douche like Tennant? No.

But we don't go rogue and just say anything we feel.

-That's not how things work. -Know what? Fuck how things work.

If I cared, I wouldn't have this job.

Which would be absolutely fantastic!

Do I remind you of a girlfriend that dumped you or something?

Oh, yeah, I had a long string of failed relationships

with semi-talented women who overdressed for work.

It must be so hard for you.

What?

That we have the same job.

It's not the same job, Molly.

You write jokes for the monologue, I'm the head writer.

Whatever, Seven!

Walk into a dead end, that's a great finish.

Nope, go that Yup. Yup. No, you showed me.

Walking into a closet, that's great.

And in five, four, three, two...

Katherine Newbury.

Now, there are some rumors out there that you might be replacing me.

-What? -No.

Well, you're a legend, okay?

I would be beyond honored.

Thank you.

The thing is, I

I don't want to go.

I get it. Who would wanna leave here, right?

Your name's on the drum.

Hey! Give it up for Katherine Newbury, y'all.

Make some noise!

Thank you for the noise.

I find myself in a genuinely strange position

because I truly do not want to go.

Do you want me to go?

No!

We all wish she could stay, right?

I mean...

You really wish I could stay?

Sure, yeah.

You really mean it?

Yeah. Yes!

Well, you know what Daniel?

I'll stay.

Only because you really, really want me to. Thank you, Daniel.

Kate, Kate, Kate!

-You're welcome, America. -That's...

If you agree with me, why don't you show me some love on Twitter?

We have to take a break. We'll see you back here shortly.

You did great.

-I got this. -What was that?

That sucked. We're done.

Did you enjoy that? Because now you're fucked.

I don't know, Billy. I think it really shook the dust off this place, don't you?

Now get the fuck off my stage.

She did what?!

Oh, another thing. I'm part of something called a hashtag

in which over half a million people participated or liked it

or did whatever they do with it. I don't know.

What's wrong?

Nothing. You were spectacular.

Walter, I'm not afraid of Billy Kastner.

-And you shouldn't be. -I'm going to open a champagne.

-Hi. -Hey.

So to celebrate the best day of my professional career,

I thought I would surprise you with vodka and cupcakes.

Cupcakes are for me, the vodka's for you.

The vodka's for me too, if I'm being completely honest.

-You should call before you come over. -Where's the fun in that?

I know, but I can't tonight.

Do you have someone over?

-Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. -No, no.

-Oh, this fucking sucks. Oh, God. -No, no. Molly.

Molly. Molly.

-I think we should get a drink. -Yeah.

-And then we talk about 73 Questions. -Yes.

Hey.

-Molly, wanna go somewhere and talk? -No, thanks.

-Come on. -You should ask someone else.

Maybe it won't take you three weeks to fuck them.

Hey!

So that was the other shoe.

What?

The other shoe dropping, with Charlie.

Oh, no, I don't wanna talk to you about this.

-Can I tell you a story? -No, thanks.

The summer after freshman year,

Charlie and I saved our money to go to Pearl Jam in Chicago.

It was gonna be this epic road trip.

The drive out was great. We got high every day, laughed a lot.

We even got matching compass tattoos on our thighs.

We get there, I go to get a T-shirt at the merch stand,

I come back and he's gone.

Gone? What do you mean, gone?

He met a girl. Left with her. I never saw him again.

You saw him later that night?

-I never saw him again that summer. -Why are you still friends?

I know that you wouldn't be.

No, you're too principled. They teach you that at the factory?

-It's a chemical plant. -All right, look.

When you work with someone you've known 18 years,

you can either be best friends or mortal enemies.

You can't be lifelong acquaintances.

Mortal enemies just felt like a lot more work.

-You still have that tattoo? -Oh, yeah.

Compass points right to my balls. It's fucking horrible.

-I don't want to wear it, that's all. -I get that. Let me explain.

-It's stupid. -But the bit is the idea

-you're a pirate everybody knows. -Katherine.

Katherine. Katherine.

-Sorry. -What?

Okay.

We don't

We don't have to do the hook.

Hey. I got your McNuggets. But I'm not gonna lie, I had a few.

Look at this.

-No. It can't be true. It's not possible. -They hacked his e-mail.

It has to be true.

-He hasn't returned my calls. -Why Charlie? Why him?

Because he's hot. Think it should've been you?

No, I don't. And, by the way, looks and fame aren't everything.

They're definitely everything.

Can we not be glib about this, please?

-I thought she really loved Walter. -She does love him.

-The line is "in sickness or in health." -And you know what?

People always make those vows in health.

So let's cut her some slack.

Let's get back to work.

Katherine Newbury is in the news for allegedly carrying on an affair

with a younger man, who happens to be an employee of hers.

Did you see this? I guess she took the advice

to get more of the younger male demographic to heart.

This is Walter. Leave a message.

Walter, please call me back.

I need to see you.

Katherine?

Oh, my God.

Open a window, for God's sakes.

It happened three years ago.

Walter had just been diagnosed,

and he was so depressed and angry, and I got angry with him...

for being angry.

And Charlie was so warm and funny and persistent and

And gorgeous. It's hard when there's someone that gorgeous knocking about.

Just a couple of months, but I've regretted it every second since.

You know what? It actually It doesn't matter

because I've been working on the monologue,

and we have an opportunity to say something here.

I'm not addressing it.

-What? -We'll go dark for a week,

and then I'll come back on and I won't mention it.

And then, in a month, I'll be gone.

You'll be gone? Why are you doing that?

Because of my utter humiliation in the eyes of the American public, maybe?

No. You're being demonized, Katherine, and it's not fair.

I should be demonized.

I'm Katherine Newbury. I stand for excellence without compromise.

I fucked up. I don't deserve the show.

I think that you're wrong.

You, with over two months' experience in television.

I get it. You are ashamed of what you did and you don't want to face it.

But everybody makes mistakes. You need to talk about it.

I need to talk about it?

You know what's so fascinating about your generation is...

your obsession with catharsis.

It's so narcissistic.

We might as well just go ahead and call it "catharsissism."

Where, for some reason, just because you confess something publicly,

you automatically get redemption.

I'm not gonna play that trick. I owe it to him and I owe it to me.

And that's what's called backbone. That's what's known as grit.

You wanna talk to me about grit?

I don't have any friends.

I don't come from a rich family.

I didn't have a man whisk me away when I was 20 years old

and tell me that I was beautiful and a genius.

And guess what, I'm probably not a genius.

And this show, this is all I have.

So fuck you for giving it up.

You are selfish and you are scared,

and you have deluded yourself into thinking

that is somehow the moral high ground, but it's not.

You don't have to worry about that anymore. You no longer work for me.

You're fired.

You know, it's funny.

You know everything about me, and I don't even think about you.

Bye-bye.

Look, please don't make fun of where I live.

I know it sucks.

No, it's cool. It's like you're in witness protection

and your secret identity is an elderly Indian woman.

Good amount of glitter. I like the ponies.

So are you super excited about getting your first period?

-Oh, come on, man! -Wait, are you?

Oh, please don't do that, okay? I'm not

I'm not good with I'm not good with that. It's not what I do.

I just got fired after working less than three months on the job of my dreams.

I have to go back to Pennsylvania and work in a factory.

-I thought it was a chemical plant. -It's basically the same thing.

Come on, you're not going back there.

Who will hire me?

I'm such a fucking loser. I make such a bad first impression on people.

Well, there is some truth to that, but I mean...

I hate everybody, and you made me like you, so...

Honestly, you need to stop being such a pussy.

Hey, that was incredibly offensive.

Maybe, but it's also pretty true.

You can't give up because Katherine was mean to you.

Come on, suck it up, okay?

Stay in New York. Get a different apartment.

Not this one. Anything but this one. Honestly, okay?

And find another show to work on.

You're too good, Molly.

Do you really think that?

You know how hard it is for me to compliment people,

so don't make me say it again.

Good luck. Yeah?

Oh, you can leave that.

I kind of like it.

I'm on Zillow, and in your price range,

you can't really afford to live anywhere nice.

Where can I afford to live?

Sogo. It's a neighborhood south of Gowanus.

Remember on the news? They found that corpse there.

God, Parvati! How is that helpful?

So you left after 10 weeks, huh?

I was fired.

I figured. I was trying to be polite.

I wasn't a good personality match with my boss.

What is she like anyway?

Because she's nice at the Emmys,

but I can also tell on her face that niceness is hard for her.

She was the least compassionate person I've ever met.

She could be so casually cruel,

all in the name of excellence and efficiency.

Sounds like a laid-back place to work.

I thought your jokes were really good.

And yet, every morning I'd wake up with this yearning to impress her.

Like if I could make her laugh, that meant I was reaching my greatest potential.

-So anyways, your jokes -And the sound of her laugh,

it would light up the room.

Like a thousand church bells. It was incredible.

I wanna hire you, but if you ever want to say something like that again,

it should definitely be to a therapist.

Oh, my God.

I would never say that about you.

-Please don't. -Oh, my God. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Fans on social media are wondering whether Katherine Newbury

will announce her retirement tomorrow night.

This comes after weeks of mostly tabloid reporting

on her alleged extramarital affair and her pointed silence on the matter.

This caps off one of the most interesting seasons

in late-night television in recent years.

Dogs with people names? Come on.

-Hey. -Hey.

No, it's fine.

-You need help with the speech? -No.

I'm sure you've all got something lined up after this.

I just came to say thank you.

Brad.

Tom.

Mancuso. Reynolds.

Burditt. Mendelsohn.

Weber.

Six.

How did John Phillips die?

Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

I remember being so hard on him.

You gave him a job.

I wasn't nice to him.

We're not here because you're nice.

We're here because you're good.

She cried and thanked us.

-What? -It was crazy.

When she said my name, I almost got an erection.

I really think you should watch the show later.

-You worked so hard on this. -Go to work. I'll talk to you later.

All right, all right. Bye.

-Walter. -Yeah.

I'd like to see you.

Okay.

Oh, but there's press at the house. I'll think of somewhere.

When I left my wife and family for a beautiful, young English girl...

they told me there would be karma.

That I would pay for it.

And then...

years passed and nothing happened.

And I thought, "Well...

I'm the luckiest bastard alive."

I guess I was wrong.

It's hard enough

for me to live with a disease

that's probably going to kill me,

without knowing that the woman I love...

decided one night, instead of staying at home with her invalid husband,

she'd rather fuck a comedian.

I want to say...

it didn't mean anything.

But it meant everything because it hurt you.

Yes, it did.

I know that.

The thing is...

you can't just take away one terrible thing you did

any more than you can take away

the million beautiful things that we had together.

That's a million-to-one.

If you can live with that ratio

for another few years...

then so can I.

But I'm not here as your husband, I'm here as a man who has advised you

your entire adult life.

Are you sure you're making the right decision about the show?

If it's over in one year or 10 years,

what's the difference?

It'll be over.

And what did I leave behind?

No friends or children. No

You didn't want them.

You wanted excellence.

Which almost no one gets in their lifetime.

Just be sure you're ready before you give it up.

I don't know what to say to them.

When the time comes, Katie,

you'll know.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well...

what a boring few weeks it's been.

Although, it's kind of refreshing for a woman to be the perpetrator

in a Hollywood sex scandal for once, isn't it?

I am, of course, referring to the multiple reports

that came out this week...

saying that I had been unfaithful to my husband

with one of my writers.

Spoiler alert.

It's true.

I've learned an interesting term.

"Slut-shaming."

My supporters have said that if I were a man,

I wouldn't be subject to this kind of scrutiny.

Here's what I think. If it were a man doing this, it'd be reprehensible.

But guess what, it's a woman doing it and it's still reprehensible.

And none of this would even matter

if I were not so

So hard on everyone, with such high standards

that I've defined my career by it.

The fact of the matter is that...

my husband is my family, I...

have no one else in my life, so...

So when this happened, I felt worse than I have ever felt.

And I am clinically depressed, so that's saying something.

And I thought, "I don't deserve these things anymore.

Him or the show."

But it doesn't matter

if I deserve you or not.

I need you.

And I've let you down.

I've taken you for granted for years,

underestimating you and thinking that you wouldn't notice.

But you did.

And the other thing I've learned is that this show...

is the source of my energy.

It's the reason I get up in the morning.

It's my life, it's my blood.

Yes. And entertaining you...

has been the joy of my life.

Yeah.

Dear God, I hope I've earned the privilege of your time.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

You know, I got into this business because I love television.

And I want to make relevant television.

I know when I say "relevant,"

you think I mean "pandering" or "lowest common denominator."

-I've dreamed of this day. -Caroline, please.

-I beg you. -You've been so abrupt.

But as I watched you, I realized I want to hear your take.

On the world, on everything.

And so does everyone else.

So the show is yours.

But I'm watching you, Katherine.

Just give a damn.

It's pretty fucking surprising, isn't it?

Hey, is this my Thai food?

Hope you brought extra peanut sauce. I hate when you forget.

This isn't your Thai food. This is Miss Newbury's driver.

Miss Newbury would like you to come down to the car.

You can tell her I don't want to see her. Thank you.

She said what?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Come on.

Son of a bitch.

Good afternoon, sir.

How nice.

Oh, goddamn it.

Oh, fuck it all.

Oh, God.

Molly, open up, it's me.

No.

I have just driven to this horrid little corner of Brooklyn

and climbed six flights of stairs to talk to you. Open the bloody door.

What do you want? I'm very busy right now.

Why on earth do you live in Coney Island?

Maybe it's the Ukrainian food scene.

Or perhaps it's the endless subway commute.

Not all of us can live in a town house on Gramercy Park.

Point taken. I heard you got an offer from Seth Meyers.

I don't think you should take it.

Really? Because I was considering it. Mostly because I don't have a job.

Also, he didn't call me a racial quota

whose existence was completely inconsequential to him. Here.

You remember that. Shit.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

The thing is,

when you hate yourself, the only thing that makes you feel better

is to get other people to feel the same way as you do.

Is this filtered?

I didn't mean what I said.

Thank you for saying that.

And for coming here.

-Do you like the color of my wall? -No.

I'm not gonna go back and work for you

because that was a toxic work environment.

I need you, Molly.

I need your pushiness and lack of boundaries.

I need the annoying way you light up every time I walk into the room.

It makes me feel like I'm not a fraud.

But mostly, I need your talent.

You love me.

No, I didn't say that. I No.

-Not in those words, but you -No, I didn't say it in any of those words.

But you have made an impression on me. A very big impression.

Please, Molly, come back.

It won't be the show you left, but I need you to help me change it.

If I do...

no more tantrums.

No more hiring people who all look the same.

-Okay. -No humiliating people.

And no withering looks.

-Like that one. -That's my face.

Can you try smiling?

Okay, forget it, forget it. Okay. Yes.

Oh, yes?

Well, good.

I guess I better go if I want to get to the bottom of the stairs this century.

Thank you. Great.

God, I hate Brooklyn.

Thank you.

-Hey. -Hi.

Okay.

Katherine Newbury!