Original subtitles

It was an early September morning.

Standing outside of a warehouse playing a hunch.

One of my sources gave me an inside on a conspiracy going down.

It seemed some senator was selling secrets to the Ruskins.

He had a thing with the ladies.

They were sending their foxes to agent.

It was chilly.

I had had only seven cups of coffee.

I was dead tired.

I kept having to ask myself, why am I talking in voiceover dialogue?

Damned if I knew.

Senator Blowhard, I'm Anastasia, the beautiful Russian spy.

Do you have the papers?

First things first, though.

Do you have what I want?

So do we have an agreement?

I'd heard about this, Dan.

Bat bitch, they called her.

Always wore black.

She'd show up.

Fuck guys, silly. Then, disappearing in the night.

Scoop of a lifetime just from my hands.

Lucky me.

Who are you?

East German, perhaps?

You do not stand a chance against the most sensuous woman in Russia.

I think this contract will be reopened to discuss this new bid.

But we had a deal.

I'm Anastasia. I'm the most beautiful Russian spy.

Retrieve in a senator when Washington wants me.

Take a hike, Rusky.

I've got business to discuss.

Who is that bitch?

They called her the bat bitch.

She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

I had to find out who she was behind that mask.

What is she doing here? Who does she work for?

Who the hell are you?

Didn't know who she was or where she came from.

Maybe she worked for us, maybe not.

But either way, I was going to find out who she was, or my name wasn't Johnny

Deadline.

Your voice, you speak so, so strange.

The whiskey was gorgeous.

Any other time, I'd have bopped her.

But I had my story.

She'd probably be calling her superiors.

The bopping would have to wait.

Yes, when hell freezes under, you miss the deadline.

But you are right. I must change my clothes and call my comrade.

Oh, man, we could use some serious consideration for these doctors.

Come on, Senator.

Fuck me.

I just don't understand what

you are doing with that nasty Russian bitch.

She just doesn't have what I have, does she?

That cock is good.

Great.

Fuck me like that.

Where'd she go?

Where'd she go?

Gone.

Vanished like a bat in the night.

What's more,

it was still daytime.

Well, the bitch was good.

She was very good.

Incredibly good.

I don't know what it all meant, but it sounded good.

Yes, operator.

Russia.

Correct.

Comrade.

That's right, comrade.

They call her bat bitch.

Yes, she is gorgeous.

But she is no match for the beautiful Russian spy.

I will get those plants.

No matter what I have to do, no matter how slow I have to sink.

What?

Describe them?

You are sick, comrade.

No, I would not.

I'd stop begging.

I must go now.

To think I'd give up a part in the ballet's ballet.

I'd comb the pawn shops in search of clues.

I don't know why, but reporters are supposed to comb pawn shops in search of

clues.

I came up with a big fat zero.

Stopped by my neighbor's, Naomi Simpson.

Nice girl.

By day, she was a librarian.

By night, she taught blind kids.

But then when you think about it, isn't it always night to a blind kid?

Are you talking in voiceover again, Johnny?

You know, I really think you ought to see somebody about that.

It was a good suggestion.

I'd take it up later.

Right now, well, I had Senator Blowhard on my mind.

Senator Blowhard?

He's the head of the top secret I don't want the Russians to find out about

subcommittee.

You know, I heard he and his wife are staying in town at the plaza.

I'd gotten a tip that they were at the plaza.

I knew they wouldn't be staying at the Motel 6.

Well, he's probably in the presidential suite. He always stays there.

He's got delusions of grandeur, you know. He might find him there. I knew

find him at the presidential suite at the plaza.

But then, that would mean leaving Naomi and her chocolate chip cookies.

And she made the best chocolate chip cookies this side of the Mississippi.

Well, take some with you.

I took some with me.

I knew I'd need them later.

And I was off with my day with density.

Destiny. I never could spell where the shit and still can't.

But that's what editors are for.

I told the maid I was Senator's special attache.

CIA headquarters in Angola.

She believed it.

Showed her a fake ID.

Maids believe those kind of things.

These maids are dumb.

That's why they're maids, not physicists.

I know there's bugs around. There's always bugs around.

Every room you're in, I look for bugs.

I heard a key in the door. It's time to go to work.

I tried to be quiet.

Who are you?

I must have the wrong room.

Possibly. Are you a beautiful Russian spy?

Well, then you have the right room. I'm Mrs. Blowhard.

You must be looking for my husband, the senator.

He has told you of me?

No, but he comes with the territory.

Probably going to make mad passionate sex with him in order to obtain some

secret documents.

You seem to know a lot of your husband's affairs.

Well, like I said, it comes with the territory.

But he won't be back tonight.

And since you're all dressed up with no one to fuck, you can't possibly be

suggesting that I have mad passionate sex with you.

Yes, I am.

Will it obtain me my documents?

Well, I can't say for sure, but it will get you one hell of a pussy eating.

It is against the regulations for beautiful Russian spy, but...

since he will not be back tonight, and I have nothing to do until then.

Marvelous.

That was it.

The plot was thickening, and I was right smack dab in the middle of it.

Did you hear something?

Yes, but maybe if we ignore it, it will go away.

You are a beautiful Russian spy.

Why don't you play back?

Relax.

And that's what this is.

That's my new toy.

Want to see how it works?

Oh.

um um

Oh.

um um

Um.

oh oh oh

What is it?

Submission is back.

Yes.

Yes, yes

No, comrade. I've not obtained the secret documents yet.

No, I've not had sex with the senator yet.

But I have had sex with the senator's wife.

Yes, she is one hot fucking babe.

What? No, I will not give you details.

And stop panting.

I do have a possible lead.

Yes, a reporter.

Who seems to know my moves more than I do.

No, he will not give you details either.

I must go now.

And to think I could have been a coal miner like my father wanted me to be.

no, I had to be a spy.

I'm surprised that Johnny used me as a reference on his CIA application.

I thought he was happy as a reporter.

He is, but his country calls to him.

Do you know this gentleman well, yes?

Well, yes.

We've been neighbors for quite some time.

He's very nice, very polite, but he does have this strange habit of talking in

voiceover sometimes.

I have noticed.

He seems to be able to put himself in the most clad steam places at the most

opportune time.

Well, he's very sneaky that way.

Do you know what his connection is with this certain Senator Blowhard?

Um, he's doing a story on him.

And doing so, would he know where this Senator is at all times?

I would assume so.

Sexual preferences?

Well, I'm just waiting for the right man to come along right now.

No, Mr.

Deadline, does he have certain sexual preferences?

Well, I would assume so.

Do you know what they are?

I don't know. We're just friends. I mean, listen, I'd love to stay and chat

you, but I've really got to get going.

I've got class tonight. Can you hand me those cards over there, please?

They are blank.

Well, yes.

I teach blind children.

See? They're in Braille.

Thank you. I must be going myself.

You have been most helpful.

Goodbye.

Beautiful Russian spy. I wonder what she's up to.

You can bet your sweet ass if it has anything to do with fucking that bitch

we'll be in on it.

It was Saturday.

I was sitting under a tree.

Going over what I had.

I had one beautiful Russian spy.

One senator on the make.

One mysterious, gorgeous nympho.

And one lesbo -senator's wife.

No matter how I figured it, it always came up 3 .14.

Aye.

I just didn't figure.

All it did was make me hungry.

How won't you?

The look in her eye told me that she wanted me.

What the hell?

There was no senator around and no bat bitch either.

I figured hell was getting a little bit nippy right about now.

I want you to make love to me, Johnny Deadline.

I want you to make love to me like you never made love to a woman before.

I've made love to women before.

She wanted me to make love to her like I've never made love to a woman before.

If I made love to her like I never made love to a woman before, that means I'd

be making love to her like I was a virgin.

And that was clumsy.

Couldn't figure why she wanted me to be clumsy.

Shut up and fuck my brains out.

I decided talk was cheap.

It was time for some action.

Hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Right there.

Oh, this is so nice.

I couldn't think anymore. My mind was spinning. I didn't know up from down,

from up, in from out.

Thank God for Naomi and her chocolate chip cookies.

Thank you.

Now, tell me what's wrong.

I was trying to think what was really bothering me, what was wrong.

I finally came up that it was that Russian dame.

She wanted me to do unspeakable things, things that I wouldn't normally do.

She wanted to take every threat of morality and patriotism I had in me.

Well, are you going to?

You could bet your sweet ass I was going to do it.

This Russian was hot, too hot.

She had her warm, wet thighs wrapped around me like the erotic tentacles of

octopus.

There are other women in the world, you know. Sure, there were other dames in

the world. About two and a half billion of them.

About a billion of them, well, they were underage.

And that left.

Well, about a billion or so.

Never could count, still can't. That's why we have editors.

Anyway, the rest of them, they were married.

About half of them, they were fat.

About a tenth of them, they were lesbians.

The odds were falling fast.

Well, what about Bat Bitch?

Then there was the Bat Bitch.

I'd seen her once.

If anybody could take my mind off that Russian dame, it was her.

But she was nowhere to be found.

She might be closer than you think?

You know, I was thinking she was closer than I would really actually think at

first. I could feel it in my bones.

But I didn't have time to think about that.

My deck was doing the thinking for me now.

I wanted to help the Russian by helping the senator's wife so that the senator

could get the secrets from the Russian.

All I had to do now was find the senator's wife.

She's getting her carpet.

I had a tip.

She was at the garage fixing her car.

I had to go.

I thought I'd take some of Naomi's chocolate chip cookies with me.

No Russian octopus is going to wrap her erratic tentacles around you, Johnny

Deadline.

What are you doing here? You are supposed to be seducing Miss Brohard.

I had waited around the garage an hour.

Service attendant told me that the car never even was checked in for servicing.

I go to the secret meeting place and warn the Russian there.

Take every back alley, every street, every dark path so I wasn't followed.

You! I will not lose to you again.

The Russian was good.

Too good. But the bat bitch, she was something special.

I could see electricity coming out of her eyes. She made me feel like I was

standing on a cold floor with no shoes.

You are standing on a cold floor with no shoes.

Then I realized I was standing on a cold floor and I had no shoes on.

Didn't matter.

My head was on right.

My cock was hard and at the ready. And I was going to fuck this girl for all she

was worth.

Just like that. I ain't to be forgotten.

Like some old shoe you forgot to work.

The Russian gave up quick, a little too quick.

But it didn't matter. The bat bitch was here.

I just wanted to tear her top off, dive into her titties and go sucka, sucka,

sucka.

Well, going to talk?

Or are we going to screw?

I was done talking.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Thank you for watching.

Ugh.

This brings to mind that old saying that people say to each other after they're

done fucking.

Do you smoke after sex?

Usually people say, I don't know.

I haven't looked.

I always say, just keep one by the bed.

But that's another story.

I've come to make a deal.

I've never seen this woman before in my life.

Ah, she's a beautiful Russian spy.

I met her the other day.

She's really quite good. You really should have sex with her.

You had sex with this woman?

Yes, Pocom.

She has some super secret stuff.

We do have some money around here somewhere, don't we?

I've come to make mad passionate love to both of you. You will give me the

documents I've requested.

Thanks to my brilliant planning, that bitch will otherwise be occupied.

Oh, what a shame. I was really looking forward to eating her pussy.

But they'll be as they say in one of those countries.

Come on, dear.

Time to sell our country out.

Okay, schnookums.

I've got it.

you

Thank you.

Okay. Okay.

Fuck!

oh oh oh

I love you, Americans.

Oh, fuck me, Jennifer.

Oh, I can fuck your dark fat ass.

Red, white, and blue, you communist bitch.

It was quite simple, actually.

Very obvious. I should have seen it from the start.

The senator's wife was actually a CIA agent setting up the Russian, who was

using me to set up the bat bitch who was setting up the senator.

The bat bitch was setting up the Russian, who, by telling the senator,

the Russian showed up when he was with his wife, thereby setting the Russian

What about the bat bitch?

The bat bitch was really something special.

Never thought I'd see her again.

But it really didn't matter.

I had my story and it wouldn't be a Pulitzer. I knew that.

I just couldn't help thinking.

I'll always be thinking.

The girl next to me, is that her?

Is that the one?

Is that the bat bitch?

No, comrade, I did not get the documents.

Yes, I was followed again by the one they call Bat Bitch.

No, comrade, I did not have sex with her.

That reporter, Johnny Deadline, yes, he had sex with her.

Polaroids? No, I do not have Polaroids.

But I soon will have something better.

Yes, I have a plan to get Johnny Deadline out of my way for good. I'm

take care of his girlfriend.

Then I would get the document.

That's the danya.

That's the danya.

That's the danya.

That's the danya.

That's the danya.

Is this the end? Will Bat Bitch become a proletariat pussy?

Will the evil Anastasia finally get rid of the caped cunt? And what about Johnny

Deadline? What about the senator?

What about the duck?

Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of Bat Bitch.

It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. That's right.

Our final contestant, and she's going to show us everything.

Everything she's got. That's right.

Cassie Christopher.

I can tell she took some of you on a real nice trip, right?

It didn't go through the ape trick. It's a gee whiz, gee strings. Well, what did

you think about our contestants, our final contestants?

Well,

we've had a good time. I know the judges have had a good time, and most of you

seem like you've had a good time. Yes, and the judges are now tabulating their

final scores.

Why don't we get all the beautiful ladies back out here?

I think we're ready.

Okay. Here we go.

We're coming down. Down we come.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my gosh.

I won the entire thing. Oh, no. Okay.

We have it, ladies and gentlemen. It's on these pieces of paper. We have ties.

These ties.

Okay. So our fifth runner -up tonight is Contessa Ayesha.

Thank you, Donna.

And our fourth runner -up is Kitty.

She's so pumped, so loud.

Our third runner -up this evening is Kathy Christopher.

And now we have a tie for first runner -up. That's right.

Hold a second. I didn't get an ooh out of you, pal. Come on.