Original subtitles

Pam, Pamela, Pamela, my ding dong.

Make a copy.

I'm not making any copy. Let's go.

Messages. Stat.

Lots to do, lots to do.

Information superhighway. Nothing new. What?

There's nothing new.

I thought what you said earlier.

Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for

The most sacred thing I do is care.

And provide for my workers, my family. I give them money.

I give them food.

Not directly, but through the money.

I heal them.

Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan.

Right? That's what this is all about.

Does that make me their doctor?

Yes.

In a way.

Yeah, like a specialist.

So, which health plan have you decided on? I am going to go with the best, Jan.

I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you

know, the works. Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you

looked at them closely, Michael?

Oh, I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the gold plan.

The gold plan? Yeah.

I'm not even on that plan. Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.

You know, the whole reason that we're doing this is to save money.

So you just need to pick a provider and then choose the cheapest plan.

Well, that is kind of a tough assignment.

It's not going to be a popular decision around the old orifice.

Well, it's a suicide mission.

You know?

Michael. I don't... Maybe, I mean... There... You know, sometimes a manager,

like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the

time. Oh, yeah. When have you ever done that? I'm doing it right now.

To you.

Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... Have you seen it? No, I have

Interesting. What's that like? You should try it sometime.

Wow.

But then who would watch my TV?

There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably

day.

So I am going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then

it to your coworkers.

Gosh. Yeah.

That is a great offer.

Yeesh. Thank you.

I really think I should be concentrating on sales.

Really? Yeah.

I just don't think that this is the kind of task that I am going to do. You know

who would be great for this?

Anytime Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do

it. Yes, I can do it.

I'm your man.

Right now, this is just a job.

If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career.

And, uh...

Well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Okay, first, let's go over some parameters.

How many people can I fire?

None.

You're picking a health care plan.

Okay, we'll table that for the time being.

Two, I'm going to need an office. I think the conference room should be

You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.

Yes, I have an office.

Bigger than his. Nope, you cannot use it.

Okay, I take it back. It's a workspace.

Temporary workspace. You can use it.

Thank you.

If Dwight fails, then that is strike two. And good for me for giving him a

second chance.

And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I've

groomed him. I made him what he is today.

Unless he fails.

And I've talked about that already.

Yeah, breaking bad news is part of being a manager, but an even more important

part is delegating, right?

So putting Dwight in charge of this thing, big test for him, but it's an

bigger test for me, which I aced, incidentally.

A plus for me.

We stole Dwight's trash can, and we found some of his early attempts at his

sign. Okay, this is very simple.

Dwight workspace.

Nice.

This one's interesting. The power comes from the font in this one.

Shrewd space.

Very medieval. Very England.

This one's forceful. This one's very Dwight.

Quiet. White shrewd working.

Good.

I really heard him on that.

This one's interesting. I'm not really sure what he meant by this.

It's quite true.

Private.

Tough to say.

Yeah.

He might have meant private eye.

He might have meant private eye.

You know what, though? I'm going to be willing to bet that it wasn't a typo.

It just is that this wasn't meant to be put on the door.

This is for him.

This is his own special sign.

And we'll keep it.

We won't tell him where we got it, but we'll tell him that we should hold on to

it.

Keep it.

What did I do?

I did my job.

I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved the company money.

Was I too harsh? Maybe.

I don't believe in coddling people.

In the wild, there is no health care.

In the wild, health care is, ow, I hurt my leg, I can't run, a lion eats me, and

I'm dead.

Well, I'm not dead.

I'm the lion.

You're dead.

There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1 ,200 deductible.

I'm really glad I don't have kids.

Thunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Pam, Michael, Scott, House Tricks.

Where are you? Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have

work up to my ears. I'm busy, busy, busy, busy, can't step away. I just

to check in and see how everybody's doing.

Everybody cool out there?

Actually, people are really unhappy.

Dwight sent around this memo.

And people are freaking out because of it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got to go.

I'm getting a call.

No, you're not.

I have to make a call after I finish my work. You know what?

Just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too

busy, too swamped, you know?

I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?

Okay. Thank you. Oh, God, here we go again.

Gotta go. I have to take this. Still no one calling.

Dwight. Knock, please.

Please, knock. This is an office.

It says workspace.

Same thing.

If it's the same thing, then why'd you write workspace?

Just knock, please.

Okay? It's kind of a respect for your superior. You are not my superior.

Oh, gee. Then why do I have an office?

I thought it was a workspace.

Okay. Dwight.

Dwight.

Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan? Yes, and my decision

is final. This is a ridiculously awful plan because you cut everything.

Times are tough, Pam.

Deal with it. You cut more than you had to, didn't you?

Sure. Well, why did you do that?

You work here. Don't you want good insurance?

Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system. Okay, well, if you've

never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.

I don't need them.

Superior genes.

I'm a shrewd.

And superior brain power.

Through concentration, I can raise.

And lower my cholesterol at will.

Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?

So I can lower it.

He literally won't come out of his office.

He's got to come out sometime.

To go to the bathroom.

Kevin, that's inappropriate.

What if you get hit by a car?

Never happen. I can sense it. Okay, what if you had a serious disease, Dwight?

Like Ebola?

Please. Well, it could happen. Have you ever seen the movie Outbreak? Yeah, have

you ever seen the movie Unbreakable? He couldn't get sick.

Okay, have you ever seen the movie Sixth Sense?

Maybe you're already dead.

Unlikely. But possible.

Michael, can I talk to you? I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check?

Michael?

Michael, please.

Can we talk about the memo?

Uh, what? Which, uh, which memo? Dwight's health care memo. I told you

Is it a good plan? It's a great plan.

Saves the company a fortune.

It's like a paid decrease.

Michael, he made a huge cut. Cut?

What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?

Yeah, you said to go ahead and trim it. No, no, no, no, no. You know what?

I said nothing specific because I was so busy.

Why don't you go in there, Dwight, and find these people a plan that'll work

them, okay?

I can handle it. Okay.

All right.

We feel good.

All right. Good.

Plus, there's some other good news.

Today, at the end of the day, I will have for all of you a big

surprise.

OK, so hang in there and I will see you at the end of the day.

All right.

Just not good. That's ridiculous.

Did you talk to him?

What was that?

You let him walk all over you. What are you guys talking about? Nothing, Kevin.

Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no.

It doesn't matter.

The point is, they're not unhappy anymore.

They're out there thinking, wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a

surprise. He's cool.

What a great guy.

I love him.

I... Love him.

Okay, everyone, gather around.

Step forward.

It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan,

so what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you

have that you might want covered, and we'll see what I can do. Okay, you know

what, Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's

confidential. Okay, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I?

Fill it out, leave it anonymous.

Or don't write any disease down at all, and it won't be covered. Sound fair?

Good. All right, I'll be in my office.

Work space.

You know what? Come with me.

We are going on a little mission.

Operation Surprise.

Where are you going?

Um, headed out.

Part of my busy day, you know.

Meetings.

Goodbye to not.

Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. Don't mind the cameras. They're just kind of

doing a little movie about my life.

Just wanted to pick your brain about some things.

So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees.

We've got 16 people, and I was thinking weekend getaway, party bus,

entertainment, hotel, you know, the works. Hit me. What you got?

We have a really nice package to Montreal right now.

You can do the whole thing, tax, out the door, $499 a person.

$499. Why don't we just all go to Paris and back?

Let me throw something back at you. Atlantic City, okay?

They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody

You head down there, get to the hotel.

Room is comped. They give you a big pile of chips and your food.

Everything's just kind of all -inclusive, free.

Kind of weekend.

I don't know of anything like that. But, you know, what you might want to do is

just call those casinos directly, maybe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I did, so.

Wait, what are you writing?

Don't write Ebola or Mad Cow Disease.

All right.

Because I'm suffering from both.

I'm inventing new diseases. Oh, great.

So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid, and then they drip down the

back of my throat. What do you call that?

I thought you said you were inventing diseases.

That's spontaneous dentohydroplosion.

Well, it is time to call in a little favor. A buddy of mine runs this tourist

attraction. Actually, it's big. It's probably one of the most popular in the

state.

Hello.

Hey, hey, Kregers, my man.

It is Michael Scott here.

Thunder Mifflin, we supply your office paper.

Oh, I think we already did our order this month. No, no, no, no, no. No,

actually, I am calling to ask you a little favoroonie, my friend.

Trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost, and I was

thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.

You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mine shaft?

It's not really a ride.

It says here that it's a 300 -foot drop.

Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.

So it's not a free fall?

It's an industrial coal elevator.

All right. Well, once you get down into the mine, you got laser tag or

something? No, you just look around.

It's an historically preserved coal mine.

That's it?

Well, there's the adjacent anthracite heritage museum.

They've got some really interesting old mining tools.

There's also a...

photo mural exhibit, uh, bad quantum sculpture.

Uh, be a small client. Doesn't really buy much.

You promise these are confidential?

100%. Did you just mark on that?

I don't think so, no.

You made a P. Wrong.

Evan?

You finished?

Oh, yeah. Here's the rest of them.

That was... Unauthorized.

Okay, okay. So I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No.

No way.

See, I thrive on this.

This is my world. This is improv.

This is whose line is it anyway?

All right.

Let's play a little game.

Throw me out of the location.

Office. Okay.

How about a situation?

You promise your employees a surprise and you don't have one.

Okay. Ready? Here we go.

And go.

So it'd be like that, you know?

And, you know, if I was up on a stage, it'd be... It'd just be rolling,

so... All

right, who did this?

I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them. What are you

talking about?

Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony.

Okay, whoa.

All right, because that's a pretty intense accusation.

How do you know that they're fake?

Uh, leprosy.

Flesh -eating bacteria.

Hot dog fingers.

Government -created killer nanorobot infection.

You did this, didn't you? Absolutely not. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. I know

was you. Okay, fine. You know what? I'm going to have to interview each and

every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known.

And until that time...

There will be no health care coverage for anyone.

Killer? Animal? Robot?

It's an epidemic.

I did not dismiss you. Well, you have no right to ask those questions. Well, you

came into my office voluntarily.

Because I don't want my benefits slashed. If only they won't get slashed

answer all my questions.

I'm reporting you. I'm reporting you.

Whenever a worker is promoted above their peers, naturally there's going to

some jealousy.

And that's going to lead to goofing off, which is fine.

It's okay.

As long as they're willing to suffer the consequences.

Michael, I need to talk to you. Sorry, too busy.

Can't even come to the door.

Michael. Yeah, no.

Michael, I'm sorry.

You know what?

I'm out the door.

I'm going to a meeting.

Pam? I'm headed out to another meeting, so see you later.

Pam?

Why do you want health care, Pam?

Huh?

Why do you even want it?

In case I get sick.

Why don't you just go ahead and use Roy's health care plan, huh?

Because we're not married.

But you're engaged, aren't you?

Hmm.

Maybe you've set a date.

And that is allowing you to not take our health care plan seriously.

We haven't set a date.

You've been engaged for three years. Do you honestly expect me to believe that

you haven't set a date yet? I think you have.

And I know that you wrote down those fake diseases.

Admit it.

Admit it, Pam.

Shut up, Dwight.

I didn't give you permission to... I'm not talking to anyone. I didn't...

She'll be back.

What?

I have a confession to make.

Yes, good.

I knew it was Jim. Remember before when I said it was Jim?

Okay, so... Okay, here's my confession.

Earlier today, When you were looking? Yes.

I decided that you were a jackass.

Okay. You want to do this the hard way? We'll do this the hard way.

You wrote down those fake diseases, didn't you? No.

Was that the hard way? I know you did.

Then why are you aping everybody all the time?

Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down.

Shit.

I want you to write something down. Okay.

Hi, Jim Halper.

Committed health care fraudulence.

Wait, one second, because that sounds really good.

Is jackass one word or two?

One, right?

Because of the show, it's one.

What is Dwight Abides?

It's awful.

The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical

condition won't receive the care they need because someone, And this office is

coming up with all this ridiculous stuff.

Count Choculitis.

Sounds tough.

Why did you write that down, Jim?

Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? Do you?

I think you need to confess the fact.

Yep. What are you doing?

What? Those are my keys.

Good luck.

Jim! Damn it!

No!

Jim, let me out!

Jim, let...

Jim Halpert? Let me out. Who is this?

Let me out or you're fired.

No, you can't fire me. Yes, I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your

Okay. Can you hold on one second? I'm getting a beep.

Jim Halpert?

Hey, Jim. It's Pam.

Hey, Pam.

How are you?

Good. How are you? I'm doing okay.

Getting excited for the weekend, though. Yeah. Yeah, what are you up to?

I'm not bothering you, am I? No, not at all. You don't have anything you're

doing? I have nothing to do. Oh, great. Jim?

Yeah, no, this weekend, nothing. I'm not really doing anything.

Oh, yeah? Might go to the mall.

The mall? I need new shoes.

Oh, interesting.

What kind of shoes?

Hello? Hello, this is Dwight Fruit calling for Jan Levinson Gould.

Dwight Schrute calling. Acting manager, Scranton Ranch.

Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.

Who is this?

Dwight Schrute.

From sales?

Well... Where's Michael Scott?

He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.

Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything.

Understand?

That's not entirely true because he put me in charge of picking the health care

plan.

Yeah. Okay.

When Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately. Call you

immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen.

Since I have you on the phone, can I fire Jim?

No.

Please don't use my cell phone ever again. Oh, this is your... I thought

was your... Hey,

hey, everybody.

Ice cream sandwiches.

Here you go. Take one. Take one. It's all good. Fill it. Think fast. Yeah.

Oh, oh, I see Angela. Right. Angela.

Hey,

Temp, why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care and faster

metabolism. You get the kind with the cookies instead of the... Why don't you

just eat it? Okay.

And here you go, Stanley the Manly. Oh, thanks. There you go. This isn't a big

surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.

Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise.

It's surprising, uh, because you didn't expect it, but you will, you'll know it

when you see it.

Michael! Michael!

I

tried

being rational, okay? And what happened?

The employees went crazy. I got no help from corporate, so that leaves me with

no options.

I'm now going to read aloud your submitted medical conditions. When you

yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not

raise your hand, it will not be covered.

What about confidentiality? You know what?

You have forfeited that privilege.

I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here.

Number one, inverted penis.

Could you mean vagina?

Because if you do, I want that covered. I thought your vagina was removed during

your hysterectomy.

The uterus is different from a vagina.

I still have a vagina.

Okay, great.

Dermatitis. Thank you, Angela.

I'll make sure that's covered.

How many women here require birth control?

Phyllis?

Pam? Not you, Meredith.

Kelly? Do you need birth control?

Okay, now. Who wrote this?

This hysterical one.

Anal fissures.

That's a real thing.

Yeah, but no one here has it.

Someone has it.

This is crazy.

You can't pick a health care plan disease by disease.

It's stuff like deductible levels and co -pays. You are way out of line.

You know what? This is pointless.

So I'm going to go.

Fine, Jim. Thank you.

Oh, okay. Everyone's leaving. Fine. Okay, everyone leave.

I'm sticking with the original plan.

Shut the door to my office on your way out.

Work space.

You

think

we should go?

I don't know, Kevin.

I mean, this is important. I don't want to hear this.

What is he doing?

I don't know.

Well? Well, what?

You could be referring to anything.

Okay. The health care plan.

Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.

Uh, Dwight?

Did you raise benefit?

I most certainly did not. Oh, come on! That's horrible!

Thank Dwight for a crappy plan.

Damn!

I wish I had time to change it, but...

Jan needs it by five, and... What time is it? What time is it? Oh, it's after

five. Oh, it's awful.

So, well, okay.

See you guys on Monday.

What about the surprise?

Oh, yes.

Exactly. Thank you, Angela, for reminding me.

Terrific. Before I tell everybody what the big surprise is...

Would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?

We all think you don't have a surprise.

All right. I have some news for you.

There is a big surprise.

And here it is. Here we go.

And the big surprise.

When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive.

See, I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Stile.

Robin

Williams.

Oh, man, would I love to go head -to -head with him.

That would be exciting.

I, oh, I'm Mork from Mork. Well, I'm, I'm Bork from Smork.

Nanu nanu.

Yippity bloop bloop.

Um, Carson, Letterman, you know.

Need I say more?

No.

Steve Martin.

Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.

We're all going bowling!