All language subtitles for Ucc (1951)

(Narrator) 'Who has never dreamed
of knowing heaven on earth,

'of sailing away to a desert island?

'Well, here's a story
about such a dream come true.

'A story that starts in London,
at tea time.

'Which is not surprising
since it's always tea time in London.

'On this particular day, at the house
of The Honourable Mr Bramwell...'

Your tea, Mr Bramwell.

The heir from America
is waiting outside.

The heir from America?

Oh, we can't keep him waiting.
Eh, gentlemen?

Well, don't stand there gaping, Pringle.
Show him in, immediately.

Will you go in now?

- Mr Laurel, I presume.
- No, no, I'm Oliver Hardy.

I'm Mr Laurel's financial exchequer.

- But where is Mr Laurel?
- Oh, right here. Mr Laurel is...

Ah, Mr Laurel,
we've had quite a time finding you.

(Clock rings)

And now, gentlemen,
let me introduce the two attorneys

who handled your late uncle's affairs
in France and in Italy.

Mr Hardy, Monsieur Bonfois.
Mr Laurel, Signor Paltroni.

How do you do?

Signor Paltroni, Mr Hardy.
Mr Bonfois, Mr Laurel.

My name is Bramwell.

Mr Hardy!

Well, gentlemen,
could we get down to business?

Oh, thank you, Stanley.

Now, just how much
was this legacy?

Oh, you Americans! You never seem
to believe in formalities, do you?

(Laughs)
There's one thing about us.

We always believe in business
before pleasure.

You see...

Pardon me.

Thank you very much.

Now, could we proceed?

As a matter of fact,
we had better get right to business.

Your uncle was quite an eccentric.

He didn't believe in banks.
(Laughs)

He insisted on keeping his money in cash.

- And here it is.
- What is it?

It's money, I think.

Indeed, it is money,
and a very large sum.

- Italian lira.
- French francs.

And English pounds.

Stanley...

Mr Laurel, before we actually
turn this money over to you,

there are, of course,
some administrative charges.

These include
overhead legal charges...

(Bonfois) Deflation, amortisation...

Currency fluctuation, foreign exchange
and a few other incidentals.

Gentlemen!

Here's your receipt, Mr Laurel.

Well, gentlemen...

(Bramwell) My dear Mr Hardy,
there is another small item.

- What now?
- The taxes.

To save you time,
we've had them all figured out.

Including, naturally,
a slight fee for our services.

These deductions represent income taxes,
state taxes, inheritance taxes,

death taxes and living taxes.

And a few other plain taxes.

Gentlemen...

Wish Uncle had left me the taxes!

Is that all we get?

Oh, but you also get an island!

- An island?
- And a beautiful yacht.

- A yacht?
- Yes, yes.

The yacht is tied to a dock right here, see?
In Marseilles, France.

And the island is here,
in the South Seas.

Gee, that sounds wonderful, Ollie!

Well, that sounds swell, but...

How much are the taxes on that?

Oh, none.
The island is absolutely tax free!

- Here's your money.
- The papers for the boat.

And this is the deed to the island.

Well, now, that cleans out, er...
I mean, that cleans up the estate.

Gentlemen, I bid you good day.

Come, Stanley.

Why don't you be careful?

(Ship horn blows)

Take a look.
Here's your little boat, gentlemen.

(Blows whistle)

- And here's your port clearance.
- Ah!

Boy, we'll need a crew for this one.

A crew?
What do we need a crew for?

- I'm running this boat!
- Well, let's get on it.

- Oh, I beg your pardon. Dock fees.
- How much?

- 19,000.
- Lovely!

Thank you, sir, and bon voyage.

- Merci beaucoup.
- Good day.

- Bon tomorrow!
- Thank you.

It's a good thing he didn't take the taxes.
We'd have had nothing left of that.

Pardon me. Thanks a lot for reminding me.
I forgot about it.

- Thanks.
- Er, Monsieur...

Thank you. It's much too much, sir.
Much too much.

What did you have to open
your big mouth for?

- Well, I didn't know he was going to take it.
- Come on and let's take a look at the boat.

(Groans)

We've got plenty of gas!

(Engine squeaks)

Let that thing alone!

(Engine squeaks)

Put that down!

- Look, there's a tunnel.
- Look.

See?
Let's go down.

- Why don't you watch where you're walking?
- Well, I couldn't help it.

Oh, never mind that.
Let's see what we've got here.

(Cats yowling)

Shh!

- I didn't know they were living underneath.
- Well, they've moved now!

(Yowling)

- What'd he say?
- I wouldn't care to repeat it.

Come on!

(♪ Humming)

- What happened?
- Mind your own business!

Oh, look!

What is it?

Well, that's an emergency life raft
for four people.

- You can't get four people into this thing!
- You don't understand.

Inside there's a compressed air cylinder.

When you release the valve, it blows up
large enough to carry four people.

Well, what about me?

You don't have to be insulting.

Haven't I always taken care of you?

You're the first one I'd think of.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Ollie.

Ollie.

Ollie.

Yoo-hoo!

Take that snake skin off
and get that cargo aboard!

"What about me"...

What about me?

Don't waste time like that.
Throw them to me and I'll put them there.

(Ollie continues blowing whistle)

(Groans)

(Groans)

Look at that!

- What goes on here?
- There's a man in the cage!

- I bet it's Antoine again.
- But the guy must be mad.

I'm a monkey, I tell you!

- He's a stateless man.
- A what?

Somebody who has no nationality.

Oh, he's not a bad guy, really.
But no country seems to want him.

He'd do anything to get back on land.
Let's go, Antoine.

Don't you know it's against the law
to land here without a passport?

Arrest me, punish me,
teach me a lesson, put me in prison!

But remember that to put me in prison
you've got to let me land.

How long has he been
on your ship, Captain?

Oh, months.

He tried to get ashore at Tetrokovac,
Nagasaki, Caracas, Sydney...

- Brooklyn.
- Brooklyn, Salonika...

Everywhere we stopped.

- All I ask for is a country.
- Well, get a passport.

Oh, that's easy to say.

How can I get a passport
if I have no country?

And how can I get in the country
if I have no passport?

Sorry, I didn't make the regulations.

You're not allowed to land in this country.
That's the law!

Fine laws!

You land monkeys without a passport,
and not human beings!

Take him back on board.

Let's go!

- Canned food, one crate.
- Canned food, one crate.

- Six sheets, plywood.
- Six sheets, plywood.

Six sheets, plywood.

- Six sheets, plywood.
- Six sheets, plywood.

- Sugar, one sack.
- Sugar, one sack.

Oh, all right.

(Man) Sugar, one sack.

Won't you ever stop
playing hide and seek with us?

- Go on. Beat it and quick!
- But you two always stop me.

Now, see here.
You're probably a good stonemason.

- Why don't you go and work in Italy?
- But I'm an immigrant!

- That's just it. Immigrant in Italy.
- You kidding or something?

How can you immigrate
to a place you've left already?

Well, maybe.

But one sure thing, you're not going to leave
Marseilles without paying your passage.

- It's a funny world, huh?
- How come?

Well, here we are, catching a man
who tries to sneak off a boat

and catching another man
who tries to sneak on,

when they could settle it so easily
with one another.

(Sighs)

Oh yeah? You borrowed that
without asking me.

Well, I wouldn't have minded losing it
if your trick had finally worked.

It's tough, eh, Antoine?

- Oh, I'll find another way out, don't worry.
- Don't tell me about it, huh?

Good morning, boys.

What'd you say?

I haven't opened my mouth!

Good morning, boys!

- Going on a vacation?
- We're going to the South Seas.

- That's a long trip there and a long way back!
- Yeah, but we're not coming back.

You see, we own an island out there.
Don't we, Ollie?

Uh-huh.

- Say, how do you start an engine?
- With a mechanic, of course!

We can't afford one.
We haven't got any money.

- We did have, but they took it all for taxes!
- Well, don't worry.

I'm going to send you a mechanic
and he won't cost you a cent!

- Well, everything's arranged.
- What is? My execution?

There are two characters alongside.

They own an island in the South Seas.
You're invited.

And you won't need a passport
to get ashore. (Whistles)

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Look out.
- Thank you.

(Engine starts)

- Good morning, Stanley.
- Good morning, Ollie.

- Er, where are we?
- We're here. You see? Right...

Well, we shouldn't be.
We'll have to change our course.

Keep her on course.
You can eat later.

- But I'm hungry.
- So am I! Selfish!

(♪ Humming)

- Your hat.
- Oh, thank you.

Forgetting your manners
when you get on a yacht...

Stanley, this is wonderful.
The sea, the sky, the sun...

And you and I alone
on the bounding main.

What do you mean, alone?
He's with us.

Oh, of course, Antoine.
He's our very, very good friend.

Yes, sir.

And we'll share and share alike.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Stanley, open the skylight
so we can get some of that good sea air.

You know what?
You need glasses.

- It's already open.
- What?

When you get to the island,
you'd better see an optimist.

Hot rolls and butter.

And for the pièce de resistance,
Antoine presents his specialty,

the côte de veaugarnie.

- Ah! Sounds good.
- Mmh!

I'm going to enjoy that, I know.
I love côte de...

Hey, Antoine. I suppose in the garnie
you use a small touch of garlic.

Oh, I hardly use a pinch.

A man that would steal food from a friend
is the smallest thing in the world.

Oh, I don't know.

All I hope, Stanley,
is that you enjoyed your roll.

How could I enjoy it,
when you stole it?

- What do you mean, I stole it? You stole it!
- You're telling...

I would like you to know how happy I am
to have you both as my friends.

I would like to give you a toast.

- I give you friendship!
- Friendship!

Here's how!

Let's have another, eh?

To friendship!

- To friendship!
- To friendship!

Here's to your health!

(Scoffs) Friendship!

Friendship.
That's something really swell, no?

No!
Definitely no!

Oh! Oh, the chops are done.
Sit down, my friends.

Antoine is going to serve you
his masterpiece.

- What's the matter now?
- You know what's the matter.

I want my chop!
Varnished with garlic!

You've got a lot of nerve!

You want my chop
after you've eaten yours!

- I'm sorry.
- Well, you should be!

Just a minute!

Where's my potato?

Now, listen.

If you think I've eaten your roll
and your potato and drank your wine,

- weigh me.
- Well, if you didn't, who did?

(Blade wobbles)

You can't scare us with that.

As admiral of this ship,
I'll have Stanley put you in irons!

What's all this about?

- You stole my potato!
- Yeah! And my roll, wine and chop!

Incidentally,
who's steering the boat?

Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I tied the wheel on its course.

Well, for once
you have used your head.

Thank you, Ollie.
I'll try and do that more often.

(Engine stutters)

(Engine stops)

- What was that?
- The motor's stopped!

Fix it.
You're the engineer.

To tell you the truth,
I'm not a mechanic.

The captain on the boat cooked up that story
just to get rid of me.

As usual,
I'll have to do everything myself!

- Get up on deck and stand by!
- Stand by what?

Stand up on deck!

We'll take this little matter up later!

(Blade wobbles)

What do you think is wrong with it?

It's no use guessing.
We'll just have to take it apart and find out.

In other words, use your head.

What for?

Well, you could use yours
for a bowling ball!

- You mean one of those with a hole in?
- Exactly!

Now, give me a hand.

Now let that be a lesson to you.

(Clattering)

Here.

- (Squeaking)
- (Ollie) Put that down!

(Stan) Ollie?

- What?
- The gas tank's empty!

Why didn't you tell me that before?

Give me the parts
and I'll put them back together.

Now we've got nothing left but the sail.

Now, when I give the signal, you pull.

What are you doing?
I could have broken my arm!

Who are you
and what are you doing on this boat?

You have no rights here!

I have my rights!
I am travelling as a stowaway!

They didn't tell us
a stowaway came with the boat.

- No.
- Listen, fellas...

I could have easily been a stowaway
on any other boat.

I happened to pick this one.

Then you have to find me
and spoil everything.

Well, we had to use the sail
because the engine broke!

- Well, why don't you try fixing the motor?
- We tried to, but it fell in the sea.

Fell in the sea! Holy mackerel!

Just my luck to be a stowaway
on a boat run by two land lubbers

who manage to drop the engine
in the ocean! The ocean! Argh!

You know,
I think we've offended him.

What's happened?
What goes on here?

We've got a stowaway aboard.
This is Antoine, the chef.

- Giovanni Copini.
- Glad to meet you, sir.

- And this is Stanley.
- How do you do?

How do you do?

Why don't you be careful?

Come on,
we can't waste all day just talking!

Get that rope!
Get the sail up! Go ahead!

You, the fat one,
get on the other side!

Pull!
It takes muscle to raise a sail!

The fat one, the other side!
All together now!

Hey, ho!

Hey, ho! Come on, pull on this.

Ho! Hey, ho!

Hey, ho!

- Just in time to eat lunch.
- Never mind eating!

What happened to my pants?

I put them right there to dry.
It's getting to the place that you...

Hey, the boat's moving!

You g...

- Kinda nice, eh, Stanley?
- Sure is.

Just like playing hooky from school.

We're all playing hooky more or less.

Giovanni,
what are you playing hooky from?

From a world where I'm always being told
what to do and then how to do it.

One day, a rich real-estate man in my village
hired me to build a wall.

I spent weeks trying to find bricks
the right shape and kind of colour he wanted.

I fitted them into place one by one,

as if they were jewels.

When the wall was finished, it was shining
in the sun like a real work of art,

because it was me, Giovanni,
the best mason in Italy who'd built it.

Then the man came to have a look.

And he ordered me to tear down the wall.

He'd suddenly changed his mind.
He wanted a picket fence.

- That's when I decided to play hooky.
- We don't blame you.

- And you, what are you playing hooky from?
- Taxes!

Yeah, we don't like taxes!

Hey, Antoine, what about you?
Where is your home?

My home? I don't know.

The whole world
ought to be man's country.

But for me...

Someone seems to have locked
all the doors.

I can just see our island now.

Palm trees and flowers...

The sun to warm us,
and the gentle rain.

(Blows raspberry)

(Thunderclap)

It's a storm! Don't you think
you'd better get the boat ready?

Oh, yes, it looks like a bad one.

- I never saw one like this before.
- Me neither!

- We'd better pull down the sail!
- I'll go and get the life raft!

Pull down the sail!

(Hissing)

(Crying)

(Screams)

Help!

Help!

Ah, look at that!

- An island!
- We're on an island!

Stanley, we're on it.

We're on an island!
Take a peep!

Take a peep!

- I'm too popped to peep.
- (Growls)

Oh!

Oh, look. Look!

Oh, boy!

It's an atoll!

That's what it is, an atoll!
Come on!

- Yes, yes.
- Come on, brother. Easy, easy.

Easy, easy!

It's all right! It's all right.
Let's go fishing now, eh?

- Hand me a basket.
- Right away!

Quick! A pot, some wood.
Build a fire for the bouillabaisse.

Don't forget to put some garlic in it.

Oh, without it,
it wouldn't be a real bouillabaisse.

Well, it don't look so bad.

Still in good condition.

Antoine, what time
are you serving dinner?

If you want to eat,
you'd better go build a fire.

And you, my boy, clean the fish.

You get the paper
and I'll get the wood.

- Ollie?
- Yeah?

Hold this a minute, will you?
I can't...

You know, boys? There seems to be
a lot of room for building houses here.

Yeah, it sure is naked around here.

Admiral,
what do we do on a deserted island?

Here's a man that was shipwrecked
and he did all right.

Listen.

"Robinson Crusoe
was born in the city of York.

"His father wanted him
to become a lawyer.

"But young Crusoe longed to go to sea."

(Narrator) 'Our modern Robinson Crusoes
have gotten used to their new life.

'By using the latest
scientific farming methods,

'they have tamed the wild land.

'And Mother Nature has supplied them
with plenty of fresh water.'

(♪ Whistling)

'Man has set to work.
So has nature.

'She has quickly changed a barren rock
into an enchanting paradise.

'Weeks, months, years have passed.

'Everything has now improved.

'At last our castaways have earned the right
to take a little time off from their hard work.'

Oscar. Oscar!

(Whistles)

(Narrator) 'For the animals,
as well as for the men,

'this island has become a real paradise.

'Yes, but a Garden of Eden without Eve,

'and Adam is bored.

'But... but what's this?

'Where are these skipping stones
leading us to?

'To Papeete,
the capital of Tahiti.

'And who do we find? Eve!
I beg your pardon... Chérie Lamour.

'As you can see, she's got
plenty of brains and culture.

'The most glamorous girl in Tahiti,

'and born in Paris, of course.

'Today is her big day.

'First of all, she is taking an audition
at the Cockatoo,

'the smartest night club in town.

'And also she is expected at the courthouse
for an important occasion.

'She's going to marry
Lieutenant Jack Frazer.'

What time is it?

Twelve fifteen!

(♪ Band starts to play)

♪ When you are sad and lonely

♪ And your heart will break

♪ Ask who's not so lonely

♪ You lie awake

♪ Why should you let yourself be blue

♪ When I have got a cure for you?

♪ Suppose your heart,
for lack of love, is pining

♪ Then come and get it

♪ Oh, come and get it

♪ You'll find the joy
for which your heart's inclining

♪ If you surrender yourself to me

♪ To love I dedicate myself completely

♪ So come and get it,
you won't regret it

♪ And first of all,
I'll hold my tongue discreetly

♪ When you surrender yourself to me

♪ I give you all the love you deserve

♪ If only for a day

♪ And if of our affair you should tire

♪ Don't send me on my way

♪ If love is what your lonely heart's
still missing

♪ Then come and get it

♪ And once you've met me

♪ Enjoy the rapture of my expertise

♪ And learn how tender my love can be

♪ Ah...

♪ Will you explore a month of spring

♪ Ah-ha...

♪ Put up your hand and show you will ♪

Thank you.

Can't you stay
and have a drink on that?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm late,
there'll be fireworks. Thank you. Goodbye.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Ah, Miss Lamour. This way, please.

Ah!

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so pleased.

Hardly looks like it!
You're three quarters of an hour late.

You're not going to grumble
about three little quarters of an hour?

Your Honour,
I didn't keep you waiting, I hope?

- Well, er...
- Uh-uh-uh! Chérie!

Oh, Your Honour, look at them.
Aren't they lovely?

- But you've been so extravagant, my dear.
- Don't mention it.

Miss Lamour and you, sir.
Marriage is a most important thing.

And I should like
before proceeding any further...

- I got my contract.
- What contract?

When we're married we're going
to share everything in common.

That's not what I'm talking about.
My contract with the Cockatoo!

My debut's tomorrow night,

so you'll have a chance
to come and see me before you sail.

- Miss Lamour, if you please, won't you...
- Oh, but I'm listening to you, Your Honour.

Miss Lamour, Lieutenant,
marriage is a most important thing.

Just a minute.

I'm sorry to interrupt you, Your Honour,

but I've something to straighten out
with my fiancée.

It's most unusual, but if...

Am I to understand that you intend to
continue your career after we are married?

But of course, my sweetheart.
You never suggested that I should give it up.

I never broached the subject

because I took it for granted
that after we were married

you'd devote yourself entirely to me.

Nothing would please me more
if you were here all the time.

But when you spend ten months
out of the year sailing the seas,

what do you expect me to do?
Swim behind your little barge?

Well, look, honey,

I'm not going to tolerate
that while I'm out at sea

you spend your nights playing
"Come On, Girl" in some clip joint.

Oh! "Come On, Girl"
in some clip joint!

What do you think I am?
I'm an artiste, not a bum.

You know what people call me?
The female Caruso.

That's a fact, Your Honour.
The female Caruso!

(♪ Sings)

- Calm yourself, Miss Lamour.
- I'm very calm, Your Honour!

But I'm not going to submit
to this kind of blackmail!

In that case
I'm not going to hang around here.

You think about it, but think fast.

Please, sir...

Let him go away, Your Honour.
I won't run after him! Do you hear me?

Miss Lamour...

Think about it as well, and come and give me
your answer tomorrow night at the Cockatoo.

If you're not in the audience,
I know what your answer is.

Jack! Sweetheart!

He will come, won't he?

Tell him that if he doesn't show up
tomorrow night,

he'll never see me again.

I don't know what I'll do yet,

but I'll see to it he never finds me.

OK, I'll give him the message,
but you know him better than I do.

Hm! Well, then,
he'll show up, I'm sure.

(♪ Piano plays)

♪ Can you guess
just how much I adore you

♪ How I long for your sweet embrace

♪ Can you guess
how the love that I feel for you

♪ Fills my heart with such bliss
when we meet and we kiss

♪ Can you guess how I love
to be near you

♪ How I scream at each tender caress

♪ For the song that poets sing

♪ Can't describe that precious thing

♪ And the love that I want to express

♪ Only you can guess

♪ My window looks upon the square

♪ When I'm alone I hear the feet

♪ Of people passing in the street

♪ But for tonight no sorrow to bear

♪ Come close to me and hold my hand

♪ I can't hear your heart beating near

♪ And feel the touch I love so much

♪ And our delight fills all the night

♪ Can you guess
just how much I adore you?

♪ How I long for your sweet embrace

♪ Can you guess all the love
that I feel for you

♪ Fills my heart with such bliss
when we meet and we kiss

♪ Can you guess
how I long to be near you?

♪ How I scream at each tender caress

♪ For the song that poets sing

♪ Can't describe that precious thing

♪ And the love that I want to express

♪ Only you can guess ♪

Magnificent! And to think
that pighead didn't show up!

(Cheering)

(Sobbing)

He didn't show up! He didn't show up!
He ruined everything!

- Where is he?
- He sailed this morning.

I wouldn't even listen.
He said he wouldn't give in.

I won't give in either.

Did you tell him
he might lose me forever?

I did.

Encore! Encore!

- They want an encore. Hurry up, quick!
- Yes, yes.

But Jack will be back in two weeks.
You'll see him again.

- What do I care? I won't be here.
- What?

- When is your ship sailing, Captain?
- Next Friday. Why?

- Take me as a passenger.
- But my tub's no luxury liner, understand?

It makes no difference.
All I want is to leave.

Hey! There's also my wife.

Aye-aye-aye...

- Ah! The hunting season's on?
- Get up! Out of that bed!

Your husband should've warned me
you're coming on this voyage.

I wouldn't have sailed on this slave ship.

I never believed that story
of your marriage with Frazer being off.

I had a hunch you were going
to make a play for my husband.

Get up! And start your packing!

- You're going to throw me overboard?
- No.

We're going to land you on an island.
An island unknown.

Are there people on it?

You'll find out about that
as soon as you land.

Wherever you appear,
in no time you're surrounded by men.

(Ship horn blares)

No, I tell you it isn't fair
to put this poor girl up in a deserted island.

There are houses. I saw them.

Where there are houses,
there are people.

- It suits me.
- Get moving!

But I keep telling you,
she only came aboard on account of Frazer,

just to make him jealous.

He'll blow his top if I tell him
I put you off on an island.

You don't have to tell him about it.

Or rather... tell him
I can be just as stubborn as he can.

- I'll row you over.
- No, you don't! You stay right here.

She knows how to row,
and if she can't, she'll have to swim.

- So long, sweetheart!
- No!

I'm glad you boys are here.
I want to talk to you.

Where were you fellas a while ago?

I was down at the beach
getting these fish for dinner. See?

I was working in the garden.

Did you see or hear anything?

- Just the waves.
- Why?

I'll tell you why.
Because I was down by the lagoon,

and I thought I heard the engines
of a big boat.

Then it whistled.

By the time I climbed up to see,
there was nothing there.

- That's because it had gone.
- Oh!

- What had gone?
- The boat.

(Imitates ship horn)

Do you mean to tell me that you saw a boat
and didn't let us know?

Well, I saw and I waved to it,
but it didn't wave back, so I...

Get us something to drink
before I forget myself.

Stan has certainly received
more than his share of stupidity.

Yeah, no one person could be
really such a blockhead.

Pardon me.

- What's the matter with you?
- I think I saw something.

What are you talking about?

There's a girl in the kitchen.

You are absolutely right.

- There she is!
- Hello.

Well, hello, fellas.

How did you get here?

Well, I guess you might say
I was dropped by a witch.

Like the one that rides on a broom?

(Laughs) No.

This one used a shotgun.

I'm sorry for this intrusion, but you'll
have to take me as a guest, I'm afraid.

It will be a pleasure.

I knew I should've built a guest house
a long time ago.

Oh...
There's no place for me to stay?

Oh, don't you worry
your pretty little head about that.

Giovanni and Antoine
will move in with Stanley and me.

- And you can stay right here.
- You're very kind.

Come, my little princess,
and I shall show you to your boudoir.

You know,
I think I'm going to like this place.

It's swell.
You don't have to shave or anything.

(Laughs)

I left my taxi down at the beach
with all my things.

Er, gentlemen, get the lady's luggage
and bring it to her château.

Thank you.

What's that funny thing up there?

That, my dear, is the wreckage
of the good ship Momus.

I shall never forget the day
that I found this island.

It was a terrible night,
dark as pitch.

It was so pitch, you couldn't see
your hand behind your back.

Exactly, Stanley!

Then, all of a sudden,
I spotted that harbour.

I put her bow
into the teeth of the gale,

lashed myself to the wheel
and beached her on that pinnacle.

And it's been there ever since.

Well boys, you must have had trouble
getting it up so high.

- He read it in a book.
- Er, come, my dear. Book...

One, two, three...
It's all there. Thank you.

(Honks horn)

Stanley, have you forgotten
that we have company?

Gentlemen,
make yourselves comfortable.

Gentlemen!

(Clattering)

Stanley...

- This is my side.
- Well, there's no room on my side.

Well, the fair thing to do
is to take turns.

While one sits up,
the other sleeps.

And when he wakes up,
we change.

Now, that's what I call a sport.
Thank you, Ollie.

That's a good idea.

I sleep, and then when you wake up,
I sleep again.

And haven't you forgotten something?

- Huh?
- Haven't you forgotten something?

Oh...
Good night, Ollie.

- I'm sorry, I...
- Get up and put that candle out.

- But you said that I could...
- Go ahead, selfish.

Ollie.

Ollie.

Ollie.

- Are you awake yet?
- No!

(Snoring)

Pardon me. Shh!

(Snoring continues)

(Exclaims)

(Bat squeaking)

(Screams)

(Screams)

- What is that thing? What is it?
- Look out!

(Indistinct shouting)

(Bat squeaking)

Open the window
and we'll drive him out.

♪ La-la, la-la,
la-la, la-la, la-la-la

♪ Oh, come and get it

♪ La-la, la-la-la ♪

- Ah!
- This morning I'm going to prepare

a magnificent seagull egg omelette
with fine herbs.

Omelette... Bah!

Well, today I'm gonna draw the plans
for a splendid villa with a big roman bath.

What are you going to do, Ollie?

I'm going to give you fellas
a piece of my mind.

- Chérie's a nice girl, isn't she?
- Exquisite!

- Charming!
- Pretty, too!

And we're all friends, aren't we?

- Of course.
- Naturally.

Well, I make a motion that we never
let a woman come between us.

- Agreed?
- Of course.

- I agree.
- Now, let's all get dressed.

- Say, Ollie, where's the sandpaper?
- Sandpaper?

- In that locker.
- Thank you.

(Bat squeaks, Stan screams)

(Screams)

(Harrumphs)

Pardon me.

Thank you.

Pardon me.

Thank you.

Pardon me.

Thanks a lot.

Pardon me.

Thank you.

Pardon me.

(Sandpapering)

Hey!

Look!

Hello.

What's the matter?
The cat got your tongues?

Uh-uh.

Mmh! How nice you look this morning.

Come on, come on,
I want you to sit down.

I'll have the food on the table
in two seconds.

Look! She's put on clean plates!

- Even a table cloth!
- And clean napkins!

- Yes, she even swept the floor.
- Yes.

Does this belong to anybody?

Never saw that guy before.

- Nobody I know.
- No.

It's mine. It's a friend.

It's just someone I knew once.

I have a little surprise
which I hope you're going to like.

- What, another one?
- What is it?

A bouillabaisse!

Tell me, was your boyfriend
fond of bouillabaisse?

- Oh, he loved it.
- (Sobbing)

Is this the warehouse
you've been building?

As warehouses go,
it's a funny warehouse.

(Laughs)

This is no warehouse!

It's for you.

- For me?
- Yes, for you. It sure is easy to fool you.

Did you really think
we were building a refrigerator?

We were afraid you'd find out,
so we put on all the decorations last night.

Oh!

Come on in.

(Chérie) It's just lovely.

You've all been such wonderful friends.
This is the first real home I've ever had.

I'm so happy, I...

You're not content just to be a singer.

You've also got to be the comedian.

What are you playing now?
Snow white and the seven dwarves?

That's the fella in the picture
that she carries around with her.

All right! You've tracked me down!
Now what?

You're wrong, baby.
I never tried tracking you down.

Our old friend Dolan
reported he'd seen an uncharted island.

My business here is to chart it.
My men are out there working at it now.

Look here. I suppose I oughta have
my head examined,

but I'm going to give you
one more chance.

Go and pack you're things
and be down at the beach in 15 minutes.

What for?

Well, I suppose you want to be rescued,
don't you?

Not by you!

Lieutenant! Come right away!
We've found something!

OK.
I'll be right with you.

This is your last chance.
Are you coming?

No!

We'd better keep an eye on that guy.

He looks like a man
that would steal our island.

(Crackling)

It's uranium!
The place is loaded with it.

Uranium?

Which one of you fellas
happened to land first on this island?

Let me handle this, fellas.

Why do you ask that?

Because it will determine
which nation owns the island.

We all own it.

Of course, of course...
You own the island.

You're the real proprietors, but some country
has got to claim sovereignty.

International law specifies
that an island belongs to the country

whose citizen was first to set foot on it.

- So some country can take our island?
- That's right.

And if that country has immigration laws?

- You'll have to abide by those laws.
- Even income tax laws?

Income tax laws,
inheritance taxes and sales taxes.

You know what they are trying to do?
They're trying to take our geraniums.

That's it, exactly!

Pardon us for just one moment!

Let's tell him that we all landed
on the island at the same time.

We can't tell a lie.
Antoine was the first to land.

- It was a terrible night and...
- All right, all right.

Here's how it is. I was the first man
to set foot on this island.

- OK. What's your name?
- Antoine.

- Antoine what?
- Antoine, Master of Cooking.

- Nationality?
- I haven't any!

You see, he is what is known
as a stateless man.

Or in other words, a misplaced person.

You see,
he's lost and he can't find himself.

- Listen, you've got to have a nationality.
- You're telling me!

I explained that in every port
wherever I tried to land,

but no country wanted to have me.

Every country now
will want to have you!

I'll go and radio the authorities
and dump it in somebody's lap.

So long, gentlemen.

- Bye, bye...
- So long, Lieutenant.

(Beeping, rattling)

Show in the gentlemen of the press.

Is it true a new island's been discovered?

- Can you give us the facts?
- Who does it belong to?

Not so fast, gentlemen.
Not so fast.

The island belongs to no one.
For the time being.

To no one?

Four shipwrecked men
have settled down there,

but the first man who stepped on the island
is a stateless person,

a citizen of no nationality.

Consequently, no country is in a position
to lay claim to sovereignty on the island.

Is it an important island?

Important? It is loaded with the biggest
deposits of uranium discovered to this day.

(All) Uranium?

Shh! Here's the complete file, gentlemen.
You can go through it as you please.

(Beeping)

Every hour on the hour, this station
is giving you up-to-the-minute reports...

(Announcements
in various foreign languages)

The recent discovery in the Pacific...

...on an island which will be known henceforth
as Atoll "H".

I beg your pardon, Atoll "K".

After a fortnight of conferences...

...the great powers,
in a joint statement issued today,

announced the appointment
of an international commission

to decide which nation
will be awarded sovereignty rights

over the island which has emerged
from the ocean only a short time ago

and will be known as Atoll "K".

'This statement was welcomed
with relief in the world capitals.

'Now it has become
only a question of time

'before some government
raises its flag over Atoll "K".'

Some government's flag, they say.

Do you hear that?

Well, why don't we make
a government of our own?

Chérie's right!

I'll write a constitution
like has never been written before.

Er... sharpen this!

This will have to be a short constitution.

Now...

We, the people of...

Of?

Crusoeland...

(All laughing)

...in order to save our island,

do hereby form a government.

Now, what kind of government
do we want?

Very little government
would be good, I think.

- Without too many laws.
- And no passports.

No passports.

- And no prisons.
- No prisons.

(Mumbles) No taxes.

What?

- No taxes.
- No taxes.

Say, this is getting to be
a perfect government.

And I will add
"no laws" and "no money".

And that's all we have room for.

Now, the next thing is to hold an election.
I vote for myself as President.

And Stanley seconds the motion.

But I'm the discoverer of our island!
I vote for me!

- You vote for me too, don't you?
- No, no, no, no.

Giovanni, votes only for Giovanni!

The electioneering is over!

Chérie.

Count the votes.

One vote for Giovanni.

One vote for Antoine.

One, two, three...

Three votes for Oliver Crusoe.

The President is elected
by a comfortable majority.

As President of Crusoeland,
I will now choose my cabinet.

Chérie, you are my Vice President.

Oh, thank you, Mr President.

Antoine, and you are
my foreign minister.

I am very proud.

Giovanni, you are
the minister of construction.

You couldn't have made
a better choice.

Well, that's that!

- What about me?
- Stanley, you are the people!

I don't want to be the people.

What do you mean,
you don't want to be the people?

There are more of you
than there are of us!

- You mean, there's a lot of me?
- Certainly!

Oh, well! Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't know.

Mr President,
but now we will have to have a flag.

Giovanni's right.
We can't have a government without a flag.

- Can't we use this as a flag?
- That will be perfect!

Yes, but we'll need an emblem.

Wait a second. I have an idea.

(Train whistle blows)

(♪ Humming)

It's impossible
to keep this house clean.

Look at that. Terrible.

See?
The dust did that.

(♪ Bagpipes playing)

Stan, Ollie!

- What happened?
- Looks like we're being invaded.

- What happened?
- Take a look at the beach.

(Official) Under the principle
of self-determination,

the constitution proposed by the government
has been ratified by unanimous vote.

We have no other alternative

but to recognise this new sovereign state,
the Crusoeland.

Pardon me.

Pardon me.

Oh boy, oh boy,
it's great, my bouillabaisse.

- Waiter, waiter!
- Antoine, more bouillabaisse.

- Poor Antoine.
- "Poor Antoine" is right.

- How much do I owe you, buddy?
- Nothing.

- Nothing at all?
- Oh, absolutely nothing.

This is a free country.

Oh, boy, if I'd known that,
I'd have taken a bottle.

Here, take one.

- Er, give him another one, Stanley.
- Why, certainly.

Oh, gee, thanks, mister.
Thanks a million, mister.

Give me that.

(People screaming)

What's the idea
of giving that stuff away?

I brought this liquor out here so I could sell it.
I want cash.

But money is against the rules
of our constitution.

- Yeah, and we have no taxes either.
- Oh, yeah?

Taxes I don't care about.

You gotta make money for me, or else!

Out of my way, fatty!

Give me a bottle of cognac.

Which one?

(People screaming)

That one.

- I'm sorry, but you'll have to pay for that.
- Who said so?

He did.

(People screaming)

What are you having?

- You!
- Let me go. You can't do that.

(Laughs)
They say it's a free country here.

As President of this island
I demand that you desist.

Ow!

(Laughs)

Ow!

Do that again!

You keep out of this, nitwit!

I'll have you thrown off
of this island for that!

Yeah,
we'll have you imported!

If I were you, my fine friends,
I wouldn't be too sure.

See you later.

Gentlemen.

I'll have him thrown off of this island
if it's the last thing I do.

That's not possible.

- Why not?
- Because we have no such laws.

Yes, that would be pretty difficult.
We'd be forced to change the constitution.

If you want my advice, Mr President,
call a meeting of the cabinet.

That's a good idea.
Come on.

We'll attend to that right now!

Enjoy yourself, folks.
We'll be right back.

(♪ Accordion plays)

This island is a paradise
governed by idiots.

A man like me
could put himself in power

and lay his hands on a chunk of money,
just think of it!

Do you want to come in on it with me?

Sounds all right,
but what are the people going to say?

They are happy with things
the way they are.

The people! Bah!

We'll just tell them they're not happy.

They're always ready to believe that.

We'll have to organise
a few demonstrations,

just to show them how dangerous it is
to live without laws.

I'm afraid you're late.

The President
has just put up a proclamation

declaring that from now on,
law and order will be the rule.

It sure is quiet out there.

That's because I showed a firm hand
with our proclamation.

(Clamouring)

Come on! Read that!

Now I'll make a tour round the island
and test the public's reaction.

You don't have to.
They're coming to visit you.

They're coming to apologise.

(Laughs) I knew that would bring them
to their senses.

- Who wrote that?
- He did!

Ow!

- I now put you under arrest!
- But he's the President.

He certainly is.

Why don't you hang him?

You have just given me
an excellent idea.

As defender of law and order,

I can guarantee you will have
a fair and honest trial.

You will confess everything and then
you will be hanged like gentlemen, at sunrise.

Thank you very much.

Er...

What'd he say?

Why don't you keep
your big mouth shut?

Are you going to hang her, too?

Of course not.

She is much too beautiful.

If you will consent, my dear,

I will you take you
under my personal protection.

What can I say, but "thank you"?

I can't believe my ears.

Well, if you can't believe those ears,
you can't believe anything.

Put some guards around the house.

I'll immediately go and start
a crew building a gallows.

Oh, by the way... Now that I'm going
to be President, I'll need that outfit.

- Will you accompany me, my dear?
- But of course.

- I still can't believe my...
- Oh, shut up!

Mmh!

See if the guards are still out there.

(Gunshots)

He missed me!

(Radio) 'Attention! Attention!

'Commander in chief,
geographic station Tahiti.

'calling Lieutenant Frazer.
SS Aria.

'Report your position.
8:30am, wavelength 15 metres. Over.'

It was lucky I was hired
to come here as a radio operator.

Without Alecto I'd be sunk.

Which reminds me,
he was just looking for you, Alecto.

Huh?

- Where is he?
- Er, over there.

Hello. Lieutenant Frazer.
Lieutenant Frazer!

Lieutenant, it's for you.

Sounds like a dame.

Lieutenant Frazer.
Lieutenant Frazer!

Hello, Snow White.
Don't tell me the dwarves are annoying you.

Hello, Jack.
Oh, listen to me.

You've got to come right away.
They've started a revolution.

They've built the gallows.
They're going to hang everyone.

I need you! Do you hear me?

Change your course,
20 points to starboard.

(Bell rings)

Of course I can hear you,
but you don't really need me.

But Jack, don't kid me.
There isn't a minute to lose.

- If you love me...
- (Ringleader) You two!

Round up everybody and tell them
the traitors to the government of Crusoeland

will be hanged within the hour.

And now let's get the principal actors
a little opera.

One, two, three, four...

Let's go!

(Sneezing)

(Thud)

- Get away! Quick!
- Is this another one of your tricks?

- What do you mean, tricks?
- Tricks! Sure, she's full of them.

- We go outside and the guards shoot us.
- You're wrong!

I just got rid of the guards outside.

I put a stone in my purse.

Oh!

I went with Alecto only because one of us
had to remain free to save the others.

- What are we waiting for?
- Come on!

- No. I'm staying here.
- But we can't leave you here!

I've got to stay here
and send them in the other direction.

- Thank you very much, Miss.
- Oh, no, hurry up! Hurry up!

(Clamouring)

- How did it happen?
- I haven't got time to explain!

You've got to run
and try and catch those brutes.

But did you notice
which way they went?

That way!

Follow me!

Come on!

(Shouting)

Follow me!

Hurry up!
They went this way!

- Hey, look at that!
- Oh!

I think we're safe here.

Don't you?

He must have fainted.

What happened?

Chérie!

Oh!

It's Chérie!

Stan, answer me.
Forgive me.

I didn't know it was you.
Please, look at me.

- How did you manage to catch them?
- But I... I...

The girl is absolutely wonderful.
She has a stone in her bag! (Laughs)

Quick!
Get them out!

We're going to give the signal
for the show to begin.

As a token of thanks for your help,

without which
I could never have succeeded,

I am giving you the honour
of pulling the lever

that will drop these traitors into eternity.

Alecto! Alecto!
This girl is in cahoots with the traitors!

Look where he's standing.

- What are you talking about?
- She overpowered us and let them escape!

Argh! Argh!

(Screaming)

I don't get it.
I've just been checking.

We're exactly on the position
where the island stood.

(Narrator) 'This is what you'd call
a lucky break.'

- Oh, no!
- What do you mean, "no"?

- I don't want to be rescued by him!
- Why not?

He was too long getting here!

(Narrator) 'This world of ours
is definitely no fair place,

'but people go on living just the same.

'Chérie Lamour is finally
marrying her Lieutenant,

'and they look forward to many years
of happily married life.'

Do you take for your wedded wife
Miss Chérie Lamour?

- OK, OK!
- Right, right.

- I now pronounce you man and wife.
- It was you who jilted me!

- I jilted you, you say?
- Yes!

(Narrator) 'Giovanni has gone back
to his native Italy.

'Instead of building marble palaces,
he'll go on forever building fences.

'Antoine has been brought back
to the boat from which he ran away.

'Still anxious to give up
this life of wandering,

'he tries once more
his usual means of escape.

'But this time he's gotten
into the wrong sort of cage.'

(Roaring)

'As for our two heroes,

'after all their mishaps,
they've finally gotten their inheritance -

'their own South Sea island.

'And there, far away
from all the cares of the world,

'they settle down
to a well-earned rest.'

Gee, that was sure was nice
of Frazer and Chérie

to land us here on our own real island.

Give us all this food and everything.

- Just like a fresh start in life.
- It certainly is.

And they're going to bring us
new supplies every six months.

At last, all of our troubles are over.

Yes, sir. Nothing to do from now on
but eat and sleep.

And nobody to tell us what to do.

- What are you doing here?
- What are we doing here?

This is our island!

There must be some mistake.

This island has been taken over
by the government

for insufficient payment
of inheritance taxes.

Moreover,
you've also been fined for the delay.

It's my duty to seize
your supplies and food.

Take it away!

Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into!

(Crying) Well, I couldn't help it.
You're always blaming me for everything.

I didn't know...
(Continues indistinctly)

(Sobbing)