Original subtitles

I'm determined to find someone who wants to be with me

for who I am, not what I have.

My point is, you can be whoever you wanna be.

- I can help you out with that. - I appreciate it...Kate.

Sam Wilson.

Maybe you could crash here.

- Have you thought this through? - I gotta see where this goes.

I think it is great that you're working on your computer stuff

but...we need help now.

Say no more.

I'll start looking for a job.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey!

Oh, look who finally decided to show up.

Uh, yeah, I got stuck in traffic.

Traffic, pfft.

You were with her, weren't you?

Really, Alan?

I don't mean to sound like a broken record

but you're never home anymore.

I was just there the other night.

And all you did was watch the game and fall asleep.

Remember how we used to stay up all night and just talk?

Okay, you know, fine, we can talk now.

- What's on your mind? - Nothing. I'm fine.

[sighs] I'm not a mind reader, Alan.

Well, not that you care, but..

...I'm rattling around in that big house

all by myself.

I miss you. There, I said it.

I miss you too.

You got a funny way of showing it.

You do understand I have a girlfriend, right?

So do I. Another peach mojito, please.

What are you drinking? It's on me.

By "On me," I mean the money you left me to pay the bills

which, incidentally, I used for other stuff

so I'll need money to pay the bills.

I'll have a ginger ale, please.

Ginger ale?

Yeah, my stomach's been bothering me.

I haven't really been feeling myself lately.

Which self would that be? Walden Schmidt or Sam Wilson?

Well, Sam Wilson has a lot of stress.

Thank you.

Money's tight.

You'd be surprised what that does to a guy.

Please, I've been so desperate for money

I've climbed into fountains at night

and stolen the wishes of children.

So you get it.

What I don't get is why you don't resolve the stress

and just tell Kate the truth?

[scoffs] That's not gonna happen.

- Why not? - I don't know.

Everything's going so great, I don't wanna screw it up.

Oh, that's not good.

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha-ah ah ♪

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

I don't know whether this is beef or chicken

but it's definitely worth 79 cents.

What's the matter?

My life has been a complete waste of time.

Otherwise, I'm terrific.

Whoa, whoa, wait. Is this..

Is this one of the dresses you made?

- Mm-hmm. - Why're you throwing it away?

Because, apparently... my stuff's not good enough

to get a job that pays nothing.

- You didn't get the internship? - No.

Rejected by the guy who assists the guy who assists the guy

who designs Snooki's

signature line of baby thongs!

Okay, don't worry, you're gonna get the next one.

There is no next one.

I mean, obviously

I don't have what it takes to be a fashion designer.

I just have to bite the bullet

and admit it is not happening.

But you're not at that point.

Three words!

Snooki's..

...baby..

...thongs!

I think your designs are great.

You have to say that, I have sex with you.

True. But if I was a woman

I would totally wear this dress.

Hell, three shots of tequila and I would wear this dress.

And I would work it!

Okay, don't make me laugh when I'm trying to cry.

Too late, because I am fierce.

[laughing] I love you, Sam.

You have to say that.

I have sex with you.

Okay...the real test

is will you have sex with me wearing that dress?

You get the tequila, I'll go put on some heels.

♪ Men ♪♪

Lightly salted, just the way you like.

[chuckles] Mm, thanks.

- Who could've seen this coming? - Right.

We end up with the house.

[chuckles] Unbelievable.

You know how I used to say

you'd have to pay me to hang with you?

- Yeah. - Here we are.

- Hey, guys! - Mm.

- Mm! - Oh, look who it is.

- Sam Wilson. - Hey, Alan!

Can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, sure.

- The principal wants to see me. - Mm.

Oh, uh, Berta, I brought some laundry by.

Uh, do you mind?

It's your machine. Knock yourself out.

So, what's up?

I'm transferring $100,000 into your bank account.

[gasps] A hundred thousand..

Catch me, Lord.

I-I think I need to sit down.

- Yeah, yeah. - I..

I-I could swear that I heard you say

you were gonna put $100,000 into my account.

- I am. - There it goes again.

It's-it's like the teacups at Disneyland.

How can I ever thank you?

The money is for Kate.

Next time, lead with that.

I want to invest in her fashion designs.

- What? - She'sreally talented.

But nobody will give her a shot.

Are you sure she's talented?

It isn't just boom-shaka-laka-laka

boom-shaka-laka-laka?

I'm about to give you a boom-shaka-laka!

No, $100,000 will help her start her company.

- Give it to her. - I can't.

I'm Sam Wilson. I'm broke.

But you can, because you're Alan Harper, billionaire.

Oh..

Fashion's kind of risky.

And Alan Harper did not become a billionaire

by taking unnecessary risks.

You are taking an unnecessary risk right now!

No, I-I'm just saying that I'd rather put my money into gold

or maybe start a vineyard. "Alancrest."

Fine, when you make $100,000..

I don't even have to finish that.

I-I want my money invested in Kate.

Okay, no problem.

But I'll have to see some of her sketches first.

- Alan. - What?

You want this to be believable, don't you?

Fine. Have us over tomorrow night.

- Ooh, kind of short notice! - Alan!

Can't we do this at your house?

This is my house!

Awfully rude for a guy who wants my money.

♪ Men ♪♪

It's like you've never washed a dish in your life.

What are you talking about?

There's still SpaghettiOs on this plate.

You're the one that wanted to be all fancy

and said we couldn't eat them straight out of the can.

Ugh.

Oh, speaking of fancy.

- I saw Alan today. - Ew.

It was actually a really interesting conversation.

He's looking for some new investments.

He should go and buy himself a better personality.

Nobody's that rich.

Uh, but I did tell him that you're trying to start

your own fashion company.

- Oh, Sam, you didn't. - Oh, but I did.

He can help you.

I don't want his help.

Unless I'm gonna start a line called "House of Douche."

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm sure that name's already taken.

Hey, he could be the answer to all your problems.

Oh, I don't know.

Before you say no..

...he invited us over tomorrow night

so you can show him your designs.

You really think he'd invest in me?

- He'd be an idiot not to. - But he is an idiot.

True.

- Give it a chance? - Alright.

- I'll do it. - Great.

Oh, did I mention that if you take his money

you have to sleep with him?

[gagging]

I'm kidding. I'll totally do him.

[gagging]

♪ Men ♪♪

[doorbell ringing]

Ah! Sam, Kate.

Welcome to "Alancrest."

W-Why are you wearing pajamas?

I'm rich. I can.

You have a beautiful home.

It'll work until my castle's finished.

Entrez-vous.

Uh, that's French for "Enter, you."

Oh, look, my panoramic ocean view.

You can follow my seagulls on Twitter.

Hashtag, "Gulls gone wild."

Oh, ah, delightful!

Thank you, Berta. That will be all.

Damn right it will!

[laughing] She's been with the family for years.

They say you're not really rich

until you have servants who hate you.

Uh, Alan, Kate brought her portfolio to show you--

Oh, yes! Kate, please take a seat.

- Take my breath away! - Oh, I'd love to.

I made some new sketches just for you.

Yeah, she's been working really hard on them.

I think you're really gonna like what you see.

[laughing] No offense, Sam, but look at the way you dress.

Alright.

Oh, it's-it's nice.

No, I-I like what you did here.

Thank you.

Uh, cap sleeves are-are last season

but-but you know, okay.

Oh, I'm kind of done with rompers

but I understand what you're going for.

Oh, oh, velvet.

Kind of whore-ish.

- Excuse me? - Okay.

You know what, Kate, why don't you run out to the car

and grab some of your samples.

I think Alan would love to see them.

Yeah, sure.

Just hope they're not too whore-ish.

Yeah, let's leave that to Lady Gaga.

Ow!

What the hell is the matter with you?

Me? She's the one who paired an empire waist

with a Peter Pan collar!

You're supposed to be a simple rich guy

not a gay Bruce Wayne.

Hey, you have your character, I have mine.

Well, your character is a festering heap of human waste!

I think we both know if I had money

I'd be the biggest festering heap of human waste

that ever lived!

All you have to do is tell her that you wanna invest

and give her my $100,000.

Well, fine, but velvet is whore-ish.

Okay, here we are. Uh, let's see..

This is a cute, little shift that goes from day to night.

- I love them all! - What?

You-you haven't even seen them.

I've seen all I need to see, Kate.

I want to invest in your line of clothing.

- Really? - Yes!

Now tell me, what's our business plan?

It depends, if I had enough money

I'd put a show together for Fashion Week in New York.

- That way I'd be able to-- - Sounds great.

Pack your bags for New York

because I'm gonna write you a check for $50,000.

- What? - What?

- Sam, did you hear that? - Yeah, I did.

- What's this $50,000? - I-I know it's a lot.

But I-I believe in her, and I want to take a chance.

If you really believe in her, maybe you'd..

Maybe you'd like to invest more.

- Sam! - No, no, no. He's right.

I'm gonna hate myself for this.

But what the heck.

$60,000.

[laughing]

♪ Men ♪♪

I can't believe Alan gave me a $100,000.

I can't believe it took him two hours to do it.

Thank you.

What are you thanking me for?

Because I know none of this would've happened without you.

I just introduced you.

Your whore-ish velvet did the rest.

[laughing]

You are the sweetest..

...most generous..

...open, giving..

caring, genuine person I've ever met, Sam Wilson.

[chuckles] That's me.

Good old, Sam Wilson.

This whole thing is incredible.

- I'm so excited. - Yeah, me too.

- Are you sure? - What do you mean?

Well, it just seems like, um

Little Sam doesn't have his head in the game.

Um, yeah.

Maybe I just need a minute.

Okay.

Do you think I'm fat?

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

- Alan, wake up. - Mm, what, what?

Walden! What-what am I doing in your bed? I..

I-I must have been sleepwalking, I..

Alright, just relax, Alan, I just want to talk.

What's going on? It's 3:00 in the morning.

I-I haven't been able to sleep.

In-In fact, my whole life is falling apart.

I'm like, I'm losing my hair, I'm gaining weight

I'm all itchy and twitchy, I..

I-I haven't had a solid stool in a week.

So far, you're describing my typical Tuesday.

The-The worst part is..

...I can't get an erection.

[sighs] Alright, just let me brush my teeth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh..

- What? - What?

Oh, uh, yeah, you know, I'm kind of I'm kind of half-asleep.

Yeah, wow. Wow, that's a.. That is a problem.

Yeah, yeah.

Has this ever happened to you before?

Oh, me? No, no. I, uh, I have amazing control.

Wait-wait, watch-watch this.

Got an erection.

Now it's gone.

Back.

Gone.

- Are you done? - Back.

Gone.

Look, every guy has this happen at some point.

It's never happened to me before and it's driving me crazy.

It's possible that the problem is not in your pants.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

The problem is definitely in my pants.

No, look at you, the stress of living a lie

is causing you to just fall apart.

- You're binge eating. - No, I am not binge eating.

You get a free candy bar when you buy four corn dogs.

That's just smart shopping.

This all started when you became Sam Wilson

and I submit to you that he's the one

who can't pop his weasel, not Walden Schmidt.

Why don't you just tell Kate the truth?

I'm afraid if I'm honest with her now

she'll just leave me.

Okay, if you want your boner back

you're gonna have to, tell her the truth

and trust that the strength of your love

will carry you through..

Or?

Or you're gonna need a little help.

Alright, go brush your teeth.

I'm kidding!

[laughing] Yeah, yeah.

'Cause-'cause that'd be weird.

[laughing]

Look, what I meant was that I happen to know

a 65-year-old man who'll give you a stiffy in no time.

Okay, that also sounded weird.

And it's back!

♪ Men ♪♪

Alright, Walden, how hard do you want it?

Redwood tree, tungsten steel or Chinese algebra?

I'm not looking to frighten anybody.

Really? I like eyes to widen when I unsheathe the sword.

Well, tell you what.

I'll put together a little grab bag for you.

I got one of those. I call it "Boner roulette."

You never know what you're gonna get

but you're a wiener every time.

[laughing]

I'm gonna start you off

with a couple of pink ones here.

These are good for a mid-week quickie.

And these green ones I recommend for solo work.

Oh! This one I call "Ouch."

That's her, not you.

Oh, oh, the purple ones.

I couldn't remember where I lived.

Knocked on every door in the neighborhood

and not with my hand.

And, Walden, this last one I'm throwing in here, um

just take half of it, because, technically

it's "Only for horses."

Don't-don't I need a prescription for these?

What are you, a cop?

Don't worry, Russell, he's cool.

Okay, well, there you go.

And since you're a friend of a friend

I should read you the possible side effects.

"Headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, facial flushing

"inflamed bursa sac, vertigo, fits of rage

"homicidal, patricidal, matricidal

"and suicidal thoughts, stroke, anal leakage

"explosive diarrhea, nipple discoloration, death

and difficulty achieving an erection."

Huh, that explains my yellow nipples.

You know what? I..

Maybe I'll just go with the basic little blue pill.

Well, suit yourself, Sally.

Here you go. Don't want these to go to waste.

That little waitress down at Ruby Tuesday's is never

gonna know what hit her.

♪ Men ♪♪

Sam?

- What's going on? - Guess who's back.

Well, hello! I haven't seen you in a while.

Hey, Kate, I've missed you.

Okay, that's creepy. I'm gonna stop doing that.

Good, because I can't stay and I wouldn't want you

to think it's because I wasn't enchanted

by your talking penis.

Where you going?

I actually just came back to grab some designs.

Plus, I've got a million things to do before I leave tomorrow.

But I promise when I get back I'll make it up to you.

And you!

We'll be here.

[door closing]

Hold me.

Shut up.

Come on, we both know how this ends.

♪ Men ♪♪

Are you sure you don't want a ride to the airport?

- No, Alan's sending a limo. - He's a class act.

Yeah, I just, I just feel like I should come with you.

Sam, I would love for you to come

but I just wouldn't feel right spending Alan's money

to fly my boyfriend across the country.

And it's not like you or I have the money.

What if I told you I had plenty of money?

I would ask you why you didn't help me instead of Alan.

That would be a fair question.

Honey, you are so sweet.

And hopefully one day

money won't be an issue for us.

I hope you're right.

[cellphone beeping]

Oh! That's the car. I got to go.

Um, good luck.

I'll miss you.

I love you, Sam.

My name is Walden Schmidt.

I'm a billionaire.

I love you too.

I don't care what your name is.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

[knock on door]

Hello?

- Walden? - 'Alan?'

[Walden] 'What do you want?'

I'm just checking up on you, buddy.

[Walden] 'I'm fine! Go away!'

Uh, are you sure? I haven't seen you in a while.

[Walden] 'I'm fine!'

- Why is it so dark in here? - 'Alan, no!'

Holy...fat!

Don't judge me.

You didn't, by chance, bring any nacho cheese, did you?

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha-ah ah ♪

♪ Men ♪♪