Original subtitles

♪ Men ♪♪

Oh, incoming, 3 o'clock.

Wow.

If I were available, I'd be all over that.

So being unavailable is the only thing that's stopping you?

Well, that and her obvious, but unvoiced contempt for me.

- Why don't you make a move? - Aw, what's the point?

Let's say I start talking to her, and we hit it off.

And by "hit it off," you mean

hit it off.

More unvoiced contempt. Hmm.

I can voice it if you'd like.

No thanks.

What do you think is gonna happen as soon as she finds out

how much money I have in the bank?

She's gonna want you to make a deposit.

And there's the problem.

I-I see no problem.

Okay. It's not me that she'd be interested in.

It's what I can do for her. It's the lifestyle.

So what? You still got laid.

[chuckles] Trust me, it gets old.

It's like having a magic golf club

every time you take a shot, the ball just goes in the hole.

Oh, yeah! Ker-plunk!

Okay, apparently, you need a demonstration.

And no more alcohol.

Hi.

I'm Walden Schmidt.

Hello.

That's Schmidt, S-C-H-M-I-D-T.

Uh, okay. It's nice to meet you, Walden.

I'm Susan. S-U-S-A-N.

Can I buy you a drink, Susan?

No, thanks. I'm waiting for some friends.

- No problem. - Excuse me.

Hmm. There goes your theory. You struck out!

Au contraire, mon frere.

Right now, she's heading into the bathroom.

What do you think she's doing in there?

Uh, I'm guessing tinkle. Girls poop at home.

No. She's wondering, "Why did he spell his last name?

Maybe I should know who he is."

So, now, she's taking out her phone and Googling me.

Oh, I tried that once, and I dropped my phone in the toilet.

Fortunately, it was right after a courtesy flush.

The first hit on my name is the "Forbes" 500 website

at which point in time she finds out

exactly how much money I make

she forgets to go to the bathroom

along with everything she learned in Sunday school

slaps on some lipstick and comes back into the bar.

Wow.

She probably unbuttons one button on her blouse..

..and..

You know what?

I changed my mind about that drink.

I still don't see the problem.

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Huh-huh ♪

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Can't believe you're coming home with me instead of that girl.

Not that I'm not flattered.

And not that I'm not willing to do things.

Just because a woman wants to have sex with me

doesn't mean I want to have sex with her.

Okay, I hear the words coming out of your mouth

I just don't understand them.

It's-it's like watching HBO in Spanish.

Well, look, call me crazy, but I am determined to find

someone who wants to be with me for who I am, not what I have.

Hola, bienvenidos a HBO en Espanol.

Come on. I-I bet you have no doubt

as to whether or not Lyndsey loves you.

- I would guess that's true. - You don't have to guess.

You have no money, no house, no future, no--

Okay, okay! Talking past the sale.

But if you think my life is so great, be my guest.

- Take it. - What?

Pretend to be me. I can't tell you how many times

I've pretended to be you.

And-and not just you. Uh, I've also pretended to be

a, uh, a thoracic surgeon

uh, a movie producer, a stockbroker

uh, and on one occasion, a hand model.

- A hand model? - Blind girl.

Long story, didn't end well.

My point is, you can be whoever you want to be.

[scoffs] Never thought about it like that.

Of course not.

Why would Superman want to be Clark Kent?

Okay. Know what? I'm gonna do this.

First thing I need to do is create an online presence

for my fictional self.

Mm. That's good. I usually just throw ketchup

on some scrubs and say I came from surgery.

Okay. Let's start by creating a Facebook page.

Uh, alright, if I was a struggling, broke-ass guy

what would my name be?

Oh, and keep in mind, Alan Harper's already taken.

Ooh! Uh, h-how about Derek Slade?

Uh, that's a little gay.

Um...Preston Burbank?

That's just gay from a different decade.

Um...Joey Proccosini.

Sounds like the guy that made Preston Burbank

his prison bitch.

Oh, uh-uh, how about, uh, how about your porn name?

My porn name?

You know, when you want to know

what your name would be as a porn star

you use the name of your first pet

and the street you grew up on.

Unfortunately, I would be Rusty Knob.

Mine would be Snowball Honeysuckle.

That would be a great porn name

if Disney Channel started making adult movies.

No. It needs to be simple, like something easy to believe.

- John Doe. - No, it's too simple.

- Bob Doe. - No.

It's got to be, like, right down the middle.

- You know, like...Sam. - Doe.

Wilson. Sam Wilson.

Really? There's got to be, like, a million Sam Wilsons.

No, exactly.I-I can get lost in a crowd.

You know, if somebody Googles me

they'll get a butt load of responses.

Same thing happens if you Google "Rusty Knob."

Just FYI, do not hit "Images."

You won't sleep for a week.

Okay, Sam Wilson, let's create your life.

Male.

Straight.

Single.

One eighth Apache Indian.

Mix it up a little.

♪ Men ♪♪

How have I never heard of this place?

I mean, where else can you buy pants, shoes, lettuce

and a garden weasel under one roof?

It gets better. On your way out, you can get a flu shot

and a set of tires at the same price.

This is.. Alright

what would a down-on-his-luck Sam Wilson wear?

Oh! Maybe something fringed to reflect his Indian heritage.

He's not joining the village people.

Wait, check this out!

A dozen socks for $2.49.

That's 20 cents a pair. That's ten cents a sock!

- I'm so getting these. - But you-you don't wear socks.

Well, at these prices I can't afford not to.

Alright, looks like you're getting the hang of this place.

So, if you'll excuse me

I have a dentist appointment on aisle three.

Oh! Don't forget to floss on aisle two.

A leather jacket for $49.99?

Come to papa.

Whoa! Sorry.

Yeah, hang on. Let me just..

The jacket's on a leash.

I'll just unlock the security cable here.

Okay, that's better.

That looks really good on you.

I bet you've said that before.

About 80 times a day, but...this is the first time I've meant it.

Yeah, it's nice, but I..

I probably shouldn't. I mean, for the price of this jacket

I can buy 240 pairs of socks.

And your Christmas shopping is done.

Act surprised when you open them.

Yeah, I, actually, I need to buy a little bit of everything.

Okay, I can help you out with that.

I appreciate it...Kate.

Not a problem..

Sam...Sam Wilson.

Alright, Sam Wilson.

Um, how about we start with some..

...corduroy pants?

Eh, I'm not a big fan of corduroy.

They're on sale, two for $19.99.

People change.

♪ Men ♪♪

[Jake] 'Anyway, after it got ripped off on the barbed wire'

we started calling him "One Nut Johnson."

Uh...that's terrible.

Well, it could have been worse.

An inch to the right and he would have been

"No Johnson Johnson."

Um, uh, you know what? Why-why don't we change the subject?

So, um, how-how are things with your girlfriend?

Pretty good. We're finally gonna

get some time alone this weekend.

Her kids are gonna stay with their dads.

"Dads"? Plural?

Yeah, well, before me, she picked some real losers.

Sure, sure. Um, so..

...so what's it like, dating someone with kids?

It's tough. They're pretty protective.

I mean, I'm the guy dating their mom.

Makes sense.

But her oldest son's pretty cool. He buys me beer.

how-how old is this woman?

Back off, dad. She's taken.

No, no, I wasn't.. I'm..

You know what? I'll-I'll talk to you later.

- Okay. Bye, dad. - Bye.

Yeah...she picked a real winner this time.

[Walden] 'Check it out.'

Whoa! You look like me when I Photoshop my head on your body.

I've never done that.

Head to toe, including undergarments, $32.

[whistling]

Plus the haircut, $232.

- Nice. - Oh!

Check this out.

[velcro rips]

- Velcro. Very classy. - It's got a change pouch.

Ooh, you got the deluxe model.

I still can't believe we both went to the superstore

you got a hot date and I got a root canal on the wrong tooth.

I didn't get a date. Sam Wilson got a date.

You know what?

- Switch watches with me. - Why?

'Cause Sam Wilson doesn't have a $50,000 watch.

Ah, of course. Here you go.

Casio?

I had this watch in seventh grade!

So did I.

Okay. Oh, you know what? We should also switch cars.

Yes! Yes. Oh, and you know what else we should do?

Uh, you should deposit all your money in my bank account.

Just trying to help you out, buddy.

- Thank you. - Oh, where you taking her?

This, uh, Italian place in Santa Monica. DiFilipo's.

Oh, you are in luck. I have a coupon.

[velcro rips]

Buy one entree, get one free.

Sweet. Thanks.

And remember, uh, poor guys don't valet park

unless they're wearing a red vest.

Got it.

Wow. $50,000.

What is wrong with me that I want to masturbate with this on?

Nothing.

♪ Men ♪♪

For a man on a budget, this is a little pricey.

Oh, don't worry. I have a coupon.

[velcro rips]

Sexy.

So, Sam, tell me about yourself.

There's not much to tell.

Uh, I was born in Iowa.

At age seven, I was taken away from my parents

and trained to be a government assassin.

- Intriguing. - Oh, it gets better.

It wasn't our government.

And I only found out later, they weren't my parents.

[laughs]

Which made killing them that much easier.

Tell me about you.

Well, I had a fairly typical childhood

in Riverside, California

until my parents were killed by an assassin.

I've spent the rest of my life tracking him down

and here we are.

- Gulp. - Bang.

[laughs]

Well, the Riverside part's true

and then I spent two years in New York studying fashion.

Then I came out here to design clothes for the movies.

And how did that go?

I designed this dress and wore it to the movies.

- So the dream is still alive. - Indeed it is.

I got to tell you, it's refreshing

talking to someone like you for a change.

Someone like me?

Yeah, someone who doesn't take himself too seriously

and who's not constantly trying to impress me

with how much stuff he's got.

What, so, wait, my coupon didn't impress you?

[laughs]

Well, I don't have much stuff.

What you see is what you get.

And so far I like what I see.

I like what I see.

Such a shame I'm gonna have to kill you.

Too late. I already poisoned your wine.

[laughs]

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

- Okay, you see the Big Dipper? - Yeah.

Alright, you see the last star on the handle?

Follow that five stars to the right.

- Okay. - Up three.

- Got it. - Two to the left and down one.

- Uh-huh. - That's my star.

I got it for Christmas when I was 12 years old.

- That's sweet. - Yeah, sure, now.

When I was 12, I wanted a dirt bike.

Can't pop a wheelie on a star.

[laughs]

I'm kind of glad your car broke down.

Me, too.

You want to make a wish on my star?

I already did.

[car horn blaring]

For crying out loud, Sam

when you going to buy a decent car?

♪ Men ♪♪

Kate, this is my friend Alan.

Thanks so much for picking us up.

Yeah, this clown rents a room from me

suddenly I'm running a taxi service.

Yeah, I'm sorry. My car is a piece of crap.

Of course, I don't do myself any favors

by never changing the oil, ever.

Well, I like your car.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Uh, so Sam tells me you have a beach house.

I do. I do. It's gorgeous.

Uh, it very expensive

but I bought it at the bottom of the market

and then I sold it and bought it again at the top of the market

simply because I can.

Well, I'm sure at some point you'll sell it again

and we'll go our separate ways.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm gonna die in that house.

Oh, and, uh, that reminds me, uh, your rent is late again.

Right, I'll have it for you tomorrow.

- Today would be better. - Fine, today.

He's a good kid.

Give you the shirt off his back.

It's a crappy shirt, but he'll give it to you.

Oh, oh, would you look at the time?

It is almost 10 o'clock.

I-I can tell 'cause the, uh

the big hand is near the big diamond.

- Check it out. - Yeah, it's nice.

Damn right.

So, Kate, Sam tells me you're poor like him.

♪ Men ♪♪

I had a really nice time tonight.

Me, too, but what's with this guy Alan?

Oh, I'm sorry.

He recently came into a lot of money

and he's not really handling it well.

Not handling it well? He's a big, fizzy douche.

I mean, the way he was showing off his car.

Geez, how small is his penis?

Those two things aren't always related.

Okay, I-I don't know, that watch

is definitely overcompensating for something.

Some people just like nice stuff

even people with really big penises.

Well, everyone likes nice stuff

but he didn't have to be such a jackass about it.

I know, but, I mean, he's helping me out

letting me live with him.

I get it. It still doesn't give him the right to treat you

the way he does.

- You should say something. - Oh, I intend to.

You know, before he arrived, I was about to do something.

So was I.

[horn blaring]

[Alan] 'Come on, Sam!'

'Time is money, and you're out of both.'

You're right. He's a big, fizzy douche.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey, looking good.

Where you going?

Oh, I'm packing a picnic for me and Kate.

We're going to a free concert in the park.

It's a Van Halen tribute band.

Well, actually, it's not a band.

It's just a guy named Dan Halen.

Unbelievable. You're having fun living my life.

I've never had that experience.

Well, it's all because of Kate.

And the best part is, she likes me for me.

Uh, technically, she likes you for me.

Which is ironic 'cause she doesn't like you at all.

- So, uh, what's the plan here? - What do you mean?

Well, I mean, this girl's been dating

Sam Wilson for a couple of weeks.

When are you going to introduce her to Walden Schmidt?

I don't know. Haven't really thought that far ahead.

Actually, I'm kind of afraid to think that far ahead.

How long do you think you can keep up this

"Prince and the Pauper" charade?

How long do you think you can keep living here for free?

Godspeed, Sam Wilson.

♪ Men ♪♪

[both exhales]

Well, that was fun on a budget.

Yeah, we certainly got more bang for our buck, didn't we?

[mobile beeps]

- Oh. I'm sorry. I just.. - Oh.

- Ah, great. - Everything okay?

Yeah. Alan wants me to pick up some hemorrhoid cream

on the way home.

Well, he is a pain in the ass.

He's not that bad.

Oh, yeah? Then why don't we ever spend the night

at his Malibu beach house?

He doesn't like it when I have guests.

Douche.

You should move out.

Can't afford to.

Well, um, maybe you could crash here.

What...what are you saying, like...move in?

Yeah, just until you have enough money to afford your own place.

That might be a while.

I knew I shouldn't have bought that Dan Halen T-shirt.

[laughs]

So, what, we'd be, like, roommates?

With benefits.

Oh. I like the sound of benefits.

Good, 'cause they include washing the dishes

and taking out the trash.

Okay, clearly we differ in our definition of "benefits."

[laughs]

- Can I think about it? - By all means.

Okay, I got to tell you, you are much better kisser than Alan.

♪ Men ♪♪

- Are you sure about this? - Mm.

It's like Dan Halen says, "Might as well jump."

Well, when are you coming back?

I don't know.

Walden, have you really thought this through?

I know it's crazy, but I got to see where this goes with Kate.

Alright, I'm just concerned about my friend.

I appreciate that. I'm gonna be fine.

Mm. Good luck.

And, uh, don't worry about anything here.

- Yeah. Thanks, buddy. - Well, bye.

Bye.

Finally, you're mine! You're all mine!

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

So my porn name would be Snowball Honeysuckle.

[chuckles] Oh, that is so cute.

I would download every one of your films.

- What would yours be? - Beebo Eighty-Ninth Street.

Guess it's not a foolproof system.

Hey, I have to ask you a question.

He was a fish.

Thanks, but no. Um...why are you with me?

What kind of a question is that?

I don't know. Just, I don't have much to offer

and a beautiful, smart girl like you

could probably get any guy she wants.

But I did get the guy I want.

Good answer.

- Just promise me one thing. - What's that?

That we're always honest with each other.

No secrets, no lies.

You got it.

- Goodnight, Kate. - Goodnight, Sam.

- Kate? - Yeah?

I'm a billionaire.

Of course you are, Snowball.

Hey, you kids, get off my beach!

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ohh ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Huh-huh ♪

♪ Men ♪♪