Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,915 --> 00:00:04,743
I'm talking about
making a long-term
2
00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:05,831
commitment to each other.
3
00:00:05,918 --> 00:00:07,181
You mean like marriage?
4
00:00:07,268 --> 00:00:08,660
I just don't
understand why we can't
5
00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:09,922
keep things the way they are.
6
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,620
You mean living
day-to-day never knowing
7
00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:13,404
what kind of future
you have with the person
8
00:00:13,491 --> 00:00:15,624
you've been in a relationship
with the past three years?
9
00:00:15,711 --> 00:00:16,973
Okay, I-I prefer to think
10
00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:18,975
of it as cherishingeach day
11
00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:20,672
nay, each momentwith
12
00:00:20,759 --> 00:00:22,631
the woman I love because
13
00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:24,241
it-it could all disappear
14
00:00:24,328 --> 00:00:25,286
in-in the blink of an eye.
15
00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:27,505
You mean like this?
16
00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:29,072
How was your day?
17
00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:30,552
I'm pretty sure
Lyndsey and I broke up.
18
00:00:30,639 --> 00:00:32,728
I really like Lyndsey.
I thought she was great.
19
00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:34,469
She is great,
but I'm not gonna be bullied
20
00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:35,687
into spending the rest
of my life with somebody
21
00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:37,341
just 'cause they're great.
22
00:00:38,995 --> 00:00:40,562
- Alan.
- We need to talk.
23
00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:43,956
- Go ahead.
- I want to be with you forever.
24
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,002
That's all I ever
wanted to hear.
25
00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:50,224
I love you, Lyndsey, and as soon
as I can save enough money..
26
00:00:50,311 --> 00:00:53,401
...I'm gonna...put a deposit
down on an engagement ring.
27
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,578
You don't have to buy
me some dumb ring.
28
00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:58,493
That's all I ever
wanted to hear.
29
00:01:00,712 --> 00:01:02,149
♪ Men ♪♪
30
00:01:02,236 --> 00:01:04,151
[Skype caller tone]
31
00:01:04,238 --> 00:01:06,762
- 'Oh, oh, hey, Jake.'
- Hey, dad.
32
00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:08,677
- What's going on?
- Oh, I've got good news.
33
00:01:08,764 --> 00:01:11,027
- I've got a girlfriend.
- Oh, oh, that's great.
34
00:01:11,114 --> 00:01:13,334
And it gets better,
she gave me the clap.
35
00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,077
Wait, wait, how's that better?
36
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:19,383
It's a sexually
transmitted disease, dad.
37
00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:26,303
- Sexually transmitted.
- Disease.
38
00:01:28,044 --> 00:01:29,698
Yeah, so you get it.
39
00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:31,874
Now everybody knows
that I'mgetting it.
40
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,312
Wait, y-you're telling people?
41
00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:37,401
No, I don't have to,
'cause I scream when I pee.
42
00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:41,797
I'm literally speechless, Jake.
43
00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:45,888
- Hey, Walden!
- Oh, hey, Jake.
44
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:47,890
I got the clap.
45
00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:52,851
Uh...congratulations.
46
00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:57,465
Thanks, man. Alright, gotta run,
dad, I'll talk to you later.
47
00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,684
I'm going to SeaWorld with my
girlfriend and her three kids.
48
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:05,212
It's too bad antibiotics
can't cure stupidity.
49
00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:07,127
Hey, that's my son..
50
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:08,128
eh, you're right.
51
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,566
[computer beeps]
52
00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:13,524
- Huh.
- What?
53
00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:16,440
I just got an e-mail
from my ex-wife.
54
00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:18,181
She wants to meet me for coffee.
55
00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:19,226
Judith?
56
00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:21,010
Oh, no, no. My-my second wife.
57
00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:22,620
You got two women to marry you?
58
00:02:24,361 --> 00:02:26,842
Yeah, I had to get the taste
of Judith out of my mouth.
59
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,628
How come you never told
me about the second one?
60
00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:31,934
Ah, there wasn't much to tell.
61
00:02:32,021 --> 00:02:33,631
I mean, we got married in Vegas.
62
00:02:33,718 --> 00:02:35,372
'Won a half a million
dollar jackpot'
63
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,331
she dumped me, took the money
and moved to New York
64
00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:39,246
and became a TV star.
65
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:41,291
This might be the first
interesting story
66
00:02:41,378 --> 00:02:43,772
you've ever told.
67
00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:45,339
Was she really a TV star?
68
00:02:45,426 --> 00:02:46,905
Yeah, she's on that
cop show "Stiffs."
69
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,126
"If you're
not one of the suspects
70
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,520
you're one of the Stiffs."
71
00:02:52,607 --> 00:02:54,522
I lovethat show.
72
00:02:54,609 --> 00:02:55,566
Well, who does she play?
73
00:02:55,653 --> 00:02:58,090
Detective Jane Risotto.
74
00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:00,963
Wait a minute!
75
00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:03,270
You were married to
tough-talkin', smooth-walkin'
76
00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:05,489
pistol-packin' Jane Risotto?
77
00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:07,099
Guilty.
78
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,363
Guilty of being with
the hottest woman on Earth.
79
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,148
- I-I know.
- Hold on. Wait, her?
80
00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:13,367
Yes.
81
00:03:14,672 --> 00:03:16,457
You?
82
00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:18,241
Yes.
83
00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:20,287
- No.
- Yes.
84
00:03:20,374 --> 00:03:21,984
No!
85
00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:24,465
And you wonder why I
didn't tell you about this.
86
00:03:26,336 --> 00:03:27,598
No!
87
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:30,688
'Yes!'
88
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:33,343
No, no, no.
89
00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:36,433
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
90
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,958
♪ Men men men
manly men men men ♪
91
00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:42,961
♪ Men men men men
manly men ♪
92
00:03:43,048 --> 00:03:45,094
♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo hoo ooh ♪
93
00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:47,923
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
94
00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:51,231
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
95
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,755
♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪
96
00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,419
♪ Men ♪♪
97
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:06,898
[indistinct chattering]
98
00:04:06,985 --> 00:04:08,552
Kandi, over here.
99
00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:09,858
Alan!
100
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:11,163
Look at you.
101
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,339
You look terrific.
102
00:04:12,426 --> 00:04:13,514
Oh, thank you.
103
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:14,950
And you look...wow!
104
00:04:15,037 --> 00:04:16,647
[Alan clears throat]
105
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:19,781
That-that dress fits you
like a spray-on tan.
106
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,872
- It's so good to see you.
- Well, you, too.
107
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:25,830
So, uh, what are you doing here?
108
00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,484
Meeting you for coffee.
109
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:29,312
Duh.
110
00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:32,097
Uh, no, I-I meant what
are you doing here in LA.
111
00:04:32,184 --> 00:04:34,535
Oh, I'm in the new
James Cameron movie.
112
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,319
- Oh!
- I'm gonna be in 3-D.
113
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,408
You'll certainly pop
right off the screen.
114
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,716
Pop, pop.
115
00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:42,804
Thanks.
116
00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,022
So, what's up with you?
117
00:04:44,109 --> 00:04:45,459
- How's Jake?
- Oh, good.
118
00:04:45,546 --> 00:04:48,070
- Uh, uh, he's in the army.
- Wow!
119
00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,637
[chuckling]
Yeah.
120
00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:52,553
Which one?
121
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,250
Um...ours.
122
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:55,599
Oh, phew.
123
00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:58,776
So, look at you,
little Miss Hollywood.
124
00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:01,910
Oh, puh-lease,
I haven't changed at all.
125
00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:05,479
I'd like a non-fat decaf latte
with just a whisper of foam.
126
00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:07,959
Um, Kandi, he doesn't work here.
127
00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:12,224
- Is that a problem?
- Nope.
128
00:05:15,663 --> 00:05:17,839
So, did you ever get remarried?
129
00:05:17,926 --> 00:05:21,495
Oh, oh, no, but, uh, but, uh,
I do have a lovely girlfriend.
130
00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:24,802
- Oh, good for you.
- Thanks.
131
00:05:24,889 --> 00:05:27,196
So, how about you?
You seeing anyone?
132
00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:31,156
No, most guys just want a piece
of Detective Jane Risotto.
133
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,683
Well, as pieces go,
that's a good one.
134
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,032
Thanks.
135
00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:38,816
I never told you this..
136
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:41,515
...but you're the best
lover I ever had.
137
00:05:41,602 --> 00:05:44,561
Oh, oh, jeez, uh
I don't know what to say.
138
00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:47,216
Uh, but, you know, I certainly
gave it 110% every time.
139
00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:49,958
Mm, wow!
140
00:05:50,045 --> 00:05:52,395
Imagine if you had
given it your all.
141
00:05:56,051 --> 00:05:58,227
I'm sorry, you're
in a relationship.
142
00:05:58,314 --> 00:05:59,837
We shouldn't even
be talking about this stuff.
143
00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:01,535
That's right.
It's just not appropriate.
144
00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:04,755
So, um so, didn't you date
Derek Jeter, for a while?
145
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:07,541
- I did.
- Huh.
146
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:12,023
♪ Men ♪♪
147
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:13,373
[knock on door]
148
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:17,942
- Hi.
- Hi!
149
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:19,291
What are you doing here?
150
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,641
Well, something weird
just happened
151
00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:22,294
and I-I wanted to talk
to you about it.
152
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,339
You okay?
153
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:24,688
Oh, oh, yeah, everything's fine.
154
00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:27,909
It's just, uh, uh, well,
come here, sit down.
155
00:06:28,779 --> 00:06:29,737
What's going on?
156
00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:31,826
Uh, well, okay, here's the deal.
157
00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:36,918
I, I just met my ex-wife for
coffee and she got a little
158
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:39,529
flirtatious with me,
and it kind of freaked me out.
159
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:41,792
Wait, Judith got
flirtatious with you?
160
00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,577
Oh, oh, no. It wasn't Judith.
161
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,927
It was the hot one?
162
00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:48,233
Okay, I don't think Judith
would appreciate that but, uh..
163
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,541
...but, yes, i-it was
the-the hot one.
164
00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:53,674
What do you mean
she was flirtatious?
165
00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:55,719
Oh, oh, the details
are unimportant.
166
00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:57,329
I mean, she said I
was better in bed
167
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,897
than Derek Jeter
but whatever, um..
168
00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:02,683
Wait a second, you want me to
believe that one of the sexiest
169
00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:04,859
women in the world hit on
you and you turned her down?
170
00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,600
Well, yes, yes, I-I did.
171
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:09,124
I-I told Kandi that I'm
in a committed relationship
172
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,692
with a woman
that I-I truly love
173
00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:13,563
and-and I just wanted
to tell you because
174
00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,957
I don't want us to
have any secrets.
175
00:07:16,044 --> 00:07:17,524
- Really?
- Yeah.
176
00:07:17,611 --> 00:07:20,396
I don't need a young,
rich, gorgeous movie star
177
00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:22,180
with flawless skin
and a great body.
178
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,443
I have you.
179
00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:29,971
Okay, l-let me try that again.
180
00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:32,713
♪ Men ♪♪
181
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:38,501
Oh, hey,
you should take tomorrow off.
182
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:40,547
- Why?
- It's your birthday.
183
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:41,983
Nobody should have
to work on their birthday.
184
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:44,159
Who the hell told you
it was my birthday?
185
00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:46,378
You did, when we put you
on my company health plan.
186
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:50,165
Damn it, I should've just
lived with that hernia.
187
00:07:50,252 --> 00:07:52,515
Come on, birthdays are terrific.
188
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:56,127
It's all your loved ones
celebrating how great you are.
189
00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:59,609
It's like Christmas, except
you're the savior of the world.
190
00:07:59,696 --> 00:08:02,133
Sounds good,
but allmy loved ones
191
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:04,701
are in jail, rehab or dead.
192
00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:06,921
I can't think of anything
I'm less interested
193
00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:09,097
in than my birthday.
194
00:08:09,184 --> 00:08:10,402
Boy, do I have a story for you.
195
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,752
I stand corrected.
196
00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:15,059
What's going on?
197
00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,670
So, I go meet Kandi for coffee.
198
00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:19,586
- Yeah.
- It turns out she wants me.
199
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:20,804
- No.
- Yeah.
200
00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:21,979
- No!
- Oh, yeah.
201
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,024
- So did you?
- No.
202
00:08:23,111 --> 00:08:24,982
- No?
- Yes!
203
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:26,941
Hold on, I'm lost.
204
00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:30,858
So, when I tell Lyndsey that I
turned down Kandi because of her
205
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:33,121
Lyndsey bangs my brains out.
206
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:34,470
'In the middle of the day.'
207
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:37,473
She could see everything
and she kept going.
208
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:38,822
- No!
- Yes!
209
00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:40,607
But let's not get caught
in this loop again.
210
00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:42,130
I-I mean, all my life
I've had to lie
211
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:43,653
to women to have fantastic sex.
212
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:46,134
Turns out, all I had
to do was be honest.
213
00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:49,006
It's almost ridiculous
in its simplicity.
214
00:08:49,093 --> 00:08:51,226
From now on, I'm just gonna be
totally honest with women.
215
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:53,402
Well, until they catch
on to that scam.
216
00:08:53,489 --> 00:08:55,709
Exactly, then it's back
to Alan Harper, astronaut.
217
00:08:58,799 --> 00:09:00,670
♪ Men ♪♪
218
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:03,151
[phone ringing]
219
00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:09,549
[sniffs]
220
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,463
Hello?
221
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,074
Kandi?
222
00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,642
Wait, wh-why are you crying?
223
00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:19,515
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
224
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:23,301
Okay, not that slow.
225
00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:25,260
How many drinks have you had?
226
00:09:27,392 --> 00:09:30,439
Alright, "schlebbin"
is not a real number..
227
00:09:30,526 --> 00:09:33,790
..but it sounds
like it was a lot.
228
00:09:33,877 --> 00:09:37,141
Oh, no, no.
D-don't talk like that.
229
00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:39,796
You've got plenty to live for.
230
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:41,493
Alright, alright.
D-don't do anything stupid.
231
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,105
I-I'll be right over.
232
00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:46,542
This is the price I pay for
being the best lover ever.
233
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:55,116
Where you going?
234
00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:56,334
Oh, I, uh, got to take care of
235
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:58,815
my drunk, hysterical ex-wife.
236
00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:00,730
What are you doing up?
237
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,950
Checking the stock
market in London.
238
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:07,737
You're watching porn,
aren't you?
239
00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:09,739
I have more than
one window open, yes.
240
00:10:12,046 --> 00:10:13,656
Okay, I'll see you.
241
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:16,050
Wait, hey, you,
you want me to come with you?
242
00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:17,965
Oh, no, no.
I think I can handle it.
243
00:10:18,052 --> 00:10:19,401
You think you might get laid.
244
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:23,579
I have more than
one window open, yes.
245
00:10:23,666 --> 00:10:25,102
♪ Men ♪♪
246
00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:32,066
♪ Men ♪♪
247
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:34,721
[Kandi]
'It's open.'
248
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:38,986
Kandi?
249
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:41,336
Hi.
250
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:42,772
Are-are you okay?
251
00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:45,296
I am now that you're here.
252
00:10:45,383 --> 00:10:47,908
Wait a minute,
wh-what's going on?
253
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:50,432
On the phone you were drunk
and practically suicidal.
254
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:55,306
- I was acting.
- A-acting?
255
00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:59,615
Alan, you don't get a People's
Choice Award for nothing.
256
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,182
So this whole thing was a setup
257
00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:02,618
just to get me over here?
258
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:04,881
I'm used to getting what I want.
259
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:07,188
Well, uh, yeah, yeah, Kandi
260
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:09,930
but I told you before I-I have
a girlfriend. And-and-and..
261
00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:12,323
Oh, God, you smell good.
262
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:16,066
K-kinda like a combination
of pineapple and...hope.
263
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:22,072
I have a couple of old friends
here who wanna say hello!
264
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:25,119
Hello. Hello.
265
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,515
Why don't we continue this
conversation in the bedroom?
266
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:33,083
Oh, oh, Kandi, I, I-I can't.
267
00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:35,216
Um, I, I mean, I mean, I can.
268
00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:39,350
Uh, parts of me already did,
but, uh, I-I have to leave.
269
00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:41,135
Alright, fine.
270
00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:44,834
You must really love her.
271
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:47,532
That's the only explanation
I can come up with.
272
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:52,886
Jeez, the fact that you
don't want to sleep with me
273
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:55,192
makes me want you even more.
274
00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:57,891
But if you did sleep with me,
you'd be like all the others
275
00:11:57,978 --> 00:12:00,502
and then I wouldn't want
to sleep with you.
276
00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:03,200
So if you really don't
want to sleep with me
277
00:12:03,287 --> 00:12:05,725
you should sleep with me.
278
00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:10,077
The scary part is that
makes perfect sense.
279
00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:12,079
G-goodbye, Kandi.
280
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,515
Don't forget me, Alan.
281
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,694
As long as there's a slow,
soapy shower in the world
282
00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:20,304
you will never be forgotten.
283
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:26,658
♪ Men ♪♪
284
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,182
Good morning.
285
00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:30,271
Oh, hey, how'd it
go with Kandi last night?
286
00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:32,099
Horrible. She wanted
to have sex with me.
287
00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:37,844
Why do bad things happen
to good people?
288
00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:39,889
Bottom line is, I took
the high road and it sucks.
289
00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:42,849
That's why it's
the road less traveled.
290
00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:44,372
Hey, let me ask you a question.
291
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:47,027
Yes, they're spectacular.
292
00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:48,985
I knew it.
293
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,508
Now, my question.
294
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:52,510
What do you usually do
for Berta's birthday?
295
00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:55,165
Oh, uh, well, my brother would
stuff a card full of cash
296
00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:56,688
and then, after he passed
out, I'd steam it open
297
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,300
take a few 20s and sign it.
298
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:03,391
Yeah, I kind of
get a feeling that..
299
00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:05,654
...she doesn't have anybody
doing anything special for her.
300
00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:08,396
Yeah, I don't think she does.
301
00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:11,834
Let me know if you want to give
her cash, I'll buy the card.
302
00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:14,445
[phone rings]
303
00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:16,012
Oh. Hey, Lyndsey.
304
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:19,711
Whoa, whoa, c-c-calm down.
305
00:13:21,539 --> 00:13:23,150
Kandi's hotel room?
306
00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:27,067
What, what makes you
think I was there?
307
00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:29,112
Paparazzi photos
on the Internet?
308
00:13:29,199 --> 00:13:32,768
Uh, wow, that, that is just,
that is crazy, Lyndsey.
309
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:35,553
I-I, I don't know
what you're talking about.
310
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:39,470
- Hmm, maybe it's this.
- 'Oh, crap.'
311
00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:42,996
Um, uh, well, alright, alright,
alright. I-I-I can explain that.
312
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:45,128
Uh, uh, she-she called
me at 2:00 in the morning
313
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:46,869
and I-I thought she was
drunk and suicidal
314
00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:48,262
but it turns out
she was just acting.
315
00:13:48,349 --> 00:13:51,221
Did you know she
won a People's Choice?
316
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:53,006
B-b-but I swear
nothing happened.
317
00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:55,573
[laughing]
This doesn't look like nothing.
318
00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:01,753
Uh, okay, okay, but-but,
but what you can't see in that
319
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,582
picture is-is what I was
thinking, and what I was
320
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,846
thinking about was you,
the woman I lo..
321
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:07,847
Hello?
322
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,545
Oh, man!
323
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,547
Mm-mm, I'm sorry, buddy.
324
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:13,940
Oh, look, you've been identified
325
00:14:14,027 --> 00:14:16,420
as "Matthew Broderick's father."
326
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:19,684
♪ Men ♪♪
327
00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:20,816
[knock on door]
328
00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:26,474
There's the birthday girl!
329
00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:29,956
I'm not in the mood, Walden.
330
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:33,046
There is a ton of weed in this.
331
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,526
Happy birthday to me!
332
00:14:37,441 --> 00:14:39,835
♪ Men ♪♪
333
00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:41,793
[sighs]
These photos are all
over the internet.
334
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,752
Oh, my God.
335
00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:45,928
Oh, my boobs look
good in this one.
336
00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:48,235
Yeah, your boobs look good,
your life is perfect
337
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:50,063
and I'm going to die alone.
338
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:52,761
Oh, Alan, I'm so sorry.
What can I do to help?
339
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:55,242
Talk to Lyndsey,
tell her nothing happened.
340
00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:56,765
She won't listen to me.
341
00:14:56,852 --> 00:14:58,854
- Of course.
- Thank you.
342
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:01,509
[Kandi clears throat]
343
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,641
It's her voice mail.
344
00:15:03,728 --> 00:15:04,816
She sounds very pretty.
345
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,428
Just leave a message.
346
00:15:07,515 --> 00:15:08,951
Oh, hi, Lyndsey.
347
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:13,260
It's Kandi, Alan's ex-wife
and TV's Jane Risotto.
348
00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:14,783
I'm here with Alan
in my hotel room and--
349
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:17,786
- No.
- What?
350
00:15:17,873 --> 00:15:19,048
- Got it.
- Okay.
351
00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:21,529
Sorry, wrong number.
352
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,274
♪ Men ♪♪
353
00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:31,756
So, basically, the search
results are processed through
354
00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:35,760
the neural back end,
which allows us to serve ads
355
00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:39,721
that are based on trends that
are personalized for the user.
356
00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:44,073
Halfway through that, your
head turned into a taco.
357
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,554
[both laughing]
358
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:54,214
How cool is that?
A talking taco.
359
00:15:56,042 --> 00:16:00,568
Talking taco,
talking taco, talking taco.
360
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:02,787
Oh, jeez, I am really high.
361
00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:08,576
There must have been a cat
tranquilizer in that cupcake.
362
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:09,838
Woof.
363
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,669
[both laughing]
364
00:16:20,457 --> 00:16:22,416
I got to tell you, Walden.
365
00:16:22,503 --> 00:16:26,550
I never thought that I could
work for anybody but Charlie..
366
00:16:26,637 --> 00:16:28,988
...but...you're a good guy.
367
00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:32,687
That means a lot.
368
00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:35,168
And if truth be told,
I don't even mind
369
00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:37,518
seeing Zippy every day.
370
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:38,780
Whoa!
371
00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:42,653
I must be higher
than I thought.
372
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,528
[Berta laughing]
373
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:54,056
You know, when I met you,
I was at a real low point..
374
00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:59,105
...you and Alan took care of me
375
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:02,630
I got to say,
other than my mother..
376
00:17:02,717 --> 00:17:04,806
...you're the closest
thing I have to a family.
377
00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:11,160
I love you, Berta.
378
00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:13,771
You're a sentimental
little taco, aren't you?
379
00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:16,557
[both laughing]
380
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:18,211
♪ Men ♪♪
381
00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:19,429
[knock on door]
382
00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:25,740
- Hi, we need to talk.
- Go ahead.
383
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:28,090
I know you're
really upset but I promise
384
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:29,787
nothing happened
between me and Alan.
385
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:32,138
- I saw the pictures.
- Pictures lie.
386
00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:35,054
- So do boyfriends.
- But not Alan.
387
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,143
Did you really
try to seduce him?
388
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,754
I did but he turned me down.
389
00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:42,278
- Wow.
- I was as surprised as you are.
390
00:17:44,019 --> 00:17:45,803
What about all
that stuff about..
391
00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:48,850
...you enjoying sex with Alan
more than with Derek Jeter?
392
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:50,808
Oh, honey, you know
better than that.
393
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,465
♪ Men ♪♪
394
00:17:55,552 --> 00:17:57,511
Hola,Berta.
395
00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,991
Felizbirthday-o.
396
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,038
Stop, you're freaking me out.
397
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:08,304
Okay, alright,
I'm gonna call a cab.
398
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:10,437
I'm too stoned to drive.
399
00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:16,530
I may be too stoned
to call a cab.
400
00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:19,968
What about your car?
401
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,840
Oh, you know, just drive
it to my house tomorrow.
402
00:18:22,927 --> 00:18:25,408
I don't know how
to drive that thing.
403
00:18:25,495 --> 00:18:27,715
Oh, come on, it's easy,
I'll show you.
404
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:28,977
Here.
405
00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:32,415
Someone help me out here.
406
00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:34,113
Where's your door?
407
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:37,290
[Berta laughing]
408
00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:41,642
Happy birthday.
409
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:45,907
Sweet Georgia Brown, you'd
better not be screwing with me.
410
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,778
Nope, you always said
it was your dream car.
411
00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:49,432
Well, today your
dreams come true.
412
00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:53,001
Oh! Come here, you big
old talking taco.
413
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:56,047
[gasps]
414
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,093
Oh, oh, there's one condition.
415
00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,660
Okay, you want to do
it in the house
416
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:01,749
or on the hood of the car?
417
00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:03,620
No.
418
00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:05,448
Hey, Alan can never
419
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:07,494
find out about this.
420
00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:09,452
Alan can never
find out about this.
421
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,413
♪ Men ♪♪
422
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,592
♪ Men ♪♪
423
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,724
Oh, that is great, honey.
424
00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,726
Well, I-I will
talk to you later.
425
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:25,120
Okay, okay, bye-bye.
426
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,035
Wow, Lyndsey's in a better mood.
427
00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:28,079
[Alan snorts]
428
00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:31,735
It's like her head is in
a whole different place.
429
00:19:34,782 --> 00:19:36,914
Uh, uh, it's on.
430
00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:38,786
[man on TV]
'If you're not one
of the suspects..'
431
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:41,223
[together]
You're one of the Stiffs.
432
00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:47,577
God, she's hot.
433
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:50,058
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
434
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:54,628
Excuse me, I'm gonna go
check the stock market.
435
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:01,417
Guess what Walden bought
me for my birthday.
436
00:20:03,941 --> 00:20:05,465
♪ Men ♪♪
437
00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:10,774
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
438
00:20:10,861 --> 00:20:14,213
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
439
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:17,128
♪ Men men men men
manly men ♪
440
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,174
♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo hoo ooh ♪
441
00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:22,569
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
442
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:25,398
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
443
00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:27,356
♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪
31666
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof