Original subtitles

♪ Men ♪♪

Feel like I spent the last half hour yodeling in a cave.

I'm sorry. It wasn't you.

No, it was, it was like licking a lollipop

that never gets any smaller.

I mean, you enjoy it, but after a while

you start to crave the stick.

Did I at least make you crave the stick?

You did great. I'm just... a little distracted.

- Is everything okay? - Not really.

- We need to talk. - Oh, come on.

I got lockjaw and you wanna talk?

I-I wanna know where we're going with this relationship.

Do we have any kind of a future?

Of course, we do. I mean, th-things are good.

Th-things are great. Why rock the boat?

I mean, I know the little man inside your boat

could use some rocking.

I'm talking about making a long term commitment to each other.

You mean like marriage?

- Would that be so awful? - Ask my ex-wife.

Her statement in court read like a Stephen King novel.

W-where is this coming from all of a sudden?

It was something my gynecologist said.

- Are you alright? - I-I'm fine.

He said, "Everything looks great down here.

Would you like to have dinner sometime?"

Wow. Wow.

Uh, that is wildly inappropriate.

- I mean, a-as a doctor myself-- - You're a chiropractor.

Nonetheless, I am a healer. There's a code!

I mean, you don't, you don't ask someone out

when they're buck naked with their feet in the stirrups.

Unless you're drunk at a rodeo.

Well, he did.

Do you wanna go out with him?

It's not about going out with him.

But if you and I don't have a future

I need to examine my options.

The way you got examined by Dr. Busy Fingers?

Look, I don't wanna grow old alone.

So, if you're not ready to make this kind of commitment

better to know now.

Jeez, Lyndsey, you k-kinda sprung this on me.

I mean, I don't have to give you an answer

just this second, do I?

No, no, of course not.

- Just think about it. - Okay.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

[sighs]

And just for the record, he gets paid to go down there.

I do it for the love of the game.

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey.

Oh, hey, can I borrow your car?

I need to take my bike into the shop

and it won't fit in mine.

Sure. No problem.

Thanks.

I assume it needs gas?

And oil.

And brake fluid.

And wiper blades.

So, uh, what are you reading?

I'm trying to finish "Ulysses."

Oh, that's a tough one.

How long you been reading it?

Fourteen years.

I'm on page eight.

Impressive.

I'm still on the first "Tuesday With Morrie."

He dies in the end.

Thank you.

So, listen, I-I-I wanna ask your opinion about something.

Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a commitment

'cause some other guy asked her out.

- Who asked her out? - Her gynecologist.

Well, at least he knows what he's getting into.

Cute.

But I-I-I mean, I don't want to

lose Lyndsey, but I'm just not

ready to make a commitment.

My advice is you better do something soon

or you're out and the doctor's in.

And when I say, "The doctor's in," I mean--

No, I got it, I gotit.

Alright, I got to get out of here.

Oh, here you go.

Oh, uh, the driver's side door doesn't work anymore

so either get in the passenger side

or climb in through the window.

- Got it. - Oh!

And whatever you do

when you put the key in the ignition

make sure you're holding something rubber.

You know, so you're grounded.

Does Lyndsey have a nice car?

- Yeah. - Marry her.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ And he's holding her in his arms ♪

♪ Late late at night ♪

♪ You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl ♪

♪ I wish that I had Jessie's girl ♪

♪ Where can I find a woman like that ♪

♪ I'll play along with this charade..♪♪

[engine sputtering]

Alan!

Ah! Ow! Ow!

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah.

I think it just overheated.

Can I give you a ride to a gas station?

Uh, gee, I don't know.

My mom always told me never to get in a car with a stranger.

I'm Shari McMartin.

Solves that problem.

♪ Men ♪♪

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

Oh, no problem.

So your old Volvo's seen better days, huh?

[chuckles] Yeah, it's actually, it's not mine.

I borrowed it from a friend to get my bike fixed.

You ride a bike around town?

You must have amazing stamina.

Well, it's not the only way that I get around.

Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed about.

With the price of gas being what it is

a bicycle is very practical.

I'm-I'm not ashamed.

Trust me, there will come a day when you won't

have to worry about having enough money for gas.

Okay.

I look forward to that day.

So what's your name?

- Walden. - That's a nice name.

What are you doing in Los Angeles, Walden?

You trying to be an actor or..

...model or something?

Right now, I'm trying to finish a book.

Oh. How long have you been at it?

- Fourteen years. - Oh, a struggling writer.

- Yes. Yes, I am. - Well, you're in luck.

I happen to be a big supporter of the arts.

Oh, really? How fortuitous.

Ooh, "Fortuitous." You are a writer.

Listen, uh, what do you say we go grab a bite to eat

get the car fixed later?

Sure. There's-there's a really great deli right up here.

Well, actually, I have a better place in mind.

- Where's that? - My house.

Oh. What's on the menu there?

Oh.

Yum.

♪ Men ♪♪

- Hi. - Hi.

What you doin'?

[Lyndsey on screen] Nothing much.

How about we go out to a movie?

- Sure, we could do that. - Great, great.

I will check some times.

- 'Alan?' - Yeah?

Did you think about what we discussed last night?

Oh, yes, oh, yes.

Thinking about it constantly.

Anything you wanna talk about?

Not yet. Still thinkin'.

Uh, you know, uh, percolating, uh, mulling.

All the other pertinent "ings."

Ooh, ooh, uh, uh, cogitating!

Stalling, avoiding, ducking.

Ooh! Procrastinating.

What? No, no. That's, that's crazy.

I'm not, I'm not doing any of those things.

I mean, why would I do those things?

So what movie would you like to see?

I know what you're doing. This is not gonna go away.

Look, I just don't understand

why we can't keep things the way they are.

You mean, living day-to-day

never knowing what kind of future you have with the person

you've been in a relationship with the past three years?

Okay, I-I-I prefer to think of it as cherishingeach day

nay each moment with the woman I love

because none of us knows how much time we have left.

I mean, it-it-it could all disappear

in the, in the blink of an eye.

You mean like this?

Exactly.

♪ Men ♪♪

Well, it would appear that a bicycle's not the only thing

you can ride.

I'm also good with bulls and merry-go-rounds.

Did you enjoy your lunch?

Oh, yeah.

I would definitely eat here again.

Mm. Mm.

Do you mind taking a taxi home?

Uh, sure, no problem.

I'd drive you, I just have some things to do.

Okay.

So...then we're done here?

I am.

Okay. Alrighty then.

You know, uh, we should do this again.

Oh, we will. I'll let you know when.

- Alrighty. - Oh...here.

What's this?

- It's money for a taxi. - I don't need that.

Sweetie, don't be proud. Take the money.

Okay, great.

Thank you.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

- Hey, hey! - Hey!

Where have you been?

I got some good news and I got some bad news for ya.

What's the bad news?

Your car overheated and broke down.

Ah! I should have told you not to turn on the radio.

So, uh, what's the good news?

This beautiful woman pulls up

in a Bentley and offers me help

and then she takes me back to her house

and bangs my brains out.

H-h-how is that good news for me?

Oh, sorry, I misspoke.

The bad news was for you

the good news was for me.

Do you have any idea how many times I've been stranded

by the side of the road 'cause of that car?

The only person who ever stopped was a truck driver

with no pants and drawn-on eyebrows.

She also gave me money for a taxi.

- I hate you. - I know, right?

How was your day?

I'm pretty sure Lyndsey and I broke up.

Oh, man.

I'm sorry.

I-I really liked Lyndsey. I thought she was great.

Yeah, well, she is great, but I'm not gonna be bullied

into spending the rest of my life with somebody

just 'cause they're great.

Who would? It's like being forced to win the lotto.

Wait a minute. If you took a cab home, where's my car?

Huh.

Here's a 100 bucks. Buy a better car.

♪ Men ♪♪

So, you ready for round two?

Oh, right now?

Um, well, could we just talk a little

while...the boys, you know, restock the shelves?

Yeah, sure, let's talk.

Um, how are things... going with your book?

How's...with the what?

Your book? The one you're trying to finish?

Oh, about the book..

Good.

It's good.

It's going good.

Writing words.

Making sentences.

What's it about?

Okay, um...yeah.

It's about this, uh..

...guy...named Alan.

Mm-hmm.

He, and he-he lives with his brother

in this, uh, fabulous Malibu beach house.

And?

And...the brother dies.

He falls in front of a train in Paris.

Wow. Didn't see that coming.

Neither did he.

Anyway, this, uh, this billionaire named Wal...ter

comes along and he buys the house

and then, and Alan continues to live there.

Wait. With a complete stranger?

Yeah.

- Are they gay? - No. No, no.

They-they're just, they're just friends.

That's a bit far-fetched, isn't it?

What? No.

That's totally plausible.

They have these adventures together.

It's funny.

It's a good thing you're pretty.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey.

Whoa!

Look at you. Bought some new clothes, huh?

Nope.

Somebody bought new clothes for me.

Shari took her boy toy shopping in Beverly Hills.

I felt like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman."

The only thing I got from the truck driver

was a pack of cigarettes and an eyebrow pencil.

Yeah, I gotta tell you, it is nice

to be taken care of for a change.

Well, look who I'm talkin' to.

Alright, I'm gonna go do some manscaping.

Mama like me smooth.

[Skype call tone]

- Oh, hey, buddy. - Hey, dad.

Well, this is a nice surprise. W-what's going on?

Well, I heard from Eldridge that you and his mom broke up

so I'm just checking in to see how you're doing.

That is really sweet of you, Jake

to be concerned about your old man.

Well, I love you, dad.

- I want you to be happy. - Thank you.

And, you know, you've always been there for me.

Now I get to be here for you.

That's true.

- Speaking of which-- - How much?

A couple of 100 bucks would make it a Merry Christmas

for all the people I love.

Alright, Jake, I'll take care of it.

Oh, thank you, dad. Love you, bye.

Bye.

Totally worked! We're going to Tijuana!

Totally worked. He thinks I'm sending him money.

♪ Men ♪♪

Um. Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Sit.

But if a lady comes along

I'm gonna have to ask you to vacate.

Right back at you.

I'm not worried.

- Sid Olsen. - Oh. Nice to meet you.

Uh, Alan Harper.

So, Alvin, you play the ponies?

Uh, I'm not much of a gambler.

I don't know, that shirt's kind of a gamble.

So, uh, what, uh, brings you in here, Sid?

Besides dispensing fashion advice?

I like to get out, make the rounds

you know, talk to the young people.

But I'll talk to you until one comes along.

Whether I like it or not.

Oh, I got some more advice for you, Albert.

When you get to be my age

always bring a big plastic cup into the john.

Why?

You gotta lower the water level

or your nuts get wet.

Oh, excuse me, darlin', darlin'.

Could we have some more wings, please?

I'll have a beer, please.

You know, it's all-you-can-eat for $6.99.

It's also dollar beers.

Yeah, I don't drink beer. It gives me the wind.

What's your problem, Alfred?

- I don't have a problem. - Oh, come on.

You're in a bar at four o'clock in the afternoon

talking to an 80-year-old man about his balls.

You got a problem.

Fine. I-I guess, uh, I've been having relationship issues.

Ah, I get it. I'm having trouble with my wife.

- What's the matter? - She's dead.

Oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry.

Ah, so am I.

If she were still alive, I wouldn't have to be

talking to you.

Now we both wish she was alive.

Zing.

Our marriage was the best 30 years of my life.

My only complaint was that she couldn't cook.

The woman could screw up iced tea.

I mean, you know the recipe for iced tea?

It's ice...tea. Done!

Well, I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

You're smarter than you look.

You got a good one, you gotta hang on to her.

Yeah, but how do you know you've got a good one?

Well, you don't always know.

Sometimes you just gotta take the leap.

Ah, here we go. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Uh-h-h..

These are for my cat.

I don't have a cat.

Well, it was great talking to you, Archie.

Alan.

Sid.

Here's my card.

Oh. Thanks.

I'll call you if I need a wing-man.

Get it? Uh, a wing-man.

The, the chicken?

Leave the jokes to me, chuckles.

Aw, jeez. I forgot my wallet.

Don't worry. I've got it.

Thank you. Much appreciated.

Works every time.

♪ Men ♪♪

[doorbell rings]

- Alan? - We need to talk.

Oh, really? Now you want to talk.

I don't know, you just kind of sprung this on me.

Okay, I deserved that. But just listen, please.

Go ahead.

I've just come

to the realization that..

...I don't want to end up alone with my nuts in the toilet.

- What? - All I know is this.

I was scared because every time

I've made a commitment to a woman

it's blown up in my face.

But...I'd rather be scared than risk losing you.

I-I want to be with you forever.

Ah. That's all I ever wanted to hear.

I-I love you, Lyndsey.

And as soon as I can save enough money

I'm gonna...put a deposit down on an engagement ring.

You don't have to buy me some dumb ring.

That's all I ever wanted to hear.

♪ Men ♪♪

[doorbell rings]

Yeah?

Is your mom here?

My mom?

Walden, what are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted to surprise you.

Oh, that's very sweet.

Baby, go put these in water.

Yeah.

Honey, you really have to call before you come over.

What's up with the kid from "Twilight?"

Oh, uh, he works at Foot Locker.

You know, he's like you, he just has a little more ambition.

[chuckling] Ambition? You're kidding me.

Oh, no, don't take that the wrong way.

I mean, you are very good at what you can do.

Okay.

I'm a billionaire.

I own my own company.

Oh. There's that imagination.

Hey, that's what you should be writing about.

I'll call you, okay?

I own my own freakin' jet!

That's it. I'm going to buy Foot Locker.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Thank you for inviting me over, Alfonso.

No problem.

You too, Winston.

Any time, Sid.

Look, I don't want to tar anybody else's roof

but either one of you tappin' the hot redhead?

[both] No.

Mind if I take a swing at her?

Go right ahead.

Yeah, she might swing back.

Good. I like 'em feisty.

This may take a minute.

Is your friend pool that shallow?

Hey, red, you like chicken wings?

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men ♪

♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo hoo ooh ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪