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I thought I would start from the beginning.
2
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But that's not how I remember it.
3
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Everything is a series of fragments.
4
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Repetitions.
5
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Pattern formations.
6
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When there are no words for the pain...
7
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...let your imagination change what you know.
8
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Conglomerates are the movement of soil in the freedom of water.
9
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A ring around a stone is luck.
10
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Smooth and small.
11
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Sandstone is calming and clear. Slate, of course, rational.
12
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Red sandstone is the blood of the earth.
13
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You believe in blue.
14
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Sorry.
15
00:04:52,949 --> 00:04:54,319
Memories...
16
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...are stories.
17
00:05:00,649 --> 00:05:02,949
Best to find one you can live with.
18
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I. HOLD YOUR BREATH
19
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A smiling face.
20
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Flower.
21
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Christmas tree.
22
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Stop.
23
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Claudia, go upstairs. Go!
24
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Not!
25
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Just let me know when you're ready.
26
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We can stay here all night.
27
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Damn, take this!
28
00:07:22,569 --> 00:07:25,689
That's so nice, Claudia. I actually think it will
29
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to make you feel better immediately.
30
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Make you feel better instantly.
31
00:07:41,449 --> 00:07:43,069
Sing with me, Belle.
32
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Come on, Lidia Belle. Sing with me. You know all the lyrics.
33
00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:05,119
It was my voice that disappeared.
34
00:08:07,899 --> 00:08:10,569
Sometimes I think it came down to paper.
35
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-I wrote... -...pictures and true things...
36
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-...lie alternately. -It made me feel that...
37
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-Made me feel like someone else. -For God's sake!
38
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-I wrote words to belong. -It's your daughter!
39
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Not daughter.
40
00:08:27,689 --> 00:08:28,949
For swimmers.
41
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For safety.
42
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For girls. You make me crawl and give me a headache.
43
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Mother.
44
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Her hair.
45
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,069
Her scar.
46
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Her story.
47
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I won an award for that story, Belle.
48
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And your father...
49
00:08:49,689 --> 00:08:53,819
...won an art award for this drawing.
50
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So gone she was.
51
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And my sister. My worship.
52
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My sister. My respect.
53
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You look like a scoundrel in that baggy, ugly shirt.
54
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It doesn't help you at all.
55
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Look at me.
56
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Are you trying to look like a man?
57
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My sister. She takes everything.
58
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My sister. She takes everything.
59
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In the house.
60
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Alone in my room.
61
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My arms ache.
62
00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,189
My sister is gone.
63
00:10:10,449 --> 00:10:11,779
My mother is...
64
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...away.
65
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My dad is drawing houses in the next room. He's smoking.
66
00:10:34,449 --> 00:10:35,569
Hey, old lady.
67
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I'll wait until five in the morning.
68
00:11:01,149 --> 00:11:02,319
I ask for
69
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to be able to swim.
70
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My little girl.
71
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You're growing up so fast.
72
00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:34,819
Teenager.
73
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In high school. I can't believe it.
74
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Okay, get in line. Girls, time for weigh-in.
75
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You know how it goes. A spanking for every extra kilo.
76
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Torres.
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Talented girl.
78
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Exactly. That's right, yes.
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Straps. 1.5 kilos.
80
00:12:14,569 --> 00:12:15,899
Come on, old man.
81
00:12:29,689 --> 00:12:30,899
Yuknavitch.
82
00:12:31,069 --> 00:12:34,319
One for you, first-timer. We'll do it properly.
83
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:09,649
How many kilometers does it take?
84
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to swim
85
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to a self?
86
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How...many...
87
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...damn kilometers?
88
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We broke a record! We broke a tamejfan record!
89
00:13:40,649 --> 00:13:45,069
Our medley relay gold medalists from the Florida Aquatic Swim Team
90
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had the best time in the whole country.
91
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Congratulations.
92
00:13:50,279 --> 00:13:52,149
The talent scouts are watching, third-rounders.
93
00:14:18,189 --> 00:14:20,319
So you really want this, then?
94
00:14:46,569 --> 00:14:49,189
You only got three quarters.
95
00:14:53,319 --> 00:14:58,189
If they had wanted you, they would have given you everything, right?
96
00:15:14,149 --> 00:15:17,689
"We are pleased to be able to offer a partial scholarship."
97
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Half. You're better than that.
98
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The last one.
99
00:15:41,689 --> 00:15:44,069
In my head I swam lengths.
100
00:15:45,029 --> 00:15:47,449
You didn't even get a full scholarship.
101
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Don't blame me.
102
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If they don't want you, you don't belong there.
103
00:15:56,649 --> 00:15:58,649
I could taste the blood.
104
00:15:58,819 --> 00:15:59,949
The answer is no.
105
00:16:01,949 --> 00:16:02,949
Why?
106
00:16:10,779 --> 00:16:12,149
Because he could.
107
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What then?
108
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And I was his.
109
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,529
Listen, look at me.
110
00:16:45,449 --> 00:16:46,569
Look at me.
111
00:16:56,399 --> 00:17:01,199
I only want the best for you. You know that.
112
00:17:04,689 --> 00:17:06,689
I knew he could feel it.
113
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That pink muscle.
114
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As a pinch
115
00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:14,569
and pinches...
116
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-You guys should be out warming up. -...for all it's worth.
117
00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:24,689
Lidia!
118
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Do you need help?
119
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I'm the coach for Texas Tech.
120
00:17:32,069 --> 00:17:34,149
Nice to meet you. Let's talk.
121
00:17:35,649 --> 00:17:37,689
We would like to have you on our team.
122
00:17:56,819 --> 00:17:57,949
Yes.
123
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I almost loved her.
124
00:18:12,689 --> 00:18:13,949
Now let's go, Belle.
125
00:18:41,689 --> 00:18:44,899
I know you, Lidia. I know what you do.
126
00:18:45,069 --> 00:18:47,569
And it's disgusting. Do you hear me?
127
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That's fucking disgusting, Lidia. You should be ashamed!
128
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This is control.
129
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I control myself.
130
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You don't know how far I can go.
131
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My bedroom has room for the wet and dark in my body.
132
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It smells like my sweat.
133
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and chlorine.
134
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Hello. You can't sleep, huh?
135
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:56,069
Yeah, me neither.
136
00:20:07,189 --> 00:20:09,579
Come here. I want to talk to you.
137
00:20:15,449 --> 00:20:18,069
Sorry if I've been so hard on you lately.
138
00:20:20,189 --> 00:20:21,399
I guess I just...
139
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,649
...I'm so worried about you out there.
140
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Things will be different when you go to college.
141
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I want you to listen to me.
142
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,529
He told me what boys would do to me.
143
00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:42,069
How they would stick their filthy hands under my skirt and fuck me.
144
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Pat my breasts.
145
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Suck on them.
146
00:20:51,069 --> 00:20:54,029
How disgusting boys could be.
147
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Their hands, their hips that want to go in and up.
148
00:20:59,899 --> 00:21:01,319
And their dicks.
149
00:21:02,149 --> 00:21:03,569
And his.
150
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I sit next to him,
151
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feel the warmth from him without even looking.
152
00:22:10,949 --> 00:22:12,569
What are you doing out here?
153
00:22:19,819 --> 00:22:21,569
What's wrong with you?
154
00:22:26,189 --> 00:22:28,189
I want you to know
155
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that I love you.
156
00:22:51,069 --> 00:22:53,029
You are a fucking whore.
157
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Do you have something to say to me?
158
00:23:11,569 --> 00:23:13,569
Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit.
159
00:23:15,069 --> 00:23:16,779
What did you just say?
160
00:23:19,569 --> 00:23:20,949
Fuck you...you fucking piece of shit.
161
00:23:25,069 --> 00:23:28,949
Leave me alone, for fuck's sake!
162
00:24:06,449 --> 00:24:08,399
Everything I thought about
163
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was my own wide-open pussy.
164
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Wide open like a mouth...screaming.
165
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You fucking shit!
166
00:24:30,449 --> 00:24:32,399
You fucking shit.
167
00:24:52,069 --> 00:24:54,189
I didn't know a girl's body could do that.
168
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Spray a batch.
169
00:25:30,949 --> 00:25:33,399
My food, my thoughts, my friends, my place.
170
00:25:33,569 --> 00:25:36,069
My booze, my days, my nights.
171
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-My sex, my drugs. -Mine.
172
00:26:18,779 --> 00:26:22,069
Something so far down in a body
173
00:26:23,819 --> 00:26:25,319
that it was bound to explode.
174
00:26:29,819 --> 00:26:30,949
Yuk!
175
00:26:35,949 --> 00:26:37,529
Where do you think you're going?
176
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I know you.
177
00:26:43,949 --> 00:26:45,449
You're not going anywhere.
178
00:27:36,189 --> 00:27:38,899
So far from my dad.
179
00:27:42,819 --> 00:27:44,689
So far away from my father...
180
00:27:56,069 --> 00:27:57,399
I just want to...
181
00:28:06,899 --> 00:28:08,279
I love your hands.
182
00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:11,779
I love your voice.
183
00:28:14,069 --> 00:28:17,949
It's my dad and my brother who have the real votes.
184
00:28:19,149 --> 00:28:21,319
I always hear them in my head.
185
00:28:22,449 --> 00:28:23,449
Is that true?
186
00:28:25,399 --> 00:28:26,689
What do they say?
187
00:28:30,949 --> 00:28:32,949
They just sing "Amazing Grace."
188
00:28:37,279 --> 00:28:38,819
Voices of God.
189
00:28:40,029 --> 00:28:41,279
Fuck me.
190
00:29:00,689 --> 00:29:01,949
Poor Philip.
191
00:29:04,819 --> 00:29:07,069
I wish I could go back and apologize.
192
00:29:31,949 --> 00:29:34,569
Fuck you all!
193
00:29:34,899 --> 00:29:36,949
Eat me!
194
00:29:42,779 --> 00:29:45,689
He's just a regular James Taylor.
195
00:29:46,149 --> 00:29:49,189
who sings with all their heart here in Texas!
196
00:29:51,069 --> 00:29:52,819
And sometimes I wonder
197
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If you ever think of me
198
00:30:03,689 --> 00:30:06,569
This world may never change
199
00:30:10,069 --> 00:30:13,069
As it has been
200
00:30:16,949 --> 00:30:19,449
And I know that peace will come
201
00:30:25,779 --> 00:30:28,279
Why do you always do that, Lidia?
202
00:30:34,779 --> 00:30:36,399
It's fun. Come on!
203
00:30:36,569 --> 00:30:38,569
It's fun! You know it.
204
00:30:43,149 --> 00:30:44,949
You are...such a pussy!
205
00:30:45,649 --> 00:30:47,649
Come on, learn to take...
206
00:30:48,279 --> 00:30:50,399
...just kidding. You're so fucking sensitive.
207
00:30:54,449 --> 00:30:57,399
This is probably one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen.
208
00:31:01,689 --> 00:31:06,069
This is what... This is what I'm talking about.
209
00:31:06,649 --> 00:31:09,449
It's like talking to a fucking doorknob.
210
00:31:10,029 --> 00:31:12,449
Why don't you say something? Please, say anything.
211
00:31:13,189 --> 00:31:16,689
I'm a fucking idiot, so why aren't you doing anything about it?
212
00:31:22,689 --> 00:31:24,149
You are not a jerk.
213
00:31:27,319 --> 00:31:29,069
Damn you, Philip!
214
00:31:31,149 --> 00:31:33,899
You don't even fucking know me.
215
00:31:58,149 --> 00:32:03,449
Phillip means "horse lover".
216
00:32:05,069 --> 00:32:06,279
Damn it.
217
00:32:07,569 --> 00:32:08,899
Or "brotherhood".
218
00:32:20,569 --> 00:32:22,899
Wake up, you fucking piece of shit!
219
00:32:39,649 --> 00:32:42,399
Hey, Lids. Do you want to get out of here?
220
00:32:42,689 --> 00:32:45,069
She's okay. I'll drive her back.
221
00:32:50,569 --> 00:32:52,569
Listen, close the door there.
222
00:32:53,399 --> 00:32:55,319
Just close the damn door!
223
00:32:57,649 --> 00:32:59,569
I haven't seen you at practice.
224
00:33:00,399 --> 00:33:02,029
Yes, I got kicked out.
225
00:33:04,319 --> 00:33:05,529
It's quiet.
226
00:33:18,529 --> 00:33:21,319
I can still feel my face.
227
00:33:32,569 --> 00:33:34,819
The addiction is clearly in me.
228
00:33:36,649 --> 00:33:38,449
But I want to describe something else to you.
229
00:33:40,449 --> 00:33:41,449
Something smaller.
230
00:33:44,449 --> 00:33:46,029
It's a smaller word.
231
00:33:47,449 --> 00:33:48,529
Mother?
232
00:33:51,399 --> 00:33:54,149
So small that it can travel in the bloodstream.
233
00:33:59,279 --> 00:34:00,569
Get out of here, Belle.
234
00:34:16,569 --> 00:34:17,949
Get out of here, Belle.
235
00:34:28,449 --> 00:34:29,449
Stay away.
236
00:34:31,689 --> 00:34:33,689
This is not for you.
237
00:34:35,819 --> 00:34:37,899
I'm not going to talk about anything.
238
00:34:40,069 --> 00:34:42,189
I'm not going to talk about anything.
239
00:34:52,069 --> 00:34:53,949
I'm not going to talk about anything.
240
00:35:01,069 --> 00:35:02,069
Dorothy?
241
00:35:04,689 --> 00:35:05,899
Come on. Get up.
242
00:35:33,949 --> 00:35:35,399
I'm sorry!
243
00:35:41,779 --> 00:35:42,899
I'm sorry.
244
00:35:46,819 --> 00:35:47,819
Yes. Lydia...
245
00:35:49,529 --> 00:35:51,189
You can talk to us.
246
00:35:52,029 --> 00:35:53,189
That helps.
247
00:35:54,279 --> 00:35:55,569
Trust me.
248
00:36:10,899 --> 00:36:13,149
I'm not going to talk about anything.
249
00:36:14,949 --> 00:36:16,399
I always want to say... Yes.
250
00:36:19,779 --> 00:36:23,949
Finding meaning in the traffic of life
251
00:36:24,069 --> 00:36:27,399
by clearing spiritual barriers.
252
00:36:52,319 --> 00:36:53,819
I am proud of you.
253
00:36:56,189 --> 00:36:57,279
Do you know?
254
00:37:01,029 --> 00:37:02,029
Yes.
255
00:37:19,819 --> 00:37:21,569
Will you marry me?
256
00:37:52,949 --> 00:37:56,279
And children have their dreams
257
00:37:56,819 --> 00:37:59,189
To hold on to
258
00:38:02,069 --> 00:38:04,279
And how they fly
259
00:38:04,649 --> 00:38:07,569
Takes us to the moon
260
00:38:09,189 --> 00:38:13,569
Yes, they flow from you
261
00:38:14,569 --> 00:38:17,399
They flow from you.
262
00:38:19,319 --> 00:38:23,319
And they flow from you
263
00:38:25,649 --> 00:38:30,779
And women have themselves to hold on to
264
00:38:34,399 --> 00:38:39,399
And the way they fly surprises me
265
00:38:41,569 --> 00:38:43,949
They flow from me
266
00:38:45,689 --> 00:38:49,189
They flow from me
267
00:38:51,189 --> 00:38:54,649
And they flow from me
268
00:39:27,399 --> 00:39:29,949
Grandma, you were so talented.
269
00:39:30,069 --> 00:39:32,069
You were so talented!
270
00:39:58,819 --> 00:40:03,189
-I made you some tea. -I don't want any tea. What should we do?
271
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Lidia...
272
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I love you.
273
00:40:12,069 --> 00:40:15,689
And whatever you want to do, I will support it.
274
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Was that all?
275
00:40:26,529 --> 00:40:28,949
I need more than anything
276
00:40:29,149 --> 00:40:32,189
from the most passive man on this fucking planet!
277
00:40:47,949 --> 00:40:50,029
Sorry, I've been a little sick.
278
00:40:54,819 --> 00:41:00,529
You don't want anything, and you're killing me by not wanting anything!
279
00:41:01,149 --> 00:41:03,449
-What were you thinking? -I don't know.
280
00:41:03,949 --> 00:41:07,149
I don't know. I don't know. It's fucking impossible!
281
00:41:07,529 --> 00:41:10,149
I can't stand how nice he is. I just can't stand it!
282
00:41:10,319 --> 00:41:12,689
I can't stand his kindness.
283
00:41:13,319 --> 00:41:16,069
But I couldn't have finished it either.
284
00:41:18,399 --> 00:41:24,569
I thought maybe there was a world where I...
285
00:41:25,449 --> 00:41:28,819
...comes and lives with you
286
00:41:28,949 --> 00:41:32,819
in Eugene and taking some courses that you teach.
287
00:41:33,399 --> 00:41:36,449
I don't know. Maybe we can form a little...
288
00:41:39,069 --> 00:41:40,189
...family.
289
00:41:46,069 --> 00:41:51,689
Because I think my life with him is going to be a sad fucking country song.
290
00:41:53,449 --> 00:41:55,449
-And this is the only thing... -Lidia, I said yes.
291
00:41:56,949 --> 00:41:58,279
Come home.
292
00:42:03,319 --> 00:42:04,449
Okay.
293
00:42:07,529 --> 00:42:08,529
Nice.
294
00:42:10,949 --> 00:42:13,069
Because she left me once
295
00:42:14,189 --> 00:42:15,949
to save his own life.
296
00:42:24,899 --> 00:42:27,069
What are you two doing back there? Are you playing with yourselves?
297
00:42:29,689 --> 00:42:33,649
What then? I'll take them to the most beautiful landscape in the world
298
00:42:34,399 --> 00:42:35,949
and they're just playing tricks.
299
00:42:38,899 --> 00:42:40,899
Look out that damn window!
300
00:42:58,819 --> 00:43:03,779
Claudia, grab the hacksaw under your mom's seat.
301
00:43:03,949 --> 00:43:05,689
Come on! Let's go.
302
00:43:30,819 --> 00:43:32,649
Go ahead, old man.
303
00:43:33,029 --> 00:43:34,319
As food.
304
00:43:35,449 --> 00:43:37,149
As food.
305
00:43:39,279 --> 00:43:40,449
Don't you want it?
306
00:43:48,189 --> 00:43:50,689
Come on, old lady. Just a little sip to warm you up.
307
00:44:22,949 --> 00:44:24,449
Thank you, God!
308
00:44:32,189 --> 00:44:33,569
Where is the Christmas tree?
309
00:44:45,689 --> 00:44:46,689
Where.
310
00:44:47,779 --> 00:44:49,529
That's the picture.
311
00:44:58,949 --> 00:45:00,319
Welcome home.
312
00:45:06,189 --> 00:45:08,149
Come in. I'll take that one.
313
00:45:09,149 --> 00:45:11,029
-Because I'm pregnant? -Yes.
314
00:45:37,399 --> 00:45:38,399
Here.
315
00:45:38,899 --> 00:45:39,899
Tack.
316
00:45:44,689 --> 00:45:45,689
It was like hell.
317
00:45:53,449 --> 00:45:54,689
Thank you, Claudia.
318
00:46:04,029 --> 00:46:07,149
Remember when you used to make me do things?
319
00:46:09,569 --> 00:46:10,689
Seam...
320
00:46:11,529 --> 00:46:14,529
"Here. Bite into this apple."
321
00:46:14,819 --> 00:46:16,319
Push it into my mouth.
322
00:46:18,899 --> 00:46:22,689
-"Here. Smell this ashtray." -"Just blow on it. One, two..."
323
00:46:23,569 --> 00:46:25,279
Ash all over my fucking face.
324
00:46:30,569 --> 00:46:32,149
I would have done anything.
325
00:46:36,899 --> 00:46:38,899
You were fabulous in my eyes.
326
00:46:43,399 --> 00:46:45,779
I remember when I went downstairs after you moved into the basement.
327
00:46:47,569 --> 00:46:52,189
I didn't realize how smart it was at the time, but...
328
00:46:54,189 --> 00:46:58,399
I used to look at all your stuff and touch it.
329
00:47:00,189 --> 00:47:02,949
I once found a razor blade in your purse.
330
00:47:03,149 --> 00:47:04,149
I cut myself on it.
331
00:47:05,319 --> 00:47:08,069
It made it sting when I pee.
332
00:47:25,449 --> 00:47:30,689
I know this is a...sacrifice.
333
00:47:32,189 --> 00:47:33,189
The best.
334
00:47:35,399 --> 00:47:36,649
That's just it...
335
00:47:39,069 --> 00:47:40,689
You were so small.
336
00:47:57,949 --> 00:48:01,319
This is a way to piece together your life.
337
00:48:09,819 --> 00:48:13,069
I may have been waiting for this.
338
00:48:40,399 --> 00:48:41,449
Breathe.
339
00:48:43,649 --> 00:48:44,779
I know.
340
00:48:47,069 --> 00:48:48,529
Come on. Come on.
341
00:48:50,649 --> 00:48:52,449
Of...
342
00:48:53,319 --> 00:48:54,449
...can do this.
343
00:49:40,399 --> 00:49:41,819
Can I hold her?
344
00:49:43,649 --> 00:49:44,649
Sure.
345
00:49:48,449 --> 00:49:51,069
Just a moment. We're just clearing out...
346
00:50:15,569 --> 00:50:17,189
Her lips are pink.
347
00:50:20,029 --> 00:50:21,279
They are pink.
348
00:51:40,279 --> 00:51:42,399
Just throw it as far as you can.
349
00:52:07,449 --> 00:52:08,819
It's not fun.
350
00:52:13,069 --> 00:52:14,069
Download it.
351
00:53:07,449 --> 00:53:08,569
Sorry.
352
00:53:47,449 --> 00:53:50,399
Look. She's all over you.
353
00:53:52,189 --> 00:53:54,529
You're laughing for the hell of it.
354
00:54:27,949 --> 00:54:30,529
What lived and died between us
355
00:54:32,319 --> 00:54:33,319
still haunts me.
356
00:54:33,529 --> 00:54:34,949
II. UNDER THE BLUE
357
00:54:39,779 --> 00:54:43,189
Oh my god, girl! Are you some kind of mermaid, or what?
358
00:54:45,319 --> 00:54:46,319
Yep.
359
00:54:51,689 --> 00:54:53,029
Do you have something to say?
360
00:54:55,069 --> 00:54:56,149
Forget it.
361
00:54:58,569 --> 00:55:02,819
Come on. You deserve this.
362
00:55:02,949 --> 00:55:04,279
Don't you want to come with me?
363
00:55:05,189 --> 00:55:09,469
I'm not even a student. I just hang out in the English department.
364
00:55:09,569 --> 00:55:12,819
Do you think Kesey cares about university rules?
365
00:55:12,949 --> 00:55:16,649
-You'll regret it if you don't. -They don't even want to enroll me.
366
00:55:17,399 --> 00:55:19,689
Bullshit! I already told him about you.
367
00:55:22,149 --> 00:55:23,149
These...
368
00:55:26,069 --> 00:55:27,689
He will love you.
369
00:55:32,819 --> 00:55:35,319
Don't you want to write a novel with Ken Kesey?
370
00:55:56,399 --> 00:55:59,779
Hello, everyone. Hello, everyone.
371
00:56:03,689 --> 00:56:04,689
You are an idiot.
372
00:56:06,319 --> 00:56:07,899
Hello, this is Lidia.
373
00:56:09,819 --> 00:56:11,649
-Say hello. -Hello.
374
00:56:14,449 --> 00:56:15,819
Hello there.
375
00:56:16,449 --> 00:56:17,819
What do we have here?
376
00:56:18,399 --> 00:56:20,189
A naughty kid with top grades?
377
00:56:23,529 --> 00:56:25,189
I know what happened to you.
378
00:56:28,949 --> 00:56:30,819
Death is too fucking bad.
379
00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:43,949
Damn too.
380
00:56:44,779 --> 00:56:49,069
Jeff, can you roll one? I hate sitting in a room full of writers.
381
00:57:00,399 --> 00:57:02,279
The chair will do.
382
00:57:03,449 --> 00:57:05,279
I want you all to...
383
00:57:11,149 --> 00:57:17,569
I want you all to be winners. I want you to be warriors.
384
00:57:18,399 --> 00:57:22,589
Warrior. I will give you the warrior test.
385
00:57:22,689 --> 00:57:25,189
Shit flows. Cream rises.
386
00:57:26,069 --> 00:57:29,689
Shit is flowing. Jerry Rubin.
387
00:57:31,189 --> 00:57:32,689
Cream rises.
388
00:57:40,399 --> 00:57:41,529
Ferlinghetti.
389
00:57:44,319 --> 00:57:45,569
Lord Buckley.
390
00:57:46,449 --> 00:57:47,819
Lenny Bruce.
391
00:57:48,819 --> 00:57:49,949
The big ones.
392
00:57:52,069 --> 00:57:54,069
I want you to grow up.
393
00:57:56,189 --> 00:57:57,689
Damn, for some reason...
394
00:57:58,819 --> 00:58:01,779
...must shape our culture for the next 50 years
395
00:58:01,949 --> 00:58:05,189
and I want it to be you. There are only two rules. One:
396
00:58:05,569 --> 00:58:09,069
Don't talk about the plot of our novel.
397
00:58:09,189 --> 00:58:11,529
with someone who is not in this class.
398
00:58:11,949 --> 00:58:15,189
Two: I make up 50 percent of the class,
399
00:58:15,569 --> 00:58:18,449
so we just write together,
400
00:58:19,449 --> 00:58:23,569
because we will give out or perish together.
401
00:58:29,899 --> 00:58:31,649
Nelson Algren on:
402
00:58:33,189 --> 00:58:34,949
"The author's task
403
00:58:36,069 --> 00:58:39,189
is to drag the judge down to the dock,
404
00:58:40,189 --> 00:58:44,949
"to make the Almighty feel what it's like to be far down."
405
00:58:46,819 --> 00:58:48,189
He'll be fine.
406
00:58:49,689 --> 00:58:51,649
Grass has never killed anyone.
407
00:58:52,819 --> 00:58:54,529
So go now.
408
00:58:56,189 --> 00:59:00,319
All at once. Write some bizarre sentences.
409
00:59:01,529 --> 00:59:02,689
Hey! Where are you somewhere?
410
00:59:03,529 --> 00:59:06,149
Do not take sedatives before class.
411
00:59:07,569 --> 00:59:10,029
Now get lost in your imagination. Come on!
412
00:59:10,569 --> 00:59:15,279
Get lost in your imagination. No one is in the room except you and the pen.
413
00:59:19,449 --> 00:59:20,689
Better.
414
00:59:23,149 --> 00:59:26,319
Here it is. This is awful.
415
00:59:30,899 --> 00:59:32,319
I wrote "Demon Box" here.
416
00:59:34,069 --> 00:59:37,589
This room is a creative room. It's a creative place.
417
00:59:37,689 --> 00:59:41,299
Listen, Bennett. You didn't bring any tranquilizers, did you?
418
00:59:41,399 --> 00:59:46,319
Those types of drugs settle in the body, not in the head.
419
00:59:46,899 --> 00:59:50,449
Stick to LSD, psilocybin, San Pedro.
420
00:59:51,069 --> 00:59:55,449
Something that can break down your ego so you can hear your inner voice.
421
00:59:56,949 --> 00:59:59,319
And you write from that voice.
422
01:00:01,449 --> 01:00:04,149
You want your voice to be heard.
423
01:00:09,069 --> 01:00:10,069
Crikey...
424
01:00:12,899 --> 01:00:14,649
It's not meant to happen.
425
01:00:15,689 --> 01:00:17,649
I have wrestler's knee.
426
01:00:19,649 --> 01:00:20,649
Okay.
427
01:00:21,319 --> 01:00:23,949
Let's go out before the sun goes down.
428
01:00:24,319 --> 01:00:25,569
I want you to...
429
01:00:27,149 --> 01:00:29,149
...to meet someone.
430
01:00:32,189 --> 01:00:33,189
Come on!
431
01:00:34,319 --> 01:00:35,449
Damn you, God!
432
01:00:36,569 --> 01:00:40,069
God made a mistake with the commandments. I believe there is an eleventh.
433
01:00:40,189 --> 01:00:43,069
And that should be the first commandment. Have mercy.
434
01:00:43,279 --> 01:00:45,279
Lord, have mercy!
435
01:00:45,779 --> 01:00:48,689
Imagine if everyone was merciful to each other where we would be today.
436
01:00:49,449 --> 01:00:52,819
You see a man on the street who needs some money. Give it to him.
437
01:00:53,029 --> 01:00:54,819
Be merciful. He needs it.
438
01:00:55,949 --> 01:00:58,449
He wouldn't ask for it if he didn't need it.
439
01:00:59,949 --> 01:01:01,189
Mercy.
440
01:01:02,899 --> 01:01:06,949
They will have to hire me to rewrite the Bible.
441
01:01:28,649 --> 01:01:30,819
What are you, some kind of mermaid?
442
01:01:40,029 --> 01:01:41,029
Yep.
443
01:01:53,529 --> 01:01:55,689
You know, when Judd died, my boy,
444
01:01:57,029 --> 01:01:59,319
then I wanted to cease to exist.
445
01:02:07,569 --> 01:02:11,569
And everyone who talked to me said something idiotic.
446
01:02:14,949 --> 01:02:17,319
Or nothing at all.
447
01:02:31,399 --> 01:02:33,899
Nobody understands death these days.
448
01:02:38,319 --> 01:02:41,949
It used to be holy. So holy.
449
01:02:46,529 --> 01:02:52,569
Hell too. No one is big enough to bear what happens to us.
450
01:02:56,189 --> 01:03:01,949
No one is big enough to bear what happens to us.
451
01:03:07,319 --> 01:03:08,949
Do you have something to say?
452
01:03:17,569 --> 01:03:19,189
It is in your hands.
453
01:03:42,949 --> 01:03:46,069
Everything that concerned my father was in his hands.
454
01:03:51,689 --> 01:03:54,279
It's all about coordination.
455
01:03:56,279 --> 01:03:59,189
A perfectly balanced dance.
456
01:03:59,319 --> 01:04:01,189
Of shadow and light.
457
01:04:02,449 --> 01:04:05,069
Before my dad was my dad
458
01:04:05,529 --> 01:04:07,069
was he an artist.
459
01:04:07,279 --> 01:04:12,319
Your dad won an award for this drawing.
460
01:04:15,069 --> 01:04:17,689
Before my dad was an artist
461
01:04:18,149 --> 01:04:19,779
was he an athlete.
462
01:04:21,569 --> 01:04:24,189
Before my dad was my dad...
463
01:04:26,819 --> 01:04:28,449
...he was beautiful.
464
01:04:29,069 --> 01:04:30,449
And she was there.
465
01:04:31,029 --> 01:04:33,649
Before my dad was my dad
466
01:04:34,399 --> 01:04:35,899
was he a boy.
467
01:04:36,279 --> 01:04:37,649
Just a boy
468
01:04:38,189 --> 01:04:42,349
whose mother cut out his tongue.
469
01:04:48,069 --> 01:04:50,149
Before I hated him
470
01:04:51,569 --> 01:04:53,069
I loved him.
471
01:04:58,949 --> 01:05:02,449
Look up. If you don't look where you're going, you'll fall, understand?
472
01:05:02,649 --> 01:05:06,119
At the end of the hill, you brake just enough to make a turn. Okay?
473
01:05:11,029 --> 01:05:13,569
Drive. Keep your eyes on the road!
474
01:05:14,069 --> 01:05:15,149
Continue.
475
01:05:16,069 --> 01:05:17,189
Keep your head up!
476
01:05:22,189 --> 01:05:24,819
Eyes on the road. You have to brake!
477
01:05:30,069 --> 01:05:31,149
Mike!
478
01:05:33,949 --> 01:05:36,069
-Get a flashlight! -Why?
479
01:05:36,279 --> 01:05:38,319
I think she's hurt down there. She's bleeding.
480
01:05:39,319 --> 01:05:41,569
-What happened? -Just close the damn door!
481
01:05:43,529 --> 01:05:45,399
Are you finished with the chapter?
482
01:06:00,819 --> 01:06:04,149
All I was, was my bleeding body
483
01:06:14,319 --> 01:06:15,569
Hello there!
484
01:06:20,569 --> 01:06:22,149
I am a writer.
485
01:06:37,319 --> 01:06:38,529
Tack.
486
01:06:41,069 --> 01:06:45,069
We are gathered here because we want to see the result.
487
01:06:45,189 --> 01:06:49,529
We want to witness the results of this experiment,
488
01:06:50,149 --> 01:06:52,069
a collaborative novel
489
01:06:52,449 --> 01:06:54,949
written by us.
490
01:06:55,399 --> 01:07:01,719
So let's welcome the first of the not-so-happy pranksters to the stage.
491
01:07:02,069 --> 01:07:05,319
to present "Caverns".
492
01:07:06,189 --> 01:07:08,189
Lydia, come up.
493
01:07:11,649 --> 01:07:12,949
It will go smoothly.
494
01:07:35,319 --> 01:07:37,319
My thigh behind my knee...
495
01:07:37,529 --> 01:07:40,369
You too? My asshole.
496
01:07:40,529 --> 01:07:43,949
-The back of my knees, and they are... -Lidia's dad.
497
01:07:44,779 --> 01:07:47,449
What can I say? I'm a big fan.
498
01:07:47,819 --> 01:07:49,529
Mike, right?
499
01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:51,399
Yes, that's right.
500
01:07:51,949 --> 01:07:53,819
Nice that you could come.
501
01:07:54,689 --> 01:08:00,529
Lidia and I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Hard to Get Hard together,
502
01:08:00,689 --> 01:08:02,569
and it's just brilliant. I mean, brilliant books.
503
01:08:05,319 --> 01:08:06,649
You know, Mike...
504
01:08:08,029 --> 01:08:09,189
Lydia here...
505
01:08:11,319 --> 01:08:13,399
She can score a goal.
506
01:08:17,399 --> 01:08:19,449
Do you want me to sign it?
507
01:08:23,569 --> 01:08:25,069
Thanks for coming, Dad.
508
01:08:32,449 --> 01:08:35,069
Till...Mike?
509
01:08:36,069 --> 01:08:37,189
Would love to.
510
01:08:38,949 --> 01:08:40,029
"Till Mike."
511
01:08:40,949 --> 01:08:42,029
"Our...
512
01:08:44,279 --> 01:08:45,399
...brave."
513
01:08:55,149 --> 01:08:56,279
Go ahead, Mike.
514
01:09:01,029 --> 01:09:02,189
-Here you go, friend. -Yep.
515
01:09:24,899 --> 01:09:27,569
I have seen many writers come and go.
516
01:09:31,189 --> 01:09:32,819
You have what it takes.
517
01:09:39,149 --> 01:09:40,689
I have something for you.
518
01:09:41,319 --> 01:09:42,319
Here.
519
01:09:44,069 --> 01:09:45,189
Here you go.
520
01:09:48,069 --> 01:09:51,569
It comes from the most spiritual beach on earth.
521
01:09:53,069 --> 01:09:54,069
Hold it.
522
01:09:56,279 --> 01:09:57,899
You can keep everything.
523
01:10:00,899 --> 01:10:02,779
You will hold it all, girl.
524
01:10:09,649 --> 01:10:10,689
So...
525
01:10:12,189 --> 01:10:13,569
What happens next?
526
01:10:16,689 --> 01:10:19,069
-Next? -Next. What's next?
527
01:10:19,279 --> 01:10:20,279
Next.
528
01:10:28,449 --> 01:10:30,779
I want to write "The Storm and the Fury."
529
01:10:42,319 --> 01:10:44,399
Of course you want it, friend.
530
01:10:45,949 --> 01:10:47,149
Oh, gosh...
531
01:10:52,689 --> 01:10:55,569
-Throw it and see if I can catch it. -Ready?
532
01:10:57,029 --> 01:10:58,189
Damn too!
533
01:11:02,279 --> 01:11:04,949
Everything depended on whether it would go in.
534
01:11:08,449 --> 01:11:10,689
It has no metaphor.
535
01:11:11,949 --> 01:11:14,029
-Okay. -Damn metaphors.
536
01:11:14,779 --> 01:11:16,819
-Okay. -It's just a rock that fell.
537
01:11:26,149 --> 01:11:29,319
-I'm going to get the stone and go pee. -Sure.
538
01:11:30,819 --> 01:11:32,649
That's right, yes! You fix it.
539
01:11:36,319 --> 01:11:38,649
That was the last time I saw him.
540
01:11:39,449 --> 01:11:41,189
You can write, girl!
541
01:11:41,569 --> 01:11:44,689
In my opinion, he drowned.
542
01:11:47,319 --> 01:11:51,649
III. THE WET
543
01:11:51,819 --> 01:11:55,589
Caddie wants to fuck. She's insatiable,
544
01:11:55,689 --> 01:11:59,689
and because the guy next door has a huge bulge in his pants
545
01:11:59,819 --> 01:12:02,399
and a sound coming out of him instead of language,
546
01:12:02,569 --> 01:12:05,819
She goes over to him and takes off all her clothes,
547
01:12:06,029 --> 01:12:08,319
so he finally fucks her
548
01:12:09,029 --> 01:12:10,779
and crushes her.
549
01:12:12,649 --> 01:12:16,819
He fucks her to death, and she loves it!
550
01:12:17,569 --> 01:12:20,689
She laughs until she cries and an ambulance has to come.
551
01:12:20,899 --> 01:12:22,649
But it's too late.
552
01:12:23,649 --> 01:12:25,569
It's "The Storm and the Fury".
553
01:12:27,149 --> 01:12:28,149
Banal.
554
01:12:29,569 --> 01:12:32,069
I have already read "The Storm and the Fury".
555
01:12:32,689 --> 01:12:35,529
Reworking Faulkner is just college crap.
556
01:12:40,189 --> 01:12:41,819
Maybe try something original.
557
01:12:44,949 --> 01:12:47,949
God, I hate them.
558
01:12:49,649 --> 01:12:51,529
What the hell does he know?
559
01:12:51,949 --> 01:12:55,319
It's original. It's a fucking pastiche.
560
01:12:59,399 --> 01:13:01,769
Hey, do you want to go to the coast? I got us a room.
561
01:13:01,949 --> 01:13:02,949
Hi, Hannah.
562
01:13:03,319 --> 01:13:07,319
-We're actually going to work on these this weekend. -Come on. Your fly is open.
563
01:13:08,569 --> 01:13:09,569
Lids...
564
01:13:10,819 --> 01:13:12,189
What is that?
565
01:13:16,569 --> 01:13:18,029
Do it if you dare.
566
01:13:20,649 --> 01:13:21,649
Come on.
567
01:13:22,689 --> 01:13:23,949
Something.
568
01:13:24,899 --> 01:13:26,189
At any time.
569
01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:28,189
Anywhere.
570
01:13:28,949 --> 01:13:29,949
-Please, be careful. -Anything. Anytime. Anywhere.
571
01:13:30,029 --> 01:13:33,069
To feel absolutely nothing.
572
01:13:37,649 --> 01:13:41,279
-I'm going to get some firewood. -Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
573
01:14:04,319 --> 01:14:05,949
Is this some kind of...
574
01:14:07,569 --> 01:14:09,069
...a fucking trip?
575
01:14:14,149 --> 01:14:15,149
And?
576
01:14:17,449 --> 01:14:19,779
I've never... I've never liked pussy.
577
01:15:29,069 --> 01:15:31,279
I wanted to stay there.
578
01:15:40,569 --> 01:15:42,899
Beyond all words.
579
01:15:48,279 --> 01:15:50,819
Inside the nameless wet.
580
01:16:18,569 --> 01:16:19,899
Are you okay?
581
01:17:06,819 --> 01:17:08,529
I love you, Lids.
582
01:17:19,279 --> 01:17:20,819
I really love you.
583
01:17:43,949 --> 01:17:45,069
See you later.
584
01:17:59,319 --> 01:18:00,569
In water,
585
01:18:01,949 --> 01:18:03,449
like in books,
586
01:18:06,949 --> 01:18:08,569
can you leave your life?
587
01:18:31,029 --> 01:18:32,069
I took it! I took it.
588
01:18:33,029 --> 01:18:35,399
-I remember a happy childhood. -Come on, come on!
589
01:18:36,949 --> 01:18:40,949
-We dive, we swim, we compete. -You were fast that time.
590
01:18:41,149 --> 01:18:43,819
We laugh like other people's children.
591
01:18:53,279 --> 01:18:57,189
I remember first and last names like Evie Kosenkranius
592
01:18:57,319 --> 01:18:58,819
and Lynn Colella-Bell.
593
01:18:59,029 --> 01:19:00,689
Lynn Colella-Bell. Lynn Colella-Bell. Lynn Colella-Bell.
594
01:19:05,569 --> 01:19:07,899
Make song loops in my head.
595
01:19:33,029 --> 01:19:34,449
Glandular fever?
596
01:19:35,449 --> 01:19:37,279
Isn't that the kissing bug?
597
01:19:41,819 --> 01:19:43,189
No. Don't be stupid.
598
01:19:46,279 --> 01:19:50,289
Everything will be okay, Belle. You'll see. You'll feel better.
599
01:19:53,819 --> 01:19:56,189
And your dad will take good care of you.
600
01:19:58,319 --> 01:20:00,069
-Are you sure you want to? -We'll be fine.
601
01:20:00,319 --> 01:20:02,569
Mom is going to go sell some houses.
602
01:20:05,569 --> 01:20:06,819
Hey, old lady.
603
01:20:12,569 --> 01:20:14,069
My little girl.
604
01:20:15,069 --> 01:20:17,279
In a few days it will be over.
605
01:20:23,649 --> 01:20:26,189
-Language allows me to express... -That's right, yes.
606
01:20:26,819 --> 01:20:29,529
...how four weeks can be years.
607
01:20:32,029 --> 01:20:36,069
It is the malleable surface of a white page.
608
01:21:15,779 --> 01:21:17,819
Have you shown these to anyone?
609
01:21:20,529 --> 01:21:21,529
The best.
610
01:21:29,779 --> 01:21:32,029
Skin, scars...
611
01:21:35,029 --> 01:21:39,949
People always ask me why my work is so dark.
612
01:21:42,189 --> 01:21:44,649
What do you know about pain, Lidia?
613
01:21:49,949 --> 01:21:50,949
I know
614
01:21:53,319 --> 01:21:55,319
that it matters to me.
615
01:21:57,779 --> 01:21:59,689
I'll take care of you.
616
01:22:03,899 --> 01:22:05,149
Do you understand?
617
01:22:11,029 --> 01:22:13,069
Ask me what you want now.
618
01:22:21,399 --> 01:22:23,189
That's not true, angel.
619
01:22:28,029 --> 01:22:29,149
I...
620
01:22:30,319 --> 01:22:33,189
...wants you to...
621
01:22:37,449 --> 01:22:39,689
Knock it out of me.
622
01:22:45,689 --> 01:22:47,029
...whip me.
623
01:22:48,449 --> 01:22:52,899
Where do you want to be whipped, angel?
624
01:22:56,779 --> 01:22:57,779
Everywhere.
625
01:23:03,779 --> 01:23:05,449
Take it somewhere.
626
01:23:08,689 --> 01:23:10,569
Take the pain somewhere.
627
01:23:17,319 --> 01:23:18,529
Mother.
628
01:23:29,069 --> 01:23:30,779
I am proud of you.
629
01:23:42,529 --> 01:23:44,819
I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable.
630
01:23:52,779 --> 01:23:54,569
I try to be precise.
631
01:24:00,949 --> 01:24:04,029
IV. REVIVALS
632
01:24:04,189 --> 01:24:06,919
"Then mom whined, dad smelled my pussy.
633
01:24:07,149 --> 01:24:08,949
"My finest hour has arrived," he explained.
634
01:24:09,149 --> 01:24:12,319
I was sure what he meant. It's the moment of truth.
635
01:24:12,449 --> 01:24:14,449
I go on, on, on, jerk off.
636
01:24:14,649 --> 01:24:17,689
My hands are going to break. I don't even recognize my body.
637
01:24:17,819 --> 01:24:20,819
Doesn't matter. I know you're mine. I made you, I'm making you.
638
01:24:21,029 --> 01:24:25,429
I swore to live for pleasure. My tongue is huge. It reaches down to my waist.
639
01:24:25,689 --> 01:24:28,449
You see your real father in his moment of truth.
640
01:24:28,649 --> 01:24:31,779
Almighty God, nothing matters. You are my God, my daughter.
641
01:24:31,949 --> 01:24:34,279
I worship you. Make it so I can satisfy you. Look at it.
642
01:24:34,449 --> 01:24:37,649
It's big in my corkscrew hand. Kiss it.
643
01:24:37,819 --> 01:24:41,189
My father explained again, I am God and I created God. Goddammit!
644
01:24:41,319 --> 01:24:45,189
Just look at God and he is happy because I made him come.
645
01:24:45,319 --> 01:24:48,279
God is in heaven. I am in heaven and I have died.
646
01:24:48,449 --> 01:24:50,689
I'm coming all over your face. I licked up his cum.
647
01:24:50,819 --> 01:24:52,279
-This disgusts me.
648
01:25:05,449 --> 01:25:08,529
ALLEGORIES OF VIOLENCE
649
01:25:12,069 --> 01:25:13,949
Who the hell do you think you are?
650
01:25:16,569 --> 01:25:18,279
My father's daughter.
651
01:25:27,069 --> 01:25:30,029
I am a woman who talks to herself in lies.
652
01:25:59,949 --> 01:26:01,319
Damn it.
653
01:26:02,189 --> 01:26:03,189
Year one.
654
01:26:03,529 --> 01:26:04,689
Vodka!
655
01:26:07,279 --> 01:26:10,189
I drink vodka, mostly all the time.
656
01:26:10,399 --> 01:26:14,279
-A shot straight in, straight in. -And felt nothing about myself.
657
01:26:18,069 --> 01:26:22,779
We drink, we laugh, we fuck. We make fucking body paint shadows.
658
01:26:24,779 --> 01:26:27,189
We do performance art. We perform ourselves.
659
01:26:27,399 --> 01:26:29,569
Damn you, God!
660
01:26:37,449 --> 01:26:38,779
Open the door!
661
01:26:40,689 --> 01:26:42,819
Carving each other's names into our arms.
662
01:26:43,029 --> 01:26:44,689
I did it for you!
663
01:26:53,029 --> 01:26:54,189
We fuck infected.
664
01:26:54,399 --> 01:26:56,649
It was right in front of me, Devin. I saw exactly what happened.
665
01:26:56,819 --> 01:26:59,819
-You don't even understand. -What?!
666
01:26:59,949 --> 01:27:01,899
That I will marry you.
667
01:27:06,189 --> 01:27:07,649
For Mike and Dorothy!
668
01:27:08,689 --> 01:27:10,779
I'm so glad they fucked.
669
01:27:13,819 --> 01:27:19,069
To jump to year six when underwater stories start to rub off
670
01:27:19,449 --> 01:27:21,819
and screams start a rhythm where the drinking gets louder...
671
01:27:22,029 --> 01:27:25,399
Go and kiss women I know and don't know!
672
01:27:25,569 --> 01:27:27,649
What is a couple over time if not a replica?
673
01:27:27,819 --> 01:27:31,529
I'll give you a fucking retort. Your fucking bullshit is taking over the house!
674
01:27:31,689 --> 01:27:34,319
It was taking over the house.
675
01:28:01,319 --> 01:28:03,029
I don't want to fuck.
676
01:28:04,779 --> 01:28:06,529
I want to read.
677
01:28:08,449 --> 01:28:09,689
Damn you.
678
01:28:15,319 --> 01:28:17,149
I didn't want to drink.
679
01:28:19,449 --> 01:28:20,649
I wanted to write.
680
01:28:30,029 --> 01:28:32,149
What is a couple over time?
681
01:28:36,949 --> 01:28:39,449
Year seven. I finished my thesis.
682
01:28:45,779 --> 01:28:47,949
In year eight I earned a doctorate.
683
01:29:04,189 --> 01:29:05,279
Year ten.
684
01:29:06,449 --> 01:29:07,689
We pretend.
685
01:29:12,149 --> 01:29:13,319
You said
686
01:29:16,949 --> 01:29:19,319
that you would love me until I die.
687
01:29:24,069 --> 01:29:26,529
You said we would die together in love.
688
01:29:40,319 --> 01:29:42,189
You told me.
689
01:29:46,449 --> 01:29:47,899
Where are you?
690
01:29:54,689 --> 01:29:56,449
Where is the man?
691
01:30:12,449 --> 01:30:14,779
Who would love a woman like me?
692
01:30:58,149 --> 01:30:59,689
Don't dare.
693
01:32:45,189 --> 01:32:47,689
The date for your reading aloud is June 15, 1998.
694
01:33:01,449 --> 01:33:03,689
"The date of your reading aloud."
695
01:33:26,689 --> 01:33:27,689
What then?
696
01:33:51,779 --> 01:33:53,399
Welcome up...
697
01:33:58,689 --> 01:34:02,319
...reads an excerpt from his first collection of short stories "Her Other Mouths".
698
01:34:03,529 --> 01:34:05,189
Lidia Yuknavitch.
699
01:34:08,189 --> 01:34:09,949
Lidia, welcome up.
700
01:34:25,449 --> 01:34:27,569
"The day my daughter was born.
701
01:34:29,689 --> 01:34:31,689
After I held the future.
702
01:34:35,819 --> 01:34:37,319
Still-born.
703
01:34:40,689 --> 01:34:41,899
And pink.
704
01:34:46,899 --> 01:34:48,449
And rosy-lipped.
705
01:34:51,069 --> 01:34:54,319
And rose-lipped in my trembling arms.
706
01:34:54,899 --> 01:34:58,919
Small tragedies are hard to keep track of.
707
01:35:03,779 --> 01:35:07,189
Chronology convinces us that we are moving towards a real place.
708
01:35:07,319 --> 01:35:09,529
'Swimmers, in your places.'
709
01:35:11,069 --> 01:35:12,189
A gunshot.
710
01:35:12,689 --> 01:35:15,779
A gunshot released our tense flesh.
711
01:35:16,569 --> 01:35:21,419
Fathers were often untenable while the little women swam for their lives.
712
01:35:21,649 --> 01:35:22,819
'Swim.
713
01:35:24,279 --> 01:35:25,689
Swim!
714
01:35:26,189 --> 01:35:27,319
Hurry!
715
01:35:28,819 --> 01:35:30,319
Come on, honey.
716
01:35:31,649 --> 01:35:32,819
Harder.
717
01:35:33,279 --> 01:35:34,449
Harder!
718
01:35:35,029 --> 01:35:36,449
Faster!'
719
01:35:36,819 --> 01:35:39,689
A cacophony of men swelling
720
01:35:39,949 --> 01:35:43,319
and presses down against the wet movement.
721
01:35:45,189 --> 01:35:49,069
How many times did I slip into the chlorinated depths
722
01:35:50,029 --> 01:35:54,449
and secretly hoped to shed this worthless skin
723
01:35:54,689 --> 01:35:57,149
and get something out...
724
01:36:01,779 --> 01:36:03,189
...amphibious
725
01:36:05,319 --> 01:36:06,949
and genderless?
726
01:36:15,319 --> 01:36:16,399
The thing is
727
01:36:20,689 --> 01:36:24,189
that this thing about letting it all in
728
01:36:25,689 --> 01:36:28,569
and wait and see what comes out
729
01:36:31,689 --> 01:36:32,819
is scary
730
01:36:34,569 --> 01:36:35,819
and idiotic.
731
01:36:37,689 --> 01:36:41,279
And it's starting to piss me off.
732
01:36:41,449 --> 01:36:45,689
that I even have to think about it all.
733
01:36:46,569 --> 01:36:48,029
What I'm saying is...
734
01:36:52,569 --> 01:36:57,319
There's a woman in a room who's tired of looking down
735
01:36:59,949 --> 01:37:01,319
and bleed
736
01:37:03,779 --> 01:37:07,399
and endure, long and yearn
737
01:37:08,569 --> 01:37:11,949
and am tired of being open
738
01:37:12,689 --> 01:37:16,449
without hope of sewing itself together.
739
01:37:26,819 --> 01:37:29,529
It's not that I want it to disappear.
740
01:37:32,819 --> 01:37:33,899
That's just it.
741
01:37:34,949 --> 01:37:36,319
that I want...
742
01:37:36,779 --> 01:37:38,069
To want...
743
01:37:39,819 --> 01:37:42,949
...come from somewhere else.
744
01:37:48,779 --> 01:37:54,029
There are moments years apart that emerge with great power."
745
01:37:55,069 --> 01:37:56,649
-Remind me why we're here.
746
01:37:56,819 --> 01:37:59,449
-I thought it was your idea. -I came here with you.
747
01:38:05,149 --> 01:38:06,449
Delusion.
748
01:38:08,819 --> 01:38:11,069
Grown women are idiots.
749
01:38:12,319 --> 01:38:13,449
I don't know.
750
01:38:14,649 --> 01:38:15,949
She begged.
751
01:38:32,399 --> 01:38:33,529
Lydia! Lydia!
752
01:38:41,949 --> 01:38:42,849
-Turn him around.
753
01:38:42,949 --> 01:38:44,149
-Help me!
754
01:39:03,529 --> 01:39:04,689
"Kill.
755
01:39:06,189 --> 01:39:08,819
Or suck back the killing.
756
01:39:13,069 --> 01:39:14,649
And pump it in
757
01:39:15,689 --> 01:39:18,819
in the story of someone else.
758
01:39:22,149 --> 01:39:26,769
My father lost his memory from lack of oxygen that day.
759
01:39:30,949 --> 01:39:32,779
I didn't kill him.
760
01:39:34,819 --> 01:39:36,449
I didn't save him.
761
01:39:38,149 --> 01:39:41,689
"I'm learning to live on land."
762
01:39:50,689 --> 01:39:52,279
Thank you for...
763
01:40:07,819 --> 01:40:10,949
Have your parents read the story? What do they think about it?
764
01:40:11,149 --> 01:40:13,399
Have a great time in New York. Get an agent.
765
01:40:17,569 --> 01:40:20,569
Lidia, so nice to meet you. Thank you for being here.
766
01:40:20,949 --> 01:40:22,069
Excuse me.
767
01:40:23,189 --> 01:40:25,149
Do you have anything...
768
01:40:26,029 --> 01:40:28,029
...a little stronger?
769
01:40:28,949 --> 01:40:29,949
Tack.
770
01:40:35,069 --> 01:40:37,529
Carol Houck Smith, Norton Publishing.
771
01:40:39,279 --> 01:40:40,819
It's really impressive what you did up there.
772
01:40:42,819 --> 01:40:43,949
Tack.
773
01:40:45,569 --> 01:40:48,649
No, seriously. It didn't look easy.
774
01:40:50,069 --> 01:40:52,949
Is there anything else that came from there?
775
01:40:53,279 --> 01:40:55,149
Maybe something a little longer?
776
01:40:58,819 --> 01:41:00,649
You should send me something.
777
01:41:05,899 --> 01:41:07,279
That's just it.
778
01:41:09,949 --> 01:41:14,069
that something in me had been born...
779
01:41:15,319 --> 01:41:16,649
...stillborn.
780
01:41:21,689 --> 01:41:29,319
V. THE OTHER SIDE OF DROWNING
781
01:41:48,649 --> 01:41:51,069
It's a small stone I carry.
782
01:41:55,029 --> 01:41:57,819
The shame of wanting something good.
783
01:42:46,149 --> 01:42:47,819
My life!
784
01:44:56,569 --> 01:44:58,689
Fucking garbage.
785
01:45:00,819 --> 01:45:02,149
Hey, what are you doing? Keep working.
786
01:45:22,189 --> 01:45:23,189
Hello.
787
01:45:27,279 --> 01:45:30,399
The chopping block. Peer evaluation.
788
01:45:30,569 --> 01:45:31,949
Who wants to start?
789
01:45:33,819 --> 01:45:37,399
It's very helpful. You can't live a wrong life.
790
01:45:37,779 --> 01:45:42,189
That's the story you were told. Yours is just as important. It's your own.
791
01:45:42,319 --> 01:45:45,279
It must hurt, but I'm happy for you.
792
01:46:36,449 --> 01:46:38,069
I don't give a damn!
793
01:46:41,689 --> 01:46:45,069
Something small and specific caught my attention,
794
01:46:45,279 --> 01:46:46,949
an important detail,
795
01:46:47,149 --> 01:46:49,399
a bruise on the bridge of her nose
796
01:46:49,569 --> 01:46:53,069
which made me realize that her eyes were blue, like mine.
797
01:46:55,399 --> 01:46:56,399
How much?
798
01:46:59,149 --> 01:47:03,069
I pay her pimp $100. I ask her to come in.
799
01:47:03,319 --> 01:47:05,069
I ask her to sit down.
800
01:47:08,449 --> 01:47:09,779
In the story I say:
801
01:47:10,569 --> 01:47:13,149
"This is what it feels like to be me."
802
01:47:14,189 --> 01:47:16,449
A woman who teaches English,
803
01:47:16,899 --> 01:47:19,949
looking down on a woman sucking cocks
804
01:47:20,149 --> 01:47:22,189
who sits on my couch all day
805
01:47:22,569 --> 01:47:23,819
and smokes.
806
01:47:25,449 --> 01:47:29,069
When I look at her, I think she looks like Maria.
807
01:47:30,779 --> 01:47:33,319
When I see a picture of Christ
808
01:47:33,779 --> 01:47:36,819
I imagine Maria so haggard, emaciated and tired
809
01:47:37,029 --> 01:47:40,819
and so angry to the point of being emaciated that she can barely bear her face.
810
01:47:51,069 --> 01:47:53,569
In the story I say:
811
01:47:56,069 --> 01:47:57,899
"What should I do?
812
01:47:58,819 --> 01:48:00,189
Teach her?"
813
01:48:03,029 --> 01:48:06,779
This is what I, an addict on the rise,
814
01:48:06,949 --> 01:48:12,189
I think when I am given something as infinitesimally small as words to believe in.
815
01:48:12,819 --> 01:48:14,069
I'm looking at her.
816
01:48:19,189 --> 01:48:20,819
Offers words.
817
01:48:34,319 --> 01:48:35,899
People tell me all the time:
818
01:48:37,689 --> 01:48:41,189
"Did those things in your stories really happen?"
819
01:48:44,449 --> 01:48:48,069
Isn't that the question?
820
01:48:49,319 --> 01:48:51,149
when it comes to life?
821
01:48:56,779 --> 01:48:59,319
Did this really happen to me?
822
01:49:07,529 --> 01:49:08,529
Andy.
823
01:49:10,449 --> 01:49:11,529
I don't know.
824
01:49:20,069 --> 01:49:22,689
Things that happen to us are true.
825
01:49:24,949 --> 01:49:29,189
But writing is a completely different thing.
826
01:49:30,069 --> 01:49:32,779
I was hoping we could discuss my script.
827
01:49:34,569 --> 01:49:35,819
Of course. Sure.
828
01:49:39,399 --> 01:49:41,569
I also want to lend you my car.
829
01:49:45,279 --> 01:49:47,189
I saw you take the bus.
830
01:49:48,319 --> 01:49:50,649
and I happen to have two cars.
831
01:50:28,449 --> 01:50:31,529
You can understand a lot about a person when you see them in the water.
832
01:50:33,399 --> 01:50:34,529
Tack.
833
01:50:38,029 --> 01:50:41,069
-For what? -Because I got to swim with you.
834
01:50:41,319 --> 01:50:45,449
I read a couple of your stories. I know swimming is a big deal.
835
01:50:46,189 --> 01:50:47,949
I always let my students choose their seat.
836
01:50:49,319 --> 01:50:52,649
I wanted to say that I've seen you a couple of times before.
837
01:50:53,189 --> 01:50:55,779
I read that Ken Kesey taught at the university,
838
01:50:55,949 --> 01:50:58,069
when I was abroad. I applied for the course,
839
01:50:58,189 --> 01:50:59,949
but it was already over.
840
01:51:00,319 --> 01:51:03,569
-That was like hell. How funny! -Yeah, I know.
841
01:51:03,689 --> 01:51:06,899
I saw you hobbling around in the creative writing department.
842
01:51:08,779 --> 01:51:11,069
I was at the reading you did at Gerlinger.
843
01:51:18,399 --> 01:51:19,569
That's weird. Weird.
844
01:51:19,949 --> 01:51:21,069
Strange.
845
01:51:24,449 --> 01:51:26,189
It was a strange day for me.
846
01:51:28,949 --> 01:51:29,949
Why?
847
01:51:38,779 --> 01:51:40,029
My father...
848
01:51:42,819 --> 01:51:43,949
...was mine...
849
01:51:45,149 --> 01:51:46,189
My father...
850
01:51:49,689 --> 01:51:50,689
From the lighthouse?
851
01:51:53,449 --> 01:51:55,069
...abused me.
852
01:51:57,949 --> 01:51:59,069
From the lighthouse.
853
01:52:02,189 --> 01:52:03,189
How then?
854
01:52:05,689 --> 01:52:06,899
Sexually.
855
01:52:10,529 --> 01:52:11,689
It sucks.
856
01:52:21,029 --> 01:52:23,819
I hope he got a big karma slap.
857
01:52:29,689 --> 01:52:31,689
He actually got it.
858
01:52:32,949 --> 01:52:34,449
That was good.
859
01:52:43,449 --> 01:52:46,449
It was a long time ago. I was a completely different person then.
860
01:53:00,149 --> 01:53:02,689
So, teacher, are you going to take my car?
861
01:53:26,649 --> 01:53:29,689
I don't really know how to tell you how I feel.
862
01:53:32,819 --> 01:53:36,279
to see the little woman swimming for her life.
863
01:53:39,069 --> 01:53:40,319
I mean...
864
01:54:02,279 --> 01:54:03,949
Are you completely fucking crazy?
865
01:54:11,569 --> 01:54:12,689
The best.
866
01:54:22,399 --> 01:54:24,819
You think I'm someone else.
867
01:54:32,189 --> 01:54:34,189
I can see the mother in you.
868
01:54:43,689 --> 01:54:46,949
There is more to your story than you think.
869
01:56:43,319 --> 01:56:44,529
-That's great. -That's it.
870
01:56:44,689 --> 01:56:45,899
Very nice.
871
01:56:46,689 --> 01:56:49,069
We're just going to go this way, to the left.
872
01:57:11,069 --> 01:57:12,649
And the room?
873
01:57:13,319 --> 01:57:16,149
They said it would be ready tomorrow, for sure.
874
01:57:20,399 --> 01:57:23,189
It must have been a strange ride.
875
01:57:28,819 --> 01:57:29,819
Tack.
876
01:57:30,189 --> 01:57:32,569
You never have to say thank you to me.
877
01:57:40,189 --> 01:57:43,189
-I'm fine. -Are you sure?
878
01:57:43,899 --> 01:57:44,899
Sure.
879
01:57:59,189 --> 01:58:00,189
Hey, Dad.
880
01:58:00,399 --> 01:58:03,819
-Marilou? -No, it's me. It's Lidia.
881
01:58:05,069 --> 01:58:07,069
I know, old man.
882
01:58:17,689 --> 01:58:18,899
I have read this book.
883
01:58:20,149 --> 01:58:21,149
-Yes? -Yes.
884
01:58:23,319 --> 01:58:24,689
Do you know who wrote it?
885
01:58:29,819 --> 01:58:30,819
Of.
886
01:58:31,649 --> 01:58:32,689
That's right.
887
01:58:36,569 --> 01:58:38,689
Did you read all the stories?
888
01:58:41,189 --> 01:58:43,279
It was one about swimming.
889
01:58:45,819 --> 01:58:46,819
I liked it.
890
01:58:48,949 --> 01:58:49,949
Tack.
891
01:58:52,449 --> 01:58:54,689
But not very flattering to me.
892
01:59:08,279 --> 01:59:12,189
I won an award for that story.
893
01:59:13,189 --> 01:59:14,899
I had to go to New York.
894
01:59:24,819 --> 01:59:26,399
Yes, not bad.
895
01:59:31,189 --> 01:59:32,319
It's nice here.
896
01:59:36,649 --> 01:59:38,449
It's a real home you have here.
897
01:59:43,319 --> 01:59:44,319
Well done.
898
01:59:45,779 --> 01:59:47,029
Well done of you.
899
01:59:48,819 --> 01:59:52,779
The safest memories are locked in the brains of people who don't remember.
900
01:59:54,279 --> 01:59:55,529
Take her, Mike!
901
01:59:56,649 --> 01:59:59,449
You know I don't swim. - Claudia, get your sister!
902
02:00:01,819 --> 02:00:03,569
Underwater forever.
903
02:00:05,689 --> 02:00:07,069
There you go, friend.
904
02:00:08,819 --> 02:00:10,569
Look, I'm 'immuring!
905
02:00:22,819 --> 02:00:24,189
What is it?
906
02:00:24,399 --> 02:00:29,649
The water will go into my nose, my ears, and into my brain.
907
02:00:32,189 --> 02:00:33,319
Miles...
908
02:00:35,819 --> 02:00:41,689
How many times have you seen mom swim?
909
02:00:43,399 --> 02:00:45,029
Many times, right?
910
02:00:45,529 --> 02:00:46,949
Have you ever thought about
911
02:00:48,069 --> 02:00:50,779
that I've never had water on my brain?
912
02:00:55,449 --> 02:00:57,819
The water has never entered my brain.
913
02:00:58,029 --> 02:01:00,689
Do you want to see? Watch this.
914
02:01:01,029 --> 02:01:03,399
Tell me how much water is going into my brain. Okay?
915
02:01:14,069 --> 02:01:15,069
Do you see?
916
02:01:16,949 --> 02:01:18,149
Okay, pull.
917
02:01:18,449 --> 02:01:21,189
I have a very important game.
918
02:01:23,149 --> 02:01:26,319
I'm going to put my whole head under the water.
919
02:01:28,189 --> 02:01:31,279
And we'll look at each other underwater.
920
02:01:33,149 --> 02:01:35,899
-What kind of game is that? -I made it up.
921
02:01:48,319 --> 02:01:49,569
The key is
922
02:01:51,529 --> 02:01:53,189
to find shit.
923
02:02:02,529 --> 02:02:05,689
What I'm saying is not nonsense.
924
02:02:07,779 --> 02:02:08,779
Come in.
925
02:02:12,189 --> 02:02:14,069
The water will hold you.
926
02:07:47,569 --> 02:07:52,189
Undertexter: Lisa Di Biaggio www.junefirst.tv62808
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