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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:02:56,449 --> 00:02:59,069 I thought I would start from the beginning. 2 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:04,569 But that's not how I remember it. 3 00:03:12,949 --> 00:03:15,899 Everything is a series of fragments. 4 00:03:19,069 --> 00:03:20,069 Repetitions. 5 00:03:23,279 --> 00:03:25,449 Pattern formations. 6 00:03:47,279 --> 00:03:50,069 When there are no words for the pain... 7 00:03:54,689 --> 00:03:58,319 ...let your imagination change what you know. 8 00:04:01,189 --> 00:04:04,029 Conglomerates are the movement of soil in the freedom of water. 9 00:04:06,069 --> 00:04:09,029 A ring around a stone is luck. 10 00:04:09,319 --> 00:04:11,319 Smooth and small. 11 00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:17,179 Sandstone is calming and clear. Slate, of course, rational. 12 00:04:17,319 --> 00:04:19,649 Red sandstone is the blood of the earth. 13 00:04:21,189 --> 00:04:23,029 You believe in blue. 14 00:04:47,189 --> 00:04:48,819 Sorry. 15 00:04:52,949 --> 00:04:54,319 Memories... 16 00:04:56,649 --> 00:04:57,689 ...are stories. 17 00:05:00,649 --> 00:05:02,949 Best to find one you can live with. 18 00:05:03,149 --> 00:05:09,449 I. HOLD YOUR BREATH 19 00:05:22,819 --> 00:05:24,189 A smiling face. 20 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:32,319 Flower. 21 00:05:44,819 --> 00:05:46,189 Christmas tree. 22 00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:10,689 Stop. 23 00:06:11,779 --> 00:06:14,649 Claudia, go upstairs. Go! 24 00:06:17,689 --> 00:06:18,779 Not! 25 00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,949 Just let me know when you're ready. 26 00:06:28,189 --> 00:06:29,949 We can stay here all night. 27 00:06:40,189 --> 00:06:41,189 Damn, take this! 28 00:07:22,569 --> 00:07:25,689 That's so nice, Claudia. I actually think it will 29 00:07:26,189 --> 00:07:27,819 to make you feel better immediately. 30 00:07:29,819 --> 00:07:31,449 Make you feel better instantly. 31 00:07:41,449 --> 00:07:43,069 Sing with me, Belle. 32 00:07:50,689 --> 00:07:54,569 Come on, Lidia Belle. Sing with me. You know all the lyrics. 33 00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:05,119 It was my voice that disappeared. 34 00:08:07,899 --> 00:08:10,569 Sometimes I think it came down to paper. 35 00:08:11,399 --> 00:08:13,319 -I wrote... -...pictures and true things... 36 00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:15,779 -...lie alternately. -It made me feel that... 37 00:08:16,779 --> 00:08:19,949 -Made me feel like someone else. -For God's sake! 38 00:08:21,449 --> 00:08:24,449 -I wrote words to belong. -It's your daughter! 39 00:08:24,949 --> 00:08:26,189 Not daughter. 40 00:08:27,689 --> 00:08:28,949 For swimmers. 41 00:08:30,189 --> 00:08:31,649 For safety. 42 00:08:32,189 --> 00:08:35,949 For girls. You make me crawl and give me a headache. 43 00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:37,149 Mother. 44 00:08:37,189 --> 00:08:38,319 Her hair. 45 00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,069 Her scar. 46 00:08:40,529 --> 00:08:41,689 Her story. 47 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,529 I won an award for that story, Belle. 48 00:08:45,949 --> 00:08:47,569 And your father... 49 00:08:49,689 --> 00:08:53,819 ...won an art award for this drawing. 50 00:08:54,649 --> 00:08:57,779 So gone she was. 51 00:09:02,319 --> 00:09:04,779 And my sister. My worship. 52 00:09:04,949 --> 00:09:07,319 My sister. My respect. 53 00:09:07,449 --> 00:09:10,819 You look like a scoundrel in that baggy, ugly shirt. 54 00:09:11,029 --> 00:09:12,529 It doesn't help you at all. 55 00:09:13,279 --> 00:09:14,449 Look at me. 56 00:09:16,399 --> 00:09:18,189 Are you trying to look like a man? 57 00:09:18,449 --> 00:09:21,569 My sister. She takes everything. 58 00:09:28,189 --> 00:09:30,319 My sister. She takes everything. 59 00:09:58,279 --> 00:09:59,569 In the house. 60 00:10:02,319 --> 00:10:04,149 Alone in my room. 61 00:10:04,689 --> 00:10:05,949 My arms ache. 62 00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,189 My sister is gone. 63 00:10:10,449 --> 00:10:11,779 My mother is... 64 00:10:12,899 --> 00:10:13,949 ...away. 65 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:20,649 My dad is drawing houses in the next room. He's smoking. 66 00:10:34,449 --> 00:10:35,569 Hey, old lady. 67 00:10:57,069 --> 00:10:59,149 I'll wait until five in the morning. 68 00:11:01,149 --> 00:11:02,319 I ask for 69 00:11:04,149 --> 00:11:05,189 to be able to swim. 70 00:11:21,069 --> 00:11:22,319 My little girl. 71 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,569 You're growing up so fast. 72 00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:34,819 Teenager. 73 00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:40,449 In high school. I can't believe it. 74 00:11:40,689 --> 00:11:43,819 Okay, get in line. Girls, time for weigh-in. 75 00:11:44,029 --> 00:11:47,319 You know how it goes. A spanking for every extra kilo. 76 00:11:47,689 --> 00:11:48,779 Torres. 77 00:11:50,399 --> 00:11:51,399 Talented girl. 78 00:12:00,449 --> 00:12:01,569 Exactly. That's right, yes. 79 00:12:03,899 --> 00:12:05,649 Straps. 1.5 kilos. 80 00:12:14,569 --> 00:12:15,899 Come on, old man. 81 00:12:29,689 --> 00:12:30,899 Yuknavitch. 82 00:12:31,069 --> 00:12:34,319 One for you, first-timer. We'll do it properly. 83 00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:09,649 How many kilometers does it take? 84 00:13:13,779 --> 00:13:15,069 to swim 85 00:13:19,449 --> 00:13:20,569 to a self? 86 00:13:24,399 --> 00:13:25,849 How...many... 87 00:13:26,149 --> 00:13:31,279 ...damn kilometers? 88 00:13:36,529 --> 00:13:38,569 We broke a record! We broke a tamejfan record! 89 00:13:40,649 --> 00:13:45,069 Our medley relay gold medalists from the Florida Aquatic Swim Team 90 00:13:45,569 --> 00:13:48,319 had the best time in the whole country. 91 00:13:48,529 --> 00:13:49,899 Congratulations. 92 00:13:50,279 --> 00:13:52,149 The talent scouts are watching, third-rounders. 93 00:14:18,189 --> 00:14:20,319 So you really want this, then? 94 00:14:46,569 --> 00:14:49,189 You only got three quarters. 95 00:14:53,319 --> 00:14:58,189 If they had wanted you, they would have given you everything, right? 96 00:15:14,149 --> 00:15:17,689 "We are pleased to be able to offer a partial scholarship." 97 00:15:19,069 --> 00:15:21,669 Half. You're better than that. 98 00:15:25,399 --> 00:15:26,689 The last one. 99 00:15:41,689 --> 00:15:44,069 In my head I swam lengths. 100 00:15:45,029 --> 00:15:47,449 You didn't even get a full scholarship. 101 00:15:52,069 --> 00:15:53,689 Don't blame me. 102 00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:56,449 If they don't want you, you don't belong there. 103 00:15:56,649 --> 00:15:58,649 I could taste the blood. 104 00:15:58,819 --> 00:15:59,949 The answer is no. 105 00:16:01,949 --> 00:16:02,949 Why? 106 00:16:10,779 --> 00:16:12,149 Because he could. 107 00:16:15,319 --> 00:16:16,399 What then? 108 00:16:17,189 --> 00:16:18,569 And I was his. 109 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,529 Listen, look at me. 110 00:16:45,449 --> 00:16:46,569 Look at me. 111 00:16:56,399 --> 00:17:01,199 I only want the best for you. You know that. 112 00:17:04,689 --> 00:17:06,689 I knew he could feel it. 113 00:17:07,949 --> 00:17:09,189 That pink muscle. 114 00:17:10,189 --> 00:17:11,189 As a pinch 115 00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:14,569 and pinches... 116 00:17:15,649 --> 00:17:18,819 -You guys should be out warming up. -...for all it's worth. 117 00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:24,689 Lidia! 118 00:17:27,399 --> 00:17:28,819 Do you need help? 119 00:17:29,319 --> 00:17:31,649 I'm the coach for Texas Tech. 120 00:17:32,069 --> 00:17:34,149 Nice to meet you. Let's talk. 121 00:17:35,649 --> 00:17:37,689 We would like to have you on our team. 122 00:17:56,819 --> 00:17:57,949 Yes. 123 00:18:04,189 --> 00:18:06,069 I almost loved her. 124 00:18:12,689 --> 00:18:13,949 Now let's go, Belle. 125 00:18:41,689 --> 00:18:44,899 I know you, Lidia. I know what you do. 126 00:18:45,069 --> 00:18:47,569 And it's disgusting. Do you hear me? 127 00:18:47,779 --> 00:18:49,899 That's fucking disgusting, Lidia. You should be ashamed! 128 00:18:58,649 --> 00:19:00,189 This is control. 129 00:19:00,949 --> 00:19:02,399 I control myself. 130 00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:09,069 You don't know how far I can go. 131 00:19:27,069 --> 00:19:30,949 My bedroom has room for the wet and dark in my body. 132 00:19:34,449 --> 00:19:36,449 It smells like my sweat. 133 00:19:37,649 --> 00:19:38,949 and chlorine. 134 00:19:53,069 --> 00:19:54,649 Hello. You can't sleep, huh? 135 00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:56,069 Yeah, me neither. 136 00:20:07,189 --> 00:20:09,579 Come here. I want to talk to you. 137 00:20:15,449 --> 00:20:18,069 Sorry if I've been so hard on you lately. 138 00:20:20,189 --> 00:20:21,399 I guess I just... 139 00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,649 ...I'm so worried about you out there. 140 00:20:27,319 --> 00:20:30,069 Things will be different when you go to college. 141 00:20:31,319 --> 00:20:32,949 I want you to listen to me. 142 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,529 He told me what boys would do to me. 143 00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:42,069 How they would stick their filthy hands under my skirt and fuck me. 144 00:20:42,779 --> 00:20:44,689 Pat my breasts. 145 00:20:47,779 --> 00:20:49,029 Suck on them. 146 00:20:51,069 --> 00:20:54,029 How disgusting boys could be. 147 00:20:55,319 --> 00:20:59,249 Their hands, their hips that want to go in and up. 148 00:20:59,899 --> 00:21:01,319 And their dicks. 149 00:21:02,149 --> 00:21:03,569 And his. 150 00:21:04,189 --> 00:21:06,149 I sit next to him, 151 00:21:07,319 --> 00:21:11,149 feel the warmth from him without even looking. 152 00:22:10,949 --> 00:22:12,569 What are you doing out here? 153 00:22:19,819 --> 00:22:21,569 What's wrong with you? 154 00:22:26,189 --> 00:22:28,189 I want you to know 155 00:22:32,449 --> 00:22:33,689 that I love you. 156 00:22:51,069 --> 00:22:53,029 You are a fucking whore. 157 00:23:00,949 --> 00:23:02,819 Do you have something to say to me? 158 00:23:11,569 --> 00:23:13,569 Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit. 159 00:23:15,069 --> 00:23:16,779 What did you just say? 160 00:23:19,569 --> 00:23:20,949 Fuck you...you fucking piece of shit. 161 00:23:25,069 --> 00:23:28,949 Leave me alone, for fuck's sake! 162 00:24:06,449 --> 00:24:08,399 Everything I thought about 163 00:24:13,779 --> 00:24:16,189 was my own wide-open pussy. 164 00:24:21,319 --> 00:24:24,319 Wide open like a mouth...screaming. 165 00:24:26,529 --> 00:24:27,649 You fucking shit! 166 00:24:30,449 --> 00:24:32,399 You fucking shit. 167 00:24:52,069 --> 00:24:54,189 I didn't know a girl's body could do that. 168 00:24:57,449 --> 00:24:59,029 Spray a batch. 169 00:25:30,949 --> 00:25:33,399 My food, my thoughts, my friends, my place. 170 00:25:33,569 --> 00:25:36,069 My booze, my days, my nights. 171 00:25:52,569 --> 00:25:54,319 -My sex, my drugs. -Mine. 172 00:26:18,779 --> 00:26:22,069 Something so far down in a body 173 00:26:23,819 --> 00:26:25,319 that it was bound to explode. 174 00:26:29,819 --> 00:26:30,949 Yuk! 175 00:26:35,949 --> 00:26:37,529 Where do you think you're going? 176 00:26:39,529 --> 00:26:41,069 I know you. 177 00:26:43,949 --> 00:26:45,449 You're not going anywhere. 178 00:27:36,189 --> 00:27:38,899 So far from my dad. 179 00:27:42,819 --> 00:27:44,689 So far away from my father... 180 00:27:56,069 --> 00:27:57,399 I just want to... 181 00:28:06,899 --> 00:28:08,279 I love your hands. 182 00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:11,779 I love your voice. 183 00:28:14,069 --> 00:28:17,949 It's my dad and my brother who have the real votes. 184 00:28:19,149 --> 00:28:21,319 I always hear them in my head. 185 00:28:22,449 --> 00:28:23,449 Is that true? 186 00:28:25,399 --> 00:28:26,689 What do they say? 187 00:28:30,949 --> 00:28:32,949 They just sing "Amazing Grace." 188 00:28:37,279 --> 00:28:38,819 Voices of God. 189 00:28:40,029 --> 00:28:41,279 Fuck me. 190 00:29:00,689 --> 00:29:01,949 Poor Philip. 191 00:29:04,819 --> 00:29:07,069 I wish I could go back and apologize. 192 00:29:31,949 --> 00:29:34,569 Fuck you all! 193 00:29:34,899 --> 00:29:36,949 Eat me! 194 00:29:42,779 --> 00:29:45,689 He's just a regular James Taylor. 195 00:29:46,149 --> 00:29:49,189 who sings with all their heart here in Texas! 196 00:29:51,069 --> 00:29:52,819 And sometimes I wonder 197 00:29:55,069 --> 00:29:59,689 If you ever think of me 198 00:30:03,689 --> 00:30:06,569 This world may never change 199 00:30:10,069 --> 00:30:13,069 As it has been 200 00:30:16,949 --> 00:30:19,449 And I know that peace will come 201 00:30:25,779 --> 00:30:28,279 Why do you always do that, Lidia? 202 00:30:34,779 --> 00:30:36,399 It's fun. Come on! 203 00:30:36,569 --> 00:30:38,569 It's fun! You know it. 204 00:30:43,149 --> 00:30:44,949 You are...such a pussy! 205 00:30:45,649 --> 00:30:47,649 Come on, learn to take... 206 00:30:48,279 --> 00:30:50,399 ...just kidding. You're so fucking sensitive. 207 00:30:54,449 --> 00:30:57,399 This is probably one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen. 208 00:31:01,689 --> 00:31:06,069 This is what... This is what I'm talking about. 209 00:31:06,649 --> 00:31:09,449 It's like talking to a fucking doorknob. 210 00:31:10,029 --> 00:31:12,449 Why don't you say something? Please, say anything. 211 00:31:13,189 --> 00:31:16,689 I'm a fucking idiot, so why aren't you doing anything about it? 212 00:31:22,689 --> 00:31:24,149 You are not a jerk. 213 00:31:27,319 --> 00:31:29,069 Damn you, Philip! 214 00:31:31,149 --> 00:31:33,899 You don't even fucking know me. 215 00:31:58,149 --> 00:32:03,449 Phillip means "horse lover". 216 00:32:05,069 --> 00:32:06,279 Damn it. 217 00:32:07,569 --> 00:32:08,899 Or "brotherhood". 218 00:32:20,569 --> 00:32:22,899 Wake up, you fucking piece of shit! 219 00:32:39,649 --> 00:32:42,399 Hey, Lids. Do you want to get out of here? 220 00:32:42,689 --> 00:32:45,069 She's okay. I'll drive her back. 221 00:32:50,569 --> 00:32:52,569 Listen, close the door there. 222 00:32:53,399 --> 00:32:55,319 Just close the damn door! 223 00:32:57,649 --> 00:32:59,569 I haven't seen you at practice. 224 00:33:00,399 --> 00:33:02,029 Yes, I got kicked out. 225 00:33:04,319 --> 00:33:05,529 It's quiet. 226 00:33:18,529 --> 00:33:21,319 I can still feel my face. 227 00:33:32,569 --> 00:33:34,819 The addiction is clearly in me. 228 00:33:36,649 --> 00:33:38,449 But I want to describe something else to you. 229 00:33:40,449 --> 00:33:41,449 Something smaller. 230 00:33:44,449 --> 00:33:46,029 It's a smaller word. 231 00:33:47,449 --> 00:33:48,529 Mother? 232 00:33:51,399 --> 00:33:54,149 So small that it can travel in the bloodstream. 233 00:33:59,279 --> 00:34:00,569 Get out of here, Belle. 234 00:34:16,569 --> 00:34:17,949 Get out of here, Belle. 235 00:34:28,449 --> 00:34:29,449 Stay away. 236 00:34:31,689 --> 00:34:33,689 This is not for you. 237 00:34:35,819 --> 00:34:37,899 I'm not going to talk about anything. 238 00:34:40,069 --> 00:34:42,189 I'm not going to talk about anything. 239 00:34:52,069 --> 00:34:53,949 I'm not going to talk about anything. 240 00:35:01,069 --> 00:35:02,069 Dorothy? 241 00:35:04,689 --> 00:35:05,899 Come on. Get up. 242 00:35:33,949 --> 00:35:35,399 I'm sorry! 243 00:35:41,779 --> 00:35:42,899 I'm sorry. 244 00:35:46,819 --> 00:35:47,819 Yes. Lydia... 245 00:35:49,529 --> 00:35:51,189 You can talk to us. 246 00:35:52,029 --> 00:35:53,189 That helps. 247 00:35:54,279 --> 00:35:55,569 Trust me. 248 00:36:10,899 --> 00:36:13,149 I'm not going to talk about anything. 249 00:36:14,949 --> 00:36:16,399 I always want to say... Yes. 250 00:36:19,779 --> 00:36:23,949 Finding meaning in the traffic of life 251 00:36:24,069 --> 00:36:27,399 by clearing spiritual barriers. 252 00:36:52,319 --> 00:36:53,819 I am proud of you. 253 00:36:56,189 --> 00:36:57,279 Do you know? 254 00:37:01,029 --> 00:37:02,029 Yes. 255 00:37:19,819 --> 00:37:21,569 Will you marry me? 256 00:37:52,949 --> 00:37:56,279 And children have their dreams 257 00:37:56,819 --> 00:37:59,189 To hold on to 258 00:38:02,069 --> 00:38:04,279 And how they fly 259 00:38:04,649 --> 00:38:07,569 Takes us to the moon 260 00:38:09,189 --> 00:38:13,569 Yes, they flow from you 261 00:38:14,569 --> 00:38:17,399 They flow from you. 262 00:38:19,319 --> 00:38:23,319 And they flow from you 263 00:38:25,649 --> 00:38:30,779 And women have themselves to hold on to 264 00:38:34,399 --> 00:38:39,399 And the way they fly surprises me 265 00:38:41,569 --> 00:38:43,949 They flow from me 266 00:38:45,689 --> 00:38:49,189 They flow from me 267 00:38:51,189 --> 00:38:54,649 And they flow from me 268 00:39:27,399 --> 00:39:29,949 Grandma, you were so talented. 269 00:39:30,069 --> 00:39:32,069 You were so talented! 270 00:39:58,819 --> 00:40:03,189 -I made you some tea. -I don't want any tea. What should we do? 271 00:40:07,189 --> 00:40:08,189 Lidia... 272 00:40:09,319 --> 00:40:10,449 I love you. 273 00:40:12,069 --> 00:40:15,689 And whatever you want to do, I will support it. 274 00:40:20,189 --> 00:40:21,319 Was that all? 275 00:40:26,529 --> 00:40:28,949 I need more than anything 276 00:40:29,149 --> 00:40:32,189 from the most passive man on this fucking planet! 277 00:40:47,949 --> 00:40:50,029 Sorry, I've been a little sick. 278 00:40:54,819 --> 00:41:00,529 You don't want anything, and you're killing me by not wanting anything! 279 00:41:01,149 --> 00:41:03,449 -What were you thinking? -I don't know. 280 00:41:03,949 --> 00:41:07,149 I don't know. I don't know. It's fucking impossible! 281 00:41:07,529 --> 00:41:10,149 I can't stand how nice he is. I just can't stand it! 282 00:41:10,319 --> 00:41:12,689 I can't stand his kindness. 283 00:41:13,319 --> 00:41:16,069 But I couldn't have finished it either. 284 00:41:18,399 --> 00:41:24,569 I thought maybe there was a world where I... 285 00:41:25,449 --> 00:41:28,819 ...comes and lives with you 286 00:41:28,949 --> 00:41:32,819 in Eugene and taking some courses that you teach. 287 00:41:33,399 --> 00:41:36,449 I don't know. Maybe we can form a little... 288 00:41:39,069 --> 00:41:40,189 ...family. 289 00:41:46,069 --> 00:41:51,689 Because I think my life with him is going to be a sad fucking country song. 290 00:41:53,449 --> 00:41:55,449 -And this is the only thing... -Lidia, I said yes. 291 00:41:56,949 --> 00:41:58,279 Come home. 292 00:42:03,319 --> 00:42:04,449 Okay. 293 00:42:07,529 --> 00:42:08,529 Nice. 294 00:42:10,949 --> 00:42:13,069 Because she left me once 295 00:42:14,189 --> 00:42:15,949 to save his own life. 296 00:42:24,899 --> 00:42:27,069 What are you two doing back there? Are you playing with yourselves? 297 00:42:29,689 --> 00:42:33,649 What then? I'll take them to the most beautiful landscape in the world 298 00:42:34,399 --> 00:42:35,949 and they're just playing tricks. 299 00:42:38,899 --> 00:42:40,899 Look out that damn window! 300 00:42:58,819 --> 00:43:03,779 Claudia, grab the hacksaw under your mom's seat. 301 00:43:03,949 --> 00:43:05,689 Come on! Let's go. 302 00:43:30,819 --> 00:43:32,649 Go ahead, old man. 303 00:43:33,029 --> 00:43:34,319 As food. 304 00:43:35,449 --> 00:43:37,149 As food. 305 00:43:39,279 --> 00:43:40,449 Don't you want it? 306 00:43:48,189 --> 00:43:50,689 Come on, old lady. Just a little sip to warm you up. 307 00:44:22,949 --> 00:44:24,449 Thank you, God! 308 00:44:32,189 --> 00:44:33,569 Where is the Christmas tree? 309 00:44:45,689 --> 00:44:46,689 Where. 310 00:44:47,779 --> 00:44:49,529 That's the picture. 311 00:44:58,949 --> 00:45:00,319 Welcome home. 312 00:45:06,189 --> 00:45:08,149 Come in. I'll take that one. 313 00:45:09,149 --> 00:45:11,029 -Because I'm pregnant? -Yes. 314 00:45:37,399 --> 00:45:38,399 Here. 315 00:45:38,899 --> 00:45:39,899 Tack. 316 00:45:44,689 --> 00:45:45,689 It was like hell. 317 00:45:53,449 --> 00:45:54,689 Thank you, Claudia. 318 00:46:04,029 --> 00:46:07,149 Remember when you used to make me do things? 319 00:46:09,569 --> 00:46:10,689 Seam... 320 00:46:11,529 --> 00:46:14,529 "Here. Bite into this apple." 321 00:46:14,819 --> 00:46:16,319 Push it into my mouth. 322 00:46:18,899 --> 00:46:22,689 -"Here. Smell this ashtray." -"Just blow on it. One, two..." 323 00:46:23,569 --> 00:46:25,279 Ash all over my fucking face. 324 00:46:30,569 --> 00:46:32,149 I would have done anything. 325 00:46:36,899 --> 00:46:38,899 You were fabulous in my eyes. 326 00:46:43,399 --> 00:46:45,779 I remember when I went downstairs after you moved into the basement. 327 00:46:47,569 --> 00:46:52,189 I didn't realize how smart it was at the time, but... 328 00:46:54,189 --> 00:46:58,399 I used to look at all your stuff and touch it. 329 00:47:00,189 --> 00:47:02,949 I once found a razor blade in your purse. 330 00:47:03,149 --> 00:47:04,149 I cut myself on it. 331 00:47:05,319 --> 00:47:08,069 It made it sting when I pee. 332 00:47:25,449 --> 00:47:30,689 I know this is a...sacrifice. 333 00:47:32,189 --> 00:47:33,189 The best. 334 00:47:35,399 --> 00:47:36,649 That's just it... 335 00:47:39,069 --> 00:47:40,689 You were so small. 336 00:47:57,949 --> 00:48:01,319 This is a way to piece together your life. 337 00:48:09,819 --> 00:48:13,069 I may have been waiting for this. 338 00:48:40,399 --> 00:48:41,449 Breathe. 339 00:48:43,649 --> 00:48:44,779 I know. 340 00:48:47,069 --> 00:48:48,529 Come on. Come on. 341 00:48:50,649 --> 00:48:52,449 Of... 342 00:48:53,319 --> 00:48:54,449 ...can do this. 343 00:49:40,399 --> 00:49:41,819 Can I hold her? 344 00:49:43,649 --> 00:49:44,649 Sure. 345 00:49:48,449 --> 00:49:51,069 Just a moment. We're just clearing out... 346 00:50:15,569 --> 00:50:17,189 Her lips are pink. 347 00:50:20,029 --> 00:50:21,279 They are pink. 348 00:51:40,279 --> 00:51:42,399 Just throw it as far as you can. 349 00:52:07,449 --> 00:52:08,819 It's not fun. 350 00:52:13,069 --> 00:52:14,069 Download it. 351 00:53:07,449 --> 00:53:08,569 Sorry. 352 00:53:47,449 --> 00:53:50,399 Look. She's all over you. 353 00:53:52,189 --> 00:53:54,529 You're laughing for the hell of it. 354 00:54:27,949 --> 00:54:30,529 What lived and died between us 355 00:54:32,319 --> 00:54:33,319 still haunts me. 356 00:54:33,529 --> 00:54:34,949 II. UNDER THE BLUE 357 00:54:39,779 --> 00:54:43,189 Oh my god, girl! Are you some kind of mermaid, or what? 358 00:54:45,319 --> 00:54:46,319 Yep. 359 00:54:51,689 --> 00:54:53,029 Do you have something to say? 360 00:54:55,069 --> 00:54:56,149 Forget it. 361 00:54:58,569 --> 00:55:02,819 Come on. You deserve this. 362 00:55:02,949 --> 00:55:04,279 Don't you want to come with me? 363 00:55:05,189 --> 00:55:09,469 I'm not even a student. I just hang out in the English department. 364 00:55:09,569 --> 00:55:12,819 Do you think Kesey cares about university rules? 365 00:55:12,949 --> 00:55:16,649 -You'll regret it if you don't. -They don't even want to enroll me. 366 00:55:17,399 --> 00:55:19,689 Bullshit! I already told him about you. 367 00:55:22,149 --> 00:55:23,149 These... 368 00:55:26,069 --> 00:55:27,689 He will love you. 369 00:55:32,819 --> 00:55:35,319 Don't you want to write a novel with Ken Kesey? 370 00:55:56,399 --> 00:55:59,779 Hello, everyone. Hello, everyone. 371 00:56:03,689 --> 00:56:04,689 You are an idiot. 372 00:56:06,319 --> 00:56:07,899 Hello, this is Lidia. 373 00:56:09,819 --> 00:56:11,649 -Say hello. -Hello. 374 00:56:14,449 --> 00:56:15,819 Hello there. 375 00:56:16,449 --> 00:56:17,819 What do we have here? 376 00:56:18,399 --> 00:56:20,189 A naughty kid with top grades? 377 00:56:23,529 --> 00:56:25,189 I know what happened to you. 378 00:56:28,949 --> 00:56:30,819 Death is too fucking bad. 379 00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:43,949 Damn too. 380 00:56:44,779 --> 00:56:49,069 Jeff, can you roll one? I hate sitting in a room full of writers. 381 00:57:00,399 --> 00:57:02,279 The chair will do. 382 00:57:03,449 --> 00:57:05,279 I want you all to... 383 00:57:11,149 --> 00:57:17,569 I want you all to be winners. I want you to be warriors. 384 00:57:18,399 --> 00:57:22,589 Warrior. I will give you the warrior test. 385 00:57:22,689 --> 00:57:25,189 Shit flows. Cream rises. 386 00:57:26,069 --> 00:57:29,689 Shit is flowing. Jerry Rubin. 387 00:57:31,189 --> 00:57:32,689 Cream rises. 388 00:57:40,399 --> 00:57:41,529 Ferlinghetti. 389 00:57:44,319 --> 00:57:45,569 Lord Buckley. 390 00:57:46,449 --> 00:57:47,819 Lenny Bruce. 391 00:57:48,819 --> 00:57:49,949 The big ones. 392 00:57:52,069 --> 00:57:54,069 I want you to grow up. 393 00:57:56,189 --> 00:57:57,689 Damn, for some reason... 394 00:57:58,819 --> 00:58:01,779 ...must shape our culture for the next 50 years 395 00:58:01,949 --> 00:58:05,189 and I want it to be you. There are only two rules. One: 396 00:58:05,569 --> 00:58:09,069 Don't talk about the plot of our novel. 397 00:58:09,189 --> 00:58:11,529 with someone who is not in this class. 398 00:58:11,949 --> 00:58:15,189 Two: I make up 50 percent of the class, 399 00:58:15,569 --> 00:58:18,449 so we just write together, 400 00:58:19,449 --> 00:58:23,569 because we will give out or perish together. 401 00:58:29,899 --> 00:58:31,649 Nelson Algren on: 402 00:58:33,189 --> 00:58:34,949 "The author's task 403 00:58:36,069 --> 00:58:39,189 is to drag the judge down to the dock, 404 00:58:40,189 --> 00:58:44,949 "to make the Almighty feel what it's like to be far down." 405 00:58:46,819 --> 00:58:48,189 He'll be fine. 406 00:58:49,689 --> 00:58:51,649 Grass has never killed anyone. 407 00:58:52,819 --> 00:58:54,529 So go now. 408 00:58:56,189 --> 00:59:00,319 All at once. Write some bizarre sentences. 409 00:59:01,529 --> 00:59:02,689 Hey! Where are you somewhere? 410 00:59:03,529 --> 00:59:06,149 Do not take sedatives before class. 411 00:59:07,569 --> 00:59:10,029 Now get lost in your imagination. Come on! 412 00:59:10,569 --> 00:59:15,279 Get lost in your imagination. No one is in the room except you and the pen. 413 00:59:19,449 --> 00:59:20,689 Better. 414 00:59:23,149 --> 00:59:26,319 Here it is. This is awful. 415 00:59:30,899 --> 00:59:32,319 I wrote "Demon Box" here. 416 00:59:34,069 --> 00:59:37,589 This room is a creative room. It's a creative place. 417 00:59:37,689 --> 00:59:41,299 Listen, Bennett. You didn't bring any tranquilizers, did you? 418 00:59:41,399 --> 00:59:46,319 Those types of drugs settle in the body, not in the head. 419 00:59:46,899 --> 00:59:50,449 Stick to LSD, psilocybin, San Pedro. 420 00:59:51,069 --> 00:59:55,449 Something that can break down your ego so you can hear your inner voice. 421 00:59:56,949 --> 00:59:59,319 And you write from that voice. 422 01:00:01,449 --> 01:00:04,149 You want your voice to be heard. 423 01:00:09,069 --> 01:00:10,069 Crikey... 424 01:00:12,899 --> 01:00:14,649 It's not meant to happen. 425 01:00:15,689 --> 01:00:17,649 I have wrestler's knee. 426 01:00:19,649 --> 01:00:20,649 Okay. 427 01:00:21,319 --> 01:00:23,949 Let's go out before the sun goes down. 428 01:00:24,319 --> 01:00:25,569 I want you to... 429 01:00:27,149 --> 01:00:29,149 ...to meet someone. 430 01:00:32,189 --> 01:00:33,189 Come on! 431 01:00:34,319 --> 01:00:35,449 Damn you, God! 432 01:00:36,569 --> 01:00:40,069 God made a mistake with the commandments. I believe there is an eleventh. 433 01:00:40,189 --> 01:00:43,069 And that should be the first commandment. Have mercy. 434 01:00:43,279 --> 01:00:45,279 Lord, have mercy! 435 01:00:45,779 --> 01:00:48,689 Imagine if everyone was merciful to each other where we would be today. 436 01:00:49,449 --> 01:00:52,819 You see a man on the street who needs some money. Give it to him. 437 01:00:53,029 --> 01:00:54,819 Be merciful. He needs it. 438 01:00:55,949 --> 01:00:58,449 He wouldn't ask for it if he didn't need it. 439 01:00:59,949 --> 01:01:01,189 Mercy. 440 01:01:02,899 --> 01:01:06,949 They will have to hire me to rewrite the Bible. 441 01:01:28,649 --> 01:01:30,819 What are you, some kind of mermaid? 442 01:01:40,029 --> 01:01:41,029 Yep. 443 01:01:53,529 --> 01:01:55,689 You know, when Judd died, my boy, 444 01:01:57,029 --> 01:01:59,319 then I wanted to cease to exist. 445 01:02:07,569 --> 01:02:11,569 And everyone who talked to me said something idiotic. 446 01:02:14,949 --> 01:02:17,319 Or nothing at all. 447 01:02:31,399 --> 01:02:33,899 Nobody understands death these days. 448 01:02:38,319 --> 01:02:41,949 It used to be holy. So holy. 449 01:02:46,529 --> 01:02:52,569 Hell too. No one is big enough to bear what happens to us. 450 01:02:56,189 --> 01:03:01,949 No one is big enough to bear what happens to us. 451 01:03:07,319 --> 01:03:08,949 Do you have something to say? 452 01:03:17,569 --> 01:03:19,189 It is in your hands. 453 01:03:42,949 --> 01:03:46,069 Everything that concerned my father was in his hands. 454 01:03:51,689 --> 01:03:54,279 It's all about coordination. 455 01:03:56,279 --> 01:03:59,189 A perfectly balanced dance. 456 01:03:59,319 --> 01:04:01,189 Of shadow and light. 457 01:04:02,449 --> 01:04:05,069 Before my dad was my dad 458 01:04:05,529 --> 01:04:07,069 was he an artist. 459 01:04:07,279 --> 01:04:12,319 Your dad won an award for this drawing. 460 01:04:15,069 --> 01:04:17,689 Before my dad was an artist 461 01:04:18,149 --> 01:04:19,779 was he an athlete. 462 01:04:21,569 --> 01:04:24,189 Before my dad was my dad... 463 01:04:26,819 --> 01:04:28,449 ...he was beautiful. 464 01:04:29,069 --> 01:04:30,449 And she was there. 465 01:04:31,029 --> 01:04:33,649 Before my dad was my dad 466 01:04:34,399 --> 01:04:35,899 was he a boy. 467 01:04:36,279 --> 01:04:37,649 Just a boy 468 01:04:38,189 --> 01:04:42,349 whose mother cut out his tongue. 469 01:04:48,069 --> 01:04:50,149 Before I hated him 470 01:04:51,569 --> 01:04:53,069 I loved him. 471 01:04:58,949 --> 01:05:02,449 Look up. If you don't look where you're going, you'll fall, understand? 472 01:05:02,649 --> 01:05:06,119 At the end of the hill, you brake just enough to make a turn. Okay? 473 01:05:11,029 --> 01:05:13,569 Drive. Keep your eyes on the road! 474 01:05:14,069 --> 01:05:15,149 Continue. 475 01:05:16,069 --> 01:05:17,189 Keep your head up! 476 01:05:22,189 --> 01:05:24,819 Eyes on the road. You have to brake! 477 01:05:30,069 --> 01:05:31,149 Mike! 478 01:05:33,949 --> 01:05:36,069 -Get a flashlight! -Why? 479 01:05:36,279 --> 01:05:38,319 I think she's hurt down there. She's bleeding. 480 01:05:39,319 --> 01:05:41,569 -What happened? -Just close the damn door! 481 01:05:43,529 --> 01:05:45,399 Are you finished with the chapter? 482 01:06:00,819 --> 01:06:04,149 All I was, was my bleeding body 483 01:06:14,319 --> 01:06:15,569 Hello there! 484 01:06:20,569 --> 01:06:22,149 I am a writer. 485 01:06:37,319 --> 01:06:38,529 Tack. 486 01:06:41,069 --> 01:06:45,069 We are gathered here because we want to see the result. 487 01:06:45,189 --> 01:06:49,529 We want to witness the results of this experiment, 488 01:06:50,149 --> 01:06:52,069 a collaborative novel 489 01:06:52,449 --> 01:06:54,949 written by us. 490 01:06:55,399 --> 01:07:01,719 So let's welcome the first of the not-so-happy pranksters to the stage. 491 01:07:02,069 --> 01:07:05,319 to present "Caverns". 492 01:07:06,189 --> 01:07:08,189 Lydia, come up. 493 01:07:11,649 --> 01:07:12,949 It will go smoothly. 494 01:07:35,319 --> 01:07:37,319 My thigh behind my knee... 495 01:07:37,529 --> 01:07:40,369 You too? My asshole. 496 01:07:40,529 --> 01:07:43,949 -The back of my knees, and they are... -Lidia's dad. 497 01:07:44,779 --> 01:07:47,449 What can I say? I'm a big fan. 498 01:07:47,819 --> 01:07:49,529 Mike, right? 499 01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:51,399 Yes, that's right. 500 01:07:51,949 --> 01:07:53,819 Nice that you could come. 501 01:07:54,689 --> 01:08:00,529 Lidia and I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Hard to Get Hard together, 502 01:08:00,689 --> 01:08:02,569 and it's just brilliant. I mean, brilliant books. 503 01:08:05,319 --> 01:08:06,649 You know, Mike... 504 01:08:08,029 --> 01:08:09,189 Lydia here... 505 01:08:11,319 --> 01:08:13,399 She can score a goal. 506 01:08:17,399 --> 01:08:19,449 Do you want me to sign it? 507 01:08:23,569 --> 01:08:25,069 Thanks for coming, Dad. 508 01:08:32,449 --> 01:08:35,069 Till...Mike? 509 01:08:36,069 --> 01:08:37,189 Would love to. 510 01:08:38,949 --> 01:08:40,029 "Till Mike." 511 01:08:40,949 --> 01:08:42,029 "Our... 512 01:08:44,279 --> 01:08:45,399 ...brave." 513 01:08:55,149 --> 01:08:56,279 Go ahead, Mike. 514 01:09:01,029 --> 01:09:02,189 -Here you go, friend. -Yep. 515 01:09:24,899 --> 01:09:27,569 I have seen many writers come and go. 516 01:09:31,189 --> 01:09:32,819 You have what it takes. 517 01:09:39,149 --> 01:09:40,689 I have something for you. 518 01:09:41,319 --> 01:09:42,319 Here. 519 01:09:44,069 --> 01:09:45,189 Here you go. 520 01:09:48,069 --> 01:09:51,569 It comes from the most spiritual beach on earth. 521 01:09:53,069 --> 01:09:54,069 Hold it. 522 01:09:56,279 --> 01:09:57,899 You can keep everything. 523 01:10:00,899 --> 01:10:02,779 You will hold it all, girl. 524 01:10:09,649 --> 01:10:10,689 So... 525 01:10:12,189 --> 01:10:13,569 What happens next? 526 01:10:16,689 --> 01:10:19,069 -Next? -Next. What's next? 527 01:10:19,279 --> 01:10:20,279 Next. 528 01:10:28,449 --> 01:10:30,779 I want to write "The Storm and the Fury." 529 01:10:42,319 --> 01:10:44,399 Of course you want it, friend. 530 01:10:45,949 --> 01:10:47,149 Oh, gosh... 531 01:10:52,689 --> 01:10:55,569 -Throw it and see if I can catch it. -Ready? 532 01:10:57,029 --> 01:10:58,189 Damn too! 533 01:11:02,279 --> 01:11:04,949 Everything depended on whether it would go in. 534 01:11:08,449 --> 01:11:10,689 It has no metaphor. 535 01:11:11,949 --> 01:11:14,029 -Okay. -Damn metaphors. 536 01:11:14,779 --> 01:11:16,819 -Okay. -It's just a rock that fell. 537 01:11:26,149 --> 01:11:29,319 -I'm going to get the stone and go pee. -Sure. 538 01:11:30,819 --> 01:11:32,649 That's right, yes! You fix it. 539 01:11:36,319 --> 01:11:38,649 That was the last time I saw him. 540 01:11:39,449 --> 01:11:41,189 You can write, girl! 541 01:11:41,569 --> 01:11:44,689 In my opinion, he drowned. 542 01:11:47,319 --> 01:11:51,649 III. THE WET 543 01:11:51,819 --> 01:11:55,589 Caddie wants to fuck. She's insatiable, 544 01:11:55,689 --> 01:11:59,689 and because the guy next door has a huge bulge in his pants 545 01:11:59,819 --> 01:12:02,399 and a sound coming out of him instead of language, 546 01:12:02,569 --> 01:12:05,819 She goes over to him and takes off all her clothes, 547 01:12:06,029 --> 01:12:08,319 so he finally fucks her 548 01:12:09,029 --> 01:12:10,779 and crushes her. 549 01:12:12,649 --> 01:12:16,819 He fucks her to death, and she loves it! 550 01:12:17,569 --> 01:12:20,689 She laughs until she cries and an ambulance has to come. 551 01:12:20,899 --> 01:12:22,649 But it's too late. 552 01:12:23,649 --> 01:12:25,569 It's "The Storm and the Fury". 553 01:12:27,149 --> 01:12:28,149 Banal. 554 01:12:29,569 --> 01:12:32,069 I have already read "The Storm and the Fury". 555 01:12:32,689 --> 01:12:35,529 Reworking Faulkner is just college crap. 556 01:12:40,189 --> 01:12:41,819 Maybe try something original. 557 01:12:44,949 --> 01:12:47,949 God, I hate them. 558 01:12:49,649 --> 01:12:51,529 What the hell does he know? 559 01:12:51,949 --> 01:12:55,319 It's original. It's a fucking pastiche. 560 01:12:59,399 --> 01:13:01,769 Hey, do you want to go to the coast? I got us a room. 561 01:13:01,949 --> 01:13:02,949 Hi, Hannah. 562 01:13:03,319 --> 01:13:07,319 -We're actually going to work on these this weekend. -Come on. Your fly is open. 563 01:13:08,569 --> 01:13:09,569 Lids... 564 01:13:10,819 --> 01:13:12,189 What is that? 565 01:13:16,569 --> 01:13:18,029 Do it if you dare. 566 01:13:20,649 --> 01:13:21,649 Come on. 567 01:13:22,689 --> 01:13:23,949 Something. 568 01:13:24,899 --> 01:13:26,189 At any time. 569 01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:28,189 Anywhere. 570 01:13:28,949 --> 01:13:29,949 -Please, be careful. -Anything. Anytime. Anywhere. 571 01:13:30,029 --> 01:13:33,069 To feel absolutely nothing. 572 01:13:37,649 --> 01:13:41,279 -I'm going to get some firewood. -Don't do anything I wouldn't do. 573 01:14:04,319 --> 01:14:05,949 Is this some kind of... 574 01:14:07,569 --> 01:14:09,069 ...a fucking trip? 575 01:14:14,149 --> 01:14:15,149 And? 576 01:14:17,449 --> 01:14:19,779 I've never... I've never liked pussy. 577 01:15:29,069 --> 01:15:31,279 I wanted to stay there. 578 01:15:40,569 --> 01:15:42,899 Beyond all words. 579 01:15:48,279 --> 01:15:50,819 Inside the nameless wet. 580 01:16:18,569 --> 01:16:19,899 Are you okay? 581 01:17:06,819 --> 01:17:08,529 I love you, Lids. 582 01:17:19,279 --> 01:17:20,819 I really love you. 583 01:17:43,949 --> 01:17:45,069 See you later. 584 01:17:59,319 --> 01:18:00,569 In water, 585 01:18:01,949 --> 01:18:03,449 like in books, 586 01:18:06,949 --> 01:18:08,569 can you leave your life? 587 01:18:31,029 --> 01:18:32,069 I took it! I took it. 588 01:18:33,029 --> 01:18:35,399 -I remember a happy childhood. -Come on, come on! 589 01:18:36,949 --> 01:18:40,949 -We dive, we swim, we compete. -You were fast that time. 590 01:18:41,149 --> 01:18:43,819 We laugh like other people's children. 591 01:18:53,279 --> 01:18:57,189 I remember first and last names like Evie Kosenkranius 592 01:18:57,319 --> 01:18:58,819 and Lynn Colella-Bell. 593 01:18:59,029 --> 01:19:00,689 Lynn Colella-Bell. Lynn Colella-Bell. Lynn Colella-Bell. 594 01:19:05,569 --> 01:19:07,899 Make song loops in my head. 595 01:19:33,029 --> 01:19:34,449 Glandular fever? 596 01:19:35,449 --> 01:19:37,279 Isn't that the kissing bug? 597 01:19:41,819 --> 01:19:43,189 No. Don't be stupid. 598 01:19:46,279 --> 01:19:50,289 Everything will be okay, Belle. You'll see. You'll feel better. 599 01:19:53,819 --> 01:19:56,189 And your dad will take good care of you. 600 01:19:58,319 --> 01:20:00,069 -Are you sure you want to? -We'll be fine. 601 01:20:00,319 --> 01:20:02,569 Mom is going to go sell some houses. 602 01:20:05,569 --> 01:20:06,819 Hey, old lady. 603 01:20:12,569 --> 01:20:14,069 My little girl. 604 01:20:15,069 --> 01:20:17,279 In a few days it will be over. 605 01:20:23,649 --> 01:20:26,189 -Language allows me to express... -That's right, yes. 606 01:20:26,819 --> 01:20:29,529 ...how four weeks can be years. 607 01:20:32,029 --> 01:20:36,069 It is the malleable surface of a white page. 608 01:21:15,779 --> 01:21:17,819 Have you shown these to anyone? 609 01:21:20,529 --> 01:21:21,529 The best. 610 01:21:29,779 --> 01:21:32,029 Skin, scars... 611 01:21:35,029 --> 01:21:39,949 People always ask me why my work is so dark. 612 01:21:42,189 --> 01:21:44,649 What do you know about pain, Lidia? 613 01:21:49,949 --> 01:21:50,949 I know 614 01:21:53,319 --> 01:21:55,319 that it matters to me. 615 01:21:57,779 --> 01:21:59,689 I'll take care of you. 616 01:22:03,899 --> 01:22:05,149 Do you understand? 617 01:22:11,029 --> 01:22:13,069 Ask me what you want now. 618 01:22:21,399 --> 01:22:23,189 That's not true, angel. 619 01:22:28,029 --> 01:22:29,149 I... 620 01:22:30,319 --> 01:22:33,189 ...wants you to... 621 01:22:37,449 --> 01:22:39,689 Knock it out of me. 622 01:22:45,689 --> 01:22:47,029 ...whip me. 623 01:22:48,449 --> 01:22:52,899 Where do you want to be whipped, angel? 624 01:22:56,779 --> 01:22:57,779 Everywhere. 625 01:23:03,779 --> 01:23:05,449 Take it somewhere. 626 01:23:08,689 --> 01:23:10,569 Take the pain somewhere. 627 01:23:17,319 --> 01:23:18,529 Mother. 628 01:23:29,069 --> 01:23:30,779 I am proud of you. 629 01:23:42,529 --> 01:23:44,819 I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable. 630 01:23:52,779 --> 01:23:54,569 I try to be precise. 631 01:24:00,949 --> 01:24:04,029 IV. REVIVALS 632 01:24:04,189 --> 01:24:06,919 "Then mom whined, dad smelled my pussy. 633 01:24:07,149 --> 01:24:08,949 "My finest hour has arrived," he explained. 634 01:24:09,149 --> 01:24:12,319 I was sure what he meant. It's the moment of truth. 635 01:24:12,449 --> 01:24:14,449 I go on, on, on, jerk off. 636 01:24:14,649 --> 01:24:17,689 My hands are going to break. I don't even recognize my body. 637 01:24:17,819 --> 01:24:20,819 Doesn't matter. I know you're mine. I made you, I'm making you. 638 01:24:21,029 --> 01:24:25,429 I swore to live for pleasure. My tongue is huge. It reaches down to my waist. 639 01:24:25,689 --> 01:24:28,449 You see your real father in his moment of truth. 640 01:24:28,649 --> 01:24:31,779 Almighty God, nothing matters. You are my God, my daughter. 641 01:24:31,949 --> 01:24:34,279 I worship you. Make it so I can satisfy you. Look at it. 642 01:24:34,449 --> 01:24:37,649 It's big in my corkscrew hand. Kiss it. 643 01:24:37,819 --> 01:24:41,189 My father explained again, I am God and I created God. Goddammit! 644 01:24:41,319 --> 01:24:45,189 Just look at God and he is happy because I made him come. 645 01:24:45,319 --> 01:24:48,279 God is in heaven. I am in heaven and I have died. 646 01:24:48,449 --> 01:24:50,689 I'm coming all over your face. I licked up his cum. 647 01:24:50,819 --> 01:24:52,279 -This disgusts me. 648 01:25:05,449 --> 01:25:08,529 ALLEGORIES OF VIOLENCE 649 01:25:12,069 --> 01:25:13,949 Who the hell do you think you are? 650 01:25:16,569 --> 01:25:18,279 My father's daughter. 651 01:25:27,069 --> 01:25:30,029 I am a woman who talks to herself in lies. 652 01:25:59,949 --> 01:26:01,319 Damn it. 653 01:26:02,189 --> 01:26:03,189 Year one. 654 01:26:03,529 --> 01:26:04,689 Vodka! 655 01:26:07,279 --> 01:26:10,189 I drink vodka, mostly all the time. 656 01:26:10,399 --> 01:26:14,279 -A shot straight in, straight in. -And felt nothing about myself. 657 01:26:18,069 --> 01:26:22,779 We drink, we laugh, we fuck. We make fucking body paint shadows. 658 01:26:24,779 --> 01:26:27,189 We do performance art. We perform ourselves. 659 01:26:27,399 --> 01:26:29,569 Damn you, God! 660 01:26:37,449 --> 01:26:38,779 Open the door! 661 01:26:40,689 --> 01:26:42,819 Carving each other's names into our arms. 662 01:26:43,029 --> 01:26:44,689 I did it for you! 663 01:26:53,029 --> 01:26:54,189 We fuck infected. 664 01:26:54,399 --> 01:26:56,649 It was right in front of me, Devin. I saw exactly what happened. 665 01:26:56,819 --> 01:26:59,819 -You don't even understand. -What?! 666 01:26:59,949 --> 01:27:01,899 That I will marry you. 667 01:27:06,189 --> 01:27:07,649 For Mike and Dorothy! 668 01:27:08,689 --> 01:27:10,779 I'm so glad they fucked. 669 01:27:13,819 --> 01:27:19,069 To jump to year six when underwater stories start to rub off 670 01:27:19,449 --> 01:27:21,819 and screams start a rhythm where the drinking gets louder... 671 01:27:22,029 --> 01:27:25,399 Go and kiss women I know and don't know! 672 01:27:25,569 --> 01:27:27,649 What is a couple over time if not a replica? 673 01:27:27,819 --> 01:27:31,529 I'll give you a fucking retort. Your fucking bullshit is taking over the house! 674 01:27:31,689 --> 01:27:34,319 It was taking over the house. 675 01:28:01,319 --> 01:28:03,029 I don't want to fuck. 676 01:28:04,779 --> 01:28:06,529 I want to read. 677 01:28:08,449 --> 01:28:09,689 Damn you. 678 01:28:15,319 --> 01:28:17,149 I didn't want to drink. 679 01:28:19,449 --> 01:28:20,649 I wanted to write. 680 01:28:30,029 --> 01:28:32,149 What is a couple over time? 681 01:28:36,949 --> 01:28:39,449 Year seven. I finished my thesis. 682 01:28:45,779 --> 01:28:47,949 In year eight I earned a doctorate. 683 01:29:04,189 --> 01:29:05,279 Year ten. 684 01:29:06,449 --> 01:29:07,689 We pretend. 685 01:29:12,149 --> 01:29:13,319 You said 686 01:29:16,949 --> 01:29:19,319 that you would love me until I die. 687 01:29:24,069 --> 01:29:26,529 You said we would die together in love. 688 01:29:40,319 --> 01:29:42,189 You told me. 689 01:29:46,449 --> 01:29:47,899 Where are you? 690 01:29:54,689 --> 01:29:56,449 Where is the man? 691 01:30:12,449 --> 01:30:14,779 Who would love a woman like me? 692 01:30:58,149 --> 01:30:59,689 Don't dare. 693 01:32:45,189 --> 01:32:47,689 The date for your reading aloud is June 15, 1998. 694 01:33:01,449 --> 01:33:03,689 "The date of your reading aloud." 695 01:33:26,689 --> 01:33:27,689 What then? 696 01:33:51,779 --> 01:33:53,399 Welcome up... 697 01:33:58,689 --> 01:34:02,319 ...reads an excerpt from his first collection of short stories "Her Other Mouths". 698 01:34:03,529 --> 01:34:05,189 Lidia Yuknavitch. 699 01:34:08,189 --> 01:34:09,949 Lidia, welcome up. 700 01:34:25,449 --> 01:34:27,569 "The day my daughter was born. 701 01:34:29,689 --> 01:34:31,689 After I held the future. 702 01:34:35,819 --> 01:34:37,319 Still-born. 703 01:34:40,689 --> 01:34:41,899 And pink. 704 01:34:46,899 --> 01:34:48,449 And rosy-lipped. 705 01:34:51,069 --> 01:34:54,319 And rose-lipped in my trembling arms. 706 01:34:54,899 --> 01:34:58,919 Small tragedies are hard to keep track of. 707 01:35:03,779 --> 01:35:07,189 Chronology convinces us that we are moving towards a real place. 708 01:35:07,319 --> 01:35:09,529 'Swimmers, in your places.' 709 01:35:11,069 --> 01:35:12,189 A gunshot. 710 01:35:12,689 --> 01:35:15,779 A gunshot released our tense flesh. 711 01:35:16,569 --> 01:35:21,419 Fathers were often untenable while the little women swam for their lives. 712 01:35:21,649 --> 01:35:22,819 'Swim. 713 01:35:24,279 --> 01:35:25,689 Swim! 714 01:35:26,189 --> 01:35:27,319 Hurry! 715 01:35:28,819 --> 01:35:30,319 Come on, honey. 716 01:35:31,649 --> 01:35:32,819 Harder. 717 01:35:33,279 --> 01:35:34,449 Harder! 718 01:35:35,029 --> 01:35:36,449 Faster!' 719 01:35:36,819 --> 01:35:39,689 A cacophony of men swelling 720 01:35:39,949 --> 01:35:43,319 and presses down against the wet movement. 721 01:35:45,189 --> 01:35:49,069 How many times did I slip into the chlorinated depths 722 01:35:50,029 --> 01:35:54,449 and secretly hoped to shed this worthless skin 723 01:35:54,689 --> 01:35:57,149 and get something out... 724 01:36:01,779 --> 01:36:03,189 ...amphibious 725 01:36:05,319 --> 01:36:06,949 and genderless? 726 01:36:15,319 --> 01:36:16,399 The thing is 727 01:36:20,689 --> 01:36:24,189 that this thing about letting it all in 728 01:36:25,689 --> 01:36:28,569 and wait and see what comes out 729 01:36:31,689 --> 01:36:32,819 is scary 730 01:36:34,569 --> 01:36:35,819 and idiotic. 731 01:36:37,689 --> 01:36:41,279 And it's starting to piss me off. 732 01:36:41,449 --> 01:36:45,689 that I even have to think about it all. 733 01:36:46,569 --> 01:36:48,029 What I'm saying is... 734 01:36:52,569 --> 01:36:57,319 There's a woman in a room who's tired of looking down 735 01:36:59,949 --> 01:37:01,319 and bleed 736 01:37:03,779 --> 01:37:07,399 and endure, long and yearn 737 01:37:08,569 --> 01:37:11,949 and am tired of being open 738 01:37:12,689 --> 01:37:16,449 without hope of sewing itself together. 739 01:37:26,819 --> 01:37:29,529 It's not that I want it to disappear. 740 01:37:32,819 --> 01:37:33,899 That's just it. 741 01:37:34,949 --> 01:37:36,319 that I want... 742 01:37:36,779 --> 01:37:38,069 To want... 743 01:37:39,819 --> 01:37:42,949 ...come from somewhere else. 744 01:37:48,779 --> 01:37:54,029 There are moments years apart that emerge with great power." 745 01:37:55,069 --> 01:37:56,649 -Remind me why we're here. 746 01:37:56,819 --> 01:37:59,449 -I thought it was your idea. -I came here with you. 747 01:38:05,149 --> 01:38:06,449 Delusion. 748 01:38:08,819 --> 01:38:11,069 Grown women are idiots. 749 01:38:12,319 --> 01:38:13,449 I don't know. 750 01:38:14,649 --> 01:38:15,949 She begged. 751 01:38:32,399 --> 01:38:33,529 Lydia! Lydia! 752 01:38:41,949 --> 01:38:42,849 -Turn him around. 753 01:38:42,949 --> 01:38:44,149 -Help me! 754 01:39:03,529 --> 01:39:04,689 "Kill. 755 01:39:06,189 --> 01:39:08,819 Or suck back the killing. 756 01:39:13,069 --> 01:39:14,649 And pump it in 757 01:39:15,689 --> 01:39:18,819 in the story of someone else. 758 01:39:22,149 --> 01:39:26,769 My father lost his memory from lack of oxygen that day. 759 01:39:30,949 --> 01:39:32,779 I didn't kill him. 760 01:39:34,819 --> 01:39:36,449 I didn't save him. 761 01:39:38,149 --> 01:39:41,689 "I'm learning to live on land." 762 01:39:50,689 --> 01:39:52,279 Thank you for... 763 01:40:07,819 --> 01:40:10,949 Have your parents read the story? What do they think about it? 764 01:40:11,149 --> 01:40:13,399 Have a great time in New York. Get an agent. 765 01:40:17,569 --> 01:40:20,569 Lidia, so nice to meet you. Thank you for being here. 766 01:40:20,949 --> 01:40:22,069 Excuse me. 767 01:40:23,189 --> 01:40:25,149 Do you have anything... 768 01:40:26,029 --> 01:40:28,029 ...a little stronger? 769 01:40:28,949 --> 01:40:29,949 Tack. 770 01:40:35,069 --> 01:40:37,529 Carol Houck Smith, Norton Publishing. 771 01:40:39,279 --> 01:40:40,819 It's really impressive what you did up there. 772 01:40:42,819 --> 01:40:43,949 Tack. 773 01:40:45,569 --> 01:40:48,649 No, seriously. It didn't look easy. 774 01:40:50,069 --> 01:40:52,949 Is there anything else that came from there? 775 01:40:53,279 --> 01:40:55,149 Maybe something a little longer? 776 01:40:58,819 --> 01:41:00,649 You should send me something. 777 01:41:05,899 --> 01:41:07,279 That's just it. 778 01:41:09,949 --> 01:41:14,069 that something in me had been born... 779 01:41:15,319 --> 01:41:16,649 ...stillborn. 780 01:41:21,689 --> 01:41:29,319 V. THE OTHER SIDE OF DROWNING 781 01:41:48,649 --> 01:41:51,069 It's a small stone I carry. 782 01:41:55,029 --> 01:41:57,819 The shame of wanting something good. 783 01:42:46,149 --> 01:42:47,819 My life! 784 01:44:56,569 --> 01:44:58,689 Fucking garbage. 785 01:45:00,819 --> 01:45:02,149 Hey, what are you doing? Keep working. 786 01:45:22,189 --> 01:45:23,189 Hello. 787 01:45:27,279 --> 01:45:30,399 The chopping block. Peer evaluation. 788 01:45:30,569 --> 01:45:31,949 Who wants to start? 789 01:45:33,819 --> 01:45:37,399 It's very helpful. You can't live a wrong life. 790 01:45:37,779 --> 01:45:42,189 That's the story you were told. Yours is just as important. It's your own. 791 01:45:42,319 --> 01:45:45,279 It must hurt, but I'm happy for you. 792 01:46:36,449 --> 01:46:38,069 I don't give a damn! 793 01:46:41,689 --> 01:46:45,069 Something small and specific caught my attention, 794 01:46:45,279 --> 01:46:46,949 an important detail, 795 01:46:47,149 --> 01:46:49,399 a bruise on the bridge of her nose 796 01:46:49,569 --> 01:46:53,069 which made me realize that her eyes were blue, like mine. 797 01:46:55,399 --> 01:46:56,399 How much? 798 01:46:59,149 --> 01:47:03,069 I pay her pimp $100. I ask her to come in. 799 01:47:03,319 --> 01:47:05,069 I ask her to sit down. 800 01:47:08,449 --> 01:47:09,779 In the story I say: 801 01:47:10,569 --> 01:47:13,149 "This is what it feels like to be me." 802 01:47:14,189 --> 01:47:16,449 A woman who teaches English, 803 01:47:16,899 --> 01:47:19,949 looking down on a woman sucking cocks 804 01:47:20,149 --> 01:47:22,189 who sits on my couch all day 805 01:47:22,569 --> 01:47:23,819 and smokes. 806 01:47:25,449 --> 01:47:29,069 When I look at her, I think she looks like Maria. 807 01:47:30,779 --> 01:47:33,319 When I see a picture of Christ 808 01:47:33,779 --> 01:47:36,819 I imagine Maria so haggard, emaciated and tired 809 01:47:37,029 --> 01:47:40,819 and so angry to the point of being emaciated that she can barely bear her face. 810 01:47:51,069 --> 01:47:53,569 In the story I say: 811 01:47:56,069 --> 01:47:57,899 "What should I do? 812 01:47:58,819 --> 01:48:00,189 Teach her?" 813 01:48:03,029 --> 01:48:06,779 This is what I, an addict on the rise, 814 01:48:06,949 --> 01:48:12,189 I think when I am given something as infinitesimally small as words to believe in. 815 01:48:12,819 --> 01:48:14,069 I'm looking at her. 816 01:48:19,189 --> 01:48:20,819 Offers words. 817 01:48:34,319 --> 01:48:35,899 People tell me all the time: 818 01:48:37,689 --> 01:48:41,189 "Did those things in your stories really happen?" 819 01:48:44,449 --> 01:48:48,069 Isn't that the question? 820 01:48:49,319 --> 01:48:51,149 when it comes to life? 821 01:48:56,779 --> 01:48:59,319 Did this really happen to me? 822 01:49:07,529 --> 01:49:08,529 Andy. 823 01:49:10,449 --> 01:49:11,529 I don't know. 824 01:49:20,069 --> 01:49:22,689 Things that happen to us are true. 825 01:49:24,949 --> 01:49:29,189 But writing is a completely different thing. 826 01:49:30,069 --> 01:49:32,779 I was hoping we could discuss my script. 827 01:49:34,569 --> 01:49:35,819 Of course. Sure. 828 01:49:39,399 --> 01:49:41,569 I also want to lend you my car. 829 01:49:45,279 --> 01:49:47,189 I saw you take the bus. 830 01:49:48,319 --> 01:49:50,649 and I happen to have two cars. 831 01:50:28,449 --> 01:50:31,529 You can understand a lot about a person when you see them in the water. 832 01:50:33,399 --> 01:50:34,529 Tack. 833 01:50:38,029 --> 01:50:41,069 -For what? -Because I got to swim with you. 834 01:50:41,319 --> 01:50:45,449 I read a couple of your stories. I know swimming is a big deal. 835 01:50:46,189 --> 01:50:47,949 I always let my students choose their seat. 836 01:50:49,319 --> 01:50:52,649 I wanted to say that I've seen you a couple of times before. 837 01:50:53,189 --> 01:50:55,779 I read that Ken Kesey taught at the university, 838 01:50:55,949 --> 01:50:58,069 when I was abroad. I applied for the course, 839 01:50:58,189 --> 01:50:59,949 but it was already over. 840 01:51:00,319 --> 01:51:03,569 -That was like hell. How funny! -Yeah, I know. 841 01:51:03,689 --> 01:51:06,899 I saw you hobbling around in the creative writing department. 842 01:51:08,779 --> 01:51:11,069 I was at the reading you did at Gerlinger. 843 01:51:18,399 --> 01:51:19,569 That's weird. Weird. 844 01:51:19,949 --> 01:51:21,069 Strange. 845 01:51:24,449 --> 01:51:26,189 It was a strange day for me. 846 01:51:28,949 --> 01:51:29,949 Why? 847 01:51:38,779 --> 01:51:40,029 My father... 848 01:51:42,819 --> 01:51:43,949 ...was mine... 849 01:51:45,149 --> 01:51:46,189 My father... 850 01:51:49,689 --> 01:51:50,689 From the lighthouse? 851 01:51:53,449 --> 01:51:55,069 ...abused me. 852 01:51:57,949 --> 01:51:59,069 From the lighthouse. 853 01:52:02,189 --> 01:52:03,189 How then? 854 01:52:05,689 --> 01:52:06,899 Sexually. 855 01:52:10,529 --> 01:52:11,689 It sucks. 856 01:52:21,029 --> 01:52:23,819 I hope he got a big karma slap. 857 01:52:29,689 --> 01:52:31,689 He actually got it. 858 01:52:32,949 --> 01:52:34,449 That was good. 859 01:52:43,449 --> 01:52:46,449 It was a long time ago. I was a completely different person then. 860 01:53:00,149 --> 01:53:02,689 So, teacher, are you going to take my car? 861 01:53:26,649 --> 01:53:29,689 I don't really know how to tell you how I feel. 862 01:53:32,819 --> 01:53:36,279 to see the little woman swimming for her life. 863 01:53:39,069 --> 01:53:40,319 I mean... 864 01:54:02,279 --> 01:54:03,949 Are you completely fucking crazy? 865 01:54:11,569 --> 01:54:12,689 The best. 866 01:54:22,399 --> 01:54:24,819 You think I'm someone else. 867 01:54:32,189 --> 01:54:34,189 I can see the mother in you. 868 01:54:43,689 --> 01:54:46,949 There is more to your story than you think. 869 01:56:43,319 --> 01:56:44,529 -That's great. -That's it. 870 01:56:44,689 --> 01:56:45,899 Very nice. 871 01:56:46,689 --> 01:56:49,069 We're just going to go this way, to the left. 872 01:57:11,069 --> 01:57:12,649 And the room? 873 01:57:13,319 --> 01:57:16,149 They said it would be ready tomorrow, for sure. 874 01:57:20,399 --> 01:57:23,189 It must have been a strange ride. 875 01:57:28,819 --> 01:57:29,819 Tack. 876 01:57:30,189 --> 01:57:32,569 You never have to say thank you to me. 877 01:57:40,189 --> 01:57:43,189 -I'm fine. -Are you sure? 878 01:57:43,899 --> 01:57:44,899 Sure. 879 01:57:59,189 --> 01:58:00,189 Hey, Dad. 880 01:58:00,399 --> 01:58:03,819 -Marilou? -No, it's me. It's Lidia. 881 01:58:05,069 --> 01:58:07,069 I know, old man. 882 01:58:17,689 --> 01:58:18,899 I have read this book. 883 01:58:20,149 --> 01:58:21,149 -Yes? -Yes. 884 01:58:23,319 --> 01:58:24,689 Do you know who wrote it? 885 01:58:29,819 --> 01:58:30,819 Of. 886 01:58:31,649 --> 01:58:32,689 That's right. 887 01:58:36,569 --> 01:58:38,689 Did you read all the stories? 888 01:58:41,189 --> 01:58:43,279 It was one about swimming. 889 01:58:45,819 --> 01:58:46,819 I liked it. 890 01:58:48,949 --> 01:58:49,949 Tack. 891 01:58:52,449 --> 01:58:54,689 But not very flattering to me. 892 01:59:08,279 --> 01:59:12,189 I won an award for that story. 893 01:59:13,189 --> 01:59:14,899 I had to go to New York. 894 01:59:24,819 --> 01:59:26,399 Yes, not bad. 895 01:59:31,189 --> 01:59:32,319 It's nice here. 896 01:59:36,649 --> 01:59:38,449 It's a real home you have here. 897 01:59:43,319 --> 01:59:44,319 Well done. 898 01:59:45,779 --> 01:59:47,029 Well done of you. 899 01:59:48,819 --> 01:59:52,779 The safest memories are locked in the brains of people who don't remember. 900 01:59:54,279 --> 01:59:55,529 Take her, Mike! 901 01:59:56,649 --> 01:59:59,449 You know I don't swim. - Claudia, get your sister! 902 02:00:01,819 --> 02:00:03,569 Underwater forever. 903 02:00:05,689 --> 02:00:07,069 There you go, friend. 904 02:00:08,819 --> 02:00:10,569 Look, I'm 'immuring! 905 02:00:22,819 --> 02:00:24,189 What is it? 906 02:00:24,399 --> 02:00:29,649 The water will go into my nose, my ears, and into my brain. 907 02:00:32,189 --> 02:00:33,319 Miles... 908 02:00:35,819 --> 02:00:41,689 How many times have you seen mom swim? 909 02:00:43,399 --> 02:00:45,029 Many times, right? 910 02:00:45,529 --> 02:00:46,949 Have you ever thought about 911 02:00:48,069 --> 02:00:50,779 that I've never had water on my brain? 912 02:00:55,449 --> 02:00:57,819 The water has never entered my brain. 913 02:00:58,029 --> 02:01:00,689 Do you want to see? Watch this. 914 02:01:01,029 --> 02:01:03,399 Tell me how much water is going into my brain. Okay? 915 02:01:14,069 --> 02:01:15,069 Do you see? 916 02:01:16,949 --> 02:01:18,149 Okay, pull. 917 02:01:18,449 --> 02:01:21,189 I have a very important game. 918 02:01:23,149 --> 02:01:26,319 I'm going to put my whole head under the water. 919 02:01:28,189 --> 02:01:31,279 And we'll look at each other underwater. 920 02:01:33,149 --> 02:01:35,899 -What kind of game is that? -I made it up. 921 02:01:48,319 --> 02:01:49,569 The key is 922 02:01:51,529 --> 02:01:53,189 to find shit. 923 02:02:02,529 --> 02:02:05,689 What I'm saying is not nonsense. 924 02:02:07,779 --> 02:02:08,779 Come in. 925 02:02:12,189 --> 02:02:14,069 The water will hold you. 926 02:07:47,569 --> 02:07:52,189 Undertexter: Lisa Di Biaggio www.junefirst.tv62808

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