Original subtitles

-Welcome to Ashfield Place.

-Now, I'm Samira. And that's Miles.

We really went from city loft to lawn so fast.

Robert: We did everything so fast.

-How long has that house been empty?

Robert: Twenty years, give or take.

-This is a cul-de-sac. People are weird.

Dana: You've been keeping tabs on us

through the window, Jimmy Stewart?

Which one of us is the murderer?

Your face.

-What's the deal with that Victorian house?

Lynn: A family lived there.

They had a daughter who-- Todd: Died.

Lynn: Maybe even-- Todd: Murdered.

Robert: She also keeps asking questions

about the house across the street.

Samira: Do you have a periodical section?

Judy: I'm afraid that March volume

has been checked out.

Lynn: It was an all-cash deal.

-Uh-uh. Those are for the new neighbor.

I just wanna know what his deal is, don't you?

-Hands where I could see 'em. -What's happening?

-We got a call about a trespasser

at the old Grant house.

Lynn: This is lunacy. -I think we should stay.

-There's space in the community

and our family's not gonna be

run out by some racist,

brownie-hating prick.

-Goodnight, Alison.

-I still wanna be Samira too.

Uh...

Miles? Miles?

Oh, Miles.

Miles! Miles!

Ah!

Oh.

Miles!

Miles.

Oh. Oh.

-I'm coming, Miles.

Ow.

-Miles. No.

Gary: Hello, neighbor.

- No.

No.

Robert: Hey. Hey.

It's okay. You're safe.

I had a bad dream.

Lynn: Shoo. Shoo.

Shoo. Shoo.

-Huh. Okay.

-Agnes' dog took a dump on Lynn's lawn again.

-Please, honey.

-That man still hasn't touched my brownies.

You okay, Miles? -Oh, yeah?

-He's too busy being a racist

than putting up no trespassing signs

that point directly at your house.

Please don't get obsessed.

-I'm not. Naveen: Can you blame her?

The guy called the cops on her. -Thank you.

-Okay. We need to take these down.

We should keep our distance.

He does his thing. We do ours.

We live across the street from this weird prick.

Let's just leave it at that.

-I love the lobster dicks.

-Absolutely not.

-No. Yeah. The dicks have gotta go.

-But why would he move into a murder house?

-It's not a murder house. No one got murdered there.

-Seriously, don't believe those stupid stories

about her parents killing her

and burying her in the basement.

It's so ridiculous.

-Who said that?

-What? -Naveen.

-What's the story? -There's no story.

-You just referred to a story. Naveen: I know, but it's not--

-Do you think there's truth to the story?

-I don't think so.

-You don't think so? You don't know so?

-Uh, I...

Where there's smoke, there's fire

and it's burnin'.

-Oh, there is no smoke 'cause there's no fire

and there's no burning 'cause it's nonsense.

It's a small town myth, nothing more.

-You're a good fucking lawyer, you know that?

-You bet I do. -And you're an idiot.

We gotta go.

What just happened to me?

-I love you

and I love you too, little man.

Make sure your mama doesn't get in trouble

while I'm gone, okay?

Bye. I hate leaving you alone all day.

-Exactly.

- I can't stop thinking about the other night.

It's horrible seeing Samira that scared, seeing Danny.

Oh, I fucking hate that guy.

-Why is it always like the biggest douchebag

in high school that grows up to be a cop?

-Always. Fuck that guy.

-Fuck that guy.

You know, he still calls me Naveen the Peen

every time I run into him.

-I mean, it does have quite a nice ring to it.

-But you've got Quidditch Bitch which became...

Benedict Cumberbitch. -Benedict Cumberbitch, yeah.

He was quite creative.

-I was an easy target.

-Forgive me for not asking you this, like, decades ago.

How did you deal with all of that,

you know, being one of the few non-White kids in our class?

-I wouldn't have survived if I held on to everything

that was ever said about me or done to me.

You're raising a Black son, man.

You kind of realize this shit goes way further

than anything else.

People are assholes everywhere.

-Dannys Dannys everywhere. -Uh-hmm.

Look, dwelling is not gonna get you anywhere.

New plan. You gotta do what Brits do.

Bottle it up and bury it deep into the crevices of your soul.

-I don't wanna do that, mate.

Not with Samira and Miles.

It's not healthy.

Or at least that's what Samira's therapist told her to tell me.

-Do I need therapy?

-Oh. I mean, extensive.

-Okay. You're here and you're committing.

You gotta re-frame and put down roots.

Let this go and move on for Miles...

for all of you.

-Thanks, Naveen the Peen.

-You're welcome, Benedict Cumberbitch.

It's my neighbor.

Don't you make a move.

I'll be right back, Miles.

Be right back.

May I help you?

-I'm Samira. I live across the street.

-Gary Lawson. Pleasure.

-And I want to introduce myself

so there are no more misunderstandings.

-I'm not sure I'm understanding the misunderstandings.

-You told the cops that you saw a Black person

trespassing on your property the other day.

That's what you said, right? -I'm sorry.

I had--I had no idea that was you.

-Well, now you know. Gary: Yeah.

The house has been sitting vacant.

So, I figured anyone coming around

must be a squatter or a vagrant.

-Well, I'm a litigator. -Oh, well, look at that.

You know what they say when you assume?

-You're an asshole.

-Something like that, yeah.

Just so you know...

it wasn't a race thing.

-It's usually a race thing.

-I assure you...

Never mind.

You know what?

I'm not big on sweets.

-No problem.

Doing some gardening?

-I'm renovating.

House needs a lot of work.

But it has good bones.

-Your phone seems to be crying.

-Excuse me.

-Bye, neighbor.

-Somethin' not right about that man.

Remember what I say, Miles, believe women. Okay?

We have instincts, gut, maternal,

killer, basic instincts.

Rob? Oh, my goodness.

I thought I locked the door.

-Nobody locks their doors around here, honey.

-We do. We're lockers.

-What the hell happened out there?

Samira: It was the smugness that pissed me off.

I mean, there was no remorse in his voice, zero.

Not an ounce.

-Wow, you are a natural.

Oh, it's all muscle memory.

I was always good with babies.

Older kids, not so much.

And teenagers, forget about it.

They wake up one day and just decide to hate you.

My kids and I fought so much.

I'm surprised they never ran away.

But they adored Marty.

Everybody did.

-I wish I got a chance to meet him.

Lynn: Me too, sweetie.

-Thank you. I didn't know how much I needed the company.

-I assume Bev Fisher offers minimal help?

-Warmth is not exactly her style.

-She's very British.

-When we're in the hospital, she and Don came.

You know, they gave Miles a stuffed rabbit

and told us that they were going on a cruise forever.

-Small favors.

-It's definitely a huge favor

that they gave us this house, but...

-Yeah. -...that's how they show love,

through grand gestures and minimal emotion.

But I'm really glad that Rob didn't turn out that way.

-You need your village...

and I'm gonna tell them to bring food.

Todd: Usually, you have to wait 24 hours

to give one this size,

but I am a Hinkley hero's hero.

It's part of their loyalty program.

-Loyalty?

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Hinkley Hills is like... Samira: Thanks.

-...a community, you know, people care.

They watch out for each other.

-Or just watch each other.

-A street light'll go out, it's fixed right away.

There's a pothole, it's filled overnight magically.

It's like military precision.

Samira: Hmm. -It's...

it's like Disneyland.

-Or Singapore,

which I guess is kind of like Disneyland

but with corporal punishment.

-Todd, clearly, you have never

gotten in real trouble at Disneyland.

It's no joke, Todd. -Okay.

-And it is the safest town in America.

-Is it? Do you actually trust the burger place

that claims they have the best burger in the country?

-Well, yes.

-Oh, don't move. I'll get it.

-Okay. Thanks, Lynn.

-Oh, God. -Who is it?

-The evil overlord.

-Mickey?

Lynn: Agnes. -Lynn.

-Hi, Agnes. -Hello.

-Hi. -Hello. Oh, my goodness.

Looks like a party.

-Are you going to arrest us for having a nice time?

Oh, I would offer you something

but, uh, there isn't enough.

-Samira, dear. -Samira.

-I got a call from my very, very dear friend,

your mother-in-law, who gave me the welcome news

that you and Robert and Milo... -Miles.

-...decided to make Hinkley Hills

your permanent home.

So, as president of the Hinkley Hills

Homeowners Association,

it's incumbent upon me to tell you...

that we're thrilled. Samira: Oh.

-And you are very, very welcome here.

-Well, thank you so much. Agnes: And to give you your

official HOA handbook...

-Okay. -...helpful hints,

bylaws about the way we like to do things around here.

-Okay.

Agnes: Everything is right in there.

Think of it as your new Bible.

-If you don't, fury will reign down

upon the heads of the unbelieving.

-If you're referring to the dispute of April 24th, Lynn,

proper trash disposal and containment

is essential in neighborhoods

with wild land and urban interface.

We are not looking to lure any unwanted creatures...

-Like yourself. -...let alone

their attendant pathogens

into our environment.

The next global pandemic

is not starting on my block.

I'll leave you to it.

-Yes, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am.

I'm sorry. I just really respond to her leadership style.

-If I was a little older.

-Oh, Todd.

Samira: So then Agnes shows up,

like she's watching the whole thing.

-She probably was.

She's watching all of the time.

Honestly, you leave your bins out

for more than a day she's on to you.

-She's so annoying.

She's get me in so much trouble when I was a teenager

with my mom, full nerd.

-Why? Weren't you like a nerd?

-Babe, I was not a nerd.

I was getting in trouble... -Oh.

-...all of the time. -Okay. For what?

-Crashing through hedges,

getting lit on hot lemonade in the woods.

I hate to break it to you but you married a bad boy.

- Come on. White boys would act too.

-What do you think here? Little Boy Blu?

Samira: Hmm. -Bit on the nose for a nursery?

-Yeah.

-Slate, Eau-de-Nil, masculine,

but without an agenda?

Hmm, not feeling it.

Kind of Blue, that's nice.

Miles Davis. -Miles Davis.

-Gotta be that, right? -It's perfect.

-This is great.

Nesting, focusing on our future.

- Oh, I also met the new neighbor today.

-Oh, God. -Yeah.

-What was the asshole doing?

-So I just...

-What?

Shit, shit, shit.

-Hello, neighbors.

-Hi.

-Have a good night.

Enjoy your nesting.

-Yup. He definitely heard us.

-Did you see his cart?

Axe, lighter fluid, quicklime, the hell?

That's a cart full of murder right there.

Samira: Good night brush.

Good night nobody.

Good night mush.

-And good night to the old lady whispering "hush."

-I never understood who "she" was.

I was always worried she was meant to symbolized death.

-Rob.

Sorry.

both: Good night stars.

Good night air.

Good night noises everywhere.

-We did it. -Yeah.

-Are you tearing up?

-I just hate goodbyes.

You know, I think I'm getting used

to this suburban silence.

-But you know what I'm not getting used to?

The decorations.

-What? You don't like decorative plates

on every wall?

-It's the pelicans. They're scaring me.

Am I in a house or a swamp?

-Moms and animal knickknacks, it's insane.

You give them one and then you blink, and bam,

pelicans everywhere.

-I can't wait for this little guy

to have his own room.

So we can draw him back down and get into it.

Shh.

So...

Rob.

-What's your deal?

-Well, as you can see, most of my childcare experience

is directly related to early infancy.

I know baby CPR, baby swim, and all baby games.

I'm almost too good at peekaboo.

Yeah, wow.

Uh, it's just very impressive.

-If you're concerned about my age, my references...

-No, it's not your age.

It's just...

It's hard to accept help.

-I get it, Mr. and Mrs. Fisher.

-It's fine. You can call us Rob and Samira.

-Okay.

Rob and Samira,

nobody can be you but you.

But rest assured, I am an excellent mother's helper.

I can help you run errands

and I'll just be an extra set of arms and ears

so you can sit down sometimes, relax,

and take a shower if you need.

-You're hired. -When can you start?

- Thank you.

Oh, and feel free to reach out to any of my references

for due diligence.

-Michelle Obama? -Michelle Obama?

Samira: You need help with it? Oh, wow.

-No, I got it. -A pro.

-Is that who I think it is?

-Oh, no. Uh-uh. -What's happening?

-It's Samira, right?

Sorry. I must sound like a total stalker. I'm Lauren.

My parents live across the street from you,

the Festersons?

Agnes and Bill? And I went to school with Rob.

God, like a million years ago.

We are actually dinosaurs, it's disgusting.

But it is so...

so nice to meet you?

-So nice to meet you too?

-Oh, no. Oh, no.

Who is this little lady killer?

Samira: That's Miles.

-But we are trying to stop him

from killing so many women.

Oh, you're funny.

I love funny.

Is your daughter as funny as you are?

-Well, I appreciate the suggestion

that I resemble Samira in any way,

but actually she's my client.

Rory. We've met.

Ainsley and I are both scouts. - Oh.

-She's the one that beats me on cookie sells every year.

-I beat everyone, not just you.

I'm very driven.

-I wish Ains had some of that drive

especially on our application to Hinkley Academy.

-Oh, I'm applying there too.

-We just came from Core Principles

and they do not hold back.

I'm so glad we finally got one here.

You should come with me some time.

-Oh, um, I haven't gotten back to working out.

-The dreaded fourth trimester.

Have you at least made it to Drinkley's?

It's a resto-bar. -I don't get out much.

-Ah, you must.

Drinkley's allows kids. Thank God.

Mommy can't cope without her gin.

-Mommy loves her cocktails.

-No, I don't. No, I don't.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

Let's do a bump.

-Oh.

And, ah, I got you.

We should double date sometime.

You, me, Rob,

my husband Danny, one of Hinkley Hills' finest.

-Officer Daniels is your husband?

- Aren't small towns just the best?

We'll text.

-Are they always like that? - Always.

Ready to go? -Yeah.

We got to stop one more place.

-Judy, you look lovely as ever.

Are those new earrings or you just

look prettier after lunch?

-I don't know how to answer that.

-Well, I need the regimen.

Anyway, can I take a look

at those Hinkley Hills Heralds we were talking about

the other day from March 2005? - No, I'm sorry,

they're still not back.

I can tell you, they are officially...

overdue. -Overdue?

That sounds like a disrespect

to the whole library system.

Who would have done that? -I've already said too much...

Confidentiality code.

Okay. Hardcore like HIPAA. I see you.

I guess I'll just have to come back.

-Oh, no, I married fedora guy.

-Recovering fedora guy. -Uh-hmm.

-Will you still love me if I relapse?

-I sure won't. Hey, just kidding.

Babe, are you sure you don't want me to take Miles

with me to wine night? It's very baby-friendly.

-I've got Miles on the monitor.

I'm a man who can multitask.

-You're so cute.

-Oh, my God.

You guys need to get a room.

-I'm this close to confiscating his key.

-I'm here to help clear.

-Yeah. Okay. Well, you guys have fun,

but don't get too lit and forget we had a baby.

Check this out.

I made us a nostalgia playlist.

I love being able to just pop over like this.

-I still cannot believe

that you and Megan bought the house next to my parents.

It's quite "Baby Reindeer." -I told you,

it's because Megan fell in love

with the open floor plan and natural light,

and not because I worship the altar of Don Fisher,

which I absolutely do.

Doesn't it feel good to Marie Kondo everything, man?

I'm really leaning into the whole minimalist look.

-Because Megan took everything?

-Yeah.

But now, I can moonwalk

from any point in my house to another point in my house

without hitting anything,

so that's, uh, a silver lining.

-Can you believe this?

It's insane. How did I get here?

-Physically or spiritually?

-I'm turning my childhood bedroom

into a nursery for my son.

I have a son.

-I always thought

that I'd beat you to having kids but...

I never fucking beat you at anything.

-Hey, you beat me to getting married...

Naveen: Hmm. -...and then divorced.

-And having a mustache.

Look at that guy.

-Oh, so wispy. -So wispy.

-I feel like my upper lip is pixelated.

- Puberty was not kind.

-You didn't tell me to shave that?

-I think you would have needed to shave a strong sneeze

and that thing would've gone.

Alison is not in here.

-Are you surprised?

-No, I...

I just...

-What?

-Everyone wanted to pretend like she was never even there.

-She probably just didn't show up for picture day.

-Okay. Walk with me on this one. -The Hokas are on.

-Gary Wilson, retired doctor, bought

what is effectively a rotting house

filled with ghost and secrets.

According to insiders, there's a rumor

that Alison Grants' parents killed her

and buried her in the basement.

And then when I confronted Gary,

he said that his house had "good bones."

Who says that? -Real estate agents,

architectural preservationist.

-Dogs, if they could speak.

-Not the way he said it.

-How did he say it? -Smirkingly.

Exhibit B. -What was Exhibit A again?

-Oh, it's the thing about the bones.

-Exhibit B, Rob and I saw Gary at the hardware store buying

what could conceivably be described

as a cart full of murder.

Axes, lighter fluid, and vinyl gloves,

which is shady as fuck.

Exhibit C, I had a paralegal at my firm

pull the records on the house and apparently,

it was sold to a trust.

Yeah, that's right. That means that whoever this guy is,

he's trying to hide his identity.

Gary Wilson might not even be his real name,

which leads me to two equally ineffable conclusions.

If Gary bought this house because he's a murder enthusiast

obsessed with the promise of a dead girl's bones

or...

he murdered Alison Grant 20 years ago

and had to come back to Hinkley Hills to bask

in the sick glory

of having gotten away with it.

Yes. And he could strike again.

Well, ma'am, thank you, ma'am.

I rest my case. Dana: Holy shit.

-Yeah, I don't think that makes sense.

-I agree that Gary is a certified asshole

but, uh, I mean, a murderer?

It's... -I mean, you know me.

I will fully climb on to that conspiracy train.

I mean, strap myself in, give me some snacks.

-Thank you, Dana. -I got you, girl.

-I trust my gut,

and my gut is screaming.

-Now that you mention it, I did see him in the woods

at night and it was a bit odd.

-If Todd says it's odd... -Say more.

-How are there more fedoras? -I completely forgot

how horrible magazines were

about women's weights back in the day.

Check this out.

"How to get a summer bikini body

in 14 days."

14 days?

No wonder they all went psycho.

Anything fun in there?

-Um, just junk, old CDs.

-Old CDs? Yo.

You think you got some of my old mixes?

I would love to crawl under the soul

of early -Naveen.

-What's in there?

-Nothing. -You're shrugging.

I know you're being shady when you're shrugging.

-No, dude.

Naveen: It's her phone.

Why the fuck do you still have her phone?

-I didn't know what else to do with it.

-You gotta get rid of it.

Get rid of it. -Okay. I will.

-Couldn't really tell what he was doing.

I had to give him space because I was nude.

-In the woods? Go on. -I was moon bathing.

-Oh, I love you, Todd. You're such a fucking freak

and I don't want you to ever change.

-Say more about Gary.

-Uh, he was digging a hole.

-How big? -Hard to say.

I mean, not big but not small.

-Person-sized?

-Yeah. Could be.

-Does anyone smell that?

-Is that smoke?

-I don't smell anything.

Am I having a stroke?

-Other way around.

-Oh, that's a whole ass-- -Fire!

-There's fire.

-Yes, we have a fire in the woods, Ashfield Place.

It's over by Ashfield Street near Ashfield Crossing.

When can you get here?

dispatcher: I don't know, ma'am.

-What do you mean you don't know?

Come on, we need urgency, man.

Jesus.

Lynn, get some flashlights. -On it.

-Okay. We're gonna have to go in.

-Wait, wait, shouldn't we wait for the fire trucks,

let the professionals handle this?

-We're gonna watch our houses burn down.

-So you're suggesting for us to go towards the danger?

-Yeah, it's the only way and I'm trained

in this situation, so follow my lead. Let's go.

- Here you go.

What's she doing?

-I don't know. -Is she okay?

-No, she's drunk.

Dana: It's further than I thought.

Todd: And what's the plan exactly?

Samira: What's wrong?

-Uh, yeah. Damn trick knees.

It just went out.

-Trick knee? Since when? -Yeah.

Go ahead in front of me.

And I'll flank the rear.

Go ahead. Lynn: You'll what the rear?

-She's gonna flank it. Lynn: Oh.

What the hell? Todd: You okay?

Samira: Yeah, I'm good.

Is that Gary?

Todd: Mr. Party Pants.

-What are you doing? Gary: I'm simply enjoying

a bonfire on my property, which you can't seem

to stay off of, can you?

Samira: A fire like this,

it's a little reckless. -Hmm.

Much like the mother of a newborn

traipsing around the woods at night.

Lynn: How dare you.

You think you know

what it's like to be a new mother?

Agnes: Mr. Wilson,

an open flame in this tinder box with a wind forecast

for tonight, are you mad?

This is a clear violation

of handbook code 281. -That's right.

Right there on paragraph five. Gary: Oh, yes,

which goes on to state in paragraph six

that a fire pit is permitted as long as it sits

at least 10 feet away

from a neighboring property line.

-He's right.

Please let me know when you expect

to begin your renovations.

With historical properties like Hinckley House,

you need to submit your plans to the HOA Landmark Committee

for approval. -I'll have everything in order.

Agnes: I'll give a heads up to the local inspector.

He's a family friend.

Paragraph five.

Bev told me you were a lawyer.

-Goodnight, neighbors.

I do hope I won't have to make any more calls.

-Enjoying my bonfire, my ass.

First I'm trespassing, now I'm traipsing.

Robert: Hey. How was wine night?

-Great. Uneventful. Where's Miles?

-Uh, I just put him down.

Why do you smell of smoke? -Oh, uh, Gary built a fire pit.

-Gary was hanging out on wine night?

-No, he was in the woods. -What happened?

-There was a little quibble. -How little of a quibble?

-You know, words were said, things got a little heated.

- Babe. -It's not like

we're gonna be best friends. -No shit.

-Don't you think we should know what he's up to?

Robert: Well, isn't it obvious?

I mean, that's why he was buying an axe and lighter fluid

in the hardware store because he was building

a fire pit,

while also being an asshole.

Being into home improvements and assholery

aren't exactly mutually exclusive,

are they? -True.

-Please, can we move on from the whole Gary thing

and just try to focus on our family?

Speaking of which,

I've got something exciting to show you.

Robert: Okay. Shut your eyes.

I may be giving this too much of a buildup.

Please make sure I don't hit a wall.

Careful, careful. Right.

Now, it's not exactly a "Queer Eye" reveal

but it's something ready for a new generation of Fishers.

-Okay.

You've put a dent in the place.

Miles Davis.

-There was no way I was painting this whole room

without getting your approval first.

-It's perfect.

I'm not gonna lie, it kind of matches your eyes.

-I also changed all of the locks to keep out Naveen.

-I'll get it. -No.

You've done enough for the night.

I'll go, uh, take him for a walk.

-You sure? Samira: Yes.

Honey, Miles is gonna be so happy growing up here.

I love you. -I love you.

- Good job.

-We're just gonna say a quick goodnight.

Samira.

What are you doing here?

-I just wanted to say thank you

for being there for me the past few days.

-Oh, well, I'm happy to be

and I'm happy you're here.

-For you.

In case you ever need it.

-Oh, well, I'm honored

and humbled by this symbol of your trust.

-And know that if you ever need someone,

I mean, Rob and I are glad to keep a key safe for you too.

-Oh, what a nice thought.

Goodnight, Samira.

-Goodnight.

Lynn: I think you'd like our new neighbor, Marty.

-Goodnight, my love.

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-Way to put ash in Ashfield.

-That motherfu...