All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s11e05 - Slap and Tong

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded
in accordance with all

social distancing guidelines in
place at the time of filming.

Yow! I just need to read that again.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello!

Welcome to Taskmaster.

My name's Greg Davies.

I am your judge
and you are in clown court.

I shall review crimes
against entertainment

that five comedians carried out
over many months,

and pass judgment.

As the Samoan hip-hop crew
Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E.

once so wisely said,

"Deathrow, my bro, had to go,
life was too slow."

For the winner, a pardon

and a life of television freedom
with my beautiful golden trophy.

For the losers, well,

I guess it's back to teaching
or whatever.

Let's meet our comedy convicts.

The usual suspects are

Charlotte Ritchie,

Jamali Maddix,

Lee Mack... Thank you.

..Mike Wozniak,

and Sarah Kendall.

And to my left,
a man whose wife once told me

she keeps a pocket full of treats
to reward him

when he remembers to do
toilet outside.

It's little Alex Horne.

Yep.

Hi, guys.

I think you'll be pleased with me
today. I doubt it.

I've prepared something for you.
I've invented a new snack... Yeah.

..which I think you'll like.

It's called a...

..Brown Bar.

Look at that. Oh. It's got all
your favourite things.

Do you want me to break it open?
You can see the layers. Yeah. OK.

Ooh! So it's a layer of chocolate,

then it's biscuit,

there's a massive slab of butter,

salami and ganache.

Salami? Salami and ganache. OK.

Would you like to try some?
No, I wouldn't actually.

But I'd like you to.
I'll taste it for you. Yeah.

Don't you want to eat the bit
with a lot in it though?

Cos right now, you're just eating
the outer shell of chocolate.

Sorry, Jamali, just so you know,

he's gonna eat it all. Oh, OK.

OK. That's backfired, hasn't it?

I won't start the show
until you've eaten all of that.

The deal was I was gonna try
a little bit. Yes. Yes.

Pop it all back, otherwise
I won't start the show.

Oh, good boy.

So gross. He's popping it.
It's so buttery. Yeah.

CHARLOTTE: In a good way? No.

There you go. Ah, good boy. Yay!

APPLAUSE

Let's have the prize task, shall we,
salami boy?

What are we waiting for? Oh...

Oh, God, it is sickening, isn't it?
Oh, no.

OK, I'm all good.

And this week's category
is the best thing

you can operate with your hand.

Ooh. Greg will listen, have a think,

and then judge who's done best,

in his firm, subtle
and muscular way.

Five large points
will go to the person

that brought in the best thing that
you can operate with your hand

and then at the end of the episode,

the person with the most points
will take home five things

they can operate manually
and try very hard to avoid an RSI.

OK, Lee, what's the best thing
you've brought in

that you can operate with your hand?

Well, I'm sat on it
because I figured there isn't...

There's no way to explain it,
you have to demonstrate it. Ooh.

The good, old-fashioned
Swanee whistle.

I've got a picture of it,
but we can see it in your hand.

Oh, yeah, very similar to the one
I've got in my hand.

And it's just guaranteed to make
every awkward situation

more light-hearted.

So, Alex, if we were talking...

Could you just stand up, please?

And then if you could drop
something on the floor.

And now you bend down and I would
get this out.

You'd pick it up and I'd go...

DESCENDING WHISTLE

And then... No, no, stay down.
Stay down.

And then pick it up.

ASCENDING WHISTLE

It's guaranteed.
I've done it in rows.

I've used it in rows
when my wife was talking to me.

"You should be picking this up,
not me." She'll bend down...

DESCENDING WHISTLE

And it makes every situation better.

You know what, Lee? It's far more
entertaining than I imagined.

Well done.

Charlotte, can you beat Lee's, um...

No. ..whistle?

The thing that I think is best is
my drill. Oh.

Yeah, shall we move on?

No, go on.

Here's her drill.

You can screw things in,
you can unscrew things,

you can drill things in, you can...

..drill other things in.

You can't just bring household items
in. I genuinely thought...

And say, "This is the thing
I like, a drill."

It's an absolute outrage.

It is a good thing that you can
operate with your hand. Mm.

I agree. I think that's
a great thing.

OK, well, if that's you all think,

I'll give Charlotte five points,
shall I? It's absolutely...

Yes. Absolutely. Five points.

Perhaps some people in here have
learnt a lesson. Who's next?

Jamali. I handmade from
repurposed materials,

like CD players and stuff,

I made a tattoo gun.

There it is. Oh, wow! Wow. Wow.

So I made that myself.
So that's like wired to the battery.

I repurposed a pen,

I used a toothbrush as the bar.

I can confirm it's a fully working
tattoo gun. It does... Have you?

Yeah, yeah, I've done it on myself.

What did you do?
You've tattooed yourself?

Yeah, it's on my thigh, I can't pull
down my trousers but... What is it?

You could.
He's got his Swanee whistle.

We have to say, we can't endorse
this or encourage people

to make tattoo guns
because it's dangerous.

I'm genuinely impressed.

You should've just used Charlotte's
method and just brought in a spoon.

Mike.

I've brought a thumb,

which has got universal uses for...

..buttons, switches.

Here is Mike's thumb.

Additional thumb. It's not
an additional thumb, is it?

If you've already got a thumb,
you can put it on top of your thumb.

If you don't, you can put it there
instead of your thumb.

But it's a thumb sheath really,
isn't it?

Well, it's a thumb. It's a...
You know, sure.

One man's thumb sheath
is another person's thumb.

Aristotle said that. I think so.

Outside of popping it over
an existing thumb... Yeah.

..can you tell me
what you'd use it for?

Buying some braces. Right.

If you've got a Swanee whistler
as a mate going about,

you could be in your braces,
you'd do this.

DESCENDING WHISTLE
But you've already two thumbs
to do that.

OK. Famously, of course,
it's used for magic illusions

and if I was to win today I will
get on stage

and I will demonstrate it.
Oh, thank you, Lee.

Entertainment. Honest to God, I want
to give that man all your points.

I wouldn't contest that.

One left, Greg. Sarah.

Phew!

Uh, so I, um...

..always wanted to learn the bass

and I started playing the bass
in August.

Is it sore
when you're doing the old...?

Slapping the bass? Yeah.
Yes, it get incredibly painful.

I used to find that, yeah, as well.
Oh, really? Yeah.

What did you find was the best?

Well, I've got something
I'll show you later.

Thanks, Mike. I'd appreciate that.

So she has submitted her
genuine bass guitar.

It looks like this. Oh, nice.

Thanks. Do you ever whip it out,
over your shoulder,

and then say out loud,

"Let's take this dog for a walk?"

I think I'm going to now.
You need to. Yeah.

Points then, Greg, please.

I'm sorry, even though I rashly said

I was gonna give her five points,
I'm not. Ah.

You can't swan in here with
a drill and go, "That'll do."

No. One point, Charlotte.

Now, two points go to Sarah's bass.

Ooh! Didn't see that coming.

Three points, unbelievably,
for Mike's thumb.

For a little, tiny bit of plastic,
he gets three points. Yeah.

But I didn't realise
there's so many uses. OK.

Now, we're up to the
real money points here.

It's Jamali or Lee.

I'm gonna give it to ingenuity.
Five points.

Four points to...

The old fella with
the Swanee whistle.

..to old vaudeville over there.

Five points to Jamali Maddix.
Yeah, there it is.

OK, we're off.

We are indeed. And this task is
all about my favourite film -

cling.

Hello, Charlotte. Hiya.

Is that how you walk?

Yes.

Like that and then you stop...
I know.

..when you get to an object. Yeah.

HE SIGHS

I don't like the look of this.

There's tape and there's cellophane.

"Cover your lower half
in biodegradable clingfilm..."

"..and gaffer tape so that
no part of your lower half

"isn't covered in biodegradable
clingfilm and gaffer tape."

Can I just use one?

Oh, no, it's "and."

Your time starts now.

Did you have to put like
"biodegradable" for...?

Yes, just so people know this
programme is very responsible. Yeah.

We don't waste anything.

OK. Very responsible programme,
this. Mm-hm.

So, covered completely with
biodegradable clingfilm

AND gaffer tape.

It says, "Cover your lower half

"in biodegradable clingfilm
and gaffer tape."

OK. Remember those words.

OK, well, first, we're gonna see

eight of our ten legs being covered.

Off we go.

But then the slight concern
is the phrasing.

Literally every bit of me
in clingfilm

and also literally every bit of me
in gaffer tape.

That's my concern.

Does it have to be
in equal proportions?

All the information is on the task.

Oh, it's not pleasant.

I genuinely feel like
I've done this before.

Ah, the... Oh, you see that's
the problem, innit?

What's that? Because I can't
get down to the bottom now.

Who knew it was gonna be the feet
that were so difficult?

Argh!

Ooh. It's like a pencil skirt.

Ugh...

I've never been especially bendy.

See, I'm doing it properly
cos I know you're gonna say

"I can spot a tiny shoelace,"

and if anyone else does
this quicker than me

and I see so much as a tiny gap...
Mm-hm.

..I'll be on you like a shot.

Starting at the feet this time.

MIKE: In the absence of bendiness,
need to do something else.

Oh, curses.

Under we go.

Right, so now, clingfilm.

Well, I was imagining it was
clingfilm and gaffer tape

as a combination.
You don't have to...

No, no, don't tell me that now.

It says every part of your body
has to be covered with clingfilm

AND gaffer tape. OK.

If some of it's clingfilm,

some of it's gaffer tape,
that is not what that says.

So if the others do that,

I'm telling you now, I'm gonna be
kicking off in the studio.

Right.

Finished? Yeah. Great.

OK. Oh.

OK.

Oh, God. It's not a two parter,
is it?

I feel like a mermaid.

There we go, then. No!

Good luck.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me there's anything. I'll
kill you if there's anything else.

There's the task.
Thank you, Lee. Good luck.

Oh, you bastard.

"Put on the captain's hat."

"Your lower half must be completely
covered in biodegradable clingfilm

"and gaffer tape when
you're wearing the captain's hat."

"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

Captain's hat.

Where's that hat, then?

Well, most aesthetically
pleasing was yours.

Oh, you liked that? Yeah.

Cos I was thinking I preferred
the block colour that Mike went for.

It was a lot more flattering.
No, no,

cos as soon as I heard it I thought,

"I hope that they don't totally
cover themselves

"in clingfilm AND gaffer tape."
Right, right.

"I hope that they mix
and match it creatively..." Yeah.

"..with a nice pattern."

Oh, that's all right then. What are
you talking about? I don't know.

Read it back. Read it back.

"Cover your lower half

"in biodegradable clingfilm
and gaffer tape."

What was the middle word?
There's an and. And. And.

I mean, her legs were
completely covered

with clingfilm and gaffer tape.

If I said, "Completely eat your
chips and your beans." Yeah.

Would you eat them all?

I didn't expect people to completely
cover it with both, but I can see...

But then why have both?
Why don't you say...?

Don't have thinking time by going,
"I didn't hear you."

Why am I not allowed
thinking time suddenly?

Answer me!

I've given you the logic.

I'd say the wording's always
open to interpretation.

Mike interpreted it exactly
the same way as you.

Charlotte... Yeah.

..you said, "I feel like I've done
this before,"

and I was fascinated by that.

Yes, me too. As soon as the
clingfilm wrapped round I was like,

"OK, yeah. This feels...

"This feels right
and it feels familiar."

Jamali has been separated
from the pack, I see.

Yes.

Do you wanna see Jamali?
Yes, please. Here he is.

I'm happy with that. OK.

That's incredible.
It didn't even occur me to...

It didn't occur to one other person

that you could make yourself
some trousers out of that.

Jamali, I'm incredibly impressed.
Yeah.

I mean, we haven't actually
reached the meat of the task yet,

so we don't know who's done best.
No.

None of this was really relevant,

unless you're banning people for not
being entirely covered in both.

Well. So in other words,
it's very relevant.

Break time now, but hurry back -

some comedians are about
to hurt themselves.

Hello, and welcome back to
Taskmaster. Is it race time?

Well, the athletes are ready.

They've prepared by strapping their
legs up with tape

and clingfilm to make one big leg,
apart from Jamali, who

strapped each leg separately like a
very clever boy.

They're under starter's orders.

Here we go!

Captain's hat.

Where is the captain's hat?

Ah.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I've stopped the clock.

I've stopped the clock. It's not in
that plane, is it?

I presumed it was on the plane.

It is on the plane.

Oh, there it is.

Does it fit?

No.

Inside the plane?
No.

Is it on the plane? It's on the
plane.

Oh, there it is.

I've stopped the clock.

Thank you.

Thank you, Lee.

Don't thank you me, come over here
and check it.

Yes, you're completely covered
with...

Completely covered in both in every
bit, so every bit is covered by

both. All right.

I'm going to walk away with respect.
Yes, you are.

Wait, I'm going to try this.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Can you do a 360 spin?

I'll try.

Scheisse!

Incredible scenes.

I mean, what's going on, Mike?

You look comfortable being
taped up like that.

Yeah. And then you're asked to
spin around, perfectly reasonable

request from my colleague. Yeah. And
as you fall you just naturally say,

"Scheisse".
It makes me think.

I was trying to, generally speaking,
avoid potty mouth.

Yeah.

But when you're doing a 360 and
you're gaffer taped up, these

things slip out.

Lovely. You, weren't asked to
roll around on the floor.

Oh, OK.

Yeah, when I watched that I thought
well someone must have

instructed me to do that. I think
you all had fun with it.

Sarah included. Yeah. Yeah, I
enjoyed it.

You just had a bit of fun with it.
Lee, I don't know whether you were

having fun. Yeah, I'm, uh...
Got to you.

So, if I'd have wrapped myself in
just clingfilm and just taken

a little bit of tape off and stuck
it on my knee that would've counted?

That would've been a great idea.
Oh, good. Great idea, that'd be

amazing. That's fine.

Bro, you probably would've done that
way quicker than you did it.

The only person to come out of this
whole thing with any respect is

Jamali. Jamali Maddix was the
fastest with his one leg at a time

system. Fair play, though.

He put the hat on in 40 seconds.
Just one second slower was

Sarah in second place with 41
seconds.

Charlotte, one minute five. Mike,
one minute six, which is

impressive, considering he really
did wrap up his legs.

Lee, two minutes exactly.

That's a lesson for the
kids, innit? About obeying rules

if they're watching. Yeah. Don't
bother.

So, Jamali Maddix gets five points.

I'd like a scoreboard, please, just
before Lee attacks me.

Here are the scores.

Charlotte is at the bottom of the
table with four points.

Ah. But with a maximum ten points at
the moment, it's Jamali Maddix.

There it is!

Let's have a lovely new task,
please. Healthy lead.

OK, then next up is this.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Alex.

Wow.

Hi. Oh, wow. Yeah?

If you want. I like.

Oh, hi, Lee.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Hi, Jamali. How you doing, man?
I'm good, thank you.

How are you? Yeah.

Don't know if I'm pulling off the
hat but...

Are you ready? I am ready, yes.
Here we go.

Oh, cool.

Oh, look.

Uh, oh, hello!

Oh, right.

Very nice.

Are you excited?
Yeah. Yeah.

How are things? Oh, at home?

Yeah.

It's OK, now.

Good to hear.

You? Yeah.

You know.

Oh!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Nice, that was a nice little, that
was very slick.

You sort of distracted me
with your peril home life.

Did you ever see My Girl?

It was this really sweet kids' film.

Yeah. And he gets stung by a bee and
dies. Oh.

Make the best uniform for this bee.

When they made me put this on,
I was tucking everything in.

And I mean everything thinking,
"Something's going to get me".

And it's that.

I've been on The Des O'Connor Show.
I don't even need this.

You must wear your beekeeping outfit
throughout the task.

You have five minutes
to order five items.

Then 15 minutes to make the uniform.

Your time starts now.

Five minutes to order five items
for this bee.

Yes, please.

Oh, OK. I think I know what I want.

OK.
White cloth.

White felt, please.

Netting.
Little bit of mesh.

White tack.
White material.

Something to make a tiny sword.

I'm going to need more information
than that.

Uh, so, uh, a short length of, uh,
something grey or silver.

Again, you're going to need to be
more specific.

A pea! A frozen pea.

A Stanley knife and some Tippex.

A whip. Polo mints.

Small motorbike. Some sand.

Or something akin to it, yes.
No, it's not, "Or something".

Right, yeah. So, yes then, please.

Can I also have like a cold drink?

What type of drink?

Just like a cold beer.

That'd be great, man.

I think that's going to be enough.
I'll see you later on.

Bye, honey.

Lovely.

I haven't got much to say.

We went through quite a journey,
initially.

Mike came in first and I genuinely
thought Mike's

decided to wear a beekeeper's
costume today.

Then there was some youthful
exuberance from our two young

people. Jamali, it's the first time
I've seen you genuinely happy.

But then, Sarah brought us

back down to Earth by associating
bees with the death of a child.

My Girl!

Remember that absurd twist in the
plot?

And it comes out of nowhere.

Well, that's life, isn't it?
That is life.

Mercifully, we know that
all five of you survived.

So, let's have a look at your bee
uniforms.

We're going to see Jamali, Sarah

and Charlotte, first of all, taking
part in our sewing bee.

Hey, what's up?

I've been to the shops.
OK.

And your 15 minutes starts now.

I just have to make a beekeeper's
outfit for my bee, right?

Well, you have to make a uniform.
You've chosen beekeeper's.

Ugh.

Did you think you had to make a
beekeeping uniform?

Yeah. Ah, I thought you chose to
make a beekeeping uniform.

No.

Isn't that interesting?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I'm such a dumb prick.

Gloves have got to stay on,
have they?

And I have to keep the gloves on,
right?

All the information's in the task.
OK.

All right, here we go. OK.

So, are you trying to thread a mint?
Yeah.

What's good is that the net sort of
distorts your vision quite a lot.

It hasn't stuck, all right, OK.

I'm just going to staple the bee.

It's not a real bee.

Don't know why I thought this was
going to be mad easy.

Oh, sorry, sir, for dropping you.

Can you thread this in for me?

No.

Ugh.

It was going quite well, wasn't it,
for a bit?

It was. It's these dang gloves.

It's impossible to put the thread
through that hole.

Right.

I'm just going to spend five minutes
doing this

and then I'll have a luxury five
minutes to do the task.

Ooh, look at that.

OK.

Six minutes left.

Ow, fuck it.

I'm going to change tactics.

I'm just going to really fill it
with glue.

Like that.

So you've dunked his whole head in a
bucket of glue. Yeah.

Ah, I didn't make space for the
wings.

That's honestly tailoring 101 when
you're tailoring for a bee.

You a big fan of movies?
Yes.

Well, this is a nice little movie
one for you.

Oh, really? Yeah.

What does a lasso look like? Um...

OK, he's unfurled the lasso because
he's going, do you know what,

I'm going to stop
hitting my workers. Hmm.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Do you know who that is? Is it from
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?

You know the film where the guy gets
visited by all the different ghosts?

Oh, Scrooge. Yes.

What was the netting for?

I was going to make a beekeeper
outfit but then I gave up.

I thought you were going to make a
beekeeper's outfit. Yeah, I was.

I was intending on making a tiny
beekeeper's outfit with this

and go over his head like that.

But right now it's the Pope.

WHISTLE BLOWS

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Really great. I'd like to dig down
into the narrative of your

character. Yeah.

What is he?

I think it was a sort of a
Draconian commandant of a bee

colony and the whip is there to keep
the workers in line.

Of course, I'm the bee commandant.
Yeah.

I've got my cowboy hat on.

And, and what else have I got on
there?

Glue. Yeah. And a staple.

So the narrative is the bee
commandant is understandably

angry cos he's had a staple rammed
through his intestines

just before he put his cowboy hat on
and then there was an extra

bit of the narrative where he whips
his staff.

Which caused you to be exasperated
with yourself for bringing

whipping into it, I think.

Yeah, I thought - how's a bee going
to hold a whip?

It's got wings! Yeah.

Charlotte also started trying to
make a beekeeper's outfit.

Yeah, but it didn't work.
Didn't work so you abandoned it.

Yeah. And turned it into a papal
bee as we can see here. Yeah.

It's good.
I mean it is good.

It's good, also can you see there's
a slipper for every leg.

There are six little white papal
slippers because that's part of the

Pope's uniform, isn't it? It is.
Pope slippers.

Yeah. Did snip the fingers off
the gloves, though. That was...

Yeah. It spooked everybody as well,
didn't it? ..a masterstroke.

For one beat, I thought you were
chopping your fingers off.

Like I was so committed to the show,
I was like... I thought you were so

committed to this show. Fine. I
don't need fingers. No. Yeah.

All the tasks. I know where
I can get a spare thumb, anyway.

The end result is pretty impressive.
Magnificent.

I just ask you the simple question,
does the Pope wear a uniform?

Uh, are you kidding? Do you think
he'd come out in a jeans and

T-shirt? I don't think so. No,
but does he wear a uniform?

Yeah, that's what it...

Nowhere in the world has anyone ever
referred to the Pope's

clothing as a uniform.

You've asked everybody, have you?
You've asked everyone?

You've checked? No, no. Well, so
what would you call it?

I'm going to put my Pope garb on.

Garb? Garb. Yeah.
All right.

I think, let's have a
look at Jamali's, anyway.

It's a lovely, it's a lovely Pope.
Harder, I think, to interpret.

Looks like a hostage situation.

Tell us where the honey is!

Yeah, it's, uh, not a real ghost.

He's an actor playing the ghost of
the Christmas Past.

Yeah, you're happy with your bee
having a ghost uniform?

Well, yeah, cos if you think about
it, it's a type of clothing you

wear to work, right?
Yeah.

And so if you're an actor, like, you
know when you've

acted in things, I don't know if
you've acted in things but with...

I have. Have you, really? I know, I
know you're unaware of my CV.

I should check it out.

And you wear your uniform, is your
costume's your uniform.

And that's the costume.

No, I've never referred, in my
many television acting roles,

I've never referred to my clothing
as a uniform, not once.

Right. Time for some adverts,
come back to us soon.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to
the third part of the show.

Alex, what is the current situation?

It's a real code red, Greg.

There's a seriously naked bee
that's in need of clothing.

We've seen three attempts at
nano-dressmaking so far.

Finally, it's time to see
Lee make and Mike make.

Right I'm going to take this off.
Yes. Don't start the clock yet.

I have started the clock.
No, you can't. That's not fair.

I can't stop the clock.
Oh, for God's sake, Alex.

I had to take the jacket off -
the others don't have to do that.

Arts and crafts aren't really
my wheelhouse, generally speaking.

What's in your wheelhouse, Mike?

Afternoon naps.

Breakfast.

Right. There you go.
HE WHISTLES

Feel like...using scissors was
something that I knew how to do.

I'd better jazz up the collar a bit.

Hopefully he won't mind
having a, er,

a spike going through his nut.

Right, you know what this is,
don't you?

It's your classic "turn your frozen
pea into a bee helmet" situation.

We've all been there.

Here we go.

Gosh, if ever I needed
a pair of glasses, it was now.

This is what they should do.

Get rid of the traditional eye test.

It'd make you look forward to going
to the opticians, wouldn't it?

Right, progress.

Cape. Bull.

Alex, could you go online and
find out what the world record is

for jumping double decker buses?
Yeah.

A man jumped over 18
on 29 August, 1983.

Well...this is a British record.

He did it in Wales.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Little bee matador.

And that, my friend,
is Beevil Knievel...

..made from split pea, about to
jump almost the world record.

The world record for a bee.

Going to go for it.
Good luck, Beevil.

Ooh.

WHISPERS: Don't let me down, Beevil.

Here you go. You ready?

This is the one.

He's still on his bike.

Come on.

Ready?

Oh, that was a bad one.

Forget it.

APPLAUSE

Well, I'd like to deal with
Mike first, if I may. Yes.

Who instantly decided
on the matador idea.

A lot of detail -
you made the bullring,

you got hold of the bull.
Yeah. Sand. Yeah.

My gut instinct is that when we see
the matador's outfit in isolation,

it'll be rubbish.

I think, yeah, I think your
instincts are probably correct.

This is what it ended up
looking like.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Yeah, I mean, that's obviously
a bullfight that's gone wrong,

I think. He's also dead. He is dead.

It's a dangerous profession.

Right, the matador bee,
compared with free stunts

from Lee Mack, as well.
Yeah. Beevil Knievel.

Yeah, here is Beevil.

You can see the word
"Beevil" on his collar.

What interested me is,
when the challenge was set,

immediately you went,
"Get me a frozen pea."

Immediately. And you knew it was
for the helmet for Beevil Knievel.

Immediately, because I knew that
I only had a small window.

You have to defrost that
frozen pea perfectly.

Too hard, you'll never
cut through it.

Too soft, and it won't be able
to protect a skull.

It did crash several times,
and the helmet stayed on.

Well, it did its job.
LAUGHTER

I'm ready to make judgment. Right.

Do you want to put them
all up the screen?

Put them all up, and let me judge!
There we go, OK.

CHARLOTTE: I love that this
looks like a family of bees,

and this is all of their names...
LAUGHTER

..and the different achievements
that they've done.

Like two proud bee parents.

MIKE: Charlotte's doing great.

I think they're all quite proud
of Charlotte, probably.

Which is the worst uniform, Greg?

I mean the worst out the worst
outfit is clearly the ghost.

So, one point to Jamali.

Very close to getting the one point
was, er, the bee commandant.

Yes. Yes. I'll take that.
Yeah. Two points.

Two points Sarah -
and thank me for them.

LAUGHTER

Erm, Mike Wozniak's matador bee
is very lucky to be

getting three points.

Right, third place for Mike.
That's what he gets.

So, it's between
the Pope and the stuntman.

They're both a visual delight to me.

But, because there was extra stunts,

I think Beevil Knievel,
on this occasion, just takes it.

But four points to Charlotte.
Yes. Five points to Lee.

I'm happy with that. Thank you.
APPLAUSE

Another one!

And it's time to throw some shapes.

Hey. Hi, Sarah.

Hello, hi, Alex.

Hello, there. It's Christmassy.
Thank you.

"Arrange the seven objects in a
line on the table in order of

"how many sides they have."

"Fewest sides on your left,
most sides on your right."

"You may only touch
the objects with your face."

HE SIGHS

OK.

"If anything falls from the table,
you're disqualified."

"If anything falls from the table,
you are 'disquals-ified'."

Disqualis-fied.

"You have ten minutes.

"You must put on your
darkness goggles...now."

OK can you see anything? No.
Can you carry on reading?

Jamali?

Oh, no. What's wrong?

Well, I can't see, of course.
No. They're darkness goggles.

I can't see anything.
What am I doing?

I mean, I've been asking that
since I started the show.

Please read the final
line of the task.

Erm...

"Your time starts now."

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

I'm keen to crack on and see
what'll obviously be a humiliation.

Let's have a look.

We're going to start with
two right nosy parkers -

Charlotte and Sarah.

Er...oh.

OK, that feels...rectangular.

Right, I'm...oh, quite near
the edges of the table.

Oh.

That was close!

Right, that's an egg.

What the hell's that?

Oh, right.

one, two, three.

Er...that's a circle.

How many sides has a circle got?
One?

That's a rectangle.

Oh, fuck. There's that egg. OK.

Is that hygienic, to get an
egg shell in your mouth?

I don't know. Yes, it is, yeah.

Please be careful.

Er...where did it go?

Right, off you go.

That's a pyramid.

Hang on, one...

What's that? Is that...

Why is that wet?

Where's the egg gone?

Oh, ow.

One...two, three, four.

As I suspected.

So, one...

..two, three, four.

What's that?

Paper! How many sides has paper got?
Two.

Ow.

That's a banana.

How many sides does a banana have?

One?

What's this? Oh, God!

An unknown.

A banana.

Think bananas have got...
like, more sides, maybe.

So, I'm going to go there.

Two sides to a page.

What's that?

Er...five.

You, over here, near jelly.

Ohh!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh.

Egg. Paper.

I feel like there might be
something with three sides.

Oh, God.

This is it. Urgh.

What is it?

Right, done.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you.

Thanks, guys. Thanks, Sarah.

APPLAUSE

There were two moments in
your attempt, Sarah, that, to me,

just summed up the futility of life.

Go on. It's when you, er,
dropped the egg,

and you were still like a heron.

And then, at the end, there was
this existential grunt of "aargh"!

LAUGHTER

I had the horrors
about that for days.

Just the thought of me sightlessly
licking objects. Yeah.

Snuffling around like a salamander
on the bottom of the ocean.

It was just disgusting to watch.

There was a lovely moment when
your chin went into water, as well,

where you went, "Yeah".

LAUGHTER

She was unlucky.
She did actually do pretty well.

But, as Charlotte said,
if something falls to the floor,

you are dis-squashified.

Dis-squashified. You are.

Charlotte became a, sort of,
primary school teacher at one point.

"You're over here near jelly."

I think I should've chosen
a different outfit, cos I don't

need any more extra help looking
like a primary school teacher.

You were good at working out how
many sides things have. Thank you.

"Paper, two." Yeah.

"Banana, six or seven."
You did well.

Well, er, again, Sarah said this
like it was one of the great

questions of our age,
"How many sides does a banana have?"

LAUGHTER

Do we get the answer to that,
though?

The Internet thinks it's five.

You want the paper one end, and you
want things like the banana

and the pyramid the other one.

She ended up with egg, paper,
cheese, drink, iced jelly, banana.

It's pretty good.
Yeah, very impressive.

Me? Yeah. Oh, great.

What did, er, Sarah drop?

She dropped the egg,
so she is, er, squashlef-ified.

LAUGHTER

Right, last link into the break
for this episode, possibly ever.

If the world ends during
the adverts, don't worry -

Alex and I have got an escape pod.

We'll be just fine.

Well, I will -
he's going to get eaten!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, we're back!

We made it, after all. It's the last
part of the show and there's

a shape-feeling task under way.
And don't I know it? We've seen

Charlotte and Sarah's attempts at
nosing the objects

into number-of-sides order.
Now for the men.

The disgraceful men.
LAUGHTER

Face... Face-based geometry.

That's exactly it, Mike. OK.

OK, so that's one...

Urgh! What the fuck is that?
That's two.

Uh, uh, uh...

Oh, that fell. I'm out.

Uh... What's that?

Ooh, that's not pleasant.

Is there anything... Ah, hello!

Oh, what's this?

Very hard to count sides
with your nose.

Uh... Uh...

I can't tell. I think
that's got three sides.

Oh, my God!

Er, that's a little bit
like being kissed,

kissed by someone
on the cusp of death.

LAUGHTER

That's gone in
something, innit?

I've rolled something somewhere. Ha!

I didn't hear the dull thud
of disqualification. No.

Ooh.

Has something fallen on the floor?

Why can't it just be
something normal? Why

it be like, oh, it's
like smudge! Smudge?

It's like, shit, oh, well,
we've got shit on a plate.

People at Channel 4 watching people
eat shit on a plate.

I used to have a career.

Oh... Ugh...

One, two, three... That's got five
sides cos it's a container of water.

I don't know what this is.
I put my moustache in it

and that didn't actually help.

LAUGHTER

Uh...

That's a pyramid, that.

Not sure what this guy is.

That's a piece of paper.

Oh.

How many sides has
a bloody banana got?

Oh... Egg.

Uh-uh! Oh!

This isn't fair!

I was told to trust my instincts,
but my instincts are telling me to

squeak like a bat and use the sound,

but I don't think
I've got the hearing.

If I'm disqualified for that...

LAUGHTER

Not bad, considering

I've got my goggles on!

A... A Brie, perhaps?

If it's wedge time,
you're talking five sides.

Yeah, I give up on this one.

I think I'm done.

There we go.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE Wow! Well done, the men.

Well done, men. I'm gonna start
with you. Er, you fascinate me.

Without any hesitation, once
you've read the task, you turned

to Alex and you said,
"Ah, so some face-based geometry."

Straight away. Yeah, right. And
then, straight away after that,

without any hesitation, you tucked
your tie into your shirt.

Everything led me to believe you've
done a lot of these things before.

Down to business. I've got small
children... Yeah. ..so we will

construct stuff where you have to
guess with your face or your hands

and, sometimes, that is road-tested.
You HAVE done this before? So, I've

shoved my face in stuff before.
And have you said to

your young children, "Right,
it's face-based geometry time"?

Every Tuesday and Thursday
afternoons. Absolutely fascinating.

Jamali, that all went
horribly wrong. Yeah, like,

I knocked the first one down,
I already knew I lost,

and then I just had jelly in my face
and water in my nose, and I...

Honestly, I just got mad. I just...
Yeah. I got very unprofessional...

Yeah. ..and I just decided
to fuck the place up.

THEY LAUGH

Lee, erm, there was
a moment that you probably

haven't registered
during your attempt,

and it's a noise that you make
when the jelly falls off the table,

and it is genuinely heartbreaking.

Here is the noise.

Uh-uh!

LAUGHTER Oh! Do you want to hear that a few

more times, Greg? Let's see that.

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Oh, no! My tongue instinctively
tried to grab, but then you remember

you can't grab with a tongue.
You ended up snogging the table

more than anyone else. It was
unpleasant, I'm not gonna lie.

Let's see it one more time.
Yeah! Focus on the tongue

trying to chase the jelly. Yeah.

That's what I enjoy.

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Oh, I think there's a bit of saliva
there as well.

I've had enough now! So harsh!
I mean... Yeah, but, you know,

you've got something for your
showreel out of it! Oh, you think

I've got a career after this to have
a showreel for?! Oh, interesting.

It's nice. So, two people,
Mike and Charlotte, were

incredible at this game and
had no problems. They were

very successful. I don't know
if that's a good thing. It IS

a good thing. I mean, you were
at a disadvantage, cos you haven't

played it multiple times. Right.
Twice a week, yeah. You got

the cheese in the right place, but
you got the jelly far too close to

the paper and the egg. It should've
been right up the other end. Oh.

So, you were one worse than
Charlotte. So, four points to Mike,

five points to Charlotte Ritchie.
Lovely. Oh, my God!

I think that's the first time.
APPLAUSE

It's a bit controversial, but
because they did so well, I'd like

to celebrate by watching Lee

drop that jelly off the table. Yay!
If that's all right?

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Thank you, guys.

Thank you so much. Well done. Can
I check how many points the three

people who dropped things get?
Er, I'm afraid nothing. Nothing?

Yeah. Nothing to Jamali, or Lee, or
Sarah. Fair. Let's have a look at

the scores, baby. Sarah is down
the bottom, our series leader

has only eight points.
First-time leader

Charlotte is on 13! Yay!
APPLAUSE

It feels so good.

All right, everyone, will you please

make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show?

APPLAUSE

Hi, Greg. Welcome.

Who's gonna read it out? Two people
are gonna read it out today.

First time ever.

I'd like Sarah to read hers,
and then Lee to read his.

Grab the marshmallow
with your tongs.

When the Taskmaster says "play",

you have ten seconds to grab

the marshmallow.

Once your tongs are over the table,

you must attempt to grab
the marshmallow.

If you successfully grab the
marshmallow, you win. So, that's

what one team will do.
The other team will do this.

Bat away the marshmallow.

When the Taskmaster says "play",

you will have ten seconds
to bat away the marshmallow.

Your hands may not be over the table
until the other player's tongs

are over the table. If your hand
is over the table first,

you are disqualified from the round.

If you bat away the marshmallow,
you win.

It's a game of Slaps,
but with tongs and a marshmallow.

There are gonna be six battles.
If someone in your team wins,

that is one point for everyone in
your team. First to grab and bat

are Sarah versus Lee.

It's gonna be Sarah grabbing,
Lee batting. Just to

be clear... Yeah.
..I'm going to be saying,

"Three, two, one, slap and tong",
and I don't want you to play until

I've finished the word "tong".
Thank you. So, remember, Sarah, if

your tongs go over that table
at all... Yeah.

..you've got to fulfil the grab.

OK, good luck, everyone.

PINGING

GONG STRIKES
Three, two, one,

slap and tong!

I'm focusing.

CHARLOTTE: Go on, Sarah,
you can do this.

Go, Sarah.

Ooh, she's good! Lovely.
One point to the team of three.

Lovely.

Thank you.

On this occasion,
it's gonna be Mike to grab.

It's Jamali to bat.

PINGING

Three, two, one...

..slap and tong.

TONGS CLICK

LEE: Nice. Oh!

Oh, wow! Wow, man, you are...

That was quick.

What a display!

Yet another activity that

Mike Wozniak's clearly done before.
Just when I thought he couldn't

look more like a praying mantis!

LAUGHTER OK, it's Lee to grab. Charlotte, you

are batting. Got you. You understand
it? What's the technique again?

I've got it. You've seen Karate Kid.

Three, two, one, slap and tong.

Watch out for the mic cable. Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm gonna get you... Damn!
Ooh!

I was in the middle of saying,
"I'm gonna get you". I know.

I took that opportunity.

Phew, no points yet to the
batter. We're halfway

through. Three more games to go.
Sarah to slap. Go, guys.

Mike to grab.

Three, two, one,

slap and tong!

Oh!

The first time
a batter's got a point.

Well done, the team of three.
Well done. Jamali's grab.

Lee to slap. Jacket off, is it?
Oh, serious, is it?

Here we go.

Going backhand again, is he?

CHARLOTTE: Love that.

You gonna say the "tong" thing?
I am, yeah.

Three, two, one...

..slap and tong!

Oh! Oh! Ooh!

Tense, innit?
Fuck, it IS tense, innit?

Lovely.

That was textbook.

This is the final battle.
Charlotte to grab, Mike to slap.

Take your position.

No pressure, but you've gotta
get this, Mike.

Three, two, one...

PINGING

..slap and tong!

Oh! Wow! Oh!

Oh! So close!

Lovely. Sorry, Mike.

Did you see what happened there,
Wozniak? No gimmicks. Nothing.

No, just action. Smooth, slick.
Right, come down.

We'll find out how that's
affected the final scores!

APPLAUSE

Has that put the cat
amongst the pige-ons?

The cat is very much
amongst the pige-ons!

What reactions there were,
what reflexes! Oh, cat-like.

Yes, and the team of three
were the only ones who won

one of the batting games, which
means they all win four points.

The team of two get two points each.
Take it. Yeah. Well done.

Well done, everyone. And so?
So, we are at the halfway stage of

the series and the scores are
pleasingly alphabetical.

Charlotte at the bottom, with 58.

Jamali, 67. Lee, 70.

Mike, 71. Sarah,

90 at this stage. Oh!
However, due to her final grab,

the winner of this episode,
for the first time,

Charlotte Ritchie, with
17 points. Yay! My God!

Charlotte Ritchie wins! Please go

and handle your operational prizes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what have we learnt today?
Today, I hope we've learnt

how to celebrate
the simple things in life.

The sound of birdsong.
BIRDSONG

Waves crashing on a beach.

CRASHING WAVES

And a 52-year-old man knocking jelly
off a table with his tongue.

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Uh-uh!
Farewell, my friends.

See you soon for the sixth chapter.
But for now, let's applaud

tonight's winner, Charlotte Ritchie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media