Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded in accordance with all

social distancing guidelines in place at the time of filming.

Yow! I just need to read that again.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello!

Welcome to Taskmaster.

My name's Greg Davies.

I am your judge and you are in clown court.

I shall review crimes against entertainment

that five comedians carried out over many months,

and pass judgment.

As the Samoan hip-hop crew Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E.

once so wisely said,

"Deathrow, my bro, had to go, life was too slow."

For the winner, a pardon

and a life of television freedom with my beautiful golden trophy.

For the losers, well,

I guess it's back to teaching or whatever.

Let's meet our comedy convicts.

The usual suspects are

Charlotte Ritchie,

Jamali Maddix,

Lee Mack... Thank you.

..Mike Wozniak,

and Sarah Kendall.

And to my left, a man whose wife once told me

she keeps a pocket full of treats to reward him

when he remembers to do toilet outside.

It's little Alex Horne.

Yep.

Hi, guys.

I think you'll be pleased with me today. I doubt it.

I've prepared something for you. I've invented a new snack... Yeah.

..which I think you'll like.

It's called a...

..Brown Bar.

Look at that. Oh. It's got all your favourite things.

Do you want me to break it open? You can see the layers. Yeah. OK.

Ooh! So it's a layer of chocolate,

then it's biscuit,

there's a massive slab of butter,

salami and ganache.

Salami? Salami and ganache. OK.

Would you like to try some? No, I wouldn't actually.

But I'd like you to. I'll taste it for you. Yeah.

Don't you want to eat the bit with a lot in it though?

Cos right now, you're just eating the outer shell of chocolate.

Sorry, Jamali, just so you know,

he's gonna eat it all. Oh, OK.

OK. That's backfired, hasn't it?

I won't start the show until you've eaten all of that.

The deal was I was gonna try a little bit. Yes. Yes.

Pop it all back, otherwise I won't start the show.

Oh, good boy.

So gross. He's popping it. It's so buttery. Yeah.

CHARLOTTE: In a good way? No.

There you go. Ah, good boy. Yay!

APPLAUSE

Let's have the prize task, shall we, salami boy?

What are we waiting for? Oh...

Oh, God, it is sickening, isn't it? Oh, no.

OK, I'm all good.

And this week's category is the best thing

you can operate with your hand.

Ooh. Greg will listen, have a think,

and then judge who's done best,

in his firm, subtle and muscular way.

Five large points will go to the person

that brought in the best thing that you can operate with your hand

and then at the end of the episode,

the person with the most points will take home five things

they can operate manually and try very hard to avoid an RSI.

OK, Lee, what's the best thing you've brought in

that you can operate with your hand?

Well, I'm sat on it because I figured there isn't...

There's no way to explain it, you have to demonstrate it. Ooh.

The good, old-fashioned Swanee whistle.

I've got a picture of it, but we can see it in your hand.

Oh, yeah, very similar to the one I've got in my hand.

And it's just guaranteed to make every awkward situation

more light-hearted.

So, Alex, if we were talking...

Could you just stand up, please?

And then if you could drop something on the floor.

And now you bend down and I would get this out.

You'd pick it up and I'd go...

DESCENDING WHISTLE

And then... No, no, stay down. Stay down.

And then pick it up.

ASCENDING WHISTLE

It's guaranteed. I've done it in rows.

I've used it in rows when my wife was talking to me.

"You should be picking this up, not me." She'll bend down...

DESCENDING WHISTLE

And it makes every situation better.

You know what, Lee? It's far more entertaining than I imagined.

Well done.

Charlotte, can you beat Lee's, um...

No. ..whistle?

The thing that I think is best is my drill. Oh.

Yeah, shall we move on?

No, go on.

Here's her drill.

You can screw things in, you can unscrew things,

you can drill things in, you can...

..drill other things in.

You can't just bring household items in. I genuinely thought...

And say, "This is the thing I like, a drill."

It's an absolute outrage.

It is a good thing that you can operate with your hand. Mm.

I agree. I think that's a great thing.

OK, well, if that's you all think,

I'll give Charlotte five points, shall I? It's absolutely...

Yes. Absolutely. Five points.

Perhaps some people in here have learnt a lesson. Who's next?

Jamali. I handmade from repurposed materials,

like CD players and stuff,

I made a tattoo gun.

There it is. Oh, wow! Wow. Wow.

So I made that myself. So that's like wired to the battery.

I repurposed a pen,

I used a toothbrush as the bar.

I can confirm it's a fully working tattoo gun. It does... Have you?

Yeah, yeah, I've done it on myself.

What did you do? You've tattooed yourself?

Yeah, it's on my thigh, I can't pull down my trousers but... What is it?

You could. He's got his Swanee whistle.

We have to say, we can't endorse this or encourage people

to make tattoo guns because it's dangerous.

I'm genuinely impressed.

You should've just used Charlotte's method and just brought in a spoon.

Mike.

I've brought a thumb,

which has got universal uses for...

..buttons, switches.

Here is Mike's thumb.

Additional thumb. It's not an additional thumb, is it?

If you've already got a thumb, you can put it on top of your thumb.

If you don't, you can put it there instead of your thumb.

But it's a thumb sheath really, isn't it?

Well, it's a thumb. It's a... You know, sure.

One man's thumb sheath is another person's thumb.

Aristotle said that. I think so.

Outside of popping it over an existing thumb... Yeah.

..can you tell me what you'd use it for?

Buying some braces. Right.

If you've got a Swanee whistler as a mate going about,

you could be in your braces, you'd do this.

DESCENDING WHISTLE But you've already two thumbs to do that.

OK. Famously, of course, it's used for magic illusions

and if I was to win today I will get on stage

and I will demonstrate it. Oh, thank you, Lee.

Entertainment. Honest to God, I want to give that man all your points.

I wouldn't contest that.

One left, Greg. Sarah.

Phew!

Uh, so I, um...

..always wanted to learn the bass

and I started playing the bass in August.

Is it sore when you're doing the old...?

Slapping the bass? Yeah. Yes, it get incredibly painful.

I used to find that, yeah, as well. Oh, really? Yeah.

What did you find was the best?

Well, I've got something I'll show you later.

Thanks, Mike. I'd appreciate that.

So she has submitted her genuine bass guitar.

It looks like this. Oh, nice.

Thanks. Do you ever whip it out, over your shoulder,

and then say out loud,

"Let's take this dog for a walk?"

I think I'm going to now. You need to. Yeah.

Points then, Greg, please.

I'm sorry, even though I rashly said

I was gonna give her five points, I'm not. Ah.

You can't swan in here with a drill and go, "That'll do."

No. One point, Charlotte.

Now, two points go to Sarah's bass.

Ooh! Didn't see that coming.

Three points, unbelievably, for Mike's thumb.

For a little, tiny bit of plastic, he gets three points. Yeah.

But I didn't realise there's so many uses. OK.

Now, we're up to the real money points here.

It's Jamali or Lee.

I'm gonna give it to ingenuity. Five points.

Four points to...

The old fella with the Swanee whistle.

..to old vaudeville over there.

Five points to Jamali Maddix. Yeah, there it is.

OK, we're off.

We are indeed. And this task is all about my favourite film -

cling.

Hello, Charlotte. Hiya.

Is that how you walk?

Yes.

Like that and then you stop... I know.

..when you get to an object. Yeah.

HE SIGHS

I don't like the look of this.

There's tape and there's cellophane.

"Cover your lower half in biodegradable clingfilm..."

"..and gaffer tape so that no part of your lower half

"isn't covered in biodegradable clingfilm and gaffer tape."

Can I just use one?

Oh, no, it's "and."

Your time starts now.

Did you have to put like "biodegradable" for...?

Yes, just so people know this programme is very responsible. Yeah.

We don't waste anything.

OK. Very responsible programme, this. Mm-hm.

So, covered completely with biodegradable clingfilm

AND gaffer tape.

It says, "Cover your lower half

"in biodegradable clingfilm and gaffer tape."

OK. Remember those words.

OK, well, first, we're gonna see

eight of our ten legs being covered.

Off we go.

But then the slight concern is the phrasing.

Literally every bit of me in clingfilm

and also literally every bit of me in gaffer tape.

That's my concern.

Does it have to be in equal proportions?

All the information is on the task.

Oh, it's not pleasant.

I genuinely feel like I've done this before.

Ah, the... Oh, you see that's the problem, innit?

What's that? Because I can't get down to the bottom now.

Who knew it was gonna be the feet that were so difficult?

Argh!

Ooh. It's like a pencil skirt.

Ugh...

I've never been especially bendy.

See, I'm doing it properly cos I know you're gonna say

"I can spot a tiny shoelace,"

and if anyone else does this quicker than me

and I see so much as a tiny gap... Mm-hm.

..I'll be on you like a shot.

Starting at the feet this time.

MIKE: In the absence of bendiness, need to do something else.

Oh, curses.

Under we go.

Right, so now, clingfilm.

Well, I was imagining it was clingfilm and gaffer tape

as a combination. You don't have to...

No, no, don't tell me that now.

It says every part of your body has to be covered with clingfilm

AND gaffer tape. OK.

If some of it's clingfilm,

some of it's gaffer tape, that is not what that says.

So if the others do that,

I'm telling you now, I'm gonna be kicking off in the studio.

Right.

Finished? Yeah. Great.

OK. Oh.

OK.

Oh, God. It's not a two parter, is it?

I feel like a mermaid.

There we go, then. No!

Good luck.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me there's anything. I'll kill you if there's anything else.

There's the task. Thank you, Lee. Good luck.

Oh, you bastard.

"Put on the captain's hat."

"Your lower half must be completely covered in biodegradable clingfilm

"and gaffer tape when you're wearing the captain's hat."

"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

Captain's hat.

Where's that hat, then?

Well, most aesthetically pleasing was yours.

Oh, you liked that? Yeah.

Cos I was thinking I preferred the block colour that Mike went for.

It was a lot more flattering. No, no,

cos as soon as I heard it I thought,

"I hope that they don't totally cover themselves

"in clingfilm AND gaffer tape." Right, right.

"I hope that they mix and match it creatively..." Yeah.

"..with a nice pattern."

Oh, that's all right then. What are you talking about? I don't know.

Read it back. Read it back.

"Cover your lower half

"in biodegradable clingfilm and gaffer tape."

What was the middle word? There's an and. And. And.

I mean, her legs were completely covered

with clingfilm and gaffer tape.

If I said, "Completely eat your chips and your beans." Yeah.

Would you eat them all?

I didn't expect people to completely cover it with both, but I can see...

But then why have both? Why don't you say...?

Don't have thinking time by going, "I didn't hear you."

Why am I not allowed thinking time suddenly?

Answer me!

I've given you the logic.

I'd say the wording's always open to interpretation.

Mike interpreted it exactly the same way as you.

Charlotte... Yeah.

..you said, "I feel like I've done this before,"

and I was fascinated by that.

Yes, me too. As soon as the clingfilm wrapped round I was like,

"OK, yeah. This feels...

"This feels right and it feels familiar."

Jamali has been separated from the pack, I see.

Yes.

Do you wanna see Jamali? Yes, please. Here he is.

I'm happy with that. OK.

That's incredible. It didn't even occur me to...

It didn't occur to one other person

that you could make yourself some trousers out of that.

Jamali, I'm incredibly impressed. Yeah.

I mean, we haven't actually reached the meat of the task yet,

so we don't know who's done best. No.

None of this was really relevant,

unless you're banning people for not being entirely covered in both.

Well. So in other words, it's very relevant.

Break time now, but hurry back -

some comedians are about to hurt themselves.

Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster. Is it race time?

Well, the athletes are ready.

They've prepared by strapping their legs up with tape

and clingfilm to make one big leg, apart from Jamali, who

strapped each leg separately like a very clever boy.

They're under starter's orders.

Here we go!

Captain's hat.

Where is the captain's hat?

Ah.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I've stopped the clock.

I've stopped the clock. It's not in that plane, is it?

I presumed it was on the plane.

It is on the plane.

Oh, there it is.

Does it fit?

No.

Inside the plane? No.

Is it on the plane? It's on the plane.

Oh, there it is.

I've stopped the clock.

Thank you.

Thank you, Lee.

Don't thank you me, come over here and check it.

Yes, you're completely covered with...

Completely covered in both in every bit, so every bit is covered by

both. All right.

I'm going to walk away with respect. Yes, you are.

Wait, I'm going to try this.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Can you do a 360 spin?

I'll try.

Scheisse!

Incredible scenes.

I mean, what's going on, Mike?

You look comfortable being taped up like that.

Yeah. And then you're asked to spin around, perfectly reasonable

request from my colleague. Yeah. And as you fall you just naturally say,

"Scheisse". It makes me think.

I was trying to, generally speaking, avoid potty mouth.

Yeah.

But when you're doing a 360 and you're gaffer taped up, these

things slip out.

Lovely. You, weren't asked to roll around on the floor.

Oh, OK.

Yeah, when I watched that I thought well someone must have

instructed me to do that. I think you all had fun with it.

Sarah included. Yeah. Yeah, I enjoyed it.

You just had a bit of fun with it. Lee, I don't know whether you were

having fun. Yeah, I'm, uh... Got to you.

So, if I'd have wrapped myself in just clingfilm and just taken

a little bit of tape off and stuck it on my knee that would've counted?

That would've been a great idea. Oh, good. Great idea, that'd be

amazing. That's fine.

Bro, you probably would've done that way quicker than you did it.

The only person to come out of this whole thing with any respect is

Jamali. Jamali Maddix was the fastest with his one leg at a time

system. Fair play, though.

He put the hat on in 40 seconds. Just one second slower was

Sarah in second place with 41 seconds.

Charlotte, one minute five. Mike, one minute six, which is

impressive, considering he really did wrap up his legs.

Lee, two minutes exactly.

That's a lesson for the kids, innit? About obeying rules

if they're watching. Yeah. Don't bother.

So, Jamali Maddix gets five points.

I'd like a scoreboard, please, just before Lee attacks me.

Here are the scores.

Charlotte is at the bottom of the table with four points.

Ah. But with a maximum ten points at the moment, it's Jamali Maddix.

There it is!

Let's have a lovely new task, please. Healthy lead.

OK, then next up is this.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Alex.

Wow.

Hi. Oh, wow. Yeah?

If you want. I like.

Oh, hi, Lee.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Hi, Jamali. How you doing, man? I'm good, thank you.

How are you? Yeah.

Don't know if I'm pulling off the hat but...

Are you ready? I am ready, yes. Here we go.

Oh, cool.

Oh, look.

Uh, oh, hello!

Oh, right.

Very nice.

Are you excited? Yeah. Yeah.

How are things? Oh, at home?

Yeah.

It's OK, now.

Good to hear.

You? Yeah.

You know.

Oh!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Nice, that was a nice little, that was very slick.

You sort of distracted me with your peril home life.

Did you ever see My Girl?

It was this really sweet kids' film.

Yeah. And he gets stung by a bee and dies. Oh.

Make the best uniform for this bee.

When they made me put this on, I was tucking everything in.

And I mean everything thinking, "Something's going to get me".

And it's that.

I've been on The Des O'Connor Show. I don't even need this.

You must wear your beekeeping outfit throughout the task.

You have five minutes to order five items.

Then 15 minutes to make the uniform.

Your time starts now.

Five minutes to order five items for this bee.

Yes, please.

Oh, OK. I think I know what I want.

OK. White cloth.

White felt, please.

Netting. Little bit of mesh.

White tack. White material.

Something to make a tiny sword.

I'm going to need more information than that.

Uh, so, uh, a short length of, uh, something grey or silver.

Again, you're going to need to be more specific.

A pea! A frozen pea.

A Stanley knife and some Tippex.

A whip. Polo mints.

Small motorbike. Some sand.

Or something akin to it, yes. No, it's not, "Or something".

Right, yeah. So, yes then, please.

Can I also have like a cold drink?

What type of drink?

Just like a cold beer.

That'd be great, man.

I think that's going to be enough. I'll see you later on.

Bye, honey.

Lovely.

I haven't got much to say.

We went through quite a journey, initially.

Mike came in first and I genuinely thought Mike's

decided to wear a beekeeper's costume today.

Then there was some youthful exuberance from our two young

people. Jamali, it's the first time I've seen you genuinely happy.

But then, Sarah brought us

back down to Earth by associating bees with the death of a child.

My Girl!

Remember that absurd twist in the plot?

And it comes out of nowhere.

Well, that's life, isn't it? That is life.

Mercifully, we know that all five of you survived.

So, let's have a look at your bee uniforms.

We're going to see Jamali, Sarah

and Charlotte, first of all, taking part in our sewing bee.

Hey, what's up?

I've been to the shops. OK.

And your 15 minutes starts now.

I just have to make a beekeeper's outfit for my bee, right?

Well, you have to make a uniform. You've chosen beekeeper's.

Ugh.

Did you think you had to make a beekeeping uniform?

Yeah. Ah, I thought you chose to make a beekeeping uniform.

No.

Isn't that interesting?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I'm such a dumb prick.

Gloves have got to stay on, have they?

And I have to keep the gloves on, right?

All the information's in the task. OK.

All right, here we go. OK.

So, are you trying to thread a mint? Yeah.

What's good is that the net sort of distorts your vision quite a lot.

It hasn't stuck, all right, OK.

I'm just going to staple the bee.

It's not a real bee.

Don't know why I thought this was going to be mad easy.

Oh, sorry, sir, for dropping you.

Can you thread this in for me?

No.

Ugh.

It was going quite well, wasn't it, for a bit?

It was. It's these dang gloves.

It's impossible to put the thread through that hole.

Right.

I'm just going to spend five minutes doing this

and then I'll have a luxury five minutes to do the task.

Ooh, look at that.

OK.

Six minutes left.

Ow, fuck it.

I'm going to change tactics.

I'm just going to really fill it with glue.

Like that.

So you've dunked his whole head in a bucket of glue. Yeah.

Ah, I didn't make space for the wings.

That's honestly tailoring 101 when you're tailoring for a bee.

You a big fan of movies? Yes.

Well, this is a nice little movie one for you.

Oh, really? Yeah.

What does a lasso look like? Um...

OK, he's unfurled the lasso because he's going, do you know what,

I'm going to stop hitting my workers. Hmm.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Do you know who that is? Is it from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?

You know the film where the guy gets visited by all the different ghosts?

Oh, Scrooge. Yes.

What was the netting for?

I was going to make a beekeeper outfit but then I gave up.

I thought you were going to make a beekeeper's outfit. Yeah, I was.

I was intending on making a tiny beekeeper's outfit with this

and go over his head like that.

But right now it's the Pope.

WHISTLE BLOWS

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Really great. I'd like to dig down into the narrative of your

character. Yeah.

What is he?

I think it was a sort of a Draconian commandant of a bee

colony and the whip is there to keep the workers in line.

Of course, I'm the bee commandant. Yeah.

I've got my cowboy hat on.

And, and what else have I got on there?

Glue. Yeah. And a staple.

So the narrative is the bee commandant is understandably

angry cos he's had a staple rammed through his intestines

just before he put his cowboy hat on and then there was an extra

bit of the narrative where he whips his staff.

Which caused you to be exasperated with yourself for bringing

whipping into it, I think.

Yeah, I thought - how's a bee going to hold a whip?

It's got wings! Yeah.

Charlotte also started trying to make a beekeeper's outfit.

Yeah, but it didn't work. Didn't work so you abandoned it.

Yeah. And turned it into a papal bee as we can see here. Yeah.

It's good. I mean it is good.

It's good, also can you see there's a slipper for every leg.

There are six little white papal slippers because that's part of the

Pope's uniform, isn't it? It is. Pope slippers.

Yeah. Did snip the fingers off the gloves, though. That was...

Yeah. It spooked everybody as well, didn't it? ..a masterstroke.

For one beat, I thought you were chopping your fingers off.

Like I was so committed to the show, I was like... I thought you were so

committed to this show. Fine. I don't need fingers. No. Yeah.

All the tasks. I know where I can get a spare thumb, anyway.

The end result is pretty impressive. Magnificent.

I just ask you the simple question, does the Pope wear a uniform?

Uh, are you kidding? Do you think he'd come out in a jeans and

T-shirt? I don't think so. No, but does he wear a uniform?

Yeah, that's what it...

Nowhere in the world has anyone ever referred to the Pope's

clothing as a uniform.

You've asked everybody, have you? You've asked everyone?

You've checked? No, no. Well, so what would you call it?

I'm going to put my Pope garb on.

Garb? Garb. Yeah. All right.

I think, let's have a look at Jamali's, anyway.

It's a lovely, it's a lovely Pope. Harder, I think, to interpret.

Looks like a hostage situation.

Tell us where the honey is!

Yeah, it's, uh, not a real ghost.

He's an actor playing the ghost of the Christmas Past.

Yeah, you're happy with your bee having a ghost uniform?

Well, yeah, cos if you think about it, it's a type of clothing you

wear to work, right? Yeah.

And so if you're an actor, like, you know when you've

acted in things, I don't know if you've acted in things but with...

I have. Have you, really? I know, I know you're unaware of my CV.

I should check it out.

And you wear your uniform, is your costume's your uniform.

And that's the costume.

No, I've never referred, in my many television acting roles,

I've never referred to my clothing as a uniform, not once.

Right. Time for some adverts, come back to us soon.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to the third part of the show.

Alex, what is the current situation?

It's a real code red, Greg.

There's a seriously naked bee that's in need of clothing.

We've seen three attempts at nano-dressmaking so far.

Finally, it's time to see Lee make and Mike make.

Right I'm going to take this off. Yes. Don't start the clock yet.

I have started the clock. No, you can't. That's not fair.

I can't stop the clock. Oh, for God's sake, Alex.

I had to take the jacket off - the others don't have to do that.

Arts and crafts aren't really my wheelhouse, generally speaking.

What's in your wheelhouse, Mike?

Afternoon naps.

Breakfast.

Right. There you go. HE WHISTLES

Feel like...using scissors was something that I knew how to do.

I'd better jazz up the collar a bit.

Hopefully he won't mind having a, er,

a spike going through his nut.

Right, you know what this is, don't you?

It's your classic "turn your frozen pea into a bee helmet" situation.

We've all been there.

Here we go.

Gosh, if ever I needed a pair of glasses, it was now.

This is what they should do.

Get rid of the traditional eye test.

It'd make you look forward to going to the opticians, wouldn't it?

Right, progress.

Cape. Bull.

Alex, could you go online and find out what the world record is

for jumping double decker buses? Yeah.

A man jumped over 18 on 29 August, 1983.

Well...this is a British record.

He did it in Wales.

WHISTLE BLOWS Little bee matador.

And that, my friend, is Beevil Knievel...

..made from split pea, about to jump almost the world record.

The world record for a bee.

Going to go for it. Good luck, Beevil.

Ooh.

WHISPERS: Don't let me down, Beevil.

Here you go. You ready?

This is the one.

He's still on his bike.

Come on.

Ready?

Oh, that was a bad one.

Forget it.

APPLAUSE

Well, I'd like to deal with Mike first, if I may. Yes.

Who instantly decided on the matador idea.

A lot of detail - you made the bullring,

you got hold of the bull. Yeah. Sand. Yeah.

My gut instinct is that when we see the matador's outfit in isolation,

it'll be rubbish.

I think, yeah, I think your instincts are probably correct.

This is what it ended up looking like.

Yeah. LAUGHTER

Yeah, I mean, that's obviously a bullfight that's gone wrong,

I think. He's also dead. He is dead.

It's a dangerous profession.

Right, the matador bee, compared with free stunts

from Lee Mack, as well. Yeah. Beevil Knievel.

Yeah, here is Beevil.

You can see the word "Beevil" on his collar.

What interested me is, when the challenge was set,

immediately you went, "Get me a frozen pea."

Immediately. And you knew it was for the helmet for Beevil Knievel.

Immediately, because I knew that I only had a small window.

You have to defrost that frozen pea perfectly.

Too hard, you'll never cut through it.

Too soft, and it won't be able to protect a skull.

It did crash several times, and the helmet stayed on.

Well, it did its job. LAUGHTER

I'm ready to make judgment. Right.

Do you want to put them all up the screen?

Put them all up, and let me judge! There we go, OK.

CHARLOTTE: I love that this looks like a family of bees,

and this is all of their names... LAUGHTER

..and the different achievements that they've done.

Like two proud bee parents.

MIKE: Charlotte's doing great.

I think they're all quite proud of Charlotte, probably.

Which is the worst uniform, Greg?

I mean the worst out the worst outfit is clearly the ghost.

So, one point to Jamali.

Very close to getting the one point was, er, the bee commandant.

Yes. Yes. I'll take that. Yeah. Two points.

Two points Sarah - and thank me for them.

LAUGHTER

Erm, Mike Wozniak's matador bee is very lucky to be

getting three points.

Right, third place for Mike. That's what he gets.

So, it's between the Pope and the stuntman.

They're both a visual delight to me.

But, because there was extra stunts,

I think Beevil Knievel, on this occasion, just takes it.

But four points to Charlotte. Yes. Five points to Lee.

I'm happy with that. Thank you. APPLAUSE

Another one!

And it's time to throw some shapes.

Hey. Hi, Sarah.

Hello, hi, Alex.

Hello, there. It's Christmassy. Thank you.

"Arrange the seven objects in a line on the table in order of

"how many sides they have."

"Fewest sides on your left, most sides on your right."

"You may only touch the objects with your face."

HE SIGHS

OK.

"If anything falls from the table, you're disqualified."

"If anything falls from the table, you are 'disquals-ified'."

Disqualis-fied.

"You have ten minutes.

"You must put on your darkness goggles...now."

OK can you see anything? No. Can you carry on reading?

Jamali?

Oh, no. What's wrong?

Well, I can't see, of course. No. They're darkness goggles.

I can't see anything. What am I doing?

I mean, I've been asking that since I started the show.

Please read the final line of the task.

Erm...

"Your time starts now."

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

I'm keen to crack on and see what'll obviously be a humiliation.

Let's have a look.

We're going to start with two right nosy parkers -

Charlotte and Sarah.

Er...oh.

OK, that feels...rectangular.

Right, I'm...oh, quite near the edges of the table.

Oh.

That was close!

Right, that's an egg.

What the hell's that?

Oh, right.

one, two, three.

Er...that's a circle.

How many sides has a circle got? One?

That's a rectangle.

Oh, fuck. There's that egg. OK.

Is that hygienic, to get an egg shell in your mouth?

I don't know. Yes, it is, yeah.

Please be careful.

Er...where did it go?

Right, off you go.

That's a pyramid.

Hang on, one...

What's that? Is that...

Why is that wet?

Where's the egg gone?

Oh, ow.

One...two, three, four.

As I suspected.

So, one...

..two, three, four.

What's that?

Paper! How many sides has paper got? Two.

Ow.

That's a banana.

How many sides does a banana have?

One?

What's this? Oh, God!

An unknown.

A banana.

Think bananas have got... like, more sides, maybe.

So, I'm going to go there.

Two sides to a page.

What's that?

Er...five.

You, over here, near jelly.

Ohh!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh.

Egg. Paper.

I feel like there might be something with three sides.

Oh, God.

This is it. Urgh.

What is it?

Right, done.

WHISTLE BLOWS Thank you.

Thanks, guys. Thanks, Sarah.

APPLAUSE

There were two moments in your attempt, Sarah, that, to me,

just summed up the futility of life.

Go on. It's when you, er, dropped the egg,

and you were still like a heron.

And then, at the end, there was this existential grunt of "aargh"!

LAUGHTER

I had the horrors about that for days.

Just the thought of me sightlessly licking objects. Yeah.

Snuffling around like a salamander on the bottom of the ocean.

It was just disgusting to watch.

There was a lovely moment when your chin went into water, as well,

where you went, "Yeah".

LAUGHTER

She was unlucky. She did actually do pretty well.

But, as Charlotte said, if something falls to the floor,

you are dis-squashified.

Dis-squashified. You are.

Charlotte became a, sort of, primary school teacher at one point.

"You're over here near jelly."

I think I should've chosen a different outfit, cos I don't

need any more extra help looking like a primary school teacher.

You were good at working out how many sides things have. Thank you.

"Paper, two." Yeah.

"Banana, six or seven." You did well.

Well, er, again, Sarah said this like it was one of the great

questions of our age, "How many sides does a banana have?"

LAUGHTER

Do we get the answer to that, though?

The Internet thinks it's five.

You want the paper one end, and you want things like the banana

and the pyramid the other one.

She ended up with egg, paper, cheese, drink, iced jelly, banana.

It's pretty good. Yeah, very impressive.

Me? Yeah. Oh, great.

What did, er, Sarah drop?

She dropped the egg, so she is, er, squashlef-ified.

LAUGHTER

Right, last link into the break for this episode, possibly ever.

If the world ends during the adverts, don't worry -

Alex and I have got an escape pod.

We'll be just fine.

Well, I will - he's going to get eaten!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, we're back!

We made it, after all. It's the last part of the show and there's

a shape-feeling task under way. And don't I know it? We've seen

Charlotte and Sarah's attempts at nosing the objects

into number-of-sides order. Now for the men.

The disgraceful men. LAUGHTER

Face... Face-based geometry.

That's exactly it, Mike. OK.

OK, so that's one...

Urgh! What the fuck is that? That's two.

Uh, uh, uh...

Oh, that fell. I'm out.

Uh... What's that?

Ooh, that's not pleasant.

Is there anything... Ah, hello!

Oh, what's this?

Very hard to count sides with your nose.

Uh... Uh...

I can't tell. I think that's got three sides.

Oh, my God!

Er, that's a little bit like being kissed,

kissed by someone on the cusp of death.

LAUGHTER

That's gone in something, innit?

I've rolled something somewhere. Ha!

I didn't hear the dull thud of disqualification. No.

Ooh.

Has something fallen on the floor?

Why can't it just be something normal? Why

it be like, oh, it's like smudge! Smudge?

It's like, shit, oh, well, we've got shit on a plate.

People at Channel 4 watching people eat shit on a plate.

I used to have a career.

Oh... Ugh...

One, two, three... That's got five sides cos it's a container of water.

I don't know what this is. I put my moustache in it

and that didn't actually help.

LAUGHTER

Uh...

That's a pyramid, that.

Not sure what this guy is.

That's a piece of paper.

Oh.

How many sides has a bloody banana got?

Oh... Egg.

Uh-uh! Oh!

This isn't fair!

I was told to trust my instincts, but my instincts are telling me to

squeak like a bat and use the sound,

but I don't think I've got the hearing.

If I'm disqualified for that...

LAUGHTER

Not bad, considering

I've got my goggles on!

A... A Brie, perhaps?

If it's wedge time, you're talking five sides.

Yeah, I give up on this one.

I think I'm done.

There we go.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE Wow! Well done, the men.

Well done, men. I'm gonna start with you. Er, you fascinate me.

Without any hesitation, once you've read the task, you turned

to Alex and you said, "Ah, so some face-based geometry."

Straight away. Yeah, right. And then, straight away after that,

without any hesitation, you tucked your tie into your shirt.

Everything led me to believe you've done a lot of these things before.

Down to business. I've got small children... Yeah. ..so we will

construct stuff where you have to guess with your face or your hands

and, sometimes, that is road-tested. You HAVE done this before? So, I've

shoved my face in stuff before. And have you said to

your young children, "Right, it's face-based geometry time"?

Every Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. Absolutely fascinating.

Jamali, that all went horribly wrong. Yeah, like,

I knocked the first one down, I already knew I lost,

and then I just had jelly in my face and water in my nose, and I...

Honestly, I just got mad. I just... Yeah. I got very unprofessional...

Yeah. ..and I just decided to fuck the place up.

THEY LAUGH

Lee, erm, there was a moment that you probably

haven't registered during your attempt,

and it's a noise that you make when the jelly falls off the table,

and it is genuinely heartbreaking.

Here is the noise.

Uh-uh!

LAUGHTER Oh! Do you want to hear that a few

more times, Greg? Let's see that.

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Oh, no! My tongue instinctively tried to grab, but then you remember

you can't grab with a tongue. You ended up snogging the table

more than anyone else. It was unpleasant, I'm not gonna lie.

Let's see it one more time. Yeah! Focus on the tongue

trying to chase the jelly. Yeah.

That's what I enjoy.

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Oh, I think there's a bit of saliva there as well.

I've had enough now! So harsh! I mean... Yeah, but, you know,

you've got something for your showreel out of it! Oh, you think

I've got a career after this to have a showreel for?! Oh, interesting.

It's nice. So, two people, Mike and Charlotte, were

incredible at this game and had no problems. They were

very successful. I don't know if that's a good thing. It IS

a good thing. I mean, you were at a disadvantage, cos you haven't

played it multiple times. Right. Twice a week, yeah. You got

the cheese in the right place, but you got the jelly far too close to

the paper and the egg. It should've been right up the other end. Oh.

So, you were one worse than Charlotte. So, four points to Mike,

five points to Charlotte Ritchie. Lovely. Oh, my God!

I think that's the first time. APPLAUSE

It's a bit controversial, but because they did so well, I'd like

to celebrate by watching Lee

drop that jelly off the table. Yay! If that's all right?

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Thank you, guys.

Thank you so much. Well done. Can I check how many points the three

people who dropped things get? Er, I'm afraid nothing. Nothing?

Yeah. Nothing to Jamali, or Lee, or Sarah. Fair. Let's have a look at

the scores, baby. Sarah is down the bottom, our series leader

has only eight points. First-time leader

Charlotte is on 13! Yay! APPLAUSE

It feels so good.

All right, everyone, will you please

make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?

APPLAUSE

Hi, Greg. Welcome.

Who's gonna read it out? Two people are gonna read it out today.

First time ever.

I'd like Sarah to read hers, and then Lee to read his.

Grab the marshmallow with your tongs.

When the Taskmaster says "play",

you have ten seconds to grab

the marshmallow.

Once your tongs are over the table,

you must attempt to grab the marshmallow.

If you successfully grab the marshmallow, you win. So, that's

what one team will do. The other team will do this.

Bat away the marshmallow.

When the Taskmaster says "play",

you will have ten seconds to bat away the marshmallow.

Your hands may not be over the table until the other player's tongs

are over the table. If your hand is over the table first,

you are disqualified from the round.

If you bat away the marshmallow, you win.

It's a game of Slaps, but with tongs and a marshmallow.

There are gonna be six battles. If someone in your team wins,

that is one point for everyone in your team. First to grab and bat

are Sarah versus Lee.

It's gonna be Sarah grabbing, Lee batting. Just to

be clear... Yeah. ..I'm going to be saying,

"Three, two, one, slap and tong", and I don't want you to play until

I've finished the word "tong". Thank you. So, remember, Sarah, if

your tongs go over that table at all... Yeah.

..you've got to fulfil the grab.

OK, good luck, everyone.

PINGING

GONG STRIKES Three, two, one,

slap and tong!

I'm focusing.

CHARLOTTE: Go on, Sarah, you can do this.

Go, Sarah.

Ooh, she's good! Lovely. One point to the team of three.

Lovely.

Thank you.

On this occasion, it's gonna be Mike to grab.

It's Jamali to bat.

PINGING

Three, two, one...

..slap and tong.

TONGS CLICK

LEE: Nice. Oh!

Oh, wow! Wow, man, you are...

That was quick.

What a display!

Yet another activity that

Mike Wozniak's clearly done before. Just when I thought he couldn't

look more like a praying mantis!

LAUGHTER OK, it's Lee to grab. Charlotte, you

are batting. Got you. You understand it? What's the technique again?

I've got it. You've seen Karate Kid.

Three, two, one, slap and tong.

Watch out for the mic cable. Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm gonna get you... Damn! Ooh!

I was in the middle of saying, "I'm gonna get you". I know.

I took that opportunity.

Phew, no points yet to the batter. We're halfway

through. Three more games to go. Sarah to slap. Go, guys.

Mike to grab.

Three, two, one,

slap and tong!

Oh!

The first time a batter's got a point.

Well done, the team of three. Well done. Jamali's grab.

Lee to slap. Jacket off, is it? Oh, serious, is it?

Here we go.

Going backhand again, is he?

CHARLOTTE: Love that.

You gonna say the "tong" thing? I am, yeah.

Three, two, one...

..slap and tong!

Oh! Oh! Ooh!

Tense, innit? Fuck, it IS tense, innit?

Lovely.

That was textbook.

This is the final battle. Charlotte to grab, Mike to slap.

Take your position.

No pressure, but you've gotta get this, Mike.

Three, two, one...

PINGING

..slap and tong!

Oh! Wow! Oh!

Oh! So close!

Lovely. Sorry, Mike.

Did you see what happened there, Wozniak? No gimmicks. Nothing.

No, just action. Smooth, slick. Right, come down.

We'll find out how that's affected the final scores!

APPLAUSE

Has that put the cat amongst the pige-ons?

The cat is very much amongst the pige-ons!

What reactions there were, what reflexes! Oh, cat-like.

Yes, and the team of three were the only ones who won

one of the batting games, which means they all win four points.

The team of two get two points each. Take it. Yeah. Well done.

Well done, everyone. And so? So, we are at the halfway stage of

the series and the scores are pleasingly alphabetical.

Charlotte at the bottom, with 58.

Jamali, 67. Lee, 70.

Mike, 71. Sarah,

90 at this stage. Oh! However, due to her final grab,

the winner of this episode, for the first time,

Charlotte Ritchie, with 17 points. Yay! My God!

Charlotte Ritchie wins! Please go

and handle your operational prizes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what have we learnt today? Today, I hope we've learnt

how to celebrate the simple things in life.

The sound of birdsong. BIRDSONG

Waves crashing on a beach.

CRASHING WAVES

And a 52-year-old man knocking jelly off a table with his tongue.

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Uh-uh! Farewell, my friends.

See you soon for the sixth chapter. But for now, let's applaud

tonight's winner, Charlotte Ritchie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media