Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

Why don't you just for once in that self-obsessed head of yours,

have a thought for how other people might be feeling, hmm?

Sorry, love, but I've got two viewings and a burial

with a vegan buffet.

You can tell your friend Sunny that his wife has gone home!

Do you do B&B?

♪ And then she smiles

♪ And my heart starts beating

♪ I go weak inside. ♪

Ems, babe, please, just listen a minute...

Piss off.

Get 'er out!

And tidy up.

Oh keep it down, mun, my head's knocking.

Morning! How did it go?

Don't let her in!

Jasminder, shop!

Where is Emma?

Where's the baby?

I don't even live here any more! Give me the milk! That's not fair!

Just eat when you get to school! Selfish, you are!

I need it more than you!

Oh, Mam, tell her! She used all the milk.

I'll get some more in a bit.

I need it now! Let me have some of Abhra's, then...

No, you little freak! Mam, tell him, he's an animal.

Have some toast.

Oh, he can't, Stell. I've had the last.

- Sorry. - Since when do you eat actual food for breakfast?

You normally just have gin.

Mm.

Right. Just this once.

Oh my God, this family is so chav.

Hoo-hoo! Someone's a bit above herself this morning.

Well, it's true.

Mam...

I want my bed back. Luke shouts in his sleep.

They gonna be here long?

Not if I can help it, love.

See ya.

So long.

- Ta-ra! - Ta-ra.

Right you, there's some old clothes of yours upstairs,

get changed and go back to that husband of yours.

I can't. It's over.

- Shut up! - Come on, he'll be breaking his heart, mun.

Well he shouldn't have turned into such a knob with his posh friends.

You should have heard him. Like a proper 'tally-ho' twat he was.

Was he?

Now who's being chav?

And that Leah was all over him like a bad rash.

And she probably knows the name for it in Latin.

I'm never gonna be like her, am I?

Oh don't be such a drama queen. Poor boy's done nothing wrong.

What, like Dai you mean?

# So give me back my heart

♪ That's all I have to live for

♪ Give me back... ♪

I see you're back then, Robert Morgan.

Yep.

Back then, are you, Rob?

Yep.

Thought so.

- Taxi. - Aye. Taxi for Mr Little Alan?

Pontyberry Comp, please, Drive. Jump in.

Ngh... ngh! Oh...

It's not me you should be telling, it's Paula!

Yep.

- Rob. - Yep.

I don't get it though.

You and my uncle Dai, you always been solid, like.

I know.

But all the things I used to love about him

just get on my nerves at the moment.

Like his sexy whistling in the dark

and that thing that he does with his Weetabix.

Eurgh...

Sean got on Mam's nerves in the end, and look what happened there.

Oh shut up you! Not helping.

Hiya, presh. Alright?

And the idea of him stood there with the John Major on.

I thought Dai was Margaret Thatcher?

No. I'm always the Iron Lady. It's more erotic that way.

That's me off my breakfast, then.

Just as well, there's nothing left. I got crisps.

It's alright, I'm going for a run. Have you seen my trainers?

In the bathroom!

Hello. You better come in.

Er... you've got a visitor.

I've come for my wife,

and I'm not leaving this house without her!

Oh...

And me as well! Not his wife, mine.

Obviously.

Some of the strip lights can be a bit jippy,

but give 'em a bang with a broom.

Usually does it.

I'll remember that, thanks.

So.

I know this is hard, Idris, but I need you to give me the keys now.

Thanks.

Lots of hopes and dreams have died in this place, Robert Morgan.

So many hopes and dreams.

Yeah well, um... I'm in the middle of training

so would you mind if I got on?

You know, my old Gumpi started this place.

Worked himself to an early grave.

Yep, yep you said... Then my old Da.

He died in that very chair doing his VAT returns.

There's been Howells living

and dying at Pontyberry Construction for...80 years.

Yeah, well, I'm sure that er, you know...

Life goes on.

♪ Time is a laddo me laddo is baddo

♪ And time is a lady no more...

♪ Time is a devil unravelling revel

♪ And time is a lingering whore! ♪

She sang in here as a child, Rob...

Sing the rest, my love. Last chance you'll get now.

No, no. There's really no...

♪ Time come and get me

♪ For I'll not forget thee

♪ For time will come knock on my door

♪ And time is a winner

♪ And time be a sinner

♪ But time is a lingering whore. ♪

Oh God...

♪ "Little Bit" - Lykke Li

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ I think I'm a little bit

♪ A little bit in love with you... ♪

Cheers, Drive. Keep the change.

Cheers Guvnor, have a good day.

As I said, you're dealing with a woman who knows what she wants.

Oh, here's your mam.

And what she doesn't want - and knows how to get it.

Yep...

Secure me the land cos I have found you the builder...

Yep. All sorted...

No, he's got the keys, for God's sake!

Oh, don't worry. I'm very confident we can do business.

OK...bye now.

What's this?

Breakfast.

Does anyone in this town feed their kids properly?

Urgh!

No way.

I swear to you, presh, I will improve my performance

both as lover, friend and husband.

And lover. Stop being so dramatic, mun.

I just need a bit of space, that's all.

So you coming home later, then, or what?

It's a wake-up call, Paul.

The wise horse moves to the shadow of the whip.

That last bit, that was a metaphor if you're wondering.

We haven't actually ever...

Oh stop it mun, Sun, Mam tell him!

You've got that top on inside out, good girl.

Oh yeah. I need a drink.

Oh shut up, mun. No you don't.

Mam, can you give me and Abhra a lift home?

Sunny's going uni aren' you? Yeah.

Oh Christ,

it's like a bloody drop in centre 'ere today.

I take it your marriage is no longer in trouble, then?

Nah, Sunny said I'm just paranoid and deluded about that Leah.

That I was being a bit of a dick. Charming!

I didn't actually call you a dick. Yes you did...

Oh don't start now, God... You've only just made up.

Alright.

What d'you want?

Well I'm here for Luke, as it goes.

We're going for a run. Oh.

Well, come in then. Just don't get mud on my floor!

Luke! Your father's 'ere.

Alright, I'll be down now! Alright.

Hiya.

Felt sick to the pit of my stomach when I read it.

Are they insane?

"There will be no further funds awarded to your..."Organisation.

It's not an organisation it's a rugby club!

It's the end of an era, that's what it is.

Dai, we gotta stop them.

I know.

We gotta find someone who'll fight our corner,

someone who'll stand up to them bastards in the council

and defend our heritage!

Well you won't have to look far, Al. Really?

Cos I'm looking at that someone right now.

Dai Kosh?

No, mun. You, you daft pillock!

Oh I dunno, would they listen to someone like me? Really? I mean...

Oh God!

What's the point of anything any more?

First my wife, then the club. Can this day get any worse?

Come on. Let's get down the council.

Find out what the hell's going on. Aye, alright.

Eh, take it easy on the beer now, Dai Kosh.

Alright?

Pass him one of them pasties, Dai Davies.

Aye.

Something solid inside, is it?

Leave me.

I don't want no pasties.

Pontyberry Construction's officially yours, then?

Yeah, well I'm hoping I can put a bit of it your way -

and sooner than you think if this contract goes through...

Serious?

Yeah, I don't want to say too much

but I got a meeting this afternoon with a developer.

I'll let you know how it goes. Tidy.

Aunty Brenda!

Well, this weather can't make its mind up!

I was hoping to go for a run later.

You, run?

Oh look who've piped up.

Seen the error of your ways then have you, Rob Morgan,

after waltzing off down America and what have you?

It was Canada, actually.

Never you mind where it was, good boy, you left a trail of destruction

in your wake and it was us had to clear the hool thing up.

I thought you were living in Tenerife at the time...

Anyway, I got a job now, Aunty Brenda, down Big Rae's.

So I heard, eh - well done kid!

It's just till something better comes along, like.

Well don't get your hopes up, isn't it?

The country's in a double-dip recession,

unemployment's rising and you done 18 months for car theft.

If I was you I'd be grateful for what I got.

Now I'll join you in some stretches

if you don't mind before the day becomes a total washout.

Agh...

Yeah...

Yeah, OK. Thanks very much. Bye-bye.

So, she finally decides to deign us with her presence.

Sorry.

I am up to my eyeballs in corpses, good girl.

You been drinking?

No.

Why not? What's going on?

Well if you must know...

Oh my God, I've left Edna Sketty under the dryer!

She'll be like a bacon baguette by now.

Well?

They won't move.

The lease is up for sale and they're gonna sell it.

Unless we can pay.

Raise the money yourselves, they said...

What the hell we gonna do?

I'll tell you what we're gonna do, Dai Davies,

we're gonna do just that.

We're gonna raise the cash ourselves.

And let no man stand in our way.

- Pardon me. Sorry, sorry. - Excuse me.

And that stretches right back to Lithey Street,

which gives access to the school and the High Street,

so location couldn't be better, really.

Good Morning!

How lovely to see two young men keeping fit!

Alright. Alright.

You'll never guess in a million years who that is...

Well, er, actually... Melissa - Big Al's ex-wife.

Hitler in a pencil skirt she is.

She won't let Little Al eat nothing. 'Cept tomatoes.

And the occasional oily fish.

Can't imagine them together, though, can you?

Met in Lanzarote, 18-30s, back in the day.

Used to be HUGE by all accounts.

♪ "Ghosts" - Laura Marling

♪ He walked down a busy street

♪ Staring solely at his feet

♪ Clutching pictures of past lovers at his side

♪ Stood at the table where she sat

♪ And removed his hat

♪ In respect of her presence

♪ Presents her with the pictures and says

♪ "These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you

♪ "These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you." ♪

Josh?

You're a lightweight, mate - I managed two lectures already this...

Oh, don't worry, it's not how it looks.

- Where's Josh? - Oh, er...

I locked myself out.

He gave me his bed - he was quite the gentleman in fact.

It's nothing to do with me who you sleep with.

I wish it was...

Sit down a minute.

I'm gonna go find Josh...

Sunny. We can't ignore what happened last night.

We can't pretend it didn't happen.

I'm sorry Emma hit you.

She got this stupid idea in her head that you...

Fancy me.

And why is that such a stupid idea...?

Because it is. Isn't it?

I think your wife is very, very...

Perceptive...

What?

What you doing?

What am I doing?

There's no point fighting it, Sunny!

Pity I gotta go.

Enjoying the view, I was.

Keep the gloves in order.

Right.

Don't let anyone leave this gym with a glove-shaped carrier.

Too many light-fingered - boxers round here. - Right.

Go on. Get yourself in, if you like.

Nah, another time, maybe.

Hello there!

Mrs Barclay...

Excuse me.

Jagadeesh Choudary - this is my shop.

So it is. Very nice.

I heard you singing the other day at the tanning salon...

Your group, your choir, and I thought it sounded exquisite.

Well, thank you very much.

I must get on, I'm late for pilates.

Of course - I was wondering whether you might consider

taking on any new members?

Good grief, no.

I'm afraid we have a full complement of singers

and a waiting list of 23

so I do apologise, but the answer's most definitely no.

♪ My funny valentine

♪ Sweet comic valentine

♪ You make me smile with my heart

♪ Your looks... ♪

Rehearsals are 1pm Tuesday. The Community Centre.

Be there.

I will.

I will!

Alright Jag?

Hello!

The wanderer returns.

Ah, yes. YES!

Obviously, I'm really pleased to have you back Emma.

As am I...

But you still shouldn't have abandoned your husband like that.

It's not the behaviour of a doctor's wife.

Not now, Tan. Hold on now, good girl...

He's not technically a doctor yet. All the same.

Ah, here he is! The man himself.

What are you all doing here?

Discussing the fact that your wife left you alone at the ball!

She didn't! Yeah, he wasn't alone though was he?

From what I heard that Leah - was all over him! - Mam!

- I wouldn't say that. - That's no reason for his wife to walk out on him.

First rule of med school.

What happens in med school stays in med school.

Second rule of... What the hell do you know about med school, Tanisha?

You run a bloody sweet shop!

- Mam! - At least I'm no common or garden washerwoman.

Please! Now, I have decided that what we need

is an event to unite us as a family.

Something to bring harmony...

And joy and blessings. We have such strong foundations here...

- Spit it out. - A Namkaran.

What we need is a Namkaran.

Oh, nah, you're alright Jag, I just had a Hobnob.

A Namkaran isn't a biscuit, Emma. It's a baby-naming ceremony.

Like a christening.

Aww. But with better food.

When Sunil was a baby it brought Tanisha

and myself together against her interfering family.

Oh, I'm gonna have to get a new sari and everything, won't I?

I'll have to get my hands henna-ed.

Oh. And I'll have to learn Punjabi, won't I?

To greet the guests and that.

I know one bit already - Mai tennu pyaar karthi hun.

It means I love you, don't it Sun?

Yeah. It does.

Here's lovely! Well, can't do no harm can it?

- Little christening. - Namkaran. Same thing.

With better food. Better food. Yeah, you said.

Augh! End of the Piccadilly Line!

Oh, oh, oh!

- Hello? Shop! - Ohhh!

Sorry, Yant. Me and Karl were just looking...

Shagging in the tanning booth!

Karl, mun! No we weren't. Makes no odds to me, 'Dine.

We're all disgusting at the end of the day.

You've met Peschman, of course. Peschman Hodd.

Hiya, yeah! Please, call me Pesch.

Or The Fish.

Hey, it's the Fishman! Hey, hey, hey!

Peschman, mun.

Namaste Karlos!

Counsellor he is, 'Dine. I know that, mun.

And he's looking a bit pasty, aren't you, butt?

So you tell me, Yan Toe.

So I thought I'd bring him here

for a nice semi-bronze from your magical tan gun.

What d'you say, 'Dine?

Have he brought his own pants? I'm lending him mine.

Pop yourself in a number 3 then, is it?

- Thank you. - Hey.

Well...

No disrespect, like, Paul,

you knows I takes people as they comes,

but you are gonna LOOK like a cappuccino soon,

the amount you been putting away.

Mo, you know that bedsit.

Is it still available, like?

Yeah. Why?

You know someone who might be interested?

Yeah. Me.

I said to Alan when we were married,

I said. "You eat what you like, but leave my baby out of it."

Oh, it was lonely, Rob, being married to a fat man.

Right.

So, this meeting you had with the council...

Mm.

I'll cut to the chase.

When they heard Idris Howells was selling up,

they started getting nervous.

But once they found out Mr Big Shot Rob Morgan was buying him out

it seemed to calm them down.

You've got quite a reputation, you know.

Well my company has.

No, it's not just that.

Local boy made good - successful business in Canada,

coming back home with his lucky streak!

Oh you tick all the boxes, you see.

Well the contract was pretty much a done deal -

and that was thanks to Idris Howells.

Oh don't be so modest, it doesn't suit you.

You effectively rescued the deal. So, cheers.

Isn't this a little premature?

I mean you haven't told me where the land is yet.

Spoilsport. I was keeping it as a surprise.

Well I don't really like surprises, Melissa.

OK.

It's Pontyberry Rugby Club.

You're not serious?

I know, not a popular site.

But the lease has run out and they've got no money to renew.

Time to move on. But nobody likes progress round here.

That's why I need a real businessman behind me.

But the rugby club...?

Problem?

If you don't think you're up to it,

I'm sure I could start looking elsewhere but it's a shame... No, no, no.

There's no need for that. Good.

Then we have ourselves a deal!

And you're rotating...

You're rotating...

You're rotating...

Eh, you couldn't get the street lamp fixed outside our house could you?

Nadine, I am not such a counsellor.

I am a Life Coach!

I help people with their seemingly insurmountable

problems of the heart and soul.

Well it's a bloody big problem for me, I can tell you!

On, off, on, off, on, off - I'm not getting a wink of sleep.

What with that and the pregnancy.

Ah! You're with child?

Congratulations - Karl didn't say - he must be over the moon?

Yeah, he is. Or he will be like, after I've catched.

He don't know we're trying at the mo.

We're gunning it every given opportunity

and to be honest I'm whacked out, I am.

Then perhaps you are trying too hard.

Perhaps you should attend my workshop.

Please, take a leaflet from my bags.

Ooh.

"Change Your Mind, Change Your World."

Tomorrow afternoon. The Community Centre.

Only a couple of places left!

Save the club!

Thanks.

For the rugby club.

7p is all I got, Al.

Need the rest for my cockin' pie.

Well, anything you can spare really.

Nice. Thanks.

Eh, Paul - I seen your Dai this morning down the club.

Bit worse for wear, like. An' maudlin.

Lovely, thanks.

He looked bloody awful, to be honest with you.

Alright, mu, Al. I get the point.

Yeah, I seen him and all, and to be fair,

he did look bastard rough, like.

She've been in by 'ere avoiding him, she have.

I have not been avoiding him!

How many coffees?

Seven.

Well she's steering clear of some bastard bastard.

I'll be back a bit later Mo to... y'know...

He's not the only one who's suffering.

Ee, there's trouble at mill!

I'm showing her the bedsit later - don't tell me that's normal.

The corned beef, presh?

Two thanks.

Ah. Hello Pesch, you been on your hols?

I let Yan Toe persuade me to be tanned.

I think Karl gives him commission.

So, how are things, my friend?

Absolutely shit. I've lost my job,

I'm losing my rugby club and Mo's out of beef and onion.

Well, I might have a small opportunity for you.

Something to ease the pains.

Eh!

It's not some of that Dutch weed is it?

Smoke it in cafe's they do Mo, bold as bastard brass.

No, no, I have been clean now of narcotics, alcohol,

nicotine and processed sugar for almost eleven years, now.

Bet you're a fun date.

Ha!

"Change Your Mind, Change Your World."

Nah, no thanks mate, it's not my thing.

Not to participate. To facilitate.

I need a capable pair of hands on the music.

Somebody to work the CD player for the trust exercises.

Bit busy tomorrow, like. I got a lot on, lot of... things to do.

I can pay you £15.

Where d'you want me?

I 'eard the sooner you start shaving

it makes your bristles come in stronger.

Who told you that? One of the old women in your class, was it?

Oi!

Might try it, see what happens like.

Why d'you want bristles all of a sudden?

I knew it! Benny-boy got a crush! No I haven't!

Yes he have! What's her name?

Go on, spill! Oh pack it in!

Tell me or I'll tell Mam!

OK, OK...it's Bethan.

Bethan... Emma's friend Bethan, who's the same age as Emma,

as in 17 Bethan?!

17, yeah.

- Wow. - What?

Nothing. No, go for it!

But what do I say to her, like? To ask her out?

Just ask her if she wants a coffee or something.

Oh that's rubbish.

What if she's not thirsty or she don't like coffee?

Ben! Luke!

Tea's ready.

OK!

You know what'll happen if she says yes, don't you?

You and her...

Up a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Oh, shut up!

Your bristles all over her... Oh, get off me!

They can't close you down! Not the rugby!

The whole town'll be up in arms.

Yeah, well I won't let them, Stell.

That's why I'm raising the money to pay for the lease.

Oi! Morrisses!

Get down here sharpish or I'll give your tea to Big Alan.

OK!

So...

How's it feel being single again?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, it's alright. They say rejection do make you bitter.

Was it the age difference in the end, was it?

Or sleeping with Rob Morgan?

What? No!

Actually it was me that...

Oh, don't matter.

Y'see, I reckon the best way to cope with being dumped

is to throw your energies into something else.

That's what I do. "Find a project, fight the pain."

That's what my self-help tape used to say.

- Hiya. - Who's in pain?

They're selling off the rugby pitch.

- Serious? - Aye.

Got a little pound?

Taxi for Dai?

Davies or Kosh?

It's for Dai Kosh, it is.

The biggest loser in the hool of the Berry!

Leaving now for destination... despair and despondency!

Come on, then. Ooh!

Let's get you home, then.

In you go, come on Dai.

Come on, watch your 'ead.

D'you want a carrier bag? Just in case?

No.

Nadine, that meal was stunning. No two ways.

Sit down a minute, babes.

I got something to tell you.

Oh my God.

You've never asked me to sit down before.

Karl... Just tell me, put me out of my bloody misery, woman.

Are you gonna die?

What?! Don't be thick, mun, Karl.

No what it is... I haven't caught this month.

Caught what?

Oh... right.

Are you angry? You're angry, aren't you?

Tell the truth, presh, I didn't know you was trying to catch.

That's cos I didn't tell you.

So er... all that shagging and that, wasn't cos you was horny 24/7?

Hang on...

I never thought you wanted babies,

you always said they knock you out of shape, and that.

I'd 'ave a Caesar, Karl, course I would, like Posh Spice

and the Queen an' that.

I'd wanna keep my vajojo tidy, only fair on you in the long run.

Ahh... Come here you!

Woo!

You sure you're alright there, Dai?

You want me to come in with you?

I might be the biggest loser you ever had in your taxi,

but I am capable of opening my own front door, thank you.

Hey...

Hey, Dai. Have a look at this, eh?

"Change You Mind, Change You World."

I know all about that, I would.

Well, you never know, mate. Might just help you out, eh?

Tomorrow afternoon, it is.

Yeah...?

Oh, hey... nearly forgot...

I'm alright for money...

Yes, it's small, but that's the nature of the bedsit, see?

It's fine. I'll take it.

You don' have any pets, do you?

Only the last bloke had a lizard an' it went AWOL in the drainage system.

I don't want that happening again.

No pets.

I take it Dai's not moving in with you, then?

No.

Oh, and you'll know Yanto, of course.

Lives in number 3. Alright? Again.

Alright.

Look out, his eyes is opened!

Thank you, my friend.

Welcome.

Tell me this, who here actually likes themselves?

Interesting!

Nobody...?

Except Aunty Brenda.

Good, well that's good.

One person only.

What about the rest of us?

What is this destructive pit of self-loathing

into which we have all fallen and now drowned?

So, we need a focus person. Who shall that be?

Who will that be?

Nadine...

Will you choose for me a name please?

Dai. It do say Dai.

Stand up please, Dai.

Did the universe specify a surname please, Peschman?

Dai Kosh.

The universe has chosen Dai Kosh.

So, how are you feeling, my friend?

Bit nervous like. Bit "in the spotlight," like.

And d'you have nice big juicy problem

you'd like to share with us today?

Well I don't know about big and juicy

but he've definitely got a problem, haven't you, presh?

Aunty Brenda, I must ask you,

please, to respect the boundaries of the room.

No cross-talking please.

And no pasties, Dai Davies.

In your own time, Dai.

Let us hear your pain.

Music, Alan.

♪ "Tubular Bells" - Mike Oldfield

Well, things haven't been going very good recently on the home front.

I've erm...

I've lost... my girl.

My beautiful, wonderful, wife Paula...

And when exactly did she die, Dai?

What? No, no she's not dead, mun.

She's just gone off me, like.

Oh God! Paula! Please come... back.

Please come back!

Come back...

It's OK, Dai...

Paula come back...

You are safe here, and you are with friends.

Gah... Come back...

Will we be having a coffee break, d'you think?

I take it those aren't for Banjo.

You didn't get these from no garage.

They're to cheer you up. And to say sorry.

You always liked white roses, didn't you?

So, how's the new business - coming along? - Very good.

I've inherited - well, potentially inherited a big contract.

Which'll set everything up nicely.

Should all be sorted in a couple of weeks.

And then you'll go back to Canada?

That's the plan.

Cos, to be honest, it's freaking me out

seeing you around the place every day.

I could get offended by that.

Shut up, Rob, since when did you ever get offended?

Come for dinner with me.

What?

I want to take you out for dinner.

- You're asking me out? - Yeah. Why is that so strange?

Um...

I don't know where to start with that one, really!

How about the fact that most people in our shoes'd be celebrating

their silver wedding this year, only you buggered off to Canada in 1988

and things went tits up?

Or the fact that me and Sean were very happy

till you come along and spoilt it?

Or that you ruined my son's dreams of a new life in Canada?

- Take your pick! - You're so determined to live in the past!

Stella, I'm trying to make things right between us...

And what for, exactly? You gonna move back to Pontyberry, are you?

Give up your flash Vancouver lifestyle,

start going down the Legion on a - Friday? - You're impossible!

- Maybe take up darts! - And a bit deranged.

I think Sean was right.

You just see me as some little challenge don't you, Rob?

Like one of them Sudokus or a cryptic Crossword...

- Have you been drinking? - You may be used to clicking your fingers

and getting what you want, good boy, but not where I'm concerned.

You already fucked my life up twice.

Once when you left me and once when you came back.

You're not doing it a third time,

so, sorry, but I won't be going on a date with you, alright?

Alright.

Dai, the universe has chosen you to lead us through this.

I want you to take your time my friend,

look around the room, please,

and to choose a person who reminds you of your impotence.

I'll go for Dai please. Dai Davies.

Cheers, butt!

And someone to represent your wife, also.

Um...

Jagadeesh please.

Thank you very much.

Dai Davies, Impotence,

if you could you lie on the floor there please, sir,

just flop down there.

Jag, my friend, you are Paula on a pedestal.

I want you to stand over there, please.

To win Paula back, Dai, you must first forgive your impotence

and then take it over to Paula.

Are we ready to do this?

Music, Alan, please.

♪ "Tubular Bells" - Mike Oldfield

And you said all that to Rob?

You are off your head - now he'll just think you're keen!

Don't be ridiculous I told him where to get off.

Yeah, exactly - you got all worked up. Absolute giveaway.

You should've acted nonchalant. In fact, you should've said yes!

Oh God, you talk bollocks sometimes.

I don't want to go for dinner with Rob Morgan, OK?

Who you trying to kid?

Couple of months ago you were shagging him in the Belmont.

Yeah... Well that was...

You know...

Ooh, a little trip down Memory Lane.

Something like that.

You and Rob, that night... was it...

Like, did it feel the same?

What you on about?

Y'know, like, doing it with him.

Was it the same as when you were sixteen?

Was it the same size and everything? Oh. My. God.

You are utterly disgusting.

I'm just curious, that's all.

Memory Lane's a bastard.

Memory Lane's a cul-de-sac where you're concerned, good girl.

With my heart, truly, I embrace thee.

I love thee. I love thee.

I love thee...

Oh, Christ!

Chewy mint?

Embrace him fully.

And now pick him up.

Ngh... Ngh...

Can you carry him Dai?

Ngh... No.

No, OK, that's OK, so...

Let your impotence support YOU and take you to Paula.

Stay behind him, please, Dai Davies.

I love you, both. I embrace you both.

I shall be there. For both of you.

Thank you my dearest, my only true love.

Sorry.

Went down the wrong tube, it did.

Oh, why is it so complicated, Pauls?

Why can't everyone be like you an' my brother?

I mean, I know you've had your ups and downs recently...

But you're alright now, aren't you? Stell I've...

And thank God, I say,

cos I hated the thought of you two drifting apart.

I was so happy when you said everything was alright again,

and you was going home to Dai.

Oh, that came out wrong.

But not just because I know how much he loves you,

but cos you're Paula and Dai, aren't you?

You're meant to be together.

Everyone else's lives can fall apart, that's fine, but not you.

What you've got is really special.

Stella, I got something to tell you...

What?

I did something today that will probably upset you...

Paula...?

It...

Y'know things have been building up for a while, and I...What things?

Paula what've you done?

I...

I tried on a dead woman's shoes.

So?!

Oh God, I thought you were gonna tell me something dreadful then!

Come on.

Prepare for a miracle, my friend!

Return home where your wife will be waiting for you.

If it is meant to be.

I must cover myself there Dai Kosh,

I don't want you to sue me for breach of promise, OK?

I couldn't have done this without you boys.

I want you to know that.

This will be for ever etched in my heart.

It won' go any further though, will it?

What we just did then?

I feel so different. Like a new man!

Peschman said you'd be here!

Oh my God, Paul.

I don't want to be a second away from you again.

Don' move!

I know we was keeping this for something special,

but I think this is pretty special, don' you?

Dai, hang on, babes...

Cos it was blip in the universe, that's all it was.

Dai, I got something to tell you...

Paula... What's going on?

I need some time. On my own.

A little break.

From you.

Is this a wind up? Or is it butterfly?

It's butterfly. It's very much a butterfly.

Sorry.

Am I in some kind of dream here? Are you telling me you left my brother?

I knew I should've kept running!

I said, have you got the grit?

Yes, Bobby.

Stella, be nice tonight is it?

Open your communication canals.

What has been so different of late

in the bedroom department store department?

Well, for a start, I slept with someone else...

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