Original subtitles

Rock and roll is to me

It’s a lie, it’s a fantasy It’s a lie, it’s a fantasy

Rock and roll, what a scream

It’s a lie, it’s a fantasy It’s a lie, it’s a fantasy

Sometimes it seems so unreal Sometimes it seems so unreal

Go! Go! Go! Go!

I just don’t know how to be... I just don’t know how to be...

Ukraine.

Your bra. Your bra.

Who can you trust in this lonely day? Who can you trust in this lonely day?

Where can I hide

From fortune and fame...

Then the cheese... Then the cheese...

it spoke to me.

Ooh. Ooh.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it.

Okay, okay! I admit it!

I’m afraid of my own sexuality!

Tough girl. Tough girl.

Well, I have trouble with aggressions.

My psychologist says it’s a common problem with nymphomaniacs.

My psychologist says it’s a common problem with nymphomaniacs.

Just let me be

Find lots of love, not another one-night stand...

Find lots of love, not another one-night stand...

The Minstrel Club Ministry The Minstrel Club Ministry

are gonna do a Stamp Out Satan sing-along.

That’s really great,

but, um, I got cocaine to do. But, um, I got cocaine to do.

Rock and roll fantasy

Lost control

But I gotta take the chance But I gotta take the chance

Rock and roll fantasy Rock and roll fantasy

Rock and roll fantasy Rock and roll fantasy

Yeah

I thank you all for the lessons I’ve learned

I thank you all for the lessons I’ve learned

For the people I’ve met... For the people I’ve met...

Did I say, "Nymphomaniac"? Did I say, "Nymphomaniac"?

I’m sorry. I’m a pathological liar.

I’m always mixing those up. I’m always mixing those up.

So when do Ken and Barbie move in? So when do Ken and Barbie move in?

Very funny.

You know, from in here, it’s hard to tell

that somewhere in this house,

people are actually having a good time. People are actually having a good time.

I told you I have to work on my project tonight.

And you honestly thought I was gonna let you?

And you honestly thought I was gonna let you?

Bre, let me explain something to you.

If I don’t finish this project, If I don’t finish this project,

I’m not gonna get an "A" in this class,

which means I’m not gonna get that scholarship.

Which means I’m not gonna get that scholarship.

And if I don’t get to go to Europe, I’m gonna kill you.

Heh. This whole scholarship charade has gone on long enough.

Heh. This whole scholarship charade has gone on long enough.

Why don’t you just admit it, Alex? Why don’t you just admit it, Alex?

You’re addicted to model glue.

My project’s due at the end of the week, okay?

I swear after that, we’ll spend some time together.

I swear after that, we’ll spend some time together.

Then after that, it’ll be something else.

Then after that, there’ll be something else.

Then after that, there’ll be something else.

We’re going out. You have to change.

This isn’t helping.

Come on, Alex. If this was something Come on, Alex. If this was something

you really wanted to do, I’d leave you alone.

No, you wouldn’t.

Then how can you expect me to leave you alone

Then how can you expect me to leave you alone

doing something you don’t want to do?

Besides, you have real talent. Besides, you have real talent.

Why do you bother making dollhouses?

Because they don’t send you anywhere for drawing rock stars.

Tell that to my aunt. Tell that to my aunt.

She won a trip to Palm Springs for drawing Mac Davis.

Bre, good night! Bre, good night!

Come on, Alex.

I feel responsible for this. I feel responsible for this.

You’re my best friend,

and all year long, I’ve failed to have a bad influence on you.

And all year long, I’ve failed to have a bad influence on you.

I have to make it up to you.

You’re not gonna leave me alone, are you? You’re not gonna leave me alone, are you?

Not until I get you to leave this room.

Okay. I’ll make you a deal.

This glue has to dry. This glue has to dry.

I give you exactly one hour

to be a bad influence on me.

Cool. Cool.

"M..."

"P." "P."

Shemp?

What the hell is Shemp? What the hell is Shemp?

Wasn’t he one of The Three Stooges?

Oh! I hated that guy!

What’s going on?

Do you want to fulfill my deepest fantasy? Do you want to fulfill my deepest fantasy?

Yeah.

Then put on some dark clothes Then put on some dark clothes

and wait for me in the middle of the street.

Okay, so I lost.

Can I put my clothes back on now?

- Heh. This is war. - Heh. This is war.

58 minutes. 58 minutes.

Shemp! Shemp! Shemp!

I’m leaving.

Come on, you got to... Come on, you got to...

Alex? Alex? Alex? Alex?

This summer will sizzle This summer will sizzle

when megastar Jamie Z rocks the planet

with his new album, "Moby Dicked." with his new album, "Moby Dicked."

And get a double dose of Jamie

as you’ve never seen him before, Amish. As you’ve never seen him before, Amish.

Johannus, what we do here is wrong.

We are not like these interlopers. We are not like these interlopers.

You mustn’t go after these men with guns.

God hates a vengeful man. God hates a vengeful man.

Well, Rachel, God had His way,

and I’ve got mine, and there comes a time and I’ve got mine, and there comes a time

where you just gotta kick some ass.

Jamie Z in "Mennonite Fury," Jamie Z in "Mennonite Fury,"

coming soon to a drive-in near you.

A nine-year-old metro... A nine-year-old metro...

Guess who?

Chet, isn’t there anyone else you can be annoying?

Yeah, but I’d rather be annoying you. Yeah, but I’d rather be annoying you.

Alex, who’s wearing that cheap cologne?

It smells like, uh, It smells like, uh,

Chet.

Does your mother know you associate with this hellion?

Chet, shouldn’t you be out harassing the homeless

Chet, shouldn’t you be out harassing the homeless

or burning books or performing some other Party function?

I’m trying to talk here. Do you mind? I’m trying to talk here. Do you mind?

Ha. And you just keep on trying.

Evolution will eventually catch up with you.

Evolution will eventually catch up with you.

Oh, wow. I concede conversation

in the presence of this... in the presence of this...

these points.

Say hi to your mother for me.

Yeah, and say hi to those things that hatched you!

Yeah, and say hi to those things that hatched you!

Oh, Chet, I’m sorry. Come back.

I want to show you my Taser gun. I want to show you my Taser gun.

50 minutes.

What do you expect? I’m out of my element. What do you expect? I’m out of my element.

Come on. We’re going for a little road trip.

Some media blitz. Who knows where Red is? Some media blitz. Who knows where Red is?

And the star’s locked in the bathroom.

I thought it was odd when I had to interview

I thought it was odd when I had to interview

Three Dog Night in three separate rooms,

but at least I got to see them.

Nobody sees Jamie, nobody. Nobody sees Jamie, nobody.

Let me through. I’m his analyst.

Jamie? Jamie, don’t you think Jamie? Jamie, don’t you think

that I’d like to lock myself up in the bathroom

and roll up on the cool tile floor? And roll up on the cool tile floor?

But I don’t, Jamie, and you know why?

Because I’m a big person, huh? Because I’m a big person, huh?

Jamie, remember,

hiding isn’t helping.

Jamie! This is Ruby. Jamie! This is Ruby.

Listen, I got a hot new project for you. Listen, I got a hot new project for you.

It’s called "Sloth II."

What do you think?

Is that so?

Is that so?

Well, listen to me, you blubber-loving fish kisser.

Well, listen to me, you blubber-loving fish kisser.

If Jamie Z wants to harpoon a whale

on the cover of his album,

God damn it, he’s gonna harpoon a whale, God damn it, he’s gonna harpoon a whale,

and there’s not a thing you can do about it.

Where do you want it, Mr. Ferret? Where do you want it, Mr. Ferret?

Put it next to Buddy on the wall.

Uh, I got a call on line two. Uh, I got a call on line two.

Can you hold on just a minute?

Gee, thanks. Gee, thanks.

Yello.

Hey, Red, I been trying to reach you.

Jamie? Yeah.

You sound like you’re in a church. You sound like you’re in a church.

Where are you?

I’m in your john, man.

Heh heh. What are you... Heh heh. What are you...

What are you doing in the bathroom?

Man, I’m freaking out. Man, I’m freaking out.

The second I step out of my car,

I get attacked by the press.

And then when I finally get inside,

the promo team starts in on me. The promo team starts in on me.

Calm down, kid.

You have to deal with the press.

That’s the business. That’s the business.

Yeah, I know. I know. You need a break.

Tell you what. My new car is right out front.

Tell you what. My new car is right out front.

Think you can get out the bathroom window?

Yeah, go ahead and take a spin. Yeah, go ahead and take a spin.

And there’s a full wet bar inside, too, And there’s a full wet bar inside, too,

so knock yourself out.

Mm-hmm. All right.

Don’t thank me. Don’t thank me.

That’s what I’m here for.

All right.

I don’t want a sloppy job.

Well, don’t worry about it, Mr. Ferret. Well, don’t worry about it, Mr. Ferret.

The car, the brakes,

it’s taken care of?

It’s a simple brake job. It’s a simple brake job.

And anyway, I been in this business 35 years.

And anyway, I been in this business 35 years.

As a matter of fact, it’s about time

for me to be turning the old piano wire here over to my son.

For me to be turning the old piano wire here over to my son.

He’s just graduated college.

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Thanks.

Yeah, wasted a couple years bumming off of Dad,

Yeah, wasted a couple years bumming off of Dad,

but now he’s gonna take over the family business.

Now, you see, that’s the way it should be. Now, you see, that’s the way it should be.

I mean, now, look at me.

I find this kid strumming a guitar in a coffee shop.

I find this kid strumming a guitar in a coffee shop.

I make him the biggest rock-and-roll star in America,

I make him the biggest rock-and-roll star in America,

hell, the world!

And what do I get?

I got to be a full-time babysitter. I got to be a full-time babysitter.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I like the kid,

but, uh, sometimes you have to put business before friendship. but, uh, sometimes you have to

put business before friendship. but, uh, sometimes you have to put business before friendship.

Besides, I think this piece of paper

has been in my desk drawer long enough. Has been in my desk drawer long enough.

So if you boys are finished with the car,

I guess our business is concluded. I guess our business is concluded.

You understand this is a delicate matter,

so from this point on, I never want to hear from you again.

So from this point on, I never want to hear from you again.

As far as I’m concerned, this conversation never took place.

As far as I’m concerned, this conversation never took place.

What conversation? What conversation?

- 22 minutes. - 22 minutes.

Would you lighten up?

I could be studying, but instead I’m in a bar named Indian Jim’s.

I could be studying, but instead I’m in a bar named Indian Jim’s.

What’s the deal with that guy? What’s the deal with that guy?

Oh, Jimmy baby? He’s a sweetheart.

- Oh, beautiful ladies. - Oh, beautiful ladies.

Could I introduce to you

some curried hot, spicy buffalo wings?

No. Now you’re talking. No. Now you’re talking.

Bre, I am not eating here!

Come on, Alex.

This is something you can tell your grandchildren about.

This is something you can tell your grandchildren about.

Oh, sure. Gather around, kids.

Let Grandma tell you about the time she got botulism from Indian Jim.

Let Grandma tell you about the time she got botulism from Indian Jim.

A brake job, fast and easy. A brake job, fast and easy.

You know, I still don’t understand You know, I still don’t understand

why Red wants to kill his biggest client.

Will you shut up? Hey, wait.

You got some brake fluid on your lapel there.

You got some brake fluid on your lapel there.

Get your hands off!

Ooh! Ow! Gee!

15 minutes.

Alex... Alex...

I had a friend who was a lot like you in high school.

Her name was Alison Spinelli. Her name was Alison Spinelli.

All the Spinelli kids went to Yale,

and Alison’s parents

pushed her to get there, too, pushed her to get there, too,

so she studied all the time,

got straight As in every class

and never had any fun. And never had any fun.

Do you know what happened to her?

The day before graduation,

she hung herself in the reference section of the library.

She hung herself in the reference section of the library.

They found a note scrawled on the back of a Dewey decimal card.

They found a note scrawled on the back of a Dewey decimal card.

Do you know what it said?

"Suicide is easy. "Suicide is easy.

’Beowulf’ is hard."

Is that true? Is that true?

No.

I never had any friends that smart in high school.

I never had any friends that smart in high school.

You’re the smartest person I know.

Gee, thanks.

Could I go home now? Could I go home now?

Six minutes.

You know what I want?

I want to see you get drunk off your ass. I want to see you get drunk off your ass.

Oh, and what is that going to accomplish? Oh, and what is that going to accomplish?

I don’t know. Let’s find out. I don’t know. Let’s find out.

Oh, Jim.

Oh, did anyone ever tell you Oh, did anyone ever tell you

you’ve got eyes like a llama at sunset?

No, but my friend here could use a drink. No, but my friend here could use a drink.

Ah. I shall get her a rug burn.

A what? A what?

Here we are.

Two wham-a-bam-a New Delhi Rug Burns. Drink up.

Two wham-a-bam-a New Delhi Rug Burns. Drink up.

Smells like formaldehyde. Smells like formaldehyde.

Oh, come on.

Jim, is there formaldehyde in this?

Ho. I don’t know why people keep saying that.

Ho. I don’t know why people keep saying that.

Bre, you’ve asked me to do Bre, you’ve asked me to do

a lot of things in my life.

I’ve done them, but this is where I draw the line.

I’ve done them, but this is where I draw the line.

There is nothing that’s gonna make me drink this.

Okay. Well, if you really want to go... Okay. Well, if you really want to go...

Ohh. Ohh.

Alex?

Alex. J-Ja...

You look like you swallowed a cockroach. You look like you swallowed a cockroach.

Shh!

You’ll find no cockroaches here. You’ll find no cockroaches here.

Hello, dearest old friend.

Time has passed slower than a yak

since I haven’t seen you. Since I haven’t seen you.

You look most unpleasant.

Can I get you something?

Yeah, whiskey. Yeah, whiskey.

Not exactly what I’m thinking.

Make it double? Make it double?

Bottle.

There you go.

What are you doing?

Do you have a death wish or something? Do you have a death wish or something?

Stop.

Stop that.

You don’t look so good.

Jim, what did you put in this? Jim, what did you put in this?

I cannot tell you.

It is an old family secret It is an old family secret

passed on by my great-great-grandfather, Chamni.

He was an embalmer with the grand Rajas, you know.

He was an embalmer with the grand Rajas, you know.

Embalmer?

Embalmer? Embalmer?

Jai-Jai...

Bre,

look over your shoulder. Look over your shoulder.

Don’t look!

Oh, it’s him again. Again? Oh, it’s him again. Again?

Yeah, he always comes here at the end of a tour.

Did I forget to tell you that? Did I forget to tell you that?

Why? Do you want to meet him?

Hey! Hey, Jamie!

There’s somebody I want you to meet. No, no, no.

There’s somebody I want you to meet. No, no, no.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh. No. No. Shh. No. No.

Hey, hey, Jamie. There’s someone I want you to meet.

God, Alex, would you stop being so shy? God, Alex, would you stop being so shy?

My friend here draws pictures of you.

They’re really good. You should see them. They’re really good. You should see them.

Would get you get over here?

Jamie, I’d like you to meet Jamie, I’d like you to meet

my best friend in the whole world, Alex.

Alex, this is Jamie Z. Alex, this is Jamie Z.

Hi.

I’ve killed him.

Where are you going? Where are you going?

Your glue’s dry. We’ve gotta get you back to your project.

You’ve seen him. Let’s go. You’ve seen him. Let’s go.

Well, we can’t leave him here.

Okay, we’ll take him with us. Okay, we’ll take him with us.

Oh, good!

You grab the arms. I’ll take the legs. You grab the arms. I’ll take the legs.

Is this is sort of like kidnapping?

No, no, no. In his condition, No, no, no. In his condition,

it falls closer to grave robbing.

Wow, good!

Did... Did we take the bus here? Did... Did we take the bus here?

Because I don’t have any tokens.

Alex, you’re gonna hate me tomorrow. Alex, you’re gonna hate me tomorrow.

Okay, here goes.

Oh, Bre, did you smell that leather? Oh, Bre, did you smell that leather?

That’s real leather.

Only rock stars wear real leather.

Oh, now that’s a shame. Oh, now that’s a shame.

You wouldn’t think a rock star this big would have split ends.

Do me a favor. Do me a favor.

Make sure he doesn’t drool on the seats.

And don’t you drool on the seats either. And don’t you drool on the seats either.

Oh, he’s got the cutest little ears.

You can’t see them usually

’cause his hair’s covering them, ’cause his hair’s covering them,

oh, but they’re like little crisp potato chips.

Oh, they’re wond... Can you see them? Oh, they’re wond... Can you see them?

Could you see his ears? Look.

Would you stop with the ears? Would you stop with the ears?

We have got to worry about the rest of him.

How we gonna get him into that party? How we gonna get him into that party?

Oh, they’re perfect.

I knew they’d be perfect, and they are. I knew they’d be perfect, and they are.

What party?

We’re dead.

Well, well, well.

Dad, the oil from this crash

has seeped into the water table. I just know it.

Has seeped into the water table. I just know it.

Gotcha.

Private investigator.

You seen this guy? You seen this guy?

Heh.

Well, perhaps you should buy a drink to jog my memory.

Well, perhaps you should buy a drink to jog my memory.

Hey, I don’t drink on the job.

And I’m not an information service. And I’m not an information service.

Have a nice day, sir.

Maybe you didn’t hear the question. Maybe you didn’t hear the question.

I’ll have to repeat myself!

No, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! Is that necessary?

You know, violence only leads to more violence.

You know, violence only leads to more violence.

What’s he gonna do,

practice passive resistance on us? Practice passive resistance on us?

Oh, no. I’ll be resisting you Oh, no. I’ll be resisting you

most actively, sir.

Now get the hell out of here.

Whooee! Whooee!

Alex, I thought I’m supposed to be the one with stupid ideas.

I know stupid, and, believe me, this is a stupid idea.

I know stupid, and, believe me, this is a stupid idea.

Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing. Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.

So why are you destroying my seat covers?

Relax. Half the people at this party are drunk.

Relax. Half the people at this party are drunk.

Half the people are naked.

Half the people could care less.

Yeah, but what about the other people? Yeah, but what about the other people?

Relax. No one’s gonna notice us. Relax. No one’s gonna notice us.

Random acts of kindness Random acts of kindness

Do something nice for someone Do something nice for someone

Promote agreeableness Promote agreeableness

Hey, dude!

Hi, Alex. Just be a minute.

Miranda, out! Miranda, out!

Picking up local transients. Picking up local transients.

Let me guess. Bre’s idea?

Why don’t you let sister Miranda help you out?

Why don’t you let sister Miranda help you out?

I know a lot of guys.

Oh, so that bathroom advertising’s working for you?

Oh, so that bathroom advertising’s working for you?

Bitch.

Alex, if you’re thinking of turning Alex, if you’re thinking of turning

this sorority house into a halfway house,

you’ve got another thing coming. You’ve got another thing coming.

We don’t need your GPA that bad.

Random acts of kindness Random acts of kindness

Who’s she kidding?

This house would lose its charter without you.

This house would lose its charter without you.

Random acts of kindness

Whaah! Ow! Whaah! Ow!

We are wobbling all over the place.

Wait, no. No, he’s gonna suffocate like that.

Wait, no. No, he’s gonna suffocate like that.

We got to turn him over. We have to turn him over...

Ahh! because he’s going to suffocate! Ahh! because he’s going to suffocate!

Oh, my God, not on my teddy bear.

Oh, this is so insane. Oh, this is so insane.

Hey. It’s getting pretty cold out there.

You coming out?

O-Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Don’t wake him. Don’t wake him. Oh, my God. Don’t wake him. Don’t wake him.

Look how beautiful he is.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Hearts don’t stay sweet Hearts don’t stay sweet

I can’t leave, there’s a midnight treat I can’t leave, there’s a midnight treat

With a cherry, with sugar on top

Drink it up, flavor down to the last drop Drink it up, flavor down to the last drop

Looking so good Looking so good

Good enough to eat

Look so fine

Baby, sweet Baby, sweet

Wet dream

Whipping cream Whipping cream

Little lady come apart at the seam

Ooh, child, drive me wild Ooh, child, drive me wild

Doing everything with style

Look so good

Good enough to eat Good enough to eat

Yeah

Look so fine Look so fine

Baby, sweet Baby, sweet

Yeah

Oh, taste it Oh, taste it

Whoa, taste it Whoa, taste it

Whoa, taste it

Whoa, taste it

Yeah, yeah

Hey, child, you’re driving me wild

Doing everything with style Doing everything with style

Pink champagne, feeling the pain Pink champagne, feeling the pain

Let’s do it a while again

Look so good

Good enough to eat Good enough to eat

Yeah

Oh

Look so fine Alex. Look so fine Alex.

Alex.

Bittersweet

Yeah Yeah

Oh, taste it Oh, taste it

My last hit, My last hit,

and I botched it.

That damn Indian knows something.

Why don’t we just go back and beat it out of him?

Why don’t we just go back and beat it out of him?

Dad, you can’t go through life

just thinking with your fists. Just thinking with your fists.

Why don’t you just call Mr. Ferret?

Because he told us not to, son. Because he told us not to, son.

Weren’t you listening?

You gotta respect the requests of your clients.

You gotta respect the requests of your clients.

Always remember that. Always remember that.

Why don’t you get some sleep?

I’m sure by tomorrow, he’ll turn up dead somewhere.

I’m sure by tomorrow, he’ll turn up dead somewhere.

Andy, I’m trying to teach you

the finer points of the trade... the finer points of the trade...

the... the right way to chop up a body, the... the right way to chop up a body,

the correct way to dig an unmarked grave, the correct way to dig an unmarked grave,

how to select the... the proper lime. How to select the... the proper lime.

Oh, hell. Oh, hell.

Maybe you’re right.

There’s always tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow.

Do it again.

You’re on My MET with Paraquat Kelly, You’re on My MET with Paraquat Kelly,

and that was Jamie Z.

Still no word on the singer’s whereabouts,

but police are skeptical after recovering but police are skeptical after recovering

the wrecked car he was driving early this morning.

In other stuff...

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, no, no.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Beer. No phone. Beer. No phone.

No... Aha.

Ah, the phone.

Bre. Bre.

Hello. This is Bre. Hello. This is Bre.

I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m fluffing my cat.

Please leave a message, and I’ll ignore your call later.

Please leave a message, and I’ll ignore your call later.

Bre. Bre.

Bre! Bre!

I’ll be right over.

What took you so long?

I’ve had four cups of coffee!

I don’t think coffee’s good for you right now.

I don’t think coffee’s good for you right now.

Search the floor.

There’s gotta be some Valium here somewhere.

There’s gotta be some Valium here somewhere.

Jamie Z is handcuffed to my bed!

Got anything to eat?

I don’t own handcuffs. I don’t own handcuffs.

Who handcuffed him?

Why don’t you take him breakfast in bed? Why don’t you take him breakfast in bed?

Guys like that.

Okay. That’s a good idea.

What do you think he likes to eat? What do you think he likes to eat?

Well, let’s think. He’s a rock star.

How ’bout a bat’s head and a cup of blood? How ’bout a bat’s head and a cup of blood?

You’re a big help.

Here. Take him this.

Can’t go wrong with a banana. Can’t go wrong with a banana.

Oh, Red. Oh, Red.

Red.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, my God. I’m in misery.

Bye.

Did you realize you burn the same amount of energy

Did you realize you burn the same amount of energy

climbing a flight of stairs as you do having sex?

That means I’m having

the equivalent of four orgasms the equivalent of four orgasms

trying to get to Geology every day.

You gotta tell me what happened last night. You gotta tell me what happened last night.

What do you remember?

Well, I remember drinking something

that tasted like carpet cleaner.

Then I woke up with a rug on my face, Then I woke up with a rug on my face,

and everything in between’s kind of fuzzy.

You mean, you don’t remember table dancing You mean, you don’t remember table dancing

for those Korean businessmen?

Did I do that?

No, but it would have been a lot easier No, but it would have been a lot easier

to deal with in the morning.

Red, what’s going on?

Well, I’d love to stay and talk, Well, I’d love to stay and talk,

but I gotta run.

You can’t leave!

Hey, some of us didn’t have a man in their bed last night.

Hey, some of us didn’t have a man in their bed last night.

I’ll be back after I run up and down

the library steps a few times. The library steps a few times.

What am I gonna do?

Red?

You’re an artist.

Go in there and teach him the rest of the primary colors.

Go in there and teach him the rest of the primary colors.

Hello again. Coffee?

I brought you some corn flakes. I brought you some corn flakes.

I didn’t know if you liked whole or skim,

but all I have is skim.

You know how girls are. You know how girls are.

Um...

those aren’t mine.

I don’t know who they are, I don’t know who they are,

but they’re not mine.

I’m really sorry my room’s such a mess.

I been working on that project over there, like, a really long time,

I been working on that project over there, like, a really long time,

and I haven’t really had time to clean it up.

And I haven’t really had time to clean it up.

How many personalities have you got?

Can I talk to the one that’s a locksmith? Can I talk to the one that’s a locksmith?

I’m not nuts.

Good. Then you’ll know how to react when I do this.

Good. Then you’ll know how to react when I do this.

Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!

Help! Help! Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

Help! I can explain. Help! I can explain.

I can. I can. Help! Help!

I can. Um... I can. Um...

Oh, my God! It’s Jamie Z! Oh, my God! It’s Jamie Z!

Jamie Z!

Jamie!

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

Help!

Jamie Z.

Shh. All right, now just hold on. Shh. All right, now just hold on.

Jamie Z is... Please be quiet.

Just keep it down.

Miranda says you have Jamie Z in there. Miranda says you have Jamie Z in there.

I’ll explain. Just hold on, okay?

Jamie Z? Oh, my God, Alex.

Please. Okay, I’m gonna tell you something, Please. Okay, I’m gonna tell you something,

and you just gotta promise not to say anything to anyone, all right?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, yeah.

Now, Jamie Z is...

my cousin.

What? What?

Yeah. Oh, my God.

I can’t believe that he’s your cousin. I can’t believe that he’s your cousin.

Shh, shh! I know. Yes, that’s cool,

but he just got back from a really grueling tour,

but he just got back from a really grueling tour,

and he’s so tired, he’s so beat,

and he just wants to come back to relax.

Aww. Aww. Aww. Aww.

You know how it is. Poor thing.

You know? Yeah.

Why is he handcuffed?

Why is he handcuffed? Um... Why is he handcuffed? Um...

he asked me to.

What? Huh?

He’s got this thing. He’s got this thing.

A terrible drug problem.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. No.

Are you serious?

Yeah, he’s going through rehab,

and he couldn’t check into a clinic. And he couldn’t check into a clinic.

The publicity would destroy him.

Aww! Oh, my God. Aww! Oh, my God.

I know.

Kidnapping!

What is he saying?

He’s having a delusion. Sad, isn’t it? He’s having a delusion. Sad, isn’t it?

Whoa.

It hurts. Oh, my God.

Now, he’s gonna say all kinds of things Now, he’s gonna say all kinds of things

to try and get you to set him free,

but best thing you can do for him is just ignore it.

But best thing you can do for him is just ignore it.

Maybe when he’s dried out, you can meet him.

Yeah? That’s great. Yeah? That’s great.

She’s right. Let’s leave him alone.

Yeah. Thank you so much.

You guys have been such a help. You guys have been such a help.

He’s really gonna appreciate it, okay?

Okay, great.

Okay, I’ll tell... Bye.

Okay, bye. Bye. Okay, bye. Bye.

I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.

You bet it won’t, You bet it won’t,

’cause you’re gonna be locked up!

Stop that!

What? This? What? This?

Hey, you’re gonna lose my place.

My lawyers are gonna work night and day My lawyers are gonna work night and day

to make sure you’re locked in a very small cell with a very big woman!

Don’t touch that! Don’t touch that!

Then get the idiot who has the keys!

Alex? Alex?

I tried to talk to him.

I tried to be nice, but he’s a dick. I tried to be nice, but he’s a dick.

What are you doing?

I’m going in there.

Bre, please don’t make it worse. Bre, please don’t make it worse.

Don’t worry, Alex. It can’t get any worse.

Who the hell are you?

My best friend Alex, My best friend Alex,

the nicest person I know,

is downstairs crying,

and it’s your fault. And it’s your fault.

Oh, I’m sorry.

I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning,

but it’s kind of hard not to when you’re handcuffed to it!

But it’s kind of hard not to when you’re handcuffed to it!

You were pretty drunk last night.

I don’t know if you remember, I don’t know if you remember,

but I wanted to leave you there.

But Alex insisted we take you home for your own safety.

But Alex insisted we take you home for your own safety.

Oh, okay. I’ll make sure to put in a good word in the courts for her.

Oh, okay. I’ll make sure to put in a good word in the courts for her.

Leave her out of it.

You want to know something? You want to know something?

I handcuffed you.

Want to know something else?

I’m not gonna take ’em off until you apologize to Alex.

I’m not gonna take ’em off until you apologize to Alex.

Apologize?!

Apologize for what?! Apologize for what?!

You and your friends are in serious trouble!

And you want to know something? And you want to know something?

Right now, my manager’s on the phone to the cops,

and there’s gonna be thousands of them looking for me.

And there’s gonna be thousands of them looking for me.

And if I know Red, he’s not gonna rest until I’m found!

Police?

Oh, no. There’s no need for that.

He’s dead. I saw him get behind the wheel of the car myself

He’s dead. I saw him get behind the wheel of the car myself

with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in his hand. With a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in his hand.

I tried to stop him, but, uh, well, you know rock stars.

It’s their lifestyle. It’s their lifestyle.

Yeah, live fast and die young.

Mm-hmm. It breaks my heart, Mm-hmm. It breaks my heart,

but, uh, well, at least his music will live forever.

But, uh, well, at least his music will live forever.

In fact, we’re releasing a new recording next week,

the bathroom tapes. The bathroom tapes.

Yeah.

Well, it’s Jamie singing in the shower.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, write it any way you want it!

But remember,

as far as I’m concerned, he’s dead. As far as I’m concerned, he’s dead.

You know, everyone said mace, You know, everyone said mace,

but I think this was the wiser buy.

Oh, God, Bre, you didn’t. Oh, God, Bre, you didn’t.

Don’t worry. I think the batteries are running low.

I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you.

You wanted to talk to him.

I think he’s ready to listen.

Just make sure you speak slowly,

and... and make sure you’re grounded before you touch him.

And... and make sure you’re grounded before you touch him.

I’m coming in. I’m coming in.

I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.

Uh, Bre can be kind of rough. Uh, Bre can be kind of rough.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Alex, honey? My hair dryer’s on the fritz. Alex, honey? My hair dryer’s on the fritz.

Can I borrow yours?

I just took a shower, I just took a shower,

and I’m all wet.

I see that.

Here’s the dryer. Here’s the dryer.

Thanks, hon.

Try not to electrocute yourself.

Hi. I’m Miranda. Hi. I’m Miranda.

Hello, Miranda.

I hope we’ll be seeing more of you.

Miranda, go blow yourself. Miranda, go blow yourself.

Well, bye.

Oops! Hello. Oops! Hello.

Goodbye.

I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry about that.

God, you probably think I’m a nut,

but as soon as we find those keys, you can get out of here.

But as soon as we find those keys, you can get out of here.

I promise.

Oh. Oh.

I don’t always bury two bottles of J.D. in one evening,

and I was pretty drunk, and I was pretty drunk,

and maybe I shouldn’t have been driving. And maybe I shouldn’t have been driving.

I don’t know.

Maybe you did the right thing.

I did? I did?

Well, except for the handcuffs.

So come here. I want to ask you something.

So what’s with this, like, whole cousin arrangement thing?

So what’s with this, like, whole cousin arrangement thing?

Are we, like, first cousins or second cousins?

Are we, like, first cousins or second cousins?

Second cousins... Second cousins...

twice removed?

I-I’m sorry. I, uh...

I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

I’m really sorry.

Great.

So am I. So am I.

Just think, son, Just think, son,

someday all this will be yours.

I appreciate the gesture, Dad, I appreciate the gesture, Dad,

but I don’t think I’ll have...

any use for these.

Maybe we can donate them to a museum or something.

.357 Magnum. .357 Magnum.

Not only will it blow a good-sized hole in your target,

but it’s also good for bludgeoning. But it’s also good for bludgeoning.

You know, I think all this hidden aggression

is a result of bad nutrition. Is a result of bad nutrition.

Have another oat-bran bar.

Son, if I eat another one of those sticks and twigs,

Son, if I eat another one of those sticks and twigs,

I am gonna shit a nest.

Here. Make yourself useful. Here. Make yourself useful.

Hey, look! It’s a gopher! Hey, look! It’s a gopher!

Where?

Dad! Dad!

It was only just... just a gopher!

Just a gopher? Just a gopher?

Just a gopher?

Hey, what good are they, anyway?

They just dig up your backyard They just dig up your backyard

and leave little poop pellets laying around.

Now, if you could train ’em to attack... Now, if you could train ’em to attack...

I’m sorry, but I just can’t be around you right now.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t be around you right now.

Nami arangai Nami arangai

Nami arangai Nami arangai

Nami arangai...

Oh, God, when I think of the great times Oh, God, when I think of the great times

I could have had in Las Vegas

on the money I spent on your tuition! On the money I spent on your tuition!

Nami arangai Nami arangai

Nami arangai

Oh, my God.

I want to hear this. Come on.

We’ll talk while we walk. We’ll talk while we walk.

I can’t leave!

We’re gonna have to.

We gotta go to my car. Why?

We have to find the key. We have to find the key.

Don’t worry. He’s not going anywhere.

And then he kissed me. And then he kissed me.

Open or closed mouth?

I am not even gonna answer that.

Oh, you cheap slut! Bre! Oh, you cheap slut! Bre!

I leave you alone for a couple of minutes,

and you’re wearing your skirt like a turban.

And you’re wearing your skirt like a turban.

We didn’t even do anything.

What?

Well, I was so nervous. Well, I was so nervous.

And then I just kept seeing all his groupies,

and I don’t want to be another bimbo, Bre. And I don’t want to be another bimbo, Bre.

And then I saw my unfinished project.

I changed my mind.

I don’t want to hear this.

Well, if it isn’t beauty and the beast. Well, if it isn’t beauty and the beast.

Well, well, if it isn’t Humpty Dumped.

Chet, I’m in a hurry.

Then I’ll be brief. Then I’ll be brief.

My fraternity is throwing a little wine and cheese soirée,

My fraternity is throwing a little wine and cheese soirée,

and I thought you might like to come.

Thanks, Chet, but I’m really busy.

Well, you know what they say. Well, you know what they say.

All work and no play makes Alex a dull girl.

Ah, a critique on boredom from the man who invented it.

Ah, a critique on boredom from the man who invented it.

Just think about it. Oh, but remember, Just think about it. Oh, but remember,

there’s no pets allowed in the fraternity,

so you’ll have to stay at home, Bre. So you’ll have to stay at home, Bre.

Ciao.

You know, that extra chromosome

doesn’t seem to be bothering him one bit. Doesn’t seem to be bothering him one bit.

Hi. Hi.

You’re Mr. Jamie Z, aren’t you?

Who the hell are you?

Oh, someone who’s got something very special to share with you. Oh, someone who’s got something

very special to share with you. Oh, someone who’s got something very special to share with you.

What’s that for?

You... You...

have a lot of energy, Mr. Z,

but I think it’s misdirected,

so I wrote a song for your next album. So I wrote a song for your next album.

Want to hear it?

I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you.

Why did you handcuff Jamie Z to my bed?

I don’t know. I just... I don’t know. I just...

I saw you lying there,

and you... you looked so happy. And you... you looked so happy.

I just didn’t want it to end.

Life is full of tricksters Life is full of tricksters

And the Devil is the shrewdest

If you don’t mend your ways soon

You’re gonna die like Judas You’re gonna die like Judas

Two, three

Oh, that’s fine. Oh, that’s fine.

You can go now, okay?

Stop singing.

At the end of a rope in the bottomless pit At the end of a rope in the bottomless pit

Where the angels will laugh Where the angels will laugh

And the demons will spit

I know the key’s got to be in my car somewhere.

I know the key’s got to be in my car somewhere.

What are you doing with handcuffs in the first place?

What are you doing with handcuffs in the first place?

It came with the Taser gun.

Oh, no.

I’m a sinner

And I’ll sing it out loud And I’ll sing it out loud

From the deepest dark ocean

To the puffiest cloud! To the puffiest cloud!

Cloud! Stop!

Sara, stop! Come on! Come on!

Out of here. Enough. Just join in.

Make her stop! Make her stop!

Sinner, sinner, sinner, that’s what I am

Sara, the atheists are rallying near the library.

What? Why don’t you check it out? What? Why don’t you check it out?

My guitar!

I don’t have time for this crap.

Just get me out of here!

Hey, you need another lesson in manners from Mr. Taser?

Hey, you need another lesson in manners from Mr. Taser?

Bre. Okay.

I have a very tight schedule, I have a very tight schedule,

and I can’t afford to be here,

so take these cuffs off me, and I’ll leave. So take these cuffs off me, and I’ll leave.

Hey, I’m working on it. Stay still. Hey, I’m working on it. Stay still.

Why don’t you just use the key?

’Cause we don’t have it.

What?! She told me What?! She told me

if I apologized, she would unlock me,

and I did! and I did!

We had a deal.

Now she’s just trying to piss me off! Now she’s just trying to piss me off!

Was the kiss part of the deal?

Well, I’ll be down the hall if you guys need me.

Well, I’ll be down the hall if you guys need me.

Hey, you know, you’re a bright girl, Hey, you know, you’re a bright girl,

and you should... you should want something real.

And you should... you should want something real.

I always thought of

I almost told you I almost told you

I was right by you

I tried to hold you I tried to hold you

Oh, how I dreamed

And for a while, that was enough And for a while, that was enough

And I waited and waited for your touch And I waited and waited for your touch

I used to go to this coffee shop.

They had a singer there named James Zandenhoffer.

They had a singer there named James Zandenhoffer.

Ever hear of him?

No. No.

Well, he wrote beautiful songs,

and he sang them with such passion. And he sang them with such passion.

I always wanted to meet him,

but he kind of kept to himself. But he kind of kept to himself.

Maybe he was shy.

I went to hear him sing one day, I went to hear him sing one day,

and he was gone.

James, what happened to those songs? James, what happened to those songs?

Nothing. That was the problem.

Didn’t they mean something to you? Didn’t they mean something to you?

They were just songs.

Prove it. Prove it.

Play one for me.

What do you mean, he’s just disappeared?

What about Jimmy Hoffa? What about Jimmy Hoffa?

Nobody thinks he’s still alive.

I’m telling you, it’s going to be another Graceland.

I’m telling you, it’s going to be another Graceland.

Just go ahead and build the damn ticket booth.

Trust me. He’s not going to come back and complain.

Trust me. He’s not going to come back and complain.

Red, the video station you wanted is on line two.

Red, the video station you wanted is on line two.

Christ.

Okay, I got the promo, Okay, I got the promo,

and it’s all wrong.

It’s not "find Jamie Z."

It’s "find Jamie Z’s body." It’s "find Jamie Z’s body."

Well, it may be semantics to you,

but I don’t want to fill a million but I don’t want to fill a million

hysterical girls with false hope. Now get it right!

I’ll be right with you, Jamie. I’ll be right with you, Jamie.

And another thing!

Jamie!

Uh, Jamie. Uh, Jamie.

J-a-m-i-e. Uh, get the spelling.

Thank you.

Jamie?

Red, I’m sorry I missed the photo session, Red, I’m sorry I missed the photo session,

but I’ve got a really good excuse.

I know you’d be mad, but I was kidnapped, Red.

I know you’d be mad, but I was kidnapped, Red.

Kidnapped?

And don’t be pissed,

but your car, it’s totaled. But your car, it’s totaled.

The brakes went out, and I hit this tree. The brakes went out, and I hit this tree.

And I would have called you,

but I was in this sorority. But I was in this sorority.

It’s kind of hard to explain.

Did anybody see you come in here?

Sit down. Sit down.

So, you okay?

Did you rest? You look great. Did you rest? You look great.

Kid, you gotta go back.

What?

Now hear me out. Now hear me out.

Now, this sorority, they’re the only ones

you had contact with? Yeah.

Great! Now, you told me Great! Now, you told me

you needed a vacation, right?

Well, now is the time for a vacation. Well, now is the time for a vacation.

Well, what about our tour?

The tour can wait. The tour can wait.

Now, Jamie, you’re having an image crisis. Now, Jamie, you’re having an image crisis.

Now, you don’t know what one is,

because you haven’t been a manager for 15 years,

but, believe me, you’re having one. But, believe me, you’re having one.

The best thing for you to do is to go back to that place

and to stay out of sight until I call you. And to stay out of sight until I call you.

I don’t think so, Red.

Hey, hey, hey.

Have I ever lied to you? Have I ever lied to you?

Now go out the way you came in, and, uh... Now go out the way you came in, and, uh...

take this. Take these. Take this. Take these.

Now don’t talk to anybody,

and stay in that place until I call you. And stay in that place until I call you.

It’s great to see you again, kid.

Now get the hell out of here. Now get the hell out of here.

Hello. Mr. Ferret. Hello. Mr. Ferret.

A dead rock-and-roll star just walked into my office.

A dead rock-and-roll star just walked into my office.

You want to explain how that’s possible, Earl?!

I was going to tell you about that, Mr. Ferret,

I was going to tell you about that, Mr. Ferret,

but you said you didn’t want to hear from us.

But you said you didn’t want to hear from us.

Heh. I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry.

I am worried.

You told me you were professionals! You told me you were professionals!

Well, now, you did tell us not to call you.

Call me next time! Call me next time!

Okay, okay. It’s taken care of.

Just tell us where he’s at. Just tell us where he’s at.

Mr. Ferret?

Mr. Ferret? Mr. Ferret?

You do know where he’s at, don’t you?

Oh, damn. Oh, damn.

Ah, for crying out loud. Ah, for crying out loud.

When I say bury, I mean bury.

You have to talk to me sooner or later. You have to talk to me sooner or later.

Come on, Alex.

It was fun while it lasted.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

Hi. Is Alex here? Hi. Is Alex here?

Alex!

I’m busy! I’m busy!

I’m sorry, you mega-rock star, Jamie Z!

Alex is too busy making dollhouses right now!

Alex is too busy making dollhouses right now!

Hi, cuz.

I been in love I been in love

A few times before

Even though it ends up breaking my heart Even though it ends up breaking my heart

I come back for more I come back for more

And when I met you

I felt it right away, yeah I felt it right away, yeah

That we had something, you and me, boy That we had something, you and me, boy

That would stay and stay That would stay and stay

It’s getting stronger every minute

Pushing all the limits Pushing all the limits

And nothing’s gonna chill it

Between me and you Between me and you

It’s getting stronger every minute It’s getting stronger every minute

That magic feeling’s in it That magic feeling’s in it

We just can’t stop and quit it

Between me and you Between me and you

Stronger every minute

Mm, mm, hmm, mm Mm, mm, hmm, mm

It’s hard to hold back It’s hard to hold back

When you come near

And my heart starts a-pounding when you smile

It’s perfectly clear It’s perfectly clear

Someday soon

You’ll stay with me

You’ll be making me the happiest girl You’ll be making me the happiest girl

That I ever could be That I ever could be

It’s getting stronger every minute

Pushing all the limits Pushing all the limits

Nothing’s gonna chill it Nothing’s gonna chill it

Between me and you

It’s getting stronger every minute It’s getting stronger every minute

That magic feeling’s in it That magic feeling’s in it

We just can’t stop and quit it

Between me and you Between me and you

Stronger every minute Stronger every minute

Mm, mm, hmm

I want to love you, baby

All night long All night long

When I’m holding you in my arms When I’m holding you in my arms

The passion burns so strong The passion burns so strong

Getting stronger every minute Getting stronger every minute

Pushing all the limits

And nothing’s gonna chill it And nothing’s gonna chill it

Between me and you Between me and you

It’s getting stronger every minute

That magic feeling’s in it That magic feeling’s in it

We just can’t stop and quit it We just can’t stop and quit it

Between me and you

Stronger every minute Stronger every minute

Between me and you, boy...

You know, when you asked me if I wanted to do an all-nighter,

You know, when you asked me if I wanted to do an all-nighter,

this isn’t what I had in mind.

It’s only 4:30 in the morning.

Here. Put your finger there. Here. Put your finger there.

The glue’s gonna drip. Right... ah-ah.

How’d you get interested in a thing like this, anyway?

How’d you get interested in a thing like this, anyway?

It’s part of my major.

If I get an "A" in this class,

I get to go to Europe. I get to go to Europe.

What’s in Europe?

Michelangelo, Monet, Van Gogh. Michelangelo, Monet, Van Gogh.

Aren’t those guys dead?

Their paintings.

I was kidding. I was kidding.

What’s this have to do with architecture?

Nothing. Nothing.

I don’t get it, Alex.

Look, if I told you I wanted to be an artist,

Look, if I told you I wanted to be an artist,

you’d probably say I couldn’t make a living at it,

which is exactly what everybody else says, which is exactly what everybody else says,

and, uh, that’s exactly how I ended up

in this major in the first place, so, uh... in this major in the first place, so, uh...

I’d just rather not be reminded of that tonight, okay?

I have a lot of work to do, I have a lot of work to do,

and that has to dry.

Okay, okay.

I’ll see you later tonight. I’ll see you later tonight.

Sir, what are we doing here? Sir, what are we doing here?

It’s 5:00 in the morning.

I have finals tomorrow.

We are upholding a tradition as old as this school itself.

We are upholding a tradition as old as this school itself.

A panty raid?

Are you questioning the orders Are you questioning the orders

of an upperclassman, pledge?

No, sir.

I think you lack in discipline, pledge! I think you lack in discipline, pledge!

No, sir! No more paddle.

Bend over.

What the hell?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, Alex.

Oh, Alex, baby. Oh, Alex, baby.

Alex?

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

God.

Ow! Ow!

What the hell are you doing in Alex’s bed?

What the hell are you doing grabbing my ass?

Sir, we gotta get out of here! Sir, we gotta get out of here!

Meet me back at the house!

You’ve got a lot of explaining to do.

Hey, kid, why don’t you just run off Hey, kid, why don’t you just run off

with Skippy and Chip before you hurt yourself?

That’s Fitz and Digger.

Oh, wait a minute. Oh, wait a minute.

I know who you are.

You’re that obnoxious rock star. You’re that obnoxious rock star.

Well, I think your music is puerile.

You can tell me what that means later! You can tell me what that means later!

Oh, so it’s fisticuffs you want, huh?

Well, I think it’s only fair to warn you. Well, I think it’s only fair to warn you.

What? You’re an expert in tae kwon do?

No! I fight dirty! No! I fight dirty!

I think you need a haircut! I think you need a haircut!

Yeah, right!

Chet! What are you doing? What am I doing? Chet! What are you doing? What am I doing?

What’s wrong with you? I mean, look at my room!

I think I need some medical attention! I think I need some medical attention!

What?

Is this some kind of hotel room

that you can just come in and trash?

Alex, you... Alex, you...

I think I’m gonna be sick!

Alex, let me explain. I gotta talk to you, okay?

What about me?

Chet, hold on. Come...

Let me alone, Alex. Let me alone, Alex.

The thing that worries me

is how your mother’s gonna take this.

I mean, were you fornicating I mean, were you fornicating

with that long-haired ruffian sociopath?

Chet, you’ve gotta promise not to say anything.

Chet, you’ve gotta promise not to say anything.

Why should I do that?

I mean, what possible gain is there in it for me?

Chet, Chet, please? Chet, Chet, please?

If you care about me at all, just promise me.

If you care about me at all, just promise me.

Okay, Alex,

but you’re gonna owe me one. But you’re gonna owe me one.

Please sign this.

Gee, thanks, Chet. Gee, thanks, Chet.

This means a lot to me.

And date it. And date it.

You owe me one favor. You owe me one favor.

You know, that little party’s coming up, You know, that little party’s coming up,

and if you weren’t there,

you’d be sorely missed.

I mean, it’s okay, Alex,

because I think you’ll find that our little shindig

because I think you’ll find that our little shindig

can get, well, pretty damn wild.

What do you want? What do you want?

I heard the noise.

Are you okay?

Fine.

Your hand’s bleeding. Your hand’s bleeding.

I’m okay.

Let me see.

I know first aid. I know first aid.

I don’t know. This could be serious.

Really, I’m okay. Really, I’m okay.

You need someone to take care of you.

Hey, Alex is gonna be back any second. Hey, Alex is gonna be back any second.

I don’t think so.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

She left with Chet.

Usually that means that she’ll be gone all night.

Usually that means that she’ll be gone all night.

Who’s Chet?

The guy you hit, her boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Maybe that’s the wrong word. Maybe that’s the wrong word.

I mean, they’re practically engaged.

Miranda. Miranda.

Jamie?

Jamie. Jamie, just forget about her. Jamie. Jamie, just forget about her.

Alex?

Alex, wait a minute. Jamie.

Alex. Alex, wait.

Alex.

Alex. Alex, wait!

Why? You obviously couldn’t! Why? You obviously couldn’t!

Jesus, Alex. Miranda?

Give me the benefit of the doubt.

Hey, give me a break! Hey, give me a break!

Nothing happened!

I’m telling you the truth! I’m telling you the truth!

Don’t. You’re a better liar.

I’m not lying.

Why? You lie to the world. Why? You lie to the world.

You lie to yourself. Why not me?

It’s just a matter of time.

That’s not fair.

No, no. This isn’t fair! No, no. This isn’t fair!

Now I want you to leave!

What about Chet? I want you to leave!

Why don’t you tell me about Chet? Why don’t you tell me about Chet?

Maybe I don’t want to tell you about Chet!

Now will you please leave?

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

I don’t even know why you bother carrying a gun.

I don’t even know why you bother carrying a gun.

All you have to do is feed your victims a couple of those things,

and the red meat alone will kill ’em. And the red meat alone will kill ’em.

Why you got a rock tied around your neck? Why you got a rock tied around your neck?

For the last time, it’s not a rock. For the last time, it’s not a rock.

It’s a crystal,

and it drains the impurities out of my aura.

And it drains the impurities out of my aura.

Well, that’s not all it’s draining. Well, that’s not all it’s draining.

Hello.

Mr. Ferret. Mr. Ferret.

Yeah. Yeah.

No, no, trust me.

It’s done. It’s done.

Trust you?

I am holding a certain piece of paper in my hand

I am holding a certain piece of paper in my hand

that still hasn’t been signed.

You want to explain that one to me, Earl? You want to explain that one to me, Earl?

I’ll tell you what.

I want proof this time.

You pick Jamie up, and I’ll meet you somewhere.

You pick Jamie up, and I’ll meet you somewhere.

Okay. I... I know just the place,

Indian Jim’s on the corner of First and Third.

Indian Jim’s on the corner of First and Third.

You can’t miss it.

It’s got a big neon totem pole on top of the roof.

It’s got a big neon totem pole on top of the roof.

All right. You had better not screw this up.

All right. You had better not screw this up.

Why are we going back there? Why are we going back there?

I got a score to settle.

Dad. Dad.

Son, shut up!

Bre. Bre.

Hello. This is Bre.

I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m fluffing my cat.

I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m fluffing my cat.

My tickets to Jamie Z’s concert got canceled.

That’s ’cause the dude’s dead, man, but don’t be bummed.

That’s ’cause the dude’s dead, man, but don’t be bummed.

You can win a totally rad rock-and-roll vacation out of this.

No way! Yeah way.

All you gotta do is find the guy’s body. All you gotta do is find the guy’s body.

Gross! What if it’s all skanked out and decayed?

What’s one gnarly corpse compared to a shipload of bodacious babes?

What’s one gnarly corpse compared to a shipload of bodacious babes?

Excellent. What are we waiting for?

Hey, what are you waiting for?

Jamie Z is out there somewhere, Jamie Z is out there somewhere,

and it’s up to you to find him.

And win a fabulous rock-and-roll vacation for two.

And win a fabulous rock-and-roll vacation for two.

Call today, 555-2212.

That’s 555-DEAD. That’s 555-DEAD.

Hello. You have reached the Jamie Z hotline.

Hello. You have reached the Jamie Z hotline.

All of our operators are busy now, All of our operators are busy now,

but if you will leave your name

and where you spotted Jamie Z, we’ll get right back to you.

And where you spotted Jamie Z, we’ll get right back to you.

Yeah, I think I’m the winner. Yeah, I think I’m the winner.

My name is Chester Lewis LeGros IV. My name is Chester Lewis LeGros IV.

I saw him last night, and he wasn’t dead.

He was attacking my fiancée, so I had to clean his clock.

He was attacking my fiancée, so I had to clean his clock.

I mean, he’s probably still licking his wounds

at the Gamma Delta house. At the Gamma Delta house.

Pick me up.

My address is 6... My address is 6...

Hello. This is Bre. Hello. This is Bre.

I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m fluffing my cat.

Please leave a message, and I’ll ignore your call later.

Please leave a message, and I’ll ignore your call later.

Bre. Pick up.

Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone.

This is the 12th time I called.

It’s really important.

I... I told you I caught Jamie with Miranda,

I... I told you I caught Jamie with Miranda,

and, well, I just thought maybe you...

Oh, forget it. Oh, forget it.

Alex, I’m really sorry. Alex, I’m really sorry.

You gotta let me explain.

Shit. Alex... Shit. Alex...

Bitch!

Asshole!

Let me explain.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Yeah?

Red sent us.

Give me a second, okay?

Wait a minute.

How the hell’d you find me?

I didn’t tell Red where I was.

Whoa. We are going for a ride. Whoa. We are going for a ride.

Okay. Reality check. Okay. Reality check.

Ow! Oh, God, this is for real.

Hey, Dad, do you know what happened to my nondairy rice drink,

Hey, Dad, do you know what happened to my nondairy rice drink,

or did you throw it out?

Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t do anything stupid.

This has been a real lousy day.

Alex, I’m gonna kill you! Alex, I’m gonna kill you!

Alex! Alex!

Alex, thank God! Alex, thank God!

Come on!

Alex, Jamie!

I told him to leave. I told him to leave.

Alex, I don’t have time to explain. He just...

Jamie was just kidnapped by two guns at goonpoint!

Jamie was just kidnapped by two guns at goonpoint!

What?

I mean two goons at gunpoint.

Did he put you up to this? Did he put you up to this?

What? It’s not gonna work.

Come on!

I couldn’t help overhearing.

What can I do to help? What can I do to help?

You can get your boobs out of my face!

Alex, I feel terrible. Alex, I feel terrible.

I told Jamie that Chet was your boyfriend.

It’s all my fault. Let me help. It’s all my fault. Let me help.

Alex, let’s go.

Sara, you’ve got a car, don’t you? Sara, you’ve got a car, don’t you?

Yeah. Why?

Come on. Come on.

Red!

Don’t you people ever sleep?

We got a really big problem. We got a really big problem.

The European promoters, they called.

They want all their money back for all the canceled dates.

They want all their money back for all the canceled dates.

What? Red, babe!

Look, I gotta have your ear for a minute.

Call me tomorrow, Ruby!

The studio gave Jamie a $5 million advance on his next picture!

The studio gave Jamie a $5 million advance on his next picture!

But they say we gotta make it good now! But they say we gotta make it good now!

But he’s disappeared!

That falls under the act of God clause!

God? These lawyers don’t believe in God!

Red! Red! The IRS called! Red! Red! The IRS called!

The IRS?

It don’t look good, man!

Uh, where do you want this? Uh, where do you want this?

Oh, my God.

What did I do?

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Get out of the way! Move! Move!

Red! Red! Red! Red!

We gotta talk about the IRS, though! We gotta talk about the IRS, though!

Red! Red!

So in essence, what you’re saying So in essence, what you’re saying

is by acting out your aggressions onstage,

you’re able to maintain a peaceful equilibrium offstage?

You’re able to maintain a peaceful equilibrium offstage?

That’s beautiful, man. That’s beautiful, man.

Son, come here.

Don’t talk to the victim. Don’t talk to the victim.

Bre, is that them? Bre, is that them?

I think so.

What are we gonna do if we catch them?

They’ve got guns.

I’m driving. You think of a plan. I’m driving. You think of a plan.

It better not involve the sheepskin.

Can’t you go any faster than this? Can’t you go any faster than this?

We’re going the speed limit.

In fact, I think we’re going a couple miles above it.

In fact, I think we’re going a couple miles above it.

Besides, he’s in God’s hands.

Sara, we’re losing them.

Well, maybe now would be a good time to pray.

Well, maybe now would be a good time to pray.

Sara, you step on the gas. Sara, you step on the gas.

I’ll go to your prayer meetings for a week.

Really? Really?

You will?

Oh, that’s great!

Every time I ask someone, they’re always too busy.

Every time I ask someone, they’re always too busy.

Gosh, Miranda, that’s wonderful. Gosh, Miranda, that’s wonderful.

Wasn’t that Sara’s car? Wasn’t that Sara’s car?

And we have a Christian fellowship camping trip,

and... and we sing songs by campfire, and... and we sing songs by campfire,

and we roast marshmallows,

and some of the kids put on biblical puppet shows

and some of the kids put on biblical puppet shows

a-and skits.

Say, you’d make a great Mary Magdalene. Say, you’d make a great Mary Magdalene.

Hey, I think that’s their car!

Goddamn woman drivers.

You know, Dad, most surveys show

that women drivers are actually better drivers.

That women drivers are actually better drivers.

What are you doing?

W-What is this with the gun? W-What is this with the gun?

If you ain’t gonna point it at someone, what good is it, huh?

How many times I gotta tell you?

I’m just uncomfortable holding the gun. I’m just uncomfortable holding the gun.

Can we at least take the bullets out?

I mean, I think it’d make everything I mean, I think it’d make everything

much more comfortable around here.

Wouldn’t you feel more comfortable?

There’s a lot of stress in this car.

Then why don’t you shove that crystal up your ass?

Then why don’t you shove that crystal up your ass?

Dad!

Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, I think we’re being followed.

Hold on.

You know what’s a lot of fun? You know what’s a lot of fun?

Oh, pancake breakfasts.

We made the pancakes

into the shapes of the 12 apostles. Into the shapes of the 12 apostles.

Sara, they’re turning around!

And if you can eat all 12 apostles... And if you can eat all 12 apostles...

Sara!

I know. It’s really exciting.

I mean really exciting. I mean really exciting.

So, Alex, how’s that plan coming?

Why don’t we call the police?

Sure. Call the police using my car phone. Sure. Call the police using my car phone.

What are you thinking?!

You don’t even know why they’re following us.

You don’t even know why they’re following us.

Now, why wouldn’t... why don’t we just pull over

and talk this thing out?

Give me that. Give me that.

They’re shooting at us! What do we do?! They’re shooting at us! What do we do?!

I don’t know! I guess I missed that day in driver’s ed!

And then there’s the lawn darts tournament. And then there’s the lawn darts tournament.

Oh!

Sara, turn here. We can catch them easier.

What’s that I smell?

This car overheating? This car overheating?

Relax. Just burning a little incense here.

Thought it might lighten the mood a little bit.

Thought it might lighten the mood a little bit.

It’s autumn dewy morning. Do you like it?

Yeah, right. Dump it! Yeah, right. Dump it!

Damn stuff’s in my eyes.

I can’t even see where I’m going. I can’t even see where I’m going.

What the heck’s the matter with you?

And Peter said if the Devil is so smart, And Peter said if the Devil is so smart,

what’s he doing in hell? What’s he doing in hell?

Sara!

God damn! Hold on!

Wait! I have a plan! Turn around!

Honk if you love Jesus.

Hold on. They’re trying something. Hold on. They’re trying something.

Hi, boys!

Sweet mother-of-pearl. Sweet mother-of-pearl.

Dad, look out!

Huh? Ahh! Huh? Ahh!

Sara, where you going? Sara, where you going?

Wow, that was fun!

But you know what’s gonna be even more fun? But you know what’s gonna be even more fun?

When we get to my church.

You’re really gonna love Deacon Marjeaux.

He’s got a gentle way about him. He’s got a gentle way about him.

Oh, my God, It’s Jamie. Stop!

What are you gonna do, Alex?

Jamie... They have guns! Jamie... They have guns!

Bre, will you stop?

Alex, look, look. Here’s Indian Jim’s.

We’ll stop. We’ll call the police. We’ll stop. We’ll call the police.

Is he gonna be open?

You’re such a pessimist!

Oh, hello, pretty ladies. Oh, hello, pretty ladies.

Nice to be seeing you again.

I need to use your phone!

Oh, but I’m sorry. It’s not working. Oh, but I’m sorry. It’s not working.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

For starters, you can all get over by the bar.

For starters, you can all get over by the bar.

Don’t even think of going underneath the bar, uh, Tonto,

or I will blow you back to Egypt! Or I will blow you back to Egypt!

India.

Aw, whatever. Come on! Get you...

Jamie.

Hey, kid, get over there. Hey, kid, get over there.

Come on!

Jamie, I’m so sorry.

So am I. So am I.

Perhaps I can explain to you the gravity of your action.

In my country, committing such an offense, In my country, committing such an offense,

they’ll cut off your left testicles.

Good thing we’re in America. Good thing we’re in America.

Get my toolbox.

What do you need a toolbox for? What do you need a toolbox for?

The right tool for the right job.

Eh, .22? Eh, .22?

Yeah, yeah.

Good gun for a beginner.

Not too much of a kick. Here. Not too much of a kick. Here.

W-Wait, wait. What do I need a gun for?

Well, these guys aren’t gonna drop dead on their own, you know.

Well, these guys aren’t gonna drop dead on their own, you know.

No. No, no, no. Dad, it’s okay to talk about these things,

but think about what you’re doing. But think about what you’re doing.

This is murder!

Yeah? So it put you through college, Yeah? So it put you through college,

and I didn’t hear you complain then.

No, no, no. We can’t kill these people. No, no, no. We can’t kill these people.

Sure, I can. That’s my job.

I’ll take out the first two,

and you jump in anytime you’re ready.

No! No! No! No!

I have to protest this.

Hey, it’s okay to be nervous.

I was my first time. I was my first time.

Look, I’ll tell you what.

I’ll walk you through it, okay?

This is your weapon. This is your weapon.

You want to make sure that it’s loaded.

I hope you’re planning on paying for that. I hope you’re planning on paying for that.

And you want to make sure

that your victims are detained, which they are.

That your victims are detained, which they are.

Don’t listen to him!

Think about what you’re doing!

Think about jail!

Think about a number between 1 and 10! Think about a number between 1 and 10!

What? What? What?

I’m not good under pressure!

Hey, ignore the pleas and cries of the victims, okay?

Hey, ignore the pleas and cries of the victims, okay?

They’re only trying to make you change...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dad, Dad, Dad! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dad, Dad, Dad!

Would you listen to me for once?

I don’t want to do this!

This is my life! This is my life!

Hey, I’m trying to teach you a trade here!

What’d you major in, aromatherapy? What’d you major in, aromatherapy?

What kind of crap is that?

What are you gonna do with that, huh?

Hey, don’t you think this has something to do with life?

Hey, don’t you think this has something to do with life?

Yeah! Yeah, your life!

It’s always been you, you, you! It’s always been you, you, you!

Oh.

I don’t want...

Enough is enough. Enough is enough.

Look, look, we can walk out this door right now

and pretend this never happened. And pretend this never happened.

Door. Yeah, that reminds me.

That’s the most important thing.

You gotta always remember to lock the door. You gotta always remember to lock the door.

That way, some stupid jerk...

Jeez! God Almighty! What the...

Oh, my God.

All right, stick ’em up!

I mean put your hands... I mean put your hands...

Oh, you know what I mean!

All right. Everybody... All right. Everybody...

j-just remain calm, all right?

Aw, come on. Aw, come on.

Little gal like you gonna...

with a big gun like that?

What are you gonna do, shoot me?

Yes, I think. Yes, I think.

I don’t. Give it here.

No! Now, look,

if you’re gonna start shooting people, if you’re gonna start shooting people,

you just better begin with me!

But remember, if you do this, But remember, if you do this,

you’re gonna spend the next seven lifetimes

as a mollusk! as a mollusk!

Ah, sorry, son, but this is business.

Dad! Dad!

Oh, I’m so embarrassed.

Gunned down by a girl. Gunned down by a girl.

Oh, this’ll ruin me in the business.

Ohh. Ohh.

Ah, you couldn’t care less.

Ah, that’s not true.

You’re my dad, and I love you. You’re my dad, and I love you.

I just don’t have the same sort of passion you do

for this line of work. For this line of work.

Maybe it just skips a generation, huh?

Uhh! Give me that!

No. No, no, no. No, no.

You don’t need this anymore. You don’t need this anymore.

Thank God I made it in time! Thank God I made it in time!

Jamie, you okay?

You are damn lucky

your Uncle Red looks out for you.

Hang on, missy. Jamie and I Hang on, missy. Jamie and I

have some business to take care of.

Later, Red. This can’t wait!

Now, the European tour is starting up pronto,

Now, the European tour is starting up pronto,

so I need you to sign this new contract right away.

What’s this?

Th-That’s nothing. Th-That’s nothing.

Death certificate?

Now hold on, Jamie.

I’ve had that thing for years.

I mean, I got it in Vegas. I mean, I got it in Vegas.

I-It’s a novelty, a gag,

you know, like, uh, plastic dog poop. You know, like, uh, plastic dog poop.

Now come on, kid!

Don’t I always look out for you? Don’t I always look out for you?

Nah, I think it’s about time I start looking out for myself.

What the hell is this supposed to mean?

Read it.

It means Jamie Z is dead. It means Jamie Z is dead.

Oh, come on, kid. Don’t be like that!

Jamie!

The name’s James Zandenhoffer. The name’s James Zandenhoffer.

Hey, you and me got a contract, kid! Hey, you and me got a contract, kid!

Jamie! Jamie! Jamie! Jamie!

James?

Never had anyone save my life before.

Most guys I know just have trouble regulating their breathing.

Most guys I know just have trouble regulating their breathing.

I was just an extension of the cosmic will,

but... heh heh... thank you.

Hey, Alex. I’m gonna hang for a second, Hey, Alex. I’m gonna hang for a second,

but I’ll be over later to borrow some books I never bought.

But I’ll be over later to borrow some books I never bought.

You’re gonna study?

What? You think you’re always gonna be

the smartest person I know? The smartest person I know?

See you later.

Oh, um, here’s my address.

Uh, great. Uh, great.

I’ll write you from Colorado.

Colorado?

Yeah. Th-That’s where we’re going. Yeah. Th-That’s where we’re going.

Hey, have you ever heard

of the Church of the Enlightened Consciousness?

Oh, God.

Um, you know what? I never read my mail. Um, you know what? I never read my mail.

Maybe you should come over later.

You can teach me more about the cosmic will.

You can teach me more about the cosmic will.

Oh, sorry. Bye.

Oh, then you are the manager? Oh, then you are the manager?

I was.

Oh, yes. I’ve been looking for a person Oh, yes. I’ve been looking for a person

such as you for a very long time.

I was a number one act in India. I was a number one act in India.

You don’t say.

Oh, yes. My album,

"Top Brahman," led the charts... "Top Brahman," led the charts...

for the entire Year of the Mongoose. For the entire Year of the Mongoose.

Perhaps you’ve heard the single...

Bang bang

Bang

Bang

I like to party.

I rock.

I think it’ll lose something in the translation.

I think it’ll lose something in the translation.

Poppycock.

What about "La Bamba"? What about "La Bamba"?

You know, you got a point. You know, you got a point.

I mean, who knew what the hell that song was about?

And that was a number one hit.

And, say, isn’t Ritchie Valens dead? And, say, isn’t Ritchie Valens dead?

What’s your name? Jim. What’s your name? Jim.

That’s a great name.

Jim Morrison, Jim Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Jim Hendrix,

Jim Croce.

Hey, how do you feel about single-engine planes?

Hey, how do you feel about single-engine planes?

Oh, I love air travel very, very, very much.

Jim, I think this is going to be

the beginning and end of a beautiful friendship.

The beginning and end of a beautiful friendship.

So what you said to Red,

does that mean you’re gonna be sticking around for a while?

Does that mean you’re gonna be sticking around for a while?

Nah, I gotta go in the studio.

There’s a couple of songs I gotta record. There’s a couple of songs I gotta record.

New songs?

Nah, these ones are pretty old,

but I think it’s about time I gave ’em a shot.

But I think it’s about time I gave ’em a shot.

So, what about you? Off to Europe?

No. My... My project’s kind of destroyed. No. My... My project’s kind of destroyed.

Um, I think my chances for getting that scholarship are pretty shot.

I’m really sorry about that. I’m really sorry about that.

Don’t worry about it.

I... I was doing it for all the wrong reasons anyway.

I don’t want to be an architect. I don’t want to be an architect.

My mom’s an architect.

I’ll get to Europe someday.

Well, I’ve been to Europe four times in the last five years,

Well, I’ve been to Europe four times in the last five years,

and all I’ve seen is inside of a million hotel rooms.

And all I’ve seen is inside of a million hotel rooms.

Really?

Guess it’d be nice to experience it Guess it’d be nice to experience it

with someone who could appreciate it.

Yeah.

Like an artist.

What do you say?

What?

So would you like to come with me? So would you like to come with me?

Just for the summer.

It’d be nice to do something

for the right reasons for a change. For the right reasons for a change.

So, you know anything about managing?

I been in love I been in love

A few times before

Even though it ends up breaking my heart

I come back for more I come back for more

And when I met you And when I met you

I felt it right away, yeah

That we had something, you and me, boy That we had something, you and me, boy

That would stay and stay That would stay and stay

It’s getting stronger every minute

Pushing all the limits Pushing all the limits

And nothing’s gonna chill it And nothing’s gonna chill it

Between me and you

It’s getting stronger every minute It’s getting stronger every minute

That magic feeling’s in it That magic feeling’s in it

We just can’t stop and quit it

Between me and you Between me and you

Stronger every minute Stronger every minute

Mm, mm, hmm, mm

It’s hard to hold back It’s hard to hold back

When you come near When you come near

And my heart starts a-pounding when you smile

It’s perfectly clear It’s perfectly clear

Someday soon Someday soon

You’ll stay with me

You’ll be making me the happiest girl

That I ever could be That I ever could be

It’s getting stronger every minute It’s getting stronger every minute

Pushing all the limits

Nothing’s gonna chill it Nothing’s gonna chill it

Between me and you Between me and you

It’s getting stronger every minute

That magic feeling’s in it That magic feeling’s in it

We just can’t stop and quit it We just can’t stop and quit it

Between me and you

Stronger every minute Stronger every minute

Mm, mm, hmm

I want to love you, baby I want to love you, baby

All night long

When I’m holding you in my arms When I’m holding you in my arms

The passion burns so strong The passion burns so strong

Getting stronger every minute Getting stronger every minute

Pushing all the limits Pushing all the limits

And nothing’s gonna chill it

Between me and you Between me and you

It’s getting stronger every minute It’s getting stronger every minute

That magic feeling’s in it

We just can’t stop and quit it We just can’t stop and quit it

Between me and you