Original subtitles

Paradise.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, we got Wu -Tang on 12 -inch, yeah.

Forever.

36 chambers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Only built for Cuban links.

Mm -hmm.

Okay. Yeah, I'll save it for you.

Okay. See you.

Pick up the phone.

I know you're listening to me right now. Anyway, I'll be there later.

This is loan officer Banks from the office of PsyCon and Associates

your call.

My assistant was able to move my schedule around. I can squeeze you in

after lunch.

So I'll be expecting you. I'm feeling good first time in a long time. A lot of

thoughts in my mind of the scary cons.

I used to fear senior year would have been my prime, but I never graduated if

turned out fine.

Ow! Searching for something that I need to find. If I think about dying all the

time. Life's fucking hard, but I'm trying all the time. Damn, I'm on the

God's calling from the other lines.

But every time I pick up, I only hear the devil. I don't give a damn. I don't

want to settle. I just want to live a good life.

Die a good man like the bad motherfucker I am. I won't deny it.

I've been living my life.

Not above giving. Can't deny it.

You can say what you want, but that's my decision.

Deny it.

I've been living my life. Matter of forgiveness.

Deny it. I'm gonna be a bad motherfucker soon.

Yeah, stop kicking.

Stop kicking, y 'all.

Oh, what the fuck, T -Man? What you doing in here, man?

Nigga, what the fuck are you doing in here, nigga?

What are you talking about? I'm getting ready, bro. For what? Nigga, RuPaul's

Drag Show?

I don't understand why you ain't knock.

Coop, there's no fucking door.

What you talking about? God created wood and your knuckles for a motherfucking

reason. Use them. Just not. Just do me a favor. Just go work. Can you just go

work? Go organize yesterday's shipment, okay? Okay, nigga, shit.

Okay. Shit. Never had a family, but I had friends.

If we're talking real life, I guess that all depends.

I was thinking more Rachel and Monica.

Daydreams of living in Santa Monica. All I ever knew of family was television.

Cause mine was doing hard drugs and locked up in prison. I guess that's why

never made the same decision.

I haven't spoken to my mom in years. I heard she found religion.

I'm just playing life like Atari.

I was never perfect. I'm fucked up. I'm sorry. I'm human. My childhood was

fucked and it's looming over me. Every time I think about it, I know I

be here where I stand.

I just want to live a good life.

Die a good man.

Like the bad motherfucker I am.

Yo, why is this shit on TV? You know I hate the news, man.

It's always baby dies in car accident or geriatric man falls down a flight of

ninjas or something.

Bro, you depressing the shit out your boy right now.

Anyways, this shit came for you.

Final notice for what, nigga?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just this company let me know it's the last time I can buy in bulk at that

price or whatever. It's not a big deal.

I see.

Well, can we talk about that funny dance shit in the back, my nigga? What was

you doing dancing like that for anyway?

No, the real question is what the fuck was you doing?

Excuse me, sir. What the fuck was you doing all up in my shit?

You got to knock. And don't be upset. I dance how I dance. I dance like a bad

bitch. You know what I'm saying? I bust it open.

So why don't you get some manners, nigga?

Nah, nigga, what you need is some motherfucking dance lessons, my nigga,

your half -white side was for sure showing in the back, nigga. That shit

shining, my nigga.

And why you say nigga like you scared to say it, fool?

Remember, Coop, you a black man, nigga.

First of all, ow.

Second, you know, I'm bright -skinned.

What? You know, I'm incognito. What the fuck is incognito, Coop?

It's actually this.

Uh, phrase I coined for a nigga that looks white. Yeah, you right about that

shit, nigga. You do be looking white than a motherfucker, like Food Network

white -ass nigga, Ziploc bag clear -ass nigga.

You right about that shit, nigga.

Broccoli casserole looking ass. Look, okay, fuck you, all right? All I'm

is I can't be running around saying nigga all the time in front of a bunch

niggas that don't know I'm actually a nigga. My nigga, I'll get fucked up.

You right, nigga. You almost caught that. How you can... Right now, nigga.

lucky you my motherfucking cousin, too. And I still don't know how you came out

my auntie looking like she drank bleach at the bar for nine months, nigga. Hey,

guys. Happy Monday.

Oh, I'm sorry. You guys were talking about the N -word again.

I can see myself out.

It's all good. What's up, Taylor?

Okay, I'm sorry to be Mr.

Difficult here, but I'm going to need you to take care of that loose nail on

side of the front door walkway, man.

It's a freaking danger zone.

It's not a big deal. I'll get to it. Whatever.

It's straight.

Nigga, it'll take five minutes.

Why, thank you, T -Man. That shit's been there for three months, fool.

Somebody's going to call the police on you. What is this three -way situation,

okay? I do not consent right now, all right? Why are you all ganging up on me?

Chill out. So, yeah, you fellas want to hear what I got into this weekend?

Nope. Definitely not. Well, first I saw the new Astro Blaster movie.

Bro, why you always talking about that fantasy shit? That shit's whack as fuck,

tables. Okay, T -Man, you were just mad because you like sci -fi, and I happen

to find fantasy to be deeper than outer space.

Nah, nigga, fuck that shit.

Fifth Element, Valerian, my nigga, Doom with Timothy Chandelier, all that shit

poppin', nigga. But elves, hobbits, wizards, Yoda and them niggas, all that

gay as fuck, bro. Ooh, how can you say that?

What, niggas?

No. It only sound bad when fucking cops say it and coops ask.

Hey, fuck you, man. No, the other one.

What, hobbits? Of course not, the other one, the worst one.

What, table spit it out, fool? Okay, T -Man, you can't just be running around

saying gay, okay?

Hobbits are gay as fuck. Yo, why are you saying this shit all loud in front of

customers, man? Like, you can't, they're gonna think it's homophobic. Yeah,

because it is.

Well, I mean, not really, you know, I mean, faggot.

It's homophobic. But we don't be saying that shit. I don't say that shit.

Bro, why you lying to this motherfucker about that shit? You say faggot all the

time, fool. And I be saying that shit, too. Nigga, we say it together all the

time, nigga.

Like, but when we saying, we don't mean it like that, my nigga. Like, we just

talking shit, nigga. That's that hood shit.

You know, when I say hobbits are gay, nigga, I don't mean they're actually

fucking each other, cool? What the fuck are you doing, man?

That's not what makes them gay, bro.

Damn, come to think about it.

A lone niggly elf's best friend returns some jewelry?

That defines gay.

Whoa. They went to the ends of Mordor to save an entire realm.

It's a little gay, but mostly, it's just beautiful.

Boy, shut your high school musical looking ass up.

I'll take that as a compliment.

I don't know why you talking shit. You look like Olmec from Legends of the

Hidden Temple.

Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nickelodeon.

You didn't even have cable, Coop, so I don't even know how you watched that

shit. Yeah, how about this? Eat my ass. How about that? Why don't you catch me

outside and eat my whole asshole? How about that? Nigga, you just mad goddamn

your shadow blacker than your ass light bright. First of all, you know that

strikes a chord with me. Second, you so black, lightning bugs follow you in the

daytime.

Buckets. Sorry, that's a horrible throw. I got weak wrists.

You so white, you goddamn, I can see your thoughts. Nigga, them bitches is

transparent, Coop.

Goddamn. All right, that was pretty good.

But, uh, I don't know.

You so black, you carry food stamps and a money clip.

How about that?

Boy, nigga, you just mad bitter like I'll hit your whole body at once,

Jackson.

Well, bro.

You look like you drop common loot when you're defeated.

Oh, sorry.

That's Elvish for well done.

High five myself.

Hey, was you so white, you may coot like Malcolm X, my nigga.

Oh, uh, hey, Melanie.

Oh, hey, Melanie. Oh, fuck you, T -Man. Hi, Tafels.

How was your weekend?

It was really lucrative, actually, which is good. What, you were streaming on

the Internet doing the only thing as cheeky? I had a garage sale with my mom,

the complete opposite.

I'm just saying, goddamn, slide the panties to the side or something on the

Internet. These motherfuckers paying for that type of shit. Look, you ain't even

got to fucking work up in this bitch no more, and you could probably show one

nipple, and that shit gonna pay your rent for six months straight, I

it. No, I know, but I like working here.

Well, I don't.

Okay, well, I do, especially when I'm not being told to, like... Show my

on camera. I was just suggesting something lucrative that you could do

yourself. Entrepreneur type shit. There are lots of other ways for women to make

money.

Like what?

Anyway, Melanie, did you get that bracelet that you ended up wearing?

No. It's really sad. I was saving up for it, and then on the way here this

morning, I was like, oh, I'm going to see if it's in the window. It's not.

That's because the OnlyFans bitch twerked her way in the window and stole

bitch right in front of your face. Hey, what the fuck are y 'all doing?

I don't understand. I'm over here. I'm slaving away in this motherfucker. What

is happening?

Sorry. Okay, can y 'all, can you sit your way and get back to work possibly?

that okay, my lord?

What the fuck is this shit?

Oh, my God. You guys going to rip Duck Hunt tonight?

Uh, yeah, actually. But I'm over the ducks, you know? I want to go clay

That shit's way harder. All right, well, whatever ducks you're killing, just

remember who holds the high score, okay?

Uh, yeah, whatever. You only have that because the table spilled ginger ale all

over the system and fucked the cartridge up. Okay, well, why don't we get him

some sippy cups so we don't have any more excuses, okay?

Yeah, whatever.

So, uh...

How you doing? What's up in your world?

Uh, I'm okay.

I want to get out of my mom's house because I'm 28.

You're going to need a better job if you want your own spot and nice shit like

that bracelet or whatever you were talking about. God, the bracelet. Don't

remind me.

Do you know the whole story with that?

Uh, no.

So I was out to lunch with Cable the other day and we went by that jewelry

and I saw it in the window. This bracelet was sort of made out of rubies

grandma used to wear.

She gave it to me when I was a kid before she died.

I'm sorry. What happened to it?

I traded it for nachos from this girl at Six Flags.

Oh,

you're serious? Yeah, I'm dead serious. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

So you and tables go to lunch often? What the fuck is that about?

Not as often as I would like.

What? You like tables? Why? God.

Fucking like tables?

Tablet?

I just would have never guessed, you know. He's built like a fucking swing

riding an Olsen twin.

He's just a nice guy, and he's really sweet, and he's cute, and he likes

hobbits, which I think is adorable.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Imagine, like, you guys do actually go out, and it's

like a year. A year has gone by in time, and you're in love, and you leave some

kind of establishment.

What is this accent that you're doing?

And some, like, crazy -ass motherfucker comes out with a .357 Magnum and points

it at y 'all. Like, where is his...

love of hobbits and shit gonna come in handy then i mean i think the better

question is when is any guy's bullshit gym routine gonna come in handy against

bullet you know what i mean why are you so upset you're my boss why do you give

a shit about whether i like guys for their body or for their personalities i

wouldn't say i'm upset i just i find it really hard to believe that you know a

cute girl like yourself with the pick of the lot doesn't want somebody who's

like

team jacob shredded team jacob you know like stallone like fucking just like

adrian yo yo melanie like you could have that guy sure this is the

thing look we're all gonna look like shit one day right we're all gonna be

when we're old you know what i mean i'm ugly right now exactly so would you

rather be with somebody that you like because they have a rockin' bod and you

spend all this time with them and you grow old together and you detest the

person they are underneath, you know, Jesus' abs and Jude Law's jawline? Or

would you rather fall head over heels for someone and spend 50 years together

and pick out the perfect plot of land to rest side by side for all of eternity?

Well, thankfully, I'm a workaholic. What the... Come out of here!

Where the bottle cleaner at, nigga?

Are you serious?

You couldn't take ten steps out here and just ask me? This was way faster,

nigga. Where's that?

Do you understand that in the time that it took for you to pull out your phone,

unlock the shit, go to your contacts, call me, wait for the shit to fucking

ring, you could have walked out here, took ten steps.

Cool. Why are you so upset all the time?

Because you be doing dumbass shit all the time.

Come out here, man.

Yes, sir. Oh,

fuck you.

Oh, no, sir. Please, sir. Don't give me no lashes today, sir.

I just want to eat like the rest of the slaves, sir.

Can you please pour me in the direction of the vinyl cleaner, sir? Please.

I don't want no trouble.

Nigga, where the vinyl cleaner at? It's under the register.

Why you ain't tell me that shit when I was in there, nigga? I was just there.

Oh, shit.

Yo, what the fuck, man? This is my favorite fucking jacket. Nigga, I can't

believe this shit.

I told you to fix that now. Yo, Tremaine, where you going, man? We got

in here, bro.

Find out on the next episode of Nigga Ball Z.

Listen up.

There you go.

T -Man, I knew you printed stuff. I didn't know you could actually, like,

clothes.

I want to make clothes.

This is really awesome.

Thanks. Sew what you reap with that.

That's the brand.

My grandma taught me how to sew when I was in middle school.

Before she passed, and all the kids used to make fun of me for that shit, but I

figured one day I'll reap what I sow.

That's good.

So what, you want to be a fashion designer?

I mean, I want to make clothes, start my own brand, maybe open up a store or

some shit. That'd be dope as fuck.

Maybe collab with Pharrell.

Pharrell? Hell yeah.

Man, you've been saying that since we were kids, bro. You just got to do it.

Nah, bro, you the business, man.

You don't want to be paying all the bills and shit, making it happen. Nigga,

don't know how to do all that shit.

I just like fucking...

designing and creating clothes man can you make one for me anytime let

me give you some

sweet loving

excuse me uh hey hi hi

how are you good how are you so we're having a good day huh It is, yeah.

Yeah, it's nice.

Yeah, it's beautiful all the time. It's beautiful in here.

Yeah, my son would like to buy some. Oh.

What?

Oh, hey, can I help you with anything?

Pizza.

We don't sell pizza here.

No, Pizza Man, Jay Dilla.

Oh, snap, little man. What did you know about Jay Dilla?

Thank you. You're welcome.

Actually, you know what?

Why don't you just take this wine on that?

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. Say bye.

Thank you. Thank you. All right. See you.

Hey, thank you for meeting me, sir.

Just need another extension.

Hey, I just need one more extension.

It's not a big deal.

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

Thanks for meeting with me.

I don't know what to tell you here, Ken.

How the hell do you owe $178 ,000?

You own a record store.

Well, I'm... It's the pandemic, you know? I mean, it hit us really hard, and

continued to pay my employees full salary. Yeah, why would you do that?

I mean, what was I supposed to do, just fire them?

Yes, exactly that. You're running a business, not a hip kitchen.

Well, I mean, you know, they're not numbers to me, okay? These people are

family.

Unfortunately, one of them actually is. And I can sleep good at night, you know,

knowing I made that decision.

Even though, ironically, I actually had to move out of my apartment. I've been

sleeping in the office.

You're currently residing in the establishment?

Yeah. That's a violation.

What? Look, can't we, like, file an extension or something?

You already filed twice.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing you can do. There's got to be something I can do. There's not.

Look me in the eyes as a man and tell me there's nothing I can do to save my

business There's nothing you can do

That

your boy real handsome got a strong jawline just like his old man, that's my

daughter

Isn't there some kind of a contingency or something we can... I'll take a look.

Don't get your hopes up.

I'll call you later, okay?

Fuck!

Fuck!

Motherfucking bitch!

Fuck it.

I had no idea.

Yeah, I know. That means I did a good job.

Here you go.

Thank you.

And...

pancakes. I put a little smiley face on there because you seem a little upset.

Thanks. I appreciate it. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Take a bite.

Like right this second?

Yeah.

Okay.

What is with the crunch on this?

Oh, yeah, they're good. What is this, toast? Is this like a toast? I'm not

trying to sound rude at all. It's just like, listen to that.

Oh, that's a good crunch on that.

Good crunch on a pancake? You don't like the crunch?

This is Captain Crunch level crunch.

This is like, what's a Master Sergeant crunch?

The home of the crunchy pancakes. It's been on the sign for years.

Yeah, it's on the sign now. Crunch on a pancake? Crunchy on the outside, pillowy

on the inside.

Okay, I don't need the sarcastic cutting. I'm just being funny, but look

I'm being a prick. If I can be honest with you, yeah, I'm having a bad fucking

day. Okay, excuse me. That's okay. I curse all the time.

Can you give me one right now?

Okay, well, um, there's cock fuck.

Oh, two.

No, wait. You got any more? Um, and then there's, you know, suck my ass, suck my

asshole, suck my gait, suck my gash. Golly, there's suck my cunt, obviously.

That's a classic. Eat my butthole, eat my slit.

Um, eat the pancake?

That's really amazing. Thank you so much.

You're going to be okay.

I appreciate it.

Oh, my God.

Beth. Yeah, this fucking sucks. Oh, God.

I'm trying. I don't know what to say to you.

Just don't say anything, all right?

You haven't told T -Man and Tables?

They don't know? I haven't told them. I haven't told you because I was hoping

there was something I could do to fix this.

You should have told them sooner. You should have told me sooner, to be

I shouldn't have found out this way. I was hoping that I could fix this, and it

doesn't look like I can.

I'm still going to try, okay?

Yeah. Here you go, Mel.

Thank you so much.

I'm a hugger. Do you mind?

Okay. Oh, but I don't like to be touched.

Fuck, yo, this is crazy, bro.

Uh -oh. It's this part where this nigga says, fuck, he's like, well, this crazy

-ass nigga comes in, and I can't even explain it.

Excuse me, but I know you didn't just say what I think you said.

Yeah, he did. He sure did. I heard him. No, I'm sorry. Look, it's not what it

sounded like, okay?

It sounded like you about to get an ass -whooping, white boy.

Hell yeah. Jump on his ass, nigga. From the top ropes on that nigga. I got the

camera. Let's go. No, you don't understand. I'm black.

What? I mean, I'm half black. I'm biracial. I'm mixed race.

Oh, shit.

Negro, please.

That's all you had to say.

Oh, man.

Damn. Okay, that's like my biggest fear just happened, actually. My kids got a

white mama.

Goddamn, boy, I bet you got good credit, too.

And one of the kids came out looking like, you know, Mr. Clean and shit.

See, Coop, you ain't the only light -skinned nigga on Earth.

Hey, can you sign for this, nigga?

Uh, yeah.

Damn, Coop, he done called you a nigga in public. Nigga, you like that shit,

don't you? This is your moment, fool. You been waiting on this shit since we

kids, nigga.

I feel good about it. I know. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. I mean,

thanks, nigga.

There you go, brother.

All right. All right.

Y 'all stay black.

I'll try.

Yeah, keep trying.

Handsome motherfucking respect for your elders.

I'm your daddy.

Look.

What's up, y 'all?

That's a good question. Good job. What's going on, Smoke Dog? Hey, Miss Lady.

What's up, Daddy?

What's up?

Al, what the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you, man? I

heard you losing the shop.

Damn, Daddy, why the fuck you coming at me like that, man?

Man, what the fuck is going on with you, huh? Wait, I taught you better than

that. You a black man.

Where you hear I was losing the shot?

Man, streets talk.

I heard everything in the streets, man. The streets? You're 70 years old. That

don't fucking matter.

You in the streets at 70? Nigga, I'm in the streets. I'm in the sheets.

I be hustling. I be hustling, Cooper.

Hustling what?

Hustling everything.

Pills. women i hustle them all anything that's gonna make me some money damn

don't you know your daddy is a p -i -m -p damn hit that well that sounded good

hit that one more time p -i -m -p you you wild daddy yeah you a wild

a wild guy yeah but you know i love you i love you too you know and you could

you can let me know

How I can help you, but I can't help you with no money, son.

My money is tied up in bonds overseas.

Nigga, what are you, James Bond overseas? What kind of shit is that?

No, man, I ain't James Bond. I'm just Smokey.

Nigga, you got some shit on your lip. What the fuck?

Okay, you good? What you doing?

I guess it must be from eating that good pussy.

You're aware you're like 70 years old?

I can still do my thing.

You know?

Don't you wish you'd be able to do your thing when you're my age?

Your dick still get hard? Oh, man, does it?

Does it? Like Chinese arithmetic, brother.

Nigga, what the fuck are you talking about?

You haven't explained to me why you are losing your shop. Hold on. Let me

pretend I'm you now.

Well, son.

Let me tell you what you should do, Sean. You should open up an appliance

center. Okay?

Invest it in blenders, nigga.

Invest it in blenders. And I'm like, okay, Dad.

Where do we at, nigga? I ain't got time for this shit.

You trying to smoke?

Damn right I'm trying to. You trying to smoke right now? Right now. Say, I want

to smoke right now. I want to smoke right now.

There's no way this motherfucker right here is your dad, dude.

What do you mean? You're white as fuck, bro.

His mom's white as fuck, bro. Look at this fucking bitch. She was Caucasian.

I need to see some fucking proof, bro.

What?

He's white in front of you.

So this is your son? Of course. Cooper, aren't you my young man?

Yeah, nigga, drop your pants. We both got the same size dick. It's huge.

Why don't black chicks like me, man?

What? Black you? Black chicks don't like me. Because you ain't got no dick,

dude.

Chick.

Damn, nigga, that's fast as shit.

Okay, nigga, stay on the metronome. Your grandmother told me that

pussy ain't nothing but meat on a bone.

You can fuck it, you can suck it, you can leave it alone.

One and only, these other motherfuckers phony. Straight up jabroni, you gotta

get it feeling stony.

One of a kind, when I rhyme off the top of my line. These motherfuckers know I

put it in the bitch's spine.

The only thing that's offensive about somebody saying nigga is when they say

nigger. Yeah, when Leonardo DiCaprio did that shit in Django, I was fucked up.

But that was a bar, man.

He had to play that nigga. He played it, nigga, to my heart, nigga. I was mad at

the nigga ever since. I don't even fuck with his movies no more. Cause she's a

crackhead bitch, sucking on a glass dick. Say what? Say what?

What? What?

She's a crackhead bitch, sucking on the devil's dingo.

are you doing just making sure nigga what it's not broken making sure no

dealing like he always is bro are you serious you know we've only ever had one

shoplifter and the kid was like 12 and you literally punched him in the stomach

nah nigga you never know fool look around this motherfucker first of all we

ain't got no cameras nigga need to invest in the motherfucking camera

because look niggas it could be this old motherfucker in the back acting all

weird and alone and shit

Or them gay Chinese niggas over there. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why you

gotta say they're gay?

Because I saw them gay ass niggas kissing outside when I was smoking a

earlier, fool.

I don't give a fuck them niggas is gay, cool?

I'm just making an observation, fool. They gay, so what?

You've done gay shit before, nigga. I don't give a fuck.

What?

What gay shit?

It's not, I mean, what?

You know when you're...

You're, like, young, like, 11, 12, and you're spending the night at your

house, and it's, like, sleepover, and you guys are both under the covers, and

you've got the flashlight, and you're telling, you're fucking reading

and shit, and everything's all fun, and then the lights go out, and, you know,

the hands come out, and the next thing you know, you're jerking your friend

and he's jerking you off, and you're, like, totally pretending it's Jessica

Chasmore from Fourth Period, and it's, like, a whole thing, but it's, you know,

it's not gay.

I mean, kind of gay, but not really, just more about, like... trying to

it out and, like, explore.

That's all it was, you know? Like, three times. Five times, max.

Five times, fool?

It took you five times to realize you wasn't gay, Coop? That's a lot, nigga.

Yeah, that's true.

It's not like I came.

Well, I mean, I did have an orgasm, but it was just, I was so young, it was like

ghost loads, nothing came out. What about that time you sucked that nigga's

dick, fool?

Oh.

You sucked his dick?

I mean, I didn't suck his dick, you know what I mean? It was just more like a...

A little lick. Look.

Explain yourself, nigga.

Oh, my God.

I licked his dick three times, four or five dollars, in which he did not give

me, and the lesson I got was, do not suck dick for money.

And foreskin is salty.

And that was it.

Cabral, I wonder if this sort of sounds like you might have been assaulted.

Actually, I have been molested. It wasn't that. Trust me.

Okay. Yeah.

Like I was saying, nigga, I don't give a fuck if niggas is gay, fool.

Shh. Well, then why you gotta say they're Chinese?

You don't know, man. They could be Taiwanese. They could be Korean. They

be Japanese.

Like, what the fuck? Have some respect.

You don't know that they're Chinese.

There are people in the store.

I heard them fools talking a little chit -chat shit earlier, talking about some

T 'ing -wan -wo, Chiang Kai -ni, nigga, in Mandarin.

Uh, what does that mean?

It means I want to fuck you tonight.

Oh. Wait, hold on. You know Mandarin?

I know things, nigga.

I taught myself that shit to get better prices on fabric downtown.

And another thing I motherfucking know, somebody in this bitch stealing some

shit right now, nigga, and it's probably who you least expect it, boo.

Like who?

Ooh, like that pregnant bitch over there.

I bet she's shoving merchandise up her pussy. Shut the fuck up.

Shh. Shut the fuck up.

This is like the definition of ignorance. If you opened the dictionary

searched for the word ignorant... T -man right there. Yes. I looked it up. It's

his face.

She's not stealing.

Look, I know, fool. I just didn't realize how fine she was. Damn.

Yeah,

brother, what's up? Yo!

Slaidro, what the fuck, man?

Bro, I haven't seen you in forever.

Oh, I know, I know, man.

Yeah, you know me. I'm just out here dodging cops and copping digits.

So, same as always.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I got arrested for a little bit. I was in jail for, like, three

So, that's why, like, my bad. I didn't hit you up and see if you wanted to re

-up on the weed. But hopefully it lasted.

You know what? If I can be honest with you, and I swear to God I'm not just

saying this, it was the best fucking weed I've ever smoked in my life.

That's what I'm aiming to do.

I'm here to supply.

Yeah, just... A good time. The last roach of it this morning, and I was

hit the dispensary, actually. Whoa, whoa, uh -uh.

What?

Don't ever say that word in front of me again.

What? Dispensary.

You kidding me?

You cannot.

I mean, you cannot buy from those Ronald McDonald McFuck assholes.

You got to buy from the people who live to supply.

You know?

All right, well.

What you got? Me? Oh, I got nothing.

What do you mean? You sell weed.

No, no, no, no. Not no more.

I'm on house arrest, see?

Wait, wait. You're on house arrest right now?

Mm -hmm.

That's why I can't sell you weed.

Yeah, but you also can't leave your house. Do you understand that?

No, no, no. I can. I put pillows under the blankets so when they get there,

we're all good.

Home alone, that shit. You know what I mean? You're fucking joking.

You're joking.

No, dude, you Macaulay Cole can't leave your home alone when you're on house

arrest. You're wearing an ankle bracelet.

So I have to leave with someone?

Home alone? What I'm trying to tell you, you're wearing an ankle bracelet.

Yeah. That is supposed to monitor you inside of your house. Uh -huh. And

outside of your house.

But the pillows.

But the bracelet.

Slay Joe, do the math. You look like fucking Zach Galifianakis in The

right now.

I think I fucked up. Yeah, you think you fucked up? I know you fucked up. Oh, I

gotta go home. Yes, you do.

Oh, man, I gotta go home.

Like, right now.

Okay, I think you're right.

Yeah. Yeah, fuck, I gotta go home. Go home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

But you need weed, right?

I never leave a brother dry. Just call this number.

You see?

All right? Bob, he's not going to say nothing.

Just tell him how much you want, where to meet him, what time. He'll be there.

Wait, what do you mean he's not going to say anything? Like, I'm going to call

him and... Yeah, he won't talk at all.

You mean like Helen Keller?

No, no, no. He leaves his attic, so it's all good.

There it is.

Hey, Cooper.

How are you?

Oh, shit. What's up, bro? I haven't seen you in a while.

Bro? Do I look like bro right now?

I'm offended.

Address me as the queen I am.

Is this really what we're doing? Yes, it is.

Okay. All right. Well.

Hi, bitch. Oh, my God. You look so motherfucking beautiful. You just look

damn good.

You just bust it on the phone.

Is that good enough? Why you have to be such an asshole like that?

You better kiss my hand.

That I'm not doing. That is definitely not happening. Yes, it is. Kiss it.

Please kiss my hand. No.

Yes.

No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. All

right!

I always get my way.

Anyway, motherfucker, what's up?

I have a huge gig tonight at the Aquarius Theater.

I'm looking for something to get jiggy with.

Big Willie style.

Yes, it's giving vibes.

You know, because Will Smith left.

You're crazy, dude.

I mean, sister.

I'm not your bro, I'm not your sister, I'm not a dude, but I can be your

homegirl.

Anyway, why don't you just take this from the house?

Cooper, that's so sweet of you. Thank you.

Make sure you're safe and don't do nothing too crazy and break a leg. My

are always broke.

All right, for sure. Peace out.

You're cute.

See you later, girl.

All right, bye.

Bye.

Hey, dude, what's up?

What's up, white boy?

Do you sell drugs?

What? Like, are you holding? Holding this dick, motherfucker. What you

for? Can I have $20 worth, please?

Yeah, put it right there, nigga. Quit. Move quick.

Don't look around, either.

How the hell did you find me anyway, white boy?

On this subreddit, it was called Black People of Bend.

What the fuck was you doing on Black People of Bend, though?

I think black women are extremely beautiful.

Mm, me too, nigga.

Like a coup.

Grab that shit quick. Grab it quick. Grab it quick.

Do you sell any coke or brown?

Hell no.

Or like hydras or ketamine or norcos or oxys or percocets or triple Cs? What?

Do you sell any Lexapro?

I don't fuck with none of them white people drugs. Only what comes out of

Nature's pussy, nigga.

Ozempic. No.

Get the fuck out of here.

What? Get the fuck out of here.

What? Get the fuck out of here, white boy. Go, nigga. Quick.

Move fast. Hurry up.

Nigga, go.

Get the fuck up out of here. Go. What did I say about selling weed in the

Not to sell it.

Okay.

Coop, that was just a Reagan note. Nigga, it ain't that deep. Chill. It is

deep. What if he starts smoking it and fucking acting like an Italian?

Nigga, these motherfuckers be so drugged out on other shit they can't even tell

the difference. Coop, what you talking about? Look, bro.

I don't want some motherfucker who looks like God and dogma in my store, okay? I

don't want these people around.

What if he comes back here? Then I'll beat their ass, Coop. You know what time

it is?

Well, what if one of these kids fucking tells their parents?

Cool. First of all, what type of drug addict tells their parents they own

my nigga? That shit sound crazy.

And second, even if they did, fool, what they gonna do? Call the police like,

uh, yes, officer, uh, there's a large nigger at Paradise Records. Can we

send a SWAT team down there? He's selling fake marijuana. Can you chill

second? You might not be taking this shit seriously, but I take it seriously.

What is wrong with you? You need to fucking start acting more professional,

Bro, why are you coming to me like that, cool? You're selling fake weed at work.

Bro, you acting like we gonna lose the shop over that little ass plate. Nigga,

chill. No, it's not even about that, bro. At this point, I just feel like you

take advantage of me. You walk all over me, man. You fucking show up late. You

leave early.

Coop, I was on time every single day this week. Nigga, what you talking

Tremaine, it's Monday.

Look, all I'm saying, you know what? I don't even want to have this

with you right now. Go to lunch, please.

Take your break. Thank you, employee. Goodbye.

Nigga, I'm not even hungry, fool. I don't give a fuck.

Go take your lunch.

Nigga, I ain't gonna take no lunch, but what I will do, Coop, Light Bright,

Casper, is I'll go smoke me a little doinker, nigga, because you is tripping

right now.

Cooper? Hey.

Mike. Mike Hawk?

Your neighbor?

You know why I'm here.

Just do us both a favor, finally.

Sell me your location, okay?

Uh, no thanks. What are you talking about?

Okay, listen.

A little birdie told me that you're going through some financial troubles.

Let me help you.

I'll buy your shop. Everybody wins.

What are you talking about? No, I literally lose my shop. How do I win in

situation? Okay, I'm going to stop you right there.

I can't handle the word no.

So let's just avoid that, okay? Think about it a little bit longer.

Get back to me, okay?

I'll even hire all your people.

All of them.

Everybody wins.

You know, I really wish T -Man was here right now to say some racist white

people shit.

God, that would make us uncomfortable, wouldn't it? Hey, us white people got to

stick together. What?

What?

What? Hey, I'm just saying what we're both thinking.

Call me about this, okay?

I'll buy it.

I'm not white.

Man, what's up with White Devil Cooper talking to me like that, bro? Yeah, man,

I don't know. He's honestly been acting kind of strange for the last few weeks.

Homie don't play that shit, man. And he lucky he my cousin. Treat me like an

employee and shit.

Okay, not to play white devil's advocate here, but you were selling drugs inside

of his business.

Bro, it wasn't fucking drugs. He's lucky I got people coming in this slow -ass

motherfucker. Coop was being an asshole, Tails.

Okay, T -Man, I'm going to level with you. When Cooper started this business,

could have hired anybody in the greater Portland area to be there for him when

he did, but he chose you.

Right. Okay, and yeah, you're a decent employee.

but you sell fake drugs and you often show up late and then usually leave

So when you think about it, you're kind of being the asshole.

Yeah, real talk with tables.

Mic drop.

Man, fuck that mic.

Wait, don't kick my mic, man.

I drink too much and work too little.

Between life and death I'm in the middle I

write these words and don't know the meaning behind them

I'm just floating through the universe

I don't know what I'm doing

I wish I had it figured out

One thing I know for sure.

Cool.

Is we're all floating through the universe.

Cooper.

Oh, my back.

Um, I, uh, look, I just,

I wanted to talk to you about what happened earlier.

I get it, man.

I'm trying to tell you that I was so pissed off earlier because I'm losing

Because I was being a fucking asshole, bro, I know.

No, Tremaine.

Look, bro, I'm not good at apologizing and saying I'm sorry and all that shit,

bro, but you're the responsible one, Coop.

You're the one who gave me a job when I needed it.

You're the one who owns the shop, bro. I'm gonna be paying all the bills and

shit. I get it. Just listen to what I'm trying to say. No, nigga, you listen.

This place, it means a lot to me, cuz.

This opportunity you gave me, bro, shit's life -changing, man.

Looked out for your big cousin, man, when he needed it most. I was down and

man.

Just scraping up change, hustling, whatever I could, bro.

You saw that, man, and you fucking pulled me out of that gutter, bro, and

me this chance, man.

And I'll fucking always fucking love you for that shit, bro.

And I don't mean to be coming in this bitch and fucking it up, taking it for

granted. So you know what, nigga?

I'm going to stop selling oregano, and I'm going to stop showing up like a

Thank you, Tremaine. I really appreciate it, man. I got your back to the end,

nigga. Remember that shit.

Okay. You know, cats like us, we don't really talk about our emotions.

I'm just dealing with shit, like anybody, and I...

I don't think I'm ready to really talk about it, and I just... I just wanted to

say I'm sorry for how I was acting, and I care about you, and you have been

there for me.

I appreciate it. We family, nigga.

We good?

Of course we're good.

Nigga!

Oh, Pee Wee Herman looking ass nigga? Boy, you look like you moan when you

Nigga, fuck you!

That shit feels good sometimes, nigga. Your hairline look goddamn cursive,

nigga.

Your credit score is a single digit.

Well, you look like Bobby Hill.

Your beard makes your entire face look like it's made out of pubes. You look

like an extra on Bebe's Kids.

That's a deep black reference, nigga.

Well, nigga, you look like salt.

This has been called color, mulatto, zebra, black bright. You niggas

if I can even say nigga.

DJ Drummer.

Goddamn!

Yo, you a cop?

What? I said are you a fucking cop? We're not selling donuts here,

Oh, no, I got your number from Sladro.

What the fuck did you just say?

I said I got your number from Sladro.

Sladro?

Sladro? Yeah.

Wicker, wicker, wicker, why didn't you just say so, man? He's our brother from

another mother.

Oh, okay.

We spent six months in the joint with him, man. He talks a lot and he's on the

spectrum. but his weed is fucking smashing.

It is pretty fucking good, but I heard y 'all got that shit. So, uh, can I get

some off you guys?

Y 'all, man, there's an art to this, man. You gotta put $100 in the palm of

hand. I'm sorry, I'm not, I'm really not trying to sound like an asshole or

anything, but can I just, can I just buy some fucking weed?

What, he doesn't want to hear me sing? What the fuck?

Yeah. Okay, white boy, take the shit and get the fuck out of here then.

Enjoy the blueberry butt fucker.

Did you just say blueberry butt fucker? What?

I don't know.

Is this weed called blueberry butt fucker? Yeah, why?

You afraid to get a little butt fucked?

Get a little butt fucked?

Me and my hydro life mate don't have time for people who don't know the art

weed.

Oh my God, I can't fucking believe this.

Okay.

What do you got?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

We got the classic Snoogins OG.

That's right. Snoochie Boochies. Nugs tighter than a nun's coochie. Shit, that

must be fucking tight as shit.

And then we got Blueberry Buttfucker, which you already know about.

Clearly. And then my personal favorite, Goldilocks.

Why is it called that?

Because it's just right.

All right, give me some of the Goldie shit.

Yeah, son.

All right, thanks a lot.

Appreciate it.

Wow, yo. Oh, my God, this is fucking...

Paradise

Records. This is loan officer Banks.

Can I speak to Cooper Johnson, please?

Yeah, one second, please.

Where the fuck is Cooper at?

Uh, this is Cooper.

Well... As we discussed, I looked through your file, and there's really

in here that can extend to $178 ,000. The fact is, you have to sell and repay

your debt, or the bank will attain your business and all its assets.

If you'd like to come in, we can...

I left it by the first. Dude, I'm telling you it's not here. I've already

looked. Literally. You bitch ass nigga. You're going to fucking tell us, nigga?

Tell us what?

That we losing a fucking shop tables and we about to lose our fucking job too,

bro. Oh, Cooper, what is he talking about? He was going to tell you guys.

cool. You told this bitch before us, nigga? Your own cousin? Hey, T -Man.

Normally, I know when you say bitch, you don't mean it like that. But if you say

it in that tone one more fucking time, I'm going to fucking cut your dick off.

Look.

i was gonna tell you guys yeah sure you are nigga listen to what i'm saying okay

it's just it's been the whole dude this is really fucked up i thought the shop

was doing great is doing great it is i'm just trying to tell you guys how could

you fucking do this oh my god how could i do this how could i do this what the

fuck I have been sleeping in the fucking office.

I'm cooking eggs on a fucking propane camping setup.

I've been washing my balls in the sink.

What? I had to move out of my fucking apartment for you.

All right? So I'm sorry.

I'm fucking sorry that I did everything I could and borrowed money from the bank

to try to keep this fucking place afloat. Move.

That definitely sheds some more light on the situation.

Yeah, why it smells like fucking balls in a bathroom.

Yo, what's that thing where white people show up and they give away money

because they feel bad for you and shit?

A fundraiser?

Nah, nigga, not a fucking fundraiser. Fucking, what am I thinking of?

Oh, church, nigga, yeah, church. Kanye did it, remember?

Mike Hop offered to buy the shop out.

If he does that, I don't have enough money to...

Pay the bank back and kind of start fresh, I guess.

Mike Hawk?

That guy's a douche.

And I thought you said we could keep our job.

Yeah, he'd employ you.

I don't want to work at some lame -ass arcade, nigga.

What if we just sold a bunch of inventory?

I mean, not to sound like an asshole, but that's literally what I try to do

every single day for a living, as much as I can. Yeah.

Hey, there's my nephew.

How you doing?

What's going on?

Oh shit, it's Uncle Tony, cool.

That's right, it's Uncle Tony. How you doing? What's up?

We're good? Yeah, we're good. Everything's great?

I'm fucking great. I just did a bump in the parking lot.

What's going on with you? You good?

Hey, Uncle Tony. Look at this kid. Doesn't he look just like me? It's

It's so weird. I don't know how you came out of my sister's vagina and not my

balls. It's like a spitting image. You're a fucking sexy beast. I just want

say it's funny because, you know, he's actually half black.

Oh. I know. I mean, his father is, you know, his father's black. But he doesn't

look at it at all. But he says the N -word all the time. It makes everybody

around him uncomfortable. It's ridiculous, you know. And he's like,

identity. It's my identity. It's who I am. No, it's fucking not. He can't

identify as black, moron.

He's a fucking idiot.

You know what I love? Black women, clearly. You see what I'm talking about?

Uncle Tony loves the black women.

Incredible. And when I'm with you, it is just like, I'm like the only white man

that was ever invited to Wakanda.

You know what I mean? What kind of things I do to that pussy?

I'll never tell.

I'll never tell.

I fucked it.

I did.

Uh, hello.

Oh, shit. How fucking long have I been standing here? I'm sorry, everybody.

Candelabra. Candelabra, this is Cooper here. Cooper, this is Candelabra. It's

Candelabra. Hello there.

Hi, I'm Candelabra. It's so nice to meet you. I hope you don't mind, but I'm a

hugger. Okay. Oh, all right.

Okay, there.

I gotta get that. So this album right here, oh my God, it was like late, what

was it, 78? Sometimes it's hard to remember, but this disco record was

everything.

19 motherfucking 78 right there. The music, the movies, the fucking disco,

the comedy. I mean, you know, George Carlin, Richard Pryor. Pryor to what?

Anyway, so, yeah, it was just comedy. You said whatever you want.

You know, you weren't trying to hurt anybody or anything like that. It was

crazy. I mean, back then, people could take a joke like you take a dick,

sweetheart.

What up? Sorry, do you actually think that is true? Well, clearly you do,

because you're kind of just saying whatever the fuck you want.

Uh, yes, young lady, I do. You haven't seen how talented Candelabra is. She can

suck the white off rice.

She turned my foreskin into an eight -skin.

Yeah, that wasn't what I was talking about. I'm talking about how it seems

you think that women are objects. Well, just retract the claws, pussycat. I mean

you no harm. I come in peace.

Actually, I come quite aggressively.

You like this?

I'm a dirty daddy king.

Okay. Best of luck to you.

Damn, somebody really upset this bitch.

Hey, half -breed, let's go. I've got to talk to you about something.

Look, kid, I hate to keep hitting you up for cash like this, you know what I'm

talking about, but I need it, all right? I fucking need it. Uncle Tony, I don't

have it.

What are you talking about? What do I look like, a fucking cod? Yeah, I don't

have any money. What are you talking about?

I can't do that right now. Is that what you think?

All right?

Huh? Listen, listen to me. What do you mean, what am I talking about? You

fucking, you come in here all the time, man. You're always asking me for shit,

and I do, I help you. All right, because we're family, and you were there for

me. Oh, my God, she's down for anything.

All the things, all the positions, all the styles, you know, and sometimes it's

only like $20 extra. It's crazy. Now, our love, listen, our love, listen, is

the hour.

Okay, I need to tell you something.

What, the gay thing? I know.

What? No!

It's not a big deal, whatever.

Fuck who you want. What is with everyone thinking I'm gay?

Why does everybody say that? You think I'm a fucking retard? Like, Matt, I

get it. Listen to what I'm saying to you.

I got some wise guys after me, okay? I owe some people some money I shouldn't

have fucked around with, okay? And I need a little bit of help from you. I

about $1 ,000.

Uncle Tony, I don't have any money to give you. Come on. When do I ask you for

things? You know?

Tony, this is not a good time for me, man.

I'm not trying to be all extra and emotional or whatever.

I'm going to date you. I think I'm going to need about a thousand from you.

Please. All right.

All right.

That's what the fuck I'm talking about.

All right, listen.

Nephew, I want to thank you so much. I will not forget what you did here today.

All right, you know?

Of course.

All right, you fucking little mudblood.

I'm not gay, by the way.

You never saw me, mulatto. Let's go.

Bye, Uncle Tony.

All right, bye. Bye, Candelabra.

Bye.

Damn, there they are.

Damn!

Oh, no, am I dry?

Here you go.

This is crazy.

Damn, fuck that now. That shit happened to me earlier.

I'll fix that shit for you. Really?

Yeah, no problem. I got you.

Thank you.

All right, well, look, since you seem to be wrapped up over here, I think I'm

going to go get a slushie, and then I'll just sit in the car and jerk off for a

little bit, wait for you, you know what I'm talking about, and I'll see you in

two shakes of a Lambsdale, sweetheart, all right? Okay, baby. Okay, bye.

God damn.

You're a lifesaver.

Easy call.

Thanks a million.

It's as good as new, like nothing ever happened.

Hell yeah, anytime, slime. I got you.

Bye, guys.

Bye, Candelabra.

Two minutes. In and out.

How's the radio?

Nothing.

My gloves.

Fine. Let's get another one.

Remember, 140 seconds.

Front door to the teller. Back out.

No bills from the bottom. No die packs.

Anybody fucks with you, you shoot them.

Why the fuck did you borrow that money from Frankie and Campbell, anyway?

He's gonna fucking kill us.

Now's not the time, you understand me?

One minute.

Fucking go time.

Police done killed another black man.

Can't walk, can't drive, can't even send our kids to school without wondering if

we gonna see him again, Coop.

Fuck the police, man.

Yeah, man, I saw that shit today. It really fucked me up. Nah, nigga, fuck

last one of them niggas. I mean, not all cops are bad, bro.

Nigga, what kind of happy, all lives matter shit is that, Coop? Why you gotta

say shit like that? I'm just simply saying, not all cops are, you know,

want to kill brothers. I think there are some police officers who genuinely want

to protect and serve. That's all I'm saying.

Nigga, if you got one dirty cop sitting at a table with nine wholehearted police

officers, newsflash coupe, you got ten dirty cops sitting at the table eating

fucking donuts and shit, my nigga. Look, I'm just saying, what type of self

-respecting human being judges another solely off the color they skin, my

What type of shit is that?

Excuse me.

Hip -hop's in the back, nigga. What the fuck? I'm sorry about that, sir.

Welcome to Paradise.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for the hip -hop section.

It's right there in the back.

Already.

Okay, thank you.

Exactly, nigga. What the fuck is wrong with you, bro? What? What do you mean,

what? You say all that shit that you just said, and then you tell a black man

who walked into the store, didn't even open his mouth to ask a question, you

tell him hip -hop's in the back?

That's racist.

Nigga, first of all, I'm black, fool. You forgot? I can't be racist, cool?

And second, nigga, why the hell is the hip -hop section all the way in the

nigga? That's some Rosa Parks -ass shit, nigga. Your half -white side is

creeping out a little bit on that one. And third, my nigga, what I said wasn't

racist, fool.

It was prejudice.

Hawk has entered.

Cooper, let's have a talk in my new office.

Fuck an arcade. I don't want to work for a white man.

You already do.

Oh, my God. Look, Tremaine, just chill out, okay? I'll be back in a second.

I don't get why it is so hard for you to let go of this.

What do you mean? Why do you say it like that? This is awesome. I love this

place, man, you know, and...

I mean, how would you feel if you had to get rid of your business?

It wouldn't happen.

Well, you know, I really care about these people, man. I don't know about

and how you feel, but these people are my family, man.

Look, I'll keep them on board.

I know.

We talked about it. I appreciate it. Until they fuck up, and then I'll fire

them. Okay?

I mean, that one guy, for sure getting fired quick. I just don't think he can

hack it. But the rest of them.

We'll have a fair shake.

Look, are we going to do this?

Hey, do we have a deal?

Okay, it's a deal.

Say it.

What?

Say it all.

I have a deal with Mike.

Yes.

Say my full name.

I have a deal with Mike Hawk.

Atta boy!

Huh? Ow.

I wanted to tell that nice girl you love, right?

I love you with all of my heart.

You know, and it's so cliche, you know. If you don't call me again, I'm gonna

die. You're a fucking wise guy, quoting lines from the Godfather. It's cliche.

I have too much, you know. What was your favorite part? I'm self -aware to do

that. What was my favorite part? I don't like the movie. You didn't like the

movie. You're really serious? I don't like, I don't like the Godfather. Are

serious? Hey, I don't like the Godfather. Boom, you know what I mean?

comes out of the fucking corner, whacks me out. It's the Godfather.

Yeah, I'm not into it, man.

You know, it's just some stupid shit in that movie. Like, he wakes up next to

the fucking horse's head.

Yeah. Come on, you ever heard of that happening? No, of course not. You know

hard it is to kill a horse? How do you get the horse to stand still? And then

what? Will you take a chainsaw? You can't just chop a horse's head off. No,

course not. No, that's not how it works. There's a lot of bones. Right, so why

not something like a dog's head? Sorry, can I help you? Okay, give me one

second.

A pig.

Right? Or a dog, or a cat, or you know what? A lizard, like a fucking, ooh, a

chameleon. Rewrite the whole script. Wiggly -eyed chameleon. You know?

This committee owes an apology.

Stop doing that. This committee owes an apology. The movies are bull. Hollywood

is bull. A bunch of pedophiles.

Don't mean to interrupt you. I'm sorry. Can I help you?

How you doing? Hi. We are looking for, uh, what's his name?

Cooper.

Cooper.

Uh, I'm, that's, I'm Cooper.

Yeah, how you doing, Cooper? We know.

Wait, then why did you just ask me?

Formality. Right.

What? What do you mean?

Why did you ask me? Formality. Excuse me?

Formality.

Okay, well, anyway, what's up?

Your uncle is a cocksucking motherfucker, piece of shit, rat, fuck,

cunt, little rat cunt. You understand me?

I know.

Let me tell you what about your uncle, okay? He's a public embarrassment.

He hangs around our crew. He acts like he's one of us. He was never sworn in.

You know why? He's half Hungarian Jew. You're not allowed to be in this fucking

group if you're a fucking... He's a fucking Hungarian Jew. Wait, sworn in to

what? We don't fuck with those kinds of people.

What, Jews?

That's correct.

What are you, Kanye West?

Listen to me now. If you can't put two and two together, we can't help you put

four, five, six, or seven together.

Can I help you? I don't get it. What the fuck?

Your Uncle Tony owes us quite a bit of money. He made a fuck -up.

You see?

He owes us 5G hard.

He fucked up. Oh, yeah. You're the guy. Five hard Gs. Oh, he told you about us,

huh? We can't find the motherfucker.

Right? You reached out to him on Snapchat, right? Is he here?

Is he here?

He came in here earlier, being himself.

and told me that he was going through some things and he needed some money. I

gave him money to give you guys, so I don't understand what's happening.

Oh, really? How much? A thousand dollars to help pay you guys back.

I didn't realize... Listen to me. He owes us 5G hard.

How are we going to get that money? I'll tell you how we're going to get that

money. We're going to make sure you give it to us.

Let's cut the bullshit.

We can come back in a few hours.

For what?

For the fucking 5G.

From who? From who? From you, motherfucker.

And if you don't have the shit, we're going to break every toe in your body.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Every one of your toes will be broken.

Yo, hold up.

We don't fucking play that shit at Paradise. What, y 'all think we some

bullies or something?

What's that?

How about that? Ah, keep talking.

Walk away.

Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry. I don't have the money. I literally don't have the

money. You could fucking open this shit right now. There's nothing in there. Do

you know how many men I've mutilated?

Tell me how many men I've mutilated.

We have crucified people.

Mm -hmm.

Excuse me?

Like Jesus?

Exactly.

Exactly like that. That's our calling card. We crucify. Like exactly like

It's a thing we do. Last week, I crucified a Guatemalan grocer.

Whoa. I crucified his ass and threw a fucking honeydew melon at his face.

I was there.

I was there.

It was pretty funny, actually. Yeah, yeah.

Let's get the fuck... We'll be back in like four hours.

Four and a half hours. Give us some time.

All right?

Ooh.

Yellow. That's the good color. It's that big dollar.

Shove it up your ass.

Let's get this over with, shall we?

I got a date with a lady I met on Ashley Madison.

Are you married?

You see a fucking ring?

No, you don't. There's no time for time.

Look, hold on. Whatever you guys are doing, could you just do me a favor and

it outside?

Please, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to sound rude. There's a lot going on,

Thank you. Fuck.

Anyway, I left my phone in the car. I'll be right back. What?

Oh, my God. Did he say his name was Mycock?

Yo, Sladro.

Hey, man, it's me.

What about the ankle bracelet?

It's not there no more.

Oh, my God. You just busted it open. Yeah.

I was supposed to turn it back in to them like six weeks ago, but I got super

stoned, so I forgot.

You thought you were on house arrest this whole time and you're not?

That is the most Slay Joe shit I think I've ever heard.

T -Man and I are going to go watch a movie with the aid of these puppies.

Bro, what the fuck? I thought they were gummies, Slay. What are you talking

about? I got Grandma's finest recipe. I did eat half of them on the way here,

and I'm not going to lie, I don't remember how I got here.

Well, I guess I'm driving, fool.

Yeah, and one of these has a butt -ton of acid in it. It's a Russian roulette,

baby. Hey, what's up, Poop?

Oh, shit. What's up, girl? How you doing?

Nigga, what the fuck? We just talked about this.

What do you mean?

Do I look like your homegirl right now? I call you one thing, you get upset. I

call you another thing, you're upset. I'm with it. I'm with the pronouns. I'm

with the they, the thems, the anything.

Whatever you want, that's what I'll do. Why are you making it difficult?

It's pretty simple. When I'm bald -headed, you can call me bro.

But when I have a gorgeous, sickening wig on, I'm your homegirl.

That's actually extremely simple.

You're welcome.

I thought you had your private gig or whatever.

It got canceled.

What? You got Kevin Spacey'd? What did you do?

It's a long story.

I need to drink it out, to be honest. You want to go have one?

There's a lot going on. Just let me finish closing up, and then we'll do

Cool. Take your time. I'm going to go take a shit.

Okay. It's a bit of a TMI.

Enjoy that turd out of your asshole. Oh, hey. Hi.

Hi.

Just that.

Yeah. You know, you've been in here a pretty long, long time, all throughout

day, and this is all you got?

Yeah, I didn't really find anything I want. Hmm.

Okay. That's it.

A dollar, right? Sorry. Whoa, what the? What is this?

Smells like your...

Perfume. Oh, wait, no, I'm not trying to smell your tits. Oh, shit, nigga, look

at this shit!

A standoff between police officers and two wanted bank robbers is ongoing as

they flee through the city.

Fuck. Fuck.

Oh, my God!

Bro,

that shit happened in a block over, Coop. Right?

Told you that bitch was feeling, nigga. Get her out. Oh, my God. What the fuck?

Get the fuck out of the way.

Get the fuck out. Back the fuck up. Back up.

Get out.

Shut the door. Please don't. No.

Hey,

take a walk, Frodo. Get the fuck out.

Shut the fuck up. All right, everybody back up.

Back the fuck up.

I need keys. Who's got the fucking keys?

Who's got the keys? Give him the fucking keys. I got them. I got them. They're

right here. Here, please. Come on. Come on. Give him the fucking keys. Get the

fuck over here. Give it to him. No, get the fuck.

Do you want some of this? All right. What's up?

No. All right. Watch them.

Lock the fucking door. Lock it.

Pick them up, fucker. Okay, I'm sorry. Calm the fuck down. Let's do this. All

right, get slow, okay? Yes, sir. Don't do anything stupid or the fucking head's

gone. Okay. Right? Okay. And hey, hey, hey.

What the fuck is that?

Somebody's gonna get hurt. Get the fuck back. Get the fuck back!

He's stoned. Come on. I'll fuck you up!

Slater, please. What the fuck is going on with this guy?

He's on stools, dog.

Where's the other exit? It's just the one door.

All right, that's a serious safety hazard.

All right, where's the pisser?

It's through this door and down the hallway.

Everybody sit down.

Sit the fuck down! Hey, hey.

Why are you yelling? I'm not yelling. No, you are yelling. No, you're yelling.

You're yelling. My ear is yelling. My ears are ringing. Don't do that. That

hurt yourself.

Pips is back there. Watch them.

You hear me? And hey,

just relax.

You're doing great. I'm doing great.

Shut the fuck up.

These 40X seats are great.

I can feel his spin.

Shut the fuck up. Don't even fucking move.

Hey, he says, what is wrong with you? They won't fucking listen, Daryl.

Jesus Christ. Christ, not a cracker. Everybody up. Now.

Get the fuck up. Let's go, please.

I want you over there. Check the door. Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Come on. There you go.

Everybody get comfy.

All right? Sit down.

Sit the fuck down.

Hey, Daryl.

Really? You used my real name? What did I say about using a code name? Well,

they don't fucking know. Maybe Daryl was a code name.

Those motherfuckers caught me outside. They used me as a human shield. They

dragged me in here, and now I'm with you motherfuckers. I don't know what the

fuck's going on. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. Are we all good? Is everybody

good? Hell no, we ain't good, nigga.

Oh, it's still good? Yeah, it's still good. It's still good, Bobby

of 503 Milkwater fucking Way, you asshole.

What the fuck, dude? Why the fuck would you give away my address?

I mean, this guy's address, Bobby's. I'm not Bobby, by the way. You fucking

idiot. What is wrong with you?

I'm going to make you go sit over there with them.

I'm going to make you sit over there with them. Jesus Christ. I'll fucking do

it. You can tell these actors trained.

They know how to hold the gun. They're really good.

Don't you fuck. No. No. Stop. You want some of this? Stop.

Don't fucking do it. This is because my sister dropped me in her fucking head.

Don't you bring my mother into this.

The Coen brothers know what they're doing. They catch good people.

You think we're in a fucking movie?

This is happening.

Huh?

This is happening right now.

I know. This movie is an experience.

You put that fucking gun at me again, I will fucking kill you. I'm sorry, I'm

sorry. I didn't mean to do it.

Okay?

We understand each other?

Okay, okay. You know what?

You're a good boy. You're doing good. Make your mom proud, okay? The whole

family's proud of you. Now listen, you ready?

Okay? You good? I'm going to go in the piss and take care of some shit. You

watch these morons, all right?

You're doing good, all right?

Come on.

Come on. Yeah, good. Yeah.

You fucking got it now. Put your gun up on him. Good.

Good. Hey, listen.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Anybody fucking moves, my boy here is going to start capping motherfuckers.

Ain't that right?

Let me see the fucking war face. Let me see it. You're an animal. Yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Slater, what the fuck are you doing?

It's not an elephant. It's a tiger. More of a tiger.

Lion.

That'll work. Good.

Fuck!

Flush the toilet! Flush the toilet, for Christ's sake!

Come on out of here!

Jesus, what did you eat?

Get the fuck in there! Go! Go now! Sit down!

Found a fucking straggler taking a shit.

What is this? I thought this was Oregon, huh?

Why does it look like a fucking Kathleen Kennedy movie in here? Look, sir, I

just don't... Look, I'm not... I don't know what you're expecting to happen

here. What's going to happen? He's a hero? No. Huh? No. Is that who you are?

sir. Huh? You think this is part of the hero's journey where something crazy

happens and you've got to figure it out? No, no. All right, then sit down and

shut the fuck up.

Fucking Scooby -Doo gang.

That's a Scooby laugh.

I'll be back.

Me, them. I'm sorry.

Fucking idiots.

Just chill.

We are chill. You chill.

Don't tell me to chill when you chill.

Everyone chill.

Just chill like Arnold Schwarzenegger in that one Batman movie.

Did this white nigga just say the N -word?

I didn't say the N -word.

Is this a Tarantino movie?

It's not a Tarantino movie. I didn't say the N -word. You just said Arnold

Schwarzenegger. Everyone heard that, right? I didn't say that. You can't say

that. You're white.

I'm black.

You're white.

Actually, my dad's black. It doesn't count. You look white as shit.

What? You heard me. You look white as shit.

But, sir, you're the one in blackface saying that he can't say the word nigga.

I didn't say the N -word.

I'm not getting canceled for shit.

Why are we talking about this right now? Say you're white.

What? No.

Say you're white.

All right, fine. I'm white. It's not you.

The white guy.

Say it, fucker.

I'm white.

We're good.

We're good.

We're not going back, D.

No, no, no, D -Dog, you can't go back. D -Dog!

Sneezer Prost. Do you think he sucks, Dick?

You've had a hell of a day, huh?

You need a hug.

Fuck, bro. It really is. I wouldn't know a thing or two about fucking bros.

Oh, shit. The cops. They brought back up. They brought back up Coop. What?

Why are you excited about that?

Earlier, he was like, oh, yeah, nigga.

Fuck all police, nigga. Fuck every single last one of them.

Yeah, not when they coming to help me, nigga.

Okay. Everybody listen up.

Now, what are you doing? What are you fucking reading?

Put that shit down.

Now listen.

What?

What are y 'all looking at?

Damn.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Don't fucking touch me. Take it off. Take it off.

fucking touch me. Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it. What the fuck?

Ow, fuck, my fucking knee.

Jesus Christ.

You fucking asshole.

Here. Why the fuck would you do that?

Why the fuck wouldn't you wear a belt?

Christ's sake, here. I left it in the fucking car, you fucking prick.

Put your pants up, for Christ's sake. We can still see you.

Fucking douche. Relax. Okay.

Now, we've all had a very trying day.

We all got up on the wrong foot.

Hard day like my fucking hard dick.

You need to start sucking, motherfucker.

He's wearing a wig.

It's not a wig.

You have to forgive my friend. He's stupid and cuts his own hair.

Don't fucking bring my hair into this, dude.

Okay.

Everybody, we're going to get along just fine.

Just want everybody to relax.

Okay?

You know, it's really kind of hard to relax when you're waving that gun in our

faces.

You know, that's a good point.

I really don't intend to kill anyone, okay? I mean, I will, but I'd rather

And I'm not going to do shit. I'm a fucking vegetarian.

Which has nothing to do with anything.

You see this fucking shit? There's a lot of fucking cops out there, Daryl.

Yeah, maybe they're vegetarians too, stupid.

What did you say? I'm a fucking idiot. Stop talking about it.

Come with me.

Christ's sake.

Where's your fucking belt? Stop! Get a belt! Stop fucking touching me, you

fucking old man!

All right, listen up, fellas.

This ain't no tampon commercial, so I need you to stack up, okay?

I want to get those people out safe, and I want to do it clean.

I want you to take this very seriously, all right? Very seriously.

Now, there's two points of access.

The main entrance, and then there's a ventilation duct up on the roof. I want

team up on the roof, okay?

And I want another team out back, okay?

Now, if this fight happens to take us in the front, this is our point of entry,

right here. This is the angle we come in from, all right?

Gibbs. Fuckers Gibbs.

Johnson. Yeah, Chief. Fuckers Gibbs.

I don't know, sir. I think he's tied up right now.

Tied up?

Yeah, girl, you know I've been shot at.

Just comes with the territory.

So, uh, what are you doing after this whole Hodson situation thing?

Gibbs, where the fuck are you?

Uh, Chief, sir, I was just checking, uh, just checking the perimeter, sir.

I don't give a shit what you're checking. I need eyes on these assholes.

Now, there's a ventilation shaft. I need you in it. It's a tight spot.

So suit up.

Sir, yes, sir.

You know, I know a thing or two about tight spaces.

Huh? Huh?

I'm sorry.

Fuck, cock shit, this is fucking intense.

Coen brothers are amazing.

I mean, just...

Look at these Hawk V -Lite anamorphic J .J. Abraham's lenses.

No,

nigga, this shit is real as fuck. These white niggas got fucking guns. We're

about to fucking die, Slay. Stop fucking playing.

Get the fucking phone.

Fuck, I can't do this.

Owner.

It's Cooper.

I don't give a shit. Get your ass up here.

What? Get up here and answer the phone. Okay, shit. Pick up the fucking phone.

All right.

Answer the fucking phone. Okay, all right.

Pick it up.

Hello? Now listen.

It's the cops.

You need to let these people go, all right?

What? No, no, I'm one of the people.

Oh. Well, Jesus Christ, let me speak to whoever's in charge.

Okay.

He wants to talk to whoever's in charge. And who do you think that is? It's

not... Stop! Stop!

Hello? Hello?

Hey, careful, okay? This is really... It means a lot to me. Get back. All right,

okay? You get back.

Yeah? This is Chief Watson, BPD.

Now, look, you can get out of this, but... No, no, no, no, no, no. You

me, pig.

All right, I'm running the fucking show now.

No, no, of course, of course you're running the show. I just... What's your

name?

What? My name?

Why? I mean, I'd like to have a conversation with you, you know?

How am I going to have a conversation unless I know your name?

All right, all right. Let me get one. Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.

Darryl. Name's Darryl.

I got my boy Bobby here. What the fuck? Don't say my name. Shooting people if

anything happens to me. You got that?

Huh? Those cookies?

No, no, no, no, Darryl.

Nothing's going to happen, all right? I don't want that. You don't want that.

Nobody wants that.

Oh, yeah, I sure you don't fucking want that. My blood sugar's actually up. Let

me get a cookie. I'm on the fucking phone. Let me get a fucking cookie.

him. He's going to hit you.

I'm not going to hit you.

So what you want is me dead and everybody out of here, right?

Well, Darryl, now that you mention it, how many people are we talking about in

there? I don't fucking know.

Let me get a fucking cookie.

Hold on a second, cop.

What the fuck? I'm going to fucking kill you.

I'm fucking talking to someone. It's very important.

All right?

Yeah. Get him back down there. Move, white boy!

Yo, this motherfucker's eating the cookies.

Oh, white guy's eating right now.

Can y 'all speak up a little bit? A nigger needs to know what's going on.

Give him position.

He's in the vent, chief.

Just stay in here.

Die in here. What'd he say? What'd he say?

I've got five hostages, two suspects,

armed.

Incident position.

Well, what do you want, Daryl?

I don't fucking know. I haven't thought that far ahead.

What'd he say?

I have the shot.

He has a shot.

All right, listen, Darryl, you got to give me one, all right?

Just give me one, okay?

As a show of good faith.

Good faith?

Yeah, good faith.

There's got to be some level of trust here, Darryl.

Level of trust?

How about you suck a bag of dicks? How about that? There's your level of trust.

What did he say?

I told him to suck a bag of dicks.

Take your jacket off. Come on. I'm not grabbing his fucking foot.

Then grab his ankle. I don't give a fuck. Fuck, dude.

Come on.

Oh, God.

I'm going to fucking puke. I'm going to fucking puke, dude. Robert Hall, Fox 5,

back with you here where a small crowd of people and one black man have

outside of Paradise Records where we know that two armed gunmen have taken

hostages. uh not sure the the status of said hostages but uh i believe uh here

sir uh a racially ambiguous police officer uh johnson it looks like could

tell us more about what took place in here tonight we have a very volatile

situation right now in the downtown bend uh we have two gunmen and

Slater, what the fuck are you doing, man?

Well, morphine hits the bloodstream immediately.

That's your sign of good faith, motherfucker?

I heard a gunshot, Daryl. Has anybody heard?

Yeah, somebody's heard. Somebody got shot.

Well, who the fuck got shot, Daryl?

The fucking ninja you sent in here to kill me. You fucking shot the officer?

No, no, no, no. I didn't shoot that asshole. He blew his foot off when he

through the fucking vent. I guess pigs really can fly.

Was he okay?

Yeah, he's great. He gets half price on fucking shoes now. He blew his foot off!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're gonna have to send him out, though.

Fuck you and fuck that!

Now, look, you haven't done anything fucking stupid yet. But if he bleeds out

and he dies, that's on you, you understand?

All right, fine.

I swear to God, if there's any funny business, everybody in here is fucking

dead.

What did they say, Daryl?

I'm here with a witness to the event tonight. Sir, what exactly did you see?

I mean, man, you know what I'm saying? I ain't no witness, but I get to praise

the ass, goofy ass white boys, man. They robbed some shit, you know what I'm

saying? They dropped some money and shit, man. You know, I ain't trying to

snitch on the niggas or nothing like that. J .J., that's quite a bit of money

you have in your hand there. Have you ever held that much money before? What?

What the fuck? Come on, man. Do I look like I need? I don't even need this

bro. You know what I'm saying? Man, nigga, look here, man. I got a

switch on me, man.

Fucking... Man, you better be glad we on TV, nigga. You know what I'm saying? I

don't need this.

Fuck are we gonna do now, Daryl?

They want the cop.

What? He came here to fucking save us and now they're gonna let his ass go?

type of shit is that?

Damn. Plot twist.

Look, just... Just let my people go.

Let my people go?

What are you, fucking Charlton Heston? Son of a fucking cockball. Come on, man.

Ladies with the language!

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

What do you think's gonna happen here, man?

Shut the fuck up. You've got to see how crazy this is.

I see what's happening here.

I give you fucking people an inch, you take a mile.

I told you chill. You couldn't do that.

Because you think Daryl's playing, don't you?

Maybe now I'll show you that I'm not playing.

Daryl, stop.

Please fucking stop, Daryl. It's too fucking far.

Please stop, Daryl. Just shut the fuck up, Bobby.

Dale.

Are you sending him out?

Don't fucking rush me, pig.

Bobby, bring the cop.

Out we go. Let's go hop along.

Come on.

Now, what the fuck are we going to do to get out of this shit?

I'll do whatever it takes.

Nah, fuck that shit. We should fucking rush these niggas or something. Lucy, I

think we just got to stay patient.

Be patient?

What the fuck? We just gonna sit here and fucking wait to die?

If I was watching a movie about us right now with Slatero in the fucking movie

theater, I'd be like, run, nigga!

Run! Run, nigga! Forrest Gump! Run, nigga! Go, go, nigga! Fuck Jenny, nigga!

Fuck that bitch and the nigga in the wheelchair!

Holy shit.

Whoa, who's that?

Is that what you think you're doing?

You're a fucking son of a bitch.

Go. I'm on it.

Whoa, whoa. What the fuck are you doing here?

After what happened last time, you can't be on this scene. Chief wants you gone.

Hold this.

Goddamn negotiator.

What the fuck?

Hey, hey, hey!

Slow down, motherfucker. Who are you?

I'm the negotiator. Here to talk to you.

No, no, no. I was talking to the other prick.

Well, now... You fucking back off. Now you're talking to me, okay?

I'm not talking to you.

What the fuck? Now back the fuck off. I will shoot you.

You're not going to shoot me, Daryl. Stop walking.

You're going to shoot me? I will shoot you right in the fucking head. You and I

both know that you are not going to shoot me.

You're not gonna shoot me down.

I'm gonna fucking kill you. I said fucking shoot me, do it!

That sounds good to me.

What?

No, I do. I would really like to die today.

You serious?

I don't wanna be alive.

I just wanna die today.

I will shoot you, I will shoot you.

Right in the fucking face. Don't miss.

Can you hit me from there?

Huh? How the fuck did you get over there?

Come on. Huh? Do you want to do it? I thought I was taller.

Get some balls.

I'll do it.

Stick a soldering iron right up my ass.

Don't hit the watch.

Whoa!

You and I both know that you are not going to... Oh, my God!

Is he okay?

God bless you.

You just shot a fucking cop. What the fuck happened?

They're fucking after me, Bobby.

They're after me. What the fuck are you talking about? They're after me. They're

all after me. Oh, it's you. You're after me now. You're on my mark. You've been

with them all along. You were always with them. Darryl, put the fucking gun

down, Darryl. You are. You are. You know what? It's the fucking end of the line.

It's the fucking end of the line, man. I'm telling you.

Everybody's going to die.

You always wanted to kill me, haven't you?

Oh, do it, Bobby. Go on, do it. Put the gun down, Gerald!

Please put the fucking gun down! Don't fucking do that!

You're not gonna be in the sequel, nigga.

I never hurt anybody.

I just... I'm ruined.

Whoa.

You thirsty?

I need a drink.

Chief, you've had a long, distinguished, successful career with the BPD.

Tell me, have you ever screwed up this badly?

Fuck you.

And there you have it. Make sure you go pick this shit up. In stores now,

motherfucker. So,

would you consider this black people music? What? We

did our best.

I swear to God, we did.

Unbelievable, because I heard that there is an officer missing a foot and three

dead bodies. So would you consider that a win tonight?

Yes, it is. For our chief, it is a win. We'll take that.

Amazing.

I can't believe you fucking killed a dude, Coop.

What, nigga? We killed a dude. I didn't kill nobody. Yes, you did, and his

brains are all over that fucking nail.

Oh.

Holy shit.

Look, Mike, are we going to do this or what?

The what?

You know, the contract, man. Let's just go and knock it out.

No, that's not happening.

What? Cooper, someone died in there.

Now we're done.

Mike Hawk is pulling out of this deal.

Good luck.

Told you he was a douche.

Uh, gentlemen, what could you tell us about what just went down here tonight?

Man, he's fucking got you. First of all, this shit was fucking lit. Oh, sir,

this was live television.

Fuck yeah, it is. Nigga, we motherfucking out here, man. Shout out

man. Shout out to Three and a Half, niggas that live in motherfucking Bend.

Shout out motherfucking Paradise Records and this bitch. We out here. It was

crazy as fuck, nigga, let me tell you. Niggas was jumping off the motherfucking

roof. Ah!

Niggas had the guns.

Bullets was going through the motherfucking shop and shit. Hit my

record, by the way. And we was in that bitch motherfucking fighting for our

lives in that motherfucker.

She was crazy as fuck. Right, Coop?

Cooper Johnson, you are the owner of this record store. And I can't forget

motherfucking blood that was all on that nigga's face. Shit was splattering

everywhere. I saved a couple bitches' lives, and I had a fucking big -ass toe

that was sitting on the side of my motherfucking face, nigga. Now, I love

I suck, Tom. Okay, there. So, anyway, Cooper Johnson, somewhat of a hero as

here in Bend, Oregon tonight.

The question on everyone's mind, what are you going to do with the cash

What?

The cash reward for the capture of the armed assailants, dead or alive.

Yo, what? Yeah, nigga, shop ain't dead. Nigga, we turned up. Hold on, wait,

wait, wait.

Hold on, wait. Shut up.

There's a fucking reward?

Yes, sir.

What is your plan?

How much is it? $14 ,000!

Fuck!

Niggas, I don't fuck with them.

Niggas, I don't know them.

Hoes, I don't fuck with them. Hoes, I don't know them.

Niggas, I don't fuck with them. Niggas, I don't know them.

Hoes, I don't fuck with them. I know this sucker from the suburbs.

Who with this other motherfucker on the outskirts? Tried to get but the cat

caught up in that shit, sir.

Did you niggas feel out to get paid down for lucha?

Nailed it.

Finally, nigga. Shit.

Yo, if I had done that any sooner, we'd probably be dead right now.

So there's that.

You right, nigga.

Remember, everything happens for a reason, Coop.

Speaking of which, I can't believe we actually get to keep this place. We

the shop, nigga.

Yes, we did. We did. We family.

Nigga.

Okay, but just make sure you're here at 9 .30. Don't fucking matter. You still

work here. 9 .30? Yeah, motherfucker.

Nigga, at least 10, Coop. I'm trying to fucking turn up tonight, my nigga. Shit.

Nigga, you better turn up on time, okay?

All right?

Boy, nigga, you so white, you was born with season tickets to NASCAR, Jeff

Gordon.

You so black, you bleed grits, nigga.

Nigga, fuck that. I like grits with a little sugar in it, my nigga. At least I

don't fucking look like Mr.

Burns.

Smithers, release the hounds on this negro.

You a fool, man. I love you, bro.

I love you, too, nigga. No, nigga, like I love you.

I love you more, nigga. All right.

Like Barney love you, you know? Yeah, whatever.

Staying in a circle and singing and shit. Can you just get the fuck out of

All right, nigga, love you. All right, 9 .30. Yeah, whatever, nigga. I'm

serious.

Oh. You got that money? What? You got that money?

Hello there.

Cough up that dough. You got that money? Remember we said four and a half hours?

You actually get six and a half hours. Look at it.

He got it. He got it. Good boy. Okay. All right. All right. Yes, he did. Let

ask you a question, kid.

You believe in God?

I mean, I believe in something.

You should believe in God.

Also, fuck your mother.

Oh.

Oh.

Paradise.

Welcome to Paradise Records. This is where I'll be when the world ends.

Welcome to Paradise Records.

Bury me here with all my friends.

Welcome to Paradise Records.

You know where to find me when I'm dead.

Hobbits, wizards, nigga, Yoda and them niggas. All that shit. Gay as fuck, bro.

Ooh. How can you say that? Wait, I'm sorry. Take it back. Yoda is Star Wars,

motherfucker. Well, he is, like, Hobbit, ain't he?

No, no. Just saying. Just saying.

What, are you afraid to get a little butt fucked?

Get a little butt fucked?

Oh,

shit. Who? Oh, shit. There's a fucking spider on your back, bro.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Wait, he doesn't tell, you mean like, like Helen Keller?

No, no, no, he leaves his attic, so it's all good.

Okay,

okay, okay, okay, okay.

Do it one more time, one more time.

Oh, don't do that.

Eileen, remember that. Little fucker, nigga, when was you going to tell us,

Tell us what?

That our fucking, something's going on and I can't explain it.

I'm going to go to the Shaved Kitty because it's happy hour.

Never do business on an empty stomach and a full sack.

Grandpa Hawk taught me that.

Oh, cut.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, Coop, I told you that bitch was stealing, nigga. Let's go get her ass.

Fuck. Get the bitch.

Rubber racket.

Oh, my God.

I wasn't even supposed to be here today. No, I'm just kidding.

What about you, Kevin? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we ain't got no gun, fool. What

type of fucking fantasy are you living in? Oh, I just farted. I'm so sorry,

everybody.

Fucking root came down like bam. Nigga had a bazooka looking motherfucker.

Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. I pushed Cooper out the way.

Saved that motherfucker.

Hit a nigga with the motherfucking yo -yo.

Keep going, keep going, keep going. Hold on, let me call on the guy online.

Keep going, nigga, hurry up.

Hit the camera. Don't hit the camera, man.

All right, I got what I need.

You fucked that up.

I mean!

Lenny.

Johnson. Whatever you fucking need.

I am not selling my vinyl store to Mike

Hawk. Period.

All right?

This is not a Mike Hawk production. This is not a Mike Hawk business space.

Mike Hawk will own this.

My kid's got a white mom.

Hell, yeah, nigga. I bet she's fine as hell, too.

Give me an alt on that.

Nice, nigga. I bet she's thicker than a snicker, too.

Another one.

Damn, nigga, what she look like, goddamn Peg Bundy?

Okay, and give me another one.

Goddamn, boy, I bet she got good credit, too.

All right, give me another one.

She'd be cooking that broccoli casserole and shit.

Hawk, V -Lite, J .J. Abram.

I'll just wait because people are talking outside.

See, that's a tip for all the actors in here.

Just blame everyone else for your fuck -ups.

Eileen!

Please, please.

J .J., what?

Oh, no, his name is J .J. I was just going to say, please refer to him as J

not J .J. But you told me, please.

Yes, sir.

Like...

Oh, that's the softest shit I've ever heard a motherfucking director say in my

life. Boy, don't go back to hip -hop, nigga.