Original subtitles

Honey, jiggle the handle.

Can't we get that fixed?

After our down payment

we've got about $8.00 left.

All right, then, I'll jiggle.

Mark...

Mm-hmm?

Whoa, Mark.

We have to go to work.

I'm working.

Are you sure you want to do this?

I never realized

living in an apartment was so inhibiting.

All these walls are ours.

It makes me want to go buy handcuffs.

Mmm.

I love this house!

I can't believe we got in.

It was only a five-minute dip in the market.

And you were right on top.

Know what I want to do?

What?

Buy one of those big, vulgar televisions.

Ooh, yeah.

And those tacky pink flamingos for the lawn.

Are those deductible?

We can deduct the shit out of everything.

Oh, Mark! Ooh!

Yeow!

Oh, rats.

What?

These are all postmarked three weeks ago.

Did you call the post office?

I called them, I sent forms,

I sacrificed animals in front of the mailbox.

Who do you know in New Jersey?

Let me see.

An old girlfriend?

Could be.

Hey! It's from my cousin Fred.

You never mentioned a Fred.

Sure I did... ever-ready Freddy.

He and his wife

want to spend their vacation with us.

That sounds fun. When?

Today.

Are you sure they wouldn't be

more comfortable in a hotel?

Jessie!

It's just houseguests.

It'll be fun.

Bye.

I don't know, Mark.

It sounds like a disaster to me.

Wes, we're talking five days.

Chernobyl only took five minutes,

and it didn't come in to I.A.X. At rush hour.

This is family.

Morning, peppi.

Good morning, Mark.

The grindle meeting started?

Just now.

I give it three minutes.

What do you mean?

Martin son's going to woof it.

He busted his ass on this.

He's asking everybody

to turn to page six in their prospectus.

No. One minute.

What's wrong with page six?

Morning, Lori. Copy those, please.

Mark?

He's suggesting a major investment in slaughter security.

So?

Grindle caught his second wife in the merger mode

with a slaughter junior executive.

Bob, we can work something out.

We can explore...

Nobody explores with my passbooks!

Bring around my car!

Bob, please.

12% growth with companies

that don't sleep with my wife...

A simple thing to ask!

I can get you that, Mr. Grindle.

Who are you?

Mark bannister, sir.

He's one of our brightest.

Martins on was somewhat adventurous,

but I guaranteei can build you a portfolio

that's not only conservative...

But aggressive.

You'll be earning 14% in 3 months.

14?

Ok. Last chance.

Amaze me.

I want your suggestions for a new portfolio

on my desk by closing...

I can't believe you're courting Bob grindle.

I won't wind up like martinson.

And kroft and gurvitz...

I am in complete control.

Jacob, do you want a time-out?

Go wait in the car.

Excuse me. What's your secret summer fantasy?

Chloroform.

Ooh! A date with Tom Cruise.

A date with Tom Cruise.

These space people come down in this big spaceship

and eat my mom and dad.

What's your secret summer fantasy?

Got a question, Los Angeles?

Let me know. I'll find the answer.

Karen?

That was Jessica bannister, our question girl.

Thanks, Jessica.

Coming up next...

Some hot ideas on how to stay cool.

Clear.

Whew!

Oh, Jessie?

Hi, Russell. What's up?

I'm thinking about trying you out on the 8:00 report.

That's great!

But it's a harder news hour,

so we'll have to toughen your image.

I can work on that.

Uh, I'd like to go over

some question arenas.

What?

I can't believei put off Russell fenn

when he wanted to discuss my big break.

I wanted to make

the in-person airport gesture.

I know, honey. It's ok.

Thank you.

Wait'll you get a hold of this guy.

Girls used to hang all over him.

Is that him?

No.

Here's a good-looking guy.

Is this him?

No. He's too young.

You look that young.

You do!

Well, thank you.

Fred?

Pudge.

Pudge?

Hi.

Ooh!

God, it's great to see you.

We're here! Terra firm a.

That's my wife bernice.

Bernie.

Hello.

Hi. Oh, we're family.

I've heard so much about you.

Uh-oh.

Hi there. I'm Jessie.

Hi.

She looks just like a movie star, doesn't she?

Much better.

See, our TV's on the blink...

They don't want to hear about our TV.

Tell them the big news.

We're, uh...

Pregnant!

That's great. Congratulations.

Well, we do have something to celebrate.

The station Jessie works for

is about to give her a big promotion.

And Mark just got a major assignment.

I just got canned.

Let's get the luggage.

There's another one, the decorative plaid.

They were out of zebra.

It weighs a ton.

What's in here, bowling balls?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, yes. Wait.

Move everybody out.

That's the one!

Move everybody out!

Baby, you made it.

Is you all right?

Come on.

Did your little ears explode?

Fred, you didn't mention anything about a pet.

Scruffy bannister, meet your cousins,

Mark and Jessie.

Whoa!

Oh!

No, no. It's an inexpensive dress.

Did he hurt you?

No.

Is this terrible heat bothering you?

You don't look so good, baby.

So, Fred,

what did you do before getting laid off?

I worked in a sewage treatment plant, pudge.

The best part about that

was the goodies that came down the pipes.

Sounds, uh, great.

Yeah. One time I found a genuine snakeskin wallet

with 80 bucks in it.

I had to clean it up a little.

Oh! I can't believe this traffic.

Scruffy's going to go on your carpet.

Don't let him under our seat.

He looks nauseous.

What the hell?

I'm sorry. Scruffy's never been carsick.

It's in my ear!

Look, the windows are stuck...

I can't believe a cat's stomach holds so much.

A little club soda

will take that right out.

Go play.

Ooh, earth tones.

Hides the dirt.

Well, welcome to L.A.

Oh, oh, yeah. It's...

What? Oh, nothing.

No, no, no. What?

It's a little small.

Smaller than we pictured.

It's awfully small.

Come on.

I'll show you your room.

Well, here we are.

Bernice, this ok?

Oh, sure. I mean,

I don't mind sleeping on a, uh... Tofu...

If the baby doesn't.

I cannot believe you gave them our bedroom, Mark.

Our little haven of privacy.

I'm sorry.

She is pregnant, after all.

It's obviously been a little rough on Fred.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

That guy in there's a wreck,

like some pod version

of the Fred I grew up with.

Mark, it is only for five days.

That's right.

They are trying to be nice.

Fred gave us these watches.

How can he afford cartiers?

He just lost his job fishing stuff from the sewer.

I'm sorry we lost touch.

Hey!

What?

Polar bear squad!

Oh, gee.

Ok, ready?

Brrr.brrr.

Grrr! Grrr!

Ya ya ya. Ya ya ya.

Oh.

All right. Camp redfern forever.

Ha ha ha!

Ok.

What?

Oh.

Well, we're family, right?

I'm just going to come on out and ask you.

Entre nous, how much did it cost?

What?

Come on. I saw that nose in cosmo.

I know you all do it out here. That's fine.

I didn't have my nose done.

Sorry.

You don't have to be ashamed with me, hon.

It's only the trained eye of a beautician

that can see that.

There's this great guy in Trenton, Dr. Nick.

I've considered getting it done myself.

Maybe something to lift my eyes up, show my teeth.

Cute. Excuse me one second.

My cousin went to Dr. Nick.

Got a free set of ginsu knives

and her old nose in a jar of formaldehyde.

I think I know what's wrong with Fred.

Hey, pudge, remember the o'boyski twins?

Mark, what is this pudge deal?

Why do you call him pudge?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Ha ha ha!

Is that you?

Oh, my god!

Hey, pudge.

Horizontal stripes! Ugh!

Which one are you, Fred?

That's him blowing the thing in my face.

How many reels of this stuff did you bring, Fred?

A couple dozen.

You're a barrel of laughs!

Hey.

I'm sorry, I, um...

My god, did you ever do anything but eat?

Well, apparently not.

Oh, he's touchy.

When you told me you were big for your age,

I thought you meant you were tall!

Oh, god, what are you doing?

Mark, you had breasts!

Oh, that's a game we used to play...

Macy's Thanksgiving parade.

Yes!

Oh, ow. I'm having labor movements. Stop.

I'm going to get something to drink, all right?

Aah! Ha ha ha!

Oh, oh, please, grab a snack while you're there.

Aah!

You're history!

All right, strike three. He's out of there.

Hey, pudge.

Haven't lost that old pitching arm, huh?

Enough, enough, enough.

Rise and shine, lazybones!

We got a big day ahead of us.

We do?

Hey, watch the vulva.

It's not working.

Stop jiggling. I'm kind of gassy.

No more. I feel sick.

Oh, ah!

Ah!

Aw.

Mmm. Graumann's Chinese.

I've always wanted to eat here!

Joan Crawford!

She beat her kids with a coat hanger.

Come on!

Mommy! Ahh!

Ow, Fred! You're pressing on my prenatal bloat!

Ahh.

Aah!

Come on, squeeze in.

All right, everybody say trick.

Hon, you got the traveler's checks?

You put them in your pocket this morning.

I watched you.

I don't...

Did you call the traveler's check people?

Their machine said they're on vacation.

They'll be back after labor day.

I told him not to buy them

from some guy in the K-Mart parking lot.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

What's this?

Jessie and I can't see everything with you guys.

You shouldn't miss any hot spots.

Probably take you the rest of your vacation

just to see all that.

Jeez, there's lots of great stuff on here,

but we're broke.

Thanks anyway.

Here.

No, no, no, Mark.

Oh, Fred, come on.

Fred...

We'd rather spend the rest of our vacation

just sitting right here.

Take my car. We insist.

Ah, yes.

You know something? That's the best $300 we ever invested.

Mark? Hmm?

When do your cousins get back?

Not for several hours.

New fabric softener.

Oh, um...

Forget it.Yes.

Woman: JESSA?

It's my sister!

Oh, no.

It's my sister!

Honey, my blouse. Hand me it.

I'll get rid of her.

The pants!

Just tell her we're not here.

Jessa!

All right.

Claudia, this isn't a good time.

Kaddir kicked me out!

Jessa!

So then kaddir didn't actually kick you out.

That's a matter of opinion.

Does he know you're gone?

He barely knows I'm alive.

He cut my allowance.

He cut her allowance, honey.

To what, 9, o00 a month?

Makes me drive his old Jaguar.

Some people have worse problems.

Like who?

People who don't have cars.

Who cares about them?

Hi, kaddir! Yeah, salaam back at you.

He found your note.

I won't talk to him.

Right. She's...

He wanted to know if you were here.

Why?

Why?

To let you know

he canceled your credit cards.

What? That middle-eastern maggot!

He wants to talk to you.

He can talk to my lawyer!

Yes, she's very upset about your love spat.

Right. I under... Uh-huh.

He says he'll forget everything

if you fix dinner for him.

Grind some glass! Turn down the TV!

Kaddir, she's too grief-stricken. Call her back.

Hello, kaddir. You listen. I cannot live on that.

I cannot live on that.

Do not speak Farsi to me, kaddir.

Stop it!

That's it. That is it!

I want it.

A duck for dinner. A nice degas painting.

I want... don't!

A divorce.

Honey, honey, wait.

She said the "d" word.

She didn't mean it.

Shit! She means it every time.

She's going to a hotel.

We're not taking her in.

If your idiot cousins can stay with us,

we can take in my sister

who's been thrown out without a nickel.

Jessa, do you have any good scotch?

Put it over here.

A little more this way.

A couple of days, Claudia. That's it.

As if I wanted to live in a garret.

Now, madam, if you need anything else,

don't hesitate to get it yourself.

Get out.

Ooh, I missed you.

Eee!

Mark?

How anybody with half a brain...

Eee!

Could drop a whole day's worth of film

into the la brea tar pits.

Eee, eee!

Stop beeping.

Shamu hits you once,

you think you're a porpoise.

Jessa?

Would you go ahead?

I don't want to strain my uterine wall.

Eee, eee, eee, eee!

Eee!

Aah!

Aah!

Fred, you'll break my dragon!

Aah!

Aah!

Ohh!

I didn't know anybody's eyes could be that red.

What was I supposed to think? They looked insane.

We're not insane. We're from New Jersey.

Yeah, the garden state.

Ooh, deja vu.

You two have the same nose.

They must have had a two-for-one special, huh?

What?

You know, at the chop shop.

I told that butcher not to make it too perfect!

He didn't make it too perfect.

She has some bizarre nose fetish.

See, he left one nostril bigger than the other.

I had a deviated septum.

Excuse me.

I was thinking maybe I can interview you two

for this new budget beauty book I'm trying to write.

I'm calling it pretty for peanuts. Get it?

Play with the cat, bernice.

Where is scruffy? Scruffy bannister!

He was in the kitchen.

It's too perky, isn't it?

No, it's perfect.

Aah!

Dear god...

Here lies the body of scruffy bannister,

our beloved companion.

$42 worth of angelfish.

Why don't we just flush it down the toilet?

Not our toilet.

Why?

Why do you always take the good ones?

Sleep well, little prince.

Mark.

There's something in there.

Mark.

You asleep?

God!

Aah!

Honey, honey, look! A dead cat! He's alive!

You all right?

He's not in the bag anymore!

I'm carrying an uzi!

Scruffy!

Oh, baby!

It's a miracle.

Oh, mommy's so sorry for burying you alive.

Yes, she is.

Pee-yoo! Is that you or this kitchen?

Anthony, listen to me. Forget tropicorp, ok?

Orange juice stock isn't worth a shit

after the cold and flu season.

COLORADO T & T's COMING DOWN.

Buy 1,000 shares once it hits bernice.

Yeah. What?

I'm sorry. Once it hits 99.

Thank you.

Uh, Mark? Stark wants to see an update

on the grindle portfolio.

Oh, yes.

Wait a second, pal.

What?

You're shedding.

Oh, Jesus! It's Felix the rat.

I opened a can of peaches.

There was cat hair inside it.

I've been coughing up fur balls.

So when do you get rid of these people?

Today!

Give me another hug.

When the baby comes,

we'll have to all come visit you again.

Or pictures. Pictures are worth a thousand words.

Fred's going to have a baby cam during the birth,

but I'm going to cover up my unmentionables.

Oh, please do. Please, honey. Bye-bye.

Hon, I had so much fun.

I know this wasn't easy for you guys.

Oh, no. Come on.

Bernice can be a little handful.

You have to visit us in Jersey.

We will.

The turnpike's beautiful in spring and fall.

I can't think of anything...

Hey, Fred, come say good-bye.

You're going to be late.

You take care.

Aah!

I'm on the ground.

Honey!

Don't touch me.

Don't move your head.

Honey, you all right?

See if anything fell out.

I'm going to have a flat baby.

I'm going to call my doctor.

No L.A. quacks.

I need my real doctor. Call Dr. Jack penix.

Yeah. Right.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

I feel the zygote splitting.

I don't want twins!

Trenton, New Jersey.

For a Dr. Jack penix.

With an "x."

Stop it!

It's not my foot.

Don't touch me.

Get away. Where you going?

Yes?

He said to get her to the nearest bed

as quickly as possible.

Ok. That's fine.

It isn't fine. She has to stay here.

Yes, of course, she'll stay here.

How long?

For the rest of her pregnancy.

Ow!

Easy, easy, easy, easy.

Oh, god!

Oh, god!

I lost all feeling in my womb.

How am I supposed to stay like this

for six months?

This is just stupid. I'm getting my doctor.

No! Never.

I need a man of science, not some ass-lifter.

Whatever we do has to be real cheap.

Since I lost my job, no...

Medical coverage.

Hi, Mr. Bannister.

Want to bounce?

No, Katy. There are laws.

How many times did I tell you

not to play with dolls?

Dale.

What's the problem... Espresso machine down?

No. No, no.

More artichoke leaves down your disposal?

No.

What's the problem?

Aah!

How's that, all right?

Lower, you ape!

Don't get excited, honey.

Guess what? I got my first period today.

That ought a do her.

No thanks necessary.

Name the bugger after me.

Yeah, sluggo bannister.

Right.

I feel like a human swing set here.

Don't touch that. Aah!

I could drywall her into your basement.

I'll keep that in mind, Dale.

We never should have come, pudge.

Fred, stop talking like that.

Also, please, do me a favor.

Don't call me pudge anymore.

Ok.

Stretch.

Look at you.

You're living the life.

You got a nice house,

you paid too much...

It's still very nice.

The real estate market has gone crazy out here.

You're important at your office.

And you got a wonderful wife.

Yeah.

To wonderful wives.

Bernice is giving me cancer.

Stop talking like that. Listen to yourself.

You let that woman walk all over you.

You got to stand up to her.

What happened to the Fred I knew in high school...

The Fred who could have any girl in the senior class,

when he was a freshman,

a guy who could break up any class without trying?

I don't know.

Somewhere between graduation

and the Jerry Lewis telethon...

I just lost it.

Hear that?

Bernadette.

Remember her?

What was her last name?

Um... Bernadette moizecracken.

Her father owned a battery shop.

Beverly.

Bernadette. Don't you remember?

Beverly.

We did the choreography.

You built a dance routine,

started it in gym class.

It started like this...

The pelvis thrusting thing.

Show me how it's done.

You thought it up.

Get your hemorrhoids off the bar stool,

show me how it's done.

Hey!

Come on.

Yeah!

Get it in. Get it tight. Get it greasy.

All right. Come on.

Clear for takeoff.

Ha ha ha!

Little rusty.

Took me awhile to get going.

What you have, you don't lose.

Way to go.

Jessie!

What? He's gone.

Who's gone? Fred's gone!

I've been abandoned.

No, wait.

We don't know that for sure.

"I went to find

the Fred bannister I used to be."

Where did he get that crap?

Fred!

Fred!

Fred! Fred!

What did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything.

I said he should stand up for himself.

You saw what a wreck he was.

He was her wreck.

She liked him like that.

She craves human sacrifice, and he was it.

Let's just call the police.

A guy leaves his wife. They'll rush over.

Let's hire a detective.

We can't afford that.

Maybe Claudia can watch bernice

while we're at work.

Your sister would smother the woman in her sleep.

Mark! Oh, Mark!

How the hell am I supposed to pee?

You deal with your evil twin.

Don't make me do this.

Wouldn't you, just this once,

like to handle something like an adult?

No.

Pouting makes wrinkles.

Jessa, please.

By the end of the week,

he'll be on his knees begging.

That gate was not here yesterday.

Neither was slaughter security.

Kaddir, this is Jessie.

I know you can hear me.

It took a lot for Claudia to come here

and try and work this out.

She deserves a little credit.

That's the last thing in the world she needs.

She bleeds me dry.

You want to see blood?

Let me in, I'll slash your throat.

Try to come in, I'll sell you to bedouins.

That's it.

Don't you choke my cherub.

Kaddir, Claudia loves you.

I do not!

You do, too.

I think you can see hydrolux is a real comer.

They're young,

but they've got the trust of the state department,

and they've just acquired a major contract from the Navy.

I'd like to make them the cornerstone of your new portfolio.

Navy, huh?

I was a swabbie once myself.

No?

Excuse me, Mark.

Line two's for you. I'll call back.

I think you ought to take this.

She says it's an emergency.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Bernice, what...

I don't know what time wheel of fortune is on.

I left the TV guide on the dresser.

Yes, I realize you're in chains.

Could you please just try...

Good-bye.

Sorry.

That was an emergency?

Well, yes, actually.

In some warped, alternate universe.

Bernice: NOT SO FAST, MISSY!

It's time to shift my butt!

Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Aah!

Mark!

Ow!

Mark!

Jessie!

Move to the right.

You're blowing my coiffure

all over the place.

Oh, look! A bust of my pussy!

It's so majestic. I gotta have it.

An iced tea.

With lemon.

In a nice glass.

Stemware!

Jiggle the handle.

How do you handle stress?

Take a fistful of valium.

I get drunk.

Real drunk.

Polka! Polka!

Bust somebody...

Anybody.

Pump iron.

Meditation.

Sex.

Excuse me, sir.

Wait a second. No camera.

We're from channel 12 news.

We're doing a survey. How do you handle stress?

Usually I, uh...

Find the source of the stress

and break his legs.

How much...

How much does something like cost?

It all depends

on how much stress is involved.

Usually about $200.

What could you get for 100?

100?

A kneecap or something.

200 is usually the rate.

What if that's your budget?

What could you get?

If you're having money problems,

you could do something like this.

I also produce independent films.

I couldn't do anything like that.

You got a good look.

This could be a beautiful thing.

Ok, thanks.

You know where to find me.

Cut that last part.

Come in.

What's that?

Strategy.

There are plenty of old acquaintances

dying to sweep me off my feet.

Ranked in financial order?

This is no time to beat around the bush.

What is that asterisk?

Over 80.

Don't you think

you could give kaddir another chance?

He tried to crush me with his automatic gate.

I think he made his feelings quite clear.

Jonathan.

Hi, mom.

Hi, honey.

Hi, aunt Jess.

Is kaddir ready to apologize?

He threw me out.

Damn!

Anyway...

Uncle Mark?

I need a place to crash.

This is not a good time.

Of course you can stay here, darling.

Thanks.

Uncle Mark, um...

Yes, Jonathan.

I think I just ran over your cat.

Dear god,

here lies the body of scruffy bannister.

And this time it's for real.

In your infinite wisdom,

you saw fit to give him back to me once,

but you ripped him from my bosom again.

What you guys doing?

Cat funeral.

Can I have him?

No.

What would you do with a dead cat?

I'll keep him in the freezer till school starts.

You disgusting little ghoul.

Who are you, its mother?

Ow!

And get me out

of this little piece of hell on earth

you call California.

Amen.

I'll kill you again, kitty litter breath.

Jerram, I understand.

Some other time then.

Right.

Bye.

You pathetic worm.

Not going so well, huh?

Married. Turned gay.

Married. In jail... Malpractice.

Dead!

Marriage material's getting tough to find.

Claudia.

What would you say to a nice, handsome, divorced car dealer?

Foreign or domestic?

You think you can foist me off

on some total stranger,

but I'm telling you, if I don't like...

Is that his?

Lead on.

Here she is.

Well, hello.

Jess says you and your boy need a place to stay.

That's right.

Be my guest.

I can't believe it.

They were like two sex magnets

straining not to slam into each other.

I know the feeling.

Let's make love.

We'll start right here

and wind up in the begonias.

Whoo!

What about bernice?

I threw some raw meat in.

She'll be fine.

I can't believe you're old enough

to be Jonathan's mom.

I'm not.

Huge neighborhood scandal, the nuns...

Something burning?

Hmm?

Dad, can we get some marshmallows?

Shut up.

I cannot believe it.

16 pairs of Italian pumps incinerated.

C.k., you get those fireworks out of there?

Yeah.

Well...

Most of them.

Oh!

My tools.

My tools.

Your tools? My shoes.

Back off, gold card.

I just lost my goddamn house.

What's the big fuss?

Even a cretin like you must have insurance.

It ought to kick in in three months.

What about my kids?

Send them to a hotel. Anyone who owns a lotus...

It's a perk for selling them.

So, bannister, what are we going to do about this?

Make sure fangster stays in his box.

Waste of a good belt.

Put that stuff down. Get me a scotch.

Just make yourself comfortable.

Rhonda, you won't believe it.

Our house burned down.

These are all I could find.

Fine. Just give them to somebody.

We don't have to do this.

Yes, we do

if we want to avoid a lawsuit for arson.

Does this fold out?

Hey, Mr. Bannister,

guess what didn't burn up?

I'm calling about the room

for $300 a month.

It is?

Terrific.

Um, immediately.

Um...

Seven people.

Uh-huh. That's great, Phil.

By the way,

what's happening with your guest house?

Uh-huh. How long is she expected to live?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You hang up first.

No. You.

Brenda.

I can hear you breathing.

Jonathan, did your grandmother

send you a birthday check?

Grandma's dead, mom.

No, Brenda. You hang up first.

No, you.

Brenda.

Hey, did they get another cat?

No, it's the same one.

They buried him alive. Cool.

Don't you be getting any ideas.

But if they can Bury him, I can, too.

You get permission first.

No.no.

Bernice: DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME HAVING DINNER!

I'll just lick the crumbs

off my filthy sheets!

Yoo-hoo.

Aah!

Whoa!

Jessie!

What is it?

Don't look in there.

What do they want?

They want...

To stay here.

Why, Mark, why?

Maybe we're in some vacation guide for the damned.

Aah!

Help! Mark!

I got them.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

Get out!

Oh, aah!

Oh, Mark.

Who the hell dressed you people?

Get out of my hou...

No!

No.

Jessie, run.

Leave her.

Leave... leave her alone.

Jess. Leave Jessie.

Oh.

Take bernice.

There's no more. Don't.

I don't have any more guest towels.

I don't have any more towels.

Mark.

Honey, I know you're frustrated.

Oh, god. Honey. I'm not in the mood. Just...

What?

Je-Jessie?

Hmm?

I'm way over here. What?

Aah!

Have you guys seen fangster?

Mark.

What?

We have to do something about these people.

Yes. Uh-huh.

I have only one question.

Do they all have to pass out flowers

at the airport?

Uh-huh.

And shave their heads?

Thank you.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Look, uncle Mark, I've been watching you,

having to take care of all of us.

And, um... So I'm job-hunting.

And I thought, maybe...

I was wondering if, uh...

You know.

You mean, something here?

Ooh.

I don't think so, Jonathan.

Well, that's cool.

I just wanted to get my own place.

I'll call personnel.

Well, no special treatment or anything.

I'll start anywhere. The mail room would be great.

Frank, this is my nephew Jonathan.

Take good care of him, ok?

Welcome aboard, Jonathan.

Wow. Great stamps.

I got a collection.

Good. If you need anything, you call me.

My mom was wrong.

You're not an asshole.

I-I'll be out of your hair

in no time.

Hi. Bernice. Hi, yes.

How are you? Good.

Yeah, I want the wings of the night.

My nails go with it.

Oh, I lost one.

Yeah, send it c.O.D., hon.

Oh, yeah, toot-toot from me.

Ok. Bye-bye, hon.

Jessa, what pumps do you wear with this?

No, that's pee for Dr. Penix' test.

He's checking the ovum count.

You want me to mail urine to New Jersey?

Would you?

Um, wait, wait.

I need your opinion.

These are my favorite names for the baby...

Amaretta, endive, caramel, or treblinka.

Yokel. Naming a baby after a German concentration camp.

I thought treblinkawas a fairy in cinderella.

You moron.

I hope my water breaks on your fur coat!

You ok?

Remember when that was our room?

Yes, I know,

in the days before time.

Baby...

I hate those people.

Jonathan got a job. It's going to get better.

Right now, it's you and me, all alone...

Right here, in the closet.

There.

I don't think he'll be coming back this time.

What does the c.K. Stand for anyway?

Confirmed kills,

but I might change it to cat killer.

What do you think?

I think we have a problem.

C.k.,

do you know what happens

when you cram too many laboratory rats

into the same cage?

They turn into fags.

Some do. Others turn into cannibals.

They tear each other apart.

Minimizing the space by blowing rooms apart

really aggravates the situation.

It's just so boring here.

Listen, you psychotic little shit.

Get your act together,

or you'll be a face on a milk carton.

You touch me, I sue you.

I got a lawyer on retainer.

Hi, hi. Hi, honey.

Hear that noise outside? C.K.'S mowing the lawn.

All he needed was some discipline,

some positive motivation.

We can control this situation,

be the captains of our destiny.

Things are looking up.

I think this will work out,

don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Shoot them.

Strangle them.

Cook them in the oven!

Hide his medication. Huh? What?

Kindness.

Oh...

They have a clean bill of health?

Then I guess I'd use Insulin.

INJECT 30 CCs INTO A FRECKLE.

Bingo. All the symptoms

of a massive coronary.

A hammer, definitely a hammer.

I don't know, clorox in the bean dip?

Jessie, we're back.

How would you murder someone?

If you have a question, Los Angeles...

Ask somebody else.

I swear to god, I don't know the answers.

I don't know anything.

Well, that's quite an interesting question, Jessica.

I'm sure that's crossed everybody's mind

now and then.

How would you murder someone?

If you were desperate to get rid of them

because they were driving you

out of your mind?

Well, I'd probably...

It looks like Insulin's the way to go,

from what that doctor said.

Like you can just tap dance into a drugstore

and get that stuff?

Please! Oh, and that clorox bit.

There is a real winner.

Those people were up all night with the runs,

and they refuse to jiggle the handle.

What are you talking about?

House guests.

I am talking about house guests from hell.

She's losing it.

Listen to me. No, get that snack later.

You listen to me.

Lock your doors. Don't answer the phone.

If you have to, leave the country,

but don't let them in.

Don't let them fool you. They're very tricky.

They might look like your mother, your father,

or your best friend,

but they're animals.

They're cockroaches.

If we have a nuclear war,

the only living thing to survive

will be house guests!

We'll be right back...

With weather.

Mark?

Hello?

Hey, buddy!

Excuse me!

Have you seen Mark?

Huh?

Have you seen Mark?

Upstairs, I think.

Are the, uh, bannisters doing a little remodeling?

I guess you might say that, yes.

I'm building bleachers for the TV set.

Sure, sure you are.

Ok. Sure.

Another one.

Thank god.

Move, dork!

You repulsive little midget!

Next time, flush!

Excuse me. Have you seen Mark bannister?

Well, he was in the kitchen.

Mark, my chains are squeaking!

It's time for my lube job!

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

Sure.

Sure.

Come on, scruffy. Let's go visit Mr. Microwave.

I'll make you a cat souffle.

Come on.

Excuse me, son?

Have you, uh, seen Mark bannister?

Backyard.

Shit, look at what you made me do.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Jessie?

God, you're not moving in, too, are you?

Huh? No.

Mark didn't come in to work, though,

and your phone's been off the hook.

Mark, what the hell's going on?

Well, I didn't sleep too good last night.

At 4:00 in the morning, the sprinklers went off.

I believe there's a short

in one of these extension cords.

No, I mean them.

Why don't you get rid of them?

Oh, no.

Then I will.

No, we've tried that.

It just makes more.

We just hand over our paychecks,

stay out of their way...

It's for the best.

You got to listen to me.

If you don't work, you won't have a paycheck.

Hey, big guy, come back to me, ok?

Hydrolux... down 32 points.

Grindle has gone completely ape.

We got to go. What should I do?

We got to go to work.

Got to go to work.

Bye, Jessie.

Don't be late for dinner, honey.

I won't. What are we having?

Just squab again.

Oh, god. What happened here?

Well, uh, you know...

Crackpots file indictments for lawsuits every day.

Even the Navy can make a mistake.

No, I didn't know that.

I guess I missed the wall street journal

all last week.

No, don't worry. I'm sorry.

Your hydrolux stock will be sold immediately.

Bannister!

Yes?

Explain this.

The grindle situation is under control.

That's not what I'm talking about.

What?

Almost $6,000 worth of calls to South America...

From your office.

Obviously it's a mistake.

I've never made these.

Oh? Who did?

How the hell do I...

I will find out.

You do that.

Jonathan, do you know anything about these phone...

You got another one of these packages.

What packages?

These. Didn't you get them?

Jonathan said he'd take care of it. See you.

Aah!

Oh!

Bannister, what the hell are you doing?

Sorry.

Oh, Mark?

Can't you see I'm not in?

Aah!

Tiny, no!

Fred?

It's all right. Steady. Steady.

What the hell's going on?

I did it, pudge.

I did like you said.

Fred, I'll be right back.

Mark!

Meet tiny bannister.

This isn't a good time.

I followed my heart.

I found the real me.

You joined the circus?

No, I traveled.

I met interesting people. Well, shriners mostly.

Let me get rid of this box, then we'll...

Oh, god!

Howdy.

Do you own this animal?

What? Oh, no.

She's mine.

Do you have a permit?

No. We just got into town.

Is this your residence?

No.

Uh, but my wife's upstairs.

They got her strung up.

What?

She's all right. She just tried to stab me.

Excuse me?

Jonathan!

Jonathan!

Mark, did you see the elephant?

He's got diarrhea.

You are diarrhea.

Not the flower bed!

How do we radio this in?

I'll tell you how we radio it in.

Rock house.

Hey, uncle Mark.

What is this?

It's got your name on it.

I guess it's your cocaine, man.

3, baker, 63.

Possible rock house. Repeat, rock house.

Elephant on premises. Send backup.

Oh!

Mark, what's 1051 in Roman?

Hey, hey, get off the bed!

This is the police.

Come out with your hands up.

Oh!

Bastards wanna play hard ball, huh?

Call in the battering ram.

Ouch! Yike! Yike! Yike!

What the hell is this?

Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut!

Claud, what the hell's going on out there?

Men, lots of men.

What men?

The police. They're arresting your husband.

That's a good girl.

Now steady.

We're going back to the garage.

All right, now.

Real slow to the squad car.

Get your hands up.

Hey! Hey, you! Buddy!

What the hell are you doing out there?

Get off my new driveway!

Those pebbles are worth $600!

$600!

600,000...

You old fart.

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Russell, please.

I can't.

Please let me go on.

I swear to god I'm better now,

and I will never let my home life

affect my professional life again. Please?

This is my ass, Jessie.

Get in there.

Thank you, thank you.

10 seconds.

This is the channel 128:00 report.

Camera one, tape on 5, 4,

3, 2...

Good evening.

Our top story tonight...

A s.W.A.T. Team strike has been called in

on a Santa Monica home.

We now go live to field reporter Brad bovee.

Details are still a little sketchy,

but apparently police, suspecting cocaine on the premises,

have called in a full strike.

We've heard they have reason to believe

this is a rock house.

Uh, wait a minute. Someone's coming out.

Are you all right?

Yeah. That was cool.

Are we on TV?

Brenda, call me.

Are you the homeowner?

Hell, no. You're saying he was dealing drugs?

We don't...

I never did trust that guy.

It's them quiet, wimpy types

who get involved in this sort of thing.

Flipping out, raping, killing.

Karen, back to you until we make sense out of this.

This isn't your mama.

Thanks, Brad.

We understand that the homeowners

are being sought for questioning

and that that baby elephant you just saw

is apparently unlicensed

and will be taken into police custody.

We'll keep you updated

as this bizarre story unfolds.

I don't believe it.

More poisonous gases.

Investigators at this hour

are still trying to determine

the source of poisonous gases,

which rendered 12 employees

of the mid-Wilshire district businesses unconscious.

Jessie!

Thank god I found you.

Mark, what happened?

Our nephew is a drug czar.

Now I'm David janssen.

I had this whole...

The dow Jones plummeted again today.

Among the hardest hit was the hydrolux corporation,

which, amid allegations of fraud by the U.S. Navy,

fell a record 85 points.

Hydrolux president Robert nellins

was unavailable for comment.

Channel 12 news has learned, however,

he's on vacation in bora bora.

Great. I'm an unemployed David janssen.

I forgot to sell grindle's stock.

Shit, shit, shit! Come on, let's go.

I don't want to go. I'm staying in here.

Let's live here.

What?

Look, it's beautiful.

Everything's clean and nice,

and, oh, Mark, there's food in the re...

Look. Mock chicken pot pie. Mmm!

Come on. No!

You're not going to take me away.

Aah!

Jessie! Jessie!

Listen to me, Mark!

We can live on a soap opera set.

They'll never know we're here.

We can be the phantoms of channel 12.

Everything is going to be...

Don't say everything is going to be all right!

It's not going to be all right ever, ever, ever.

Honey, honey, honey, honey.

All right, listen, listen, all right.

Jessie, listen.

We'll, um...

We'll stay here tonight.

Tomorrow we're leaving town,

changing our names.

We're going to start over.

What about our house?

I don't give a damn about the house.

I don't care about our jobs or our stuff.

The only thing that matters...

Really matters...

Is us.

Oh, honey.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Let's grab what we can

and get out of here, ok?

Ok.

Yes, this is Dr. Penix calling from Trenton.

Bernice, I've been trying to reach you for weeks.

I've got your test results.

I don't know how to tell you this, but...

You're not pregnant.

What?

Dr. Penix just called,

and he said there is absolutely no way in the world

that you are pregnant.

You must have sent the wrong pee!

Look at that, bernice.

Your stomach's flat as a board.

I got a thin fetus!

Bernice, get over it and get out.

You're just jealous

because no sperm in his right mind

would swim up your shriveled canal!

Aah!

Let go of me!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Oh!

Oh!

Stay away from me, crazy lady.

Say it.

What?

I want to hear you say it.

All right. I guess...

I'm not pregnant, but I could have sworn...

I felt my breasts swelling, constipation, nauseous.

Say it!

Somebody help!

Aren't you going to do something?

Nah.

No.

I'm going to count to three, bernice. One...

I want a second opinion.

Two...

Oh.

Say it.

All right. We're leaving.

Fred, start packing!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, honey. It's over.

It's finally over.

Not quite.

Let's clean house.

Yeah. Kick ass.

Company! Company!

Aah!

Oh, sis!

Jessa's got a surprise for you!

You want to play?

Let's go, bannister!

Now let's play cuisinart.

Oh, Claudia.

Uh, I'm not decent!

Tell me something I don't know.

Calm down. I'll get you a valium.

You think you're real sharp, don't you?

People are, like, going totally mental.

Let me ask you a question.

Are you circumcised?

I'm warning you.

Those are Charles Jordan!

I want you to get your gold-digging, Lily-white ass

out of my house!

Ooh.

No!

Back off. Back off.

Ok, man, don't kill me.

Don't. Don't kill me.

You wimp.

I always figured you'd come up short in a clinch.

Come on!

Stay away from me!

Stay away from me!

Oof! What's this?

It's Jonathan.

Get the hell out of my house.

Back off!

Try that again, and I'll cut you. I swear.

Give me your keys!

Give me your car keys now!

Shut up!

Wouldn't you rather take the lotus?

Yeah.

That's an excellent idea. Take them.

Oops. I'm sorry about that.

You know what?

If we thought about this,

maybe we could work it out.

Bullshit!

You know, Jonathan, we're all family.

We could sit down, talk...

No way, man!

Let's call the prayer line.

Uncle Mark, you are a yuppie dickhead!

Well... get back.

One day I'll buy and sell people like you.

I'm going to make some noise.

We know you are.

Jonathan.

Move.

Hey, that's my fireworks!

Get away from that car! That's a loaner!

Stupid things didn't work.

They always work.

I am the king of this castle!

And I am his queen!

We will burn it to the ground

before we let any of you back in!

You parasites!

Are you the homeowners here?

That's right. What about it?

On behalf of the P.D.,

I've been authorized to issue an apology

for what happened last night.

We're prepared to pay for damages.

All the damages?

Yes, ma'am.

Wait. What about the criminal investigation?

There was some talk about pursuing that.

We found our hard evidence was missing.

What evidence?

The cat that dropped dead on your lawn...

Disappeared from the evidence room.

There'll be hell to pay over that one.

Yo!

Wa-wa-woo-woo!

Yay!

Iya iya iya iya iya!

Woo!

I've been looking all over for you!

Oh, yeah, grindle? Let me tell you something.

I've had it with loud-mouth bullies like you.

The Navy dropped the fraud charges.

Go ahead and fire me.

Hydrolux went up 157 points.

I made a bundle because of you.

You're the worst kind of arrogant...

I want you to work for me.

Putz!

I'll double your salary.

Screw you.

All right. Triple.

Screw you blue!

Senior vice-president

at four times your present salary.

That's my final offer... If that's ok.

Let me tell you something, asshole...

Honey, shut up.

We'll let you know.

Great!

Your kind of hardball's what I've been looking for.

We're going to make millions.

I don't believe we've met.

Uh, Bob grindle, ma'am.

And you are, uh...

Your wildest dreams come true, darling.

Lotus is definitely the car of the future.

When my insurance kicks in,

I'll be back on easy street.

In the meantime, I was wondering

if you had room for me and my wonderful kids.

Maybe.

I don't want to live with some cop.

You want Brussels sprouts three meals a day, punk?

Yo, baby. Chop chop!

Don't "yo, baby" me.

You said you were going to change.

I thought you might change and maybe shave.

You look like fu manchu.

Bernice, remember what we practiced?

No yapping. That's right.

Fine. You can do the talking from now on

'cause my jaws are tired...

Scruffy doodle!

Oh, there is a god.

Come to me, boo-boo.

Bernice...

I don't think he wants to go with you.

According to my calculations,

he has... Five lives left.

He's welcome to spend the rest with us.

He's earned it.

Don't be silly. Come to mama.

Aah!

Traitor.

We got to stay in touch, stretch.

Ooh!

I'll call you once a month.

Is collect ok until I get a job?

I'll write. If you ever get to New Jersey...

We'll stay at the holiday inn.

I cannot believe this place is ours again.

I'll be back.