Original subtitles

MAN: Here we go. HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING) (BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING) Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(FIRE ALARM RINGS)

(SHOUTING) Fire! Fire!

(KIDS SCREAMING)

Stop, stop, it's a false alarm!

Wait until I get my hands on the kid who pulled the alarm.

(FIRE ALARM RINGING)

(FIRE ALARM STOPS RINGING)

Eugene Horowitz, you have been caught red-handed in the pulling of the fire alarm,

a most serious offense.

But I didn't do it.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

What my client is trying to say is, he didn't do it, Your Honor.

Now according to the bylaws of this school district,

you can only be expelled after being found guilty by a jury of your student peers.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(GAVEL BANGING)

(WHISPERING) Face it, Eugene. You're gonna fry.

I didn't do it.

(ALL LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Bye, Eagle Scouts.

HELGA: Guilty! Guilty!

Guilty! Guilty!

Fudgy nut-nut bar?

It's on the back Madam Fortress mommy!

Oh! Guilty, and

not guilty?

HAROLD: Come on, get this stuff out of the way.

All right, who's the bonehead?

Helga, our votes are supposed to be secret.

Yeah, right, Phoebe.

Quit kidding around and change your votes, so we can get out of here.

I got tickets to WrestleMania.

HAROLD: And I'm hungry!

HELGA: Yeah, come on! Let's get this over with.

GERALD: Huh? Not guilty?

Phoebe didn't vote "not guilty." I did.

HELGA: You?

HAROLD: What'd ya do it for?

Well, I'm not convinced. He could be innocent.

Yeah! And little green aliens could be building an advanced civilization inside my nose.

Come on, Arnold!

No, really. I think there's reasonable doubt that Eugene pulled the fire alarm.

What? You gotta be kidding me!

I'll never get out of here on time.

Come on! What's more important?

Our petty little pleasures, or making sure that our classmate gets a fair trial?

(KIDS GROAN) (UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTERING)

Look, the least we could do is go over the evidence again.

We owe it to Eugene.

(KIDS GROAN)

Fine. If the football head wants to go through the evidence... again,

then we'll go through the evidence... again.

But if I miss WrestleMania,

it's gonna be your butt!

Harold you start.

But I'm hungry. (STOMACH GROWLING)

Huh!

Here's a banana. Get started.

Okay, well, here's why it had to be Eugene.

It was just after lunch, and we was all coming out of the cafeteria.

I remember, 'cause I just finished my third pudding pack,

and I wasn't as hungry as I usually...

Get on with it, pink boy!

Oh, yeah right, okay.

Anyways, according to the testifaction of Squeaky Peterson,

just before the fire alarm was pulled,

she observified Eugene.

walking right by the fire alarm!

It was at that moment

that someone, unknownst to the rest of us,

but definitely not me, you guys,

pulled Squeaky's right pigtail hard, detracting her.

While Squeaky was detracted, someone pulled the fire alarm!

And who was right there? Who? Who?

No one else but...

(CHOKES ON BANANA)

Out of the way! I'm a certified CPU.

Ah, that's better!

What monkey-boy here is trying to say is that Eugene had the opportunity.

So Eugene had the opportunity, Helga. So what?

There were lots of kids there. They all had the same opportunity!

Well, how many kids had peanut butter smeared all over them?

His hands were covered with it! So was the fire alarm!

Peanut butter is not proof of anything.

What about the glasses, the footprints?

Slow down! Let's look at all the evidence, one thing at a time.

Fine! Who wants to talk about the evidence?

I believe I took all notes on it, Helga.

Then spill it, sister, and make it snappy.

It's not every day the Bloated Bill wrestles Haystacks Calhoun,

and I'm not going to miss it.

I believe that we've already established that

the peanut butter smeared on the fire alarm

was of the same style, creamy, as Eugene usually eats.

Although he testified he has also enjoyed chunky on occasions,

though usually when his mom was out of creamy, but we all know that...

(SCREAMING) Phoebe, while we're young, please!

I'm surrounded.

Hurrying. Um, in addition to the peanut butter evidence,

a pair of eyeglasses were found a few feet from the scene of the crime.

A few minutes after the fire alarm,

the students were allowed to reenter the building.

It was at this point, the eyeglasses in question

were discovered by our classmate, Sid.

Hey, these appear to be Eugene's.

Look everybody, Eugene's glasses!

Boy howdy, Eugene is gonna fry!

Hmm, these are Eugene's glasses.

Since the eyeglasses which have been positively identified

as belonging to Eugene were discovered next to the fire alarm,

and since it was a Tuesday and on Tuesdays Eugene has to wear his glasses...

Get to the footprints, brainiac!

Footprints were found leading up to the fire alarm

and then into a nearby broom closet.

They were of the same size and unusual make of Eugene's distinctive sandals.

And finally,

a pencil stub with the word "Wanky Land" was found outside the broom closet.

Aha, Wanky Land!

Therefore in conclusion, it...

Appears that Eugene is as guilty as sin!

Come on Arnold! Peanut butter on the fire alarm,

glasses on the floor, footprints from some fancy sandals.

Criminy! What more evidence do you need?

Hey, Arnold, Helga's right, man.

I mean, face it! Eugene was hiding in the broom closet.

Exactly!

What Geraldo here is trying to say is that

Eugene was caught in the act of fleeing from the scene of the crime.

Helga, baby, put your feet up. I'll tell it.

Now, I think a minute there about the above-mentioned heinous crime

(LAUGHS STRANGELY)

Eugene must have figured that he could hide in the broom closet,

until all the kids ran past, but he accidentally locked himself in.

EUGENE: Hello? Could someone please let me out?

And that's where the Principal found him about a minute later.

So, therefore Arnold, we can conclude,

that Eugene's not exactly a criminal mastermind,

but he did get caught fleeing from the scene.

He's guilty, man!

So he was in a closet. We found Eugene locked in closets before.

Look, you guys, I'm not saying Eugene couldn't have done it.

I'm just saying that I still have reasonable doubt.

What? Oh, come on, Arnold!

Eugene's guilty three ways to Sunday.

You know it, I know it, the American people know it.

How can you possibly have any doubts?

Hey, it makes just as much sense as anything else.

Okay, here's my version.

Maybe when he was eating lunch,

someone distracted him from his peanut butter sandwich...

KID: Hey, Melvin.

Who, me?

Later, when Eugene was going to class

he could've tripped just like he does every day for one reason or another.

I'm fine.

Here, I'll help you!

Oh, thanks. Must've been a bump in the hallway there.

I lost my balance. I can't see a thing without my glasses, of course.

No problem.

(FIRE ALARM RINGING)

You see what I mean?

Every single piece of evidence could've been set up.

And there's even one piece of evidence

that couldn't possibly have come from Eugene.

And what evidence is that, head boy?

The Wanky Land pencil.

(EXCLAIM IN SURPRISE)

Everyone knows Eugene.

He's been in more accidents this year alone than all of us combined.

And everyone knows that Eugene was banned last fall from Wanky Land

when he tripped off the bandstand

and caused the whole Thanksgiving Day parade to crash!

Anyway, even though he loves Wanky Land,

it's not likely he would have one of their pencils,

since he hasn't been near there since.

(GULPING)

So why would Eugene have a Wanky Land pencil?

Because someone planted it outside the broom closet

with a motive to frame him, that's why.

And who has that motive?

ARNOLD: Someone who hates Eugene.

Someone who has reason to harm him.

Someone... (ECHOING) Someone, Someone...

Okay, okay, I did it!

I confess, I planted the peanut butter,

I made the shoe prints, I left the glasses at the scene of the crime!

But why, Curly?

Because three months, two weeks, and four days ago,

Eugene borrowed my favorite pencil.

The pencil I got last summer at Wanky Land,

and then, when he finally returned it,

it had chew marks all over it!

And he sharpened it down to the metal parts!

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat.

All I could think about was Eugene writing with my pencil,

Eugene chewing on my eraser and Eugene...

(IN A SHRIEKING VOICE) Sharpening, sharpening, sharpening

(LAUGHING LIKE A MANIAC)

and when he finally gives it back to me, he says,

"Oh, here, Curly."

Like it was no big deal!

I couldn't just take that lying down. I had to do something.

So I got this plan, see?

The fire alarm!

I'd pull it, and then I'd frame Eugene for the crime!

All I needed to do was plant the right clues.

The peanut butter, the glasses and to top it all off,

the pencil!

Bingo! He'd be branded for life!

(LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY)

In light of recent evidence and at the request of the student jury,

the court finds Eugene... Innocent!

(KIDS CHEERING)

I never lost faith in you.

You know what, not so many kids would have stood up to the whole jury like you did.

I had to do it, Gerald.

You're a bold kid!

So you admit you pulled the fire alarm?

(LAUGHING LIKE A LUNATIC) That's right!

I did it!

I pulled the fire alarm.

And I'd do it again, too. See?

(FIRE ALARM RINGING)

(LAUGHING LIKE A MANIAC)

WARTZ: Stop that!

Deepest hole, 7265 feet!

Wow!

Most kites on single string, 11284.

Most chocolate chips in a single cookie, 2684.6.

All right, chocolate!

(CHATTERING)

Most pokes on a pogo stick.

Fattest worm!

Most bones broken in a single bicycle accident!

What you dork wads doing now?

We're just reading this book of World Records.

It's great!

Let me see that thing.

Most fingertip push-ups? Most consecutive nights sleeping with scorpions?

Criminy! What a bunch of geeks and weirdos!

This isn't a book of records, it's a book of morons.

Come on, Helga. I mean, sure, there's a lot of weird stuff in here,

but there's a lot of cool stuff too... Like this...

The largest bubblegum bubble was blown by Phyllis Serenson,

of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

It was 33 inches across and took 46 pieces of gum to make.

Yeah, big deal!

Does it say how long it took her to pull all the gum off her face?

No, you know why?

'Cause it's dumb!

I mean, who cares how many pogos some guy did in Timbuktu?

Nobody!

If you dweebs wanna sit there reading that dumb book, fine!

But I've got more important things to do.

Come on, Phoebe, let's get down to the river and throw rocks.

And by the way, it's Saskatchewan,

a province in Canada, our neighbor in the north, football brain.

Helga's wrong about this book.

I don't know. She made a couple of good points.

I mean, who really cares how many sardines a guy can clean in an hour?

Gerald, the people in this book are the best in the world.

They're at the forefront of human achievement.

To be listed in the book of World Records is to get a little piece of immortality.

Uh huh!

You wanna go down the river and throw rocks?

Gerald, don't you see what I'm trying to say?

If you and I broke a world record,

we'd be listed in this book forever.

Yeah, maybe pretty cool.

But come on, Arnold! What world record could we break?

I don't know, but if we break one,

we'll be the most famous kids in the whole city.

Walking backwards.

Wait a minute! Tell me again.

Now, why do we pay walking backwards?

It's a classic!

Oh, yeah.

(PANTING)

So how far do you think we've gone?

About a mile.

What's the record?

Let me check.

Frannie Cardell walked backwards from Santa Monica, California to Istanbul,

8773 miles!

(SIGHS)

Let's try somethin' else.

(GRUNTING)

(CRASHES)

How about flaming limbo dancing?

You kiddin'? I don't wanna burn my belly.

Okay, what about chainsaw juggling?

Skip on down.

Man full of bees?

Forget it, Arnold. We're never gonna find a world record we could break.

You guys still trying to break a world record?

BOTH: Yeah.

You don't have to do that kind of stuff.

You should do stuff you already know you can do.

except that it doesn't really take any talent.

You know, kids' stuff like...

Most days without taking a bath.

Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

GRANDPA: Here they come!

GRANDMA: Ah! Ha ha. Yay!

(UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTERING)

HELGA: Face the fact, football face.

There's no way you two lame-os are ever gonna break a world record.

You're right, Helga.

I am?

The two of us can't. What we need is more kids!

ARNOLD: Highest pyramid of kids.

Longest game of Crack the Whip.

Wee!

Aah!

(CRASHES)

This is not safe.

Most kids riding on a single bike.

No!

(ALL SCREAMING) Aah!

Aah!

(CRASHES)

I'm fine!

Hey, I'm not having any fun.

This isn't fun. You guys stink!

I'm gettin' out of here and makin' my own world record. Yeah!

Who's with me?

Uh, I'm in!

This really bites.

I'm not sure how many more records we can try to break.

I'm game!

Come on, you guys! We can't give up.

There's plenty of records we haven't tried yet.

Look, Arnold. Wake up, okay?

I mean, come on, how many things do you have to fail at?

How many windmills have to knock you on you butt

before you realize you're just an average kid

with a bunch of average friends

and you can't do anything better than anybody else?

That's not true, Helga.

There's plenty of things we can be better than anyone else.

Stinky, nobody else can roll sleeping bag as tight as you, right?

Well, uh...

And Phoebe, who else has your encyclopedic knowledge of Italian sauces?

(GIGGLING)

Gerald, who else can trap a bazookini with his mom's car keys?

Come on, you guys!

Think.

All we've gotta do is figure out how to combine

these seemingly useless talents into one idea

to make something so great, so unique, so incredibly cool

that no one else could possibly pull off the same thing.

Great! So, Stinky can roll something,

Phoebe knows sauces and Geraldo's a human vegematic.

So what?

So... so... We'll cook something.

Yeah, right, what?

Like the world's biggest casserole?

Biggest donut!

ALL: Yay!

Biggest sundae!

(ALL CHEERING)

Biggest crawdad!

(ALL CHEERING)

No, the world's biggest pizza puff!

(ALL AGHAST)

Stinky can roll the crust.

Phoebe, you can create the sauce.

Gerald, you can lead us with the vegetable chopping.

(ALL CHATTERING)

It'll be huge!

We'll get Mr. Green to donate salami,

Mrs. Johanssen for the sacks of flour.

There is a rosemary-oregano sauce I've been experimenting with.

(ALL CHEERING)

What's a pizza puff?

Biggest pizza puff!

Oh, brother Arnold. What a stupid idea!

Where do you come up with this stuff?

Ah! My love is such a visionary!

All right, here's the plan, Brainy.

You go get the quarters from the very nice people, okay?

And then I'm gonna sit on this pony until I can break a world record.

Yeah, are you with me?

Uh huh!

Yeah!

This time I think we really did it.

I hope we put in enough baking soda.

One hundred and fifty teaspoons should be plenty.

Teaspoons? I didn't know it was teaspoons.

What did you think "tsp" stood for?

Uh, ten square pounds?

ARNOLD: Uh oh!

Look out! She's gonna blow.

(ALL SCREAMING IN PANIC)

(ALL SIGHING IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Well, that's it! We've tried to break just about every record in the book.

And we haven't even gotten close.

I guess that just means one thing.

What's that, Gerald?

Maybe we're not special. Maybe we're not unique

and maybe we'll never break a world record.

Yeah, Gerald, maybe you're right.

Unless...

Unless what?

No time to talk, Gerald. I gotta letter to write. I'll see ya.

Poor boy! He just can't face the fact.

(DOGS BARKING AT A DISTANCE)

We did it! We did it!

I'll say you did it and we're still cleaning it up, too.

Arnold, what in the world is that?

(ALL CHATTERING)

Now what, football head?

It's from the people at the book of world records.

They say they're gonna put us in the book.

(ALL ASTONISHED) What?

Huh? Why are they gonna do that? We didn't break any record.

Oh yes, we did!

We broke the record for most attempts to get in the book of world records.

They say we're the most determined neighborhood they'd ever heard of.

(ALL CHEERING)

We're famous! We're famous!

My love has done it again!

We're special, we're unique, we're one of a kind!

Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! Oh, ecstasy!

Ah! I knew it all along.