Original subtitles

MAN: Here we go... HELGA: Arnold!

(CATS SCREECHING) (DOGS BARKING)

HELGA: Hey, Arnold.

(LOUD CLATTER)

(LOUD SHRIEK)

HELGA: Hey, Arnold!

Arnold?

Arnold!

(SIREN WAILING)

Arnold!

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

Boy, that movie really sucked wind.

Yeah, who played the onion anyway?

Didn't believe his performance for a second.

Plus, it was two hours long.

Two hours too long if you ask me.

GERALD: Can't believe we paid money for that.

Uh-oh.

Hey, what happened to the sun?

It went down.

Aw, man. I told my mom I would be home before dark.

She's going to kill me.

We've got time. The street lights aren't on yet.

Now what are we going to do.

We could take the crosstown bus.

You mean that one?

Well, we could walk.

Walk? It'll take days!

We'll freeze to death!

We'll be eaten by pigeons, or worse...

Eaten by rats!

I hate rats!

We could pool our money and take a cab.

Do you know how much a cab would cost?

It would cost approximately $34 and 20 cents. Without the tip.

I have 82 cents and some string.

(ALL GROANING)

Okay, let's not panic.

I know how we can get home before anybody gets in trouble.

Oh, no. Don't say it, Arnold.

Don't even think it.

We take the subway.

(ALL GASP)

Arnold, you know what they say about taking the subway after dark.

"Sun goes down, stay above ground."

I ain't scared of no subway.

I ain't scared of nothing.

Nope. No subway for me.

Not no way. Not no how.

I am not taking the subway.

I can't believe I'm taking the subway.

We're taking the subway, Grandma.

Yeah, the Eastbound D Train. We'll be home in half an hour.

Come on, Arnold, it's coming.

Are you sure, this is the right one, Gerald?

Yep. We take the D to Union Park.

And then the C three stops until 41st Avenue.

And then switch over to the One.

Or does that say seven?

Oh, no! We should really be on the F!

(ALL GRUMBLING)

Nice going, Geraldo.

Oh, that's okay.

We can get off at the Waterloo station and transfer to F.

(CREAKING)

Hey, look. I'm a monkey.

(LAUGHING)

See? I told you this wouldn't be so bad.

Well, that guy seems comfortable.

(SNORING)

What a sweet little girl.

MAN: You see how easy this is, Hillary?

Only by confronting your claustrophobia,

will you be able to overcome it.

Now say your mantra.

Yes, doctor.

Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

Good, Hillary.

Don't forget to breathe.

Look, I'm an upside down fireman.

Get off that pole, fat boy.

That's for holding on not climbing on!

Hey, how did you know I was climbing?

When the eyes went, the other senses got stronger.

Speaking of which...

(SNIFFS)

(GRUNTS) Sweet sister Sadie.

When was the last time you took a bath?

(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)

Well, football head, you were right.

The subway was a good idea after all.

Told you. We're going to get home in no time.

Everything will be just fine.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SQUEALING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL GROANING)

Hey, the train stopped.

No kidding, Einstein.

Hey, hey. What are you doing in my house?

Go away!

CONDUCTOR: Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm.

There is no need to worry.

But, of course. The main thing, uh, is to stay calm.

CONDUCTOR: Even though thousands of pounds of water are bearing down as we speak

on the thin aging walls of this government-funded tunnel,

you are in no danger.

Actually, millions of pounds of water bearing down on the tunnel is more correct.

CONDUCTOR: Actually, this has never happened to me before! (SOBS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

That's it!

We're busting open that door and walking out of here!

I don't think that's such a good idea, Helga.

There might be...

(SQUEAKING)

Rats!

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program with a special bulletin.

The eastbound D train is stuck in a tunnel under the river

with at least a dozen people trapped onboard and communication impossible.

More at 11.

I'm the only ex-cop in this city

crazy enough to take on a job like this.

(THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(OBJECTS RATTLING)

Goin' out, Pookie?

Don't wait up.

All righty, I'll save you some supper.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(HAROLD PANICKING)

Air getting thinner!

Hard to breathe.

Well, then stop sucking up all the good air, fat boy!

Leave the kids alone. They can suck up all the air they want.

It's my house.

Go ahead, fat boy. Breathe deep.

Actually, it's impossible for someone with even Harold's lung capacity

to deplete the air in this car.

CONDUCTOR: Passengers, it may be a matter of minutes or hours

(PANICS) or days or weeks

(CALMLY) 'til the search and rescue team finds our

(PANICS) forgotten and stranded subway car.

(CALMLY) And takes out of this (PANICS) increasing hopeless

(CALMLY) situation, so let's all remain calm, there's no need to...

(PANICS) Doomed! We're all doomed! Why me?

(SOBBING)

We're all going to starve to death

and get eaten by rats!

This is crazy. We got to do something, Gerald.

Gerald?

(TEETH CLATTERING)

I got to have something to eat.

Anything. Anything.

(SCREECHING)

(HISSING)

(RAT SQUEAKING)

CONDUCTOR: Attention, passengers, I have an update,

we're doomed, we're trapped.

I'm talking to you from the fetal position.

I'm scrunched up small, rocking back and forth,

trying to think if there's any way out. I don't think there is.

(PANICKING) I really don't think there is! Do you think there is? No!

Thank you for riding the subway!

Have a nice day!

Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

(CLEARS THROAT)

HILLARY: Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

Big, open spaces.

(SOBBING) We're trapped!

Trapped like rats. And the tunnel's gonna collapse And we're all doomed!

Please, would you shut your little friend up!

She's making us all crazy here!

Think, "Big, open spaces."

Big, wide, open spaces.

That mantra doesn't do anything,

you mental case.

Oh.

Get out of my house!

Hey, smells like... (SNIFFS) ...chocolate.

ALL: Chocolate?

Did someone say chocolate?

Where? Where? Where?

Uh... There!

Hey, yeah. Who's got the chocolate?

You two-bit lowlife.

We're all starving and you're holding out on us!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(ALL CLAMORING)

ARNOLD: Come on, we're all just getting hysterical.

Let's just calm down, try to hang in there together.

This is all your fault, Helga.

If you hadn't been hanging your fat mouth on that pole,

we wouldn't have broken down.

Oh, come on, Helga, Harold didn't have anything to do with it

and you know it.

Oh, yeah? What about you, Mr. "Let's take the D train"?

That was brilliant.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(WHIMPERING)

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

There's something wrong with this dog.

Is he sick?

What is the matter?

Somebody get me a newspaper.

(DOG WHIMPERING)

Here's a newspaper.

I used to be a nurse.

What is it? Is there something wrong with Killer?

Killer?

Bingo!

There. Come on, come on, that's it.

Almost. Come on. Here we go.

Killer! Killer! Are you okay, boy?

Killer's all right.

But I think he's a she.

You mean, I'm a daddy?

(CHUCKLES)

Aren't they precious! Congratulations, dear.

It's a miracle.

We're saved!

(ALL CHEERING)

Wait a minute, everybody. I got something to say.

We know. We know.

ALL: Get out of your house.

No, no, not that.

I got somethin' else to say.

♪ Let's all hold hands

♪ Here on the subway

♪ 'Cause we've been Stuck here in the dark

♪ For way too long

♪ Oh, it's hot And it stinks

♪ And the train Is on the blink

♪ They lock the doors

♪ We've got no choice

♪ Let's get along!

♪ Let's all hold hands

♪ Here on the subway

♪ 'Cause we've been Stuck here in the dark

♪ For way too long ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You throw like a girl, man.

Well, you throw like a little shrimp with stringy hair

and big ears and your hat on backwards.

No, I don't.

Gotta be a saltwater taffy store somewhere around this place.

But soft. It's him!

Oh, it is my love,

spending a lost Saturday on the river's edge.

How I long to share your reverie.

And yet...

And, yet I can't get a ding blasting minute alone with him.

Look, it's the geek patrol.

Drubbing for worms no doubt.

What are you looking at?

Elk Island.

So?

So, how come no one ever goes there?

Well, for one thing, it's haunted.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Haunted? (SCOFFS) What a crock.

GERALD: It is not!

Come on, Gerald, you tell us.

The haunted caves of Wheezin' Ed.

In the time of Prohibition,

on the island they called Elk,

there lived a gangster, so ruthless,

that his name inspired terror all up and down

the Skookumchuck River.

They called him Wheezin' Ed.

(WHEEZING)

GERALD: Ed got his name from the wheezy noise he made

just before he came up behind you and wrung your neck.

Some say, he wheezed

'cause he suffered from chronic head colds.

Some say, the wheezing was caused

by a chicken bone lodged in his throat.

Some say, he was just faking it.

One thing's for sure,

he buried his huge treasure

in the damp dirt of those caves.

No one has ever found it,

though, countless souls have tried.

And to come to some awful end,

too hideous to be spoken of.

For to find the huge treasure

one must descend into the haunted caves

of Wheezin' Ed.

The end.

Good job, Gerald.

Thanks.

What a crack. That island isn't haunted.

And there is no Wheezin' Ed.

Argh! But there'll be a treasure.

Wow.

He must be one of those real life grizzled, old, seesaw type characters.

Nah. It's just Sheena's uncle, Earl.

Hey, Mister, what was that you were saying about the treasure?

Har har har! Here be a small sample.

Found it in the caves last Tuesday.

Looks real to me.

Could be a 16th century doubloon.

What are we waiting for?

Let's get a shovel and go, man.

ALL: Yeah, come on. Let's go!

Wait a minute, you morons.

How do you plan to get there? Swim?

I'll give you all passage to the island for one dollar each.

Two dollars for him.

And I'll rent you me shovel for an additional 50 cents.

Five cents security deposit.

What do you say, Arnold?

Yeah, let's go!

This counterfeit penny operation was a great idea.

Yeah, and setting it up on Elk island was a stroke of pure genius.

No one will ever come snooping around here,

thanks to that Wheezin' Ed baloney.

Yeah, Wheezin' Ed. What a laugh.

(CACKLES)

I'll be back for ye before the sun sets.

We sail with the tide.

ALL: Bye, see you later.

Look, another doubloon.

Ah, we're getting warmer.

Hey, you guys.

If there's buried treasure, it's probably in there.

Oh, let's go through that tunnel.

No, no, that one.

Okay, okay... All right, all right.

Quiet!

If we're going ahead with this fiasco,

let's at least be organized.

We'll split up into parties of two.

Sid, you and Rhonda take that tunnel.

Why should I go with Rhonda?

Why can't I go with Harold?

Uh, 'cause I got to guard the outside. That's why.

On account of, I'm bravest.

Girl. Head on backwards little twerp.

Right.

Phoebe, you go with...

Gerald.

BOTH: Huh?

Okay.

Well, since you're guarding the entrance,

I guess I'm stuck with the football head.

(SCOFFS) Suit yourself.

Hey, what's with the jelly beans?

I'm leaving a trail they can follow back.

(SCOFFS) Leaving a trail.

Good plan, Einstein.

(SCOFFS) Can you believe that guy?

Ah, so suave, and so clever.

Lead, and I will follow, my liege.

Maybe Wheezin' Ed is just dead.

You know, no ghost or nothing.

Yeah, right.

Like he just died and rotted

and his bones are lying around somewhere in this cave.

Yeah.

What a comforting thought, Sid.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey, wait a minute.

(LAUGHS)

I guess we were both kind of jumpy, huh?

So, this cave is pretty cool, huh?

It's beautiful in a desolate kind of way.

I keep thinking I'm going to turn a corner and fall into a giant hole or something.

I don't think so, Gerald.

This appears to be a cave of the striated variety.

This kind of rock primiation with its series of smaller passages

radiating out form a central gallery

indicates that there wouldn't be a sudden vertical drop like that.

Oh... Good.

(INSECT BUZZING)

Praise Thor, the Thunder God!

Wait a minute.

Something I'm supposed to remember about these jelly beans.

Maybe if I eat a few more I'll remember.

Come on, Morrie,

let's take these into town and trade them for some supplies.

Uh, speaking of supplies, Vic,

you noticed we spent more than $900 on copper?

Not to mention my labor carving these faces on them.

What's your point?

Look, maybe we should move up to counterfeiting dimes, Vic.

Oh, what are you, a big shot now?

Next, you'd be talking about making quarters.

Come on, you bum, let's go.

(HELGA GRUNTS)

Watch where you're going, geek bait.

Well, don't follow so close then.

Right. I'm having the worst day of my life,

stuck in some smelly cave with a football head.

Look, why don't I take this tunnel and you take that one.

See ya.

Why? Why can't I speak the truth to the one I love?

Why must I constantly push away that to which I would cleave?

This is it.

It's now or never, Helga.

Go, confess your love to him.

Arnold!

Huh?

I... I... (PANTING)

Wait a minute, you hear something?

Hear something?

(WHEEZING)

It's Wheezin' Ed!

(SHRIEKS)

(LOUD SCREAMS)

ALL: Brainy!

What are you doing here?

Uh...

Something.

(ALL GROANING)

Yuck! Don't get so cozy, buster.

Sheesh.

Come on, you guys, we should just go.

(ALL GRUMBLING)

And if there wasn't a Wheezin' Ed,

then I guess there really isn't any treasure.

(SCREAMING)

Are you okay, Arnold?

Is your head open?

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL GASP)

ALL: The treasure of Wheezin' Ed!

(ALL CHEERING)

(EXCLAIMING)

You know, Arnold, these look a lot like pennies.

Only not made as good.

What? You mean, counterfeit pennies?

Yeah.

But who'd be stupid enough to do a thing like make counterfeit pennies?

Hey, you punks! What do you think you're doing?

(SCREAMS) It's Wheezin' Ed and...

And some other guy!

VIC: Come back, here.

MORRIE: (CHUCKLES) Yeah. What he said.

(ALL PANTING)

Do you know the way out?

Don't worry, Gerald. Just follow the jelly beans.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL PANTING)

(SCREAMS) No! Help me!

(BOTH PANTING)

Look, we're almost out.

(SCREAMING)

(RUMBLING)

(ALL PANTING)

(ALL GASP)

OFFICER: Freeze!

You two are under arrest for the running of an illegal counterfeit penny operation.

Oh, nuts.

How'd you find us?

This character tried to pass off one of your phonies.

Argh! Tippin' the serving wench at Ivar's Fish and Chips.

Right.

Now get those kids in the boat pronto

while I read these two clowns their Marumba rights.

Haunted caves. Doy.

Yeah, I guess there really isn't a Wheezin' Ed.

I don't know, Gerald. Just don't know.