Original subtitles

MAN: Here we go. HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING) (BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHES)

(SCREAMING)

HELGA: Hey, Arnold!

Arnold!

Arnold!

Arnold!

Arnold!

Move it, football-head.

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(WHIRRING)

(BEEPING)

(WHIRRING)

(GRANDPA SINGING)

I hate this traffic jam every morning.

Hey, 13 boarders, one bathroom.

What do you expect?

What about Mr. Smith?

He has his own private shower.

And a great big split level suite.

I don't like him.

He thinks he's better than us.

With his fancy clothes and tipping hat.

Tip, tip, tip.

Guy's lived here three years, he's never said a word.

Well, he's just a very private person, Mr. Potts.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what they all say.

Hey, gramps.

Did you drown in there, or what?

Mr. Smith, breakfast incoming.

(BEEPING)

Well, that Mr. Smith really bugs me.

Yeah, and he eats too fast.

Special room, special meals delivered, special own shower.

Special everything.

Who does he think he is?

Well, he does pay extra, Mr. Kokoshka.

And on time.

Arnold, I think Mr. Smith is very odd.

He's creepy. He gives me the creeps.

Oh, come on, Mr. Hyunh.

He's just a regular guy like the rest of us.

(PIG GRUNTING)

(PIG GRUNTING)

ERNIE: Yeah, he's regular, all right.

Real regular.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

(CHATTERING)

OSKAR: He's the weirdest guy in the world.

Package for Mr. Smith.

He's not here.

Can I trust you to give it to him? Sure.

It must be delivered right into Mr. Smith's hands.

Nobody else can open it. Understand?

Yes, sir. Don't worry.

You can count on me.

Hey, by any chance, is that from the toupe-of-the-month club?

Nope. It's something for Mr. Smith.

Oh, really?

Smith, huh?

He never got a package here before.

What kind is it?

Plain brown paper, plain string, pretty ordinary.

Too ordinary, if you ask me.

I wonder what's in it.

This is Mr. Smith's private property.

That guy's a freak. Give me that.

He's creepy. Real creepy.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

I told you, I'm not giving you the package!

It's me, Gerald. Oh.

So, I hear you got a package

for that secret guy, Mr. Smith.

Yeah, and I alone have been shouldered

with the weight and responsibility of its safety.

Cool, let's open it.

No!

Why not?

Gerald, it belongs to Mr. Smith.

Yeah, and I bet there's something really weird in there.

(SQUEAKING)

I don't know, Gerald.

(EXCLAIMING IN HORROR)

(CATS MEOWING)

We've got to get this package to Mr. Smith no matter what.

Come on.

Let's see.

What do we know about Mr. Smith?

Arnold, we know nothing about Mr. Smith.

Well, we know he always wears one of those weird bowler derbies.

Now, where do they sell bowler derbies?

Well, the only place I know is Toller's Bowlers on 44th.

How do you know that?

That's where my man Fuzzy Slippers gets 'em.

So, let's go.

Okay, I distract the guy

telling him I'm looking for a bowler derby.

Right. Meanwhile, I sneak a look at his Rolodex

and see if I can find anything on Smith.

Right.

Wait a minute. Why would two kids be looking for a bowler derby?

I got an idea. Right.

What is it? You'll see.

Okay. Okay.

Hello, old chap. How can I help you?

I'm looking for a certain hat.

Well, you've hit the mother lode.

Now, how about this one?

Or this one?

Ah, this one is perfect

for the particularly rare shape of your head.

You look smashing, old boy.

Why, thank you.

But, actually, old chap, I'm looking for something rather more like that one.

Oh. All the way up there, sir?

Yes. The one with the feather.

If I may, old chap.

Okay. Up there, then.

Right. Good.

Now I have to go to Mount Kilimanjaro

for this tall, slender frameless chap.

There it is.

Arnold, hang on to that pipe for a second.

Huh? What are you, nuts?

I'll just be a second.

(GRUMBLES)

Sander, Salami, Salome...

Here it is. Smith!

Come on, Gerald. Step on it.

Is this the bowler... Whoa!

No!

(CRASHES)

Maybe I should get another job.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

It's at 234, Smith avenue.

Satellite industries.

Sounds like the name

of some covert cover-up operation for the CIA.

I knew it.

He's a spy, man. I told you.

Come on.

Yes.

We have a package for Mr. Smith.

Which Mr. Smith?

You mean there's more than one?

That's right.

There's John Smith, John Smith Sr.

John Smith Jr., John Smith the third,

John Smith esquire,

John Q Smith, John Smith Smith

John John Smith.

Don't you have any plain Mr. Smiths?

I'm sorry, that information is classified.

Now suppose I were to tell you

I don't buy that, lady.

What would you say to that?

(BEEPING)

(THUMPING)

(GROANS)

Sheesh. This has been fun.

We've been on a wild goose chase halfway across the city

and we still have no idea how to find that Smith guy.

I'm not giving up, Gerald.

I'm handing this package to Mr. Smith, if it's the last thing I do.

Arnold, it's hopeless.

Do you know the chances of us

finding one specific person in a huge city?

A billion to one, you hear me?

A billion to one!

MAN: Have a good day, Mr. Smith.

Or less.

Stay, Smith!

Mr. Smith!

Hurry. Follow that taxi.

Behind the yellow line

while the bus is in motion

and get your package out of my ear.

(BOTH SIGHING GRIMLY)

GERALD: Mr. Smith, we have a package for you.

ARNOLD: Mr. Smith!

ARNOLD: Look!

Man, that guy is unbelievable.

Okay, that's it.

Yeah, let's just open it and get it over with.

Come on, Arnold. No one will know.

We can just tape it back up afterwards.

I just can't do it, Gerald.

Let's take the package and go home.

But, what about the boarders?

Ugh, they've probably forgotten about the whole thing by now.

(DOG BARKING)

(CHATTERING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Grandma, Grandpa, you all right?

Blegh!

Wait till I get my hands on that Ernie Potts.

What did he do with my kitchen?

(GRUMBLES)

Run, boys. Run!

There he is. Get him!

Get the kid.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Smash him!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(STRAINING)

(YELLING)

Hey. Watch the hair.

It's ours. Get it!

(GERALD SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Guys, what are you doing?

You're acting like a bunch of animals.

Well, whatever it is, you ripped it.

OSKAR: My family?

That's so sweet.

ERNIE: I feel like a real heel.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Package for Mr. Smith.

Can I trust you to give it to him?

(EXCLAIMING IN HORROR)

(SIREN BLARING)

SUZIE: Oh, Oskar.

How can you ask me for more money?

What happened to the $200 I gave you yesterday?

OSKAR: What $200?

SUZIE: You know very well what $200.

OSKAR: Oh, yeah, I remember

Some guys, they robbed me on the subway.

SUZIE: That's not true!

OSKAR: Okay, I lost it.

SUZIE: Oskar. Oskar, I've had it.

Things aren't working out between us.

I want you out.

But, Suzie, you know I love you.

You love yourself, Oskar.

I'm just second place.

What's wrong with second place? That's pretty good.

Well, it's not good enough for me.

I'm changing my life, Oskar.

I'm sticking up for myself.

I'm tired of your excuses and your lies.

From now on, I'm gonna make it on my own.

(CRASHES)

(GROWLING)

Suzie, what about me?

Where am I going to sleep?

Ugh.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

What do you want?

Listen, Ernie, you're not gonna believe this,

but Suzie kicked me out.

Can I stay in your room tonight?

Sure, Oskar.

Just as soon as you pay me the 20 bucks you've owed me since Christmas!

Hey, Mr. Hyunh.

How's my Vietnamese American good buddy?

(LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)

Listen, Suzie kicked me out

and I need a place to stay.

You cannot stay here!

You're not good person!

Not a good person at all.

Arnold!

Oh, um, hello, Mr. Kokoshka.

Call me Oskar.

I can't believe how handsome you're getting.

The way your body is growing

to match the unusual shape of your head.

You must have all the girls after you.

Well, I don't know about that.

Sure, they are. You must have a sweetheart, uh?

(LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)

Well, not exactly.

Listen, Arnold, I need a place to stay for a few days.

The room's kind of small.

Thanks, Arnold. You're a good boy.

Your grandma and grandpa must be very proud of you.

I take the bed tonight.

We can trade off tomorrow.

(YAWNING)

But, Mr. Kokoshka, I don't know about this,

and I have to get some sleep.

(SNORING)

Oh, well, it's only for a couple of days.

(SNORING)

Sweet dreams, Mr. Kokoshka.

Thank you, Arnold.

OSKAR: Arnold!

Wake up, you sleepy-head!

Time for breakfast.

Look, French toast and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

Wow.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Kokoshka.

What happened to my French toast and orange juice?

Boy, this is really great. Thanks.

By the way, what time is it?

Ten thirty.

What? Ten thirty?

But, my alarm. What happened?

I turned it off so it wouldn't wake me up.

I have to get to school.

ARNOLD: Man!

I gotta go. I'll see you later.

(PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE)

Mr. Kokoshka, would you mind playing your saxophone some other time?

I have to study for a test.

But, Arnold, I have to practice.

Well, I have to study.

Arnold, be reasonable.

Can't we at least compromise?

I'll practice now, you can study tomorrow.

(PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE)

But, Mr. Kokoshka, my test is tomorrow!

(GROANS)

Oh, Arnold, good to see you.

How did your test go?

Not so good.

That's too bad. You should have studied.

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

I'm making smoothies!

Mr. Kokoshka, this isn't working out.

What?

I said, this isn't...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, Arnold, I forgot to tell you.

I'm having some friends over to play cards.

Hello, Oskar, you old goat.

How's it going, guys?

Hey, nice place.

Make yourselves at home.

Mi casa su casa.

Come on, you bum. Let's go.

(CHUCKLING)

Haha. It's forty to you, Oskar.

Okay, I say, "Go Fish!"

(CHUCKLING)

Give me a break.

Come on, Oskar. It's your bet.

Okay, okay. I raise you fifty.

But, Oskar, you don't have any chips left.

Don't worry.

I bet this CD player for collateral.

(SCREAMING)

Mr. Kokoshka, that's mine!

Don't worry, Arnold, I can't lose.

I can't believe I lost.

Yeah. Who would've thought you'd lose with a pair of threes?

Eh, it's no problem.

I'll win it all back next week

when the gang comes over.

Well, actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

I think maybe it's time you thought about finding another place to live.

I'm telling you, Gerald. He's driving me crazy.

I feel for you, man.

I mean, between the snoring and the saxophone...

No wonder his wife kicked him out.

I just wish I could get him to leave.

Yeah. Too bad you can't get him back together with his wife.

Hey, wait a minute.

That's it!

I'm gonna get Mr. and Mrs. Kokoshka back together.

I don't know, Arnold.

Messing with grown-ups' love problems is a dangerous thing.

Maybe, Gerald.

But I gotta do it.

I gotta get my room back.

(SLURPING)

Oh, come on, Suzie, don't you miss him sometimes?

No. In fact, I haven't thought about him at all since he left.

Well, he's thought about you.

He has?

Oh, sure. He talks about you all the time.

He does?

Yeah, in fact, he wanted me to ask you

if you'd have dinner with him under the stars.

On the roof?

On the roof? That's so romantic.

Should I tell him you'll be there?

Hmm.

Well, all right.

Dinner under the stars?

It doesn't sound like Oskar.

Oh, he's a changed man.

Come on, Mr. Kokoshka.

It's just dinner.

Forget it, Arnold.

She kicked me out,

and as far as I'm concerned, it's over.

But, Mr. Kokoshka, she really wants to see you.

She does?

Yeah, she said she missed you.

Well, that makes sense.

I'm a very likable guy.

(CHUCKLING)

She hates me.

Say something nice to her.

You know, Suzie, in the moonlight,

you can barely see that big stain on your good dress.

I wouldn't have a stain on my good dress

if you hadn't used it to polish your shoes.

Oh, sure, blame it on Oskar.

Everything is always my fault.

If the shoe fits.

See?

Uh, I've got an idea. Why don't you two dance?

What?

(CHUCKLES) Oskar hasn't danced with me in years.

Besides, he's got two left feet.

Two left feet?

What is it with all the shoe metaphors?

I'll show you dancing.

Grandma.

(ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Oskar, ouch!

And now, for the dessert.

Two cherry tarts.

Oops.

Guess it's only one cherry tart.

Well, we could share it.

But it's such a tiny piece.

Maybe Mrs. Kokoshka would like it.

Arnold, do you have something in your eye?

(SIGHS WEARILY)

You don't really want the cherry tart.

Do you, Suzie?

Not if you want it all for yourself, Oskar.

Okay. Great.

(CHOMPING)

Boy, this is great.

You don't know what you're missing.

That's it, Oskar. You'll never change.

You just don't care about anyone but yourself.

What's her problem?

She's right.

You don't care about anyone but yourself.

Oh. Um...

Hi, Mr. Kokoshka.

Hello, Arnold. And goodbye.

I decided, maybe you're right about me.

I'm going away to find myself.

Well, are you sure about this?

Yes, I'm sure.

I'm hitting the road, Jack.

Oh, I got your CD player back.

Never bet on a pair of threes.

Thanks. But, where will you go?

I don't know, Arnold.

I just don't know.

By the way, I borrowed your suitcase.

I knew you wouldn't mind.

(GROANS)

Oskar.

Hello, Suzie.

Uh, how are you?

Never better. Well, I have to go now.

Oskar, is that a suitcase in your hand?

Yes, I'm going away.

It's the best thing for everyone.

Where will you go?

I don't know.

Somewhere into the dark abyss I've created for myself.

Well, if you're really leaving,

I guess you could use some money.

Well, sure a couple of fifties would tide me over.

(CHUCKLING)

No, wait. I can't take it.

I don't want to take it.

I can't keep taking money from you, Suzie.

From now on, I'm going to make it on my own.

You keep the money.

What did you say?

You keep the money?

Oh, Oskar.

That's the most beautiful thing you've ever said to me.

You keep the money?

That's the first time you ever thought of someone else before yourself.

You must care about me.

Oh, Oskar.

You keep the money.

Oh, Oskar.

You keep the money.

Oh, Oskar.

You keep the money.

SUZIE: Oh, Oskar. OSKAR: Oh, Suzie.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)