Original subtitles

MAN: Here we go. HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING) (BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING) Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(TICKING)

(SIGHS)

(BELL RINGING)

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

ARNOLD: Finally, the weekend.

GERALD: Man, I thought it would never get here.

Boy, howdy, I'm gonna spend the whole Saturday morning watching cartoons.

Yeah, well, I'm going to the park to play catch.

(ALL AGREEING)

What are you doing, Arnold?

I'm doing it all. Huh?

What are you talking? I'm doing it all.

Everything on...The List.

(ALL GASP)

Yup. The List for a kid's perfect Saturday.

The List? You're crazy, man.

No one's ever done the whole list before.

The List has been handed down from kid to kid for generations.

It contains all things kids love to do on Saturday.

Behold the sacred document.

ALL: The List.

Read it, Gerald.

(ALL CHATTERING)

"The list for a kid's perfect Saturday."

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

"Watch every cartoon from 6:00 a.m. till Dance Craze."

(CHEERING)

"While eating three bowls of Sugar Chunk cereal."

(CHEERING)

"Ride your bike down the steepest hill in the neighborhood."

And you all know which one that is.

(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

"Play catch with every kid in the park.

"And finally, go to the movies and sit through it three times."

(CHEERING)

Here you go, Arnold.

Nobody's ever done the entire list on one Saturday.

Are you sure about this?

I mean, you're tempting the fates, man.

I'm doing it, the whole list.

I'm gonna have the greatest Saturday a kid ever had.

Tomorrow's gonna be one of those days

that memories are made of.

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(TRUCK HORN BLARING)

What?

Oh, no, I'm late!

Okay. First thing on the list.

"Sugar Chunk cereal."

Grandpa, did you eat all the cereal?

Huh? Well, heck no, there's a whole other box.

(SIGHS) Well, at least it's cereal.

(GRANDPA SNORING SOFTLY)

Either that milk's gone bad

or they've got a whole new way to sell cottage cheese.

Well, better get to work on that fuse box.

Okay. I got cartoons from now till Dance Craze.

♪ The greatest mutant robots From outer space

♪ Spinning... (GARBLED) in your face! ♪

(EXPLODES)

(YELPS)

What? No!

Hmm. I think I got the 220 mixed up with the 660.

No problem.

I'll use the upstairs TV.

Good idea.

Except the power's out in the whole house.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

GRANDMA: That's it, boys. One more step and you got it.

Good, we've reached the front door.

Hey, lady, it ain't gonna fit.

Oh, come on. Can't you turn it on its side or something?

(MOVERS ARGUING)

GRANDMA: Hey, don't you take that tone with me, young man.

There must be some way to get it in the house.

Come on, boys, let's think.

No, no, no. Let's take it to the bottom of the stoop and think a minute, shall we?

Let's see here... "Play catch." Can do.

I'll go get my glove.

Hey, kid. Uh...

Yeah, you. Who?

You want to play catch? Okay.

(GIGGLING)

Hey, come back here! (LAUGHING)

ARNOLD: Get back here!

(PANTING)

Okay. So, that didn't go so hot.

What's next here?

Take the hill, boys, take the hill! Don't be discouraged.

Come on, lady, face it. You're never gettin' the piano in this building.

I gotta get my bike out of the garage.

Hey, relax, kid. We're just out taking a break.

(PANTING) The steepest hill in the city.

(WIND WHOOSHING)

Look out below!

What's left here?

"Go to movie, sit through it three times." Easy.

One ticket, please.

Huh? Oh, no!

Please. Please, lady, listen.

I'm having the worst day of my life, and I gotta see this movie.

Please, I'll pay you back.

(WOMAN SCREAMING IN MOVIE)

(WHISTLING)

WOMAN FROM MOVIE: What's wrong, Dylan?

DYLAN: Oh, I don't know. I'm having the worst day of my life.

WOMAN: Oh, isn't there anything I can do?

DYLAN: Well, you could kiss me for starters.

Oh, I was waiting for you to say something like that.

Yeah.

(AUDIENCE MUTTERING)

Your breath stinks. (SLAPS)

(GROANS)

What'd you do that for?

(CRASHING)

WOMAN: Stop! Don't come any closer.

(MONSTER GROWLS)

(MONSTER CONTINUES GROWLING)

WOMAN: What are you doing? Stop!

No! Where are you going?

No! Where are you going?

(SCREAMS) No!

Don't come any closer! No. No!

Help me! Help me!

(ARNOLD YELPS)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, due to technical difficulties,

the theater must cancel the rest of today's screenings.

Good night.

Greatest Saturday a kid ever had.

(SCOFFS) What a crock.

(PIANO PLAYING)

Grandma? What are you doing up here?

Well, we couldn't get the piano in the front door or through the window,

so we're gonna have to keep it up here on the roof.

That's terrible.

What? No, that's wonderful.

We're gonna have a piano on the roof.

Come on, Arnold.

No, Grandma.

I had a really rotten day, and I just wanna sit here and relax and do nothing.

Rotten day? Well, I've got just one thing to say about that.

(STARTS PLAYING)

♪ When life gets you down

♪ Wearing a frown Don't look away, look up

(ARNOLD SCOFFS)

♪ 'Cause memories true Come out of the blue

♪ You know the way, look up

Come on, Arnold.

No, Grandma, I'm really not in the mood.

♪ Well, skies are dark gray Things gone astray

♪ Don't hide away, look up

Take it.

(SIGHS)

♪ I had a bad day Nothing went right I hate my dumb life

(CAR CRASHING)

♪ When you're feeling Under the weather

♪ And the dark clouds Are getting to you

(SIRENS WAILING)

♪ Make your troubles light as a feather

♪ And soon you'll be seeing

♪ A bright patch of blue

♪ You gotta look up

♪ You gotta be strong You gotta take things As they come

♪ With everything new That happens to you

♪ It's better when you Look up ♪

Well, Arnold, what do you say?

One more time, Grandma.

Arnold, you're a pip.

♪ When life gets you down

♪ Wearing a frown Don't look away, look up

(ARNOLD PLAYING HARMONICA)

♪ 'Cause memories true Come out of the blue

♪ You know the way, look up ♪

There you go!

You boys finished playing checkers? Yeah.

And Crazy Eights, Slapjack, Go Fish, Old Maid,

every board game in the house,

and a crossword puzzle too.

We're bored, Grandpa. Bored?

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

(GRANDPA SIGHS)

Have I ever told you boys about the time I worked for the railroad...

and first heard the legend of the haunted train?

BOTH: Huh? No.

Forty years ago, old engine 25 was heading for the station,

when the engineer went mad and drove his train off the tracks.

They never saw him or the train again.

Some say he drove it straight to, you know...

Midtown? Downtown?

All the way downtown,

to the very most southern point.

You mean... That's right.

Wow. He drove all the way to the South Pole?

No! He drove the train straight down to the fiery underworld.

Both: Wow.

GRANDPA: Every year, on the anniversary of its last ride,

Engine 25 comes back, the mad engineer at the throttle.

He's on his way to the old train station

to pick up unknowing passengers.

These unsuspecting passengers

are drawn on to the train by a blinding white light.

It hypnotizes them.

Then, a strong smell overpowers them.

Some say it smells like rotten eggs.

But I'll tell you what it is.

It's the smell of... Socks?

No. Fire and brimstone.

Then, they start to hear a horrible ear-splitting music.

It shrieks and moans and sends a chill through your heart.

It's not of this world.

It's inhuman.

After the music, the train then enters...

the zone of darkness.

(CHILDREN GASP)

In the zone of darkness,

they can feel the heat from the flames.

Then, the train comes to a complete stop.

The doors open, and they are greeted by the red-hot demon himself.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING) (HELGA SIGHS)

You know what tonight is, don't you?

It's the 40th anniversary.

I'd sure hate to be at the old train station tonight.

(CHUCKLES)

The one on 53rd past Livingston.

You know, next to the tire shop there.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

(CHUCKLES)

Well, so much for being bored.

You think the stories are true, Gerald?

I mean, my grandpa has been known to stretch the truth.

I don't believe a word of it.

I want physical evidence.

Infra-red photography,

ectoplasmic samples,

visible energy fields. (GRUNTS)

Some things can't be proved with scientific evidence.

It's a question of faith.

Hooey!

Well, I can understand if you're...

scared.

Scared? I'm not scared.

Okay.

Then meet us tonight at the old train station.

(GASPS) Huh?

One hour after the street lights come on.

You're on!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(BAT SQUEAKS)

Yep! No train, let's go.

Not so fast. We have to wait longer than 30 seconds.

(TOLLING)

(ARNOLD PLAYING HARMONICA)

(GERALD SNAPPING FINGERS)

♪ They say he lost his mind

♪ Went crazy on that day

♪ And ran his train Right off the tracks

♪ And drove it Straight to... hey!

♪ Where's the engineer?

♪ Been waiting all night long

♪ Better show up soon

♪ Or Imma have to say "so long"

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Been waiting on The haunted train ♪

(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) That's it! I'm outta here.

This is ridiculous!

There is no haunted train, there is no mad engineer!

And you two chuckleheads are driving me nuts!

(TRAIN HORN BLARING IN THE DISTANCE)

And stop playing that harmonica!

I'm not playing that harmonica.

(RUMBLING)

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

ALL: Engine 25.

White light.

It pulled us on.

We're the victims of forces we can't possibly comprehend.

(SNIFFS)

Ew! What's that smell?

She who smelt it, dealt it.

It's not that smell, stupid.

Helga's right. It's more like...

(SNIFFS)

Rotten eggs! It smells like rotten eggs!

It's one of the signs.

(DISCORDANT POLKA MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you hear what I hear?

You mean, that horrible ear-splitting and possibly inhuman music?

(SCREAMS)

We're all gonna die!

We're all gonna die!

I do believe in mad engineers!

I do believe in haunted trains! I do! I do!

Oh, why must I be cursed with such an inquisitive nature?

Hey! The lights!

The zone of darkness. Next stop is, you know...

GERALD: Are you pointing down?

This is it! I can feel the flames of the dark underworld

blowing down the back of my neck.

(SCREAMS) Huh?

ARNOLD: Brainy!

GERALD: What are you doing here?

Uh, I don't know.

I see it! I see the fire!

Wait! I've got an idea.

Ready, aim... Fire!

Hey! Oh! Hey, hey!

(MAN GROANS)

Hey! What did you do that for?

What are you kids doing here?

Nobody's allowed on this train except the steel mill workers.

Steel mill? We're at the steel mill?

Where did you think you were?

This train isn't haunted?

Haunted?

Oh, no, not that story again.

This train is for relief workers.

What about the smell?

Girly, have you ever smelled a steel mill?

It's the sulfur. Smells like rotten eggs, don't it?

And the lights?

Lights, the lights in this car are always going on and off.

But the music, I've never heard anything so horrible.

It was like torture.

I thought my eardrums were going to explode.

Eh, well, I suppose some people don't appreciate the polka.

(PLAYS POLKA)

Okay? Does that explain everything?

ALL: Yes.

Good. Now let's get you kids on the right train home.

Jeez.

GRANDPA: A fire extinguisher

against the fires of the underworld, eh?

(CHUCKLES) Pretty good plan, Short Man.

I think you set us up, Grandpa.

Well, at least you weren't bored, were ya?

There is no haunted train.

Well, now I didn't say that.

(BRAINY BREATHING HOARSELY)

♪ Sometimes late at night

♪ You can hear The whistle wail

♪ With a spooky screechy sound

♪ Like a wheel gone off the rail

♪ And up in the smoky clouds

♪ You can almost recognize

♪ The ghost of a crazy engineer

♪ With fiery cinder eyes

♪ I say, whoo-whoo!

♪ Can't you hear the haunted train?

♪ Whoo-whoo!

♪ Waiting on a haunted train

♪ I'm gonna crash that engine

♪ You know Only sticks and stones

♪ And old conductors' bones remain

Yeah!

♪ Take me to the roundhouse ♪