Original subtitles

MAN: Here we go. HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING) (BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold!

(SIREN WAILING) Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

Hey!

Hey, who's doing that? Cut it out.

What? What?

(SCOFFS) Arnold. What a boob.

And yet... (SIGHS)

What a dreamboat.

HELGA: (VOICE-OVER) Your eyes like two jelly beans

are pools I want to bathe in.

In the classroom, my heart doth swoon.

And yet, I want to beat your face in.

(SIGHS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(CHATTERING)

HELGA: Move it!

What are you looking at, geek-bait?

(SIGHS) (SNIFFS)

(SIGHS) Suddenly, I feel inspired.

I close this tome with my signature, beloved.

H is for the head I'd like to punt.

E is for every time I see the little runt.

L is for longing for our firstist kiss.

G is for how good that longing is.

(SIGHS)

And A is for Arnold, of course.

Duh!

One side, moron.

Hey, what's this little pink book?

It isn't yours? Please.

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny? Arnold, who wrote this stuff?

What is it?

Listen to this. "To Arnold,

"with the red-hot lips. ARNOLD: (GASPS)

"Your football head, your awesome face,

"your grungy chic, your cat-like grace.

"Whose wet hot lips do I want to taste?

"Three guesses, stupid.

"Arnold! Arnold! Arnold!"

(EVERYONE LAUGHS)

Well, it must have been some other Arnold.

It fits your description pretty well, "hot lips."

Grandpa! (ALL LAUGH)

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

ARNOLD: Give me that. BOY: Hey, let me read one.

(ALL LAUGHING AND TEASING)

MARTY: So long, Romeo.

(CRASHING AND CLANGING)

(GASPS)

HELGA: (VOICE-OVER) Oh, my!

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)

Hey! Listen to this one.

"Let me count the hairs..."

(GERALD LAUGHING)

Why did I sign my name?

I was too bold.

Those poems weren't meant to be seen

until I'm dead and buried.

And worms have consumed my flesh.

Arnold must never see that last page.

Ah, I'll steal inside his room somehow.

There are ways to find out who wrote those poems.

Just have to be scientific.

Wait. Don't touch that.

It's evidence.

Note the bite marks on the pencil.

The strands of hair.

But first, we make the list of suspects.

Okay, who was there at the bus stop?

Let's see.

Jennifer was there.

The one who always chews with her mouth open?

Ugh! No way!

Dodie? Not!

Hmm... Some older girls were there.

Wait a minute.

Ruth McDougal was there.

GERALD: Ruth? Arnold.

She's in the sixth grade.

It could happen.

Dream on. There's only one way to find out.

We need to collect some evidence from every girl on that list.

That'll take all day.

Not with Abner.

(WHISTLES)

(GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLES) A pig?

What's he going to do?

Here, boy. Smell this.

(SNIFFS)

(SQUEALING) GERALD: Wow! Look at him go.

(SQUEALING)

ARNOLD: Hey, Abner, wait up.

(GASPS) Wait up!

(SIGHS)

Ha! (GRUNTS) Ow!

I'm in his room.

A place I've often visited in my dreams.

The temple of your soul, my love.

(SIGHS) (SNIFFS)

Oh, my gosh!

What is that shampoo?

(GASPS)

ARNOLD: Go on, Abner. Go on downstairs.

(GASPING) ARNOLD: It seems like he'd be good at this.

I don't know. Abner might be a good truffle hound

but he's a lousy detective.

I'll say.

Hey, wait a minute.

Something's wrong here.

Something's missing.

I know.

(BEEPING) (MUSIC PLAYING)

That's better.

Let's get down to the evidence.

Exhibit 1, the drinking glass from Jennifer's cafeteria tray.

Check. Exhibit 2,

Dodie's retainer. Check.

Exhibit 3, Ruth McDougal's hair ribbon.

(GROWLING)

Fingerprints.

Yup.

They're human.

Hmm.

Negative.

Hmm...

Negative.

GERALD: All right, let's have Ruth's ribbon.

Is it Ruth's hair? Is it? Huh?

Mmm-mmm.

So, Gerald, when these results come out,

will we finally know who wrote the poems?

No. I was just making hot chocolate.

Okay, based on our research,

we can safely deduce that our suspect is female,

lives in the Tri-City area

and is somewhere between the ages of 8 and 87.

Ooh, we're doing good.

Okay, let's narrow the field a little.

This yearbook has the autograph of every kid at P.S. 118.

We're going to compare handwriting on each suspect on the list.

(SOFTLY) Oh, no.

Let's start with Ruth McDougal.

Arnold, face it, man.

It's not Ruth.

It never was Ruth.

It's never going to be Ruth.

Okay? Or just maybe,

she purposely changed her handwriting because

she was too shy to let me know how much she really cares.

GERALD: All right, let's go.

Abigail V. Armstead...

Nope. Definitely not.

Jennifer Barnes...

Amy Oblemeyer...

Hey, Arnold. I give up.

The next name on this list is Helga Pataki.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(GROWLS) You hear something?

ARNOLD: Must be coyotes.

Let's face it, Arnold. We're stumped.

We aren't any closer to figuring this out

and we've been working all night.

(YAWNS)

Let's take a break.

(SOFTLY) Yes, take a break!

Let's go down to Slausen's and get an ice cream cone.

Yeah. I could go for some ice cream.

(SOFTLY) Yes! Ice cream.

Good plan. ARNOLD: But, then again...

Oh, come on, Arnold.

Well... (SOFTLY) Go, go.

What was that?

I must stop talking to myself.

Are you sure you don't hear something?

Look, we're both tired.

I'm just going to go straight to bed.

Okay, see you tomorrow, Arnold.

See you.

Grubworm, this is Mighty Falcon.

Mighty Falcon!

Phoebe, it's me Helga.

Listen, call my mom

and tell her I'm sleeping over with you.

Just do it.

Good night, sweet prince.

(BEEPING)

(YAWNING)

(MOANING)

Morning, short man.

Ever find out who your secret admirer is?

Nah, whoever it is, I wish they'd go jump up a rope.

Why I remember when I was your age...

I don't actually remember.

But still, you're pretty darn lucky to have someone

who cares about you so much.

You know, it is kinda cool.

Obsessive, but cool.

See you later, Grandpa.

Book's gone straight to the kid's head.

(BELL RINGS)

"The little twerp who sets my soul aflame.

"Put them all together, they spell Arnold"

(ALL LAUGHING)

GERALD: That's unbelievable.

Hey, Helga, what's wrong with you?

You sleep in a closet or something?

(CHUCKLING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

GERALD: Oh, man, Arnold,

that is the corniest poem yet.

GIRL: Whoever wrote 'em is pathetic.

Read another one. Okay.

This is the last page.

(GASPS) Here goes.

H is for the head I'd like to punt.

E is for every time I see the little runt.

L is-- Hey, what did you do that for?

First spit-ball of the day, football head. Yes.

What is it with her?

Please, really much, Help me! (SCREAMS)

GERALD: Nothing like a field trip, huh, Arnold? Huh? What?

Oh, are we at the aquarium yet?

GERALD: Not yet.

But, we better get there soon.

Everyone is getting kinda restless.

I'll say.

(LAUGHING)

Look, I'm a whale.

(LAUGHING)

What do you mean you've never been to the aquarium?

Last time we had a field trip there, we were in the first grade,

and I had the chicken pox.

Oh, it was great, man.

They had this tide pool thing,

full of those fat rays, you can touch with your fingers.

It was really slimy and disgusting.

I went back nine times.

And they've got a penguin named Stuart

who eats his own barf.

And Slimo the sea snail,

who can draw a replica of the Mona Lisa with his mucus trail.

Of course, I can do that too.

See? Dweeb!

And they've got Lock Jaw.

ALL: Yeah, Lock Jaw!

Lock Jaw?

Who's Lock Jaw?

(CHATTERING IN BUS)

(SHRIEKING WITH EXCITEMENT)

Wow!

GUIDE: Welcome to the city aquarium.

We have a few simple rules to follow.

No feeding the fish. No tapping on the glass.

No diving in the shark tank. No video cameras. No photography.

No sushi chefs.

(SIGHS)

So, who's Lock Jaw? Are you kidding me?

He's only the scariest sea monster in the ocean.

If there was a battle

between him and a giant squid, Lock Jaw would win.

I heard he could ram a boat with his head and sink it.

I heard he could swallow a kid whole.

And spit out the bones. Lock Jaw, huh?

Cool.

No guns, no knives, no plastic explosives

and most of all, no skateboards.

Hey, is that Lock Jaw?

Yeah, right.

(GROWL)

Which one's Lock Jaw?

Are you kidding?

Lock Jaw could suck these guys up like vermicelli.

Hey, Arnold, we're going to see Lock Jaw.

Come on.

(CHATTERING)

ALL: Oh!

MAN (ON SPEAKER): And now, presenting the terror of the deep,

the ancient reptile whose ancestors date back over 150 million years,

the mighty Lock Jaw.

(ALL CHEERING)

That's Lock Jaw?

Big deal.

He seemed a lot bigger when we were in first grade.

He's not so scary. What a rip!

(GRUMBLING)

Yes! I got him. Yes!

STINKY: Sad turtle weenie. Bye.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Lock Jaw?

Hey, Lock Jaw?

Hey, man.

ALL: Bye, Arnold.

STINKY: Sorry that turtle bites.

I got him. Yes!

Excuse me, sir, we're selling chocolate turtles

to raise money for our troop trip to Scotland.

Hmm, no thanks.

(MEOWING AND BARKING)

Hi, Grandpa. Hey there, short man.

How do you like my new turtleneck?

It's nice, Grandpa.

Now if I can only find my tortoise shell glasses.

Then I'd really be looking snazzy.

(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Who is it? It's me, mon Capitan.

I brought you a sandwich.

I'm really not hungry, Grandma.

What's the matter?

I haven't seen you this down since

von Kluck swept through Belgium back in August '14.

I don't know, Grandma.

Let me ask you something, Grandma.

How would you feel if you were living in the ocean

and some scientist put you in a tank?

What? No, sir.

They'll never catch me.

Never. Calm down, Grandma.

It's a hypothetical question.

Why didn't you say so?

See, we went to the aquarium today...

Oh, the big house for fish.

And there's this really old turtle there.

Old, eh? Yeah.

And his shell's all covered with graffiti

and his water's dirty. Kids throw stuff at him.

And he's old? Yeah.

And sad and dirty.

And his tank's too small.

And he's old. Yeah--

Why, this is an outrage. ...and then--

Treating a wise old creature like he's some sort of common criminal.

I think they just-- Come on.

There's not a moment to lose.

But-- I said, come on.

We've got a mission to complete.

I know it's in here somewhere.

(MEOW) Grandma,

what are you doing?

We're taking action.

Righting a wrong. Grasping at straws.

Aha!

Perfect.

(CAR REVIVING)

From now on, call me Chief.

And you're Agent 9.

Take this, Number 9.

It's our gear.

Grandma, do you have a driver's license?

(TIRES SCREECHING) (GRANDMA LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Grandma, we're trespassing.

This is public property.

Well, we're the public, aren't we?

(CLANGING)

(GRUNTING)

Good, the sentry's not at his post.

Now's our chance. Come on.

You lead, Number 9.

You know where the prisoner's cell is.

GUARD: (CHUCKLING) Here, have a cookie.

Oh, you tossed your cookies.

(CHUCKLING) Here, have a cookie.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, you tossed your cookies again.

(CHUCKLING)

GRANDMA: Oh, my goodness!

This is worse than I thought.

See. I told you.

I know one thing that'll cheer him up.

Hey, I think he's starting to trust us.

Good. Then we can get him out of here.

But, Grandma, isn't that against the law?

Against the law of the King, perhaps,

but against the law of common decency,

I think not.

Don't worry, buddy. We're busting you out of this joint.

Now you're getting the hang of it, number 9.

(BOTH GRUNT) Be careful.

Don't get too close to his mouth.

(SHRIEKS) Grandma?

There darn sleeves are too long.

(BOTH GRUNT)

MAN: (ON SPEAKER) Lock Jaw is a rare and endangered Galapagos tortoise.

He weighs well over 400 pounds.

Wait here, Grandma. I got an idea.

(GUARD LAUGHING) Hey, let's go, big shark.

Come on, jaws.

Bite me. (LAUGHING)

Punch it, Grandma.

Do you think he knows the way to the ocean?

Well, sure, It's instinct.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Run! Be free!

Go, live and love again.

Hey, Grandma.

Yes, Number 9. You're the best.

So are you, Arnold.

GRANDMA: Now, come on.

All this exercise gives me a hankering for some turtle soup.