Original subtitles

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- Shoot! Shoot!

- What is it?

- I dropped my pen in this crack.

- On purpose?

- Yes.

I'm waiting for the splash to see how deep it goes.

No, not on purpose.

And also, how did this get in here?

- [scoffs] How should I know?

I mean, and even though I clearly

had nothing to do with that because I wasn't even here

when I assume some guy did it

because it's always men who break stuff--

I mean, always--

I will take care of it, OK?

There we go. Good as new.

Moving on.

- What did you do? - [sighs]

Remember that new cocktail I wanted to make

with fresh coconut milk?

- The one that Bobbie said you couldn't

because of the "no machetes in the bar" rule?

- Yeah, and that wasn't even a rule

until she saw me with it.

I mean, it's supposed to be America, right?

[sighs]

Well, anyway, I used a hammer instead.

Fun fact: coconuts roll.

But don't you worry. I will get your pen back.

- How? - I am not a total loser.

I can do stuff.

Takoda, can you get Steve's pen?

It fell into the crack.

- I warned you someone could get hurt.

- [scoffs] He lost his pen, not his toe.

- Hey, Emmett.

You got any idea how to get Steve's pen out of here?

- Have you tried dynamite?

Step aside. I'll get it.

[groans] Gabby, give me something sticky.

- It's fine.

I was done with it anyway.

- Are you sure you want to use that knife?

Wouldn't it dull the blade?

- Oh, trust me, this knife is really, really tough.

[blade snaps and clatters]

- You know what you should have used?

A machete.

- * Sometimes it feels like a big ol' fight *

* To get through the day *

* And sleep on through the night *

* But here you'll find a place *

* That'll surely lift your spirits *

* You belong at Happy's Place *

- I'm so sorry, Emmett.

- Oh, it's OK. It's just a knife.

- What's going on out here?

Takoda texted, said y'all needed help.

- You ratted me out?

- I'm not new.

This was going somewhere bad.

- My pen fell in this crack.

- And I broke my knife going after it.

- Why didn't you just use a magnet on a string?

- 'Cause I'm a cook, not a science teacher.

- Gabby, get me Mildred.

- Oh, yeah.

- Whoa!

You named your crowbar?

- Well, it'd be weird if I named all my other tools

and not her.

- I don't think that's the right tool to use, Bobbie.

- Says the man with the broken knife.

I'm just gonna pop open this little part right here.

- Oh!

- Hell, you should have used dynamite.

It would be less damage.

- Here's your pen, Steve.

- Thank you, Bobbie.

Come to Daddy.

You're now safe from the wicked witch of the bar.

- Think anybody will notice?

- I'll get my toolbox.

You took this somewhere bad.

- Hmm. - Hey.

There's a bottle of whiskey hidden in there.

- Oh. - That is so weird.

Who would do that?

- I bet it was Daddy.

Yep.

He was always stashing stuff,

hoping it would be worth something someday.

- Oh, that's right. - Yeah.

- Like when he hid those baseball cards.

- Oh, yeah, he waited till they were rare and old,

and then he sold them and went to the World Series.

He loved stuff with themes.

- Like when he hid those $1 bills because he wanted

to go to the strip club.

- That's not funny.

- Oh, I was kidding. - Mm-hmm.

- So what do you think this whiskey was for?

[gasps] Maybe he wanted to go to the Kentucky Derby.

- [laughs] No. - No, no.

- No, he loved horse races but not enough to be in Kentucky.

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, I found it.

I found out why Daddy stashed that bottle.

- Blueprints?

- Back then, he wanted to build a patio with a whiskey barn.

- Patio is a good idea.

You know, food just tastes better without walls.

- When I first started working for him, he made me promise,

cross my heart, that one day, we would be together,

having drinks on that patio. [sighs]

- I'm sorry you didn't get to do that.

- Yeah, me too.

But maybe he'd be happier knowing

that his two daughters will be doing that.

- Mm, you don't think he'd rather be alive?

- Oh, stop it!

Get online and see how much this sucker is.

- Selling hidden liquor-- feels so dangerous!

- [laughs]

It's not exactly bootleggin', but me too.

Hey, if we start building soon, we could get the patio

finished by midsummer.

- Wait, Bobbie, look at this.

This can't be right.

We could build a whole bar with this.

- Clearly you've never built anything.

But if that's even close, I can finally keep my promise.

- [sighs] Wow.

You know, last year, I found $20 in my pocket,

but this is way... [singsongy] Better.

- You know, Daddy always said the bar will provide.

Man, was he right.

- Is there anything alcohol can't fix?

.

- Hey, Emmett.

You got a minute?

- Yeah, I've got a minute,

but I'm gonna use it for myself.

- I just wanted to let you know that I feel terrible

that you broke your knife helping me.

So don't worry. I will be replacing it.

- Oh, I'm good.

- Don't be silly.

What's a chef without his knife?

Just a man in a funny hat.

- Well, look around. I got plenty of knives.

And hell, you can't throw a knife in here

without hitting another knife.

- Sure, sure, but I know this was a special one for you.

- Yeah, it was special.

I used it out back once to kill a rat.

- What? How could you do that?

- It was a rat, Steve.

- No, not the rat, the knife.

How could you treat it like that?

- How was I supposed to treat it,

take it to the movies?

It was a crappy knife.

- Maybe that's true.

Maybe it was crappy.

But you know what you are?

- Confused?

- A jackass.

- What is up with him?

- You don't know?

Check the handle of that knife you broke.

- [sighs] Aw, man.

"From Steve."

- He gave that to you five years ago for your birthday.

- That's why I hate for people to give me gifts.

[upbeat music]

- So we decided to auction it,

and Bobbie's email to the auction house was perfect.

Tell her what you said. - OK, I told them--

- I'll tell her. - OK.

- She said, "You should thank your lucky stars

that a bottle of Heaven's Holler landed in your lap."

- Now tell her what I said at the end.

- [gasps] It was so great. OK, so she--

- I'll tell her. - OK.

- OK, I said, "There's a reason they call it Heaven's Holler.

"The angels took a sip and hollered

all the way from heaven."

- Yeah. - Yes! Ha-ha!

- [laughs]

- Ah, boy, that brings back memories.

Spent a lot of my youth at auctions.

- I feel like there's more to that story.

- My mom used to take me to cattle auctions

because we couldn't afford to go to the movies.

- Yep. There it is.

- I got hooked, you know?

The auctioneer building tension,

ranchers trying to outbid each other,

bulls running in the background--

it was intoxicating.

- That smell always is. - Yeah.

All right. So listen up, ladies.

When we get there, you follow my lead.

- Oh, Gabby, you're not going with us.

- [scoffs] OK, I got to.

I am your auction expert.

- It's sweet that you want to help, but we got this, OK?

Did you hear that email?

both: Flawless!

- Listen to me,

painting a fun and fancy-free image of auctions,

but there is an underbelly too.

- Oh, I think we can handle the little scary world

of selling old stuff.

- Yeah, until you accidentally buy a black-tagged heifer.

And no one believes that you were just trying to wave down

your mom, who was getting into a pickup truck

with a rodeo clown.

[phone rings]

- [gasps]

It's the auction house.

Hi, this is Bobbie.

- OK, let's give her a second.

They probably need to go over logistics.

So what did you do with the cow?

- Oh, my mom took her to a farm upstate

so she could play with other cows.

- OK. Thanks for calling.

- That was quick.

- It's an auction house. They talk fast.

- What did they say?

- Well, they said it was too late

to get our bottle into the auction today

and we'll have to come back next month.

- Well, there goes getting a patio anytime this summer.

I'm sorry, Bobbie.

- Don't be.

For the last 10 years, I haven't

kept my promise to our daddy.

That ends today.

Come on, Ethel.

.

- I'm sorry, Bobbie.

I wish we could make it part of the auction.

Bottles of Heaven's Holler are hard to find.

- Not if you have a crowbar.

- If it's so rare, what's the issue?

- Well, we print our catalogs months in advance,

and that builds interest in the items,

And that makes for higher bids.

- Well, what if we built interest in our whiskey bottle

right now? - Well, how would you do that?

- Well, she's got a degree in psychology.

She can sell ice to a penguin.

- Off the record, if I saw there was some buzz in the room

for this bottle, well, I think I might be able

to bend the rules a bit and auction it.

- Thank you. - Thanks.

- Yes.

- What does a psychology degree have to do with sales?

- What's it got to do with anything?

I was just trying to make you sound impressive.

- Not that I condone this, but next time,

you could call me Doctor.

- OK, follow my lead.

Lucky for us, I could sell a rosary to the pope.

- [laughs]

- [humming]

[gasps]

As I live and breathe,

a bottle of Heaven's Holler whiskey?

I've never seen one in person before.

- [with Southern accent] Peanut butter and pork rinds!

It really exists!

- Oh, I know about Heaven's Holler.

It's pretty rare.

Haven't seen one in years.

- Perhaps because it's pretty rare.

- [chuckles] Quite so.

- My grandpap was always on the lookout for some of this.

He said it was the Bigfoot of bourbon.

- Bigfoot of bourbon?

- Peanut butter and pork rinds?

- I also heard it holds medicinal properties.

- Well, as they say, what whiskey will not cure,

there is no cure for. [laughs]

- [laughs]

Yes, that is what they say.

- OK, don't push.

There's plenty to go around.

Oh, no, there's just one bottle, and I'm gonna buy it.

- Oh!

Not sure how you're gonna buy it,

since I'm going to win it at auction.

- Oh, quite sure of ourselves, are we?

- Quite sure.

- May the best paddle win.

Mm.

- Looks like you just sold the pope a penguin.

- Is that how I sound to you?

[upbeat music]

- Brought you some tater tots.

- Don't think for a second you can erase your cruelty

with deep-fried carbs.

- I made them extra crispy.

- Leave them.

Mmm. Mm.

Is there something else?

- Yeah.

I thought I'd apologize.

- OK.

Hello. When?

- Settle down.

I don't do this a lot.

So when you gave me that knife, it didn't mean much to me.

- I'm just going to break in and let you know

this isn't going well.

- It didn't mean anything to me because you didn't either.

- And it just keeps getting worse.

- I don't look for friends, Steve.

Never have.

Not because I didn't want any.

- Then why?

- I guess it's because I didn't want any.

- I never looked for any friends

because I was afraid I would never find any.

- And yet...here we are.

- Here we are.

- So now if you ever give me anything,

just know it will mean a hell of a lot.

- I'm not giving you another knife.

- I understand.

- Emmett, wait.

- Thank you.

- Don't kill any rats with it, psycho.

- Enjoy your tater tots, jackass.

.

[applause]

- This is it. We're up.

It's so exciting. - Yep.

- All right, well, our next item,

a late addition not listed in your catalogs, is quite a find.

Sippingwhiskey.org calls it a velvety gem of a libation.

- BobbieandIsabella.org call it a patio in a bottle.

[chuckles]

- A limited release, this bottle of Heaven's Holler

is from the exceptional vintage year of 2001.

- How cool.

That's the year I was born.

That whiskey and I are the same age.

- Huh, that's weird.

- Truth be told, you won't find a better

small batch whiskey than a Heaven's Holler from July 2001.

- Wait, July?

That's the month I was born.

- Jiminy Christmas!

The month I was born, Daddy bought a bottle of whiskey

for us to share.

- Weird gift for a newborn.

- For when I was older.

Daddy bought that bottle to share with you.

That's not patio whiskey.

- [gasps] It's Isabella whiskey.

- Yes! Oh!

Peanut butter and pork rinds, we got to get it back.

- Let's start the bidding at $2,000.

$2,000, thank you, sir.

Do I hear $2,500?

- $2,500. - $2,500.

- What are you doing? - Winning some hooch.

- $3,000? Do I hear $3,000?

$3,000, thank you, sir.

- $3,500! - $3,500.

- What? What about the patio?

It was Dad's dream.

- It was also his dream

to save that bottle for his daughter.

- Do I hear $4,000? $4,000.

Thank you. - Oh.

$4,500!

- $5,000!

- $5,000 to the gentleman. $5,000, $5,000--

- Bobbie, stop.

We came here to make money, and that's more than we need.

- All right, the bid is $5,000.

Do I hear $6,000? $6,000.

- But Daddy wanted that bottle for you.

- I know, but it didn't happen,

and that's OK.

I care more about getting our patio

than a bottle I only found out was mine,

like, five seconds ago.

- Going once, going twice.

- Are you sure?

[gavel bangs] Sold to bidder number 33.

Congratulations, sir, you've just won yourself

a truly remarkable spirit.

- Well, there's that.

- Yep.

Bottle is gone.

Don't have to worry about it anymore.

We can just enjoy the thought of our new patio.

- Are those happy tears?

- No.

- But you said selling the bottle of whiskey

was the right thing to do.

- And now I regret it!

How could I care so much about something I only found out

was mine five seconds ago?

Why did it take me ten to realize it?

- Honey, I am so sorry.

Maybe we could stop the sale or buy it back or do something.

I don't know.

- Bobbie, face it.

It's over. There's nothing we can do.

- Yeah. - Aah!

- Oh!

- What are you doing here?

- OK, there's no time.

I'm here to save you rubes.

Do you want your bottle back?

- Desperately. - How'd you know?

- Oh, please. Go to a cattle auction.

People with seller's remorse are as common

as wannabe cowboys with fake horns on their truck

and fake boobs on their wives.

- Can you help us? - OK, maybe.

Did you sign an auction listing agreement?

- No. We didn't sign anything.

- OK, perfect.

[clears throat] Mr. Auctioneer, point of order.

You mentioned that that bottle

was never listed in the catalog.

And if I'm not mistaken, that is a breach of protocol.

And if not protocol, well, then certainly tradition.

And if not tradition, sir, then no doubt common decency.

Am I right? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Am I right?

- Yeah! [claps]

- I mean, what's next,

taking the ear tag off of a red Angus

and putting it on a Belted Galloway

just to get an extra 70¢ a pound?

- Not cattle.

Not cattle.

- Furthermore, my clients inform me that you never

had them sign an auction listing agreement,

which means you have no legal right

acting as seller's agent.

Ipso facto, there was no sale to take place,

which means my clients would like their whiskey back--

no, bottle back.

Whiskey back means something else.

I know because I am also a bartender.

[cheers and applause]

- Are you people for real?

- Oh, we're very real.

And I should know.

I'm a doctor.

- Thank you. No hard feelings.

- Just take the bottle. Get out.

- OK, look, I know you're mad, and I totally understand.

Could I interest you in a free coupon to Happy's Place?

- Security!

- I'll leave it at the front. Run!

[upbeat music]

* *

Mm.

Salud. [glasses clink]

- Cheers.

Mmm, perfection.

What do you think?

- [coughs] Wow.

So this is what $5,000 whiskey tastes like.

- [chuckles]

- Are my feet supposed to feel numb?

- That's when you know you got the good stuff.

It's either that or it puts hair on your chest.

- Hell, this will put hair on my feet.

- [laughs]

- [chuckles]

Are you OK you didn't get to build the patio for Dad?

- Well, we'll do it someday.

But we'd have never gotten this bottle back.

You know, it's like I feel him sitting here with us, smiling.

[sighs]

- Shall we pour one out for him?

- Are you crazy?

I said it's a feeling.

[indistinct chatter]

- That's amazing, Gabby.

I mean, who would have known going to that many

cattle auctions would be useful?

- It's so nice when a deprived childhood

finally comes in handy.

I'm still waiting.

- Well, was I a hero today?

Sure.

Should people hoist me on their shoulders, chanting my name?

Absolutely.

Should the mayor give me the key to the city?

Probably. I emailed him.

I haven't heard back yet. [laughs]

- Whatever you do, just don't yell at Emmett.

He'll get all mushy and make you tater tots.

- Aww! - [laughs]

- Can someone fetch Mildred?

I'm gonna need to hit Steve.

[laughter]

- I love working here. - [sighs]

- Aw, that's sweet.

- Thank you, Daddy. Once again, the bar provides.

[glasses clink]

Love, y'all. - Love you.

- Cheers.