Original subtitles

- OK, that covers operating expenses with the exception

of workers' compensation, which I have included

in the health and retirement stack for the sake

of speeding things along.

- I wish you'd have thought of that two naps ago.

- OK, so the tax savings from the loan,

which was taken at 3%, were offset by the

third-quarter losses due to the exigent circumstances.

[chuckles]

That's accounting talk for "business was slow."

[chuckles]

Am I boring you, Bobbie?

Because I don't have to go over everything.

You can just sign the Tavern's tax forms

and move on with your life.

- We can do that?

You was doing all this just to torture me?

- I was doing this because

I thought it might be nice for you to see what I do.

- Aw, that's nice.

It's not. Give me the pen.

- Phew. Sorry I'm late.

But I swear those kindergartners

are deliberately taking longer to cross the street.

- Perfect timing.

Put your signature right there next to mine.

- Oh. Shouldn't we go over these first?

- [groans]

Why can't you just sign something

without having to read it?

- It says right here, "I swear I've read everything,"

under "penalty of perjury."

- Perjury? I don't even know what that is.

- It's lying. - I know.

I'm committing perjury.

Oh, my gosh! And look, I'm not even in jail.

Just sign it so we can quit wasting Steve's time.

- No, no, no.

Trapped in a town without a vibrant theater scene--

this is my Broadway.

And, Isabella, I can go over those with you if you want.

- Oh, good.

And to be clear, it's not that I don't trust your work.

- What?

What is that supposed to mean?

- It just means I completely trust you.

I know you're great at your job.

I just need to check everything myself.

- You wanna borrow my invisible strangle rope?

- Isabella, those two sentences

don't actually agree with each other.

If you have to check, then you don't trust.

- I have to check.

- Fine.

Check away, Detective Hurtful.

- I feel terrible.

- Oh, don't worry about it. He'll get over it.

- And here are your personal taxes back, Bobbie.

Consider yourself collateral damage!

- ♪ Sometimes it feels like a big ol' fight ♪

♪ To get through the day ♪

♪ And sleep on through the night ♪

♪ But here you'll find a place ♪

♪ That'll surely lift your spirits ♪

♪ You belong at Happy's Place ♪

- You need to fix this.

Hang on.

Did you take any accounting courses in college?

- No, but I wrote a paper once on personal accountability.

- Do you think that adds to this discussion?

- No.

- No, it doesn't!

Now, get out there and apologize to Steve

and make this right.

- Or we could just do our own taxes.

- If I have to spend the final years of my life

doing my taxes, they will also be your final years.

- Fine.

You know, "please" would work, too.

[laughs] But threats are good.

You do you.

- You see that dead squirrel out back?

- I did.

Reminds me of how beautiful yet fragile life truly is.

- Good, then you won't mind scraping that little

fur pancake off the sidewalk.

'Cause it's drawing flies.

- Good morning, everybody.

If you notice, I'm behaving differently.

Don't worry.

I have embarked on a health journey

to prepare my body for pregnancy.

- Your journey is gonna take a lot longer

if you keep walking like that, Gabby.

- See, I'm taking baby steps

because my new watch is tracking them.

- You stole the watch off a baby?

- No.

The watch says I need to take 10,000 steps.

It doesn't say how big.

Also, starting today, no alcohol and no caffeine.

My body is a temple deserving of worship.

- Absolutely.

That's true for everybody.

- Oh.

When you make things about everybody, it's less about me.

Mm.

- Well, I hate to crap on your self worshiping,

but you're drinking my coffee.

- Oh, damn it!

- Maybe you just need somebody to hold you accountable,

like a trainer.

- Mm-hmm.

Somebody scary.

A real hard-ass.

Somebody you'll come to hate.

- Someone like you?

- Like me.

But not me.

- I'll do it. - You will?

You?

OK, do you promise that you will crack the whip?

- I promise to be a friend.

- A friend who cracks the whip?

- A friend who will give you what you need.

- Oh, God.

Well, I'm already starting to hate you,

so I'll give you that.

Come on, Gabby! Gah!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Here you go.

600 calories.

- Takoda tells me you're on a health kick?

- Yeah, I am.

You know, it's only been a couple of hours,

but I would slap the holy off the Pope

for a caramel macchiato.

What?

- Hey, Steve. - Is it?

Wait, ignore that.

I thought you were gonna say good afternoon.

- Steve, I feel awful.

I never wanna hurt you.

I'm really, really sorry.

And I hope you can accept my apology.

- Well, I trust you, but I can't accept your apology

until I've gone over it first.

Tat for tit.

- Don't be like that. - Be like what?

You know, because of my OCD,

people are always questioning if I can handle--

well, life, basically.

But the one thing that no one has ever doubted

is my professionalism.

Until you.

- But I don't.

How can I prove it to you?

- How about you let me do your personal taxes

and file them sight unseen?

You'll just have to believe that I did them correctly.

- Oh.

Wow, I mean, I'd totally let you do that,

but seems like it'd be expensive.

- Oh. No, there will be no charge.

[raspy voice] But one day,

I will come to you and ask you to perform a service.

- [chuckles] When you say it like that,

it sounds like you're the godfather.

- [raspy voice] Please.

It's not like I made you an offer you can't refuse.

[both chuckle]

But I wouldn't.

- Hey, how'd it go with Steve?

- Good. I think.

He'll do the taxes,

but I have to do an unnamed service for him.

Should I be worried?

- Well, I'd say yes, but the worst he could do

is just make you look over his work again

and you already asked to do that.

- Are you sure?

He seemed very serious.

He even stapled his fingers.

- That's just how he has fun.

CPAs only get their kicks twice a year--

tax season and when they can replace the batteries

in their calculator.

- Yeah, maybe you're right. - I am.

And if you'll excuse me, I have to go drop off some taxes.

How's it going, Don Corleone?

- I assume Isabella told you about our arrangement?

- [raspy voice] Well, if she did,

she'd be sleeping with the fish on a mattress.

Sorry, it's been a long time

since I've seen "The Godfather."

- Is she nervous?

- That's what you want, isn't it?

- Yes. She hurt my feelings.

- She didn't mean to.

- Maybe not, but I thought I'd teach her a lesson

about being such a stickler for "the law."

- She is, isn't she?

Did you know that when she pulls up to a stop sign,

she actually sits there for three seconds?

That's why she's always late.

- And she blames kindergarteners?

So, Bobbie,

how would you like to help me?

- Hmm.

[raspy voice] She may want me out,

but he's pulling me back in.

Ha-ha!

That's Godfather, isn't it?

- Well, "Godfather III," so not really.

♪ ♪

- I can't take it! I need caffeine now.

Oh, God.

Nothing?

You're my trainer.

You don't have anything to say?

- About what?

- [scoffs] I'm pouring a cup of coffee,

which I plan on fouling my temple with.

- You know what you need and what you don't.

Not me.

- What an incredibly motivating thing to say.

OK, thank you for your wisdom, Sensei.

- You're very welcome.

- I was being sarcastic.

[whining] You should know because I sound like this.

- You always sound...

[whining] Like this.

- OK, you know what? I am sorry, Takoda.

I don't wanna take this out on you.

You are a good friend,

and I know that you're just trying to help, OK?

You're doing a terrible job at it!

And you don't really seem to care that much.

Plus, you just stand there with that stupid grin

on your stupid face like you know everything

when clearly you know nothing!

And you know what? Keep your damn coffee!

- Feels good to help.

♪ ♪

- So, how'd it go with Steve?

You two look like you were having

a pretty intense conversation.

- Yeah. Yeah. Really intense.

- Did he pull the same service thing with you?

- He did.

He said for the next week,

I have to refer to him as the spreadsheet stallion.

- [chuckles] Well, that's not too bad.

Maybe mine will be that easy, too.

- I doubt it.

Because then he said,

I'm saving the awful stuff for your partner.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Bobbie.

- Emmett?

- Please, please,

tell me you're not doing a service for Steve.

- I am.

I have to refer to him as the spreadsheet stallion

and then throw in an occasional "math daddy."

- Is that it? - Yeah.

- Oh, well, hell, that's a relief.

I'll talk to you later. - OK.

- Oh, hold on a minute.

I owe him a service.

- Why would you do that?

You have your whole life in front of you.

- I'm doing it to prove I trust him.

- That bastard!

That's how he gets you.

He makes it so you have to say yes.

And that yes will haunt you.

- Emmett, if you've got something to say, spit it out.

You're scaring us.

- I got Steve to do my taxes a few years ago.

Thought it'd make it easier.

Easier--pfft.

- What'd he make you do?

- Steve used to have a bully.

- And?

- He used to have one.

- What the heck?

What did that mean?

What happened to the bully?

- He was. Then he wasn't.

- [exclaims]

What is happening?

I just wanted to go over the taxes,

and now I may have to off someone?

- That Steve is one cold-blooded math daddy.

- OK, OK. Let's stop and think.

- Stop and think. - You know Emmett.

- I do. - There's no way he'd get rid

of somebody, right?

- Right. That's crazy.

- Crazy. [laughs]

- Although...

I never found out what happened to the manager I replaced.

- Really? - Yeah.

And then when I went to introduce myself to Steve,

all he said was, you're welcome.

- 3,408.

Ha! Guess what that is.

- How many times I've told you not to come in here?

- No, silly.

That is how many steps I have already gotten in this morning.

That is a new high for me.

- Well, I guess I was wrong when I said Takoda

would be a terrible trainer.

- You said that? - Not out loud.

There's a lot of stuff I don't say out loud.

- You were right.

He is not the best trainer, OK?

He's not even a good one.

He doesn't do anything.

I have to be the one with all of the self-discipline.

[sighs]

- Why does everyone think that sound

doesn't travel through this giant gap in the wall?

- You know what?

I'm glad that you heard.

Because this isn't working out.

- That's cool.

- All right, I wanna be clear

that I am breaking up with you as my trainer.

And it's not me. It's you.

That's also cool.

- That's it. See, right there.

All right, that is our problem.

You let me do whatever I want.

You're supposed to stop me.

That is the job of a trainer.

- I thought a trainer's job

was to help you find your own strength, Gabby.

- [stammers]

I mean, maybe in some cities, that's true.

- See, two of the most important things

about being a parent are love and follow-through.

And now, you know you have that inside of you.

Unless I heard wrong through this enormous hole.

- If I could board it up and still get the food out,

I would.

- So you were teaching me

to believe what you already knew,

which is that I do have it in me.

So by not training me, you were training me,

which makes you the ultimate trainer.

[mimics explosion]

Well, why didn't you just tell me that from the start?

- Because you wouldn't have listened.

- He's right.

I've told you three thousand four hundred and now nine times

to stay out of my kitchen.

But yet here you are.

[upbeat music]

- I got your message. What's going on?

- Steve's going to tell me what my service is.

- What?

I thought you were gonna tell him the deal was off.

- I tried, but he said it was too late.

And I wanted to ask why, but he was staring at me

while drinking an espresso with his little finger

pointed out, which was somehow silly and scary

at the same time.

- Why did you have to make such a big deal

about signing the taxes?

- I'm an idiot, OK?

I swear I'll never be responsible again.

- Your fate has been decided.

Are you prepared to hear?

- We don't have to do this.

I swear, I've learned my lesson.

- So you will never read anything

before you sign it ever again?

- Well, I mean, I've got to read some things.

- Nah, wrong answer.

Close your eyes.

- Oh, come on, Steve. Have a heart.

She didn't know she was being stupid.

- Then I'll teach her.

Close your eyes.

- OK.

- Take this pen.

Now sign.

- But I can't see. - And you must trust.

Face your fear. Sign!

- I'll help you. I'll help you.

Oh, your hands are sweaty.

- Whoo-hoo!

[laughter]

- We got you good, girl.

- You got me? - Mm-hmm.

- How did you get me?

- Your tax returns.

- You're getting a refund.

You're welcome.

- Wait, you guys have been messing

with me this entire time?

- Pretty much.

- [titters]

You should have seen the look on your face.

- [mockingly] Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Look at that. - No. No.

- Oh, God.

Bobbie, I really wish you would've told me this sooner.

- [stammering] What's going on?

Why do you have that look on your face?

- Yeah, what's the issue?

- I lied.

I didn't trust Steve.

And when I thought he was doing something crazy

with our tax returns, I--

I--

- You--you--

- You called the IRS?

Isabella, people who work at the IRS don't call the IRS.

- Well, don't blame me.

You two were the ones who were acting weird.

- I was just helping Steve pull a silly little prank on you,

not turn you into the FBI!

- What's the big deal?

I mean, it's not like you have anything to hide, right?

- Just because you're not speeding doesn't mean

you're happy to see the police lights behind you.

- I'm sure it'll be fine, Bobbie, OK?

Don't sweat it.

Although--

- What? Although what?

You don't end a sentence like that.

You gotta follow through.

- Why did Steve go running like he'd done something wrong?

- You're right.

He ran out of here like a rabbit on a racehorse.

- I'm cutting a deal. I'm sorry.

- What?

- This is going to break bad,

and I have to get in front of it.

So I called the IRS.

- What is this? Call the IRS Day?

- Wait.

You're--what do you mean you're cutting a deal?

- I'm not gonna take the fall for this.

I'm sorry, Bobbie, but I told him--

I told him this would come back to haunt us.

- Who? You told who?

- Happy, your father.

He had a, let's just say,

creative approach to the Tavern's accounting.

There are things he didn't tell you about.

- Oh, my God.

- My daddy kept no secrets from me.

- [clears throat]

- Oh, my God.

- But this is all on Happy, right?

I mean, Bobbie didn't know about it,

so isn't she innocent?

- Right. Exactly.

I don't mean to throw Daddy under the bus,

but seeing how he's already dead--

- It's not that simple, Bobbie. I wish it was, but it's not.

- What do you mean it's not that simple?

- As the manager,

your signature is also on the returns.

- Oh, my gosh.

What am I gonna do?

I should get a lawyer. Should I get a lawyer?

- Mm-hmm.

- I would ask my mom, but she doesn't like

to take cases she'll probably lose.

- And after I cut my deal, you're going away for life.

- How does this happen?

I'm a good person. I follow the rules.

- Well, not all of them.

- What are you talking about?

- You don't always read something before you sign it.

Ha-ha! - [guffaws]

- Got you. - [giggling]

- I hate you both.

When did you turn on me?

- After Emmett.

She didn't believe him, so she confronted me.

- Yeah, and once he caved, I figured

if you can teach me a lesson, I can teach you one, too.

Tit for tat.

- You're saying that wrong.

- I'm gonna be late tomorrow, Bobbie.

I'm walking a 10K.

♪ ♪