Original subtitles

- I picked up your order from the printers.

- Oh, the anniversary flyer.

Let me see.

Oh, it looks great!

- What the heck?

He only gave us one.

- I only ordered one.

This is for the regulars, and they know where to look.

- The anniversary party is on?

I just heard Tall Kathy talking to Short Kathy about it.

- It's on.

- Yes!

Oh, Izzy, you are going to love this.

We have a raffle and karaoke, and there's a roast.

- Who gets roasted?

- The regulars.

Every year, Daddy would emcee, and he loved them so much

that he'd just rip them to shreds.

- He's like Joan Rivers and Don Rickles just rolled into one.

You know, he'd be all like, zing, zing, zingity-zing!

- OK, the bar is absolutely buzzing

about the anniversary party.

- But who's going to emcee?

Happy left some really big shoes to fill.

- I've got somebody in mind.

They know the tavern, naturally funny,

and they have a gorgeous mane of red hair.

- Oh, Bobbie, I'm flattered,

but I don't think I need to dye my hair.

- I'm talking about me, ya hockey puck.

Zing, zing!

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I just was confused because I'm the obvious choice.

- You really think you're the obvious choice

to replace my dad?

- [chuckles] My mistake.

I thought we were going off comedic talent, not nepotism.

Zing, zing.

- Oh, OK.

Maybe we just take it down a notch.

- Happy you always said that if anyone thought

they were funnier than him,

they could challenge him for the job.

- That would be up a notch.

- I live for drama.

- You know what?

Game on.

- Oh, all right.

Challenge accepted.

- I have a bad feeling about this.

- Oh, don't worry.

We'll still be friends, right?

- Yeah, this is just two friends

having a friendly competition.

- Two funny ladies being funny.

It'll be great.

And Emmett and Takoda can judge.

- I'm already bored.

Wake me up when there's drama.

- ♪ Sometimes it feels like a big ol' fight ♪

♪ To get through the day ♪

♪ And sleep on through the night ♪

♪ But here you'll find a place ♪

♪ That'll surely lift your spirits ♪

♪ You belong at Happy's Place ♪

- Boy, it smells good in here.

- Must be the grease cleaner.

Highly toxic with just a touch of lemon scent.

- Have I ever told you how valuable you are?

- Once. Just now.

What do you want?

- Want? Me?

I want for nothing.

OK, I want you to promise me that you'll vote for me

'cause I want to be the emcee

at the anniversary party.

- Mm-hmm. No.

- Come on, Emmett, what's the big deal?

- I realize you don't know anything about judging

a talent contest.

The decision should be made on talent and talent alone.

And that's what America expects,

and that's what America deserves.

- 2:03 and Emmett has lost his mind.

- I thought you were looking forward to this competition.

- Only if I win.

Do you have any idea why nobody ever challenged Daddy?

- 'Cause they didn't want to get fired?

- No, 'cause he was the heart and soul of this place.

That's when he let it shine.

I want people to think of me the same way.

- Then win the damn thing.

Winning doesn't mean anything if it's not fair and square.

I'm not going to take that away from you.

- Fine.

2:04, Emmett turned into a traitor.

- 2:04?

Time for my break.

- So how's prepping for the big showdown with Gabby going?

- It's hard to tell.

These walls may talk, but they sure don't laugh.

- Hey.

I just told two people at the bar a funny story,

and they said, and I quote--

[laughing]

- Well, I'm so glad you're into the competition, Gabby.

Me, too. - Hm, really?

- Oh, yeah.

I said something to Isabella, and she laughed so hard

that she smashed her head on the desk.

- Ow?

- Yeah, well, I better get back out there, you know?

Oh, what's that now?

They're calling me the new Happy.

Oh, I'm coming, Tall Kathy.

Hold your horses.

- I'm kind of jealous of this competition you're in.

It reminds me of when I was on the debate team in college.

Not to brag, but we were undefeated.

- That is bragging.

And very interesting.

I actually know of a way that you can be

part of the competition.

- How fun.

What do you need me to do?

- Help me destroy Gabby.

- OK.

Want to help, but not sure I'm comfortable destroying someone.

- No, I just want you to help me with my act.

- Oh.

Oh, my gosh, of course.

This is exactly like speech and debate.

Oh, man, I'm so excited.

Let's make those Barnard girls cry!

- Oh, OK.

Well, I have some material ready.

It just needs a little polishing.

- Great. Persuade me.

I mean, make me laugh.

- Yeah.

All right, so I'm gonna start off

by introducing myself,

and then I'm gonna do the crowd work.

- Oh, love that.

- Yeah.

And then I'm gonna say, nice hat.

And then I'm gonna go into my hat jokes.

- Who are you saying "nice hat" to?

- Emmett.

I'm gonna give Emmett this hat.

- You think Emmett is going to put on a funny hat?

- OK, maybe I get rid of all the hat jokes.

I'm just gonna go into my routine, OK?

- So excited.

- OK. [laughs]

Two bartenders are fighting over what the best drink is,

and one says it's--

- Bobbie, look up. - What?

- Well, you want to look at the audience.

- Oh, right.

OK.

Tell your monkey that's how we make it in New York!

Come on.

That's hilarious.

- I feel like you left out the middle.

- You made me look up.

What's the matter with me?

I'm funny.

I know a lot of people say they are, and they're not, but I am.

- I know what's going on.

This means a lot to you, and you're trying too hard.

- Yeah, you're right.

I gotta loosen up.

- Same thing would happen to my friend Kristi on debate team.

- Yeah? - She was naturally persuasive.

She convinced me to get a mullet once.

But put her behind a podium, and she'd freeze.

- I don't want to freeze.

- You won't.

Not with a three-time collegiate champ

in your corner.

Now give me those cards.

You don't need these or this silly hat.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, Takoda.

Need any help?

- Sure, Gabby. Can you help me chop?

- Yeah.

I love chopping.

Chop, chop.

Chop o'clock.

On it.

You know, carrots can improve your eyesight.

- And your soup.

- So true.

Question for you.

Are you as worried about our friendship as I am?

- Why would you ask that?

- Well, I'm sorry, I just--

I have to be honest.

We used to be solid.

Like a rock.

Or Emmett's forearms.

But lately, I'm just not sure where your loyalty lies.

- I apologize.

Maybe I've been distant.

My wife says I do that sometimes.

- Well, don't sweat it.

I know you've got a lot on your plate.

Even more now that I've done all this chopping.

[laughs]

Everything will be fine once you just

vote to make me the new emcee.

- No, that wouldn't be fair to you or Bobbie.

- Well, it would be if Bobbie didn't know.

- Aha!

Busted!

I can't believe you're trying to get

Takoda to compromise his sacred duty as comedy judge.

Where's your integrity?

- It ran away with yours.

To Hypocrite Island.

This is just like when you asked Emmett for his vote.

- How did you know that?

- I didn't, until just now!

- Does she know that you've got Isabella to help coach you?

- [gasps]

- Do you know you're not part of this conversation?

- Oh, so you couldn't go at it alone, huh?

I must really have you rattled.

- I don't rattle.

I roll.

- Can you believe she went to Isabella for help?

How pathetic.

- We can't let this party divide us.

It's the opposite of what Happy would have wanted.

- Yes, of course. Exactly. Well said.

Come on.

A French fry joke?

[chuckles]

Oh, shoot, it's good.

Did you hear any of that?

- No, unlike you, I don't press my ears

to unsanitary surfaces.

- Isabella is in there helping Bobbie.

OK, that is not playing fair.

- And you're telling me this because?

- Because I know that you used to help

Happy with his material.

In secret.

- He told me he would take that to the grave.

How do you know that?

Are you doing seances again?

- Yeah, but that's not how I know.

There was a certain Steve-ness to Happy's roasts, you know.

Good-natured with just a dash of harm.

- I'm flattered you noticed my duality.

- So will you help me?

- It depends.

Why is this important to you?

- Because I have never won a competition in my whole life.

I used to think it was because I'm not competitive,

but my mom told me it's because I suck.

You know, I have never made her laugh.

Not once.

- I'm in.

- Yes!

OK, so I thought I would start with just a little bit--

- Uh, uh, uh.

If we're working together,

there is one rule.

You have to do exactly what I say.

- I mean, is that necessary?

- You want to be a winner? - Yes.

- Then hear and obey.

- Oh.

- Give me your first joke. - Oh.

Yes, sir.

[chuckles] I started bartending--

- Too slow.

Pace.

Again.

- I started bartending here--

- Too fast.

Where is the rhythm?

Again. - I started bartending--

- Again. - I started bartending--

- Again! - I started bartending here--

- Again! Higher.

- I started bartending-- - Lower.

- I started bartending here-- - Physically lower.

- Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah?

Bah bah bah.

Bah bah.

[laughing]

Hilarious.

- What's with the code?

You worried about somebody stealing your material?

- Oh, of course not.

We're all family here.

- Hi, guys.

I don't need to see your "jokes."

I've been working with Bobbie on her delivery,

and she's got this in the bag.

- Oh, no, I forgot all the times

Bobbie told stories so uproarious,

we laughed till we cried.

Oh, wait, that never happened.

- Have you forgotten that you're dealing

with a psychology major?

I know that confident facade is covering the fact

that you're actually shaking in your boots.

- I don't wear boots.

They're germ buckets.

Let's put a little wager on who's going to win this.

- Brilliant idea.

You should have to put your money where your mouth is.

- Great. What's the bet?

- That's it.

If Bobbie wins, you have to put your money

where your mouth is

and kiss a dollar bill.

[trilling]

Mwah.

- I'll take that bet.

'Cause the only thing my confidence is covering

is more confidence.

- Mm-hmm.

Professor Reese would call that deflecting.

- I'm afraid to ask, but what if Gabby wins?

- When Gabby wins, Isabella cannot mention

having gone to college

for a whole entire day.

- You two are out for blood.

- Game on!

- Yeah, you're running.

You're running because you're scared.

- I'm not the first person to run when you were behind them.

- Oh, hilarious.

- Enough!

This competition is tearing us apart.

- I agree.

And it's her fault.

You know, when you point your finger at somebody,

you have three fingers pointing back at you.

- Oh, wow, she's right.

Look at that, huh.

- In the spirit of Happy's Place, can't one of you

just step aside for the other one?

- Aw, that's a lovely suggestion.

How about it, Gabby?

Are you ready to step aside?

- Oh, Bobbie, you know that normally

I would do anything for you.

But the truth is, there's a lot of things I can't do.

Parallel park.

Anything tennis.

But every night, I stay up and I watch those late night

TV hosts, and I whisper to myself--

[whispering] Gabby, you could do that.

And if I could do that here, well, I mean,

it would just validate my entire existence.

- Bobbie, I guess it's up to you.

- Oh, Gabby.

I have to say, no.

Look, this night always belonged to--

our daddy.

Isabella never got to see him shine.

But maybe, just maybe, through me,

she'll be able to get a glimpse of his light.

- Daddy, is that you?

- Oh, come on.

- This is gonna be an impossible decision.

- No.

No, it's not.

You can't win a comedy competition with a sob story.

- I guess it comes down to, would you rather

see me kiss a dollar or have an entire day

where Isabella doesn't remind us she's a psychology major?

[upbeat music]

- Don't you think we should be clear-headed for this?

- I asked myself that same question.

I answered it about five beers ago.

- I don't feel comfortable judging others.

Didn't one of your great teachers say, "Judge not,

lest ye be judged"?

- Yeah.

He's got a lot of stuff.

We use it as we need it.

Let's get this show on the road.

Gabby, you're up!

- OK, this is it.

I can do this. - Mm-hmm.

- You believe in me, right?

- Here's what I believe.

I believe this moment defines who you are,

and you must conquer it, or it will conquer you.

I believe you got one chance,

one shot to prove you are not garbage.

- Holy crap.

Is that from an Eminem song?

- That's how my father dropped me off at elementary school.

- Oh, my God.

Your dad is my mom.

- That's why I decided to help you.

Duh.

- [mouthing]

- This whole thing just makes me sad.

I'm sorry, Emmett.

I won't choose between my friends.

- Speaking of choosing friends, I pick Tall Kathy, huh?

Ever since Short Kathy got divorced,

not fun, am I right?

- Uh-oh, she's good.

- What are you talking about?

Emmett hasn't laughed once.

- Didn't you hear him go "pft"?

That's Emmett's version of rolling in the aisle.

- We're not concerned with what Gabby is doing, OK?

Our only focus is what you'll be doing.

- Oh, dang it!

He did another "pft."

She's killing it up there.

- Bobbie, Bobbie, listen to me.

- Yeah?

- You're ready for this, OK?

You just have to remember the two things we went over

again and again and again because they make

the whole presentation work--

emotional journey mapping and tempo variability.

- This might be a little late to tell you this,

but I don't know what that means.

- Bobbie!

You're up!

- OK. - Crap.

- You know, that was a pretty cheap laugh,

pretending you couldn't even remember

the name of the tavern.

- I wasn't going for a cheap laugh.

I froze.

I actually couldn't remember the name

of the place for a second.

- Oh, sure.

- [sighs] Seriously.

What's really bad, it's--

happens to be the same name as my daddy.

- You might have to teach me that little trick.

I would love to forget the name of my mom.

- Pft!

- Well, if we're talking about cheap laughs,

your nicknames for the staff bit was low-hanging fruit.

- What are you mad about?

I didn't make one up for you.

- What about "Red Thunder"?

That's what you call me around here sometimes, right?

- Pft.

- Not to your face.

- Actually, I don't mind that one.

When Daddy'd get mad at me, he used to call me "Crimson Turd."

- Pft.

- OK, what could possibly be taking so long?

Gabby clearly won this, hands down.

- Oh, please.

Insult humor is so easy.

Where'd you get that sweater,

Really Old Navy?

- Hey, uh, could you both do me a really big favor?

- Sure. - Of course.

- Shut up.

OK, I'm ready.

[grunts]

[sighs] This is what I think.

Gabby, you are damn funny.

- Yeah! - Yes!

You are now an alumni of Who Gives a Crap University.

- Thank you, Emmett.

Um, but, you know,

Bobbie was kind of funny, too.

- Yes, she was.

As a matter of fact, she was great.

- Yes! Ha-ha!

Have fun making out with George Washington.

- Hang on, Emmett.

I don't think I was funnier than her.

- You weren't. - Oh.

- Or vice versa.

- See?

This is why you should have stopped at three beers.

- No matter how funny you two are, you're funnier together.

- Hm.

- When I look out from the kitchen

and you two are behind the bar,

all I see are regular customers laughing.

- I guess we do get them going pretty good.

- And I don't freeze when I'm with you 'cause I know

you can make anything funny.

- Right back at you, Red Thunder.

- [chuckles]

You're the best, Blonde Buzzard.

- So my choice for this year's emcee

would be...

both of you.

- Ugh, boo-hoo. - Lame.

- Aw, I like that.

What do you think, Gabby?

- What do I think? - Yeah.

- I think your dad would be thrilled

that it takes two funny people to fill his shoes.

- Oh.

- OK.

But Steve still has to kiss the dollar bill, right?

- You know what you can kiss?

- You are indeed a wise judge, my friend.

Even with a buzz on.

- [laughs]

all: Zing!

- Pft!

[laughter]