Original subtitles

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

Claudine Longet: ♪ The lady thinks he's in love ♪

♪ But she's not sure he's in love ♪

♪ So there's a flea in her ear ♪

♪ A bee in her bonnet ♪

♪ And a tear in her eye ♪

♪ Because he's not what he seems ♪

♪ The lady plots, and she schemes ♪

♪ So there's a flea in her ear ♪

♪ A bee in her bonnet ♪

♪ And her cares multiply ♪

♪ The question now is shall she go or stay ♪

♪ Who's to say? ♪

♪ Will love find a way? ♪

♪ The lady hopes he's in love ♪

♪ But if he's really in love ♪

♪ His love he'll prove ♪

♪ And he'll remove every fear ♪

♪ The busy bee in her bonnet ♪

♪ The flea in her ear ♪

Oh, Gabrielle, darling,

it's so wonderful to be back.

What's that thing for?

It's not for anything. It's the Eiffel Tower.

Oh. After all those years in the Argentine,

one does miss life's little luxuries.

Oh.

Do they all have lovers now?

Who?

All the women in Paris.

Oh, pretty nearly all.

Have you, darling?

Well, I can tell you, Suzanne,

as you're my bosom friend.

I've got someone who's almost my lover.

[gasp] Oh, good heavens.

Ah.

Hello, Henri.

[no audible dialogue]

Whoever's that?

The is the man who's almost my lover.

Henri Tournel, to name no names.

You really mean that...

Sometimes I turn him over in my mind.

I knew it.

You were so lively at the convent.

I knew you'd have a romantic future

full of lovers, duels,

crying your heart out in Venice.

I couldn't believe it when you wrote and told me

that you'd sunk into marriage

with a respectable barrister.

And I couldn't believe it

when you wrote and told me

that you'd been snatched up

by a smoldering South American millionaire.

Why ever not?

Because you were always so quiet at the convent.

I am proud to be a Frenchman, members of the jury.

And as Frenchmen, we can understand

the terrible unhappiness of this young bride

as she sat at home

while her wretched husband indulged in furtive meetings

in third class hotels in the Gare du Nord.

Your Uncle Victor's in splendid form today, Pierre.

Oh.

[speaking incomprehensibly]

Pardon me?

But what is the suggestion of the opposition?

That she plunged a knife

into her husband's faithless heart?

No.

That she shot him with his old service rifle?

No.

My ingenious friend suggests

this young, innocent girl relied as a murder weapon

solely on a large plateful of snails.

Members of the jury, would you believe

that a true daughter of France

could ruin the flavor of one of our great national dishes

by so much as a grain of arsenic?

[muttering]

Come on, Pierre. I'm going to be late for the opera.

Another triumph, Chandebisse.

- Thank you. - Congratulations, Chandebisse.

- Thank you. - Brilliant defense, sir.

[garbled] You were absolutely wonderful, Uncle Victor.

Thank you, my boy. She was either a brilliant murderess

or an absolutely ghastly cook.

- Good win, Chandebisse. - Thank you.

You've met my nephew Pierre Chandebisse.

No.

Going to be a brilliant barrister, my boy,

- like your uncle? - Oh, yes.

[garbled] There's only one thing stopping me, however.

Lovely weather. Yes. Quite so.

He said there was only one thing stopping him, however.

Really? What's that?

[whispering] He has no roof to his mouth.

We hope to do something about it.

Ah?

Goodbye.

Here we are.

Would you mind waiting a minute, please?

Will you and Don Carlos

be coming to the opera tonight?

Of course.

Oh, good. Everyone we know in Paris will be there.

[giggling]

Dare we say gorgeous?

Quite irresistible.

Irresistible.

Well, that's what's needed, to say the least.

Now, I want it to be a surprise.

Please have it sent 'round.

Today, Madame?

Yes, certainly today without fail.

It's extremely urgent.

Of course, Madame.

I understand perfectly.

Have this delivered to Madame Chandebisse,

3 Rue Vandrezanne, this afternoon

as a matter of extreme urgency.

Thank you.

Exactly what I want.

Oh, but, darling, it's extremely unattractive,

not to say discouraging.

- Discouraging? - Yes.

I'll take it.

Gray flannel. Very nasty.

You need something discouraging in my position.

I don't know what you mean.

Your husband's not an insatiable...

What?

An insatiable South American.

That's true.

My husband's not...

South American...

at all.

Oh.

Thank you.

Ah. Clement.

M. Tournel has just arrived, monsieur.

He's waiting for Madame in the drawing room.

Thank you, Charles. I'll go up.

Uh, put the papers in the study, my boy.

Psst!

Give me a kiss.

- Antoinette. - Your husband.

[gasp]

Are you in pain, monsieur?

[garbled] Uh, just some rheumatism, Charles.

Come along, my girl.

You should be helping Madame dress for the opera.

Sorry. I was held up.

Hello, Henri.

Victor.

You look like a bride or something.

I bought a few flowers for Gabrielle.

- For who? - Your wife.

Oh, my wife. You know,

I've been working so hard this last month

that I've hardly had time to look at Gabrielle.

Oh, that's all right, old fellow.

That's all right. I've looked at her for you...

just from time to time, of course.

Oh, extremely kind of you. She's all right, isn't she?

Oh, perfectly wonderful.

It's very nice of you to keep an eye on her.

I was only doing my duty as her friend.

- Of course, my friend. - And as such,

it's naturally my place to keep an eye on Gabrielle.

Of course. Well, I must go and change.

Otherwise, we'll be late for the opera.

♪ [singing in German]

♪ [continue]

I believe you dropped this, Madame.

This is my wife.

Ah. Delighted to meet you.

Don't touch her.

- Shh! - Shh!

What are you wearing those braces for?

To keep my trousers up.

I mean, those are your daytime braces.

What about your beautiful red embroidered evening ones,

the ones I gave you for Christmas?

Nobody sees your braces at the opera.

Victor.

Well?

Do you like it or not?

My goodness. Of course.

Well, uh, let's get some sleep.

Some what?

Well, I had a very hard day,

and then the opera.

What have you done with your evening braces anyway?

Uh, what? Oh, they've disappeared for the time being.

They'll turn up somewhere.

A person must be remarkably careless

to lose his braces.

Victor Emanuel.

Hmm?

Haven't you forgotten something?

Uh, what?

Victor,

most wives don't even have to ask.

Oh, that. I was rather hoping you'd do it for me.

Victor!

Oh, all right. I suppose I can do it for myself.

That better?

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Sign here.

Thank you.

What's that, Charles?

Good morning, Madame.

It's just arrived by post.

- Oh. - For the master.

Oh. I'll take it.

M. Chandebisse, from somewhere

in Montretout.

It's all right, Charles. You can go.

[rattling]

My husband's braces.

He must have left them somewhere,

and it wasn't the Christian Science Reading Room.

Hotel Coq d'Or.

Oh.

Do you know the Hotel Coq d'Or?

Take me there at once.

The Hotel Coq d'Or?

Isn't it a bit early in the day?

Well, it's extremely urgent.

An enthusiast.

- [honk] - [honk]

[laughing]

Come on now, Eugenie, [speaking French]

- Jump to it. - Not when you're a hotel

where the bed's got to be changed quite so often.

What are you suggesting?

- Oh, nothing. - I'll have you know

this is a respectable family hotel.

Husbands and wives come here.

But not at the same time.

My God, if I had that girl under me in the regiment,

I'd make her jump about a bit.

[bell rings, door closes]

We're hardly open yet, Madame.

But of course if this is the only hour of the day

Madame's gentleman can get away to meet Madame...

I merely wish to make an inquiry.

About a reservation for a little recreant?

Most of our patrons find the afternoon more sympathetic.

About a visit here by M. Chandebisse.

Madame's gentleman.

No, he is not my gentleman.

He's my... Whatever he is,

has he ever stayed at this hotel?

Ah.

Madame's the careful sort.

Careful?

Testing me out, Madame, isn't Madame?

I don't know what you mean.

Making sure of our tact and discretion.

You know if I was to give away the names of our customers,

you'd be the first never to come here again.

I know he was here.

Our lips are sealed.

Look at that, then.

Beautiful workmanship.

Very tasteful.

They must come from a very lovely pair of trousers.

You know perfectly well where they came from.

But I've told you, Madame, our lips are sealed.

I'll find out.

I'll find out, I promise you.

I know you men stick together,

shut up like clams.

But let me tell you,

you haven't heard the last of this.

Madame, will you be back this afternoon?

Madame shall have our best room.

The bed's extremely comfortable.

I don't want anything to do with the bed!

[bell rings, door slams]

A pervert.

Charles: M. Pierre?

Dr. Finache to see you, M. Pierre.

[garbled] See me?

Yes, it's you I'm looking for, Pierre.

I was told your uncle didn't take you to court today.

[speaking incomprehensibly]

H-he thought a case of rape

might be a bit embarrassing

for a chap like you?

Your respected uncle doesn't know much about you, does he?

No.

Been to the Hotel Coq d'Or recently?

Shh! Doctor, please.

Oh, I forgot. You're supposed to be

the virginal young nephew.

Yes, we doctors are always catching

little plaster saints with their trousers down,

but, uh...

isn't it the most convenient hotel?

[speaking incomprehensibly]

I brought you something.

What?

A silver roof for your mouth.

At least you'll sound like a human being.

[garbled] It's for me?

Yes, I've brought you a sounding board,

- solid silver. - Oh.

If you're ever hard up, you can pawn your palate.

[door opens]

Victor: Oh, not yet.

Shouldn't he wash it first?

We don't know where it's been.

Your uncle's right, of course.

We'll soak it in boracic.

You should be grateful to your Uncle Victor.

He asked me to make you that little construction.

[garbled] Oh, thank you, Uncle Victor.

Dear boy, I knew you were missing something.

You can become a famous lawyer

without knowing very much about the law,

but you do need some consonants.

- Doctor. - Hmm?

[whispering] I'd, uh, like a word with you.

It was a short case of rape today.

The courts finished early.

I wondered, uh, could you manage lunch at the club?

I'd be delighted.

I'd like your professional opinion.

It's, uh, about my wife.

[speaking incomprehensibly]

Gabrielle.

Gabrielle, I have to talk to you.

Now, you know what you promised.

Really, M. Tournel, I am much too busy now.

"This spring," you said, "I shall take a lover."

As your husband's best friend,

who else could it be but me?

That sort of talk's all very well

when your husband's been faithful,

but when he's being unfaithful, it's impossible.

But, Gabrielle, you promised.

That was when he had his braces.

Now I have his braces, and, oh, goodbye.

Braces?

What does she want to do with braces?

I'd say suspicious, but not absolute proof.

Yes, but, Suzanne, what would you say

if your husband, after having been a husband,

and what a husband,

suddenly stopped?

I'd say "Thank God."

Is that what you'd say?

You'd say "Thank God?"

Well, that's what you say you'd say.

But when a husband's been a raging torrent for years

and then suddenly phfft... nothing.

Oh. Spain's full of dried-up old rivers,

but they're still in the same old beds.

Hmm. All the same, no. There must be someone else.

And you have got to help me find out.

After all, weren't you my bosom friend in the convent?

Tell me what to do.

Well, now, let's see.

Why not go to Victor Emanuel?

Have it out with him.

No, Suzanne. He'd only lie to me.

I thought you'd think of something marvelous,

with your touch of genius.

Yes. I have got that, thank God.

Listen. There's one trick I've seen in plays.

What? Tell me.

It's... It's pretty loathsome.

I mean, I'd only do it to a man.

- Oh. - But you take a sheet

of highly perfumed writing paper,

and on it you write a burning, passionate letter.

Yes?

To your husband.

Oh.

As if it came from another woman.

And you end up by arranging a meeting.

A meeting?

Which you go to, naturally.

And when he comes to meet you,

you've got him.

[gasp] Of course. You're right.

It is rather loathsome,

but the old-fashioned ways are the best.

We'll do it now.

Good.

He might recognize my handwriting.

If you've written to him before.

But he doesn't know yours.

You're going to write it. Waiter.

I couldn't possibly do it.

Oh...

for your bosom chum?

All right.

Now, what sort of writing paper do we need?

Uh... cheap.

I should say pink.

Lascivious and suggestive.

How about mauve?

Mauve would be perfect.

Some sheets of mauve

lascivious and suggestive writing paper, please.

It ought to be drenched in a rather nasty perfume.

And a bottle of rather nasty perfume.

And, uh, to eat, Madame?

Oh, I couldn't eat anything.

Dear sir,

having noticed you the other day

at your box at the races...

Isn't that rather formal for love at first sight?

- Formal? - Well, yes.

It sounds as if you wanted to serve a writ on him.

I think it should be hot, yearning, and rather simple.

- Start writing again. - All right.

Uh...

Dear M. Chandebisse.

Mm-hmm.

I am the girl

who couldn't take her eyes off you

last week at the races.

You see? Hot, yearning, and simple.

[giggling] You're really living the part, aren't you?

You were there with your wife and another man.

Since then, you're all I dream of.

I dream... Oh, isn't that going a little too far?

Girls like that always go too far.

I am ready to commit a folly.

Will you join me?

Join me? Yes?

I'll be waiting for you today.

[pen scratching]

Today.

5:00 at the Hotel Coq d'Or.

Uh...

the room will be booked in the name of M. Chandebisse.

The same hotel?

Won't he be suspicious?

Ha ha. He'll be stimulated beyond endurance.

Just, uh, douse it in that nasty perfume.

[gasp]

Oh. Blotched.

- What a shame. - Yes.

You have to do it again.

Not at all.

That blotch will come in very useful.

Why can't I stop crying when I write to you?

You're brilliant.

Look out, Victor Emanuel.

The Day of Judgment is at hand.

[giggling]

You wanted to consult me about your wife?

Uh, yes. Well, as you know,

Gabrielle is an extremely attractive woman.

I do indeed.

- [balls clink] - Damn.

Since we've been married,

I haven't really been in love with anybody else.

Ah.

What do you mean, ah?

Oh, nothing at all.

Quite honestly, I couldn't possibly

be a better husband.

Aha.

What do you keep on saying "Aha" for?

I really don't know.

What's the, uh, opposite of oysters?

You mean as fish?

No, as promoting love.

I mean oysters, the can-can,

celery, spinach...

they all promote love in a medical sense.

But, uh...

what, uh, what kills it dead?

I suppose thick woolen stockings,

cabbage soup, and, uh...

working out your taxes.

There's one thing you've forgotten.

What's that?

The ninth wedding anniversary.

We've just celebrated ours.

Congratulations.

It's suddenly happened.

Gabrielle said, "We've lived through the last nine years.

Now we're going to be together forever."

When she said that, it was, uh...

The opposite of oysters?

Exactly. You know what I've always enjoyed about love?

The fact that it can never last forever.

Those six months

with the belle Maxine,

that summer with Luciana Gautier,

those Thursday afternoons

with the Duchesse d'Antibes.

And with Gabrielle,

every years was like another love affair.

Until she said "Now we're going to be together forever."

And then... Ooh!

It put you off your stroke.

I'm afraid completely,

and we haven't made a break since.

Now, every time Gabrielle expresses herself willing,

I remember what she said.

Why... Why not pretend you might part one day?

Then you'll feel better.

How can I? I adore Gabrielle, and she adores me.

I'm afraid we'll finish up in a couple of wheelchairs

being pushed down the promenade at Nice,

the least exhaustive married couple in history.

[bicycle bell rings]

[horn honking]

...being that...

Oh, you're in here.

Yes, we're in here.

Oh. Good afternoon, Señora.

M. Chandebisse.

Darling.

Wouldn't you be more comfortable

- up in the drawing room? - Probably.

All the same, we are in here.

Ah. Well.

Cigar?

Thank you.

My husband wants to consult you

this afternoon, M. Chandebisse.

He's making his will.

Oh, yes, of course.

I'm sure it's not necessary in his case.

I had the honor of examining your husband medically

the other day, Señora de Castilian.

What a physique, what stamina.

You should be proud.

And exhausted.

You're home early, Victor.

I just had a short rape this morning.

Didn't take long.

He's probably not joking.

[door opens]

This communication has just arrived,

special delivery, for the master.

Oh, thank you, Charles.

What is it, dear?

Not bad news, I hope.

No, no, dear. Just, uh, business.

[whispering] What did I tell you?

Come upstairs, Suzanne.

Let us leave Victor to his business.

Gabrielle, I brought them...

Flowers at a time like this?

Oh, you'd better go into the study.

[whispering] I'm sure Victor can't wait

to tell him his news.

Men!

But, Gabrielle...

Shall I take your bouquet, monsieur?

Hmm? Oh, yes. Thank you.

Apparently, it was love at first sight.

[door opens]

Victor, Gabrielle seems to be very nervous today.

Henri, you've come at a good time.

Oh, really? What is it?

- Hello, Doctor. - Hello, Tournel.

I've made a conquest. Listen to this.

"I'm the girl who couldn't take your eyes off you

"last week at the races.

You were there with your wife and another man."

Another man. That's you, Tournel,

the first one she saw...

a blurred, anonymous individual.

Oh, thank you very much.

"Since then, you're all I dream of."

- No. - Yes. I'm all she dreams of.

[laughing]

That's odd.

Don't you find it extremely odd, Doctor?

People do have morbid dreams occasionally.

"I'll be waiting for you today

5:00 in the Hotel Coq d'Or."

The Hotel Coq d'Or?

If she knows that place, she must be a connoisseur.

That's where I go for my little adventures.

Henri: Oh.

Oh, my goodness. She wept.

- No. - Yes.

"Why can't I stop crying when I write to you?"

Look, it's drenched.

Strong-smelling tears.

Did you notice any girl looking at us?

Yes, yes, I did notice something.

You know I don't want to brag,

but, uh, I thought it was meant for me.

Oh, for you?

I don't think you were in the box at the time.

Well, it's addressed to M. Chandebisse.

Of course. Your name was on the box,

so naturally...

Oh, you really think that...

Of course. It's obvious.

Doctor, what do you think?

Oh, I must be going, Victor.

I have a long list of patients to finish off.

I mean, uh, well, I must go anyway.

Why don't you go?

Me?

Yes. I'm not free for this afternoon.

I've got a client arriving about his will.

Oh, that's a shame.

Uh, well, uh,

I was looking forward to another little adventure.

Well, it'll have to be postponed.

Oh, really? With whom?

Well, Victor, I couldn't possibly tell you.

But, uh, your unknown beauty will do me for the moment.

Take her with my compliments.

Thank you. Uh, give me the letter.

No, no, no. You don't need that.

All you have to do is go to the hotel

and ask for the room booked in the name of Chandebisse.

Don Carlos de Castilian, monsieur.

Ah, my dear Don Carlos.

Ah, Chandebisse. Buenos días.

You wanted to consult me?

Oh, yes, Chandebisse, to make the will.

Uh, who knows when death will visit us.

Ah, yes. You're probably very wise.

Come and sit down.

Oh, Henri, you're going already?

Just to say goodbye to Gabrielle.

Who is that man?

Henri Tournel.

Now, I'm sure you'll live a very long time.

However, as you say, be prepared.

Here is Paris, the air is no good for me.

Really? I find it very pleasant,

especially this time of year.

Hmm. Night and day I am tormented with jealousy.

Do you agree my wife is a beautiful woman?

Oh, yes, perfectly so.

Let's see, your name is Don Carlos de...

You agree. You can understand.

When I am with my wife, I do not wish to sleep.

When she's away, I am no able to sleep.

How very restless for you.

Any time of the day or night, my honor may be stained.

Oh, come now. I'm sure your wife wouldn't dream...

She would dream, yes,

but I hope she would no do.

She knows I would be terrible.

Really?

Ah, yes.

You see this little toy?

Uh, put that away.

Good heavens, don't play with things like that.

No, no, no. No danger. It's just a deterrent.

All the same...

If I catch her with a man,

he would get a bullet in the back,

which will pass through and come out of the back.

Out of his back?

No. Hers.

Out of her back?

Oh, I see. You think, um, uh...

your wife like, uh...

I think? What do you mean I think?

No, no. Nothing. Nothing at all.

She knows what will happen.

I told her on the wedding night.

Yes, that's charming for her.

Paris is a city full of temptations.

Of course. Don't tell me you don't enjoy

some of the, uh, temptations.

Ha ha. I must admit, yes.

I can be tempted by your beautiful Parisian women

and never feel jealous of myself.

Very tolerant of you.

But they are rather irresistible, aren't they?

Mm, the best in the world.

And so enthusiastic.

Hmm, you're quite right.

Oh, this might interest you.

I got a very odd letter this afternoon.

What is this letter?

A complete stranger.

She's arranging a rendezvous at 5:00

at the Hotel Coq d'Or.

Truly?

Who is this girl who writes to you?

A mystery. It's not signed.

Perhaps one of those anonymous persons.

A woman of the world, sophisticated.

Married, probably.

Why you say this?

- What? - Why you say this?

[imitating Carlos' accent] Why I say this?

I beg your pardon. No, it's the way it's written.

Loose women are much more straightforward,

not so sentimental.

Have a look.

[laughing] Good joke.

A poor stupid husband being cheated.

That makes you laugh, does it?

Such a good joke.

Ohh!

Don't you feel well?

Caramba.

What's the matter?

Her own writing.

My wife's handwriting!

What?

Mongrel.

A snake. Reptile!

My wife sends you letters?

Certainly not.

Anyway, how do you know it's her writing?

Nowadays, all women write alike.

I know it's hers.

Anyway, I'm not going to see her.

It's Henri Tournel.

Henri Tournel? The man who was here?

Good. I shall kill him!

I must tell him.

You wish the bullet in the back?

Uh, no, thank you.

In here.

There?

Hmm.

One sound, and I kill you.

I will give them all the time in the world.

I wish them to arrive at the filthy French hotel.

I wish it consummated.

Then I have my proof.

I will discover them,

and I will kill beautifully.

I need a drink.

Filthy French drink.

Filthy French lover.

Quick. The Hotel Coq d'Or.

She certainly leads a full, rich life.

I'll just go and take off my cap, darling,

and then we're off to the Hotel Coq d'Or.

[speaking incomprehensibly]

Ah, you!

[garbled] Who? Me?

Shameless, lustful, lecherous.

Death will visit us. Good afternoon.

[garbled] Good afternoon.

- Uh... - [knocking]

[knocking]

Help!

Help!

[garbled] Who on earth is that?

Pierre, is that you?

I think so.

Open the door, for God's sake.

Where's that terrible Spaniard?

He's just gone out.

- And Henri Tournel? - Gone out, too.

Good heavens. There's not a moment to lose.

We're about to witness a ghastly tragedy,

- probably a double murder. - [mumbling]

I must find Henri Tournel

and warn him his life's at stake.

- His life's at stake? - Yes, life's at stake.

My heavens, my...

What dramas. My God, what dramas.

Clement!

[speaking incomprehensibly]

Huh? What? It's gone.

My... My...

Ah. There it is.

[mumbling]

[perfect diction] M. Tournel, your life's at stake!

Your life's at stake!

Tell Charles to go to the Hotel Coq...

what's it called... before the balloon goes up.

M. Tournel, your life's at stake!

My God, it works.

About the balloon?

- Oh... - M. Tournel!

The Hotel Coq d'Or. I can't wait.

But I must warn M. Tournel.

It's a matter of life or death.

Some things, darling,

are more important than life and death.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Wait! Wait!

[honk honk]

Victor: Henri! Henri!

Your life's at stake!

Cab! Cab!

[no audible dialogue]

[honk honk]

Hey. Can't you pay attention?

Crazy.

[bicycle bell ringing]

Hotel Coq d'Or.

Filthy French hotel.

[honking]

M. Tournel! M. Tournel!

But it's M. Tournel!

♪ Hotel Coq d'Or ♪

[honking]

♪ Hotel Coq d'Or ♪

♪ Hotel Coq d'Or, Coq d'Or ♪

♪ Hotel Coq d'Or ♪

♪ Hotel Coq d'Or ♪

[honking]

Poche! Where are you, Poche?

Where's that stupid hall porter gone to?

We got a notice for a telegram.

I sent him to the post office to fetch it.

- You sent Poche? - Yes.

But he can't even read a telegram.

He only has to bring it back.

By now he's visited every bar between here and the Eiffel Tower.

He'll return here drunk.

Poche!

At the bottle again, Poche,

you dog's dinner, you.

Did you go to the post office?

Dispatches from the front, chief.

This telegram just came.

To your post!

Heh!

Thank you, chief.

Get going there!

Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup,

hup, hup, hup.

Look at Poche.

Happy as a babe unborn.

The more you hit, the more they love you.

You give such beautiful beatings.

We've got to reserve a good room

and show in anyone who mentions the name of Chandebisse.

Ah. Eugenie. Ready for inspection?

Ready, General.

All present and correct?

I think so, sir.

Bathroom.

Clean towels at the ready?

Yes, sir.

Excellent. Bathroom's essential.

Now, shall we test

the ingenious invention I've just installed?

Do we have to, sir?

Imagine you're a faithless wife.

Passionately embracing your lover.

And you hear your husband pounding at the door,

followed by the police.

What do you do?

Press the button, sir.

Retreat!

And all a jealous husband can find

is my old wreck of an uncle Louis.

My bronchials, my chills.

All right, Uncle Louis. No need to go through all that.

It was just a rehearsal.

On parade at the double.

All present and correct. My duty calls.

All right now, Eugenie, that's enough.

Wake up, you lazy lot!

On parade.

♪

Yes, Madame?

Have you a room, by any chance,

booked in the name of Chandebisse?

Of course, Madame. Number 1,

our very best.

[speaking Japanese]

Mad?

Oh, no, Madame. Merely Oriental.

Madame will find this has every convenience.

Bathroom, naturally.

Bathroom's essential, of course.

The wallpaper's tasteful,

if you have a moment to glance over the wallpaper.

Thank you, but I have no intention of moving in.

Now, if I could just demonstrate

my latest improvement.

Please go away.

Tactless man.

Some people don't know what's good for them.

[pop, hiss]

Hey! Hey!

Hotel Coq d'Or.

Quick! Quick!

You've been deserting us, Doctor.

Number 8 for you.

Number 8? Oh, perfect.

But where's Marcel?

Had to discharge him.

Kept making passes at the customers.

I've got a new hall porter.

Used to serve under me in the regiment.

- Poche! - Never mind.

I know my way.

So you should, Doctor.

Good afternoon!

Eugenie!

Take this lady and gentleman to number 11,

as usual.

[laughing]

[whistling]

Uh, good afternoon.

Which is Mr. Chandebisse's room, please?

Pardon me for mentioning it,

but you're not M. Chandebisse.

I'm here to represent his interests.

Oh, yes. The telegram said

we were to let him whoever mentioned his name.

Madame is already there.

Good.

- This way, sir. - Thank you.

Uh, tell me,

how does she look?

Not too broad in the beam, I hope.

You should know that, surely.

As a matter of fact, I can't remember her very clearly.

Cheer up, sir. She may not have

the sweetest character in the world,

but she's certainly pretty.

Well, I don't come here for character anyway, do I?

Thank you.

[water running]

Henri: Coo-coo.

Coo-coo.

I'll give you coo-coo.

Coo-coo!

It's not him!

Gabrielle! What on earth are you doing here?

M. Tournel. I can't understand it.

Gabrielle, my darling. What a beautiful surprise.

I was saving you for later,

but now fate has brought us together.

M. Tournel, explain yourself, please.

A girl is infatuated with me.

She saw me at the races,

and of course the lightning struck.

What can I do? She wrote to me.

I took pity on her. But, Gabrielle...

But you've got it all wrong!

I wrote that letter to my husband.

You write love letters to your husband?

I wanted to know if he was unfaithful,

if he would come here.

Gabrielle, you wouldn't have me

because he was unfaithful.

Now he sent me,

so he's obviously faithful.

You really think that's true?

Of course.

Oh, I'm so happy.

- Oh, Gabrielle. - So happy.

Now are you sorry you ever doubted him?

Ohh.

You were wrong to suspect him.

And now there is no reason

why you shouldn't deceive him.

Poor dear fellow. Wonderful man.

Of course you are right.

It was wrong of me to suspect him.

Oh, my own dearest Victor,

try and forgive me.

Don't apologize.

Just be mine.

That will be my punishment.

- Let's seize the moment. - Yes.

Now, when our senses are enflamed.

- Yes! - Almost unbearably.

- Yes! - Ah, my darling.

Oh. Where are you taking me?

There.

[gasp] There?

What do you take me for?

Gabrielle, you said...

I said that I would give you

the best part of myself.

- Which? - My head and my heart.

The wrong part. Now, Gabrielle, you agreed...

To be your mistress, yes,

but not to go to bed with you.

What?

Do you think I'll be made a fool of

in front of myself?

Do you imagine I'll go out of here

in the same state as I came in?

- Oh, no. - I'll ring for help.

Go and ring. Wear out your finger.

No one will come in here.

- Aah! - Shout all you like,

my fine, juicy nectarine.

I'm going to have you.

I'm going to have you!

Gabrielle, at last!

My chills. My bronchials.

- Gabrielle! - [coughing]

[gasp]

My husband.

[door closes]

Gabrielle.

Put me down at once!

Gabrielle!

Sex maniac!

Oh, not again.

[speaking Japanese]

[speaking Japanese]

Gabrielle!

This is too much.

My husband's here.

Oh, really? What?

Disguised as a servant.

To spy on us, no doubt.

Oh, my God. What's that?

Oh, my bronchials. My chills.

[coughing]

I don't know. Some sort of invalid.

He suddenly appeared. Go away.

Press the button, then I go.

Really, that's the end, bringing on spectators.

Go back where you came from and stay there.

I'm sorry, Gabrielle, but I'm not responsible for...

- [gasp] - Oh, my God.

Victor Emanuel. My dear old fellow...

It's not what you're thinking.

You mustn't believe all you see.

Don't pass judgment until you've heard us.

The circumstantial evidence may look bad...

- But we're completely innocent. - She's right.

We never expected to meet each other.

It was the letter, you see.

I thought there was another woman.

I wanted to test you. Forgive me.

Forgive us.

Of course, of course, anything you like.

- Ohh. - Ahh.

They've gone mad.

- Thank God. - Thank God.

Oh, please, darling. Curse me, beat me,

but not that terrible cruel laughter.

Beat me, too.

No time. I've got to take this vermouth

to the Oriental gentleman. Excuse me, Madame.

Madame? Call me your little Gabrielle.

What? Gabrielle.

Please, darling, stop chattering

about vermouth and Oriental...

[muttering]

Kiss me.

That's the way. All is forgiven.

Mmm.

Now let's kiss again.

Kiss me, too.

I think you should.

That's better now.

I liked it better with the lady.

Manager: Poche! Where are you, Poche?

On the double, sir.

My chief's calling. I've got to go.

Chief? My poor Victor, what are you talking about?

You're Victor Emanuel, my husband.

I'm Poche, the hall porter.

You ask Uncle Louis. He'll tell you.

- Uncle Louis? - Who is Uncle Louis?

That I don't know.

Isn't he my husband?

You married Poche? Tragic.

Do you realize what we've done?

We have kissed the hall porter.

Mm. What a lovely tie.

I suppose you pinched that

from your Uncle Victor's wardrobe.

I wish I could get something new.

At least you're not wearing his braces.

Oh, my God, his braces.

However did we manage to lose them the last time?

The last time was marvelous.

Driver: Montretout!

The Hotel Coq d'Or.

[bicycle bell rings]

♪

Hello, M. Chandebisse.

Got your braces, did you?

No.

We posted them on to you.

- Monsieur! - Uncle Victor!

Must be love.

[chuckle]

Ohh.

[speaking Japanese]

Oh.

Uncle Victor?

At the Hotel Coq d'Or?

Victor. I know I heard someone say "Victor."

Oh, I'm fainting.

Stop.

I am not doing it for my pleasure.

Then lie down.

Oh, all right.

Aah!

Oh, go away!

- But... - It's very rude

to keep whirling into people's bedrooms.

I'm terribly sorry. The bed ran away with me.

- [gasp] - Aah!

It's Pierre.

With the power of speech.

We go.

Your husband's butler. That's all we need.

Antoinette.

[laughing]

Antoinette.

Hah!

Hah!

Ha!

Aah!

[shouting in Japanese]

[speaking Japanese]

[speaking Japanese]

Aah!

[garbled] My roof.

Is the coast clear?

No, he's coming this way.

Hide.

- Where? - Here.

Drink?

With pleasure, thank you.

No, thank you.

Oh, uh, I'm looking for a room

booked in the name of Chandebisse.

Chandebisse?

Yes, my master sent me to find someone in there

and tell them their life's at stake.

Oh, I know your M. Chandebisse.

He's been here before.

- Really? - Oh, yes.

He came in with his girlfriend,

and then she went in there.

Number 3, I think.

I'll go in, then, and save someone's life.

Might as well.

Somebody's dropped their valuables.

Eh. It's damp.

Oh, sort of ancient Egyptian costume jewelry.

I hand it in to the office.

[mumbling]

[Antoinette, Japanese man giggling]

Here.

That's my wife you're wiping your nose on.

[speaking Japanese]

I'm the husband. I should be hitting you.

You little slut!

Just you wait until I get you!

That's all, just you wait.

[gasp]

Monsieur.

You're carrying a bucket, monsieur.

Oh, really?

And something else, monsieur.

My wife is indulging on Far Eastern love play.

Very nice.

Not with me, monsieur.

With a little yellow fella.

There she goes.

Please, monsieur, do you want me?

No, not much.

Then may I... may I give chase?

May I catch the little devil?

Have I your permission, monsieur?

- Yes, yes. - Thank you very much.

Antoinette, come back here!

My husband's after me! Help me!

Driver! Driver!

Follow that cavalry!

Hurry!

Ohh!

Oh. Is Madame Chandebisse here?

Madame Chandebisse?

Yes, I said I'd meet her at 5:30

about a matter connected with her husband.

Is there nobody here of that name?

- [door bell rings] - So far as I can make out,

there's everyone here of that name.

Oh, Madame de Castilian.

M. Chandebisse.

My... My poor girl.

Your what?

You must be so terribly in love with me.

That heartbroken little letter.

Mine?

That idiotic Henri thought it was for him,

but, my dear, it's... it's impossible.

Gabrielle wouldn't like it.

But to take your life in your hand.

What did I do?

When I realize how brave you were...

When your husband saw the letter...

[gasp] You didn't show that letter to...

- [door bell rings] - Carlos: Where are they?

- Where are they? - My God.

Nombre de Diós.

They cannot escape me.

Don't just stand there. Run away.

Where are they?

Hasta la muerte!

Death will visit us!

Time for the killing.

Who is with my wife?

I kill them immediately!

Oh, put that food away.

You do everything at the wrong moment.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

Carlos: Where are they?

[gasp]

You cannot fool me wearing the hat!

[gasp]

Moment of truth.

Ohh.

Thank you.

[Man shouting in Japanese]

Poche!

What's the idea, you horrible man,

parading in civvies, you dog's dinner, you.

Who do you think you are?

My name is Victor Emanuel Chandebisse.

And I'm the divine Sarah Bernhardt.

Kiss me, darling.

I'm a leading member of the Paris Bar.

Oh, are you? I'll tell the Paris bars

to stop serving you vermouth.

Got tight there, didn't you, my pretty one?

He's a raving maniac.

Sloshed!

You are guilty, sir, of assault.

- And battery. - You'll hear from my lawyer.

- Who's he? - He's me.

Get out of that horrible brothel-creeping costume.

I have no intention.

Do you want me to break every bone in your body?

No, thank you.

And get into a decent self-respecting uniform.

Get your cap on now.

- No. - What?

Yes.

Ready for the jacket now?

Yes.

Now the boiler.

The what?

Go and stoke the boiler!

It's a nightmare.

[Woman screams]

[screaming]

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

[gasp]

[shouting, door slams]

Poche.

Poche.

Take these to the post office.

Message received and understood, Madame.

Some cheeky bastard's pinched my uniform.

That's all right to go to the post office.

The coast is clear. We can go.

Not in my car. Too dangerous.

We'll take a cab.

Uh, porter, a cab, please.

Gabrielle.

Henri.

Victor. I knew it was you the whole time.

Didn't you know it was Victor the whole time?

Of course, the whole time. How are you, old fellow?

Still disguised as a servant?

Don't you trust us, Victor?

What do you think you're doing here, sir,

with my wife?

We explained all that.

You kissed me.

You kissed me, too.

I did nothing of the sort!

You forgave us.

Forgave you? Why?

What was there to forgive?

What have you done?

No, don't tell me. It's obvious.

It'll be a crime of passion.

I shall get myself gloriously acquitted!

- Help! - Manager: Poche!

The maniac.

[gasp]

Stoke the boiler, I said,

not chatter to the customers.

Insubordination, Poche.

Back to your cell at the double.

Twice as quick as that, you lazy bastard!

Caramba! Where is she?

- Where is my wife? - [chatter]

If she does not come out, I will shoot!

[screaming]

Nombre de Diós.

Caramba! Hasta la muerte!

[gunshot]

[garbled] Oh, where's my roof?

[mumbling]

Carlos: Where are they?

- ¡Hasta la muerte! - Oh!

Madame de Castilian. Oh, no.

Carlos: I kill her! Where is she?

Ohh! Oh, save me!

Save me!

You're strong. You're good.

You can save me.

Can I?

Hide me. Please hide me!

It's a pleasure.

Ohh.

[gunshot]

[chatter]

[Woman screams]

What is this? I demand an explanation.

It is impossible to have a quiet picnic.

What's happening?

There's too much noise around here.

We must be on fire.

- Fire! - Fire?

- [shouting] - What are they doing?

Ohh!

Police! Send for the fire brigade!

Fire brigade? The fire brigade!

[horn honking]

[no audible dialogue]

Where is my wife?

Let me in!

Hasta la muerte!

Oh, dear.

Let me in. Hasta la muerte.

No.

Let me in!

You have exactly three seconds to surrender!

- 1! - 1.

- 2! - 2.

3! Aah!

[clatter]

Give me my wife.

[speaking incomprehensibly]

- Give her to me. - [whimpering]

I am a perfect shot. Look.

Every one a bull's eyes.

- Where are you going? - I don't know, sir!

You think you can hide from me?

- [gasp] - My wife.

My husband.

With Chandebisse.

The moment of truth.

[glass breaks]

[coughing]

We're going back for our supper!

There's no cause for alarm.

[shouting]

Poche: Who was that horrible savage chasing you?

- Anyone you know? - Anyone I know?

He's my husband, of course.

Are you feeling quite well?

Where are you going, my little tomato?

God knows.

Let's go and have a drink,

see the can-can girls wiggling their bottoms,

have a little squeeze under the table.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

You said yourself.

Gabrielle wouldn't like it.

[gasp]

Rue Vandrezanne.

I wasn't inviting Gabrielle, whoever she might be.

- Lieutenant, please. - Ladies and gentlemen,

there's no cause for alarm.

Please return to bed.

Chandebisse!

Oh, bugger.

Disguise does not deceive me!

Say your prayers!

[gunshot]

[crash]

Chandebisse!

[door closes]

M. Clement, if I give you 5 francs,

- will you save my life? - Yes.

Hurry.

Quick. Set the table, uh, for you and me.

Plates, glasses,

everything for a meal.

Quick, start eating.

What were you doing at the Hotel Coq d'Or?

What on earth are you talking about?

A little more wine, M. Clement?

I saw you there with my own eyes.

What does that prove?

Less than an hour ago, half naked

and all wrapped around by an Oriental.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I can't even speak Oriental.

Oh. Very convincing. Now, certain things

are beyond the barriers of language.

I saw you nose-to-nose

with that slant-eyed Casanova.

You must have been dreaming.

I? Ho ho ho!

I was here all the afternoon

with M. Clement. Wasn't I, M. Clement?

All afternoon, polishing the silver.

What fools jealousy can make of us.

[chuckle]

Ohh.

Well, uh, I think I'll be off.

- Oh, no, you won't. - Why?

How do we know what Victor's going to do next?

You may not have noticed,

but the last time we met, he tried to strangle you.

Perhaps he's developed a taste for it.

Men are all the same:

Ready for anything except responsibility.

Responsibility for what?

Uh, nothing happened.

It's not your fault that nothing happened.

And Victor doesn't know that nothing happened.

And unless he thinks whatever he thinks,

why do you think he's so angry?

When he came rolling in on us the first time,

he really seems quite pleased to see us.

He even kissed us.

That's true.

[bell rings]

What's that?

It sounded like a door bell.

- Who could it be? - God knows.

Cheer up. Perhaps it's the fishmonger.

What did you say?

I said perhaps it's the fishmonger.

That's what I thought you said.

Madame de Castilian.

Oh, you've got to hide me.

He'll kill me. I swear he'll kill me.

- Who will? - My husband, of course.

Why can't he stick to fighting bulls?

At least they're his own size.

He chased me and Henri with a revolver.

Would it be awfully inquisitive to ask why?

You mean he was hunting you as well?

Before we'd even been introduced.

Oh. I'm not safe.

Luckily, your husband helped me to escape.

He frightened me a bit, too.

My husband?

I mean he talked quite reasonably at first,

and then my husband was after us.

We tumbled down the stairs, got out into the street,

and then he started looking most peculiar.

And he said, "Who was that horrible, horrible savage?

Anyone you know?" "Anyone I know?" I said.

"He's my husband, of course. You know as well as I do."

And then Victor...

Victor asked me to go and see the can-can girls.

For what?

Wiggling their little...

bottoms.

He suggested a nice squeeze under the table.

Victor?

I said, "Gabrielle wouldn't like it."

You were perfectly right.

[door bell rings]

Somebody rang.

Probably means there's someone at the door again.

- My husband. - Perhaps it's Victor.

No. He has his key.

That's true.

I remember one night

when Victor forgot his key.

It was a cold, bitter night.

The snow was coming down...

This is hardly the moment for your anecdotes.

Oh.

Uh, M. Chandebisse.

Huh?

I want to see M. Chandebisse.

Oh. [Laughing] Very funny of you, sir.

You do like your little joke, sir.

It's about my uniform.

Oh, absolutely killing, sir.

Madame's upstairs, monsieur.

I'll wait.

You'll what, monsieur?

I'll wait.

Oh, dear me.

Yes, monsieur. I'll tell Madame.

I'm sure she'll find it very humorous.

Madame... Oh, dear.

Madame.

What is it?

The master's downstairs.

Well?

He's waiting.

Waiting?

Hmm.

What are you doing down there?

[hiccup]

Pardon me?

Waiting like a tradesman.

Oh, do come up.

Very well, Madame.

Madame?

Ooh. I remember you.

Well, I should hope so.

I'm waiting for M. Chandebisse.

Oh, my God. What's the matter with him?

I remember you, too.

Yes, monsieur.

You're the poor fellow with the wife.

Yes, monsieur.

Oh, you're the one that gives all the lovely kisses.

You all right, my darling?

Steady now, old fellow.

Oh. The fancy man.

How are you, handsome?

Now, then, take it easy, Victor Emanuel.

Oh, no, no, no. It's Poche. Poche.

Poche? What does he mean, Poche?

Oh, ho ho.

You, too.

How about another little squeeze?

What did I tell you?

All you birds together in the same nest.

[chuckling]

Highly comical.

Poor fellow.

Is there anything wrong?

- Oh, no, no. - Nothing at all.

Nothing at all.

Oh, you're not a bad family.

Just a little simple.

Madame, shall I send for the doctor?

Yes, please do.

You're off?

Excuse me, monsieur.

Don't forget to tell M. Chandebisse.

Yes, of course, monsieur.

Of course I will.

Hear that?

You see, my uniform was on the peg,

and then it...

We have had quite enough of this.

I just want to see M. Chandebisse.

If you're feeling ill, you have only to say so,

and we shall have you taken care of.

If it's some sort of game,

then it's very, very silly of you.

- Me? - Yes, you.

At the hotel, you behaved quite stupidly.

When confronted with the evidence,

you took us in your arms and kissed us.

Ten minutes later, you tried to strangle Henri.

[hiccup]

Did I strangle you?

Yes, I'm afraid you did.

Now, do you believe us or not?

Yes, of course I believe you.

Good. Now, let's just have one big kiss

and never mention it again.

Why stop at one?

Ahh.

Oh, just smell that.

Would you like a little kiss, too?

[gasp]

Oh, my God.

It must have been a terrible year for vermouth.

I knew there was something distinctly odd about him.

You can't get near the poor fellow.

A joke's a joke,

but to have come home drunk as well.

First a fire, now illness.

Can't a doctor have any private life?

My poor master's in here, monsieur.

Oh, thank God you've come.

M. Chandebisse,

I want my uniform.

You... You want your uniform?

Yes, I want my uniform!

Victor Emanuel...

No, no, no. Poche. Poche.

Whew. Oh, my God, it's strong.

Who are you?

Who the hell are you?

No doubt he's undergoing

a slight personality recession.

You know me, don't you?

The old medicine man comes 'round

when we have a touch of collywobbles.

Don't hold my hand.

Pure friendship, I assure you.

I want to see M. Chandebisse,

and I won't budge till he comes!

We are trying to help you.

Stop making jokes.

Oh, piss off.

Take no notice.

It's all very well for him

to have a personality recession,

but to ask me to... Oh, no.

I want a drink.

Something to clear away the fumes.

Yes, exactly.

Have you any ammonia?

- In my pantry, monsieur. - I'll get it.

Now, Charles is going to settle you down,

and then we'll have a nice strong drink.

- Ah! - Come along, monsieur.

We'll put on your nice new dressing gown

and have a good lie-down.

You're a very good man.

It's too bad you married a tart.

[speaking incomprehensibly]

Don't talk so fast.

[garbled] If you knew...

Put your palate in.

I lost my palate.

You've lost your palate?

[garbled] Yes. It's been a nightmare.

I bumped into Gabrielle and M. Tournel

and Uncle Victor... ho ho...

and m. De Castilian with a pistol... bang bang.

Later. There's no time for that now.

Why? What's the matter?

Well, your uncle, he's upstairs.

He's not quite himself today.

[mumbling]

Whoa, there. Someone promised me a drink.

Oh, you got here, too, from the Coq d'Or.

[speaking incomprehensibly]

You just swallowed your gullet?

[speaking incomprehensibly]

Oh, I don't understand... Get me a drink.

You can handle that. There's a good boy.

[giggling]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

What's the matter, Pierre?

Uh, there...

and there.

[garbled] I'm losing my reason.

I've gone mad, mad, mad.

[insane laughter]

Never mind.

I crept through the streets of Paris

like a deserter from the foreign legion.

Oh, Charles.

Oh, monsieur, you recognized me.

Well, aren't I in the habit of recognizing you?

But, monsieur, you're not wearing your lovely dressing gown.

Of course I'm not wearing my lovely dressing gown.

I haven't worn my lovely dressing gown since breakfast.

Have you been drinking?

Oh, no, monsieur.

Oh, well, get me another jacket.

Yes, monsieur.

Oh, what a day.

Jumped on by a Jap,

almost murdered by a maniac,

Shot at by a terrible South American,

jumping out of windows.

Ohh. Frightening.

Landing in other people's kitchens.

Anonymous letters.

Talking to himself now.

He's got it very badly.

What's he got very badly?

Whatever it is that he's got.

Oh.

And my wife leaping into bed

with that idiot Henri Tournel.

I think he's talking about me now.

Aah! You dirty bed leaper!

- Out of my house! - Victor!

Out of my house, too.

- M. Chandebisse... - Out of my...

No, you can stay.

But we explained it all...

If you had, I wouldn't have believed it.

We told you it was quite innocent.

Yes, tried to find a nice quiet place to play dominos.

- Out of my house! - Aah!

- Here's your drink, Victor. - Why?

- It'll clear your head. - Ohh!

It has a name engraved on it:

M. Pierre Chandebisse, 3 Boulevard Mademoiselle.

Poche!

If that was a joke,

it was in the worst possible taste.

Now you've wasted it.

Get out of my house!

I'll get you, you horrible man.

Oh, afternoon, Doctor.

Yes.

Oh, my God, the maniac, in my house.

You'll never learn, will you?

Spit in the eye of a superior officer, would you?

Get out of my house!

Desert your post, lost your uniform again,

wander off into other people's houses.

Help! Help!

- Help! - Stop there, Poche!

The maniac!

[shouting]

Help!

Poche!

Stop, Poche!

Poche! Come back!

Come back!

Poche! Poche!

[shouting]

Come back!

I'll get you, Poche!

You come back here!

Poche!

♪ [carnival]

[children laughing]

♪

Chandebisse!

Come down, Chandebisse.

You think you can escape me?

Never.

I have a nose like a bloodhound.

Come down!

Or do you wish to die up in there like a pheasant?

So, we meet at last.

Yes. How are you?

I am calm.

I shall not kill you in hot blood now.

Oh, that's a...

The time for that is passed.

We shall fight a duel like gentlemen.

I suppose that you are a gentleman.

No, no, not at all.

Never mind. We duel.

Take one.

Uh, no, thank you.

Take one!

You know the rules?

No, I have no idea.

This is simple, even for you.

Face-to-face. About turn.

10 paces, halt, about turn again,

and we each fire.

Well, back to back.

- Ready? - No.

March!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Turn and fire!

Hold still, Chandebisse!

You are putting me off my shot!

Chandebisse! Mmm!

Chandebisse!

Chandebisse!

[bicycle bell rings]

Ohh!

Let me in! Let me in!

[shouting]

Uhh.

I'm dead on my bed.

Carlos: I will break the door!

- [doorknob rattling] - Open the door!

I must kill you!

Open the door!

Take back your pistol.

Aah!

Uhh...

Oh, my God.

Now get up and be a man.

Ohh. The savage.

I am the moment of truth.

No room here for 10 paces.

Very well, then. In the dark.

We both fire on the count of 3.

Carlos: Ready?

1...

2...

3!

[gunshot]

Now I kill you.

Aah!

Poor man. He is going to kill himself.

Gracias a Diós, he is still alive.

I shall kill him.

After a short rest.

Another filthy French drink.

♪

Come here!

Come here, everyone!

I want to know!

- ♪ - Oh!

What is it? What's happened?

Has war broken out?

There's really no need

for you to kill anybody at all.

Have no fear.

At the moment, I am calm.

I simply want to know.

Well, what do you want to know?

Why I should find the twin of my wife's love letter

in your handbag.

Oh, well, it's really very simple.

That was our first attempt.

I wanted Suzanne to write a love letter for me.

That one sounded like something from the bank manager.

To write a love letter for you?

Yes. Of course it was for me.

Oh, tell him all about it, Suzanne.

[speaking Spanish]

¿Cómo?

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

¿Es verdad?

¿Es verdad lo que ella dice?

Oh, yes. As verdad as can be.

Ohh!

Ohh!

How quickly people understand each other in Spanish.

[door opens]

Something's happened.

I was dead on my bed,

and now I've gone.

Oh, my God!

Don't worry. I am calm.

My wife didn't write you a love letter.

You did!

You write me that exciting little letter?

Yes. We've told you a hundred times.

And each time we tell you, you kiss us,

but it never seems to do any good, really.

I'm sorry I made you jump out of the window.

You made me jump out of that window?

Of course I made you.

You run out of there, and you plunge.

No, no, no. I never jumped out of that window.

If you saw me jump out of that window,

it must have been, uh, me dead.

Good thinking.

What on earth is he talking about?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Madame, this person insisted on coming up.

The maniac!

I was just walking down the street

when my hall porter happened to drop on my head.

I can offer no explanation.

It would appear he jumped through a window

wearing this article of clothing.

That is my husband's. It's yours, dear.

Victor?

Where are you, Victor?

Oh, my God.

Poche! You dog's dinner!

I told you to wait outside!

Monsieur, you are speaking to my husband!

Your husband? That's not your husband.

That's Poche, my hall porter.

Monsieur, allow me to know my own husband

when I see him.

Aren't you Victor Emanuel Chandebisse?

Yes, of course I am.

I... I... I... I'd know myself anywhere.

Then where's Poche?

[door opens]

Now where's my...

lovely uniform?

Where have I seen that face before?

But, darling, you shouldn't have said

"Now we're going to be together forever"

on our ninth wedding anniversary.

With love, there has to be a little uncertainty.

I'm sorry. I really am sorry,

but I really did think you were unfaithful to me.

Unfaithful? What made you think that?

Well, because...

because...

It put a great big flea in my ear.

I became horribly suspicious.

I'm going to kill that suspicion tonight.

After the opera?

We're not going to the opera.

Champagne?

No.

♪ The lady hopes he's in love ♪

♪ But if he's really in love ♪

♪ His love he'll prove ♪

♪ And he'll remove every fear ♪

♪ The busy bee in her bonnet ♪

♪ The flea in her ear ♪