Original subtitles

* this could be the night

* this the fated hour

* if we play it right

* we can watch it blossom and flower *

* this could be the time

* it's a happy thing

* not a simple chime

* but the loudest bell we ever heard ring *

* why should we fight it? It's only beginning *

* why should we fight it and not take our inning? *

* why should we fight it? There's no chance of winning *

* and in this case defeat would be oh, so sweet *

* other nights may come

* ooh wa ooh wa

* other nights may go

* but tonight I know

* paradise is in our sight

* and this could be the night

* this could be the night

* this could be the night, the wondrous night of *

* love

(Bell rings)

Yes, Mr. Rocco. Yes, I can make it at 4:00.

No, no. I said I can make it at 4:00.

Fine.

Thank you.

Oh, Annie. Anne.

I'll try once more. How about dinner tonight?

Sorry, Bruce. Thanks anyway.

Oh, Annie, what are you planning to be when you grow up?

An old maid?

Somebody told you.

What's the matter, brucey? Losing your touch?

Aw...

Oh, no.

They're looking for big ones. You're way too small.

I have an appointment with Mr. Rocco.

Gee, I'm sorry. Come on.

(Swing music playing)

It's this way.

You're a singer?

Or a dancer?

Oh, a friend of Mr. Rocco's, huh?

No. I've never met him.

Rocco: What?!

A lady to see you.

So what are you yelling for? Bring her in.

Get me an alka-fiz will you, Hussein?

I got terrible heartburn.

Yeah. You want to see me?

I'm Anne Leeds, Mr. Rocco. I called you earlier about a secretarial job.

So you're the one. Ok. Take a chair a minute.

What else didn't I cover, Charlie?

Fifth of Jamaica.

The fifth.

Uh-huh.

Prince black, a hundred on the nose.

Where are you gonna be tomorrow in case I'm in the mood?

The first number. The second's the day after.

Fly don't land, you can't SWAT it, eh, Charlie?

That's right.

Well, what can you do?

Can you tell me what you need, Mr. Rocco?

Anything I say I need, you'll say you got. That's human nature.

Besides I asked you first.

All right. I can take shorthand, type, file--

bookkeeping?

Uh...I'm very good at figures, yes.

98 cases of bourbon, $50.37 a case.

What's the bill?

Uh...

What's the matter? Can't you do it in your head?

Well, no. Can you?

I'm not looking for a job.

But I don't see why I should ever have to do it in my head, Mr. Rocco.

Well, now that you come to mention it, neither do I.

Say, roc. Ma says I'm wearing too much. What do you think?

I don't know, patsy. Ask Tony.

Ah! He'll agree with ma.

Then I'll agree with both of them.

Take them off. Take them off. Take them off.

I'll tell you the truth. You're too young.

Because this kind of a job calls for a person--

why don't you drink that first, Mr. Rocco.

It's much better for you while it's still fizzing.

Pardon me.

The guy who invented that...

They ought to give him a medal.

Now I was trying to explain.

You see, I want a secretary where I'll be able to say,

"tell that lousy liquor company another batch like that

and I'll kick their teeth out,"

and she'll be able to answer it like a diplomat.

This calls for an older head, see?

Uh...gentlemen, the last consignment of liquor you sent US

was totally unsatisfactory.

Unless there is a marked improvement,

the following order will definitely be our last.

Yours very truly.

Hey, you speak a beautiful English, you know.

I teach English at a public school.

A schoolteacher?! Now, Mr. Rocco.

You must have a pretty good education, huh?

Well, I graduated from Smith last year.

Never heard of it. What kind of team they got?

Oh, it's woman's college. A very good one.

But it seems to me there would be a lot of places

more up your alley than this, like a bookstore.

This is the first add for part-time

that I've seen except for one from a writer.

His attitude was a little unfortunate.

Made pass, huh?

It figures. A writer sitting around on his can all day thinking.

What else has he got to do?

Well, it won't happen here.

We got a house rule, me and my partner.

No monkeying with the help.

Were you thinking of trying me, Mr. Rocco?

Don't rush me.

Here's an employment card. Fill it out.

Tony...

Well, I thought you were sleeping.

I had to waken you, didn't I?

Listen, Tony, come on down a minute.

I want to talk to you.

All right. So you got an appointment.

Time you spend yakking you could be down and up already.

You work from 6 to 11, 6 nights a week.

$55 a week and dinner thrown in.

Fine. Thank you very much.

It's just in case somebody drops dead on US,

we know where to ship the body.

Tony, I just hired US a schoolteacher secretary,

a college girl from smiths.

No, it's Smith, Mr. Rocco.

Yeah, that's what I just said.

Never heard of it.

It's only the best woman's college in the whole world.

Who needs it?

What's the matter?

You get up off the wrong side of the bed or something?

Did you ever work at a club before?

No. So what?

She's gonna work at the tonic,

let her break in at the tonic.

If your partner feels that I would be--

if he hired you, you're hired.

Don't make a federal case out of it, huh?

You start tonight, huh?

Uh...yes. Thank you.

Come back at 6:00. I'll show you the layout.

Won't hurt to have a little class around.

Suppose we start picking up the carriage trade.

I'm not interested in the carriage trade.

I'm satisfied with what we got.

You shouldn't be.

Young fellow like you, you ought to be wanting more, better.

More and better what?

I'm free. I got plenty of dough,

a club we run to suit US and not the customers,

and sense enough to know when I'm well off, Rocco.

You know what's your trouble, Tony?

You got no ambition.

I got lots of ambition.

I want everything to stay just the way it is

without any fancy secretaries who think they know more than I do.

I like her.

You like her, you got her.

I want to have her place my bets.

I can't wait to get a load of that bookie's face when she says,

(very proper) 3 on the nose at hialeah, my good man.

Thank you.

Oh, miss Leeds.

Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Shea.

Hi. The wife and I are going to the merry daughters for supper,

so if you want to fix a little something in the kitchen--

oh, thanks, but I start a part-time job tonight that includes dinner.

Isn't that lucky?

I should say so. What is it? A restaurant?

Sort of. A place called the tonic in the east 50s.

That's a nightclub.

I know. Sounds exciting, doesn't it?

Katie...katie.

(Knock on door)

Come in.

We're not the type of people who mix with our roomers

whoever he or she may be.

Is something wrong?

But a girl like you, a nice girl,

I just have to say what's on our mind.

Don't take that job at the tonic.

Why? Do you know something about it?

It was in my husband's district

in his capacity as a fireman before he retired.

The owner, that Rocco, in prohibition,

he was one of the biggest bootleggers there was.

Really?

But prohibition was so long ago.

But a leopard never changes his stripes.

If my Nora worked there, I wouldn't close my eyes at night.

It's sweet of you to worry, but it will be all right, really.

And if it isn't a nice place, I just won't stay.

Now, will you do me an enormous favor

and help me decide which of these to wear.

Well, that one. Don't even think twice.

If you have to go, at least go covered.

Tony: It's the first time I caught you, that's all.

You been at it a good 2 weeks every day.

Man: Give me a break, Tony.

You said a mouthful. I'm gonna give you a break.

All right, taste the food. Taste, don't guess.

Taste until you get fat.

Man: Give you my word of honor,

you can't send them out looking like that.

Rocco: I don't know what's your beef.

You knew we were going to save a few bucks and use old costumes.

Yeah, but not that old. Not from the civil war.

Ah!

Hey, uh, baby...

Baby.

Come here a minute, will you?

My new secretary.

Give me an honest answer. Is anything wrong with that costume?

I don't know anything about costumes.

Who says you got to be an expert.

I just want your opinion as a human being.

Make like you're a customer.

You're sitting at the table, the girls come out...

What do you think?

Well, I think I'd think they were a little old fashioned.

Ha-ha! You see, you see?

So make up an old-fashioned number.

Wait a minute.

Maybe if we took this off here...

They put them on with spit.

Huh?

You know, it looks better.

And if we took this bit off here,

it might look quite smart.

Tony: Got a new stage manager, roc?

Homer don't like the costumes.

Homer's right. I ordered new ones.

The secretary works in the office.

I asked her.

If you want to be sore, be sore at me.

I'm not sore.

Hey, roc, when are you gonna get yourself a new suit.

I don't need a new suit. I work in the office, too.

Why don't you give the kid a break?

She gets her salary, don't she? That's her break.

Oh, what's the use?

Are you happy?

You got more costumes, I got less money.

It's not my club, Mr. Rocco,

and if you don't care how--

homer, please...

Play it on the piano!

On the what?

Oh, on the nose. Yes. Yes, I'll tell him.

Thank you, uh, Charlie.

Charlie the book, eh? What's the news? Bad?

I don't know, but he says that Paula Lee was scratched at the post,

and a horse called puddy tat paid $7.50,

and you made something called a round Robin.

Round Robin? I made the round Robin?

Baby, put it there.

Oh, boy! For 2 years I've been trying and you come along and do it.

Tell me, was Charlie crying?

He wasn't laughing, no.

Dinner's ready. You want it in the bar?

Sure. Whatever Leon made for me, bring some for her, too.

You eat what the boss eats, you can't go wrong.

Come on, have a bite with me.

Don't you think I better get started?

Baby, with that round Robin, you're already started.

Looks quiet but wait.

In a couple hours, it'll be so packed you can't breathe.

What they pay to sit on each other's laps is a crime to take.

My new secretary. The head waiter--eddy.

How do you do?

When the customers ask for the maitre d', you call him Eduardo.

Who knows?

Hi, roc.

Ray, my new secretary. Ray Anthony.

He's very big.

I know. I'm Anne Leeds, Mr. Anthony.

Happy to have you with US, Anne.

If he barks, just bark back.

Nice clean-cut young fellow.

With what he gets, why not?

Hi, how are you?

Oh, Mike, my new secretary.

Man: How are you tonight, roc?

How are you tonight? Regulars.

If we stayed open all night, they'd stay open all night.

What do we got to eat, Hussein?

Lasagna.

Good evening, Hussein.

Anything else, Mr. Rocco?

Yeah. When she says good evening, you say it back.

Good evening.

He's got a teacher in high school that gripes him.

He looks at you, he thinks of her.

Go ahead, eat. Don't worry.

Good, huh?

I can tell right away it's gonna kill me, but I can't pass it up.

You shouldn't be eating anything this heavy,

not when you had heartburn this afternoon.

I get it every afternoon.

I got to eat, don't I?

Yeah, but if you had something light,

like a broiled lamb chop and a green vegetable--

I'd still get heartburn.

I bet you wouldn't.

Oh, yeah. What odds you want to give me?

Me and heartburn are a cinch daily double.

Well, sitting in a front booth,

eating your own food, and laughing.

You saving money on shills?

Why not? What got you up so early, Ziggy?

I couldn't sleep. What's new?

Her. My secretary.

Ooh. So that's what they call it now.

He writes a column. They all have dirty minds.

I want one, roc.

Right out of the same barrel.

He's not a bad guy. The dames don't like him.

Makes him a little sour.

Tony. Hi, zig.

Roc, did you take reservations on the phone?

Yeah. Did I forget to tell eddy again?

Well, never mind. From now on, baby will keep me--

I'll be in the office, Mr. Rocco.

It's time I got to work.

Uh, miss, stop by the kitchen, will you?

Tell Leon Mr. Hallerby will be in at 9:00. Table 6.

Mr. Hallerby, table 6 at 9:00.

Anything goes as long as Leon cooks it himself.

Right.

You know who she reminds me of?

My ex.

Well, that must make you happy.

How much was it Tina took you for?

Ok, wiseguy. She reminds me of Tina

before Tina got to know guys like me or you.

Anybody wants me, I'll be at Washington market

looking at eggplants instead of comics.

Believe me, it'll be a relief.

Come on, roc.

Hey, roc.

Is this why every cent I made I spent on you?

So you could chop onions in a kitchen?

But, ma, I got a whole lifetime before I go on.

Who's it gonna hurt if she learns how to make

a simple dish of sauteed chicken livers?

Is it wrong if I have ambition

and I want you to be the best hoofer in the world?

Lots of people cook for a hobby. Ask anybody.

Ask her, the new secretary. A college grad!

Isn't it a fact that lots of famous people cook for a hobby?

Why, yes, I believe so--

I don't need your advice, big-brained girl genius.

Whoa! Ma!

She's crazy.

Uh, Leon, Tony, uh...

What is his last name, please?

Armotti.

Oh, thank you.

He said that Mr. Hallerby will be in at 9:00, table 6.

He doesn't care what he eats as long as you make it.

Oh, compliments. Tricks just to get me interested.

If you made the lasagna, I don't blame him.

Well...

You can come in here anytime you like.

Go ahead, make yourself at home.

Why, thank you.

Boys, men, and chef, this could be the night.

Well, hey, look at that!

Oh, Ivy, it's beautiful. J-Just beautiful.

You're very sexy, too, Leon.

It's true. I don't deny it. I was born that way.

Oh, this is the new secretary.

How do you do?

Well, the wholesome type.

Camel's hair coat, saddle shoes,

and just a teeny bit of lipstick.

But don't you worry, darling.

You can get over it.

I've never met so many amazing characters in one place

in all my life.

Wait a minute.

If you mean Ivy, she's a wonderful woman.

And only a schoolgirl like you, taken out of the oven half-baked,

would dare to call Ivy corlane a character.

But I didn't mean it that way.

It's just that I've never met anybody like her.

Please, please, the slumming party in the kitchen is all over.

Good-bye.

Ooh.

Oh, can I do anything for you?

I shouldn't think so.

Well, don't let me bother you.

(Telephone rings)

Hello, uh...

Mr. Rocco's office.

Uh, no, he isn't. May I take a message?

Who did you say?

Yes.

Waxie's 10 is up tomorrow...

What does Mr. Rocco want to do about it?

I-Is that what you said?

Waxie London. Been in sing sing 10 years. Gets out tomorrow.

Does Rocco want to throw him a party for auld lang syne?

Got it?

Oh, thank you, Mr., uh...

Devlin. Stowe devlin.

Thank you, Mr. Devlin.

Massachusetts?

Newton. Ditto.

Really?

Radcliffe?

Smith.

Harvard? Sorry. Amherst.

I'm perfectly satisfied.

Is it ever good to meet somebody like you in this place.

Really? Why?

I just started working here, and honestly,

it's like being in a foreign country.

You don't know what a relief it is

to run into somebody who speaks my language.

Could I ask you a few questions about the place?

Hmm...

I don't think so. No.

If you're in a foreign country, you ought to learn the language

from the natives, not another tourist.

Hey. Hi, counselor. How'd you do in court?

Drew an honest judge. Very irritating.

If you don't get off this "Cook it yourself" Kick,

my chef's gonna quit on me.

He's jealous, that's all.

Thought you were going to play me

a little handball this afternoon.

I got a little tied up.

With what? Or is it with whom?

(Laughing boisterously)

Announcer: And now it's show time, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm gonna live till I die,

and a girl who's an authority on living,

Ivy corlane.

* I'm gonna live till I die *

* I'm gonna laugh instead of cry *

* I'm gonna take the town and turn it upside down *

* I'm gonna live, live, live *

* till I die

* I'm gonna look

* for my guy

* I'm gonna plan for the sky *

* ain't gonna miss a thing, I'm gonna have my fling *

* I'm gonna live, live, live *

* till I die

* the blues'll lay low

* I'll make 'em stay low

* they'll never trail over my head *

* I'll be a devil

* till I'm an angel

* but until then

* hallelujah, gonna dance *

* gonna fly

* I'll take a chance ridin' high *

* before my number's up, I'm gonna fill my cup *

* I'm gonna live, live, live, live, live *

* until I die

* the blues'll lay low

* I'll make 'em stay low

* they'll never trail over my head *

* I'll be a devil

* till I'm an angel

* but until then

* hallelujah

* gonna dance, gonna fly

* I'll take a chance, ridin' high *

* before my number's up, I'm gonna fill my cup *

* gonna live, live, live, live *

* live

* until I die

* here I go again

* I hear those trumpets blow again *

* all aglow again...

(Telephone rings)

(Ring)

Hello. Mr. Rocco's office.

Mr. Hallerby, yes. He has a reservation at 9:00.

Hold on. I'll see if he's here.

* I walk around with a horseshoe *

* in clover, I lie...

Could you tell me where table 6 is, if you please?

The double table over there.

Thank you.

Mr. Hallerby, your secretary's on the phone.

Would you like to take it in the office?

You're new, aren't you?

Are you sure it's all right?

Oh, yes.

Excuse me, honey. Be right back.

* taking a chance

* on love

yes?

(Woman shouting)

Oh, it's you, Marian.

You idiot. You pin-headed idiot.

What?

I knew if I kept at it long enough I'd find you.

Yes, it was clever of you to find me.

Believe me, dear, I'm in the middle

of a conference dinner with my sales staff.

You shut up and listen to me!

Yes, dear. I'll listen to you.

You come home right now! Right now!

H-Hello?

You dim-witted fool.

You lame-brained sap.

Tony, fire her.

I think he's gone out of his mind.

The one place that my wife didn't know about,

and she has to tell her I'm here.

How was I to know that he--

quiet! Quiet!

Suppose you let me handle this, Mr. Hallerby.

I want you to fire her, Tony, right now

or I'll never set foot in here again.

Sorry, but no one tells me how to run my club.

Ok, ok, if that's the way you want it.

I'll never set foot in here again.

Isn't he horrible? You should have heard him lying to his wife.

Groveling, it was sickening.

Thank you so much, Mr. Armotti, for--

take it.

The week's salary. You're fired.

Because I didn't lie for him?!

Partly. Mostly because you just don't fit in.

I'm sorry.

Ooh, you must hate doing this so conventionally.

What a pity you can't hit me like you did that man in the alley.

Don't kid yourself, honey.

If I caught you dipping your fingers in the till the way he did,

I'd clip you, too.

But him, I didn't fire because he's good at his job, which you're not.

Is that nice and clear?

Perfectly. If you're a thief or a liar, you belong at the tonic.

Otherwise, you don't.

You tell 'em, sister. Get a soapbox and tell 'em.

When you unload, be careful.

That fruit ain't made out of lead.

Man: Ok.

Hey, go home already.

Catch a little sleep.

Hey, Leon, eddy. Good night.

Oh, thanks, roc.

All: Good night, sir Rocco.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. At least sit down.

You're always running away when you're winning.

We're gonna play one more, and don't cheat when I'm not looking.

Hey, what do you say, roc?

Hey, you could eat off the floor, Tony.

Look, pencils with points.

Everything where it ought to be.

An alka-fiz even, so I don't have to send out.

The kid must have put in a night's work.

What time did she go home?

About 10:00. I canned her.

What do you mean, you canned her?

I mean I canned her, I fired her.

She lost US hallerby. You know how much a year we made on him?

She wasn't right for US, roc. Why drag it out?

You know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna get her back now and you're gonna apologize.

What are you talking about?

That's right. You're gonna make her an apology.

I hired her! Where do you come off firing her?

What are you all of a sudden, running the club?

The boss? Why, you punk, where would you be without me?

When I picked you off the streets, you didn't have a--

I didn't have dime. I was a big load of nothing walking around.

I didn't mean it. Don't put words in my mouth.

You meant it, and it's true.

I thought it was way back in the old days.

I didn't think it was still on your mind.

I'm not thinking about it now,

and I never thought about it in the old days,

and that's on the level.

People get sore, they say things.

Ok, I got sore.

I don't get it. Just today, just since you hired that dame.

What are you in such an uproar about?

Do me something. I like having her around.

All right, all right.

Hallerby was blowing his top, roc,

and I, uh...

Maybe I didn't give her a fair shake.

Listen, roc, it's pretty late.

Is it ok if I go see her tomorrow?

Sure. Anyways, you got company, huh?

Yeah.

You don't want to come up for a while?

All of a sudden he's getting generous.

Come on. What do you say, roc?

Nah, nah, nah. Too lazy.

Anyways, I want to lock up. Go ahead.

Tony...

Yeah.

When you talk to the kid, be nice, huh?

Yeah. Sure, roc.

Hey, Jack. Jack, where can I find a miss Leeds?

Anne Leeds?

Yeah.

Are you a friend of hers?

Well, do have to be to see her?

Well, that's her room.

Thanks.

You'll have to wait till class is dismissed.

All right.

You don't have to wait.

I'd rather.

(Bell rings)

Children: Yay!

Oh, Anne, this gentleman wanted to see you.

I didn't know if you had the time, so i--

it's all right, Bruce. Thank you.

Oh, I see.

Well, I'll be right in here.

What does he think I want at 5 to 12:00 in the morning?

I have no idea. What do you want?

A couple of minutes. A few words.

I guess places like this don't ever change.

Would you come to the point, Mr. Armotti.

I have a meeting in a few minutes.

Ok. You can forget about being fired.

Why?

Let's say I changed my mind.

What difference does it make?

Mr. Rocco made you come, didn't he?

No smoking, please.

Now, nobody makes me do anything.

He likes you. He's my partner.

I want him to be satisfied.

What do you say?

I say no. Thank you.

There would be no point. You took an instant dislike to me--

everybody has to love you or you can't work?

I didn't say that.

There are 2 waiters and at least 4 musicians at the club

who I know for a fact hate my guts.

Let them. I don't care.

Perhaps I'm not as insensitive as you. I do care.

I'd be uncomfortable and I wouldn't be any good.

Look, you got me all wrong.

I haven't anything against you personally.

I'll admit I'm a little prejudiced against your type of girl.

What type is that?

Well...

Go on.

I'd be fascinated to hear your considered opinion of me

based on one look and 4 words.

The know everything, been everyplace,

look down your nose at everybody type. That's what type.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

How can you just assume that's the kind of person I am?

Please. Dames like you come into the club in packs.

You all look alike, you all sound alike.

I spotted you the minute you opened your mouth.

I may have some kind of new england accent if that's what you mean,

but I can't help it any more than you can help your New York accent!

What New York accent?

Of all the moronic things,

to make a snap judgment based on nothing.

What do you mean, nothing?

You got everybody's back up in 5 minutes.

You prance in there as if you owned the joint.

What should I have done?

Crept in like a mouse, wrung my hands,

and cried, "Everybody please be nice to me

"because I've never had any kind of a job but teaching.

"I've never even been away from home before,

and I'm finding it all a bit scary"?

I'm sorry. I'm afraid I lost my temper.

Anyway, I'm inclined to think you're right.

I didn't seem to fit in, and I did seem--

have you had lunch already, Joey?

No, ma'am. Mom forgot to give me the money,

but it's all right. I'm not very hungry.

Dear, oh, dear.

Hurry to the cafeteria before it closes.

You betcha, teach--

and don't forget to have some milk.

Joey: All right.

Poor child, it happens 2 or 3 times a week.

And you shell out every time?

He's a growing boy. He can't go without his lunch.

You don't think maybe he's playing you for a sucker?

You mean lying to get money?

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I mean.

Don't you have any trust in people at all?

Hey, tell me, how long you been teaching kids?

4 weeks. Why?

Baby...

Baby, you're green all over, aren't you?

I don't think so.

My experience may be limited,

but you don't have to learn things by experiencing them.

There are such things as books, you know.

You don't have to be a chicken to make an omelet.

Say, that's a good one.

Oh, it's a very old one, Mr. Armotti.

I have to go now. Excuse me.

Something tells me you shouldn't be running around loose.

Forget it, forget it. What I mean is,

maybe I didn't give you a fair shake.

Let's make out like nothing happened and start all over, huh?

What do you got to lose? You can always quit.

That's true.

All right. Tell Mr. Rocco I'll be there.

You go out that way.

That way? Thanks.

Relax, buster. She's untouched.

Just make sure you keep it clean.

(Jazz music playing)

Come on, patsy. What's the matter?

You got something on your mind?

Never mind what's on her mind. Keep playing!

Well, what happened?

She'll be back.

This makes 2 of US up in broad daylight. What's your excuse?

A problem.

If I didn't have to work Saturday night,

I could spend

a lovely, long weekend on a yacht.

But you do have to work, so you have no problem.

Just testing, boss.

1, 2, 3, 4, testing.

Baby must have been plenty sore, huh? I mean, it took you so long.

It took me 5 minutes.

Well, where you been? You knew I was waiting.

I didn't know you were holding your breath.

Ah. What's this Dolly got

that's so special, roc?

She--she don't know from nothing. It's cute.

You can't mean from nothing.

From nothing.

That's going a little too far, roc. She's a hick, I'll Grant you,

but so are a lot of farmers' daughters, and you heard about them.

You know, according to roc,

she has to be a Saint because she went to college.

She went to a girls' college. She even went to a girls' high school.

Check on where she went to kindergarten before you take any bets.

I'll take a bet right now!

How do you like that?!

Ma: Quiet! If you want to debate, hire a hall!

Oh, ma, they're not bothering me! Shut up!

I'll tell you what's bothering you and what isn't bothering you.

You're doing so much for me, I'm surprised you don't do this number.

You don't think I could?

Men: Presto!

All right. Let's take it back to the last 2 bars

of the blues. Come on.

(Piano playing)

Ok, hot shot. A half a "G" Says baby's what I think she is.

Roc, come on. What you think she is, there ain't any more.

How could you recognize one?

You never met a dame your whole life wasn't a tramp.

Present company excepted.

I should have said.

Anyway, there's no sense betting because there's no way to find out.

Ask her.

Why not?

Well, it wouldn't be nice.

Yeah. We'd better forget the whole thing.

Only you're not so sure now, are you?

I raise the question, you'd like to know.

I couldn't care less.

You know, roc...

I think we ought to set that poor little fella's mind at rest.

(Door opens)

Mr. Rocco.

It's nothing. Just a little memento.

They're beautiful.

Leon says what do you want to eat?

Ask her. She's in charge of my stomach.

I have to eat with some pals later, so make it light--

spaghetti, something on that order, huh?

Poached eggs on toast, spinach, and a baked apple.

Hey, you gonna?

Sure I'm gonna. You heard her.

Baby, you're tough.

(Knock on door)

Roc, can the little girl help me with a letter?

Well, sure. Why not?

A very personal letter. Girl talk.

Ivy, the matter we were discussing--let's forget about it, huh?

Seeing as how we didn't make a bet.

We were arguing as to who pitched for the Yankees last year.

Oh, that wasn't it, roc.

Did anyone make first base-- that was the question.

But somebody always makes first base.

I wouldn't say that. There have been-- Ivy!

The eggs are on their way.

And so are you, roc, aren't you?

Yeah.

(Playing classical music)

How's that, Mr. Rocco? Carnegie hall stuff!

Anytime you want to go, don't bother giving notice!

All right. A joke. I'm sorry.

What's up, paisan? Somebody give you a bellyache?

Do you know that bet we almost made about baby?

I told Ivy the bet was off, but, no, she's got to find out for herself.

She's in there with her now asking her who knows what.

(Laughs sarcastically)

What's so comical? A young lady gets a job,

and all of a sudden, she has to be pumped

about what is nobody's business but her own.

(Door closes)

It's a good thing

you didn't take that bet, Tony, baby.

That's right. No hits,

no runs, no errors.

My partner, the expert.

What was that you were playing before, homer? It's cute.

(Homer playing classical music)

(Band playing when the saints go marching in)

(Applause)

Wow. I thought you were my old lady.

Would you like me to do that for you?

Gee, would you? Sure.

I can't find anything.

Oh, that's the recipe for the almond pie, isn't it?

You recognized it.

I told Leon just changing vanilla to cinnamon

wasn't enough difference.

It's for a contest. You have to send in a new recipe,

only I can't find enough time

in the kitchen here to make up anything.

Well, what about during the day at home?

All we got's a stinking hot plate.

That's why I want to join the contest-- to win a stove like this.

Oh, boy. 4 burners, 2 ovens, and a spit.

The way other people want diamonds, that's how I want that stove.

Can't you just buy one?

Ma gets nervous if I even stand near the hot plate.

She figures once I can cook, then I'll get married,

so no more hoofing, and then where is she?

Yeah, but if you won it, would she let you keep it?

Nobody sends back what they got for nothing, not even ma.

Only I'm not going to have the problem or the stove.

Wait a minute.

We make a terrific carrot cake in my family.

The recipe's never been printed,

and I know my mother wouldn't mind if gave it to you.

You mean it?

I'll put it under the blotter. Pick it up later.

Patsy, what are you doing here?

Your mother's waiting for you in the kitchen.

You know what I ought to do to you?

Mr. Armotti, the boy's hurt.

Not enough. I should have let them really fix him.

Get a wet towel and some iodine.

Come here. Sit down, will you?

(Coughs)

You know those busboys across the way are laying for you,

so why you go looking for it, huh?

I just went out to get a breath of air,

and right off the bat, they start

the snake-charming stuff, you know.

* ta da da da da ta da da da-- *

all right. All right.

But why?

His name's Hussein Mohammed.

What can you expect from kids?

They can't see him without yelling,

"hey, Hussein, where's your harem?"

if this dope would only laugh at them.

But it isn't funny.

Well, what if they broke your nose? Would that be funny?

Oh, I don't care. I wish I was dead.

Yeah, sure. That'd fix everything.

Got the iodine?

Uh, peroxide. It won't hurt as much.

Ok. Hussein, I think your name is beautiful.

In mecca, maybe, but not in Brooklyn.

Life's tough enough.

But your father said you could change it, didn't he, brainless?

All you have to do is pass algebra.

Yeah, if I pass algebra. But even if I could figure it out,

do you think that rat of a teacher will give me a break?

You want a lump on the other side of your face?

Ok. Come on.

Go lay down in one of the dressing rooms.

I'm not too good at algebra,

but I think I might be able to help him catch up.

Hey, would you spend the time?

You'd have to make him work with me, though.

Oh, don't worry. I'll take care of that.

(Knock on door)

Yeah?

Thanks. I had to rap with my nose.

Hi.

How come you're eating in here?

Well, I've been eating in here every night for months.

Yeah. Well, get finished, huh?

It's an office, not a banquet hall.

Mad at me because I wouldn't give you the lowdown

on everyone last night?

No. You were right. Unpleasant, but right.

Much better for me to get to know them myself.

Well, while you're getting to know them,

I think I'll get to know you.

Why bother? As you said, we're both tourists.

There's nothing we can learn from each other.

(Telephone rings)

Uh, Mr. Rocco's office.

Waxie London? I don't know whether he's here or not,

but I'd be glad to find out for you.

Who's calling, please?

Very well. Hold on.

He's at Rocco's table.

I know that, Mr. Devlin.

Excuse me. I hate to break in on Mr. Rocco's party,

but there's a telephone call for waxie London.

They wouldn't give a name,

so I said I didn't know if he was here but that I'd find out.

Learn fast, don't you?

Hey, do we cash a fat check for Everett Skyler?

He's that dirty, double-crossing--

watch your language!

You think you're home?

Huh?

Oh. I'm sorry.

Tell Skyler we're short on dough. Buy him a drink

and kiss him off, ok?

I'll take the phone call.

With waxie's luck, it's probably a parole officer.

You better see what roc wants. He's flagging you.

(Applause and cheering)

(Whistling)

Himey renwick, Denny Flynn, Joey lawfield,

and the guest of honor waxie London.

He hasn't had enough trouble. He's going to open a club.

This is the little lady I was telling you about.

Glad you know you, honey.

You certainly made a hit with roc.

He's been getting a swelled head.

Tell them how you like working in the saloon.

I'm beginning to feel perfectly at home.

Speaking of being home, Mr. London,

you must be feeling very happy... After all this time.

Well, to tell you the truth, I feel kind of nervous.

Oh, well, of course you do.

You've had a total change of environment.

It must be very unsettling.

But don't you worry. In a day or 2,

you'll probably find that you've made a wonderful adjustment

without even being aware that you've made it.

I could listen to this kid till the cows come home!

What'd I tell you, huh?

Honey, if they don't treat you right around here,

just contact me.

You could always find a spot with old waxie.

How do you like that? He's feeling better already.

All of a sudden, he ain't nervous!

He's got himself a tonic.

(Laughter)

A college broad.

(Door opens)

Tony says I should walk you home.

Oh, that isn't necessary.

But I want to.

He told me about the algebra.

Oh. Well, I'd love you to walk me home.

I'd feel safer.

That's the busiest stairway.

(Knocks)

Who lives up there, Hussein?

Tony.

And here we have... A praline pie.

Mrs. Stanley gretchma, who, year in and year out,

cooks 3 meals a day for 6 people...

And loves it. Don't you, Mrs. Gretchma?

They can keep their typewriters, high heels, and careers.

All I need to be happy is a stove.

Ha ha ha! Thank you, Mrs. Gretchma.

Good luck, praline pie.

And here we have our lovely little miss St. Clair.

Tell me, my dear, are you enjoying our contest?

Go away!

292, 293, 294, 295, 296...

Announcer: And now Mrs. Gail inchley.

Woman: That's right.

Mrs. Inchley is concocting a-- let me see...

(Whispering) Patsy. Psst.

It's a prune ship on whip. Isn't it, Mrs. Inchley?

Yes, and if I say so myself, I could make it 100 times.

It'll be great 100 times.

And believe me, that's a candid, unbiased opinion.

(Both laugh)

Thank you, Mrs. Inchley.

You're welcome.

Could I speak to miss St. Clair for a second, please?

Yes, but remember, no culinary advice.

Not an ounce.

Patsy!

Miss, what'll I do? I think I'm going to faint.

No, you're not. You haven't got time.

I haven't?

Patsy, I'm late for work. I'll see you later.

You can't just leave me here.

But you're all right now that it's in.

What'll I do till it's out?

Make friends and influence judges.

I can't. Most of them are women, and women don't like me.

I like them, but they don't like me.

What are you talking about? I like you, don't I?

Sure, but you're kind of an oddball.

Baby, I know it's chicken, but if you go, I go.

I just haven't got confidence.

You haven't got confidence in my mother's carrot cake?

I'm crazy about your mother's carrot cake.

Then it's settled. Fine. Bye.

Anne.

But listen, Mrs. Shea,

what has "You don't approve of me" Got to do

with "Where is my secretary?"

well, go knock on her door.

Maybe she come in, and you didn't see her. Maybe she's in the--

(door opens)

I'm awfully sorry. You're awfully sorry?

You know what I been through the last 2 hours,

the places I called?

Couldn't you have the common decency to put a nickel

in the phone or whatever it is and give me a ring?

Well, couldn't you?

Mr. Rocco, I said I was sorry.

I admit I was a little inconsiderate,

but I can't see why you're this angry.

Angry? Who's angry?

Did you think I was bawling you out?

I--i was worried, that's all.

Well, people are late for work sometimes.

I know, but this town, it's--it's different.

I mean, the things that could happen and the--

well, you're here. You're ok.

It's forgotten.

I won't ever be late again, I promise.

Oh, baby, I don't care what time you get here.

(Door opens)

Hussein asked the teacher for a makeup test, like you told him.

Did she give it to him?

Brother, did she give it to him.

You better come out to the kitchen.

Is it all right if I go, Mr. Rocco?

Well, I was going to ask your opinion about--

ah, nothing. Go help the kid.

Hey, that does things for you, roc, that new suit.

Suit.

"what is the value of b

if the formula x equals b doubled minus..."

sheesh!

Hussein, this teacher does not like you.

Oh, it probably isn't half as bad as it looks.

Man: Table 18, 2 lemon chops and the special.

Why, the stinker, the mean old stinker.

Hussein Mohammed for the rest of my life.

I just hope it's a short one.

You couldn't do it, huh?

It wouldn't be nice?

Well, I'd be much more ethical doing it

than she was giving it, but I just don't remember this much algebra.

In fact, I never knew this much algebra.

Man: Order in 4 chicken cacciatores.

I wonder if there's anybody I could ask.

It's no use. I have to mail it in tonight.

On top of everything else, she thought that I might find a way to cheat.

If you don't cheat, it'll be because we can't find a way.

She's no dope.

Wait a minute. There must be a math major

amongst our customers or an engineer

or somebody who could do this.

I'll just go up to whoever looks likely and ask.

No, no. Whoa. Wait. Wait a minute.

They'll think you're trying to pick them up.

I'll be tossing guys out of here like yo-yos.

Man: Table 22, 2 prime ribs.

I'm not saying it's a bad idea. It isn't for you, that's all.

What we need is a dame who can really--

friends and neighbors, the time is right.

This could be the night.

Now, that's perfect casting. Ivy, will you give US a lift?

If Hussein's ever going to get a new name,

we got to find a customer who can add "X" And "Y" And get--

and get "Z," Like that.

I still think I'm the one that ought to do it.

Sweetie, we can't send a girl to do a woman's work.

Come on, coach. What are we waiting for?

The bar's crawling with brains tonight.

Man: Order in 3 new Yorks, one rare, 2 medium, with French fries.

Second man: Louis, throw me a head of lettuce, will you?

Third man: Table 24, 2 beef stroganoffs.

Hey, that Tony--he gets under your skin, huh?

It's just that he's got some sort of wrong idea about me.

I wish I could make him see that I'm not--

now, wait, wait, baby. You listen to me, huh?

You're young. You've got your health. You're only reasonably unhappy.

Now, you let well enough alone, huh?

Man: Table 3, 3 filet mignons.

Second man: Order in 2 prime ribs rare, both heavy on the juice.

Ziggy.

Mmm...

Ivy, what you haven't got, I don't want.

You know, Ziggy, I wouldn't be surprised

if you were the smartest man in this room.

And from there, where do we go?

Honey, what does "X" Mean to you?

$50 a week alimony forever.

At a moment like this,

do you have to mention my ex?

That low, even I wouldn't stoop.

Ivy, where's patsy? She's got to go on in 10 minutes,

and she isn't even in the kitchen.

I'll bet Leon knows where she is, though.

Well, I'll squeeze it out of him.

Mr. Bernbaum...

Are all music critics attractive, or just you?

Ivy, you are like an entrance with French horns.

Ha ha ha! That's very sexy, Mr. Bernbaum,

but say something else.

Say something, for instance, about "X."

Leon! I want to know where's patsy!

Don't holler in my kitchen.

Oh, Leon, please! Tony will fire her if she don't show up.

What?

Do you know where she is?

I don't know where she is now.

What kind of an answer is that, you all-American genius?!

He told you not to holler in his kitchen!

Man: Order in beef stroganoff, a pair.

Second man: 2 beef stroganoff.

Oh, ray, how long before patsy goes on?

Oh, in about 5 minutes. Why, isn't she here yet?

No.

Wow. Well, I'll stall as long as I can, but you know Tony.

Yes. Oh!

Oh, Mr. Rocco, patsy's at a cooking contest,

crystal's on the warpath, I'm awfully involved,

and I don't think she's going to make the dinner show.

Well, that's Tony's department.

You better go tell him.

What are you worrying about? I'm here.

Yeah.

Why, that's a new suit, isn't it?

Yeah. Do you like it?

You look wonderful, just plain wonderful.

Thanks!

Announcer: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Presenting boy, boy, and a girl.

(Music playing)

Mr. Armotti, there's something I have to tell you.

In a minute. I want to watch this.

Some customers we got.

Yeah. Some math majors. Yeah.

Isn't that Mr. Hallerby?

I thought he was never going to darken our doors again.

That blowhard. 5 will get you 10 he goofs.

You mean, "X" Marks the spot?

That's very "X"-Ey, sweetie,

but it's the wrong "X."

could you be referring to the algebraic "X"?

Forgive me, lover. I'm about to find the lost chord.

What's your name?

Oh, Bruce. Bruce Cameron.

Oh, that's a lovely name, a sophisticated name.

Tell me, brucey,

what are your plans for tonight?

Well, I came in to see a friend of mine.

Anne Leeds. She works in the office here.

Little Annie? Really? Well, that's too bad.

It isn't often I get a chance to be with a man like you,

but c'est la vie.

Well, i--i don't have to see Annie.

Oh, that's good, brucey, because I have a problem,

and I need someone... Understanding.

Tell me about it. Tell me about all your problems.

Oh, I intend to.

Isn't that the teacher from your school?

That's the math teacher from my school.

Say, no lie?

If that doesn't take the cake, huh?

Cake? Mr. Armotti, I've got to talk to you about patsy.

I want to talk to patsy about patsy.

She's been like a sleepwalker all week.

You know, it's getting so the customers are too polite to applaud.

They're afraid they'll wake her up.

Where is she, the kitchen?

No. She isn't here.

She goes on in a minute.

She can't.

Then she's through.

Wait a minute. Let me explain.

You know how I feel about a performer not showing

without an a-one, first-class reason.

Maybe she doesn't feel good. Maybe she's home, laying in bed.

Watch your language in front of baby.

Maybe she got hit by a truck.

Fine. That's an a-one, first-class reason.

How can you? She's in a cooking contest.

I'll kill her.

A cooking contest? You knew it all the time.

You bet I did. I helped her.

The rest of you have got to let her live her own life.

She's telling me.

Why don't you listen?

She didn't get a college degree

for being stupid, you know?

All right, you're so smart,

why don't you do the strip?

Hey! I'd sooner put my mother on.

I got to go tell the orchestra.

(Fanfare)

(Playing swing music)

She's not only here. She's all here.

Even from a distance,

you can tell she's alive.

(Cheering)

* I'm a hustlin' news gal

* who's got the blues

* a-hustlin' the corner

* with the latest news

* so get your latest, latest copy here *

* all the latest news from far and near *

* sold a lot today and that's a fact *

* the money's coming's in, and my body is racked *

* please believe me, it's no act *

* come over to my corner

* I'm really stacked

* get your latest, latest copy here *

* get all the latest news from far and near *

* here's an extra batch you haven't seen *

* printed on the front page, painted green *

* if you want some scandal, know what I mean? *

* lift up the pages, and, hmm, look between *

* extra, extra

* read all about it here

* she's got all the latest news from far and near *

* page one has the headlines *

* 2 has got the news

* 3 gives you all those political views *

* 4 has got divorces down in the courts *

* 5, 6, and 7 has got the latest in sports *

* 8 rates the movies, 9 rates the shows *

* 10--and the critics say

* go, gal, go!

* get the 5-star final right off the rack *

* it's always got the races on every track *

* the price is right, so step up, Jack *

* if it's not on the front page, you'll find it on the back *

hey! Hey! All right!

* get all the latest news

* from far and near

(cheering and applause)

The blue ribbon. She won first prize.

Can she eat it? Can she marry it?

You wouldn't have fired her.

I wouldn't?

Well, listen...

If you're through reading my tea leaves,

could you go back to the office

in case, by mistake, some business should come up?

Certainly. I was going to congratulate patsy--

please. Not the haughty Princess bit, not when my head is splitting open.

Would you like me to get you an aspirin?

Nope. You can't help me bake a cake, either, or pass algebra

or get over a heartburn.

Just go and congratulate patsy

as a favor to the management.

It's a wet-type cake, roc, the kind that--

baby!

Congratulations.

Roc says if I teach Leon how to make the cake,

he'll put it on the menu.

Get me. If I teach Leon!

You want to catch a virus with no clothes on?

Ma, I won some money and a stove.

The money's for you, but i--

you won it, you keep it.

All I care about is the stove.

If it's all right with roc,

can it stay in my dressing room?

I know you wouldn't want it in the flat.

You want it in the flat.

Why didn't you have the guts to say so?

And why didn't you have the guts

to tell me you wanted to go into a cooking contest?

You'd have made such a fuss.

So what? It scares you?

You mean I can have it in the flat?

Don't ask me. Tell me.

Oh, ma!

And go change.

She has to live her own life sometime, doesn't she?

But first she's got to learn to tell me off.

Patsy is ok.

Not like you when you was a kid, but that's asking too much.

You should have seen her-- dynamite

and a knockout.

We go back a long ways, US two, huh, crys?

What do they know?

Not that I don't appreciate you giving her that recipe,

mind you.

Uh, baby...

Do you really like the suit?

I really love the suit.

You're not going to get all of these, are you?

I can't make up my mind which to--

let's weed them out.

3 weeks in the place,

and nobody can make a move

without you right in the middle.

I'm in the middle of too much, according to Mr. Armotti.

You got to understand about Tony--

with the kind of girls he's used to and--

what's wrong with that?

Too busy.

Yeah? You see, when I first took him under my wing,

like they say, he was just a young punk.

And at that particular time,

I was having a little trouble with my wife.

She run out on me. She--

try this one.

Oh. She's a nice girl.

It was my fault maybe. I don't know.

Anyways, it made me

what you might call cynical awhile, sour.

I, uh, I liked her.

You got to talk to somebody,

so I bent Tony's ear, I guess.

"stay away from the nice girls," I told him.

"they're poison. Stick to dames that know the score--

hello, thank you, and good-bye."

he listened like it was the Bible,

so ever since, whenever he sees a nice girl,

he gets nervous... Naturally.

Because they're poison...

Naturally.

There. You can go anywhere in that outfit.

Why not? I'm going to drop in on the club,

see what the competition's doing.

What do you say you come with me?

I can't. I've got to see that Hussein's test gets done.

Ask me another time, will you?

Sure. But I may never look this good again.

I'll wrap these to go back.

What do you want to do with that one?

I don't know about that. Open it up and see what you think.

You like it? It's not too big?

Is it for me, Mr. Rocco?

You really shouldn't have done--

don't say I shouldn't. I felt like it.

It's beautiful.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

They got them in all different sizes.

If you don't like it, I can take it back.

You just try and take this one away from me.

Roc, drop in at the Latin quarter first, will you?

They're trying out a new novelty act in the bar.

I'd like to know how it goes.

Ok, ok.

Baby, if you're still here when I get back,

I'll drive you home.

Is Bruce doing the test?

Sure. That Ivy doesn't waste any time.

Hello.

Yeah?

You were right the first time.

Yeah?

Yeah?

(Tony chuckling)

You stinker.

Homer says that Ivy has got to sing,

but Ivy says that the brain's getting restless.

You better come hold his hand while she's on.

She's not holding any hands.

He'll have to be satisfied with me.

Well, it's a nightclub, isn't it?

Say, why can't we play footsies like everybody else?

Later, love. After I sing.

Hi, boss. This is brucey, and he's a doll.

We met.

He's going to solve all my problems, aren't you, brucey?

Get to work, you sweet thing.

Where you going?

To the office to see Annie--

little Annie the snow maiden--

your secretary, old man.

Come on, now. Little Annie is busy.

And so are you, aren't you, old man, with all these problems.

Yes. But suddenly, I don't see why.

Why should a girl like Ivy go to night school?

If she does go to night school,

why should she take algebra?

What difference does it make?

When a friend needs money, you don't ask him what it's for, do you?

I certainly do.

And if it's for something silly,

I don't give it to him.

Why, brucey, you're a heel.

That well may be, little Caesar.

But I'm not doing any more algebra.

If you want to get out of here in one piece, you will.

Use your head, buddy.

Come on. That act went out a century ago.

You don't say.

You think I believe you'd pull anything here?

Not here.

We're going to go in the back room for a little chat.

Listen, you're kidding,

aren't you?

Let's go find out. Come on.

Let's go find out. Come on.

You're a sensible friend, very sensible.

(Applause)

Ray: They like you, boys.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the one and only Ivy corlane.

(Swing music playing)

* do do doo do do

* do do doo do do

* Sadie green-- the vamp of New Orleans *

man: Sing it, baby.

* has more beaus than the Navy has marines *

* when she stops to shake her hips *

* captain, captain, sink your ship *

* when she starts to vamp, "Oh, gosh!" *

* mama, burn my mackintosh *

* since this vamping baby came to town *

* she's turned everything right upside-down *

* oh, boy, full of speed *

* what she hasn't got she doesn't need *

* what a queen-- Sadie green *

* the vamp of New Orleans

* do do doo do do

* Sadie green-- the vamp of New Orleans *

* has more beaus than Boston has baked beans *

* when she starts to dance, oh, gee *

* mama, pin a Rose on me

* she makes bald men tear their hair *

* old or new, don't let her rear *

* since this vamping baby came to town *

* she's turned everything right upside-down *

* oh, boy, what a catch

* she's got big brown eyes and feet to match *

* what a queen-- Sadie green *

* the vamp of New Orleans

(cheering and applause)

(Whistles)

Well, hello.

Eggs Benedict. Pretty fancy.

Yes, i'm working my way

through the gourmet cookbook.

I might be willing to let you have one egg Benedict.

Too rich and too late.

Then how about a movie and an early supper tomorrow

before you come to work?

I thought I was too much like your sister to take out.

The content is similar, but the form is different.

We got 'em! We got 'em all.

Hussein, let me have a look.

There's a big room outside with lots of tables.

And lots of smoke.

If you're so delicate, go find yourself another hash house,

or do you have to be thrown out of here?

I don't know what's come into your life lately,

but what it's doing to your disposition is a crime.

It's my life, my club, and my disposition.

How about tomorrow?

Uh, I'll let you know.

Well, we'd better get started.

Copy them, not too neatly,

and erase a little.

I don't want him eating in here.

I can't very well tell him not to.

He's one of our best customers.

And I'd like to point out that there's a house rule--

the help don't date the customers.

The employers don't date the help-- that's the rule.

You know anything about the guy?

I know he's one of your best friends.

If you had any sense, that should be enough.

Finish with Hussein and go home.

And from now on, don't work past 11:00.

I've got a right to some rest around here.

You shouldn't let Tony upset you.

He's just trying to watch out for you, that's all.

Why me? Why not Ivy, crystal, or patsy?

Because you're the only--

you're the only greenhorn

we got around.

Everybody knows that.

What do you mean? How does everybody know that?

Tony told them.

Uh...finish.

Put it in an envelope and mail it.

(Growling)

(Barking)

Yeah. Yeah, in a minute.

(Soft music playing)

What are you doing here?

I'd like to talk to you for a minute.

May I come in?

All right. Come on.

Ok. What's the beef?

There's no beef,

just something I'd like to get straightened out.

Well, I'm listening.

It's this taking care of me and protecting me.

I've suddenly realized why you do it.

It's very sweet, but I wish you'd stop it

because it really isn't necessary.

That's your opinion, baby.

My name is Anne Leeds.

You can call me Anne, miss Leeds, or "Hey, you,"

anything but baby.

I vote. The board of education lets me teach,

and when it comes to knowing my way around,

I'll match myself against any dame in the place.

(Knock on door)

Woman: Come on, Tony. I'm raring to go.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize...

Uh...i have to call off--

woman: What do you mean, call off?

You see, I didn't know--

yeah, I know. You mean, I came all the way here--

I'll call you tomorrow.

You do that. And don't hold your breath until I answer the phone.

You shouldn't have done that.

You shouldn't be here.

For heaven's sakes, look-- wait, wait, wait.

(Turns music off)

I think I'm going to need a drink.

I could use one myself.

I hate to disappoint you, but it won't be my first.

Well, there's always one you don't get to.

Would you sit down a minute? Over here.

Look, I can understand.

It's a pain to have people act

as if you didn't know how to handle yourself.

I know. But try to see it from my angle.

You see, no matter how sophisticated you think you are,

you're still a...

Uh...

A greenhorn, a nice girl.

Yeah, well, whatever you want to call it,

it's a responsibility.

But why is it your responsibility?

You work for me.

Does that make you my father?

If I was your father,

you'd be back in Massachusetts, where you belong.

But I left Massachusetts because I wanted to meet new people

and make new friends, live a little.

Not in my place.

Oh, really.

You seem to think i'm

a museum piece to be pressed between the pages of a book

or pickled in alcohol.

You're getting off to a flying start.

Not on 2 drinks, Mr. Armotti.

Maybe you're right about me,

but let me ask you one thing.

If I didn't handle myself pretty well,

is it likely that I'd still be

what you call a nice girl?

It could be there was nothing much to handle.

I don't want to seem immodest, but I can tell you,

as a matter of fact, that I was the belle of Newton, mass.

You had a lot of experience with guys, huh?

Naturally.

Not just with yokels? Mm-mm.

They come in all kinds in Newton, mass.

All kinds, all types, every known approach,

not that there are as many approaches as men like to think

and not that there are as many types of men as men like to think.

But no matter how many types there are,

you know how to handle them all.

For the belle of Newton, mass, it's a cinch.

Yes, it's a cinch,

because up to now,

I've never met anybody that I cared enough about.

Not necessary to preserve some special sort of status,

but I wouldn't expect you to understand that.

I don't think you're bright enough.

That's right. I never went to college like you.

Don't be so proud of it.

It might have broadened that narrow mind of yours.

You live like a Casanova

with a string of women running up and down the stairs,

but when somebody tries to talk to you truthfully,

you react like an outraged prude.

Let me tell you something.

You're the museum piece, not me.

Suppose you let me ask a question.

What are you doing here?

I told you. I came up--

to straighten me out,

to show me you know your way around. Why?

Why show me anything?

You don't think I'm very bright.

We don't speak the same language.

I haven't read any of those books,

and those I do read, you wouldn't spit on.

What do you want?

An amusing item for the eggheads back home,

a chapter headed, "Interesting morons I've known"?

Oh, no. I think so.

And it's fine with me.

But before I toss you out of here-- and I'm going to--

there's something I want to find out.

You've done an awful lot of big talking

about what you can handle.

Well, let's see.

Why should Hussein be the only one

who has a test tonight?

Ok.

Ok. Now you can beat it.

You see?

You see what can happen?

Exactly what I wanted to happen.

What are you so afraid of?

Baby...baby, please, do me a favor.

Put your coat on.

(Telephone rings)

(Ring)

(Ring)

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, it's you, roc.

I, uh, I had, uh, I fell asleep.

I had a headache, so I turned in.

Who? Baby?

Uh, she, uh, she left awhile ago.

Tony! Shh!

She's not home yet.

Her landlord's here--a fella by the name of shea.

He and his missis are worried about her.

Now, where do you--what?

Oh. It's ok.

She's spending the night with a girlfriend.

The wife and I have the distinct impression

she don't know anybody in New York that intimate.

Tony, Mr. Shea says she don't know anybody that good.

Patsy? Oh, sure. It figures.

Patsy St. Clair.

Nice kid. Works here.

She lives with her mother--

a nice, quiet old lady.

Well, I guess

a mother and her daughter satisfies me.

It's ok, Tony. Go back to the hay.

I'm going to lock up and go.

I don't want you to get the impression we don't trust her.

You just have to look at that girl and know she's solid gold. But--

it's US you don't trust.

Don't I know and don't I feel the same way.

Have a cigar, Mr. Shea.

Thanks.

Let me call him up,

tell him that I came up here on my own.

Believe me, it would be better to tell him

I lured you up here with gumdrops.

He's got a thing about you.

A what?

A case, a yen. You know more words than I do.

Find the right one and fill it in.

That's ridiculous. He's fond of me.

He may even have a sort of fatherly feeling towards me.

Have it your own way.

Everything's ok. He'll be gone in a minute.

Yes, but Mr. Shea will walk home slowly.

Then he'll tell Mrs. Shea.

Then they'll have a snack.

They'll still be up when I get home,

and everything will look very--

I fixed it up all over, didn't I?

I think I'd better stay right here.

No. Oh, no.

Come on, none of that.

Hey, wait a minute.

Come on.

Crystal, Tony.

Can baby stay at your place tonight?

Never mind why.

Can she or can't she?

Thanks. Thanks. You're a good guy.

She's a good guy, that crystal.

Come on, come on. Let's go.

Come on, up.

I never thought

I'd fall in love with such a silly man.

The kitchen lights are out.

Roc must have gone.

I'll go first. If I signal, duck back.

Come on.

Hey. Baby.

(Whimpers)

The second floor in the front-- apartment 2-b.

But I want to talk to you a minute.

You said something back there just before we left.

I said that I loved you.

Because you were plastered,

because 2 drinks and you're a gone goose.

I might never have said it without the drinks,

but it would have been true all the same.

That doesn't make any sense. You know that, don't you?

I just know what I feel.

Then you better know what I feel--

nothing.

I don't believe that.

Listen, baby,

I kissed a good-looking girl.

It's happened before,

and the chances are pretty good it'll happen again.

Don't read anything else into it

because there is nothing else.

This is the end of the line.

All right.

Don't worry about it.

Did you take her to patsy's

to make the story good?

Yeah, yeah. That's right.

You don't want to listen, do you, roc?

That's right.

Well, what are you waiting for?

What am I supposed to do, hit you?

You punk. I'm going to teach you a lesson.

That's not why you're doing this. Don't kid yourself.

You're jealous, that's all.

You'd like to stake her out for yourself.

What? A girl like that?

I never once thought...

But not you, no.

You couldn't let her alone.

To you, it didn't matter that she's...

You're wrong, roc.

All the years I've known you,

you've never been this wrong.

(Music playing)

Come and get 'em.

In order to have a stove delivered at 7 A.M.,

who did you have to promise what?

(Chuckles)

(Door buzzes)

(Buzz)

Is she here--baby?

Asleep. Have some coffee.

Well...

Well, look who's here in time for flapjacks.

Shut up. Give him the coffee and beat it.

Yeah.

Don't let the pancakes get cold.

(Turns music off)

When he brought her over, was she all right?

When who brought her over?

What kind of a question is that?

Come on, crys. You know what I mean.

Listen, Rocco, I'm a girl,

an old girl, mind you, but a girl nonetheless.

There are certain things we don't tell guys.

You want to know something? Ask her.

Ask me what, Mr. Rocco?

Well...nothing.

Remember, you're the invited guest.

He's not.

Oh, you brought my purse. I left it in...

In the club.

No, I didn't. I left it in Tony's apartment.

He handed you a line, didn't he?

He gave you a lot of malarkey

about wanting to talk to you.

Otherwise, you wouldn't have gone up there.

He tricked you, didn't he?

No, Mr. Rocco. I went there by myself.

I wanted to see him.

How could you do such a thing?

A girl like you...

There was nothing wrong in my going to his apartment

or in what happened after I got there.

There wasn't?

No.

Then why did he lie to me over the phone?

Because he was as shocked at my being there as you are.

What did you go up there for? Why did you

have to go up there and start all this trouble?

I wanted to talk to him.

Why?

Because I love him.

No.

No, you don't.

You can't.

You don't understand about Tony.

He's the kind of a guy

who could wind up in the clink easy

or driving a truck or something.

You just think you feel what you said.

All right, I just think I do.

Well, I...

I came to return your purse.

Listen, Tony, I want to talk to you.

You listen. I stood still for a shellacking

because I figured I owed you something after 10 years,

but that paid me up.

If you ever raise your voice to me again,

let alone your hand, I'll beat your brains out.

(Telephone rings)

(Ring)

Yeah?

(Piano tuning)

I was wrong, Tony.

You got to admit it looked bad,

but I should have at least listened.

(Sternly) So, I was wrong. I'm sorry.

What do you want me to do,

(softly) Kill myself?

Enough already. Knock off, will you?

You want a sour piano? Have a sour piano.

Don't get on your high horse with me!

Go take some air! Come back later!

You should live so long.

All right.

What can I do? I'm a little on edge.

Say everything's ok, maybe I'll feel better.

Everything isn't ok.

The girl's got to go.

If she can't see her way clear,

don't worry about it. I'll go.

Get something through your head.

Except she's a wonderful girl,

baby doesn't mean a thing to me.

I'm no educated man, but I can add things up.

I know her age. I know my age.

And this kind, I'm not,

which, if you'll excuse me for bringing it up,

Tony, you should have known.

All right, all right.

All right. You're sorry. I'm sorry.

It's a standoff.

Just remember, it ain't personal.

Only you don't want her to go.

And you do. Why?

Because she's stuck on you?

If that's a reason for canning,

we should can half the chorus.

That isn't the same thing.

Roc, maybe nothing happened last night,

but something could have happened.

What do you think I'm made of, glass?

Roc, this kind of girl you can't fool around with.

This kind of girl you have to marry.

I'm not getting married

until I'm too old to do anything else.

It's not me, not this boy.

And if she can't read or write, that's fine,

because I'm not going to wind up

at concerts and lectures.

I'm not going to wind up in college taking courses,

not me, not this boy.

I'm putting it on the line.

Either she goes or I go.

She goes.

Who's going to tell her, you or me?

Nobody has to tell her.

That was her back there on the phone. She quit.

Ah, that makes it easy on everybody.

Did she seem upset?

I wouldn't say she was laughing.

She's better off.

This isn't the place for her.

She don't meet the right element here.

I never wanted her here.

Then you should be satisfied.

I'm satisfied.

"and then queen Guinevere said to Lancelot,

"sir knight, I give thee my sleeve that in the...

(Mispronounces) Joosting..."

jousting.

Jousting.

"that in the jousting,

you may be--"

ow!

Hey! Fight! Fight!

Boys! Boys, will you please stop?!

Sit down, all of you!

Everybody, sit down immediately!

(Children yelling)

Shut up!

Everybody, sit down!

I'm in the wrong seat.

Me, too.

Get in the right one. Don't make a production.

It's a pretty tough racket you're in, baby.

They're usually very good.

Do you want to wait?

Because we have to go on with our reading lesson.

You mean these hoods can read English?

Get out your books. I want to hear.

Sammy, I think you were reading.

Yes.

"sir knight, I give thee my sleeve

"that in the... (Mispronounces) Joosting--"

jousting--

"you may be my champion.

"and that day, sir Lancelot did triumph

over all who did joust against him."

thank you. John, please.

"and this he did for the queen's sake,

"for he was ever the champion of ladies

and the old and the weak."

that's the end of the chapter.

A fine bunch of knights.

Ok, let's begin with the joost.

I challenge all comers.

What's the matter? You chicken?

You only fight with dames?

We didn't fight with her.

Nobody done it on purpose.

She nearly got knocked on her--

on the floor, didn't she?

I didn't hear anybody say they're sorry.

Well, what's the matter,

you're too big to say you're sorry?

Kids: I'm sorry.

That's better.

Listen, you guys, I'm going to give it to you straight.

If I ever have to come back here,

I'm going to take you on row by row with one hand tied behind me.

You get it?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

(Bell ringing)

You're glued? Beat it.

Baby, I came to...

I came to give you your salary.

That's too much.

It's severance pay.

You're not entitled to severance pay when you quit.

We'd like you to have it, roc and me.

What are you going to do now?

Oh, eat, sleep,

look for another job probably. Why?

Baby, why don't you go back to Massachusetts?

It figures if you stay here,

you're going to get in some kind of a jam--

it will be my jam, won't it?

You just own the tonic, you know, not me.

You don't have to get sore.

I'm just trying to talk to you like a friend.

You're not succeeding.

Oh.

Bruce, did you want to see me?

I thought we might have some lunch, but--

love it.

I want to talk to you a minute.

Just hold on a second. I want to talk to her a minute.

When you're through with your boss--

he's not my boss,

and we have nothing to say to each other.

(Humming)

Hi.

* I passed it, I passed it *

* the algebra test, I passed it *

(all cheering)

What's your new name going to be?

You have to pick one, you know.

Wait, wait, wait. I got it.

X-minus-y cacciatore.

(Laughter)

How about Vanderbilt? You can't go wrong with that?

There's nothing sexier than John Smith ii.

Well.

Hussein: I've got a better one.

But there's someone

that I have to ask first what they think.

(Music playing)

I passed my algebra test.

Good boy! Good boy!

Where's baby?

She ain't here.

Is she sick or something?

She don't work here no more. She quit.

What do you mean? What happened?

What happened? Nothing happened.

She quit. People quit all the time.

What's the big mystery?

Nobody in the kitchen even mentioned it.

Why should they mention it?

They're sorry. I'm sorry. Everybody's sorry.

What do you want US to do, close down the club?

Ah, forget it.

You make friends with people,

it doesn't necessarily give you a life interest.

How did you make out on the algebra?

I passed it.

Well, great. You pick a new name?

Mr. Rocco, baby was just crazy about it here.

She wouldn't have quit for no reason.

Hussein, I had a day that shouldn't happen to a dog.

Don't aggravate me, please.

You got questions to ask, ask...Tony.

(Distant applause)

Man: Thank you, bubbles.

Next, patsy St. Clair and a couple of...

(Music playing)

What happened to baby?

She quit.

Why?

Ask Rocco.

Well, he said to ask you.

Why did she quit?

What difference does it make?

It's hard to explain.

I feel too lousy to try.

Why do you and Rocco both feel lousy?

Rumor has it you fired baby.

She quit.

Why?

(Mumbles)

Rumor also has it you dated her last night.

Could it be

that you were foul enough to make a pass?

Crystal.

Come here.

Been doing a little talking, crystal?

A little talking and a lot of thinking

about whether I want my little girl to remain in this kind of rattrap

under this kind of management,

in case you're interested.

I'm not.

Tonic club owner Tony armotti,

when queried about the Boston babe,

made the following comments--

Ziggy, one word in the column about baby, just one word,

and you won't know yourself.

I'm used

to the way your bartender makes martinis.

Otherwise, I'd spit in your eye.

Did you pass your algebra?

Yes, I passed algebra.

Yes, I picked a new name-- Harry armotti.

It was going to be,

but if I am beginning to think baby quit is why she quit,

I wouldn't use that name of yours for a million bucks.

(Applause)

Man: That's all for now, ladies and gentlemen.

It's dance time again.

Mike, another slug.

Say, Tony, how come baby quit?

Roc wants to talk to you.

I know it isn't any of my business,

but I'm kind of curious about why baby quit.

Eddie, please. Don't ask.

If you know what's good for you, don't ask.

Tony, well, Tony,

I've been thinking things over.

So have I.

I want to get away for a while, go on a trip maybe.

I haven't had a day off in 6 months.

What's to be so surprised about?

What I wanted to talk to you about is I want to get away.

Oh.

What do you mean, oh? I haven't had a day off in 2 years.

Whose fault is that? Every time I try to make you go,

you give me a big song and dance

about you get the blues when you're not here.

So, now I get the blues when I am here.

(Whistles)

Hey. Hiya, counselor. Come on in.

Oh.

You sure it's all right?

Yeah. Why shouldn't it be all right?

Last night, it wasn't.

Oh, that. That was last night.

I got to get out of here, roc, honest.

(Telephone rings)

What?

Oh, hi, waxie. How's tricks?

What? No, she didn't steal nothing.

Hey, listen, she didn't get fired.

She, uh, resigned.

Well, because of, uh,

for personal reasons, you might say.

Believe me, you wouldn't be making no mistake.

She's an a-one secretary of the highest caliber,

and I can recommend her

with, well, with the biggest recommendation.

It's a pleasure, wax.

Hey, wax? Give her my regards, huh?

Well, that takes care of baby. She's all set.

What do you mean, she's all set?

Waxie London's new place-- part-time secretary.

Just like here.

The guts of that waxie London.

10 years with uncle for grand larceny,

and he's worried, is baby honest?

Are you out of your mind?

Why did you let her take such a job?

Why did I let her? The girl's free.

She can work where she wants.

You know why she went over to waxie, don't you,

to show me, to spite me.

That's crazy, Tony. You're getting

one of them persecution complexes.

The girl needs a job, that's all.

There are a million jobs she could get.

The only experience she has is in nightclub work.

Do me a favor, will you? Mind your own business.

Why should he mind his own business?

Why don't you stop minding baby's business?

Do you know what kind of a place it is?

It just opened up. Nobody knows.

Everybody knows waxie London, don't they?

A man can change, can't he? What if he's gone straight?

What are you all of a sudden, a judge?

Ahh.

I beg your pardon.

Gee, where are you going in such a hurry, roc?

I'm going to get drunk, that's where I'm going.

But you'll get heartburn.

It's better than what I got.

Hey, Tony, long time, no see.

Nick, I didn't know you were out.

Sure. A couple of days ago.

Through the office. Through the office and up the stairs.

Thanks, Nick.

Well, this is a surprise.

You can tell me all about it later.

Right now, you're getting out of here.

I certainly am not.

Where's your coat?

That's Mr. London's apartment.

Come on, miss know it all,

miss take care of yourself.

Where's your coat? (Telephone rings)

Will you get out of here before i--

waxie's torch. Good evening.

No. Mr. London isn't in the office at the moment.

Would you care to leave a message?

"watch out"?

Just "Watch out"?

Who is this, please?

All right, baby. Come on.

Come on, let's quit--

I can't seem to make you understand that I work here.

I like working here, and I'm going to go on working here.

It may be smaller than the tonic, but my salary is larger.

How come you're worth so much?

Come on, come on.

Tony, pal, I knew you'd come to see old waxie.

If I say, it'll be the brained old waxie.

What do you mean hiring a girl like that?

I'm terribly sorry about--

what do you mean, what do I mean hiring a girl like that?

She's looking for a secretary job. I got a secretary job.

Why shouldn't we do business?

You tell her what kind of business?

What's that got to do with her?

She sits in the office. She answers the phone in a nice voice.

And every once in a while, she types a letter.

What's so terrible?

She sits and types a letter to my mother.

A lovely letter, Mr. London.

He hasn't got a mother. She passed away--

god rest her soul--a good 10 years ago.

I don't understand. Why would he want me to keep on writing it?

He's got to have something legit for you to do,

doesn't he?

Because what he hired you for is window dressing,

window dressing for a gambling joint,

that's all.

That's a dirty lousy lie. And what's it to you?

If you say one more word, so help me--

(crashing)

Shut up. Shut up.

(People talking excitedly)

What is it, Mr. London? What's happening?

It don't pay to be honest. That's what's happening.

(Women screaming)

(Whistle blowing)

Hey, boys, I cheated the cops.

Let's go.

Man: Get him.

Come on.

Man: All right, folks, off the dance floor.

Nobody will get hurt...

Second man: Get in that private office.

Open up. Open up.

The washroom. Through the washroom.

Sergeant, let's get this door open.

Hold this.

(Pounding)

Man: Try the side door!

All right, open this door!

Come on, what are you waiting for?

Open up in there! Open up!

Down the street.

(Sirens)

You might as well face it, baby,

you can't make a move without getting in trouble.

Still, in all,

if you don't want to go back to Massachusetts--

you don't-- that's up to you.

The only thing is I can't keep traveling all over the city

bailing you out.

So, you know what I think?

I think you ought to come back to the tonic.

Ok, huh?

I'm telling you for the last time,

I'm none of your business.

Man: Hey, taxi! Baby: Taxi!

Taxi.

Come here, buddy.

Thanks, girlie.

This isn't your cab.

Shh. It is so.

No, this is my taxi, isn't it, driver?

It's my taxi. And in a minute, I'm leaving with it.

Come on, honey. Act like a lady, will you, please?

Move off, buddy. Off there.

Hey. What the--

out! Out!

Hey, what happened? Somebody tripped me or something.

Man: Ah, it must be the wind.

You see what I mean, baby?

You can't make a move.

Ooh!

Listen, buddy, will you follow me down the street?

Yeah, sure, ok.

Ok?

Yeah.

* my poor heart is sentimental *

* it's not made of wood

* I got it bad

* and that ain't good

* but when the weekend rolls... *

hey, roc,

I've been thinking it over about baby.

Taking everything into consideration,

she'll be better off here.

Yeah?

Yeah.

At least here, everybody appreciates her.

In my opinion, you might be right.

Only thing is, you were kind of worried

about what would happen if she hung around,

you know,

with night school and concerts and lectures

and all like that.

Yeah. When it happens, I'll worry about it.

In that case, I'll hire her back.

I got no objections.

I did already. She's in the office.

Fine. That saves me the trouble.

Well, I'll see you later.

Yeah.

(Applause)

Hey, Mike, a bottle of champagne.

Is baby back?

Yeah.

* this could be the night

* this...

Where is she?!

She's in the back.

Hey, baby, it's true what I hear, you're back?

Patsy: Yeah! Isn't that wonderful?

I passed it. I passed it. He got every problem right.

Good for him.

I knew she'd be back.

You should have seen Tony's face

when I got through telling him off. He was white.

But you should have seen Rocco when he got finished eating my food tonight.

He was green.

Leon, you didn't.

I did, I did.

You should have seen his face.

(Laughter)

We just came in

to say a little hello to the baby.

What do you think I came in for, to dictate a letter?

Hi.

Don't you say hi to me,

not until you put on your new suit.

Some bossy dame.

(Laughter)

College broad.

(Laughter)

Ivy: * ...And not take our inning? *

* why should we fight it?

* there's no chance of winning *

* and in this case, the beat would be oh, so, sweet *

* oh, the nights may come

* and the nights may go

* but tonight

* I know paradise is in our sight *

* and this could be the night *

* this could be the night

* this the wondrous night *

* of love