Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Is this a joke?

Yeah.

Hmm. Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I like that.

Oh. Wow. Hmm.

Hi. Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.

People often stop me in the street

and say, "Taking part in this show looks so much fun, Greg.

"When are you gonna do a version for non-celebrities?"

And I always give them the same response.

I turn my head away and I immediately cross the road.

If they follow me, I contact the police

and I fabricate

a crime that results in bare minimum,

a suspended sentence.

Now, let's meet

the special people who are better than you

and your silly families.

They are Alan Davies.

Desiree Burch.

Guz Khan.

Morgana Robinson.

And Victoria Coren Mitchell.

And next to me a man who is more than just a PA,

he's a P-A-I-N.

And he's always got his hands down his P-A-N-T-S cos he's got an

R-A-S-H.

It's...

little Alex Horne!

Desiree...

Desiree snorted at that one.

When you mentioned the rash. She must know.

She must know about your little pink blotches that you keep secret.

Always in spring, isn't it, that it appears.

The blotches?

Yeah. Regular as clockwork.

Oh, look the snowdrops are just fading away...

Yep. Right.

On with the prize task. Got it.

And this time you've asked them to bring in

the most ridiculous thin thing.

Now I've seen some ridiculous thin things in my life

and I'm about to see some more, so it's a great day

for me, there are five points for the most ridiculous thin thing

and all five of the ridiculous thin things will eventually go home

with tonight's winner. It's great stuff.

Desiree, what ridiculous thin thing will you present to me?

They are these trunks that when you get them wet in

the water they sort of dissipate, they just come off of you.

Dissolving pants from Desiree.

Yes. Here they are. They look like normal pants.

Get 'em wet. Get 'em wet.

Oh. They fall apart.

It's such a shame that you've

introduced those on this show cos I genuinely would buy those

for Alex.

I'd love for your truth to be revealed to the public.

Truth? Yeah. I've always called it my truth.

That's what I call it. I call it my truth as well.

So a strong opener I would say. OK.

Desiree, a strong opener. Morgana. Dissolving pants?

No, but I have brought with me today

the most ridiculous thin thing that I could find which is

Vic Reeves' beard hair.

Oh. And we can see it, I think, being

plucked from the face of Vic Reeves.

Take your pick. Go on.

Did you get it? Cool. Put it in. Look.

Oh.

OK. Wow. You're just in a pub there?

Yeah, just, just met up at Co-op.

The video was ridiculous. So ridiculous.

What you were wearing was ridiculous. Yeah.

The concept's ridiculous. Is the hair ridiculous?

Oh. Hmm.

I was trying to start a heated debate but no-one gives a shit.

Guz. Hi.

Can you beat a hair? Can you beat some dissolving pants?

Who knows? I actually think they're both very good.

But I chose this in particular to please one person

and one person only and that is you.

Well done. But... Thank you. Let's have a look.

Here it is. It's a picture of this person.

Oh. Alex Horne as Where's Wally. Let me explain.

If we weren't in a pandemic I'm sure like a,

a genuinely plausible task of his might be

to take us all to a very crowded place,

Alton Towers in the summer,

full of kids all shitting all over the place

and he would say in as quickly as you can, "Search for me."

On school trips.

You've seen kids shitting themselves?

One kid when we were in primary school on

a log flume - never lived it down.

What was his name? Shitty Sajid.

And he started saying

the name before you even asked him for the name.

Um, Alan.

I've brought in an LP, vinyl LP from the 1980s.

They're thin. They're thin.

Uh, it's a time when I was a student.

It's a time when Nelson Mandela was still in prison,

the Berlin Wall was still up.

Keep it light.

And I chose to buy, in 1987,

Popped in, Sold out by Wet Wet Wet.

Here it is. Popped in, Sold out - Wet Wet Wet.

Aw.

What's your favourite Wet Wet Wet song, Alex?

I liked it when they were Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet.

You know they had five Wets for a while.

Yeah, then they cut it down. Yeah.

OK, Victoria.

I have brought in something that I made.

Oh, Christ. Let's have a look at it.

OK, here it is. There it is. Now.

Oh, oh, well done.

You remember some time ago, I brought in

the most elegant thing beginning with G,

Greedy Esquire, but he's thin.

Shall we just have a look at him? Yes, we can see.

Look there we go. Very thin.

You ridiculed him. I don't find him ridiculous.

I don't think he's at all ridiculous but you find him ridiculous.

Let's see you put me last now.

Right. Very good.

So, if you don't mind me saying, somewhat aggressively submitting

Mr Greedy Esquire again for

the most ridiculous thin thing which I...

I'm gonna doff my invisible cap to her.

Checkmate. Or doff it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right this is easy. Sorry, Guz.

Where's Wally, it's not ridiculous enough for me.

I genuinely would expect

to see Alex wearing that outfit of his own volition.

I feel mean about this

but a single hair on its own in

isolation's not that ridiculous even though Vic Reeves is one of

the most ridiculous people there is.

Two points to Morgana and her mouth is wide open.

Not gonna make the Wet Wet Wet album

the most ridiculous thing. It's undeniably thin.

It's undeniably ridiculous

and there's a bit of quality on there as well.

Three points to Alan.

Four points to Desiree and really

because I imagined them dissolving off you.

Ah. Victoria with an absolute masterful hand by

a poker professional,

she takes the five points with Mr Greedy Esquire.

Yes. Yeah, baby.

All right, then, come on, let's see some action.

Yes. And let's see a spot of DIY action.

These look kind of like billiard balls but not. Billiard balls.

I guess, I don't even know,

what it is in this country actually.

I don't even know. Snooker, sorry, uh,

or snucker or snooker.

Put up a shelf for all the Taskmaster's snucker balls,

snooker, whatever.

All of Taskmaster's snooker balls must be at the Taskmaster's eyeline.

Only the Taskmaster's snooker balls may be on the finished shelf.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts now.

Put up a shelf. Yes, please.

How tall is he? I'm not sure. He seems tall.

Six foot six?

I'm gonna go and Google how, how tall he is.

All right. Can I... have you got a phone?

Yes.

Can you Google for me?

OK. Tell me what to type in?

How tall is Greg?

How, how tall is...

Greg...

Greg Davies.

How are we spelling that?

Uh, how tall is Greg from Taskmaster?

OK.

Right, Morgana appears not to be 100% sure who I am.

I am now.

Good. Yeah.

Desiree says snucker.

Like cooker.

It's hard to know which British pronunciations of,

you know, your language are the ones that you follow

because is it book, uh, look, snook.

Snucker's not a word in any...

Snicker?

..in any land. OK, fine. Snooker.

What's first on our agenda?

Move over, handy Andy and Craig from Big Brother.

Make way for Handy Morgandy

and Victoria from Only Connect. Here we go.

I don't, I... What? Ugh.

Ugh!

You seem quite outraged.

Well, I don't know how you put up a shelf.

A shelf? A shelf, please.

Can I use a shelf that's already been made?

Well, just move that.

Work with me, guys.

Pop that there.

His eyeline is gonna be up there, isn't it?

Oh.

The shelf is up.

Nothing on there but the Taskmaster's balls.

Shall I stop the clock?

Stop. Thank you very much. Thanks, Victoria.

Well, that doesn't work.

Ah!

I think what we need is just a little bit of texture.

Yeah. OK, please.

Oh, you're an arsehole!

Ohh!

Why don't I just do it the other way round?

Look at this.

Oh.

I think this is gonna be all right, you know.

Yeah.

If I don't hear anything drop

I reckon it means they've stayed up there.

Oh, time stopped. Is that it?

I've stopped the clock.

That'll do.

Incredibly competent by Victoria.

Mm-hmm. Found some shelves,

put the snooker balls on the shelf.

Now, the only thing I would notice is it's

a good job you are as short as you are

because in the opening seconds you would've chopped your own head off.

Yes. That was the closest we've come to a serious injury on the show.

Morgana, similar technique.

Find some shelves, bring them out

but then you added smash the shelf to pieces.

You turned it upside down. You called it an arsehole.

Actually I think it was the ball I was calling an arsehole.

But ultimately settled on the cushion system.

Yes, and actually all that work did mean it was closer

to your eyeline, Greg.

Yeah. Cos Victoria's was very quick. Hey.

Ah.

Victoria's was quick but more sort of chin line.

It was 71.5 centimetres.

God, you are tall, aren't you?

Right, that's the end of that part. Be gone.

Well, hello.

Welcome back to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies. This is Alex.

Hi, Greg. Hi, guys. Hi, Alan.

Before the break we discovered that

Greg's snooker balls were in desperate need of a shelf

to sit on.

And it had to be at Greg's eyeline.

Victoria and Morgana used shelves to make their shelves.

Let's see how Alan and Desiree went about it. Here we go.

What do I get to make the shelf out of?

Whatever you want, Desiree. OK. Might need this.

Have you got anything that's six foot six tall?

I'm six foot two.

Put it on you.

They're not going anywhere.

Fastest wins. I know, I know. Come on.

Six foot's 180, right?

OK. I mean, it's hard to believe that that's where his

eyes are but I think they probably are about there.

This was the initial plan. Yeah.

Sucker butt. OK.

Are you still trying to say snooker ball? Yeah.

I think you could probably hang that up there.

It's a little gravity.

So I'm gonna try

and put it on something. It's a different strategy. Yeah.

Ah. Oh, jebus.

I feel a shelf coming on. I can feel a shelf coming on.

OK. No-one lost an eye.

Do you want me to stop the clock?

I think so.

Doing this again?

I think so.

This is the snooker balls in a little bit of soil on that shelf.

So you want me to stop the clock?

Yes, yes, I desperately want you to stop this clock.

I've stopped the clock. I like your shelf.

Thanks.

What I love was the cocked leg system.

Yeah. It felt like,

this was cheating but this was now in play.

Did you forget where you'd put the table?

"I know that table's here somewhere."

"I guess I'll have to estimate."

Um, Alan, when you got the tray out I thought,

"Oh, OK, that's really clever because the balls are contained."

Of a hundred ideas that was the one good one.

And then you attempted

to turn it into some sort of cradle hanging from the fence.

Then you just gave up and you just piled

a load of rubbish up and stuck the balls on top.

Yeah. It was getting dark.

I mean Desiree's the only person who's entered into

the spirit of this really in that she did attempt to build a shelf.

No, I attempted to.

Who's left?

It's just Guz Khan left.

Yes. Here we go.

That's the cupboard door.

What is the definition of a shelf?

Definition of a shelf? Yeah.

A flat length of wood... Yeah.

..or other rigid material attached to a wall or forming part of

a piece of furniture that provides a surface for

the storage or display of objects.

Technically, you said attached to a wall, right?

Providing something is touching two surfaces,

technically it's attached.

Quite a big shelf.

You said a flat piece of wood

and you know what's going on above here?

Flat piece of wood, that.

I mean, it's actually more of a challenge to be honest with you.

And go here for you, bro.

I believe that's what you call a shelf.

With all the Taskmaster's snooker balls on.

Stop the clock? Thank you, Guz.

Thank you.

You got the definition of the shelf, you were happy with it.

That was not just a door or a piece of wood.

It had an accompanying rail of...

you might call 'em coat hangers, yeah.

But you can display any number

of objects on those coat hangers like pictures of your family

and friends, G-strings, whatever you want.

It's entirely up to you what you want to display up there.

But of the many things you could display, you went with

pictures of your family and friends or G-strings.

Yeah, just the two sides

of pendulum, innit, like whatever you want up there, right?

OK, yeah.

And then on top of that,

I believe there was a flat surface constructed

of wood which had all your balls very nicely displayed

and was also completely attached to the fence.

So that was the result of what we had.

I mean he's absolutely captivating, isn't he?

Hmm.

We all saw with our own eyes he just leaned

a couple of things up against

the fence and balanced some balls on it.

Well, he... And yet I'm totally drawn in by the man.

So Desiree was the slowest,

19 minutes with the cock system.

Morgana 17 minutes.

Alan 13 minutes.

Guz was seven minutes but Victoria just three minutes.

Wow. Very speedy with her dragging the shelves.

Blimey. Yeah. But it was the lowest of the shelves.

The furthest from the eyes.

Well, if you, if you penalise me for that I,

that's literally physical discrimination.

So be it.

So are you gonna change the points at all for,

uh, eye-level-ness?

Give them the five to one points according to speed.

But then... Right.

I think we should score it again according to...

Eyeline height. ..eyeline height.

Yeah. Then I think we should divide the scores by two.

So your eyeline is 76 inches.

Yeah. Desiree's was 77.

Then we have Alan's 77.5.

Morgana's was 78 inches then Guz's was at 73 inches.

Victoria's 71 and a half so she would just get the one point there.

So these four people all get three points

because Morgana's was rounded up from two and a half.

Lovely. This guy, Alan Davies.

Who just put, piled a load of rubbish against a fence.

He got, he got three and a half points

but we're rounding that up to four points. He wins the task.

Life's not fair. Four points.

OK, do you have some scores? I do.

It's an unfamiliar leaderboard because right at the top

with eight points it's Victoria Coren Mitchell.

Onwards.

Onwards and here's a catchy little task for you.

Hello. Balloons.

Write and perform a 30-second jingle.

You must reach into the barrel to find a subject of your jingle.

Then pop a balloon to discover

the instrument that you must play under your jingle.

Hence the pin.

You have 15 minutes.

Your time starts as soon as you've chosen your subject and instrument.

OK.

Choices, there are choices.

Shall I unwrap it?

Do you know what that is, Alan?

I don't know what it is. Printer of some sort? Nearly.

Laminator.

What is this?

I still don't know what this is? Is this shrimp?

Oh!

Scared the shit out of me.

Snakes in a can. Just snakes in a can.

Yeah, your jingle is about the snakes in a can.

Victoria? Yes. Why are you putting them away?

Oh, I don't know, really.

For the, it was for the integrity of the product. OK.

Oh!

So annoying. Right I'm gonna leave it there.

What about the integrity of the product?

Well, never mind - it can just be like that.

Don't know why that's funny.

It's on a scroll.

And on the scroll it says "mini drum kit."

A mini drum kit.

That is exactly the kind of musical instrument that I would've wanted if

I was doing this task.

Ah. A stylophone.

That's a good instrument.

If, you know, if I could play.

Swanee whistle.

Swanee whistle.

Oh, have you played the swanee whistle before? Mm-hm.

I've got a black belt. Have you?

Lovely, uh, differentiation between

the laminator reactions, I thought.

Old father time didn't know what that fangled technology was, did he?

Didn't have the strength the pop a balloon!

Right, shall we?

OK, we have a good range of instruments and products.

Before we see the fruits of their labour,

here is an insight into everyone's jingle-making process.

That's not a swanee whistle.

Oh. OK this is fun, OK.

This, bro, this is...

Oh!

This is not a swanee whistle. Oh, I'm thinking of a kazoo.

How do you change the note?

How do you write a jingle to drums? I am not Phil Collins.

HE PLAYS DRUMBEAT

Does it have anything to do with this thing? Yes.

Maybe a bit quicker?

Sticks. Who needs sticks?

Are you meant to change note by turning that? No.

No. Ah!

Why is it funny?

There is nowhere good to put a crabstick that doesn't sound foul.

I'll never better it.

Oh, Victoria.

Incredible.

Guz, instantly I think yours is gonna be the best.

It... that, that was a lot of fun.

And I, I did end up buying it to take it home.

It's broke now it was broke.

I'm looking forward to seeing everybody's jingles.

Right, as you saw they recorded their music first

and then performed the jingle over the top

and the first one we're gonna see is for snakes in a can

with a swanee whistle to add a touch of musicality

and it's Morgana's attempt.

SWANEE WHISTLE PLAYS

♪ Snakes in the can

♪ Snakes... Snakes in the can

♪ Gun. Snakes in the can

♪ Snakes...

♪ Snakes in the can

♪ Gun

♪ Snakes, snakes, gun, gun

♪ Snakes in a... can. ♪

It was one fresh vibe, if you don't mind me saying.

May I offer up a small criticism? Yeah.

Would it ha...

Would it be fair to say you may have taken

the fun out of the product a little?

Well, I was going for a sort of dirty sort of Berlin vibe, you know.

But that was so cool...

Yeah.

..and I just don't see how it's gonna accompany the product.

This is where I have

the natural advantage cos I don't think the aim was

to make the jingle the best thing.

It was to make people want the snakes in the can.

Let's see what Victoria,

a woman who, seconds before this composition, didn't know what her

instrument was...

Yes, same product, same musical instrument. Different outcome.

Do you know someone who likes a surprise?

Buy them snakes in a can. See the joy in their eyes.

You had a sunny background designed at great expense, no doubt,

and the demeanour of a funeral director.

I thought I was quite smiley there.

It's less joyful than,

"Do you know someone who's been injured in an industrial accident?"

"Need to kill someone?"

That genuinely seems to me to be just jolly.

"Buy them snakes in a can.

"I mean, they can't do anything else after the accident."

I'm not seeing what you're seeing.

I think that looks like a jolly person going,

"This is going to be fun in a thing." Right. "There it is."

Well, you keep telling yourself that while you nurture your one point.

I can smell three drifting in on the breeze.

It's a fresh, exciting smell and I want it now,

so as I vanquish part two's rotting stench with an odour neutraliser,

go and watch some adverts and get ready for eau de trois.

Hello. Welcome back to part three of Taskmaster.

♪ I've missed you and I've kissed you

♪ And I've tissues inside these shoes. ♪

Jingles, that's the name of the game.

Next up, and trying to sell crabsticks with a drum kit,

it's Desiree.

DRUM INTRO

Did you wake up crabby? Who, me? Yes, you.

Well, I woke up crabby... Let me tell you what to do.

Put a crabstick in your face.

We got all the crabs in the same place.

It'll rid you of all your acne and your flab.

The only thing it can't do is be real crab. Don't ask it to.

Banging, man! Banging.

How else are you gonna sell crabsticks? It's not even real crab.

Now, that's a jingle. That's a jingle.

I concede that was better than mine.

So the contestants chose

what they wanted behind them on the green screen,

so the skateboarding grandmother, that was all Desiree's inspiration.

Yes, as a child of the '90s,

every commercial had a skateboarding grandma

eating a taco or a Twinkie or something, just like,

super into it so the kids know,

"Even grandma think it's cool, so we'd better get in on this."

Right. Let's see some more.

OK. Next up, it's Alan, accompanied by stylophone.

And this is a big one

because we all know the Taskmaster loves his laminator.

ALAN: Imagine a world without lamination.

♪ Laminate, laminate, just in case you spill

♪ Laminate, laminate, on your granddad's will. ♪

You've gone for a very specific audience.

It'd be a nice thing, that,

to have playing on a loop outside funeral homes.

During the reading of a will.

Yeah, really good, Alan. Finally...

Finally, someone else is going to try to sell you a laminator.

This time, with drums and me, it's Guz.

DRUMS PLAY

Uh.

Uh.

Uh, exclusive.

These man here, they wanna jingle.

But you see me, blud, I wanna eat Pringles.

Pringles. Man was single.

Single. Free to mingle. Mingle.

Back then my ting used to go tingle. Tingle. Tingle.

But now I'm like a laminator.

But I was blocked, constipator.

I'm done with my bath.

Ta ta, see you later.

Ta ta, see you later.

So good!

Well, A, you should never use Alex,

he destroyed the urban vibe instantly.

I wanna drill down into the narrative, if I may, a little.

As far as I could tell,

you initially reminisced about your life as a single man. Yes!

During which period your penis...

..your penis regularly tingled.

Yeah, he was eating a lot of Pringles. He was eating Pringles.

He was mingling and his penis was tingling. Yeah. And then...

He laminated his penis.

That's what I got.

Would have been a good health and safety thing, I expect...

No, when it comes to the laminator, right at the end of the jingle,

Guz simply rhymed the word laminator with constipator.

Like, it was one of them, it was just...

It was one of them?

Well, it was a subtle, just a subtle product placement.

Also, you were playing the drums for 14 minutes

and then wrote it for one.

OK, Greg, we need to mark these jingles.

I don't think I should give anyone one point.

Mm-hmm. OK.

I should give Victoria two.

She should thank me for both of them.

I... I thought you were going to say zero.

OK, so two to Victoria.

I really loved Guz and Alan.

I'm not convinced that they reached as broad a audience

as they might have.

I have to put a gulf between theirs and Victoria,

I'm going to give them both four points.

If you're saying...

You think there was more joy

in Alan's discussion of laminating your granddad's will

than in my joyful snake exploding out of a can, Alex laughing...

I think that's exactly what he's saying.

So the lamination brothers get four points each. That's right.

I'm going to give Desiree and Morgana a sweet five points each

because they both made me want to rush out and buy their products.

There we go. Five points to Desiree and Morgana.

What's the last task today, please, Alex?

Well, the last task involves a fiendish dilemma, Greg,

and a big old pipe.

D'oh.

Tube and a box.

Yes.

"Either get the pipe through the box..."

"And everything in it."

"Then get the box and everything in it through the pipe."

"Or get the box and everything in it through the pipe,

"then get the pipe through the box and everything in it."

"Get the pipe through the box and everything in it,

"then get the box and everything in it through the pipe,

"or get the box and everything in it through the pipe,

"then get the pipe through,

"through the box and everything in it."

"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

Do you want to talk us through it?

I think Desiree's talked us through it enough, hasn't she?

Made it very clear what the rules were.

It was a rough day. You're shoving everything through a thing

or you're shoving the thing through everything else.

Here's what Alan, Desiree and Morgana did.

SHE GASPS

Oh, you fuckers.

Shove the pipe through this.

You're already tights, just remain tights.

Cool. OK. So, bing, bong, bing.

It gets harder the smaller it gets.

I've gotta get that actually through.

Everything's through the pipe.

"Get the box and everything in it through the pipe."

It doesn't have to be in the box.

These are definitely footed tights.

Yeah, that's where they like to tear.

I'll just have to get a poker.

How am I gonna get this through this pipe?

Dramatically reduce it in size with a bit of rubber action?

Around, is that through or do I need to adhere these sides now?

I think that's good.

I think it'll all go through once I begin the great push, you know.

Oh, no, I've got a blockage.

This would be a good thing to, to assist in the great push.

The cardboard tube's stuck.

ALEX: Well, we haven't had the great push yet, have we?

That was part of the great push.

Oh, it's always the sponge. Oh, look at that. Done.

Oh, relief.

Stop the clock.

ALEX: I've stopped it.

Oh, well, I'll be amazed if anyone was slower than that.

Good.

What I was most delighted by is,

you've already brought the world "snucker",

you've already brought the world "jebus",

and now a new catchphrase was born.

You probably don't even remember it, but I noted it.

Bing, bong, bing. There it is.

It was the perfect attempt at the task.

She did it quickly as well, 10.15.

Wow. Wow. Oh.

Morgana, it seemed to me that you're a professional

put-things-through-a-pipe and then put-the-pipe-through-things.

I like a good prod.

There was even one point where you went "Oh, no, I've got a blockage",

and I thought "Oh, good, things have gone wrong for Morgana

"on this thing that she's clearly done before"

and you went, "It's always the sponge."

She was 12 minutes 48,

so just a couple of minutes slower than Desiree, but still speedy.

By great contrast... Hmm.

..Alan very slowly put all of the things at once into a pipe

and then made multiple references to the great push.

Every time you said it, I thought of, of the Great Leap Forward

where communism was introduced across China. Famously.

And resulted, famously, in millions and millions of deaths.

But I was listening to Wet Wet Wet.

Well, also, before that you were meant to get the pipe

through the box and everything in it. Yeah.

He just put everything in the box

and then just put the pipe through the box. Right.

So he didn't really do the things we wanted him to do.

So the great push is one of the most incompetent movements.

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Alex, there's only one part left now. Who do you think's gonna win?

Well, with the fans we have, Greg,

there's really only ever one winner. Us.

Hello, welcome back to the final part of the show.

Soon, someone will win big

and by big, I mean a Wet Wet Wet album.

But not yet. Nowhere near it. There are still two people left

trying to get the pipe through the box and everything in it,

then the box and everything in it through the pipe,

or the box and everything in it through the pipe,

then the pipe through the box and everything in it.

Here's the last two, Victoria and Guz.

Wait, the box and everything in it through the pipe.

That's got to happen first. Oh. Let me look for a stick.

What's this?

OK.

It's too short.

I'm very resourceful when I'm allowed to leave the table,

am I allowed to leave the table?

All the information's on the task. Back in a minute. OK.

Wooden cutlery is what you have in this place.

Right.

Of course, this is not gonna go because the stick's too short.

Found a spear, brother. Found a spear.

Huh!

Come out, you little shit.

Have you finished? Yeah.

Yeah, I've... "And then get the pipe through the box."

OK, I've got a longer stick, a tape measure

and a snack to reward myself in case I get it right.

Right. I'm gonna use the orange for leverage.

Come on! There we go.

Lovely.

There.

I want to confidently say I completed my task.

But I'm not confident about it.

Uh, and now it's gotta go through everything.

This is just for safe purposes.

I think technically, I've finished now.

Shall I stop the clock? Please, yeah.

Are you finding this erotic?

Yes.

Pants.

OK. Done.

No, box! No.

Oh, I've started the clock again.

I've stopped the clock again. Bye, Guz.

There. Done.

Stop the clock? Yes.

Wow.

I don't think Guz ever knew

if he had completed the task or not.

It never matters with Guz, though,

because the flair of the man

suggests it's all gone perfectly to plan.

And the audacity of the,

I'm gonna call it the bazooka move,

that you introduced halfway through was absolutely poetry.

Yeah. You know, on a drive home,

the wording for this task kept going through my head.

And I don't know how you feel, Victoria,

but I felt like I needed some kind of assessment.

I was on the phone to old colleagues like,

"Yo, man, I've got something wrong with me,

"can you send me for an assessment?"

And they were like, "You got plenty wrong with you, mate."

It was a really stressful time for me.

The show's really messed with my life. I just wanted to say. Yeah.

Victoria.

What?

I thought it was excellent.

All right, I have got a couple of questions.

Why did you attach a small fork to the end of the pokey stick?

Because the stick was too short

to push the things through the pipe, so it needed an extension.

And she did use it to slice up the sponge as well.

Yes, I sliced up the sponge. So very resourceful. Yes.

So she used the tools.

She used her little wooden fork.

She popped it on the end

and most delightfully of all,

she brought herself a snack to reward herself with afterwards.

It's often like watching a Famous Five story with Victoria, I find.

Well done. Have you put a rat in my dressing room?

What about some timings?

Yeah, well, Guz and Alan don't get any points.

Victoria gets three for her 19 minutes, 16 seconds.

Morgana four, 12 minutes 48

but five points to Desiree, with ten minutes 15!

There it is. Well done, mate.

Let's have a quick look at the scores.

In this episode, Victoria's still got a chance of winning.

She's on 13, but Desiree's out in front with 17 points. OK.

All right, it's time for you all to head to the stage, please,

for the final task of the show.

Hello, one and all. And hello you.

Would you like Victoria Coren Mitchell to read the task?

Perfect.

"Each person must direct their fellow contestants to draw an image.

"The drawing director may only use the following words -

"line, circle, square, big, small, up,

"down, left, right, middle, please, bendy."

At the end of one minute,

the drawers must write down what they think the image is.

The drawers will receive one point per correct guess.

The drawing director will also receive one point per correct guess.

Most points overall wins.

In each of your folders, you will find an image.

That's what you're going to be directing the others to draw.

You're not allowed any acting

or miming or saying any other words or noises.

OK, so Alan, please look inside your folder.

Mm-hmm.

Your minute to direct the other drawers starts...

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Line. Bendy.

Line, bendy.

Left, up.

No actions, please, Alan.

MORGANA LAUGHS

Middle, line.

You're still doing the actions.

Bendy up left, up right.

Bendy up left.

Bendy up right.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Desiree, please show Greg.

Uh, what I think I've drawn is the, uh, sweaty right boob.

A sweaty right boob.

Very specific.

Guz, what did Alan tell you to draw?

Part of a colon. Well, that's what I think.

Morgana, what did Alan tell you to draw?

I've gone for a cheeky vase.

Beautiful vase. And then finally, Victoria.

I've got a witch's nose and teeth.

A lovely witch's...!

Alan, do you want to reveal your picture? Oh, a banan... Oh.

It was a banana.

What a colossal failure.

Yes, it's not easy, this.

You're not going to get any points

for hilarious things about body parts.

Desiree, your minute starts...

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Left line. Uh, down line.

Right line.

Middle line.

Down bendy circle.

Ah, the classic.

Middle square, uh, right line, left line.

Right line, left line.

Uh, left square, right square.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Alan, what did Desiree want you to draw? A car. Beautiful.

Beautiful car. Guz, what did you draw?

Look, man, I dunno what's going on here.

Uh, an angry water cow.

Oh, he's so cute, though. Morgana, what did you draw?

Well, I thought it sounded like an aeroplane meal.

Like a little bit of chicken and a tiny bit of cheese, maybe,

and a bun or something. And finally... I've got a winking man.

Ooh. A winking man. Lovely winking man. It's not art nouveau.

Yeah. Oh, beautiful winking man. Desiree?

My image was in fact a castle.

Oh. That's so difficult.

That was so hard.

Guz, your minute starts...

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Let's, uh, start with a line. Just the words, please.

Huh? Just the words on the list.

Oh, you bastard. OK. Line. That's more like it.

Just down, down line.

You keep saying "just." Uh, middle.

Lovely. Bendy. Middle bendy.

Line. Circle-square.

Big, down-left-right.

While you do a circle there. Up.

Please. Down bendy right, up bendy right.

Whoo! Line, middle, bendy circle, please.

WHISTLE BLOWS

My main thing is, did you all have fun doing that? Oh! Yes.

Alan Davies, what did Guz Khan make you draw?

It's like a, one of those Henry Hoover things. Yeah.

OK. Uh, Desiree, what have you got?

I think it was the map of a mini golf course.

Right. Morgana, what have you drawn?

I think my money's on a wheelchair. And Victoria?

I've gone with fruit.

Do you want to know what I got it as? Yes, please, Greg.

I've got it as an evil clown's face.

Ooh!

You would have got a point, mate.

It's Greg Davies.

Oh. Ooh! Sick burn.

Nice diss.

Hello, Morgana. Hiya.

Your minute starts...

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Line.

Li-i-ine!

Line.

Line.

Line.

Line.

Line.

Line!

Left, down,

right, up.

Middle, please.

I think I'm done.

Alan, what have you drawn?

It's a, a fence...

..or... it's a ladder.

OK, Desiree, what have you drawn?

Uh, I've drawn a train track that ends in a brick wall.

Guz? Uh, I'm just writing messages to my friends now, so...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Victoria?

I've got Lisa Simpson. Ah. Wowee.

And they were supposed to draw...?

It's actually a harp, guys.

Alan's was nearly a harp, in a way.

It's no closer to a harp

than "Big up Cov & West Midlands Mandem".

Victoria, you have one minute.

Middle big circle. Lovely.

Left, up line left.

Line left.

Left, line left, line left.

Very calm. Right, line right,

line right, line right, line right.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Alan, what did Victoria make you draw?

I added the face. Yeah. It's a spider.

OK, what have you drawn, Desiree?

I can only guess it is a close-up of a cat nose.

Both quite similar. Guz, what have you drawn?

I think Vic was describing

shitty Saj from earlier on in that anecdote

and the thing I remember about Saj

when he shit himself on the log flume, he was smiling.

Might have been a grimace.

Morgana, what have you drawn?

I think it's a shark with a massive ball sack.

LAUGHTER

Victoria? You were supposed to draw...

..A spider! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

MORGANA: Alan, Alan, Alan! Wow.

One point to Alan and one point to Victoria.

Wow. Well done, Alan.

Which means that they come joint first in the task.

Hey, come down, we'll add that to the final scores.

Come on.

Thanks, Greg. Thank you.

Well, obviously Victoria and Alan were so much better at drawing

and directing the drawing than anyone else.

They won the task, they get five points each.

No one else gets any points cos they didn't do anything right.

But that was so sick. Yeah! Wow.

It means it's the closest series in Taskmaster history.

Three of them are on 110 points -

that's Desiree, Guz and Alan. Victoria's on 91

and Morgana's on 113, just three points away from the others.

However, thanks to those five points,

this episode was won by Victoria Coren Mitchell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Victoria Coren Mitchell wins.

Please go silly for your thin things!

So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt if you ever find yourself stateside in LA,

you should make an effort by learning a few colloquialisms.

Why not walk into a bar and shout,

"Jebus, guys, anyone fancy a game of snucker

"and a few jars of bing bong bing?"

Goodbye, my friends, see you very soon.

For now, here's tonight's winner once more, Victoria Coren Mitchell!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media