Original subtitles

Attention!

A Company, right turn!

By the left, quick march!

Walk fast!

It's impossible, I tell you. Absolutely impossible.

A brigade of guards?

I can't spare a single National Serviceman.

You've only to look at the map.

The British Army is stretched to its limits, sir.

And now you have the brass neck to ask me

to send a brigade of guards to... to...

Darawa, General. Darawa.

Never heard of it. Nevertheless, the British resident there,

Sir Redvers Wilkins, has signalled most urgently requesting

these troops to maintain order in the protectorate.

And it is the minister's wish that we comply.

The minister!

Oh, all right.

This looks like your pigeon, Danvers.

Find the minister some troops. Some troops, sir.

Where do I take them from? Take them from anywhere.

Anywhere. Scrape the bottom of the barrel if you have to,

but find some troops and ship them out.

All right, sir, bottom of the barrel it is.

Now look, Ursula,

will you please...

It does... I'm...

Ursula! Ursula, look, as senior officer in this district,

it is my duty to judge the Ipswich beauty contest on Saturday.

It's my wife. She's on about the beauty contest.

Now look, Urs...

Get...

Ursula! Ursula, the Sergeant Major's here and we've got work to do.

What's that?

Oh. Oh, yes. I'll ask him.

My wife wants to know whether you and Elsie will join our party

at the dance on Saturday night?

That's very nice of Mrs Upshot-Bagley, sir,

I'm sure my lady wife and I would be very pleased to be at the party

on Saturday night, sir. We'd consider it a privilege, sir.

We would indeed. And furthermore... He said yes. Goodbye.

Between the two of you. Well, now, to work.

Now what did you want to see me about? The signal from GHQ, sir.

The signal. The signal, yes.

That is the signal in your hand, sir. Oh, is it?

Well, that just goes to show what good an efficient organisation

can achieve with the minimum of fuss and bother. Yes, sir.

Great Scott, I've been posted.

"Request overseas posting effective immediately,

Officer Commanding Upshot-Bagley, C Major."

Bad luck, sir. Bad luck?

It's more than that. It's a valid tragedy.

I...

What am I gonna do about Cynthia?

I thought Mrs Upshot-Bagley's name was Ursula?

I am referring to my prize pig, Cynthia.

My wife's another matter entirely.

Don't you see, there's nobody around who knows how

to scrub her down properly. She could always stay with her mother.

I am still referring to Cynthia.

Yes, sir. Of course, sir.

A disaster is what it is.

Disaster.

Well, read on, Sargeant Major. Who else are they after?

Me, sir. Oh.

Oh, bad luck. Here, you'd better join me.

Thank you very much. That's very kind of you, sir.

Not at all, not at all. In moments of crisis, you know?

There. Cheers.

Cheers.

Ah. Ah, that's better.

Yeah, the shock's passing. Read on, Sergeant Major. Who else?

"One other NCO and four men."

You'd better look for volunteers, not that you're

likely to find any. One other NCO and four men.

Dash, if I go myself I could think of something.

As a matter of fact, sir, I think I've got just the men for the job.

Volunteers? Oh, yes. They'll be volunteers all right.

They don't know it yet but they will be.

Slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.

Now, have you got it? Yes.

What is it then? Slow, slow...

Give us a clue. How about that?

Quick, quick, slow. Right. Now you lead.

Slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.

Ooh! Ooh! My foot. Did a tread on your foot?

You clumsy great clot, you've ruined me for the dance.

My reversing foot an' all. Come on.

Slow, slow...

My game I believe. How is it you always manage to win?

Easy. I cheat.

Hey, Spring, how about the escort for the beauty queen on Saturday?

I hear Potty's calling for volunteers.

That's what I'm worried about, mate.

It's against my principles to volunteer.

It wouldn't hurt just this once, Spring.

Son, when I first joined, my dear old man give me the benefit of

the rich storehouse of his experience

built by four years of dodging the column in World War One.

"Son," he said to me, "there are only two things

you've got to remember in the Army. Always draw two more blankets

than they issue and never, never volunteer for nothing."

Excuse me, Spring. Can I ask you a question, please?

Yeah, what is it, son? What you wanna know then?

Well, it's about the dance on Saturday.

It's not the dancing I'm worried about.

It's the asking.

Whenever I ask a girl to dance I never seem to get the right answer.

Why, it's simple, son.

When you ask a bird to dance, if she says yes, you dance.

If she says no, you don't. When I ask a girl to dance,

she don't say yes and she don't say no.

What does she say?

Drop dead.

It seems to me, Popeye, that you're using

the wrong approach. Now tell me.

What do you actually say when you ask a girl to dance?

Oh, the usual thing.

Watcha, doll face, how about lending me your frame for the struggle?

Cor blimey, where did you learn that?

I seen it in a picture. It worked in the picture.

Yeah, well, it won't work down here at the Corn Exchange.

Here, I'll show you, son.

Imagine Cup here's the bint, see?

Well, I walk up to them like this here. Confident, see?

Like I'm not expecting to be fluffed, see?

Hi.

Cor, you little darling. Don't let's waste this smashing music.

Lets you and me carve ourselves a piece of floor.

Yeah, I like that.

Cor, you little darling.

Don't let's waste this smashing music.

Lets you and me carve ourselves a piece of floor.

You do and I'll have you on a charge for wilful damage.

Shun! What's that you're wearing, Popplewell? A ruddy bikini?

Get it covered up! And stand to attention.

Now get that covered up!

All right, stand easy, you lot. This is a friendly visit.

I suppose you're all getting worked up about the dance on Saturday.

That's about the strength of it, sir.

Oh, yes, I'm all worked up, sir. Oh? Yes.

What about the guard of honour for the girl that wins, eh, sir?

You ain't got the volunteers yet, have you, sir? Hey, sir?

Funny you should say that, Bisley. I was just on my way to the NAFFI

to get this here form pinned up on the notice board.

First five to sign where indicated will be the lucky lads.

Sir, it might save a long walk back to the NAFFI if... If what?

If we were all to volunteer. Wait a bit, wait a bit.

Remember what I told you. Never volunteer for nothing.

I'll volunteer, sir. Good lad.

Me an' all, sir. Yeah, me too.

Have you gone potty? All right, sign your names.

What's the matter with you lot? That's it.

Write your names.

And you, Popplewell. That's right.

I'm surprised at you.

What's the matter, Corporal, holding out for better terms?

Yeah, come on, give us it.

At the bottom there.

My poor old dad would turn in his cell, I'll tell ya.

Thank you.

What did I tell ya? What did I tell ya?

Never volunteer for nothing.

Here, this is a big beach, innit?

Beach? Beach? You dozy apeth. It's the desert.

Oh.

Are we there, Sergeant Major? Not yet, sir.

Another 50 miles of this, I reckon. Ah.

Well, give me a nudge when we get there, will you?

I will, sir.

Do hurry up now. Time is pressing

and this is a most important occasion.

Come along, man. Come along.

Don't you know how to do up a tunic? Oh, you've done it wrong.

Leave it alone, I'll do it myself.

I should've thought it's a perfectly simple thing to do up a tunic.

Oh, blast the thing.

We've had a signal, Your Excellency. The troops will be here any moment.

Oh, good gracious, and look at me. Salaman, my dear fellow,

I wonder if you'd mind. My hat, it's on top of the wardrobe.

My sword. Where's my sword?

You know this is a most historic occasion, Salaman.

This is the first time the British troops have set foot in Darawan

since 1886.

We shall be very happy to welcome them, Your Excellency. Yes, yes,

of course. Ah, thank you, my dear fellow.

Now, Salaman, have the troops paraded in the square.

I'll review them as soon as I've informed the King of their arrival.

It shall be done, Your Excellency.

I haven't reviewed troops for years.

I hope I haven't forgotten the drill.

Oh, yes, of course. Talk to the men, that's the thing.

Make them feel at home.

Medals, that's always a good thing.

Ah, my good man,

that's an interesting medal. The DCM, of course.

And you, my good fellow,

that's the Mons Star, isn't it?

Yes.

And... Oh, Salaman.

Your car's waiting, Your Excellency. Yes, of course. We must go.

Darn this wretched sword.

Well, Your Majesty, every survey I've done shows, without a doubt,

that this is a rich soil-bearing country.

If we haven't found it, it's because

we're not drilling in the right places.

Look, Ferrers, I'm not saying it's not so.

I'm an oil man, and my job is to find oil.

I've drilled so many holes around here, this desert is beginning

to look like a pinball machine.

Nevertheless, Mr Olding, you agreed to drill just once more

in the new spot chosen by Mr Ferrers.

Okay. One more try.

And then, if there's no oil, I quit.

His Excellency Sir Redvers Wilkins.

Your Majesty. Greetings.

It is of great pleasure, Your Majesty, that I report the arrival

of the British Forces.

Their arrival is timely, Your Excellency.

Our friend Mr Ferrers here assures me that their latest drilling

will yield oil. We hope.

I have every confidence. But when it does,

I fear it will be the signal for my brother, Mahmoud,

to start a revolution. Oh, I should just like to see him try.

Have you ever seen the guards in action, sir?

I've known a German Panzer division to tremble at the thought of

meeting them in the field. And now, if Your Majesty will excuse me,

I must go and receive them myself.

By Jove, I'm trembling too.

At ease!

Good Lord!

Look right!

Who's the fella with the feather in his tipper? Quiet in the ranks.

Is that all? Well, no, sir, not if you'd like some more.

We could do a spot of colour marching, bayonet fixing,

running on the spot, stuff like that, sir.

No. I mean is that all the troops? Oh?

Oh, yes, sir. At least I think so. Excuse me, sir.

Yes, sir, that's us, sir. All present and correct, sir.

Good gracious, what on earth am I going to say to the King?

Well, I suppose I'd better review them.

Oh, yes, sir, by all means.

Ah, the Canada Star, isn't it?

No, sir. Merseyside jive marathon, 1955.

Oh. Take that medal. Sir!

Oh, you're a tall chap.

Are all the members of your family as tall as you?

No, sir. My brother is only 3'6".

Only 3'6", eh? Too small for the Army, what?

Too young and all. He's only four.

Oh, I see.

Have...

I say, those aren't the correct footwear, are they?

Oh, no, sir.

You see, I'm excused boots on account of my feet.

A bit on the ribby side, sir.

I've got a chit here for them, sir.

It was signed by the CO of the first camp I was ever in.

Ah, he wasn't half a nice chap. Colonel Spenting.

He went a bit potty though. That's enough, Bisley!

I was just telling him about... I said that's enough!

Major, I'd like to have a word with you in my quarters.

Certainly, sir. By the way, sir, you wouldn't have something tucked away

in your quarters suitable for a thirsty man, sir?

I would, Major, and, quite frankly, I'll join you.

I've never felt more like a drink in my life. Oh, sir. Come along.

Jolly good.

Here, sir, can we dismiss now? This sun's murder.

We shall dismiss when the officer in command gives the order

to dismiss - and not before. Oh, do you mind?

My current bun's melting me.

Sir. If any of you lot move so much as a little finger,

you'll be on a charge for the rest of your natural.

Do I make myself clear? Right!

Now we're here to show this lot what the British Army's made of,

and make sure that we will. Now then.

Soda, Major? Well, if you insist, sir.

Just a spot, what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't want to drown it, do we?

Thank you, sir.

Ah, corn in Egypt. Well, down the hatch, sir.

Oh, by George, that hit the spot and no mistake.

To your good health. Thank you very much, sir.

Very decent of you. Cheers.

Ah.

Export. Major, I don't quite know how to put this,

but the fact is, well,

your squad is not quite what we were expecting.

Don't tell me they didn't let you know we were coming.

I say, isn't that typical? Excuse me. Yes, we knew you were coming,

or rather we knew somebody was coming,

but, well, we rather hoped you'd be a brigade of guards.

Oh, come now, really, I say. Do we look like a brigade of guards?

To be perfectly honest, Major,

no, you don't. Well, then.

The point I'm trying to make, Major, is the job we have in mind

is perhaps more suitable to a brigade of guards.

Oh, come now, sir, really.

My chaps may not be very fancy but they're very keen.

And very keen...

How are they at fighting? Fighting?

They fight all the time. As a matter of fact,

there was a little dust-up in the village just before we left.

Something to do with a WAAF corporal I think it was.

I'm talking about fighting. With guns. Oh, sir.

I'd appreciate...

Guns? Guns.

Good gracious. Excuse me.

Major, have you any idea why you were sent here?

Very little I'm afraid, sir. You know the Army.

Ours not to... How does it go?

..reason why, ours but to do.

Now look here, Major, I think I'd better put you in the picture.

Darawa, as you know, is a British protectorate.

We have vital commitments here.

Popplewell! Where are you going?

To get a drink of water, sir.

Get back in the ranks!

Just you wait, Potty Chambers. We'll make you sweat for this.

Oh dear.

I think I'm going to have one of my dizzy spells.

And to make matters worse, I've convinced the King that

his brother won't dare attack now that the British troops are here.

Well, I don't think things are as bad as all that, sir.

I don't think I'm pitching it too strong when I say my chaps are

perfectly capable of looking after a couple of handfuls of Fuzzy-Wuzzies,

or whatever they are. Prince Mahmoud, Major,

has 2,000 tribesmen. All armed to the teeth.

2,000? 2,000.

To the teeth?

To the teeth.

Good Lord.

Getting a bit cooler now, don't you think, sir?

Oh, yes, we've got to show the population what we're made of.

Course he's right. The Sergeant Major's always right.

We're gonna stay here until we fry, ain't we, sir?

My sergeant major's one of the coolest men you ever met.

Huh.

Aw! Oh!

Mr Chambers!

Sir!

Highness. Speak, Azim.

I bring news of the arrival of the British Forces.

So, how many? Seven.

Seven divisions? No, no. Seven men, Highness.

Two motors, seven men.

That is all.

You are lying. You have not kept watch.

You've been in the bazaar stuffing your fat carcass with sweetmeats.

It's not true, Highness. We watched day and night.

Six men and one officer, that is all that came across the desert

from the sea.

My poor brother.

To have such faith and be so deceived.

So be it.

And the British soldiers, Highness?

Kill them of course. Yes.

Cor blimey. They worked one on us here.

Here, son, dump mine here. That kit will do me.

Gracious. Wuthering Heights.

Yes, what's all this? It ain't the bridal suite, that's a certainty.

I like it. It's homely. It's what?

Homely? What sort of a home do you come from, then?

This place is a dump. That's what my home is, a dump.

Hey, fellas, get a hold of this. Victorian pinups.

Of course they are. Don't you see, this place hasn't been occupied

by British troops since 1892.

You can say that again. It's enough to put you off sleeping for life.

Here, Spring?

Yes?

No. Sir?

What's this thing?

Oh, that's your mosquito net. How ridiculous.

You'd never catch a mosquito in this. There's no handle.

Popplewell, you put it across your bed to keep the mosquitos out. Oh.

This must be your instruction book. Yes, it is.

Now,

I'll read them and you do them.

Right? Right.

Here we are.

"Mosquito nets. The putting up of.

First, lay out across the bed.

Make sure the bottom touches the ground on all sides."

Eh?

Popplewell, one of these days I shall forget myself.

Oh, hear what it says in this guide book.

"The social importance of the male is determined by the number of his

wives. For example, a merchant, according to his wealth,

may possess anything from ten to 30 wives,

whereas the average peasant may have only three."

A right merchant. A poor peasant's life can hardly be worth living.

Listen to this. "Naturally, the king has the most wives of all.

By tradition, he has 365."

365?

Bad luck about leap year.

"Now attach centre of neck to ceiling hook provided."

That's it, get up.

Where? Now move back a little. Where?

Just a little bit. No, no, further.

Now put your hand up.

Hand up, that's it. It's right over your head there.

Put your hand up higher. I can't see with the net. Higher, look.

Psst. Hey, come here. Come here.

Hello. We've got company.

Who are you then? Azim. Occupation guide.

Also general merchandise and odd job man, sir.

Are you sure you picked the right spot, eh?

Cop the fella.

My grandfather, sir, he served the British in 1888.

He teach me the English speaking, sir.

Long live The Albert Memorial, sir.

Aah!

Okay, okay, I tell you, sir. Now look here, Fred...

What did you say your name was?

Well, look here, Fred, you look to be the sort of kiddie

who might know where the body's buried.

The body bur... Please come again, sir.

You know what I mean. Where the action takes place.

What's on in Darawa. Leave it me, sir.

Yes, all you've got to do is meet me in the town square at ten o'clock.

Ten o'clock on the dot. Yes, sir.

Hey up, here comes Potty. Quick, scarper. Buzz off.

All right, come on, come on. Let's have you.

Stand by your beds and answer your names.

Corporal Springer. Sir.

Hatchett. Sir. Cook. Sir.

Bisley. Sir. Popplewell. Sir.

Well, well, well.

What have we hear, the Dance of the Seven Veils?

No, sir, it's me, sir. Popplewell.

Is it really?

I thought it was an exotic butterfly

about to burst out from its cocoon. Get it off!

That's easier said... Get it off!

Now listen to me, you lot, and listen carefully.

I'm on to you, see? I don't know who pulled that trick on parade

this afternoon, but mark my words, I'll get to the bottom of it,

and get this lot off, Popplewell!

Now, tomorrow morning you mount guard on the oil well,

so it's lights out at ten o'clock and no tricks, see?

Here, sir, don't we get a bit of a look at the town?

In case you haven't heard, this place is in a state of emergency.

Sir Redvers Wilkins has especially asked that all troops

be kept off the street so as not to spread alarm and despondency

in certain quarters, whatever that may mean. Anyway,

there's a nine o'clock curfew in operation,

which means anybody on the street after that hour,

be it civilian or otherwise, are for it!

And get this place cleaned up!

Now what do we do, Spring?

Well now, Cupcake, my old son, we are not the kind to let a little

thing like the nine o'clock curfew stand in the way of a bit of fun.

All correct, sir. Ah, just writing a letter to the wife.

How are your quarters? Much better now.

Oh, my quarters? Fine, sir. I'm next door to you, sir.

Good show. Well, better turn in now, Sergeant Major. Good night to you.

Good night, sir.

"The heat is appalling, the flies are merciless,

wish you were here." Hmm.

Eh.

Shh!

Right then.

Now for the bright lights.

Really? Do you have to do that? Very sorry, sir.

Right, Fred, here we are then. Ready, willing and able.

So lead us on to the fun and games, eh?

Sir, I know what type you want, sir. I take you to right place.

Not too pricy, mind. We don't want a haircut and trim.

Here, Spring, I hope we get a cuddle. Patience, son, patience.

Don't let your hot Battersea blood get the better of you.

Right, into battle. Lead on, son. Follow, sir, please.

Please.

Please, sir. Please. Please, sir.

This is it.

Dead lucky to have this friend to mark our card.

Paradise.

Well, consult Madame Zaza.

Pleased to make yourselves absolutely at home.

Here, mind your money, boys.

Ain't a non-smoker, that's a certainty.

Oh, no, sir.

Please to take a pew, sir.

Not to worry, sir. All these gentlemen are chums of mine, sir.

Officer commanding non-commissioned officer, sir. Special seat.

Here, sir. Very special seat, sir.

There we are.

And for you, sir, second-class seat, sir.

Please, please, please. Yes, yes.

Oh, yes, for you, sir, I have very special seat here.

No, no, no. Here, here, please.

Sir, this seat reserved for high brass, sir.

Yes, yes.

Here. Sit there, sir.

Good.

Well, bring on the dancing girls, Fred.

Oh, no, sir. No ladies allowed.

What?

At least it's better than staying at home watching the telly, innit?

Here, Fred. Fred? Yes.

Is it like this every night? No, not as jolly as this every night, sir.

Some nights it's a bit quiet.

We're in luck, lads. Tonight's the big night.

Ah. Ta.

Euch!

Oh, nice, innit?

Garcon. I'd like summat to eat, Fred.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. A double sausage and mash.

And some porridge, please.

And some porridge? Porridge.

Porridge, yes.

Ooh, I'm sorry, sir. The kitchen is closed.

How about a fag then? I'm dying for a snout.

Have a gasp at that, please. Please. Please, sir. Please.

Yes, sir.

Here you are, mate. It's a great little cigarette.

I'll pass.

Thank you, no. I'm trying to give it up.

This is very good tobacco.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Not exactly tobacco, sir, no.

No, it's...

It's very good all the same.

Cor, what a performer he was.

Here, Boots. What?

Give us one of your songs.

Nah, I don't like to. Go on.

It'll liven things up a bit. Nah.

Give us one of your songs.

Oh, it's... Oh, all right then.

Very fair, this boy.

Get you going a bit here, have a bit of a giggle.

Now I'm a lovely boy, I've knocked around, I've worked a trick or two

# But of all the things I've ever learned

# Is one I'll sing to you!

# If ever you should roam across the seas away from home

# Don't forget what you have left behind

# And while it's the size of London Town

# The fish and chips all golden brown

# Oh, don't forget what you have left behind

# Poor old mother at the sink

# While dear old dad's out on the drink

# But there'll be shrimps and winkles there

# For Sunday tea

# So, if ever you should roam across the seas away from home

# Don't forget what you have left behind

# All us boys around the park

# With the girls we'd have a laugh

# Don't forget what you have left behind... #

Pull yourself together. Pull yourself together.

Pull yourself together, will you?

Oh, I wanna go home.

Come on, lads, on your feet. Everybody back to the billet.

Let's have you. I want my mum.

I'll meet you back at the billet.

Go on.

You've no idea what I have to put up with.

Don't make no noise.

A right bunch you are.

A fine exhibition of morale in front of the natives, I must say.

Well, that's the last time I take you lot out of a night.

Homesick! We only just got here.

Very good for prestige when the gallant British expedition

is homesick, innit?

This was your chance for travel, excitement, adventure.

I've got a good...

Hey, somebody's dug a dirty great hole in my kitbag.

That's odd. So they have in mine.

Do you know something, fellas?

I think we've all been murdered in our beds.

The best of American luck.

Oi, how about getting us out of here, then?

Give us a chance, Boots. I'll think of something.

You better. If I was to get my throat cut here,

I shall have something to say about it, I'll tell ya.

Diabolical liberty.

Didn't wanna come here in the first place.

Sir Redvers. Yes, Your Majesty?

There appears to be only five soldiers guarding the site.

Oh, really?

Does the brigadier consider that sufficient?

The brig... Oh, well now...

Oh, yes.

Yes, I expect he doesn't want to draw attention to the presence

of troops, Your Majesty.

Perhaps he feels that, er,

well, er... Anyway, I'm sure it's all part of his plan.

Sir Redvers, I think you have been in the sun for long enough.

Perhaps we should turn back.

Yes, Your Majesty, I think perhaps we should.

Hey, Spring, there's only one way we can get out of this.

We have to tell Potty about last night.

What? And have us all put on a charge for breaking the curfew?

Use your loaf. Have you got a better idea?

As soon as we finish here, we're gonna see the Major.

What about?

Cricket bats.

Cricket bats?!

Oh.

Sir.

Sir!

Oh, Sargeant Major. I didn't hear you come in.

I was just looking over the lay of the land.

Delightful view we have from here.

What do you want to see me about? It's the men, sir.

They've put in a request to see you. Oh?

Do you know what it's all about? No, sir.

They said it was a personal matter, sir.

Very well. Wheel them in, will you? Sir!

Quick march!

Pick your feet up. Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.

Left, right! Left, right!

Halt!

Left turn!

Attention, men!

At ease. Turn eyes. Turn quickly.

All right, what can I... What can I do for you?

Well, sir, it's a bit private, if you don't mind, sir?

I think I'll go and see if there's any mail, sir.

Good idea. Carry on.

There. Now then.

We'd like to put in a request for some sports equipment.

Sports equipment. Cricket bats, football boots,

hockey sticks, all that. All that stuff.

Being as how we're all so dead keen... Dead keen.

..sir, we feel a bit frustrated, like. Sir.

Frustrated, eh? Well, it's pretty important,

the physical side of things. What can we do about it?

Well, sir, I thought if we was to send off a signal... Signal, sir.

WE could get the stuff here in a couple of...

Jiffs? Jiffs. It's a very good suggestion.

I'll get the resident secretary to shoot off a signal right away.

No need to bother him. We can use the radio transmitter.

The Prof here, Private Hatchett here is a very competent radio operator.

Well, I don't suppose it'll do any harm.

All right, chaps, you help yourselves. Carry on, Corporal.

In line!

Keep a lookout. Aye.

Here, it's a lot of fuss about cricket bats, innit?

Right, Prof, ready? Ready. Take this down and send it off.

"Situation Darawa now normal.

Continued presence of troops unnecessary.

Request immediate return." Signed Upshot-Bagley, Major.

Now you're talking.

Signed Upshot-Bagley, Major. Now I must get the call signed.

"Situation Darawa now normal..."

Cor!

..Upshot-Bagley...

That's that. Roll on that boat. Here, Popeye, what's up with you?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

I think I've seen a mirage.

Here, Boots, you take a look. I need a second opinion.

Here.

There's something wrong with your eyes.

Give us a butchers.

Cor blimey! Bints. Hundreds of them. Prof, what do you make of this lot?

Good gracious. That must be King Fazim's harem,

where he keeps his 365 wives.

The jackpot.

Quick, give us a temper.

Let the corporal have another look, will ya?

Cor, the little darlings.

Here, heads up. Here comes Potty. Oh, crikey.

Allo, allo. What's going on here?

Er, well now, we was just admiring the view, like, sir.

You know, flora and fauna.

Oh, I understand you've taken a sudden interest in the Englishman's

favourite sport. Eh?

Oh, the cricket. Yes, sir.

So until the gear arrives, I thought we'd have a little bit of PT

in the morning.

Just to keep us fit.

All right, buzz off.

Cor!

Hey, Spring, listen. I thought of a way of getting into the harem.

We'll make a balloon, fill it with hot air, and float in.

There's only one thing filled with hot air around here.

Build a balloon. Do you mind? It was only an idea.

No need to have a go at me.

Here, Spring, I've thought of a way of getting into the harem.

How, son? Why don't we make a balloon,

fill it with hot air, and float in?

What are you on about? That's the answer.

The answer to what?

I dunno. What was the question?

You've gotta hand it to him, he's daft.

I have been tricked.

But they will not escape a second time.

Be assured, Fazal, the next time I shall not fail.

I've got it!

Now then, this is us here at the starting point.

We go along here,

and if my calculations are correct we should come out somewhere in

the centre of the harem garden, that's here. Nice work, Prof.

How's the tunnel coming, Cup?

The sand's dead soft now I've got through this concrete.

All right, that's your lot. Get cracking. Right. You know the drill.

Here, keep your eyes skinned for Potty.

Here, Bootsy, play it casual, like.

Yeah, you ain't got a broom, have you? Yeah.

Popeye, son, you're next. Go on.

Hello, sir. Hello, Popplewell.

Looks like rain.

Sand.

I'm... filling up the cracks.

Just making everything nice and tidy.

I like sand.

Here, Spring, I run into Potty. But I think I fooled him.

Fooled him? In that case, we're in dead trouble. Come on, duck.

Bootsy's cape. Give me that sand.

Not down the hole.

Ow! Sorry.

Here, Boots. Right.

Four. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three...

Anything we can do for you, sir? I'm not sure yet.

Oh.

That's the reason I couldn't read it.

What are you talking about? You know you never learned to read.

Well, that's another reason.

Sir! Sir, would you model for me? It won't take a jiffy.

Oh, yes, ever so more many rows. What are you doing?

A very interesting hobby. You should've joined the Navy.

Just one thing before I go. I don't know what you lot are up to,

but let me sound a note of warning.

If it's anything to do with his nibs' lady wives,

take my advice and think again.

That there harem is out of bounds to all personnel, even officers.

Anyone caught inside or consorting outside with the goods what's inside

is for it! It's out of all British jurisdiction,

and we can't be responsible for anything that might happen to you.

So remember, look before you leap. Right, carry on!

Well, what do we do now? You heard what old Potty said.

Look before you leap.

Yeah.

Well, what do you say, Popeye? Shall we look or shall we leap?

Let's leap.

It's no use, Springer, I've had it. I can't dig anymore.

Look at all that sand.

35 bob a yard at home.

How far do you reckon we've tunnelled? Oh, about four feet.

Well, what about it, Prof?

I've just made an interesting calculation.

Given that the distance between us and our objective is,

let us say roughly, 40 yards, or 120 feet,

and given that once we start the tunnel proper it will be necessary

at every step to shore it up with timber to prevent a cave in...

Do me a favour, will ya? What are you trying to tell me?

Well, it's simply that unless my calculations are incorrect,

we should reach the harem in exactly two years, six months and four days

from now. Two years?!

Six months? Four days?

That's not very long.

What are you talking about?

Here, Spring, two years? That's no good to me.

Here, but Boots, just think where we'll be two years from now.

I'll be too old to care. Yeah, I'll never get my cuddle.

Popeye, look what you've done. It's only a sandcastle. Calm down.

No, the floor!

There's a stairs going down.

Come back.

Cor.

"The tunnel of love.

This tunnel was built by the boys of the 55th Queen's Own Dragoons,

1886 to 1892.

We leave it now, a monument of British pluck and ingenuity,

in your tender care. Leave it as you would wish to find it.

And the best of luck to you all. Cheerio, pip-pip,

and God bless Queen Victoria.

Signed Ginger Perkins, Chief Engineer."

The tunnel of love.

It can't be bad.

What are we waiting for? Let's get the place cleaned up.

Yeah. The tunnel of love.

Come on then.

This is no time for sentiment, son. Sorry.

Best keep the flag. Here you are then.

Go on. You go.

Go on.

Cor!

They don't build them like this today.

I wonder if I'll get my cuddle?

Hello.

"SC loves Deena. 1891."

"Fawsia is my darling. Ginger Perkins, 1892."

In that case, I'll get my cuddle.

"Beware of Sheba. Cpl Ellis, RAMC."

I say, what's going on?

A noise downstairs. I think we'd better investigate.

I suppose we'd better.

Well, after you, Sergeant Major. After you, sir. Oh. Oh, well.

Spread out!

Well, it seems quiet enough now, Sgt Major.

It's a pity to disturb them. I think we should go in, sir.

Oh, do you? Oh, yes. Perhaps we ought. Right.

Hyah!

Well, boys, this is it.

Come on.

Cor...

Cor!

All right, all right.

Don't do your little nuts, girls. We won't harm you.

We're the Army. Anybody here from Liverpool?

Well, there's only one thing for it, Sgt Major,

we'll have to call out the troops. Oh, I forgot, we are the troops.

Oh, those poor blokes.

Kidnapped by those ruffians. Heaven knows what'll happen to them.

Something unspeakable, no doubt.

Poor blighters.

They just seemed to vanish into the night, sir. When I got out there,

I couldn't see a blind thing. Sorry, I did my best, sir.

It's not your fault, Sgt Major. It's mine.

I should've had the guts to tell them what they were up against.

I'll never forgive myself for that. It wasn't a bad lot, I suppose.

They needed chasing about a bit, that's all.

I say one thing, sir. I wouldn't be in their boots tonight for anything.

Oh, more. More, more.

Oh.

This is better than a punch up the throat, innit?

Oh.

This place'd make a smashing holiday camp.

"Here with a loaf of bread beneath the bough,

a flask of wine, a book of verse,

and thou beside me, singing in the wilderness,

and wilderness is paradise."

Beneath this hard exterior beats the heart of a sincere boy.

Hello.

That's a very fair bit of tomfoolery.

I'm in love.

Beneath this hard exterior beats the heart of a sincere boy.

All right, don't fight. There's one for each and every one of you.

Here, Spring, get a load of that. A redhead.

Ginger Perkins.

Do you come here often?

# You're here and I'm here

# But we're only passing the time here

# Alone

# Together

# Are we

# And that's just as lonely

# As people can be

# Marriage

# Arrangers

# Would take us for two perfect strangers

# Alone

# Together

# We're two

# We're two little dreamers with a dream that won't come true

# Time is flying

# While we sit here sighing

# There's more empty space between us

# Than separates Mars from Venus

# If I got bolder

# And nestled my head on your shoulder

# Would you

# Just show me the door?

# Or would I be welcome

# In the arms that I adore?

# Alone

# Together

# No more... #

We'd better get back. The others might start to talk.

It's the law. Come on.

Here!

Absconding from their quarters in contravention of the curfew

that is now enforced in the area, and misusing government property

to cover with quantities of sand. Sir!

And to think the Sargeant Major and I wasted a lot of sympathy on you.

All right, has anybody got anything to say?

Go on, speak up, somebody!

Well, sir, we just popped out for a spot of air, sir.

You've no idea how stuffy them rooms get, sir.

And all the men huddled in there, well, it gets a bit naughty.

All right, all right. Under the circumstances,

perhaps it's just as well.

Anyhow, I doubt whether we'll be here more than a couple of days now.

What? D'you mean we're going home? Yes, looks like it.

Yes, I had a word with Sir Redvers.

He tells me they've drawn a complete blank on this oil caper.

So there's not going to be any trouble here after all.

How's that for good news, what? Smashing.

OK, cut the engine.

Just like I thought. No oil.

Another hole in the ground. All right, Don, you win.

But I still say there is oil in this region somewhere.

Well, cheer up.

We'll rent it to somebody for an oversized golf club.

Come on, fellas.

Well, that's the gear, isn't it? Just got ourselves nicely fixed up

with all the home comforts and they go and ship us out of here.

Isn't there a way we can make them keep us here?

Well, you heard what the Major said. No oil, no troops.

And there's no oil.

If they can't find oil, we'll have to find some for them, won't we?

What are you drooling about?

Popeye, bung us that drum of diesel oil by the generator.

Look sharp, son.

That's right, son, bung it down the hole.

Oil, Highness, they have struck oil!

Pass the word! The oil has come to strike!

So I'm afraid, Your Majesty, there's nothing left for us to do

but to pack up and go home. I'm deeply sorry.

You did your best, and I thank you for it.

We're a poor country and the oil would've been

a great blessing to my people. But if it's not to be...

What was that?

It sounded like gunfire, Your Majesty. Come.

Greetings, brother. My apologies for arriving unannounced.

It was thoughtless of me.

Prince Mahmoud, as Her Britannic Majesty's representative,

I demand an explanation for this extraordinary behaviour.

My dear Sir Redvers,

as Her Britannic Majesty's representative,

surely you recognise a coup d'etat when you see one?

You mean... I mean that Darawa has a new king.

Be kind enough to consider yourself and your friends my prisoners.

Aren't you forgetting something, Mahmoud?

I have a brigade of guards at my disposal.

They will wipe out your miserable rabble in an hour.

My poor brother,

you have been cruelly deceived.

Sir Redvers, there is a brigade of guards, is there not?

Yes, Your Majesty. Well...

that is, not exactly a brigade, Your Majesty, but the fact is...

Bring in the brigade of guards.

Oi, careful.

I resign.

So you see, brother,

there is nothing to stand between me and the throne.

And of course the oil, which these gentlemen so kindly found for me.

Oil? But we've not found any oil.

Really, gentlemen, you must think me a fool.

My men brought me news of success the moment it happened.

You're crazy. There just isn't any oil.

Don't lie to me. I saw it with my own eyes!

Come. We will settle this once and for all.

These men will come with me to the oil well.

The rest will remain here.

I will decide their fate when I return.

If only we could get to the fort, Your Majesty,

we could hold out there for weeks. Impossible.

My brother is no fool.

By now, the whole palace will be completely surrounded.

Where does this lead to, sir? That is my private entrance to the harem.

Here, Spring, it's the tunnel of love.

Four rebel guards. That's a bit dodgy.

Cor blimey.

Come here, fellas. I've got it.

Here.

Cor, you've got to hand it to old Spring.

He gets some smashing idea...

Who, me?

Diesel oil.

Right, now then.

Give us your head, son. Let's have a look at you.

Yeah.

How do you reckon him? Looks like a right fool.

I feel like one an' all. Right, lovely, into the harem. Come on.

What do you call these? Boots. Well, take them off.

Here, hold these for us.

Well, this is it, son. Good luck.

And try and look passionate, will ya?

Well, he was the biggest.

Psst.

Psst!

Wait.

By Jove, that's a splendid sight, eh, Sargeant Major. Yes, sir.

A very splendid sight. Picturesque.

Hello. It seems they're coming this way. Yes, they do, sir.

What do you think they are, Sergeant Major? Friends or the other thing?

The other thing, sir. You're right, Sergeant Major.

What do you suggest we do? I'd suggest we lock and bolt

those four gates before they get here. A very sound scheme. Come on,

follow me.

Ah, good man, Salaman. You're getting the gates closed.

Come on, Sergeant Major, go ahead with it.

All secure, sir. That's good.

Good show, nice work. Up top, everyone.

That fool Salaman. His orders were to open the gates for us.

Now we shall have to rush them. Come on.

All right, Sergeant Major, here they come.

Well, ah-ha, that moved them on a bit sharpish, eh, Sergeant Major?

By the way, small point really. Didn't we have some troops?

We did, but I think we're safer without them. Quite agree, yes.

Wow!

Two.

Four. That's the lot.

Come on, lads, you're in for a bit of a surprise here.

Good boy. Well done.

All right, girls, get ready. Right, follow me.

Come on. Little darlings, come on.

Right, come on.

Down there.

Come on, come on. Come on, come on.

Redvers, Your Majesty, come to join in the fun, eh?

Keep a sharp lookout for Meadows.

We've brought you some reinforcements.

They're getting rifles and ammunition from the Army.

Ah, here they come.

Come on, darlings. Corporal Springer reporting with reinforcements, sir.

Carry on, Corporal. Sir!

Popplewell, come here! Sir.

You're on a charge. What for?

For being improperly dressed. Well, would you believe it?

People get a medal for doing what I've just done.

Me, I just get told off, get put on a charge.

I think it's a diabolical liberty.

Have you finished? Yes, sir. Get on that wall over there!

Lads!

If the gates hold, Your Majesty, we stand a fighting chance.

Aaaagh!

Oi!

You forgot this.

Aaargh!

The gates, Major!

Crikey!

Everybody down!

Salaman's done it. He's blown the gates.

Now, my children, charge!

What's that?

It feels like an earthquake, Your Majesty.

It's oil, it's oil!

Oil!

Oil! We're rich, old boy! We're rich!

Your Majesty, I do beg your pardon.

Company, halt!

My dear British soldiers,

it has been my wish to find some way in which I can thank you

for the services you have rendered to the protectorate of Darawa.

I therefore bestow upon you, for all time,

the freedom of my country.

Go where you will.

Do exactly what pleases you.

And so that your days may be pleasant

and your nights contented,

I am giving you one-tenth of my oil royalties

for as long as you care to stay here.

Cor, that'll bring in the wages. Boys, we're rich.

I say, Your Majesty, crikey.

On behalf of the men, Your Majesty, I would like to express

our appreciation of your kind and generous action.

And furthermore, my lady wife and I... Company, about turn!

Quick march!

Right turn!

Right, right!

Great Lord, sir, permission to speak to my master.

Excuse me, Your Majesty, my new secretary.

Special message, sir, just received on the Fred Marconi type wireless.

Thank you.

It's for the Major. Your Majesty, will you excuse me for a moment?

Major! Major!

Major!

Ten percent. It'll be like having the treble chance every weekend.

Major, this is for you.

Oh, thank you, sir. Sir.

Well, what's all this about, I wonder?

"Your request immediate return now has been granted,

leave for port of embarkation immediately."

I didn't request immediate return. Did you?

No, I didn't, sir.

All right, I want beds made up,

kits packed and stowed, ready to leave in ten minutes.

Dear, oh dear. What have I done? What have I done!

Oi, cricket bats, wasn't it, he said?

I shall never get used to being a poor private again.

Ah, well, back to dear old England and the mad deity of the NAAFI.

Everybody here?

Hello. There's one missing. All right, where is he?

Popplewell!

All right, Popplewell, let's see what you've got in that bag.

Well, sir... Come on, open it up.

Well...

Are we allowed to take home any souvenirs?

You...

Well, I only asked.