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Trick or treat.

In grade school,
I knew these two

kids in my apartment building
who were born October 31.

For years, they
mistakenly believed

that dressing in
costumes and going

door-to-door begging for
candy is what every child

did on their birthday.

Billy?

It's your birthday today, too?

Huh?

No, it's April 6.

Then what are you
doing stealing our candy?

This is our special day.

Then you got people
born in late December

always griping on
how their fam fold

their birthdays into Christmas.

Is this a birthday
or Christmas present?

It's both.

You're so lucky.

You're just like the baby Jesus.

Pray me.

But let me tell
you, for Valentine

brats, those of US born February
14th, it's the absolute worst.

Birthday parties
are always themed.

The cups, tablecloth, the cake.

Happy birthday.

Oh, I so, so love it.

Better like hearts,
because every gift you get

for the rest of your life will
have a massive, ugly red one

stuck on it.

If you're a boy, you still have
to buy your sweetheart a gift.

If you're a girl, guys will
never buy you two gifts.

It's like, kill two love
birds with one stone.

I so, so love it.

When you get older, nobody
wants to celebrate with you.

They're with their
significant others,

And don't even bother making
up excuses to blow you off.

Sorry, we're all
booked up tonight.

Restaurants are the worst.

Jacking up prices for the
exclusive sweethearts menu.

And the best establishments
always way overbooked.

Psst. You two.

You talking to us?

Mm-hm.

My-- my boyfriend
broke up with me tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's OK.

You know, we weren't
right for each other,

like you two obviously are.

That's so sweet of you to say.

So I was thinking, why don't
you guys go ahead and take

our dinner reservation.

Wow.

Really?

You'd do that for us?

You have to be the
nicest person ever.

Aw, I'm just trying
to pay it forward.

So what time were you guys
thinking about eating?

8:30, I guess.

OK.

Say 50 bucks?

You know, for
the broken hearted.

Um, yeah, of course.

Enjoy your evening.

Oh.

Aw, I so, so love it.

I'm OK and I
plan on staying this way.

I'm all right.

Yeah, I'm sleeping
real good at night.

No matter what--

I know what
you're thinking.

This chick is a little
sleazy, scalping

restaurant reservations.

Yeah, maybe.

But I'm doing this for what I
think is a very noble reason.

This holiday blows major chunks.

I'm not trying to end
relationships here,

though, statistically,
tonight has the most breakups

for the entire calendar year.

I'm just trying to make my
special day a little less

special for everybody else.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

Tom and Harriet Banks

are the lucky winners
of this past weekend's

super lottery dr--

US family allowed me

to bundle for home, auto,
and life, saving up to 23%.

But more importantly,
it helps my loved

ones feel fully protected.

US Family Insurance.

That's so beautiful.

Hey, Mom.

Happy birthday, my
treasured Valentine.

How was your day?

Tell me everything.

Did you dance all day and night?

Did you howl at the moon?

Tell me you did something
very fun and romantic.

I told you at
Christmas, we broke up.

I know.

I know, but you that
was then, this is now.

Did you get my gift?

Yeah, yeah, I got
them right here.

Thanks for the diabetes.

- Honey, OK.
- No, it was that--

I know.
I'm sorry.

You know that I
hate celebrating.

I know you hate
celebrating this day.

Well, let's reframe.

It's the very best
day of the year,

because this is the day
that love is in full bloom.

And this is the day that your
father turned to me with tears

in his eyes, and he said,
this is by far the greatest,

most perfect valentine that I--

- Could ever wish for.
- Could ever wish for.

And so it is.

Did you get the card?

Because you know,
that's certainly

the best part of the gift.

OK.

Don't freak out.

Dum, dum, dum, dum.

I know.

I know you're going to think
that I went over the top

on this one, but I really--

I miss you.

I miss you, my baby.

Mom, I would love to see you.

I really would, but I
just, I can't right now.

Are you kidding?

Are you-- did you
see what it is?

It's a luxury resort.

It's right near me.

It's fun, sun, mimosas, bodies.

I mean, what more do you want?

I'm not really into the
whole pampering and massages.

Listen, it doesn't
expire for a whole year,

so just bring a friend
or bring a lover.

I'm not even dating anybody.

Remember what dad said?

There's magic in the week.

$50 won't even get
me an Uber to the airport.

Huh?

What?

Listen.

Stay open to your soul
and your soul mate.

I don't believe in soul mates.

I gotta go.

My pizza's here.
OK.

Love you.

I love you, too.
OK.

Bye.
- Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, my favorite,
my favorite valentine.

Hi, a large
pepperoni with ricotta.

Mm-hm.

Thank you.

Oh, wait, no, no, no,
come here, come here.

Last time you left
and I opened the box,

and it was filled with
pineapple and anchovies.

No way that was
a Giovinazzo's.

All right?

I would never
allow a monstrosity

like that in my restaurant
bearing my name.

Oh, an owner who delivers?

An actual commitment
to excellence.

Yeah, me and my
twin, Mickey, own it.

We-- we gave the delivery boys
the night off so they could

be with their sweethearts.

What's wrong?

Did Mickey sub ricotta
with mascarpone again?

Why is my pizza carved
into the shape of a heart?

What do you mean?

It's Valentine's Day.

So I get a
quarter of my dinner

sliced away because
today is February 14?

Sheesh, you're not a
romantic, I'm guessing.

No, no, I love romance.

I just have a long
standing hatred

for this specific holiday.

Oh, OK.

You see, it all starts off
in grade school when you have

to make these glitter-covered
shoeboxes for exchanging

stickers of cartoon
animals proclaiming

their love and devotion.

"You're foxy."

"Some bunny loves you."

"You're a whole llama fun."

Llama fun?

Received too few, and
you're marked a loser.

Too many, and your
second grade slut.

And what is with the
chocolate samplers?

It is like the candy
industry picks today

to unload all of those
disgusting chocolate truffles

with the cherry slime inside.

Like, what even is that gunk?

I think it's an enzyme.

Mid-November has the biggest
baby boom because nine months

earlier was Valentine's Day.

But do you know why hardly
anyone ever is born today?

Because 9 months earlier
was Mother's Day.

See, mothers would rather
have brunch and pass

out on mimosas than screw.

Well, not my mother,
but I digress.

And don't even get me started
on that patent heart-shaped logo

that's on everything.

Have you ever seen a real heart?

It looks more like a pink
avocado with ventricles,

not like this.

But you thought, oh,
people love an upside

down butt-shaped pizza.

How come you don't carve it into
a clover for St. Patrick's Day,

or a turkey for Thanksgiving?

Or how about a ham and pineapple
star of David for Yom Kippur?

I don't think you can
eat pork on High Holidays.

Shit.

God, dude.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.

No it's fine.

Look, pizza's on the house.

No, no, no, I couldn't.

I'm sorry, I just--

sometimes, I just
get like, worked up--

Your heart
was in the right place.

Or the wrong place.

Am I right?

No, no, no, hold on.

Let me at least
just give you a tip.

No, thanks.
You already gave me one.

Never shortchange a
woman's pepperoni.

No, no, no,
seriously, hold on.

Oh, shit.

I don't have any cash.

Look, really, it's fine.

I'm good.

Here, here, take this.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry.

You're good.

Oh, my God, yes,
1,000 times yes.

This week
on Fiance Factor, Bachelor Greg

has made his decision.

Ow.

What?

Tricia, open up.

I gotta talk to you.

Girl, ew.

I told you we'd celebrate
your birthday tomorrow.

I found this outside.

Well, don't bring it in here.

This ain't SeaWorld.
- What?

It was in the alleyway.

I don't want it to get run
over by a car or something.

What do I do with it?

Put it in the sewer
and feed it pizza.

How the hell should I know?

Can you ask Steve?

Come on.

Please.

It's so cute.

Babe, we need your
zoological expertise.

Come on now, what?

Just put on your underwear
and come out here, please.

It's an emergency.

All right.

Gina, just because you
hate Valentine's Day,

doesn't mean you have to
ruin it for everyone else.

It took me so long
to get the baby down.

And then it took me even
longer to get him riled up.

And if I give him
another Cialis,

he's going to stroke out.

I'm sorry.

This guy's not a
thoroughbred anymore, OK?

I gotta ride that old mare
straight to the finish line.

If he breaks a
joint or stumbles,

I'm going to have
to put his ass down.

That's right, she gonna
to have to put me down.

We better do something, cause
this pill about to run out.

So what's up?
- Hi, Steve.

I'm sorry to ruin your evening,
but I found this turtle outside.

That is not a turtle.

Oh, then that is
one ugly pekingese.

No, it's a tortoise.

Oh, cool.

Hey, come here, little fella.

Hey, how you doing?

Let me go ahead.

This is beautiful.

Wow.

Did you know in
some Asian cultures,

a birthday greeting from a
tortoise symbolizes good health

and longevity?

Oh.

Oh, well, you heard him,
Gina, blow out your reptile.

Well, should I call the
ASPCA, or the Wildlife Preserve?

No need to do that.

Yeah, it's a boy.

His name is Gus.

And you can call the
owner at 818-555-4321.

That's incredible.

How did you just know that?

Because it's written
right here on the belly.

Oh, I was almost
impressed with you, honey.

Why don't you take him back?

Bye, Gus.

Take care.
- Bye, Gina.

- OK.
- OK, have fun.

I'll see you later.

All right, you
better come here.

Gina?

Oh, yeah, hi.

Hi.

You got her right here.

Oh, hi.

You must be Gus's
father, Andrew?

Oh, no, we're not related.

He's just my roommate.

Or did you think my
name was Father Andrew?

If so, no, I'm not
his priest either.

Hey, you buddy, miss me?

Look what I got, your favorite.

What's the matter?

It's endive.

You love this.

Look, mm, delicious.

Mm.

I think he may be filled
up on pizza last night.

No, he's just--

he's just mad at me.

We got into a fight and
he stormed out in a huff.

What, did you leave dirty
dishes in the sink or something.

No, it was
actually over a girl.

A lover's triangle,
that old cliche.

Was she human or reptile?

Technically, human, but
pretty cold-blooded, actually.

It's my ex and Gus's
owner, she moved to Buffalo

and left us both in the lurch.

Oh, and no child
support, I'm guessing?

Again, we're just roommates.

Right.

So when did she skip town?

Over a year ago.

But every couple
months, he tries

to dig his way out of the yard
and he goes searching for her.

Aw.

That's so sad, I may cry.

Oh, yeah.

Well, tortoises
aren't like humans.

They're relentless when it comes
to love, and they never give up.

The heart wants what
the heart wants.

And clearly, this
guy is obviously

looking for a pretty girl.

Um, your reward, madam.

Thank you for taking
such good care of him.

Though quick tip, pizza's
really a turtle thing mostly of

the Teenage Mutant persuasion.

No, no, no, no, I couldn't.

He wasn't a bother at all.

Really?

OK.

Then how about letting
me buy you dinner?

Damn, you were fast.

Yeah, well, I
get that from Gus.

I'm sorry.

I didn't even ask
if you were single.

Yeah, and you
assumed because I spent

my Valentine's Day
digging through a dumpster

that I might be unattached.

It did cross my mind, yeah.

So, what do you say,
Portabello's at 8:00?

Is that some kind of scam
where you go to a pet store,

and you buy a
bunch of tortoises,

and scribble your name and
number on their bellies,

and then release them all
over town, hoping to score

some date with a
gullible animal lover?

You mean a creep?

Yeah, yeah, are you
some kind of creep?

Oh, no, no, I meant a group
of tortoises is called a creep.

As for the missing pet grift,
nah, I'm not that clever.

Nor can I afford
that much endive.

So you're not playing me?

I'm not a player,
scout's honor.

But technically, I'm
not a scout either, so.

- Nor a priest.
- No.

Mm.

OK, yeah.

Why not?

Yeah?

- I can do Portobello's tonight.
- It's a date.

It's a date.

OK, I'll see you then.

Though, if you do find an iguana
with my information on it,

I lost him when I was 10.

And yes, I did set him
free in hopes of attracting

eighth grade hotties.

I'll be on the lookout.

OK.

OK.

Bye, Gus.

We're
going to be all right.

We're going to be all
right, yeah, all right.

We're going to be all
right, yeah, all right.

Backmen,
party of two, Backmen.

Hey, let's just
take the table.

They're clearly not here.

We can save ourselves some time.

Oh, don't be silly.

That would be dishonest.

Last call for Backmen.

Should have made
a reservation.

Um, yeah.

I'm a die-hard Raiders fan.

Of the Lost Ark?

Me too.

Though, I still think
that The Last Crusade is

my favorite Indiana Jones film.

No, no, Raiders,
the football team.

Oh, right, yes, oh, yeah.

Do you know them?

Are you into sports?

Do you consider
working out a sport?

I do not.

Then, no.

OK, OK.

What do
you like on your pizza?

Oh, well, this is
a French restaurant.

I don't think they
have pizza here.

I know that.

Just, what's your
favorite pizza topping?

Oh, like in general?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, well, there is this
delicious wood-burning oven

establishment on the West Side
that has a pear, goat cheese,

arugula pizza pie
with a cauliflower

crust that is simply divine.

Pizza pie.

Your wine, sir.

Oh, great, wine.

That is something I believe
we both can share a love for.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

Fill 'er up, good sir.

Oh, a little bit-- just--

Oh, OK.

Just a normal pour for me.

Yeah, just-- and just
the regular ounces.

Thank you.

Yes.

Well, to Gus.

To Gus, yeah.

It's a slow sipper.

Can you tell like, the notes
of the butter and the--

I'm picking up alcohol.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, thank you for dinner.

You were not a creep, and in
absolutely no way a player

at all.

Appreciate that, I think.

So, we should do this again?

OK, yeah, maybe.

- OK, well, you have my number.
- Mm-hm.

And thank you again
for finding my little--

- Empty your pockets!
- Whoa, hey!

- Now!
- OK, I'm sorry.

I-- I didn't hear you.

Hey, dude, We have a
young tortoise at home

that needs his mommy and daddy.

- You think this is funny?
- No, no, no.

- Huh!
- No, no, no, sir,

- you're the boss.
- Here, take my wallet.

You can have my phone.

Take my watch.

Will you just please let
the lady keep her stuff?

And the purse.

Come on, come on,
take my pork medallions.

They're very good.

They were sauteed
with wild mushrooms

and a white wine reduction.

I don't want your
damn leftovers.

Just give me the purse.

Look--

Hey, hey, hey, wait, man.

I think that I know you.

The hell you do.

No, no, no, no,
from the sports bar

downtown at the Chargers game.

I think that we high-fived
when the Raiders won.

Actually, man, I
think that we hugged.

Which sports bar?

How do you think we're
going to do this year?

I think we're going to
go deep in the playoffs

if we can fix the secondary, but
we need a strong safety that can

punish receivers like Jack--

Tatum.

Exactly, dude, the assassin.

If that dude hit you, you
are not getting back up.

Number 32, part of the zone.

That man was the GOAT.

It is bullshit that he's
not in the Hall of Fame.

- Total bullshit.
- Bullshit.

Total bullshit.

OK, all right, yeah,
I guess you guys can go.

- Here.
- What?

But I am keeping a 20 for
myself.

Yes, yes, of course.

Sure, yeah, take as
much as you want.

Thank you.

Hey, hey, bless
you, man, seriously.

And God bless Al Davis, RIP.

Raider Nation.

Raider Nation.

Raider Nation.

What the hell?

Ah, ride or die.

Raiders for life.

Silver and black forever.

Yeah.

Those pork medallions,
can I still have them?

- Yes, please have them.
- I'm starving.

Take them.

Whoa.

That was-- are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I mean, I'm still
shaking, but wow, feeling

an adrenaline rush here.
- OK.

Woo!

Easy, cowboy.

Do you want to
call it a night?

Or maybe you can
get some dessert

and walk off all this energy?

I'm getting the sense that you
want to walk off some energy.

- Yeah.
- Ice cream?

Do you want to go get some
ice cream or something?

OK, great, great.

OK.

Let's get out of here.

OK.

Come on.

Raiders.

Raiders, man.

I mean, what luck!

He roots for your
team, and you had

a previous encounter with him.

That's incredible.

I had never seen that
guy before in my life.

No, no, no, but you had a
whole elaborate handshake,

and the Raider Nation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw a
tattoo of a shield on his neck,

and I just assumed he was
a member of Raider Nation.

So--

We degenerates, we
bleed silver and black.

Hold on a second,
you were lying?

Yes, yes, I was.

Dang.

I'm even more impressed now.

It's kind of cold tonight.

Here.

You're interesting,
a bit dangerous,

I think, but very,
very interesting.

So I scare you?

Oh, yes, very much so.

You'll call me tomorrow?

And perhaps, the
day after that--

and the one after
that, too, actually.

Let's take it
further, see what's behind it,

tell everybody what's going on.

Let's run together, cause we
are one, cause we are one,

yeah, we are one.

We're just living
our, our, our dream.

Flying into space--

Babe, your breakfast is ready.

Coffee, please.

Going to try to get in
five miles this morning.

Any interest?
- No.

Right.

Oh, farmers market
when I get back?

Well, the game is
on at 1:00, but maybe

we could go see a movie later?

Blade Runner is at the
New Art in 70 millimeter.

No, no, no more
retro '80s junk.

No, no, no, no, this
one's set in the future.

What year does it take place?

2019, damn it.

No, babe, no, if
we're going to go out,

I want to go get like, a
big, fat, greasy burger,

and go see something new.

What is this?

An early birthday
surprise, maybe.

Open it up.

You've had that on our
fridge for the last year,

so I gathered you're
really itching to go

to that swanky hotel and spa.

And it's near your
mom's place, right?

Right.

So you thought spending
vacation time with my mother

would be a nice birthday gift.

And Valentine's present.

Look, Greece is one of the most
romantic places in the world.

And don't you think
it's high time that I

met your mother in person?

I did promise that
I would go see her.

And, yeah, I haven't seen
her in, like, three years.

Yeah, we'll see ancient
ruins, beautiful beaches,

Mount Olympus.

Trust me, it is
going to be great.

Farmers market, think about it.

Let's
get it going, going.

Let's get it.

Let's get it going, going.

Let's get it.

Ugh, tofu.

Do you want a little tofu?

Gross.

I have the vacation days.

I don't know, it's
just a long-ass flight.

I wish someone would
take me to Greece.

Last vacation I went on was
a colon clinic in Phoenix.

How long have you
two been together?

It'll be our one
year anniversary.

That's like, your
longest relationship.

That's impressive,
considering you

two have absolutely
nothing in common.

Wait, I thought
you liked Andrew.

I do like him.

He's sweet, kind,
funny, doesn't think P.F

Chang's is a nice restaurant.

I love the guy.

The question is, do you?

Yeah, yeah.

OK, so we don't have the same
taste in movies or music,

and he only eats that
disgusting, organic, nutritional

crap.

But, Trish, I have been with
so many toxic, emotionally

unavailable guys
that turn out to be

bigger douchebag liars than me.

Impossible.

And what is it about me that
just attracts these losers?

Well, that's because
you an avoidant.

I knew you were listening.

I'm a what?

An avoidant.

OK, look, it's a
pattern of bad behavior

that's characterized by a person
who has a lack of intimacy,

closeness, vulnerability.

Nobody asked you.

Girl, what's wrong with you?

You almost knocked
the LEGOs on the--

No, he's right, he's right,
but Andrew's different.

He's trustworthy
and he's reliable.

He's a keeper.

And I'm turning 30 in two weeks.

So we're talking
like, marriage?

It's come up.

Well, you know, Greece is
the fifth most popular proposal

destination in the world.

I mean, right after that, you
got the-- you got Central Park,

you got the Eiffel
Tower, the Brooklyn

Bridge, and the Grand Canyon.

Could you stop mansplaining,
and get over here, and help me

put away these socks, please?

OK, I'll be over
there in a second.

He does whatever I say.

I bet you he's right, though.

He's going to propose.

No.

OK, but if he did, would
it be such a bad thing?

I mean, as long as it's
not on my actual birthday.

Right, V-day.

Yeah, oh, I shutter
at the thought

of having another milestone
on that dreadful date.

Well, you just
have to tell him.

And say what?

Please don't propose to
me on my birthday/the most

romantic day of the year?

Yeah, well, just
explain to him

that February 14th is a dark
tumor on your cold, dead heart.

You know, just do me a favor,
don't you propose to him, OK?

That's demoralizing for a man.

I'm sorry, honey, I know
you're sensitive about that.

I love you, sweetie.

I love you, too, but
that's definitely a trigger.

Don't listen to him.

He loved it.

Paradise, paradise.

The last time we were
here, the toilet overflowed,

and it just totally
ruined our luggage.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

When was your stay?

We always make note of these
types of mishaps in our system.

Oh, oh, well, I didn't--

I didn't want to
get anybody fired,

so I kept it on the down low.

Yeah, Gina is all
about being discreet.

I just want to
make sure that we're

not in the exact same room
as last time, you know,

bad memories.

Well, I have you in the room.

Although, the concierge did
say something about an upgrade

on our next visit.

Uh.

Not necessary, though.

No, no, no, not necessary.

Look, we have waterproof
luggage now, see?

And I'm sure that you
guys have steam-cleaned

the feces out of the carpet.

Um, I think, yes, I
have an available suite

on the third floor.
- Oh, great.

- Great.
- Great.

Great.

Thank you so much.
That's so kind of you.

- It's not a problem.
- Thank you.

And tell me about this
suite, does it have a view?

Babe, why don't you
go relax, and I'll

finish checking us in, OK?
- OK.

Please?
I got this.

I'll get us a good room.
- Good room, OK.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So, just the view.

And could you maybe send a
blender up by any chance?

No.

OK.

Where does it
go when the feeling's gone?

I'm back in the car
with the radio on.

Hey, hey, hey, over
here, over here, up here.

Hey, you.

Me?

Oh, my God, I didn't
expect to see you here.

How you been doing?

Um, good, I guess.

This place
is awesome, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

Yeah, I can't
thank you enough.

Let me buy you a drink
later, several drinks, huh?

OK, maybe later.

All right.

I'll see you around.

OK.

All right, we're all set.

Who was that guy?

No freaking clue.

Huh, all right.

This place is great.

Yeah, shall we?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Have a good one.

Well, we have a few hours before
we need to be at your mom's.

Want to take a nap?

What are we, senior citizens?

Oh.

Babe, do you realize you
just tipped that guy 50

euros for bringing up two bags?

What?
I did.

Yeah.

Yeah, I love you so much.

And your innocent nature is
exactly why I fell for you,

but you got to be more careful.

There are a lot of
slick con men out there.

Like earlier, that cabbie
totally would have ripped

you off had I not stepped in.

I don't know if I was being
ripped off by that cabbie.

No, he was.

And then the woman
that wiped the bird

poop off your shirt earlier,
she was a pickpocket, honey.

That's like a classic scam.

Yes.

No.

I love you so much,
but you are what they

call an extremely easy mark.

Well, maybe I'm
just not a cynic

who thinks that
everyone's out to get me

and lying to me all the time.

I mean, then again,
I've never had a problem

being a truthful person myself.

Excuse me?

I mean, like, maybe now
that you're turning 30, you

might want to try-- you might--

Hey, how about I put our
stuff away, and get you a drink,

and you can lay by the
pool and wait for me?

Does that sound good?

OK.

I love you.

Hey, hey, I
thought that was you.

Oh, you must come
here all the time.

Do you have any good
restaurant recommendations?

Oh, I think you have me
confused with somebody else.

This is actually my
first time to the island.

Oh, you don't remember me?

Johnny Giovinazzo.

Giovinazzo's Pizzeria.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're the owner, right,

you and your-- your twin?

Yeah, Mickey, yeah.

And you're the reason I'm
on this swank-ass vacation,

I mean, my first
island adventure,

except for that one time
I went to Staten Island

for my cousin's wedding.

It was all right.

The reception was beautiful.

They did the whole thing up
in, like, blue carnations

and crepe paper, had
this big chocolate

fountain in the center.

You could put a marshmallow on a
stick, dip it in the chocolate.

Hold on. I don't really care
about the wedding.

Wait, what do you mean I'm
the reason for your vacation/

Oh, your tip, the $5,000 gift
card to this amazing resort.

It was very generous.

Wait, hold on, I did what now?

Yeah, I thought it
might be a scam, like, I'd

have to sit through some
12 hour timeshare seminar,

but this place is legit.
Thank you.

I love it.

Why would I tip
$5,000 on a $20 pizza?

That's what I said.

And then Mickey thought,
maybe you work for the hotel,

and you give free stays away
all the time, and whatnot.

No no, no, that was a
birthday gift from my mom.

I thought that was
a $50 gift card.

Oh.

Oh, oh?

You're a fricking thief.
- I am not.

Look, I thought if anything,
if you'd want it back,

you would have called the shop.

You know, I waited all year.

If I didn't use it this
week, it would have expired.

Hey, Gina, they
have passion fruit.

Oh, shit.

Look, look, I'll
make it up to you.

How about free one topping pizza
for a year with drink purchase?

No, no, OK, that's
my boyfriend coming.

Please don't tell him
about our generous tip.

We just had a whole
fight about this.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

Um, so it turns out
I did know that very

loud stranger in the lobby.

He's an old pal from
the neighborhood.

Johnny Giovinazzo.
How are you doing?

Nice to meet you.

Andrew, great.

Pleased to meet you, too.

How long have you known Gina?

Gina, oh, we go way
back, like, grade school.

Whoa.

That's some history.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, it was
great to see you.

Second grade, you know,
she slips a Valentine

into my little shoebox.

It's got a cartoon llama on it.

Gina, you remember what it said?

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Come on, yeah, you do.

I don't remember
what it said, no.

It said, "Johnny, I think
you're a whole llama fun."

That's adorable.

And you guys have been
friends ever since?

Oh, yeah, real
close, real close.

Gina, how's your dad?

Still dead.

Yeah, yeah, that's
what I thought.

And your mom, is she still
getting you those pricey gift

cards for your birthday?

- Yep.
- Wow.

You remember that it's
her birthday tomorrow?

I mean, I guess it
is hard to forget,

as it is on Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day, that's right.

She hates that.

I remember this
one time-- you'll

love this story,
Andy-- she got a sheet

cake in the shape of a heart.

She was so mad, she
chucked it at the Shetland

pony her mom got her.

That is so Gina.

Oh, my God, the thing that
ate up all the frosting,

went insane from the sugar
rush, trampled a bunch of kids,

knocked over a bunch
of food, gifts,

and then it kicked a hole
right in the bounce house.

It was like a tiny
bucking bronco.

No.

That really happened?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I guess it
really happened.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

OK, Johnny, well, it
was really great seeing--

Hey, Johnny, we got
some big plans tomorrow,

but how about you have some
breakfast with the birthday girl

before we take off?

Oh, no.

You know, I can't think
of a single reason not to.

Really?
Really?

You don't see one
reason why you wouldn't?

All right, well, great.

Say, 8:00 in the dining hall?

8:00, it is.

All right, I'll catch
you later, Jyna.

That's what we called
her back in elementary.

Jyna?
You're kidding.

- OK, bye now.
- Later.

Bye, bye.

Jyna.

I like him.

Jyna.

There was exploding
tile everywhere.

And not only does she
make our landlord fix it,

we got free rent for a month.

Yeah, it was entirely her fault.

That's my Gigi.

I mean, ever since
she's been a kid,

she's been a thrill-seeker
and a world class BSer.

That's not totally true.

It's not?

No.

No, no, yeah, yeah.

Well, well,
speaking of childhood,

did you tell your mom that
we ran into your old school

pal, Johnny?

Johnny?

Johnny, yeah, Johnny
Giovinazzo, from second grade.

You remember Johnny.

Second grade, hmm,
Johnny, I don't--

that name doesn't ring a bell.

That name would ring a
bell, Giovinazzo, no.

Well, from how they tell it,
they were thick as thieves.

Mm-mm.

The only person that
Gigi was close to

was her dad, and her
football card collection.

Mom, Johnny, you--

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
you-- you remember Johnny.

I remember second
grade, the Melcher kid.

And you whacked him with
the wiffle ball bat.

What's a wiffle?

You said he was wearing
a Denver Broncos jersey,

and you gave him a bloody nose.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I really shouldn't
laugh at that.

But, you know, it was funny.

No, I know that
you know Johnny.

He was like my best friend.

Oh.

You've had too much wine.

Oh, excuse me?

I've-- I've also
had a lot of wine.

Yeah, I've had a
glass and a half.

Yeah, we've all
had too much wine.

I'm going to go to the bathroom
before we go to the hotel.

OK.

Want a little top off?

Uh-huh.

OK, here.

Wendy, I was wondering--

OK.

Doo-doo-doo-doo, the brim--
- Oh, sure.

- the brim, the brim.
- Yes.

Well--

Can you maybe tell me
more about young Gina?

She never talks about her
friends, or her dad, or--

She was daddy's girl.

They were thick as thieves.

One would start a
thought, and then

the other one would finish it.

He didn't like spicy mustard, so
she didn't like spicy mustard.

It was just that kind
of thing, you know?

It was-- it's really crushing
that he isn't here to see

the woman that she's becoming.

Right.

Well, speaking of, I
have a little question

that I want to ask you.

We're going to go with
champagne, but they said

prosecco is like, basic, so I--

No, I didn't know.

Oh, hey, you know,
I should probably

use the facilities also.

Yeah, well, go
to the facilities.

Yes ladies, excuse me.

Yeah.

These are the
best days we'll always remember.

What's going on?

What?

You're glowing.

No.

Yes, you are.

No, my skin just has a
natural, healthy shine.

Mom, what did he say to you?

Nothing.

He's so handsome.

He's nice.

Oh, crap.

Oh, crap.

He asked you for your blessing?

I know not of what you speak.

Oh my God, oh
my God, oh my God.

Is he going to propose?
- No.

- Tomorrow.
- No.

On Valentine's Day.

No, no, uh-uh,
wrong, [ERROR SOUND].

Damn it.

Why didn't you tell
him to just wait,

like, one day you know that
I'm not going to like this?

I don't want it to be
on Valentine's Day, mom.

Is it because he has
something romantic planned?

I don't know.

- You do know.
- No, no.

You do know, mom.

Here he comes.

All right, babe,
ready to head out?

Yeah.

OK.

Wendy, hope to see you soon.

Yeah, of course.

I'll see you soon.

I mean, why would
I see you soon?

I don't know why
I'd see you soon.

I'd love to see you soon.

But then again, you
know, why the rush?

Whatevs.

Take it all in.

Got to make it last.

Lost in the feeling.

It's gone too fast.

OK.

OK.

Bye, mom.

I'm going to kill you.

Have yourself

a very special birthday.

Don't love it when you sing.

Love you.

Good night.

Bye, Wendy.

Oh, you were right.

Told ya.

Wait, about what?

He is going to propose.

Congratulations.

He's going to propose
sometime today.

Santorini Island, oh, man.

Ooh, did you know the
sunsets over the turquoise

Aegean Sea is legendary?

How is it you know so much
about romantic destinations,

yet, you took me to
Applebee's for our 20th?

Well, Romeo here thinks he's
going to do it at sunset.

I know.

I know.

I'm getting that impression.

Better hurry,
babe, if you want

to eat before the boat leaves.

Yeah, almost done, honey.

Oh, I just gotta
keep him busy all day.

Maybe I should just tell
him that I've got the runs.

Knowing him, he'll just slip
the ring on a spoonful of Pepto.

Oh, yeah,
hiding the ring

in something, that's classic.

Oh, you better stay
away from flutes

of champagne or fancy parfaits.

OK, OK, OK, wish me luck.

OK, good luck.

And if you need
anything, text us.

Don't call.

We might be having sex.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Looks like Gina's going to
trash another Valentine's Day.

I mean, it's such a waste.

Mm-hm.

So how are my
little men doing?

Well, your little men do not
want to eat any of this stuff.

So what I'm thinking is, I
may go get him some nuggets,

and get this little guy some
creamed spinach, you know,

something special
for Valentine's Day.

Yeah, why don't you
do something special

for the tortoise?

Why don't you splurge and
take him to Applebee's?

Maybe I will.

Cause Applebee's is a
five-star restaurant,

and he deserves the best.

I don't know.

I haven't spoken to
him all that much.

Him and his twin brother
own this pizzeria

in the neighborhood.

Oh, any good?

Yeah, I like the calzones.

Hm.

Why do I need to sit there and
pretend that we're buddy-buddy?

I wonder who the woman is.

I don't know, maybe
his girlfriend, maybe?

Sure are going at it.

I want to go to the spa.

You promised me.

You promised me to relax.

Wow, she's very fiery.

I don't want to sit
and have breakfast

with somebody I don't know.

Hey, Andrew, Gina,
this is Mickey.

She's my--

Girlfriend, obviously,
because if she was your sibling

or something like
that, we would have

met before because we've
known each other for so very,

very long.

Girlfriend?

I'm not his girlfriend.

Hm?

I'm his fiance.

Oh, that's great.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

So, Johnny, Gina
tells me you own a pizza

parlor with your twin brother.

Ha, I wish.

I bet you do.

And we're-- we're actually
just leasing the building.

Oh, oh, I see.

And what about you, Mickey?

What do you do for a
living, if I may ask?

- I'm a supermodel.
- Oh, wow.

- Oh.
- No, you're not.

Am too.

Don't be ridiculous.

Your hair cut is ridiculous.

Guys, guys, it doesn't matter.

She's-- she's just
a regular model.

Not one that you could
Google and realize

has never done an
actual campaign.

Not yet.

I just finished modeling
school in France,

and I'm trying to decide
what agency to sign with.

Oh, well, I'm sure
you'll be very successful.

You're obviously
beautiful enough

to be on the cover of Vogue.

Oh, merci beaucoup.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, cheers, everyone.

Cheers.

Wow.

Mickey, you want to maybe
take it easy on those?

And you might want to shove
this pancake up your butt.

It's a lalagite.

I know it's a lalagite.

You think I don't know what
a fricking lalagite is?

We're not
back in the block--

It's a Greek pancake--
It's not gabagool--

Greek Pancake, you gorilla.

God, I'm sorry about that.

Oh, no no no, no,
we've had our fair share

of lover's spats too.

Right, lovers.

Yeah, you know, we've-- we've
spent a lot of time together,

but not very much on vacation.

It's actually our first time.

We've never had
to share a room.

Really?

Because you still have
that awful snoring problem,

right, John?

Still got it, Jyna.

Yeah, Andrew, I
got a sleep apnea.

It's the worst.

She gets to sleep in
the master bedroom,

and I got to bunk
downstairs, right, Mickey?

Huh?

Oh, yeah, sure,
sounds like a pig.

You know, they say
vacationing is a litmus

test for relationships.

Like, the close quarters,
and the pressure of traveling

can give you a clearer
picture of your compatibility,

and hopefully, find
out if both of you

are prepared for the long haul.

Exactly.

Like, if one person wants
to see ruined buildings--

Ancient ruins.

and the other
person wants to enjoy

the luxuries of a
five-star resort,

then they should let her.

One, I think the resort's
expensive enough as it is,

and two, I want to
see some culture.

I mean, I've never left
the country before.

I ain't never seen
another country neither.

Well, except for France.

I've never seen France.

Modeling school.

What I mean is, I never left
the dorm, except for class

or the library.

Mostly, I was studying
and writing thesis papers.

In Paris?

That's hard to believe.

It really is.

Speaking
of surprises,

Happy birthday--

Oh, no.

to you.

Everybody.

Happy birthday--

Her name is Gina.

to you.

Happy birthday, dear Gina.

Happy birthday to you.

I think you're going
to like the filling.

I'm so scared.

Make sure it
really goes through.

Yep, I'm cutting.

Yeah.

It's strawberry, your favorite.

Oh.

Yeah, I got them to put
real strawberries in there.

Oh, my gosh, this is amazing.

Oh, oh, this is so good.

I love it.
- Oh, no.

Hmm?
Everything OK?

No, it's Tricia.

She says, Gus is sick.

- Oh, no.
- Well, who's Gus?

Our roommate.

I better call home.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- OK.

Oh, honey, why
don't you go take

it outside where it's quiet?
- Do you guys mind?

I'm sorry.
It will just be a second.

OK, honey, I hope Gus is OK.

I'm sorry your
roommate is sick.

How long has he been ill?

Oh, Gus is in fantastic
shape for an 80-year-old.

That was all me.

I had a neighbor send a text.

All right, Giovinazzo, here's
what's going to happen.

See that beautiful
man right there?

He's planning on
proposing to me today.

Congratulations.

No, which we
cannot let happen.

Why?

Because it's Valentine's Day.

Uh, wait, what?

What I'm thinking is we
need to keep Andrew distracted

for the next 15 hours or so.

Girl, I don't even know you.

I'm not sure I'm
comfortable with lying.

Because you suck at it.

I suck?

You suck.

Modeling school in
France?

Well, does he have a runny
nose or any trouble breathing?

Is he acting lethargic?

I mean, isn't he
always lethargic?

Sunken eyes, swollen eyelids.

Sunken eyes and
swollen eyelids.

Which one is it?

Um, both?

OK, all right, well,
you have our keys.

So once you locate
the medication,

just call me right back.

I don't mean to rush you,
but the boat tour leaves in 20.

Oh, honey, I don't know.

I'm really worried about
the cell service out at sea.

And I really should
walk Steve and Trish

through Gus's treatment.
- Yeah.

They may need to
rush him to the vet.

Oh, my God, yeah, of course.

Whatever you want to do
today, babe, I'm game.

Gus is the priority.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Hey, I have an idea.

Look, she paid for
this whole vacation.

At least we could do
is give her one day.

She's weird, like you.

I mean, who has an
80-year-old roommate?

Here they are.

Hey, guys.

I don't want to ruin
your Valentine's Day,

but we've got a
proposition for you.

I'm not doing some
sick Greek orgy.

- Shut it.
- OK.

What do you guys feel about
splitting up for the day?

We thought since Johnny here
wanted to see the sights,

he could take my
seat on the cruise.

And, Mickey, you can
take our spa voucher.

Yeah, the idea is, you
can have a relaxing massage

while Johnny and Gina
catch up on old times

and check out the islands.

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah, and today's activities,
by the way, are all on me, OK?

I don't want my girl to be
stressing out on her birthday,

watching me pace
around the suite.

You seriously would be
doing me a huge favor.

It'll be a really
good distraction.

Well, I think we can give
up one day of our vacation.

Yeah, I think
that'll be all right.

Yeah, and then
tonight, afterwards,

you'll meet me on the resort's
patio at 11:00 for drinks?

Yeah, yeah, or maybe midnight,
if we're running a little late.

Sounds perfect.

Can't wait to get pampered.

OK.

All right.

Are you sure
you're OK with this?

Yeah, yeah, babe, they're
not in a good place like us.

They could use some space.

And besides, tomorrow is
our one-year anniversary.

That's the day that I
really want to celebrate.

All right.

OK?

OK.

Gus is going to be fine.

It's going to be OK.
- All right.

- OK.
- OK, OK.

OK.

Got all the bars.

Look, pushing it back a
day is a good thing for Andrew.

This day has always
had some bad juju.

I don't know.

Still seems a bit silly, like,
there's got to be more to this.

No, no, nothing.

I just-- I don't want to get
engaged until 12:01 tomorrow.

And until then, let's just
put it out of our minds,

enjoy my final day of freedom.

Hi, would you guys care
for a glass of champagne?

Is a tortoise's
ass watertight?

How much do I owe you, Miss?

Food and drinks are all
complimentary to newlyweds.

Oh.

You hear that,
Mrs. Giovinazzo?

I sure do, my
sweet, dear husband.

And the bullshit train
keeps chugging right along.

Mm-hm.

I already forgot
it's Valentine's Day.

Heart-shaped
bruschetta, madam?

It looks good.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Steve tried rubbing the
ointment in his mouth,

but Gussie just keeps putting
his head back in his shell.

Just Steve, just put
it on your finger,

and just shove it in there.

No, no, no, no,
no, don't do that.

Gus's beak will chomp
his finger clean off.

Oh, OK, don't do that.

No, he said don't do that.

You know what?

We're going to have
to apply it rectally.

Uh, you're going to have
to stick it in his butt.

Wait, why?
Why would I do that?

He's not even sick.

Shh, do
you want Andrew to hear?

Guys, needs to be a
quick jab, a quick jab.

Just go in and out.

Are you sure?

We're doing this for Gina, OK?

Can you just like, get over
yourself and stick your finger

in the tortoise's butthole?

Guys, please listen
to me, in and out,

or else, the anus will seal up.

What's that now?

Yow.

Little--

Guys, is everything OK?

Steve?

I just bought that tent.

Is Gus OK?

Guys.

And how did you two meet?

It's actually
an awesome story.

You want to take
it this time, babe?

No, you tell, please.

Well, me and
Gina were actually

born three minutes apart
in the same hospital

in a quaint little country town.

No way.

What town?

Chugwater, Wyoming.

Johnny's great,
great, great, great

grandfather, Lieutenant Ulysses
Chugwater founded it in 1876.

Fascinating.

Yep, so there's little Gina in
the bassinet right next to me.

But we actually didn't
meet for another 20 years.

In Pittsburgh, at
the Funtime Waterpark.

See, Gina got trapped in the
enclosure of the pirate's plunge

water slide.

Yeah, I got jammed
right up in there.

Because I mean, you don't
mind if I tell her, right, babe?

No, please tell her.

See, Gina had a bit
of a weight problem.

She was soaking wet,
I'd say, what, 330?

Yeah, 325 in a bikini.

Well, you look wonderful now.

Oh, she did back then, too.

So I came roaring
down the slide.

I smack right into all of her.

And then next thing you
know, they keep sending

down kids one after the other.

We start piling up.

Parents are screaming,
terrified for their little ones.

There's about a
dozen of us there.

I thought we were
all going to drown.

Yeah.

My word, how'd you
finally get freed?

Well, it was actually thanks
to Gina's clever ingenuity.

You see, because
of the weight, she

always carried extra chocolate
bars on her everywhere she went.

In a bikini?

Hypoglycemia.

Yeah, so she--

she starts rubbing them
Snickers up and down her legs.

Next thing you know,
kids are squeezing out

between her thighs,
one after the other,

gliding safely into
the pool below.

Let me tell you, when I saw
her rise up in the water,

sunlight in her hair, ass
covered in chocolate and nougat,

I knew she was the one.

Well, that's a--
a-- a charming story.

There's my husband.

I should go.

Bye, bye.
Take care.

It's a celebration.

It's a celebration.

Life is what you make it.

Sorry we scared you.

I guess it was a false alarm.

Yep.

Woo.

So is there any way you
can go catch up with Gina?

I'm afraid not.

She's probably way
out at sea by now,

but we're going to
celebrate later tonight.

Got a big surprise for her.

Oh, I wonder what it is.

Well, I'm sure she'll
tell you tomorrow.

Oh, speaking of, do you guys
have any Valentine's plans?

Kind of a sore subject.

Honey, do you have any
grand, romantic gestures

planned for us tonight?

I gave you a beautiful baby boy.

The least you can do is
buy me something on Amazon.

And jumper cables
are not acceptable.

Oh, you know what?

There's someone at the door.

I will talk to
you guys tomorrow.

Thanks again.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Oh.

You got that spa
voucher for me?

Yeah, oh, yeah, one sec.

Here you go.

So I'm going to
hit the gym, work up

a sweat before that rub down.

Oh, that's smart.

Working out alone is so
boring, don't you think?

Hint, hint.

Oh, you know what?

I should probably
wait here for Gina--

Oh, come on.

just in case.

Please.

Well, I suppose I did
steal your fiance today,

and I could use a
little exercise.

OK, yeah, why not just?

Give me a second to change.

Hmm, wonder where
all the guests are.

Oh, well, probably stuffing
their faces with baklava.

Well, then we
get to decide what to watch.

Listen up now--

We'll need your squad.

Wait, go back, go back.

No amulet.

Let's go.

Look.

That one.

The Monster Squad?

Summer movie classic.

Before every blockbuster,
was a remake, sequel,

or comic book anthology.

1980 to 1989, that, my friends,
is the golden age of cinema.

Oh, I am totally with you.

Oh, see if you can keep up.

I'll try.

Oh.

How'd you catch a
girlfriend being this slow?

Oh, Gina's idea of fitness
is reaching over for the remote

to watch more football.

Well,
Johnny's the same.

Yeah?

Stupid gorilla.

Come on.

Hey.

Wolf Man's got nards.

Love that one.

Come on.

Woo.

Oh, yeah.

I can't agree.

Yeah, look at the numbers.

Same era, Cliff
Branch's are way better.

This one has four
Super Bowl rings.

Bradshaw only has three.

Only three?

Largent, Brown, Moss,
Carter, they don't have any.

Megatron.

Getting a ring
doesn't mean squat.

Well, that's not
what you're planning

on saying on Andrew tonight,
break the poor kid's heart.

I thought we agreed you
were done on that subject.

You're right.

It's your day.

So how'd you get into
be a Raiders fan?

Date one of their
punters or something?

I wish.

It was my dad's team.

Your dad, he's
still dead, right?

Yeah.

Such a dumb ape.

Woo, ah, woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

You missed
me, or more likely,

I didn't want to talk to you.

She must be in a dead spot.

Are you sure this is OK?

I know I paid for
a couple's massage,

but we're not technically
like a real couple.

Dude, you really need this.

Talk about a tight.

Lay your ass down, will ya?

You're making me tense.

OK, all right, yeah.

I suppose it'll be fine.

Thank you.

Just get down.

What the hell?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, yeah, right
there, oh, oh, ooh,

yeah, right there, right there.

Keep going.
Work that spot.

Keep going.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, God!

Oh my God.

Yeah, oh!

Bet no one's ever accused
you of being frigid.

Are you and the missus
having trouble in the boudoir?

Me and Gina?

I'm sorry, but we
just met, and I'm

not really sure that that
topic is you know, appropriate.

Cool, whatever.

Yeah, focus on the glutes.

Really get in there.

Oh, .

I mean, she's
loving, but guarded.

Like, for instance, I hadn't
even heard anything about Johnny

until yesterday.

She never shares anything
about her childhood,

or her family,
especially her father.

Doesn't that seem strange?

Huh?

Oh, so sorry, zoned out.

What were you-- what
were you saying?

Oh, never mind.

Cool.

I mean, it's just a
wild roller coaster.

I keep feeling that
this track we're on

is suddenly just going to whip
my ass in a new direction,

and I'm white knuckling
the guardrail.

Meanwhile, she has her
hands up in the air

like she just don't care.

You know what I mean?

Mm?

Sorry, zoned out again.

What were you saying?

What about you and Johnny?

Mm?

What about us?

Oh, any problems
with your rapport?

Oh, if anything,
we're too close.

I know everything
about that meathead,

how he lost his virginity, why
he's terrified of bats, when

it's his daily bowel movement.

You know, you can't hide
anything from a twin.

Wait, I thought
he was the twin.

You can't possibly
have a twin also.

Sure, no.

My zodiac sign, I'm a Gemini.

The twins, they're, we're very
in sync with the cosmos.

Hm.

Haven't heard that.

All I know is Geminis are
fun-loving, extroverted,

and up for anything.

Yeah?

That's me, all right.

Oh, yeah, oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes, correct.

OK, OK, so we're 2,000
feet off the ground,

he's about to propose,
and guess what happens?

The guy who's running the hot
air balloon has a heart attack

and dies.

He falls off the side,
and the loss of the weight,

it causes us to rise.

We're like, 200
feet in the air.

We were floating in
the clouds for hours.

It's cold, and we're starving.

And he gets down on one
knee, and then he says--

I don't know if we're going
to live to see tomorrow,

but I don't want to live one
more day without you as my wife.

And so we don't die of thirst.

He pops some champagne.

And the cork, it pops a hole
right through the nylon balloon.

And then we just glide down
to a nice, safe, soft landing.

Safe, soft, right next
to the guy's corpse.

Yeah.

But in a weird way,
it felt romantic.

It did.

Well, it attracted
all the animals.

It was like a Cinderella movie.

Yeah, it felt like
Bambi or something, but--

but better.

I heard they couldn't give
that guy an open casket funeral.

His face had been mauled by
bears beyond recognition.

And just like that,
we were engaged.

Oh.

My heart melts
away when I'm next to you.

This is so relaxing.

Hm, it's nice.

Oh, God?

What's in my eyes?

Ow, ow, ow, stop, stop, stop.

It's too much.

Oil.

How
I will show you love.

Is this the right time
to let go of my pride?

I can't keep this thing no more.

Would you risk it all
for a chance at love?

Will you let me be
your new temptation?

Would you risk it all for
a chance at love, love,

love, love, love, love, love.

New temptation.

Wow.

This a so relaxing.

Yeah.

Well, you're a
Gemini, all right.

So, do you know why they
call it the Cave of Nymphs?

No idea.

Do you know who Pan is?

Yeah, a kid who never
grew up, never Neverland,

peanut butter mascot.

No, Pan, he's the Greek God.

Oh, yeah, of course.

He has horns, legs of a
goat, little pointy ears.

Oh, wait, wait,
wait, no, yeah, he--

he played the flute, right?

The pipe of reeds.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Exactly what you said.

He was a merry fellow.

He just-- he wanted to sing, and
to dance, and to goof around.

He was half divine god, half
undomesticated wild animal.

Much like yours truly.

So naturally,
all the wood nymphs dug him.

Naturally.

They even said that he was
the greatest of all time.

Wait, you're telling
me that of all the gods,

Pan was the GOAT.

Yeah, especially Melissanthi.

She was in love with him,
and he led her to believe

that he was into her, too.

Leading a nymph on
is never a good idea.

So when she realized that
no matter what she did,

he was never going to be into
her, she finally gave up.

And with a broken
heart, she drowned

herself in that very cave.

Oof, heart wants
what the heart wants.

So they say.

Oh, you got to
get some of these.

Oh, yeah, I love
cooking with basil.

Love the aroma.

Uh-huh.

Gotta get some more.

Ooh, do you want one of these?

Yeah, yeah, we should
probably put it in the cart.

Oh, are we allowed to--

It's so good.

Yeah, true-- spicy.

Oh, need some water?

Oh.

- I need more water.
- Want some water?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You good?

Water?

Give me, give me, give me.

Please, please.

Oh,
my lips, my lips.

Say, that's an
interesting story.

Where'd you learn it?

My dad.

He was enchanted with
all things Greek.

He wanted to retire
here, but didn't.

But at least my mom is
getting to live out his dream.

Mentioned him a couple times.

How long has he been gone?

15 years ago today.

Today?

Yeah.

I turned 15.

And he wanted to take his little
valentine to the amusement park

for a birthday celebration.

And somewhere on
the roller coaster's

second or third loop, he--

he went into full-on
cardiac arrest.

We spent the afternoon
at the emergency, and I--

I fell asleep.

And when I woke up, I
didn't have a dad anymore.

Both ended that miserable
day with a broken heart.

Today's been a really
nice distraction.

Actually, it's been one
of my better birthdays.

I had a really
good day today, too.

We should-- we
should probably go--

Yeah.

before the boat
just leaves us here.

Good idea.

Wait, was that a bat?

What?

Oh, we gotta get out of here.

Well, it's just a bat.

They have radar, woman.

What's wrong with radar?

Oh, my God, radar
attracts more bats.

Hardly healing wounds

From the fighting from the con

The baseless allegations
that they make

Mm.

Whoa.

Just a touch of honey.

Oh, my God.

Johnny won't let me
experiment in the kitchen.

He gets mad if I do stuff like
replace ricotta with mascarpone.

Oh, mascarpone's
creamier, has more flavor.

Yes.

He's got no taste.

I'm like, not everybody
wants pepperoni.

Some people like pear,
goat cheese, and arugula.

Yeah.

Oh, shoot.

You know what?

I forgot to cancel that.

Be right back.

Coming.

I had the proposal
all planned out.

It was going to
be a big surprise.

And, boy, was it.

I got home from work, I
walk into the living room,

and there's this big, giant box.

I open it, and out comes--

A bunch of balloons.

and--

- Butterflies.
- and--

Doves.

and--

And?

Johnny himself in a suit.

- What kind of suit?
- Tux.

Duck.

A duck tux.

Oh, how romantic.

Yes, well, champagne, yeah.

The plan was to
propose, and then

come back up here to celebrate.

But um--

Oh.

No point in letting
it go to waste.

Yeah, I guess that's OK.

Yeah, yeah, pour me a glass,
and I'll go check in with Gina.

OK.

OK.

You missed me,
or more likely, I--

Damn.

- didn't want
to talk to you.

Dinner's ready in
T minus five minutes.

Reach by the water,

I'll just sink in
lightly flowing breeze

in the air brushing my skin.

I'll lay on my
back, water's cold,

and my mind spins, flowing
with the tides, with the waves,

with the currents.

I think
I could stay forever if--

Ahh.

You know, I was thinking, I know
this holiday holds a lot of crap

memories for you,
but I don't know,

maybe if you really, like,
embraced what this day,

you know, what
it's really about,

you might wash away all
those horrible ones.

Maybe.

Cheers?

Oh, oh, delightful.

Yeah, I think so, too.

Get up, kids.

The traditional Greek dance
festivities are about to start.

Should we check it out?

After you, oh, file mou.

Opa!

Opa!

Dancing the Sirtaki
is punishment to unleash

the Greek spirit, mind, and
body all at the same time.

Oh, my gosh.

Opa!

Opa!

Greece.

Johnny, Johnny, you're
a whole llama fun.

I am not a llama.

I am the GOAT.

Opa!

Opa!

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy
birthday, dear Gina.

Happy birthday to you.

Oh, ow, my head, uh.

Hey, Trish.

What's up?

Hey, girl, you sound awful.

Yeah, yeah, it was a
bit of a rough night.

Yeah, I got some message
saying you might be in love

with a goat or something?

No, no, no, get the crust.

Wait.

I said what now?
The crust?

What are you, four?

You didn't
cut it all the way.

Yeah, that's about
as good as it's going to get.

Hey, um, can I
call you back, Trish?

Sure.

Happy birthday.

OK, love you, bye.

Happy?

I'm not going to
watch you eat this.

Hey, hey, wake up.

Oh, God.

Um, what time is it?

It's-- it's 11:23, and
I've changed my mind.

I thought about what you said
about reclaiming this holiday,

and that I want to do that.

Wait, you want to do what now?

I want to get engaged
on Valentine's Day.

Come on, come on, come on.

OK, we only have half an hour.

Hey, do you know what time
the last hotel shuttle comes?

Oh, we just missed it.

I heard they come
every 20 minutes.

Come on.

Hey, I'm in pursuit
of a terrorist.

I need to commandeer
your vehicle.

We only
got one night, one night

We only got one night

It's 10 minutes to midnight.
I don't know if we're going to--

Oh, that's it?
We got it.

We only got
one night, one night

We only got one night, one night

I think I just stay ate a bug.

Bleh.

I think I did, too.

Come on, come on, come on.

All right, almost there, Jyna.

OK.

We're coming up.

Jyna is feeling a little sick.

Oh, man, I think I
need, like, a sick bag.

No, you don't, not yet.

Oh, shit.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

I'm American.

Look, my friend here,
she has hypoglycemia,

OK, low blood sugar.

We got to get to
the hotel where we

got medicine, because if
she doesn't get a shot,

she'll slip into a coma.

- Coma?
- Yeah, coma.

Coma?

OK, OK, come with me.

All right, thank you,
thank you very much.

Hang on.

OK, let's go.

Hey, thanks.

Hey, mom, I don't have time.

Any news now?

OK, I gotta go.

OK.

11:59.

All right, out of
the way, this nurse

is from Chugwater Memorial.

She's here for an
emergency heart transplant.

- Whoa.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

We only have

Do you think he gave up?

I don't know, but I'm not.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Oh, OK, he's so cute.

OK.

Hi.

Hey.

I'm sorry that
I missed dinner.

Gina?

You're back?

Too late to celebrate.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh hey, Jyna.

What?

Uh.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm warning you, you
better stop calling me a whore.

Then stop being a whore.

Ladies, please.

Mickey?

I was doing you a favor.

Oh, yeah, well, thank you.

Let me go get you
another $5,000 gift card.

Hey, hey, Gina, what you
saw up there was exactly

what it looked like, OK?

I was drunk, and
lonely, and there was

a supermodel naked in my bed.

Oh, pray
tell, 'tis not

the same supermodel I
am betrothed.

Oh, man John, my
buddy, I'm so sorry.

You, sir, are a
scoundrel and a thief.

Oh, stay out of this, Johnny.

At least he's honest.

Oh, yeah, he's
a freaking saint.

Oh, truthful
adulterer, say ye.

Technically, I'm not
an adulterer because you

guys aren't officially married.

Nor shall we, sir.

You have spoiled thy damsel.

I wish only to wed a virgin.

A virgin?

What?

Wait, that was her first time?

Did I deflower you?

What?

Why is everyone laughing?

Oh, you poor, poor thing.

Wha-- what's going on?

What the hell is going on?

Is this guy your buddy
from grade school or not?

Because he's starting to
sound a little British.

No, no.

And she's not
actually a supermodel.

Not technically, but
people are always saying

how super photogenic I am.

Right.

You guys want to see
the infamous Giovinazzo

family Christmas card of '08?

Don't you dare.

You know mom made me wear
that hideous sweater.

Didn't mom gave you
that hideous perm too?

Put that away.

Did they just say mom?

Yeah, yeah, they're actually--
they're brother and sister.

We're actually twins.

You were going to
marry your twin brother?

Oh, my God, this
guy's adorable.

I know, right?

Andrew, you've been duped.

Everyone has been tricking you.

Nobody here is getting married.

Yeah, you got that right.

I can't believe
I-- you know what?

You guys are all a bunch
of dirty, scummy, horrible,

filthy, big, fat, stupid liars.

And I bet you're not
even a Gemini either.

Easy.

OK, OK, all right, all
right, everybody relax.

Look, we've all made
some mistakes today,

and we've all done
some things that we're

not particularly proud of.

What the hell did I do?

You slept with her.

Oh, right.

Yes, sorry, I
forgot for a second.

Oh, gee, thanks.

I'm drunk.

Wow.

Andrew, can we be honest?

Yeah, that'd be a first, Gina.

Yeah, yeah, you're
absolutely right.

I-- I don't know,
I thought that if I

was with somebody that was
totally different to me,

that I would--

What?

I like-- I bullshitted
myself into thinking

that I was falling in love.

So what, that's it then?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to go get my
bags and finish the rest

of my trip at my mom's.

Giovinazzos, have
yourselves a wonderful life.

Happy Valentine's
Day, everybody.

Oh, God.

Everyone was
screaming at each other.

We were all in
our-- our underwear.

I threw up on him.

I'm pretty sure I have a
lifetime ban from that resort.

If you had fun,
it was worth it.

No, no, not the point.

If it wasn't horrendous
and mortifying,

it would not be Valentine's Day.

Honey, refrain,
always a silver lining.

No, Valentine's Day
blows, point blank.

Honey, life is balanced
on the head of a pin.

One day, it's absolute
perfection, and the next,

it's dark, like us losing daddy.

Valentine's Day, yeah, it's
a kind of silly holiday.

It seems like treacly
cards, and it's

like a diabetic's nightmare,
and pick me, pick me.

And it's-- there's loneliness,

but it's also goosebumps

and heart flutters, ants
in your pants, chance

to express your feelings.

And you're my valentine, baby.

I feel like it can be an act of
remembrance of your dad's love.

It's funny, somebody else
recently said just that to me.

Uh-huh.

Who?

Johnny?

Yeah, yes, Johnny.

How do you know that?

Oh, here.

Oh, no.

Mom, this
guy Johnny is fine and crazy.

We're going to give you half
goat grandkids, like, they're

actually grandkids, kids--

Goat babies?

Game on.

Large pepperoni with ricotta.

How are you doing, Johnny?

Not bad.

You know, my skin still
got that post-vacation tan.

And after all that baklava,
there's a lot more of it, so.

I don't believe that
I ordered anything.

No, no, no, no, no, you were
promised free pizza for a year.

No, no, it's not necessary.

Me and you were good.

Actually, I kind of thought
we hit it off in Greece.

And I figured I'd wait a month
and then see if you wanted

to go on a real date with me.

That's really sweet,
and I'm really flattered,

but I just don't really--

It's just dinner.

Are you still with Andy, or--

No, I'm just not really
interested in dating anybody

right now.

The trip, it just
forced me to take

a really hard look at myself.

And I'm working on
growing up, and not being

such a big, fat, stupid liar.

Hold on.

I believe it was dirty,
scummy, filthy, horrible,

big, fat, stupid liar.

Until this hot mess
gets her shit together,

I shouldn't be with anybody.

OK, well, look, don't
change too much of yourself.

You got to keep
some of that edge.

And until you're ready, I'm
just going to keep trying.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Om.

I
waited for 1,000 suns

Whatever it's going to take

And if there's ever
a chance you'll go

Then forever I will stay

Oh, I'll be here tomorrow

And ever I will wait at
the place you left me

I'll be standing here each day

Oh, I'll be here tomorrow

Right here I will remain

In case there is a chance
that I may see your face again

All good?

Everything been good so far?

Yeah, excellent.

This guy's a
fucking mess, right?

You have good taste.

- You're a lucky man.
- All right.

Thanks for telling me.

All right, guys.

I'm doing all right.

Not great, but all right.

You got to get back
out on that horse, baby.

Go out there.

Let your hair down, trip
the life, fantastic.

I
don't need a horse.

I'm telling you, mom,
I'm fine being alone.

Sorry, we're totally
booked up tonight.

I'm sorry.

- We'll find somewhere else.
- Really?

Psst.

Hey, you guys need a table?

Uh-huh.

Here you go.

Enjoy your dinner.

Seriously?

What is this for?

I'm just trying to spread the
love on this really special day.

That's so sweet.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Enjoy your night.

Hey, can I buy one of those?

Thank you.

Don't give
yourself a hernia.

Hey, girl.

How was the birthday?

It's the best one
I've had in a long time.

Mm.

How's your Valentine's Day?

Oh, you know, just hauling
trash like a woman in love.

Steve didn't want
to overexert himself

for tonight's big performance,
asked me if I wouldn't

mind doing the trash, so.

Yeah, it's been a
pretty horny night.

Kinky.

Ooh.

I know it's my
fault, but this year

has been a hell of a dry spell.

Well, honey, Valentine's Day
isn't just about spreading love.

It's also about
letting love find you.

Oh, goody, I missed dinner.

Oh, I wonder if it's in the
shape of a heart or a vag.

Hmm?

You know, because it's
also the day of your birth.

Oh.

Not what I was expecting.

I guess your Italian
Casanova finally gave up.

I guess humans aren't as
relentless as tortoises.

Huh?

It's still early.

I think I can get to him
before the restaurant closes.

Go for it.

Bring me back a cannoli.

The heart wants
what the heart wants.

Yeah, well, my
heart wants a cannoli.

I'll get you a cannoli.

Good luck, honey.

Come on, man, we gotta be--
we gotta get ready for mommy.

Put the dinosaur down.

What in the world?

You walked into too early.

He was supposed to
be holding the thing,

and then he was supposed to be--
we both got on the Cupid draws.

It's the most romantic thing--

I know.
But it was supposed--

I have ever seen.

to be better than this.

Baby, it was supposed
to be both of us,

and we're supposed to--
we put the costumes

on, but he decided not--

You did a good job.

You think so?

Screaming in the stars.

It's going to
un-un-unforgettable.

It's close to magic.

Sorry.

Aw, freaking adorable.

We're closed.

Hey.

Oh, it's you.

What, you didn't get
your free pizza today?

Where's Johnny?

Oh, hey, Gina.

Andrew.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, well--

What?

Your tongue stuck
in that zipper?

Um, we're dating.

We're engaged.

Right.

Oh, wow.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

We're very happy.

That's right.

Well, is Johnny here tonight?

I wanted to talk to him.

Is he on a delivery?

He's out with his girlfriend.

They met at Christmas.

It's quite serious.

Mm-hm.

She has a five-year-old
who Johnny totally adores.

Yeah, and they
just bought a dog.

A golden retriever.

Scruffy.

Scruffy.

Uh, I see.

Look, he wasted a whole year
trying to get your attention,

and now, he's moved on.

And I'm sorry to say, but
I think you should, too.

Hey, we're going to a midnight
screening of Pretty in Pink

tonight.

Why don't you join us?

What?

What?

Um, it's OK.

I'm really happy for you guys.

I'm glad that you
found each other.

Thanks, Gina.

Thank you.

Patiently.

OK, good night.

So I'll try to
rise, but I cannot rise up.

Will you rise for me?

Will you rise for me?

Whoa.

And?

Ta-da.

Mickey and
Andrew, they said that you met

someone with a kid and a dog?

Scruffy.

Yeah.

Yeah, they were lying.

Really?

They've gotten so good at it.

Learned from the best.

Can you
take the stupid hat off?

Oh, my God.

Can't breathe in this thing.

You know, this one time at
my cousin's bachelor party,

we got him a stripper
to pop out of the cake,

but all the icing melted
and she got glued inside.

It took four emergency
technicians and the jaws of life

to save Jasmine from--

Come here.

Aw.

That dude
looks ridiculous.

I heard they both
got trapped at the top

of the Empire State Building
and had to cuddle for warmth.

Oh, wow.

Then she falls overboard
off the SS Ulysses Chugwater,

and he rescued her.

But get this, she has amnesia.

Now, he needs one last bone
to build his brontosaurus,

but she, her terrier,
and a leopard named Baby.

Lands onto a train track.

She saves him, and while he's in
a coma, falls for his brother.

Plays hooky going
on holiday in Rome,

pretending to be a tourist.

Then it's revealed
that he has an evil twin.

It's-- not-- not identical,
a female who winds

up sleeping with the boyfriend.

Oh, you know, I had
to conjure the spirits to get

these two crazy kids together.

No, we used to date.

It's not weird anymore.

And now, the ring
bearer will present

us with symbols of their love.

Oh, my.

Gus.

The ringbearer.

Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus.

Babe, help her roommate along.

Yeah, sure thing.

Go get him.

Go get him.

Oh, Gus, that's so sweet.

All right, here
you go, Johnny.

Thanks, bro.

OK.

Thanks, man.

Got it.

With this ring, I thee wed.

With this ring, I thee wed.

I now pronounce you
husbands and wives.

It is good to start
this union with a kiss.

Aww.

They did it.

Happy Valentine's
Day, everybody.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

My therapist
being annoying.

She says I'm
aggressive to people.

So what if I'm
aggressive to people?

What else am I supposed to do?

What?

Maybe changing your attitude.

That is the least I could do,
but I don't want to do that.

I'm passive aggressive,
flirtatious, that's

something that I took pride in.

If you can take
some of my jokes,

I guess that we can be a thing.

But I never meant to offend
you whenever I called you a sh,

so I, you gotta be mad.

OK.

Maybe I exaggerate when
showing my twisted affection.

Maybe when I called you gay
was my way to avoid rejection.

Will I ever come out of
the self-restricting shell?

Well I don't know about that.

Cause I love the pain for love
that's unrequited in my veins.

Getting over nothing can be
harder than the real thing,

so I'm living for
the drama I create.

I guess I'm just
addicted to the chase.

Running if you catch me, cause
I've been on the road and yeah,

this brave, one woman showing
ain't ready to stay, no, no, no.

My therapist being annoying, she
says I'm afraid of committing.

No shit, I'm afraid
of committing.

What else am I supposed to do?

What?

Maybe share a feeling or two,
that is the least I could do.

Yeah, I know I'm not doing that.

OK, I think I'm narcissistic.

I love myself 3002.

But listen, it is what it is,
the diamond will never be dull.

And you can say these
are excuses, that I'm

just avoiding the truth.

Who knows?

Let's hope for the best.

OK.

Maybe I exaggerate when
showing my twisted affection.

Maybe when I called you gay
was my way to avoid rejection.

Will I ever come out of
the self-restriction shell?

Well, I don't know about
that, cause I love the pain,

the pain, the love that's
unrequited in my veins.

Getting over nothing can be
harder than the real thing.

So I'm living for
the drama I create.

I guess I'm just
addicted to the chase.

Then running if you catch me,
cause I've been on the road,

and yeah, this great one-woman
show ain't ready to stay.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Thinking
about your ghost

with a halo over your head,
thinking bout your soul, if it's

gone or if it's just left.

I don't know the rules of
the living or the undead.

I don't know how to get
up out of this warm bed.

Sitting on the edge of the
bleachers with my one friend.

I don't really know about the
rest, where they all went.

I won't lose control, be alone.

God, I'm so spent I can't
let them know that I'm

tired, where my joy went.

Oh, I've been
falling for awhile,

a victim of this world
and its cruelties.

Oh,

I'll still put on a
smile,

take a moment still,
and just breathe.

Standing on the corner of the
street watching cars pass,

I tried to enjoy simple
things while they still last.

I don't really know if
time heals like they say,

cause everything still feels
fresh and new through the soul.

I'll lay on my
back, water's cold,

and my mind spins, flowing
with the tides, with the waves,

with the currents.