Original subtitles

[ INSPIRING MUSIC ]

[ BRASS BAND FANFARE ]

[ WHISTLES BLOWING ]

[ UPBEAT MARCHING MUSIC ]

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Heave, ho!

♪ Hit the deck.

♪ Fall in,

♪ Or bear with the parade.

♪ Spare your heads,

♪ Steady as you go.

♪ Heave out,

♪ Or bear with the parade.

♪ Fight beside, fight beside, fight beside, fight beside.

[ WHISTLE BLOWING ]

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, carry on, carry on! ♪

[ LOW BRASS MUSIC ]

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

Really, Jane, you know you shouldn't do this to me.

Oh, simmer down, darling.

If an admiral can't give his granddaughter a lift--

But I'm on official business!

Well, that's all right, you can run along now.

Just hand me that outboard motor.

I'll be back around tea-time, Willy.

- Would you pick me up? - Of course.

If you think my flag lieutenant

has nothing to do but-- oh, my goodness!

Take this, someone's coming.

JANE: [CHUCKLES] Why, they're only rating.

As commander in chief, I will not take the salute

with an outboard motor in my hand.

Eyes!

Left!

[ MARCHING MUSIC ]

Eyes! Front!

[ MARCHING MUSIC ]

[ CLATTERING ]

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Come on! Fall in over there!

[ JANE LAUGHS ]

Wow.

[ DRILL SERGEANT ] Shortest in the centre!

Well, stone the breeding crows!

I've never seen anything like that in all my life.

You can say that again.

An outboard with an half-inch shaft.

No good for sea work, though.

That looks a tricky maneuver to me.

- Yes, it must do. - Uh-oh. Can I help?

No, thank you, I do this every day.

You do? At the same time?

[ SHE CHUCKLES ] All right. Take this.

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ] Thank you.

No, no, no, allow me, I'll fix it for you.

- This one? - Oh, yes, but--

Look, we're just casting off.

Why don't we give you a lift to wherever you're going?

- Don't drop the cord. - No, I just dropped it.

Look, you know,

this is absolutely no sort of a job for a girl.

Well, I may not look it, but I'm really a very capable character.

Oh, yes, I'm sure you are, but these things have

quite a backlash, you know. You can sprain a wrist,

slip a disc, you can do practically anything.

Whoa! [ SPLASHING ]

[ JANE LAUGHS ]

You were saying? [ LAUGHS ]

[ SHIP HORN BLOWING ]

My outfits are good.

Yes, except that I smell like a herring.

My fishing gear.

Where to first, up the sole and around the lightship?

- 'Round the lightship? - What, too dull?

How about the nudist camp at the needles?

- Look, I hired this boat-- - Take a Deco through here.

Everything's larger than life.

What I want to see is HMS Sherwood. Hard of port.

HMS Sherwood?

Yes, I'm taking command of her tomorrow.

- You are? - Yes, any comments?

Well, rust my rollocks.

Never mind your rollocks, hard of port, man.

All right, all right!

[ EVOCATIVE MUSIC ]

There's the old girl.

Looks pretty good, doesn't she?

Scrap the lot, I say! The navy's up the creek!

- Up the creek? - Yes, up the creek!

Put 'em all in the air, I say.

- Flying cruisers, so to speak? - It stands to reason!

Atom bombs, atom power, atom cars, atom piles!

The atom's come to stay, you know.

- I must tell it to the admiral. - Yeah, you tell him that!

What's a battleship worth these days, eh?

Ha, two penny for cold gin! [ LAUGHING ]

- Look out! - Eh?

[ RISING, WORRYING MUSIC ]

[ WAVES CRASHING ]

- She's in, heave to. - D'ahh, women drivers.

- Full start. - Aye-aye.

[ SPLASHING ]

Hang on.

Now, take it easy, I'll have you out in no time.

Thank you. I can manage.

[ GRUNTS ] [ SPLASHING ]

[ MAN LAUGHING ]

You were saying? [ LAUGHING ]

Up you come.

And furthermore, I am extremely sorry that I laughed.

I suppose it was a sort of nervous reaction.

You know how it is.

Somebody says granny's been run over by a water cart.

However much you may love dear old gran,

your first impulse is to laugh.

JANE: My grandmother died a natural death.

Oh, that's different.

I do wish you'd stop being an enemy.

Look, I can take a joke as well as the next person,

but to deliberately follow me around just to get your own--

[ HE LAUGHS LOUD ]

What's the matter, do I look like granny?

Believe me, it was a complete accident.

We were so busy looking at the Sherwood,

we really didn't see you.

So you didn't follow me.

You're just cruising 'round the Sherwood.

That's right, I'm taking command of her tomorrow.

- The Sherwood? - Uh-huh.

- Well, rule Britania. - My name's Peter Fraser.

May I know yours?

Just call me Neptune's daughter.

Ah?

Stand by to make fast!

Quick, grab a fender.

Hey, grab a fender, down near to starboard.

Fend off over there, miss, just straight over.

Watch where it goes! Ah! Fix it there!

Easy as it goes.

Watch where the fend off is, miss!

Look, that's all right, okay!

PETER: Take it easy.

All right, mate, cross over there!

Just there, okay! Right?

PETER: Right. You know?

PETER: The least I can do is to see you home.

No, it's very kind of you, but it doesn't matter.

I know, you're still angry with me.

- Oh, no, I'm not really. - Ah, good.

Believe it or not, I've accepted your story.

I hate to stay enemies with Neptune's daughter.

Oh, then I'll declare and armistice.

Did you know that you've got sea-green eyes?

Must be the cold.

The cold.

The cold, good heavens! Of course, how silly of me.

Quickly. Now then, up you go.

You must go straight home and drop

into some hot mustard or something.

Yeah! And I should drop this in, too, if I were you!

You're not, so bring it up.

If you can just tell me where I can return these--

Don't worry, I'll go around for them.

Well, I think I'd better send them.

Whatever you say. Just send them to me at the Harbour Hotel.

Hey, just a minute!

You might route the lightship or something.

I'll see you get it back.

Lieutenant Commander Peter Fraser, Harbour Hotel.

You're very young to be a lieutenant commander.

Giving us youngsters a chance at last,

retiring some of these doddery old admirals.

Ahh.

About time, too, don't you think?

May I take that?

Well, I'm sure I don't want it, miss.

You're sure I can't help you any further?

Well, you could just tie the dingy up.

Yes, do that.

Is there any chance of my seeing you again?

I'm afraid there may be, captain.

There's plenty of chance of you seein' me again!

Until I get me jersey, me jeans, and me shoes,

and me oilskins, see?

[ GENTLE, QUAINT MUSIC ]

Hello, Willy.

Miss Jane!

Here, take this, will you?

Where's Grandpa?

Sir Maximilian's in the drawing room.

Thanks.

But what do you wish me to do with this?

Now, Willy.

Well, what is it, my man?

Your man is a girl and the girl is your granddaughter.

We don't bother with things like that.

Go and see--

great Scott!

Relax, darling, I got dunked in the harbour.

- Dunked in the harbour? - It was an accident, I think.

You haven't walked through the town like that.

It was either this, or in the nude.

You know, Jane, at times, you make it difficult

for me to keep my dignity at all!

Fiddle-faddle.

You didn't even recognize me, so what chance anyone else?

And Grandpa, is the Sherwood getting a new captain tomorrow?

Sherwood?

Because if she is, that's all I wanted to know.

But if she isn't, I'm starting a vendetta tomorrow.

No, no, you can't do anything tomorrow,

I need you here.

The parliamentary private secretary

of the first lord's coming, and I--

But I promised to dingy over to Sue--

I need you here to be nice to him!

Oh, how awful.

Ehm, what's his name?

Wait a moment. Willy!

He's booked a room at the Harbour Hotel,

but I think we ought to ask him to stay here, you know.

Willy!

So sorry, sir, I was just getting rid of something for--

- What's this man's name? - That's your granddaughter, sir.

No, not this man, the MP fellow.

Oh, the PPS, Baker, sir.

- Ah! - Tom Baker.

Baker, that's it, yes. Thank you very much.

You may be pretty interested to hear,

that he's a sort of distant cousin of mine.

Well, I never knew anyone that wasn't.

Oh, and by the way, I've also invited

that awful bore, Tompkinson, to meet him.

This is gonna be the good ol' tea party.

No, my idea, you see, I thought Tompkinson,

and it's gone again.

- Baker, sir. - Ah, thanks, surely.

Baker, they might bore each other by talking,

you see, while I get my meal.

Good idea, yes.

I don't think they'll have very much in common, sir.

Sir Henry's a socialist MP.

Of course he's a socialist. What else could he be?

He wants to marry my sister,

what sort of fool do you think that makes him?

- Your brother-in-law, sir. - Exactly.

Now, Jane, in case this mister--

- Baker, sir. - I know the name.

Comes to dinner, put on something a little more dignified.

- I'll wear my white bikini. - Heh, yes. White suits you.

Now--

You see, sir, Mr. Baker's a nephew

of old Lord McGull, the fourth earl.

Now, his eldest son by his third wife was my father,

and Mr. Baker's mother--

Ah, this is most interesting, I quite agree,

but don't trouble me with the sordid details.

By the way, you might ring up the Harbour Hotel, and--

[ JAUNTY MUSIC ]

Would you take that case in, please?

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

Yes, yes, right away. I'll call you back.

- Page! - Yes, sir.

Mr. Baker.

- See if he's arrived. - Yes, sir.

Paging Mr. Baker!

Paging Mr. Baker!

You've found him.

- Mr. Baker? - Yes.

- You're wanted at the desk, sir. - Thank you.

- You want me? Tom Baker - Ah, yes, sir.

Admiralty House have been calling,

want to know the moment you arrive.

Well, you had a message to say that I'm arriving late.

- I have? - Yes, and later,

there's a do not disturb notice on the door.

There is?

But you'll give me the message first thing in the morning.

I see. Well, perhaps when you do arrive,

you'll sign here, sir, room 14.

I'll sign now!

It's just that I can't face Admiralty House

until I've got my strength back.

Quite understand, sir.

You can't possible understand,

unless you've been in the navy or in parliament.

Oilskins for Lieutenant Commander Peter Fraser.

Thank you. Page?

Peter Fraser, I don't believe it.

My height, dark hair?

About my age?

That's a pretty fair description.

Page, take these upstairs to

Lieutenant Commander Fraser, room 16.

Room 16! No, let me take 'em, will you?

But do you know the lieutenant commander?

Know him?

If it's the right Fraser, this is the biggest meeting

since Stanley found Dr. Livingstone.

Okay, Harold, home you go.

Well, I'm rather glad about that.

I'm sorry, I'm late. Anything I should know?

- It's all on the pad. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, except Mr. Tom Baker, who's just arrived,

hasn't arrived yet, and is upstairs with Dr. Livingstone.

[ WHIMSICAL TUNE ]

[ QUAINT, CURIOUS MUSIC ]

Oh, excuse me, I seem to be lost.

The notice says 13 to 19,

but that's number 11, and that one's number 10.

Oh, no, that's not 10, that's 18,

only the top of the eight broke off.

Broke off.

And that's not 11, that's 17,

only the top of the seven broke off.

[ CHUCKLES ] I suppose it can in the best hotel.

- What room do you want? - Number 16.

There we are.

Oh, this one's number nine.

Oh, no, that's a six, but it keeps slipping down,

and the one got lost or something.

This floor seems to have had rather a bashing, doesn't it?

Yes, it was that week the American fleet was in.

[ CHUCKLES ] I see.

[ KNOCKING ]

Oh!

He won't be able to hear you. He's in the bath.

You don't run conducted tours of the waxworks, too, do you?

No, I don't need any nylons, chewing gum,

or American cigarettes either.

I'll bet you don't.

[ PETER SINGING ]

Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

PETER: Eh?

There's a bundle of oilskins for you.

Oilskins? Oilskins!

- Well, bring 'em up! - They are up!

Is there a note with them?

- There doesn't seem to be. - Well, undo them!

Certainly, sir. You wish me to have them pressed for you?

No, no, no, to see if there's a note inside, you fool.

I don't much like being called a fool, sir.

Did a young lady bring them?

Not unless she was wearing a crash helmet.

Crash helmet?

There doesn't seem to be a note, sir.

Oh, blast. Okay.

You'll find some change on the table.

Take a shilling.

Oh, that's extremely decent of you.

Is there any sort of a valley in this place?

Tom Baker!

- Peter Fraser, how are you? - Ha, ha, blow me down!

- What is it, 11 years? - Piccadilly Circus, V-J night.

You climbed up on the top of Veer House,

and stuck a tin receptacle on his head.

And you sat on a fountain in Trafalgar Square,

told the policeman you're a ping pong ball.

The very thought of it makes me thirsty.

Me too. The bell's there, the one marked waiter.

Well, well, so they've made you a lieutenant commander.

Yes, they have. I take over the Sherwood tomorrow.

But what are you doing here?

Well, I'm a sort of advance man.

Advance man? Oh, what's that?

Well, you know before the circus comes to town,

they always send an advance man to pave the way.

You mean you're part of a circus?

Well, in a way. I'm with the admiralty.

The admiralty?

You're talking to the parliamentary

private secretary to the first lord.

- Are you kidding? - There's nothing to kid about.

The first lord is due here the day after tomorrow

to sound out the admiral about a new chief of staff.

I come on ahead to, what is it they say in your vernacular?

See that everything is shipshape.

Then heaven help our native land.

I can probably have you clapped in irons for that.

[ KNOCKING ] Yeah?

Someone ring the bell?

We actually rang for the waiter.

Oh, the waiter's gone off.

It's probably the warm weather.

What we really wanted was a drink.

Is it still gin and water, Peter?

Oh, yes.

A bottle of gin, and charge it to me, room 14, please.

Oh, I'm afraid they don't allow drinks in the rooms anymore.

We'll go down to the bar.

- No, we want to be alone. - We do?

- Will you drink scotch? - I'll drink anything.

Well, I've got half a bottle in my room.

Thank you so much for your trouble.

- Here's a shilling. - Oh, thank you.

Don't thank me, thank the lieutenant commander.

[ DOOR SHUTTING ]

And why do we want to be alone?

Because I want you to help me.

You want some duty free cigarettes.

I'm not kidding, Pete.

I want you to brush me up on social conditions in the navy.

I've got a memorandum here to discuss with the old man,

and it would help me if you'd give me the lowdown

on the chaps below the stairs, the serfs below the waterline.

[ CHUCKLING ] you know, I just can't understand it.

How can such a thing happen?

- Such a what thing? - How can you get such a job?

Well, as member of parliament

for Wormsgurk in two consecutive elections--

Yes, but PPS to the first lord.

Well, it's just the luck of the draw.

Take the minister of transport, for instance.

This year's road casualty figures have been so enormous,

they're thinking of making him minister of war.

At least there's a tie up.

You don't know anything about the navy.

That's why you're going to teach me!

Is that so?

The debate will be continued in room 14.

Well, to start with, a ship has two ends.

The sharp end, and the blunt end.

[ TRUMPET BLASTS ]

Now, Pete, the point is, the first lord's a devil for a fall.

He says that everything needs shaking up.

Starting with me.

No, but you can help me, as I can help you.

Right back into the ranks, room 14.

All I'm asking is that you suggest some reforms

that I can suggest to him.

In other words, you want me to stir it up.

I wouldn't quite put it like that.

That's how the court martial will put it.

[ DOOR THUMPS ]

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC ]

[ KNOCKING]

I got the gin for you.

I had to pour it in a water jug,

to get it past the house keep.

There's a new gentleman in room 14.

Get clean towels and sheets.

Right away, ma'am.

You must have read it all in the papers.

Battleships or bombers.

The cabinet's going to appoint a new chief of naval staff,

and 15 admirals are about to get their cards and coppers.

Look Tom, glad as I am to see you again--

No glasses!

There are glasses in my room.

The debate will be continued in room 16.

Psst! You've got it.

That's very nice of you, so have you.

You know, what you wanted.

- Nelly! - Yes, ma'am?

Will you please hurry up with those sheets?

Right away, ma'am.

I don't understand you, Pete.

Haven't you ever wanted to tell the C-in-C a thing or two?

There are times when every sailor

would like to tell him a thing or two,

sometimes a thing or three. I've got some glasses.

Here's your opportunity to tell him through me.

- Water? - Ah-ah.

You've forgotten our drinking habits.

Neat with a chaser.

Well, here's to new boats.

- Ship. - Ship!

I see you can do it.

Ah, yes, but I no longer sit on fountains.

Look, Tom, I'll give you any tips I can,

but reform is your job.

Mine is to be an officer, and do my duty.

Lieutenant Commander Fraser, has it occurred to you,

in a way, I'm your boss?

That is the most unkindest cut of all.

[ CLINKING ]

[ COUGHING]

[ POUNDING ] [ GROANING ]

Have some water.

[ COUGHING ]

- Gin? - Gin.

[ WHEEZING ] Get some water, quick!

Water it down.

Water it down, right down.

[ WHEEZING ] Fresh air!

[ INHALING ]

Wrong.

The whole thing's ridiculous.

Place is rocking like a ship.

Who put gin in the wattle botter?

Empty stomachs, that's the trouble.

[ CHUCKLING ] [ THUDDING ]

Empty stomachs, empty stomachs!

[ LAUGHING ]

You mustn't sit down, that's fatal.

Got to keep moving around. Drink this.

Water it right down.

[ CHUCKLING ]

[ COUGHING AND WHEEZING ]

[ GLASSES CLATTERING ]

[ WHEEZING ] Uh! Oh! Pull ourselves together!

Uh, coffee! We gotta get coffee.

[ COUGHING ]

[ LAUGHING ]

This is serious! [ CHUCKLING ]

[ BUZZING ]

♪ Life on the ocean wave.

[ DRUNKEN SINGING ]

♪ The ocean wave,

♪ Is better than life at sea ♪

You rang the bell?

- The bell? - Coffee!

Where's the coffee?

♪ Life on the ocean wave. ♪ Terrible service!

Do you realize that this is the parliamentary private secretary?

- Precisely! - Sir!

Coffee! Get coffee express.

Express-O coffee, you pretty little thing, you.

[ NELLY SQUEALS ]

♪ A life on the ocean wave. ♪

As a member of parliament for Wormscake--

Wormsgurk!

I declare this room well and truly lost.

♪ Good life on the ocean wave,

♪ A life on the ocean wave, Life on the ocean wave,

♪ Better than life. ♪

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC ]

Stand still, number one,

you're swaying about like a jellyfish,

you sloven-looking thing.

[ KNOCKING ] As captain of HMS Walscott,

at ease, I am wishing to ask you,

why did you put gin in the ship's water?

Answer me, number one!

Inside, you plop, not outside!

- You mutinous dog! - Carry on, admiral!

Carry on what?

That's true in the navy, when in doubt, carry on.

Splendid. And what can I do for you, number two?

- It's your coffee, sir. - You beautiful number two!

Carry on, number two!

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't I salute number two?

Not like that, sure,

to commission her outside a cinema.

You're an officer and a gentleman. Like that.

No, no, no, no!

You are in no fit condition, number one.

No fit condition at all.

Peter, we must sleep this off.

This is absolutely ridiculous!

So, which room is the captain's room?

16.

- And which one is this? - 16.

Good night.

[ SNORING ]

[ SHIP HORN BLOWING ]

[ HOOTING ]

I don't know. All these labels,

you'd think the public were a lotta goof nuts.

This is a gun turret, this is a quarter deck,

this is a torpedo tube.

This is a flipping big torpedo tube.

- [ OFFICER ] Parker? - Sir!

Find Lieutenant Lashwood and tell him that his--

- Oh, good morning, sir. - Good morning.

Your car's waiting on the dock, sir.

Thank you.

All this must be finished before the new captain gets here.

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Dobson is coming with me,

but I want the ship's company on parade,

ready to pipe the new captain to board at 09:30.

When do we open to visitors?

10 o'clock, sir.

Well, better rope off the captain's quarters.

He won't want sight-seers his first morning.

Aye-aye, sir.

Did you ring his hotel?

Yes, but he wasn't answering phones.

Then, our shoreline went dead.

Casey's fixing it.

You don't suppose he'll resent being picked up?

Not when he hears today's schedule.

The public, the first lord, and a new captain, all in one week.

What are they trying to do, break our spirit?

- Harbour Hotel, please. - Yes, sir.

[ QUAINT MUSIC ]

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

Lieutenant Commander Fraser, please.

- Oh, are you the gentlemen-- - Lieutenant Lashwood.

Ah, yes, we've been ringing his room,

but he still doesn't answer.

Perhaps we ought to go up.

Uh, I understand the lieutenant commander

was a little, shall we say, jubilant last night,

so he may be, shall we say--

- Sleeping it off. - Shall we say.

- What number, please? - 16, first floor.

Thank you. [ PHONE RINGING ]

Harbour Hotel. With Mr. Thomas Baker?

Yes, he's here, but I can't ring him yet.

I understand he has a "do not disturb" sign on his door.

In fact, he has three.

Good morning, can you tell me where room 16 is, please?

- Oh, yes, just down there. - Oh, thank you.

[ KNOCKING ] Captain, sir?

[ KNOCKING ] Captain?

- Have you got a key? - A key?

You're not shore police, are you?

Don't you know a vice admiral when you see one?

Vice? Ooh.

[ LOCK RATTLING ] Come on, come on.

[ SNORING ]

Uh, sir.

This is a fine start to an auspicious day.

All right, action stations. And open that window,

this room smells like a distillery.

Uh, Captain.

Captain, sir.

Wake up. Time to get up, sir.

Seems a shame to wake him, the head he's gonna have.

Well, we must get him on board the Sherwood

before the visitors start arriving.

Get a wet towel.

Will be the first time they piped a horizontal captain aboard.

[ GROANING ] Sir?

- What? - Good morning, sir.

I'm Lashwood, your number one,

and this is Sublieutenant Dobson.

[ TOM GROANING ] Ohh, where's my head?

Take it easy, sir, you'll be all right.

LASHWOOD: Sorry to wake you like this, sir,

but we thought it wiser.

- Who're you? - Lieutenant Lashwood, sir.

- We have a car downstairs. - A car?

- What's the time? - Just after nine, sir.

- After nine? I shall be late!

If you feel up to leaving right away, sir,

we can just about manage it.

Right away? [ CHUCKLES ]

I haven't shaved, and I can't meet the C-in-C

with a nine o'clock shadow.

Oh, we shan't see the C-in-C till later, sir.

There's some coffee here, sir. It's cold, but it might help.

Oh, thank you so much.

- Get the captain some-- - That's very kind.

It's awfully good of you to come and pick me up, Driftwood.

- Lashwood, sir. - Mhm!

Don't you think that I make a regular occurrence to this.

No, of course not, sir.

- Comb, sir? - Oh, thank you.

I can hold my whiskey with the best of them.

I'm sure you can, sir.

It was those gin chasers.

Gin chasers?

I wouldn't like the C-in-C or the first lord to see--

Suffering cats, this uniform!

Don't worry, sir. We'll get it pressed when you get back.

It's 9:10, sir.

- Yes, and we must go. - I can't go like this!

Sir, we know you slept in it,

but I can assure you, nobody else will.

But I gotta get out of this--

Go now, you may run smack into the visitors.

- The visitors? - It's visitors' day, sir.

And from 10 o'clock, they'll be swarming all over the place.

- That'd be terrible, I-- - It's very important, sir.

Yes, but are you quite sure it's wise?

Yes, sir, we'll help you.

Now, now, wait, you're rushing me,

and only half my head is working.

I'm sure you wouldn't want to walk into the public like this.

Heaven forbid, but I must have a word with, uh,

I can't remember the room number.

It's 9:20, sir.

Look, sir, you can send her a message later.

I don't want to send a message. Who's her?

Look, what's all the hurry about?

Surely I can sneak in the back way or something.

Sir, the first lord may descend on us at any moment.

He doesn't arrive until tomorrow.

We don't know that for certain, sir.

But we do.

Send Commander Fraser's luggage and bill to the Sherwood.

- I haven't paid for my bill. - All taken care of, sir.

[ TOM GROANING ]

Hi.

All right, Jones, jump to it.

Yes, sir!

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

[ CAR DOORS THUDDING ]

Is Lieutenant Commander Fraser in?

To be perfectly honest with you, I don't know.

If he's in, then somebody else is out.

If he's out, then somebody else is in.

As somebody else.

I couldn't care less whether he's in or out, or up or down.

- I want my oilskins. - Your oilskins.

Yes, she said she'd send them back to him,

so he'd get 'em back to me.

I see.

I think perhaps the safest move would be for you

to contact the lieutenant commander on the Sherwood.

That's one place he's certain to get to eventually.

Can you beat it, eh? I said send 'em back to me.

No, he said, you might be out 'round the lightship.

Tryin' get 'round back with a skirt,

he was, making cow eyes at her.

You could see he got the quivers.

- His mouth his open, anything-- - Yes, yes, HMS Sherwood.

Thank you, cook.

Here, you better relax. You got the quivers, too!

[ WHIMSICAL TUNE ]

[ DEEP BREATHING ]

Feeling better, sir?

Yes, much better, thank you. [ GROANS ]

That was some bout. How much further?

Just coming into the dockyard now, sir.

The dockyard?

Good morning, sir.

Lieutenant Commander Fraser, HMS Sherwood.

Carry on, sir, please.

Now, wait a minute, you don't understand, I--

You've gotta stop this car immediately!

I know just how you feel, sir.

Only a couple of hundred yards to go.

Try and hold out.

You shouldn't have said that.

[ ENGINE CAR STOPS ]

Easy does it, sir.

[ WHIMSICAL TUNE ]

NAVY MAN: Ship's company!

Ship's company, front!

[ BOOTS STOMPING ]

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

I must get to a telephone, do you understand?

It's imperative that I get to a telephone.

Don't worry about a thing, sir.

There's a shoreline in your cabin.

But I--

Right, get me there quick.

[ CLATTERING ]

[ WHISTLES BLOWING ]

Very nice, well done.

Telephone.

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

- Downstairs? - Downstairs.

[ CLUNKING AND CLATTERING ]

- Are you all right, sir? - Yes, yes, thank you.

Lucky you didn't break anything, sir.

It's this sword which keeps getting between my legs.

Would you be kind enough to put it in the cloak room?

Thank you so much.

- Your cabin's down there, sir. - Yes.

Your luggage came yesterday.

- What about the telephone? - In your cabin, sir.

Oh, yes, perhaps the waiter could get me some coffee.

- Black, sir? - Jet black.

- What's he doing? - Sir.

We had a line fall this morning, sir.

- Not fixed yet, Casey? - Nearly, sir.

- Should he carry on, sir? - Oh, yes, carry on.

Let everybody carry on, just as if I wasn't here.

Perhaps you'd care to join us in the wardroom, sir.

Yes, I'd like, no, I think it'd be safer.

Oh, better if I stay here.

I hope your quarters are all right, sir.

Oh, yes, very snug.

Perhaps somebody might open the window.

[ SCREWDRIVER CLUNKS ]

Yes, sir.

[ KNOCKING ]

- First visitors aboard, sir. - Thank you, sergeant.

- Any further orders, sir? - No, no, do what you always do.

Give them tea, crumpets, anything you like.

Tea and crumpets, sir?

Well, the tax payer's got to be allowed

to inspect his property sooner or later.

Scratch the paint, chuck cigarette ends around.

Yes, sir.

They've all got votes, you know.

Carry on, number one! [ GROANS ]

- Carry on. - Yes, sir.

- And you carry on, too. - Yes, sir, aye-aye, sir.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

DOBSON: How is he?

You ask me, he's still tight.

Stale tight, that's the only explanation.

Looks like we've got a bottle-a-day man.

I wonder if I could transfer to another ship.

I don't think I can stand six months of this.

We'd better keep it from the ratings.

Anyone asks, he's got the flu.

Full of penicillin.

Charles!

Lieutenant!

Ahh!

Morning, Dobby.

Oh, good morning, Miss Lashwood.

Morning, brother.

- Will you come to lunch? - Darling, I can't. May I?

Of course.

Jane Godfrey's invited me to Admiralty House.

Isn't it exciting?

I'm gonna meet Thomas Baker, the new PPS to the first lord.

- Is that so exciting? - It is for me.

Susan won't rest until she's on the board of the admiralty.

And the board of the admiralty could do with a woman.

You're speaking theoretically, I trust.

Come on, where is he?

- Where is who? - The new exhibit!

Shh, Susan, please!

Well, you don't think I've driven all this way

just to take a look at you two.

If you're referring to the new captain, he's in his cabin.

Then, I'm gonna take a peak!

Susan!

Miss Lashwood, Miss Lashwood!

He's a little under the weather.

Oh, sticky night.

- Whiskey with gin chasers.

Well, at least he's got colour.

It's a Gray-green one this morning.

Then, you can both give me a drink in the wardroom.

- Oh, here, wait! - Wait a minute, wait!

Why, what's the matter?

I'd like to try a whiskey and gin chaser.

Susan, for heaven's sake!

Oh, hello, sir.

Did you want anything?

No, no, he's still fixing the telephone.

I thought perhaps I'd take

a breather upstairs, if you don't mind.

Oh, this is my sister, sir.

How do you do, Mrs. Lashwood?

- Susan. - Susan!

Would you like to have a drink with us, sir?

No, I'll keep an eye on the telephone.

But you said they were still fixing it.

Come on, I've driven all this way just to take a look at you.

- You have? - Susan--

Oh, shush, I know all about the captain.

Do you?

I looked you up in the navy list.

You were in Russian convoys and submarines during the war.

I was in Russian convoys, yes, I think I will have a drink.

Fine! [ CHUCKLES ]

Were you in the August the 15th show, sir?

Dive bombers were pretty hot, weren't they?

Well, actually, I found the intense cold was the worst.

What, in August?

Oh, yes, it's freezing in Finland all the year 'round.

Perpetual darkness, thank you, sir.

Excuse me, sir, there's a private launch alongside.

The cockswain's acting for Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

Well, does he want?

- Oilskins, sir. - Oilskins?

He says that you borrowed his oilskins.

Yes, that's right, it was raining.

Ask him to come back later, I haven't unpacked yet.

Dobby, you'd better say to this.

I really must get back to the telephone.

It's a most urgent call. If you'll excuse me.

[ PEOPLE MURMURING ]

[ THUD ]

It's a silly thing to have in a boat.

- Well, for heaven's sake. - That's putting it mildly!

Does one go to Finland with a Russian convoy?

One does not, he's raving!

Pity, he's rather attractive.

I think I'll stick around for a while.

Don't you want to get ready for this Baker character?

But there's plenty of time. Willy's just left to pick him up!

Can I get you a drink, miss?

Yes, I'll have a whiskey and gin chaser.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

[ SIGHS ]

Give me a cigarette, will you?

You're already smoking, sir.

Oh, yes, so I am.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

From Admiralty House, Mr. Thomas Baker.

Oh, yes, you're the gentleman who's been calling.

- He's not still sleeping? - I'll try him again.

Perhaps he's dead.

[ PHONE RINGING ]

[ DEEP BREATHING ]

[ PHONE RINGING ]

Hello.

Hello?

[ CLACKS ]

All right, all right, I'm coming.

[ PHONE RINGING ]

[ GROANS ]

Hello? [ RATTLING ]

Please. [ RATTLING ]

Please, a little quieter.

Now, what were you saying?

Oh, excuse me, sir.

The commander-in-chief's flag lieutenant is here for you.

Yes, I'm quite sure.

Good morning, sir!

I brought the C-in-C's car for you!

The C-in-C's car?

Good Lord, does he know about it?

He ordered it?

Oh, well, you better come right up.

Yes.

[ PHONE CLICKING ] The C-in-C?

[ EERIE TUNE ]

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC ]

Oh, Peter Fraser, you were stinking last night.

[ DIZZYING TUNE ]

[ KNOCKING ]

Come in.

Oh.

- It's me, sir! - Hello.

I'm very honoured to meet you, sir.

I'm very honoured to meet you.

This is very civil of the admiral.

He checked up you didn't have transport of your own.

Is this part of the new navy reforms?

[ LAUGHING ] That's very good.

- Is it? - Naval reforms.

Oh, well, I'll be right back.

I've just to see somebody down the passage.

- Ah-haa! - No, no, wrong sex.

Be right back.

[ DYNAMIC MUSIC ]

Oh, good morning. Where's Mr. Baker?

Oh, who's he?

The gentleman who was here last night.

There were so many people in here last night.

No, no, no, dear, the tall, thin one.

He was in here with me.

- In uniform? - Yes, part of the time.

- Oh, he's gone. - Gone?

Gone where?

Well, don't ask me, the vice admiral

came in and took him away.

Vice admiral?

Holy cats!

[ FRANTIC MUSIC ]

How long will it take to get there?

- About 10 minutes. - Right, let's go.

We're in a great hurry.

Oh, send my bill to the ship.

The ship?

HMS Sherwood, Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

Good morning.

[ PHONE RINGING ]

Harbour Hotel? Who?

Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

No, he went out this morning.

Or just now.

All right then, put me through to Mr. Baker.

It's absolutely imperative that I speak to him.

Gone where? Admiralty House?

[ CLICKING ] Hello!

Get me Admiralty house, priority.

[ KNOCKING] Who is it?

Who is it?

- Your coffee, sir. - Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much. [ COIN CLINKS ]

Carry on.

[ CAR RUMBLING ]

There won't be any piping aboard,

or anything of that, will there?

Oh, no. The admiral's saving all that for the first lord.

Finally, I can change these clothes.

Here we are.

But this isn't the dockyard.

Good Lord, no. This is Admiralty House.

Huh?

[ BIRDS SINGING ]

I don't want Admiralty House, I want to go to--

Welcome aboard, Mr. Baker!

Welcome aboard. Thank heavens for the sense of humour.

One needs one these days, eh? [ LAUGHS ]

Oh, this is my flag lieutenant. Oh, you-- you've met him.

Well, don't stand dogging there.

- Bring him in! - Yes, sir.

Look, sir, I don't know--

Not another word until you've made your phone call.

Bring him in, Willy, bring him in.

- Phone call? - [ CHUCKLING ] Yes.

But sir, what you don't understand--

Two minutes ago from the Sherwood.

- Sherwood? - Most urgent, priority.

What was his name, Willy?

Baker, sir.

No, not his name, the man that phoned!

- Oh, I wasn't here, sir. - Why are you never here?

Do you know, Fraser! I've got it.

Yes, Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

I thought of it, yes, Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

He said he wants you to call him on the ship right away.

- Where is he? - In the hall, sir.

What's he doing there? Mr. Baker!

Are you sure he said

Lieutenant Commander Fraser, sir?

Quite sure, he said it about eight times.

He was in quite a state.

Now, where would you like to take it?

Willy'll get it for you.

In the garden, here, or in the study?

My granddaughter's put telephones everywhere.

You'll even find one at the lavatory.

In the study, sir, if you don't mind.

Willy, in the study.

Well, well, this is a lovely surprise for us, Mr. Baker.

I suppose you and I'll have a lot

of interesting things to talk about.

I'm sure, sir.

You being so close to the first lord,

you could tell me some startling things! [LAUGHS ]

Make your hair curl, sir.

That's what we want, a shakeup!

Too many young whippersnappers,

thinking they know it all, ha ha!

Have a sherry?

No, thank you, sir, I won't drink.

- You won't drink? - This morning.

Willy, Willy!

Sir?

What are you doing?

Getting out to the Sherwood, sir.

Oh, yes, right then.

The man's a blithering idiot.

Oh, we're having lunch before we discuss

tomorrow's arrangement.

- A good idea, sir. - We'll luncheon in the garden,

if you're not allergic to flowers or anything.

Not to flowers, sir.

WILLY: Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

- Yes? - He's on the phone, sir.

Oh, yes, of course, the phone.

Excuse me.

[ PLAYFUL MUSIC ]

Hello?

Tom? What the devil are you doing there?

If it comes to that, what the devil are you doing there?

Yes, well, mine's an even longer story,

and I'm relying on you to shorten it as quickly as possible.

Yes, they think I'm you. My cabin! Your cabin.

Holy cats, you must get off that ship as quickly as possible.

Shut up a minute while I think.

[ KNOCKING ]

Yes, I'll inform the first lord about that,

just as soon as he arrives. Yes, that's what I said.

No, I'm not mad, somebody came in.

Now, you must go straight to the hotel.

The moment you get there, call me here.

Yes, then I'll join the ship, ball the tar out of them

for accepting you as an imposter, and start as you and cry for you.

You do the same this end.

It's not so get out of here.

Every time I want to go upstairs,

I have to pass the wardroom.

The boat's built so stupidly!

All right then, wait till she fills up a bit with visitors.

They have a marine band later, and then slip off.

But for Pete's sake, keep your head.

I can be court martialed for this.

And I can get thrown out of the government.

And more than that, you know what worries me?

This isn't the only place where they have visiting day.

If you think you have troubles, what about me?

I'm up to my naval handbook!

[ PHONE CLUNKS ]

Come in, Baker, come in.

- Everything all right? - For the moment, sir.

Well, I expect you two know each other already.

You're both members of the best club in London.

We are?

Isn't that what they call the House of Commons?

- Oh, the House of Commons. - No, I don't think we've met.

This is Sir Henry Tompkinson, our local member,

and this is mister, mister, uh--

I thought you both knew each other.

- Oh, I'm a new boy, sir. - Are you a maiden?

No, sir, I'm a new boy.

Yes, but have you made your maiden speech yet?

- Oh, yes, several times. - Strange, I haven't seen you.

Mister, uh, he's parliamentary

private secretary to the first lord.

PPS! Well, by George, this is a surprise!

It was to me.

Well, sit down, sit down,

and you can both talk yourselves--

- Sherry, sir? - Ah, yes.

So, Mr. Baker, you're a member of the present government, eh?

Well, only in a very small way.

No mind, I won't hold it against you.

What's your constituency?

Constituency? Oh, my constituency.

Wormsgurk.

Wormsgurk! By George, then you must have

unseated my old friend Fairfax.

Yes, I must.

Mr. Baker's a nephew of Lord McGull, sir,

the fourth earl.

His mother--

Yes, yes, he knows what his mother was.

Interesting! Then, you must be a relation

of my old friend Lady Rachel Crumper.

Well, only a distant one.

I suppose the poor old lady lives very quietly nowadays.

Yes, we practically never hear her at all.

Tell me.

Has that husband of hers pulled himself together,

or does he still suffer from bouts?

We try not to mention the subject.

Of course, of course, forgive me.

- Forget what I said. - With pleasure.

Gramps, I don't know what to do about lunch.

Susan hasn't arrived yet.

Lunch? Great Scott, eight bells already.

Well, well, if it isn't miss Jane,

and getting bonnier every day.

Several inches too bonny.

Do you know my granddaughter?

- I'd like to know her better. - And how is Sir Henry?

Still in the forefront of the battle?

Well, duty still calls, you know.

I've tried to retire, but the public won't let me go.

They nearly did last time, didn't they?

What was your majority, 27?

Certainly not. There was a recount.

- What was it, then? - 29.

Oh, pardon me.

Jane, we mustn't forget our guest of honour.

Where is he? Oh, there.

Mr. Baker? My granddaughter.

How do you do?

Fine, thanks. And you?

Willy, take that damn plant out of his face.

We were waiting for a girlfriend of mine

who's dying to meet you.

Oh, I wouldn't wait if I were you.

I'm so sorry.

Course not, wretched girl's late.

She can meet him some other time.

- Ring for lunch, will you? - Yes, sir.

This must be quite a surprise to you.

I mean, expect you expected Tom Baker

to be some fat, bald-headed old man.

I certainly never expected--

No! Of course not.

Just like you, I never expected

someone like you to be Admiral Neptune's granddaughter.

Admiral-- [ PHONE RINGING ]

Telephone. Must be for me.

Admiralty House.

Yes.

On board the Sherwood.

Yes. Very good.

A message from Mrs. Susan.

She says will you forgive her,

she's lunching on board the Sherwood,

with Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

Skol.

Skol. [ GLASS SHATTERS ]

What about this lunch, Willy?

[ BRASS BAND MUSIC ]

[ PEOPLE CHATTERING ]

Tea and crumpets.

If this ever gets around the harbour,

we'll never live it down.

The Cleopatra's already asked when we stop for tombola.

Where is he now?

Wandering around the ship somewhere.

I've stopped him half over the gangway twice.

Trying to make up my mind whether he's tight or balmy.

Look, mister! My kids want to see the torpedoes.

Torpedoes? Yes, along there on the port side.

Port side? That's where dad got those post cards!

Post cards?

Don't you talk about those post cards, Alfie!

[ DISCUSSING ]

- Lieutenant Commander! - [ CHUCKLES ] Hello!

What are you trying to do,

abandon ship or something?

Whatever makes you say that?

You haven't answered my question.

[ HE CHUCKLES ]

Why should I want to abandon ship?

You tell me.

Are you a dipso, a schizo or a nut?

I feel like all three.

Tell me, how much that you know?

Only that your geography is very shaky.

Finland and Russian convoys don't tie up!

And, uh--

You're wearing Gray socks.

Uh, come to my cabin.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute!

Please, I've got to tell someone or I'll bust.

I promise not to drug you or anything.

The truth, the whole truth?

So help me.

[ CRASHING, CLATTERING ]

Why don't they put proper banisters on the--

- Did you have to-- - Shh!

Susan, miss Susan,

I am not Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

More?

You know what this is?

It's a House of Commons pass.

It is, it's mine. I'm Thomas Baker.

- You know I had a hunch? - You did?

Baker, the parliament pinup. The lady wins a cigar.

Well, how did you hunch?

Intuition, maybe, or coincidence.

I've seen your picture somewhere,

and I was supposed to lunch with you

at Admiralty House today.

That would have been wonderful.

Instead, I lunched with you here.

That was terrible.

But what are you doing on this ship?

Trying to get off it!

But every time I try, somebody tries to stop me!

- What's that? - What's what?

The band stopped playing. Why's the band stopped?

Probably for breath, you've had them playing since noon.

You see what a state I'm in.

Susan, you have a beautiful face, a kind face.

Don't ever give it away. The game, I mean.

That depends on your story.

After all, it's your brother's job to find me out, not yours.

So far, he only thinks you're tight.

Susan. Sit down.

The story goes back to the time when I was a ping pong ball,

on a fountain in Trafalgar Square.

[ PEOPLE CHATTERING ]

- Excuse me, sir. - Yes?

- Signal for the captain. - Well, I'm not the captain.

No, sir. Can't find him, sir.

- Have you tried his cabin? - No, sir.

Try that, if he's not there, bring it back to me.

Aye-aye, sir.

Now, what can that be? More trouble?

You mean we can have more?

[ SUSAN LAUGHING ]

And you mean he's at Admiralty House now?

Yes, and he's waiting for me to get to the hotel!

I can't wait to see the admiral's face!

Susan, I put my trust in you!

Relax, we're going to get you off the ship.

You know, I could kiss you for this.

No, you're going to go up on deck,

and in a few minutes, I'll come up,

and ask you to escort me to my car.

You wouldn't like to be my parliamentary

private secretary, would you?

- Jump to it, man! - Jump to it, man!

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

[ PEOPLE CHATTERING ]

Oh, excuse me, would you?

Sir, captain's--

- Not in his cabin, sir. - All right.

Sir.

Ah, this is all we need.

Signal to all ships, first lord's in port now.

Wasn't that tomorrow?

Oh, that's what he likes doing.

Catches everyone on the hop.

You can say that again.

Oh, captain, sir!

[ CHUCKLES ] Number one!

Signal just received, sir. The first lord's here.

- What, on board? - No, sir, ashore.

But this is terrible!

[ CHUCKLES ] Terribly good news.

I tell you they're fired by gun powder!

No, it's not, compressed air!

I'll compress you in a moment!

Now, we've had quite enough of this nonsense.

Look, mister, will you come and settle this argument,

or they'll be at it all day!

Lashwood!

Will you be quiet? Now then, listen!

[ CHUCKLES ] Well, now, boys,

what is it you want to know?

He says that torpedoes are fired by gunpowder!

And he says it's compressed air!

Yes, and you want to know which is right.

- FAMILY: Yes! - Ehm--

Tell them, number one.

Well, the torpedo itself is discharged

- by gunpowder charge. - Gunpowder charge.

- Carriage swings out. - Swings out.

- How? - Swings out.

- How? - Yes, well--

Show them, number one!

- Yes, sir. - Yes.

Come on, follow me.

[ CHUCKLES ] Discharged by gunpowder.

You knew, of course. We're just showing them how.

Yes.

Would you like to explain, sir?

No, no! Carry on, number one.

Well, they're all controlled from here.

If you press this switch, it swings them out.

Yes, this one here.

[ WHIRRING ] You see?

It swings them out!

They're generally fired from the bridge,

but they can be fired from that switch there.

- That one there. - Don't touch it!

[ BOOMING ]

[ SPLASHING ]

[ FRANTIC MUSIC ]

There's a boat going right across its course, sir.

To port, you fools, to port! Can't the idiot see?

It's-- it's the first lord's barge!

- What? - What?

[ BLAST ]

[ KIDS CHEERING ]

- The first lord. - Yes, it's all right.

He's in the water. He's up.

He's down. He's up.

Get a boat, quick! Admiral's launch!

Sub, blankets, first aid!

[ HONORIFIC MUSIC ]

Excuse me, sir, could I speak to you urgently?

Can I help?

When we go below, sir, as quickly as possible, sir.

Excuse me.

I'm really most terribly sorry.

- It went off in my hand! - Yes, I'm sure, sir.

It was a silly thing to happen. I'm so sorry!

You're not angry, are you? [ DOOR SLAMS ]

Lashwood!

Lashwood, open this door!

[ SLAMS ]

What are you doing, number one?

[ KNOCKING ] I said I was sorry!

Number one, open the door!

Lashwood!

Boat away, sir!

Now, get a doctor down for captain.

I think he's gone balmy. Sub? Send this in.

Lieutenant Commander Fraser, suffering from hallucinations,

impounded and unable to discharge his duties.

I'm making arrangements to transfer from ship

to hospital for observation.

Have assumed command, and await your instructions.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ FRANTIC MUSIC ]

Now look, doctor.

I realize that I'm in a uniform that I shouldn't be in,

on a boat that I shouldn't have been on,

and that I fired a torpedo that I shouldn't have fired.

But the fact remains, I am Thomas Baker,

parliamentary private secretary to the first lord.

And when did you first feel this?

Feel what?

This delusion of dual personality.

Delusion of-- there's nothing dual about me, doctor!

I'm Thomas Baker, parliamentary

private secretary to the first lord!

- Yes! - Yes.

Fine, now just come over here, will you, Fraser?

I'm not Lieutenant Commander Fraser, I'm Thomas Baker!

Yes, we have all that down. We want to go on from there,

and back from there. Lie down, Fraser.

I don't want to lie down!

- Would you tell me your story? - I can tell it standing up!

Well, just lie down and relax.

You'll find it much easier to think lying down.

What we don't want you to get is a guilt complex about this.

You're not the only one who feels this way.

I know, there's another one at Admiralty House.

Exactly.

There are other ones all around us, Fraser.

Once we realize that, we're halfway home!

Now, let's try and probe back,

and find out where it all started.

It all started in Trafalgar Square on V-J night.

What were you doing?

I was sitting on-- no, this'll get us nowhere.

You mustn't feel ashamed of this, Fraser.

I assure you, we run into cases like yours every day.

- I very much doubt it. - Oh, but we do.

We ferret out the problem, and nail it down,

you'll know exactly what to do!

Look, all I want to do is get out of this uniform,

and back into civilian clothes!

Exactly. This fixation that you're a civilian,

stems from a frustrated subconscious desire

to get out of the navy.

I am not in the navy and I never was in the navy!

Now, Fraser, Fraser, you must not get upset.

We're all here to help you.

You're not helping me, you're driving me nuts!

Now, let's try and think back, shall we?

When did you first begin to hate the first lord?

I don't hate him.

He became the focal point of your inward struggle,

the man who in your mind represented the authority

you wished to cast aside.

I'm not trying to cast anything aside.

I work for the first lord.

I don't hate him, I respect him a lot!

Yet you had this urge to destroy him.

Doctor, I keep telling you, I pressed the button by mistake!

I didn't know it was loaded!

I didn't know the first lord was in the bay!

Doctor, I'm trying to control myself,

but I'm finding it very difficult,

and I warn you, if you go on, I may go mad,

and I might do something rather peculiar.

- Drink this, you'll feel better. - No thank you.

It's really quite harmless.

I've read about those, they give them to girls.

It's only a sedative.

Yes, that's what they're all told.

Then they wind up dancing in a nightclub in Buenos Aires.

As you wish.

Sir?

Oh, Lieutenant Commander Fraser's

to be placed in the observation ward.

He's to have tea, soft drinks, anything he requires,

- but no stimulants. - Yes, sir.

Now, look!

Those things that were taken out of my pockets,

there was a House of Commons pass!

We never go through personal belongings, sir.

But I want you to go through my personal belongings!

It's against the regulations.

Doctor, tell him to go through my personal belongings!

Now, you just toddle along upstairs, Fraser.

We'll have you straightened out in no time at all.

There's a good, sir.

Mustn't feel there's anything to be ashamed of, sir.

I'm not ashamed, and I'm not fixated.

I keep telling you, I'm Thomas Baker,

parliamentary private secretary to the first lord!

I want to send a signal to Admiralty House.

[ BUSTLING MUSIC ]

[ HENRY LAUGHING ]

So I said to him I consider your government,

the greatest national disaster since 1066.

Gladstone.

[ CLEARING THROAT ]

Grandpa, Willy wants you.

[ CHUCKLES ] Give him a nudge, will you?

What, me nudge him?

Well, you're the senior officer at this table.

[ LAUGHING ]

Excuse me, sir, this is rather urgent.

- Not now, Willy, later. - But sir, this is rather--

No, not now, we're about to have lunch.

We've just finished lunch, Gramps.

Course we have.

Willy, you're a fool. Go away.

Well, I don't like to be the type

that rushes off right after lunch,

but the town council calls at 2:30.

Oh, must you go? Get Sir Henry's hat, Willy.

Nice of you to have had us.

Yes.

Well, Mr. Baker, it's been a pleasure to have met you.

I hope and look forward to crossing swords

with you in the House.

Yes, much better in the house.

Too many flies and bugs here, I can't stand it.

My dear. Old in years, but young in spirit.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Miss Jane, please.

I don't know what you're thinking.

Well, aren't you lucky?

When I told you I was Peter Fraser--

You were lying, that's all right.

I'm not really Neptune's daughter, either.

Jane!

Well, so you had a better offer, eh?

You won't resent a minute when I tell you I had the most--

ohh!

- Are you-- - This is Mr. Thomas Baker.

- Is it, now? - How do you do?

Susan Lashwood. Her brother's number one on the Sherwood.

At this moment, he's captain.

Oh, the captain's left the ship.

Left it, they've battened him down in his cabin

with a guard on the door!

What have they done that for?

This'll interest, Mr. Baker. Do you know what he did?

- He fired a torpedo. - He did what?

Oh, well, did he hit anything?

Only the first lord's barge.

Oh, no. No! This is just a dream.

Just a crazy dream.

- Mr. Baker? - Sir?

Baker, come here, I want to talk to you.

Yes, sir.

Whatever happens, I want you to know--

Baker, Baker, Baker.

I want me to know, too.

And I'm just the girl to tell you.

Once upon a time--

Shut the window, I can't listen to those gabbing females.

Now, come and tell me the whole story.

The whole? You mean you know?

Of course I know, I'm not a fool.

Have a cigar.

Well, that's extremely generous of you, sir.

- Ehem. - Go away, Willy.

I'm talking.

Now, right from the beginning.

The beginning.

Well, sir, it all started on V-J night.

V-J night?

What they're working on is as far back as that?

- Working on what, sir? - Oh, come now, Baker.

I know there's going to be a cabinet meeting,

and they're discussing a successor for the chief of staff.

Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?

Yes, I'm not the blithering idiot everyone thinks I am.

I'm sure you're not, sir. I-- I mean, yes.

Question is, how long is the short list?

The short list?

Well, they've boiled it down to two or three names,

including yours, of course, sir.

- Oh, good, I see. - Sir.

Heavens, Willy, you're worse than a cuckoo clock.

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Lashwood of the Sherwood's here, sir.

What's he doing here?

He wishes to see you, sir. Says it's urgent.

Of course, if it's urgent.

You go right ahead, sir. I'll wait in the garden.

Ahh! I'll see him in the hall.

In the hall, Willy.

Sir.

- What is it, Lashwood? - You got my signal, sir?

Signal, what signal?

About Lieutenant Commander Fraser, sir.

What I have told you about urgent signals?

- But I tried to tell you, sir. - Be quiet, I'm reading.

It's almost time to abandon ship, captain.

I'm almost relieved. Who told you, Tom?

Threw himself on my mercy, poor lamb.

And you had him locked up.

I did not, I was trying to help him,

and he went and sank the first lord!

The problem now is how to get you all out of this.

You mean, you're not angry?

Angry? I'm hysterical!

We've also got to get the boy off that ship.

Look out! Willy!

What do you think's happened to the Sherwood's captain?

He was locked in his cabin. We know that, Willy.

No, he's been taken to the psychopathic ward.

- What? - What?

He started to act up.

He brought a doctor down with a rugby tackle,

and pushed a petty officer into the harbour.

- I must do something. - What?

I thought you'd ask that.

Psychopathic ward, that could be the naval hospital.

Willy, can I borrow your Rattletrap?

Well, the started doesn't work, and--

I'll try and get in and see him,

there must be some way to get him out.

- I'll come with you. - Oh, you stay here.

Somebody's got to stop the admiral.

Stop the admiral what?

The first lord's been dunked.

Gramps's liable to go berserk, declare martial law, everything!

If you can, take him to the Harbour Hotel.

Get him to call me here.

Better book a room, we must call.

- Phone. - Phone!

- Give me a crank, Willy. - Oh, yes, of course.

Yet I still don't understand--

Pick it up as you go along.

[ PHONE DINGING ]

Hello. Hello!

MAXIMILIAN: Willy!

Here he comes, I'll do that.

[ PHONE DINGING ]

Hello?

Oh, Grandpa, please, I'm on the phone!

Who's that?

It's Jane, I'm phoning from the garden.

I've never heard such nonsense.

If you want to talk to me, come in!

- Sir, if I might say a word. - Eh?

Sir, the whole thing revolves around battleships or bombers.

- What whole thing? - The shortlist.

As you might imagine, it's a pretty strong one.

One might almost say a one.

Oh, thank you very much.

Between you and me,

the man they choose must be progressive.

Progress has always been my watchword!

I shan't fail to make that known in the correct quarter.

That's extremely good of you!

Not at all, credit where credit is due, sir.

[ MAXIMILIAN CHUCKLES ] [ BANGING OUTSIDE ]

What's that?

Must be the pipes, I think.

It's that damn car of Willy's.

Where's he going?

- Admiral. - What?

What is the use of a battleship?

- A battleship? - Yes, a battleship.

Well, you see, of course,

there are battleships, and there are battleships.

The board of admirals, they think that a battleship

is two pennies of cold gin.

Do you agree with that?

Well, you see, as a mere sailor,

I have no politics.

Freedom of opinion is sacred, admiral.

Will you have whiskey?

No, but don't let me stop you.

And what did the board propose doing about it?

Amalgamate the Royal Navy with the air force.

[ SPLASHING ]

- That's quite all right, sir. - Great Scott.

Is the navy going to command the air force,

or the air force the navy?

That's a minor detail, sir, which can be ironed out

by the two services in amicable conference.

Amicable? Good grief.

Napoleon, I mean Nelson, will be turning in his grave.

Now, Admiral.

What is your candid opinion of this masterly scheme?

Well, it takes a bit of getting used to.

Ahh.

But the more I think about it, the more progressive it sounds.

I thought you'd say that.

What is needed for a job of this kind is a man,

with a broad, national outlook.

I entirely agree.

Fine, now all that remains is for me to convey

the gist of this conversation to my chief.

Well, yes, I'd be very grateful to you.

Of course, it would help me a great deal if I had

a brief note from you to add to my report.

Well, it's a pleasure, my dear fellow, a serious pleasure.

Now, uh, what-- what do you propose?

Ehm, my-- My dear first lord.

My-- wait a moment. My dear first lord.

Baker has put before me the general proposals.

MAXIMILIAN: General proposals, yes.

For absorbing the navy into the air force.

I believe this to be a thoroughly sound scheme,

and I'm happy to give it all the support in my power.

All-- the-- support--

in-- my-- power.

Admiral. Terse and uncompromising.

Thank you, sir.

Now, if things take a certain course, my dear Baker,

I hope we shall see a lot of each other admiralty.

Oh, such time as you can spare from your place

at the House of Lords, sir.

The House of Lords. My dear boy.

My very dear. [ TAPPING ]

[ JEEP BANGING ]

[ RATTLING ]

[ JEEP BANGING ]

[ CLUNKS ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

Could I see Lieutenant Commander Fraser, please?

Ah, after Lieutenant Lashwood's signal,

I'm afraid we've got very strict orders

about Commander Fraser, miss.

I'm Lieutenant Lashwood's sister.

Yes, that may be, but--

I'm also Lieutenant Commander Fraser's fiancee.

- Oh, Just a minute, miss. - Thank you.

All right, all right.

So, you're the parliamentary private secretary.

Don't keep saying it like that!

Why don't you lie down, sir, and have a bit of shuteye?

I don't want a bit of shuteye, I'm too open-eye,

- and put that on there. - Oh, ta!

Now look, the real captain's at Admiralty House.

Phone him, ask him. He'll identify me.

Uh-huh.

You can get a dozen people down here

from London to say I'm me!

The first lord's here already, sir.

- We could ask him. - Yes!

No.

Look, it doesn't really matter to me whether you're

Commander Fraser, Thomas Baker, or King Farouk.

All I've gotta do is keep you company until the doctor comes.

[ BUZZING ] Sir.

Observation.

What, now?

Yup. Right, I will.

Well?

Your fiancee's coming up, sir.

My fiancee?

Also, the relief orderly takes over from now,

so I'll just say happy dreams, and try to have a rest.

No, did they mention my fiancee's name?

No, sir, but don't you worry.

It'll come back to you, sir.

[ KNOCKING ]

Ms. Lashwood for Commander Fraser.

- Susan! - See, I told you!

Tom, darling!

Mmh!

Uh, please.

Are we allowed to be alone?

I shouldn't really, miss, but he's been quiet enough.

I'll wait outside.

Maybe you can get him to lie down.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

We've done that.

Yes, but I wasn't ready that time.

And I was supposed to be your fiancee.

If only I could make you an honest woman.

Listen, I've come to get you out of here.

- You wonderful, girl. - The question is how.

- Susan, darling, why are you doing all this for me?

'Cause I need my head examined.

Don't say that in here.

- How high are we?

Four stories, and the sheets won't reach.

Suppose you died and I wheeled the bed out.

Suppose I died?

[ LADDER THUMPS ]

Shh!

Is Lieutenant Commander Fraser here?

Yes and no, what did you want?

- I want me oilskins. - I have heard this before.

Yeah, I went to the Sherwood, they said come back again,

then, they said he was at the hospital,

then, they say nobody can see him,

so I borrow a ladder, and I want me oilskins.

As a matter of fact, they've just moved

the lieutenant commander down the passage!

People have no right to come around

pinchin' other people's oilskins.

Down the end of the passage, first door on the right.

Ya see, he was tryin' to make a pass at this skirt.

Making cow eyes at her, he was.

Don't knock, just go straight in.

Thank you, miss.

Okay, Jim, what's this one?

- It's all down there. - Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

Case of no battle fatigue.

You'd better knock before you go in.

[ KNOCKING ]

Oh, sorry, sir.

- Excuse me. - Ah-ah. No, you don't.

Hey, knock it, knock it, who're you stoppin'?

Take it easy, commander.

Hi there, commander, my name's Salty Simpson.

Salty Simpson, eh? That's a new one.

First it's Fraser, then it's Baker,

and now it's Salty Simpson. [ CHUCKLES ]

Yes, and what's so funny with a name like Salty Simpson, eh?

- Take it easy, uh, please. - SALTY: You tell me, will ya?

[ STEPS MARCHING ] DRILL SERGEANT: Eyes right!

Eyes front!

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ JEEP REVVING ] - Crank it!

Crank it? Yes.

[ CLUNKING ]

- Kick it! - What?

- Kick it! - Where?

Anywhere.

[ KICKING ] [ ENGINE RUMBLES ]

[ ENGINE BANGING ]

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

[ ENGINE BANGING ]

[ KICKING ]

[ FANCIFUL MUSIC ]

Mr. Baker, what number?

- Baker? - Baker.

Number 14.

[ DIZZYING MUSIC ]

[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING ]

Mr. Baker, what number?

- Baker? - Baker.

- Number 14. - 14.

All right, off with them.

Where the devil have you been?

We've been trying to get you at Admiralty House!

I've left.

You've made a first class botch up of everything.

- I have? - Yes, you have.

Look who's talking.

You get into my uniform, you go aboard my ship.

I do not go--

I was Shanghaied, press-ganged!

Do you know what you can get for impersonating an officer?

How as much as you can get for impersonating a member

of her majesty's government!

I wouldn't have been there if you hadn't phoned me.

Of course I phoned you!

What, do you expect me to sail around the cape?

Shut up, both of you, and get changed!

Quite right, get changed and stop talking so much.

Susan, would you mind turning your back?

We're just a little bit shy. Thank you.

What sort of chaos have you left for me at Admiralty House?

At least, I didn't blow it up.

Peter Fraser, I consider that remark was uncalled for.

So, was the torpedo.

And so was the gin you plied me with!

I have never plied anybody with gin,

and certainly, not a man.

If I hadn't think quickly, we'd both be in jail by now.

And if you don't do some pretty quick dressing,

you'll be in the Tower of London by morning.

I better call a cab.

- Now listen, Pete. - One cab coming up.

When you get back to your boat--

- Ship. - Ship!

When you get back to your ship,

there may be some difficulty about you being allowed on.

They might think you're an imposter.

What makes you think that?

You may establish your identity without any trouble, and then,

the next thing you can do is to give your officers

a good tousing for culpable gullibility.

You're talking like a white paper.

Look, I can deal with the crew.

Who is going to deal with the admiral?

Don't worry about him. I can make things

very unpleasant for him. After all, let's face it,

he accepted you without credentials.

I think we can probably hush it up between us.

And what happens when you go on a tour of inspection

with the first lord and the first ship you visit is the Sherwood?

The $64 question.

I'll see that he never gets near the Sherwood.

Well, you certainly stopped him today!

Susan, what are you doing every evening

for the next two or three years or so?

- Jump to it, man! - Jump to it!

Jump to it, man!

- Inside your cloth, not out. - All right!

Mr. Baker will settle the bill.

Very good, sir.

Send the bill to Mr. Baker, Admiralty House. Can't stop.

[ JAUNTY MUSIC ]

Good afternoon, Lieutenant Lashwood aboard?

Yes, sir, he's in the wardroom. Shall I--

No, that's all right. I'm Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

[ CRASHING AND CLATTERING ]

Cor blimey, another one.

[ CAR RATTLES AND BANGS ]

[ THUMPS ]

[ BIRD CHIRPING ]

Hi!

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC ]

Good afternoon.

Admiral Godfrey, please.

Yes, sir. Who shall I say?

- Mr. Thomas Baker. - Yes, sir.

That's quite strange.

- Grandpa, wake up. - Hm?

- Willy wants you. - Willy?

Mr. Thomas Baker's in the hall, sir.

In the hall here, that's all right.

It's not out of bounds, or anything, is it?

No sir, but he's different from the one we had this morning.

Different?

Willy's right, I saw him arrive.

Well, this is ridiculous, he had lunch with us.

Not this one.

Shall I bring him in for you to have a look at, sir?

Yes, Willy. We can't leave him standing there out in the hall.

But if he's Baker, who did we have lunch with?

- Must have been an imposter. - Maybe he was a spy.

A spy in Admiralty House?

He did seem a bit odd, didn't he?

Didn't know Tompkinson, either. Well, where is he now?

The last time I saw him,

he was going down the drive on your bicycle.

My bicycle?

I hope he hasn't stolen any of your papers,

- or anything like that. - Heavens! That letter!

- Mr. Thomas Baker, sir. - Thank you.

- Good afternoon, admiral. - Oh! [ CHUCKLES ]

Happy to meet you, Mr. Baker.

Very happy to meet you.

I have an apology to offer you.

I wrote you a letter to tell you that I couldn't lunch,

and I forgot to post it.

- Oh, the lunch wasn't rated. - Oh, good.

I understand that I missed a slight contratante this morning.

I don't know, I took it for granted the man was you.

Well, it's a good job that nobody was hurt.

Uh-huh, well,

disciplinary action has already been taken.

Of course, of course.

Yes, and-- and when can we expect the first lord?

Practically any time. At the moment,

he's at the yacht club drying off.

He's all right, eh?

In excellent spirits after he got

a few choice phrases off his chest.

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]

Lieutenant Lashwood, sir.

Oh, that man is becoming a pest.

What is it, Lashwood?

Yes, I know Lieutenant Commander Fraser's in hospital.

What do you mean there's another one?

Just come aboard?

Well, there can't be two of them, man.

You're suggesting the first one was--

Good grief!

Well, what about Fraser number two?

How do we know he isn't?

You'd better send him here right away.

I don't care if his keys do fit his baggage.

Send him here.

Another contratante, Admiral?

Mr. Baker, there's a rather disturbing matter,

that I'd like to consult you about.

With pleasure!

It might even effect the safety of the first lord.

Indeed?

The man who fired that torpedo from the Sherwood--

Lieutenant Commander Fraser, sir?

They've put him in the psychopathic ward.

Tom: Oh, poor chap.

This afternoon, another man arrived on the Sherwood.

TOM: Perhaps he is Fraser.

Yes, that's what I intend to find out.

Yes.

They're sending him here!

- Well, interesting. - Oh, so sorry.

Yes, but unfortunately, there's more!

- More? - Yes.

This morning, a man came here claiming to be you.

Oh, claiming to be me?

Of course, we saw through the imposter right away.

Of course!

But what if they're working together?

- Saboteurs. - Saboteurs?

One on the Sherwood, and the other in Admiralty House.

Admiral, I have complete faith in your naval security.

Well, supposing that torpedo wasn't an accident.

Oh, but it was. I mean, a man

is innocent until he's proved guilty.

Well, I think I ought to call the police.

No, no, admiral, much as I'd hate to stop you,

I'd like to talk to you about a certain admiralty post,

that we are interested in filling.

- Oh, the chief of staff? - In confidence, of course.

Of course, of course.

I thought we'd have a little chat off the record,

before the first lord arrives.

My dear boy. [ CHUCKLING ]

My very dear boy. Have a cigar.

Thank you so much. [ CHUCKLES ]

You haven't met my chief, have you?

MAXIMILIAN: No, I haven't had that pleasure.

He's a charming man, you'll like him.

He's a naval fellow through and through, just like you.

- Why don't we sit down? - Why not, indeed?

You know, I listen much better when I'm sitting down.

Don't we all, sir?

I want to reassure you on one point,

that you probably have some uneasiness with regard

to the policy of the government towards the navy.

One sometimes wonders.

Strictly between ourselves, there's not a lot of love lost

between the first lord and the air ministry.

Someone has already suggested that.

Now, let me come straight to the point.

Candidly, what is the use of a heavy bomber?

- A heavy bomber? - A heavy bomber.

- Don't you mean a battleship? - No, a heavy bomber.

Well, of course, there are heavy bombers,

and there are heavy bombers.

Admiral, my chief's view is that heavy bomber's are obsolete.

Two penny worth of cold gin.

Precisely.

So to economize, we propose clipping

the wings of the Royal Air Force.

Very sound, very sound!

You mean abolish them altogether?

No, no, just the heavy bombers,

which will leave a lot of grounded air marshals.

An interesting spectacle!

The only thing to be worked out is what to do with them.

There's always the National Coal Board.

We'll probably absorb them in various working parties.

It's going to be a terrible dogfight, we know that,

but is a policy which you yourself are prepared to back?

Progress is my watchword.

Good!

I was only saying this morning--

Well, where should we be without progress?

Then, we can count your support?

In consideration to the limit.

Fine, I'm so glad! [ BELL RINGING ]

Oh, one last point. May I communicate your views,

in confidence, to the first lord?

Certainly. Oh, by the way, you don't want me

to put anything in writing?

No, no, quite unnecessary.

Ah, that's a relief.

Now sir, with your permission,

I'll telephone the yacht club immediately.

Yes, you can use the study.

Thank you very much.

What do you think you're doing there?

Answering the bell.

Hello!

Lieutenant Commander Fraser reporting

as ordered to Admiral Godfrey.

I just heard the whole story.

Never a dull moment, is there?

[ KNOCKS ] Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

Good luck.

It's a far better thing that I do now--

Where is he?

Ah, good afternoon, Fraser.

Good afternoon, sir.

Am I out of my senses?

You?

Yes, sir, with an explanation and an apology.

An apology? You're under arrest.

Aye-aye, sir.

Willy, take charge of this man.

Yes, sir.

Now, tell me. What do you mean

by wearing her majesty's uniform?

I hold her majesty's commission, sir,

14 years service.

Then what do you mean masquerading

as a civilian this morning?

That's what I'd like to explain, sir.

- Wait here. - Yes, sir.

Willy, stand by that window.

Yes, sir.

Mmh? [ KNOCKING ]

I understand perfectly, sir.

Would you like me to send a car?

Come in.

Certainly.

Yes, I've explained the whole thing to him.

Splendid. Goodbye, sir.

The first lord is on his way.

Good, this gives me time to dispose

of this delicate business.

What, another contratante, admiral?

Bigger.

As PPS to the first lord, I'd like to ask your advice.

I'd be only too happy to give it.

Thank you. The officer I have in there,

is the individual who attempted

to impersonate you this morning.

- No! - Come and see.

[ GIRLS LAUGHING ]

Jane, Susan, what do you think you're doing?

Just keeping the lieutenant commander company.

Keeping him company? He's under close arrest.

Why, Pete!

Tom, what are you doing?

You old son of a gun!

- You old son of-- - You know each other?

Know him?

We were the greatest of friends!

This man's been impersonating me?

Until he was detected. He's now under close arrest!

Arrest?

Admiral, have you reflected on the consequences?

That's his problem.

On the contrary, I think it's yours.

Mine?

A court martial on such a charge.

- Oh? - Think of the stir.

- Stir? - The terrible publicity.

Publicity.

Not to mention the jokes in the press.

The press.

Cartoons in the Sunday papers.

Just think how this might recoil on you,

admiral, on your prestige,

at a time when your name may be--

Only may be?

Only may be appearing before the public,

in an entirely different connection.

You grasp the implications of this, admiral?

I'm beginning to. Thank you for pointing them out.

What do you suggest?

I suggest you leave Lieutenant Commander Fraser

entirely to me.

I know him well, he's an excellent chap,

and first class seaman.

His sense of humour make go a little too far at times,

but let me take charge of him,

and I'll relieve you of any irksome duty in the matter.

Oh, that's most kind.

You are quite sure the first lord--

The first lord shall not even hear about it.

Ahh. Let us apprise Fraser of our decision.

What an excellent idea!

Oh, Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

Sir?

Mr. Baker has interceded on your behalf.

Thank you, Mr. Baker.

He's undertaken to deal with your case personally,

semi-officially as it were.

So, you're no longer under arrest.

- Willy? - Yes, sir?

- His sword. - Thank you, sir.

That was good timing, wasn't it?

Yes. [ BELL RINGING ]

- That must be the chief. - The first lord.

First lord, yeah.

Girls, you know, you've no right to be here.

I've told you over again, run along.

And Jane, you're half naked again!

- Lieutenant Lashwood, sir. - Lashwood, what, again?

Sir, I've had a report from the hospital.

The first Lieutenant Commander Fraser's escaped.

- Escaped? - Yes, sir.

Oh! I see you've caught him, sir.

Caught whom?

The escaped man, sir, the one who impersonated

the captain this morning.

Impersonated Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

On board the Sherwood, sir.

My sister will corroborate it, she was there.

And who the devil are you, sir?

I thought you knew. I'm Thomas Baker,

parliamentary private secretary to the first lord.

How do I know that?

My admiralty and my House of Commons pass.

They may be forgeries.

Well, show them to the first lord.

He'll be here any minute.

This is getting beyond words.

Is there no one I can depend on?

Yes, me!

And what have you got to do with this deplorable business?

I am personal private secretary

to Mr. Thomas Baker, the PPS to the first lord.

Since when?

Since I got him out of hospital.

You got him out of hospital?

You made a fine gaffe, my lad.

Is everybody in on this?

Look, Grandpa, it's all very simple.

Last night, quite by accident, Peter and Tom got sloshed.

- Sloshed? - Pie-eyed, sir.

Scotch-mist.

And while they were still tiddly, they changed clothes.

- That's all. - All!

This man brings contempt on her majesty's uniform,

and this one gets into my official residence,

and violates my home!

I am quite prepared to marry her, sir.

You are?

Now, look, enough of this. No more, come along.

Outside, both of you. Outside, all of you!

Go along, go on.

This is a naval establishment, not a village hall!

[ DOORS SLAMMING ]

I'm handing the whole thing over to the first lord!

Couldn't we do a deal on this all around?

A deal, you have the affrontery?

Why not? It's done on the highest levels.

It's called diplomacy.

In politics and big business,

the good old British principal of compromise.

- No. - No?

Admiral, did you or did you not

give this letter to Peter to hand to the first lord?

Hand to the first lord?

And Peter, being in no position to do so,

entrusted it to me to deliver.

- Yes, but the point is-- - The point is. if I did so,

the sentiments contained in this letter, might create

a certain confusion in the first lord's mind.

Confusion?

In view of the entirely different sentiments

which you expressed to me, battleships or bombers,

and passed onto him, do you remember, admiral?

Gentlemen, do you intend to wreck my career,

after nearly 50 years service?

You couldn't do a ghastly thing--

No, we couldn't, could we, Peter?

To my future grandfather-in-law?

Not a-- and furthermore, never intended to.

Give me that letter. [ BELL RINGING ]

There, sir.

Now, we're entirely at your mercy.

Oh, my dear boy! My very dear boy!

Ha-hah, it wasn't anything, Gramps.

We're in again!

- The first lord, sir. - Oh, we're out again.

- Good afternoon, sir. - Admiral.

Which of you is Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

- I am, sir. - I see.

May I take over, admiral?

Certainly, sir.

You are, I take it, aware of the fact,

that one of the things a naval officer must learn

- is to be trustworthy? - Yes, sir.

And he's expected to set an example

of dependability and integrity.

Do you agree, Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

- Yes, sir. - Very well.

Then for heaven's sake, give him back his bloody oilskins!

[ ALL LAUGHING ]

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, carry on, carry on! ♪

[ GRAND BASS BAND MUSIC ]