Original subtitles

This is Red Alert. Emergency Four, top priority.

What do we know, gentlemen?

We know that Moon Probe One landed on the moon.

Then blasted off again on its recovery flight

approximately 18 hours ago.

What else do we know?

We know it was all systems go, sir.

But where did it go?

It landed

in Africa.

Gentlemen, this capsule has secrets.

Vital secrets of the moon's surface locked in it.

Now, according to international law,

whoever finds this capsule,

will automatically own it.

Our space trackers have reported moon probe signals

about here, sir.

Sir, from what little we know about the Ekele tribe,

it's said they're extremely dangerous.

Only one man has ever been there

and returned to tell the world

about the Ekeles.

His name is Matthew Merriwether.

In my opinion, sir,

Merriwether's the only chance we have

of getting on to the Moon Probe One

before some others get there first.

Of course, Merriwether!

Who else would they send?

Only last year, we sent a mission...

Shh!

There it goes again!

Fine present he sent me!

Ah, ah, that's better!

Fortunately, we have our own loyal subversives

in this part of Africa.

I can have him liquidated on arrival.

Imbeciles! Deviationists!

There is only one main objective,

to get the capsule.

Bullets will not stop this man.

We must find his superior in brain,

in cunning and in daring.

I can think of only one person.

Get Luba!

One remote tribe has a vocabulary of 18 words.

They express all their emotions with body movements.

Like a flare of the nostrils means

"I am yours for ever."

Later on we are going to go into...

Class dismissed.

Gentlemen.

Professor, you are being given

another opportunity to serve your country.

I can ask for nothing more.

Are you familiar with the works of Matthew Merriwether?

A brilliant mind.

His ideology is confused, of course.

But, can you outwit him?

I can try.

The assignment will involve,

in addition to your incomparable intellect,

the instincts of a female animal of the jungle.

I understand.

It is of great importance.

I only hope I am equal to the task.

I do not know of any other woman in the world

who is so well equipped for this mission.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Oh...

Oh, it's you!

You're a minute slow.

All right, I'm up. I'm up.

Nag! Nag! Nag!

Good morning, Mr. Merriwether.

Oh, let's not be formal. Call me Bwana.

Yes, sir, Bwana. Bwana wishes breakfast?

Bwana sure does.

Right away.

Bwana honey.

What a lazy susan.

People wonder why I answer when Africa calls.

Oh, those beastly jungle noises.

Good morning, Great White Hunter.

Let's not be bitter.

Lock the door, I'll get the diary.

Oh, there you are, my little gold mine.

Now, where did I leave off yesterday? Where was I?

You mean where was Trader Merriwether?

Yes.

We make a great team, Uncle.

You with your bleached bones in Africa

and me here in New York with my reading glasses.

I feel this is going to be a big day.

Oh, I'd better turn off the phone,

till I get finished dictating.

Operator.

Oh, uh, would you cut off the phone

till I call you back?

Thank you very much.

Good old Dillingham!

That was all that was left when the vultures flew away.

Now, take this down.

"There I was in the jungle

"looking into the rattlesnake's eyes,

"and as I..."Wait a minute.

There are no rattlesnakes in Africa.

No rattlesnakes in Africa?

Uh-uh! You mean they left?

Oh, that's not important.

Now, just what do you intend to do

when you run out of your uncle's diaries, Matt?

Oh, that's no problem, I'll just kill myself.

But you can't fake it all the time.

Why don't you go to Africa?

Even for the weekend.

Look, Koba, the only wild animal I want to see

is the cigarette girl at the Stork Club.

And I carry a gun when I'm with her.

Sure, sure. Grab this.

"Undismayed, I faced this charging herd of buffalo.

"As I hacked my way through this living wall of flesh..."

Good morning, gentlemen. This way, please.

Oh!

Say, if a lion comes at you from opposite directions,

you have to be ready.

Oh, Mr. Merriwether, I'm Conroy,

and this is Scott, CIA. Colonel Spencer.

How do you do? Oh!

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

What can I do for you, gentlemen?

Mr. Merriwether, we have just come from the President.

Oh? How was the waterskiing?

Mr. Merriwether, you're familiar with the Ekele country?

Like Bernard Baruch knows Central Park.

I've shaken hands with every tsetse fly in Africa.

What a man!

Exactly.

Is there any chance we can be heard?

I can hardly hear you myself.

You were saying?

Some days ago our space agency launched

the first moon probe from Cape Canaveral.

It landed on the moon and its robot instruments

picked up samples from the surface.

Now, it blasted back to Earth successfully

but on the return trip it went a half a degree off course.

It landed in Ekele country.

We can't afford to let this capsule

fall into unfriendly hands.

Oh, never. All my maps and personal experiences

will be placed at the disposal

of whoever volunteers to...

Oh, look, I'll throw in a couple of my books.

Look, how about these? They're autographed.

Mr. Merriwether, destiny is calling you.

Me? Oh, no. No, no.

I think you've reached a disconnected hero.

I'd like to, but I've just joined the Book of the Month Club

and I'm a slow reader.

Why don't you try Robert Ruark?

He flinches a little but a good man.

Besides, I have to finish my new book before the rainy season.

If there's anything I can't stand it's a soggy book.

Mr. Merriwether, whoever leads this mission successfully

will wear the medal of greatness for all time.

Yeah, but will he wear it in good health?

Oh, and besides, I'm having my teeth capped.

Mr. Merriwether, you know what our flag stands for.

Fourth of July, Yankee Stadium, Southern fried chicken.

Girl Scout cookies, Jayne Mansfield.

Motherhood, power steering, credit cards.

Drive-in movies. Please, I can't stand long commercials.

We have a plane standing by.

Plane? I get dizzy wearing elevator shoes.

Mr. Merriwether, what do I tell the President?

Tell him I voted for Nixon.

Look, can't I have a little time to make my decision?

Three or four years, maybe?

You have two hours.

Thanks a lot.

And where exactly do you plan to go?

Where I always go when I'm supposed to be in Africa,

my aunt's place in Cape Cod.

And how many people do you think are going to read your books

when they find out you're a fraud?

Stop talking like a publisher.

You can get killed in Africa, permanently.

Well, think of the bright side of it.

Think how your books would sell if you died bravely.

Yeah, think of the trouble I'd have mailing you the sequel.

But, Matt, you're Mr. Africa.

If you don't go you'll be the laughing stock of the whole country.

That's better than winding up on the menu as an hors d'oeuvre.

I'm not going and that's that.

Oh, Mr. Merriwether, I see you're raring to go.

Colonel Spencer is waiting for you at the airport.

Well, good luck, Matt. Is there anything I can do?

Yeah, get me the name of a good witch doctor.

The Colonel you know, that's Lieutenant Jones and Major Farbe

of the Medical Corps.

Sir, brave men don't require speeches,

they smile at death.

Yeah, well, that all depends on who's dying.

Your cover for the safari is to capture the vicious spotted elephant.

What vicious spotted elephant?

The one in your book.

Oh, yeah, that one.

We found out later it was measles.

You've got to be prepared for anything.

There may be an attempt on your life.

Well, these inconveniences one must expect.

If you're captured and death is inevitable,

you'd prefer the method of your own choice.

Well, everybody has a favorite way to go,

and I'm not going till I find the right one.

If you're in a tough spot, take one of these.

Tranquilizers?

Cyanide.

One crunch, oblivion.

What a way to beat car payments.

Death is instantaneous and clean.

No side effects, huh?

Be careful with these needles.

A sewing kit? Oh, thanks. If I have any loose buttons, I...

The tips are poisoned.

Couldn't get the regular kind, huh?

If you can't swallow the cyanide pills in time, one scratch...

You fellows make everything so easy.

A Do-it-to-yourself suicide kit.

Hand grenade.

If the cyanide and the poison needles don't work,

I swallow this?

Your job is to get the capsule back safely,

if not, destroy it.

This is a radio detector device. It's a homer.

When you get close to the capsule

you'll pick up its signals on this.

Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!

What is he, some kind of nut?

Guard it with your life.

Don't worry, Colonel, I promise.

If anyone wants homer, they'll have to...

And they will, huh?

We have an operative going on this trip with you.

Name of Fred Larsen.

Now, Fred'll take care of security

and make sure you get there all right.

Will there be a trip coming back?

Flight 401 to Makuta

is now ready for departure.

That's you.

Oh, thank you. Well...

Everything's here,

I'm afraid. Good luck.

Oh, Colonel,

would you put this in the insurance machine for me?

Certainly. Who's the beneficiary?

Psst!

Which fellow is Fred Larsen?

Sorry, I don't have the seating chart yet,

but I'll let you know as soon... Shh!

I'll handle it. Don't worry.

Psst!

Get a load of this! Solid fruitcake.

Fred? Tom.

Fred.

Fred.

Fred!

May I please see your ticket, sir?

Nice to have you aboard, Mr. Merriwether.

Thank you.

Have a pleasant trip, Miss Larsen?

Thank you.

Larsen?

Hmm, Frederica Larsen.

Frederica Larsen!

Wow.

Are you disappointed that I am a woman?

If I was, I'd be disappointed in myself as a man.

Then, you have no objection

to women in the jungle?

After a hard day in the jungle

what is there but women or checkers?

Women or checkers?

Yeah. They're both fun if you make the right moves.

I like you, Mr. Merriwether.

I'm going to see that you're well protected.

Thank you. Who's going to protect you?

Mmm, I'm not so sure I want protection.

May I get you folks a drink?

Mmm, why not? A double.

Do you have dancing in this plane?

Get my paper hat.

We may fly outside for a while.

♪ Each little flower that opens

♪ Each little bird that sing

♪ He made their glowing colors

♪ He made their tiny wings

♪ All things bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures great and small

♪ All things wise and wonderful

♪ The Lord God made them all

♪ The rich man in his castle

♪ The poor man at his gate

♪ God made them high or lowly

♪ And ordered their estate

♪ All things bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures great and small

♪ All things wise and wonderful

♪ The Lord God made them all ♪

Bless you, my children. Bless you.

Tomorrow we will raise our voices once more

and let us hope that the collection plate is not quite so bare.

Quick! Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you. Bless you.

See you tomorrow. Bless you. Bless you.

Lock the doors.

Go ahead, I read you.

Matthew Merriwether.

Matthew Merriwether.

Oh, you can consider him disposed of.

Yes.

Flight 401 from New York landing at Makuta Airport.

Hold it, Mr. Merriwether.

Well... Friends.

Well, I'll just go get the luggage.

Tip big, it's on the government.

Did you have a good trip, Mr. Merriwether?

Yes, it was wonderful. I'm very happy to be back here in Africa.

My land, my country, my people.

I have returned.

Keep the motor running.

No pictures, please.

I feel naked without a lion beneath my feet.

Mr. Merriwether, how many are you

taking with you on this trip?

Oh, this is just a skeleton crew.

Just two or three hundred,

and that's not counting bartenders.

Mr. Merriwether, is it true you've come

for another try at that rogue elephant in the Ekele country?

Yeah, and this time I intend to do it the hard way,

without peanuts.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute. You should put these things up here.

Up here on top of the head. Up, up.

That's better.

Don't you read National Geographic?

Now, next question.

Mr. Merriwether, on your previous trips

no one's ever actually seen you, isn't that unusual?

Yeah, how about that? Next question.

Well, Mr. Merriwether, how do you explain that?

I mean, no one's ever actually seen you in the jungle.

Well, all I can say is the whole country needs glasses.

I beg your pardon. There's so much to tell you...

Passengers on Flight 452,

please proceed to Customs via the main gate.

I only strike when attacked.

I believe that's the first policy of all.

And I think, I... I...

We, uh... Uh, we wow-wowie-wow.

Wow, this is it. Big game country.

And my kind of game.

The name is Matt Merriwether.

M-A double "T" as in available.

See you, men.

Mr. Merriwether, we have more questions.

I have one myself.

Good morning, ma'am. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

It's outrageous, I tell you.

For years I have handled this territory.

What do they want to send a woman for?

You're not to consider me as a woman

but your Commanding Officer who gives you orders.

Kiss me, you fool, quick. What?

Kiss me!Kiss you?

Oh, Papa, I've missed you so terribly much.

Oh, my little girl, I'm so glad you're back.

But, Papa, I had to come back to help you out

with the work at the mission.

Oh, well, it's good to see you, I must say.

Oh, Papa!

Good morning, sir.

Room 222. I think that's on the second floor.

Yes, sir.

And next time, shave.

Are these Mr. Merriwether's bags?

Yes, ma'am.

Soon, imbecile, you are going to find out

why they sent for Luba.

There, your outfit's all set.

The poison needles are in your bush jacket.

Oh, good.

Come in.

Everything's been arranged.

Vehicles, porters and gun bearers.

Exactly as ordered? Yes, ma'am.

Fine, we leave at dawn. Yes, Bwana.

What time is dawn?4 a.m.

We leave at dawn plus three.

Yes, Bwana.

What are you looking for, the House Detective?

Elementary security.

On a mission of this type, we have to take every possible precaution.

We simply have to check every single...

Lovely. Yeah, but...

Yeah, but these aren't my clothes.

Not even your size.

No, this must be somebody else's bag.

Oh, I gathered that.

I think I'd better be leaving.

I wouldn't want to interrupt anything.

No, but I'm not expecting anybody. Honestly.

Come in.

Champagne, sir.

But I didn't order that. I don't know what it's all about.

Don't apologize, I'm not your den mother.

Mr. Merriwether, the management wishes you a very pleasant stay.

Oh, I'm sure we won't have to worry about that.

Here. Thank you.

Very good, sir.

Would you like to join me?

Well, if I'm not depriving anyone.

To bigger and better safaris.

Chamray '32.

Not a very good year for carpets.

I just don't understand.

This has been my territory for three years.

You are not a traveling salesman who has a quota to meet.

Your crude methods will not work.

He is an enemy of the state.

He must be squashed like a fly.

I have taken the necessary steps.

You're a fool.

If you kill him how are we to find the moon probe?

Well, what do you expect him to do?

Invite you to go on his safari?

Exactly.

And I shall have him invite you, in person.

Now, you'd better leave. He's going to be here in a moment.

I very much doubt it.

Out.

It's two floors up.

Jump!

Just a moment, I'll slip into something.

Well, don't go to any trouble.

Oh, I see you've been waiting for this.

Oh, yes, won't you come in, please?

They sent your bag to my room by mistake.

How very kind. But you could have sent a bell boy.

I never send a boy on a man's job.

My name is...Matt Merriwether,

as in available.

Have you any idea what a great honor it is

for me to meet you, Mr. Merriwether?

Why don't we have dinner tonight?

You can turn my head. It's twirling now.

You are teasing me, Mr. Merriwether.

Oh, it's about 50-50.

What's a slip of a girl like you doing out here all alone?

Oh, Africa is my laboratory.

I'm an anthropologist.

Oooh! What a waste!

I did my thesis on the culture of the Ekele tribe.

The Ekele tribe?

It's a miracle you're still alive.

Oh, with Papa, you couldn't be safer.

Oh, that sweet, gentle old soul I saw in the lobby?

Yes, he's a medical missionary.

He's spent several years in the Ekele country.

Why, I have a rendezvous

with a rogue elephant in the Ekele country.

Why don't you and Papa join me?

Oh, I'm afraid we'd be in your way.

Besides, Papa's got so much work to do at the mission here.

Well, I'll talk to him.

And as for you being in the way, don't ever move.

Are you quite certain that you want me to come along?

I may have to send you back

when we hit dangerous country.

I understand.

I'll share your life for a few days.

Yes, but don't forget the nights.

It's not that I wouldn't want you, but...

I can see in your sad eyes that you've got some burden.

But I won't ask you any questions.

You're a good kid.

I'm sorry.

It won't happen again, Mr. Merriwether.

You're only human, don't fight it.

Please.

It's all happened too fast.

I must have time to think.

We leave at 7:00 in the morning.

Will you be there?

Yes, if you can convince Papa.

We can have a few hours of happiness and then...

Maybe we can go into overtime.

Here, take this.

Does it hurt?

No.

In fact, it feels so good I might sprain the other one.

Tell me, why didn't the champagne work?

Maybe he didn't drink it.

What a magnificent deduction!

Go to his room and search it thoroughly.

Yes, sir.

Al? Sir?

We may be going on a little trip.

Well, have the vehicles ready, if you please.

Right. Oh.

And we'll need a few things.

A pistol, a silencer, a hypodermic needle,

chloroform and a very sharp knife. Do you understand?

Yes, sir. Right. Go.

Anybody home?

Come in, my friend, the door is always open.

I hope I'm not interrupting your good work.

Not at all, my son.

Will there be anything else, Doctor?

Yes, bring two shovels.

We may want to plant something.

What can I do for you, my friend?

Oh, I'm Matt Merriwether.

Not the Matt Merriwether? Mr. Africa!

I'm deeply honored that you should visit me, sir.

Well, I've heard wonderful reports of your work, Doctor,

and I was hoping we might join forces.

No, I'm afraid not. No, I'm afraid not.

You see, you are a man of violence, a great hunter.

I am a man of peace.

Yes, but you know the natives

and the jungle and the animals.

We could share our knowledge.

Mr. Merriwether, I must be practical.

I cannot return to my jungle friends

without the necessary medical supplies

and equipment that are so desperately needed.

I must remain here and raise funds.

Oh, but I could help.

Oh, no, I couldn't ask you to do that.

Oh, I could. Here, look.

What? Here's a hundred.

What? Here, two hundred.

What? I've got some travelers checks here.

Are you on the Diner's Club?

What can I say?

How can I ever repay you?

Well, your good work will be my reward.

True, how very true.

♪ All things bright and beautiful

Do you know this? No, but I'll hum along.

♪ All creatures great and small

♪ Scoobie roobie doobie

♪ All things wise and wonderful ♪

Oh, I was just straightening up your room, sir.

The service is great here, except for the champagne.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Maybe I over-tipped.

Hello, room service?

Send up a room.

One without doors and windows.

In concrete if you've got it.

No, I won't be ordering breakfast.

I have my own cyanide pills.

They're fat free.

Yeah, really.

Boy, I'm glad I locked my suitcase.

Now, I am nervous.

This was cut from the inside.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Uta. UTA: Ma'am.

Who is that elderly man?

He's the father of the woman who arrived yesterday.

They are coming with us.

Oh, I doubt that.

Why, Mr. Merriwether wouldn't jeopardize this mission

by asking strangers.

The woman is very beautiful.

Mr. Merriwether is very dedicated.

Soon we'll find out exactly what he is dedicated to.

It's a lovely morning for a safari.

You're lucky it was only the second floor.

You had good fortune, too.

He fell for your absurd little scheme.

Oh, when a man desires a woman,

luck does not enter into it.

Oh?

Good morning, Bwana. WOMAN: Good morning, Mr. Bwana.

Good morning, civilians.

Did you sleep well, Papa?

Oh, yes, very well, my child. Thank you for asking.

Ah! Good morning, Pops. Good morning.

Got your pills all packed?

I've got everything I need, thank you.Oh, wonderful.

How are you, Luba? Wonderful, Matt.

You haven't changed your mind of taking me along?

Did Columbus change his mind?

Would you get those loaded, please? Yes, Ma'am.

Oh, pardon me.

Would you load those on the big truck?

Yes, Ma'am. Frederica, please?

Miss Larsen, this is Doctor Mungo and his daughter.

How do you do? How do you do?

They're going to join our little outing.Oh?

Yes, the Doctor's coming along to look after me.

Precisely.

And Miss Mungo is a student of Africa.

I'm going to teach her what little I know.

Oh, I'm sure she'll be a very apt student.

If I become a nuisance, Miss Larsen, you will let me know.

You can count on that.

Thank you.

Well, I'm glad to see you girls hit it off so well.

Don't you want to check the loading of the equipment?

Oh, yes, in these things I trust no one, I brook no incompetency.

Pardonnez-moi.

Come on, Papa, let's go outside.

Hey, Buka-Buka.

Right away, Bwana.

What did he say? Who knows?

Is everything set?

Oh, I had to straighten out a couple of the kids.

Honey, you ride with me.

If things get rough, I want you close.

You're in charge. I obey orders without question.

Good girl. I'll try not to take advantage.

She's just a kid. Somebody has to look after her.

You ride with Uta. You're in charge.

I obey orders without question.

Okay, mount vehicles!

Start motors!

Charge!

Sunday drivers!

I'll be back in a minute.

Shall I fill her up?

I already did.

It's an old custom of Mother's.

She always made us go before we went.

Forward, ho!

Are they dangerous?

Only to girl zebras.

They're good eating.

The choice cuts are all marked off.

Oh, how wonderful it is to be out on safari.

I feel as though layers of civilization

were being peeled off me.

Yeah, I feel the call of the wild myself.

What's the matter? Is anything wrong?

No, nothing at all.

I just want to check this detour.

I was right, it's the right fork.

Forward, ho!

Forward, ho!

Forward, ho!

Forward, ho!

Matt, why did you turn right?

Instinct, my dear. Instinct.

But Uta says the Ekele country is left.

Are you going to listen to every Tom, Dick and Uta?

Has it occurred to you we're being followed?

I'm using the old hunter's technique.

If you're visiting a girl on the third floor,

take the elevator to the fourth

and walk down one flight.

And put the radio on loud.

Yeah.

Uta!

Any orders, Bwana?We've got to mush on.

Get the men to work here.

Yes, Bwana.To hack a way.

Pacey on the double.

Well, don't stand there. Take pictures.

All right, men, move in.

Yeah, move in. Take a big dividend there.

I don't get it. What's he using that road for?

Come on, we'll take the easy way.

Hey, hey, give me that. We'll take turns.

Hey, Clyde, your turn.

Pacey! Pacey!

Yeah.

Oh. Ah, I was just trying to get

my favorite disc jockey.

Unga Doola and his music to chew by.

Forgive me for following you,

but when I turn around and you're not there, I get frightened.

Yeah, now I'm frightened.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Nice little monument you've built here.

You should get the Nobel Prize for architecture.

Yes, she's a good little girl.

Come on, let's look here.

Why is he going in that direction?

It'll take hours to cut through.

Either he's very clever or very stupid.

Well, he looks stupid. But he acts clever.

What do you think?

I'll let you know after the autopsy.

All right, faster, men.

There'll be an extra ration of grog for all hands.

Here, pacey, pacey.

Stampede!

Wait. What? What is it?

Elephant stampede!

Elephants? In this country?

Hey! When did they think of that?

What are you doing here?

Oh, just checking the oil.

Come on, let's get out of here.

But this is what you came for.

You might find your rogue elephant.

Not if we hurry. Come on.

Yeah, you're right. You're absolutely right.

This is the chance of a lifetime.

Yeah, boy, if I could only find my rifle.

It's in your hand.

No wonder I couldn't find it.

You dirty...

Hello, baby. Hello, babe.

I don't want to be vacuum-cleaned.

I don't think this is a fair dual.

I...

Hello!

And they call me snorkel. Well, I'm glad to see you.

Think we're related, huh?

Matt!

Matt, are you all right?

Oh, I was just grazed by his tusks.

Seven feet of piano keys.

But why didn't you shoot him?

The cowardly beggar turned his back.

Sometimes I hate myself for being such a goody-goody.

We've gotta push on.

Right, push!

Hey, Pop, come on.

Forward, ho!

Matt!

Matt. Matt?

Mmm?

Yeah? Oh, come in.

Oh, there's nothing so exhilarating

as a day on the trail.

I'm bushed.

I don't understand the route we took today.

Yeah, I think we've thrown them off the track.

Now, tomorrow, we start off in this direction.

Oh, but that's where we just came from.

No, you're looking at the wrong finger.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sometimes, I'm... I'm so stupid.

Yeah, we all make mistakes.

Do you think it's wise to let Doctor Mungo and his daughter

continue on with us?

You know, I didn't have time for a complete security check.

That's good thinking. I'll do a little investigating right now.

You know, there's just something about her that's false.

Yeah, I'll check everything.

He's carrying a small instrument around his neck.

I'm sure this is going to lead us to the capsule.

If we remove his head, it will come off easily.

Hello, there. Are you up?

Uh, just a moment.

No violence, I'm sure we'll get it quicker my way.

Hmm? Get out.

I beg your pardon?

Get out! Quick, quick, quick.What?

Not again! Really, this is most...

Uh, come in.

Luba, I want to...

I'll come back later. Wait.

You are amazing.

How many men would have your strength of character?

None, including me.

I wonder how much longer I am going

to be able to fight this strange feeling

that is overwhelming me.

Well, don't fight it. You're hooked. We'll cure it slowly.

Hand me that robe on the cot, please?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You'd better sit down.

I'd better lie down.

Oh, you ripped your leg, let me sew it up for you.

Uh, just sew the pants, huh?

I'll work on the leg later.

Funny, I never pictured you with a needle and thread.

How did you picture me, then?

On a calendar.

You are a naughty boy.

Thanks for the "boy."

Have you got a needle?

Would you believe it? I don't even have a haystack.

Oh, here is one.

Oh, no, not that. Lie down.

No, wait a minute, let me explain. Oh!

Oh. Oh.

Are you ticklish in this area?

Oh, one touch and I get hysterical.

Be careful or I'll stick you.

Oh, never mind the rip I like casual clothes.

Forget it.

Are you embarrassed in this position?

Well, frankly, it's not my best side.

Now, if I do stick you, scream.

Oh, I may not have time.

Funny, yesterday I never dreamt that,

tonight, you'd be lying on my bed

and me sewing your trousers.

Yeah? Well, that's life.

Two people meet and the next thing you know, ooh, "goodbye."

Darling, keep still. Ooh, ooh.

It was only my fingernail.

Boy, when you call me "darling,"

I feel like I'm going to be alive again.

Ooh! What was that? What... What was that?

I just bit off the thread.

Where's the needle?

Here it is.

It's still a little drafty.

Thank you.

You'd better go, Matt.

When you kiss me, my senses reel.

I feel intoxicated.

I'll hang around until you sober up.

Let's turn this on,

maybe Unga Doola has got some music.

No, it's no use, it's not working.

You're all the music I want.

You're a beautiful symphony with a crazy beat.

Beneath that hard surface, you are a poet.

Yeah, beneath that, a man.

And beneath that...

Say good night and go quickly.

Good night.

How did that happen?

Do we have Mr. Merriwether's little roommate?

Right here.

Oh.

Beautiful. And like all females, deadly.

But, Luba said no violence.

Oh, no violence, no. Just an accident.

We can hardly be held responsible

for the actions of our little jungle friends.

But she's in command.

For the moment, yes.

But once I get the electronic device from his lifeless body,

there may be some changes.

Ooh.

I think he's gone to bed.

Come on.

Come on.

Despite the heat and the ever-present dangers,

I managed to move the safari deep into the impenetrable jungle.

My knowledge of this vast waste land

and my infallible sense of direction

enabled me to find my way

where no man, white or savage, had previously trod.

I like that.

Fore!

Fore?

"Arnold Palmer, number two"?

Pardon me. Have you seen a ball?

Oh, there it is.

Pretty tough lie.

Hey, you look familiar.

I'm Arnold Palmer.

Arnold Palmer, the world-famous golfer?

I'm Matt Merriwether, world-famous...

Hey, but what are you doing out here in this impenetrable jungle

where no man, white or savage, has previously trod?

"Where no man, white or savage, has previously trod"?

How about that?

It's first time I ever shanked a whole safari out of bounds.

Are you a golfer?

I happen to be a scratch player.

In this jungle, who isn't?

Yeah.

Would you like to hit a few?

Have you got any clubs for me?

Boy!

Bring Mr. Merriwether some clubs.

What's that, a member?

That's a zebra.

Yeah, I know.

Sport model jackass.

This is yours, sir.

For me?

Mmm, that's right.

Isn't that nice, a matched set.

A feller by the name of Crosby left those here.

Figures.

Huh, I knew he was slicing,

but I didn't know it was this far.

Yeah, they're Bing's, all right.

Is stiff enough for you?

A little too nervous.

Just hope I can catch it.

Ah!

Does this come with a splint?

Well, if it breaks, your swing isn't right.

Ah, that's better, that goes back to my game.

That's one of our later models.

Yeah, I hope the Flintstones don't ask for this back.

That's a beautiful shot if you can find it.

Let's see you strike one.

All right.

Someone's a sneak, a cheat and a poor sport.

Let's play it fast, before we find out who it is.

Kid, I think I know what your trouble is.

Trouble?

That ball went over 300 yards.

Well, if you're happy with that kind of putting,

don't let me spoil it for you.

Here, let me show you how the low handicapped player does it.

Maybe a little soft shaft for me, but...

It looks like a coffee break at Disneyland.

Well, let's pick out a steak.

It's slicing.

Going behind a tree.

Hey, that's a powerful headwind.

It sure is.

Fore!

Taking notes?

They landed here somewhere.

Shoo, shoo, shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!

Biggest turkeys I've ever seen.

Hey, Arnie! Yeah?

Here you are, I've found them.

Oh, good.

Mine's on the fairway, there's your ball.

Oh?

Oh, that's your ball.

What?

It hasn't got my name on it.

Yeah, yeah.

Guess that's mine out on the fairway.

How about that for luck?

Yeah. Yeah, how about that?

No, no, no.

How many times have I told you

it's got to look like an accident?

Put that wretched thing away.

Fore!

There they go again.

What a stupid game it is, anyway. Come on.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

It must be a painter's picnic.

Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going?

I'm chasing her.

Yeah, but why are you carrying two buckets of sand?

Oh, I caught her yesterday, this is my handicap.

Well, that's a crazy game.

Tell me something. What's that?

If he catches her, who gets to keep the sand?

Well, I imagine... I...

Hmm.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Hey, look, the hole's over there.

You don't know the break.

Yeah, but... But you can't...

Fooled me. I thought it broke to the left.

Back again, huh?

You just take it easy.

Don't panic, anybody. Just take cover.

I'll handle this myself.

Ha!

Don't you want your gun bearers?

No, just a kiss for good luck.

Here, baby.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

What have you been eating?

Steady! We were just friends.

Oh, it was horrible.

It was terrible. That poor beast!

I couldn't stand to see him suffer.

Shall we send a porter back for the tusks?

No, they're coming special delivery.

Do you read me?

Do you read me?

The most dangerous woman in Europe has brought him nothing but happiness.

He's gained weight.

He thrives on her love-making.

Yes, sir. I will tell her.

I will tell her.

I must go now. Roger and out.

Good evening, Mr. Merriwether.

Oh, hiya, Pops.

Do you like Bach?

Oh, I'm not fussy. I'll drink anything.

Luba's gone for a little walk.

I'm sure she'd be pleased if you joined her.

A walk? Where?

Down the little path behind me.

Oh, thank you.

My pleasure entirely.

Luba.

Luba!

Luba!

Oh!

Luba!

Shoo, shoo. Go on, go on, go on.

Help!

Are you all right?

Fred, you better get out of here,

you're liable to get hurt.

Well, it's... It's not broken.

I think it's just stretched a little.

That's what I've always wanted, a long, thin ankle.

Somebody's after you.

And I think it's that Doctor Mungo and his so-called daughter.

Have you flipped your badge?

That sweet old man is just here to carry on his good work.

And as for Luba, you can't knock what she's doing.

Oh, no, but they'll still have to be watched.

Fine. You watch him and I'll watch her.

Well, why didn't you say so?

There's room in my life for both of you.

I just wanted to get this.

Oh!

Well, keep it in a safe place.

Oh, I will.

Yeah, that's the place.

No one but a cad would think of looking there.

Oh, what's this for?

It's a fake. It's just an ordinary radio in there.

Oh, great!

Now I'll be able to hear my own funeral march.

I'm sorry. I could swear I heard something.

It must be tonight.

And remember, if your kisses fail this time,

it'll be this.

He will laugh at your dagger,

as he has laughed at all your other clumsy attempts.

And your kisses?

He's treating this entire trip

like a ride through the tunnel of love.

Hmm.

History has proven that the arms of a woman

can be more dangerous than the mightiest of cannons.

We shall see. Go and make history.

Jack Howard is galloping back,

back he stumbles, but comes up with the ball,

and that does it.

The Dodgers win it six to three.

As for the Giants, five hits and one error.

For the Dodgers, ten hits and no errors.

We'll be back with the line-ups of the second game

of our big double header, in a moment.

But first, a word from our sponsors.

Matt!

Come in.

Oh!

Oh, do you mind if I don't get up?

I'll be back later. No, come here, come here.

Sit down.

The bubbles will keep me covered.

I use Jungle Jasmine.

What would Papa say if he could see us now?

After these few days in the jungle with you,

my discretion has collapsed.

Well, everything else seems to be holding up.

I feel, somehow, you are on a mission

of greater importance than a mere elephant.

What leads you to a wild, fantastic thought like that?

I can see in your eyes what your lips can't say.

Yeah, yeah. I have very expressive eyes.

They're my curse.

Look, I want to ask you something.

Something I've never asked any other woman.

Anything. I can't say no to you.

Would you scrub my back?

What lovely broad shoulders you've got.

Yeah, and I'm not even flexed.

Oh! Oh, that does it.

Oh, you found my fun spot.

Ooh!

Darling... Ooh, yes, yes.

Close your eyes, relax.

What else is there to see?

Ooh!

Are they closed?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, it feels like...

It does.

Matt... Hmm?

If I stay any longer, I can't control myself.

Oh, poor kid.

I've got to start taking ugly pills.

♪ All things bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures large and small ♪

Oh. Oh, you came back, huh?

Don't fight it, baby. It's bigger than both of us.

Oh. Oh, you're getting so good.

Take two quid out of petty cash.

Oh. Oh, I love that. You're a good girl.

Oh. You're...

Say, Frederica! Yes?

Say, there's a lion in my tent.

Yes, I know, I saw her go in.

No, not Luba, a lion lion.

With teeth and a tail and all those extras.

Oh, come on, sit down.

I'll get you a cold compress. I'm all right.

The lion is the... Yes, yes, I know.

Just sit still, calm down.

What was that? FREDERICA: Just the water.

Oh, water.

I thought the lion was taking a shower.

It is transmitting, but probably in code.

Listen.

...worth watching for a brilliant two count.

And with Williams dancing off first.

Watson threw a slider that missed the corner,

and that's with the two fastest running men in the league on base.

What's going on there?

This is what the femme fatale you sent gave me.

Yes, sir, I'm sorry, sir.

Yes, of course, sir. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Roger.

And Wilco.

He's in the bathtub.

Have you got the chloroform?

Yeah. Right here.

Right. Have you got the blanket?

Now, you remember what to do.

Right.

Hurry up, get it on his nose.

Oh, yes, yes.

Come on, then.

He's strong as a lion.

Hurry, hurry. He's pretty hairy, isn't he?

Pick him up. Come on, you got him?

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, then.

He sure got heavy legs.

You got his legs?

Yeah. Funny, me, too.

Hi, Pops. Good evening.

Wait a minute.

Set that down a moment.

Set that thing down.

What do we do now?

I think we ought to have a little meeting.

To what do I owe this pleasure?

Well, Luba's Dad wasn't feeling well, so she's riding with him.

Wonderful girl, all heart.

Bwana. Huh?

Miss Mungo and her father turned off at the last fork.

Turned off?

We're entering Ekele country.

They're racing us for the capsule.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Doc must have felt worse.

I'd better go back and see... Matt, listen.

We can't turn back now.

But, I... I can't leave Luba.

We're almost there. Victory is within our grasp.

Yeah, I was pretty close myself.

Look, Uta, you'd better go back

and see if you can find them.

Right, Bwana.

I can't understand that.

Matt! Huh?

Is this the Ekele village?

It must be.

It's hard to tell, there's so much new building going on.

Well, we're lucky the capsule landed in a place

where you're so well-known.

Oh, it doesn't matter too much.

Ekele, Brooklyn, Liverpool.

I have friends everywhere.

But aren't you going to signal them

to let them know you're here?

Signal?

No, I figure we just grab the capsule and go, you know.

If I show up, they make such a fuss, you know.

Parties, dance at the country club, cookouts.

But in your book you said

that unless they saw your smoke signal

they'd attack with poisoned blowguns.

Yeah, well, sometimes authors exaggerate a little, you know how...

Oh, those blowgun aren't filter-tipped.

No signals, huh?

Cookie, you and the boys get some wood.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh.

How.

Shalom.

Think fast.

I bring you greetings from President Kennedy.

Bobby Kennedy?

Teddy Kennedy?

Jackie?

Caroline?

Peter Lawford?

Frank Sinatra?

These guys must be Republicans.

They don't seem to know you.

Oh, that's ridiculous. They must know me.

I'm in the Yellow Pages.

Check the map, we might be in Ekele, Texas.

Oh.

Please, no brain surgery without a license.

The capsule.

Oh, yeah.

Say, have you chaps, by any chance, seen a...

Oh, maybe they've seen the capsule

or they like balloon-shaped girls.

I'm warning you. You come any closer and...

No more foreign aid.

Easy, boys, easy.

Matt! The capsule!

They're worshipping it.

Maybe they found out what it cost.

You've got a lot to learn about being a host, you know.

You don't have to gift wrap me.

I'd have come in anyway.

What's this? Second leg?

Take me to your leader. Get me a lawyer.

I'll have your jobs for this.

Put me down.

I said, put me down.

Not this far down.

What kind of a party is this?

I'm sorry about this, Fred.

Well, at least we're not alone.

Luba!

What are you doing here?

We got lost, stopped to ask for directions and...

Just happened to stumble onto the capsule.

I told you they were enemy agents.

Let Luba talk for herself.

Matt, what she says was true in the beginning.

But it's not now.

Oh, that's beautiful!

While dear Papa was trying to get me from behind,

you were attacking from the front.

You make these savages look like Boy Scouts.

Matt, darling!

Don't "darling" me.

Stop this bickering.

These people are going to kill us.

Isn't there anything we can do?

Well, I suggest we start praying.

You can. We're not allowed to.

We don't have to take this, we're American citizens.

Get me the U.S. Ambassador!

Get me the White House!

I demand my rights!

See? All you have to do is call their bluff.

Now, you listen to me!

Water, water!

Well, at least the service isn't bad.

What was that all about?

I think they're shopping for dinner.

I hope I'm not ripe.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

Oh, not me. I'm too young to die. Take him.

Wait a minute, it's Friday,

you're supposed to eat fish.

Goodbye, Matt.

I meant what I said last night.

Oh, swell. You can shed a few tears in my gravy.

Mr. Merriwether?

Yes.

Trader Merriwether's son?

I'm his nephew.

Welcome, welcome.

We have waited a long time for this honor.

Well, it's a pleasure to be here in Unc's hometown.

My son. My daughter.

And assorted crooked politicians.

It's nice to meet your family.

Ekele, fastest growing village in Africa,

is happy to welcome brave explorer, author and friend,

Matt Merriwether.

What's that all about?

Wonderful excuse to have a national holiday.

Real Boondoggle.

Oh, Boondoggle.Yeah.

Today, you will take your Uncle's place

as a member of the Ekele Tribe.

Hey, I don't know how to thank you.

Please.

Say, maybe I can return the favor.

How about me taking that big iron bird out of your back yard?

I notice it's blocking the driveway.

No. New totem fall from sky.

Big tourist attraction.

Yeah, I notice. It certainly packed the house today.

Maybe you'd like to trade it in on a newer model.

You know, something with a 21-inch screen.

Matt, don't go near it.

Two of your people meddled with it.

You see them at the execution tonight.

Execution!

You mean you'd kill anyone who...

With music.

Nothing personal or malicious,

just part of our culture.

Chief, if you release them, I'll personally guarantee

that nobody will make any more passes at your sacred totem.

Okay, if you vouch for them.

Papa.

You interested in marrying a nice girl?

Not raving beauty, but old man loaded.

Yeah, well, I'd like to accommodate you, Chief,

but I've already been spoken for.

A social worker back home, I'll tell you.

No hard feeling,

but this one is pretty tough to palm off.

Yeah, well, maybe she'll meet a nice young witch doctor

who's just starting to practice or something.

Hope so.

Witch doctor for a son-in-law,

big status symbol in the jungle.

May I go now?

Ah, yes, but of course.

Oh, Matt, it's a miracle.

How did you do it?

As soon as they found out who I was, they begged for mercy.

You didn't tell them about the capsule?

No, I think I better cool it

until I'm officially a member of the tribe.

A member of the tribe?

Yeah, with all the trimmings.

A big dinner dance tonight.

Some sort of Boondoggle ceremony this afternoon.

Oh no, Matt. No, not the Boondoggle.

It's a test of death.

Oh, well, maybe I'd better tell them I'm not much of a joiner.

And insult them?

Well, that means instant death.

You make everything sound so good.

Matt, I've no right to say this,

but, please, do be careful.

After a lifetime of fearlessness, it won't be easy.

This is your first test of bravery.

He will throw spears close to you.

The closer they come the braver you are.

But if you move, you lose face.

And if I don't move, I won't need a face.

What happened to these kids?

Did they move?

No. Bad spear thrower.

Well, who's throwing today?

Same boy.Huh?

But he's been practicing.

Oh. Well, that's good.

Matt, you were wonderful.

I'm proud of you.

Ah, just a mass of bravery.

On to the test by fire.

Then you're one of the tribe.

Ah, wonderful meal, Chief.

So glad you liked it. Baked baboon is my favorite.

Yup.

Oh, was that baked baboon?

And thank you for your delicious wine.

Great.

As soon as he finishes my shaving lotion,

we'll ask him about the capsule.

Go, Chief, go.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I'd better keep an eye on Papa.

Shall we dance, Matt?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Will you pardon us, Chief?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't get anything on you.

That will be all, my dear.

Look at that bird.

Dig that cat.

Matt, I've enjoyed knowing you,

no matter what happens.

Yeah, but what's going to happen?

This dance isn't that dangerous.

Ezra is. He's going after the capsule tonight.

Yeah, but why are you telling me this?

Because, if he takes it, what will happen to you when the Chief finds out?

Baked Merriwether.

Uh-oh.

Don't ask questions. Just do what I do.

Let me do the... Oh, sorry.

Let me do the talking.

Okay, okay. Nookie-nookie. Poom-poom. That a-way.

Luba!

What?

You startled me.

Hold it.

Okay, try her again.

Come on.

See if you can find me a bigger log.

Come on, man, stop dawdling, get on with it.

Take it easy this time.

Move it. In here?

Huh? All right.

Gentlemen, the enemy is behind us.

Merriwether and Luba jumped on the truck.

They got in the capsule.

Ah, there they are. How convenient!

Bon voyage!

The Ekeles will take care of that part of the job.

Come on, we've got everything we want.

Oh.

It's no use, we're locked in.

That's what I like, a padded cell. Oh.

Matt, I can't breathe in here.

Boy, if you can't, we're really in trouble.

There must be an oxygen tank here somewhere.

I think we've got something here.

What button did I push?

I don't know.

I'll try this one.

Oh!

Mmm.

Maybe you'd better press another button.

Yeah!

I must remember those buttons.

This one goes right, this one goes left.

This one goes forward.

I wonder what this one does?

Oh, Matt, we're going backwards.

Yeah. This will fix it.

My real name is Lolita, you see.

And I was about 12 at the time.

I was a well developed child, of course,

but then I've always been forward for my age.

I didn't really think anything about it...

Well, as I was saying, I didn't really think anything about it.

I was deprived at childhood.

What's this?

Hey, look.

Oh, Matt, turn left.

Left! Right! Right! Right! Right! Right!

Oh!Oh, I...

I give up, you push something.

Red Alert, top priority.

Unidentified object heading this way.

It must be ours. It's locked in on our range.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

I know it's impossible, sir.

The impossible's going to happen

in two minutes thirty-two seconds.

We'd like to report to Washington immediately.

In that outfit?

What do you want me to do? Wait for Thanksgiving?

Mr. Merriwether,

congratulations on a magnificent and heroic achievement.

On behalf of the United States...

Yeah, that's fine, Colonel,

but I want you to do something, it's very urgent.

You see, I left a CIA agent over in the jungle.

Fred Larsen?

That's all right, we've got a message from Makuta.

She's safe and sound.

Oh, that's wonderful, Colonel.

And now I'd like to explain this lovely young stranger

who came over to our side.

No explanation necessary, Mr. Merriwether.

Every move you made in the capsule was watched

by tracking stations all over the world.

Yeah, well...

You mean it was on television?

Everything?

Everything.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You make the most wonderful breakfast, darling.

Call me Bwana.

Oh, it's time for his 6:00 feed.

Let me do it.

Baby, Daddy's coming.

You're wrong, he's adopted.

♪ In the heart of jungle territory

♪ They call me Bwana

♪ From Kilimanjaro down to the sea

♪ They call me Bwana

♪ When the natives see me coming

♪ All the drummers start a drumming

♪ A ceremonial welcome for me, Bwana

♪ All the village maidens fall at my feet

♪ They call me Bwana

♪ Then they started twisting primitive beats, Americana

♪ Who can think about safari

♪ While the jungle nights are starry

♪ And the air is filled with passionate heat

♪ Bwana manana