Original subtitles

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Hey, Andy!

Barney!

I'm here!

Who in the world's that?

I don't know.

You don't suppose

that could be Big Jeff Pruitt?

Hiya, fellas.

Well, Jeff, how in the world are ya?

How's the fishin'?

Oh, fine.

Hello, there, little buddy.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, now, put me down.

Glad to see ya, Barney.

What in the world brings you to town, Jeff?

You buyin' or sellin'?

Well I ain't buyin' or sellin'... I'm lookin'.

Yeah? Lookin' for what?

A bride. A bride?

You mean like a wife to marry?

That's the kind. Well, that's good news, Jeff,

but what are ya lookin' here in town for?

I mean, if you're fixin' to marry, what about Bertha?

Bertha?

Well, what are ya lookin'

so surprised for?

She's lived on the farm

next to yours all her life,

ad everybody figgered, if you got married,

why, you'd marry her.

Well, sure, I like Bertha.

I mean, she's real good company, and good competition, too.

Always gives me a run for my money

every time we're milking the cows

and calling the hogs...

And doggone if I don't have

to take a backseat every time we pick tobacca,

but I don't wanna marry her.

No, for marryin', a fella wants a...

a female type.

You know, kinda soft and squishy-like.

I figger the right place

to find one of 'em's right here in town.

Well, there ought to be a few

answerin' that description around here.

Sure. I only need one.

I figure I'll stick around town a couple days,

look over the available stock,

and pick one out and take her back to the farm.

Whoa, now. Wait a minute, Jeff.

Now, hold the phone.

You can't pick out a wife in just two days.

Why not?

How ya know you're gonna find one

that wants to marry ya that quick?

I'm good-lookin', ain't I?

Well, yeah.

I'm strong enough

to protect a woman, ain't I?

Well, sure.

Got one of the best farms in the county, ain't I?

Well, yeah.

Well, then shouldn't take more than two days.

Say, listen, you want us

to help you find a bride, Jeff?

Oh, well, now, Barney,

I don't know that we're exactly geared

for that line of work.

While we're out trackin' down desperate criminals,

we might as well just keep an eye open

for a woman for Jeff.

Yeah, I guess we could.

Next time we go out on a manhunt,

we'll make it a womanhunt, too.

That's a good'n, Andy.

How 'bout that, little buddy?

Ain't that a good one?

I sure do appreciate you boys wantin' to help me out.

Oh, well... Meanwhile, I figure I'll go out

and do a little scoutin' on my own. Okay.

Andy, good to see ya.

So long there, little...

I don't wanna miss seein' a single one of 'em.

After all, I figure that every girl in Mayberry

deserves a chance.

Trouble with Jeff, he never got over his shyness.

Hi, Paw.

Well, hi, Ope.

Guess who I just saw.

Who?

Jeff Pruitt.

Yeah, he come in town this mornin'.

Guess what I saw him doin'?

What?

Standin' on the corner pickin' up girls.

What do you know about pickin' up girls?

Gosh, Paw, what's there to know?

Whenever a girl walks by,

he just picks her up, and then sets her down,

and says, "'Scuse me, ma'am.

Just checkin' your weight."

For heaven sakes.

Opie, you better run along.

I got business to attend to.

Imagine... caring how much a girl weighs.

Oh, my goodness! Put me down!

Jeff, quit that.

Quit what?

I'm just lookin'.

Well, you can't do it.

Put her down, put her down, put her down.

Uh... excuse us, April.

Excuse us.

Jeff, you can't do that.

You can't be pickin' them girls up off their feet

right on the main street.

It ain't a marketplace for brides, for heaven sakes.

That's what I came to town for.

How can I find a bride if I ain't out lookin'?

Well, you can't do it that way.

Come on over at the house.

We'll have a mouthful to eat,

and maybe Aunt Bee'll have

some thoughts on the matter.

I kind of hate to leave my post.

A good'n might come along while I'm gone.

Jeff! Come on.

Mmm! Aunt Bee, that sure was good eatin'.

Well, thank you, Jeff.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'm sorry we only had one leg of lamb.

Oh, now, don't you worry 'bout that.

Sometimes I take on a little light dinner

and, later on, I really pack it in for supper.

Yeah, this little gal I'm fixin' to marry's

gonna have to be a good cook.

Say, Aunt Bee...

you got any possibles for me to look over?

Several. But, Jeff,

you don't pick up a wife like that.

You study over her,

and she studies over you.

Some folks take as long as a year to decide.

A whole year?

That long?

Aw, but, Aunt Bee, that doesn't...

Have I got it. Have I got it!

Got what, Barn?

Have I got the answer for you.

You found me a bride.

A whole houseful of 'em.

You can have your pick.

What's this, Barney?

Well, Thelma Lou... She's havin' a hen party

over at her house tonight,

and what would be a better time for Jeff to see

everythin' Mayberry had to offer all at once?

Tonight?

Yeah. There's gonna be

a whole mess o' pretty girls over there tonight, Jeff.

You'll have yourself a time.

Uh, uh... Barney?

If this is strictly a female party,

how you figger on gettin' Jeff invited?

I-I mean, you can't just go barrelin' in.

Well, you see, Thelma Lou and I already have that worked out.

We're just gonna kinda casually drop by

and then, well, once we're inside...

I can look over the whole crop

and pick out the best one.

That's the idea.

Oh, Barney, you're a real little buddy!

Put me down! Put me down!

Listen to 'em gigglin' in there.

You two stay here.

I'll go around back and contact Thelma Lou,

and see if they're ready for us.

Is everything all right, honey?

I dropped a few hints that Jeff Pruitt's in town,

and he's lookin' for a bride.

Barney, I don't know whether we ought to do this.

Oh, no, no, no! It'll be fine, now.

It's kind of fun, you know, controlling destiny like this.

I don't know.

Will ya leave it to me?

Now, I'll go get them, and we'll make our surprise entrance.

You sure are sweet to help out.

It's all set, fellas.

Now, remember, act surprised to see a roomful of girls.

I'll get it, Thelma Lou.

Thanks, Mary.

Oh, hi, Mary.

Oh, excuse us.

We didn't know Thelma Lou had company.

We was just stoppin' by. This here

is Jeff Pruitt.

Hello, Mr. Pruitt.

How do? I hope we're not intrudin' or anything.

Well, no, you're not intrudin' at all.

Oh, well, good.

How are you, Mary?

We didn't know Thelma Lou had company.

We was just stoppin' by.

This here is Jeff Pruitt.

Hi, girls.

Nice to know ya, Jeff.

Hello. Nice to see you.

By golly, I...

I never saw so many pretty girls.

Did I fix it up or did I fix it up, huh?

Wonder which one he'll pick.

I don't know.

It's hard to tell.

He's like a fella in a fancy restaurant.

He wants to order somethin',

but there's too much on the menu.

Hi, Barney, Andy.

Oh, hey, Thelma Lou.

Here we are, girls.

Oh, pardon me.

Need any help?

Oh, no, thanks.

I'll get some coffee.

Evening, Jeff.

Evenin'.

How are you?

Hi, girls.

Nice party, isn't it?

Well, what do you think, Jeff?

Lotta spirited females in Mayberry, huh?

Yeah.

What's the matter, Jeff?

Did ya spot a winner already?

I sure enough believe I have, little buddy.

Which one?

That one right over there.

Uh... are you sure?

Oh, I'm sure. You bet.

Well, if that's the one you want,

I'm sure she's a real fine girl.

Are you sure that's the one?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, all right, then.

Let's, uh... let's go and meet her.

Oh, uh, hello.

Uh, uh, you wanna meet her, don't you?

Oh, sure, I do.

Well, come on... Uh...

Mmm... mmm... no.

Jeff, she's... I mean, she and I...

Andy! Andy!

Jeff!

Mm-mm, Jeff, mm-mm, yeah, not that...

Andy, uh, Jeff... you see, Jeff, she...

Jeff, she... Jeff...

Of all the insane notions!

Of all the insane notions!

Us findin' a bride for him.

Just show me somewhere in the Sheriff's Manual

where it says we're supposed to run around

finding brides for people!

Go on! Show me! Show me!

Barney... I'm disappointed in you, Andy.

I am really disappoint... I can't remember

when I have been this disappointed in you.

What are you disappointed in me for?

Well, why didn't you stop me?

Well, I couldn't stop you.

That's right. That's right.

Pass the buck.

Barney, I'm not passing the buck.

I'm just reminding you of the facts.

The facts are Jeff come to town, said he was looking for a bride,

you said you'd help him,

and the way you helped,

you took him over to Thelma Lou's

and that's how it all happened.

Oh, why hash over ancient history?

It's all in the past.

The thing now is what to do about it.

Well, I guess that's sensible.

I guess that is sensible.

And I guess the first thing to do is to go and talk to Jeff

and see if you can straighten him out.

Yeah, that's the first thing you've said today

that made any sense.

I'll go talk to...

Where do you reckon he is?

I don't know.

I guess he's over at Thelma Lou's.

Thelma Lou?!

Thelma Lou!

I'm here!

Oh... Hello.

Hi, sugarplum.

How are you?

Oh... Fine.

I brought you these.

Well, Jeff,

there's something we've got to clear up

between you and me

before this goes any further.

There is?

Mm-hmm.

Of course there is.

Now, I know I got no call to ask you to marry me

the first time we meet.

It ain't respectable.

So I'll tell you what I'll do...

I'll go away for a bit, and come back,

and it'll be our second visit.

By then, it'll be respectable.

Here.

You like 'em?

Yes.

Oh... Ooh!

Jeff!

Come on, now, Thelma Lou.

You know you love it!

Oh, please!

Thelma Lou, you're juicier

than a barrelful of corn squeezin's.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Pruitt!

Oh, hi, little buddy.

I wanna talk to you about Thelma Lou.

I can't never thank you enough

for bringing me to her.

That's just the point, Jeff.

You can't have Thelma Lou.

Huh? I... I can't?

You can't have her 'cause she's mine.

Yours?

Well, that's right. Everybody knows that.

She's my girl.

Everybody knows that, for heaven's sakes.

You engaged to her?

Well, not exactly.

Did you ask her to marry ya?

Well, no.

Well, then it kinda appears that

she's really more my girl than she is yours,

'cause I ain't gonna beat around the bush.

I got my mind made up, and I'm gonna ask her real quick.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna get some more sweet peas.

You know, for just a minute there, little buddy,

you had me real worried.

I'll see ya, little buddy.

Why, hello, Barney.

Thelma Lou, it's got to stop!

What's got to stop?

And it's got to stop right now.

Nip it!

Nip it in the bud.

Nip what in the bud?

You and Jeff, that's what.

Nip it. Tell him you're mine.

Barney Fife, I do believe you're jealous.

Doggone it, Thelma Lou, you're my girl, ain't ya?

Of course I am.

All right then, nip it! Tell him.

All right, I'll tell him.

You're darn right, you will.

Doggone it, Thelma Lou, you're mine, and you know it.

And you better let him know it.

And that's an order!

I had to do it, Andy.

I hate to get rough with a woman.

You know that.

Oh, I know that.

It was just one of them situations.

Wasn't nothing else I could do.

I just had to adopt a "get tough" policy.

And that settled things?

Oh, sure. What else?

You know what I mean, Andy.

I mean, when I lay the law down

to Thelma Lou... or to any other woman...

That's it.

Well, if that's it, what's that?

What's what?

Barney, where you going?

I got to fight him, Andy!

I've got to fight for what's mine.

You can't fight Jeff Pruitt. He could kill you.

What do you expect me to do? Roll over and play dead?

There's such a thing as self-respect,

and a man can lose a lot of things,

but he can't lose that!

Barney, I can't let you do it.

This is my business!

You got no right to stop me!

I got more than a right. I got a duty!

Barney, you're a deputy sheriff.

Now, how would it look, a deputy sheriff

mixin' in a roughhouse brawl with a civilian?

I don't care! A man's got to do what he's got to do!

Barney, I forbid you to fight Jeff Pruitt,

and that's a order!

Oh, that's silly.

Barney hasn't lost me to Jeff Pruitt

or anyone else.

Well, he saw Jeff walkin' with you,

and he knows he's been bringin' you flowers.

What about that?

I've tried to discourage him, Andy,

but I don't wanna be rude and hurt him.

And he's so persistent.

Yeah, he is that.

Jeff's a good old buddy.

He just don't know any better.

Well, seems to me

he's got to learn he can't pick a wife

like he would another head of livestock.

What makes him think

I'd wanna go live on a farm with him?

Well, I'll tell you one thing...

Jeff wouldn't be able to live in town.

No. Fellas like him's

been used to living out in the open that way,

why, he'd kick like a buckin' bronco cooped up.

You know...

Thelma Lou, we're gonna have to do a little bronco bustin'.

You mean there's a chance she might not wanna marry me?

That's right, Jeff,

but don't you get discouraged now.

There's just as good a chance

that she might wanna marry ya if...

If what?

If you fill the bill

on what's her idea of a dream prince.

Well, I sure like that little gal.

I aim to please her.

Good. Good.

Now, the first thing, you got to cut out the rough stuff.

You got to quit pickin' up Thelma Lou

every time you see her, and shakin' her.

I do?

Yeah. You got to be gentle with her.

What would do when you see her

is you bow from the waist, take ahold of her hand...

Don't squeeze. Just easy.

Now, if you're feelin' real bold,

you give her fingers a little kissy.

Like that.

That's bold?

That's the gentleman's way.

Everything's gonna be fine.

It just takes practice.

You wanna please your bride-to-be, don't you?

Sure I do.

All right. Then you're gonna have to learn these things.

You know what Thelma Lou always says.

She always says

that she likes a man with etiquette

and social grace.

Ain't that right, Aunt Bee?

If she said it once,

she said it a thousand times.

Yes, sir, and you're really gonna have to learn these things.

Now, come on, one more time.

Practice makes perfect.

This is your cookie plate.

That's your teacup.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Good.

Good.

Good.

One more time.

This is your cookie plate.

That's your teacup.

Aw, but, Andy,

what do I need a new suit for?

Jeff, we got you acting like a gentleman.

Now we got to get you lookin' like one.

Aw, but, Andy, I... And, when we do,

you'll be ready for a date with Thelma Lou.

Well... Good evenin', Jeff.

Evenin', Thelma Lou.

Come on in.

Let me take your hat.

Thank you.

My, don't you look nice.

That's a good-lookin' suit.

The biggest one they had.

How about something to eat?

I've made some supper for us.

That sounds good.

I'm starved.

You come right over here and sit down.

Honey pie, somebody got in your food

and tore it into little teeny pieces.

Oh, you silly boy.

They're finger sandwiches.

Well?

Kinda good.

Whets my appetite for supper.

Why, Jeff, this is supper.

You're joking.

Why, no.

Can you honestly call that a meal?

I believe in keeping trim.

Trim? Why, there ain't enough meal there to...

to get skinny on.

Jeffrey, you say the wittiest things.

Now, you just sit right back there

and enjoy your supper.

Come in.

Hi, there, you two.

Have I got news for you.

It's about a house.

A house for us?

I been speaking to Tom Biggers,

and he's got three dandy ones for sale.

You can take your pick.

What do I want with a house in town, Andy?

I got a farm already.

Oh, you'll be sellin' that and movin' into town

now that you're marryin' Thelma Lou.

I'm afraid I'm just not the farm girl type, Jeff.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, Jeff understands.

And that ain't the only good news.

I been lookin' into some jobs you can get.

Jobs?

That's right. There's a opening down at the bank.

They need another guard.

Or you can work in the vegetable department

over at Crowley's Market.

Or... and I saved the best for last...

You can go right to work as a shoe clerk

at Harvey Willick's store. Huh?

Yes, I believe that is best.

I think, Jeff, that's the job we'll take.

And then I... We?

Now, just a darn minute here, you two.

If you think I'm gonna work in a shoe store,

you got another think comin'.

There never was, and there never will be,

a Pruitt that ever worked in a place

that had a roof on it.

And there never was a Pruitt that ever wore a tie,

or ever wore a suit...

or ever tried to ride a cup and saucer

piggyback on his knee.

You know something, Thelma Lou?

I believe you're tryin' to change me.

Why, Jeff...

And I ain't gonna have no part of it!

I'm goin' back to Bertha.

At least she likes me the way I am.

The deal's off.

Barney, what are...?

I know I promised, but I can't help it.

A man's got to do what he's got to do.

Barney, you can't...

No, Andy. All right, Jeff, put 'em up!

I said put 'em up. I'm gonna fight ya.

I don't wanna fight you, Barney.

Either fight or get out of here.

I'm going. I'm going.

Well, how about that?

Well, you know the old saying...

"The bigger they come, the harder they fall."

And here's another old saying, baby...

"To the winner belongs the spoils."

Come here, you.

You know something, Andy?

What?

That little incident with Jeff

really taught me something.

It did? Yeah.

You don't actually have to use physical force

if you just show the other fella you mean business.

Just quietly let him know

that you got it if you need it.

Walk softly, and carry a big stick, huh?

That's about it.

Well, how do you like that?

Joe Waters ought to know better than that.

I'll handle this.

Hey, Joe!

You know that's a no parking zone.

Now, you get if you know what's good for you.

What was that you said?

I don't chew my cabbage twice!

Now, you get that car out of here!

Why, you little...

Okay, Barney. Okay.

That's the way I like to handle it.

Be firm, send them on their way.

I hate fighting.

It's ugly.