Original subtitles

you

Ordinary morality is for ordinary people.

This is for not returning my lawnmower!

Always give back the things that you borrow.

That hostile Gato.

I want to grow up to be just like him.

You mean a sad, pathetic, muscle -bound, dumb -as -rocks, middle -aged mama's

boy? Yeah, he's a true hero.

Bah, he's no hero. That term has been so twisted that nobody even knows what it

means anymore.

Hey, Billy, guess what, yo? My mom says it's safe for you to sleep over now. I'm

over my special problem, yo.

You're a hero.

Uh, I just ate 12 pizzas without throwing up. You're a...

I just popped a huge pus -filled pimple on my back.

You're a hero!

See what I mean?

Back in the old days, you'd have to do something really exceptional to be

a hero, like slaying an evil wizard or rescuing a princess.

But the one surefire way of instantly becoming a hero was to fight a mighty

dragon in a one -on -one battle.

Okay, I'll try that.

Try what?

Fighting a dragon, so that I may become a hero, too.

You wouldn't last one one -trillionth of a second.

As much as I'd like to see you get ripped to shreds by a dragon, okay, you

do it. And I know just the person to train you.

Where are we, Grim? We're in the Middle Ages, a time when noble knights put on

about 20 extra pounds and decided to buy fast horses so they could still impress

the damsels in distress.

So when are we going to find a dragon, Grim?

First, Billy, you must learn from the greatest dragon slayer who ever slew a

dragon.

Hey, Punchy.

What is it, little boy?

We need you to do something for us.

What do you want?

We need someone to turn this pathetic, sad idiot of a boy into a pathetic, sad

dragon slayer. I have a strict policy.

I don't work with idiots.

All right, I'll cut you a deal.

You train Billy to last at least one minute against a dragon, and I'll let

beat the snot out of Grim any time you... Deal.

Mike, don't remind me.

All right, listen.

If we do this, we do this my way or not at all. But be warned, the training will

be long, grueling, and painful, like when I make a dinky.

But I will guarantee you this. After the agonizing, tortuous training is

complete, maybe, just maybe, if you're lucky, I'm not making any promises, but

if you play your cards right, you might, just might, probably, probably become a

hero.

But most likely not.

Wait a second. Prepare to side wipe.

Now listen, Albert.

Before we get to the actual combat training, first things first. I need

list of doors done.

But I want to learn how to kill!

In due time, Albert. Start the training montage footage.

Take it you're upset by something.

Oh, yeah.

I'm tired of doing your stupid chores for you.

You said you were going to teach me how to slay a dragon so that I could become

a hero.

But so far, I haven't learned jack squat.

I say you have learned jack squat.

Grab that sword next to you.

Show me fan the flies.

Show me scrub my back.

Now show me chop the wood.

Oh, I get it. By working me nearly to death doing all these chores, you were

secretly teaching me combat training.

You are the greatest dragon slayer in the world.

No, Bobby.

Before you go and challenge any dragon to deadly combat, you must first learn

about your enemy.

Can I just find a dragon and chop his head off and eat his skin and wear his

bones like a hat?

Not yet.

Now listen carefully.

There, beyond those hills, lies the last living dragon, and goes by the terrible

name of Killdozer.

I want you to go there and observe him in secret. Find his weakness. You must

remain out of sight, for he won't hesitate to eat you whole.

Then can I eat its skin and wear its bones like a hat?

Ah, yes.

Whoever...

and eat your skin and wear your bones like a head.

Hold on.

Hi, Billy. Welcome to my home. My name's... Harold.

No, no, no, no. Irving.

Sylvester. Ricardo.

Samuel. Poncho. Jamal.

Hey, Killdozer.

What's with all this exercising junk?

I like to work out. It keeps my mind sharp and focused.

You like shakes? I like shakes. Hey, you want to try one of my health shakes?

Yeah, not right now.

dragon's weakness, Billy?

I sure did.

Are you ready to be a hero, then?

Yes! Good. Then your journey is almost complete. Only one thing remains.

Hello?

Hello, vicious dragon.

This is Sir Boss Del Guapo. You may have heard of me. The world's greatest

dragon slayer.

Oh, sorry.

Any dragon must accept any challenge made against him, no matter what the

See you at Tartarus, dragon.

Tell Killdozer I said hi.

No, get away.

Tell him. I said no. Hi, Killdozer. Get away from the phone, you little... All

right, Russell, you ready to become the hero you were born to be?

Hi, Billy.

Hi, Killdozer.

Oh, man, cut that out.

Now attack the dragon and bring me back his head.

Yes, sir.

Billy, are you sure you want to go through with it?

Thank you, Min.

Jim, your scythe.

Yeah, what about it? Throw it to Billy, quick.

So where did Boss go to, Grim? I don't know, Mandy.

The sight could have completely obliterated him or zapped him into some

dimension.

Eggrolls! Half off today only!

Eggrolls, half off!

Hello, kind sir. Would you like to come in and try our new...

Oh, I hope Dracula likes these peanut butter and blood cookies I made him.

See you later, kids.

I'm off to bother some old people.

Hey.

Bye. This neutral

country is famous for Swiss cheese, Swiss chocolate, and Swiss bank

What is Peru? What is Switzerland?

Switzerland. Dracula knew that.

Hey, Dracula.

How's my favorite retired monster?

Who you supposed to be?

Uh, I'm the Grim Reaper.

You ain't gonna take Dracula without a fight. Dracula still got lots of ladies

to love.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm your friend, remember?

Here, I brought these for you.

What them?

Cookies. Look more like a box of pity.

Dracula don't need your pity.

Sorry to bother you, Dracula.

I just wanted to do something nice, that's all.

Because you're my childhood hero.

The guy I always looked up to.

Almost like a father figure.

Then, Dracula, see what you got.

Dracula hate peanut butter.

Oh. Tell you what, though.

If you won't, you can go with Dracula to the early bird dinner at Fanny's

Cafeteria. Dracula loved the early bird special.

Especially the fried fish.

What are you doing?

I was gonna drive.

You think Dracula too old to drive?

Dracula show you he still got juice in his caboose.

Hey, Dracula.

Are you okay?

Do Dracula look okay to you?

Are we near Fanny's cafeteria?

I don't think we're near anything.

Why are we out here?

You were the one driving. I thought you knew where you were going.

If you don't like the way Dracula drives, then you take the wheel.

Hang on. I'm going to teleport us home.

Oh, great.

Don't tell me I forgot to charge up the stupid site this morning.

Well, I guess we're walking back.

Dracula getting a tangly feeling.

Must be Dracula's bladder acting up.

Here, let's keep you out of this, son.

Through miles of sand and bleached white dirt.

They shambled on till their ankles hurt.

The buzzard sailed high overhead.

Riding on currents of thick hot dread.

And the sun burned their hearts like an angry woman.

It scorched their souls like an angry woman.

Oh, like an angry woman.

And then out of the west blew a breeze of luck.

Eighteen wheels on a big black truck.

An angel of mercy was wrapped in steel with an unwashed man sticking up

behind the wheel.

And the road stretched on like an angry woman.

And the cab smelled like French fries like an angry woman.

She, you.

An angry woman.

What a smell.

You know, everybody thinks that once a fingernail falls off, it's useless.

But that's wrong. See, I've been writing a book about fingernail arts and

crafts. Here, take a look at this.

What's that?

Fingernail sunglasses.

The hardest part is finding enough fingernails, so sometimes I substitute

toenails. Don't tell no one.

Say, you got some nice ass.

Dracula, go get the heck out of here.

Dracula don't want to end up in Lancaster.

Calm down.

We'll be at the diner soon.

Hey, you two ain't going to steal my fingernail book idea, is you?

No, I promise it's all yours.

Don't nobody tell Dracula what he can or can't do.

Dracula is old man.

If Dracula won't steal something, then Dracula gonna steal it. Dracula, hush,

please.

We're not gonna steal anything.

Think for yourself.

Stop it.

Great. Now I'm mad.

And when I'm mad, the only thing that calms me down is...

the game.

Four in a row. I win again, see?

This is a fun game.

Hey, just a thought. Well, if you're here, who's driving the truck?

Oh,

give me a break.

Well, fellas, I think I'm going to go on my own way. No offense,

but you two kind of creep me out.

Great. Now, how is Dracula supposed to get to the early bird special?

This is all Skeleton Man's fault.

Dracula wanted to call a limo. There aren't any limos in the desert.

You can't tell Dracula what is or ain't in the desert.

Okay, then show me a limo.

There. Dracula see a limo.

That's a cactus.

This limo hurt Dracula's butt.

Sun drop low down in the sky.

Like a... A pair of pants on an urban guy.

Their stomachs cried out with a rumbling roar.

Till they just pert near couldn't walk no more.

They tried to eat a cactus like an angry woman.

And scorpions chased them down like an angry woman.

An angry woman.

Tommy make Dracula even hungrier.

Only there's something to eat.

Pass Dracula some more of that Cajun spice.

Mmm, tasty.

My babies!

Well, maybe if you didn't make your babies so delicious, Dracula wouldn't

had to eat them.

You leave Dracula alone.

I didn't mean to jab me, dang it.

Dracula don't suck.

You're a vampire.

Vampires suck blood.

Ah, see, that's a myth.

Dracula scraped with his fangs and licked up the blood.

Like this.

See?

Scrape and lick.

Scrape and lick.

But what about my poison?

Didn't you just hear Dracula explain the scrape and lick?

Dracula gonna tell it again for dummies that don't pay attention.

Scrape.

Like this.

We are all folks on the wheel.

We are all Halloween.

Dracula?

Dracula, let's leave on the ground. Get his strength back.

Kind of hard, though, with Skeleton Man yelling all night.

Oh, the pain!

never shut up. Well, I would have been quiet if you had just sucked out my

poison. Dracula don't suck.

Dracula scrape and lick, I know.

Now get your butt up.

Dracula still gotta make it to the early bird special.

Why are you such a selfish old man?

What'd you say?

Nobody called Dracula old.

You care more about that stupid buffet that ended yesterday than you do about

me. What do you know about me?

Nothing. You don't even know my name.

Your name is Dummy. And if you knew anything about anything...

You know there's an early bird special every single day of the week. You just

don't understand.

You'll never understand.

Never.

No proud fish for draggling in.

Fraggle, fraggle.

Bad bandit.

Actually,

we prefer people of sand.

And after all the nice things I did for him, he's still... acts like a big jerk.

I'm sorry to hear that, Grim.

Still, you're pretty lucky having someone to look up to.

Out here, I don't have anyone. It's just me.

And it gets lonely.

So very, very lonely.

Do you ever get lonely, Grim?

Hey, those microwave pizzas must be done by now. Oh, I'll go check.

Why is my arm all itchy?

Those look like rape marks.

Dracula sure hope nobody see him do this.

I gotta go. I gotta go find Dracula.

Here, take my car.

Thanks.

He drove fast.

He drove far.

He busted them dunes in his big old car.

The buzzards fled at the sight of him.

The tide of the wonder they call real.

They went over the speed limit like an angry woman.

They caused property damage like an angry woman.

Oh, man.

Just like an angry woman.

Ah.

That was some mighty fine fried fish.

Yes, it was, Dracula.

Yes, it was.

Your check.

Gentlemen. Thank you, baby.

How much do I owe?

Oh, no, no, no. This one on Dracula.

Thank Dracula.

Dracula, pay it up front so we can get going.

What a will guy.

Adrian, how is... I don't want to talk about it.

You know, everybody thinks that once a fingernail falls off, it's useless.

But that's wrong.

The hardest part is finding the fingernails, so sometimes I substitute

Don't tell no one.