Original subtitles

Alicia: Take one, pass it on.

[Baby coos]

Kate: Say "Hi Auntie Kate". Hi.

What's this?

Hear ye, hear ye?

This is a little excessive.

Well, they only turn one, once.

And we are doing a whole princess theme.

It's gender neutral of course.

You have a registry?

Well, you guys know how it is.

We keep on getting the same gifts.

I mean, how many "Goodnight Moons"

can one child own?

Well, this way I can let you know

exactly what baby Mabel needs.

She's going to need years of therapy.

Well, I think it's really cute, Alicia.

Thank you, Jenny.

You know, I was sort of hoping this party

could help bridge the gap between all of us.

Beautiful.

I was actually a princess

for Halloween a couple years ago.

Of course you were.

Just because I like to fem it up,

doesn't mean that I'm not strong.

I don't know, in my line of work,

if you dress up girly,

you are asking to be treated differently.

So, what's wrong with that?

I like to be treated differently.

No you don't, it drives you crazy.

Kate, I feel like you're projecting.

I'm not.

Anne, back me up. I'm not projecting.

Hmm, you might be projecting.

But she's being super annoying.

No question.

Seriously? How has playing the card ever helped?

What card?

You know the card, we've all played the card.

Val's played the card.

Yeah, you know. The helpless girl card.

You ever played dumb to get a guy to do some work for you?

Or pretend that you don't know how to do your taxes?

Or, like fake an orgasm because you medically can't?

And you're sick of... Of explaining it.

So you know, not everyone can cum.

[Baby coos]

Okay, so we have covered a lot

of really important topics here, today.

I think I'm gonna go ahead and call it.

- Yeah, all right. - Great.

♪

Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com

Kate: Okay. So Mom, this list covers all contacts

you'll need in an emergency situation with Charlie.

Really? Look.

There is his pediatrician, his dentist.

Emergency room, which is a good one, right?

And uh, fire department.

What circumstance would constitute

calling the fire department?

Well, obviously if he's on fire.

Of course. Kate, you act like

I never raised you and your sister.

You turned out fairly decently.

Mm-hmm.

So this bad boy covers anything

from your standard candle falling over,

to a full-on grease fire.

- Morning. - Good morning.

Thanks for watching Charlie.

It's what I live for.

Besides, I didn't like that Rebecca.

Her face was off.

Anyway Mom, here is Charlie's schedule.

I also have it printed on his bedroom door,

- just so you... - Yeah, and if you miss those,

there's about 20 more around the house.

Okay enough, both of you go. I've got this.

Thank you, Eleanor.

And you're okay watching Olly, right?

Who's Olly?

My dog, Mom, of 16 years?

Oh, of course.

Him.

He won't bite the baby, will he?

Of course not, they're brothers.

I just don't think dogs should be around children.

Okay, we should go.

Thank you again, Eleanor, for saving us.

- Thanks, Mom. - Bye, bye.

- Bye, Charlie. - Bye, buddy.

- Bye, Mom. - Yeah. Go.

Let's go. Come on.

Let's go.

What shall we do?

[Phone ringing]

[Dance music plays]

♪

♪

Gena: You think he hunts?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

That new manager's got forearms like a couple of logs.

[Small laugh]

Yeah, I bet you could have sex with him,

without even touching the ground.

Yeah, pretty sure I scared him off.

How do you even access a guy like that?

From the looks of it,

dark lagers, woodsy cabin.

Hold up, here he comes.

Anyway, so I'm just gonna file these.

Uh, please do not file those, Gena.

I've been organizing them for weeks.

Relax, Gary. Hey, hey!

Marvin: Hey, ladies. How's it goin'?

[Chuckles] Not too bad.

Except for, I think I just downloaded a virus.

- [Laughing] - You what?

No, I was... I was kidding. It won't happen again.

Sorry, what won't happen again?

Did you, or did you not download a virus?

No, I didn't. It was a bad joke.

Um, why would you joke about that?

This is a tech company, Jenny.

I know. I was just messing around.

[Gena mouths] What the fuck?

Okay. Um... I gotta go.

But sorry, just to be really clear,

there's no virus that I need to worry about?

No. No virus.

Nothing here but a... A silly jokester.

[Gena and Jenny laugh]

That's funny.

[Laughing]

Okay.

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

Have I been out of the game that long?

I thought I was being cute.

That read like a drunk stewardess.

That was mortifying.

Not that you're even available,

but why don't you just try being yourself?

What if I don't know what that is?

Well, maybe it's time you figure that out.

Or I don't know, you could just focus on your marriage,

and your new baby.

Gary: Jenny?

In future, protocol stipulates you shouldn't open emails

from people that you don't recognize.

[In unison] Fuck off, Gary.

Yeah. Yeah.

♪

James: So she said I sent it to her over the holidays.

I would never send her a picture of my penis.

I'm a talk show host, not a politician.

Mo: Of course not, James.

I mean, she'd be lucky to see my penis.

She wishes she saw my penis.

We all wish we saw your penis.

[Awkward chuckle]

Well, we all have seen your penis.

Now, moving on, the good news is,

your face isn't in the pic, so it could be anyone's dick.

Kate, let me.

Well, it's obviously his dick. It's a fine dick.

Mo: It's an amazing dick.

But what I'm saying is that

this doesn't necessarily read as yours.

I mean, this woman has no proof.

I literally just said that. No proof that it's your dick.

Kate, if you don't mind,

I'd like to know what Mo has to say.

So what you're saying is,

if I tell people it's not me, people will buy that, no?

Mo and Kate: Yes.

Now, are there any other images of you two out there,

that could prove you're romantically linked?

No. I was very discreet.

Are you sure? Because you never know,

someone may have snapped a pic of you guys together somewhere.

Jesus, lady, I just said I was discreet.

What have you got, tampons in your ears?

Excuse me?

Relax. It's a joke.

You're going to be fine, James.

We'll put together a statement for you to review.

Good, thank you, Mo.

- Of course. - May I speak?

Now I want you to lay low until we make a statement.

Do you understand?

Yes. I'm not a child.

Could have fooled me, with the size of that dick.

We'll take care of it, James.

You just do your thing.

Ah, he's gone.

Good job.

[Kate sighs]

I guarantee you, there are pics of that guy and that girl,

making out in some club, somewhere.

Okay, he isn't the easiest client, but he is the client.

And biting your tongue every once in a while,

empowers them to reveal more.

And... also part of this job is being likeable.

I'm sorry, I am likeable.

I'm super fuckin' likeable.

Yeah, you are. So bring it.

We'll get more work done that way.

Look at me giving advice to the competition.

How is that advice?

[Woman laughs]

Thank you, it was my mother's dress.

Anne: See? Slutty is hereditary.

Kate: Anne...

No way. You are not slutty.

You were just... uh, festive.

Are you kidding me?

My nine-year old is highly provocative,

and my baby is already showing clear signs

of sexual aggression.

At bath time, she pushes her privates

towards the running faucet.

- Stop it. - Mm-hm.

- Stop it. - She does.

Well that's a great trick.

She's a sexual prodigy, if you ask me.

No, I'm shuttin' it down.

I'm turning my house into a nunnery.

Come on, that's not you.

Don't you remember every wild girl we went to school with?

They all had one thing in common: strict parents.

See, you don't get it, because you have a boy.

You're not worried about him being penetrated.

Whoa, jury is out on that, okay?

If he wants to be penetrated one day,

who am I to get in the way?

Woman: More wine? You're a bad influence.

[Laughs]

Anne: So how does one raise normal, human females?

Well, it's controversial,

but you could try talking to them.

Ah, I don't want to.

I just want her to feel shame, you know.

- Deep shame. - Mm-hmm.

Tell ya what, if you don't have to talk to your daughters

about sexuality - nightmare -

then I don't have to wear a princess dress

to an infant's birthday party.

Oh. I can't eat all this.

No shit, you ordered an entire rotisserie chicken.

[Birds chirping]

[Frankie singing softly]

♪ Mommy is just gonna close her eyes ♪

♪ Mommy is just gonna close her eyes ♪

[Head sliding against bathtub]

[Door opens] Giselle: Frankie!

[Shuts off the water]

Frankie, what the hell?

What's happening? I wasn't asleep.

Really? I didn't just walk in our baby,

nearly floating as you napped.

Thank god she sat up.

That's great!

She's sitting up on her own!

Don't! Don't try and flip this.

Flip what? She's ahead of the curve, man.

We've got to celebrate.

I'm going to bust out that fondue pot.

You've been in a real dark place.

No, I've just been really tired.

Honestly, honestly, just the water just felt so good,

and warm, and I just...

That's all.

I don't know how to help you.

You've been distant and weird, and...

This can't happen again.

I want you to call that angry girl from your group.

- Angry girl? - The therapist.

Could probably give you a good rate since you're friends.

Anne? I don't think she likes me.

Besides, that's totally crossing a boundary.

You just passed out with our daughter in the tub.

Boundary crossed.

Besides, it'd be nice if something useful

came out of that group.

That group is really useful to me.

Not to mention, it's the premium feeder

into the school of your choice.

[Baby coos]

And I don't have a lot of friends

that I connect with outside of the house.

Look, I'm happy that you're working.

I'm happy that you have a group to connect to

outside of me and Rhoda.

But you must start therapy.

I can't do all this alone.

♪

Uh, come on, Mom. Come on!

Hi, Mommy!

Oh hi! Look at you two.

Oh, this is so sweet.

Yes, he finally woke up.

Wait, what do you mean? It's 4:00 o'clock.

This little boy was tired.

So you let him sleep for five hours?

Look, I know it's not exactly

what you typed up on your itinerary,

but you can't control everything.

He was tired. I was tired.

[Olly barking]

What is that? Is that Olly?

I had to put him in the garage.

He was being very aggressive towards me.

So you locked him away in the garage?

You see, there you go again.

Why do you have to be so bossy?

♪

Anne: So.

Frankie: That's a...

That's a nice painting.

It's supposed to be a... A leopard. Yeah?

As much as I'd like to sit here

and discuss my daughter's shitty art,

you called me. So, what's going on?

Oh, you know how it is.

You know, Giselle wants me to talk to you

so I don't do anything crazy.

Crazy?

Yeah, like hurt myself, or the kid or you know.

That would be bad.

Do you think about hurting yourself?

Not like in an intentional way, I just...

I don't know, I just like to...

Just like to check out sometimes.

You know, it feels good.

Yeah, sure, I get that.

You know, like when you're sitting on an airplane, right,

and you just imagine it flying into a mountain top just like...

[Descending sound]

[Crash sound]

Right?

So, let's explore that a little.

Ah, I don't know.

You're like kind of a friend and I don't know,

it just seems a little personal.

Okay. How about this?

Close your eyes, just for a second.

Seriously. Trust me just for this session.

If it feels good, let go, and talk...

And if you hate it, we'll never do it again.

Okay.

What's it feel like on that plane?

I'm lookin' out the window.

White noise blasting all around,

numbing me.

What's this?

And ice-covered mountain range at 11 o'clock.

Captain panics.

Boom, drops those oxygen masks.

So let's pause here for a second.

I want you to get into your body,

and speak with your heart, not your head.

[Frankie sighs]

What are you feeling?

[Frankie sighs]

Um...

Something's warm in my hand.

And kind of clammy.

[Crying]

It's my daughter's hand.

Oh...

She's looking at me...

with so much love.

Keep going.

- [Stomping sounds] - Oh God, she needs me.

She needs me to be really strong.

Mom, can I go to Tyler's house?

- What the...? - Alice, I am in a session.

But, I thought she was your friend.

What are you wearing?

I don't even recognize you right now.

What? It's a fresh outfit.

- Who's Tyler? - He's a guy in my class.

We're just going to play Xbox together.

And that requires dressing like Ariana Grande?

- What is your problem? - What is your problem?!

You think you can dress and act like this in front of boys?

You're going to end up pregnant or dead.

Okay, Anne, I don't know, that seems a little harsh.

She's just... a sweet, little girl.

Frankie, this sweet little girl is really

a tiny, emotional terrorist

just waiting to get a rise out of me.

- Gotcha. - Well, you're a bad mom.

And I'm going to kill myself

if I don't get to go to Tyler's house right now.

- Holy sh... - Frank.

Listen up, Alice. I am an adult.

I pay taxes, and do laundry,

and watch you do ballet.

You are just a child who doesn't understand

how dumb she's being right now,

so take that headband off your chest,

and go and do your homework.

- But, Mom! - You keep this up,

I may never let you go back to school again.

But how would I learn?

I don't know! Sounds pretty risky, doesn't it?

Now go to your room, before I ruin your entire future.

[Frustrated grunt, stomps away]

- [Big exhale] - Wowzers.

Some pretty hardcore parenting.

- How old's Rhoda? - Uh, nine months.

[Glass breaking sound]

Yeah, call me in eight years.

Look, I'm gonna have to put a pin in this.

What you're going through, totally normal.

I'm going to go ahead and write you a prescription.

You cool with that?

Yeah, let's do this.

♪

Well, I think you're right.

He took down the Formula.

I think he actually preferred it to my breast milk.

Not a chance.

Sometimes you only have time for fast food,

but it gets the job done.

And look, he's not crying.

Yeah, he seems happy.

Hey, do you think...

I'm abrasive?

Where'd you get that from?

Just some feedback I've been getting from work.

Who the hell called you abrasive?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I know I can be, you know, bullheaded.

Okay.

No, it's all right if you agree.

I can be a drop bossy.

Look, you're always on top of your shit.

And you're amazing at taking care of all of us, but...

Here we go.

There's a side to you that most people don't get to see.

My backside?

Your soft side.

When you're vulnerable, I've seen you achieve great things.

And I'm not talking about weakness,

I'm talking about letting your wall down a little bit.

It's incredibly effective.

And sexy.

Okay, okay so how do you get that going?

You know, like how do you jumpstart vulnerability?

Do you just like think of something cute?

- Like an unlikely animal friendship? - Hmm.

Like a gator and a chick, right, I mean,

that gator wants to eat that chick.

We know that.

But he doesn't.

He practices self-restraint, right,

because they're friends.

See? There it is.

[Chuckling]

- That's working for me. - It is?

[Children laugh playfully]

♪ A princess always gives good cheer ♪

♪ to all the people she, or he, ♪

♪ is near ♪

♪ curtsy, twirl, ♪

♪ and take your leap, ♪

♪ and always sneeze into your sleeve ♪

Kate: Evil queen. Nice.

Where's Alice?

Anne: Over there.

[Kate sighs]

What is she supposed to be with the jacket?

- On probation. - Ah.

She got her hands on one of those sexy Halloween costumes.

Took us ten outfit changes, but here we are.

Hmm, man, she is going to kill you.

If I don't kill her first.

Ooh, tiara.

Yeah, I'm trying something out.

- I like it. - Thanks.

Hey!

What the hell is this?

What? I felt like wearing a suit.

You look like you're running for mayor.

In a porn.

Will you shut up?

I've got a lot more to me than you guys think.

Well, that's... you know what, good for you.

That's great.

I'm trying to instill some of that discipline

in my daughter right now. Right, Alice?

And just like that somebody is not getting birthday cake.

Come on!

Ugh! So help me, I'm going to build

the next Maria Shriver out of her.

I believe in you.

The royal cake is served.

Just 'cause we're dressed up as princesses,

doesn't mean the darkness isn't closing in.

[Shrill scream]

Whoa, okay, okay.

Mommy! Your friend's gonna fall!

- Kate: Jesus! - Anne: Oh shit!

- Jenny: Oh my goodness. - Anne: Oh my god!

Oh hey, Kate! Woo!

Hey Frankie, I want you to hold on real tight

to that thing, okay?

You know what, this bra's driving me fuckin' crazy.

Hey, Frankie...

You know, you don't need to worry about me anymore.

Okay? I'm good.

Anne prescribed me some candies.

Hey, Annie!

Okay, Frankie, I don't want you to move, okay?

Okay! Sound like my mother.

You're not the boss of me, okay? I'm in charge!

[Frankie screams]

Giselle: What the hell? Frankie?

- What happened? - Jenny: Listen to me,

you have to keep it together okay?

Kate: Okay Frankie, listen to me okay?

I know you're scared, all right. I'm scared.

I don't know what I'm doing half the damn time.

What? You've always got your shit together, man.

You're like a cop.

I know it looks like that.

It doesn't feel like that.

I don't know, it feels like I'm faking it.

I get that.

Giselle: Frankie, what are you doing, baby?

I just, please don't cry, okay?

[Frankie falling and women screaming]

Kate: Hey, hey, Frankie!

[Landing thud] Ooh.

- Oh god. - Oh.

♪

So... things got pretty real, pretty quick!

Sorry about the whole tree thing.

Pretty sensitive to meds.

Yeah, you could have mentioned that.

I put it all together. I hope that's okay.

I got this.

I'm not payin'.

Not a goddamn dime.

No, wait. Seriously?

Fem card. Nailed it.

No!

Not the fem card.

Hi, yes, I got it.

Sorry about that.

Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com