All language subtitles for War.Inc.2008.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

Can I have a shot glass, please?

Photo sent.

Stay on this heading for about 6h30min.

Turn left at the
Aurora Borealis.

When you see something that looks like
a frozen gall bladder, that's Greenland.

Hang a soft right there.

- All set there, Mr. Hauser?
- Yeah, thank you.

Guidestar!

Guidestar!

Welcome back.

Hotel? Dinner reservations?
Movie tickets, maybe?

Mr. Hauser
Is there something else you need?

I don't know.
I feel...

Go on.

Like a refuge from the
Island of Dr. Moreau.

Some morally inverted, twisted
character from a Celine novel.

The hot sauce helps.

You still getting those nightmares
you told me about?

They're coming back faster and faster. I
don't know if I can keep outrunning 'em.

That'll be it, Jerry.
I gotta go.

You bet, Mr. Hauser. GuideStar
wants you to feel secure.

GuideStar.

Be still my trembling hands,
for how you would tremble...

if you knew where I
would take you next.

Incoming message.

Incoming message.

You got him on the comm there?
Bring it over.

Hello, Hauser!

Hello, Mr. Vice President.

I haven't been vice president
for five months.

Otherwise, this all might
be a conflict of interest.

Tamerlane and the U.S. government,
and I in particular, were cleared...

of any and all violations of federal,
state and international laws...

by the bipartisan committee.

Just read the report.

I'm sure anything you weren't supposed
to be doing you were cleared of.

And of course I was preemptively
pardoned by the president.

I got the snapshots.
Love your work.

- We're all big fans.
- Yes.

Let's see if the
damn Krauts...

will cross us in the
Security Council now.

We seem to be heading southeast.
Where am I going?

Hope you like the smell
of fresh liberation.

Give me a sec.

I gotta growler down there
the size of a cane frog.

Turaqistan.

What's the gig?

Omar Sharif.

- Omar Sharif?
- Yeah.

The CEO of Ugi Gas, the
Ugikistani conglomerate.

He is building a pipeline
through his country.

We didn't liberate Turaqistan
to get hustled by a fez head.

Terminate.

Do do that voodoo
that you do so well.

You'll be working directly under the
viceroy just appointed by the president.

His identity is still being withheld
on a need to know basis.

- And no one needs to know.
- He asked for you personally.

- What's my cover?
- Trade show producer.

Trade show? What show?
What show?

It's gonna be huge.

Tamerlane is sponsoring
a trade expo, Brand USA.

It's our big launch bringing democracy
to this part of the world.

We've bombed the shit out of them,
there's a lot of rebuilding to do.

- Shows a nice spirit.
- Somebody has to help them.

This is a great opportunity
for Tamerlane and the U.S.

Not to mention the
people of Turaqistan.

And to top it all off, there's gonna
be a gala wedding. Isn't that great?

Seems like a pretty elaborate cover. I'm
gonna be responsible for all that shit?

This is a historic moment.

The first war ever to be 100%
outsourced to private enterprise.

Tamerlane jets, Tamerlane
tanks, Tamerlane soldiers.

And to top it all off,
the Brand USA expo.

It's your show, baby.

Welcome to the Turaqi
Green Zone, sir.

Tamerlane welcomes Expo
Turaqistan, Brand USA.

Welcome to Turaqistan, sir.
I'm Marsha Dillon...

hoping you're
ready to kill.

I've been briefed.

SPF-Eighty-seven, sir.

- Shall we?
- Yes.

It all looks good.

Great lights.

Take out the Tamercard.

What's your cover, by the way?

Undergrad Wharton with a masters in
communication at the Annenberg School.

- Very impressive.
- Well, it's fake.

- Tell me that's not the stage?
- I think it is.

East, honey, east.

Do you want people turning away from
the stage to pray five times a day?

Cultural sensitivity.
That's what we're about here.

Sorry, sir.

What exactly is wrong
with my credentials?

I've been cleared. My
colleagues are going in.

- Am I being singled out for some reason?
- I can't allow that.

Very curious.

- Find out who she is.
- Very curious situation.

- Let's go, ma'am.
- Oh. Okay.

And set up a meeting
with her in my office.

Do I have an office?

Great. Carry on.

Yes, and I'll just try to
rearrange the entire place.

- Just see if you can spin it.
- Yes.

Ms. Hegalhuzen.

Your 2:30's here.

I read your piece in
"Atlantic Monthly".

Very provocative.

- Nice office.
- It's bulletproof.

Send her in.

Passion. This
is beautiful.

Thank you!

Hey, okay, okay,
we'll be in touch.

- It's a gift. I brought a gift to you.
- Thank you.

- It's a form of dance.
- Thank you. Good stuff.

Pay-for-view TV.
Next week!

And you are an angel.

Thanks for the bag!

Ms. "Hugelhazen".

Hegalhuzen.

- Hegalhuzen. Brand Hauser.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Come on in.

Now...

Holy shit!

So, you're here to cover
our little trade show...

"... that's being billed as
a liberating Turaqistan...

satisfy the American consumer's
dreams just the opposite now.

The proposed Expo Turaqistan offers
nothing more than the auctioning of...

Turaqistan's future to the cause of
profit and international branding.

Yeah, I remember that because I wrote it.

There's no corruption here. Just
read the Silverman James Report.

I have. It's bullshit.

Look. We've already kicked out of this
place. What are we supposed to do?

Turn our backs on all of the
entrepreneurial possibilities?

Business is human response
to a moral or cosmic crisis.

Whether it's a tsunami or a
sustained aerial bombardment...

there's the same urgent
call for urban renewal.

When did they start attacking
inside the Emerald City?

I wouldn't call that an attack.

Well, technically, that was a bombing.
At least it sounded like it was.

Not an attack, which would
imply something else.

Do you really think
I'm as bad as all this?

- I don't know anything about you.
- Would you like to?

It's my job.

You make it sound so
tedious. Could be fun.

- Then why don't I begin?
- Thought you'd never ask.

Would you excuse me for one minute?

- Call me soon.
- When?

You'll feel it.

- All righty then. Where were we?
- I haven't said anything yet.

Excellent, 'cause I don't
remember hearing anything.

- Then we're off to a great start.
- What can I do for you?

Why do I have access?
Even on such a low level.

Ouch.

All my writings have called this
a violation of international law...

and its practitioners are criminals.

Do you really believe
all the stuff you write?

Anyone who could cause this much
mayhem when he didn't have to?

The amount of suffering
that I've seen?

Hang on.

Okay. Hold on a sec.

But the way I look at it is this.

The day we can actually feel and
hear all the suffering of mankind...

that's the day when the
Christ will come back.

So we got that going for us.
I'll be out in a minute.

Or the Buddha, or Allah,
whoever floats your boat.

Ms. Hagenhazel.

- Call me Natalie.
- Natalie.

I really must run. I feel like we're
on the verge of something important.

Do you think we could continue
this conversation over drinks?

- Drinks?
- Yeah, I know a friendly place.

Marsha, will you set that up?
9, 10-ish?

Unattended cars will be
crushed and incinerated.

Hello, sir. Welcome to Popeye's.
How can I help you?

I'll have crawfish etouffee, the Big
Flava chicken sandwich with Boss Sauce...

and to top off my meal,
a frothy orange drink.

- I'm here to see the viceroy.
- Sir.

Don't mention his name.
Follow me!

Okay!

Let's go, boys.
One, two, one, two march!

- He's not here?
- Closed circuit, sir.

Welcome to liberated
Turaqistan, Hauser.

Big fan. Have been for ages.

Sorry for the secret
identity bullshit...

but it's a brave new security.

I'll be contacting you by phone,
but if you wish to contact me...

you'll have to come here
to the bunker, 'kay?

Omar Sharif. He's staying at the Freedom
Grand through the closing ceremony.

Make sure he doesn't
make his plane.

Got it.

Now, about this
closing ceremony...

It looks like we Yonica Babyyeah
wedding. Incredible, huh?

What is a Yonica Babyyeah?

The Britney Spears
of Central Asia.

Kids from Baca to Yemen
are nuts for her.

Anyway. The point is...

this weddin' is the grand
finale of the trade show.

This is the biggest extravaganza
in the history of Central Asia.

And it's the centerpiece
of our P.R. blitz here.

It's perfect branding synergy, Hauser.

Blends the image of an American-style
woman getting her own and getting it on.

A great new
democratic dynasty...

with all the strength and
virility of traditional warlords.

Exactly.
That's why you're the best.

Overall, we see it as a
pretty irresistible package.

We're getting worldwide coverage, U.S.
networks, Sky Channel, Al Jazeera...

so make it big buddy.

See she gets everything she wants
and make this a grand finale...

the world will never forget.

You bet.

Jeff? So, listen. I met this guy...
No, he's just some mid-level schmo.

Anyway, I think if I play him right, I
can get a pass out of the Green Zone...

and I can see what's
really going on here.

No chip for me, thanks.

Ma'am, you really won't get the
full experience without the chip.

Doctor's orders.
I get hives.

Welcome to Implanted
Journalist Experience.

Thanks to cutting-edge Tamerlane
Interactive Technology...

we are now able to reduce the risk of
journalist mortality to virtually zero.

The Combat-o-Rama
Implantation Device...

will allow you to experience
full spectrum sensory reality.

Over the next seventy-two hours,
some of you may experience...

headaches, nausea and some
muscle pain. This is normal.

If symptoms of epilepsy occur,
please notify your doctor.

Thanks and enjoy the ride.

Mr. Hauser!

Mr. Hauser!

Yonica Baby is two minutes
from arrival. We need to go.

Yonica!
I love you!

Jesus Christ.

Hi. Welcome. How
was traffic?

I hear those checkpoints
can be murder.

Where is dressing room?
I'm fucking wasted.

Well, let me show you.

She needs Popeye ten-piece box.
All white meat.

Extra crispy, extra spicy.
Diet Coke. You get it?

And pickles.

She wants pickles.
Clausen classic dill pickles.

- Pickles?
- Yeah.

- All right...
- You are big boss?

- I guess I am, yeah.
- How big?

Don't do that.

Confiscate that film.

I do what I want.
Okay?

Of course you do and we're
excited to have you.

Don't get too excited.

I'm not that excited. Let me
show you to your dressing room.

Get some chicken, pickles.
and whatever you want.

Come on in. Hi.
Nice work with the bat.

How are you? Hi, good luck.

Hi. Mr. Pickle. Las Vegas.
Mr. Federline.

The impending marriage of
Central Asian pop star...

and Ooq- Mi-Fay Taqnufmini the
scion of the powerful Turaqi clan.

The marriage.
A symbol of democratization...

or a sleazy public
relations stunt?

Yes or no?

Natalie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Jesus.
What is this place?

It's the Freedom Grand.
How do you like it?

Guess I could go with
strange love in the desert.

Weird. Rarefied.
Coven-like.

- Stop me if I'm rambling.
- Stop. Sit.

Can I get a double bourbon?
Vodka twist? How's that?

- Okay.
- Thank you.

So, you're producing the big...

Freedom's on the March economic
land-grab masquerade.

Are you with Tamerlane employee
or a freelance producer?

That's complicated.
Let's get to that later.

I just wanted to get to know you.

Okay, tell me about yourself.

Just doing this gig, trying to
make the best of a bad situation.

Looking for redemption in all the wrong
places. Stop me now if I'm rambling.

- Okay, stop.
- How about you?

How about me what?

You know, tell me about you.
Where're you from?

Who gives a fuck? Are you serious?

I'm serious as a deacon. I'd like
to get to know you as a person.

For God's sakes... why?

Well, what the hell else are we gonna
do on this dark and lonely night?

So you wanna seduce the journalist
whose politics you despise?

How dare you?
I have no politics.

Everyone does, even if
they don't know it.

- Not me.
- Just a straight mercenary?

I'm a host. I'm a showman.
I'm an organizer.

There's just people here. Some good,
some bad. All interesting.

You seem like an interesting person and
I try not to over-think these things.

You're a clever guy.
Some would even call you charming.

But it gets tired, doesn't it? All that
patter, the show biz, it's just a mask.

There's gotta be a person
in there somewhere.

Did you know that "person" comes from
the Latin word persona which means mask?

Being human means we
invite spectators...

to ponder what lies behind.

Each of us would be composed
of a variety of masks.

And if we can see behind the mask,
we would get a burst of clarity.

If that flame was bright
enough, then we fall in love.

What's your opinion on
these divine matters?

I'm not gonna fuck you.
You know that, right?

Oh, I hope that you
know that somewhere.

I sense you're such an angry woman.

You're just intent to laying
waste to all of us, aren't you?

That was the best half-true
frontier gibberish I've heard.

Thanks.

- Hey. Listen.
- Yes?

All access pass to the trade show,
compliments of the house.

- Don't be a stranger.
- I won't be.

Now, let's get these passe's right.

Ayat, a little knee jerk.

Make it work. Make it work.

Very good.

All in the legs, girls.

How many times do we have
to say this? Ayat!

Higher!

Big smile, Reshbeck!
For God's sake.

Thank you.

You're back for some more gibberish.

You remember Marsha?
This is Peter Parker.

Choreographer, worked with Rob
Marshall, all the big musicals.

It's incredible. Each girl
is a trans-femoral amputee...

who had lost her leg
during the liberation.

And thanks to Tamerlane, we can
have you up and dancing in no time.

Just another example of
how American know-how...

alleviates the suffering it creates.

Look at this. Hamy Shenkman had her leg
blown off by an M-18 Claymore landmine.

And, Conyel Bisland...
an M-72 rocket-propelled grenade...

that mistakenly hit her high school.

And Tamerlane used the exact same RPG
firing pin rod assembly technology...

that it uses in the prosthetic
knees of its.

Talk about vertical integration.

It's hot in here.
Let me get that for ya.

Krishmish, come over here.

This is Ms. Hegalhuzen, she's
writing a story about the show.

All right. Okay.

Ms. Babyyeah's ready
for her run-through.

We've gotta go. My trade
show's your trade show.

Come on, girls. Gather here.

You say you want to
invade me, baby

You say you want to
enslave me, baby

I want to blow you up

You say you want
to free me, baby

BGut you cannot
even see me, baby

I want to blow you up

I want to blow you sky
high, high, go fly

I want to blow

You

You want to occupy
my heart and soul

A black widow in
a spider hole

I want to blow you up

I want to blow you up

I want to blow you
down if it's okay

Mr. Hauser, how do you feel about
the image of Turaqi women...

My coat!

Cut!

So there's this reporter
who really despises me.

I mean, she doesn't really despise me,
she despises what I represent.

I think if she knew the real me,
she'd hate me even more.

I mean, don't you think?

I wasn't there.
Does it really matter?

Actually, I think I just like
the sound of her voice.

I could listen to her
revile me for hours.

Do you think with her, the reporter
I mean, it's just about sex?

- What do you mean just?
- I don't know.

There's this Turaqi pop star. She
disturbs me and I can't figure out why.

Could you be attracted to her sexually?

No, are you crazy?
She's just a little...

I'm not calling you in the
middle of the night, Mr. Hauser.

- I gotta go.
- Whatever.

You're a fuckin' asshole.

GuideStar!

This has to end for me, sir. I
want a different kind of life.

I want to get married, start a family.

Operation Chickenhawk
never ends.

The ceaseless epic struggle
to dominate...

the destiny of man obliges his noble
cares to continually purge the world...

of those who are evil-doers.

But that's not just working
for me right now, sir.

A woman?

You and I, Hauser, are
a part of a rug hook.

All these years I felt a special
bond. Don't you feel that?

No.

Well, you think about it.

If you still feel this
way in a couple of days...

I already told you, sir.

- That'll be all.
- Yes, sir.

Marsha, this is kind of a bad time.

Hey! I wanted to give you the heads up.
A delivery should be there any second.

When, now?

Oh, shit.

Sir, I have your
dry cleaning, sir!

Thank you. Thank you.

I need the ticket, sir.

- I have that somewhere.
- Yeah, I need that claim ticket, sir.

I think I put it... should
be around here somewhere.

- You're talking about the claim ticket?
- It's around here somewhere.

- Sir, can you hurry?
- Yep.

Sir, I gotta have that ticket or...

No, no...

Oh, here it is.

- Sir, you have a nice day.
- Sure.

Yo, yo, yo, mother fuckers!

It's me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Straight from the dry
in Rammstein, Germany

You can't believe these guys. 20
years ahead of the rest of the world.

And this cost the U.S. taxpayers, what?
Three, four grand?

Be nice.
I'm really sorry about the jacket.

Okay.

Listen, would you like to get
a Turaqi coffee?

I hear they make it great here.
Cardamom mace. The good kind.

I was just about to wash my hair.

It's a delicacy. Sweetened
with pomegranate honey.

One cup?

Give me a minute.

What?

There's just something irresistible
about a Western woman speaking Turaqi.

Is that a recognized
international phenomena?

No. It's a personal sensibility.

Look. I admit I don't actually
believe any of this stuff we say.

I mean, not in the sense that I
believe it to be actually true.

You talk too much. I want
to ask you something.

Doesn't it hurt you to put yourself
in such a contorted moral position?

Can you tell me, for example,
one completely honest thing?

One.

This is Donny Loo's
favorite juice.

It is rated at just under a quarter
million Scoville units.

When I find the demands of
life to be challenging...

I take a wee drop.

The more challenging...

the higher the Scoville units.

- Let me.
- Be careful.

But the trick, you see...

that I've taught myself, is to
never allow my eyes to tear up.

One completely honest thing.

If you really knew me, you'd despise
me even more than you do.

No. I don't despise you.

I don't really care enough.

Marsha.

It's fucking great.
Michael Bay can blow me.

He can and he should.

- We do all of Yonica's videos.
- We're blowing up.

A bad choice
of words.

Listen, guys, this has been great.
Thank you.

I have another meeting. I have to run.
But I, I really enjoyed it.

Let us have some footage of the
wedding. We'll hook you up, dude.

Hey, we know everything that
goes on in Turaqistan.

No place we cannot go, no one we
don't know, nothing we cannot do.

Okay.

Does one of you have a card?
Whoever the leader is.

Here we go. The Jackpot.

Here, thank you. Thank you.

There you go. You have his,
and he has yours.

- Yes.
- He's got yours.

- It's gonna be great.
- Bye-bye, guys.

Where's my package?

The shipment left the warehouse
in Dubai 2 days ago.

We're tracking it.

Just get me a fuckin' cobra,
all right?

- A snake?
- Yeah. Chop-chop.

Come on, spit it out.

Is only me, Mr. Big

Yonica. Hi.

Listen. Sorry about my reaction to
your song. I didn't mean to offend you.

No. I am sorry. I am so stupid to
not understand that you are woman.

Uh, sorry?

In Turaqi we have no word for
this. Same as for a woman.

No, no, no.
That's not it.

I predict most people.
Why not you?

How my ass make
you puke?

Bad babakanoosh or something.

I think you're lovely.
Stunning, actually.

- Lovely?
- Yes.

You think attractive?

Yep. Definitely.

- Does her ass make you puke?
- Who? Who? Who?

That skinny bitch reporter
with the tape recorder.

No.

You're a tit man.
Do you want massage?

Be a happy ending.

Does your father know that you
talk this way?

- My father?
- Yeah.

I do not speak to him anymore.

But he sends me money for dancing
lessons and singing lessons.

I am with Ooq-Mi-Fay now.

And he wants for me
to be big success.

Yonica rules.
That is what he says to me.

- What about your mother?
- Dead.

I'm sorry.

For why? You did not kill her.

I don't think so.

Too much sorry. Too much.

Jesus Christ!
What is wrong with you?

You are a fucking asshole,
do you know that?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry".
You're always sorry.

Fuck you, Mr. Sorry.
Fuck you.

Yonica, don't go away mad.

Marsha?

Get me a dinner reservation
tonight. Somewhere with soup.

So everything's OK? You're closing
some big deals at the trade show?

Is there an actual
reason for this meeting?

I am not big on bullshit.

I'm your host. I want you to be
happy nd that everything is...

well and you're
taken care of.

A beautiful woman.

There is something we can
agree on after all, then.

Can you get me an introduction?

- She's a journalist.
- Who cares?

Sit.
Don't eat all your soup.

Thank you.

So between your father's indictments,
were you still on the lacrosse team?

No. I actually blew out my fuckin' knee.
Hey, you.

Hey, we are doing
an interview here.

Omar Sharif wants to meet you.

- The actor?
- Better. The president of Ugi Gas.

Sorry. Just one minute.

I'm gonna pick this up in one.

who do I have to shoot to get
a fuckin' drink around here?

What are you looking at?

What are you looking at?

Get back to normal!

Natalie Hegalhuzen,
Omar Sharif.

Exquisitely enraptured, ma chere.

- Pleased to meet you, too.
- Shall we dance?

How're you doin'?

How come we Americans
a hard time?

An interesting conundrum, isn't it?

Very shrewd of you to ask.

What would I get
for telling you?

The thrill of knowing you're
my confidential source.

The thought of this
leaves me breathless.

My dear, let me explain
something to you.

The Americans
had no plan.

Perhaps next year they
will invade my country.

And then, they will either
kill me or throw me in jail.

Or kill me in jail.

Or maybe make me president.

Or maybe make me president,
then kill me.

That still doesn't
answer you question.

Why hasn't the U.S. stopped
the Ugi Gas pipeline?

See what you can find out about
Operation Chickenhawk.

Chickenhawk?

Yeah, baby!

Get it out.

A message from the viceroy.

Freedom is messy.

Employees must wash hands
before returning to work.

What stinks here?

Yeah. You look like piece of shit.
You smell like piece of shit.

You want some shit?

Where're you going?
Night's young.

This place is crazy.

Would you like to come back to
my suite for a quiet drink?

Oh, no thank you, Omar. But I will
look into that thing about you told.

Enjoyed it.

- I think I'll go back to my hotel.
- Can I drive you?

Oh, no, that's okay.

Let me give you a lift.
I can help you. It's safer that way.

Please.
I'll feel better.

When did all that construction start?

Oh. They're diverting the river Tures
so it runs by the trade show.

They wanted a clear view from
the Tiki Room. It's cute, huh?

What do you think
of that girl, Yonica?

You don't wanna know.

- Come on. Try me.
- Okay.

I think that she's a sad little
girl who's been pimped out...

into a pathetic monstrosity of
alienated Western sexuality.

How do you feel about that, Mr. Hauser?

She's a disaster.
This whole place is a disaster.

So, you're sleeping with her.

No.

Why not?
She seems game.

It must be nice to be who you say you
are. To do things you believe in.

That's so simple. So clean.

It's like, you know: "why didn't
I think of that"?

Well, it's hard not to feel like...

I'm always on
the losing side.

Well, you are.

Yeah. It gets kinda lonely.

That's why you got all those peasants
and workers to keep you company.

I don't have that big a bed.

Tell me more.

I think that you should
take me home now.

Yes, well...

thanks for
taking me home.

Oh. Good night then.

Jesus, what was that?

I can't do that...

No. You yourself said,
I just don't want to.

- Yeah. Sure.
- And good night.

Tomorrow can I see ya?

- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.

Reporter's Pool, ten a. m.

Progress update, people.

Banks West didn't even wait
for the opening ceremony...

closing a one point 3
billion dollar deal...

with Roof Branch and Blossom to
restore essential water services...

to the people of Turaqistan!

Oh, come on!

I'm sure they'd like to give a shout-out
to the Tamerlane- Furg-Bomber...

Wing for, for those
humane position strikes...

that created this wonderful
opportunity for everyone.

So is this like a date?

This is like obscene.

There's something you can do
for me that would mean a lot.

Name it.

Get me a pass out of the Emerald City
so I can see what's really going on.

- Very dangerous.
- I wanna see Fallof.

Natalie, there's nothing there.

I wanna know if it's true that
Tamerlane used chemical weapons.

Isn't it a little late to be worrying
about international conventions?

Is nerve gas worse than getting your
head blown off by a laser missile?

Frankly, it's a nuance
that's lost on me.

Besides they were cleared,
just read the report.

We're trying to watch
a battle here.

Sorry.

Come on, come on, come on.
Give me something. Give me something.

Anything's gotta be better
than this Xbox bullshit!

Okay, okay.

These guys are big in the
Turaqi arts community.

You know, the whole downtown scene?

Might give you a good lead.

I'm hit!
I'm hit!

Where's the damn Medevac?

The Tamerlane custom
E-Z missile mount can...

be adapted to fit over 200
automobile models...

I thought we were all
set with the Ayatollah.

Pick it up, boys.

What do you mean he won't
do a mixed wedding? Who's mixed?

Yonica's Episcopalian?
How the fuck did that happen?

Will the Sufi work?

Let me call you back.
I got another call.

Just get a number for Cat Stevens.

Hello. Can you calm down?
Yeah, he's right here.

Yoni...
That was the girl.

She said she can't do the
wedding if you're involved.

She thinks you don't like her.

- What?
- She can't work with you.

I'm on it, I'm on it.
Okay.

And then Anderson Cooper,
Mr. Salt and Pepper Integrity...

is arriving today and, and all
we have left is a junior suite.

Is that okay? I mean, he is
a Vanderbilt and everything.

There could be repercussions!

GuideStar!

You seem a little bit, Mr. Hauser.
Is everything all right?

My hand was shaking.
My hand never shakes.

Worst case, Parkinson's. I can get
you a doctor's appointment in Dubai.

I can't focus.

This girl. This reporter.
They're in my head.

They're in my fucking brain.

That's not good, Mr. Hauser.
Not good.

No, I know it isn't. And now I
gotta see her, the little one.

I gotta bring her food. 'Cause
she won't go to the thing.

Fuck!

Trusting you was a little rude

I wish there was a way

You could sooth that ache in me

Phone cut out
When we were talking today

Phone cut out
When we were talking today

That was beautiful.

- You recorded that yet?
- Fat fucking chance.

Well you should.

I feel like it's like I'm
seeing you for the first time.

Well, you've seen my ass.
And you not liking it.

- Why do you do that?
- Do what?

Talk as if you have no soul.

Nobody cares for my beautiful soul.
They care for my ass.

- You sound like a tramp.
- Bitches rule.

Yonica rules.

Virgins are good for
getting fucked. Right?

That is what I am good for. Right?

That's what everybody knows.

You know what I think?

I think the girl that wrote
that song was a poet.

I thought that song was really great.

I am not from this world.

I have special powers.

I can see inside
people's brains.

What do you see?

You think you care about me.

Neither one of us know why.

You're not an
alien life form.

You're just very confused.

And you live in a terrible world.

I cannot be from this place.
I do not belong here.

We have to find a way.

We just have to find a way.

Who are you?

We got stuff here.

We got a side of
Clausen Classic Dill,

and Turaqi brand soda.

Extra crispy, all white meat.
You want a piece?

It's actually a horrible way
to soothe bad feelings...

but can lead to compulsive eating...

But, you know, sometimes you
just gotta do it, right?

What the fuck?

You know what?

I'm gonna blow you up.
you mother fuckin' nice...

suit necktie piece of shit!

Take a rain check on that.

Out of the Emerald City?

In fact, baby, the money is right,
I can take you to Chechnya.

I could scrape together
a thousand dollars.

Honey, for a thousand dollar
we take you to Starbucks.

So, we open on her,
she's like Snow White.

Then he arrives. A two-shot, like in,
Ford's My Darling Clementine.

When Victor Mature
returns to her.

Fuck film, assholes.

I want her on all fours.

Waiting for her phallic
warlord, Ooq-Mi-Fay.

I know it's none of my business,
what are you guys talking about?

We're shooting the
wedding night's video.

Yeah, check it out.
We already made the card.

My God.

- How much you guys want for this?
-500 bucks.

I'll give you 50
right now, cash.

Done.

Washington's all a-twitter by
allegations from a journalist...

that the son of a top
Turaqi political leader...

and his pop star
bride are involved...

in a pornographic video of
their own wedding night.

Expo Turaqistan. Out of the
frying pan into the fire?

How in the fuck did this Hegalhuzen
bitch get a hold of this story?

Well, it hardly matters now.

The network might cancel their
coverage and we own them.

We got riots going on in 14
cities across Central Asia.

Maybe the best thing to do would
be to call the wedding off.

Have you lost your mind?
Just handle it.

I always do.

Do you think I have no feelings?

This is what I am to you?

- A whore? And you are my pimp?
- No, baby, no, baby.

You were going to sell a
tape of our wedding night?

I was gonna give you half of the money.

I did it for the money.

There will be ample time
for loving recriminations.

But let's deal with this from
a practical perspective.

What if we publically
remove one of his testicles?

- Dad, please!
- Shut up.

That's not an entirely
unappealing suggestion...

but I'm not sure if that really
gets us where we wanna go.

Honestly, your Excellency, if we're gonna
pull this off so a man of your stature...

you know, a four-time convicted
extortionist and an embezzler like...

yourself is to lead Turaqistan to
its bright and shining future...

Yonica's bridegroom must
be blamelessly pristine.

In other words, we
need a fall guy.

How about your homeboy outside
with the perforated septum?

P- per... what?

Go, Marsha. Go, Marsha. You're so fine.
I'm gonna make her change her mind!

I have a can of Mace!

And I will use it!
Sit down!

I think Bodhi organized this whole thing
and you didn't know anything about it.

Yeah, of course, man.
I didn't know shit.

But, you know, we wanna be
culturally sensitive here.

What is the traditional punishment
for pimping a pop star?

- Wow, that's fucking cold, Pop.
- Shut up.

Drowning in sheep dung.

Marsha will make the arrangements.

All right. We've dealt with
the groom. Now for the bride.

20 minutes on TV and the world will
know that this sweet, young girl...

would never participate in such
a foul, foul enterprise. Right?

And, Yonica, you didn't
know anything about this.

So it has the added benefit of being
true, as my father used to say.

All right. We'll announce
the execution tonight.

We'll do the interview tomorrow...

and we go ahead with the wedding
and close the whole damn show.

I think we got this worked out, don't you?

- Great.
- All right. Good to see you.

No, no, no...

Thank you so much, sir.

Yonica... Honey!
Honey!

Yonica, Yonica!

Thank you. I like bag.

Marsha. Get me Katie Couric, Al Jazeera
and a hundred gallons of sheep shit.

Slaves, but...

Slaves, plebians, patricians,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Pax Romana...

Virginia's number one
Roman-era theme park.

The glory that was Rome.
The grandeur that was Six Flags.

Unfortunately the financing fell
through in the real estate crash...

and the whole place went down the
toilet. But it makes my point.

Which is...?

Every empire is summed up in
Rome. The Romans, Hauser.

Dudes of the human race.
Torch-bearers of culture.

You and I are Centurions.

Honor bound to defend civilization
against the Barbarians.

Let's cut the shit, Walken.

I like killing people as
much as the next guy...

but I signed up to kill the bad ones.
Health clinics, trade unionists...

journalists, agricultural co-ops,
Catholic liberation theologians...

impoverished Colombian
coffee farmers...

These are barbarians, the depraved
opponents of civilization?

We turned Central America
into a fucking graveyard.

Whoever momentarily interrupts
the accumulation of our wealth...

we pulverize.

I'm just not feeling good
about that anymore, sir.

Then do what you
have to do, son.

Thank you for understanding, sir.

- Oh! You asshole.
- Weapon, please?

Let's walk and talk.

You didn't really think
I'd let you go, did you?

- I was kinda hoping you might, yeah.
- For her?

Please, Walken. We had such
a good working relationship.

Let's not end it like this,
like savages in a theme park.

You get the thumbs down
from the crowd, Hauser.

You're obsolete, dude.

Past your expiration
date, discontinued.

Garbagio, as they say in Latin.

Relegated to the trash bin of history.

You shouldn't rummage in the garbage.
Fuck.

Is this one of those plastic
toys you can choke on?

You mother fucker!

Help! I get it. I get it.
Help! Turn it off!

Ten minutes with Katie Couric would
get you ten times the audience...

of a whole season of Frontline.
Now, that's a fact.

Yeah, but wh-why would they
want me to do the interview?

You? Your uncompromising
integrity...

your movie star good looks and
I don't think Katie Couric...

wants to come to this beautiful
fucking vacation spot.

You know I'm not gonna do
a P.R. puff piece, right?

Just do the story.
Get the real girl.

The real girl?
Is there anything real left to get?

Can she actually talk?

She's just a needy
little kid, Natalie.

I know, and she's spoiled, she's
over-sexed, she's tone deaf.

Well she's a brand, Hauser.

Stuff happens.
She needs a mom.

- Yeah. And don't look at me.
- I like looking at you.

You can say anything you want, okay?
No holds barred delay. I'll make it live.

You're crazy.
This bitch hates me.

- She doesn't hate you.
- She hates me.

- No she doesn't.
- She does. I know.

Yeah, hello.

I have lists of
Omar's whereabouts.

I'll get to it.

- Put your seatbelt on.
- Fuck off.

Shit.

So we're all set?

This sucks.
I hate this.

- What sucks, sweetheart?
- This location.

What's wrong with it?

I am not liking it.
It blows.

This is 2000 years of Turaqi culture.
It's a nice spot for it, actually.

Okay, sweetie?

I want to do it...

there.

- We're all set up right here.
- There or nowhere.

Okay?

There's nice too.

Hello.

Hello.

What is this place?

Beautiful.

You see? She's just
a needy little kid.

This light is so cool.

Look at this!

Be careful.

I want to do it here.
Come, inspect this from me.

Beautiful.

This place is so sad.
I love that.

I'm going to see the rest.

Hey, cowboy. You happen
to have a Cliff bar?

- You hungry?
- I could eat.

Let's find the kitchen.

Look at this. An 82 margaux.
They must have left in a hurry.

We can be shot
for looting.

We can be shot for
anything in Turaqistan.

Let's see. There must be
an opener here somewhere.

I just don't know if I'm domestic
enough to make a meal out of...

olives and caviar
and peanut butter.

Yonica! There's food!

Very high-tech
for Turaqistan.

Crazy little brat.

If she's a virgin...

I'm Dick Cheney.

Yonica, would you like some wine?

No. I hate wine.
It's so sour.

Milk is good.

- I want a picture of you two.
- No pictures.

Okay, one.

Get in.

So you two getting married?

Because you are already
married with wife in America?

Everybody wants
American wife.

No.

Never were married?

Was once actually.

What happened?

It's not that interesting.

What happened?

Haven't spoken of it in a long time.

She was killed.

Murdered.

I came home one night and my
beautiful wife had been slaughtered.

I had a little girl
and she was taken.

No ransom note, nothing.
Just gone.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Who would do that?

I don't know anything except
it was all because of me.

What do you mean?

I had many enemies.
I've done many things.

What was her name?
Your daughter?

Cara.

There's a reason
I do this work.

I don't have to feel anything.

That's so fucked up.

Hey. Whassup?

Get out!

Sometimes I think is better
not to feel. Just skip it.

How long can you
live that way?

The poison's just old. It's
like a slow motion suicide.

Or wake up every day and wonder if
you have the courage to walk away...

to say: no, I won't do that. I'm
not that person. I'm not that thing.

You think I should
not marry Ooq-Mi-Fay?

Hey, boss we have a problem.

Hold that thought.

What's the problem, guys?

Try some caviar.

It's so good!

I love.

My mom would always try to
get me to eat weird stuff.

Tempeh and
wheatgrass...

and all I ever wanted
was peanut butter.

He's a complicated guy, huh?

Not what'd you think.

Hey, not so tough
today, huh?

Hey, look, the little
girl has crowns.

You think you can drown
me with the sheep shit.

I don't think so.

You want we should
take video now?

Or kill him first?

Be less blood if you kill me first, more
fun if you cut it off while I'm alive.

- Shut up.
- Okay.

I think I could take those two ears
and I can put them on my Harley.

Maybe I can pick up
KROQ on my radio.

Oh, pretty face. Bye.

You ought to do some face.
Taste.

Stay!

Cut off the fingers I
used to wipe my ass.

I cannot believe you just did that!

What person could squeeze
eyeballs from Bodhi Bhundhang?

And that asshole tells me
not to marry Ooq-Mi-Fay?

I'm fucking marry Ooq-Mi-Fay.

He's pig.
And I'm whore.

- You want me to take the freeway?
- Yeah. Whatever.

It is who I am.
I am that person.

And if I'm going to be whore,
at least I can be rich.

I just want to make soulful
music and be sad and rich.

You don't have to marry
some asshole to do that.

Natalie, you will
be my bridesmaid?

Please?

My father, he's coming. I haven't
seen him since I was baby.

It will be nice to meet him.

And if you are there
I will not be so afraid.

What am I gonna wear?

- What about Katie Courich?
- Fuck her.

Fuck them all.

Miami Beach Hotel.

Jeff? I just sent you a photo
of that Tamerlane guy.

He just slaughtered half a dozen
of Ooq- Mi-Fay Taqnufmini's posse...

Find out who the fuck this guy is.

Hey. I just got this message
from the Viceroy.

"We didn't front you $1.3 million to
whack a bunch of Fifty Cent wannabes.

You know what I'm saying? You
got 18 hours to kill Omar Sharif.

And may I just
add personally.

What the fuck are you doing?

Will you kill the mother fucker so we
can get the hell out of this shithole?

What are you doing?

Hello? Is there anyone in th-?

Hey, it's Natalie.

I'm either unmasking corporate
greed or washing my hair.

So leave a message.

That's good. Thanks. Great.

Is that good?

That looks great. Everything you're
doing is great. It's really great.

My communications degree
is finally paying off.

Where is Omar?

Well, let me check. Omar?

- Camera Four, Marsha. Camera Four.
- Omar's Camera Four.

Why don't you pull in?

Do you have his
Blackberry address?

Laptop.

By the way, Anderson Cooper
cannot make the wedding.

- What room was he going to stay in?
- Eleven-oh-one.

Just you, Cowboy.

Oh, jeez. Gosh. By the
way. This came for you.

I think...

...It must have
been this morning and...

This is Natalie Hegalhuzen.

I am being held by the Provisional
Liberation Army of Greater Turaqistan.

I will be executed unless the
following demands are met by 6 pm.

The complete unconditional withdrawal of
all Tamerlane forces from Turaqistan.

The dissolution of the criminal's
INS state of Israel.

Three. The acquisition by the Turaqi
National Basketball team...

of LeBron James for a player
to be named later.

I'm unhurt and
well-treated...

And am right where I wanted to be.

You're improvising, bitch.
I hate that!

I know where she is.

No. Wait a second!
We're live in 6 hours.

I trust you.
You handle everything.

Oh, Jesus Mary and Joseph.

How are you, sir?
Nice to see you, sir.

You can go.

Jerry, how do I get to Fallaf?

Fallaf.
Are you out of your mind?

Here at GuideStar we definitely
call Fallaf a no-go zone.

That's snuff city, dude.

Hey, don't get cute. Just
give me the damn directions.

You sound a little angry, rather
emotional. It's a good thing.

Good. Let it go.

Is that the best you can do for
seventy-nine ninety-five a month?

Steven Seagal is like
500 pounds now.

They use body doubles for
everything, but this.

How many times do I have to tell you?

I am opposed to the occupation.

I have railed against it in every
significant journal in the world!

I think you are mistaking me with
someone who actually gives a fuck.

Hey, you're just a
gift for us, babe.

What do I do when
I get to Nafluni?

There's a Mobil station
on your right. See it?

Yeah. I think so.

Great. Take the next
right. Follow the road.

If you're a praying man,
I'd start about now.

Can we kill her already?
I'm getting hungry.

We're still working out the
international distribution rights.

I want to...

put the camera
lower this time.

Oh, you mean like the construction
guard decapitation, huh?

But you want it from here to
there or from there to here?

- All the way.
- All the way's gonna be messy.

Yeah, but it's art.

- Do you have any candy?
- No. Get lost.

I told you these assholes
never have shit.

Looking for the kidnapped bitch?

American?

We have three. Two yellow
hair and one dark hair.

Dark hair.

Where?

Show me.

10? No. How about 20?
Okay. It's a deal.

Shut up!
Let's do it.

Don't shoot, man!

Hey, we're sorry. Chill.

I'm sorry, just take the girl.
We don't want the girl.

We just, we do movies, man.
We love to make movies.

Yeah, yeah, movies.

Don't get up, guys.
We gotta run.

Fuck, dude. That was intense.

Okay. We're okay.

Next time bring
some candy asshole.

Mr. Hauser? I told you Fallaf
was not a good idea, didn't I?

It's a no-go zone.
And you went.

That was not a good idea.

Get down!

Go.

Could you please try
to call Natalie again?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What, my English
not so good?

Come on.
I love you.

Come on here.
Come on here.

Get down, get down!

Get up.

Hey, you in charge?

- Who the fuck's in charge?
- No one! I'm no one!

- What are you lookin' at, bitch?
- I'm no one!

A couple of quick announcements.

The panel discussion, the Redemptive
Power of the Hedge Fund Derivative...

has been moved to the mini ballroom.

Don't forget to go to the Meet
and Greet cocktail reception...

at the Tiki Room at five
and pick up your gift bags.

They've got a coffee mug
and a desert umbrella...

foam beer
Koozie and a...

autographed copy
from you know who...

of "How I Conquered the World and
Worked Out Issues With My Dad".

Take care of the kid.

'Cause I might have to go too.

You don't have to.

Yes, I do.

Natalie.

I saw your face and
creation held its breath.

I'm coming.

No, no, no...

Silly me. I was expecting
a beautiful woman.

Sorry.

Hauser...

Love does get one into
difficult situations.

Somebody's gonna kill you.

It was supposed to be me.

Triple your security.

Stay off the streets.

With a little skill you
may actually stay alive.

- How may I thank you?
- No need.

We're in a constant
state of war, Hauser.

We kill our brothers,
complete strangers...

the guilty and the innocent.

We are at war with
our own hearts.

Love is a cease-fire
that's destined to fail.

But, as I said...

it does get us into
tricky situations.

Sometimes the back
of a garbage truck.

The ultimate Chickenhawk
is roosting close-by.

Good luck.

She says she's a bridesmaid.

- You got an extra dress?
- Yes.

For all of us at Tamerlane...

I extend a heartfelt
good luck and God bless...

whoever that god may be.

To our happy young couple.
Shalom.

Shit.

We have someone to do
your hair and makeup.

I could do this.

Sit down!

Clean yourself!

We gotta go to the viceroy.
Where the hell is Hauser?

Asshole.

All right.

I am going to tell that bastard that
I want to go shopping in America.

And I never come back.
Can I stay with you?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

It's time.

Where are you?
I wanna see you.

Hauser. I'm about to
address the weddin'.

You're just gonna have
to wait 'til I'm done.

I've waited long enough.

Hauser.

Hello, Walken.
You look fabulous.

How did you know?

Where else would you be?

And going to the
Viceroy in five...

four, three, two...

Wonderful opportunities
here, Hauser.

As long as these towel-heads don't
look up freedom in the dictionary.

To use one of your own homespun colloquialisms
let's cut the shit, shall we?

That is your viceroy?

You know what your problem is, Hauser?
You're a moralist.

That's why you're so
much fun to fuck with.

War is the improvement of
investments by other means.

For dummies. The USA is a
subdivision of Tamerlane.

Democracy, the war on
terror, the war on drugs...

these are all focus group
slogans for Tamerlane.

You murdered my wife.
And I'm here to kill you for that.

You were such a superb
killing machine, Hauser.

What happened to you?

You've had a whole week to kill Omar.

Of course I could have liquidated you
after you thought you'd killed me.

Right after I tried to kiss you and
you threw me in the garbage truck.

It's gonna be hard to torture
someone who's mostly dead.

But I'm gonna try...

to enjoy it.

But, by killing the woman
and kidnapping the girl...

Oh, my God.

... that was so much more satisfying.

I left you in a state
of constant agony.

You ever wonder what the ideology
of vibrio cholerae bacterium...

or the system of Yersinia pestis the
bacteria that causes bubonic plague.

I'll tell you, Hauser.

Perpetuation.

An infinite succession of generations.

Immortality on the installment plan.

I wish I had that
sort of esprit d'corps.

That bacterial team spirit.

Talk about legacy.
Talk about empire.

You're gonna tell me
what you did with her...

then I'm gonna kill you again.

- Do you understand, old man?
- Don't you get it?

Your daughter happens...

Shut it down!

Your daughter, Hauser.

Your daughter is about to be married.
And, Daddy you're the father of the bride.

God, that's a
conversation stopper.

Well, you just sit back
and enjoy the show.

You must be a real proud daddy.

Here she comes.

Ain't you the proudest daddy?
Look at that.

She turned out good.

She looks good in that white dress
and those little white boots.

A white dress
and white boots.

Oh, look at that.

Don't you think the little
whore turned out well?

I promised her Daddy would
be here. And here you are.

Shoot him!

The father of the bride!

Hauser!
Where are you, Hauser?

Come on, fight me like a dude.
Face me Hauser.

Come on!

I can control all of
this with my eyes.

Yonica!

- Yonica.
- Shut the fuck up!

- Yonica. Yonica.
- Shut the fuck up! Shut up.

Get done, come on.

Dearly beloved, friends,
believers and infidels.

We are gathered here today...

to join together in holy
matrimony this man and this...

Yonica! Yonica!

Hauser!

You can't do this.
I won't let you.

I'm your father.

Catch him.

It's me.

I've loved you since the
minute you were born.

I will kill you!

It's gonna be okay.

We're gonna be a family again.

Come on!

Yonica, Yonica.

Let go of that!
Don't do that.

What's going on?

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Get me back to the bunker.
Headset.

Get me a tomahawk.

Blow this whole fuckin' place to shit.

Yes, sir.

Terrorists at the weddin'.
We've got 'em cornered.

So close to the bunker
could be dangerous, sir.

Haven't you heard of
a surgical strike?

- Launch it.
- Firing two-one.

Viceroy coming through.
Viceroy coming through.

You should have let
me finish the job!

Tamerlane weapons are
precision-guided...

to minimize
collateral damage.

Not only is our technology the
most advanced in the world...

but also with a smart
missile system...

we can launch a matchstick
in Milwaukee...

and stick it up the ass
of termite in Tehran.

Shit happens.

This blows.

"Killer, Whores and Jackals.
Behind Brand USA".

Good title, huh?

It's a little wordy.

Vehicle from the front!

All right, that's it! Hold it!

We are going to honeymoon.

Dude, it's the newlyweds!

Hey! Stand down!

Yonica, congratulations.
Your chariot's right this way.

Thank you.

- I have your poster on my wall.
- No, he's lyin'. It's my wall.

I used to... no. Bye.

Run, run, run.

Run, run, run.

I cannot fucking believe this.

Yonica, I know I saved you but I don't
want you putting me up on a pedestal.

I'm just a person, just a man.

Are you crazy? Where have you been?

- You are a fucking asshole, you know?
- Oh, I feel much better.

Go. Turn this thing on!

So you don't want her to
be an assassin like you.

Well, don't worry because
I want to be like you.

- Yonica, don't be so sarcastic.
- I'm not.

- Where are we going?
- I don't know.

What do you mean, I don't know?

When I said I don't know,
it means I don't know.

- GuideStar!
- Welcome back, Mr. Hauser.

I can book you an hotel,
make you a dinner reservation.

You wanna just be spontaneous?

Spontaneous? It's Memorial Day
weekend, what if everything's full?

It's not gonna be full.
Jerry, am I right?

Don't get Jerry involved in this.

Would you two stop fighting?

We're not fighting.
We're just discussing.

- It be sounding like fighting.
- Now she hates fighting.

Well, what do you expect?
Look at her father!

This is the former vice
president speaking.

In response to the cowardly
and unprovoked terrorist...

attack on the Emerald
City mall...

Tamerlane is pleased to announce
that it has been awarded the contract...

to preemptively strike Ugikistan...

which intelligence has
confirmed is behind this...

and hundreds of other
attacks in Turaqistan.

America cannot stand idly by and
allow hostile foreign powers...

to meddle in Turaqi affairs.

Intelligence has also conclusively stated...

that the Ugikis are developing
a nuclear arsenal...

and we cannot let the smoking gun come
in the form of a mushroom cloud.