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1
00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:05,680
Hey, you know what?
2
00:00:05,856 --> 00:00:08,120
It says "no food or drink."
You can't take that in.
3
00:00:08,292 --> 00:00:11,193
- Just wait here. I'll be right out.
- Wait a second. Come on.
4
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:15,027
I wanna go in.
5
00:00:18,536 --> 00:00:20,163
I'm just running in.
6
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:24,039
Come on. Come on.
7
00:00:39,557 --> 00:00:41,855
You know what?
They don't have batteries here.
8
00:00:42,026 --> 00:00:43,891
Let's go.
9
00:00:50,501 --> 00:00:52,560
Hey, Georgie's moving out.
10
00:00:52,737 --> 00:00:54,671
- Get out.
- I'm out.
11
00:00:54,839 --> 00:00:57,535
Fantastic apartment
right across from mine.
12
00:00:57,708 --> 00:00:59,005
I can't wait for you to see.
13
00:00:59,510 --> 00:01:02,070
- Is it better than mine?
- Oh, yeah.
14
00:01:02,747 --> 00:01:05,978
So it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-
make-your-friends-hate-you.
15
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:07,344
It's better than Elaine's.
16
00:01:07,518 --> 00:01:09,076
- Gotta give her a call.
- She's out.
17
00:01:09,253 --> 00:01:12,416
- Right, the blind date.
- Well, they like to call it a setup now.
18
00:01:12,590 --> 00:01:16,356
I guess the blind people don't like
being associated with all those losers.
19
00:01:16,527 --> 00:01:18,256
Come on,
come check out my new place.
20
00:01:18,796 --> 00:01:21,788
I can't. I'm meeting Kramer
down at my Mini Storage.
21
00:01:21,966 --> 00:01:23,297
Got any extra furniture there?
22
00:01:23,467 --> 00:01:27,028
I need some more stuff to fill that
extra bedroom with a walk-in closet.
23
00:01:27,505 --> 00:01:29,234
Oh, this is really annoying.
24
00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,634
It's working already.
25
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:37,576
What is with that?
26
00:01:38,115 --> 00:01:39,605
Well, it's coughing, Jerry.
27
00:01:39,784 --> 00:01:43,550
It expels the diseased germs
out of the body into the air.
28
00:01:44,588 --> 00:01:47,921
- Where is your key?
- Yeah, well, Newman... He's got it.
29
00:01:48,092 --> 00:01:50,822
You know, Kramer,
I rented out half of my space to you.
30
00:01:50,995 --> 00:01:54,089
Yeah, and I rented out half that space
to Newman.
31
00:02:00,805 --> 00:02:02,067
Mailbags?
32
00:02:02,239 --> 00:02:03,729
He's storing mail in here?
33
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,804
Evidently.
34
00:02:06,844 --> 00:02:08,072
Excuse me, George?
35
00:02:08,646 --> 00:02:09,977
No menus.
36
00:02:10,781 --> 00:02:14,774
No, I'm Mrs. Ricardi,
president of the tenants' association.
37
00:02:14,952 --> 00:02:17,113
Oh, right. Right. Hey.
38
00:02:17,288 --> 00:02:19,688
Hey, I love the floors in here.
It's like a gymnasium.
39
00:02:19,857 --> 00:02:22,724
- Try and guard me. Come on.
- No, no.
40
00:02:23,327 --> 00:02:28,060
George, unfortunately,
Clarence Eldridge, in 8C...
41
00:02:28,232 --> 00:02:30,530
has decided
that he wants the apartment.
42
00:02:31,135 --> 00:02:32,830
Yeah, but you promised it to me.
43
00:02:33,003 --> 00:02:37,531
Yes, but you see, Mr. Eldridge
is an Andrea Doria survivor.
44
00:02:38,175 --> 00:02:41,975
And in light of the terrible suffering
that he's already been through...
45
00:02:42,146 --> 00:02:44,011
we've decided to give it to him.
46
00:02:44,849 --> 00:02:46,544
Well...
47
00:02:46,717 --> 00:02:48,207
the Andrea Doria.
48
00:02:48,986 --> 00:02:50,351
That was quite a fire.
49
00:02:50,855 --> 00:02:53,346
- Shipwreck.
- I remember it.
50
00:02:59,463 --> 00:03:02,899
Where is this guy? I hate this.
51
00:03:03,234 --> 00:03:05,668
I should have brought something
to read.
52
00:03:07,738 --> 00:03:10,468
"Cancer in laboratory animals."
53
00:03:11,575 --> 00:03:13,008
Excuse me. Elaine Benes?
54
00:03:13,177 --> 00:03:15,008
- Yeah?
- An Alan Mercer called for you.
55
00:03:15,179 --> 00:03:18,012
He said he's sorry,
but he won't be able to make it tonight.
56
00:03:18,182 --> 00:03:19,672
He's been stabbed.
57
00:03:22,353 --> 00:03:23,411
Stabbed?
58
00:03:24,255 --> 00:03:25,813
More bread?
59
00:03:30,027 --> 00:03:31,551
You ate more bread?
60
00:03:33,597 --> 00:03:35,064
That is not the point.
61
00:03:35,232 --> 00:03:36,699
The guy was stabbed.
62
00:03:36,867 --> 00:03:38,562
- You find out who stabbed him?
- Yeah.
63
00:03:38,736 --> 00:03:41,500
It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.
64
00:03:42,740 --> 00:03:45,231
Well, you're not going near
this hooligan anymore.
65
00:03:46,510 --> 00:03:48,444
I don't know.
I mean, think about it, Jerry.
66
00:03:48,612 --> 00:03:50,842
There must be something exciting
about this guy...
67
00:03:51,015 --> 00:03:54,781
if he can arouse
that kind of passion.
68
00:03:56,887 --> 00:04:00,152
I mean, to be stabworthy,
you know? It's....
69
00:04:01,592 --> 00:04:03,856
It's kind of a compliment.
70
00:04:05,062 --> 00:04:08,122
Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot.
He could have been the one.
71
00:04:10,301 --> 00:04:11,632
Hey, how's everybody?
72
00:04:11,802 --> 00:04:12,928
- Hey.
- Hey.
73
00:04:14,405 --> 00:04:17,067
There's no expiration date on this.
74
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:19,703
There is now.
75
00:04:21,612 --> 00:04:24,103
You should get that cough
checked out by a doctor.
76
00:04:24,281 --> 00:04:26,613
No, no, no. No doctors for me.
77
00:04:26,784 --> 00:04:31,016
Bunch of lackeys and yes men
all toeing the company line.
78
00:04:31,589 --> 00:04:34,387
Plus they botched my vasectomy.
79
00:04:34,758 --> 00:04:37,283
- They botched it?
- I'm even more potent now.
80
00:04:40,564 --> 00:04:43,032
- Hey.
- Hey, how's the new place?
81
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,428
Gone.
82
00:04:44,602 --> 00:04:47,332
The tenant association
made me give it to this guy...
83
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:49,734
because he was
an Andrea Doria survivor.
84
00:04:50,441 --> 00:04:52,909
Andrea Doria? Is that the one
they did the song about?
85
00:04:53,077 --> 00:04:54,704
Edmund Fitzgerald.
86
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:58,279
I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.
87
00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:03,319
No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer.
Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.
88
00:05:03,487 --> 00:05:05,546
You could fit 15 people
in that bathroom.
89
00:05:05,956 --> 00:05:07,821
I think Gordon Lightfoot
was the boat.
90
00:05:07,992 --> 00:05:10,722
Yeah, and it was rammed
by the Cat Stevens.
91
00:05:11,562 --> 00:05:14,224
The Andrea Doria collided
with the Stockholm in dense fog...
92
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:17,231
12 miles off the coast
of Nantucket.
93
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,868
- How do you know?
- It's in my book:
94
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,634
Astonishing Tales of the Sea.
95
00:05:27,378 --> 00:05:28,936
Fifty-one people died.
96
00:05:29,113 --> 00:05:31,308
Fifty-one people?
97
00:05:31,482 --> 00:05:33,143
That's it?
98
00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:35,449
I thought it was like a thousand.
99
00:05:35,619 --> 00:05:38,179
There were 1660 survivors.
100
00:05:38,355 --> 00:05:40,380
That's no tragedy.
101
00:05:40,557 --> 00:05:44,789
How many people you lose
on a normal cruise, 30, 40?
102
00:05:44,962 --> 00:05:46,327
Can I take a look at that book?
103
00:05:46,497 --> 00:05:48,590
Oh, yeah.
I also got Astounding Bear Attacks.
104
00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:51,701
Before you go, did you talk to Newman
about getting that mail out?
105
00:05:51,869 --> 00:05:53,666
Oh, yeah. No, he's not gonna do it.
106
00:06:01,312 --> 00:06:04,372
- Newman?
- I guess.
107
00:06:04,982 --> 00:06:07,542
Listen, I want you to get the mail
out of my storage unit.
108
00:06:07,718 --> 00:06:10,653
Sometimes we don't get
what we want.
109
00:06:10,821 --> 00:06:13,756
- What are you talking about?
- I didn't get my transfer.
110
00:06:13,924 --> 00:06:16,358
- Transfer?
- To Hawaii.
111
00:06:16,527 --> 00:06:19,360
The most sought after postal route
of them all.
112
00:06:19,530 --> 00:06:23,933
The air is so dewy sweet, you don't
even have to lick the stamps.
113
00:06:24,368 --> 00:06:27,565
But it's not to be.
So I'm hanging it up.
114
00:06:27,738 --> 00:06:30,434
- You quit the post office?
- Kind of.
115
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:34,270
I'm still collecting checks,
I'm just not delivering mail.
116
00:06:35,779 --> 00:06:38,111
Well, get it out of my storage.
It's illegal.
117
00:06:38,282 --> 00:06:40,773
And yet it's perfectly legal
to take a man's soul...
118
00:06:40,951 --> 00:06:43,181
and crush it out
like a stale Pall Mall.
119
00:06:43,354 --> 00:06:45,379
Well, the law's the law.
120
00:06:50,861 --> 00:06:51,953
Hold on there, it's....
121
00:06:52,129 --> 00:06:54,757
- It's a nasty cough you got there.
- What cough?
122
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,638
I love shrimp. I'm a shrimp eater.
123
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:07,200
You put shrimp in front of me,
and I'll eat it till my stomach pops.
124
00:07:08,879 --> 00:07:12,246
No, it's okay.
I'm still just a little bit jumpy.
125
00:07:12,983 --> 00:07:14,814
Between you and me...
126
00:07:14,985 --> 00:07:17,146
what happened there,
with the stabbing?
127
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,887
Just one of those things, you know.
128
00:07:20,057 --> 00:07:22,184
What, was she just so crazy
in love with you...
129
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,293
she just couldn't take it
anymore, or...?
130
00:07:24,461 --> 00:07:26,292
I don't know. Could be.
131
00:07:26,964 --> 00:07:28,556
- Alan?
- Carol?
132
00:07:33,070 --> 00:07:35,470
Was that the one?
Was that the one who stabbed you?
133
00:07:35,639 --> 00:07:36,970
No, that was a different girl.
134
00:07:40,444 --> 00:07:42,469
There was another
crazed ex-girlfriend?
135
00:07:42,646 --> 00:07:45,672
Right. So I called my friend...
You know, the one who set us up?
136
00:07:45,849 --> 00:07:48,647
I found out
he's a bad breaker-upper.
137
00:07:49,753 --> 00:07:51,482
- Bad how?
- You know when you break up...
138
00:07:51,655 --> 00:07:53,247
how you say things
you don't mean?
139
00:07:53,424 --> 00:07:55,016
He says mean things
you don't mean...
140
00:07:55,192 --> 00:07:56,523
- but he means them.
- I follow.
141
00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:58,217
- What are you gonna do?
- Dump him.
142
00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:00,693
I can't be with someone
who doesn't break up nicely.
143
00:08:00,864 --> 00:08:03,128
To me, that's an important part
of a relationship.
144
00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:04,892
What's more important?
145
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,900
Hey.
146
00:08:11,375 --> 00:08:13,366
- What's with the dog?
- Yeah, this is Smuckers.
147
00:08:13,544 --> 00:08:15,171
I borrowed him.
148
00:08:18,715 --> 00:08:20,580
Yeah, we share the same affliction.
149
00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,343
So I'm gonna have a vet
check us out.
150
00:08:22,519 --> 00:08:25,818
- A vet?
- I'll take a vet over an MD any day.
151
00:08:25,989 --> 00:08:30,119
They gotta cure a lizard, a chicken,
a pig, a frog, all on the same day.
152
00:08:30,294 --> 00:08:33,388
So if I may jump ahead...
153
00:08:33,564 --> 00:08:35,191
you're gonna take dog medicine?
154
00:08:35,365 --> 00:08:37,731
You bet we are. How smart is that?
155
00:08:38,969 --> 00:08:40,698
See you.
156
00:08:44,308 --> 00:08:46,071
Ahoy, Mr. Eldridge.
157
00:08:49,346 --> 00:08:51,473
I understand you were on
the Andrea Doria.
158
00:08:51,648 --> 00:08:53,878
Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
159
00:08:54,051 --> 00:08:58,078
I tell you, I hear people really stuff
themselves on those cruise ships.
160
00:08:58,255 --> 00:09:01,713
The buffet, that's the real ordeal,
huh, Clarence?
161
00:09:01,892 --> 00:09:03,416
We had to abandon ship.
162
00:09:03,594 --> 00:09:06,893
Well, all vacations
have to end eventually.
163
00:09:07,498 --> 00:09:08,726
The boat sank.
164
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,828
According to this,
it took 10 hours.
165
00:09:12,002 --> 00:09:15,335
It eased into the water like an old man
into a nice warm bath. No offense.
166
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,565
So, Clarence, how about...
167
00:09:19,743 --> 00:09:22,405
abandoning this apartment
and letting me shove off in it?
168
00:09:22,579 --> 00:09:23,978
Is that what this is all about?
169
00:09:24,848 --> 00:09:26,247
I don't think I like you.
170
00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,916
It's my apartment, Eldridge.
171
00:09:31,088 --> 00:09:34,387
The Stockholm
may not have sunk you, but I will.
172
00:09:37,027 --> 00:09:38,255
What are the symptoms?
173
00:09:38,428 --> 00:09:41,056
Well, it hurts when he swallows...
174
00:09:41,231 --> 00:09:43,461
especially when he drinks
orange juice.
175
00:09:43,634 --> 00:09:46,194
I mean, dog-food juice.
176
00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:48,531
And what's worse,
he has a nagging cough.
177
00:09:49,773 --> 00:09:51,764
That's it. That's it.
178
00:09:52,276 --> 00:09:54,540
Yeah, well, we've been seeing
a lot of this lately.
179
00:09:54,711 --> 00:09:56,440
Been drinking from the toilet?
180
00:09:56,780 --> 00:09:59,374
What? No.
181
00:10:00,317 --> 00:10:02,114
That's disgusting.
182
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,779
So that's it? We're breaking up?
183
00:10:05,956 --> 00:10:07,218
What? Breakup?
184
00:10:07,391 --> 00:10:10,827
- We went out on one date.
- Okay, yeah, sure, whatever you say.
185
00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,424
All right. Good, good.
186
00:10:13,597 --> 00:10:16,589
Okay, then, well....
So I'll see you around...
187
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:18,325
big head.
188
00:10:19,136 --> 00:10:21,866
- Pardon?
- You got a big head.
189
00:10:22,139 --> 00:10:23,470
It's too big for your body.
190
00:10:25,509 --> 00:10:26,737
That's it?
191
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,775
That's the best you got?
192
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:35,018
So he's keeping the apartment.
He doesn't deserve it, though.
193
00:10:35,185 --> 00:10:37,312
If he did suffer,
that was like 40 years ago.
194
00:10:37,487 --> 00:10:39,011
What have you done
for me lately?
195
00:10:39,189 --> 00:10:42,818
I've been suffering for the past 30
years up to and including yesterday.
196
00:10:42,993 --> 00:10:44,927
If this board is impressed
with suffering...
197
00:10:45,095 --> 00:10:48,223
maybe you should tell them
the astonishing tales of Costanza.
198
00:10:50,934 --> 00:10:54,370
- I should.
- Your work in this field is unparalleled.
199
00:10:54,605 --> 00:10:57,005
I could go bummer-to-bummer
with anyone on the planet.
200
00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:58,840
You're the man.
201
00:11:01,511 --> 00:11:04,446
- Jerry...
- I'll be with you in a moment.
202
00:11:06,550 --> 00:11:08,711
So you want a protein shake
or something?
203
00:11:09,152 --> 00:11:11,052
I guess I should get moving
on this, huh?
204
00:11:11,221 --> 00:11:13,212
- I'm gonna go.
- All right.
205
00:11:15,325 --> 00:11:16,553
Hello, Newman.
206
00:11:16,727 --> 00:11:18,991
- That mail, where is it?
- What's the difference?
207
00:11:19,162 --> 00:11:21,153
The guy with the Hawaii transfer
got busted...
208
00:11:21,331 --> 00:11:23,356
for hoarding
Victoria's Secret catalogs.
209
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,292
I gotta deliver that mail.
210
00:11:26,470 --> 00:11:28,370
Well, go ahead.
There's eight bags of it.
211
00:11:28,538 --> 00:11:30,005
Blast.
212
00:11:30,173 --> 00:11:34,439
There's no way I can handle eight
in addition to my usual load of one.
213
00:11:35,178 --> 00:11:36,907
I'll never get to Hawaii.
214
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,548
I'll be stuck
in this apartment building forever.
215
00:11:40,150 --> 00:11:41,811
The dream is dead.
216
00:11:42,152 --> 00:11:44,814
- You're giving up that easy?
- I usually do.
217
00:11:46,223 --> 00:11:47,781
- See you.
- Wait a minute, Newman.
218
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,585
You can't let this dream die.
219
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,058
You moving away is my dream too.
220
00:11:55,399 --> 00:11:57,390
- What are you proposing?
- Whatever it takes...
221
00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:59,831
for as long as it takes,
wherever it takes me...
222
00:12:00,003 --> 00:12:02,369
so long as it takes you
away from me.
223
00:12:02,539 --> 00:12:05,064
- An alliance?
- An alliance.
224
00:12:07,744 --> 00:12:09,871
Now get the hell out of here.
225
00:12:14,951 --> 00:12:18,182
Hawaii? That's why you're
helping Newman with the mail?
226
00:12:18,355 --> 00:12:20,880
Elaine,
Newman is my sworn enemy...
227
00:12:21,058 --> 00:12:25,324
and he lives down the hall
from my home. My home, Elaine.
228
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:28,794
Where I sleep,
where I come to play with my toys.
229
00:12:29,266 --> 00:12:31,029
Well, anyway, get this...
230
00:12:31,201 --> 00:12:32,463
I spoke to Alan.
231
00:12:32,636 --> 00:12:34,934
You know, I told him
I didn't wanna see him anymore.
232
00:12:35,105 --> 00:12:36,732
Called me big head.
233
00:12:36,907 --> 00:12:38,204
Big head?
234
00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:40,036
It's almost a compliment.
235
00:12:41,144 --> 00:12:44,238
It's one of the nicest things
anyone has ever said to me.
236
00:12:47,284 --> 00:12:49,115
- Hello? Hey, George.
- Hey.
237
00:12:49,286 --> 00:12:52,255
- Yeah, listen, I can't make it later.
- You can't make it?
238
00:12:52,422 --> 00:12:55,983
Yeah, the tenant association has
decided to hear my side of the story...
239
00:12:56,159 --> 00:12:58,218
so I gotta kind of get ready.
I'll see you.
240
00:12:58,395 --> 00:12:59,794
All right.
241
00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:03,124
- Is he not gonna go?
- Doesn't look like it's gonna happen.
242
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:07,469
- All right, well, I'll see you.
- All right.
243
00:13:11,641 --> 00:13:13,836
Kramer, aren't you taking
any medication for that?
244
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,205
Yeah. Yeah, I got some pills.
245
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,812
They taste terrible.
246
00:13:19,082 --> 00:13:22,017
- Just swallow them.
- Oh, my throat's too tender.
247
00:13:22,185 --> 00:13:24,153
- All right, sit down.
- I don't want to.
248
00:13:24,321 --> 00:13:26,812
- Come on. Just sit down.
- No, Jerry. What...?
249
00:13:26,990 --> 00:13:28,218
- Lay down.
- Why?
250
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,416
- Sit down. Lean your head back.
- Hey!
251
00:13:30,594 --> 00:13:32,186
Open your mouth.
Open your mouth.
252
00:13:32,362 --> 00:13:34,922
Open it. Open it.
253
00:13:45,809 --> 00:13:48,403
What kind of pills are these
anyway?
254
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:50,011
"For Smuckers"?
255
00:13:51,648 --> 00:13:55,243
"May cause panting
and loss of fur"?
256
00:13:56,820 --> 00:13:58,310
These are dog pills.
257
00:13:58,488 --> 00:13:59,978
We had the same symptoms.
258
00:14:00,157 --> 00:14:02,717
But he's a dog.
You need to see a real doctor.
259
00:14:02,893 --> 00:14:04,121
No. No doctors.
260
00:14:04,294 --> 00:14:05,852
All right.
261
00:14:06,496 --> 00:14:07,724
Where are you going?
262
00:14:07,898 --> 00:14:10,196
I'm taking the car. I gotta run errands.
Wanna go?
263
00:14:10,367 --> 00:14:11,629
I don't know.
264
00:14:11,802 --> 00:14:14,066
Come on, you wanna go
for a ride, huh?
265
00:14:14,538 --> 00:14:17,268
Come on. Come on. Yeah.
266
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,471
Lady, could you move your head
a little bit?
267
00:14:25,649 --> 00:14:28,709
- What?
- Your head. I can't see out the back.
268
00:14:31,188 --> 00:14:33,122
Little more.
269
00:14:34,925 --> 00:14:36,916
Little more.
270
00:14:40,564 --> 00:14:42,259
Thank you.
271
00:14:45,202 --> 00:14:47,636
I don't see any tissues back here.
272
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:49,199
Wait a minute.
273
00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:51,940
This isn't the way to the park.
274
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,370
Where are we going?
275
00:14:53,944 --> 00:14:56,378
I recognize this block.
276
00:14:56,947 --> 00:14:58,505
You're taking me to the doctor.
277
00:15:00,383 --> 00:15:02,715
So, Mom, Dad...
278
00:15:02,919 --> 00:15:04,819
I was hoping
that you could help me...
279
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:07,752
to remember my childhood
a little more clearly.
280
00:15:07,924 --> 00:15:10,984
I feel a draft. Let's change tables.
281
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,753
Get out of here. We have a booth.
282
00:15:13,363 --> 00:15:15,354
Frank, I'm cold.
283
00:15:15,565 --> 00:15:17,260
Order a hot dish.
284
00:15:18,468 --> 00:15:20,459
Why can't we sit over there?
285
00:15:20,637 --> 00:15:24,129
- That's not a booth.
- Who says we have to sit in a booth?
286
00:15:24,307 --> 00:15:27,606
I didn't take the subway to New York
to sit at a table like that!
287
00:15:27,777 --> 00:15:30,905
Well, I didn't take a subway
to be in a drafty restaurant!
288
00:15:31,081 --> 00:15:32,605
Mom...
289
00:15:32,782 --> 00:15:35,717
Now, George, what do you
wanna know about your childhood?
290
00:15:36,653 --> 00:15:39,417
Actually,
I think I'm pretty clear on it.
291
00:15:40,790 --> 00:15:43,224
Where's that breeze coming from?
292
00:15:43,660 --> 00:15:45,890
- Kramer, out of the car. Out now.
- No, Jerry.
293
00:15:46,062 --> 00:15:48,223
- All right. That's it. Come on.
- No. Jerry.
294
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,533
Hey. Hey, get back over here.
Kramer.
295
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,500
Get over here. You are bad.
296
00:15:55,672 --> 00:15:57,367
Bad neighbor.
297
00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,098
Kramer.
298
00:16:00,810 --> 00:16:04,940
Just then a rescue ship emerged
from the fog and saved us.
299
00:16:05,115 --> 00:16:06,548
It was...
300
00:16:09,953 --> 00:16:12,683
It was the sweetest sight
my eyes ever saw.
301
00:16:13,590 --> 00:16:15,421
Thank you, Mr. Eldridge.
302
00:16:15,792 --> 00:16:19,159
The tenant board will now hear
Mr. Costanza's testimony.
303
00:16:26,369 --> 00:16:27,927
How'd it go? Get it all delivered?
304
00:16:28,338 --> 00:16:31,068
- What happened?
- Kramer bit me.
305
00:16:34,778 --> 00:16:36,746
- Bit you?
- We had an argument about me...
306
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:40,314
moving to Hawaii and he locked on
to my ankle like it was a soup bone.
307
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:44,216
I'm hobbled.
I don't think I can do my route.
308
00:16:44,387 --> 00:16:46,855
And they're awarding the transfer
in two days.
309
00:16:47,023 --> 00:16:49,014
- Well, what if I delivered it?
- You?
310
00:16:52,495 --> 00:16:55,328
- You can't deliver mail.
- Why not?
311
00:16:57,233 --> 00:17:00,293
You're right. It's just walking around
and putting it in the boxes.
312
00:17:00,670 --> 00:17:04,231
- Well, what am I gonna wear?
- My uniform from my rookie year.
313
00:17:04,407 --> 00:17:06,875
I can't believe
I'm gonna be a mailman.
314
00:17:10,513 --> 00:17:13,209
Here you go. Merry Christmas.
315
00:17:13,383 --> 00:17:14,645
Mail on Sunday?
316
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:33,664
I was handcuffed to the bed
in my underwear...
317
00:17:33,837 --> 00:17:35,099
where I remained for....
318
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,603
She certainly seemed interested
in me.
319
00:17:37,774 --> 00:17:41,710
Though she was attractive,
she was also, in fact, a Nazi.
320
00:17:41,878 --> 00:17:47,009
The water that I had been
swimming in was very cold...
321
00:17:47,450 --> 00:17:52,012
and when I dropped the towel
there had been significant shrinkage.
322
00:17:52,756 --> 00:17:54,917
My parents were looking at me.
323
00:17:55,091 --> 00:17:57,150
So there I was...
324
00:17:57,927 --> 00:18:00,919
with the marble rye hanging
from the end of a fishing pole.
325
00:18:01,097 --> 00:18:03,531
In closing, these stories
have not been embellished...
326
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,600
because they need
no embellishment.
327
00:18:06,102 --> 00:18:09,401
They are simply, horrifyingly,
the story of my life...
328
00:18:09,572 --> 00:18:13,838
as a short, stocky,
slow-witted bald man.
329
00:18:14,377 --> 00:18:15,867
Thank you.
330
00:18:18,248 --> 00:18:20,011
Oh, also...
331
00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:24,142
my fianc�e died from licking
toxic envelopes that I picked out.
332
00:18:24,554 --> 00:18:26,078
Thanks again.
333
00:18:33,129 --> 00:18:36,064
Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff
in the box like you told me...
334
00:18:36,232 --> 00:18:38,757
but sometimes it says,
"Photographs: Do not bend."
335
00:18:38,935 --> 00:18:40,926
Do not bend.
336
00:18:42,172 --> 00:18:45,608
Just crease, crumple, cram.
You'll do fine.
337
00:18:49,012 --> 00:18:50,536
Hello?
338
00:18:50,980 --> 00:18:52,572
This is he.
339
00:18:53,283 --> 00:18:55,217
I don't understand.
340
00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:58,650
Very well.
341
00:18:59,522 --> 00:19:00,522
What?
342
00:19:00,690 --> 00:19:03,682
That was the vice president
of the post office.
343
00:19:05,261 --> 00:19:07,195
I didn't get the transfer.
344
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:09,991
They knew it wasn't me
doing my route.
345
00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:11,394
How did they know?
346
00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:14,196
Too many people got their mail.
347
00:19:14,471 --> 00:19:16,063
Close to 80 percent.
348
00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:19,606
Nobody from the post office has ever
cracked the 50-percent barrier.
349
00:19:19,776 --> 00:19:21,471
It's like the three-minute mile.
350
00:19:21,644 --> 00:19:24,772
- I tried my best.
- Exactly.
351
00:19:24,948 --> 00:19:27,439
You're a disgrace to the uniform.
352
00:19:32,889 --> 00:19:34,686
You know, this is your coat.
353
00:19:34,991 --> 00:19:36,618
Damn.
354
00:19:44,334 --> 00:19:46,564
He flew right into your head...
355
00:19:46,736 --> 00:19:48,328
Iike he couldn't avoid it.
356
00:19:48,972 --> 00:19:50,439
Really?
357
00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:52,632
Never seen that before...
358
00:19:52,809 --> 00:19:55,107
bird into a woman's head.
359
00:20:01,351 --> 00:20:03,751
There's no contest.
The guy had nothing.
360
00:20:03,987 --> 00:20:08,048
The ship went down,
he got into a lifeboat. Come on.
361
00:20:08,258 --> 00:20:10,488
Boy, he didn't know
what he was up against.
362
00:20:11,194 --> 00:20:13,059
So when do you move
into the apartment?
363
00:20:13,229 --> 00:20:15,857
They're making their decision today.
364
00:20:18,101 --> 00:20:20,228
- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing...
365
00:20:20,403 --> 00:20:24,999
except that a bird
ran into my giant freak head.
366
00:20:27,410 --> 00:20:28,775
What giant freak head?
367
00:20:28,945 --> 00:20:33,609
The one that sits atop
my disproportionately puny body.
368
00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:37,449
I'm a walking candy apple.
369
00:20:40,123 --> 00:20:42,216
So it's actually gotten to you?
370
00:20:42,392 --> 00:20:45,054
You're playing right into his hands.
371
00:20:45,228 --> 00:20:48,322
What? Yeah, you're right.
372
00:20:48,965 --> 00:20:52,366
All I have to do is call him up
and sit down with him...
373
00:20:52,535 --> 00:20:54,526
and show him
that it doesn't bother me.
374
00:20:54,704 --> 00:20:56,365
You know, laugh it off.
375
00:20:56,539 --> 00:20:58,336
Or jam a fork into his forehead.
376
00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:00,870
- Either way.
- All right.
377
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:06,648
- I want to apologize for...
- Oh, please.
378
00:21:06,816 --> 00:21:09,614
- And I hope we can get past all this.
- Past? We're way past.
379
00:21:10,053 --> 00:21:12,283
- So you have a big head.
- So what?
380
00:21:12,455 --> 00:21:14,889
Goes well with the bump
in your nose.
381
00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:17,151
What?
382
00:21:19,062 --> 00:21:23,192
Please, get help. There's a crazy,
bigheaded woman beating some guy.
383
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:26,767
Tell the police
it's the Old Mill Restaurant. Hurry.
384
00:21:36,946 --> 00:21:38,937
That's some cough you got.
385
00:21:39,182 --> 00:21:40,911
He's trying
to tell us something.
386
00:21:41,084 --> 00:21:43,245
- What is it? Trouble?
- Trouble.
387
00:21:43,419 --> 00:21:45,011
Trouble where? Where's trouble?
388
00:21:45,188 --> 00:21:47,247
Old Mill.
389
00:21:47,423 --> 00:21:49,550
Trouble at the Old Mill?
Oh, my God.
390
00:21:49,726 --> 00:21:51,921
Good boy. Good boy.
Lead the way. Come on.
391
00:22:03,373 --> 00:22:05,898
Excuse me,
what are you doing in there?
392
00:22:06,075 --> 00:22:08,873
I'm moving in.
Alan Mercer, new neighbor.
393
00:22:09,245 --> 00:22:10,974
But, what...?
Elaine's "big head" guy?
394
00:22:11,781 --> 00:22:14,011
- They gave you the apartment?
- Yeah.
395
00:22:14,183 --> 00:22:16,413
Why? Because you were stabbed...
396
00:22:16,586 --> 00:22:18,554
and got coffee thrown
in your face and...
397
00:22:18,721 --> 00:22:20,882
Oh, fork in the forehead.
398
00:22:21,557 --> 00:22:23,286
That's why
they gave you the apartment?
399
00:22:23,459 --> 00:22:26,019
No. Just gave the super 50 bucks.
400
00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:28,321
Wait a minute.
That is my apartment.
401
00:22:28,498 --> 00:22:31,126
I earned it with 34 years of misery.
402
00:22:31,301 --> 00:22:32,563
Tough luck, chinless.
30479
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