Original subtitles

Lucky, it's how my life feels sometimes.

Like it isn't mine

but some fucked-up alternate reality.

I'm a lucky man.

You think I don't realize that.

First time I killed, name was Eddie.

Can't forget the look in his eyes.

Fear.

Hadn't seen anything like it before.

Pure fear.

He would have done anything to live.

But I had the gun

and Cicero gave the order.

Eddie's luck had run out.

Guess I'm the lucky one.

Jason, thank you.

That was a really strong performance.

You got me.

Right here.

I've gotta say, Jay--

Um, oh, do you mind if I call you "Jay"?

Sure.

Jason, I was wondering is-- was that on the script

that we sent you?

Uh, yeah, look, it's right here.

You see, you were reading the-- the character

of Hank's dialogue.

Yeah, yeah, I know that.

Well, we kind of saw you more for Tommy.

Tommy?

Hank's uh, stoner buddy.

The fun guy.

I know who Tommy is, but--

Dude, it's the perfect role for you, bro.

I mean we loved you in Clerks.

And Clerks II.

Loved you.

ANTHONY: Loved you.

Come on, dude,

pooch to the doochilly moochilly.

Snooch to the-- ugh.

Sam Lennox.

Excuse me?

The Golden Rocket.

Yeah, I know Sam Lennox.

I've got a hockey stick back at my place

signed by the Golden Rocket himself.

It's one of my most prized possessions.

That man could hit a slap shot like no motherfucker alive.

Rest of his game wasn't up to much,

but that slap shot...

Pow!

He built a career for doing one thing incredibly.

And the man is a fucking legend.

You might wanna think about that, mate.

You know, I do every time I see that stick on my wall.

You let us know about the part.

JAY: I'll let you know.

All my details are on here.

You get in touch anytime, day or night.

Will do, thanks.

ANTHONY: Jay.

Pow!

Mewes!

Jay Mewes?

What's up, man?

Dude, can I get a picture with you, huh?

Sure, yeah, sure, of course.

Oh man, you're a fucking legend.

I can't believe you are still alive, bro.

Thanks, yeah, thanks for that.

Dude, you guys should do another Jay and Silent Bobmovie.

Um, yeah, it's up to Kevin.

This is awesome, thanks, man.

No problem, yeah.

JAY: Hey, I'm Jason Mewes

and I grew up in a small town called "Highlands", New Jersey.

You could say I was that mischievous kid

known around the town,

but the truth is my childhood was kind of fucked up.

My mom used to drive around

and have me steal from mail boxes.

She was single, three kids, no money, no job.

Well, at least not a taxable one.

Oh, and did I mention she was addicted to drugs?

Guess a shrink would tell you

that part kind of becomes relevant later on.

The drugs killed my mom,

but that's not the story I'm here to tell.

Not today anyway.

I wanna talk about a dude named "Kevin Smith".

This motherfucker changed my life.

He didn't really wanna hang out with me when he first met me,

but I would not leave it alone, man,

until finally he started finding me funny.

Before you know it we're hanging out all the time,

reading comic books and stuff.

Inseparable!

But I'm getting a little ahead of myself here.

I started working in New Jersey as a roofer

while Kevin had this crazy idea he could be making movies.

So he went off to film school.

Next thing I know Kevin quits film school

and he's using all his credit cards

to make his own movie.

Some madness about clerks.

And thus Jay and Silent Bob were born.

I'm Jay and this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob.

I am the clit commander.

♪ 15 bucks, little man ♪

♪ Put that shit in my hand ♪

Justice!

Thank you for your contribution, Claire.

Thank you for the chip in.

I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but--

- It's gonna get better.

You just have to be brave and hang in there.

Thank you.

Yeah, everyone thinks I'm a gangster,

because of the roles I play, Jay, you know?

You're Vinnie Jones, you're a fricking badass.

I mean you're a soccer star turned movie star.

I mean who does that?

No one, Jay.

No one fucking does that.

JAY: Hmm.

- VINNIE: I ever show you that. - What?

You want me to work the nipples while I cup the balls?

No, I fucking don't.

No, where did you get that? I've never seen that.

Back in the manor,

older lads held me down, carved Big Ben in me chest.

They didn't do a bad job, it's pretty good.

You know, Jay, life's not a walk in the park, mate.

Could have been very different for you and me.

That's very true.

You know, whenever I get negative

I always have a look in the mirror,

I look at the scar, the clock,

- you know what I mean? - Hmm.

Brings it all, keeps me grounded.

Fuck my balls, it's you!

Is the fat one nearby?

He's probably at home.

Hey, mate, have you got a fat boy for me?

A fat boy?

Not what you're thinking, ugh!

Oh, you beauty!

Believe me, sir, you could attack Russia

with this mother bitch.

- I might try it, mate, - Please, be careful,

the health and safety record is not--

Cool, it's cool.

It's for my mate, it's his birthday next week,

he loves this shit.

Motherfucker!

What's the matter?

This motherfucker on eBay, man.

You're buying stuff behind the Missus' back again?

This is number 69, Hardwyre Hactivist.

I want this so bad, Vinnie, it makes my balls burn.

You can get cream for that, you know, son?

How much you paying for this fucking thing?

Way too much, man.

If I meet this motherfucker,

I'm gonna make him eat his dog and phone.

VINNIE: It's dog and bone, you prat.

- What? - Dog and bone

is Cockney rhyming slang for phone.

Dog and bone, phone, you fucking muppet.

Wait, what does muppet rhyme with?

Nothing!

You are the muppet!

JAY: I appreciate this so much, Vin.

The podcast is an hour's drive away

and I can't be late for Kevin.

I will obey every traffic law, I will go the speed limit.

You get pulled over,

you're gonna be in jail all night,

then I'm gonna have to come and bail you out.

Well, my licence is suspended, I can't rent a car.

It's for one night.

I won't tell if you don't tell.

You break it, you buy it.

KEVIN: Oh my God, I look so old.

God damn it, I hate it, man.

I look like my father fucked my grandmother

and had me as a baby.

That's what I'm gonna talk about tonight on the show.

You might wanna lighten up a little bit,

you're so fucking bummed.

What's the matter, little boy blue?

It's nothing, it's...

Oh, today was the audition, wasn't it?

Didn't work out.

They just wanted you to be Jay, right?

Their casting director is an asshole.

I just don't understand why they can't consider me

for a serious role.

They don't necessarily think of you as an acteur,

like the moment you walk into the room

and that's honestly, probably my fault,

'cause I've made you this character.

No, I don't think it's your fault.

You lettin' me off the hook.

Good, 'cause I always thought it was your fault,

because I based the character on who you were

when you were a kid.

So technically, you dug your own fucking grave.

Fuck you, Moves,

I just wanna be taken serious for once.

Why don't you ask O'Halloran, he's making a movie.

Brian O'Halloran is directing?

He submitted a script to the studio,

they went apeshit, they fucking bought it,

and they're letting him direct.

Um, The Odyssey.

No way, The Odyssey.

I read that while we were doing Dogma

and we talked about it a million times.

Dude, I'm like perfect for the lead.

Oh, okay.

Well, look, I think the main character

is very much like you.

Whether or not you should play the lead,

that's a whole different discussion.

Can you talk to him for me?

It will sound better coming from you.

I-- I don't wanna get involved.

I don't want to call Brian O'Halloran.

You know what happens when you call Brian O'Halloran.

"Hey, man, pussy, man."

He talks about pussy for like two hours and shit.

I'm 46, I'm done talking about that.

Here's what you need to do.

You gotta drop science on the fools.

You can't just walk into a room

and be like "Snooch to the nooch."

They've seen that shit, man.

Jay and silly Bill are over.

What they want out of an actor walk in to the room,

it's commanding presence, man.

Walk in there like you're the authority

and drop some method on their asses.

Method?

Alright, fucking Daniel Day-Lewis

in My Left Foot, remember that shit?

No.

Alright, Suicide Squad.

- Remember Jared Leto? - Yes.

While they're making that movie,

there were all these stories in the press

about he was going method on it.

He was trying to get into the heart and soul

of that character.

That's what method is.

Method is when an actor, such as yourself,

just immerses themselves,

puts their head straight up the ass

of whatever character it is they are playing.

Leto stuck his head right up the Joker's ass.

Even when he wasn't on camera,

he was still in the Joker mindset.

And as we saw from that movie, it doesn't always work.

But like-- like Daniel Day-Lewis made it work

in My Left Foot, motherfucker is in a wheelchair

for like 26 years prepping for that role

and shit like that.

I don't understand a word you're fucking saying.

Matt Damon once told me about it.

I didn't get it.

He explained it to me and he explained it thusly,

he said, "Read a book."

He goes, "Read this book."

And I'm gonna text you the name of this fucking book.

"Read this book," he tells me, "And I swear to you

not only will you understand method acting,

but you yourself will become a better director."

And I never fucking read it.

You know who did? Ben.

And he won an Oscar.

Is it there? Did it pop up?

Yeah, it popped up.

You're the sweetest fucking person

I know in this world, honestly.

Look, you've got a $1,000,000 heart.

Nickel-head, but a $1,000,000 heart, man.

Very few people like you in the world, man.

Sweethearts get killed in this business.

You've got to be a badass, dude.

You gotta go into a room, be the motherfucking boss.

The boss?

The motherfucking boss!

SINGER:

One up.

There is the song, brother. The song.

We gotta do our exercises, man.

Okay, ready for this?

- Lion face.

Roar!

Lemon face.

- Lion face.

Dick-sucking face.

- KEVIN: Now, we good. - Yeah!

- KEVIN: Let's go do this. - Yeah.

KEVIN: Go get 'em, man, go get 'em.

- Yeah, boy, yeah!

Hold on, hold on, give it.

- Give me a hug. - JAY: Oh.

- I love you, bro.

Be funny, make me laugh. Make me laugh!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

FERNANDO: George, you asshole, you call yourself security.

I told you I don't wanna see that Latina girl

or any girl for that matter!

It-- it-- it-- it's me.

I-- I-- I talked to you online about the method acting book.

FERNANDO: Is there anyone else around?

No. No, it's just me.

Hello?

FERNANDO: Snooch to the motherfucking nooch.

I can't believe it's really you.

Wait a second, do we know each other?

♪ 15 bucks, little man ♪

♪ Put the shit in my hand ♪

FERNANDO AND

♪ If that money doesn't show ♪

♪ Then you owe me, owe me, owe ♪

♪ If that money doesn't show ♪

♪ Then you owe me, owe me ♪

♪ Owe ♪

Do not fall in love with me.

Wait, what-- what do you mean? I mean...

What are you doing in my house?

Oh, I came here to purchase the book, so...

You wanna die, Snoogans Boy!

What tha-- uh, sir, I'm just--

My name is Fernando Villareal.

I-- uh, uh, uh...

JAY: Oh, yeah.

I'm just messing with you.

It's a pleasure to meet you, man.

I've seen all your movies.

JAY: Thanks.

You thought I'd shoot you for real, huh?

Well, I uh, I've--

Thought you were messing with me,

Mr. Thingything.

I'll see if I shoot you with uh, chief of police's gun.

What the fuck?

Listen to me very carefully, Mewes.

I cannot let this book go just to anyone.

It is the only one in existence.

You have to read it slowly.

You can't mainline it.

Cut it up with other books.

Get some Chaucer, Dickens in you at the same time.

Uh, Dickens uh--

Once you read the book, you can't unread it.

It is not a guide to successful acting,

it is a guide to life.

JAY: Carrie, baby, you home?

Come on, motherfucker.

Oh, hey, baby.

Where you been?

Just out with some girlfriends.

Oh!

What's that?

It's Vinnie's.

You brought Vinnie's bomb into the house?

No, no, it's not a bomb, it's a fat boy.

Alright, I'll get the bomb--

Out of the house.

I tried to call you earlier.

Did you fix the roof today?

You do know what this means, don't you?

Jay's been a bad Jay.

And what happens when Jay's been a very bad Jay?

I am the clit commander.

Oh!

Command my clit, commander.

Snoochie boochie!

CARRIE: Oh, command my clit, commander.

Feel the anger.

Feel it for real.

Fuck!

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

What?

What mother...

Snoochie boochies.

Snoochie boochies.

- Snoochie boochies.

- Snoochie boochies. - JAY: So much shit.

- Snoochie boochies. - JAY: Fuck.

Welcome to moviestarrating.com.

Type in your favourite film star

to find out their rating on our charts

and thus their current importance

to the movie business.

I'm sorry.

There's no current news about this actor.

Perhaps you spelled it incorrectly.

JAY: What the hell?

Fuck you.

Time for drastic action.

I'll show 'em crazy.

Hollywood wants something drastic.

Scare 'em for real.

That's right.

Give me that method.

Method!

What the fuck?

- Yes, Jason? - Hey, motherfucker--

- Whoa! - Fuck.

You don't think I'm good enough for your piece-of-shit movie,

- huh? - I didn't fucking say-- shit.

- Whoa, whoa whoa, whoa.

Jay-- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You think you know me, bitch?

You don't know me.

Jay, Jay, whoa!

- Whoa! - Pow, bitch!

Whoa, oh!

It was just a misunderstanding!

Oh, you motherfucker!

Where the fuck are you?

Where the fuck?

JAY: Shit, the keys.

JAY: Fuck, where is he?

Shit, Jason, don't be stupid.

ANTHONY: Oh, motherfucker!

You, motherfucker!

Pow!

Oh shit! Be calm.

Get this out of the way and breathe.

Hazards.

Reverse.

I got this.

Oh.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Oof, okay.

Phew!

You cool, bro?

I think I might've nicked you with the car there.

Anthony?

Bro?

Okay.

Okay, Jason Mewes, you got this, man.

Okay, method this.

You got this.

Come on.

Oops, sorry about that.

Alright.

JAY: Oh shit!

Not cool, bro.

He didn't see me, man.

I do yoga.

Fuck, he might've saw me.

What the fuck!

Fuck!

He might've fucking saw me, shit.

Nah, he didn't see me.

He couldn't have seen me.

I was like this.

Like this.

He might have saw me.

Nah, he didn't see me, I'm too fucking good.

Shit.

Shit.

Jay, what the fucking hell are you doing?

Uh-- I was just returning your car.

I mean I--

Why couldn't you wait till the morning?

I just thought you needed the car back early, right?

- So... - No, I don't need it early.

I'm sorry, bro, I just--

I just wanted to make sure you had it--

Do you want a lift?

No, no, I'm gonna walk, the la--

Stay here if you want.

No, it's like my old lady wants me home,

like do the like cuddling and stuff.

Plus, she has me on this diet thing,

she thinks I'm getting fat, so I'll walk.

- Oh! - It's fine.

Thank you.

Fucking muppet.

Fuck that.

♪ Shh ♪

♪ Shh ♪

♪ It's oh so quiet ♪

♪ Shh, shh ♪

♪ It's oh so still ♪

Pow, bitch!

♪ Shh, shh ♪

♪ You're all alone ♪

♪ Shh, shh ♪

♪ And so peaceful until ♪

♪ You fall in love ♪

♪ Zing boom ♪

♪ The sky up above ♪

♪ Zing boom ♪

♪ Is caving in ♪

♪ Wow, bam ♪

♪ You've never been so nuts about a guy ♪

♪ You wanna laugh, you wanna cry ♪

♪ You cross your heart and hope to die ♪

CARRIE: Jason.

- Jason, Jason! - Huh?

Something's happened to Vinnie.

- Vinnie? - Listen.

Early hours of the morning, Mr. Jones,

the well-known British sports and movie star

was taken into custody.

Our sources report that the charge is homicide.

Jones has a reputation on the soccer field

for grabbing genitalia and for his big hard tackles.

That'll be the press.

They know you guys were friends.

Mr. Jason Mewes, I should have known.

Excuse me?

I need to ask you a few questions

regarding a homicide that happened

in the Hollywood Hills last night.

A homicide, I can't help you with that,

I've been home here the whole night.

- You need to stop resisting. - But, wait a second.

I'm not resisting, I'm just saying

that I don't know anything about a homicide--

- Suspect is resisting!

You have the right to remain silent.

Does the name Anthony Costalino ring a bell?

No.

He was murdered outside of his home last night

in an apparent hit-and-run.

Uh, I'm s-- sorry to hear that.

We have reason to believe that there was an altercation

that took place inside of his home prior to the murder.

Um, with all due respect, officer--

Detective.

What does that have to do with me?

Vinnie Jones' car was confirmed

- as the hit-and-run vehicle. - What?

The neighbor was able to write down the plates

right before the car sped off.

We found fragments of brain and skull--

- Buddy? - All up in the grill.

I guess the uh, murderer forgot to clean that up, didn't he?

Well, what does Vinnie have to say about it?

It's like I'm going off my fucking head.

Vinnie is adamantly denying all charges.

And the witness?

We were lucky the witness said anything--

Oh! Oh my God!

He's a bit traumatized by the situation,

but the doctor said that he'll be back in a week

and we'll be having a nice little chit chat with him

about exactly what happened that night.

He-- he probably would have blurted something out

when he gave you the plates, right?

So he probably doesn't know anything.

Do you recognize this, Mr. Mewes?

This is my wallet, I've been looking for that.

We found it in the back of Mr. Jones' car.

You know what, actually, I was in the supermarket.

He-- he drove me to the supermarket yesterday

and I think I must have dropped it in there.

- I mean... - And you were driving the car?

No, no, no, Vinnie dropped me.

Because you are not allowed to drive,

are you, Mr. Mewes?

I can drive starting today.

You lost your license for speeding.

Finding a wallet in the back seat

of a friend's car is enough reason

to charge someone for murder?

Should we arrest you for murder?

Isn't that why I'm here?

You are here, because you were resisting arrest

and you showed extreme aggression

towards detective Peterson and myself.

You're not pressing charges.

No.

But, Mr. Mewes, don't go far now.

JAY: Hopefully not.

Is uh, Vinnie allowed to have visitors?

You've gotta to go and get me out of here.

You gotta spring me.

And I'll be in the cell?

I'm-- I'm going insane here.

This is getting deeper and deeper in the shit.

Yeah, mate.

Give us five minutes, will you leave?

Pleased to see you, mate.

They brought me down, too.

They found my wallet in your car.

I know they did, but I didn't give 'em your name.

Plenty of things I am.

One thing I ain't is a fucking grass.

But I'm sorry to have to ask this.

No, I know what you're gonna say.

You have anything to do with this at all?

Man, I swear I do not.

I don't know what-- what's going on here.

I'm embarrassed to fucking say it.

You ever met this geezer, Anthony Costalino?

Um, never.

You never saw anyone around

when you dropped the car off, did you?

Any little detail that could help me out a little bit

and-- Jay.

Jay? Anything.

No, I didn't see anything, you know?

Nothing at all.

It's gotta be something I'd done years ago

and they've got the beef about it.

Seriously?

Trying to stitch me right up.

They found the idiot's blood on the door fucking mat.

I've put me hands up loads of times.

Fucking do the crime, you do the time, and that's it.

I've got nothing to do with this, Jay,

you know that.

You know-- you know what?

I'm gonna fix this, bro.

I'm gonna get you out.

What do you mean you'll fix it?

How can you fix it?

Just sit tight.

What do you mean sit tight?

Jay!

Jay!

Can I speak to Detective Arnold, please?

And what is it concerning?

It's about the Vinnie Jones murder.

One moment please.

Hi, Geena, I've--

GEENA: I know you got arrested for murder

or something like that.

Are you out yet?

Because if you're not, whatever you are doing

is not as important as this right now.

And even if you are still under arrest,

you need to escape.

Eva Campbell from Haw fucking thorn productions,

- she wants you to come in. - Hawthorn?

They just turned me down for a role last month.

Oliver Radburn just called in sick,

first day of the shoot.

Is he alright?

Oh, who the hell knows?

The producer saw you getting arrested

on TV this morning.

Thinks you fit in the role perfectly,

but you gotta make it in there right now.

Eva says they are holding the entire production.

They are sitting around wasting thousands of dollars an hour.

This is the film business.

You don't waste that kind of money--

Ain't the fucking '90s.

They're desperate!

Is there many lines?

Eva is going crazy.

She says this part is a game-changer,

a career-changer.

Could steal the entire movie.

You're looking at a guaranteed theatrical.

This is gonna slam you right where you wanna be.

Opportunities don't drop in your lap like this.

It's a perfect storm, you son of a bitch,

so don't fuck this up.

Get your ass over there

and try not to kill anybody on the way.

Jesus, Geena!

GEENA: What? Too soon?

Oh God, you can't take a joke.

Alright, well, just get your ass down there,

Alright, Jason?

Jason?

Oh, come on, Jason.

- You wanna see me? - GEENA: Are you there?

Jason!

Yeah, I, uh--

GEENA: Jay!

- I, uh-- - Drop in your lap.

Career-changer.

Eva Campbell.

Opportunities.

Steal the entire movie.

Don't fuck this up.

Yeah, I wanted to make sure there is no bad blood

between the two of us and I was just gonna say

if I can be of any further assistance,

just please give me a call.

And I hope you find the real killer.

Thanks.

NEWS REPORTER 1: Mr. Mewes!

Mr. Jay!

Hello, David.

Have you ever tried acupuncture?

You see what's really amazing is if you stab right here--

You feel the pain simultaneously in your feet.

ZACH: Cut! Cut!

For God's sake, cut.

Put the light on.

Okay, lights up, please.

Jason,

darling, that was absolutely spellbinding.

Thank you.

Uh, oh, are you doing your method there?

Sorry.

Uh, I'll give you a moment.

Harold, darling, I believed your pain,

but you forgot your cue at the end, darling.

Um, passing out, remember?

Oh, you believed my fucking pain,

'cause I'm in fucking agony.

I told you that blade is too sharp.

ZACH: May I see the blade, please?

That bastard Mewes' role.

Uh, he's-- he's enjoying this.

I could see it in his eyes.

Oh, for God's sakes, Harold.

Man up, the blade's not that bloody sharp.

Lunch, everybody.

Lunch, everybody!

That's lunch.

Right, I spent three fucking years at RADA...

Fucking silent, fucking Sponge Bob thinks

he's fucking Robert De Niro.

Mr. Jason Mewes!

A word please, sir.

That was a very impressive performance young man,

very impressive.

Thank you, sir.

I can see that look in your eyes.

It's green, it's fucking dynamite.

No more Snoogans for you, no, sir.

This whole method thing suits you very well.

It brings out all of your darkness.

Oh yes.

Snoochie boochies.

Snoochie boochies.

Snoochie boochies.

JAY: I am the clit commander.

Jason Mewes is back.

Straight after getting arrested,

Mewes landed a role on Acupuncture Killer

and the producers are--

BRIAN: I'm not even supposed to be here right now.

Rumors are flying all over Hollywood

about who Brian O'Halloran is going to cast

in his movie The Odyssey,

which is due to start filming very soon.

O'Halloran, fucker.

BRIAN: This is Brian O'Halloran.

Clearly, I'm not supposed to be here right now.

So leave me a message after the beep.

Stan tea, please.

Hey, can you please uh, maybe give me a call back

or answer your phone?

Thanks, brother.

Fucker, man!

He's-- track you down and kick that ass.

Oh shit. Oh shit.

DEAN: Jay, it's me.

DEAN: It's me, Jason.

Me? Who-- who's me?

- It's Dean. - Dean Cain, whoa!

Dude, no! Sh-- shut up.

If I get caught out here, I'm gonna be signing shit

for a month.

Okay, you have no idea how fast these fuckers mobilize.

Yeah, dude, it's great to see you, cuz,

but I don't think anyone cares, brother.

I broke this fucking kid's heart yesterday,

because I couldn't fly.

You can't fly?

He wanted me to take off right then and there.

- Seriously? - I shit you not.

But it's pretty cool, dude,

you have cemented yourself into history.

You played fucking Superman.

I could negotiate peace in the Middle East

whilst unifying Korea into one single harmonious state

and figure out who shot JFK.

And guess what they'd wanna fucking talk to me about?

That is sort of a bummer.

I seem 'em in my dreams.

The fan boys, they are everywhere.

I can't escape even when I'm asleep.

I'm gonna get shot one day

and you know what the last thing is

that I'm gonna see?

Um, Zod?

It's gonna be the disappointed face

of some fanatic

who is absolutely astounded that I can't stop a bullet.

Bullets, they fucking pierce me, Jason.

Fuck!

So I hear you've been busy lately.

Yeah, dude, I just had this sweet gig, man, that's--

That's-- that's not what I'm talking about.

- Arrested. - Oh.

How's that working out for you?

Really good, bro.

I'm telling you like people have seen me

- in a whole different way. - That's good, that's good.

What have you got lined up next?

Uh, nothing right now, but--

Jason, you have to hit now while the iron is hot, man.

You need to capitalize right now,

get the roles while you're benefiting

from the extra profile.

I'm actually trying to get this script right now, right?

- It's written by Brian O'-- - O'Halloran.

- Yeah, right. - You know it?

Dude, everybody knows it.

It's the talk of the town.

They're already scheduling it for an Oscar seasons release.

Is-- is O'Halloran-- is he gonna hook you up?

Well, I mean I'm hoping that he's gonna hook me up

with the lead.

But wait, did you say Oscars, bro?

You--

- What? - Have you been behaving, Jason.

Of course, I am.

You're not back on the-- I mean, you know?

No! No.

Studio picture?

You fucking kidding me?

You think the studio is gonna offer you the lead

in an Oscar hopeful?

Even if O'Halloran really goes to bat for you,

you still gotta get arrested again for the extra headlines.

Wait, what?

Even if O'Halloran--

No, no, no, about the arrest thing.

- Where do we-- - Hey!

- Can I grab a quick picture? - Oh, me?

- Yeah. - Yeah, sure, yeah.

Hey, man, alright.

So, alrighty.

- Nice, bro. - Awesome.

- Pound it, pound it. - Yeah, bro.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Yeah.

Be careful, Jason.

And don't do anything stupid, it's not worth it.

Alright, I know, that's good.

You're gonna get up?

No, no, I'm good. I'm good here.

Okay.

I'll see you later, bro.

Good to see you.

Oh, c-- co-- could you get me my coffee?

JAY: Here.

Thanks.

NEWS ANCHOR: The LAPD is a buzz today after news

of a witness coming forward in the Vinnie Jones murder case.

Information is scarce at this point,

but our sources believe the witness did see the murderer

and will be able to identify him.

As of yet, we have no comment from Mr. Jones's representatives

or indeed from Jason Mewes,

who was arrested on the same morning as Jones.

Stay with us as the day gets--

Wait a second.

I'm hearing that we've located Mr. Mewes

and our reporter Oliver is with him live.

Oliver?

Mr. Mewes!

How do you feel about recent events

regarding the murder case of your good friend

and notorious ball grabber Vinnie Jones?

A witness has come forward to say

they remember seeing the driver on the night of the murder.

Wait, what?

Are you now willing to admit that your good friend

is a killer and never actually let go

of his British gangland connections?

NEWS REPORTER 4: Is it true Jones has been a secret gangland boss

terrorizing Hollywood?

Does Vinnie get his movie roles through intimidation?

No way, he is a very nice guy--

What are you not telling us, Mr. Mewes?

Mr. Mewes! Mr. Mewes!

- What are you not-- - Mr. Mewes!

Mr. Mewes!

Police are keeping tightly sealed

as to the identity of the witness

in the Vinnie Jones murder case,

but many are speculating as to who it could be.

I mean it literally could be anyone.

LA is a really big place.

It's not me.

JAY: There he is.

Alright, I'm...

...just gonna warn him.

Just warn him.

Bro, it's okay.

It's just...

Don't be startled like, uh...

Hey, bro, it's-- it's cool.

Look, hey!

It's cool.

I just wanted to know where Stan Lee lives.

I know he lives close.

I just need a little help getting to his house.

Fuck, don't you fucking move--

Or I'll cut you, bitch.

What are you doing?

When they ask you if you saw me that night

you're gonna say you didn't.

I d-- I-- I didn't see you.

Wait, what?

No, I-- I thought I saw that British soccer guy

they keep putting on the news.

It was dark I th--

I saw...

- JAY: Hey! - No!

I thought you were giving me a warning.

- But I am. - You're trying to kill me.

No, no, no, you were trying to run away.

You're that silent Jay guy.

Whoa!

Look, what you made me do!

Oh, I need 911, 911!

Oh, here, let me get it for you.

Oh fuck!

I need an amb-- ambulance.

- Shit, dude, alright. - God, I'm dying.

Dude, that should be okay.

What-- what, um, what street is this, again?

It's Maple Boulevard, you fucking asshole!

Holy shit!

That was your face that night.

It's coming back to me.

I'm gonna make you fucking pay.

I'm gonna tell 'em what you did.

I'm gonna make you fucking pay, you bastard!

You're looking pretty pale, bro.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No, no, don't g--

Don't go, don't go away, please, come back.

Call an ambulance please.

I didn't see anything that night, man.

I don't know-- I don't know your face.

I don't know what you look like.

I've never seen any of your movies.

That's good.

I wasn't even supposed to be here today, bro.

What are you doing?

What are you--

Oh!

No, no, no, no.

Pleased don't-- don't do that.

Don't-- don't--

Put that in your pocket, go put it in your pocket.

Put it away, put it away!

Oh, oh, no.

THE WITNESS: Please, don't.

Ow, shit!

Why did you do that?

Look, dude, I was just here to warn you, bro.

It don't come natural to me, I'm not a cold-blooded killer!

I'm f--

I feel like...

I'm dizzy.

Oh shit.

What am I doing?

I almost fucking actually killed this motherfucker on purpose.

Oh God, what the fuck am I doing?

What the fuck!

Wait a second.

Wait.

Vinnie's in jail.

They're gonna know it wasn't him.

JAY:

Okay, that's right.

JAY: Shit! Holy fuck!

JAY: Holy fuck!

Holy fuck!

Holy sh--

Holy shit.

Breathe out, man.

JAY: Oh, come, man.

Oof!

- Excuse me? - Whoa!

- Dude.

GEORGE: What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

Well, what's wrong with you, bro?

What the fuck is wrong with you, bro?

JAY: Who-- who are you?

I have fucking nerve issues, man.

You can't just randomly scream in people's faces.

You don't know me, you could've killed me, man.

So you're a security officer.

I'm the fucking security officer.

George Abrahams, security officer.

A security officer with nerve issues.

Dude, I'm-- I'm a fucking--

I'm a security guard machine, sir.

I'm like a 365° radar, man.

I see all the angles, dog.

You can't get past me.

Well, I apologize for that,

because I do need to see Ferrango, man.

Can't do it.

I have to warn him.

What do you have to warn him about?

There's a-- a Latina girl, and a couple of her friends,

and I passed them when I was coming here.

Fuck, they're dangerous in a group.

- JAY: Yeah. - Shit.

Which direction?

Uh, that way, about three blocks.

- GEORGE: Thanks, dude. - Cool.

I got your knight.

You know what that means.

Ay este pendejo!

You've been reading it too fast.

I can tell just by looking at you.

What page are you on?

I-- I don't know, like 200.

C--

Hey, hey, snap out of it.

What did I tell about keeping those feelings in check?

Just-- just go home. Go home.

Sleep it off.

Forget about the book for a couple of weeks.

It's working a little bit.

- It's sort of work-- - I am so sorry, Mr. Villareal.

He-- he snucked past me.

You Brutus motherfucking Spoodle.

FERNANDO: It's okay, it's okay.

Mewes! Mewes!

You have to relax, man.

Process everything that's going on

before you go loco.

Damn Hollywood.

All these actors are turning it into a warzone.

But these guys covered their tracks.

Definitely some madness in their method.

It's method in the madness, you idiot.

Fair enough.

You do know that Jason Mewes is linked to this case, right?

He is?

He was arrested the same day as Vinnie Jones.

But don't you know Jason Mewes?

Jason Mewes?

That smoochie boochie guy?

Yes, the snoochie boochie guy. Yeah, that guy.

I never met him, but, boy, I heard he's a knucklehead.

Well, we all can't be saints.

Oh crap, here comes the detective.

Look, I uh, I got nothing good to tell him here.

You might wanna--

Enough said.

I'm out of here.

Upward and onward, Jim.

DETECTIVE JIM: Yeah, yeah, yeah, onward and upward.

Wayne!

Wayne.

Good--

DETECTIVE JIM: Good to see you, sir.

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: Who's that?

Oh, this is Stan Lee.

- He's the neighbor. - Legend.

DETECTIVE JIM: Yeah. Yes, he is.

Shut up, give me some good news.

I got nothing.

This guy was either a professional

or he was one lucky son of a bitch.

You have the murder weapon?

My guys are searching the area right now,

but I'll be honest with you, Wayne,

I don't think we're gonna have positive results.

If this was gangland, they're not sloppy.

We're not gonna find shit.

Go.

Fucking idiot.

You motherfucker!

Something's definitely not right.

- Jason. - What?

NEWS ANCHOR: ...the most recent incident in the Jones murder case.

Over to Oliver for all the latest.

We now have confirmation that the body of the victim

is principal witness in the Vinnie Jones murder case.

LAPD sources are also telling us the body of the victim

was found with a symbol carved into its chest.

Rumor has it that this symbol

is a British gangland murder tag,

indicating an execution.

As you can see from the police photos,

Mr. Jones does have a gangland scar

on his chest.

Whether this links him to the murder

only time will tell.

Do you really think that Vinnie had something to do

- with these murders? - You know what?

I'm sort of distracting myself from it all.

Huh.

You know, do whatever makes you feel good.

JAY: Hmm.

And then maybe while you're at it

you could fix the roof like you've been promising.

Oh, I have to buy a nail gun, so...

If you go now, you can be back before the party.

- Party? - You forgot about the party.

You know that Kevin doesn't wanna go

to Esteban's by himself.

Snoochie boochies.

Snoochie boochies.

JAY: I am the clit commander.

Jason Mewes continues his unlikely rise

up the Movie Star Rating charts

as he finds himself back in the headlines

after the Vinnie Jones witness was found murdered overnight.

Yes.

BRIAN: I'm not even supposed to be here right now.

Brian O'Halloran has confirmed shooting on The Odyssey

is set to begin at the start of next month,

which means a cast announcement must be imminent

as it seems half of Hollywood wants in

on the likely Oscar contender.

I'm closing in on you, motherfucker.

Carrie, I'm going out to buy a nail gun.

POLICE CHIEF ANDERSON: Chief Anderson.

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: Chief, detective Arnold here.

POLICE CHIEF ANDERSON: What is it, detective?

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: I wanna bring Jason Mewes back in.

You already questioned Mewes and got nothing.

You repeat that process

and what does this department look like to the press?

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: Oh, come on, he's gonna talk.

- I just need him to-- -Drop it, detective.

Do you understand me?

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: Alright, chief, whatever you say.

Sure.

POLICE CHIEF ANDERSON: Hey, babe.

Yes, of course, I'll be home about 8:00

and I have the new handcuffs.

Something just isn't right.

Producers are raving about the daily footage coming

from the Acupuncture Killer set, explaining Jason Mewes

is doing incredible work

and getting arrested was the best thing

that could have happened to his career.

Otherwise, they never would have thought of him for the role.

Tommy, could you tell me

where that Costalino guy worked, again?

Wait, what? What the fuck did I just see?

- Excuse me? - Answer the question.

I'm not your eyeballs, Jason.

What were you just doing?

Skyping a girlfriend.

- What girlfriend is that? - Megan from Europe.

Megan in Europe wanted to see your titties?

What are you talking about?

When I walked through the door,

you were flashing your titties to the camera.

You've been acting fucking crazy.

Is this what I'm gonna have to deal

with every single time you're up for some Hollywood role?

I need the old Jay back.

Silent Bob, too?

Fuck you!

I want the man I fell in love with.

That's weird, 'cause you've been a little distant

from him lately.

Jason, you're being fucking paranoid, okay?

It's me.

You would love for me to believe that, wouldn't you?

Where are you going?

Getting ready for the party.

Hello, hello!

Jason Mewes.

Danny Trejo, I didn't know you'd be here

and what-- what's the--

I'm method acting for a new role now,

just run with it cabron, alright?

Yeah, but, I don't--

I thought you'd be here with your little Carrie.

She took her separate car, she's gonna meet me here, but--

That better not be trouble in paradise, I'm sensing, is it?

No, no, everything's good, I promise.

Are you sure? 'Cause you know you can talk to me.

I know, but I do not get like-- are you su--

Look, I've been wanting to have a little chitty chatty poo

- with you. - A little--

a little chitty chat?

Let's do it. What's up?

DANNY: Well, I've been hearing

about you having trouble with the ball grabber.

The ball grabber?

DANNY: That's what they call him.

And you know, I worry about you, Jason.

- You know that. - JAY: I know.

If that motherfucker fucks with you,

I'll cut his fucking heart out.

Shit, Dan-- I mean I appreciate that.

Thank you.

You know what they call me?

- Machete, right?

You know why?

Uh, because of the movie.

Because I got a big motherfucking machete,

that's why.

A big machete.

Harley Quinn Smith!

Oh, as I live and breathe.

- HARLEY: Danny. - Oh, be still my heart.

Danny, I didn't expect to see you here.

Why does everybody keep saying that?

Can't a little girl have some fun?

Dude, you're here to pick Kevin up?

Yeah, I think he's enjoying my new license more than I am.

Harley, oh my God!

- Hi.

- Can we take a selfie? - Of course.

Alright, I'm gonna go ahead, alright, Harley.

- Bye. - Uh, will you tell dad

that I'm waiting.

I'm too scared to go and I feel like I'll never escape.

No problem, no problem.

Remember, it's not gay as long as the balls

don't touch the chin.

Oh nice! That's gonna be a keeper.

Pleasure. Nice meeting you, man.

Sir!

Where the fuck have you been, dude?

Where the fuck have you been?

Wait, what are you talking about?

Don't fucking act like that.

Like you don't think I was gonna fucking find out, man.

Motherfucker, that shit is written

all over your face, the goddamn guilt.

You didn't think I'd know.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you up in that house sucking dick,

'cause I can see the cum right there.

- None! - Oh, shit!

Hey, you remember when we jerked each other off

in the pool?

That's a great memory.

- Did you get that book? - I did.

I read the book, dude, and it is taking my craft

on a whole another level.

It's awesome. Thank you.

Right on, man. Fuck, you know what, dude?

Fuck all that holy shit.

I was just thinking, Vinnie Jones.

What the fuck, man?

Don't shit in the pool.

Maybe he did have something to do

with that casting director.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm serious, don't shit in the pool.

Brian O'Halloran here? Do you know if he showed up?

Are you serious?

I'm talking about fucking Vinnie Jones,

you're talking about Bri--

Yeah, Brian O'Halloran is fucking here,

I passed him on the way in.

Captain clitoris.

Oh!

I'm gonna go talk to him about that--

Wait, Harley Quinn came here to pick you up.

She's out front. Sorry--

My fucking kid's here.

Why are we sitting here talking?

Let's get the fuck out of here, bitch.

Jay and Silent Bob, it's been a while.

- Hey! - Hey!

Thank you so much for coming to my party.

Our party.

KEVIN: Oh my God, I had a fucking blast.

We've just been sitting here talking,

he was upstairs having misadventures in the house

and shit.

But I'm gonna go.

I got a-- a podcast to record and I gotta light out of here.

I got like nine podcasts.

So I've loved being here.

Thanks for having us.

But-- but we're just getting started.

KEVIN: Sadly, I got my kid sweating in the car like a dog

and I should probably go before she overheats and dies.

- Pleasure! - Thank you.

- Pleasure. - Uh.

Sorry to hear about the break-up, fellows.

Conscious uncoupling.

Jason, what are you doing next Tuesday?

Jason is more my friend than he is yours.

You already got too clingy with Brian

and now he's leaving. Kevin just left.

At this rate, we're not gonna have

any famous people at our party!

Brian's leaving, I gotta catch up with him.

Look what you did?

My famous friends mean the world to me

and you-- you give the world's worst blowjob.

ESTEBAN: Mmhmm.

That's not what your father said.

BRIAN'S DATE: Not even supposed to be here today.

BRIAN: No, no, no, no, it's more like,

"I'm not even supposed to be here today."

See the emphasis is stronger at the start.

I'm not even supposed to be here today.

There you go.

Much better.

You know, I keep all my emotions like right here,

- on the surface. - Hmm.

Stored and ready for action.

Hmm.

It allows me to access whatever my director needs.

Totally amazing.

For example um, pleasure.

Oh yeah, I like pleasure.

That makes two of us.

JAY: Brian, hey, what's up, baby?

- Oh, hey. - How you doing?

Jay, man, how you doing?

JAY: I'm good, man. How are you?

It's been a while.

Uh, how is everything since the arrest

and all that?

JAY: Oh, yes, actually not that bad.

I've gotten some really interesting roles,

because of the press and the publicity.

It's made it like whoa--

Oh, dude, dude, be careful with that press, yo.

You know how it can turn on you, you know that.

Oh yeah, but-- hey, has Kevin spoken to you

about The Odyssey?

You know, I'm confident we could slide you in there.

Just give me a chance to talk to the-- to the studio.

You're serious?

Dude, how long have I known you?

Of course, I'm serious.

Don't worry, Jay, I got your back.

It's so crazy, dude.

People were saying, "Even if you can convince Brian

that you can carry this studio movie,

he's never gonna convince the studio

- to let you play the lead." - Whoa, whoa, I-- I'm sorry.

Dude, you remember we were talking about it on Dogma

so many years ago?

I knew then I was like perfect--

- BRIAN: Shit, Jay, Jay. - For the part, dude.

Shit, Jay, um, I-- I-- I didn't know that you--

Were you thinking I was talking about the lead?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Marcus, sorry dude.

The-- the-- remember the similarities

to me and him--

And how much we are alike.

- Shit, bro, I-- - I am--

I was thinking more of a few lines

li-- like-- like a cameo or something.

What? You don't think I'm capable?

- I'm capable, bro, like-- - No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, um, I gotta run.

Uh, what I'll do is I'll call the studio

and I'll persuade them to bring you in

for an audition or something.

- Yeah, an audition. - BRIAN: Yeah, yeah?

Sure, yeah, yeah, sounds great.

BRIAN: Alright, I'll talk to you again.

- Thanks. - We'll be in touch, alright?

Yeah, thanks, man.

Oh, if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back.

Uh, Jason.

I'm so sorry about Tim.

Frankly, I'm embarrassed.

Oh, we should take a selfie while you're here.

You could tweet it to me.

My handle's @EstebanJovi #blessed#earthtoJason.

Hi, welcome to my party. I'm talking to--

Dude, don't fucking touch me, I'll kill you!

Baby, you were so brave.

I know.

Jason!

Don't forget what I told you, watch out for that ball grabber.

Brian!

Brian!

JAY: Officer Arnold.

It's detective.

JAY: What can I help you with, my friend?

How exactly did you know

the casting director Anthony Costalino?

I didn't.

Uh, I think the first time I heard his name

was when you arrested me.

That's-- that's funny.

That's funny, you know why?

'Cause I called the studio and they told me

that you are in a casting with him that day.

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: Uh.

Um, I uh, well, I must-- must have forgot.

- I get a lot of-- - You must have.

Call m-- a lot of casting calls.

Oh, it's just a big coincidence, right?

Yeah, it must have been, I guess--

But the thing is I don't fucking believe

in coincidences, motherfucker.

And when I get enough evidence on you,

I'm gonna bury you and put you away

for a very long time.

Cool, man, what the fuck?

What the fuck, man?

Sleep well, Mewes.

Your days of a free man are slowly--

Dwindling-- fuck!

JAY: Geena!

Geena!

Hey, Geena, I need to speak to you urgently!

GEENA: Jesus, Mary's cunt!

You scared five years off of me, asshole.

Have you ever thought about smoking

a little marijuana?

It might settle you down a touch.

I need s-- uh, some quick gigs, preferably cash, big earners.

You need lots of money and fast.

How about a fricking knighthood while I'm at it, Sir Jason.

I'm serious, Geena.

What happened to uh, "I only want to do serious shit,

no more Snagins fucking goochy"?

I just might need some quick cash

for something coming up.

Christ, Jason, what?

Hey, do you have that lawyer's number

and can I have it?

You need to calm down.

No, you need to give me a gig, earn that percentage.

- Excuse me.

- Shit!

- Fuck! - GEORGE: Fuck you!

- Shit! - What the fuck is wrong

with you fucking people, man, this is shit.

Trying to get yourself fucking killed?

You trying to get yourself fucking killed?

Give me the code.

GEORGE: No.

What are you doing?

Give me the fucking code.

5-6-3-3-7-5--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Put it in with your fucking tongue.

- My tongue? - Yes!

Okay.

- Are you sure? - Do it!

- Okay. - Now.

It's open.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Is it just straight down?

Yeah, yeah, to the left.

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: Boss, it's detective Arnold.

I need to talk to you.

Chief?

Hello?

Hello?

Breaking and entering mean much to you, detective?

I heard some distress.

I-- It was uh, had justification to uh, investigate.

Maybe I have justification to fire your ass.

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: What are you wearing?

Chief, I need to talk to you.

Is this about Jason Mewes, again?

Snoogans boy?

- He's a cool guy. - Shut the fuck up, lover boy.

You're not that beautiful, you know that?

Baby!

Look into my eyes, detective.

It'll be like transporting yourself

to an everlasting desert of the purest beauty.

So you really think that Jason Mewes plotted

and carried out a murder under the noses of the LAPD?

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: Jason Mewes was--

Vinnie Jones killed that casting director

and ordered the witness murdered.

- That's it. - Bullshit!

Open and shut. You're obsessed, detective.

Leave Mewes the fuck alone or I will prosecute you

for breaking and entering.

Chief, you're not seeing the trees for the wood.

And what are you doing with those eyes

and using them as a-- some sort of weapon?

Stop doing that with your fucking eyes, man!

Oh, it's I'm numb.

I feel very strange.

I'm comfortable with my sexuality

until this very second.

I-- I love you.

Oh. How dare you.

Fuck you!

You beautiful son of a bitch!

Fuck you.

Fuck this.

Fuck! I'll kill that son of a bitch.

Oh, fuck you.

Oh, pick up, you cunt.

Judge Marsh, it's been a while.

I'm afraid not so good, sir.

Yeah, I'm gonna need to call in that Mexico favor.

The system's failed me and justice needs to be served.

I've already told you I didn't send any gangsters

to kill that geezer.

I don't even know any gangsters.

Did I ever tell you I was English?

What?

Yeah, actually I was born in England.

My grandma was from Essex.

I pledge my allegiance to the Queen.

It's a known fact that I might even be related

to the bloodline of Sherlock Holmes himself.

The fictional character?

Did you know that Mewes saw Anthony Costalino

on the day that he was murdered?

He fucking what?

He was in a casting which didn't go too well.

I don't know, I mean um, call me crazy,

but that's sort of a big coincidence

and I thought he failed to mention to any of us.

Don't you?

Yeah.

Are you ready for some good news finally, Mr. Jones?

Go on.

I've talked to the powers

that be a judge that I'm quite good friends with.

We had a weekend in Cabo once,

but that's neither here nor there.

He's decided that we don't have enough evidence to keep you here

and we're gonna let you out on bail.

Behave yourself now and--

Adhere to those bail conditions.

How do they say it in England?

Uh, cheerio.

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ I got ♪

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ I got just one thing to turn away ♪

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ I got ♪

♪ I got ♪

♪ I got ♪

What the fuck?

What the fuck? This is bullshit.

Hello?

Excuse me?

Want more, son?

Let me explain, Vin, come on, dude, bro!

I cannot believe you were gonna let me rot in that cell.

JAY: Look, dude, let me explain, Vin.

What--

Some kind of mate you are, Jay.

Jay is dead.

Things have changed.

Oh, motherfucker.

Really?

Oh, Vinnie, please.

Please, please, buddy!

- Shit, shit.

JAY: Shit, Vinnie, I'm-- It was sh--

It was a misunderstanding, bro!

JAY: Bro!

Snoogans, you muppet!

Vin, you okay?

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ I got ♪

Jay?

Jay, is that you?

Jason?

What the hell?

Honey?

What the fuck are you doing?

Fixing the roof.

In the middle of the night?

What, do you want me to dress up as Jay

and not fix the roof?

Okay, baby, come down.

You're really, really starting to scare me now.

I am Jason.

Jason Mewes!

You can sleep on the couch tonight, Jason fucking Mewes.

ANTHONY: What the fuck?

Yes, Jason.

THE WITNESS: You're trying to kill me.

Hey, what are you doing?

VINNIE: You were gonna let me rot in that cell.

CARRIE: And what happens when Jason is very bad?

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: I'm com--

I'm coming for you, son of a bitch.

I'm--

And...

Action.

♪ Starts another big riot ♪

♪ Zing ♪

♪ So what's the use ♪

♪ Wow, bam ♪

♪ Of falling in love ♪

♪ The sky caves in ♪

♪ The devil cuts loose ♪

♪ You blow, blow, blow ♪

♪ Blow your fuse ♪

Die, Snoogans boy!

- Pow!

JAY: Holy!

♪ When you fall in love ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay ♪

♪ Jason fucking Mewes ♪

♪ Mewes, Mewes ♪

♪ Jason fucking ♪

-♪ Jason ♪ - ♪ Mewes ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Jason Mewes ♪

♪ Jason fucking, fucking, fucking ♪

♪ Mewes ♪

Mr. Jones failed to return to the halfway house last night,

a strict condition of his controversial bail.

Early theories coming out of the LAPD

are that Mr. Jones used his British gangland connections

to smuggle him out of the country.

Attention now turns to the lead detective

in the case as it was Detective Arnold

who supported Jones's bail.

#Bail, #fail, #bailfail.

Wonder what took him so long.

Are you expecting someone?

Don't worry about it.

Hmm.

Little early to be drinking there, officer.

It's detective.

First step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

I know you did it, motherfucker.

You're lucky you're hiding behind that badge

or I might have to bitch slap you, officer.

Think you're tough, huh?

- Not so tough--

Now are you, motherfucker?

You don't think I'll do it.

You don't think I'll pull the fucking trigger.

I'm twice the actor you'll ever be.

I'm English.

I invented fucking acting, you know.

I should have your goddamn career

and you should be in jail getting your asshole licked

by a fat man in a jumpsuit.

It's not the last you've heard of me, Mewes.

Fucker!

DETECTIVE ARNOLD: Son of a bitch.

What the hell was that?

Some guy selling insurance.

I heard yelling.

Uh, it's just insurances.

Right.

NEWS ANCHOR: The LAPD have launched an official manhunt

for British soccer star turned movie star Vinnie Jones.

He is wanted on suspicion

of the murder of Anthony Costalino

and for ordering gang members to put a hit

on the only known-witness to the Costalino murder.

Police have found no trace of Jones

but they have found his rental car abandoned.

Jason, who loves you, baby?

Yo, what's up, Geena?

Geena nailed it.

Autograph shows, some geeky bullshit,

event's sold out.

Tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. sharp.

They'll give you your cut, cash in hand.

Boom. Ooh!

- Sorry, I can't make it. - What?

But-- but you said--

Forget what I said, alright?

And get me a studio casting already.

GEENA: Jason!

I have gotta fuck this guy's brains out.

He is untameable.

Psst!

You always dress like that, bro?

A word to the wise

about your friend Brian O'Halloran.

Seems he's not as good a friend as you thought he was.

Wait, you know about Carrie and Brian?

- What? - You just said--

- I know but Carrie? - Exactly!

- No! - Huh?

Brian tried to fuck you.

Carrie?

- Brian fucked Carrie? - Brian fucked me?

No!

Wait, what?

How did Brian fuck me?

I have it on very good authority that the studio saw

early footage of Acupuncture Killer

and they love you for the Odysseylead,

especially hand-in-hand with Brian's own story,

some publicity-perfect storm kind of deal.

This can't be true.

Brian didn't think that you could handle the role.

He went out of his way to make sure

you did not get the offer.

Dude, I gotta go.

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ I got ♪

BRIAN'S DATE: I never understood how an actress

can be expected to show vulnerabilities,

show her true self, really reveal herself

if she doesn't trust--

Oh, Brian!

Oh my goodness, bro.

Jay, hey, man.

Dude, I can't believe I ran into you.

I was walking around outside and it's whoa!

Isn't that your car, Jay?

No, it's not my car.

Dude, it's got your name on the license plate.

The Odyssey.

Oh, yeah.

Um, Jay, about that--

Brian got me the role, I knew it.

Actually, I called the studio, Jay,

and I fought for you, I really did, man,

but they're going in a different direction.

The Brian I know would say, "Mewes gets the lead part."

Jay, I did everything I could.

It's fucking bullshit, bro.

Oh, we should get going.

Let me give you a little piece of advice, Jason.

Did you ever hear of a hockey player

by the name of Sam Lennox?

Fucking don't do this, please, bro!

Jay, you alright?

Do you need to like call someone or talk it out or--

Or maybe I should--

Or maybe you should stand up for your fucking friend, man,

please.

I'll see around.

Dude, did you know?

What?

That Brian didn't want me in The Odyssey!

Who told you this?

Don't lie to me!

I'm not fucking lying, I'm just asking.

And you know what?

Lately, you're really out of fucking pocket, man,

forgetting the relationship and shit like that.

Oh, that's fucked up, you didn't tell me, alright?

Brian stabbing me in the back is one thing, but you?

Come on!

I didn't fucking stab you in the back, motherfucker.

Like did it ever occur to you

maybe I was looking out for your best interests?

Oh, how exactly?

Fine. You know what?

Fuck.

I love you to death, okay?

You're like my best friend in the world,

but like you are not a leading man.

And Brian's gonna make a movie

the whole fucking world's gonna see.

And if you fail on that stage, man, that's huge.

And it's tough to get out from under that

and it fucking hurts.

When you carry a flop, you turn to fucking shit.

I-- I became a stoner.

Do you ever wonder why?

Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

You start turning to substances, okay?

That's me saying it.

People are still fucking making fun of Tusk,

and fucking Mallrats, and shit like that.

And my big fucking fear is the movie flops

and you're sitting around

wanting to fucking dampen the pain,

then maybe you fucking...

Come on, you can say it, bro.

We don't really wanna do this, dude.

Like let's just-- let me enjoy my joint.

Just say it, bro, come on, fucking say it!

Maybe you start fucking using again, alright?

Maybe you fucking wind up with a goddamn 12-gauge

in your arm.

Maybe I gotta fucking take you to nine more fucking rehabs,

watch you run out of another one,

and fucking I gotta be your goddamn human parachute,

save you from the fucking rock bottom

that you're always trying to drag

both of us fucking down to, man.

I'm sorry, not for nothing,

but I go through that shit again, dude.

I got a kid of my own!

You're fucking great in my movies.

Don't get me wrong.

You're born to play Jay, but fuck, dude,

that's a big fucking job and you're not that actor.

So stop fucking hounding people about it.

Or maybe it doesn't flop, and it fucking skyrockets,

and I'm born to play the fucking Odyssey.

I nail it, my career surpasses yours,

and I'm not in your fucking pocket

- to pull out when you want. - Yeah.

And then you put me in your movie

and my shit kills it, and for the first time ever

in the history of Kevin Smith movies,

the movie makes money!

How about that shit?

Okay, I'm-- like this is so not the fucking time

to even do this.

Like...

I don't know if you noticed,

but I'm about to go to a fucking comedy show!

So you know what, dude,

if that's really the way you feel about shit,

Like fuck off.

Go fuck yourself.

You know what? Go step on that.

Silent Bob wants Jay to go step on that fucking joint.

Ferny, man.

I gotta fire that security idiot.

Kevin and O'Halloran are fucking working together,

- dude, to destroy me. - What?

Dude, they're trying to sabotage my career.

Jason, relax, man.

What's going on?

I messed up, dude.

I read the whole book.

Oh, shit!

I followed it step-by-step

and it cleared my thoughts, dude,

and at first I thought I could handle it,

but then with Kevin and-- and then I-- I feel

like I'm losing my fucking mind, man.

Breathe, Jason.

I'm going crazy.

No, you are evolving.

You're seeing the world from a different plane!

The book does that to you, man.

I've been there.

What-- what do you mean?

Jason, I, too, was an actor,

hugely popular in my home country.

But I was cursed.

Everybody I meet falls hopelessly in love with me.

And believe me, Jason, it is a curse.

So just like you, I decided to change,

beat the curse.

So I came to America to act, to play the bad guy,

the gangster and--

and one day I met with a director late at night,

and he of course, was hopelessly in love with me,

and I had a plan.

Okay.

How do you think I met the chief?

She arrested you?

For the first time in my life I was in love,

deeply in love.

She massaged the charges and made them disappear.

For her, I quit acting and went into hiding

from all who loved me.

And I don't regret it for one second,

because it was time to give up the book,

but only to the right person.

Uh, I can't think straight.

Right, well, Kevin, he betrayed me,

he broke my heart, dude.

And then O'Halloran and Carrie--

Jason, as long as there is Silent Bob,

there will always be Jay.

Anything and anyone in the way of turning Jay into Jason

must be dealt with.

This is why I chose to give you the book.

You are right.

Thanks, man.

Oh, and, Jason!

I have a feeling this might come in useful.

You're a dangerous man, Fernando.

There you are.

I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Not even supposed to be here today.

That's right, motherfucker.

Carried that movie.

Oh, I gotta see this again.

BRIAN: I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Every fucking time, it kills me, man.

CARRIE: You want what?

A blowie.

Not a big deal.

It won't last long.

You can forget about it, you little shit.

Oh, you've already showed me your titties.

For my fiancé.

He wants that comic book so bad he'd probably blow you himself.

Also, it's not the full titty unless you see the nip.

BRIAN: I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Oh, man.

What the fuck?

BRIAN: What is going on?

It's not raining.

Fucking sake.

Stupid mirror.

Jesus!

Jesus?

Who let you in?

Come on.

Come on, Jesus. Look out.

Good boy.

Fuck is going on?

Got you, mother--

Jay?

What are you doing here?

What the fuck, Jay?

Ow!

Oh, man, you son of a--

Okay, okay.

Show me the full titty and we have a deal.

Go back inside and jerk off.

Oh God!

Yeah.

- BRIAN: Oh!

You like the fucking Golden Rocket?

Jay, you can have The Odyssey.

Carrie.

I know about you and Carrie, motherfucker!

What about Carrie?

Carrie?

Jason!

Who the hell is that?

Are you about to murder Brian O'Halloran?

Look, I saw what was on the computer, right?

And I saw you guys hugging at Esteban's.

No.

Jason, you asshole.

I asked Brian to take you seriously

- as an actor at Esteban's. - Yeah.

I told him it would mean the world for you

if you got the role in The Odyssey.

Uh, yeah, man, yeah, The Odyssey.

This is also Brian from next door.

I've been bidding on that fucking comic

as a surprise to you.

I've been bidding on that as well.

You are the other bidder?

And you're that rude little motherfucker.

Sit the fuck down!

You were about to kill Brian for me?

Not exactly, but...

Well, yeah, I guess I was.

Baby.

Carrie.

I love you.

I love you, too.

What are we gonna do about O'Halloran?

Baby, he's a witness now.

The Odyssey's, you're right about it.

I'm not a witness.

I'm not saying anything.

Well, I guess you better finish the job then, angel.

You sure?

No, please.

What's the alternative?

What?

I guess you're right.

- Jason, wait.

What is it?

Say it for me.

Please.

Oh yeah.

Snoogans, motherfucker!

You have been found guilty of murder in the first degree.

JUDGE: Silence in court!

...also starring in such movies as Clerks,

Chasing Amy,and Mallrats has been called back

into the court as the jury has reached a verdict.

A celebrity capable of setting an example.

Instead you chose to act

in a consistently despicable manner,

be it on the screen or over a podcast.

The crux of the case came when DNA evidence

was found at the scene of the crime.

Therefore, this court is left with no choice

but to impose a sentence of life imprisonment.

Do you have anything to say to the court at this time?

Mr. Smith?

I c-- I can't-- I can't believe this is happening.

It wasn't me, man!

- I'm innocent. - That'll do.

It wasn't the fat one, it was the skinny one!

- Silence! - Man!

The remnants of a marijuana cigarette

with traces of Kevin Smith's DNA was found

on the body of Brian O'Halloran.

Silent Bob wants Jay to go step

on that fucking joint.

Some suggest that this murder is the result of reefer madness.

As Kevin Smith was a loud proponent of marijuana smoking,

it brings into question--

Wait. Wait, wait!

Wait, I'm getting breaking news.

Kevin Smith has been found guilty

of the murder of Brian O'Halloran.

NEWS REPORTERS: Kevin! Kevin!

Here he is. Kevin.

Move, bitch!

- Kevin! - NEWS REPORTER 5: Kevin Smith.

- OLIVER: Out of my way, bitch! - KEVIN: It wasn't me.

NEWS REPORTERS:

OLIVER: Kevin! Kevin!

Come on, man, it wasn't me, it was the other guy!

Come on!

It was Jay!

Jay!

I'd like to thank the detectives who worked so hard on this case

to bring us a swift and just verdict.

What's the latest with Vinnie Jones?

NEWS REPORTER 6: Does he link to this case?

The LAPD has an outstanding arrest warrant

for Vincent Jones regarding two separate murders.

However, latest intelligence suggests he's currently hiding

in the United Kingdom amidst his extensive criminal network

within the British underworld.

- NEWS REPORTERS: Jay! - It's Jason!

Jason! Move, bitch.

Jason, how do you feel about the court's decision?

Absolutely mortified.

Do you still believe Kevin was innocent?

Now, I believe you know, Kevin's jealousy

over Brian O'Halloran's career directing,

it's a little funky,

but I can't imagine Kevin doing anything like this.

- Oh, Jason.

Jason, is it also true

that you've been hired onto what would have been

Mr. O'Halloran's big directorial debut?

Well, Brian and I spoke at lengths

about me playing the lead in The Odyssey,

and matter of fact the first time

he showed me the project, it was on the set of Dogma.

So I think I should follow through with it

and who better than Chris Nolan

to fill Brian's remarkable shoes.

I mean it's gonna be great. Great.

Oh, Jason, one last question.

Jason! Jason!

OLIVER: Mr. Arnold!

- Mr. Arnold! - Detective.

Do you not believe your presence here

is a little inappropriate considering what you--

Jason Mewes is a criminal mastermind.

Your obsession with Mewes is alleged

to have dated back to your unsuccessful audition

for a role that Jason was offered.

Noogles to the snoo--

- MAN 1: No, next. - Oh.

That's substantiated and you can't prove that.

You have been disgraced, thrown off the force,

and could face criminal assault charges

after the infamous security video was leaked.

- Now are you, motherfucker?

And yet you stand here today still insisting

that Mewes is a murderer?

If I have to spend every goddamn second

of the rest of my life proving that Jason Mewes is a murderer,

I will.

I'm a descendant of Sherlock Holmes,

motherfucker.

I can solve anything.

You hear that, Mewes?

I'm coming for you, son of a bitch.

You cock-sucking actor, motherfucker.

I'm coming for you!

Nothing will stop me!

Absolutely nothing!

Fucker!

If he's related to Sherlock Holmes,

then I am fucking Ryan Gosling.

And let me tell you now, I am not fucking Go--

ABBIE: We have a brand new number 1 most important movie star

in the world.

That's right, Danny Trejo is on top

as the world's most important movie star.

Piece of shit!

JAY: See for yourself. Why don't you have a sip?

- I will cut your throat, bitch. - Why?

You didn't see me run anyone over.

- I didn't see you. - Wait, what?

I thought maybe it was that

English soccer thug turned actor,

'cause they keep showing him on the news,

but I was blinded by the headlights,

- I didn't see. - Woah!

ZACH: Back here, dude.

Dude, it's me.

Who's me?

ZACH: It's Zach.

What the fuck?

- Zach Galligan? - ZACH: Shhh!

Keep your voice down, man.

I'm gonna be signing shit here for a month.

Zach, didn't you get a call?

ZACH: You know, this kid came up to me...

What?

Get a call. What?

- That's not the line. - I'm sorry, bro.

Uh, we gave this part to Dean Cain.

ZACH: What, you gave it to Cain?

Super bitch?

Dean Cain.

He's not in Gremlins or Gremlins 2.

Zach, I gave you the part as the director.

But I can do two parts.

That's why I did the accent.

Bro, I don't know what to say.

Why don't you go watch your fucking movie?

I need an ambulance.

No shit, 'cause that looks painful.

You killed that guy.

You're looking pretty pale, bro.

Are you kidding me?

What have you got for me in the picture, huh?

It's like it could be like end-title sequence?

Or it could be like a crowd sequence

and it would be like, "Hey, hey, Gremlin dude!"

You know, if I act something like that.

What do you say?

We are fully casted.

You gotta help me out.

I need screen time.

I'm trying to fucking stay in the game.

Alright, listen, I'll talk to my producers Dom and Rob,

see if we can--

Don't pawn me off, bro.

I'm not.

Shut up!

And cut.

Thank you, everyone.

That is a picture wrap.