Original subtitles

No, you did not give my room to some bum while I was at school.

No, it's just unbelievable. Is your nest that empty?

Are you just that pathetic?

Jenny, darling, I've asked you not to speak to me that way!

Oh.

There's people in this world that need our help...

What is that?

We should try to help them as much as we can.

You've got to be fucking kidding me?!

Mom!

I'm really sorry, you can have your room back.

Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no!

Mom, she's using my hairbrush!

Oh my God and now you're naked.

You're naked. Okay.

Mom, she's using my hairbrush.

You know we're going to have to burn everything in that room now, right?

She's probably got lice and herpes and God only knows what else.

God did not put us on this earth to endure suffering.

He put us on this earth, he put us here

to receive salvation from our Lord Jesus Christ!

Because a great distress is coming...

What you doing here, girl

Don't tell me, that spacey rich bitch finally got tired of you?

Claire was sweet.

Her prodigal daughter returned. Jenny.

What did I tell you about using words like prodigal?

Keep talkin' like that and you can take a one way bus

right back to that small town you ran away from.

Shut up.

Damn.

How is it you manage to find all the wealthy do-gooders

this city has to offer

and I meet all the freaks and assholes?

I told you to stop seeing that mother fucker you're always crashing with.

Watch your mouth, girl.

Or you're gonna start scaring society ladies away.

Oh whatever 'cause when we're famous,

we're going to be like them.

Oh that's right, when we have our apartment on the Upper West Side.

Oh and we paint the walls yellow.

And always have purple flowers in the kitchen.

Oh and a welcome mat so our guests know they got a place to be.

But they got to take their shoes off

'cause you know we don't want no dirt in our place.

Amen.

Here.

Just tell me when we have enough for a place.

That's it?

You gotta at least leave me enough to get a loosey.

I thought you were quitting.

I'll quit when we have a place.

Deal.

Yo I'm goin' fishing tonight. You in?

Yeah.

Maybe I'll meet the prince who will sweep me off my feet for once.

Oh girl, you let me know, I'm gonna be your chambermaid.

Oh whatever.

Fuck, Frank's here.

All right, who's your target?

What about him?

Do you see that dude's fingernails?

He is a closet psycho.

What about him?

Are you kidding me? No.

Too old.

Too Mafia.

Too ghetto.

Wait, wait, wait him.

He's perfect.

- Good luck. - Don't need it.

Oh.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Can I just like... oh you're wet.

Just a little, yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm such a klutz.

It's okay. It's okay.

Do you need a drink?

Yes.

Yes, I need a drink.

What are you having?

Um, vodka soda?

Excuse me. Vodka soda please. And two shots.

So, what's your name, now that I've put your hands all over you?

Tom.

Tom?

Hailey.

Hi, Hailey. It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Ah.

Cheers.

Cheers.

So what do you do, Tom?

I am...

funeral director.

You're a funeral director?

That's amazing.

And depressing.

Well, that is why I need a beautiful girl like you to...

help me feel better.

I'm sorry.

Check, please?

Alright, I got it, I got it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Nice catch. - Are you okay?

I'm really sorry. I absolutely was not looking to see if I was going to...

crush a human being

in my quest to make a perfect catch.

Luckily, I'm gonna live.

Um...

Are you gonna be around here for awhile?

I've got my book, a sandwich, and now I have a bruise,

so where am I going to go?

Dude, let's go!

I'm Callie.

David.

Come on.

Go.

Yo, the Frisbee.

Oh, whoa, sorry.

I didn't mean to startle you.

You look big from down here.

Better?

Yeah.

The book is so good, it put you to sleep?

Yes, actually.

Well, we're going to go to Randolph's to get a drink,

you should come with.

No, really, put the guy out of his misery, come on, let's go.

Dude.

Now you owe me a drink, too.

Come on.

All right.

Here.

- Thanks. - Sure.

- Avi, this is Callie. - Nice to meet you, Callie.

That's right.

I remember your name.

Thank you very much.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Okay, I would like to toast our new friend...

No, let's... to you, David. To not tackling women to pick them up.

Uh, to Avi, for maybe someday meeting a real girl

so he doesn't break his hand jerking off all the time.

Ah.

I will say that crashing into me was kind of a good move.

Oh, suck it Avi.

No listen, David's ex was a fake plastic bitch.

Frankly, I'm surprised the man's got any game left at all.

Dude why are you bringing up the ex laundry,

we just met this girl.

It's got to come out sometime.

It's alright, I've had my fair share of shitty exes.

There was this one guy who had an unfortunate fetish

for teal wigs.

So he wanted you to wear a wig?

Yeah, yeah it was weird.

Avi, you're up.

I think we should move on.

Because he doesn't have any stories about women

because he hasn't had one yet.

Oh!

He's no better with shuffle board than he is with a Frisbee.

Hey, no I believe Avi threw that Frisbee,

and I'm the one who made the magnificent catch.

How'd you get so good at this?

I grew up in a tiny town, you get good at weird things.

Well, shit. Your game.

What's my prize?

Hmm...

I play for tacos.

Oh, I know exactly where we're going to go.

Yeah?

Yep, follow me, come on.

Okay.

This is literally the best taco I've ever eaten.

- Yeah? - Mhm.

Taco truck tacos?

Delicious.

Whoa. You don't fuck around, do you?

So where do you live?

Oh...

Um, uh...

Bumblefuck Brooklyn.

It takes me like an hour to get anywhere.

Ugh, I would hate that.

- Yeah? - Mhm.

What are you, one of those Financial District guys

making east of the river less cool?

Is that what you think of me?

Finance? Really?

Alright, alright, I'm sorry.

So not finance but maybe something in commercial?

Graphic design?

Advertising?

Fuck!

Oh shit, I'm right? You work in advertising?

Well close, it's branding actually.

Branding?

Oh well, when the masses aren't buying into a product anymore

they call in the master to make it cool again.

Oh, so you're the reason

that girls spend their money on shit when they can't pay their rent?

Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

Okay.

Well, maybe you can put me in one of your commercials.

You're an actress?

Um, kind of. I want to be.

Oh no, no, no.

See if you're one of my clients I would tell you to say

that you're a serious actress who's working on her craft

and ready to hit it big when opportunity strikes.

Did you just brand me?

Ah, sorry it's a force of habit.

But it sounded pretty good, right?

Hmm... hit it big when the opportunity strikes...

Wait, wait, wait, this isn't because you think I can get you

like an acting job or something right?

I mean I'm not that cool or big or...

Shut up.

I would love to live around here someday.

Yeah?

You know we're famous for the eight dollar cacao bar,

that tastes like chalk.

Sounds dreamy.

So, is this is your train?

What? Did I tire you out already?

We could meet for dinner tomorrow.

- Tomorrow? - Yeah.

I'll text you the plan tomorrow.

Okay.

Wow, what the fuck is that?

- It's my phone. - Please tell me you're not a drug dealer.

Would you care?

Maybe.

I'm just not in to technology.

So if I googled your name I wouldn't find your Instagram account?

No.

But you still text?

I still text.

This is my number.

See you tomorrow.

Hey!

Hey, Eric! It's um, it... Mandy.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

From that bar on the Lower East Side.

So, what's up man?

What are you doing tonight?

Hey Sean, it's um, it's... Kayleigh.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So listen, what's up? What are you doing tonight?

You have plans?

Hi, you've reached Tom, leave a message,

and I'll get right back to you.

Hey, Frank.

What's up man? I'm really sorry...

I know it's late.

We're full. Most people got here hours ago.

Come on, man.

This is for me when I'm here.

You want to stay, you gotta share.

You got a problem with that?

Take off your shirt.

And the bra.

What's your name?

Chrissie.

Yes, yes. Go start breakfast, fine.

Yes, I'll be up in a little bit.

Alright, I'll be there.

You awake?

Yeah.

Here, for your head.

Thanks.

Last night was great.

Yeah, Frank, thank you for the bed.

You know, I know the first gig I got you only pays minimum wage,

but if you'd like to make a couple extra bucks

I can get you a job a few days a week.

It pays better.

Yeah?

Yeah, that could be great actually.

Maybe I'll save enough to get an apartment this month.

What happened to you?

Fuck.

Oh, you didn't.

Where were you?

James made me keep my phone in this cellphone dead box thingy.

Yeah, well why do you let that freak control you?

You don't know what it's like to be a shelter baby.

James had my back.

This one time, some asshole stole the only pair of shoes I had,

and James found him and beat the shit out of him.

I thought he was going to choke him to death

with his necklace he wears.

And then he taught me how to put my shoes in the spokes of my bed

so that no one would ever take them from me again.

I know he gave you those bruises you think you're hiding so well.

You don't know anything about it!

It's better than fucking Frank for a roof.

I didn't fuck him.

Whatever, you let him use you.

He's getting me an extra job.

I used him.

Sure.

Well, I have a date tonight.

What?

Yeah, I met a really nice guy at the park.

You met him yesterday and you left him to come here and fuck Frank?

No, you asshole, he wants to take me out on a real date.

Like flowers, and candles, and shit?

Yeah.

He thought I was a regular girl just like chillin' at the park.

He bought me tacos.

Oh, must be love!

Well, you can't show up tonight looking like that.

You look like you slept in sweaty old ball jizz.

Baby, you okay out there?

Yeah mom, it's okay.

Pssst.

Hey man, comedy show.

Come on, don't be a dick.

Hey, there's a comedy show tonight.

You guys want to come?

Uh sure. Thank you.

Hilarity Hall, don't miss it.

Comedy show?

Comedy show!

Oh.

Hey Mickey.

Oh, hey, hey, hey how'd it go?

It was great.

Hey, excellent.

Yeah? Yeah, I'd love to do it again.

Alright and this is for you.

- Yes, thank you. - All right.

Hey listen, do you think that I could give you my direct number

so we don't have to go through Frank?

Ah, I can't really do that Chrissie.

You know, Frank is in charge of the program.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

But hey you did great.

- We'd be happy to have you back. - Ok.

You know, talk to Frank.

I will. Thanks.

Alright babe.

Who?

James, he wants me to come over.

Listen, if you're worried about a place to crash

fuck it, I'm not going to go on the date.

No! Go!

I don't care, I mean, we both know the two of us together

it's better and it's safer.

I'm good. Go pretend like you have a real life.

How do I look?

Like a real girl.

Voila! The spice has been added.

And the food is almost ready for the lady.

I can't believe you're cooking for me.

Well it's kind of my other move.

Well, you can't just go telling me all your moves.

It worked though, didn't it?

It wasn't bad.

So...

I know that someday you're going to be this big famous actress

and totally forget that you ever met me,

but in the meantime, what do you do to pay your rent?

Well, I kind of do a lot of things.

Oh yeah, like freelancing?

Yeah, yeah.

A little of this, a little of that.

What kind of stuff?

Well, I have a part time job at a bakery,

and today I worked at a comedy club.

I love comedy.

Yeah?

So, tell me a joke.

I didn't say that I was a comedian.

Whatever, tell me one anyway.

Oh, okay!

A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, an Irishman, a blonde, and a black guy

all walk into a bar,

and the bartender says,

"What is this? Some kind of joke?"

That was it?

That was it.

That was terrible.

Yeah, I know, I told you.

I mean you did... but...

Well you're the one who works at the comedy club

so you tell me a joke.

Okay.

Alright, so Little Red Riding Hood

is on the way to bring her granny a big basket full of sweets.

She's skipping through the woods

and on the path, she gets very distracted

by some very beautiful flowers.

So she's picking them and of course,

up behind her jumps the Big Bad Wolf, and he goes,

"Little Red, I'm going to steal all your sweets."

And she very coyly lifts up her skirt, and she goes,

"No, you're not Mr. Wolf.

You're going to eat me. Just like the story says."

Oh, my God!

Wow!

I hope you know you just ruined every little girl's childhood.

Yeah, well life kind of does that anyways,

so I don't feel bad.

James?

Do we have to do this every time?

Shut up.

Jesus.

No one's here.

The government isn't here.

No one gives a fuck about you.

Oh no one gives a fuck about me now?

Besides me. You know I do.

Stop it.

Take your shoes off. Take your shoes off.

Don't forget your phone.

I thought maybe I could keep it out.

- Chrissie is on a date with this guy... - What?

She said she would text me.

I don't even wanna hear that girl's name.

Why are you hanging out with that girl?

Because she's my friend.

No, she's not your friend. She's a fucking tourist.

Cece, she's using you.

Oh my God! No she's not! She needs me, she's clueless.

No! That's fucking bullshit.

Put the phone in the box or go.

Put your phone in there.

- What's so hard to understand?! - Okay, okay.

Fine, fine. Forget it.

What's going on with the windows?

So...

where was childhood ruined for you?

Um, middle of nowhere. Ohio.

Boring. You?

Long Island. Also boring.

Son of Dr. and Mrs. Rosenberg. Last in my Hebrew class,

much to their disappointment.

Oh you couldn't beat me in the disappointing your parents' department.

Ah, sounds intriguing.

I guess if you are interested in converting the world to evangelicalism.

Praise Jesus!

- Seriously? - Yeah.

They moved to Africa actually

to save the unconverted.

Whoa, you're kidding?

Nuh-huh. So sorry if I don't introduce you to mom anytime soon.

Ah, parents love me.

Well, 'cause you're charming.

But mine aren't.

Um...

but hey, why don't you tell me more about the branding world?

It's pretty great actually.

I'm working on this new spot

for this local whiskey called "Moon Drill" that's made Upstate;

I'm heading up there pretty soon to present the idea

and get a green light.

That's awesome.

Yeah, yeah I mean it's really great

going into work and loving what you do.

I feel really lucky.

I'd settle for making money, fuck happiness.

You mean, there isn't anything you want to do

that could make you money and also make you happy?

Doesn't mean I don't believe in being happy.

I'm happy now.

Did you bring it?

I thought maybe we could

just have a quiet night, you know?

Stop it. Can I have my stuff?

Just hold off for a bit.

It's in the bag, just hold off, come on.

Are you fucking retarded?!

You can't hear anything? What?

No! What?

What happened to your face?

I put on some makeup.

That's what that is?

What's wrong?

Okay.

Come on get up. Come on, let's go paint. Let's paint.

We're going to paint!

Get in there! I need you to painting.

Okay, come on go.

Get up. Thank you.

Okay, you just take some of this

and get right there and you paint the window...

the glass! the glass!

Yeah, good, good.

Move over.

One more.

Get in there. Get in there.

Yeah lick it, lick it.

This place is amazing. I would kill for something like this.

Yeah? I'm thinking about moving out, getting a one bedroom.

I mean I love Avi,

but just never have my own space.

This is huge though.

Yeah, but never lived on my own,

Can't beat the privacy,

just me... a pretty girl...

Hey, do you play, the keyboard?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I dabble, mainly just write jingles for my commercials.

I used to play.

- Yeah? - Mhm.

Play something.

No, my mom always was like,

"You got no talent for that devil music, girl."

You're like really honest for a first date.

Is that bad?

No! I mean, it's refreshing.

Weird but refreshing.

You should play something, get back on the horse.

I think the horse is dead by now.

Play for me. Your audience awaits.

Okay, but I only remember how to play one thing

and you're going to laugh.

So you're a Disney girl?

Yeah.

Oh, you liked that?

Yeah, I liked that.

Hey...

I'm ordering Chinese food, do you want something?

Um, fried rice.

Chicken or vegetable?

Vegetable.

What?

Nothing.

There's just something about watching you

do the same thing every night,

it...

it makes the chaos go away.

So my glasses make everything balanced?

Mhm, you have very smart glasses.

Let's watch Game of Thrones.

I haven't seen it.

Are you kidding me?!

No.

Are you kidding me?

No, I've never seen it.

Okay, alright, we are watching the pilot

right now.

Prepare to have your mind blown, okay?

I'm prepared.

Blow my mind.

What do you need?

Oh, I was just looking for a Ziploc. For the sandwich...

It's like nine in the morning.

Yeah for later.

Oh don't you have like...

a lunch break or whatever?

Look man, I didn't mean to steal your food or anything,

I just saw some stuff in the fridge

and I thought, you know, Monday's suck.

Yeah.

Here.

Thanks.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm going to get out of here, okay.

Wait for me, I'll get dressed, and I'll come with you.

No, I want to get out of the way,

but see you tonight?

Can we make it tomorrow night actually?

I'm working late tonight.

What?

Nothing, see you tomorrow.

Ah, David, see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow, ah.

Shut up.

Question, did you ever make a sandwich after spending the night

at a girl's place to take with you for later?

I don't know, but I clogged a girl's toilet once accidentally.

I didn't tell her.

That is so sweet.

Yeah.

Dude, she's not like a one night stand.

Yeah, I know, I mean she's been here for days.

I'm just saying maybe you could eat her roommates' food,

or annoy someone else with the loud sex.

She's seems kind of wild.

She's not your typical blonde uptight type, you know?

Yeah, but I got burned with Jessica.

Maybe she's just the kind of girl I need.

All right, all right, cheers to that.

I support you.

Thank you.

You don't look good.

Fuck! Yes! Tampons.

Maybe this month I don't have to shove Starbucks napkins up my snatch.

What the fuck! I don't shoot!

Okay.

What you so bougie now that you got a boyfriend

you going to get all judge-y?

No, I just didn't hear from you for a few days,

and I was worried.

Tricking someone into falling in love with you

doesn't make you better than anyone else here.

Did you tell him you're a little homeless girl, fucking him for a warm bed?

It's not like that!

No, that's how it's been before.

Yeah, well this is different.

Cece, look what I got.

Those are some dope kicks .

Mom got them from the Salvation Army.

Did anyone teach you how to take care of them?

Nah, I'll just wear them forever.

I'm going to tell you what I was lucky to have somebody tell me.

If you are sleeping in the city shelter,

put the posts of your bed inside the holes of your shoes,

so no one yanks them from you. Okay?

Okay.

Tell your mom what I said.

I'll beat anyone who tries to mess with my shoes.

You're like a tourist in this world, Chrissie.

You just don't get it.

Yeah, well maybe I didn't grow up in a shelter like you did,

but I'm here right now

so don't I deserve just like one minute

of pretending my life doesn't suck?

I mean, don't you deserve that?

That's a cute bra.

You want my bra too?

Please?

Ugh, fine.

You've got the smallest tits in the world.

Fuck off.

We can't all be like you.

What else can I steal from you?

What's this?

It's David's.

What?

I was just being bitchy before,

but you know you can't get too attached, right?

This guy is not your happily ever after.

How do you know?

Guys like him will never stay once he finds out who you are.

Well who says he has to find out?

We are so close to getting our apartment, Chrissie.

Just focus on that.

Don't let some dumb idea of love distract you.

Well, what if I tell him the truth,

and he finds out, and it's just fine?

People are people, Chrissie.

They don't go around in rose-colored glasses.

If he passed you begging on the street,

he wouldn't look twice.

Yeah, yeah I know.

I just...

I just really want it to last a little longer.

Hey Frank.

Chrissie.

I was hoping you'd call your friend

at the comedy club, I want to work.

Sure, no problem.

Thanks.

I'm really trying to turn it around, you know,

any dollar helps.

Sure.

Why don't you close the door.

No problem, thanks.

Chrissie?

Yeah?

I meant with you inside.

Listen, do you think we could skip it?

I kind of met someone,

and I don't know what it is yet

like maybe it's nothing,

but I'm kind of hoping it's something

and I just feel like this would fuck it up, you know?

Sure Chrissie, whatever you want.

Thanks Frank.

That doesn't look like Moon Drill Whiskey.

Hey, Lysi.

Who may I ask is... Callie?

Don't tell me you met someone?

I don't know yet. Maybe.

Too bad, I thought after last weekend you'd call.

I mean, I've been busy

writing the copy for Moon Drill.

Oh sure yeah, seems like you've been really busy.

Well hey, writer's block is a bitch.

Get it together.

I'm really looking forward to heading Upstate with you,

getting drunk on whiskey, dancing the night away.

Booking a new client that'll make us a fuck ton of money.

Yeah, money I could use.

Speaking of which, you're coming to my show,

closing night is tomorrow.

Oh shit, yes of course I'll be there.

Good and bring your Callie.

Yeah?

I'll leave tickets at the box office.

Okay. Thank you.

Free comedy show?

It's awesome, come, free comedy show.

There you go.

Free comedy show. Check it out.

Check it out. Free comedy show down the street!

Hey, are you just finishing up a shift?

I can take over.

No, I'm just working right now.

Can you please go?

Free comedy show!

Hey listen, Frank actually gave this job to me,

and we talked about it this morning.

Oh shit, wait you're Chrissie, right?

Yeah.

Oh girl, Frank told me to say he's really sorry,

but he gave the fucking job to me, alright.

Now get the fuck out of here.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- I am not fucking kidding you. - Give me those fliers!

- Bitch, it's my job!... - It's my job!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

What's going on?

You're supposed to be bringing business

not scaring people away.

Hey, Mickey she just said that she's taking this job,

and that...

Free comedy show.

Frank told her to come today.

Yeah, well Frank called and said Laura was showing up today.

Do you know why?

Look, Frank told me you showed up wasted at the shelter,

and I shouldn't trust you anymore.

Are you serious? He said that?

Listen, you did a great job when you were here

so why don't you just talk to Frank.

- Yeah. - Figure it out.

Yeah, I'll talk to Frank, I'll figure it out, thanks.

Fuck!

Yeah, you should've.

There you go, thanks.

How are you?

Shit.

I'm sorry. I think I left my wallet at home.

I'm sorry.

It's okay sweetie, I got it.

I feel terrible, I'm so sorry. Thanks ma'am.

Wow, I just have to say this place is so great.

Oh my God, it's just like... look at the neighborhood.

Spare, spare some change.

And we are on a high floor

so as you can see we get tons of natural light.

It's gorgeous in the mornings

and this area is actually great for kids.

There's a park just down the street

and the schools in this neighborhood are some of the best.

So if you're thinking of starting a family

it could be a really great apartment for you guys.

And there's lots of amenities in the building.

There's actually a washer and dryer just down a floor,

so that's very convenient

but this place will probably be gone by the end of the day, so...

We're very interested.

Great! All you need to move in is three month's rent.

That's $10,200.00. And tax returns from the last three years

showing that you make 80 times the monthly rent.

And if you are interested

do be sure to apply quickly.

We hope to hear from you.

Thank you.

- Have a great day. - Thank you.

Hello, how are you?

Would you mind just signing in on this sheet for me here?

- Sure. - That'd be great, thank you.

As you can see this is a beautifully renovated apartment.

All new stainless steel appliances,

great hardwood floors, the neighborhood is awesome,

lots of bars and restaurants.

This is for you. If you are interested do let us know quickly,

'cause this place is going to fly off the market.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Hera!

Goddess of Women

We did it!

I couldn't have done it without you.

I was wondering? Hoping!

That if the peace treaty was signed

you would let me see him again.

Peace won't last

will it?

I will see you again, sweet Goddess.

There she is.

Oh.

Hey, you were incredible.

Oh thank you.

- David. - Fen.

Nice to meet you, Fen.

It only took you until closing night to get here.

Well I had to find a date.

Callie, this is Lysi, my partner at the firm.

I'm boring by day, but fabulous by night.

You were amazing.

I mean, like out of control.

Seriously just congratulations.

I would love to pick your brain about acting...

Thank you.

She's charming.

So tell me, really, what did you think about the show?

Well, I mean leave it to you to create a geopolitical think-piece

complete with full frontal nudity and dick jokes.

David, darling the dick jokes are just to get the people in the house.

I thought it was the boobs.

I meant what did you think about the piece

as it relates to the world today?

Israel, Palestine. Russian, Ukraine.

America, and the entire fucking Middle East.

You definitely got your point across.

I mean, war is one of the only constants in history.

And what can we as artists in a time of war actually do

at a time of international and domestic crisis

when we ourselves are the worst stereotypes?

We revolt. We revolutionize.

We embrace peace, and understanding,

and sex and bring it to as many people that will buy a ticket.

Short of storming Washington that's the most we can do.

I liked your friends.

Yeah?

You got a little quiet there at the end of it.

I just don't think that geo-politics is exactly my thing.

You know what? Forget about that.

I'm just glad that you met them.

Do you want to see that bra that I promised you?

Okay.

You like?

I like you.

Miss Rose isn't looking so good.

I'm not gonna comment on you naming that plant.

Dude, it's all about being sustainable,

you know, growing your own herbs;

and if I name her, she won't die.

Pretty sure that's not how that works.

I have an idea.

Okay.

This is Mr. Snufflegus.

Okay and I think we can put Mr. Snufflegus right here with Miss Rose,

and he'll watch over her,

and she won't die.

You guys are fucking weird.

I always wanted a lot of the plants and wildlife in my apartment, so...

Thank you.

I'm going to pee.

Now she's redecorating?

Dude, chill. All right?

I'm gonna run to the deli, and grab some snacks. You want something?

Yeah, the jalapeño chips.

What?

That ain't right.

The fuck?

James! Help me with these fucking locks!

What are you doing? Where are you going?

I got to go!

What do you mean you got to go?

Out! I got to go out.

Why? You said you'd help me roll the coins.

You gotta stay.

And I will later, I promise.

But I have to go out and make money.

No, it's dangerous out there.

I really don't think you should go.

You got to stay right now. You got to help me...

Please don't get crazy on me.

Oh crazy, right?

That's what I'm getting on you?

I'm getting crazy?!

James is crazy. That's what you always say, right?

James is crazy! Crazy!

You know what's fucking crazy out there?

You wanna go?

- James, if we use everything I have, - I don't care, go. Go.

I have to go get more.

I'll come back!

No, don't come back. I'll see you in hell.

Hmmm.

It's like one of those bags from Harry Potter.

What?

Yeah, like there's this character that has this magical bag

that's actually really small but she pulls out things

that would never fit in it.

Just a shirt.

Yeah, yeah I know.

But like...

You think you'd be carrying your whole life in that thing

the way you carry it around.

Oh.

Okay.

Why not.

That makes no sense.

Lizzie! Come here!

Um, so...

I have something for you.

I wanted to make you something

because you totally inspired the idea for my whiskey commercial,

and I'm going to kill it now thanks to you.

You gotta open it.

It's beautiful.

Yeah? Do you like it?

You totally saved me today.

This is amazing. I can't wait to see the commercial.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, let's go to bed.

Do you have to go?

Well, I'm pretty pumped actually.

Because Moon Drill is going to buy my commercial,

and then I'm going to move into this really fancy studio apartment

on the water and I just... oh my God, I love my life.

Oh.

That's what that was all about? Okay.

No, you're not going to go.

No.

Okay, okay come on I really... I actually, I really have to go.

Okay, well I'm going to make you breakfast first

because you haven't lived until you've tried my eggs, okay?

Yeah?

Yeah.

I love that you're cooking for me.

Yeah?

How much do you like it?

A lot.

Guys, it's early. Can we confine the PDA to our respective bedrooms?

Hey Avi.

There better be some breakfast left for me.

And I hope you washed your hands

'cause I don't wany any jizz eggs.

Says you.

- Thank you. - Yup.

These are you jizz eggs.

They are the house specialty today.

Mmmmmm.

Ketchup?

No, I don't need any ketchup.

What's wrong with you?

My bad.

Who doesn't put ketchup on their eggs?

These are perfection. Perfection.

Thank you.

They could still use some ketchup though.

Listen, if you want to keep some perfection,

I could stay and hang around with you this weekend,

cook some more.

Sorry Callie, I've got kind of like a big date this weekend

and David promised I'd have the place to myself.

Am I right? Am I right?

Yeah, yeah, I did. I did.

Besides, doesn't your roommate miss you?

She's super busy. I don't know.

Well, one of these days I'm going to have to go over and force a meeting.

I told you, my place isn't that nice.

I don't care about that. As long as you're there.

I think I'm gonna grab a shower before we go, okay?

Okay.

What?

Seriously?

I mean, she hasn't left our place since you two met,

and now she wants to stay while you're out of town.

What is that? What's with her?

Don't be jealous that I'm getting laid every single night for two weeks.

I can't believe you just went there.

I mean, there was nowhere else to go.

Don't you think it's kind of weird

you haven't seen her place

or met any of her friends

and she practically moved in here?

No dude, she didn't move in.

Really, dude?

She left a toothbrush here,

she left an elephant.

Okay, well I'm going to go see her place when I get back.

Happy?

Whatever man, I'm just saying

don't get stuck with a clinger, you know?

Two weeks is a long time

to shack up with some chick you just met.

Well I'm going to be on a business trip this weekend,

and I won't see her there.

Is that hot actress you work with going to be there? Lysi?

Yes. Lizzie is going to be there.

David.

Go after Lizzie.

We're just like friends.

Besides she's way over the top.

And I think I really like this girl.

So I'll see you on Sunday.

Yep, Sunday.

Yeah I'll just come over to your place after I get back?

My place?

I mean, what happened to your aversion

to going more than three stops into Brooklyn?

For you, I'll get over it.

Yeah, but I mean you don't have to.

I don't mind coming to yours. Mine's always a wreck.

Are you hiding something?

What kind of a question is that?

Nothing. I mean...

I don't even know any of your friends.

Yeah, well why would you know my friends?

You don't know me that well.

You're not my fucking boyfriend.

Well...

What if I want to be?

You do?

Yeah. I do.

I do.

So I want to meet your friends,

and I want to see your place when I get back.

Okay.

Okay.

She disappears and then wants love.

He wants to see my place.

I told you so.

You don't have very many options here.

You either have to tell him you've been lying to him the whole time

or you got to ditch out.

He made me this graphic design of my name

except it was the wrong name.

It was so fucking sad.

Yeah. Only the biggest parts of your life remain a mystery to him.

Look, we're going to get our apartment.

Maybe not today, but it's going to happen.

And when it does, you can think about dating a guy like David.

Yeah.

Thank you!

- Hey John. - Hey.

- Pass it off? - Yeah.

Nice doing business with you.

How much do we have?

With what you just gave me...

almost enough for one month's rent

not including a security deposit.

Yes!

Girl, keep that in the front of your mind.

I can't keep the lie going that long.

Oh bitch please, this is getting boring.

Now, clean yourself up,

and find a nice guy to spend the night with tonight.

Preferably one you won't get attached to.

I love you.

Love you.

A handsome model in a tux

is running through the rain looking for her

the beautiful one that he's lost.

He's in the middle of Times Square.

He can't find her.

He stops running.

He takes the Moon Drill whiskey out of his breast pocket

Boom! Thunder claps! The music swells.

He unscrews the cap.

Everything freezes.

He sees her across the square.

Her eyes sear into his.

He strides over to her, takes a sip of the whiskey,

the clouds part, the sun shines,

he dips her into a passionate kiss.

He holds the whiskey up,

Moon Drill Whiskey.

"One sip makes the chaos go away."

Good work David. We are so getting drunk tonight.

It's something Callie said to me.

I get it. You have a girlfriend.

Let's do karaoke.

Hey, what's going on? You guys go to NYU, right?

You should definitely come check out this party tonight.

It's gonna be awesome.

Free shots if you say my name at the door.

Hey, what's going on guys?

You guys go to NYU, right?

Check out this party tonight. Say my name at the door, all right?

You guys go to NYU?

You should definitely check out that party tonight.

It's going to be awesome.

Hey, start of school party tonight.

Open bar with your ID.

You should come.

It's going to be great. You know, big back to school mixer.

Thanks. I think I will.

Yeah, yeah! I'm Alex, by the way.

Jessie.

Jessie. It's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too. - I hope to see you there.

Yep, see you later.

All right.

Donna, Kelsey, I'm glad you guys made it.

Good to see you...

Alex!

Hey! Jessie, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm glad you made it, come on baby let's go inside.

I'm sorry you have to have ID.

Listen, I actually think I forgot it at the dorm.

You're not going to make me go all the way back are you?

Just bring your ID, and I'll be happy to let you in.

Hey... Come on.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You can tell I'm a student.

Miss, a lot of people look like students.

For all I know, you're a serial killer stalker.

Now either come back with your ID,

or leave and stop blocking the door.

Whoa, everybody just calm down, all right?

We can just walk back to your dorm.

It's only a couple blocks, right?

Yeah, well that's not the point.

And this party is going to be fucking lame,

so let's go.

Actually, I got a lot of friends in here,

so I'm not going to blow this party off.

You can go back and get your ID,

or don't.

It's whatever.

Well, what are you looking at?

I mean, fuck you.

God...

Ah yes, alone at last.

Oh yeah, you pretty little whore

Gag on it.

No, fucking way.

Oh my God.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm sorry. Here, come on.

Don't, don't, don't.

Do you have any idea how expensive this shirt is?

I'm sorry, I'm a klutz.

Get the fuck off of me. I don't want you to clean me.

Hey, hey, hey take it easy.

Who the fuck are you?

Is this your girlfriend?

I'm just trying to have a good time.

Get her the fuck out here.

Can I get some club soda please?

Thank you.

Fuck you. Get the fuck out of here.

Thank you.

That guy was a dick.

Right?

Can I get you something to drink?

Vodka soda?

I told you, you were putting it in the wrong way.

Okay, you open this, and I'll be right back.

Fuck yeah. You pretty little whore. Fuck.

Gag on it.

Yes, fucking bitch.

Oh fuck.

Fuck.

Dude, what the fuck?

She even told us about the wig thing the first day

Do you remember that?

Talk about leaving out part of the story!

I knew something didn't add up about this chick.

She's barely left the house for two weeks,

you pay for everything,

and now she's in porn?

I gotta tell you, I went through her bag,

and I found wads of cash

and this weird notebook with names, and locations, and stuff...

You went through her bag?

Well yeah, I just felt like things didn't add up.

But that's not the point;

you haven't seen her friends,

you haven't seen her place.

She could be a hooker.

Or a porn star hooker.

I'm dating a porn star?

Come on, you got to scrub it here.

Get it clean.

It's clean!

No it's not clean. Put some elbow grease into it...

Ow, you're hurting me. Stop it!

What's wrong? Don't you see the grime in there?

Just do it like this. Clean. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?

No, I'm fine.

I'm sorry.

Are you free right now?

Can I take you to get a late night snack or something like that?

I know this great cafe, it's just right down the block.

Yeah, would be great. I'm starving actually.

I want to go to the bathroom first though, okay?

Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing?

I thought we had this good vibe going,

so you know, why wait until later?

Come on, let's just go get some food...

You know, have a drink.

Oh, no, no, I'm done drinking.

Hey! Hey wait!

Hey, listen didn't you say would go back to your place?

We're done here, all right?

Just take a taxi.

No, no, no come on.

You must be starving.

I make really good eggs.

What are you doing?

I said we're fucking done. All right?

She comes in here

walks around, makes it dirty.

There's nobody here, but you and me. Shhh...

No! Don't suffocate me!

It's gonna be okay...

Stop it! Don't.

I'm back.

Ready for a glass of Hudson Valley's finest?

No, no. This is my cardboard. You can't have it.

This is my cardboard. You go and you find your own cardboard.

Shhh!

Fuck!

It's okay. I told her she could come.

Oh, it's okay?

It's okay?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Oh my God, don't hit her!

Babe!

Babe, it's okay, alright?

She's only going to be here for a little while.

Nothing to get too excited over.

Why don't you just lay down?

Come on. Come on.

Fuck.

You don't like me very much, do you?

I don't like being here.

Hey, guess what? The feeling is mutual.

I don't like you being here.

If I had anywhere else to go,

trust me I wouldn't be.

Awwww.

Poor Chrissie doesn't have anywhere to go.

Well, I didn't used to have somewhere to go either.

How did someone like you manage to get a place anyway?

Don't worry about it. I did.

Whatever.

Someday I'm gonna get lucky.

Oh yeah?

Hold on a sec, where you going?

You're gonna get lucky?

You have to make your own luck.

Yeah. This is New York City.

Do you know how many opportunities

there are for young good looking people like yourself?

No, I don't want to hear it.

And I know the kind of shit you and Cece do on the street.

And let me tell you something, Chrissie,

if that is your real name...

you don't have to do anything you don't want to do

to get a place to sleep for the night.

You're a tourist.

I don't know why you're running around with Cece for.

Okay, so I'm not going to let you in my house anymore

I'm not going to open the door for you.

Okay, you fucked up

because you're not taking care

of what you need to be taking care of.

Okay?

Now get me my box will you please?

Whatever.

Unbelievable.

Here.

Thank you.

My name's not Chrissie.

Do you want to know what it is?

I would love to know.

It's Katie. Katie Jo.

Stupid name.

No it's a good name.

Katie Jo.

Katie Jo. That's a good name. Katie Jo.

Katie Jo.

Wait. Wait...

Shhhhh. Shhhh. Shhh.

Chrissie?

Chrissie?!

What?

I don't think he's breathing.

I think he might have OD'd in the middle of the night.

Shit.

What are we gonna do?

I'm so sorry, okay.

I'm so sorry.

You said that he's got no other family?

Nope.

They're all dead.

Cece, if we call the police right now

who do you think they're gonna to blame?

The little homeless girls who were here when it happened.

Then they're gonna take this place

and they're gonna turn it over to the city.

Cece, we could lose this place.

What?

I know he meant something to you, okay?

I know.

But look around you.

This place is our fucking dream.

We can do something with this.

I mean, we can make this work.

Hey.

Hey.

You didn't have to meet me.

I could have found it, you know.

I wanted to though.

- Come on. - Oh, all right.

Come on!

Come on!

Slow down, slow down, I'm tired.

We can chill when we get there. Come on.

What?

I don't know.

You're being weird.

I don't know, Callie.

David, you're freaking me out...

Do you do porn?

Excuse me?

Avi sent me this video

and don't try to tell me it's not you

because it is you in this like...

trashy teal wig

which you totally mentioned was a thing with your ex...

So I don't know that fits into it but...

it's you, and you're like getting...

crazy fucked.

And then Avi also said he found this whole wad of cash in your bag

and that he thinks that you're like...

a hooker or something.

I want to be cool with that I really do, but...

So I'm just a trashy porn star prostitute hooker?

That's what's wrong with you.

No, Callie. Callie!

No, you know what? It is me in that video David

and fuck you, I can't believe that you would be a on a site like that!

Wait, What?!

No, Stop! Callie, stop!

It's revenge porn, David.

It only ruined my whole fucking life okay?

I was a teenager

I had this older boyfriend, and he made me do all kinds of shit

that you wouldn't even want to know about!

I didn't know that.

Yeah 'cause you didn't fucking ask.

Well, look I wasn't watching it, ok?

Do you know what my parents said when they found out?

They said that I'm unsaveable.

I can't believe that you would think I'm a hooker.

I thought we had something.

We do! We do. I just let Avi get to me.

And that perv actually went through my bag?

I make cash under the table at the comedy club.

Can we please start over?

Please, just forget about it, okay?

Please, I am an idiot, okay?

I promise I'll make this up to you.

Wow.

Yeah.

So...

This is your place?

It is.

Oh, this is my roommate Cece.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

I've heard a lot about you.

Yeah, nice to meet you too.

I don't mean to be a pain

but do you mind taking off your shoes?

Oh, no worries.

Outside dirt, you know.

Yeah, of course, of course.

This place is great.

You think?

Yeah.

I can't believe you kept it a secret.

Well it wasn't all my fault I mean...

you didn't want to come this far into Brooklyn.

Listen guys, I'm on my way out to meet a friend

but you guys have fun, and I'll see you later for the fireworks?

Okay bye.

Hey!

I brought you a present.

Cool.

It's more than cool. It'll protect you.

How?

You'll find out.

Now, go play.

Sorry we don't have a TV yet.

We just moved in so still kind of getting settled.

No worries. That shit takes time.

So tell me about your weekend.

It was pretty sweet actually.

I think I may have a new client.

Yeah?

Fuck yeah!

Yeah.

Does the new official brand maker from Moon Drill Whiskey want a back rub?

- Ah yeah. - Yeah.

You're the best.

What about you? How was your weekend?

Um...

It was fine.

Nothing exciting.

Happy Fourth! Woo!

U-S-A! U-S-A!

U-S-A!

Hey, I'm going to go grab some drinks.

You guys want anything other than beer?

Vodka.

Vodka, you got it. All right.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

Happy Fourth.

To our independence?

Fuck off bitch. To the here and now.

All right, are you ready for this?

Oh, I'm ready.

So, a leprechaun walks into a bar...

Oh no, that's gonna be bad.

No, no it's going to be amazing, okay.

- Okay. - So...

I think you should stop there.

This is happening. It is happening.

Okay.

The leprechaun walks into a bar

and asks for a drink.

Bartender says, "Okay, that'll be $2.50."

So leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away.

The bartender goes

"Hey, wait! You're a little short."

You are so lucky that I love you.

I know.

Chrissie?

Chrissie!

Cece, told me you got an apartment.

That's so cool! Maybe I can come over some time.

We all miss you at the shelter.

Tell Cece I'm wearing the protection necklace she gave me

and I keep putting my shoes under the bed like she told me to.