Original subtitles

- Previously on Impress Me.

- Jim is currently sleeping on our couch,

and it turns out that the understudy that I hired

is also allowed to live here, rent free.

- As you know, I've been incarcerated against my will.

- Piat is now a free man.

- Piat's like, he's like the king of the internet right now.

- I'm directing this movie,

it's got Kate Winslet, Academy Award Winner,

but there is this part here,

the character actually does a couple of voices.

- Ah, it's a great turnout this year.

- Wonderful event with people.

- People.

It could be said that without people,

arguably, there would be no population.

- Hey, wow, slow down.

- I know it's a big idea.

- No, seriously, stop.

Cramping.

- Oh.

- Gas.

- Take it easy, saunter.

- Oh yeah, for years we've participated

in the Walken Walkathon,

it's a creative fundraiser for local retirement home.

It' your standard 5K, with the one requirement

that everyone must walk and talk like Christopher Walken,

the entire time. - The whole time.

- The whole time, you can't stop.

- The great thing about this event,

is that a bad impression is more fun than a good one.

- I know, I walked in.

- I had to stop what I said, so stop, stop.

- Christopher Walken's one of those impressions that

even non-impression guys just love to do.

Like Arnold Schwarzenegger,

or Sean Connery, which everybody does.

Of course, of course, of course.

So it's a fun way for our impression friends,

and non-impression friends to get together,

have a few laughs, and raise money for a good cause.

- Step one, you pick a celebrity.

Step two, you say what you wanna record.

And then step three, you hit play.

- Do you mind if I try?

- Please.

- Awesome.

Oh wow, you guys have a lot of great

celebrities on here already.

- Right, we do.

Well, we have about 15 on the beta version of the app,

but I wanna get more, obviously.

- All righty well, I guess I'll be John Malkovich.

- 'Kay.

- Garry Lyons is the greatest manager in the universe.

- Garry Lyons is the greatest manager in the universe.

- Right? - Wow.

- That's incredible.

- This is my tenth year, it's my first,

usually out of town, this year, oh no!

- You know, I've been walkin' here every year

since I was a kid, and my Walken is still no good.

- Who cares, it's for fun.

Don't have to talk for the entire time.

It's true, you have to be walkin',

but you don't have to be talkin',

but if you're walkin' and talkin',

then you better be talkin' like Walken.

Wait a minute, who is that?

- Who?

- The blonde right there,

I feel like I know her from somewhere.

- I told you, it was gonna be hot.

What you need is, fanny pack.

Fanny pack will be great, fulfill all your needs.

- No.

I don't want no fanny pack.

- Oh oh, that's Beth Riesgraf, from Leverage

and a bunch of other stuff.

Fantastic actress.

- She's amazing.

You know, maybe she'd be a good person to talk to

about investing in my film.

- Jim.

This is a charity event.

- So did you hear back about the Star Wars thing yet?

- Not yet, but the callback was phenomenal.

- You know what?

I'm gonna talk to her.

- Jim, she's in character.

- She's in character, I'm in character.

I'm gonna talk to her in character.

- I think it's a bad idea.

- I wanted to create something that allowed

the average person to sound like a celebrity.

- If Garry wanted to be an actor, well,

he'd be my role model.

- See?

I mean, impressions are fun,

and I feel like this could capitalize on that.

- Oh, absolutely.

Like, big time.

I'm in, just what do I need to do to help?

- I need more impressionists.

- This water was made for you.

- Hello, Mr. Walken.

- Mr. Walken.

- Call me Chris, it's faster.

- You got it, Chris.

- I go by Christopher, it's a great name.

All sorts of sounds.

- Christopher is three sounds, it's nice.

- After listening to you guys,

I think I need a Chris Walken or Christopher Walken.

- But we're all walkin'.

- And we're all Walken.

- Walken?

I'm big on charity.

Are you guys?

- Yeah, charity, I'm a huge fan of charity,

what about you, Christopher?

- Oh, absolutely.

Charity.

- Wow, I host a phone-a-thon charity event every year.

Celebrities come down, they answer the phone calls.

If you're in, you guys could come down,

we cohost the event.

- Cohost?

Cohost?

That would be a dream, wow.

- Great, you've got a card?

- Actually do.

- I'll be in touch!

- Great.

Good talk.

- Wow, I'm walkin' here.

- Nice.

Wow.

- Wow.

Huh.

- Wow.

- Wow.

Wow.

- Ah.

- Wow.

- I mean, this is just a win-win for us.

'Cause we get to meet all these influential Hollywood types,

and we get to support a great cause.

- What was the cause, again?

- Well, I think it's a charity.

You know, it's the act of giving,

which is always great.

We're giving of ourselves,

we're giving of our talents and our time.

Otherwise, how are we gonna solve the problems?

- Right, what was the problem?

- Let's just take a step back.

It's charity, it's about charity.

It's a giving,

it's giving,

it's a giving thing.

It's a giving thing.

- Yeah, but how do you know she was being serious?

Do you know what I mean?

- No.

What do you mean?

- Everyone was talkin' like Walken the entire time,

so maybe she was just really into the character.

- Wait, Andrea, you think she was really inviting us

to an actual Christopher Walken event?

- She was inviting Christopher Walken to an event.

I don't know, I was confused the entire walk.

- I gotta drop a bath before my Timberlake gig.

- Whoa, you're working for Timberlake?

- Yeah, that's my job.

- Unbelievable, I'm not even getting calls anymore.

- Well, don't complain,

unless he stops paying you.

You know.

- Thanks Andrea, but I think Beth and I,

we were having an actual conversation.

- All right, well, did she ever introduce herself

by her real name?

- No, but --

- Did she ever ask either of you your real names?

- No, but I gave her my card.

- You're probably right, Jim.

I don't know, I mean,

I don't know the conversation, so.

You okay?

- Yeah.

- She was talking to us, right?

- Does Timberlake prefer a Hondo?

- Okay see, right here.

Beth Riesgraf has hosted the Rise Above phone-a-thon

for the past five years.

That's what she was talking about.

- Have you heard Hondo's Timberlake?

It's the best I could find, but it's not great.

- Celebrities participating this year are,

these names.

Alec Baldwin, Martin Short,

Don Cheadle, Selma Hayek,

Justin Timberlake.

- Oh, Justin's gonna be there?

Should I ask him about Hondo?

- Sure, we're co-hosting with the stars,

and supporting a great cause, high five.

- What's the cause?

- I did not have sexual relations with Garry Lyons.

But he is one sexy human being.

- It's clever.

Annie made that?

- Yeah, she developed it.

- Interesting.

- Hey, have you heard any updates on Star Wars yet?

- Oh, they loved you buddy.

- Yeah?

- But nobody's been cast yet,

so don't worry about it,

but keep your fingers crossed.

- Hey, have you been getting any calls from team Timberlake?

- No, it's been slow.

- Really?

- They call me, I call you.

- Unless I'm booked.

- No.

I'll still call you, just to double check.

- Huh.

It's weird, it's just that Hondo keeps getting booked.

- Good for him.

I mean, he's doin' the work,

you're still makin' money,

you're still livin' in the house,

so just be happy buddy.

- So, tell me more about this app?

- Annie's thinking that if we get a whole bunch

of impressionists to work on it and kinda

built the celebrity catalog,

that it'll get so big that, you know,

other companies won't be able to compete,

so you know, cha-ching.

- Yeah, that's a great idea.

- It's a fantastic idea.

Are you gonna talk to Jim about it?

- There's too many selfies going on,

it's like a plague, you know?

I have so many pictures of me taken by people,

where you can see all the way up my nostrils.

- Annie came up with this app?

- Yeah.

- Wonder why she didn't come to me first.

- I can think of about 10 different reasons,

but chief she's of which being, your wife,

which you're separated from,

and you keep telling the world

that you're quitting impressions.

- Other than that.

- Yeah, that's a good point.

Hey, you think I should talk to Hondo about

this Timberlake thing?

- Follow your heart.

- I just might do that.

- Okay great, yeah, just pull it over

all the way to the end.

That should do it.

Great.

- Oh my God.

- Perfect.

Jim! Ross!

- We haven't seen you since the

two man, one man Hamlet thing.

- Right, yeah.

- Well, what are you doing here?

- I produce this event every year.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Oh, what a small world.

Where's Beth?

- Who?

- Beth Riesgraf, she's the co-host, right?

- Oh, well she was set to co-host,

but she informed us that you guys were

filling in for her this year.

- Oh.

- Really?

- I'm sorry if that wasn't clear.

She had another engagement, but she thought

you guys would be great, and I absolutely agree.

- Okay.

So, it'll just be us interviewing the celebrities, then?

- No, you guys are the co-hosts for the West Coast feed.

The celebrities are on the East Coast.

You guys get the at home viewers who call in,

and the celebrities on the East Coast in New York,

will answer the phones.

Excuse me, I'll be right back, sorry.

- Huh.

- Not quite what we had agreed to.

- Well, it's one thing to be stood up,

but it's another thing to be made to look like a buffoon.

- But it's for a good cause.

- True.

Which was?

- I don't know.

It's for charity.

We'll just do our designated hour,

and then we'll take off.

I mean, karma will find its way back to us, you know?

- You're right.

Of course.

Just an hour.

You do good things, good things happen to you.

- Couldn't agree more.

- And it's one hour.

- One hour.

- One hour.

No biggie.

- I can spare an hour.

- Sorry about that, you guys.

So we're gettin' ready to set you guys up.

So, this is the last chance,

in case you need some food,

or go to the bathroom,

because we'll be streaming live for six hours straight.

- Six hours?

- Yeah, quick six for the charity.

- I mean, I got nothin' against charities,

but it should be mutually beneficial

for all parties involved, that's all.

- That's a powerful mission statement, Jim.

It's just gonna be the two of us.

We can do our old routine,

maybe try out some new material.

It'll be like the old live show we used to do.

- Yeah, I guess so.

People say we have great chemistry.

- Aw, it's the best.

- Break it out.

- Just the two of us.

- Just you and me.

- And Piat should be here any minute.

- Oh my God.

- Piat?

- That's his real name.

He's the MC.

- The MC, I thought we were hosting.

- Co-hosting.

You guys'll be here, in Studio B,

and Piat will be on the main stage,

and if there's a joke he needs,

or maybe there's an impression that he can't do himself,

like, I don't know what he can't do,

he'll toss it to you guys.

- He'll toss it to us, the co-hosts.

- Jim! Ross!

Hey guys, so good to see you.

It's like a little reunion here.

This is fun.

Oh, I have a hard six,

'cause I have an interview tonight with Kevin Pollock

on his talk show, thanks Diane.

Good seeing you guys, we're gonna have a lot of fun.

- Yeah.

I'm havin' fun already.

- Yeah.

You know, early astronomers used to believe

that the sun revolved around the Earth,

and then that attitude generally changed

into accepting the fact that the Earth

revolved around the sun, but now we all know

that that's completely wrong.

The fact of the matter is that the universe

revolves around Piat.

- No, I have nothing to say.

- We've just reached $175,000 in three hours!

I'm as excited as Steve Buscemi on bowling night.

I can't believe it guys,

you're actually giving me a chance to play?

This is awesome.

Wait a minute.

Guys, is Jeff Bridges with you?

- Not so much.

- Not really.

- Never mind, he's right here.

Hey man, I'm so glad that you guys are relaxed at home,

but we need to amp up the energy,

and start donating man.

Guys, we're doing so well,

and if you continue to contribute,

you can get a chance to speak to one of our celebrities

in New York.

Jim, Ross, who can they speak with?

- You can talk to me, Matthew McConaughey.

- Sadly, Matthew McConaughey is not with us this year.

Who else can they speak with.

- Ian McKellen.

- Oh sir, Ian McKellen is not with us,

but if he was, he'd probably say something like,

you shall not let wartime pass.

Call now.

Who else can they speak with guys?

- I believe there's Liam Neeson.

- That's right, Liam Neeson.

I have a particular set of skittles,

skittles that I will use to spread the rainbow.

Ah yes, spreading the rainbow.

Lots of colors, red, blue, green.

Ah, green is good, green is what we need.

Yes, more green, give it to us.

All right, Jim or Ross, you still there?

Yes, should they call now?

- Why not?

- Call now.

- And if you call in the next 20 minutes,

you can still speak with dame Maggie Smith.

That's right dearies, and I'm up way past my bedtime.

Jim and Ross, how you guys doin'?

Why don't you take it for three minutes.

- Oh. - Okay.

- Oh well, yeah.

Jim, I'm feeling pretty good.

- It's great.

It's great to be associated with this --

- Oh, I forgot guys!

We gotta check in with our folks on the East Coast,

Matthew Broderick is standing on the line.

Mattie boy, brownster, how ya doin'?

- Six hours of Piat is about my fill.

- It's unbelievable, man.

- Hello, boys.

- Definitely wanna do a lot of sitting.

- I was just Piat on the Kevin Pollock show.

- Okay.

- Now, in the five plus years I've been doin' this show,

I've got to ask this following question.

Your success has come so very quickly,

if not easily.

I have to ask, why are you famous?

- Well, I didn't seek out to be famous.

- And yet, you are.

- No, I understand.

- It comes with great responsibility, one could suggest?

- Yeah, but you know, I'm here.

I'm not shying away from the spotlight.

- You've written a New York Times bestseller,

a memoir, yes?

See if we can't sell at least seven more copies.

Piat, yes?

- That's my real name.

- Great book, hilarious.

- Thank you.

- Loved it.

- Thank you very much.

- I would also recommend this one.

- That one's good too.

- How I slept my way to the --

- Do you have it on tablet?

- Middle.

Well, technically, I could come to your home,

and put it on your tablet.

Now in the book, you mentioned that your comedy

doesn't come from pain, but in fact,

comedy has caused your pain.

- I mean, I can't be funny all the time.

I feel that I have to have a balance,

so now I'm acting and directing a dramatic film,

with Bryan Cranston.

- Right.

- It's gonna be great.

- Yeah.

This is astounding.

According to your dossier,

you've been able to balance a career,

as someone who can do brilliant impersonations,

and also great dramatic acting.

How does one do that?

- I could ask you the same thing, right?

- Oh, please do.

By the way, please remind me to mention

a role in a film I'm directing, actually,

with Academy Award Winner Kate Winslet,

that you're kinda perfect for.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I'll tell you what,

let's take a little break.

- Okay.

- More with Piat right after these wonderful

words from the geniuses who decided to sponsor this episode.

- What?

Why can't I catch a break?

Everything Piat touches turns to gold.

When did my license to have a pursuit of happiness,

when was that revoked?

- You can't buy happiness, Jim.

- What?

- You can't buy happiness.

- You can't buy happiness.

- Okay, so, I don't know if you have Jason Statham

in your quiver, but --

- I've tried him, but I can't get him.

- He says six words in a row,

faster than any human being on the planet.

Those six words are do you know what I mean?

Which he says as, .

If I put you in that chair,

you'll be dead in 30 seconds.

Do you know what I mean?

- Do you know what I mean?

It sounds like he's saying charming.

- Charming.

- He's reduced six words to two syllables.

Do you know what I mean?

That's it.

Do you know what I mean?

Now you gotta teach me one.

- Okay, let's see.

Steve Buscemi.

- Please.

- Steve Buscemi is one of my favorite.

I found him doing Austin Powers, okay?

Yeah baby, very shagadelic.

Now take the teeth of Austin Powers,

put it there, and make it a little bit higher,

and you've got Steve Buscemi right there.

- That's flawless.

- Yeah man, Boardwalk empire right there.

- But you can buy opportunities,

and opportunities come to people who have money.

- That's not really what I meant.

- Yeah yeah.

Money.

Money's the one thing that's been missing

from this whole equation the whole time.

Why did Annie leave me?

- You lied to her.

- She was afraid I wouldn't be able to earn a living,

if I stopped doing impressions?

Money solves that problem.

Why can't I get my screenplay produced?

- It's the first one you ever wrote?

- Because I'm at the mercy of an investor

who needs to fund it.

Money solves that problem, too.

Money solves every problem I have.

- Jim, that's not really what I'm saying at all.

- No no Ross, Ross, stop.

That's fine, there's no shame,

there's no shame.

Money's the way I'm gonna get outta doing impressions.

- Piat's back on.

- I'm terribly proud of that fact,

but I auditioned hundreds and hundreds of times,

and then eventually, somebody had said yes.

At school, Carson would be on,

and I would say, "Mom, I'll be right back."

"Would you make sure supper's ready when I return?"

But I'm curious for you, how did --

- Star Trek.

- Did you do Captain Kirk?

- Right, Shatner?

- Thank you for not.

- Well, I'm not gonna ask.

I know it just comes to you naturally.

- I actually watched Star Trek on VHS tapes,

and I would do Leonard Nimoy, Spock.

As a kid, I would try to do the Vulcan sign,

live long and prosper,

but the only way was with super glue.

- You glued your hands?

- I had to.

As a result, I ended up in the hospital.

- I love that story in the book,

and couldn't believe that it was true.

- Yeah no, there's a lot of funny stories.

I glued myself to a lot of things.

- Yeah, and success, as it turns out.

My producers tell me,

during the break,

that you have an announcement.

- Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

- If you wouldn't mind, there's your camera.

Let everybody know.

- As you know, I made a lot of money from my

viral video and the book,

and I have a TV development deal,

so I've got some income coming in.

- See? Money.

There you go.

- You know, being an impressionist,

it led to all of this, but I feel like I wanna give back,

and so I'd like to announce that I'm creating

an impressionist competition,

in which I am seeking the world's greatest impressionist.

I will personally give a cash prize

of a quarter of a million dollars.

- You're gonna write a check for a quarter of a million?

- Yeah, and hand it to whoever wins.

I'll probably shove it to him,

it's a big check.

- Like a golf tournament, yeah.

- Mock up big one.

- And I'm not allowed to enter the contest.

- You'd win.

- Well, it seems unfair.

- Yeah, I mean, you wanna find an unknown.

You wanna give back.

- 'Cause, I mean, I got all this,

and you did too.

Impressionists open the door for some things,

and I feel that there are unsung heroes out there

that need to ... - Well, that's fantastic.

- Get up there.

- That's really great.

- I'd like to unveil my one step program

to quit doing impressions.

Win Piat's competition.

Turns out, that in order to quit doing impressions,

I need to make some money,

but to make money, I have to do my best impressions.

- On the next Impress Me.

- Barbara Streisand.

♪ Walk away ♪

♪ Somebody tells you've never been blue ♪

- Nora Jones.

♪ Someone thinks he understands you ♪

♪ Sometimes someone's wrong ♪

♪ Soap and cake ♪