Original subtitles

Ray: All right, let's get this over with.

[clears throat]

This proceeding and any sentences arising therefrom

shall be conducted under the Federation Judicial Code,

Article Nine, in re attempted murder

and mutiny, both capital offenses.

Now, I know you've all been sworn,

and I have read your complaints.

- I have a question. - Is it, "What's the best way

to interrupt a judge?" - [laughs] No.

- Then-- - It's, "Why does a spaceship

have an enormousdedicated courtroom in it?"

- Yeah, right? - I don't know!

I didn't build it. - Well, it's ridiculous.

I basically sleep in a coffin,and this could have been...

2 1/2 squash courts.

- Ooh, or a holodeck! - We havea holodeck.

- Yeah, but we never use it. - Can we please--

- Oh, so hey,why not just have the holodeck

turn into a courtroom?

- Ooh, or 2 1/2 squash courts.

[gavel banging] - Order! Order, or I will

hold you all in a different kind of contempt.

[grunts]

Now, then, Mr. Figgis,

are the people ready to proceed?

- [laughs]

Oh, yeah. [laughs]

Uh... - [clears throat]

- Oh, uh, sorry. Yes, Your Honor, the, uh--

- [clears throat] - What is--

Ray: [clears throat] - Oh, come on, seriously?

[sighs] Yes, Your Honor.

The people are ready to proceed.

- That's what I thought.

And is the defendant ready to proceed?

- No, the defendant is not because there is no defendant

because this whole thing is a sham and a farce,

and I don't recognize this kangaroo court's authority

because it's presided over by a male prostitute.

- Courtesan! - Pobobot!

[gavel clacking]

- And by God, you will recognize it

because prior to my current circumstances,

for 16 years, I was a Federation High Court Justice!

- I have a question. - Woman, I swear to God.

- How'd you go from beinga Federation judge

to, like,blowing space truckers?

- Well, missy.

[chuckling] Th-that is a--

oh, that is a long, crazy story.

[clears throat]

But it is entirely nongermane

to the solemn proceeding before this bench.

And so, Mr. Archer,

having reminded you that the man who represents himself

has a fool for a client--

- [laughs] I'm not representing myself.

- Well, then who is?

- [laughs] Oh, just TV's Michael Gray.

- Who, for reasons known but to God,

is wearing seersucker.

- So if you wanna go aheadand do that motion to dismiss,

now would, uh, maybe be a good time.

Oh, and also, we wish to countersue.

- I'm not typing that. - What?

Ray: I'm gonna allow it!

- For injuries and damages from you assholes

attempting to murder me

so Lana could steal half of the ship.

Well, when TV's Michael Gray is done with you,

I'm gonna own your half.

- So, hey, I don't think this is going as well

as you think it's going.

- You goddamn crook.

[main title theme]

♪ ♪

[Archer grunting] [Lana struggling]

- Jesus, okay.I think that's enough.

I don't wish to cause the witness

any further distress. - I'm fine, Your Honor.

- What about my magazine? - Will you--

- There's lots more video, Your Honor.

- Like the part when Pam smashed me in the head

with a fire extinguisher.

- [laughing] Yeah!

Play that!Ka-klunk!

[laughs] [gavel clacking]

- Do the people haveany further questions

for this witness? - Not at this time, Your Honor.

- Then your witness.

- Well?Uh, what are you waiting for?

[tense music]

Get up thereand cross-examine her.

What are you, hourly?

- I think I would be,

if I was a lawyer.

- Damn it. - Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

Something is wrong with your brain.

You need to plead not guilty

by reason of insanity.

Beg them for mercy

and realize you're hallucinating me.

- I'll see youdisbarred for this.

- Great, look forward to it.

- Point of procedure.

I, uh, no longer wishto be represented

by TV's Michael Gray.

- All righty.

Are the peopleokay with him

not havingan imaginary lawyer?

- [chuckling] They're great with it.

- Then your witness.

- Thank you. Now, then, Miss Kane, is it?

[static crackling]

- Yup. [static crackling]

- [sighs] Um...

Damn, I had something for this.

- Did ya? Archer: Actually,

can we maybe call her back at a, uh,

time later than, um-- later than now?

- You're just a regularClarence Darrow.

[sighs] You may step down.Thank you.

Call your next witness.

- Your Honor, the people call

the defendant's mother, Malory Archer.

- Ooh.

Come on, are we not doing that? [door hisses]

- Ooh. - Oh, come on.

Are you kidding me? - Sit down, sir!

- Are you--she's dressed exactly like Marlene Dietrich

in "Witness for the Prosecution,"

right down to the hair and the rakish little beret.

[chuckles] Are you seeing this?

- Are you? - What?

[static crackling] How the--

Objection. I object.

- To what? - I will ask the question!

[clears throat] It's actually the same question.

- I don't know. Everything!

- Oh, then I guess we can all go home.

[static crackling] - Can we?

- What the hell is happening?

- Don't look at me.

- God damn it, TV's Michael Gray.

- Uh, Your Honor-- - Wait, wait, shut up.

- You shut up! [gavel clacking]

- Order! You're out of order!

- You're out of order! You're out of order!

This whole trial is out of order!

[muffled alarm] Th-they're out of order!

- Everybody shut up!

And you bang that thing one more time,

I'll break it off inside you.

- [coughing] Legit phrasing.

- Shh! Listen.

female voice: Proximity alert.

- What's going on? - What alert?

- Why the hell is there

a proximity-- [rumbling]

all: Whoa! - Ow!

female voice: Collision.

- How the--Who's on the bridge?

- Nobody, because we're all down here

at this goddamn kangaroo railroad.

- What? - The--the--the--the--the--

Choo-choo! - Krieger!

Why aren't you up there?

- Well, then who would do this?

- Holy shit, dude,that's really good.

- You don't think it's derivative?

- No, 'cause I don't knowwhat that is.

- [sighs] It's when--

- Krieger! Status report!

- [groans] - Right?

- Okay, uh, we've got moderate hull damage

to starboard amidships, um-- - From what?

- I don't know. Jesus.

Turn that thing to the exterior cameras.

- Oh, right. [button clicks]

[monitor chimes] [all shout]

Malory: Oh, my God.

Archer: A Dri'n attack barge.

- Which means...

- Boarding party.

- And there ain't no party like a boarding party

'cause a boarding party don't stop.

[laughs]

Well, until these monstrous bastards

have slaked their thirst for blood.

And let me tell you, these little devils

are just parched. - [snarling]

[all shout]

- I know, right?

Barry-6, out.

- Wh-what do we do?What do we do?

- Well, the first thingwe've gotta do--

and I'm sure we can allagree on this--

is declare a mistrial.

[laser humming]

- Come on, man. What's taking so long?

- [grunting in Dri'n]

- "Space metal"? - [grunts]

- Think about how dumb that sounds.

Now, come on, let's

peel this banana and...

[grunts] Take a bite.

I mean, before they all get away

in an escape pod, of course.

Lana: Cyril!

Cyril: Lana... - You are not...

- I'm serious. - Abandoning ship.

- Do not make me hit you. - Excuse me?

- No, I-- I didn't mean that.

[blow lands] [groans]

- Whoa! - Ow!

- [laughs] Serves you right!

- Trying to cut the line like that!

- What--No one is abandoning ship!

We're gonna stay hereand fight!

- I really don't think we should.

- [laughs]Yeah, good luck with that.

- Meaning?

- Meaning those freaksare literally gonna

chew you up and spit you out. - Well--

- Or not spit you out.

I don't know about pirate dining etiquette,

but definitely the chewing up part.

- Well, nobody asked you, since last I checked,

you're a goddamn mutineer.

- Well, the last I checked--and I'm not being facetious--

nice sweater dress. - What?

- Sweater dress? - What?

- So you think maybe you arecrazy?

- [laughs]I'm crazy?

- I mean...

- She's crazy if she thinks

she can fight off an entire barge

full of murderous Dri'n pirateswithout me.

- Uh, first of all-- female voice: Hull breach.

- Oh, no. - Oh, that's no good.

- Talk about crazy, huh?

[laser hissing]

- Whoo! Now, that's what I calla nice gash.

- [laughing, snarling]

- No, we're not doingspace phrasing.

- [snarls] - Uh, because it's derivative.

- And also because I said so. female voice: Hull breach.

- I'm the only chanceyou've got.

Malory: He's right, you know.

- Yeah, you gotta let him go.

- That, or let us in that damn pod!

- I vote pod. - Cyril!

And, I'm sorry, have we all forgotten

he basically sexually assaulted me

with a rolled-up magazine?

- No. - That's evidence.

- You're evidence!

- And there was nothingsexual about it.

- I don't know. I thought it was pretty sexy.

[alarm blaring]

On opposite day! Gross, you guys!

- Goddamn.

- Lana, I'm sorryI attacked you.

I honestly don't know what got into me.

And when this is over, you can punish me

however you see fit.

- It's howmever. - Shut up!

But this calls for someserious swashbuckling,

and no one else canbuckle swashes like me, so--

female voice: Xenomorphs detected.

- Oh, no! - Your call.

female voice: Xenomorphs detected.

- [groans]

[laser hissing]

- [laughs]

[all shouting]

[laughs]

female voice: Xenomorphs detected.

- You're damn right, they are.

Get some! Yeah.

Be a hitter, big un. And have fun out there.

Oh, hey, and, uh, if anyone finds Archer,

remember, he's all mine.

- Okay, so Mother-- here you go--

is gonna lure them into the holodeck.

- Why?

- Well, for one thing, because shut up.

But remember-- here you go--

if we have to fall back--

and we can probably go ahead and make that

"when we fall back"-- here, take some of these--

fall back to the escape pod.

The pod is the Alamo.

- If we're just gonnago back there,

why'd we leavein the first place?

- Because the goalisn't to run away so fast,

it makes your vagina flap.

- Plus, all the guns are in here.

Krieger: Not all of them.

- You got the sentry guns online?

- Yep, yep, yep. - Okay.

Here we go!

[computer beeping]

[gunfire]

[beeping]

- A and B guns firing.

- Wait, wait, wait.At what?

- What?

[gunfire]

- 80, 60-- - What the shit, Krieger?

Krieger: 40. [beeping]

That's it.

- Then what was the point?

- Mm-mm-mm. Director's cut?

- Ugh. - Right?

Barry-6: Wait, what?

Uh, did they even hit anybody?

- [grunts] - [laughs]

So then just totally pointless.

- [snarling] - [laughs]

Unless you lean on them,you big dummy.

- Okay, Mother-- Barry-6: Archer!

- That's your cue. - And just how exactly

am I supposed to lure those creeps

to the holodeck without getting myself killed?

[gasps] Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

[shimmering tone] Duh.

♪ Toodles ♪

- The rest of you, follow me.

Move, Cyril. I want to hear it flap.

- [sighs]

- Come on, Archer. You can run, but--

Well, I guess you can hide, obviously.

But stop doing it is what I'm saying.

Malory: ♪ Yoo-hoo - Huh?

Malory: Who's up for some bopping and booping?

- I'll bop your boop, you little--

- [snarls] - Why would it be a ruse?

Come on, you mother humpers.

[all growling]

Cyril: Jeezy Petes, you really arecrazy!

- We're sitting ducks. There's no cover.

- Jesus Christ, do you nerds really never come down here?

[whirring]

- Oh! - This is incredible!

- I know, right?

Plus, upstairs, there's a bunch

of hologram whores giving out

old-timey 50-cent blow jobs.

- Wait, what makes them old-timey?

- Uh, they're 50 cents?

[ragtime piano music playing]

Hoooo, Mikey Mike!

♪ ♪

[western music]

Malory: Whoa!

♪ ♪

[shimmering tone]

- Is now the best timefor that?

- A lot better than it's about to be.

- How many are there? - [drinks shot]

Scores.

- Like, literally scores or--

[Cyril whimpering]

- Cyril, get your shittogether.

Now, listen, you gotta let 'emcome into our killing zone.

Don't just start blasting awaythe second you--

[door squeaks] [all gasp]

- Suppressing fire! [gunfire]

[shouting and laughing]

Whoo! [laughing]

[shouts]

[all groaning in agony]

- Goddamn, dude. Lana: Seriously.

- You shot all my guys. [Cyril giggles nervously]

- Oh, for--way to go, Cyril.

- What? - "What?"

I'm supposed to be the hero.

- Doing what? - Seriously, Archer?

- Wow. - Well?

[static crackling] - [laughs]

That is pathetic.

- So are sweater vests. [static crackling]

- Huh? - What's a sweater vest?

Barry-6: Hey, asshole,

you really wanna be the hero?

- [chuckling] I mean...

- Then let's just you and me play.

female voice: Danger.

The self-destruct system

is now activated.

[all gasp] - Why do we even have that?

- What? How?

- Becausethe password was...

"guest." - Told you.

female voice: Detonation in two minutes.

[all speaking at once]

- What? - Two? No.

I thought I set it for 20.

- Krieger, can you override it? - Um...

female voice: Krieger cannot override it.

- No. - What do we do? What do we do?

- Well, if you hustle, I bet you can just make it

to the... - [screaming]

[doors squeaking] - Escape pod.

- Come on, everybody. Move it! - Let's go!

- All except you, Archer.

[static crackling] They go.

You stay.

- What? No.

Sterling, no!

- Mother, it's okay. You go.

I need to stay here for a while.

- Archer--

female voice: Detonation in

90 seconds.

- Go! - [sighs]

Son of a-- [static crackling]

Come on.

- No, no, no, no, no, no! Sterling!

[alarm blaring]

- [laughs]Moms, huh?

- So you're willing to die just to make sure I do?

- Yep. - Why?

- Because, Archer, a long time ago

in a galaxy far, far away, you put your nasty dick

in my fiancée's butthole.

- Wait, wait, wait, that-- that's what this is about?

- Oh, yes. - Uh, what was her name?

Simone? - Framboise!

female voice: Detonation in 60 seconds.

- [laughs] Jesus Christ.

Well, if it's any consolation, Barry,

I can't even remember what she looks li--

- [shouts] - [grunts]

- Go, go, go, go, go! - But wait!

Couldn't we-- - Malory, we need to move.

We've only got-- female voice: Detonation in

30 seconds.

- That. - No, no, no, wait!

- Wait. Just wait a second.

Wait. - What?

[glass shatters] [groans]

- [laughs] Chicken butt.

Chicken butt, Barry!

female voice: Detonation in 15 seconds.

Escape pod launched.

- [laughs] Yes!

They're safe, Barry.[laughs]

female voice: Detonation in ten...

- Are they? female voice: Nine...

- What? female voice: Eight...

- Are they safe? female voice: Seven...

- Yes. female voice: Six...

- So you're the big man, huh?

female voice: Five... - Yes, Barry, I am.

female voice: Four... - I'm huge.

female voice: Three... - Not what Framboise said.

female voice: Two... - Oh, really?

Because-- female voice: One.

- Shit, I had something for--

female voice: Ignition. [explosion booming]

- [heavy breathing]

[Queen Sarah Saturday's "Robert De Niro"]

Rampaaaaaaaage!

- Ugh.

- Sterling Malory Archer.

man: Code name Duchess.

- So here's the thing.

I need to access my operations account,

and you're preventing that.

Now, we can do this easy,

or we can do it hard.

- The thought of me deadgives you an erection?

- Jesus Christ!

- Your call.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

all: Drink, drink, drink, drink!

- [grunting] Ow! Ow!

Bawk! Bawk!

- Archer!

- I'm coming!

Phrasing, boom!

[explosions booming]

[screaming]

[crash] [swords clashing]

Okay, let's try that a-- Oh, shit!

[train horn blares]

Survey says-- - [screams]

- Don't try to doanything stupid.

- I don't have to try.

[blows landing] [both shouting]

- [grunting] - I'll show you who's boss.

- [grunts] - How do you like that?

[shoes squeak] [tires screech]

- [grunts] Hey, asshole!

- Lana.

♪ ♪

Lana. - [gasps]

- [grunts] - [groans]

[glass shatters] - Lana!

[gunfire] - [clears throat]

[grunts] - [groans]

Lanaaaaaaaa!

- What? - [laughs]

♪ Danger zone

- Sterling Archer,

I'd like you to meetyour daughter,

Abbiejean.

- Why is that whonamed like me?

- Because he's your son,

you colossal idiot.

- Until you can look at your mother

and see her not just as your mother

but as a person... - [belches]

When have I everbeen honest with Sterling?

Burt: You can't grow up.

- [crying]

- Honey, you still got it.

♪ Bow-chicka-bow-bow, a-huh-huh ♪

Archer: Pretty much my whole life,

my default setting has been half-ass.

Whoo-who cares?

Imagine as I literally beat you to death

that a giant hand has turned my dial

from half-ass to quadruple-ass.

[gunfire] - [shouting]

[gunfire]

[crashing]

[gunshot] - Oh, booyakasha!

I've been shot, stabbed, set on fire, poisoned, shot,

sexually assaulted, partially chewed,

shot, and declared legally dead

twice on the same day.

- Think you might havea problem.

- Yeah, Lana, it's called cancer.

♪ ♪

[gurgling] Lana: Archer?

- Are you-- - The man who cheated death?

[all gasp]

I might be immortal.

all: Archer!

- [laughs]

This close.

- ♪ Rebound ♪

♪ Rebound

[gasps] Goddamn Barry.

[glass shatters] [yells]

Mother? - [gasps] Sterling?

- W-w-wait, what are you-- what are you--

- I--I...

Gladys: I know you didn't just break

another glass in here,

because if I told you once, I told you--

[gasps] My Lord Jesus! God!

- Gladys! He's awake!

- He's awake! - Yeah, um, duh.

Wh-why am I in a hospital?

- You were shot by a crazy woman.

- [gasps] Just like Eddie Waitkus!

- Who? - Don't get him started.

- [laughs] Oh, man.

For a second there, I thought maybe the booze

had caught up with me.

Ooh, speaking of...

- With me standing right here? - He's gonna need it.

- Wait, why? Wait, wait, wait, wait.

H-how long have I been here?

Mother? - Sterling--

- Mother, how long have I been here?

- [sighs]

Three years. - What?

No. Three--

Wait, not--no. No, no, no.

- Y-you want me to call Dr. Gorenstein?

- Oh, please.You think he could be bothered?

At midnight on a Sunday?

Plus, what wouldhis mistress say?

- [laughs] So bad.

- Wait, why are you here at midnight on a Sunday?

- Well, I, um--

- She's always here.

- Oh, now,not always.

[monitor beeping steadily]

- Let me get you some ice chips.

- For three years?

- I wanted to be herewhen you woke up.

- [sips drink, swallows]

[exhales sharply] Okay, so, like,

wh-wh-what about Lana?

- Lana? - Hey, wait, do I have a kid?

- There's plenty of timeto talk about all of that.

The important thingis that you're back

and we're together.

- Um, uh, okay.

- After all,the real story's

always beenabout you and me.

- What are you--

- Which,when you think about it,

at its heart,

it's really a love story.

- Please, Mother, don't say that.

- It's true.

- Ugh!

[sips drink]

- Made in Georgia.