Original subtitles

["Things Are Looking Up Today"]

♪ Pardon me, above ♪

♪ Can you spare me a dime ♪

♪ I'm a little short-changed ♪

♪ Otherwise, I'm fine ♪

♪ Times are gettin' better ♪

♪ Things are goin' my way ♪

♪ But I can use a cup of jive-a-Jack ♪

♪ To start my day ♪

♪ Things are lookin' up today ♪

♪ How could they be any other way ♪

♪ How am I flyin' ♪

♪ I'm flyin' high ♪

♪ Ah, this little guy ain't no small fry ♪

♪ Gonna pack my bags ♪

♪ Gonna grab a half a pint ♪

♪ And I'll be in California ♪

♪ By Saturday night ♪

♪ Life's a bowl of cherries ♪

♪ If you throw away the pits ♪

♪ And a bowl of duck soup ♪

♪ Is just two bits ♪

♪ Things are lookin' up today ♪

♪ How could they be any other way ♪

♪ How am I flyin' ♪

♪ I'm flyin' high ♪

♪ Ah, this little guy ain't no small fry ♪

♪ So, you better quit your jivin' Jack ♪

♪ And get off your tail ♪

♪ Hit the yellow brick road ♪

♪ Or hit the rails ♪

♪ Follow that rainbow ♪

♪ Follow the star ♪

♪ 'Cause the bigger the dream ♪

♪ The bigger you are ♪

♪ I said, the bigger the dream ♪

♪ The bigger you are ♪

'Time to switch to our coast-to-coast network'

'for the President's address.'

'In today's headlines. Hitler's army continues'

'it's relentless invasion of Austria.'

'But the US stock market continues'

'to cover in spite of...'

Did my reply from Hollywood come yet?

Nope. I told you, they don't cast movies by mail.

Face it, little fellow, your dreams are just too big.

Well, lemme tell you something, Delbert.

And I want you to remember where you heard it.

There's no dream too big.

And no dreamer too small.

Readin' them books again, huh?

'Ladies and gentleman, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt.'

Good, just in time.

'Friends and fellow Americans'

'again this week, I have wonderful news'

'about our economic recovery.'

'But first, I'm compelled to contrast'

'our peace and happiness.'

'With very different scenes being enacted'

'in other parts of the world.'

'Without the...'

- Come on, somebody fix that. - That's perfect.

Hell, I'll fix it. It's just this aerial again.

You takin' that freight today, Rollo?

Either that or I'll mail myself west.

Hey, what are you doin'?

Looks like the wind came up, Timmy.

And blew the sign down and took the aerial with it.

- I'll get a ladder, I'll put it up. - Don't bother.

The President is already on and I wanna hear him.

Careful, half pint.

'Now, you're getting it.'

'Yo, Rollo, lookie here.'

Hey, half pint. That's great.

Whatever you're doin' just keep it up.

'...murdered with bombs from the air.'

'The present reign of terror, and international lawlessness'

'has now reached a stage where the very foundations'

'of civilization are threatened.'

Achtung!

- Heil, Hitler! - Seig Heil!

Heil, Otto? Did Lefty explain your mission?

The map of the American defenses

will be passed to a Japanese secret agent.

'You will rendezvous with this agent in California.'

Uh-uh, one question, Mein Fuhrer.

Ya vol.

Uh, how will I know him?

He will greet you with this password.

"The Pearl Is In The River."

"The Pearl Is In The River."

Perfect.

'You will look for a Japanese man in a white suit.'

How will he know me?

He will look for a man your size.

Good, I will not fail, Mein Fuhrer!

With our Japanese allies preparing for attack

the whole world will soon be ours!

- Heil, Hitler. - Seig Hail.

'Gangway. Hey big fella, you're going the wrong way.'

Thank you.

I'm sorry, sir. But you'll have to meet your party on the dock.

Oh, no. I'm looking for an inspector Roy Collins.

He's with the Duke and Duchess of Luchow.

I'm Collins, Scotland yard.

'Well, come along. The Duke and Duchess are waiting for you.'

- 'Fine, I'll follow you, sir.' - 'I knew your father.'

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind waiting on the dock side?

Well, the Duke and Duchess have driven me bloody bats.

I thought this would be like a holiday, but it seems I was wrong.

What's wrong with them?

Well, the Duke thinks everyone is an assassin.

He won't even go out of the house without putting on some lunatic disguise.

The old girl simply won't wear her glasses.

And without them, she's practically blind.

And to top it all off, I got Strudel.

Inspector, inspector, I think you're... a little melodramatic

when it gets to pastry.

No, Strudel! This rotten little dog

that the Duchess positively pampers.

But you won't have any trouble.

After you.

'Ta-ta.'

Duke, Ferdinand of Luchow?

I'm Bruce Thorpe, Special Agent

from the United States Secret Service, sir.

Ah, we were expecting you, Mr. Thorpe.

Ah, good. As you know, I've been assigned

to escort you across this great nation of ours.

Yes, may I present the Duchess of Luchow.

- So nice to see you. - How do you do, your Highness.

Oh, is that your little dog?

Ha ha, oh, no, ma'am, I believe it's yours.

My Strudel?

Oh, oh, ha ha, how silly.

We're happy to have you with us.

The Duke has been very apprehensive

'ever since we left exile.'

'Are you experienced in security?'

'I'm very well trained, sir.'

'President Roosevelt, himself told me'

'we have the best Secret Service School within the country.'

'You are well armed?'

Your majesties, if I may?

- Oh! - Oh, don't fret, my dear.

A-a-ah.

Liebchen, it is the only the Steward, darling.

Relax, sir. You're in America. Who'd want to assassinate you here?

Steward, pack these bags up,

get them to Grand Central Station.

- Are you alright? - Yes.

- We'll leave now. - Come, Liebchen.

'Get them to Grand Central Station

'and put them on the Twentieth Century Limited.'

'Rooms D, E and F.'

'A-a-h!'

So, what do you think?

Isn't it great? You like it?

It's amazing. It looks just like the sketches.

'Through the camera, it looks like a real mansion.'

Special effects cost me $5000.

Probably save me a hundred.

- Thanks a lot! - Great!

Gonna be a fine film!

'We're starting a new picture next week.'

'And I'm anticipating a few small problems.'

'Annie, you're perfect for it.'

I'm making you Special Talent Coordinator... on this.

- "The Wizard of Oz." - "The Wizard of Oz?"

But that's already been cast.

Now, you're not listening.

I said, Special Talent Coordinator!

Oh, what's a... Special Talent Coordinator?

Honey, this weekend, I'm bringing in a 150

special extras from all over the world.

The biggest bunch of them is gonna arrive by train.

This Sunday.

Now, some of them have to be ready

to work first thing, Monday morning.

So, you'd probably have to stay up all night

to get them through make up, hair and wardrobe.

If I have to work all night, I'm not sure I want this promotion.

Hey, you do this thing for me

and you're gonna get that raise I promised you.

- You promise? - Of course.

Oh, and I need a dog.

- A dog? - A funny dog.

- Oh, Louie, Louie, Louie-- - What are you worried about?

I'm confident that you and your staff are gonna be able to handle this.

My staff?

Oh, yeah. I'm assigning Homer, here to...

Would you take that off?

My nephew. Show business is his life.

Really?

'Hello, Culver hotel.'

'Hi, this is Homer Hinkle.'

'I'm the Assistant Special Talent Coordinator'

'on "The Wizard of Oz."'

'We have some actors coming from out of town.'

'And they all wanna be in the same hotel.'

'So, since you're right across the street... and I'm across

the street from you, I'm calling you first.

- Yes, sir. - We'll need about 150 rooms.

- That's... 150 rooms? - 'You don't have that many?'

Oh, of course. We can take care of it.

'I need confirmed reservations.'

- Okay. - 'For Sunday.'

That's 150 rooms confirmed.

'Right. I'll give you all their names when we check in, okay?'

- 'Yes, sir. Thank you.' - 'Goodbye.'

- Hi. - Hi.

This place is a morgue and I'm missing

the hotel managers' convention.

Look, so long as there's nothing goin' on for rest of the week

I'll take you with me.

Meet me out front. We'll use your car.

- Henry? - 'Yes, sir?'

'Thank you very much, Uncle Lester. You won't be sorry.'

'I will be a great manager. You'll see.'

Miss Enright will be accompanying me

on my business trip, if you know what I mean.

I understand.

One more thing I'd like you to understand, Henry. If anything goes wrong

if you have any problems at all

you'll be fired and disinherited.

- Okay. - Do you understand?

- Yes, I understand completely. - Good.

- Thank you. - 'Who is it?'

- Oh, it's Zuzu, darling. - It's just us, your honor.

- 'Is it safe?' - Oh, yes, sir.

May I suggest you join us and enjoy the beauty

of this great land of ours.

'I've scouted the premises, sir, and I can assure you'

'we're all secure here.'

Thank you. You're most efficient.

It is so comforting to have Mr. Thorpe with us.

But you must remember to use the secret knock.

- One more, dear. - Oh, yes.

One more, yes.

Oh, it says here, Mr. Hitler is doing everything in his power

to preserve peace.

Uh-oh, yep, yeah, yep.

Mm-hmm, yeah, great.

Oh, Strudel. Strudel, you naughty dog, you.

- Now make nice to uncle Bruce. - 'No, no, no. Please.'

Liebchen, I will be in the bar

until you get everything cleaned up in here.

Yes. Yes, of course.

I'm sure everything's alright, sir.

No, no, no. There are people on this train.

Any one of them may be out to kill me. But I am ready for them.

Uh oh. Easy there. Be very careful. Maybe I'd better hold on to that.

No, it is in perfectly safe...

Sir, I believe you just shot the dog.

This-this could cost me my job, you know.

- Yes, well... here. - Maybe I'll just get a cup of coffee.

Thank you.

I don't think you'll be needing that disguise in America, sir.

Oh, yes. Thank you, thank you. Sometimes I forget I have it on.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Well, I was saying...

A-ah.

- Aw-w. Look at those rabbits. - 'Oh, yes.'

So, don't feel bad about Strudel XIII.

Because here is Strudel XIV.

How did they all die?

Oh, the first Strudel died by assassination.

My father fell on him.

I have lived in constant fear ever since.

I can understand that. What about the rest of the Strudels?

There was some drownings. There was some tramplings, shootings.

Oh, and one suicide.

- Suicide? - Yes, yes, it was very sad.

But most important of all, is that the Duchess never finds out.

For 24 years, she has been a Duchess without a court.

This I owe to her. Our Strudel was a Royal Blueblood.

He must live on. A-ah, a-ah.

It's alright, sir. It's just a mail bag. Just a mail bag.

Just a coffin, sir. We'll get right back to the compartment.

Don't worry about a thing. We're on our way.

You go to the bus station and meet the buses

and I'll meet you back at the Culver Hotel, okay?

Right.

'Your attention please...'

I'm gonna get you directly into a taxi.

Directly is very good.

I'm sorry, you alright?

Yes, I'm fine.

I'm sorry again.

Uh-oh. No, no.

Excuse me. Excuse me, what happened here?

Hi, I'm Annie Clark from the movie studio.

If you go that way, I'll get us a taxi.

How you doin'?

Stop that little man.

Wait a minute. Here, wait, are you with us...

Oh, boy, that's great. I'm sorry.

- Are you hurt? - No, you're 0 for 2.

Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hey, wait, you dropped your, uh... diaphragm.

Hey!

Come back here.

Ow.

Drop your stick. I'll help you. Kiss me.

- He went that-a-way. - Somebody's chasing this guy.

Well, he looks like one of us.

- Thanks. - My pleasure.

Howdy, friend. Don't look so shocked.

Haven't you ever seen little people before?

Not all in one place. Are you all together?

I'll explain it later. Right now, you're coming with us.

- 'Where we goin'?' - We're off to see the wizard.

Okay, I'll get my stuff.

Your Highnesses, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we get the first taxi.

We take the first taxi?

We'll take the first taxi and then we can put

the hand luggage and the things we need in the second cab.

No problem there. And then of course we can have

the trunks sent on up to the Culver Hotel.

Hold it, hold it. You can't have that cab.

These four cabs are reserved.

Secret Service special priority, I'm going to need those first two cabs.

You got 'em.

G-men.

'Up, up, little higher, Pops. Up, up, up. C'mon.'

'Okay, Tiny. Pull it up there.'

'Little bit higher.'

'A little higher on your side, Pops.'

Okay, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect.

It's perfect!

The Hotel Rainbow.

It's gonna make a fortune.

Okay, Pop.

Tie that off, go inside and polish up the bells.

I don't think your Uncle's gonna like this.

He'll love it, I'm telling you. He'll love it.

I know what I'm talking about. I'm... the manager.

Holy!

I can't fix this. We'll have to call the garage.

Excuse me, young man. Can you direct me to manager, please?

I am the manager. Henry Hudson, at your service.

Ah!

Ah, it appears my group will require rooms.

Well, step right this way, sir. There's always room.

- Under the Rainbow. - Ah, thank you.

Pops, help these gentlemen with their bags.

You see, Tiny. It's working already.

Have you been, uh, long in this country?

No. Only two weeks.

First of all, I need to know how many people in your party?

- Uh, 20. - '20 people. And the names?'

Rimi Akido.

Hey, boy! Get my bags. Und schnell.

The Pearl is in the river!

No. Get out of there. Get out of the street there.

Now. Okay. Okay. Right in the front door here.

'Okay, come on. Come on, now.'

Come on. Let's not dawdle, okay?

Ow! Ow!

Wake up, you wiener.

Henry wants you to help Pops with the luggage.

You mean we actually got people in here?

Holy mackerel!

'They all look alike, too.'

Hey, where you from, fella?

Oh, you must be from... Dussel-dwarf.

Oh!

Can you tell me if midget arrive here yet?

You asked me if a midget has arrived here?

'That is right.'

I think I can quite say that the answer is yes.

Good.

'Where is he?'

Right this way, sir.

Take your pick.

I was... I'm sorry.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Observe great caution as you enter.

Looks like I'm gonna make my first tip

since the depression started.

- Step right in, ma'am. - Thank you.

Welcome to the Culver Hotel. Come in. Thank you.

I thought you said this was a quiet, out-of-the-way hotel.

I thought it would be. I wouldn't worry about it, your highness.

Since I've reserved the whole top floor.

Oh, look at all the children.

It must be recess.

- Excuse us, kids. - Yes, please.

This looks like an aerial view of an unemployment line.

Louie, Louie, Louie.

How may I help you? Henry Hudson, at your service.

I'm Bruce Thorpe. I believe we spoke?

Ah, yes, Mr. Thorpe. That was the, uh, entire top floor.

- Wasn't it? - Yes.

And how many people in your party?

Uh, they're three.

Three.

No, four, with the dog.

Oh.

Okay.

- Fred! - A-ah!

- Oh, no, sweetheart. It's alright. - It's alright. It's alright.

Oh! No, no. That was a great bang.

- No, dear. A little ding-ding. - The little ding was a bell.

Tiny!

Show these people to their-their floor, will you?

Ooh!

Oh, what a sweet little boy.

Don't worry, darling.

When you grow up, you'll get lots of beautiful girls.

Now, don't be naughty.

Come, Strudel.

Can you fix a broken bus?

Oh, uh... the bus? What kind?

Oh, it's black.

Look under-under 'Culver City Studios.'

I looked under there. They're not there.

Look under 'munchkins.'

I...

Look. We have to face facts.

They're not in here and there's been some kind of mix-up.

Some kind of mix-up?

Look, there's no problem. No problem.

If you need rooms, we'll get them.

We'll just have to, uh, double up.

If that's not enough, we'll quarter 'em.

Guys, please come on. No short jokes, please.

- Okay? - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Oh, there's one other possibility.

This young gentleman by the elevator

has the entire top floor reserved.

But there are only three people in his party.

- So-- - Oh, thank God.

Okay, roll-call.

Pardon me, sir.

- Oh. - Oh, no.

It's the pretty girl from the train station. How you doin'?

Do you think we could use any of those rooms you have on the top floor?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I couldn't do that.

It's very special circumstances and...

Any rooms that you could spare would be greatly appreciated.

I can't. I just can't.

Three people need the entire top floor?

I mean, I can't understand that. I just can't understand it.

I can understand that.

Bruce, I think the bar is open.

Don't dilly-dally.

'No, this is an elevator, dear.'

Don't, uh, dilly-dally, Bruce.

The Duke's very tired. Been a long trip.

The dog's name is Duke.

'Here's the elevator, gang.'

Louie, Louie, Louie.

Oh, no. We're going straight to the top.

That other elevator will be down in a second.

'Oh, okay.'

- Oh! - Hey!

Excuse me, Miss Louie.

I could not help but overhear.

You see, they gave us twenty rooms, but we can share.

Oh, thank you. That would be great...

- Oh, sit down, please. - Thank you.

You know, all these little people are here to make a movie.

Ah! Well, it must be very funny, from the look of this.

- What's it called? - The Wizard of Oz.

Oh, what's it about?

I have a script here. Maybe you'd like to read it?

- Oh, I would be honored. - I'll have to have it back.

Oh, absolutely.

In fact, to show my gratitude, I would be extremely honored

if you would dine with me this evening.

I can return your script to you then.

That would be just nifty. Um...

Oh, um, I'm sorry.

I'm Annie Clark.

- Rimi Akido. - Ah.

- Sayonara. - Sa...

- Domo arigato. - Domo...

Uh-huh.

Homer! Homer.

- We got rooms. We got rooms. - You did?

Come on.

Your appetizer, while you're waiting, sir?

It's the house special, Guacamole Surprise. Stop that!

Thank you.

Waiter, we shall have some, uh, Chateau Lafite Rothschild.

Okay. And will you be having wine with that, sir?

That is wine.

Gesundheit.

Look, Strudel. The Hindenburg.

Leopold, you are so handsome without all those disguises.

'Why, thank you, my dear.'

And Mr. Thorpe, you make me feel so safe in your country.

Yes, of course.

Okay, fella. We're here.

Oh, grazie, grazie.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

I'm telling you. It's gonna be a great party.

Someone will be right with you, sir.

Would you like crushed nuts?

Don't you dare.

Do you like your tits--

My Strudel just adores this Pate de Foie Gras.

Yes. Very remarkable looking preparations.

- It's good for the dog? - Oh, it is pure goose liver, you know.

Pure goose liver. Yes, all royal dogs love it.

Yes, of course.

The pearl is in the river.

Thank you.

- Would you like to dance? - Yes, I'd love to.

- Waiter. - Yes?

May I have a glass of white wine, please?

- Certainly. - Waiter.

I will have another glass of red wine, please.

Another glass of red wine. Certainly, sir.

'Thank you.'

I know what you've been doing. I want you to lay off the wine!

I've just been eating grapes.

Hello.

Excuse me?

Yes, someone will be with you immediately. I'll see to it.

If you can just be patient, I'll get right on it.

I could not help bumping into you.

I do not speak English.

Yeah.

- Your wine, sir. - Thank you.

- 'Your wine, sir.' - Oh.

Thank you.

- Oh, mein Gott! - 'What is it, my dear?'

My priceless pearl from Central Russia is missing.

The pearl is in the river.

The pearl is in the river.

Ze pearl is in ze river?

The pearl is in the river.

The pearl is in the liver!

Look there.

- 'Oh, thank you.' - Thank you. You're most kind.

Zuzu, the waltz. Shall we, my dear?

Oh, I'd love to, darling.

- Pardon us. - Please enjoy yourselves.

Did you say "The pearl is in the river?"

No, no, no.

I said, "Pearl in river."

Perfect.

Excellent.

So, ze pearl is in ze river.

Well, at last the plot can proceed.

Oh, the plot is excellent.

With the help of your people, it'll be very successful.

The American dog will be blown into the sky.

Ah, Toto.

Very ingenious.

Follow yellow road and you're a winner.

You are so right, my yellow friend.

Be sure to check page 18.

That's where the plot sinks.

- Did you have your dinner? - Yep. Wanna dance?

Ah, maybe some other time.

Finish your drink, 'cause we gotta get you over to the studio soon.

Sure.

What role will you play after this?

I have many roles.

Ah, you must have a good agent.

I am a good agent.

Seig Heil.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Oh, yes, I remember this. Yes.

Poor darling, shall we sit down?

I'm terribly sorry, but I won't be able to have dinner with you tonight.

Things have really gotten out of hand.

Strudel.

The pearl is in the river.

Thank you very much, but I have already recovered it.

Did you say, "Ze pearl is in ze river?"

You?

Now, you give me invasion map.

I already gave it to your fellow countryman.

Can you stay for some wine?

I wish I could, but...

You gave him the map?

I put it in the script he was reading.

Perhaps some other time, dear lady.

Oh, here's your script.

I enjoyed it very much.

Oh, I'm so glad.

And thank you so much for sharing your rooms because I really appreciate it.

Well, see you, lovely American lady. Sayonara.

Scenario...

'Okay, everybody, it's getting late, and it's time to go to work.'

So, why don't we take this party on over to the studio?

Sure, why not.

Follow me.

The American woman has killed him

for the map.

She's taking the script.

We mustn't let that woman out of our sight. Come!

Mr. Thorpe, that man has been behaving rather suspiciously.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hey, fellow, you want to call the manager?

Looks like a possible coronary.

Oh, poor man.

Was that the nice man who found my pearls?

Yes.

Might be best if we head for the service elevator, it's right through the kitchen.

Yes, yes, very well.

What seems to be the problem here?

The problem seems to be a death.

What?

Well, then you won't be drinking your wine, will you, sir?

Tiny, no more drinking.

We've got to figure out what we're going to do.

'Well, for starters I would try calling the police, and...'

'... then the Japanese Embassy, okay?'

Right.

'Excuse me. Yes, sir, right through there.'

Come on, Strudel. Heel.

Heel.

- Miss Clark, Miss Clark. - Yeah.

I wanna introduce you to the guy I was telling you about at the train station, Rollo Sweet.

Pleased to meet you, ma'am.

'Hiya, Rollo. Where are you from?'

- Topeka, Kansas. - Well, I'm glad to have you with us.

This is great. Just great.

I can see the headlines now.

"Japanese national dies at Hotel Rainbow."

What are we gonna tell the police, Tiny?

I don't think we should tell anybody anything

until your uncle comes back. He'll know what to.

Yeah, but he's not gonna be back until tomorrow.

What do we do with the body, meantime?

You leave that to me.

Okay, everybody, it's time to go across the street

and get in the wardrobe and makeup.

Come on, now. Across the street.

We must get the script without any delay.

To make up for ineptness, though a microscopic one.

Shut your Jap yap.

Nazi nip better learn to keep civil tongue in tiny mouth.

One of these days we will no longer be friends.

That means you, too.

Put me down, you swine, I'm not one of your cattle.

I will dive-bomb your family!

'Put me down! I will wreck Washington!'

Hey, I-I'll walk with you? What's your name?

Lana.

First time I ever went up on a broad. Next.

Fifth floor. Going down.

Is every night gonna be like this?

I'll admit it it's quite a coincidence

two heart attacks at the same time,

even though one of them was a dog.

Yes, you're right.

It is all a plot.

One of those heart attacks must have been meant for me.

'Lobby.'

Now, it's four blocks north and the owner lives up over the pet shop

and he'll let you in anytime. I bought a sheep there once.

Oh, okay. Thank you, that'll be fine.

'Your majesty, I'm going to get us a taxi cab.'

'It'll make it a lot easier for us, I think.'

'Taxi!'

Yo, you want a cab?

Ugh.

You know, I think we'll just walk.

Oh, allow me, sir.

Oh, no, not another one.

Hello, Tiny. What'll it be?

Well... we need a pick me up.

Make it two Irish coffees, will you?

Make those doubles.

You what?

The men's? You just went.

Is he really, really dead?

Oh, no. He just has a little too much iron in his system.

I see.

- Is that a hole in his shirt? - Where?

Right there. Under his tie.

Oh, you're-you're right, uh. Do you have any more gum?

Yeah. It's a nickel a pack.

No, I only need one piece.

I'll take care of that.

Uh.

That gum can't help him.

Well, it certainly can't hurt him.

Come on, I-I want you to meet one of your friends.

- What will it be, fellas? - Two doubles.

I'll have the same.

You look ridiculous.

Open your eyes. This disguise is perfect.

Where is the woman with the script?

'In room 511.'

And my eyes are open.

We must get the script at any cost.

This mission has already taken too long.

I must attend to more important matters.

Hopefully a new tailor.

'Rollo, did you hear that?'

'Sounds like somebody's after the script.'

'Better tell Miss Clark.'

Party's in the lobby.

'Hey, everybody. There's a big little party in the lobby.'

'Come on, let's wreck this place up. Down in the lobby. Come on.'

- Here we are. - Yeah.

Yes, the first Strudel's bloodline

was always slightly better than mine.

You see, this one on the left was his mother.

Yes, quite a bit smaller, wouldn't you say

than the... dog we have here?

No, this is fine. I assure you.

- Oh. - Yes.

- A frisky dog... - Everything is fine.

- Here we go. - Yes.

Zuzu.

'I'm on the balcony, darling.'

Oh, good, good.

'Did you enjoy your constitutional with Strudel?'

Oh, yes, yes, it was very refreshing.

Uh, Bruce bought Strudel a new dog.

- A new ball. - A new ball.

Alright.

Makes him feel like a new dog.

Oh, that's lovely.

Go on. Fetch it, uh, Strudel.

It is so calm and peaceful in California, no?

Yes, yes, yes.

Quiet.

Ah-h.

Who's there downstairs? They are downstairs.

I hear them downstairs.

I'm sure it's just another one of those loud parties, your Lord.

No, no. I hear them. I hear them.

They are closing in. You must investigate immediately.

Alright, I'll go have a look.

Oh, they must be having such fun at that party.

Darling, I think I go to my room now. Hmm?

Uh-uh-uh, Strudel... Strudel, come here.

Now I want you to stay right in there. Go on now, fetch.

Goodnight, liebchen.

Goodnight, Strudel.

Goodbye, Strudel.

The map is not here.

She must still have it.

It's her.

Why would she knock on her own door?

'Anybody in there?'

The window.

Go take your message.

- Hurry. - A-ah.

Argh.

'Hello. Everything okay in there?'

Police. Murder. Rape.

No, no, no. No rape. No rape. No rape.

No, no. Shh, Shh.

I'm with the Secret Service.

Secret Service? You understand?

- Hmm. - You do. Good.

You promise you won't scream?

Good.

Secret Service, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Look, look.

Shh-h-h.

Just calm down. See, look.

Bruce Thorpe, United States Secret Service.

Okay?

And I... suppose that's your gun, huh?

Oh, no. I wear a shoulder holster.

Phone.

- Uh, the phone is ringing. - Yeah, it's ringing. Okay.

Hello.

Oh, Homer! Yes.

'We, uh, we don't start shooting until eight o'clock.'

'Just have everybody ready by then.'

No, I-I-I can't right now.

I have a-a Secret Service agent

'who seems to have lost something in my room.'

Okay. Buh-bye.

So... may I ask what you're doing in my room, Mr. Thorpe?

Or is it Agent Thorpe?

Thorpe!

Bruce.

I was up stairs and I heard a commotion down here and...

Do you have any idea what they were after?

I haven't a clue.

Has anything, uh, unusual happened to you today?

Well, I've been dealing with a 150 little actors.

I haven't slept, I haven't eaten

I got into a... wrestling match with the government.

Rollo tells me someone's trying to steal my script.

I don't have time to change my dress.

I can certainly help out with the dress part.

I'm sure you can.

Let me ask you something.

Did you say that somebody was trying to steal your script?

Yeah, Rollo.

He mentioned a German film company

was trying to steal it. But that doesn't make any sense.

It might. Do you mind if I take a look?

Help yourself.

Here you go.

Miss Clark?

Thank you.

Miss Clark.

I have got a 150 little headaches

destroying my hotel. I haven't eaten...

This is where I came in. Sorry for interrupting.

...I haven't slept, the hotel is running out of toilet paper.

- Help me, help me. - I'm gonna help you, I'm coming.

Thorpe and the girl with the script

and the old couple, they're all spies.

Then they all must die.

A-ah!

This sounds like the party.

Don't think so.

A cold shower will wake you up, partner.

One out of ball park.

Yeah...

Look at this! Look at this!

Do you know what would happen if the Board of Health

ever got wind of this?

I'm terribly sorry about all this.

I'm sure the studio will reimburse you for any damages.

I think that would be fair.

Alright. Alright, alright.

'Alright, listen, everybody.'

If you're not out of here and up in you're rooms in five minutes

you're all gonna be fired. Now, is that what you want?

Hey, hey, that apron is hotel property.

Oh, I see.

Hide and seek, huh?

Ah!

Oh, Rollo, I thought at least you had sense

to come in out of the rain.

Oh, sorry, you're not Rollo.

How careless of you to meet me here.

Give me the map.

I know you killed a man for it and I want it.

Killed a man? A map?

Oh, listen, buster, you've already got the part.

Why don't you save it for the cameras?

I want the map.

I recognize that voice from the bathroom.

Miss Clark's in trouble.

Lana, get upstairs to the penthouse and tell that guy Thorpe.

- But what can he do-- - He's a G-Man.

Tell him Miss Clark's in trouble. Now go.

Give me the map.

Fun is fun, but this--

If you don't give me the map

my fun will be cutting you into little pieces.

One

by one...

Oh!

...by one.

Not bad!

Stand back, Miss Clark. I'll take care of this.

You die!

You fool!

I am Otto Kriegling.

Master of the sword.

Yeah, well, I got news for you, buster.

You're gonna have to go through Rollo Sweet.

I plan to.

I warn you, I know how to use one of these.

'I will cut you into little pieces.'

Just like this.

Hmm...

Ha!

Hmm...

Yeah. Thank you.

'And now, I will cut you into little pieces.'

Just like this.

Otto Kriegling!

You die!

I still am the master of the sword.

Uh-uh-uh!

Um-hmm.

You are learning very fast.

I'm through playing.

You dumkopf. You didn't have to do that.

I was winning! I was winning.

Winning your way to early grave.

There's the girl. Don't let her get away.

Once again, you have failed.

Now you will follow me. This way.

- Penthouse floor. - Thank you, Tiny.

Hope this little devil lasts out the evening.

All they had left at the pet shop were sheep.

'Bruce?'

'Oh, good, you found one.'

'Luckily, the Duchess is still asleep.'

Mr. Thorpe! Mr. Thorpe!

Oh, no!

- Annie? - Huh?

Bruce? Oh, Bruce!

Yeah, it's me. You're safe.

- Oh, no, no, wait-- - It's okay. It's me.

You don't understand. I'm trying to get to the door.

Oh, boy.

Also, don't bother. It lock's real tight.

I guess they don't want the meat to run away.

If I could find some light around here, I could probably pick the lock.

- Oh, hello. - Oops! I'm sorry.

Ah. There we are.

Oh, God! Oh, no.

Okay, freeze.

It's alright, it's okay. You're with me, they can't hurt you.

It's alright.

'I can't believe it.'

Oh, God. Oh, God, it's Mr. Akido.

I guess this guy is also with the tourist group.

But this was no heart attack, looks like a bullet hole.

'But he was such a nice man.'

'What are you doing?'

It's an old trick I learned from my father.

'Is he a Secret Service agent too?'

He was.

'He was killed not long ago while on an assignment in the orient.'

Oh... I'm sorry.

Oh, it was in the line of duty.

He was our best agent.

He was out to capture their best agent.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Here you go. - Oh, no...

- Put this on you quick. - Thank you.

Sit down. Okay. Keep warm.

I'll get us out of here.

Do you know who was chasing you, Annie?

Uh...

Uh, a Japanese man and a munchkin with a German accent.

But I-I don't think he was part of our group.

Any recollection of having seen him before?

Well, it's hard to tell. It's been a really hard night.

You're telling me.

Uh... you'll be warmer if we share.

Yeah, of course. Silly of me.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's much better. Thank you very much.

A munchkin with a German accent.

He demanded a map, but I-I don't know anything about a map.

I do.

This must be it.

I found this in your script.

What is it?

Looks like a damn good map of our mainland military defenses.

This is a real thing, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a real thing.

You must lead an exciting life.

Well, not... not until now really.

Let's get it warmer in here.

There we go. That's much better.

Much warmer.

It's a lot warmer when it's dark.

When it's dark, you'll see.

Keep breathing at each other.

Let's keep our lips warm, at least.

My lips are very warm.

What a day.

'Bruce?'

'Yes?'

Compliments of the house.

Oh, how, uh, how very kind.

Yes, over here.

For 25 years I've waited for this day.

Oh, thank you.

At last, I will avenge... the honor of my father.

You... must die!

So... it's you!

My father

missed your father at Sarajevo

but it was not his fault.

He took the wrong bus.

But why... Help!

...kill me?

Because you are the last Ferdinand

and I am the last De geilo.

Strudel, kill!

Bruce! Bruce! Somebody, Zuzu, come quickly.

Zuzu!

Darling, what is all the commotion?

Oh, why don't you introduce to me your new acquaintance?

May I present the Duchess of Liuchow.

Zuzu, the Assassin.

The what?

- The Assassin. - The Assassin?

I-I-I better go. Darling!

I need to change my clothes. Oh, no.

Leopold, wait for Zuzu.

Fourth floor.

Going down.

'Going down.'

Ho-ho-hold that elevator.

I could have held the elevator, sir.

Hey, you. Come back here with that bucket.

That's my favorite bucket.

'Give me my bucket.'

Now, you must die.

Oh, no, no!

Perhaps your comrades...

will trade the map for your life.

What?

And this will be the bait.

Don't shoot. It's only me.

Oh, Rollo, I thought you were dead.

C'mon. Get her outta here.

Oh, Annie, I'm just glad you're alright.

You're a little early, Rollo.

Sure wish I had the meat hook concession in this place.

Operator!

Operator!

I like this.

Um, no. I-I don't think you have the legs for it.

It'd make a nice tie.

Phew!

I can't get a line out.

We're gonna have to call from my room.

I better get in touch with my superiors.

This could be something big. Mm, thank you.

I'll just be a second.

I'm only thinking of your safety, uh.

If you'd rather stay here.

No, I'd-I'd just as soon stick with you.

A-and your gun.

Leopold, darling.

Liebchen, where are you?

Strudel?

Now, if I could just powder my nose, I'll be ready.

Oh, you know that reminds me, at the train station...

Your Highness, it's me, Bruce.

Bruce, you know the Duke was right.

A real assassin was trying to kill him.

- Hello. - Where? When?

Just a few minutes ago.

The assassin chased the Duke down the stairs.

And Strudel went after them.

Annie, stay with the Duchess. Don't let anybody in.

Don't you worry. I'll find the Duke.

Oh, okay.

I'm sure he'll find him.

Oh, without my Leopold, my life would be empty.

Oh, no.

No, I must find him!

Oh, Leopold. Leopold!

But Bruce said to stay here.

Here he is.

Oh. Hi, ladies.

Wanna go to a party?

Party? No. I never party while I'm on duty.

But there's gonna be booze and women.

Well, I guess it is my duty to check this party out.

Hey, uh, where is this party anyway?

- We thought you'd know a place. - Which floor?

Ballroom.

I'm sorry, I didn't think I was crowding you.

Going down.

- Alright, get up that rope. - No, no, no, let me go.

Look! Isn't that Strudel?

Is that my Strudel?

That's my Strudel. Strudel, darling.

Oh, it's Leopold.

Liebchen!

Are you alright, dear?

Ah.

How fortunate.

'We meet again.'

'Agent Thorpe should be here very soon.'

- Bruce! Bruce! - Rollo.

I looked every place. Can't find that stinking Nazi anywhere.

We've got bigger problems. The Duke is missing.

Yoo-hoo!

We're gonna have to turn this place upside down.

Listen, uh, grab us some help and meet me in the lobby. Can you do that?

- You got it, chief. - Good boy.

Come with me. We've to go down to the lobby right now. C'mon, all of you.

Thanks a lot, honey.

Hey, girls. I think this should help, huh?

What do you think? Are we gonna have fun?

Let me go. Hey, that hurt.

You're gonna break those!

'Four twenty eight!'

Hey, you're not supposed to be in there!

'You can't be operating that alone.'

Otis.

Otis!

Hey, get down out of there. You're gonna hurt yourself.

Otis! Go recapture your elevator!

I can take care of this.

Fellas, fellas, this equipment can't stay here.

Now, you've gotta move it.

It's blocking everything. Out! Out! Out!

'Hey, hey!'

Hey, monkeys! You can't be up there now. You must get down.

'There are ordinances about this kind of thing.'

And that goes for you too.

Thank god, you're tall.

'This chandelier cannot hold the weight of three people.'

'I need you down.'

Henry!

- Henry! - What?

Have you seen the Duke?

All I see, Mr. Thorpe, is my future going down the drain.

Great!

Find that worthless lout of a house detective, would you?

I need help.

Strudel! Here, Strudel.

Hey, hey, hey, what's the matter, boy?

Where's the Duke?

What's going on around here?

Silence!

'Mr. Thorpe, you're in luck.'

Our special for today is a close shave.

Bruce, behind you.

Drop your gun. This camera shoots more than film.

'Bruce, do as they say.'

'These are the spies that are after the map.'

- What? - Aha!

You will cooperate or I'll blow your brains out.

You must get down from there.

'Those chandeliers are expensive.'

- 'Come on, buddy.' - Yeah, come on.

'Come on, buddy.'

Alright guys, the next one gets it.

You are bad little people.

You deserve to be short.

This is just what we need, you know.

Hey, what are you guys doing in here?

Nothing. We're just borrowing a little cable.

Yeah, well, you make sure you bring it back, you hear?

- Okay. - Trust nobody.

Talking about the cable. The cable!

Hey, Henry. I found the elevator.

Hey, watch it, bub.

Hey, hey, hey!

- 'Hey, hey.' - No time for pygmy perversion.

There was nothing in there anyway.

Oh, that is rude!

- You! - Mm-hmm?

- Stand up. - Yes, sir.

Oh, Strudel. My darling, Strudel.

Now, empty your pockets.

What are you going to do with my Strudel?

We don't need this swineherd.

'You're gonna get in big trouble for this.'

Mr. Thorpe.

I want you to know

I was one of the last persons to see your father.

'He was good agent. But I am better.'

You and your friends will meet same end unless I get the map.

The map?

- What map? - Give me the map.

What map?

I don't want you to die over some stupid map.

'Tell them where it is.'

Never!

'We will see about that.'

Oh, that map. Uh, I hid it in Strudel's locket.

Don't play games. We want the map.

No, no games. No games. Strudel's the dog.

It's the locket around the neck.

I put it in the locket and... Strudel.

Uh, you mean, the dog that left?

No, the dog you threw out, sir.

You lie, you die.

Go get the dog... or you die.

Ah-ha! There you are.

Nice doggie. Ah-huh, come here.

Come here, boy.

Alright now, that guy upstairs, Thorpe?

He's a G-Man and he's asked us for our help.

Yeah, and we'll all be Junior G-Men.

'Lamebrain!'

Don't you know when they're trying to pull a short joke on ya?

Come on, gang. The party's at my floor.

You're wrong, Smokey.

'He's wrong. Thorpe's on the level.'

'I've seen his identification.'

'He's the real McCoy.'

Ah! Nice swineherd.

'I'm telling you, there's a bad apple in this barrel.'

'A little guy who's dressed like me.'

- Come to Uncle Otto. - 'But he's a Nazi spy, after

some kind of secret map.'

- Come. - 'He threatened Ms. Clark.'

'And then he tried to kill me.'

It's true.

- Look, there he is. - 'There he is.'

That's the guy with the dog. He tried to kill me.

Let's get him.

Let's get him.

There he goes.

If you catch him, he's mine.

Perfect.

A midget posse. That's what was missing.

Hey, how you doing?

Oh, fine, just fine. Can I help you?

Yeah. Is this where Ms. Clark wants the dog auditions?

Sure. Why not?

Okay.

Come on.

Come on.

Get me down.

I forgot my beer.

Tiny?

'Henry.'

Tiny, where the hell are you?

Get over here, I need you.

'I can't.'

I'm tied up right now.

Yeah?

Well, see if you can shake yourself loose.

And bring a ladder, will you?

Wait, Henry.

I think I hear somebody coming right now.

Well, I see nothing has changed.

This place is still the same old morgue.

You take the rest of the day off.

- You could probably use the rest. - 'Mm-hmm.'

'Hotel Rainbow?'

What the hell is going on here?

That nephew of mine is getting...

He's getting away.

You're a little early for work, aren't you?

That guy is a Nazi spy. Don't let him get out.

Okay, guys, we got him trapped.

Wedgie, get back to the hotel and get that guy Thorpe.

Roger.

Alright guys, you ready to get us a Nazi?

Yeah!

Let's go.

'If we get the map, perhaps we will allow you to live.'

You'll never get away with this. And you know it.

We can. And we will.

Yes, but what do you want with me?

I have never even been to the Orient.

I know nothing about this map.

I am the Duke of Luchow.

Vengeance lands upon your fathers house.

Picture? Gracias.

Liebchen, are you alright?

Darling.

- Do you know that man? - Never saw him before.

Well, whoever he is, he saved the Duke's life.

- Yes, yes, he did. - No, no, sir, that man did.

No, he was the real assassin.

But he will haunt me no more.

I am a free man.

Oh, darling, you were so brave.

Yes, I was.

Mr. Thorpe?

Thorpe?

Mr. Thorpe?

I'm Thorpe. What is it?

We've got the spy trapped on the movie lot. Come quick.

'Hurry.'

The lot? Oh, my God!

Well, wait for me.

Excuse me, sailor.

Alright, ready orchestra.

Standby camera.

- 'I said stop.' - And...

Out of my way.

'That's alright. We'll wait.'

Ah!

Give me the map. Come on, give me the map.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Bring it back! Come back here! Come back!

A-ah!

A-ah! A-ah!

I have a feeling our little group has been here.

I've seen their work.

They're not going to be easy to find.

This place is over 50 acres.

Follow the donuts.

- Roll camera. - Roll camera!

Gone With The Wind. Scene 388. Take one. Marker.

Action.

Action!

Ah!

Miss Scarlett, Miss Scarlett!

I think I see the Union Army coming.

Cut. Cut.

- Cut. Cut! - Cut!

Aha!

Here doggie. Here doggie. Come to Uncle Otto.

Hey Victor, I think you should leave this scene in the picture.

Victory.

There he is. Get him.

Get him out!

Whoa!

Don't let him get away.

'Don't let him get away.'

Follow that bus.

Alright, everybody. Standby.

Watch it!

Yee-haw!

Yah!

A-ah!

'Get up. Give me a hand with this. Come on, somebody...'

I-I-I can't reach.

I can't see anybody here.

I'll never be able to explain this to my boss.

I'll explain it to your boss.

Don't worry. When I explain it to him, you'll get a promotion. Trust me.

He'll never believe it. I just know he won't believe it.

I don't even know if I believe it.

- Look, there's Strudel. - Annie, we don't need Strudel.

He's got the map.

No, he doesn't. I have it.

But you said you hid it in Strudel's locket.

I lied.

Thank you.

I have the map.

You lie.

'You die.'

Look out.

Hey, slow down.

Jesus, did you see that?

Now what?

Uh-oh!

Annie, get out of the way.

Turn it.

- I can't turn this thing. - Jesus!

'Will he be alright?'

'I'm just an old horse doctor, but I think he'll be fine.'

- What happened? - Oh, you had a nasty fall.

Timmy saw you fall in the wagons, and he carried you in here.

'The glorious sunshine of hope...'

I owe you one, Timmy.

No, I owe you one, Rollo.

I thought you were dead, so I ate your dinner.

Rousing speech.

You were right, Rollo, things are looking up.

I can start my business again.

Yes, and with the highway project going through

there's gonna be work for everybody.

That's swell!

Hey, this calls for a celebration, and I'm buyin'.

And tonight, I will bake you your favorite strudel.

Sorry, you missed the President's speech, Rollo.

Oh, yes, and you worked so hard to get the aerial up.

I did hear it, or did I dream that too?

Well, it was inspiring.

Sure was.

Well, doc, do you think he can travel?

- Travel? - Oh, I think so.

- Come on. - Where are we going?

To the bus.

- A bus? - Mm-hmm.

- I dreamed that. - Is that so?

Well.

Take a look at a dream come true.

Rollo, you're going to Hollywood.

Hey.

Here he is.

Hey. How you doing?

See, I told you I'd find him. I'd like you to meet Rollo Sweet.

Perfect.

Homer Hinkle, Hollywood.

Wouldn't now be a good time to put up the new sign?

Okay.

Hey, didn't you get that letter we wrote you?

No, I looked in the post office every day.

- Rollo. - Excuse me.

You're not gonna believe this.

I'm gonna put you in the movies.

'Hold it. Hold it.'

The name's Zemeyer... Elzemeyer.

Agent to the stars.

Stick with me, son, and I'll take you to the top.

Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

Time's a wasting now. Get up on in here.

Got a deadline.

We're going to Hollywood.

Well, you always said, "No dream is too big."

And no dreamer too small.

I'm real proud of you.

- I'm gonna miss ya, Annie. - I'll miss you too.

Hey, don't be such a big movie star, you miss the wedding, huh?

I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Alright. Good luck.

Thanks.

- Goodbye. - 'Buh-bye.'

Bye.

So long, Rollo.

Come back if you need to.

There's always room under the rainbow.

Bye, Rollo.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Would you excuse us, please?

Go on, go, fetch.

A-ah!

Oh, my...

Ah, he's fine.

["We Always Knew You Knew You Could"]

♪ We are the little bunch, you know ♪

♪ We are here to sing the song ♪

♪ We'll be good So follow us ♪

♪ Don't miss the bus Don't miss the bus ♪

♪ Follow your dreams and you'll go far ♪

♪ You might even be a star ♪

♪ We always knew you knew you could ♪

♪ Be a big star in Hollywood ♪

♪ Life is a movie Life's a play ♪

♪ We're all part of a big parade ♪

♪ Come along and join the show ♪

♪ It's off to Tinseltown we go ♪

♪ Don't be tardy Don't be late ♪

♪ This may be your biggest break ♪

♪ You always knew we knew you could ♪

♪ Be a big shot in Hollywood ♪

["Things Are Looking Up Today"]

♪ Pardon me, Bob Can you spare me a dime ♪

♪ I'm a little short changed ♪

♪ Otherwise, I'm fine ♪

♪ Times are gettin' better ♪

♪ Things are goin' my way ♪

♪ But I could use a cup of jive-a-Jack to start my day ♪

♪ Things are looking up today ♪

♪ How could they be any other way ♪

♪ How am I flyin' ♪

♪ I'm flyin' high ♪

♪ Ah, this little guy ♪

♪ Ain't no small fry ♪

♪ Gonna pack my bags ♪

♪ Gonna grab a half a pint ♪

♪ And I'll be in California by Saturday night ♪

♪ Life's a bowl of cherries ♪

♪ If you throw away the pits ♪

♪ And a bowl of duck soup is just two bits ♪

♪ Things are looking up today ♪

♪ How could they be any other way ♪

♪ How am I flyin' ♪

♪ I'm flyin' high ♪

♪ Ah, this little guy ♪

♪ Ain't no small fry ♪

♪ So you better quit your jivin', Jack ♪

♪ And get off your tail ♪

♪ Hit the yellow brick road ♪

♪ Or hit the rails ♪

♪ Follow that rainbow ♪

♪ Follow the star ♪

♪ 'Cause the bigger the dream the bigger you are ♪

♪ Follow the road And you will fall ♪

♪ All for one and one for all ♪

♪ If it's sunny don't dismay There's a rainbow on the way ♪

♪ Free advice we're giving you From a different point of view ♪

♪ We always knew you knew could ♪

♪ Hit it big in Hollywood ♪

♪ Character actors aren't the news ♪

♪ Things are looking up for you ♪

♪ Don't be so sorry to follow your heart ♪

♪ Don't be too tense to play your parts ♪

♪ Nothing's too small and nothing's too far ♪

♪ Follow the road and you're a star ♪

♪ We always knew you knew you could ♪

♪ Be a big star in Hollywood ♪