Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, please. Your attention.

I think you all know our guest of honour.

Our Congressman, Jeff Johnson, and Vera Johnson,

his gracious wife.

Jeff is recovered from a triple bypass operation. Doesn't he look great?

I never felt better.

Before I turn the floor over to the Congressman,

I'd like to thank Mr and Mrs Zeke Bridges for the use of their lovely home.

Thank you Zeke. Now, ladies and gentlemen, in the 20 years...

Son of a bitch.

- Seems our host's work is never done. - [laughter]

In the 20 years

that Jefferson Johnson has been our Congressman...

- Excuse me. Pardon me. - his door has always been open to us.

Excuse me.

One bourbon sour, straight up,

and one Gibson, no onion, two spritzers and a Löwenbräu.

Allow me to light that for you. Hold this for me, sir.

The way your hair matches your eyes, I can't control myself. I'll get those drinks.

I can't believe you're Inga. You don't look Swedish.

- You're so different from your picture. - That wasn't me on the TV.

But that sure was me on the telephone.

You want me to prove it, Zeke?

You told me you wanted me to tie you up

and beat you with...

My God, that was on the phone!

I never thought you'd be in my house.

- You've got to get out of here. - But you told me you wanted me.

You told me to quit my job, and now, honey, here I am.

Not now, waiter.

I'll handle this. You! Hands in the air. Do it!

Sergeant Brown, vice squad. Undercover.

I know who you are, pig!

Shut up! You're under arrest.

- What's going on? - You're the target of a gang of con artists.

It started when you called Girls of Many Nations Party Line

for phone sex.

You put it on your credit card to hide it from your wife. Big mistake.

The gang used your credit card number to find out all about you.

They wait until the victim's having a big party

and will pay big money to avoid embarrassment.

Embarrassment? Son of a bitch! This goes beyond embarrassment!

A hundred of my best friends paid $1,000 apiece

to meet Congressman Johnson.

Not to mention the fact that my wife is probably looking for me.

That is what they are depending on.

Any second now a huge Latino will burst in pretending he's an outraged husband

Inga!

- What are you doing with my wife?! - It's OK, Alice.

Rum and coke.

Don't let anyone else in, please.

- Did he touch you? - I got your rum and coke.

There. She can drink it with you!

[shouting in Spanish]

See how they were gonna con you out of your money?

But I know better.

I know you're a courageous citizen, and you're gonna testify.

I can't testify!

Sure you can. All you've done was phone sex.

He wanted me to spank him with a wet garter belt.

Oh, no, no.

That is between you and the freak. I don't even want to hear it.

Freak?

I got a tape in the car. You wanna hear it?

No, no, thank you very much.

They're trying to intimidate you by telling you they have an audio tape.

You're not intimidating him. He's going to testify.

He's been married 20, 30 years. His wife knows he's a freak already.

Freak? Sergeant Brown, I have to talk to you in private, please.

I can't leave the suspects by themselves.

Well, let's lock 'em in the crapper.

Come on, move into the bathroom.

Come on! Move it!

[Spanish]

You've all met my assistant, Kimberly.

Kimberly and my fine staff along with myself

will be available to you 24 hours a day.

I'm proud to be your man in Washington.

I plan to keep going back as long as you keep sending me.

Please listen. I'm the chairman of a large insurance company.

I know your chief, Sergeant Brown.

Help me, and you'll be Lieutenant Brown. Just get these people out of here.

I know these people.

If you let them go, they'll just blackmail you.

I don't care. What do they want?

Going by their other victims, about $5,000.

OK.

That's $5,000 each.

OK.

You know there's four people in the gang.

$20,000?

- That's why you should testify. - No, I can't.

- Please put your money away, sir. - I don't have that much cash.

I've only got $12,000.

And there's four people in the gang.

Wait a minute. My Rolex.

Oh, no. Please, sir.

- It's worth $10,000. - I don't want to take your watch.

- Besides, they want cash. - Take the money! Take the watch!

Get them out of here and get that tape!

This goes against my every principle.

Don't you look wonderful? Nice to see you.

Hey, how's that knee?

[shouting in Spanish]

Inga will miss you.

Why are you locking me in?

I don't want you to give them the money until I get the tape. Come with me.

Chief!

By golly, am I glad to see you.

I'm sorry I'm late. I had an emergency.

You know Sergeant...

Where did he go? Sergeant Brown, the vice squad.

We don't have a vice squad.

You don't have a...

Son of a bitch!

Waiter, where's my bourbon sour?

You must think I'm Karim. He stiff you on your drinks?

He fired. Karim! Wait back there.

Where's this woman's drink? This woman's thirsty!

Olaf, I'm thinking of retiring from Congress.

You can't retire. You just promised to run again!

That was a political promise. You know better than to believe that.

Zeke, come here.

Did you see a waiter come by here?

No, but Zeke, I need your help. Hey!

- What's got into Zeke? - Damned if I know.

Jeff, you know you got the best job in the world, don't you?

You get to go hunting and fishing in the best resorts

and you call it official business.

And there's no aphrodisiac like power.

Are you tired of having the most beautiful women in this country?

The joy's gone out of Congress. That perks thing was the last straw.

Who needs the aggravation?

You can't retire.

If I retire this year, I keep the $1.3m left in my campaign fund.

It's called the grandfather loophole.

All right, Jeff. I got it.

Come here.

There's this small software company that's about to go through the roof.

Buy a few thousand dollars-worth of stock options.

It'll bring in half a million, easy. That's just for openers.

If you put it like that,

I suppose I have a duty to continue my career in public service.

Duty! You're something else, Jeff!

I am definitely in the wrong business.

Son of a bitch!

Well?

Son of a bitch!

[passionate grunting]

Kimberly!

Oh, Congressman!

You're so good!

Oh, I've got a cramp!

It's OK, don't stop!

Oh, God, yes!

Oh, Congressman!

Oh, now! Now!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

It was my honour

to serve with Jeff Johnson in Congress for a generation.

No-one was a better legislator or a better husband. We're gonna miss him.

But we are grateful his passing was peaceful.

The consummate public servant, working late into the night at his desk.

Vera, let me talk to you for a minute.

Now, I know that you're still in shock over Jeff's passing,

but we need to talk about his seat.

We do?

I would like for you to run for Congress.

With your name you can't lose. Mrs Jeff Johnson would win in a walk.

Dick, I've been a Washington wife for 20 years.

That's enough bullshit for one lifetime.

I'd help. I'd be running the office night and day.

I'm sure, but I couldn't give you the kind of job satisfaction Jeff did.

How did I end up with a thief for a grandson?

Hey! Thieves steal, I con. All right?

I'm an artist. A con artist.

Look! There's the new ad!

I am Inga.

I am here from Sweden...

And I'm so lonely.

I need a man.

So do my girlfriends.

Maria, my hot-blooded Spanish friend.

Babette, the Parisian pussycat. And many others.

I hope you sprain your lips from doing this.

I hope your lip muscles freeze up.

So call the Girls of Many Nations.

[Swedish lilt] What do you think of my accent, Grandma?

- Very, very good. - [phone rings]

Thank you for calling Girls of Many Nations.

For hot-blooded Italian wildcats, press one now.

For perky American cheerleaders, press two now.

For a busty Swedish love goddess, press three now.

- [bleep] - Another customer for Inga.

Don't you dare talk to that man!

[falsetto] Hello, this is Inga.

Hello, Paul, how are you?

[titters]

Do you have Mastercard?

If you don't hang up that phone I will flush it down the toilet!

No, Paul. Call me later, please.

This is my business!

You are not only a con man, you get your cousin Loretta

to help you by talking dirty? Shame on you!

You mad cos you can't show my picture round the pool no more?

Of course not.

Look what these arthritic hands have been doing.

What are you awwing for? Why do you keep using my middle name?

It sounds like a tap dancer.

Make me proud of you, Thomas, proud of the name you carry.

I'm Ned Grable, vice president and general manager of WFL.

We think Mrs Jeff Johnson was right in not running for

the Congressional seat left vacant by her husband's death.

Jeff Johnson's name may still be magic,

but it'll take more than the magic of name recognition

to solve our region's problems. I'm Ned Grable.

Name recognition! Lordy, what a notion!

People would have to be some kind of boobs

just to vote for somebody cos their name was Johnson.

Once back in Georgia, they even elected a dead man.

His name was still on the ballot and folks were just used to voting for him.

OK. Bye-bye.

My friends, I wanna tell you about a town

where the streets are paved with gold.

Where the marks will take you to dinner after you fuck 'em.

Where if they run out of money, they just print more.

In this town a cat bounced 900 cheques and didn't even go to jail.

- You mean Las Vegas? - No.

He's talking about Washington DC.

I... You ready for this?

I am running for Congress.

- Is this a joke? - What's the con, T?

I don't get it.

Yo, Van Dyke, you remember Willie Sutton?

My hero.

What did he say when they asked him how come he robbed banks?

- That's where the money is. - Exactly.

Washington DC. That's where the money is.

I have been doing some research in the library.

Newly elected Congressmen get $130,000 a year. That's their base salary.

Then they have PACs - Political Action Committees.

Then there are these lobbyists whose whole point in life is to buy you off.

And it's totally legal.

It's the con of a lifetime. We can do this shit!

Who's "we", white man?

Us! If I get elected, I gotta have a staff.

I get a staff allowance. It says here...

a staff allowance of $537,000.

Damn!

I get that kind of cash, I split it with my homies.

How are you gonna get your butt to Congress?

Why the hell would anybody vote for you?

They're not voting for me, they're voting for name recognition.

The Congressman was Jeff Johnson. I'm Thomas Jefferson Johnson.

Cut off the Thomas, shorten the Jefferson...

Nobody knows their Congressman is dead. Who knows? Who cares?

If I get on the ballot as Jeff Johnson, nobody's gonna know.

How do you get on the ballot?

That's where you all come into play, my friends, I need...

5,625 signatures.

I knew this "we" shit had a catch.

You got a better plan?

I do.

Who are these Silver Foxes? Old people who just like to vote?

It's a political party - with their own line on the ballot.

They already got the signatures.

- May I help you? - Good afternoon.

We have an appointment to see Hattie Rifkin.

You wanna talk politics, talk.

We was wondering... who are you gonna run for Congress this year?

The usual sacrificial lamb.

Probably Sylvia Roland.

She lost her husband. She needs to meet new people.

Why?

I'd like to run on the Silver Fox's ticket. I care about your issues.

That's what my son says. But does he call?

Why would we support a man who hasn't clipped his first nose hair yet?

Because I can win.

No, no. A Republican can win.

A Democrat can win. A Silver Fox can only make a symbolic point.

If you get me on your ballot line,

and if you give me the support...

If, if. [speaks Yiddish]

But... [continues in Yiddish]

What's all this?

She said if my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.

I told her God never told nobody to be stupid.

Where the hell did you learn Yiddish?

From Morris Elfbein, the Gin King of Miami Beach.

He also taught me you don't always have to have the best cards to win.

Maybe not in gin, but in politics you need money to win.

You need a name to win.

I do have a name.

What? You're an athlete?

You're not on MTV, are you?

My name is Johnson.

Jeff Johnson.

The name you know.

Jeff Johnson?

That's a name even our Alzheimer's group will remember!

I'm not quite sure I understand, Professor Franklin.

You did your doctoral thesis on my husband?

Yes, Mrs Johnson. Your husband did so much to help my people.

I remember the time he said that welfare is a drug

and you have to kick it like cold turkey.

At the time I was on welfare, and I did just that.

- It inspired me to get on with my life. - Well, I'm sure if you rely on...

I was actually in the audience when he said,

"If you people just get off your dead asses and go out and look for work,

maybe America would be a decent place again."

That inspired me. It made me move my ass.

I have a poster of that on my wall.

I show it to all my relatives and friends - negroes.

Really? Well, it's very kind of you to come all the way from... where was it?

The Wilson Pickett State Teachers' College.

But I didn't just come here to pay my respects to your husband.

I came because your husband deserves an archive

where students can study his legacy.

- So you want his papers? - Not just his papers, ma'am.

Buttons and posters and bumper stickers...

All the campaign paraphernalia you can spare.

I know you may have a sentimental attachment to them...

- Take 'em. - Pardon me?

Take 'em all. Do you want the wedding photos, too?

- I don't know if that's necessary. - That's lucky.

You won't have to root around in the garbage.

Ah.

You're in pretty good shape for a professor.

Do you work out?

- Why, yes. Do you? - Why, yes.

Are you sure you don't want to come to Washington with us, Homer?

I got a business to run.

- Bye-bye. - Hello?

Who?

League of Women Voters?

No, Mr Johnson will not attend the debate.

I'm sorry, I cannot tie up this line.

Thank you.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Star-Ledger? No, we're fresh out of photographs of Mr Johnson.

No, you can't. He's just had surgery for a deviated septum.

Thank you.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Ja, this is Inga.

Cast your vote for Jeff Johnson.

Good old Jeff! The name that you can trust.

The name that you know.

Jeff Johnson.

[Chinese accent] Why you no vote Jeff Johnson? He the name you know.

Vote for Jeff Johnson!

Hey, you, eating the greens. Hey, you on the corn bread.

Put that down and vote for Jeff Johnson, the name you know.

You know he's good. Jeff is good, just like them greens. Jeff and greens.

When you think greens, think Jeff Johnson.

In this meshuggeneh world, you gotta vote for Jeff Johnson.

I don't know why I got to drive through here and tell you this. You should know.

Vote for Jeff because he's a good person.

What, are you crazy?

We won't show you Jeff Johnson waving a flag or kissing babies.

We're not gonna show him doing anything

because you already know what Jeff Johnson can do.

Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson, the name you know.

- That sound white enough? - That was very white.

That's chilling, actually. I almost scared myself.

Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson, the name you know.

Who do we vote for for Congress?

- Don't we always vote for Johnson? - That's it, Johnson.

Our exit polls predict that in Florida

an unknown independent candidate whose sole asset appears to be his name

may just possibly win a slim victory.

Is that him?

I believe that Congressman-elect Johnson has just arrived.

We need to get through, please.

Wait a minute! Hey! Hey!

Thank you! Thank you so much.

People, we ran...

a positive campaign.

We campaigned on the issue.

And the issue is change.

Change for the future.

The people have spoken.

Ask not what your country can do for you.

You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

If you can't stand the heat,

get out of the kitchen.

Live free or die.

And in conclusion,

read my lips.

Mira, mira.

The promised land.

Congressman Johnson?

Congressman Johnson, Arthur Reinhardt.

You don't remember me.

I was Congressman Johnson's administrative assistant.

I Fedexed you all that material down in Florida.

Yeah, yeah. You look just like I thought you would look.

See his little wing-tip shoes?

Why... thank you.

I hope you don't think I'm out of line for meeting you.

I thought you might need some help with logistics, settling in.

Since you didn't make it to the seminar for freshman Congressmen,

I put together a set of their papers for you.

Thank you, Reinhardt, but I've never been much of a student.

But you can brief my staff on that.

Hey, staff, what hotel are we staying at?

You booked the hotel?

- Talk to him. - You booked the hotel?

What hotel? Nobody told me about no damn hotel.

Uh...

Staff obviously failed to nail some vital details, so...

Jeez, the World Bank's in town. Where will we find you a room?

I'll kick your ass.

You got to be firm with the staff sometimes.

I got lucky at the Hay-Adams. There was a coup in Uruguay.

- Qué? - What?

[corrects pronunciation]

Their delegation just checked out.

You're a wizard. I knew we could count on you.

- You got that? - Yes, sir.

[Loretta] Careful with that bag.

Say, Congressman?

I'd like to ask you something.

I would appreciate it if you would consider me to be your AA.

That's very nice of you. That's a very decent gesture.

But listen. I'm a social drinker. I don't hit the bottle very much.

No, no.

- Administrative assistant. - Oh.

I used to work for Congressman Johnson.

And I would like to work for you, Congressman Johnson.

Sort of like an affirmative action thing?

Only kidding. I got your résumé. I'll call you.

I'll look forward to hearing from you.

Ooh, baby!

[secretary] Congressman Corwin's office.

Members only.

Congressman Johnson's office.

I hate to be the one to tell you, but Congressman Johnson died.

I'm the new Congressman Johnson and this is my staff.

I'm sorry. I didn't see your pin.

In fact, I still don't see your pin.

- What pin? - Your member of Congress pin.

I'll have to look you up.

I'm in the book under Johnson, Thomas Johnson.

Congressman.

"Thomas Jefferson Johnson."

I'm the man.

"No picture available.”

Wait. I have my driver's licence. I got the picture in late.

If I can get it out.

Driver's licence.

See? Same cat.

How could I ever have doubted you(?) Where to?

We're going up to 518.

The elevator only goes to four. You have to take the stairs from there.

Will you be grabbing my ass like old Congressman Johnson?

I would never grab your ass!

You said that awful fast. What's wrong with my ass?

Nothing. I'm just... uh...

It's just... I'm the new Congressman.

I ain't gonna be doing those old things he did.

I ain't gonna grab nobody's old ass. I mean, nobody's ass.

I think we're on the fourth floor.

I'll grab it.

The stairs are to the right. Enjoy.

Later, baby.

Wait here a second.

Good morning, Congressman.

What is this shithole, man? What is this?

Oh. Um...

You missed the freshman lottery for offices.

They assign them by draw.

You didn't show, so you got the worst office in Congress.

What lottery?

It was all in those briefing books I mailed you.

What else have we missed?

Are you hiring me, Congressman?

- It's a shakedown! - Excuse me?

Oh-ho-ho!

You're shaking me down, aren't you?

I'm gonna love this town.

I've been here five minutes and you're already shaking me down.

All right, you're hired.

Fill me in. I don't wanna miss none of the good shit.

Let's go meet the natives.

Can you be a little more elegant than that? Shaking your ass and shit.

Hey, how you doing? Thomas Johnson.

Rafe Simon. Freshman from Tulsa.

- This is Bo Chandler from... - Lufkin, Texas.

Great party.

You're Jeff Johnson, the guy from Florida.

That's me.

The rest of us were out there campaigning, raising money, kissing ass,

dragging our butts from place to place,

and he slides in on pure name recognition.

Let me tell you something, Jeff.

Fucking brilliant!

I thought I was gonna have to kill somebody.

Hey, thanks a lot.

Jeff is my working name. My name is Thomas. This is my cousin, Loretta.

How do you do?

What were you guys before you got elected? Lawyers?

No. I did morning weather and traffic for KTOK in Tulsa.

You don't remember me? Tight end for the Oilers?

- My knee kicked out on me. - Oh, yes!

I always wondered what happened to you.

- Stop by my reception. - But not before you go to mine.

I'll be very offended if you don't come by my reception.

I guess you'll have to have a reception.

I guess we'll have to have something. Shit, I didn't know about that.

I love the way everyone calls you a member in this town.

Every time I hear that name, it makes me think about Mr Happy.

Watch them sprinkles!

There's piss shooting every place.

I got a sprinkler, too. Back at you!

Mike Hoyt, Iowa.

Thomas Johnson, Florida.

How did you wind up in DC? Did you do the crop report on TV?

I owe it all to the Vietnamese.

Oh, you're a war hero?

A PoW.

When I got home, I spent so many years telling the Rotary Club

what was wrong in Washington, they told me to either put up or shut up.

So I put up, and here I am.

What's wrong with Washington? Washington's great.

We got acid rain.

Topsoil's being washed away.

There's chemicals in the livestock...

God, I sound like a Boy Scout.

No, it's kinda nice. This town could use a few geeks like you.

Hi.

Pete Slocum, Asbestos Information Institute.

Ken Korngold, Distilled Spirits Association.

Paul Zeckhauser, American Tobacco Council.

I hope you can all come to my reception. You all know Miss Loretta from my office?

Jerry Corrigan.

Soon I saw how you got elected, I knew you were a real comer.

Hell, I bet Olaf Andersen voted for you.

Who's Olaf Andersen?

Fellow on the left up there. Chairman, Gulf Coast Power.

Constituent of yours, client of mine.

Pays the rent, know what I mean?

Could I host a fundraiser for you?

Down at my law firm?

Absolutely.

At $500 a head, you could pick up 20, 25 grand. Help you get started.

How much of that do you get?

Doesn't come off the top.

I'll bill each of them $500 an hour whenever I take you to lunch.

Terry, you and I are gonna be so close.

I want to welcome the new members to Washington.

We haven't had a freshman class this big in a long time.

[laughter]

Congress needs your new blood and you are gonna need new friends.

That's why tonight we unite the two great pillars of our system,

political and financial.

Congress has taken many hits of late.

But look around you.

The people here tonight are the ones that have stood behind us.

They will be invaluable to you in your next campaign,

which is less than two years away.

This is our system of checks and balances at its very finest.

Dick Dodge from your home state. Gonna run for Speaker.

Raises more money than any other member.

Of course, he's on the right committee, which makes all the difference.

Yeah, of course.

But I'm not telling you anything new.

No, he's on the right committee, so that makes all the difference.

Not just on the committee - he's chairman of it.

The big boys line up to take numbers

to throw money his way.

No shit?

Oh...

Mr Johnson?

It's customary for the new members to visit us old fogies in the leadership.

Especially from your home state.

I would have, but I just got in town. I'm sorry, man.

You can make up for it by having a nightcap with me.

- Absolutely. - Can I have my car take you home?

Mr Chairman, you ain't gonna start no homo shit, are you?

- Cos I ain't with it. -Oh?

No, no. But that's good thinking. I'm impressed by your instincts.

I didn't want to have to whip your ass or anything.

Tell me, Mr Johnson, why did you come to Washington?

Well, it's an opportunity to do something for my country...

Let's cut the bullshit.

I saw how you got elected.

Flukes like you are either nutcases or troublemakers.

I just want to know which one I've got on my hands.

Why did you run for Congress?

- No bullshit? - No bullshit.

We got this whole topsoil problem.

Acid rain is killing cattle...

[banging on door]

Yes? What... what...

Reinhardt!

Wake up!

What is the name of that committee Dick Dodge is chairman of?

This is a surprise.

Spit it out. What's the name of the committee?

Come on, come on!

Uh...

Oh.

Power and Industry.

Is something wrong with the hotel?

No. This Power and Industry - this is a good thing, right?

Yes. They call it the honey pot.

Each member is lobbied by every cash-rich trade group in town.

It's 2.40am. Did you realise that?

We're public servants. Time means nothing to us, right?

How do I get on this committee?

That would be seniority.

After six terms in office, say 12 years of service,

your name moves along the list.

Before you know it, you're off Fisheries, and on to Power and Industry.

Can this wait? I'm more coherent in the morning.

You're doing fine. How can I get on this committee immediately?

OK, OK. All right. Immediately.

Within, say,

your next four years?

Immediately like in my first four days.

I know you're a smart guy.

You may be wearing fire engine boxer shorts, but I have faith in you.

I'm counting on you.

Talk to me, Reinhardt.

I don't think it's possible, sir. It would be unprecedented

for a freshman Congressman to be put on to that committee.

Unless...?

Well, only in the most remote hypothetical situation.

Yes?

- This is ridiculous. - For instance.

Well, if the President of the United States were to do you a personal favour.

Or some enormously powerful special interest group.

Chairman Dodge, please.

Tell him it's Mr Joshua Benjamin from the NAACP on the line.

Actually, you'll be a great deal of help. I have a few minor questions.

How many members of the chairman's committee are African-Americans?

None?

I'm sure you have a Latino member?

No Latinos either?

Are there any Asians or Native Americans on the committee?

No Asians and no natives?

Does the chairman have any handicaps or gays on the committee?

No gays?

You've been a great help.

Just forget I even called. Just... tell him I said hi.

OK. Armando, Van Dyke - you guys are up next.

I'll go hit 'em with the Urban League.

And I'll be the Conference of Southern Baptist Bishops.

What do you want me to do?

Oh, hi. We haven't met yet.

I'm Loretta Hicks. Congressman Johnson's office.

Hi. I'm Kimberly Meadows. I work for Chairman Dodge.

Power and Industry! How did you get that job?

I served under the other Congressman Johnson. I had the right experience.

I hope you haven't been bothered by the pickets.

What pickets?

Oh.

Did I let the cat out of the bag?

Are we gonna be picketed?

Promise not to say where you heard this. Not even my Congressman knows.

I promise.

OK. My boyfriend works at the Rainbow Coalition.

And he said...

[phone rings]

Congressman Johnson's office.

Chairman Dodge?

Yes?

OK.

Dodge wants to see you pronto.

So we still haven't lost our touch.

Así!

He should be back in a moment, Congressman Johnson.

- Oh! They're here now. - We haven't met. Eli Hawkins.

How're you doing, brother Eli?

All right! Thomas Johnson.

Yes, I know. The Florida upset.

Now you're here, what are you gonna do with it?

Feather your nest, or make something of your office?

I'll be as good a Congressman as anybody else.

Exactly what does that mean?

Well, ever since I got back from 'Nam,

I've wanted to do something about the rain forests.

Do me a favour. Don't tell me. I've just had my lunch.

Eli, excuse us. Thomas and I are late for a meeting.

Mr Chairman, I have been meaning to ask your advice.

I'm always available to a young man from my state.

- It's about committee assignments. - That's just the thing I had in mind.

Go ahead.

For the last two days I've been approached by the chairmen of a bunch of committees.

Foreign Affairs, Ways and Means

and Armed Services.

- They all want me on their committees. - I'll be damned.

You can see my dilemma.

With Foreign Affairs, you fly off to Paris whenever you want.

With Armed Services, they got bases all over the globe.

Son, are you familiar with my committee? Power and Industry?

Yeah. But... it's not as well-known as these other committees.

Maybe not. But you've been very frank with me.

I'm gonna be extremely frank with you.

These other committees are nickel and dime stuff.

Power and Industry - think of what we cover.

Energy, transportation, insurance, the environment.

Hell, son, there's no better committee on the Hill.

That is, if you're interested in... fundraising.

Oh, I am, but these other chairmen made pretty strong cases.

These other chairmen aren't from your home state.

They're not offering to take you under their wing. Look out for your future.

- And you are? - Hell, yes, I am.

I'm very flattered, Mr Chairman.

Dick.

I'm flattered, Mr Dick.

- No, no. - Chairman Dick.

Dick. Just Dick.

Just plain old Dick.

You don't get something for nothing. What do you want from me, Dick?

Well, son, I want an able lieutenant.

And I want you to smile for the cameras.

Skeeter. You know Thomas Johnson, the new member of the committee.

- This is Barclay Warburton. - How are you, Barclay?

Skeeter, please. I've been called that since boarding school.

- Sorry. - Cheers.

Cheers. Skeeter.

Thomas, please. I've been called that since reform school.

This EPA oversight hearing

of the Committee on Power and Industry will come to order.

I would like to welcome our first witness,

the administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency.

But before I do, I would like to note that we have a new member today,

the distinguished gentleman from Florida.

- How am I doing? - Great, great.

Enjoy those hors d'oeuvres.

[loud dance music]

Hi. My name is Miss Loretta.

I'd like it very much if you could sign one of those little name tags.

That would be just nice.

It's an informal breakfast. You give us your point of view.

We give you bacon and eggs plus a $2,000 honorarium.

For your favourite charity, of course.

The Thomas Jefferson Johnson Foundation.

Oh, OK. An honorarium! I like the way that sounds.

Excuse me a second.

- Hi. How are you? - Good, thank you.

Nice to meet you, Miss Celia Kirby.

A beautiful name for a beautiful woman.

My, that was very smooth.

After ten hours of making small talk, breathing in cheap cigar smoke,

that is exactly the kind of line I'm ready to fall for.

Slow down, OK?

Sure. Tell me, which one is Congressman Johnson?

Oh. How'd you feel if I told you I was the Congressman?

Duh.

Give me two seconds to take my foot out of my mouth.

Take all the time you need. Can we start again?

Celia Kirby, director of Pro Bono.

Oh, Pro Bono! Very nice to meet you.

Listen, are all the Pro Bonettes as fine as you?

Pro Bono is a public interest research and advocacy group.

I'd be delighted to brief you on our priorities.

Could I call your AA and be put on your schedule?

- Call my AA? - Yes.

You don't have to call my AA.

Why don't we go out to dinner? You can brief me at dinner.

- I'd like an appointment, not a date. - We could write it up as an appointment.

But we'll have flowers and dinner, a mandolin. A floral appointment.

It was a pleasure to meet you. I will be in touch with your staff.

I'm particularly interested in hearing your view

on extending the sexual harassment law to include Congressmen.

Oh, I get it.

Can we turn the AC down, please?

Thank you.

I have a confession to make. I don't know much about poultry.

But I do know people.

And I like you people. I really do.

And if you people come to me

and you say to me

that you have something to say important about poultry,

I'm gonna listen.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for seeing us, Congressman.

This is Ira Schecter, our research director.

This is Mr Reinhardt.

Come and sit next to me and have this chat-chit that...

I've been dying to talk about these issues.

Everybody sit. We can take as long as we want.

You do have several people waiting.

No, they can wait.

What're you doing standing, Ira? Sit down, Ira.

Uh, sure.

Well, these are issue papers.

We're targeting child safety,

auto insurance premiums and food additives.

Certainly as the votes come up you'll be hearing plenty from the other side.

We simply want a shot at making our case too.

- Absolutely. - Absolutely.

OK, let's talk about car insurance.

- What are you paying, Ira? - Me?

Oh. I have an '82 Dodge Dart,

and I pay about $650 a year.

- Or so. - $650? That's highway robbery!

A chop shop wouldn't give you more than $230 on a junker like that.

Or so I've heard.

I'm flying blind here.

If you put a little package together for me,

we'll block aside two Saturday evenings and discuss it then.

Well, I don't see any problem with that.

You've been more than generous with your time.

What're you doing? You're in and out of here in five minutes?

We haven't discussed child safety yet.

Ira, I'm gonna slap you. Sit.

Sit down. Let's finish talking. Let's talk about child safety now.

This is an important issue. Child safety.

We are sponsoring a bill imposing safety standards on imported toys.

Great. I hate imported toys.

Specially those little baseball men with the springs.

What is that? Fuck that, right?

- Fuck that! - Yeah, I hate that.

Listen. Put the package together, we'll block aside some Saturday evenings,

we can discuss it and you can take me through the ins and outs.

Ins and outs?

I'd like to do more money for you,

but first I need your positions on a few issues.

Where are you on sugar price supports?

Sugar price supports?

Where should I be?

It makes no difference to me.

If you're for 'em, I got money for you from my sugar producers.

If you're against 'em, I got money for you from the candy manufacturers.

- You pick. - Let's say for.

Yeah, for.

How about putting limits on malpractice awards?

You tell me.

If you're for 'em, I got money from doctors and insurance companies.

If you're against 'em, I got money from the trial lawyers.

- Let's put you down as against. - Yeah, put me down for against.

- How about pizza? - No, this salad is enough.

Not for lunch, old buddy.

For PAC money.

You thought I was serious? I was fucking with you!

- If you are, you are. - I was fucking with you!

Tell me something.

With all this money coming in from both sides, how could anything get done?

It doesn't. That's the genius of the system.

Hey, baby! We've done nuclear power for ten Gs!

- Mambo! - Cool.

[Loretta] The Congressman is out your way next week.

Congressman Johnson calling. Can you take his call?

Thank you. Please hold.

- A-one. A-two. - Yes, Mr Brown.

On the 30th.

Would you aerospace people like to lay on a luncheon to hear his views?

I'm sorry, he just picked up another call.

I know why he was calling. He hasn't heard about his fundraiser.

$1,000 a head?

- A whole table? - Lovely.

What kind of a contribution to his foundation were you thinking about?

We'll have a little hunting in the morning, a little fishing in the afternoon.

Clean air, beautiful scenery - probably work up a good appetite.

We got a fine French chef back at the lodge flown in special.

Oh, that's very, very nice.

You don't want anything from us?

We would enjoy the opportunity to share our views.

We feel the semi-automatic weapon has gotten a bad rap.

Gun control nuts make out they're for drug dealers only,

but they're just guns for the ordinary sportsman.

Nothing like a nice warm Uzi.

[quacking]

Yee-hee!

Must've had a heart attack.

Aagh!

According to the 1988 study, it showed eight per 100,000.

Am I losing you on these mortality rates?

Not at all. I was just wondering how much of this is a statutory problem

and how much is a regulatory one.

- Didn't the Merton Act cover this? - Excellent point.

Let me check something out.

You're absolutely right.

Maybe we could get them to amend Merton.

- Oh, get 'em to amend it. - Yes.

Well, for Merton to apply, you have to show high contagion.

Sounds to me like your contagion rates

are no higher than the common clod.

Cold. Common cold.

Excuse me a sec. Arthur!

Ow!

Where were we?

How did you wind up hustling for Pro Bono?

You could have been a big-time lawyer.

I was for a while. But it depressed me.

What's depressing about $100,000 a year?

- And you got to get sick of losing. - Of course. But mainly it makes me angry.

That keeps me going.

Of course I'd like to win. And I'm not allergic to money.

So why are you doing it?

It's embarrassing to come right out and say why I do it.

Why?

It's embarrassing.

Stop! What?

Meaning.

My life has to mean something.

So now I have a question for you.

I'd like to know how you got named after a memorial.

Oh. [laughs]

My grandmother liked Jefferson.

"Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

Old black folks' thing.

That's a lot to live up to,

so I specialise in the pursuit of happiness.

And how's it going?

Honestly?

I was going real good till I met you.

Now, the better I do,

the worse I feel. Isn't that strange?

Let's go to dinner Saturday night.

- How about Sunday morning? - Brunch?

The wages of sin

is death!

And to the man who values gold over goodness,

the Lord allows no exemptions.

[all] Amen!

Amen.

And to the man who shows no respect

for the privilege of walking this earth,

the Lord allows no deductions.

Amen!

And to the man whose pockets are bulging

and whose soul is empty

the Lord grants no 90-day extension.

And when the last trump sounds,

believe me, you will be audited.

This is a wonderful date.

Darling, I'm glad you could make it.

I loved that sermon, Uncle Eli.

This is your uncle?

Yes. My niece tells me you're not half as slimy as I thought.

So you're somewhere between a lizard and a toad - quite a step up!

Thank you. I don't know how I missed the family resemblance.

She's you in a skirt.

Yeah, I guess we're all bringing our wives.

Oh, I slipped.

I need your help on the Ethics Bill. I want you to co-sponsor my amendments.

You make a persuasive case.

That wasn't a yes.

I promise to give it the attention it deserves.

- Better luck next time, son. - He's so good!

He took $600 off you that last hand.

He took a real shine to me.

Maybe you lost to him on purpose.

Nothing wrong with letting the head of the Ethics Committee roll you.

You're gonna fit in real good round here. Too good.

How come you never ask me to help with your amendments?

Give it a rest!

Everybody knows you're Dick Dodge's boy.

I ain't nobody's boy.

Don't waste your outrage at me. I know what you are.

I am no different than anybody else up here.

That's not true.

Some people here do something besides saving their own ass.

Just then, you reminded me of my father.

Really? How so?

He used to say I was a scumbag, too.

[bell rings]

- Aren't you going to vote? - Is that what that means?

All this time I've been thinking it was time for Final Jeopardy.

Excuse me, Congressman.

- I'm Mrs Koslowski. - Hi. I'm leaving.

We were learning how a bill becomes a law. Was that a vote?

Yes. That was a vote in there.

A vote was made.

Bye-bye.

And what did you vote?

I voted nay.

It was a terrible bill that would have destroyed American life.

What was the vote on?

Rafe, will you explain to these nice people about the vote?

It was a motion on the previous question on the rule.

No, it was on the recommitment of the rule

of the motion of the previous question.

Which means?

- Clean air. - School lunches.

You see the difficult choices we have to make

between clean air and school lunches.

That's why I want to be the Education Congressman.

Students should be able to eat lunch and breathe at the same time.

I see an America with no such thing as a student who is below average.

I think it is wrong

when students have to stay up late and miss all the good shows doing homework

then get up early and go to school.

This sort of thing just is not fair.

May I help you?

I'm Ellen Juba. This is my daughter Mickey.

We'd like to see our Congressman.

Just a moment, please.

Could you come out? Thank you.

He'll be right with you.

I like your hat.

How do you do? I'm Miss Loretta, public liaison for the Congressman.

Ellen Juba, my daughter, Mickey.

We'd like to see him.

You up here seeing the sights?

How'd you like gallery passes, hear some of the great debates?

We don't want to go the gallery. We want to see Congressman Johnson.

How about a House key ring for each of you?

See that?

Turns into a pen.

We're not tourists, we're constituents.

You're not with some organisation, are you?

I'm a goddamn citizen. Isn't that enough?

- Do you have an appointment? - No, I do not.

Because y'all keep giving me the runaround!

The Congressman is a very busy man.

If you discuss it with me,

I will go over it with him and get a letter out to you.

We're not leaving until we see him.

Armando, would you come out front? We have a situation.

Stop palming me off on flunkies.

Are you going to tell him we're here

or am I going to tell him myself?

- Can I help you? - I want to see my Congressman.

He's not here.

I bet he is.

- Excuse me. - No, please, lady.

Hey!

Oh, baby.

Come on, Mama. Let's go.

Hey!

What happened to you?

The doctor says they got it all. I'm gonna be OK.

I was lucky, but there are others.

What others?

Other kids. They call it a cancer cluster.

At first, none of us wanted to believe it.

But then we all saw it.

For me it was when a two-year-old across the street

developed a brain tumour same as Mickey's.

We looked at everything - the water, the air, the dump sites,

insects... you name it.

Then we realised it was staring us in the face.

- What? - Power lines.

High voltage power lines.

The wires cause magnetic fields.

They cause cancer, especially in children.

I've never heard anything like that.

Why don't you come see for yourself?

This is Mickey's school?

Uh-huh.

A lot of schools are near power lines.

Land's cheap, so schools buy it from the power companies.

We're nobody, Congressman. You're somebody.

We need your help.

Will you excuse me for a second?

Come here a minute.

Is this real?

Depends who you ask.

Some say it's worse than asbestos.

Others say it's coincidental.

What do you say?

It's suspicious that the White House killed an EPA report

saying power lines probably caused cancer.

- They did that? - Yes.

I gotta do something to help.

Don't tell me you're developing a conscience.

I hope not. It'd be a fucking nuisance.

But if I were, how could I help them?

This goes beyond personal tragedy. It goes to a public health hazard

of unknown proportions.

It goes to the right of the people to know all the facts.

To know if their neighbourhoods are killing them.

Amen, gentlemen.

Amen. And what a fine effort it is. I'm totally sympathetic.

Congressional hearings should be scheduled.

The American people deserve no less.

Message:

we care.

Cheers.

You know, son, you're a real comer.

I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up in the leadership.

If I were Speaker, I'd sleep better with you as a lieutenant.

Thank you very much.

I didn't think you was going to go with me on this power lines thing.

- But I'm not. - You said you were sympathetic.

We're all sympathetic to little girls with cancer.

But I'm not sympathetic to a public inquiry.

But you just said...

I know what I said, but sound bites aren't sworn testimony.

Son, it's great to get your name

in the newspaper. Let 'em know you care.

Very smart move, Thomas.

But that's as far as I would go with this if I were you.

[buzzer]

Yeah? Oh, fine, fine.

No, no, send 'em in.

We've got unexpected visitors.

- Hope you don't mind. - Hell, no. Sure.

Mr Chairman!

Olaf!

Hello, Terry.

Mr Chairman, thanks for taking...

Thomas!

They let you in here, you SOB.?

You folks finally get to press flesh.

Olaf! Meet Thomas Johnson.

Olaf Andersen, chairman of Gulf Coast Power.

They tell me you got a real talent for the game.

This is Zeke Bridges, CEO of Superior Mutual Insurance.

Son of a bitch!

- You two know each other? - No, we haven't met.

But we share a common interest in international affairs.

Swedish in particular.

Oh, another Rolex!

Mine's a slightly older model.

A double bourbon, please!

It's very nice finally meeting you.

It's nice to meet you, Congressman.

Thomas and I were just talking about power lines.

Man, I think we ought to have those hearings.

Why don't we get Olaf's take on this?

It's tragic. But there's no way you can link it to power lines.

- The truth is... - Now, there have been studies...

Every study that says one thing, I'll show you a study saying another.

We've studied this ourselves. Nada.

What if you guys are wrong?

Do you want us to move the power lines?

Do you know how much it would cost to bury those things?

Five billion dollars.

Not counting the liability claims.

How would you like to be the fella who tripled your constituents' electric bill?

- I just thought if we had the hearings... - Think for a moment, chum.

You hold your hearings, everyone who lives near a substation

will find the value of his home in the toilet.

You'll kill real estate.

You'll kill the insurance companies.

- You'll kill the school district. - You'll kill the local economy.

Son, the system ain't perfect.

But the fleas come with the dog.

Maybe I should think about it.

Attaboy.

On a completely different subject...

Have you set up a state PAC yet?

I'd be happy to start one off with a contribution of, say, $200,000.

No strings attached.

Natch.

- You were beautiful. - No, you were.

- No, you were beautiful, Terry. - To the mutual aid society.

- Hey! - Hi.

So, are the Jubas going to testify?

When's the committee holding hearings?

I think the hearings might be postponed a little bit.

What's Dodge pulling now?

Nothing. It's actually kinda good.

Now I get to round up some other members, get my ducks in a row.

You shafted me on the Ethics Bill!

You just missed a good one.

That reminds me.

Two old men on a park bench.

It's a closed rule! I can't get my amendments on the floor.

I can't get squat!

This is the not the Rules Committee here.

This is the US Congress!

The people deserve better.

Know what your problem is? You've got sermonitis.

Why don't you just relax? Have a massage!

I've got news for you, Dick.

I'm gonna run against you for Speaker and make this whole boil down

to whether we want a sleaze like you in the chair.

I bet you $100 you don't get ten votes.

I'm gonna be your shadow.

Every member you strong-arm, every reporter you background,

every talk show you go on, I'll be there.

Five votes. Nobody likes to hear a sermon.

I may not have a rat's ass of a chance of to beat you,

but I sure as hell can let the world know what you stand for.

I went too far with him.

Now, you know him pretty well.

- I wouldn't say that. - Oh, come on!

You're seeing his niece. You've been out to his damn church.

- How do you know that? - I keep my ear to the ground.

He'll listen to you. I want you to go make the peace between us.

We'll work something out with his amendments.

Not a vote - I won't go that far - but at least he'll get to say his piece.

Just get him off my back.

- Another round? - Yeah, why not?

To the honourable Dick Dodge.

By the time I'm finished, he'll be lucky if they don't indict him.

Eli, people do things they regret, man. People make mistakes.

Dick's been under a lot of pressure.

You're Dick Dodge's yes man.

I am not a yes man.

When Dick says no, I say no.

I know what you're up to. He's scared and this is damage control.

You know what?

This town...

It isn't about passing laws any more.

It isn't about doing good any more.

All it's about

is being here.

Well, as I live and breathe.

- Hey, cuz. - Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is Miss Loretta Hicks from my staff.

This is Congressman Hawkins.

- Pleasure to meet you. - Would you like a drink?

You two look like you could use a designated driver.

- A good Samaritan! - Praise them.

You want a girlfriend?

Shit!

Oh, shit.

I need an ambulance right away.

Hello?

- Somebody called Thomas Johnson. - What's wrong?

I went out with Hawkins. We got in an accident. He's out cold. But I'm OK.

Were you driving?

No, it was Miss Loretta.

The girl from your office?

Yeah. I don't like the way this looks for anybody.

You want to get back in Hawkins' good graces, this is your opportunity.

Listen very carefully.

Have the ambulance take you to Walter Reed Hospital.

It's a privilege they give Congressmen. They'll keep it quiet.

I'll handle the police.

You go home and keep your mouth shut.

[phone rings]

What? What?

Hello?

Mr Chairman?

No, no, no, sir.

I'm a night owl.

Oh, my God! Is he all right?

Good, good.

And Eli and Loretta?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh!

That's brilliant, Mr Chairman.

I'll call the morning shows and leak the information. They'll eat it up.

Congressman Elijah Hawkins is in satisfactory condition in the hospital

after an overnight accident.

That's right, Laura. Hawkins had alcohol in his blood.

Also injured was an unidentified woman

who police say is linked to a phone sex operation in Florida.

Shit.

Congressman Hawkins... That's Reverend Hawkins, isn't it?

Right you are. How this plays into his campaign

to reform Congressional ethics is anyone's guess.

- I'm trying to find Reverend Eli Hawkins. - Let me check for you.

He's right around the corner there.

- Stay away from him. - Stay away from me, too.

We were set up.

We? You were in the car. I didn't hear your name mentioned on the news.

- Something stinks here. - Is sure does. And guess who it is?

You don't give a damn about anything, do you?

To think I thought you cared about somebody other than yourself!

- You know how I feel about you. - Not me, you jerk!

Mickey Juba.

You caved on the power lines, didn't you?

Don't even answer. I know you did.

What did you get for it?

- Are you gonna let me talk? - Get the hell out of here.

Get out!

Hattie! Hattie Rifkin!

Rifkele!

Don't Rifkele me. What the hell do you want?

I wanna talk to you.

I've heard that before.

Mr "name you know".

I know you got me elected and I forgot your name in the morning. I'm sorry.

But I really, really, really need you.

So talk.

Why are we meeting here, Thomas? Trouble at the office?

Well, Dodge says he keeps his ear to the ground,

but that's bullshit. He has an inside man.

- Reinhardt? - Yes.

Let's whack him.

This ain't "Scarface".

You got a plan?

Big con.

- Dick Dodge is the mark. - Dick Dodge?

We're out of our league. He's been conning for over 30 years.

Cuz, these politicians are some serious slick fish.

Is everybody going soft? You all a bunch of fucking incumbents?

Listen. Thursday, Dick Dodge is at the Arts Caucus.

I need to know how long it takes to get from there to the EPA. All right, Armando?

Loretta, I need information on the EPA to give to the roper.

And I got a list of equipment for you to get.

Crazy, baby.

Don't we need a new roper? Everyone knows our faces.

[car horn]

Speak of the devil.

- My man! - What up?

Homer!

What's up?

Hey, Dick.

Eli Hawkins got his tail caught in the crack, huh?

He did.

- And you kept my name out of it. - I did.

- So I owe you. - You do.

This hearing of the Committee on Power and Industry will come to order.

Hey! Come here.

I got a call from an EPA guy.

He heard how fast I bailed on the power lines.

He's got something hot for me.

He wants to meet me out of the office, like tonight.

Mr Whitney?

You said you'd be alone.

Is he a cop?

You wearing a wire?

- You wearing a goddamn wire? - Relax, I'm not wired.

Yeah?

Well, let's see.

I just got to find it, that's all.

Get your hands off me!

Hey, man, I told you he's OK. He has no wire here.

No wire. You can trust him. He's got fire engines on his drawers.

This is a good man. Now cool it.

Is this something we can use?

Your friends at the power company would be very interested.

Talk to me.

All right. The White House is putting heat on the EPA.

We're going to announce a major investigation

on the relation between power lines and cancer clusters.

Mrs Dodge? Arthur Reinhardt. May I speak to the chairman?

Mr Bridges is on one.

Zeke, how are you?

[as Bridges] Madder than a baptist in a brothel!

You hear about this EPA bullshit?

They're going ahead with this goddamn power lines investigation.

I thought we had this settled. They don't have any proof.

They ain't looking for proof, they're looking for dinner and we're it.

Shit.

All right, Zeke.

I'm going up to DC for the clean air hearings anyway.

I'll talk to Dodge.

I heard something. I know there's some business in it.

I'm listening.

EPA are investigating power lines and getting pressure from the White House.

That's very interesting. I heard the same thing.

- Nothing gets by you, does it? - Not much.

But thank you, son. I appreciate your sharing that with me.

There's probably something in it for us.

If we got the EPA off Olaf's Andersen's back,

he'd be extremely appreciative.

- So how do we go about that? - My committee.

We audit their funding. I got him by the balls.

So you just rip their balls off.

No, no. Thomas!

Persuasion. Strenuous persuasion.

- That's allowed? - Persuasion, yes.

Intimidation, no.

But... it's a grey area.

Who's to say which is which?

You can't rip 'em out, you persuade 'em out.

Is there somebody you can call to make sure there really is an investigation?

- Of course. He ought to be in by now. - Who?

Skeeter Warburton. Always go straight to the top, son.

That's out of my league, Dick.

Let's go.

Congressman Dodge?

Oh, uh... Mrs Rifkin. From the...

Silver Foxes. America's second largest seniors' organisation.

Members in every district in Florida, including yours.

It's a marvellous organisation. It's always a pleasure...

I need to talk to you.

I'd like that, but right now I'm in a rush.

You call for an appointment...

This won't take a second. Could I walk you to your office?

That'd be fine.

If the FDA would just agree to look at the new support hose,

we'd feel like we made some progress.

I'm always so excited to hear your views, but really...

I've got to run.

So run. Who's keeping you?

So don't be a stranger. Keep in touch.

Can you get me Skeeter Warburton on the phone?

Right away, Chairman Dodge.

Sweep for radon?

Radon? I'm sorry, I don't recall...

- Do you have a work order? - No. Uh...

Supervisor said ain't supposed to be no paperwork on this

cos y'all killed some radon study.

We did delete a few minor items.

How's it gonna look to other people

if they find out I swept your office but don't do everybody else's?

- How that gonna look? - Point taken. Go ahead.

You'd better step outside. I gotta spray some nasty shit.

Brenda, I'm just stepping out.

Yeah, Brenda, don't come in. You might get some of this shit on you.

[as Warburton] Brenda, I've changed my mind. I'm expecting a call.

Chairman Dodge is on line two.

Speak of the devil. Put him through.

Afternoon. Skeeter here.

I need a straight answer. Is the White House on your back about power lines?

Are we off the record?

Of course.

I had hoped to spend some time with Tish this weekend and do some sailing

but I won't be able to because I'm spending a lot of time in the office

writing testimony on cancer clusters.

I appreciate your candour, Skeeter.

Anything to be of help, Mr Chairman.

Take off the rest of the week, please, Brenda.

I don't see how I can help you.

This is the EPA. This is the President.

- This is my life blood. - I see that.

But you've got to pick your fights.

This could mean six figures, Dick.

High six figures.

Seven figures?!

I suppose a million dollars isn't too much to save five billion

- Now you're talking. - How can I funnel all that to you?

We can find a loophole. No-one will see your fingerprints.

- No-one will know? - No-one will know.

Olaf's just making a contribution as a patriotic citizen.

- In return, he's getting... - Good government.

Exactly.

A little access, that's all.

I'm calling from Chairman Dodge's office.

We wanted to be sure CNN was covering the clean air hearings today.

No, not the new emission standards. We're breaking news.

This is bigger than the cheque-bouncing scandal.

This is the White House press office.

My boss wanted me to let you know we're going to be making

a very important announcement today at the clean air hearings.

Sorry, I can't tell you that. But it's hot.

If the New York Times wants to miss out on

the biggest story of the year, that's up to y'all.

Hurry up, get into your seats.

Come on, everybody. It's going to be a great day.

- Let's sit here. - At the back?

Sit down, will you?

- How's everything? - Great.

You know a wonderful way to start?

With me congratulating you on your work on the committee.

Showing our appreciation, especially on behalf of minorities.

I appreciate that, son.

I'm cutting out of here early.

- Don't want to run into him? - I never should have come.

I'm surprised... delighted by the media turnout.

I had no idea clean air was such a good issue.

Ain't it something?

This meeting of the Power and Industry Committee

to consider the reauthorisation of the Clean Air Act is now in session.

Today's first business is a panel of national leaders

in the field of utilities.

But first the chair would like to yield to the distinguished gentleman from Florida.

Thank you, Mr Chairman. I'd like to make a personal statement.

I would like to start off by saying thank you.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your leadership

and your vision.

But most of all, for your courage.

Especially for your courage.

My... courage?

Yes, sir, your courage

in exposing the corruption that eats away at this institution,

your courage in taking on the special interests

and your courage in taking a major new step.

But I've... done nothing new. Nothing at all.

- What are you talking about? - This is true.

Integrity is nothing new to you. Integrity is second nature to this man.

But it's a rare public servant who will take on the PACs

and the lobbyists and the fat cats

and side with the American family,

who just want safe neighbourhoods and to send their kids to safe schools.

I thank the gentleman, but we must move along.

Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday I had a meeting with the chairman

in his office, with Mr Olaf Andersen of Gulf Coast Power

and his lobbyist, Mr Terry Corrigan.

I thank the gentleman, but we really must move along.

The subject of this meeting

was the possible EPA investigation on power lines

and the connection between them and increased cancer risk.

Out of order.

What makes this meeting different from most meetings in Washington

was that the American people were represented

in the form of this.

At Chairman Dodge's suggestion,

I videotaped the entire meeting.

Don't you love that?

Isn't that something? Dick Dodge - isn't he something special?

- Don't you love this man? - The gentleman is out of order.

- He double-crossed us. - You're fired.

- Don't you love this chairman? - You're out of order!

He's brought dignity back to the name Dick. No longer is it tricky.

Dick is good!

Dick is good!

- Turn off his microphone! - Chairman Dodge.

This is neither the time nor the place for these matters.

But you may rest assured that the committee

will investigate them thoroughly.

Now...

We're gonna take a recess.

Dick, you crazy son of a bitch, you know we planned this.

[uproar]

You stupid son of a bitch! You taped our conversation?

They make 'em kinda small nowadays.

You bastards! Think you can hang me out to dry? Bullshit!

If I go down, you go down!

Remember that $300,000 for your voter registration scam?

What was that? Just water under the bridge?

Or the $200,000 for your phoney foundation?

Or those cheques from my executives?

I trusted you!

I gave you my condo. I gave you my corporate jet!

I even bought 10,000 copies of your dull-ass autobiography.

I helped send your kids through college.

I even hired your colour-blind wife to redecorate my office.

Jesus! Sit down!

I'm trying to tell you I didn't have a goddamn thing to do with this!

- You shitting me? - No, no!

Think! Think!

You got me by the short and curlies.

What would I gain by selling you out?

I had no idea that slime bag

was taping us.

Excuse me.

Lighten up on the "slime bag".

What's your game, Thomas? Shakedown?

Yeah, it's a shakedown.

Unless you want to see this

all over CNN, you're gonna pay my price.

First, call Skeeter Warburton and tell him to launch an investigation on power lines.

There's more. I want you to resign. Tell people it's for health reasons.

Most of us will believe that cos we've seen you in the steam room.

Why the hell are you doing this?

I am doing this for Mickey Juba, for Celia Kirby, for my grandmother,

and about a million other people you wouldn't give a shit about.

-Who? - Do we have a deal or not?

I guess that depends entirely on...

what's on that tape.

This is America's sleaziest home video. That's what's on this tape.

- Fuck that. Let's see what you really got. - This is just a copy.

Yo, man, it's just a copy.

Maria, my hot-blooded Spanish friend.

Babette, the Parisian pussycat, and many others.

- So call the Girls of Many Nations. - It's a bluff.

It's a cheap-ass bluff.

The question is, can we get the shit back into the horse?

Why not? He never made any specific charges.

So what do we do at the hearing?

Leave that to me. You just walk back in there looking dignified.

- Dignified. - And you...

You'd better be very, very quiet in there, my friend.

I got the goods on you.

It would be my pleasure to leave tyre marks all over you.

- Like you did Hawkins? - Not even close.

So unless you want to spend the next 20 years in prison,

you keep your mouth shut.

Now, do we understand each other here?

- Yeah, we understand each other. - Huh?

All right.

Let's do it.

[uproar]

By the way, Dick, I didn't mean it about your wife.

I think she's great.

Thank you, Kimberly.

These hearings are now reconvened.

- Without going into details... - No problem, no problem.

...I would like to make a comment on the unfortunate incident we just witnessed.

Now, this body, indeed our whole system of government, is imperfect.

It's imperfect because it depends on people.

Human beings who make mistakes, act in haste,

misinterpret things...

And buy 10,000 copies of your autobiography.

Which is not a crime - unless you make people read it.

Damn it, sir,

you are out of order.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

To hell with order. The truth is gonna come out here today.

All right. You want the truth?

Here's the truth, Congressman.

This man you see before you is nothing but a common criminal.

He got into this House through fraud. You want more truth, Congressman?

Here's your rap sheet.

Bookmaking, card-sharping,

con games, mail fraud.

I had to hoped to avoid damaging this noble institution.

But I can see that you have no respect for this institution or for anything else.

There! I dare you to respond!

[excited murmurs]

Yeah, this is me. I can't deny it.

I can't deny anything on here. I did all of this.

Except for this thing - this woman got her shoes back.

But everything else is real. I did it, don't deny it.

But all of this is nothing

compared to the shit I pulled off here in Washington.

And everything I did in this town

would be considered legit.

Now that is enough! Have you no shame?

Do you deny that just five minutes ago you attempted to impugn the integrity...

You stupid son of a bitch. You taped our conversation!

..from a respected...

You bastards! Think you can hang me out to dry? Bullshit!

If I go down, you go down!

Remember that $300,000 for that voter registration scam?

Or the $200,000 for your phoney foundation?

Or those cheques from my executives? Was that just water under the bridge?

I trusted you.

I gave you my condo. I gave you my corporate jet!

I even bought 10,000 copies of your dull-ass autobiography.

Sit down!

I'm trying to tell you I didn't have a goddamn thing to do with this!

Bullshit!

Order! Order!

Clear the room! Clear the goddamn room!

I want order! I will have order!

Let's hear it for ex-Chairman Dodge!

Put your hands together! Let's hear it for the retiring chairman!

This man is going to jail!

Give him a big round of applause!

Hey! Hey!

What the hell are you doing? We'll all go to jail!

Son of a bitch!

Look what you did to your man!

You almost got your ass whipped.

Hold him tight.

I want to get some good pictures.

Smile for the cameras, Dick. How am I doing?

How does it feel being a national hero?

Terrible. Everybody knows my face. I'm finished in my line of business.

Can't exactly pass bad cheques any more.

So what are you gonna do?

I've got a full head of hair, a famous face and I'm a pretty good bullshitter.

- There's only one thing I can do. - Wait. Congress is throwing you out.

Yeah, but I'm gonna run for President.