Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL

♪ I'M GOING DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪

♪ GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME ♪

♪ FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE ♪

♪ HUMBLE FOLKS WITHOUT TEMPTATION ♪

♪ GOING DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪

♪ GONNA LEAVE MY WOES BEHIND ♪

♪ AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT ♪

♪ PEOPLE SPOUTING "HOWDY NEIGHBOR" ♪

♪ HEADIN' ON UP TO SOUTH PARK ♪

♪ GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T UNWIND ♪

♪ ( muffled mumble muffled mumble ) ♪

♪ SO COME ON DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪

♪ AND MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE ♪♪

( Mr. Mackey ) M'KAY, KIDS,

CAN I HAVE IT QUIET, PLEASE ?

M'KAY.

M'KAY, QUIET NOW, THE ASSEMBLY IS ABOUT TO START, M'KAY.

QUIET, M'KAY.

( loud feedback )

( kids screaming )

M'KAY.

UH, NOW KIDS, WE HAVE A REALLY FUN MOTIVATIONAL GROUP TODAY

WHO ARE GONNA TALK TO YOU

ABOUT THE DANGERS OF SMOKIN', M'KAY.

SO PLEASE GIVE A VERY BIG

SOUTH PARK COWS WELCOME TO-- BUTT OUT !

WOO-HOO ! ALL RIGHT !

GET THOSE HANDS UP !

♪ BUTT OUT YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ GIVE THAT CIGARETTE BUTT A THROW ♪

♪ BUTT OUT UH-HUH ♪

♪ SMOKING'S GOT TO GO ♪♪

OH, NO.

YEAH ! WOO-HOO !

HEY, STUDENTS !

HOW ARE WE ALL FEELING TODAY ? WOOO !

HEY, DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT EACH YEAR

OVER 600,000 PEOPLE A YEAR DIE FROM SMOKING ?

A YEAR !

600,000 ?

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT JUST BLOWING SMOKE ?

( laughing )

BLOW SMOKE, US ? NO WAY !

BECAUSE WE DON'T NEED TO SMOKE

AND NEITHER DO YOU, RIGHT, KIDS ?

BUTT OUT !

BREAK IT DOWN !

( beat-boxing )

BUTT OUT ! YEAH YEAH !

IT'S COOL TO SAY NO !

BUTT OUT ! UH-HUH !

SMOKING'S GOT TO GO !

( beat-boxing )

SMOKIN', NO.

NO SMOKIN' !

FREESTYLE !

VERNON !

CHI-STOP.

CHA-CHA CHI-CHI.

DON'T SMOKE ! DON'T EVER SMOKE !

KYLE !

B- TO THE U- TO THE T- TO THE...

DUDE, THIS IS UNBEARABLE.

I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

... TO THE E- TO THE T- TO THE T- TO THE E.

BUTT OUT, CIGARETTES !

RANDY !

SMOKE YOU KNOW HAS GOT TO GO !

YOU GO TO KNOW, YOU GOTTA SAY...

AAAGH !

PAM !

( imitating tire squeal )

( crash )

( screeching ) DOOON'T SMOOOKE !

WOO HOO ! ALL RIGHT !

YOU GUYS, KENNY'S EATING HIS OWN HAND.

HEY, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ?!

I LIKE SMOKING, AND IT MAKES ME COOL !

OH REALLY ?

DO YOU THINK LUNG CANCER IS COOL, TOO ?

WHAT ABOUT EMPHYSEMA, IS THAT COOL ?

AND WHAT ABOUT ABORTION AND AIDS ?!

THAT'S NONES THE COOL !

WORD !

YEAH, SO BUTT OUT !

♪ BUTT OUT YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ GIVE THAT CIGARETTE BUTT A THROW... ♪

AGH, JESUS CHRIST !

♪ SMOKING'S GOT TO GO ♪♪

REMEMBER KIDS, IF YOU SMOKE,

YOU COULD GROW UP TO BE A FAILURE.

WORSE YET, YOU COULD GROW UP TO BE DEAD !

SO DON'T BELIEVE

WHAT THOSE EVIL TOBACCO COMPANIES TELL YOU !

YEAH !

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T SMOKE YOU CAN GROW UP TO BE--

JUST LIKE US !!

( all coughing )

HERE, HERE,

GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE, GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE.

OH DUDE, THIS IS REALLY HARD.

OH ( bleep ), HERE COMES MR. MACKEY !

THROW 'EM AWAY !

( coughing )

DUDE, HERE HE COMES.

WE GOTTA STOP COUGHING !

BOYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE ?

I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE, M'KAY ?

NUBBI.

WHAT ?

NUBBI-- NOB-- NUBB--

AHH, SICK !

GROSS, DUDE !

WELL HEY, IF I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER

I'D THINK YOU BOYS HAD BEEN SMOKING !

NO.

NO, MR. MACKEY, WE DON'T HAVE ANY CIGARETTES.

WELL, YOU BETTER NOT

BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT SMOKING.

UH, SMOKING'S BAD, M'KAY.

AND IF YOU START SMOKING AT AN EARLY AGE, M'KAY,

IT'S GONNA BE BAD, M'KAY ?

BECAUSE SMOKING CAN LEAD TO

ALL KINDS OF HEALTH PROBLEMS LIKE CANCER, M'KAY.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT CANCER.

UH, CANCER'S BAD, M'KAY.

AND, UH-- WHAT, WHAT THE ?

HOLY ( bleep ), M'KAY !

( fire alarm ringing )

AGH, JESUS CHRIST !

WHOOPS.

WELL, YOU BOYS HAVE CERTAINLY DONE IT THIS TIME !

♪ WE'RE SOR-RY. ♪

NOT AS SORRY AS YOU'RE GOING TO BE

WHEN YOUR PARENTS GET HERE.

AH, HERE THEY COME NOW.

OH, GOD.

( knocking )

COME ON IN !

STANLEY, WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME ?!

YOU BETTER BRACE YOURSELVES, PARENTS.

THE BOYS WERE CAUGHT... SMOKING.

SMOKING ?!

NO ! IT CAN'T BE !

MY SON IS NOT A FILTHY SMOKER !

MOM...

DAD, IT WAS JUST--

I DON'T HAVE A SON !

ERIC !

YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF HORRIBLE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE,

BUT SMOKING ?

YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR THREE WEEKS !

THREE WEEKS ?!

ARE YOU ( bleeping ) KIDDING ME ?!

HAVEN'T YOU BOYS HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT HOW HARMFUL

SMOKING IS TO YOU AND THOSE AROUND YOU ?

OF COURSE THEY HAVEN'T

BECAUSE THE TOBACCO COMPANIES HAVE GOTTEN TO THEM FIRST !

THIS IS REALLY THEIR FAULT !

YEAH, THIS IS REALLY THEIR FAULT !

NO MATTER HOW MUCH MONEY THE ANTI-SMOKING GROUPS SPEND

THE TOBACCO COMPANIES ARE THERE TO FILL OUR CHILDREN'S HEADS

WITH LIES AND PROPAGANDA THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO SMOKE.

YEAH, HUH ?!

IT'S LIKE THE TOBACCO COMPANIES HAVE CONTROL OF MY MIND.

NO, MUST FIGHT IT--

TOBACCO COMPANIES MAKING ME WANT TO SMOKE--

AGH !

OH MY GOODNESS, I HAD NO IDEA !

ARE YOU OKAY, SWEETIE ?

WELL, THOSE GODDAMN TOBACCO COMPANIES

AREN'T GONNA HAVE CONTROL OVER MY KID !

I SAY WE BRING THEM DOWN !

WE NEED THE HELP OF THE GREATEST

ANTI-SMOKING CELEBRITY THAT EVER LIVED !

ROB REINER.

WHO'S ROB REINER ?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT !

I PUSHED A LAW FOR HIGHER TAXES ON CIGARETTES,

I LOBBY TO GET IMAGES OF CIGARETTES

REMOVED FROM MOVIES AND ART,

I FORCE SMOKERS OUT OF BARS AND PARKS--

BUT STILL I GET LETTERS FROM PARENTS

SAYING THEIR KIDS ARE DOING IT !

APPARENTLY, PEOPLE STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND

HOW BAD SMOKING IS FOR THEM !

DON'T THEY KNOW HOW DANGEROUS IT IS TO THEIR HEALTH ?!

DON'T THEY KNOW THE HAZARD OF SECONDHAND SMOKE ?!

ACCORDING TO THE LETTER, SIR,

THE TOWN HAS A TOBACCO COMPANY QUITE NEAR THEM.

YEAH, THAT MUST BE IT !

THE TOBACCO COMPANIES WITH THEIR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

AND THEIR SLICK DESKS AND FANCY BUILDINGS !

THEY'RE THE ONES MAKING CHILDREN WANT TO SMOKE.

THEY'RE THE ONES HURTING OUR NATION'S HEALTH !

I WILL NOT STAND BY AND SEE THE CHILDREN OF AMERICA

CORRUPTED BY THOSE BASTARDS !

THIS IS WAR !

YOU GUYS, MAYBE WE SHOULD COME CLEAN RIGHT NOW

AND TELL EVERYONE THAT IT WASN'T THE TOBACCO COMPANIES

THAT MADE US WANT TO SMOKE.

WHAT ?

WHY ? IT'S PERFECT !

IF EVERYONE'S BLAMING THE TOBACCO COMPANIES,

THEN NOBODY'S BLAMING US !

YEAH, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ?

IT'S JUST THAT--

THIS SEEMS LIKE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE TIMES

WHEN THINGS ARE GONNA GET WAY OUT OF HAND, YOU KNOW ?

IT'S BEEN HAPPENING A LOT LATELY.

HOW ABOUT THIS TIME WE JUST PUT A STOP TO IT RIGHT NOW ?

DUMBASS, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE

GROUNDED FOR THREE WEEKS, DO YOU ?

YEAH, DON'T WORRY, DUDE,

THINGS AREN'T GONNA GET OUT OF HAND.

HERE HE COMES !

DAMMIT.

( straining )

BUTTER ! BUTTER !

WHAT'D HE SAY ?

BUTTER !

( crowd cheering )

( panting )

HELLO, SOUTH PARK !

IT IS SO NICE TO SEE AN ENTIRE TOWN COME TOGETHER

TO FIGHT FOR GOOD HEALTH !

AND I'M GONNA HELP YOU !

THESE POOR, INNOCENT CHILDREN

HAVE BEEN SEDUCED INTO SMOKING TOBACCO.

SO I SAY, WE FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE !

WE'RE GONNA USE THESE CHILDREN

TO BRING THE TOBACCO COMPANY DOWN !

OH, NO.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS, HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

WE'RE GONNA SNEAK YOU INTO THE TOBACCO COMPANY

BY SAYING YOU KIDS WANT A TOUR FOR A SCHOOL PAPER.

ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE, I'M GONNA TAKE PHOTOS

AND THEN WE'LL PUBLISH THEM, SAYING THE TOBACCO COMPANY

INVITED YOU OVER TO SEDUCE YOU INTO SMOKING !

GOT IT ?!

GOT IT !

BUT-- ISN'T THAT KIND OF LYING ?

WE'RE JUST LEVELING OUT THE PLAYING FIELD.

THE TOBACCO COMPANIES LIE TO YOU

ABOUT THE DANGERS OF SMOKING.

IF WE'RE GONNA TAKE THEM DOWN

WE'VE GOTTA LIE RIGHT BACK !

( sniffing )

OH MY GOD !

( coughs )

( coughs louder )

EXCUSE ME !

YES ?

WOULD YOU MIND PUTTING THAT DEATH STICK OUT ?!

BUT, UH, THIS IS A BAR.

ISN'T SMOKING ILLEGAL IN BARS HERE ?

NOT IN COLORADO.

OH MY GOD !

WHAT KIND OF BACKWARD, HICK STATE IS THIS ?!

LOOK, MAN, I WORK 14 HOURS A DAY AT THE SAW MILL.

I JUST GOT OFF WORK AND I NEED TO RELAX.

WELL, WHEN I RELAX,

I JUST GO TO MY VACATION HOUSE IN HAWAII !

I AIN'T GOT A VACATION HOUSE IN HAWAII.

YOUR VACATION HOUSE IN MEXICO THEN,

WHATEVER IT IS !

LOOK, YOU ARE PUTTING MY LIFE AND THESE BOYS' LIVES IN DANGER

BY SMOKING THAT IN HERE.

AND I AM NOT GONNA TOLERATE IT !

I WILL END SMOKING IN BARS IN COLORADO !

THERE WILL BE NO MORE SMOKING !

ISN'T HE AWESOME, YOU GUYS ?

WHAT ?!

DUDE, HE JUST GOES AROUND IMPOSING HIS WILL ON PEOPLE.

HE'S MY IDOL.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU,

AND WE'LL BE ABLE TO SUE THIS TOBACCO COMPANY

FOR $2 BILLION !

AS SOON AS WE GET INTO THE MAIN FACILITY

I'LL SNAP THE PHOTO OF YOU KIDS

AND WE CAN ALL RUN OUT.

THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT ?

HANDLE IT ?

FOR $2 BILLION I'D HANDLE MY GRANDPA'S BALLS, SIR.

ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

OKAY, NOW WATCH YOURSELVES, KIDS.

THESE TOBACCO COMPANY PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING

TO GET YOU HOOKED ON SMOKING.

THEY ARE LIARS AND THEY ARE FRAUDS !

CAN I HELP YOU ?

YES, MY NAME IS RITA POON,

I CALLED ABOUT MY BOYS WANTING A TOUR.

AH YES, MRS. POON.

MY NAME'S KEVIN HARRIS

AND I'M THE VICE PRESIDENT OF BIG TOBACCO.

HELLO, MR. HARRIS.

WELL, COME ON IN !

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HISTORY FIRST ?

NATIVE AMERICANS WERE THE FIRST TO CULTIVATE THE TOBACCO PLANT.

THEY SMOKED IT IN PIPES

FOR MEDICINAL AND CEREMONIAL PURPOSES.

NOT IF I WERE AROUND THEY WOULDN'T HAVE !

EXCUSE ME ?

OH, NOTHING ! PLEASE CONTINUE !

THE FIRST SUCCESSFUL COMMERCIAL CROP OF TOBACCO

WAS CULTIVATED IN VIRGINIA IN 1612.

WITHIN SEVEN YEARS IT WAS ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S

LARGEST EXPORTS !

SO, TOBACCO HELPED TO BUILD AMERICA.

THAT'S RIGHT.

OVER THE NEXT FEW CENTURIES,

THE TOBACCO BUSINESS WAS SO GREAT

THAT MANY SLAVES WERE BROUGHT FROM AFRICA

TO HELP WORK THE FIELDS.

WHICH MEANS IF IT WEREN'T FOR TOBACCO

MANY OF OUR BLACK FRIENDS WOULDN'T BE HERE TODAY.

AND SO FOR CENTURIES, TOBACCO PRODUCTION FLOURISHED.

NOBODY WAS EVEN AWARE OF ANY DANGERS BACK THEN,

UNTIL, IN 1965, WHEN CONGRESS PASSED AN ACT

FORCING ALL TOBACCO COMPANIES

TO PUT THE SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING ON THEIR PACKAGES.

SO NOW, EVERYONE KNOWS THE DANGERS OF SMOKING.

AND SOME PEOPLE STILL CHOOSE TO DO IT,

AND WE BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT BEING AN AMERICAN IS ALL ABOUT.

THAT SOUNDS PERFECTLY REASONABLE.

AND HERE'S OUR FACTORY AT WORK !

♪ WITH A HIDE-E-LI-DE-E-LIE ♪

♪ AND A HIDE-E-LIE-DE-LAY ♪

♪ WE WORK AND WE MAKE CIGARETTES ♪

♪ ALL HIDE-E-LIDE-E-DAY ♪

♪ SO FOLKS CAN GET A BREAK-E ♪

♪ FROM THEIR STRESSFUL LIDE-LIVES ♪

♪ AND RELAX-Y WITH THE CIGARETTES ♪

♪ WE MAKE ALL DAY AND NIGHT ♪

♪ I LIKE TO HAVE A CIGARETTE EVERY NOW AND THEN ♪

♪ IT MAKES ME FEEL CALMER WHEN THE DAY IS AT AN END ♪

♪ AND IF IT GIVES ME CANCER WHEN I'M 80 I DON'T CARE ♪

♪ WHO THE HELL WANTS TO BE 90 ANYWAY ? ♪

♪ SO WITH A HIDE-ALIE-DE-LIE ♪

♪ AND A HIDE-E-LIE-DE-LAY ♪

♪ WE WORK AND WE MAKE CIGARETTES ♪

♪ ALL HIDE-E-LIDE-E-DAY ♪

♪ SO FOLKS CAN GET A BREAK-E ♪

♪ FROM THEIR STRESSFUL LIDE-LIVES ♪

♪ AND RELAX-Y WITH THE CIGARETTES ♪

♪ WE MAKE ALL DAY AND NIGHT ♪♪

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S THE END OF OUR TOUR !

OH, HERE, BOYS, LET ME GET YOUR PICTURE.

GOT IT !

HA ! YOU BASTARDS ARE GOING DOWN NOW !

WHAT ?

I'M NOT RITA POON, I'M ROB REINER !

AND YOU'VE JUST BEEN REINER'D !

COME ON, BOYS, LET'S MAKE OUR ESCAPE !

DON'T YOU TRY AND STOP US !

( screaming )

OH MY GOD !

OH BOY, THAT WAS GREAT, KIDS !

( Kyle ) THOSE PEOPLE AT THE TOBACCO COMPANY

ALL SEEM REALLY NICE.

YEAH, YOU SEE THAT ?

THEY GOT INTO YOUR HEAD !

NOW YOU KIDS CAN MEET SOME GOOD DECENT PEOPLE,

THE FOLKS WHO WORK TO GET SMOKING BANNED !

( growling )

( hissing )

THIS IS HOW WE GET RID OF SMOKERS !

WE GO STATE TO STATE AND DO THINGS LIKE USE BOGUS STUDIES

AND MAKE EXPENSIVE COMMERCIALS

TO GET THE PUBLIC ON OUR SIDE

AND FORCE CIGARETTE SMOKERS TO STOP !

WOW, IT'S LIKE, IT'S LIKE SMOKING BRINGS A LOT OF PEOPLE

JUST A LITTLE BIT OF JOY

AND YOU GET TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM THEM.

YOU ARE SO AWESOME.

HERE YOU GO, BOB.

THIS IS MR. VALKRI,

HE DOES ALL OURPHOTOSHOPWORK.

NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS PHOTOSHOP CIGARETTES

INTO YOUR HANDS, AND BINGO !

WHEN THIS HITS THE PAPERS THE TOBACCO COMPANY IS SCREWED !

HA HA HA HA !

HA HA HA HA !

BUT DUDE-- YOU'RE MAKING STUFF UP.

YOU KIDS NEED TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING, OKAY ?

SOMETIMES LYING IS OKAY,

LIKE WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR PEOPLE MORE THAN THEY DO.

OH MY GOD, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'VE ALWAYS SAID.

I LOVE THIS GUY !

MR. REINER, YOUR BILL TO HAVE SMOKING

OUTLAWED IN BARS HERE DIDN'T PASS.

WHAT ?!

GOD DAMMIT, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG

WITH PEOPLE IN THIS STATE ?!

APPARENTLY, SEVERAL PEOPLE HERE STILL BELIEVE

THERE'S NO PROOF SECONDHAND SMOKE CAN KILL YOU.

THEY WANT PROOF ?!

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GIVE THEM PROOF !

BOYS, I NEED ONE OF YOU TO ACT IN A COMMERCIAL FOR US !

WE'LL SHOOT IT TOMORROW !

WOW, A COMMERCIAL ?!

YOU BOYS DECIDE WHICH ONE OF YOU

WOULD BE BEST FOR THE PART.

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, WE GOTTA GET MOVING ON THE BILL

TO BAN SMOKING IN PARKS HERE !

LET'S GO !

GOD, HE'S JUST THE BEST !

MR. REINER ! CAN I GET YOU A MUFFIN ?

OR A COLD DRINK PERHAPS ?

YOU GUYS, I THINK WE SHOULD BAIL OUT OF THIS RIGHT NOW.

HUH ? I JUSTKNOWWHERE THIS IS HEADING-

IT'S GONNA END UP WITH THE WHOLE TOWN

TAKING THIS TOO FAR

AND US HAVING TO TALK ABOUT "WHAT WE LEARNED"

TO CHANGE EVERYONE'S MIND,

AND I SAY WE JUST STOP RIGHT NOW

AND GO PLAY CARDS OR SOMETHING.

YUP, I TOTALLY AGREE.

YEAH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

SO, GENTLEMEN, LOOKS LIKE ONLY ONE OF US

GETS TO BE IN THE COMMERCIAL, HUH ?

WHO WILL IT BE... ?

GENTLEMEN, THE GAME IS ON !

GO AHEAD.

WE DON'T WANT TO BE IN THEIR STUPID COMMERCIAL.

HUH ?

OH, I GET IT, KYLE.

THAT'S YOUR SERBIAN JEW DOUBLE BLUFF--

MAKE ME THINK YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT BEING IN THE COMMERCIAL

SO THAT MAYBE I WON'T EITHER.

OOPS, DIDN'T WORK, DID IT, KYLE ?

NO, WE REALLY WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH THESE PEOPLE.

SURE YOU DON'T, KYLE.

OH, AND NEITHER DO I.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY NEXT.

YOU'RE GONNA SAY, "HOW ABOUT NONE OF US

SHOW UP TOMORROW TO DO IT ?"

AND THEN I'M SUPPOSED TO AGREE, SO THAT TOMORROW

YOU CAN WALTZ IN ALL BY YOURSELF

AND DO THE COMMERCIAL.

THAT'S SERBIAN JEW DOUBLE BLUFF,

AND IT AIN'T GONNA WORK ON ME.

HEH HEH HEH.

ONLY ONE OF US CAN BE IN THE COMMERCIAL, GENTLEMEN.

THE GAME-- IS ON.

SORRY, KYLE, BUT I'M AFRAID ONLY ONE OF US WILL BE

SHOWING UP TO DO THE COMMERCIAL TOMORROW, HA HA HA !

THOUGHT YOU HAD ME

WITH YOUR SERBIAN JEW DOUBLE BLUFF, DIDN'T YOU ?

WELL, LET'S SEE YOU TRY TO OPEN THIS DOOR NOW !

( laughing )

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

OH.

HELLO, KYLE.

OH MAN, WAIT-- THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE.

CARTMAN, YOU GO AHEAD AND DO THE COMMERCIAL TOMORROW.

BUT I'M WARNING YOU: THOSE ANTI-SMOKING PEOPLE

ARE LIARS AND THEY'RE BULLIES

WHO WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO GET WHAT THEY WANT,

AND THAT MEANS THEY'RE DANGEROUS.

HA HA HA HA !

NICE TRY, KYLE !

LET'S SEE YOU TRY TO GET THROUGH THIS DOOR NOW !

HA HA HA HA !

OKAY, ERIC, THIS IS GONNA BE REAL SIMPLE.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS JUST READ THE WORDS

ON THE TELEPROMPTER, HERE.

( laughing ) OKAY !

LET'S SEE HOW THE TOBACCO COMPANIES DEAL WITH THIS !

ALL RIGHT, ROLL CAMERA !

ROLL THE TELEPROMPTER.

AND WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, ERIC.

( giggling ) OKAY, OKAY.

( takes a deep breath )

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY THERE'S NO PROOF

THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE KILLS.

THE TOBACCO COMPANIES SAY THERE'S NO PROOF

THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE KILLS.

I'VE JUST BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH TERMINAL LUNG CANCER.

I GUESS... I'M THE PROOF.

THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO BELIEVE

THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE DOESN'T KILL,

THINK ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE BY THE TIME YOU SEE THIS COMMERCIAL

I'LL BE DEAD.

DEAD ?

AND CUT !

GREAT, WE GOT IT !

WRAP UP, PEOPLE, THAT WAS FANTASTIC !

WHAT-- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, I'LL BE DEAD ?

HEY, WHAT WAS THAT DEAD PART ?

THAT WAS VERY GOOD, ERIC.

HERE, EAT THIS CUPCAKE.

UH... NO THANKS, I'M NOT HUNGRY.

BUT YOU ARE.

JUST EAT THIS ONE CUPCAKE.

IT HAS SPRINKLES.

I'M NOT EATING THE CUPCAKE.

ERIC, DO YOU KNOW WHAT A HERO IS ?

A HERO IS SOMEBODY WHO SACRIFICES HIMSELF

FOR THE GOOD OF OTHERS.

YOU CAN BE A HERO, ERIC.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS EAT THE CUPCAKE.

JESUS CHRIST !

HEY !

( panting )

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CARTMAN ?

THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME !

WHO'S GOING TO KILL YOU ?

THE ANTI-SMOKING PEOPLE !

THEY HAD ME SAY I DIED FROM SECONDHAND SMOKE

AND NOW THEY WANT TO SACRIFICE ME TO MAKE IT LOOK REAL !

THEY'LL STOP AT NOTHING !

WELL, GET AWAY FROM US THEN !

YEAH, DUDE, DON'T GET US KILLED TOO !

YOU GUYS HAVE TO HELP ME !

NO, DUDE, GET AWAY !

PLEASE YOU GUYS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO !

STOP IT, CARTMAN, GO DIE ON YOUR OWN !

IF I GO, YOU GUYS GO !

DAD !

WHAT ?

THE ANTI-SMOKING PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO KILL CARTMAN

AND HE WON'T STAY AWAY FROM US !

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, BOYS.

THE ANTI-SMOKING PEOPLE ARE KIND, CARING AND INTELLIGENT.

YOUR HEADS HAVE JUST BEEN CORRUPTED

BY THE LIES OF THE BIG TOBACCO COMPANIES.

HEY, MAYBE THAT'S IT, YOU GUYS.

MAYBE THE TOBACCO COMPANY CAN HELP US !

HELP YOU, FATASS !

WE WEREN'T IN THE COMMERCIAL, REMEMBER ?

YEAH, GO TO THE TOBACCO COMPANY YOURSELF.

WELL, THAT'S FINE !

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE MY FRIENDS BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

YEAH, DUDE, YOU WERE TOTALLY WRONG.

UH-HUH.

YOU GUYS, I AM SERIOUSLY GETTING PISSED OFF NOW !

NOW COME ON, WE'RE GOING TO THE TOBACCO COMPANY !

OH, ALL RIGHT !

NO !

WHAT WE REALLY SHOULD DO IS GO TO OUR PARENTS RIGHT NOW

AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SMOKING OURSELVES.

EVEN IF IT MEANS GETTING GROUNDED.

WHY ?

BECAUSE, IF WE GO TO THE TOBACCO COMPANY

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'LL HAPPEN !

THEY'LL TAKE US IN,

AND THEN ROB REINER WILL SHOW UP

WITH ALL THE TOWNSPEOPLE HOLDING TORCHES OR SOMETHING

AND THERE'LL BE A BIG SHOWDOWN

UNTIL WE TALK ABOUT WHAT WE LEARNED

AND CHANGE EVERYONE'S MINDS.

THIS IS ALL FOLLOWING A FORMULA !

SO IT'S EITHER DEAL WITH ALL THAT

OR BE GROUNDED FOR THREE WEEKS.

( angry shouting )

GOD DAMMIT.

GIVE US THE CHILD !

WE WILL NOT !

THERE, YOU SEE THAT ?

THE TOBACCO COMPANY WON'T GIVE US THE KID !

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ?

BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT IF THEY GIVE US THAT KID

THEN WE'LL KILL HIM !

AND WHEN OUR COMMERCIAL GOES ON THE AIR

IT WILL LOSE THEM BUSINESS !

YEAH ! THAT'S RIGHT !

( Mr. Mackey ) WAIT A MINUTE-- WHAT ?

YEAH, WHEN WE KILL THE KID, PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK

IT'S BECAUSE OF SECONDHAND SMOKE,

AND THEN THESE BASTARDS AREN'T GONNA MAKE MONEY,

AND THEY KNOW IT !

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ?

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

OH GOD DAMMIT, DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS AGAIN ?

SMOKING IS BAD, PEOPLE !

SO IF WE HAVE TO BE A LITTLE EXTREME TO STOP IT, IT'S OKAY !

NO, IT ISN'T, YOU FAT TURD !

BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY.

YOU JUST HATE-- SEE ? I KNEW IT.

YUP.

YOU JUST HATE SMOKING

SO YOU USE ALL YOUR MONEY AND POWER

TO FORCE OTHERS TO THINK LIKE YOU,

AND THAT'S CALLED FASCISM, YOU TUBBY ASSHOLE !

GOD DAMMIT, THERE WILL BE NO MORE SMOKING !

IT WASN'T THE TOBACCO COMPANY'S FAULT THAT WE SMOKED.

IT WAS OUR FAULT, US.

WE SHOULD ALL TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

INSTEAD OF LETTING FAT FASCISTS LIKE HIM TELL US WHAT TO DO !

YOU'RE RIGHT, BOYS, M'KAY !

YEAH, LET SMOKERS SMOKE !

YEAH ! THAT'S RIGHT !

HEY, MR. REINER !

WHY DON'T YOU-- BUTT OUT !

( laughter )

I'M WARNING YOU !

DON'T MESS WITH ANTI-SMOKING GROUPS !

I DON'T IDOLIZE YOU ANYMORE, ASSHOLE !

MY GOO !

MY PRECIOUS GOO !

SO KYLE, IT WASN'T THE TOBACCO COMPANY

THAT MADE YOU WANT TO SMOKE ?

NO.

WELL THEN, YOU ARE GROUNDED, MISTER !

YOU TOO, ERIC.

WELL, I GUESS WE LEARNED OUR LESSON.

NO, WE DIDN'T DUDE...

NO, WE DIDN'T.

♪ WITH A HIDE-E-LI-DE-E-LIE ♪

♪ AND A HIDE-E-LIE-DE-LAY ♪

♪ WE WORK AND WE MAKE CIGARETTES ♪

♪ ALL HIDE-E-LIDE-E-DAY ♪

♪ SO FOLKS CAN GET A BREAK-E ♪

♪ FROM THEIR STRESSFUL LIDE-LIVES ♪

♪ AND RELAX-Y WITH THE CIGARETTES ♪

♪ WE MAKE ALL DAY AND NIGHT ♪

♪ I LIKE TO HAVE A CIGARETTE EVERY NOW AND THEN ♪

♪ IT MAKES ME FEEL CALMER WHEN THE DAY IS AT AN END ♪

♪ AND IF IT GIVES ME CANCER WHEN I'M 80 I DON'T CARE-- ♪♪