Original subtitles

captioning made possible by comedy central

♪ i'm going down to south park ♪

♪ gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ going down to south park ♪

♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ ample parking day or night ♪

♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

♪ headin' on up to south park ♪

♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪

♪ ( muffled mumble muffled mumble ) ♪

♪ so come on down to south park ♪

♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪♪

♪ summertime love's gonna get me down ♪

♪ summertime is right for touchin' in the night ♪

♪ girl, won't you feel my summertime ♪

♪ come on and touch my summertime ♪♪

stan, are you okay ?

yeah, dad, we're just rehearsing our band.

ohh, i thought a group of vietnamese people

were having their intestines

pulled out through their mouths.

ha ha ha ha haa ! ha ha ha ha haa !

he's right, dude, we have to define our style

if we're ever going to make a platinum album.

i mean, i'm a fusion guy,

but kenny's background is more latin-jazz.

yup, uh-huh.

yeah, and i'm more hip-hop and r & b oriented.

i think our band better buy a whole bunch of music cds

to listen to for inspiration.

inspiration...

wait a minute, that's it !

inspiration, you guys. don't you see ?

see what ?

our band should play christian rock !

christian rock ?

think about it !

it's the easiest, crappiest music in the world, right ?

if we just play songs about how much we love jesus,

all the christians will buy our crap !

that's a retarded idea, cartman !

it worked forcreed!

i don't wanna be in a stupid christian rock band !

you just start that way, stan, then you cross over !

it's genius !

just get the hell out of here, cartman !

you're not serious and you're a detriment to the band !

oh yeah ?

i will bet you 10 bucks

that if i start a christian rock band

i can get a platinum album before you guys do !

you're on, fat boy !

okay, fine !

ready-- first one to have a platinum album wins.

go !

( huffing )

what a stupid asshole.

platinum album ! platinum album !

gotta make a platinum album before kyle !

oh, hi, eric.

butters, get your drum set and meet me at my house !

we have to make a platinum album !

hurry, butters !

oho !

no time to waste ! platinum album !

must beat kyle !

token, get the bass guitar out of your basement

and meet me over at my house !

what ?!

we don't have a bass guitar.

your family's black, token,

there's bound to be a bass guitar

in your basement somewhere !

boy, you sure seem driven, eric.

you must really have some inspiration.

yes, the tears of kyle broflovski

when he loses his $10 to me.

hey, there was a bass guitar in my basement.

i told you, token.

so, what are we doing ?

gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most amazing,

life-affirming, financially windfalling

experiences of our young lives.

wow !

we are going to start... a christian rock band.

aww...

i'm out.

wait !

walk out that door, token,

and you'll regret it the rest of your life !

christians have a built-in audience

of over 180 million americans.

if each one of them buys just one of our albums

at $12.95 that would be--

two billion, 331 million dollars.

still want to leave, token ?

thank you.

dad, can i borrow $300 ?

$300 ! what in the world for ?!

our band can't find a stylistic direction to go in.

we need to go down to the mall

to buy hundreds of cds to listen to

so we can define our sound.

sorry, kyle, we gave you your allowance already.

can't you see this is my dream ?!

music is my life !

it wasn't your life yesterday.

look, pops, i've got the music inside me.

it's in my soul.

and i know my place is up on that stage.

i'm gonna make it to the top.

and i just want your blessing, pops.

the answer is no, kyle.

aw, come on, dad, don't be such a jew !

kyle, don't belittle your own people !

argh !

hey, dude.

it didn't work.

my stupid jew dad won't lend me money for cds.

no, dude, it's cool.

kenny says you can download music for free

on the internet !

really ?

yeah !

you got a computer ?

see, everyone on the internet copies music from their cds

and then we can download them for free

and play 'em on the computer !

all right, cool !

let's download somemetallica

and some stevie wonder.

mprh rmph rmhprmh rmh !

kenny's right,

we should download somejudas priest,too.

judas priest...

wow ! downloading music for free is awesome !

( helicopter whirring, police siren )

what the hell is that ?

i don't know, let me check--

freeze, f.b.i. !

down on the ground ! down on the ground !

hands ! let me see those hands !

tango team is at point bravo !

suspects in custody !

move move move !

move move move !

keep your hands up ! out to the car !

kyle, what did you do ?

i don't know !

all right guys, this is gonna be so easy.

all we have to do to make christian songs

is take regular old songs and add jesus stuff to them !

see, all we have to do is cross out words like "baby"

and "darlin'" and replace them with...

jeeesus.

all right, butters, give me a beat.

( mid-tempo beat )

okay, nice, very nice.

all right, token, give me a smooth bass line.

i don't know how to play bass.

token, how many times do we have to go through this ?

you're black. you can play bass.

i'm getting sick of your stereotypes.

be as sick as you want,

just give me a goddamn bass line !

( funky bass line )

goddammit.

all right, nice, fellas, nice.

♪ i need you in my life ♪

♪ jesus ♪

♪ i can't live without you ♪

♪ jesus ♪

♪ and i just want to feel you deep inside me ♪

♪ jesus ♪♪

awesome !

um, sir ?

shut up !!

you downloaded a lot of songs.

says here, you even downloaded judas priest.

that's hard time you boys are looking at.

you got anything to say for yourselves ?

we... we didn't think it was that big a deal.

not a big deal ?

you think downloading music for free is not a big deal ?

put your coats on, i'm gonna show you something.

and i don't think you're gonna like it.

this is the home of lars ulrich,

the drummer for metallica.

look, there's lars now, sitting by his pool.

what's the matter with him ?

this month he was hoping to have a gold-plated

shark tank bar installed right next to the pool.

but thanks to people

downloading his music for free

he must now wait a few months before he can afford it.

( whimpering )

come, there's more.

here's britney spears' private jet.

notice anything ?

britney used to have agulfstream iv,

now she's had to sell it and get a gulfstream iii

because people like you chose to download her music for free.

( sighs )

the gulfstream iii doesn't even have a remote control

for its surround sound dvd system.

still think downloading music for free is no big deal ?

we... didn't realize what we were doing.

that is the folly of man.

now look in this window.

here you see the loving family of master p.

next week is his son's birthday

and all he's ever wanted is an island in french polynesia.

so, he's gonna get it, right ?

i see an island without an owner.

if things keep going the way they are

the child will not get his tropical paradise.

we're sorry !

we'll never download music for free again !

man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes

before he acts selfishly or else i fear...

recording artists will be forever doomed

to a life of only semi-luxury.

( sea gulls squawking )

almost there, guys.

ow.

why the hell did you tell us to dress nice

to take us out here ?

because, token, we have to take pictures for our album cover.

the key to a hot selling christian rock album

is a flashy, inspirational album cover.

wow, neat-o ! an album cover !

this christian album better make as much money

as you said it would, tubby.

i'm going to kill you one day, token.

what did you say ?

nothing !

all right, guys, stand over there

and look wholesome and cool.

i have a timer on this thing so i can get in shot too.

cheese !

no, no, no !

haven't you guys ever seen an album cover ?

you're supposed to be standing in random places,

looking away like you don't care.

cheese !

( eric ) no, butters, you can't look happy on a album cover !

that's not cool !

oh.

token, look away to the right.

more... more !

why the hell would i be looking way over there ?

so it looks like you're too cool to care

that you're on an album cover, you black asshole !

now just hold it !

our first album cover.

♪ don't ever leave me jesus ♪

♪ i couldn't stand to see you go ♪

♪ my heart would simply snap, my lord ♪

♪ if you walked on out that door ♪

♪ i promise i'll be good to you ♪

♪ and keep you warm at night ♪

♪ jesus, jesus, jesus ♪

♪ why don't we just shut off the light ♪

thanks for releasing them to us, detective.

sorry for all the trouble they caused.

it's all right, i think these boys learned their lesson.

boy, i'll say.

if you parents will just step over here

you can pay their $400 release and penalty fees.

$400 ?

just for downloading some songs off the internet ?

it's not that big a deal.

not a big deal, huh ?!

come with me, i'm gonna show you something.

and i don't think you're gonna like it !

oof, dude, i can't wait to just go back home

and get back to band practice.

yeah.

no ! didn't you guys learn anything ?

look, if we make an album, all that's gonna happen

is that people are gonna steal our songs for free

off the internet ! we won't make a dime !

oh, yeah.

until we get people to stop downloading music for free

i say we refuse to play !

yeah !

tom, i'm standing in south park, colorado

where the rock band "moop" has refused to play !

the strike started yesterday

and could go well into next week !

oh, hey guys, how's it going ?

we're not letting you back in the band, cartman.

( bleep ) off.

i don't want to be in your crappy band, guys.

i just wanted to let you know

the album for my christian rock band, "faith plus one",

is about to go platinum.

it is ?!

that's right, we've already sold 13 copies.

you wanna pay me that $10 bet now, kyle ?

♪ nya-nya nya-nya nya, nya ♪

hey-hey hey-hey heeey, hey !

you get a platinum album for selling one million copies,

you fat turd !

it's just a matter of time, my friends.

this weekend is christfest,

the single largest gathering of christians in the midwest.

each one of them a walking, praying wallet full of cash.

and i'll be there selling my album.

you'll never get a platinum album

doing christian rock, cartman !

it was a stupid idea then and it's a stupid idea now !

yeah, you don't even know anything about christianity !

i know enough to exploit it.

just get that 10 bucks ready kyle !

ta ta !

go ahead, people will just download your songs for free

on the internet anyways !

what a dumbass-- our band is way cooler than his !

yeah !

psalm t-shirts !

get a t-shirt with your favorite psalm !

leather-bound bibles ! show your faith !

yes, it's really the best christian album

that's ever been produced actually.

ooh, this would be great for my grandchildren.

they need hip cool music, but with inspirational lyrics.

i think that's what the whole world needs.

praise christ.

we're not really christian, we're just pretendin' we are !

butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.

( man over pa ) all right, everyone !

welcome to christfest 2003 !

are you ready for some live music ?

( crowd cheering )

yeah, jesus !

then let's give it up now

for one of christian rock's biggest bands--

trinity !

♪ he's the shepherd and the light ♪

♪ and his word lifted me up ♪

♪ and i praise his holy name wherever i go... ♪

dammit !

if we're gonna sell our hot christian album

we have got to get on that stage !

hey, is this the way to the backstage ?

who are you ?

we're the band sanctified.

we play metal and punk

but with lyrics that inspire faith in christ.

yeah, we prove that christian music can be tough and hardcore.

yeah, you guys are real hardcore.

you bet your gosh darn rear-end we are !

all right, sanctified ? you guys are up next.

yeah ! let's do it !

sent down from heaven !

the spirit and the glory !

hey, guys wait--

we wanna pray with you before you go onstage.

oh, that's cool.

always good to be prayin' before you're playin'.

let's just go in here so we can hear ourselves better.

lord father in heaven, we thank you for all your blessings...

hey, eric, i don't think they can get out !

all right, christians, how are we feeling tonight ?!

praise jesus ! praise him !

well let's keep this salvation train going

with the hot band, sanctified !

( whispers )

uh, uh, apparently there's been a change.

give it up for-- faith plus one !

you know, jesus,

i've been thinking a lot about you lately.

and, well, that's why i wrote this song...

♪ i love you, jesus ♪

i want you to walk with me ♪

♪ i'll take good care of ya, baby ♪

♪ call ya my baby baaaby ♪

♪ you died for my sins ♪

♪ and you know that i would die for you-- right ? ♪

♪ what's the matter, baby ?

♪ you're tremblin' jesus baby ♪

♪ your love is my light ♪

♪ you know when i'm without you ♪

♪ there's a black hole in my life ♪

♪ ohh, i wanna believe it's all right ♪

♪ but i get lonely in the night ♪

♪ and it's up to you to save me ♪

♪ jesus baby ♪♪

dude, i didn't know being in a band

was gonna be this tough.

yeah, it's tough.

but it's times like these

that you see what your band is made of.

we've gotta fight through the rough times likejourney.

tom, we're now entering the second day

of the rock band moop's refusal to play

and the second day of absolutely no other news to report on.

in a recent poll we asked people if moop's refusal to play

would stop them from downloading music off the internet.

1% percent said "yes", 2% said "no",

and 97% said "who the hell is moop ?"

back to you, tom.

hey, are you the guys protesting

free internet music downloading ?

hey, it's that lars ulrich guy !

that's right, metallica is behind you dudes %1000 !

we're gonna sit here and protest with you

until free downloading stops !

tom, it appears now the musicians strike is growing.

as i'm speaking, more musicians are arriving !

it looks like alanis morisette, blink 182,britney spears

and dozens of others are going to join moop

in not playing music.

this is a veritable strike-apalooza !

guys, we here atfaith records

were very moved by your performance at christfest.

you're one of the most talented

christian rock bands we've ever heard !

thank you so much.

christ has really blessed us with talent.

( laughing ) yeah !

we just had one question, though.

we were looking over some of your lyrics...

uh, "i want to walk hand in hand with jesus

"on a private beach for two.

"i want him to nibble on my ear

"and say, 'i'm here for you'--"

it seems you really love christ.

yes, we sure do.

no, but it appears you are actually

in lovewith christ.

well, what are you saying,

that you don't really love christ ?

well, of course i do, i mean, i just--

well, what's the difference ?

you love christ, you're in love with christ ?

i mean, what the heck is this ?!

we just like to make sure the bands we sign

are in it for god and not for the money.

i resent that, sir.

i have never in my life done anything just for the money.

if i'm lying, may the lord strike me down right now.

uh, oh...

that's all we needed to know.

just sign here and we'll get your album sold.

( announcer ) k-tal recordspresents

the most inspirational

christian rock band in the world--

faith plus one.

featuring the very best in good, wholesome

christian music.

♪ oh lord you are my savior ♪

♪ you know i miss you so much when you are gone... ♪♪

with great inspirational songs like

"i wasn't born again yesterday".

♪ yes i may be born again ♪

♪ but i wasn't born again yesterday... ♪♪

♪ i wanna get down on my knees and start pleasin' jesus ♪

♪ i wanna feel his salvation all over my face... ♪

the cds is filled with instant classics.

who doesn't remember...

♪ the body of christ ♪

♪ sleek, swimmer's body all muscled up and toned ♪

♪ the body of christ ♪

♪ oh what a body, i wish i could call it my own... ♪♪

♪ you one time, two times three times my savior... ♪♪

♪ whenever i see jesus up on that cross ♪

♪ i can't help but think that he looks kind of hot... ♪♪

this album is not available in stores

and limited quantities are available !

so order now !

i can't take this much longer.

maybe we're just not cut out to be in a band.

you guys, we can't give up on our dreams now !

as soon as this strike ends

we're gonna be the biggest band ever !

yeah, if we all give in now, people might never stop

downloading our music for free !

i'm sure we're gonna get word any minute

that people have agreed to stop.

certified letter for the rock band moop ?

that's us !

"dear moop, this letter is to inform you

"that faith plus one's debut album

has just sold one million copies."

what ?!

"we cordially invite you to

"attend the platinum album award ceremony

"which will be held tomorrow morning at 10.

"details and proof of sales enclosed.

p.s. nya-nya nya-nya nya, nya, ha-ha ha-ha ha, ha."

he did it... cartman got a platinum album.

is this for real ?

this is for real !

he beat us.

because all this time we've been so caught up

with how to protect our music, that we forgot to just play !

but why play if we're not gonna make millions of dollars ?

because that's what real artists do.

people are always going to find a way

to copy our music and swap it for free.

if we're real musicians, then we should just play

and be stoked that so many people are listening !

besides, maybe our songs would have gotten downloaded for free,

but if they were good songs,

then people still would have bought tickets

to see our band in concert.

from now on, moop isn't about money--

moop is about music !

we're not striking anymore.

who's with us !

we're just about the money.

yeah. yeah.

yeah.

oh.

so, dude, what are you gonna do about your bet with cartman ?

are you gonna pay him ?

i don't have a choice, dude.

i'm gonna swallow my pride, face cartman

and say, "congratulations, you were right."

and i'm gonna give him the $10.

and hopefully, he won't make a big deal out of it.

( marching band playing, elephant trumpeting )

welcome ! welcome everyone !

please, enjoy, the presentation should begin shortly.

cartman, what the hell is all this ?

our platinum album ceremony-- i've spared no expense.

but you spent all the money we made !

we're faith plus one, token, there'll be plenty more money.

relax and enjoy, black asshole.

there's hors d'oeuvres and drinks

by the ferris wheel, everyone !

oh, kyle, guys, so nice to see you !

let's just get this over with, cartman.

you won the bet, here's $10.

oh, no no no-- not yet, kyle.

hold on.

everyone, everyone, can i have your attention, please ?

( cheering )

woo-hoo ! faith plus one !

we love you ! praise christ !

yes, yes, thank you, praise him.

i think we're ready to start now.

( announcer ) welcome to the presentation ceremony

for faith plus one !

( audience cheering )

and now to present the award, here's michael collins !

this is the worst day of my life.

ahh, this is the best day of my life.

boys, in recognition of over one million records sold

the christian recording industry is pleased to present you

with this-- myrrh album !

thank you very-- wait, myrrh album ?

i thought albums went either gold or platinum.

no, no, in christian rock our albums go gold,

then frankincense then myrrh.

congratulations !

ha ! our bet was that you would get a platinum album

not a myrrh album !

i don't owe you anything, fat boy !

do you mean to tell me i can never get a platinum album

with a christian rock band ?

no, but you can go double myrrh.

goddammit !

( gasps from audience )

oh, please don't take the lord's name in vain !

who cares ?!

i can never win my bet because you stupid assholes

don't give out platinum albums !

but you've spread the word of the lord.

you've brought faith in jesus !

oh, ( bleep ) jesus !

( gasps )

( woman shrieks )

eric, i'm pretty sure

you shouldn't say the "f" word about jesus.

yeah, you're gonna hurt the band !

who ( bleeping ) cares, token ?

i can never beat kyle now !

i'll say it again ! ( bleep ) jesus !

( audience screaming )

my ears are bleeding !

good job, dick head !

you lost the entire audience !

ah, ( bleep ) you, token, you black asshole !

ah ! oh !

eh !

( coughing )

hmm, guess he got what he deserved.

( eric coughing, wheezing )

( bleep ) you, eric !

( eric ) ♪ the body of christ ♪

♪ sleek, swimmer's body all muscled up and toned ♪

♪ the body of christ ♪

♪ oh what a body, i wish i could call it my own ♪

♪ lord almighty i've never been so enticed ♪

♪ oh i wish i could have the body of christ ♪

♪ the body of christ ♪

♪ the body of christ ♪

♪ the body of christ ♪

♪ lord almighty i've never been so enticed ♪

♪ oh i wish i could have the body of christ ♪♪