Original subtitles

Robbie, close that icebox door

and go set the table.

Okay, Bub.

Uh, Bub, you want me to slop this milk all over the floor,

trying to pour it back in the bottle,

or do you think I should kind of drink it

to sort of get rid of it?

All right, drink it and then go set the table.

Thanks.

Hey, Bub, can Sudsy stay for dinner?

No!

He's right behind ya.

Sudsy, we'll be glad to have you stay for dinner...

Only we're having, uh, liver.

Then how come you're cutting those chops?

Uh, Chip, uh, there isn't enough food

for a whole bunch of company.

Sure there is. Dad won't be here.

And besides, Mike's staying over at the fraternity house.

My mother already said I could stay.

Well, that's real nice of her.

I'm glad to hear that.

And she said I had to eat everything,

and say "thank you" even if you have stuff I hate.

Well, that's fine, son.

That's fine. HANK: Douglas!

Oh, come on in, Hank. Now, you two go and get lost,

till I call you for dinner.

Go on, get out of here. Hi.

Boy, am I in trouble, Rob.

Hi, Mr. O'Casey. Hi, Hank.

What kind of trouble?

Blonde or brunette?

Both... I think.

Well, anyway, I already asked Mary Alice Carter to the dance,

then all of a sudden, my mother comes up with a friend

that has a daughter that I have to take, too.

What was that?

Oh, Hank's got two girls

that he's supposed to take to the dance.

Oh?

I don't mind my mom

having friends that she went to school with.

But why do they have to go and foul it up by having daughters?

It's the most thoughtless thing I ever heard of.

Well, look, Hank, what's the big deal?

All you have to do is find someone

to take one of the girls off your hands.

Well, that's sort of why I came over, Rob.

Uh... I'll tell you what, Hank.

I'll take her.

I don't have a date for the dance yet, anyway.

Oh, that's real neat. Thanks a lot, Douglas.

Think nothing of it, Hank.

Hey, uh, what's Mary Alice Carter's number?

I'll call her right now. Hey, wait a minute!

She's my date!

Now, look, I had to hang around her locker

for almost three weeks before she'd even speak to me.

Oh, come on, you don't expect me

to take some girl that might turn out to be a creep,

do you? Well, no.

My mom said she's real neat.

Oh, well, what do mothers know?

Have you seen her? Well, no.

But she can play the piano and read music and everything.

Oh, well, big deal.

Now, don't sell these musical dames short.

I knew a lady ocarina player in, uh, Ypsilanti

that made the best lasagna I ever tasted.

What does she look like?

Well, my mom says she's a real good egg.

Yeah, but what does she look like?

She got, uh, straight A's in Latin, Rob.

Yeah, but what does she look like?

And she took ballet for three whole years.

Yes, but what does she look like?

Mike, listen, this girl can do two full laps

across the Bryant Park Pool... underwater!

Yes, Tim, but what does she look like?

That, I don't know.

Then why should I get stuck with her?

She might turn out to be a real dud.

Listen, Mike, I'll give you five dollars

if you'll take her out just the one night.

Oh, she must be a dud. No, no, no, no, it's not that.

She was Bob Wilson's blind date,

but he gave me five dollars to take her out for him,

and I said I would, but now I got this chance

to go lifeguarding over at the lake this weekend,

and I can make 30 bucks.

You guys are passing her around like she's a bag of jellybeans.

I'm beginning to feel sorry for the girl. I knew you'd do it!

I'll call her and make all the arrangements. Hey, wait a minute.

I didn't say I'd do anything.

I don't even know this girl's name.

It's Bunny, Bonney, Honey... Something like that.

I'll call up Bob and get all the details for you.

Why didn't Bob take her out?

He's got the mumps.

Well, listen, she thinks that he is taking her out

to a movie and dinner.

So, so pick out a nice restaurant, huh?

She thinks that Bob is taking her out?

Yeah, sure.

It would hurt her feelings

if she knew she was being passed around.

Hey, here's the five bucks.

Well, as long as I'm getting stuck with her.

You bet she might be the type that orders caviar.

Oh, boy, Tim, I'm not sure about this whole deal.

I knew I could count on you, buddy.

Thanks a lot.

Boy, thanks a lot, Douglas.

Next time my dad says, "What do you see in that Robbie Douglas?"

I'll tell him what a real pal you are.

Bye, Mr. O'Casey.

Good-bye.

Patsy.

Heck, Bub.

Maybe she might turn out to be real neat.

Yeah. I never went on a blind date in my life

that the girl didn't turn out to be a reject.

Well, this girl might be different.

They're never any different.

I remember one time we were playing...

Perth Amboy, and the juggler on the bill got me a date.

Cutest little thing you ever saw:

wonderful shape, great, big baby-blue eyes,

and the cutest, little black mustache.

I'm only kidding.

Your girl will probably turn out to be real doll.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure.

I'll get it.

Sigma Gam House.

Somebody named Bonnie wants to talk to Bob Wilson.

What's his home number?

Wait, I'll take it.

Hello?

Um, uh, Bob isn't here right now.

Can I take a message?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Oh, uh, wait a second.

I'll see if I can find out his address.

It's your date. She says she'd just as soon

drop by your house in town as have you go and pick her up.

Well, that doesn't do me any good.

I'll be out here.

Hello?

What should I tell Bob in case he asks

why you want to stop by his place?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

That's very nice of you. Uh, just a second.

Listen, she said she's going to be at her girlfriend's in town,

and she can have her girlfriend drop her off at your place.

What is it, 837?

Yeah, well, wait a minute...

837 Mill Street. Uh-huh.

Oh, just a second.

Yes? As long as she's in such a generous mood,

why doesn't she have her girlfriend drop her out here?

Because somebody would probably call you Mike right in front of her.

Hello? Well, listen, I'll give that message to Bob now,

and if you don't hear anything,

that means the whole deal's set.

Fine. Okay.

Bye-bye.

She's got a voice just like silk.

Uh-huh.

I've got half a mind to take her out myself.

Well, good. She's yours. Uh-uh, no.

The other half a mind says, "Grab the 30 bucks."

Hey, look out, meathead!

Where did you learn to drive, birdbrain?

I think I'm going to go get a car with wheels.

Yeah, get me one, too. Okay.

Somebody get the phone!

I'm up to my elbows in batter.

Hello?

Hello. Who is this?

Sudsy Pfeiffer.

Sudsy Pfeiffer?

Yeah, I'm a kid.

Are you a friend of Chip's?

Most of the time.

Look, is there a grownup around there I can talk to?

Just Mr. O'Casey.

And he don't want to talk on account

that he's got batter on his elbows.

Well, look, get a pencil and paper, 'cause I'm gonna

give you a message, and I want you to get it right.

Okay.

Tell Robbie that he has to pick up his date tonight.

She lives at 1120 State Street.

When do I start writing?

Now! 1120 State Street.

Write it down.

1120... what street?

State Street.

S-T-A-T-E. Have you got it?

Yeah.

Read it to me.

He's supposed to pick up a girl at 1120 State Street.

Good. Now, look, don't forget to tell him, 'cause I'm not

going to be here the rest of the day, and he can't reach me.

Okay. You want to say "good-bye" first

or do you want me to?

Good-bye, Sudsy.

Here, you can have this one. Okay.

A guy just called, and he said for me to tell your brother

about a girl that lives here.

What about her?

He's supposed to pick her up.

And you'd better be sure to tell him,

or this guy might come over and beat me up or something.

Well, okay. I'll do it later.

You'd better tell him now.

This guy had a mean voice like a gangster or something.

Okay.

Besides, every time I forget and tell Mike and Robbie

about some girl, they just get sore.

Sigma Gam House.

Yeah, just a minute. I'll write that down.

1120 State Street.

Did she say what time?

Okay, I guess Mike knows.

Good-bye.

Hey, Dad? Hmm?

Can I borrow one of your dark ties?

Sure, help yourself. You usually do.

You're, uh, going out on a date tonight, too, huh, Dad?

Yeah, I thought I would.

Gee, it must be kind of neat to be so old

that you don't even get nervous when you take somebody out.

Are you, uh, nervous about your blind date?

Oh, yeah, kind of.

Well, Rob, just remember, she's probably

as nervous as you are... Maybe more so.

Yeah. Bub says you're all set.

I mean, uh, you've got a way to get to the dance, huh?

Well, yeah. I guess so.

What do you mean you guess so?

Well... well, Hank made all the arrangements.

Oh, all right. Well, you know how it is, Dad.

The girl's dad picks up the guy,

and, well, then he takes us to the dance,

and he gets lost while the dance goes on. Oh?

Then after the dance, he picks us up

and takes us to someplace to eat ice cream,

and he waits in the car while we eat the ice cream.

Then he takes the guy home, and then he takes the girl home.

Well, I, uh, hope the three of you have a nice time.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks, Dad.

Hey, uh, don't forget your coat.

Oh, yeah. Thanks. Bye.

Good night. Have fun.

Well, I'm all set.

Wish me luck. Mm.

You know, that voice of hers still haunts me.

Something tells me you're gonna come out way ahead on this deal.

Yeah, I notice she already

changed her mind about saving me so much trouble.

Now, I've got to go out to her house and pick her up.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

How would she know to leave a message for me

if she thinks she's going out with Bob?

She gave the message to Andy,

and Andy knows that you're supposed to be Bob.

Oh, yeah.

"1120 State Street."

Hey, listen, if she turns out to be a goddess,

don't tell me, huh?

I don't want to know what I've missed.

See you later. See you later.

Pardon me, little boy, do you mind? Oh.

They, uh, haven't shown up yet, huh? No, not yet, Dad.

You're sure you don't want me to drop you off someplace?

No, no, thanks, Dad. You go ahead.

Have a good time. You, too, Robbie.

So long, Bub! Don't wait up for me.

Okay. So long.

Robbie, I, uh... I hope she's everything you expect.

Of course, I, uh, I don't know what you expect.

I mean, uh... well, you know what I mean.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Dad. Good night.

Hank's not home.

Should he be?

Well, I guess not.

He probably went to the dance,

and this girl's father probably can't find our house.

Oh, don't you know?

Well, that's what usually happens.

You kids treat each other like you're all equipped with radar.

Why don't you make some sensible arrangements

if you're taking a girl out?

Oh, there they are.

Don't wait up for me, Bub.

Bob?

Uh, no.

I mean, well, yeah.

Well, no. My name's Robbie.

Uh, come on in.

Are you Janie?

No, I'm Bonnie.

Oh. I thought your name was going to be Janie?

Are you the one that I'm supposed

to have a blind date with?

Apparently.

Boy.

What?

Uh, nothing.

Well, uh, would you like to sit down

for a minute or something? I'll be right with you.

But, Bub, she's a giant.

I don't care if she's a bearded lady.

You made a contract to take her out,

and that's exactly what you're going to do.

But, Bub, she... she's real old.

She is? Yeah.

The old one must have gone.

The one that's out there now is a little doll.

No, that's her.

It is? Yeah.

Well, here.

You can't just let her sit out there.

You'll need some extra loot.

Here. Take a cab.

A cab?

But, Bub, I don't even know

how to talk to a cabdriver.

Try English.

Here. Do what I tell you. But, Bub, please.

Come on, don't... Here. take a cab.

Go ahead, now!

Boy, you just wait till I get my hands on that Hank.

Uh... Is your, uh, sister here?

I don't have a sister.

Are you my date?

No, I-I don't think so.

Is your name Robert?

No.

Well, yeah, it is Bob, but... Oh, boy.

He's here, Mom.

Bye. Uh...

I don't usually like blind dates,

but I think tonight's going to be an exception.

Yeah.

Oh, for me?

Thank you!

Don't be late, children.

We won't.

You can count on it.

I guess that's a picture of the, uh, taxicab driver

on the back of the seat.

I suppose it is.

He... he probably had to go someplace to have it taken.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, you know what?

Uh, I was in four places in our yearbook this year.

Fine.

You see, I... I was in, uh...

I was in the boys' gym picture,

and I was in the, uh...

uh, class C, uh, wrestling team,

and I was, uh, in-in junior orchestra.

And, uh, then I was in, uh... uh, homeroom.

Mm.

Uh, of course, everybody's in homeroom,

so I guess you couldn't count that.

Uh... did... did you ever play basketball?

Why do you ask a thing like that?

Well, you... No reason.

You're the first boy I've ever known

who owned his own car, Bob. Swell.

Mary Lou, that's my best girlfriend,

has a boyfriend that has a car,

only he drove it to Florida... That's where he is now.

And what good is a boyfriend

that has a car in Florida if you're here?

That's right.

I don't care if I never learn to drive, myself.

Driving is for people who take control.

My mother says I should take control more

and not let other people push me around so much.

But my dad says, "Leave her alone, Ruth.

Can't you see the girl's just being feminine?"

And I guess that's what I am, feminine.

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised.

I just figured out

what you are, Bob: you're cryptic.

I'm what?

Cryptic. It's a word we have in English Lit.

It means: subtle mysterious.

And that's just what you are.

You don't say much,

but what you do say is so...

so, boy, penetrating!

Then, then on the second floor of our school,

we have the other kind of lockers.

You know, the kind with the combinations.

Oh, I'm sure they're very nice.

Oh, yeah. They're real swell.

Oh, you know what?

Over at McKinley, they, they have wooden-type of lockers,

you know, the old-fashioned kind. Oh.

I'm sorry.

Uh, I'm used to dancing with a girl

I can see where I'm going.

Somebody's going to pay for this.

Oh, I already have.

Oh, Robbie, hasn't it occurred to you that whoever

brought us together... well, they really have a warped sense of humor?

Well, no.

Um, I was expecting something awful anyhow.

My grandfather told me that all blind dates turn out to be rejects.

Oh, thanks.

And then Mary Lou and I decided

to take free-form dancing.

That's sort of like ballet, only it's kind of different.

Well, anyway, Mrs. Mortenson, she's our gym teacher,

she said that we couldn't take free-form

on account of we didn't have enough volleyball points.

So we took typing.

Yeah, good.

Aren't you having a good time, Bob?

Look, Janie, in the first place, I'm not Bob.

My name is Mike Douglas.

Somehow, the, the guys at the fraternity house

got things messed up.

Why, they even got your name wrong.

But that's the way things happen.

Fate says that "A" is supposed to meet "B,"

and she has to scramble things up

so that they'll finally come together.

It's also called "kismet."

Yeah, well, uh... it's, uh, getting late.

I-I'd better get you home.

Oh, aren't we going to a dance?

No. Uh... remember what your mother said.

How about going by the malt shop for some ice cream?

But, uh, you just

finished a whole dinner. I know.

But it'll shake down if we take a nice, long ride.

We'll see.

Mike!

Oh, hi, Dad.

We were just... Or I was just leaving.

Oh.

Mike, this is Miss Lawrence.

Helen, this is my son, Mike, and, uh...?

How do you do?

Hi. Oh, uh, this is, uh,

Janie, uh... Miller.

How do you do? How do you do?

How do you do?

Hello, Janie. Nice meeting you.

Mike, I, uh, I thought you were

spending the weekend at the fraternity house.

Yeah, well, I had to come into town.

Uh, well, there was sort of a, a mix-up and...

here I am, sort of.

You don't, uh, go to Mike's school, do you, Miss Miller?

No, sir. If they hadn't kept me back

a half term on account of Algebra,

I'd be in high school by now, though.

Well, we were just leaving.

Good-bye. Nice meeting you.

Good-bye.

If she's not in high school,

she must still be in junior high.

You know, the same thought crossed my mind.

Dad, uh, it's not what you think.

Good-bye.

Hey, Hank!

Oh, hi, Rob.

Hey, I saw you dancing before.

She one of the chaperones or something?

She's the stupid blind date you lined me up with.

Oh, boy.

My mom never told me she was as old as that.

Yeah, well, this is the most terrible night

I've ever spent in my whole life.

And if it gets any worse, somebody's gonna get belted.

Jeepers, Rob, you can't go around hitting girls!

I'm not talking about her.

I'm talking about you!

And the other dress I have is a sheath.

And the skirt's pegged and the bodice goes

into a deep vee in the back with a little bow.

It makes me look a lot older.

Hey, you sure you can see with those things on?

Oh, yes. I have very strong eyes.

Look, Janie, uh, it's getting rather late.

Don't you think we'd better...

Really, Robbie. Let's just skip the ice cream.

To tell you the truth, Bonnie, we've got to stay with Hank.

I'm not sure we'll have enough money for the cab fare home.

I can get myself home.

There's a booth over there!

Come on, let's grab it!

Mike. Hey, Mike.

What are you doing here?

That's a good question.

Janie, this is my brother Robbie.

Janie Miller. Hi, Robbie.

Hi, Uh, this is Bonnie Walters.

My brother Mike.

And-and Mary Alice Carter, and you know Hank Fergusson.

Hi, Mike. Come on. Let's grab that booth.

Well, why don't you sit down?

Ah, yeah, good idea.

Gee.

Well, where've you been?

Uh, dinner and a nice, long drive.

Where have you been?

No dinner and a nice, long dance.

Yeah.

Janie Miller?

Well, what's eating you, Hank?

Well, if she's Janie Miller,

what are you doing with her?

What are you talking about?

Janie Miller's supposed to be with you, not Mike.

She's my mother's friend's kid.

Wait a minute.

Did he say your name was Bonnie?

Yes.

Well, I'm Bob Wilson.

And I'm the one who's supposed to be with you.

I'll see ya, Bub.

Where're you going?

I got a date with Bonnie.

Don't wait up for me.

Huh.

You'd better get out there.

No wonder it was full of hair.

Where are you three heading?

I'm going over Sudsy's all night.

He just had four new kittens.

I'll go back the car up, Dad.

You will not. You wait out there for me.

I'm going to take Janie to a cotillion.

Uh, "cotillion" is a goofy way of saying "a dance."

Thank you.

How about you, Steve?

Oh, Dad's going to take Janie and me to the dance.

How come Dad's doing it is 'cause Janie's dad

went to Japan.

You see, the girl's father usually does it.

First I'm taking Chip over to Sudsy's,

and then I'm taking Rob over to pick up Janie

and taking them to the cotillion.

And then I get lost for a while and then I go back

and pick them up and take them to the ice cream parlor.

And then while they're having ice cream, I wait out in the car.

And then after they're finished having ice cream,

I... well, I take Janie home,

and then I bring Robbie home.

Well, I hope the three of you have a very nice time.

Thank you.

What am I going to do,

rattling around here all alone?

Well, why don't you join us? We'll make it a foursome.

No, thanks.

We'll see you, Bub.

Yeah. Don't wait up for us.

Uh, don't wait up for us, Bub.

Don't worry.

I'm going over to play a little pinochle with Max and Smitty.

Don't wait up for me.