Original subtitles

Hi, Mr. B. Readin' the paper?

Well, now, Hazel, what does it look like?

I was wonderin' if you got to the sports section yet? No, not yet.

I was wonderin' how that fight came out in Philadelphia last night.

Mm-hmm. You know, the one we had the dollar bet on?

All right, Hazel, I'll look for it.

It's on the second page, usually.

Oh, uh, it's the fourth column half the way down.

Well, you did get up early, didn't you?

Hmm. K.O.'d him in the third round.

Well, I don't have a single.

Well, I can change a five.

I only have a 20.

Nineteen bucks, there you are.

If you don't mind my saying so, Hazel,

sometimes I get the feeling that I'm dealing with a professional gambler.

Oh, that's okay, Mr. B.

As a matter of fact, most of the time I think I'm dealing with an amateur.

Eight times seven is 56.

Nine times seven is 63.

And 10 times is 70.

Oh, well, boy, you get a gold star for that one.

There you are. Thanks, Hazel.

All right, Professor Einstein, you can go out and play now. Okay.

Oh, good boy.

Oh, hi, Mr. Johnson, Mrs. Johnson. Come on in. Hello, Hazel.

Hazel, we have a problem. It's our maid.

Phoebe? She's left us.

- Without givin' notice? - That's right.

- Oh, that ain't ethical. - Well, nevertheless, it's happened.

- Did you have a fight? - Oh, good gracious, no.

I'm afraid I'm responsible.

- I was throwing away an old pair of suspenders. - What's that got to do with it?

Well, we have this grinder in the kitchen and... Disposal, Herbert.

- At any rate, it's supposed to grind things and, uh... - You put the suspenders in?

That's right. Hazel, you never heard such a noise in all your life.

Oh, I can believe you.

The metal on the suspenders must have sorta stripped the gears.

No. No, it was Phoebe. Screaming her head off.

She ran straight to her room, packed and left us.

She wouldn't even accept a letter of recommendation.

- Said she wouldn't give us one either. - Oh, you poor things.

Well, sit down. I'll give you a cup of tea. Tea?

Sure, I know how you love your tea in the afternoon.

But, Hazel, it's only 4:00. Oh. We never have tea before 5:00.

But in the face of this emergency, I wouldn't mind something a little stronger.

Might we have a cup of coffee?

Oh, sure. Sure. I got some heatin' up.

Come on. Sit down in the breakfast nook.

Hazel, we must seek an immediate replacement for Phoebe.

I agree with Herbert. You see, there's the dinner to be prepared.

Oh, you can't expect to find a maid today, Mrs. Johnson.

Oh, not even if we call the employment agency?

They don't keep them on the shelf, you know. They gotta call them in.

Really? Huh. Well, I always assumed they had some sort of a dormitory.

Oh, no, Mrs. Johnson. But don't you worry. I'll fix your dinner tonight.

Oh, that's awfully kind of you, Hazel, but you have the Baxters' dinner to prepare.

Oh, it's all right. I already got a runnin' start on theirs.

While you're drinkin' your coffee,

I'll just run over to the house and see what you got in.

By george, there's a servant. Yes, she's very understanding.

In the future, when I have some suspenders to dispose of, I'll bring them over here.

What do you mean, dinner will be an hour late?

I've been runnin' back and forth like a chicken with its head cut off.

Well, I like my dinner on time. George, you're being unreasonable.

Hazel is helping out in an emergency. All right, maybe so.

Them two could starve to death with a can of beans in one hand...

and a can opener in the other. All right, Hazel, I apologize.

I guess I'm a little upset because I'm so wrapped up in this Sprague deal.

You could give them a frozen TV dinner, and all they'd get would be chilblains.

All right, Hazel. You've made your point.

Yeah, and you made your apology, and I accept it.

Anyway, this situation ain't gonna last more than a couple of days.

Couple of days? Oh, well, three or four at the most.

They're bound to find a maid sometime. Hazel, do you mean to tell me...

you're gonna be dividing your time between our

house and their house for three or four days?

I can't let them starve. You could hand them a handful of crackers, and they'd...

- All right, Hazel. - Three or four days is a long time.

Don't you think we should put 'em up in the guest room? It's all right with me.

Oh, no, we don't. Mr. Sprague and I will be working at the house here tomorrow,

and I don't want to have any company.

Tell me, why should it take them so long to hire a maid?

George, the Johnsons will undoubtedly want to interview a number of prospects.

Sure, they got special requirements, and they need a special maid.

You can't put a square peg in that round hole.

If she did, she's just blow her top the way Phoebe did.

Well, Hazel, can't you do something?

You're president of that sorority or whatever it is.

The Ladies' Society of Domestic Engineers. Yeah, well, maybe I could.

Well, good, do it.

All right, I'll start phonin' around. I might be able to round up some prospects.

Fine, fine. Start phoning. It might delay dinner a little.

Well, do it after dinner. I'm starving.

All right, I'll start phonin' after I get you fed and the Johnsons fed.

Dinner's coming along nicely, Herbert. Hazel's been most helpful.

I've learned a lot from her.

Who in the world would have thought that carrots could be so easy?

And I've learned something myself merely by observation... watched pots do boil.

Potatoes.

Boiling furiously. I haven't taken my eyes off it.

See how the lid pops up because of the steam?

If someone could harness that power, it'd be quite an invention.

The potatoes done? Well, I don't know, Hazel. Herbert watched the potatoes.

Oh, done to a T.

I gotta hand it to you, Mr. Johnson. Those spuds is absolutely perfection.

Really? And... And it's my first time.

Oh, don't give me that. You sure know your potatoes.

I see the coffee's on. Yes, I turned it off about five minutes ago.

If looks awful strong. Oh?

Yeah.

For Pete's sake! What'd you put in this stuff?

Well, just as you said, Hazel, a tablespoon per cup and one for the pot.

I measured it very carefully. Instant? You put that in the percolator?

Well, yes. We were in a great hurry. Weren't we, Herbert?

You know what you've done, Miss Johnson? You've just invented a new rocket fuel.

Oh, dear, I've blundered. No, don't worry. Everybody makes a mistake like that.

All you have to do is mix it half and half with hot milk... you've got café au lait.

Oh, how lovely.

Now your dishes are right here over the sink.

Oh, and I've been looking in the dining room.

- And you know where the silverware is? - Oh, Herbert found that.

Oh, luck really. I was looking for the napkins.

Oh. Well, now, your potatoes are done, and your carrots are done,

and your roast is ready whenever you want to serve it.

Oh, isn't this fun, Herbert? I've cooked a meal.

Y-Yeah.

Well, all you have to do when you're finished is to scrape your dishes...

and just put them in the dishwasher. Uh, uh, that's the dishwasher?

Yes, Herbert. Didn't you know we had one?

Yes, of course, but, uh, I thought it was Phoebe.

On second thought, maybe you better not tangle with the dishwasher.

Just stack your dishes here on the sink. I'll come over and do 'em in the morning.

Oh, Hazel, you needn't. No trouble.

We just don't know how to thank you, Hazel.

Oh, you two. I like doin' things for people.

It's a nice feelin' knowin' somebody needs you.

Hey, Hazel! Dad wants you right away!

Of course, some people overdo it. Dad says he's starving.

Okay, we're goin', we're goin'. Bye. Good luck.

Honestly, Harold and his prayers. What tonight?

Please don't let anybody step on my pet worm. He has a pet worm?

Yes. He wanted to keep it in the house, but I

suggested he let it have the run of the yard.

Well, that's all right, as long as he doesn't snap at the mailman.

Say, I've got to call Sprague and remind him to bring over those diagrams.

George, tell him to beware of the worm.

And it's like I say, Flori,

you know, it's a terrific opportunity for a girl with the right qualifications.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, I don't want somebody goin' for the job...

just 'cause of the glamour of bein' a maid.

It ain't all hors d'oeuvres and good-lookin' butlers, you know?

Excuse me, Mr. B. I'm usin' the phone.

Hazel, will you please hurry it up? I have to put in a call to Mr. Sprague.

Well, I'm tryin' to line up a maid for the

Johnsons. I got about 20 more calls to make.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Mr. B. You don't have to yell. It was your idea.

Well, where's Harold this morning?

Oh, he finished his breakfast and went out to play.

Good morning, Mr. Baxter.

Who are you? Oh, did I do something wrong already?

No, but I would like to find out... Morning, Mr. B.

Did you meet Agnes? Not yet, but I'm trying. I would like to find out what...

Honey, you better get out and fill the sugar bowl.

It's right there on the sink, and the sugar is right beside it.

Now will somebody please tell me what's going on around here? It was your idea.

I was just trying to find a maid for the Johnsons,

and I figured that interviewin' them wasn't half as good as seein' them at work.

Well, I... I guess you are right at that. Oh, shoot, Mr. B.

I've heard you say that a dozen times about hirin' people at your office.

Well, I suppose I have said that.

Mrs. B., you married a pretty smart cookie.

You know that Hazel's all right.

She irritates me sometimes, but... Oh, she's all right.

I don't know how, but the sugar just got away from me. It happens with salt too.

Oh, you probably think I'm a terrible maid.

Why, on account of this? Oh, anybody can get nervous.

You know Warren Spahn, the pitcher for the Braves?

Well, old Spahny says even after pitchin' for 20 years,

he still gets a little anxious before a game. Does he really?

Oh, sure. All us old pros do.

Just before a big dinner party, I get butterflies on my stomach.

Goodness, what do you do about it?

I just do what old Spahny does... just get in there and fog them over.

Now here's the pancakes and blueberry syrup. That's Mr. B.'s favorite.

Come on now, just get in there and pitch.

Hi. You Hazel?

Yes. You must be... Gertrude Hammer.

Hi, come on in, Gert. Gertrude.

Oh.

I told you I'd report in at 0930 hours, and I'm right on the dot.

Well, what are my orders?

Orders? Your orders are to relax.

I got somebody warmin' up in there.

I used to work for a general. If I'd wasted my time relaxing,

- that would have meant a big snafu in the schedule. - What schedule?

Breakfast at 0600 hours, lunch at 1200 hours and dinner at 1800 hours.

I'm very G.I.

Look, Gertrude, this is a very important job and it pays good wages,

but I can't try you out till Agnes gets through in there.

So, if you want to do somethin' in the meantime, here's my marketin' list.

Oh, a list. I like organization.

Where there's organization, you'll find an efficient outfit.

That's what my general used to say. Oh, I like lists.

Now where do I do the shopping? Oh, Tillen's Market.

Just tell them to charge it to Mr. Baxter,

and I'll telephone them and say you're okay.

Right. These things have to go through channels.

What do you want to bet that general went A.W.O.L.?

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Blueberry syrup all over my favorite... What happened?

Agnes served the pancakes very nicely.

But then she tripped and spilled a little bit of syrup. That's all.

All I can do is spill things. It's all right, honey. It could happen to anyone.

And it happens to me all the time.

I'll never be a maid. I just might as well face it.

Ah, the poor kid's scared to death.

Believe me, Hazel, she'll be much happier if she goes into another line of work,

and so will the Johnsons. Maybe you're right.

Doggone syrup. Come on, Mr. B.

You better get up and change those pants so I can get to work on that spot.

You know, blueberry syrup's very funny. Once

it finds a home, it don't like to be evicted.

Come in.

Oh, hi, Miss Johnson. How's tricks? Oh, we're just fine, Hazel.

Tell me, have you found our little girl yet?

No luck yet. You'll have to get breakfast by yourself.

Do you think you can manage eggs, toast and coffee?

Oh, I'm sure I can. It'll be fun.

Uh, tell me, Hazel, how do you make eggs Benedict? Herbert loves them.

Oh, don't you think you should try somethin' simple?

Eggs Benedict's pretty fancy for a start.

Oh, is it difficult? It doesn't look complicated... just eggs and things.

Why don't you have the fried eggs and bacon? That's just eggs and things.

Wonderful. Can you give me a recipe? You just fry 'em.

Good morning, Mrs. Johnson. Oh, hello, Dorothy.

Uh, Hazel's just showing me how to fix bacon with eggs.

Now, Hazel, what are the proportions? How much bacon to how many eggs?

Well, it all depends how much you can eat.

Well, Herbert likes two eggs in the morning, but he hates the yokes broken.

Mrs. Johnson, maybe you'd better have dry cereal.

It's pretty hard for a beginner to break eggs properly.

Well, it shouldn't be difficult breaking them.

It's not breaking them that's the trick.

Oh, you just tap them on the edge of the fryin' pan.

- Oh. We can manage. - We can manage.

Last night, Herbert worked the can opener on a can of peaches.

If he can get inside a tin can, he can surely empty an egg.

Hazel, there's not a minute to lose. You've just got to find them a maid.

Truer words were never spoken, Missy.

I'm beginning to think we ought to send them a care package.

Wow, it's a mess all right.

Oh, no. Look, I'm busy, and I'm expecting a very important client.

Hazel told me your kid mussed up the room and I'm to get it in shape right away.

Well, all right, uh, do it.

Where does this go?

Well, it looks like a pillow, so, offhand, I'd say it goes on the couch.

Now look, just get things neat. Don't spend too much time cleaning.

Uh, you got an ashtray? Oops.

They say it's good for the moths. We can get it when we vacuum.

Well, how you comin', Elizabeth? Hazel, please, I'm trying to work.

We gotta get this den cleaned up for Mr. Sprague. You know he likes things neat.

I know, and I'd like to have the den ready for Mr. Sprague.

But it is more important that I am ready. Yes, sir.

Come on, Elizabeth. We'll have to find somethin' else for you to do.

Couldn't you get anything picked up? He kept interruptin' me.

Hazel. Hmm?

As for that candidate... Shh! I know. She just flunked.

Hello.

Uh, just a moment. Hazel, it's for you. Mrs. Johnson.

Must have messed up the bacon and eggs.

Hi, Mrs. Johnson. How was breakfast?

Oh, curled up on the ends, huh?

Oh, it always does that.

Oh. Well, um, I tell you what you do.

You tell Mr. Johnson to grab one end.

Has he got it? Yeah.

Well, now you grab the other one, and, when I yell,

you both push down together, see?

Down! Didn't work, huh?

Well, I guess you'll have to do what I always do then. Just jump on it.

All right, good-bye. Good luck. Hmm.

Hazel, just a minute. That wasn't the bacon, was it?

Oh, no. They was tryin' to put a contour sheet on a mattress.

You're certain that's what, uh, Hazel said?

"Jump on it." Her very words.

It's probably because she's quite an expert on the trampoline.

I think what we ought to do is to hire a small but athletic boy.

Oh, boy, that was quick.

Well, what's next on the schedule?

I've got a top priority job for you. I want you to straighten Mr. B.'s den.

You know, exactly as if it was the general's office...

and the chief of staff was due any minute.

Lead me to it. So let's go. Right this way.

George, this room looks awful. I... I thought

Hazel was going to have one of her girls clean it?

I've gotten a lot trouble from Hazel and the girls but not much cleaning.

Come on, get to it, honey.

Hazel, this is no time for one of your girls to be trying out for a job.

Mr. B., gettin' a new maid as soon as possible for the Johnsons was your idea.

I'm getting a little sick of hearing that too.

That's Mr. Sprague. You want me to get it?

Uh-uh. I'll get it.

I'm sure you have some things to do in the kitchen that aren't my idea.

Yes, sir.

Good morning, Mr. Sprague. Good morning, George. How are you?

Fine, fine. I hope you're prepared to grind away all day?

Oh, yes, and into the night, if necessary.

Good. Well, I'm all set up back here in the den.

However, you'll have to excuse the mess. Oh, that's quite all right.

Good morning, Dorothy. Good morning, Mr. Sprague.

I must explain that Harold got in here this morning,

and no one's had time to repair the damage.

George, if this is your idea of a mess,

you're really getting fussy in your old age.

Missy, Gertrude would like you to plan the menu for lunch. Gertrude? Who's Gertrude?

Gertrude is a woman who can clean up a room faster than Harold can muss it up.

She's the maid that we've been tryin' out. It was Mr. B.'s idea.

- I wish you'd stop saying that. - Okay. Lunch is at 12:00.

Oh, you'd better make that 1:00, Hazel.

Mr. Sprague and I want to get as much work done as possible before lunch.

Well, it's all right with me, Mr. B., but Gertrude's as organized as Cape Canaveral.

I gather that once she starts the countdown,

you have lunch at 12:00 or call the whole thing off until tomorrow.

Hazel, about this menu. What kind of lunch can she make?

I mean, I can't just write down anything, can I? Gertrude said anything.

- Anything? - Anything.

Well, I'd better help with that.

I realize I'm just a guest here, but I've always had a passion for beef Stroganoff.

Beef Stroganoff.

Well, that certainly beats having sandwiches and coffee sent in.

I don't care how early she makes us eat.

Yes, sir, this could make working on Saturday's a privilege.

Ah, cheesecake. Oh, it looks delicious, Hazel.

Oh, thanks. Gertrude made it.

Well, I've never tasted better beef Stroganoff in my life.

I wonder if she'd give me the recipe. You see, I'm somewhat of an amateur chef.

Oh, sure. I guess she would but, you see,

Gertrude's workin' over with the Johnsons now.

You mean, you found a gem of a maid like that and you gave her to a neighbor?

Well, we was tryin' to help them out. Uh, Mr. B.'s... We all thought of it.

I thought of it. The Johnsons needed help, and I was glad to oblige.

Look, George, I need help. Do you suppose that Hazel could find a maid for me?

Oh, sure, Mr. Sprague. I'd be glad to try out a few for you.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

♪♪

Well, how are things at the Johnson household?

Oh, Mr. B., you never saw two happier people

when I brought Gertrude over there yesterday.

They've never had anybody to compare to Gertrude.

Phoebe wasn't particularly good.

Oh, hello, folks. Hello, Hazel.

Come on in. We was just talkin' about you.

Hello, Mrs. Johnson, Mr. Johnson. George.

How is the efficiency expert? Yeah, wasn't Gertrude everything I said she was?

- Oh, yes, and more. - Nothin's wrong, is it?

Oh, no. No. Not exactly.

- What is it? - Gertrude's quit.

Walked out in a huff. You've never seen such a huff.

- What happened? - Well, the first thing was teatime.

You see, we're used to having our tea at 5:00.

- So we asked Gertrude to continue the practice. - Sounds reasonable.

Not to Gertrude. The army doesn't have a teatime.

They don't even have a 5:00. They have a 1700.

Then she wanted us to set up a daily schedule.

And I haven't done calisthenics in years.

- And when we rebelled, she walked out. - I shoulda seen this comin'.

Oh, no, it's not your fault, and we feel dreadful.

Oh, don't worry. I'll get you another maid.

Please, Hazel, not again. Don't worry, Mr. B.

I know just the girl... the perfect maid for Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

Well, if you know the perfect maid, why

didn't you call her here in the first place?

Well, we live and learn, Mr. B. We live and learn.

Who ever heard of a coming out party for a maid?

Oh, darling, we've just been invited to tea.

They've finally gotten a good maid. They want to show her off.

Come in. Hazel.

Hazel, what are you doing here?

I'm helpin' the new maid till she gets squared away.

Ooh.

- Mr. and Mrs. Johnson will be down in a minute. - Very good, Agnes.

Agnes? Isn't that the first one we tried out Saturday... butterfingers?

That's Agnes.

Hello. You look wonderful. Hello.

Hello. Have you seen her? Yes.

Oh, isn't she wonderful? Uh, yes, yes. I met her yesterday.

This morning, Herbert taught her how to make instant coffee.

Oh, it's quite easy once you get the hang of it.

Do come in.

And, you know, I put out the cups and saucers for her. She'd be lost without us.

Won't you sit down? Thank you.

There we are. Ah, isn't this comfy?

You know, this is the first time Herbert and

I have felt that someone really needed us.

I sent Gertrude over to Mr. Sprague. They'll get along like a house afire.

Now everybody's happy. Oh.

Excuse me.

If you don't mind, I'd rather... Oh, I'll pour.

Thank you. Now you watch very carefully how I do it, Agnes.

Yes, ma'am.

You see?

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