Original subtitles

I hate this.

Totally.

Why did we even, like, move here?

Because of this stupid pamphlet. For sure.

Totally sure.

Perpetual fun and fun.

Rain cuddles are the best cuddles.

Aw.

It says we can be anything we want to be.

Big. I want to be a trophy wife.

Accomplish anything we want.

Totally fake. I want to be a trophy wife three times.

Put me on the shelf and knock me off, Daddy.

Delight in the ultimate companionship. Hella, hella fake. There's not even any

cute boys around here.

There's alleged boys here.

And they're also, ew.

Ew.

I want a man that can arm wrestle.

Tie a knot.

Rearrange the furniture.

Rearrange my gut.

Someone who looks sharp and wears boots.

Ew. Someone who can lay the carpet.

All these girls just keep talking about munching mine.

Like, what even is that diet?

Ew.

Tell me why they look so plastic.

Yeah. I want a man's man.

Somebody who thinks he knows everything about everything.

Has an option.

Someone who I can pretend to laugh at their jokes.

Yes. Drinks beer.

Likes trashy movies. And trashy women.

Defends the freaks, geeks, and mutants of the world.

It's so important he has his own personal male girl. And a pet lizard.

But the perfect man must exist somewhere.

Yeah, but he doesn't exist here.

and the World Drive -In Movie Festival in Jamboree is coming to Vegas this

And each generation finds something new to love about this ultimate American

experience. And find out why, as Darcy the Mayo Girl and I say every week on

show, The Last Drive -In, the drive -in will never die.

You need to be there.

Two for Joe Bob, please.

Okay, two for the Jamboree. No, just for Joe Bob.

This is for the Jamboree. The Jamboree. Yay!

Okay.

Um, where is he?

Should be somewhere in there, I guess.

Let's get him.

we're really here we are we in the right spot there's hardly anybody here yeah

there'll be more people here later plus so little competition all those mutant

boys in one spot yeah and there's they're trapped because there's no free

-entry and they're like total cheapos yes what do you got popcorn

and lone star beer and bad jokes

He's in there. Well, let's go get that grade -A man. Yeah, I got a taste for a

look of prime USTHAP.

I'm speaking to you. Do you work here? Hello?

What is it? What are you selling here? Do you even know what crap you have

Oh, fuck.

Are you fucking kidding me? No, I'm serious. Are you fucking kidding me?

spilling popcorn all over my place. Should I come to your house?

and, like, fucking kick my feet up on your couch? Would you like that?

And look at this place. I see a black T -shirt. Okay, really?

I mean, they probably have wall -to -wall, like, 4K. Not a 401K.

Maybe they should invest in, like, cologne, right? Because you know what?

stink. You fucking stink. Get some baby powder. Go ahead. Yeah, keep going.

Bye. Oh, excuse me. Oh, my fucking God. Are you kidding me? Yeah. You're

invading.

space, okay? This job is now mine, okay?

Oh, my God. Totally rad.

Amazing turnout.

Okay. You both screw off, okay? Both of you. I own this place now. I have the

paper. This is mine. It's now going to be a golf course. I don't even know why

the two of you are here. Well, we love this place. It's, like, so historic.

Yeah, and there's, like, so many memories made here. So fun.

Oh, fun. Yeah, well, you know what?

Blowjob is now out, okay?

This is going to be my place, and that little redneck, he can go and be done

somewhere else. Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean?

I mean, I own it, and I am the one who's going to take, like, everything over

and say, fuck off to all these black T -shirt assholes.

You stay away from Joe Bob. Oh, really? What are you going to do? Okay, goodbye,

losers.

What did you get?

What's up?

Yeah, that's a hunk, a hunk, a burning hunk.

Soak it in, ladies.

So what can I do you for?

Oh, you can do me for a while.

A really long while.

Well, there's a price for everything at this table.

I sign autographs and take selfies for 60. If you want a long while, that's

If you want additional touching, that's 200. If you want me to pet a pussy,

that's $300. Because I'm allergic to cats.

Oh.

Wait.

Stop, stop, stop.

I'm sorry.

I have tickle cell anemia. I should have warned you. I'm very sensitive.

Yeah.

Hey, are you here to look for Joe Bob?

Yeah.

Do you think he would like us?

I don't know.

Do you know how to play the banjo?

What is that?

He's going to love you.

Ow,

he's right over there. Joe Bob!

Don't forget to get your popcorn now. We're about to get this party started.

Wow, there's so many people here.

Hurry, it's starting.

Hurry up, get on.

Oh,

this is great.

I can't see.

Nothing like watching a show under the stars.

The wind in my hair.

Down in front.

Haunted. Is that a dead person's room? I don't know, but it's unlocked.

And it looks abandoned.

Come on.

Let's get in. Let's get in.

Welcome to Rooney's Drive -In. Hand jobs to the left, finger blasting to the

right.

We're here for the heavy petting and hopefully a little dry humping.

Straight ahead, pal. Such disgusting filth.

Lord help us, my beautiful drive -in. Once the home of classic cinema, now

a parking lot full of horny fornicators.

Pull ahead.

Popcorn and condoms are available at the concession stand.

All right, keep moving.

Welcome to Ruby's. What's playing, pal? What's always playing.

Turkish Exorcist. Not again.

Pull forward.

My 7 ,000 screening of Turkish Exorcist. If only I could afford to screen a new

movie. My beloved drive -in's going down the crapper.

All of my customers just stay home watching those goddamn streaming

Welcome to Ruby's drive -in. That'll be a buck fifty. What's the rush to get

here? You could have at least let me finish getting ready.

It's been a very long week.

Besides, I don't want to miss the happy ending.

This movie doesn't have a happy ending.

I wasn't talking about the movie.

I'd better get Junior Mint.

Such filth!

All right, you two, get a room.

Sorry, I'm going to puberty.

You and everyone else here, pal.

Let me guess. Turkish exorcist.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe this time you'll watch.

Well, I never.

Rude. Face it. Your dance card's been punched more than Chuck Liddell. Have

Losers.

Back again. Hey.

Do you please?

You sure about that?

I beg your pardon?

Last time you were here, you tried to smuggle a drunken little person inside.

I'm sorry, but I'll have to check under your tarp. There's no one back there.

Aha! You again.

Get out of there, midget.

You can't say midget anymore. You're canceled, asshole.

You people and your pronouns.

I can't keep track.

All right, pal, give me a buck fifty or get the hell out of here. Seems like

you're thinking would be half price.

Beat it.

Everybody's so... touchy these days.

Uh -oh. I think I got my class ring caught in your winter bush. Let go of

you idiot.

You're in the wrong car.

Oh, what shame.

What decadence. Oh, how I miss the days when people had respect for the cinema.

Oh, we used to have such a grand time, didn't we, Big Daddy?

Beautiful daughter, what's wrong?

You look like you're tripping balls.

You didn't find Mommy's edibles again, did you?

I'm telling you, Father, there's a strange phenomenon unfolding.

Tell me more, Doc.

We've recently had an influx of patients who seem to be losing their mind. I

can't explain it, but they seem to have become possessed with...

Agitation. There's a frustrated anger. Almost demonic, if you ask me.

These people are seriously nutted up.

And why do you think you need a priest?

I'm no doctor.

I'm glad you asked.

There's something I want to show you.

Quick, I need a street check. We need a wetback in 32.

We got another one.

Oh, my God, what's happening here?

Donuts in the break room.

This way, daughter, please.

Follow me. Come in.

Calm down.

See what I mean, Heather? She's possessed.

Glad her she's not getting enough fiber.

Let go of me, you bitch.

Your mother smells like Hollywood Boulevard.

I've never seen anything like this.

All of these patients are behaving the same.

We've got to find out what the connection is.

Attention staff.

Pizza party in the silicone implant room at 7.

G -Y -O -B.

This is like totally right. I wonder where the owners went.

Do you think they're not owners?

I don't think so.

Ew.

What's wrong?

I don't know. This is, like, cool and all, but, like, do we really belong

What do you mean? Of course we belong.

I mean, we don't fit in anywhere.

But we fit in here, right?

I don't know.

I mean, everybody has, like, this thing and, like, that thing, but, like, I

don't even know what our thing is.

Movies.

we like movies but they like really really really really love movies yeah

like we've been in the movies like for realsies like in the movies remember

barbie do you think that we're don't you dare say

it it has to be said and said aloud no i won't hear it i think that we might see

that proves it it doesn't prove anything barbie we have to face it.

Weird.

Weird.

We have to face it.

I've known it for a long time.

We're total weirdos.

I need some air.

I need like nachos. Like prontos.

When did all this start?

Janitorial to the men's room. We got another stiff in the john.

It's hard to tell.

I don't know when it started exactly.

Is she a drinker?

Not really.

She's been known to smoke a bowl or two.

One day she was fine, and the next... She lost her mind.

Tell me something, my child.

Are you single?

Please,

you've got to save her. How can I help?

Well, if you have a band -aid, for starters.

I got this.

I might need your help.

Sorry, I'd love to, but I heard there are donuts in the break room.

You'd better wait here.

If it is a demon we're dealing with.

It can get pretty messy.

But have you done this before?

Oh, no.

But I've seen the exorcist one, two, and three before.

That ought to do it, baby.

Good luck.

She's stabilizing, Doctor.

Good. We better check that heartbeat.

Yes, Doctor. Should I remove her blouse?

Yes, but let's check her heart rate first.

Yes, Doctor.

And tell Nurse Johnson to mix some martinis and bring my Polaroid camera.

Dear God, give me the strength to pull this off.

I whip my hair back and forth. I whip my hair back and forth. I whip my hair.

You see what I am meaning?

What on earth is wrong with her? You're right. You're not supposed to do sit

-ups like that.

I've never seen anything like this. She hasn't been this upset since the last

Halloween sequel.

Please, you've got to tell me what's wrong. I don't know, but one thing's for

sure. This kid's a headbanger.

Stop him.

When did this bizarre behavior begin?

Last week, we were having a sing -along night at the piano, and she came

downstairs and made number one on the carpeting.

Hmm. She isn't, by chance, an R. Kelly fan, is she?

I don't think so. She just holds herself in her room, watching movies on

streaming platforms.

How many platforms do you subscribe to? All of them.

I see.

And... What has she been watching?

What the hell?

Hey, who's there?

I believe your daughter is dying of malady.

Lord, help me. Not again.

What did I tell you about drinking floor cleaner on the job?

Oh, looks like it finally happened. 7 ,000 screenings of the same movie were

just too much.

It's time to list my drive -in envelope.

What's happened?

His dirty pillows are showing. I'm out.

Tubby's always had hang -ups, but this is the last straw.

Lucky for us, it's time to change real.

My God, she's turning her head all the way around. If I had that crappy

wallpaper, I'd turn my head too.

Come on, turn it back on. I can't see one broken.

How do you conduct an exorcism?

Beats the hell out of me.

Come on, baby. I paid for the popcorn. Time for the hot dog.

You can't make jokes like that anymore.

I'll meet you in your ass.

Ow! Right in the bread basket.

Have fun in prison with all them ugly inmates.

Of course, you won't even have to look at them, because you'll be facing in the

opposite direction.

How abundant this kid really knows how to make a point.

Father, what do we do? I don't know, but one thing's for sure.

She'll never ride a unicycle ever again.

This kid needs a serious time -out.

Now what?

It'll freeze.

Your grandmother shouldn't pussy on all it does.

Stay back, Green.

I'm warning you.

Leave me alone, you bastard. Your heart gets worse than yours.

Oh, I want to wrap my lips around a big juicy pasta.

That reminds me. We have to find Joe Bob and tell him about that creepo who

wants to turn this place into a golf course.

Yeah, let's go.

Candy. Cold drinks. Hot dogs and more.

Heads at the snack bar for lunch is galore. And don't forget our golden corn

dogs. There you go again.

Accusing me of being forgetful.

Don't start with me, Darlene. I should have listened to my mother and stayed...

Single. Single? Ha! Then who'd pay for all that food? Well, let me guess. With

the money you make out that you use, what's real estate like? I want a

You've got it, sweetheart. Right after I grab some.

Red popcorn.

I'm a snack bar now.

Ruby, this is Dr.

Danvers. He's a specialist in children that are slightly off.

I don't know, Darcy. I just have a weird feeling about tonight. I can't explain

it.

It's going to be great.

There you are.

The lab of madness.

Or maybe not.

Things are looking up already.

Why? Are you feeling blue, darling?

Aw, what's the matter?

He's having a moment. It'll pass. It always does.

Aw. I was just saying something felt off about tonight. I don't know what it is.

It's like the rug got pulled out from under me.

I just didn't feel inspired.

Well, we got something that'll put the scoop back in those boots.

We do?

We do.

Toe -bob, toe -bob, toe -boo!

Whoa.

That'll do it.

How are you feeling now?

Inspirational overload.

Three drive -in totals.

Two naked women, four breasts, blonde food, brunette food,

Darcy -Eyedagger food.

Cool! Your love says four stars. Check them out.

Thanks, girls. I needed that.

Hey, Joe Bob.

Can we ask you a question?

Sure. Do you think we're... You're what?

We're... Well, holy faulty, yes, I do, and that's a good thing.

It is?

Absolutely. Right, Darcy? Totally, yeah.

You don't think they're fitting anywhere.

No, they don't fit Walmart.

That makes you full -bore drive -in mutants.

We accept all misfits, miscreants, freaks, and geeks.

You're our people.

You're our family.

You do belong.

We heart you, Topop.

Hey, we have something really important to tell you.

Okay.

We forgot.

Oh, well, if you remember, find Darcy or me and let us know. Okay.

Good luck, Father.

I'd like to see you with your top off.

Watch your fingers. We've got to bite her. She

just keeps babbling on and on about a place called Ruby's Drive -In.

Whatever she experienced there has got her all twisted.

She's tightly secured now, Doctor. I'll leave you two alone now.

Ansel, priest, I'm far too old for you.

Your powers are worthless here.

There is no stopping us.

If you're such a powerful demon, prove it. Show me.

Fool, I'll get inside your head with my evil riddles until you go mad.

What are these riddles you speak of?

Here's one.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

I know where you're headed.

Don't go there.

Ah.

You dress her as an altar boy.

Now pull your car around, priest.

That's not a riddle. It's a cheap shot. Take me to Ruby's Drive -In.

When we're done with our evil plan.

Go ahead, demon.

Say it if you dare.

There will never be another original thought again.

But why rubies?

What's the point of just watching what's already been done?

That's the idea, you idiot.

Don't you realize people have forgotten the classics? Now all they care about is

rebooting. My God.

Hollywood's lazy filmmaking has turned people's brains to shit.

Your Starbucks order is here.

Is that chick with the big rack still here?

Consider yourself warned, father.

The end of cinema is upon us.

Welcome to Ruby's.

Handjobs to the right, group orgies to the left.

Come on, keep it moving.

Welcome to Ruby's. Buck 50, please.

What's playing?

What do you think is playing?

You're all going to be dying up there.

Mommy just had the carpet cleaned.

She's catatonic.

She's higher than Willie Nelson at a Grateful Dead concert.

But why, Doctor?

What the hell is causing this?

I'm not sure.

Something is very wrong.

I read in the paper that she's not the only one.

There are others that have become numb and unmotivated.

Welcome to the world of raising a teenager.

My son hasn't spoken to his mother in three years.

Goddamn Fortnite.

Would it hurt to get a mothel on?

No, I'm not sure this is just a medical condition.

Can you hear me?

Your mother tells me you haven't been outside in many months.

That you spend all of your time staring at your iPad screen, watching Netflix,

Max, Disney +, that you're obsessed with dumb spinoffs? She even said you like

the book of Boba Fett. I never said that. She's not that stupid.

Just leave her alone.

Watching shitty remakes can't affect your brain.

Shut it.

Think I know what's gotten to her, Megan.

Did you know back before you were born, before people watched movies and played

games on their iPhone while sitting on the toilet?

Sweet Jesus, what are you doing? Leave her alone!

Doctor, are you really sure this is going to help? Before the overall end of

imagination and originality. This isn't helping. Get out of my house!

Shut it!

Back when people used to actually get dressed and go to the movies.

Why, sometimes they'd even go outside and read a book. Do you remember books?

Pages of paper with writing on them that take you on a journey into your

imagination. Not books!

Steady. There were original stories and movies that existed before Hollywood

started rehashing them. You've lost your mind. Leave my little girl. And over.

And over.

And over.

And over.

And over.

And over.

Let me go.

She's peggly. The power of Alfred Hitchcock compels you.

Quick, somebody look for a Betamax. Release this child's brain from the

of lazy content.

My God.

She's become possessed, too. No, she fainted, you idiot.

This is no medical condition.

Bad remakes are turning people's brain to mush. That means anyone that's been

your drive -in is seriously screwed.

Well, what do we do?

There's only one thing to do. For starters, we've got to make damn sure

one sees Turkish Exorcist ever again. So awesome.

I love driving movie theaters.

Whoa, this movie is so creepers. I can't believe that there's a drive -in movie

at a drive -in.

Totally. Awesome.

We've got it and showing that reboot tonight.

But how?

Here's the plan. You go shut the box office down, then unplug the projector.

We've got to make sure these people don't see another frame of this

But how?

Get on the PA system.

Tell everyone to put their clothes back on. Get the hell out of here.

This ends tonight.

One way or the other.

Hey,

get your own popcorn.

Hi, neighbor.

Hi. Hey, try to keep it down, please. We don't want to interrupt anybody in the

vicinity watching the movie. Yeah, you don't want to be rude to others.

But the popcorn here, it's worth the price of admission, right?

Delectable. Compliments to the chef.

Wait, you mean you guys aren't serial killers?

Members of the blood cult itching for their next sacrificial merit bath?

Hey, if buttery goodness is a crime, color is guilty.

It's no big deal.

No, but I mean, we are wanted at every drive -in across the nation.

By the way, I'm the Blade. And I'm the Bunny.

Together we're... The Bunny. And the Blade.

I'm the Barbie.

And I'm Kendra. And together we're... Your dad's number one fantasy.

So why did you pick this car?

Sweet ride.

I've never been in a hearse before.

I feel like someone would die to be in a car like this.

This is like a hearse?

No wonder there's so much leg room.

Oh.

I totally thought it was like...

A big stretch limo for, like, having sex.

Well,

newsflash, like, you're out of popcorn.

And you can't movie without the corn.

You ate it all.

Okay, I know, I know, I know. Barbie, go get some more.

Great idea.

Popcorn. Popcorn!

They're the marvelous turkeys. These homeless grape leaves.

When you're done, I promise you won't falafel.

I've warned all my past customers.

It's for the best.

Don't forget, baby.

So, what's next? Who knows?

Let's get turnt.

Ruby's driving.

Told you to call when I'm off.

What an excellent day for making the exorcism.

Your nana eats discount baba ganoush in hell.

If you are such a powerful demon, why don't you show me what you're capable

What's that?

May the power of William Threat can free this innocent child's soul.

Micah, the driver.

He's coming to life.

Jim, please.

Damn it, woman. Can't you see we're closed?

I can't believe we're closing.

But at least my daughter's cute.

Kill, kill, kill!

Listen to me. Speak to us, demon.

Hey, what do a priest at McDonald's have in...

It is her.

Bring me a bowl of peas.

She's hungry.

I have a message from your mother.

It's just like my mother to send a message like this. And she wonders why I

never call.

I don't know, but she must be fun at parties.

Get out of this child!

Your mother listens to Hootie and the Blowfish.

You're right, and I hate my mother!

I just heard from the Vatican.

Everyone that's been to Ruby's Drive -In is losing their minds from watching a

bad exorcist ripple. Bring me the Amityville remake.

According to the Pope, the only way to cure her is to force her to watch

cinema.

No, just for the revenge. Nurse, quick, bring in a regional cop.

Whoa. Nurse, bring him to the dead.

Stand back. We've got to save this poor soul before it's too late.

Too late? It's never too late.

It's too late.

She's also a French comedian acrobat.

For a possessed person, her satanic moves are very limited.

Hey, what do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roman Catholic.

I don't let her fit.

A nun be now, cretin.

Get her in bed and tie her down.

Yes, doctor. She's ancient.

And somebody cancel my golf game for God's sake.

Load my rhino dart gun. This patient is losing her shit.

Prepare the travel so I can conduct a cinematic exorcism.

Hey!

Get off that, okay? It's mine.

What the fuck are you looking at?

That's what jerkwadding wants to give Job all the acts.

You're supposed to tell him.

We have to hurry and interrupt the show.

Well, there's not going to be a show if she has it her way.

Let's go.

In the name of Our Lady of VHS, I pray that you bless this chamber.

Mecca lecca hi, mecca hi ni ho.

Come forward, priest.

Come forward if you dare.

I'm not afraid of you, demon.

Your mother watches basic cable in hell.

What an excellent day for circumcision.

Put on Exorcist Believer before I destroy you.

I'm not afraid of you, shallow beast.

Ready for another riddle?

Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

I'm Coco for Coco Pops. I'm Coco for Coco Pops.

Most glorious of heavenly armies, I beg of you to save this wretched soul and

her empty head.

I beg you to free her soul from this old schtick and the endless stream of

constant rehash. Make it stop.

Oy.

Hello, Doc.

Want to watch the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street?

Yes,

it's here.

Let's binge Sharknado sequels.

My God, my teenage daughter's out of control.

Somebody call Dr.

Phil.

You're all going to be dying up there.

My God.

In the name of our lord and savior, George Romero,

god of filmmaking.

Everyone stay back. These speakers are furious.

The whole place has become possessed with mediocrity.

Knife dry, foolish mortal.

What are you doing? No!

I command thee, demon!

Stop with the remake!

Reboot! Reboot! Reboot! God, Jack, it's driving.

Now I've seen everything.

No! Stay back! No!

The power of Chrysler compels you. Stay back!

No! Come into me.

So the lizard swallowed the penis and said, needs more salt.

All right, Darcy, another perfect night at the drive -in, wasn't it?

Beautiful. Yeah, what we got coming up now? Something else?

Golf.

Bye.

What?

You're playing golf?

What's happened?

No, drive no more.

You lost your neck?

Any idea what this is about, Darcy? I have no idea.

Classic Americana, and I hate it. And you know what, tomorrow, dude, I'm

you into a boot.

Who the hell is this person?

Yeah, we're doing a show here.

Oh, yeah?

Well, the name...

What the Sam Hill is going on here with this, Darcy? I have no idea.

She's buying up all the land in and around the drive -in. And she's turning

into a gold corp. Yeah.

She's a necromaniac.

Okay, you know what?

I have the deed right here. What deed?

Right here, below job.

And you know what?

You thought you were signing it for this big old jamboree.

But this place is now mine.

What, are they selling mescaline at the concession stand now or something?

Oh, please stop. This place is mine, Joe Bob. And you have nothing to say. It's

new. It's fresh.

It's the digital age.

You know, I don't know anything about that. But, Darcy, got anything in that

mailbag from this studio?

And how.

What?

You forgot one thing, studio.

The mutant family grows stronger every day. As long as the spirit exists, we

never be stopped.

In other words, this drive -in and all like it will never die.

Fuck the studio!

The Mutant family owes both of you a huge debt of thanks. Yay.

Both you, Kendra, and you, Barbie.

Uh -huh. Shucks, that wasn't nothing.

Yes, it was.

You two need a ride home from here? No, thank you. We rode my Harley.

You rode in on a hog?

of an ocean hell