Original subtitles

This is a story of six women, a theater, a play, springtime

in New York, and what it is that men and women really want from each other.

That's me there, Wallace Green, doing some elementary research into American

sexual behavior.

It was a very exciting business coming to New York to direct my first American

play, and before it was over, no, wait.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

First, let's meet our cast of characters.

The active members of the downtown amateur theatre group.

That's Lucy McGee, housewife.

She wants to get out from behind the ironing board and into the bright

And who can blame her?

Colby Jones.

She's never ironed anything except maybe a damp stock certificate now and then.

Definitely, as you say over here, a class act.

Good morning, Priscilla.

Priscilla Parks.

She's a nice kid, but really scattered.

Works hard and plays hard.

So it's easy to forget those little details like where you slept last night

when you last went home and fed the cat.

And finally, we have our transplanted southern bells, Faye and Ray Dunbar.

So that's the group.

And the play?

A wickedly funny farce called Sex Play, which almost turned out to be too hot to

handle.

Today, we finally move into the theater for a last week of rehearsal.

Maybe.

Hey, we're going to be late.

Goddamn alarm clock stopped again.

Piece of junk.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Don't I ever get to see you guys anymore?

It's after eight, honey.

Ray, get your clothes on. I'm just going to throw my coat on. Walsall, Kenny's

alive. We're not there on the dial. Hurry up.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Ike.

How's Mike?

Well, that's good.

Nah, you missed them again by a whisker.

They went to that damn theater group.

Yeah, I'll tell them.

Yeah, you have a pretty good day yourself.

Right.

Well, good buddy, looks like we got the day off.

Hmm,

try a helicopter.

Just what New York needs is another comedian.

No, I think I need another token. I think it's too fast.

Look, here.

Take it back.

Looks like rain.

I get sick in town.

Now. Will I see you again?

Madam, please.

Oh, all right.

Tell me, Miss Jones, how do the lovely ladies of the downtown theaters feel

about moving into an actual, off, off, off, off, not quite Broadway theater?

We feel very excited.

And we also need to sell.

Well, I was in an avant -garde version of Hamlet once. I played an electric

razor. In Hamlet?

Please let me come to just one rehearsal.

I promise I'll sit all the way in the back and I won't say a word.

No, no, this theater is all fun.

And you can see the film next Saturday like everybody else.

Now, out.

You know, you make everything sound like an audition.

Occupational hazard.

Oh, my goodness. I should be late.

You know, that theater should have been condemned years ago.

Yes, but just think how historical it is, though.

Al Jolson played there. Helen Hayes. And Terry Termite.

Theaters are magic.

Ordinary mortals like you just don't understand.

Put the casserole in the microwave on reheat, okay?

Not dull.

Dull makes the fish turn all gummy.

I might be eating out.

You hate to eat out.

What the hell are you doing? My underwear is all bunched up.

You don't have to show the world.

I could lose my job, you know, for driving you around in the company car.

Well, you better go then. I'll take the bus home.

Good morning. Good morning.

Well, this is it.

Now, before we go in, I'd just like to say that I... While it's green, you give

a speech at the opening of a Pepsi bottle.

I realize that a lot of you and your families are making personal sacrifices

you can be here today, and I do appreciate it.

We're in the presence of a lot of magic here.

And I know we're going to make this old theater proud to have us on its boards.

Okay? All right.

There's a wolf at the door.

Do you suppose it means anything?

Probably not.

Why don't you kiss me and we'll see if that means anything. Because it won't.

It would pass the time, though. Oh, we could jump rope.

Good. That was perfect.

Let's go back and do it again with feeling in it, like Wallace said.

Yeah. You know, I've been thinking about what else you said.

You know, about women being afraid to touch each other's bodies?

Yeah. Well, that is true, isn't it? I mean, at least it is with you, me, and

Wayne.

I mean, we just make a Wayne sandwich, and he's a star, and we're just there

him. Is that so bad? I mean, what are we supposed to do?

Well, why don't you kiss me and see if it does mean anything?

You're kidding.

No.

Why not? Let's try it.

Okay.

This isn't so bad.

How do you feel?

I feel good.

Your mouth is so soft.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I had my lines. I practiced them all the way

down on the subway.

I didn't make one mistake.

Let me try it again.

Please.

Ladies.

Lady and ladies.

Sexual passion.

In Patagonia, once thought to be extinct, is now making a dark comeback.

A dark... Shit. I really do know this.

A dark comeback between the legs of dishonor.

Spewing... A spawn... No. Spawn from...

Oh, David, you're so good.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Come on down.

Come on.

Don't be shy.

Is this part of the play?

Yeah. It's all in the name of art now.

Come up here.

Oh, yeah.

Would you mind?

Thank you.

Come on.

My wife left for lunch.

Oh, I love it. Is this or is this not the essence of cab drivers?

Who does your thing?

Look, pal, I just came here to give my wife her lunch, okay? Not okay. No men

allowed, and especially no husbands. Look, it's not my idea of a fun week

either. However, art must be served, isn't it, pal?

Hey, who the fuck are you and who the fuck says I can't come in? I want to see

my wife!

I am Burton of Cosby's by Burton, and your wife is working on a very important

scene with Wallace Green and can't be disturbed.

I want to see Mr.

Green now!

And can't be disturbed.

Look, I'll see to it that Lucy gets her lunch.

Come back Saturday. You're going to love this, though.

Oh.

Let's go.

He's getting wrapped up in my legs. Not it, Colby. He.

Bye.

No.

No.

No. No.

This is the most attractive man you've ever met.

You're so turned on you can't stand still.

We all know it's a silly bear, but you've got to make that audience out

believe it's...

Robert Redford or Cary Grant, okay?

That's it.

Not very convincing, huh?

Not terribly, no.

Why did you call me?

I thought you had more imagination.

Okay, next scene, please.

I can't stand her.

Shit!

Oh, my God.

Priscilla, you're coming like crazy.

It's coming dripping out of your pussy.

Oh, my golly, tender. Oh,

yeah.

Priscilla.

Tough day, yes?

Good.

Those are the best kind.

First of all, I want to congratulate you on doing such a difficult play.

Well, most other amateur dramatics groups just choose nice little cut

of Broadway musicals and do them over and over again.

They don't learn a thing.

Yeah, like all those with just a bunch of tits and asses from dancing.

Well, we're not exactly doing Lady Macbeth. I mean, my whole part's

bare ass.

But it's for art. That's the difference.

I mean, it's artistic, right?

What, my ass?

Who wants to quit?

Anyone? No.

Good. Now go home, get some rest, and have your artistic asses back here

by 8 sharp.

If you can just do that, I think we'll have a tremendous success.

Why can't I just stay home and be organized like the other girls?

Why do I have to... Why can't I have a life that means something and cook

wonderful meals and remember my lines?

Why do we have to bum subway tokens off of egomaniacs with stale donuts?

Priscilla always cooks when she gets upset.

The rest of the time, it's deli all the way.

I'm no Julia Town myself, but isn't the damn fire supposed to be under the damn

pot?

Oh!

I love you.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

to cut your hair with? A lawnmower?

You just don't know style when you see it.

Um... Well, yes, I do.

Can't take no for an answer, can you?

Never.

Almost finished?

Almost.

You know, you must be the only one in the entire magazine who still writes in

longhand. I'm the only one who still writes. The rest are a word process.

I need you to help me rehearse.

And that outfit, or I should say lack of outfit, I don't think will get very

far.

I want to sit on your face.

Come on.

Just give a waltz, okay?

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Socks, too.

Hands up over your head.

I think I've underestimated this play.

Spread your legs a little more.

That's good.

I thought Riverski wrote gentle, absurdist allegories about human

What the fuck is that?

It's my co -star.

Relax.

Sure loves show business.

I always did.

You see, I told you this is a very paced play.

I can't wait for act three.

I have to do an erotic dance with this bear in act two.

And I was having so much trouble getting turned on to him.

And I thought this might help.

You're my bear, Adam.

Oh, yes.

And your fingers all there.

Oh, that's it.

Oh,

that luscious hot mouth of yours.

Oh, what a time.

I want to sit on your couch.

I want you to fuck me. Do it.

Yeah.

Oh, God, it's so

big.

Oh, yeah.

yeah ah oh yeah

She's so wet.

Lucy! Luce, come on!

I'm not gonna make it. God damn it!

Luce!

Shit.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me. You're not going out public looking like that.

Like what?

With your goddamn tits hanging out is like what?

Come on, all the girls are wearing stuff like this nowadays.

Faye and Ray helped me pick it out.

Faye and Ray are divorced.

They're both living with a guy that neither of them is married to.

So what?

So... I don't want my own wife going out in public looking like a slut.

You sure say my own a lot.

My own wife this, my own wife that.

Wallace Green says that when a character uses the same words over and over again

in his dialogue, it usually sums up where his head is at.

I don't speak fucking dialogue.

And I'm not a character. I speak fucking English.

The last thing I fucking need is a shrink job from some sissy -ass theater

director. Well, the screen is definitely not gay.

That's a stereotype.

Yeah? Well, I met a live one the other day at the theater.

Burden F stereotype.

I didn't guess what the F stands for.

Okay, are you happy now?

You want a Texas chili dog? No.

How can you eat that stuff and stay so thin?

Well, I don't really eat it. I just kind of breathe in the spirit of it and take

a few tiny bites. That's all.

My main dish is the coleslaw.

Where's Paula?

I mean, isn't she going to join us for lunch? Well, I believe she went home for

lunch. Can you blame her?

Did you see the way that boy was waiting around last night like a puppy dog?

And to walk her one block?

Isn't that cute?

Well,

it looks like Phil isn't coming home for lunch. He's probably got tied up in

Midtown.

Good. Now you can help me eat this chili off before I lose my self -respect and

have another bite.

No, thank you. I'm not hungry.

Well, then he's probably still flashed behind him from seeing you in that

dynamite outfit and your new haircut.

Did he really like it?

Well, he really flipped out over it.

Let me tell you something.

This place is dangerous.

I got so horny.

And to call the fire department.

Oh, yeah.

You're a very bad influence, you know.

Mm -hmm.

This is most unprofessional.

Usually I give my actors their notes from the morning at lunchtime.

So we try to iron out any difficulties they might have.

Then I give them their battle plan for the afternoon.

You've turned me into a sexual maniac.

I can't get through the day unless I have a quick...

What do you call it over here?

Fixed?

Well, it grows with stuff and you can go back.

You do that and I tear your bloody ears off.

Oh, yeah.

Okay? Okay.

Wayne, I'm glad you could see me, man. I really appreciate it. Hey, no problem,

babe. You know, a stay store Johnny's got to stick together, right?

Right. Look, I don't know exactly how to tell you this, but... But what? Come

on, shoot straight, baby. I can take it.

There's something strange going on there down at that theater, man. Okay? I

don't know about you, but I don't have the same nice little wife I had a week

ago. She's never home.

And when she is at home, everything I do is fucking wrong.

Everything. Yeah, yeah.

I hear you. I know what you mean.

Last night, I said to the girls, you know, how about it?

Well, you would have thought I was a pure rattlesnake from the reaction that

broke loose. They said, we're not girls, we're women. And if you want to respect

our dignity, then you're going to have to give us our own personal space.

And that's when they gave me my own personal space and put me on the sofa.

Man, that's cruel.

Come on, I'm telling you, something's not right about this whole theater

business. No, you're right. So what do you suspect?

Bushwhacking? Yeah.

No, it's that director, Wallace Green.

At least he never stops jabbering about Wallace this and Wallace that. It's like

he's under some kind of fucking spell.

Yeah. Sex.

Alienation of affection.

That's what it is.

You know, we could sue his pants off. Yeah, if he's been keeping them on.

Whoa, wait.

You think he's been going that far?

You know, I don't know, but I sure as hell want to find out. The biggest

is how do we get inside that goddamn theater?

No, I don't.

I got it.

Patty, can I see you, please?

Mike and Ike.

Faye and Ray's ex -husband.

They still love the girls. I mean, the women. They'll help us out.

What are they? Burglars?

Betty, get Mike on the phone. I want to talk to him right away.

Okay. Okay. They're better than that. They're building inspectors.

All right, but if you're another batch of horny husbands, I will sew your

shut. Building inspectors.

Well, you can come inspect my structure anytime.

Now listen, pal, you don't let us in. We're going to be back in ten minutes

more police than you've ever seen in your life.

Oh, well, it's all very tempting, however I'm working.

So come in, come in.

And don't say I didn't warn you about the shameless pussies walking around

name.

Oh, Wayne.

Oh, Wayne, shit.

They're our wives.

Ex -wives.

Yeah, that's just a technicality.

Oh, no, don't look now, but check out the stage.

With passion, all unspent, she's ferned and left for dying.

The sea of neutered fern.

She's weak, even to claim her credit cards.

It's like you're working. Do something, huh?

The credit.

Cart credit.

It says everything to him.

And me, Lucilla.

Defies mere dresses.

And her wounds.

Are beyond dressing.

Hmm.

Yes, excellent, Priscilla.

Uh, Lucy.

Um... Well, you've got off on the wrong track here.

I mean, you're supposed to be in pain.

But you, uh, you look more like John Heath.

Like shit, man. Did you see that? She's practically humping the floorboards.

And did you hear the filthy talk?

Hey, that's dialogue.

It's allowed to be disgusting as long as it's artistic.

Effective immediately.

All women citizens of the world will be required to sit with their legs apart in

public.

Furthermore, the wearing of underpants, tight.

pantyhose or similar impediments to viewing is from this moment struck from

annals of decency.

Ah, they're probably wearing flesh -colored tights or something like that.

I don't think so.

Nice girls will retain their status and dignity regardless of what sexual

activity may ensue.

You must be the dancer.

Good. Come along.

Come on.

Right. This way. We've been waiting for you.

It's them.

All right. We said it's over.

I couldn't get John Travolta.

I brought you a couple of warm bodies for the shadow dance.

Bob and Bob?

This is fair way.

Don't talk when I recognize that voice. Just wave. Gee, we can't wave all

afternoon. We only have until five o 'clock, so you better get busy.

And no more funky chicken.

Okay, you two go in your bags front and center.

Not exactly the pick of the litter, are they, Ray? No, we'll work them into

shape. You guys got any rehearsal clothes, my pack, anything?

What are you two, deaf and dumb?

Bob and Rob, we have laryngitis. Both of you?

Oh, well, never mind.

Okay, you can't dance in those stiff -ass pants, so you might as well take

off. Come on. Come on, let's go.

Ray, you can play the point and dance to them, okay?

Okay. Well, the point is... Well, well, not the point, but the story goes

like... Well, the scene you're going to be doing... Well, didn't y 'all read the

script?

Well, I didn't get very far.

Yeah.

Oh, well, at least the scenery's getting a little more interesting.

Okay, let's all start with us stretching out, warming up a little bit. Anybody

can do that, okay?

Come on.

I got it. You got it?

A little.

Maybe a little bit more than a little.

Well,

on with the show.

Uh,

well, anyway, the idea of this is you guys are supposed to represent symbols

male populations, which is dead. Well, not exactly dead, but, uh... Impotent.

Right. Well, anyway, what's going to happen is we're going to dance around,

you guys just stay in whatever position we put you in.

Kind of like puppets, you know? Yeah.

Um, okay, let's try one.

Okay.

I'll be dancing around. You guys just stay in any position.

Now remember, no expression, okay?

Okay, Ray.

Just whatever you do, make sure you don't respond to us, okay? So we'll be

dancing around you very sensually.

I got it, Ray. You got it?

Yes. I know those cute little bun spots anywhere.

That's the fun.

Okay.

Just don't respond now.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh yeah.

Oh, come on, girls. You knew it was us all the time.

Did you see any naked men? I didn't see any naked men. Did you see any naked

men?

You don't get asses, cock.

Shit, I'm more worried about frostbite.

Don't you think they know it was us all the time, huh?

Don't you think?

Hey, don't fucking talk crazy to me.

Hey, look, I hired you. When you've got a job to do, then you fucking do it. Mr.

Dunbar? There's a collect call from Mr. Mike.

Yeah, Mike, Mike, sure. Okay, I'll take care of that, Betty. Okay. Hold on.

Yes, I'll accept the charges.

Mike! Wayne, you better get down here right away and bring the reserves.

Right. And two pair of jeans, please.

Good night, Wallace. Good night.

The house lights are still on. Did you want me to take care of it? No. You go

ahead. I have to run around and lock off anyway.

Okay. Good night, Wallace. Good night.

Yes? Who's there?

Hey, where's this smug Wallace Green, huh?

Schmuck? Yeah?

Your American vernacular is so colorful, especially in the realm of registering

disgust. Look, we just want to know where he is.

Shoot, now.

What are you going to do with him?

String him off like a dying coyote? For what?

Everybody in this joint is fucking nuts.

Hey, all right.

Phil baby.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, touchy.

What the fuck is this? Do I know?

Well, now, I do believe it's a little old way.

Sorry, I'm taking unfair advantage.

I know all about you, and you only think you know all about me.

I'm Wallace Green.

Come again? You can't be.

Wallace is a man's name.

Not in Britain it isn't.

W -A -L -L -I -S.

Surely you've heard of Wallace Simpson?

Yeah. Married one of our kings. So?

Look, would you fellas like to come around here, then we can have a nice,

argument, tooth to nail?

Yeah, yeah.

Damn, she's true.

All right.

So what's the beef?

Ah, the beef is simple.

Alienation of the affectation.

Affection.

Affection. Ah, right.

Or to put it on your level, in that vernacular, you like so much hands off

fucking merchandise.

Is that the way you think of your wives?

Merchandise. Fucking merchandise.

Look, Phil, you better lay off because we're going to be here till the fucking

sun goes up.

Okay, look.

I'm not going to mince around here anymore.

It was bad enough when you were at least a man.

Now, it's down to calling a dyke a dyke.

And that's just what I'm doing.

Who told you that?

What? You didn't tell me that.

Come on.

I just figured it out.

If the shoe fits, right?

Aren't you a silly man?

Of course I'm not gay.

If I were, they'd simply say so.

You and Archie Bunker must be the only men left alive who still conjure with

at such a prehistoric level. Look, look, look. We just want our women back the

way they were, okay?

That's so bloody boring.

Surely no one could be happy with that stagnant condition.

As a matter of fact, you two morons are the only ones in the whole group who

have any complaints.

The trouble with you two is you've got no fucking imagination. I mean that

literally.

God, you must be so boring in bed.

If I'm analyzing this dialogue right, she says

we're duds in the dick department.

Yeah. She doesn't know what she's talking about.

Oh, from a fancy, uh, speechifying aside.

A person can be articulate and still enjoy sex.

When was the last time either of you fucked a real, whole woman?

A woman of passion, ideas, ambition, creativity.

You mean a trip like you?

Forget it.

Yeah, hey, thanks, but no thanks.

Shut up and suck his cock. Shut up and suck his cock.

Shut up and suck his cock. Shut up and suck his cock. Open it.

We're going to see two of them.

Suck his cock now.

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth. Open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

What's your life?

Suck his cock.

What's your life?

Come on, everyone.

You want to? You want to?

I'll make you one. Come down. Come on. Come here.

Come on.

I've got this, art director. I'm going to eat my dick.

I'm going to shoot right in your face, huh?

What's the matter, huh? You want it, don't you, baby?

Come on. That's right. Come on.

That's right.

You like that, huh?

Go ahead.

That's right.

Come on. Go ahead.

Son of a bitch.

Come on.

Yeah.

Take a squat on my cock. Come on. Take a squat on my dick.

Take a squat on his fucking dick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm a freak.

Day one asshole.

Yeah.

Suck it now.

You should be mad too.

You should be real mad.

Our vernacular is not bad either.

Thank you, dude.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

Oh, yeah, what do you want?

What do you want?

What do you want?

That's right.

That's right. No, yeah.

Come on. I love you. I love your cock. I love it. I suck at it.

I love your cock. I'll eat it, you bitch.

I'm talking about it.

Yes.

Look at this. She wears a cock around her fucking neck.

Look at this.

See that?

Yes.

See that? She wears a cock around her fucking neck.

Thank you.

Yeah. Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, good job. Yes!

Yes! Yes!

is required to come to a tidy ending.

Things must actually cease at a predetermined point, as not to spill

the next show.

It is a matter of fees and feasibilities, royalties and fleas.

Whereas in real life, our rugs and suits of armor are littered with loose

endings, bits of characters scattered on the wall.

And remember it.

But of course, in real life, there is also real love.

And there is no finer ending than that.