Original subtitles

Thank you.

very much, Mildred, but I've no idea how long Tristram's going to be.

Oh, no hurry.

I can wait. Hop in. Oh, thanks. Here we go.

Well, I do hope you won't be long. Last time I saw him, he was playing hide -and

-seek with a little Fenimore girl.

Oh, bless him.

Got you!

Let me go!

No, not until you've said it. Said what?

That you like me much more than Vanessa Lockwood.

Go on, admit it, and I'll let you give me a kiss.

I was right. He does love me.

Your wedding anniversary when?

Day after tomorrow.

Oh, don't tell George.

It will spoil everything. What do you mean?

Well, if he forgets our anniversary like he did last year, it means he won't be

able to deny me anything.

On the other hand, if he remembers, it'll mean a 10p card, a wild night out

a lamb and trumpet, all the crisps I can eat, and a lager and lye with a cherry

in it.

Oh, come on.

Stupid bit!

That was close.

What was?

Never mind.

Well, where would you like to go for your wedding anniversary, Mildred? Where

I've just come from.

Look in the glove compartment.

Uh, the Hampton Wick laundrette. No, love, the brochure. Oh.

Oh. A long weekend at the London Hotel.

Special package deal.

Oh, just think, Anne.

No cooking, no cleaning. Just good food and good wines and a head waiter that

looks like Paul Newman.

But how much is all this going to cost?

Oh, food and wine. Well, part of the package deal.

Paul Newman?

No idea.

Still going to cost rather a lot.

I know.

Poor George.

He'd rather give blood than money.

If he had any.

Still, I'm up there. It does look very nice. Well, like it says on the

The London Hotel caters for only the cream of international society.

The cultured, the sophisticated, and those dedicated to the arts of gracious

living.

Want me to order anything else, Uncle Harry? A liqueur? Brandy? After dinner,

Mint? An exterminator.

Ex -ter -min -ator.

What?

qualified professional person, trained to seek out, destroy, and generally

dispose of undesirable elements in our society.

Undesirable elements?

To wit, a certain business competitor of mine who, not to put too fair a point

on it, is beginning to get right up my hooter.

One Bridges by name.

Oh, you mean you want a hitman?

No, Elvis, I do not mean I want a hitman. If I wanted a hitman, I would

used very...

Shy love.

There is shy love here.

Emily's meat cleaver.

No, Elvis, times have changed.

The old tearaway days are dead and gone. I am now the head of a legitimate

multinational business, which is why I need someone who will carry out his

not only with skill, diligence and discretion, but in the event of his

apprehended, will keep his big yap shot.

Can I do it?

Do what?

Be the hitman.

Oh, my God, not that again.

Go on, Uncle, just once. I mean, how can I learn the business without a little

practical experience? I have told you, times have changed.

Besides, what if you were caught?

What could I say to your mother?

You wouldn't know where to start.

I could learn?

Well...

Do they teach assassination at the London Business School? Could you take a

course in shooting, strangling and what to do with the body?

Oh, I know how keen you are, Elvis, but it's just not on.

Well, it's still not right. I thought organised crime would be interesting,

exciting, a bit of fun.

Well, I mean, the way it's turning out, I might just as well be an accountant

with a little townhouse in the suburbs where I wash the cars every week.

She's done it again.

Did Naughty Mildred run you over with a lawnmower and knock your little head

off? Never mind. Uncle George will soon make it better.

Do you normally talk to bits of concrete?

It's not a bit of concrete.

It's a genuine garden gnome with a personality of his own.

He's dopey. He's not the only one.

Yeah, well, there's no harm in it, is there?

It's not often you get the chance of talking as much as you like without

contradicted. Oh.

That reminds me.

Has she said anything?

Who, about what?

Your missus, about me.

We don't discuss you. It encourages Tristan to pick up bad language.

Only, um... Mildred's been behaving very strangely the last few days.

Strangely? Yeah.

Being nice, kind, considerate. What's strange about that?

Well, I've done nothing to deserve it, have I?

Just been behaving the way I usually do, you know. Mean, selfish, rotten.

Yes, that's... Oh, no, I wouldn't put it quite as strong as that.

So, um, has Mildred been saying anything to your missus about it? I've already

told you no. You have to ask her yourself.

Oh!

I know why I bothered, don't I? I really don't.

Oh!

Thank you, love.

There we are.

Hello, George.

Have a nice day.

Hello, Mr. Fulmer.

Um, see you later, Anne.

You didn't accept a lift and that, did you? I've warned you before. It's a

trap.

Shall we talk about it inside, Geoffrey?

I don't know, don't we? What can I say?

I think we should have a little chat. Yeah, so do I. Oh, my God.

I thought for a moment.

A chat? What about?

My financial situation.

I need some money.

Urgently. Hey, what for?

To get away from here.

I'm having woman trouble.

You are?

Women. Girls.

They won't leave me alone.

And I'm fed up with it. I mean, who needs them?

I'd rather have a pet frog.

I know how you feel.

So I was hoping you could let me have 50 pence.

Towards my bus fare.

I've got to go somewhere I can be alone.

Think things out.

Where did you have your mind?

As far as possible.

France.

Madagascar, the South Pacific, Monteveria and East Croydon.

No, look, I'm sorry, son. If I had 50 pence, I'd come with you. Now, you hop

off. I've got work to do.

Suit yourself.

But I would have thought it was worth a lot more than a measly 50 pence.

What?

You do know something, don't you?

All right. What is it?

Tomorrow's Thursday.

I know that.

Thursday the 12th.

I know that as well.

It's not as though it's Mildred's birthday or anything, is it?

That's all you know for 50 pence. I want it back. Oh, my God, it's our wedding

anniversary. She'll kill me.

That's right.

Thanks for the 50 pence, Mr Roper.

Mr Roper? Yeah? Happy anniversary.

Thanks for the use of the phone.

You won't say anything to Mildred, will you?

For the surprise, of course not.

It's just nice to know you remembered, after all.

Remembered? Of course I remembered.

How could I possibly forget a thing like that?

Director Inquiries.

I'm trying to find the number of the Candlelight Restaurant.

It's just outside Weybridge.

Yeah, that's right. I

was

sure you'd forgotten, George.

What, wedding anniversary?

The greatest day in my life.

All right, don't rub it in.

I'm sorry for all those... nasty things I said to you this morning before you

told me what you'd arranged.

Forget it.

Thank you, George.

Not at all.

Anyone can make a mistake.

Not to mention being mean, spiteful and extremely unpleasant.

George. Yes, my love?

Oh, nothing.

After all, this is supposed to be a very special occasion.

It certainly is. I think it's a next on the left. Oh.

Whatever made you think of it?

It? Yes, I mean, taking me back to the very same restaurant where you proposed

to me all those years ago.

Oh, and it suddenly came to me yesterday.

The last month.

What I said would give Mildred the greatest pleasure on our wedding

I said.

A solid gold locket, I said.

Well, since you mentioned it, George... Of course not, I said. It'd be too

obvious, I said.

It would?

Yes, she could have one of those any time she wants, I said.

I can?

Any time I have to wear with all to buy one.

life wants and deserves, I said.

Surprise, surprise.

So it suddenly came to me.

Why don't we take a trip down memory lane, I said, you know, recapture the

romance of yesteryear, I said. It would only be a lot of fun.

And it wouldn't cost much money.

Yes, right.

No, no, no, no, that's wrong. Ah, I think we're arriving.

Oh, we seem to be the only ones here.

Well, it's a bit early for most people yet.

Yeah, I wonder if Luigi will remember us.

Why should he? I don't remember him.

Well, you know, the head waiter, the big bloke with the bad feet.

Oh, George, that was a long time ago.

He's probably gone to the Great Savoy Grill in the sky.

Anyway, who cares? As long as the food's all right. I am starved. Yeah, all

right, we'll eat straight away. I've booked our original table, the one by

orchestra.

Oh, George.

You've thought of everything.

Right, shall we go in?

George? Yeah?

Oh.

Sorry, sorry.

Thank you, George.

George? Yeah?

It really was a nice idea of yours.

Romantic, too.

It seems I've, um, underestimated you.

Yeah, well, that's your trouble, Mildred.

You've always underestimated me.

Shall we go in?

I think it's very romantic.

What? Mr Roper taking Mildred back to the restaurant where they got engaged.

Yeah, well, he always was a bit of a masochist.

Who'd have thought that Mr Roper would have come up with an idea like that?

Mildred was convinced he wouldn't even remember the date.

It was a first time for everything, even a glimmer of intelligence in a man like

that. I still think it's romantic.

Let's take a trip down old memory lane with this.

Let's try and recapture some of the romance of yesteryear.

Seems to be some slight change in management.

Well, what do we do now?

Just have to go somewhere else. Come on. Right. Oi!

You talking to me?

Do you think you should have booked the special table? Oh, yeah, but you see,

there's been some slight misunderstanding.

Not as far as I'm concerned, mate.

You booked it.

You got it.

Best table in the house.

Right next to the orchestra.

Ah, yeah, but there's been some slight mistake, you see.

We had no idea the place would change hands.

Yeah, well, that's your lucky act, Josh.

I mean, I've already had to turn down half a dozen customers on account of

booking. So sit down. Yeah, listen, you don't expect me to... There's Victor

George. Just do what he said.

Now we're here, we might as well have a snack.

I'm starving.

Yeah, me too. All right.

What have you got?

Well, you name it.

Egg and chips, fish and chips, pie and chips, chum -chop and chips, or mixed

grill? Mixed grill?

Egg, fish, pie, chomp -chop and chips.

Right? Right.

I'll just have a coffee.

Yeah, me too.

With or without?

Without. I mean, without.

With, please.

Well, fine wedding anniversary. This is turning out to be.

Well, how was I to know they'd changed the place into a pulling for yobbos? You

should have checked up.

How could I? There wasn't time.

Tristram only reminded me yesterday.

So you had forgotten.

I knew it.

And to think I actually apologised for what I said to you this morning.

I did not forget.

I just temporarily slipped my mind.

How could you?

I mean, obviously, a wedding anniversary means nothing to you anymore.

Of course it does.

What's it done? And what's more, I'll prove it to you.

How? By seeing if they've got our tune.

On that thing? Yeah.

Well, they might have a punk version by the Sox Pistols.

The who?

Yeah, or even them.

Oh, sorry.

Oh,

I'm sorry, they haven't got it.

They haven't got what, George?

Our tune.

What's the title?

Oh,

it's...

Well, you've forgotten it, haven't you, George?

What has this bird been bothering you, girl?

You what?

Your belt up.

I've been watching him. He's really got you going, hasn't he? I said shut up.

I hate to see a lovely little dolly like you being pushed around by a sawn -off

little git like him.

You just say the word and I'll give him a smacking.

All right?

Mildred, tell him who I am. Who you are?

I've just told you who you are. You're a sworn -off little git.

That's who you are.

And you're a lovely little dolly who's just got to say the word and pow!

I'll give it him.

Like in a ribcage, pow!

Just like that. All right?

No, no, I don't need any help. Thank you.

Nice little dolly. She's old enough to be your... Er, George.

I'll let you know if I...

reconsider. Mr, uh... Call me Jacko. Mr Jacko.

But, uh, I am his wife.

It wouldn't sooner be his widow instead.

No, she would not.

Oh, well, just as you like, girl.

Don't you forget, spider.

All right.

You enjoyed that, didn't you? You reveled in it.

Well, it's a long time since anyone's called me a dolly.

Lucky for him, he ran away when he did.

I'd have thrashed him with an inch of his life.

You'd thrash him?

Don't be silly.

Yeah, I know he's short, all tall, but he didn't really want to punch up.

Not with someone like me. A quick look and boom.

In the solar plexus, he'd have been out like a light.

I wouldn't bet on it. I know he's short, all wind and water.

I wouldn't mind betting he's got his muscles sewn in his jacket.

Well... Now's a chance to find out. Eh?

He's coming back.

Oh, God.

One with and one without.

Special personal service on account of this lovely little dolly here.

Thank you very much, Jacko.

He's not a bad little dolly, is he?

Oh, bravo.

Here. Why don't you sling him out?

Take me out instead.

I told you to shut up. Right, that's it.

Outside. You've hurt my head.

Outside.

Serve yourself.

Here. Oh, mothballs, it's only caught me out.

I can only be put so far, Mildred.

And this is it. No, don't.

A man would do what man would do.

Up. Up.

Stop.

Let's just stand there. Let's go out the other way.

My zero.

Up. Up. Move.

Now, don't let me hate you, Jacko.

I'm sure we've got to get her over a nice chump chop and chips if we can come

somewhere else. Oh, all right.

Now, that's enough.

Now, you've had your fun, Jacko, and I'll leave him alone.

Let's go.

It's too late, girl.

Please, Jacko.

It's my Christian duty to dub him up now.

Besides,

I've got my reputation to consider.

Listen, Jacko, I'm warning you. If I lose my temper, you'll regret it, you

No, Jacko.

Mr. Eption, can I help you?

Oh, good evening.

I'd like to book one of your get -away -from -it -all, no -expenses -spares,

long -week -end packages.

Oh, no.

I didn't realise that VAT and service charges were extra.

Oh, well, in for a penny, in for a pound, as my husband always says.

Well, this weekend, if possible.

Oh, yes, I will.

She's checking.

Mildred.

Yes, George?

May I say something?

Like what?

Where you'd like to be buried?

Because either you pay for this long weekend or you'll be paying for the rest

your life.

So what's it to be?

Yes?

Oh. Well, I know it's short notice, but I was hoping... Oh, full up, are they?

Oh, oh, dear.

Oh, you can give us what?

Two single rooms.

Oh, it could have been worse.

Oh. With connecting doors, we'll take them.

Oh, George, you're so good to me.

Oh, uh, Roper.

Mrs. and Mr.

Roper. Thank you, Mrs. Roper. We look forward to seeing you tomorrow evening.

Around seven?

Yes. Bye.

Captain Ratneil of Britain Airways. Please call at reception.

Hold the lift, please. Hold the lift.

Call at reception, please.

Didn't quite make it.

Mr. Pinter, sir.

Telephone. Roy, you go on up.

Harry Pinter.

Hello, Gordon.

You here?

Good. What's his name?

Tell him to come tomorrow evening. Shall we say 7 o 'clock sharp?

The hotel car park.

What will he be driving?

I see.

I'll have someone meet him.

I'm sure he is good, if you recommend him.

Yeah. Cheerio.

Oh, do hurry up, George.

He'll be here any minute.

Who, the bailiffs?

If you mention the cost of this weekend just once more... Mildred, it's supposed

I can't meet the bill.

Listen, I'm a traffic ward, you know, not Aristotle Anathis.

Oh, I'm sure you'll find the money somehow, George.

I mean, if the worst comes to the worst, you can always sell something.

Like what?

Well, your old motorbike, your grubby magazine collection, your, er,

body, if you have to. Don't be disgusting.

I meant to medical science.

Oh.

Oh, you don't think I meant...

God, they wouldn't even pay for morning tea.

What about truffles? Who's going to look after her? You didn't think of that,

did you? Yes, we did, yes. The four miles.

Isn't it nice of them? Yeah, bloody marvellous.

Do we have to take him? You know what sort of dog he is? A Yorkshire Terrier.

very leaky Yorkshire Terrier.

Couldn't Mrs Roper take him with them?

Her. She's a bitch.

I thought you liked her.

Truffles. They can't take her on a second honeymoon.

That animal is a sprinkler system on legs.

Daddy, you know that old basket?

Mr Roper?

The one under the stairs.

I've made up a bed for truffles.

My fishing creel.

And I've lined it with a sort of woolly thing from the linen cupboard.

Woolly thing?

Knit yourself a glamorous evening gown. Nimble fingers, part 23.

I've always wanted a dog.

I'd throw things if she could pick them up.

Oh, you don't need a dog to do that. I've been doing that for years.

Come on, let's go and collect her. Do we have to?

I mean, couldn't she pop them through the letterbox or something?

I've told you, Mildred invited us in for a drink before they go.

Would be.

George, where's Truffles?

I suppose you realise we're going to miss Wonder Woman. I bet she's under

table. Who, Wonder Woman?

Truffles.

Oh, there you are.

I like the way she spins round and round and round. No -one knows she's Diana

Prince because she isn't wearing her glasses.

That'll be the four miles.

Let him in, George, will you?

The way she catches bullets on a watsit.

Uh, George.

All right, all right, I'm going.

If you can lasso me any time.

Now, you behave yourself.

No little paddles on the four miles carpets.

Right. Right, come in, come in.

Hello, well done, loves.

Oh, it's ever so nice for you to dog -sit at such short notice.

Would you like to sit down? Oh, thanks, there we go.

There you are.

Uh, George?

Yeah? Get them some drinks.

Oh, yeah.

What do you want?

Oh, anything, really. What have you got?

I've got a lot. Light, round, mild, bitter. I might even have some lager. I

think we'd prefer something stronger.

I may have some sherry.

Would that be the Moroccan sherry you gave us last time?

No.

This one comes from Hong Kong. No.

Thank you.

I think I'll have a scotch.

Gin and tonic for me, please.

My usual.

Scotch, gin.

I shall have to take out a second mortgage.

So you're going to the London Hood?

Oh, do you know it? Oh, yes, I've dined there several times. They have one of

the best chefs in Europe.

His Canard Louis V of ecoranges is superb.

Especially with a dollop of daddy sauce.

Right, gin and tonic, scotch?

Which is which?

Oh, well, that's the gin.

Oh, and that's the tonic.

Yeah, that's the scotch.

If you want anything in it, I'll have a drop of scotch.

Well, I asked for my usual and I got it.

Oh, tell me.

You have been a bit mean with the drinks, George.

Have I?

Oh, sorry, sorry. I'll make up for it the next round.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

My word, look at the time. I'd better put the bags in the car.

George. What?

The drinks.

Ah, no, better not, Mildred. After all, I am driving.

your car park at seven o 'clock sharp.

Hold on.

At seven o 'clock sharp.

How will I know him?

He'll be driving a lavender Daimler Jaguar and identify himself as Morris

over the river.

Morris from over the river.

Driving a lavender Daimler Jaguar.

Licence number GFA.

411N. G -S -8 -4 -1 -1 -N.

Got it.

Yes, well, that shouldn't be too difficult, even for you, Elvis.

You leave it to me, Uncle.

I'll find him.

Yeah, well, you'd better get a move on. It's nearly seven o 'clock now.

Yeah, right.

I'm going.

And please, don't worry.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Thank you.

For you, move along.

I'll phone if we need a minicab.

Minicab? Do you mind? I happen to be madam's husband.

And these are our bags.

You're staying here?

Yeah. Long weekend package deal.

Oh, one of them.

Oi, corporal.

Where's the car park?

First turn in on the right. Oh, right.

See you inside.

Lavender Daimler Jaguar.

Sure.

Excuse me.

Yes? Morris, isn't it?

Well, yes, it is, actually, but why are you... Hold on.

GFA411N. Got it.

And you, I take it, are from over the river?

Well, from Hampton Wick, actually, but... What do you mind? Elvis.

Elvis Lever. The Patroni's numerous owner.

You are? I'm the big man's welcoming committee.

Oh, what, you mean the boss of this... Yeah, and he sent me down to meet you.

Come on, we're late.

Well, this is very decent of him.

Does he welcome everyone like this? Only the top men in their chosen

professions. And you are one of the best in yours, aren't you?

Oh, yeah, I like to think I am.

How did you find out? We checked up on you, obviously.

You've had all this trouble just for a single package deal?

Well, it may be a single package deal to you, Morris. George.

What?

George. George Roper.

Ah, right.

Got it. George it is.

And why not?

It's as good a name as any.

Right.

Know something, George?

Your job fascinates me.

Always has done.

Oh, yeah. It's a lot of fun.

A lot of fun?

Yeah. I'm known as the Hampton Horror.

When people see me walking down the high street, the blood drains from their

faces.

I bet it does, George.

I bet it does.

Would you mind me asking how you got into this line of work in the first

Oh, not at all.

I just went down to the labour and signed on.

Went down to the labour and signed on.

I like it, George. I like it.

The red case goes in here and the other one next door.

In my husband's room.

Oh, in that case, madam, shall I unlock the connecting door?

Oh, well, why not? I mean, after all, it's supposed to be a second honeymoon.

On the other hand, what's the point?

He'll only put a chair under the handle. No, don't bother.

Oh, right.

Oh, and here's, um... Here's something for your trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all, madam, no trouble.

And I see you realise that.

If you do happen to see my husband anywhere, would you ask him to get a

Otherwise, we're going to be late for dinner.

How will I recognise him?

Oh, you can't miss him.

He's a bit on the short side, blue suit, ginger moustache, and the sort of

manner that goes with his uniform.

Ah, he's a military gentleman, is he?

No, he's a... He's a traffic warden.

I appreciate your reluctance to talk about your work, but just as a matter of

interest, what's your record for one day?

Oh, er...

Oh, yeah, about 22.

22? Yeah. That's not possible.

Well, I admit I had to be pretty nippy on my feet, but I got them all in the

end, every one of them. Every one of them? Yeah.

Caught up with one at the traffic lights.

Traffic lights?

In broad daylight?

Yeah. He just sat there petrified, didn't know what hit him.

Didn't know what hit him?

My God.

This is Morris, Uncle Harry.

Martin, too.

He prefers to be called George at the moment. Right, George?

Yes. Yes,

well, there's your privilege, George. I'm Harry. That's Vela... Shinoff. Vela

Shinoff over there. This is Marlene, a budding actress, model and my little

protégé.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

It's a nice place you've got here.

Yes, what if we couldn't afford the best, buy the best, I always say.

And that's why you're here, George.

You come highly recommended, George.

Oh, do I?

Yes, my contact tells me there's no one quite like you south of the river.

That's very nice of him.

And he's right, Uncle.

Do you know what George told me on the way up?

I can see you and me is going to get on very well together.

A drink?

Yes, but only in moderation.

Uncle wants to know what you'd like to drink.

Scotch, champagne, brandy, liqueur, you name it. Oh, a brown ale, please.

Brown ale?

You sure?

If George wants a brown ale, bring George a brown ale.

Yes, Uncle.

I admire a man with simple taste, envy him even.

For those of us who are blessed or should I say cursed with a profound

appreciation of the arts.

Some of us are really ripped off by some of these ponciard dealers.

Which is why I decided to have a go myself. Who knows?

I might end up another Dick Van Dyke.

Care to take a look?

I... Oh, yes, right.

Well, what do you think?

They're very nice.

What do you mean you haven't seen him?

He only went to park the car.

Could you put down the call for him, please?

Yes, tell him I'll be in the bar.

Thank you.

I bet he's still down there, booking every car in sight.

Oh!

Oh, I do beg your pardon.

For what, madame? Oh,

I'm very kind of you.

Not at all.

Oh, do you think you could direct me to the nearest lift, please? I'm a little

lost. Allow me to escort you.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Do you come here often?

Every time I come over on business. From Barcelona.

Barcelona? Oh, Italy.

Spain, actually.

Oh, fat Barcelona.

So you're Spanish, then?

Ah, you are very perfective, madame, yes.

Just a lonely Spanish businessman a long way from home.

And you, you are on your own?

To all intents and purposes, yes. Then perhaps you will allow me to buy you a

drink? Oh, I'm afraid not, no.

No, I'm supposed to be meeting somebody in the bar. Oh, even so, you can't at

least have one little drink while you're awake.

Why not?

C 'est la guerre, as you Spanish say.

Look, I really should be getting off.

What's your hurry, George?

I can't wait to get started.

No, it's the wife, you see. She'll kill me.

Did you hear that?

Shadov. Shadov, his wife will kill him.

No, don't.

Well, I'll tell you, H .P.

Hose, ain't I killing me?

Can I have a rest?

Of course.

I really ought to be off.

Yeah, but you haven't had your beer yet. Elvis, what are you doing out there?

Brewing the stuff?

Sorry, Uncle. I can't find any.

No one's ever asked for brown ale before. I'll have to send down for some.

don't bother. George wants to get going.

If you don't mind. No, not at all, George.

I appreciate your enthusiasm.

It's people like you who make this world a better place to live in.

Nice of you to say so.

The envelope.

Oh, yes.

It's all there, George.

Photo, name, address, the lot.

Whose photo?

Not now, George. You know what I mean.

Just pop it in your pocket and look at it later.

I don't quite... Don't worry, George. You'll find everything has been taken

of.

Well, if you'll forgive me, all this painting's made me feel so artistically

drained, I think I'll have a little lie down.

Well, goodbye, George.

Good hunting.

You too.

Come on in.

Time for another coaching session.

What costume should I wear? The gym slip or the naughty nurse?

Oh, I forgot.

You'll get off your feet in the usual way, downstairs, OK?

Downstairs? Shake, rattle and roll. Comprende?

Good luck, George.

Thank you.

Salud. Oh, cheers.

This is very kind of you, Mr... Sandra.

Don Sandra Rodriguez. And you?

Oh, I'm Mildred.

Mildred Dorothy Roper. Nii Tremble. E Hampton Wick.

Senora Roper, I see.

You are married, yes?

I have a husband, yes.

But don't let's please talk about me. I mean, I'm sure you've got enough

troubles of your own.

I would adore to talk about you, Mildred.

But not here.

We need to be alone.

Let us talk over dinner in the privacy of my room, yes?

Oh, well, that's very thoughtful of you, Sancho, but I couldn't. I never have,

you see.

You never have what?

Dined alone.

With a man.

That wasn't my husband, I mean.

Ah.

How many husbands have you had?

Only the one. But it was a very kind invitation. It was very nice of you.

In Spain, we have a saying.

It is easy to be nice to a beautiful lady.

Oh.

How...

Utterly charming.

You never get my husband to say anything like that.

But surely... No, really.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this.

Must be because you've got a kind face.

Not to mention the gin in it.

No, the fact is that the last time I went out with George, you know, we dined

together, the only romantic thing he said to me was, well, Mildred, this is

better than a clap in the face with a wet fish.

How poetic.

Look, I...

Are you sure you won't change your mind? If we order now, dinner can be sent

straight to my room. You see, the truth is that I've wanted to talk to somebody

like this for years.

I mean, really talk, you know what I mean?

Well, yes, but like I say, if we do not move... You see, the thing is, my

husband doesn't understand me.

Very nice.

I'm probably broke, too.

Mildred?

Mildred, you in there?

Oh,

oh.

Is that the operator?

Yeah, this is room 632.

I want to know if anybody's seen my wife.

What's your name?

My name's Roper, George Roper.

Description? Oh,

about 5 '9", gingery moustache.

Oh, her, yeah.

Could you just ask the receptionist if my wife left a message?

Have a talk.

Oh, which bar's that?

Oh, yeah, right. Thank you, Tom.

Oh, I don't know.

She hasn't noticed.

I'd better get down there before she thinks the place dry.

I don't want to be disloyal to George. He's got many hidden qualities.

Well, he hides them from me anyway.

I mean, he even spoils our wedding day.

I mean, the most beautiful moment of the ceremony.

And he flips a rolled -up porn ticket on my finger.

Yes.

Well, I really should be... And the honeymoon?

Two solid weeks of Monopoly.

The only thrill of the fortnight was when he landed on me waterworks.

Signora, I really moved... Everybody said that a wartime marriage couldn't

Well, ours did.

Where did we go wrong?

Waiter! Fill her up!

I'm so sorry, I...

I just remember I have to see a man about a chihuahua.

Adios, senor.

And what would madam like now?

A husband.

Sorry I can't help.

You're a handsome looking devil, George Roper.

How lucky could a woman get?

Oh, excuse me, I'm looking for a woman.

No accounting for taste?

No, no.

My wife told me to meet her down here.

Oh, I see.

Well, if she's the one I think she is, she said, would I tell you that she's

gone to spend a pound?

Don't you mean spend a penny?

Not in that place, dear.

That's a casino.

They gamble for money.

Well, what do you think they did in there?

They had snakes and ladders for smarties.

Oh, my God.

Place your bets, please.

One more bet, thank you.

Red, 23.

Some.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

think you're doing?

Do you know how long I've been waiting for you? Oh, yeah, well, I can explain

that. No more bets, thank you.

Lack 35?

Oh, no.

Well, if it's time lucky, George, pick a number.

Oh, five.

Right, five it is.

How much do these things cost, Miltie?

It's only a pound.

You mean ten things a go?

Of course not.

A pound a go. Place your bets, please.

A pound a go? Are you potting? Here, get your money back.

I will not.

I have come here to enjoy myself, and you are not going to spoil it by your

meanness. No more bets, thank you.

How can anyone enjoy themselves losing every penny they've got?

You can't win. It's fixed in the management's favour.

Five, right? There, I see. Number five. Number five.

George, we've won.

That's 35 to one.

35 to one.

That's 35 quid. Yes.

Now, we're going to call it quits while we're ahead.

Hold on a minute.

What's the hurry?

Uncle. Uncle, it's George's coat.

Yeah, what is it?

Where's the Venom? Shiloh East, downstairs, arranging George's first

This coat, George left it behind. I'd better take it to him. What, now,

downstairs in front of everyone so they know you're acquainted?

Oh, well... Then go and bungle in his car and make sure it's the right car.

Right. Oh, come on, Uncle.

I got the right car last time, didn't I?

Now, George, that's enough.

What do you mean, that's enough? I've only just started.

It's a gift, Mildred. I just can't lose.

Oh, my God.

Well, come on, hurry up. I haven't got all night.

Here's your bets, please.

The wrong one.

What do you mean, he's the wrong one?

Because the real one's in the back of his jag.

As dead as a dingo's doodle.

Sorry, boss.

It, uh...

It seems I got the wrong one. The wrong one?

What are you talking about, you idiot? The wrong one?

Well, he must have been a decoy, Mr. Bridges. It's just a sort of dirty,

trick Harry Pinto would pull. You sure it's not the one? No, the real one's in

the casino collecting his first installment.

Oh, come on. We all make mistakes.

Don't mess it up this time.

No, of course I won't.

Not a second time.

You better not, Harvey.

You know what'll happen to you if you do.

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

Ciao, Uncle.

13, right?

Thank you very much. I just can't stand it any more. Trust me, Mildred, I know

what I'm doing.

Er, leave it there, please.

Place your bets, please.

He's a what?

A traffic warden, Uncle, from Hampton Wick.

A traffic warden, are you sure?

Well, that's what his wife told him in reception.

He's here with his wife?

They booked in for the weekend.

Wedding anniversary celebration.

Ah, that's nice.

You've really excelled yourself this time, Elvis. I sent you out for an

exterminator.

And you come back with a traffic warden.

I'm sorry, Uncle. I won't do it again.

How could you be so stupid?

I knew there was something wrong with that little tow rag the moment he walked

through that door.

You said you liked his style.

Who are you?

A real professional.

That's what you called him. I won't tell you again. At least we found out in

time.

Torag. Black,

15.

Sorry, sir.

That's me, Mildred, he said.

I know what I'm doing, Mildred, he said.

Do you realise how much money you've just lost?

Well, that's the way it goes in roulette, Mildred. It's what they call a

temporary setback. I'll win it back again.

All I need is a bit of capital. How much money you got?

Don't. Mildred, I'm on a winning streak. I only need a few quid.

Not my few quid.

Let me wallet upstairs.

Right. Then let's go and get your wallet. Oh, no, Mildred. George!

You do realise we're too late for dinner.

63062, please.

That's all right.

We can send out for a bag of chips.

A bag of chips?

We are in the London Hotel and not in the local doss house.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh.

In that case, we'll send out the two rock salmon then and a bag of chips.

We will go out somewhere.

Let's go and get our coats. Oh, Milt, I don't know.

I was just wondering if you could think of anyone else.

Same deal and conditions, plus a productivity bonus if he has to take out

bodyguard as well.

We'll do what you can.

Yes, we'll brief him here.

The photograph, name, address. Oh, my God, I'll turn you back.

Elvis, where is the envelope?

Envelope? The envelope we gave to Morris, the one with the photo, the

address and all the gear.

Morris? Oh, you mean George. George Roper.

What does it matter what he's called?

We've got to get it back.

Because if they put two and two together and go to the police... You're right.

Get that envelope back.

Find out exactly what they know.

If they haven't rumbled us...

No problem.

But if they have?

Then kill them.

Hurry up, George.

George, come on, get a move on.

I can't find it.

What, your wallet? No, the other coat.

Oh, don't be so silly.

I'll look for it.

It's no use.

You tell me that the boss of this hotel sent someone down to meet you in the car

park, right? Took you out to the penthouse, and that's where you left

overcoat? Yes.

Why should he do that?

Well, certainly it'd make me feel very welcome and show me his little project,

eh?

Granted.

Yeah. Keep it nice.

Keep it nice on a sort of sofa. Now, you listen, George. I don't know what

you're trying to hide, but if you don't stop this nonsense and tell me where you

really left that coat... All right, all right.

If you don't believe me, why don't you go up there right now and ask him

yourself? Oh, so you can sneak back to the casino? Not likely.

Anyway, Mildred, I can't go out without me overcoat. I'll catch me dead.

On the other hand, if you did catch a cold, you'd be about as much fun as a

weekend in High Wycombe.

Right, let's go back and get your muffler.

I wish you'd make up your mind.

Quick, George, it's going out.

I don't feel hungry. I seem to have lost my appetite.

Do you think I could be thickening for something?

Thickening? Yes. For something? No.

Look, go and get your muffler, George.

I'll wait here.

It's been a very long day.

Couldn't we just have an early night?

Just you and me.

Alone.

Together. Well, who else?

I'll go and get my muffler.

No, no, no.

No, I'll be all right.

You ought to sit down. Look, over there. Oh, yes. Lean on me. There you go.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, look.

There you go.

There.

I've been running up the... Oh, you're very kind.

You sure you wouldn't like me to get you a doctor?

No, really.

He'd only tell me what I already know.

And what's that?

I shouldn't be here at all.

Well, where should you be then? In a hospital.

On a shelf.

In a bottle.

Never? Oh, yes.

I've got things wrong with me that I haven't even got names for.

Oh, good heavens.

Of course, I know what's causing it.

Stress.

Stress? The constant worry.

The anxiety about the wife, the kids, school fees.

Oh, I know just what you mean.

You've got kids as well, have you?

No, I'm afraid not. My husband and I just didn't get round to it.

All right.

Muffler, muffler.

Hello, George.

Oh, hello.

What are you doing here?

I just came to return your coat.

Oh.

That's very kind of you.

I won't need me muffler now.

How did you manage to get in here?

Oh, I suppose Mr Pinto has a passkey, has he?

Come here, George.

What? I've got something for you.

We're Mr Pinto's compliments.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Me. You?

In exchange for that envelope.

Which envelope?

The one he gave you. Oh.

Oh, yeah, that one. Of course. I told him.

What sort of a girl do you think I am, I said.

Then I thought.

Why not, I thought.

It will make a nice change.

And I've always liked little men.

Well, when I say little, I don't mean... Anyway, fair

dues. Right, then.

What are you doing? I'm looking for it. Looking for what?

That envelope.

Oh, why don't you say so?

Well, come on, let's have it. Right, I'll...

Oh, I don't know where it is.

Now, look.

Well, now, hang on. I remember putting it in my pocket.

Well, let's look for it. Come on, take your clothes off.

Me wife's outside if she finds us like this.

Well, give me the envelope.

Selfie, I haven't got it.

All right, George.

That's the way you want it.

Let's see what you're made of.

It's no use, George.

I'm stronger than you. So you might as well lay back and enjoy it.

And this is little Bonnie in her brownie uniform.

Oh, how sweet.

And this is Clyde. I'm hoping he's going to follow me in the family business.

Oh, what's that?

Removals. Oh. Well, it's been ever so nice talking to you.

Now, are you sure you're all right? Yes, I'm fine.

But duty calls, as they say. Yeah.

Oh, you mean a removal job?

Exactly.

Well, I suppose I'd better find out what's happened to my husband.

It's been ever so nice meeting you.

Likewise.

Good night, and thank you once again.

Good night, Mr... Oh, what a charming man.

Oh, he's so gentle, he's so kind.

So where's George?

George? Is that you?

George?

To

a

lady, with all my love.

From your devoted admirer, Antoine.

Who the hell's Antoine?

It is I.

And who are you?

Oh, please, forgive me, madame. But when I saw you earlier this evening across

the crowded casino, I said to myself, sacre bleu, I said.

That is for me.

Oh, did you?

Oh, please, do not be frightened.

I know I did wrong.

But I just couldn't help myself.

I'm not frightened, Antoine.

It's very flattering, I suppose.

Then you will not send me away?

Oh, sorry, yes, I'm afraid I must.

I mean, you may find this very difficult to believe, but I am a married woman.

Sorry, Antoine.

Very well. If you insist, I will go.

But please, not before one petite glass of champagne.

Oh! Oh, no.

No, I really... Oh, please, Chappie.

Oh. All right, then, well, but just the one. I mean, you wouldn't want me to get

into trouble with my husband, would you?

No, he's so, uh... He's so big, he's so strong, he's so, uh... Jealous.

Who, Morris?

Morris? His name's George.

Oh, we... Of course.

Do you need any help?

No, no. I can manage.

It is always a little difficult with a good vintage champagne.

But once you have the... Where are the glasses?

You're all wet.

I think you'd better take them off.

No, madame.

Merci. But if it's all the same to vous... Nonsense.

You don't want to get rheumatism, do you?

Especially there.

Look, go on.

Go into the bathroom and get changed into this.

I'll dry your pants on the radiator.

No, I'm fine, really.

You do not have to be shy with me.

Oh, all right, then.

But if you promise not to peek... No, I've already told you, I'm a married

woman.

Silly boy.

Where are you going?

Then tell me where you're hiding the envelope.

I'm not hiding them in there. You must be. I've been through everything else.

Come on, now.

Hurry up, Antoine.

Your champagne's getting flat.

I'm doing my best.

Last left flaming thing.

Ow. What is it?

It's my zip.

It's got stuck.

Now I've got my shirt jammed in it.

Oh, dear.

I can't get it out.

Well, is there anything I can do?

Blast the flaming thing.

Oh, you poor boy. Look, come over here.

Yes, yes.

All right, just lie down there. That's it, on the bed.

That's it. Now, don't you worry.

We'll still get it free.

Oh, and she seems such a nice woman as well.

Oh.

God almighty, they're both at it.

What kind of a marriage is that?

Stop wriggling about, George. I'm going to get this bastard.

Oh, no,

don't! Oh,

you win. Have your way with me if you must.

But you'll hate yourself in the morning.

Too late.

I'm knackered.

I haven't felt like this since I made that film for Harry Pinto.

What film is that?

Golder's Green Gangbang.

Did you see it?

No, no.

I will do.

I know they had to get it right, but I mean, 29 retakes in one day.

Still, as Mr Pinto said, it took a real professional to handle that role.

I'm going to powder me watch a bit.

A little bit of Erin George is like a blinking sauna in here.

Oh, right.

say anything like what like ah not me oh i

could have sworn i'd say

This time of night?

Ah, bathroom.

Yeah, well, we're running a bit late.

Sorry to disturb you.

Window cleaner.

More likely a peeping Tom.

I hope he won't mention anything that happened tonight.

It's just that I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea.

Why should he do that? All you did was to take off my trousers and... Sorry.

Look, Antoine, I'm still not quite sure why you did it, but thank you ever so

much for the champagne and the flowers.

You are a nice boy.

Off you go now.

Oh, my coat.

Oh, God.

You sure you don't know anything about that invalid?

Oh, no, I told you.

Please, not a word to the wife. And thanks for returning me overcoat and

everything. Any time you pass in Hampton Wick, just drop in. No, no, no. On

second thoughts, you'd better not. Got me a reputation to think of.

Thank you. You certainly do wonders for a girl's self -confidence, George.

It's a gift. Good night. Help, there you go.

Well? Well, what? Did you get it? No, I bloody didn't. And do you know why?

Because he didn't fancy me. That's why.

I just have to have another go tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

What's wrong with tonight?

Because I've damn near knackered myself, that's why.

How charming.

And I thought you cared for the welfare of your employees.

Now listen to me, you incompetent idiot.

I've a bloody good mind to join a union. Well, if he hasn't got it, who has?

Spencer. Eight o 'clock sharp.

Oh. Eight o 'clock sharp.

Tomorrow morning. Hotel Carpark. Great.

I'll have someone meet him. No, not you.

And Gordon, tell him it's more than a one -off job now, yes.

It'll be three all together.

A couple staying here.

In the hotel, yes.

Oh.

Morning, Marley. Mildred.

Morning, George.

I've just come to knock you up.

Pardon? For breakfast.

Oh. Oh, that'll be nice.

Do you sleep all right today? Oh, yeah, not too bad.

You? Oh, nothing to blame. Oh.

So, what happened to you last night?

Last night?

After you went upstairs to get your muffler.

Oh, yeah,

I couldn't find it.

So, well, you know, I thought I'd have an early night.

Without telling me?

Well, I couldn't tell you.

Why not?

Well, you weren't there at the list when I went back.

Ah.

What happened to you then?

When? When you weren't there at the lift when I went back.

Er, asleep.

Sleep? Hmm.

Yes, I thought I'd have an early night too.

Oh.

Yes.

It's nice here, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

Yes, very.

Are you glad you came? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

No, I'm not.

You're not? Why not?

Why did you suddenly change your mind?

On the other hand, maybe you're right.

I am?

Yes, well, as a matter of fact, I'm a bit disappointed in this place.

I thought it was going to be nicer somehow.

Yeah, me too.

Really?

Yeah, I didn't like to tell you, you know, in case it spoilt your treat.

Oh, George, that's very thoughtful of you. No, not at all.

And I'll tell you something else.

They don't do the bacon and eggs as good as you do.

You're just saying that.

No, I'm not honest.

George.

Yes?

Let's go home.

When? Now. Right.

Oh, George.

Take this thing off.

Oh, come on. What do you mean?

Bonjour. Oh, bonjour.

Yeah, bonjour.

And another thing. I do miss little truffles. And I thought this place would

more exciting. You know, more fun.

More things happening. I mean, how wrong can you be?

In my opinion, the whole weekend's been a total waste of money.

Yeah, I think we should ask for our money back. We haven't paid anything

George. Yeah, well, that's another thing.

If we hurry up, we'll be home in time to see if Tish was. Oh, really?

I wonder what they're here for.

Oh, perhaps someone's been stealing hotel property.

I wouldn't be surprised if the place was full of crooks.

Really? Scott.

Oh, I'll tell you what, Mildred. You settle up and I'll go and get the car.

George. Yes?

I've got a better idea.

Yeah, I know. I'll settle up and you go and get the car.

Well done.

I'll see you outside.

Anybody at home? I want to settle the bill. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't hear

you. Look, me and the wife were leaving two days earlier.

Well, I can't blame you after what's happened.

How did you know about that?

Uh, telephone?

I'll get your bill for you, sir.

You said they were here the whole weekend.

They were.

Oh, my God, it's always the same. If you want someone done properly, do him

yourself.

And me too in the car park.

That's him, Mr Bridges.

Harry Pinto's hitman.

That's the fellow who decided to kill me.

Don't underestimate him.

He may look like a right nana.

That's just part of an act.

Underneath, it's pure steel.

That's his car.

That heap of junk?

That's part of the act as well.

Who's she?

Well, he tries to make out she's his wife.

More like an assistant, I reckon.

A woman hit man?

Ah, yes.

It's the Equal Opportunities Act, isn't it?

All right, Harvey, after him.

Hold on.

That's Harry Pinto's car.

He must be escorting them.

Bloody marvellous.

It's time I get all of them, all in one go.

Or I'd move it, Harvey, wouldn't I?

Get the map out, George.

What for?

I always lose my way around Kensington.

I don't need the map to get home from here.

You need a map to get home from the bottom of our garden.

Take the next one on the left.

Why? This is your cut.

Oh, God.

Manchester, here we come.

I'll take the next one on the right.

George, are you sure you know what you're doing?

Trust me, Mildred.

No, I know you don't know what you're doing.

or do you think they're going? God knows.

I think they've spotted us.

Now turn right.

They're going back the way they came.

Yeah, they must have tumbled us.

Just make sure you don't lose them. Right.

Where do I go now?

No, no, right.

George!

Straight ahead.

Right. Admit it, we're lost.

Of course we're not.

We just don't know where we are.

Oh, hey, look. There's Buckingham Palace.

So we must be in Oxford Street.

That is the Houses of Parliament.

Oh, yeah.

We got that on a tea towel.

Right. Now see if you can find it on the map.

I don't need to. It's in our kitchen.

George. All right, all right. Keep your eye on the road.

Oh, yeah,

turn left now. What? Over the bridge.

That's the way we came.

No,

no. It only looks like it.

All right, this is it.

Pinto first, then the Morris.

I don't recognize this bit.

You should have turned left at the last roundabout.

Now you tell me.

Keep your eye on the road.

But what are you waiting for?

Go, Venom!

Shut up.

Go!

They're making a break for it. Move it, Harvey.

You have that?

No.

Michael, this big Jim Bridges, get out!

What's the matter with him?

I mean, if he wants to pass, why doesn't he?

He needs to do soul speech, too.

Yeah. Ah, got it. Yeah?

Keep going.

Oh, bother.

What? He's still behind us. That road hog. You know, the one with the noisy

exhaust.

It will be a nice surprise for the four of us, won't it? Us coming home two days

early. The way we're going, it's going to take three days.

Well, unless you put your foot down, it's going to take us a week.

Right.

Yeah? Yeah, this is it. Uh, take the first on the left.

Left? Right.

Doesn't mean anywhere.

What's the matter with you, Mildred? I said take the next on the left. You said

right. Yeah, well, when I said right, I meant left, didn't I? Oh, what a you.

Got them.

All of them. The only way out of here is in a hearse. That's odd.

What? Those roadhogs. They're still behind us.

Anyone would think they were following us.

Oh, don't be daft. Why should anyone want to follow us?

Especially down a dead end like this.

Dead end?

It's not a dead end, George. Look.

Oh,

dear.

What? Those road hogs. I think they've had a little accident.

I'll serve them right.

The way they were driving, they could have hurt somebody.

Get off!

This is a funny sort of road, Milted.

No shops or houses.

Anyone think we're north of Watford?

What makes you think we're not?

Ruth, he's flying low.

Air hog!

You know what I think, George? What?

I think we're going around in ever -decreasing circles and we're going to

disappear up our own exhaust pipe.

That's heavy, Mildred.

Convince me, George.

I've made the coffee, Geoffrey.

What are you doing out here?

I was going to do the lawn later, but since Roper borrowed the mow, it's

of jam with bits of garden gnome.

And he cut through the cable.

Oh, well, be fair. He did try his best to repair it.

Rather funny, really.

Funny? What's put you in such a good mood? 24 hours without Roper.

Nobody would throw weeds in my garden. Burn mattresses while we're having a

garden party.

They'd be away for at least another... Oh, my God.

Oh.

Can't be.

No other car sounds quite like that.

They must be coming home, then.

Run for the back!

Run, kids, run!

Mr. Roper's concrete now. I want to surprise him.

I think you'll succeed.

Oh, dear.

Oh, hello, Alan.

Hello, Mr. Bournemouth. We decided to come back early.

We gathered.

But it's so nice to be back home.

Really? For whom?

Oh, and how's my darling little treasure?

Oh, I'm all right, thank you.

You did a great job.

Everything all right?

I mean, no problems?

Oh, no, none.

Apart from little piddles there.

You mean truffles. I know what I mean.

She chewed up one of Daddy's old slippers.

I wouldn't have minded. My foot was still in it. Oh, dear.

And she ate Daddy's steak, so we had to have pedigree chum and chips.

That's a joke, Tristram. Honestly, Mildred, she was no trouble.

How was the hotel?

Oh, a bit dull. Nothing much happened.

Yeah, it was a bit boring.

Like a graveyard.

Well, thank you for looking after truffles.

Oh, don't mention it. We'll be off now. Any time you go away, we'll be

delighted.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Of course, there was the odd moment in the hotel when it was quite a bit

exciting.

Yes, there was.

Mildred.

If a person asked a person to do things,

but they didn't, the second person, not the first,

Even though they didn't do things, they did consider it.

I don't think that'd be wrong, would you?

That's what I felt.

But I didn't know you knew about it. Oh, yeah, I knew about it, but I didn't

know that you knew about it.

Well, of course.

I must admit, Mildred, it did bring back memories.

Distant memories, yes.

There was a time when, you know, you and I, we used to do things.

Almost every month? Quite, yes.

Who did?

Yes, George.

Well, I was wondering if you felt...

Oh, yeah.

Are we coming?

Oh.

I almost forgot. What?

Pickled onions.

There are amounts of it all.

Mildred!

Oh, er... Coming, George.