Original subtitles

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If Saviour fails, we're dead, we're all dead!

Yeah, including your sister. So if you love her,

if you want to save her life, tell me where she is.

I love you. I'm sorry.

Daddy!

JAMIE: Seven years.

All it would have taken was one message

just to put me out of my misery.

No, I couldn't risk Ariel finding us.

But Celine, I've been a priest for 20 years.

I've never broken my vows.

I don't think you should either.

I love you.

This is bigger than us.

LAYLA: Frankie!

She's gone!

(BREATHING SHARPLY) Your brother.

JAMIE: Okay, looking on the bright side,

I will never have to pay off my mortgage.

Or go to another fancy dress party.

Yep, it's the end of the world.

The actual apocalypse.

NEWSREADER: One minute now, one minute.

Uh, these pictures coming live to us from Hubble...

JAMIE: I am so not prepared for this.

I haven't even got any spare underwear.

And after everything I've just gone through

I'm fairly sure these ones are a write off.

NEWSREADER: It's time to brace ourselves, to say goodbye.

The world waits with baited breath.

In a few short hours

we'll know whether Operation Saviour has succeeded,

and whether mankind has a future.

REPORTER: I'm here outside Mission Control.

The media aren't allowed in,

but we understand the Saviour team

have been working through the night

to make sure that everything goes to plan.

The hopes of the entire human race

rest on the shoulders of these men and women.

One can only imagine

what's going through their minds right now.

These pictures are coming live from the Saviour craft, sir.

Oh, well, not exactly live.

It's a time delay because of the distances involved.

Of course.

Could, uh... Could you explain to me

the exact sequence of events?

Scotty. Yeah.

Yeah. Of course. Um...

Okay, well, if we use this muffin as the comet... Right.

...and this banana as the craft. Got you.

Now once our craft is in the comet's orbit,

the craft will split in two.

And this bit, the leader, slams into the comet

in order to make a crater.

And the follower, which has the nukes in it,

hits the crater a few seconds later, and then...

(MAKES AN EXPLOSION NOISE)

It's kind of like a boxing combo, sir.

One-two punch, right?

We only need to knock the comet off its current course

by a couple of degrees for it to miss Earth.

When we first met,

you said the chances of this working were one in three.

Yes, sir. Do you still think that?

Well, we've done better than I'd hoped.

And right now, I'd say...

I'd say we're 50-50.

Good work, solider. Thank you, Mr President.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) FATHER JUDE: One moment.

FATHER JUDE: (WHISPERING) Get in the closet!

CELINE: (WHISPERS) I don't like the closet.

FATHER JUDE: Do you have a better idea? Go!

Yes?

I thought I heard voices.

It's often the first sign of madness.

To what do I owe this pleasant visit?

The cardinals request your presence at an urgent meeting

to discuss the implications of Operation Saviour.

They would like a full status report

on all your would-be Messiah's.

All right.

(SIGHS)

Where were we?

What?

I don't want to have to hide in closets.

I know.

We both agreed our work is

too important to walk away from it.

We have to finish what we started.

And how long will that take?

I wish I knew.

I wish it didn't have to be like this, but...

I had a dream last night.

Me and you, in Florence.

Watching the sunset, holding hands...

It sounds cliche, I know but it was wonderful.

Just you and me.

A man and a woman being ordinary people.

(SIGHS) And then I wake up.

And before I know it I'm in the closet.

I've never been to Florence.

I wish I could give that to you.

But...

.

FRANKIE: What's that? What are you making?

Eat your peas.

I hate peas. And I hate you.

(SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE)

Why don't you like my real dad?

Why do you wear those gloves?

Why don't you like getting your hands messy? Oh, my God!

Do you ever shut up?

(WAILING LIKE A SIREN)

What do I have to do to make you stop?

Sweets.

I'm not giving you sweets. They're bad for you.

I'll wet myself.

And you'll have to clean it up.

And then I'll wet myself again.

(WAILING LIKE A SIREN)

Fine. I'll get you sweets!

Mum says Dave's feeling a bit better today.

She's given him a bed bath...

Actually, that's weird. Why's she texting me that?

Jamie, look...

Have you seen Seven?

How's that helping, Jamie?

How is that a helpful comment?

No. I'm sorry. (STUTTERS) I wasn't thinking.

LAYLA: That's Ariel's handwriting.

Good grief, there's poetry...

JAMIE: What's he saying?

It says he's still in love with me.

And if I go back to him nothing happens to Frankie.

Then it gets a bit porny.

No, make that very porny.

And then it says he's gonna call me later, and tell me where to go.

Yes! (LAUGHS) Why are you smiling?

Don't you get it? We've got something he wants!

Me.

We've got leverage.

Jamie, how would you feel about taking me hostage?

Celine? What are you doing?

This is Father Jude's room.

Please tell me you haven't...

Come with me child. We must talk.

Do you believe in hell?

Yes. Good.

I know it's fashionable to believe it a metaphor.

But it is not. It is real.

A place of infinite misery and torment.

The final judgement could be just days away, Celine.

You have picked a terrible moment

to break your vow of chastity.

Have you at least been to confession?

I don't want to repent. I love him.

How can love be bad?

It isn't. But hypocrisy is.

You must make a choice.

God. Jude. The sisterhood.

You can have two, but only two.

It is that simple.

If you wish to stay with him,

you must leave the order

and he must leave the priesthood.

And you can live as man and wife in God's grace.

He says he cannot, that we must finish what we started.

Then open your eyes, my child.

He does not love you.

How can it be love if he would put your soul in danger?

You must make your choice today.

I know your heart is good,

but if you die in sin,

then you will burn in hell, forever.

And so will Jude.

CELINE: Jude! (PANTING)

Jude! (BELL TOLLING)

What is it? We need to talk.

I'm... I'm late for the cardinals... Jude, now!

What's going on? Why are you so upset?

I want you to leave the priesthood today.

Okay, what's happening? Where's this coming from?

What we're doing is wrong. And we both know it.

You say you hate lies and hypocrisy.

We are the biggest liars.

No more hiding in cupboards,

in closets. I want you, Jude.

I want you too, but it's not that simple.

It is. Leave with me today.

Let's live honestly.

I want you more than any of this.

This is bigger than us. It is. And I'm not done.

We were done the moment we slept together.

.

RHONDA:...they don't look comfortable.

Oh, hey! How are you?

Oh...(GRUNTS)

Thanks guys. You're such sweeties.

Shut up, McNeil!

(CHUCKLES) They crack me up.

They're doing this whole like Abu thing. It's hilarious.

Okay. Bye, we'll talk about all this shoe stuff later.

(DOOR CLOSES) Are you okay?

You have to get me out of here.

Why am I even on a military base?

The President's imposed a state of emergency.

The judicial process has been suspended

in favour of military tribunals.

Your chances of you getting a fair trial are zero.

I have rights!

No, Rhonda. You don't have any rights whatsoever.

The state will seek the death penalty for you.

And what's more, they'll probably get it.

(SIGHS)

And? And? What's our strategy?

Honestly?

Prayer.

Get down on your knees and pray.

Pray that Saviour works. Pray that the rockets hit.

Pray that the comet misses. Pray that the state of emergency gets lifted,

and you get a proper trial.

Good bye, Rhonda.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

JAMIE: This is insane! It makes no sense whatsoever.

He's never gonna believe that I've snapped and taken you hostage.

Jamie, I hate to break it to you,

but you are absolutely 100% the type to snap.

Tightly wound lower middle management,

with a disastrous love life.

You've got potential shooting spree

written all over you.

You can do this. Look at me.

Look at me. You are the sweetest,

kindest man I have ever known.

But that's no good to us now.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Please, Jamie. For our daughter.

I need you to be a dick. You can do it.

Hawkwind?

No. Jamie.

You must be my brother.

I don't want to talk to you.

I want to speak to Hawkwind.

Well, I'm getting a little bored of what you want.

Let's talk about what I want.

That's not how this works.

JAMIE: It is now.

You've taken my daughter hostage.

So I've taken our wife hostage.

You want Hawkwind back? Fine. Let's swap.

No, nice try. Jamie. But I don't believe you.

You still love her.

You think so?

After everything she put me through.

I know all about that game you played with me.

I know Layla was just a fiction.

And I know I wasted years of my life on a lie...

So, no.

How could I love someone who betrayed me like that?

Who hurt me more than anyone else, including you?

Congratulations, Ariel, you broke me.

So, if you think for one second

I'm the same Jamie I was, you are sorely mistaken.

Now we are doing things my way!

First, I wanna know Frankie's okay. So, put her on. Now!

ARIEL: It's your dad. Say something.

FRANKIE: Hi, dad. (SIGHS)

Hey, Frankie. Are you okay?

Yeah.

He's given me all the sweets I want

and I don't have to eat anything else.

There, happy?

JAMIE: You can't just give her sweets, you dick!

She needs her five a day.

Okay, my turn. Put Hawkwind on.

Husband number one wants a word.

Ariel?

I'm so scared. (SOBS)

He's cracked. You have to get me out of here.

What? What's he done to you?

He's got...

He's got my foot in a food processor

and he's...

What? (MOUTHING)

Please, please Ariel. Help me.

Just do what he says.

You heard her. Now do as I say, or else.

Jamie! You do not put people's feet in food processors.

There's a line, even in these kinds of situations.

And you've... No, you don't get to lecture me.

You're not running things, I am.

And if you want to see her alive,

you meet me at five o'clock,

in the car park Mary left me in.

You bring back up, Layla dies.

You've got three seconds to answer me.

Three... (SIGHS)

Two...

One...

Yes.

Hey. You did it. (PANTING)

Yeah.

But that was the easy bit.

CARDINAL CRAWSHAW: Claimant Paul of Swansea?

No, I told you. He's just a cheap stage psychic.

Claimant Jane Doe of Warsaw?

The new Messiah?

No. No. Absolutely not.

Is this the six-year-old who rose from the dead?

I thought she sounded promising.

Well, she wasn't.

She' just an...

Ordinary little girl. We should leave her be.

What... What is going on here?

And enough with the stolen glances.

If you two want to have sex, go get a room.

Jude, language!

What is going on here? I've never seen these two before!

And why are we meeting down here?

Consider this an informal steering committee

to discuss the theological implications

of the current situation.

We know the candidates are,

on the whole, unsatisfactory.

But with our future dependent on these missiles,

we must have a contingency, yes?

A contingency?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

E minus one minute.

MAN 1: Roger, one minute and counting.

SCOTTY: Okay, status updates please.

SCOTTY: Guidance systems? MAN 2: Guidance systems go!

SCOTTY: Engineering? MAN 3: Engineering, go.

Comms? WOMAN 1: Comms are go.

Pyro's? WOMAN 2: Pyro's, go.

Detonators? MAN 4: Detonators, go.

Thank you.

All systems go. Good luck, everyone.

If Saviour succeeds we have no problem, the world is not ending.

It is not the final judgement.

But if Saviour fails, and the end really is nigh,

is it fair to send the faithful

to their graves stripped of all hope?

This is the dawn of the New

American Century, General, I can feel it.

This is about looking the Chinese in the eye and saying,

"We still run this town."

If this works, they put me on Rushmore!

Do you mind, sir? We're trying to work here.

FATHER CHRISTOPHE: The people need hope.

We promised them a Messiah.

So we must give them one.

Whether we believe in him or not is inconsequential.

E minus 10, nine,

eight, seven,

six, five,

four...

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Two, one.

.

(ALL CHEERING)

Quiet! Everybody stay focused.

We're not out of the woods yet.

But, I mean, we hit it, right?

I mean, it went kaboom?

Yes sir, it went kaboom.

But it'll take us a couple of hours to confirm the result.

What do you put our chances at now, Mr McNeil?

Well, sir, that was the part I was most worried about.

But I would say...

I would say 60-40, Mr President.

All right. (CHUCKLES)

FATHER JUDE: You can use all the flowery

language that you want

but a false Messiah is a false Messiah.

And you anoint one,

you're the damn Antichrist.

Father Jude, I object to both, your

choice of language and your insinuation.

Really? My choice of language is the problem here?

I mean...

What is going on? If the press found out about this...

What is said between these walls stays between these walls.

Does the Pope know about this?

Of course not.

So am I really the only one amongst you

with the balls to stand up for the truth?

Why? Why on earth do you own a gun?

I'm a single mother living on a boat, Jamie.

You get it doesn't actually work, right?

It doesn't even work?

It's for show, okay? It's a deterrent.

All you've got to do is wave it round

and make him think you're dangerous.

(SIGHS) I still think we should call mum and Dave.

The less moving parts this plan's got, the better.

All we've got to do is swap me for Frankie.

And when you've got her safe and I'm close enough,

that is when I spray him.

That?

That's what we're pinning our hopes on?

He's gonna have a gun, Layla. No, I'm calling Mum.

Oh! Oh! Why would you do that?

See? You're completely defenceless.

And this is when we'll be kicking him in the balls.

It's very simple.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my eyes! I can't see!

This is genius.

(LAUGHS) This could actually work.

Yes. I told you. See, I told you!

(GROANS) Oh!

(LAYLA LAUGHS) JAMIE: Oh, it burns!

MAN ON RADIO: Has the blast succeeded in knocking

the comet off course?

The Saviour team are checking

and double checking their calculations

before making the announcement.

In the meantime, all we can do is wait.

Wait and pray.

FATHER CHRISTOPHE: We are all hypocrites, Jude.

At least I have the decency to admit it.

Please, be practical.

We need solutions,

not unbending fundamentalism.

Fundamental... I'm not a...

How did I get on this side of the argument?

You would have every Catholic die without hope,

and for what?

You have made your choice, Sister?

My vows. I choose my vows.

FATHER CHRISTOPHE: It's time to admit our faith has failed.

Christ is not returning.

No.

You've given up on him,

but I have not.

Gentlemen, I move we put this to a vote.

Who votes to anoint our best current candidate?

Your Eminence, please, do not do this.

I'm sorry, Father. I believe we have a duty to the faithful.

So, are we done?

Yes. I'm done.

FATHER CHRISTOPHE: Father, come on. Enough of this.

What are you doing?

You were right.

I'm a liar and a hypocrite.

I thought I was doing God's work, but...

He's out there.

He's not in here.

And I was a fool to think that he was.

I want to be a good man.

Father, I must remind you

that this conversation is held

.

(EXHALES)

Jamie, whatever happens, promise me

you'll get Frankie out of here.

I'm not leaving you with my brother.

Just promise, please?

(CLICKS TONGUE) If anything happens to me...

Her bedtime's half seven.

Now, she'll tell you that it's eight, but it's not.

Except on Saturdays.

And she says she's not afraid of the dark,

but she is, really, so,

always leave her door a little open,

and a light on in the hall.

You don't have to do this.

Never leave her with a whole packet of sweets,

because she just scoffs the lot then pukes.

What else?

Oh, the bloody giraffe outfit!

Okay. She won't let you wash it.

But I've secretly got three of them.

So you have to sneak in when she's asleep

and swap in a clean one, otherwise she stinks.

One other thing.

She doesn't have a bedtime story,

so she can't get to sleep unless...

We always watch your videos together.

The ones for me, you put on the internet.

You watched them?

Every night.

And then when she was asleep, I watch them again.

Just for me.

(TYRES SCREECHING) Quick, make it look hostagey.

(BREATH TREMBLING)

Stay there!

Don't come any closer!

Where's your gun?

I haven't got one.

I thought we were just swapping?

I didn't realise the dress code was heavily armed.

I must say I'm disappointed, Jamie.

This is very un-gentlemanly behaviour.

Yeah. Oh, look what you reduced me to.

You and your game.

Ah, Doofus.

Years of pleasure that gave me.

It's funny, I always thought it would end

with you hanging yourself

or stepping in front of a train.

Never thought you'd go psycho.

Where's Frankie?

Open your mouth, make any sound,

you know what happens, right?

Click, click.

Out you come, poppet.

Frankie?

Here she is. See?

LAYLA: Hello, Frankie.

JAMIE: Okay, send her over.

Well, obviously that's not gonna happen, Jamie.

We're gonna send them across at the same time, aren't we?

On three.

One...

Two...

Three.

It's all right. Everything's all right.

Shh!

What is that?

Well, I figured you'd have some

half-assed plan up your sleeves

so I thought it only right to go tit for tat.

Just keep in mind, whatever it is you're planning,

you do not want me to let go of this button.

(BEEPING) It's in the giraffe.

ARIEL: Uh oh.

Looks like you brought a gun to a bomb fight.

Schoolboy error, Jamie.

.

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

ARIEL: Think this through.

You shoot, I let go.

Boom!

Drop the gun, that's it.

Mmm-hmm.

And whatever else you've got planned, don't even think about it.

JAMIE: Okay, Okay.

Just tell me what to do to keep her safe

and I'll do it. Tell me.

Whatever it is, whatever it is.

Just, just, just tell me.

Put it on. Ariel, no.

ARIEL: Hey, I'm only doing this because I love you.

I just want us to be a normal married couple.

And that means losing the other husband.

I'm not a bad man.

You just...

You make me do bad things.

(LAUGHING)

You look like such a bellend.

Now get on your knees!

JAMIE: Okay, Frankie,

go to your mum.

Come on Frankie, come on sweetheart, it's all right.

Come to me, come on.

Uncle Ariel? I said go to your mum.

I've eaten too many sweets.

Don't you dare! (VOMITS)

Oh!

LAYLA: Jamie, Jamie! (JAMIE SCREAMS)

Run, get Frankie out of here!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

What the hell are you doing?

Just having a cuddle with my long lost brother.

I know we've had our differences,

but I'm sure we can hug them out.

Go on, let go of the button, I dare you.

(GRUNTING)

Okay, okay. What exactly are we doing here?

What's your plan?

'Cause sooner or later you're gonna get tired.

True. Then again, sooner or later

I'm going to wet myself.

And you hate mess, don't you?

So how are you gonna cope with my wee

trickling down your leg?

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Nice try, Jamie.

Nice try.

But the doofus was never gonna win at Doofus.

Any last words?

Go on, beg.

Nothing?

Kind of appropriate.

Even your death is anti-climactic.

(PANTING)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

LAYLA: Ariel?

(SCREAMS)

(ARIEL SCREAMING)

It's okay, it's okay. Um...

(PANTING) Oh, oh, oh, okay!

Dad, you were awesome!

JAMIE: You can't be here. It's not safe.

It's okay. Uncle Ariel ran away.

He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

I helped, didn't I? With my sick?

Yes.

So no more sweets for you. Ever.

Aw! Dad?

(EXPLOSION) (ALL SCREAM)

Well, that's the end of the giraffe outfit then.

Mum, I know you've got spares.

What?

(JAMIE LAUGHING)

LAYLA: Mmm!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(CLEARS THROAT) What the hell's taking so long?

I've just asked them to triple check their calculations.

(DIALING)

Shanghai.

Repeat, Shanghai.

Well?

Did it work?

Mr President. I'm afraid Operation Saviour has failed.

(ALL GASP)

(INDISTINCT MURMURING)

We diverted it, but not enough.

It's still going to hit Earth.

Scotty, get him out of here. It's going to get ugly.

Mr President? Mr President, this way.

MAN: All external Comm's down.

They've cut us off.

MAN: Step back, sir.

REPORTER: Okay, we're just getting some breaking news here.

And it's the news we've all been hoping for.

We have official confirmation from Mission Control

that Operation Saviour has succeeded.

SCIENTIST: Wrong, wrong, all wrong.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

For your own good, step back!

REPORTER: And a tweet here from Jacob Gardner,

one of the Saviour scientists.

He just says, "We did it! #You're welcome, Earth."

What the hell's that?

I didn't tweet that? Who's doing this?

You son of a bitch, you lied to me!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Hello! Is Sister Celine here?

No, no, no Father. Get out!

You cannot be here! She's made her choice, Father.

Is it always like this in here?

Haven't you heard? The world is saved.

Yes, I will drink to that. We have a future.

Which is why I need to speak with her.

Haven't you hurt her enough?

Yes, I have, and that's why I'm here.

No. Sorry, Father.

Please give her this.

And tell her I'm done.

And now that there's a future

I want to spend it with my wife.

Yes, we were married. Isn't it amazing?

And we haven't had a honeymoon.

We'll go to Florence and we will tourist the hell out of it.

You don't have to say hell,

but try to convey my passion.

I've always wanted to visit a convent.

(ALL CHEERING)

This is exactly as I

hoped it would be. Party on!

(GARGLING)

(SNIFFS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

A little more on my forehead. I look shiny.

Seven salty sailors sailed the seven seas.

Seven salty sailors sailed the seven seas.

77 salty sailors sailed the seven seas.

Are you comfortable with the speech, sir?

Sure. I've done this a million times.

MANAGER: Okay, five, four...

My fellow citizens.

I am proud to be speaking to you live

from Operation Saviour Mission Control.

This is undoubtedly the most historic speech I will ever make.

Also, the most pleasurable.

Never before have we, as a collective,

faced such a mighty challenge

to our existence and to our planet.

It gives me great pleasure, pride and honour

to formally announce

the unqualified success of Operation Saviour.

They hit it!

Oh! Shut up, McNeil!

That was my brother. My brother did that.

(LAUGHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

PRESIDENT: I would like to personally thank

the men and women of Operation Saviour,

who've worked tirelessly around the clock

for the last 27 days.

Now our future is assured,

we must decide what kind of future we wish to have.

Will we revert to our old ways?

Or will we seize this chance to start afresh?

(FIREWORKS)

Can we overcome the weight of our history,

put aside our differences

and forge a new way of living?

A more peaceful, harmonious life

for the sake of our children?

It is not often life gives us

a chance to start over.

Let's not waste it.

Let's remember how united we feel right now.

One planet...

One race...

The future is bright.

The future is everyone's.

Thank you.

MANAGER: And, we're clear.

Thank you everyone, thank you.

Mr McNeil,

we'll speak about our other thing tomorrow, yes?

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SOBBING)

I love you, Scotty!

I love you!

Whoo-hoo!

(CONTINUES SOBBING)